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1
00:00:01,384 --> 00:00:04,166
♪ THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD ♪
2
00:00:04,168 --> 00:00:07,254
♪ I SHALL NOT WANT ♪
3
00:00:07,256 --> 00:00:12,757
♪ HE LEADETH ME
BESIDE THE STILL WATERS ♪
4
00:00:12,759 --> 00:00:14,065
RIGHT.
5
00:00:14,067 --> 00:00:16,616
JUST ONE LAST THING.
OH, THANK GOD.
6
00:00:16,618 --> 00:00:18,797
IT'S ALMOST TIME
FOR NEWS NIGHT.
7
00:00:18,799 --> 00:00:20,844
AND YOU'RE LOOKING AT
A BABE WHO FINDS
8
00:00:20,846 --> 00:00:24,367
JEREMY PAXMAN
NASTY, BUT HOT.
9
00:00:24,369 --> 00:00:26,985
WE'VE HAD A LETTER
FROM THE BBC.
10
00:00:26,987 --> 00:00:31,312
THE BRITISH BLOODY
LEFTIES CONSPIRACY,
11
00:00:31,314 --> 00:00:33,326
ASKING IF THE VILLAGE
WOULD BE INTERESTED
12
00:00:33,328 --> 00:00:36,447
IN HOSTING THEIR PROGRAM
ANTIQUES ROADSHOW.
13
00:00:36,449 --> 00:00:40,138
I'VE WRITTEN A REPLY
WHICH, I THINK, SUMS UP
OUR ATTITUDE.
14
00:00:40,140 --> 00:00:41,950
"DEAR SIR OR MADAME,
15
00:00:41,952 --> 00:00:44,769
"OR, SIR, WHO RECENTLY
DISCOVERED HIS TRUE SEXUALITY
16
00:00:44,771 --> 00:00:48,259
"AND NOW HAS BECOME MADAME:
17
00:00:48,261 --> 00:00:51,011
"THANK YOU FOR
YOUR KIND OFFER.
18
00:00:51,013 --> 00:00:53,159
"THE ANSWER IS,
OF COURSE, NO.
19
00:00:53,161 --> 00:00:55,608
"WE RECENTLY HAD AN OFFER
FROM AN ORGANIZATION
20
00:00:55,610 --> 00:00:57,285
CALLED "IMPALERS INCORPORATED,
21
00:00:57,287 --> 00:00:59,298
"WHO'LL COME TO YOUR VILLAGE
AND IMPALE YOU
22
00:00:59,300 --> 00:01:01,245
"FOR £20 A POKER.
23
00:01:02,959 --> 00:01:05,708
"WE WERE MORE TEMPTED
TO SAY YES TO THEM
24
00:01:05,710 --> 00:01:07,285
"THAN WE ARE TO YOU.
25
00:01:07,287 --> 00:01:09,734
YOURS, ET CETERA."
26
00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,983
QUITE AMUSING
I THINK YOU'LL AGREE.
27
00:01:11,985 --> 00:01:14,667
NO, NO, NO, NO.
I DON'T.
28
00:01:14,669 --> 00:01:16,680
I LOVE ANTIQUES ROADSHOW.
29
00:01:16,682 --> 00:01:18,459
YOU MUST BE JOKING.
30
00:01:18,462 --> 00:01:22,519
ALL THOSE IN FAVOUR
OF SENDING THIS LETTER
INSTEAD.
31
00:01:22,521 --> 00:01:25,170
"DEAR SIRS:
ANTIQUES ROADSHOW
32
00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:27,923
"IS THE GREATEST PROGRAM
IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION.
33
00:01:27,925 --> 00:01:32,553
WE WOULD BE HONOURED TO HAVE YOU
IN OUR HUMBLE ABODE."
34
00:01:32,555 --> 00:01:34,130
YEAH.
35
00:01:34,132 --> 00:01:35,740
BRING ON SOME
MICHAEL ASPEL,
36
00:01:35,742 --> 00:01:38,659
SEXIEST ANTIQUE
ON THE TELLY.
37
00:01:38,661 --> 00:01:40,237
( laughing )
38
00:01:40,239 --> 00:01:42,989
SO ARE YOU A FAN
OF THE ANTIQUES ROADSHOW?
