All language subtitles for The.Vicar.of.Dibley.S01E03.Community.Spirit

Right.., I call this Dibley
Parish Council meeting to order.

Item 1: -Do we have any apologies?

No-no-no-no-no-no, yes.

Yes, Jim?

No-no-no, yes.

I'm sorry I missed
the bridge evening yesterday.

No, you don't have to
apologise for that, Jim.

No-no-no-no-no-no.
-I WANT to!

No. I mean, "Apologies", mean

you only have to apologise
for not being HERE.

But I AM here.

Bu-bu-but I could go away,
if you like...

and then come back and apologise

for not bein' here next time.

Moving on.

Item Two: -mindless vandalism.

As you probably know, we have an
outbreak of graffiti in the village.

Oh, yes, I saw that. I don't think
you're a prat, Mr Horton.

No one said a was.

Yes, some bugger wrote,
"Mr Horton is a total prat"

on the scout hall wall..

We also seem to have acquired
a village pus office.

Are you keeping up, Frank?
Yes. "Horton's a total prat!"

Well, let's just keep an eye
out for then, shall we...

Especially the little bastard
who's tampered

with the sign
for the "Tuck Shop".

Right.., moving on.

Er, hu, hr..hr
....-"Tuck Shop"

Sorry I'm late everyone.
...I've been reading

a very interesting theory
about St John's Gospel.

Apparently, it was written by
someone called Susan..

..Amazing!
-Do continue..

I'm sorry to report
that last night's bridge evening,

wich Frank arranged,
was a disaster.

However,
there was an exception,

this village is known
for it's community spirit,

and we will have the opportunity
to demonstrate that again,

at the autumn fair
which "I".., shall be organising.

And I'm confident that we can
equal last year's record of �270.

Yes, yes.
-Is that all you got?

I've seen BRAS
that cost more than that.

It's not Live Aid. We did just dip
below the �60 million mark last time!

The woman's right.
All that effort for 200 quid.

I propose we all bung in 40 quid
now and forget the whole thing.

It does bring the village together.

Brings it together, thinking-,
"What a pain in the arse this is!"

No, no, I'm all in favour
of the fair.

I just think we just need it
to make more cash.

Does Sir Geraldine Geldof have any
ideas how to raise our first mill..?

Well, let's start at the top.
The crucial thing is who opens it.

Yes! If you start off with a
pompous nobody, you're doomed.

I bet you were scuppered last year
by a complete local zero.

Can anyone remember who it was?

It was me.

"David - a pompous nobody."

We'd probably pull a bigger crowd
with someone famous.

Churchill!
Oh, yes....

Winston Churchill.
He's very famous.

I was thinking of someone
still alive.

Yes, smart thinking, Top Cat.
Like a television personality.

Oh! You mean...Michael Fish?

Well, perhaps David IS
the perfect choice after all.

NO, you have made it quite clear
that I am not good enough.

I'm sure that Mr Fish
or his celebrity friends,

Mr Vegetable or Mrs Potato,
...will be happy to oblige.

If there is no other business?
We meet in a fortnight. Goodnight.

What about Jack from House Of Elliot?
He's pretty cool. -Yeah....

I'd like Daniel Day Lewis but maybe
old boyfriends aren't a good idea.

You could try "Edd the Duck"?
He's pretty charismatic.

Yes....!

What I have given
the people of this village!!

Yes... You gave them
dysentery last year

when that slurry
fell in the river.

I've given them everything..
A cup for the flower show.

"The David Horton cup".

A bench for the green.
"The David Horton bench".

A hut for the scouts.
-The scout hut,

"Dedicated to David Horton."

And what did I got out of it...
NOTHING!!

I even provided the land
for the bowling club.

A crucial village amenity!

And what did I get in return?

Money, wasn't it?

Still this big celebrity
is pretty exciting, isn't it?

I wonder who she'll get?

Mel Gibson? Kevin Costner?
Princess Diana?

So Babs just isn't available at all?

What about the other
Beverley Sisters?

Sorry? Babs' daughter could do it?
No, no, I'm sure she'd be perfect!

Is she a singer? Chiropodist.

Well, that doesn't
necessarily matter, does it?.

I'm sure she'll be lovely.
Will you Excuse me a moment...

What am I saying?..

I'm getting excited by the
chiropodist daughter

of a Beverley Sister!
No, no, no, no.....

Hello again. I'll have to consult with
my committee and get back to you.

Out of interest,
what does she charge? Uh-huh.

And that is for the
full massage? ..Excellent.

Lovley. Thanks.
Bye-bye.

Oh....
-Afternoon, Vicar.

Oh, hello. Have you got
a lovely guest star yet?

Not as such, ..no.
Don't worry.

I had a dream - an angel told me
this fair would be wonderful.

Alice, sweetheart,

an angel told you Prince Charles
was gonna marry Sinead O'Connor.

I think that might be
quite a naughty angel.

But I am gonna help... SO hard.
Oh?...

Look. -Oh... I've made
some soft toys to sell. -Ah...

Right, well,

This one's an elephant,
look, you can see it is...

Yes. It's a lovely elephant.

And this is another elephant.
-Right...

They don't look very, VERY similar,
do they?

Well they wouldn't, cos that one's
an Indian elephant. -Right...

You can tell by