39
00:01:42,991 --> 00:01:44,533
YEAH.
40
00:01:44,535 --> 00:01:50,472
ESPECIALLY SINCE I
GOT MY NEW WIDESCREEN TV.
41
00:01:50,474 --> 00:01:54,062
OH, MY GOD.
IT'S ENORMOUS!
42
00:01:54,064 --> 00:01:57,082
YEP. EIGHT HUNDRED QUID
THAT COST ME.
WHAT?
43
00:01:57,084 --> 00:01:59,733
THAT'S TWO YEAR'S SAVINGS,
BUT IT'S WORTH EVERY PENNY.
44
00:01:59,735 --> 00:02:00,740
LOOK.
45
00:02:00,742 --> 00:02:03,358
ROBBIE WILLIAMS' FACE,
TWO FOOT TALL.
46
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:04,666
( smacks lips )
47
00:02:04,668 --> 00:02:07,115
SO ARE YOU GOING TO
GET ANYTHING VALUED
48
00:02:07,117 --> 00:02:08,559
BY THE ANTIQUES PEOPLE?
49
00:02:08,561 --> 00:02:12,451
I WAS THINKING OF
ASKING THEM TO LOOK AT THIS.
50
00:02:12,453 --> 00:02:14,297
YOUR FINGER!
51
00:02:14,299 --> 00:02:17,081
NO, THE RING.
52
00:02:17,083 --> 00:02:18,927
OH...
IT'S REAL DIAMONDS.
53
00:02:18,929 --> 00:02:21,579
YOU KNOW THE SONG,
OF COURSE.
YEAH.
54
00:02:21,581 --> 00:02:23,793
♪ RELAX
DON'T DO IT...♪
55
00:02:23,795 --> 00:02:25,304
NO.
56
00:02:25,306 --> 00:02:28,693
♪ DIAMONDS
ARE A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND ♪
57
00:02:28,695 --> 00:02:31,511
OH, YEAH. THOUGH THAT'S NOT
ACTUALLY TRUE, IS IT?
58
00:02:31,513 --> 00:02:36,847
BECAUSE MY BEST FRIEND IS PINGU
AND HE'S A PENGUIN, NOT DIAMOND.
59
00:02:36,849 --> 00:02:38,725
AND YOUR BEST FRIEND
IS ME.
60
00:02:39,835 --> 00:02:42,652
YES, I KNOW.
61
00:02:42,654 --> 00:02:45,907
THIS RING USED TO BELONG
TO MY GREAT-GRANDMOTHER,
62
00:02:45,909 --> 00:02:47,820
OLD GRANNY GRANGER.
OH.
63
00:02:47,822 --> 00:02:49,934
AND BEFORE THAT
IT BELONGED TO HER FATHER,
64
00:02:49,936 --> 00:02:52,315
OLD TRANNY GRANGER,
AS WE ALWAYS REFERRED TO HIM.
65
00:02:52,317 --> 00:02:55,537
OH, I DO HOPE
IT'S VALUABLE.
66
00:02:55,539 --> 00:02:57,987
DO YOU KNOW, I DON'T MIND
IF IT'S ONLY WORTH A PENNY.
67
00:02:57,989 --> 00:03:00,704
I'D NEVER SELL IT, ANYWAY.
IT MEANS TOO MUCH TO ME.
68
00:03:00,706 --> 00:03:03,255
YEAH. WELL, I'M GOING TO
SHOW THEM SOMETHING
69
00:03:03,257 --> 00:03:06,711
VERY, VERY, VERY UNUSUAL.
70
00:03:06,713 --> 00:03:08,893
WHAT IS IT?
71
00:03:12,955 --> 00:03:15,033
IT'S PAPA SMURF.
72
00:03:15,035 --> 00:03:17,617
AIN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?
73
00:03:17,619 --> 00:03:21,308
HE'S EXQUISITE,
OBVIOUSLY, YEAH.
74
00:03:21,310 --> 00:03:24,060
BUT I DON'T WANT TO WORRY YOU.
75
00:03:24,062 --> 00:03:27,013
I HAVE ONE OF THOSE MYSELF,
76
00:03:27,015 --> 00:03:30,704
AND I THINK I REMEMBER IT
COSTING ABOUT 50 PENCE
77
00:03:30,706 --> 00:03:33,254
AND TWO RICE CRISPY
PACKET TOPS.
78
00:03:33,256 --> 00:03:34,865
THAT MUST'VE BEEN
A DIFFERENT ONE
79
00:03:34,867 --> 00:03:38,154
BECAUSE THIS WAS
MY MAIN CHRISTMAS PRESENT
FROM MY DAD
80
00:03:38,156 --> 00:03:40,032
THE YEAR HE LEFT HOME.
81
00:03:40,034 --> 00:03:44,227
AND HE SAID IT WAS
AN EXPENSIVE, SPECIAL SMURF.
82
00:03:44,229 --> 00:03:47,481
AND MY DAD WOULDN'T HAVE
LIED TO ME, WOULD HE?
83
00:03:47,483 --> 00:03:49,193
OBVIOUSLY NOT.
84
00:03:49,195 --> 00:03:52,615
SO IT MUST BE WORTH
A FORTUNE!
85
00:03:52,617 --> 00:03:55,938
RIGHT.
86
00:03:55,940 --> 00:03:58,153
HE IS THE BEST DAD
IN THE WORLD
87
00:03:58,155 --> 00:04:00,870
BECAUSE,
EVEN THOUGH HE'S DEAD,
HE STILL RINGS MUM UP.
88
00:04:00,872 --> 00:04:02,883
DOES HE?
YEAH.
89
00:04:02,885 --> 00:04:05,837
ONCE A YEAR FROM
SOMEWHERE IN HEAVEN
CALLED AUCKLAND.
90
00:04:05,839 --> 00:04:08,320
RIGHT.
91
00:04:08,322 --> 00:04:11,307
YEAH. SHE TELLS HIM
HOW WE ARE,
92
00:04:11,309 --> 00:04:13,823
AND THEN SHE SAYS,
"ARE YOU STILL SHACKED UP
WITH THAT BITCH
93
00:04:13,825 --> 00:04:15,601
FROM THE MOBILE LIBRARY?"
94
00:04:17,013 --> 00:04:19,024
AND THEN SHE
PUTS THE PHONE DOWN.
95
00:04:19,026 --> 00:04:21,206
IT'S ALWAYS QUITE
A SHORT CONVERSATION.
96
00:04:21,208 --> 00:04:24,661
YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY SURE
YOUR DAD IS DEAD, YEAH?
97
00:04:24,663 --> 00:04:28,755
YEAH. OH, I REMEMBER
HER TELLIN' US HE'S DEAD.
98
00:04:28,757 --> 00:04:30,366
DEAD.
99
00:04:30,368 --> 00:04:34,728
THAT MAN IS DEAD!
100
00:04:34,730 --> 00:04:36,037
SHE SAID.
101
00:04:36,039 --> 00:04:39,768
- RIGHT.
- THAT'S WHY I WANT TO
KNOW HOW MUCH IT'S WORTH
102
00:04:39,770 --> 00:04:43,963
BECAUSE...WELL, THEN I'LL KNOW
HOW MUCH HE REALLY LOVED ME.
103
00:04:45,173 --> 00:04:46,950
I SEE.
104
00:04:46,952 --> 00:04:49,533
OH. DOES YOUR DAD
RING YOU FROM HEAVEN?
105
00:04:49,535 --> 00:04:51,345
NO.
106
00:04:51,347 --> 00:04:55,372
OH, YOU POOR THING,
POOR VICAR!
107
00:04:55,374 --> 00:04:56,815
NO, HE RINGS ME FROM DEVON.
108
00:04:58,428 --> 00:05:00,574
BECAUSE HE'S NOT DEAD, IS HE?
109
00:05:04,670 --> 00:05:07,452
Director: COMING TO
RUPERT FIRST. QUEUE IN
110
00:05:07,454 --> 00:05:09,331
AND TAKE IT.
111
00:05:09,333 --> 00:05:11,949
THIS IS A TYPICAL
PASTORAL VIEW,
112
00:05:11,951 --> 00:05:13,896
AND IF WE LOOK
AT THE SIGNATURE,
113
00:05:13,898 --> 00:05:16,009
WE CAN SEE THE NAME
JOHN CONSTABLE.
114
00:05:16,011 --> 00:05:18,761
YES. HE WAS VERY FOND
OF THIS PART OF THE WORLD.
115
00:05:18,763 --> 00:05:22,553
AND I THINK IT'S WONDERFUL
THAT SOME OF HIS WORK
SHOULD HAVE FOUND A HOME HERE.
116
00:05:22,555 --> 00:05:24,767
UM, UNFORTUNATELY,
117
00:05:24,769 --> 00:05:26,983
IT'S A FORGERY.
118
00:05:26,985 --> 00:05:30,170
PROBABLY PAINTED
IN THE 1960s.
119
00:05:30,172 --> 00:05:33,391
AS WE CAN SEE,
IF WE JUST RUB AWAY,
120
00:05:33,393 --> 00:05:35,069
HERE, WITH SOME TERPS.
121
00:05:35,071 --> 00:05:38,626
HEY! WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING?
122
00:05:38,628 --> 00:05:41,881
YOU CAN SEE IT'S PAINTED OVER
SOMETHING RATHER MORE MODERN.
123
00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:44,532
CAN I ASK, HOW MUCH
DID YOU PAY FOR THIS?
124
00:05:44,534 --> 00:05:47,049
UM, NOT MUCH.
125
00:05:47,051 --> 00:05:49,901
£360,000.
126
00:05:51,279 --> 00:05:54,666
AND WE'VE NEVER SEEN
ONE OF THESE ON THE SHOW BEFORE.
127
00:05:54,668 --> 00:05:56,713
PERHAPS YOU CAN
TELL THE VIEWERS
WHAT IT IS.
128
00:05:56,715 --> 00:05:58,390
IT'S A BADGER TRAP.
129
00:05:58,392 --> 00:06:00,841
THE BADGER WALKS INTO IT--
WHAP!
130
00:06:00,843 --> 00:06:03,021
CAN'T GET HIS LEG OUT.
131
00:06:03,023 --> 00:06:06,477
YES. CAN I JUST SAY
A LOT OF CHILDREN
WATCH THIS SHOW.
132
00:06:06,479 --> 00:06:10,035
RIGHT. I WILL REPHRASE THAT
FOR THE YOUNGER VIEWER.
133
00:06:11,144 --> 00:06:13,524
TRAP SHUTS,
BLOOD SPURTS,
134
00:06:13,526 --> 00:06:15,068
TENDONS RIP,
135
00:06:15,070 --> 00:06:17,987
AND IT HAS TO CHEW
ITS OWN LEG OFF
IF IT WANTS TO ESCAPE
136
00:06:17,989 --> 00:06:21,041
BEFORE I PUT A BULLET
THROUGH ITS HEAD.
137
00:06:22,117 --> 00:06:24,497
HELLO, KIDDIES.
138
00:06:24,499 --> 00:06:27,483
AND YOU'VE ALSO BROUGHT ALONG
THIS TURNER SEASCAPE,
139
00:06:27,485 --> 00:06:32,181
WHICH I'M SORRY TO SAY
IS NOT BY TURNER.
140
00:06:32,184 --> 00:06:33,389
WHEW!
141
00:06:33,391 --> 00:06:37,751
THANK GOD YOU
KNOCKED HIM DOWN
TO A MILLION THEN.
142
00:06:37,753 --> 00:06:39,563
AND WHAT HAVE YOU
BROUGHT ALONG?
143
00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:42,416
A CAULIFLOWER,
144
00:06:42,418 --> 00:06:45,201
A CHICKEN LEG,
145
00:06:45,203 --> 00:06:49,597
A SMALL PACKET
OF BUFFALO MOZZARELLA,
146
00:06:49,599 --> 00:06:51,879
AND A COUPLE OF ONIONS.
147
00:06:51,881 --> 00:06:55,973
AND, UM, WHAT AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THEM?
148
00:06:55,975 --> 00:06:58,993
NO, NO, NO, NO.
WHAT YOU USUALLY DO.
149
00:06:58,995 --> 00:07:01,308
I BRING SOME FOOD
AND YOU COOK IT.
150
00:07:01,310 --> 00:07:04,026
THAT'S READY STEADY COOK.
151
00:07:05,068 --> 00:07:07,717
BUGGER.
152
00:07:12,752 --> 00:07:16,610
HILARY?
GERALDINE GRANGER,
VICAR OF THIS ASYLUM.
153
00:07:16,612 --> 00:07:17,784
HELLO.
HELLO.
154
00:07:17,786 --> 00:07:20,402
NOW, YOU SEE
THE THING IS,
155
00:07:19,404 --> 00:07:22,254
A WIDE-EYED BRAINLESS
BLOND THING CALLED "ALICE,"
156
00:07:22,256 --> 00:07:25,542
AND IS GOING TO COME IN
AND ASK YOU TO VALUE HER SMURF.
157
00:07:25,544 --> 00:07:28,294
SO I'D LIKE YOU TO LIE
A LITTLE BIT
158
00:07:28,296 --> 00:07:30,139
AND SAY THAT IT'S
WORTH A LOT.
159
00:07:30,141 --> 00:07:32,052
I'M SORRY. I CAN'T DO THAT.
160
00:07:32,054 --> 00:07:33,864
GUARANTEE A PLACE
IN HEAVEN,
161
00:07:33,866 --> 00:07:36,112
FRONT ROW SEATS
RIGHT NEXT TO CLIFF RICHARD.
162
00:07:36,114 --> 00:07:37,555
AND UNLIKE WIMBLEDON,
OF COURSE,
163
00:07:37,557 --> 00:07:39,065
THERE'S NO RAIN IN HEAVEN
164
00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:41,112
SO YOU WON'T HAVE TO
LISTEN TO HIM SING.
165
00:07:41,114 --> 00:07:42,588
NO, I'M AFRAID NOT.
166
00:07:42,590 --> 00:07:45,776
RIGHT.
RIGHT, RIGHT.
167
00:07:46,819 --> 00:07:49,266
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
TELL THE PAPERS
168
00:07:49,268 --> 00:07:51,179
ABOUT YOU AND MICHAEL ASPEL.
169
00:07:51,181 --> 00:07:53,629
AND THAT 20 MINUTES
ON THE ELIZABETHAN SIDEBOARD
170
00:07:53,631 --> 00:07:57,118
WHERE MORE THAN THE VENEER
WAS INLAID.
171
00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:58,998
WELL, THAT'S JUST NOT TRUE.
172
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,145
GRANTED, YEAH,
BUT YOUR PROBLEM IS,
173
00:08:01,147 --> 00:08:02,991
YOU SEE,
THAT I'M A VICAR.
174
00:08:02,993 --> 00:08:05,138
SO WHO ARE THEY
LIKELY TO BELIEVE,
175
00:08:05,140 --> 00:08:07,890
ME OR SOME TART
OFF THE TELLY?
176
00:08:08,932 --> 00:08:10,843
NOW, LISTEN,
THE THING IS
177
00:08:10,845 --> 00:08:14,501
SHE REALLY BELIEVES THAT
HER FATHER SPENT A FORTUNE
ON THIS THING.
178
00:08:14,503 --> 00:08:16,580
AND IF YOU TELL HER
THAT IT'S WORTHLESS,
179
00:08:16,582 --> 00:08:18,426
SHE'S GONNA HATE
HER FATHER FOREVER.
180
00:08:18,428 --> 00:08:20,373
IT'S GOING TO DESTROY
HER LIFE.
181
00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:22,487
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.
182
00:08:22,489 --> 00:08:23,997
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
183
00:08:23,999 --> 00:08:26,715
NICE TART. HALLELUJAH!
184
00:08:34,813 --> 00:08:37,228
AND THIS LAVENDER FIELD,
WHICH YOU SAY
185
00:08:37,230 --> 00:08:41,187
IS AN EARLY MONET SKETCH,
FOR WHICH YOU PAID...
186
00:08:41,189 --> 00:08:43,268
THREE-QUARTERS OF
A MILLION POUNDS.
187
00:08:43,270 --> 00:08:46,254
BUT, IN FACT,
IF YOU LOOK CAREFULLY
188
00:08:46,256 --> 00:08:49,005
AT THE SIGNATURE
DOWN HERE IN THE CORNER--
189
00:08:49,007 --> 00:08:51,557
OH, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
190
00:08:51,559 --> 00:08:54,409
YOU'LL SEE THAT IT
ACTUALLY SAYS "MANET."
191
00:08:54,411 --> 00:08:58,268
LATE MANET,
WORTH 3 TO 4 MILLION.
192
00:09:01,323 --> 00:09:04,509
AH. AND WHO'S THIS
LITTLE OLD MAN
YOU'VE BROUGHT IN?
193
00:09:04,511 --> 00:09:07,361
HE'S HUGO.
HE'S MY HUSBAND.
194
00:09:07,363 --> 00:09:09,811
ACTUALLY, I'M
NOT AS OLD AS I LOOK.
195
00:09:09,813 --> 00:09:11,556
NO, NO. I MEANT THIS.
196
00:09:11,558 --> 00:09:14,676
IT'S A PAPA SMURF,
197
00:09:14,678 --> 00:09:17,696
AND IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,
IT'S A VERY SPECIAL ONE.
198
00:09:17,698 --> 00:09:19,810
YES, IT IS.
199
00:09:19,812 --> 00:09:23,435
IT SAYS,
"MADE IN CHINA"
ON THE BASE.
200
00:09:23,437 --> 00:09:25,649
NOW, THIS TELLS ME
201
00:09:25,651 --> 00:09:28,870
THAT IT'S PART
OF THE MING DYNASTY,
202
00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:32,159
WHEN IT MOVED FROM
PORCELAIN INTO PLASTIC.
203
00:09:32,161 --> 00:09:33,334
OH...
204
00:09:33,336 --> 00:09:35,280
AND DO YOU LIKE
THE WAY IT'S PAINTED?
205
00:09:35,282 --> 00:09:37,092
YES, I DO.
206
00:09:37,094 --> 00:09:39,878
WELL, YOU SHOULD
BECAUSE THIS IS HAND-PAINTED
207
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:42,059
BY DAVID HOCKNEY.
208
00:09:42,061 --> 00:09:44,641
( gasps )
OH, WOW!
209
00:09:44,643 --> 00:09:46,386
WHO'S HE?
210
00:09:46,388 --> 00:09:48,333
QUITE A FAMOUS PAINTER.
211
00:09:49,711 --> 00:09:52,192
AND HAVE YOU THOUGHT
OF HAVING IT INSURED?
212
00:09:52,194 --> 00:09:53,971
NO.
213
00:09:53,973 --> 00:09:56,823
WELL, I THINK YOU SHOULD
BECAUSE I'D SAY
214
00:09:56,825 --> 00:09:58,634
THAT THIS LITTLE SMURF
215
00:09:58,636 --> 00:10:03,300
WOULD BE WORTH IN THE REGION
OF £2,000.
216
00:10:04,375 --> 00:10:06,454
SHUT UP!
217
00:10:06,456 --> 00:10:07,762
NO, IT IS.
218
00:10:07,764 --> 00:10:09,272
OH!
219
00:10:09,274 --> 00:10:10,480
HA HA!
220
00:10:10,482 --> 00:10:15,178
BABY! COME TO MAMA!
221
00:10:15,180 --> 00:10:18,970
MY DAD MUST'VE LOVED ME
SO MUCH.
222
00:10:18,972 --> 00:10:20,111
I KNOW.
223
00:10:20,113 --> 00:10:22,259
SHE ALSO VALUED
MY HEADLESS TEDDY,
224
00:10:22,261 --> 00:10:24,305
BUT SHE SAID
IT WAS WORTH LESS.
225
00:10:24,307 --> 00:10:27,192
NO. SHE SAID IS WAS "WORTHLESS."
226
00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:29,305
OH, NO.
227
00:10:29,307 --> 00:10:33,031
AT LEAST NOW
YOU CAN KEEP THE SMURF
AND TREASURE IT FOREVER.
228
00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:35,044
OR...
OR WHAT?
229
00:10:35,046 --> 00:10:37,459
WELL AS IT'S WORTH SO MUCH,
WE'VE HAD A BETTER IDEA.
230
00:10:37,462 --> 00:10:40,345
WE'RE GOING TO SELL IT
AND GIVE THE £2,000
TO COMIC RELIEF.
231
00:10:40,347 --> 00:10:41,687
OH, NO.
232
00:10:41,689 --> 00:10:44,574
OH, YES. MY DAD
WOULD BE SO PROUD.
233
00:10:44,576 --> 00:10:48,634
IN FACT, IF HE
WEREN'T DEAD ALREADY,
I THINK HE WOULD DIE OF PRIDE.
234
00:10:48,636 --> 00:10:50,647
I'M REALLY GLAD
HE'S DEAD, ACTUALLY.
235
00:10:50,649 --> 00:10:53,029
YES. IT'S BRILLIANT.
236
00:10:53,031 --> 00:10:55,512
SO WE'RE GOING TO A DEALER
TO SELL IT RIGHT NOW.
237
00:10:55,514 --> 00:10:57,191
ARE YOU?
YEAH.
238
00:10:57,193 --> 00:10:59,237
ANTIQUE SHOP,
HERE WE COME.
239
00:10:59,239 --> 00:11:00,412
RIGHT.
240
00:11:00,414 --> 00:11:02,694
NO, NO, NO!
STOP IT, STOP IT!
241
00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:06,452
LOOK, I'VE GOT A BETTER IDEA
ABOUT THIS.
242
00:11:06,454 --> 00:11:09,472
YEAH, I'VE HAD A MUCH,
MUCH, MUCH, MUCH
243
00:11:09,474 --> 00:11:12,223
BETTER IDEA ABOUT IT.
- HOORAH!
244
00:11:12,225 --> 00:11:15,646
UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME.
245
00:11:16,963 --> 00:11:19,714
AND SO I POPPED ROUND
REALLY TO SAY THANK YOU
246
00:11:19,716 --> 00:11:22,196
FOR OFFERING TO SELL
MY SMURF FOR ME.
247
00:11:22,198 --> 00:11:24,914
WELL, IT MADE SENSE.
I KNOW ABOUT ANTIQUES.
248
00:11:24,916 --> 00:11:26,659
I'VE GOT CONTACTS.
249
00:11:26,661 --> 00:11:28,572
SO YOU CAN SEE HIM BETTER?
250
00:11:28,574 --> 00:11:30,686
NO, NOT CONTACT LENSES,
ALICE.
251
00:11:30,688 --> 00:11:33,035
I'VE GOT CONTACTS
IN THE ANTIQUES TRADE.
252
00:11:33,037 --> 00:11:34,310
OH, RIGHT.
253
00:11:34,312 --> 00:11:36,793
SO, I SOLD IT FOR YOU.
254
00:11:36,795 --> 00:11:39,108
AND...
255
00:11:39,110 --> 00:11:40,416
TA-DAH!
256
00:11:40,418 --> 00:11:42,061
HERE'S YOUR £2,000.
257
00:11:42,063 --> 00:11:44,410
OH, WOW!
258
00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:47,497
OH, I AM GOING TO SEND THIS
STRAIGHT TO COMIC RELIEF,
259
00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:50,114
AND 2,000 PEOPLE WON'T DIE.
260
00:11:50,116 --> 00:11:51,692
WELL, HOORAY!
261
00:11:51,694 --> 00:11:54,409
HERE.
LET'S CELEBRATE.
262
00:11:56,324 --> 00:11:58,235
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHERE'S YOUR RING?
263
00:11:58,237 --> 00:11:59,645
MY RING?
MM.
264
00:11:59,647 --> 00:12:01,826
YOU MEAN MY
PRICELESS, UNIQUE
265
00:12:01,828 --> 00:12:03,135
FAMILY HEIRLOOM
266
00:12:03,137 --> 00:12:05,517
THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO
EVER PART WITH?
267
00:12:05,519 --> 00:12:07,597
IT'S, UH...
268
00:12:07,599 --> 00:12:10,148
IT'S IN A BOX UPSTAIRS.
269
00:12:10,150 --> 00:12:12,328
DID YOU GET IT VALUED?
YES.
270
00:12:12,331 --> 00:12:15,147
£1,200.
271
00:12:15,149 --> 00:12:18,167
OH, WOW!
IT'S LESS THAN MY SMURF.
272
00:12:18,169 --> 00:12:22,731
YEAH. 800 WHOLE SODDING POUNDS
LESS THAN YOUR SMURF.
273
00:12:24,042 --> 00:12:27,429
STILL, COMIC RELIEF
GETS £2,000,
274
00:12:27,431 --> 00:12:29,308
AND THAT'S WHAT REALLY MATTERS.
275
00:12:29,310 --> 00:12:31,422
DO YOU WANT TO
COME ON IN?
276
00:12:31,424 --> 00:12:33,234
YEAH. OH, COULD WE
WATCH THE TELLY?
277
00:12:33,236 --> 00:12:35,147
YEAH!
278
00:12:38,705 --> 00:12:41,723
SO YOU DECIDED YOU
DIDN'T LIKE YOUR NEW ONE?
279
00:12:41,725 --> 00:12:44,979
YEAH. IT WAS,
YOU KNOW, RUBBISH.
280
00:12:44,981 --> 00:12:47,630
OH...BATTERY'S GONE.
281
00:12:49,175 --> 00:12:50,750
NEVER MIND.
282
00:12:50,752 --> 00:12:52,897
LISTEN, LET'S JUST...
283
00:12:52,899 --> 00:12:54,979
LET'S JUST TALK.
284
00:12:56,091 --> 00:13:00,418
- OH, GOD.
- UM...
285
00:13:00,420 --> 00:13:02,230
RIGHT. HERE'S THE JOKE.
286
00:13:02,732 --> 00:13:07,595
- SORRY. CAN I JUST STOP
YOU FOR ONE MOMENT?
- YES?
287
00:13:07,597 --> 00:13:10,281
IT'S JUST CAUSE
YOU ALWAYS SAY TO ME
288
00:13:10,283 --> 00:13:11,421
"HERE'S THE JOKE,"
289
00:13:11,423 --> 00:13:13,367
AND THEN YOU JUST
TELL ME SOMETHING
290
00:13:13,369 --> 00:13:15,660
THAT ISN'T REMOTELY FUNNY
WHATSOEVER.
291
00:13:16,762 --> 00:13:20,250
ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY CONFIDENT
THAT THIS REALLY IS A JOKE?
292
00:13:20,252 --> 00:13:21,927
YES.
293
00:13:21,929 --> 00:13:24,645
GOOD. OFF YOU GO, THEN.
294
00:13:24,647 --> 00:13:26,156
RIGHT.
295
00:13:26,158 --> 00:13:28,069
A LOBSTER GOES
INTO A BAR...
296
00:13:28,071 --> 00:13:29,242
MM-HMM.
297
00:13:29,244 --> 00:13:30,518
AND HE ORDERS A PINT,
298
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,665
AND THE BARMAN
REFUSES TO SERVE HIM.
299
00:13:32,667 --> 00:13:35,048
AND THE LOBSTER SAYS,
"WHY WON'T YOU SERVE ME,
MATE?"
300
00:13:35,050 --> 00:13:37,195
HE SAYS,
"I RECOGNIZE YOU, PAL,
301
00:13:37,197 --> 00:13:39,342
"YOU WERE IN HERE YESTERDAY
WITH YOUR MATES
302
00:13:39,344 --> 00:13:42,095
GIVIN' IT ALL THAT!
303
00:13:42,097 --> 00:13:44,476
( laughing )
304
00:13:47,231 --> 00:13:48,806
NO.
YEAH, ALL THAT.
305
00:13:48,808 --> 00:13:51,323
NO! NO!
306
00:13:52,834 --> 00:13:56,356
YET AGAIN
YOU LET ME DOWN.
307
00:13:56,358 --> 00:13:59,812
♪ FOREVER ♪
20497
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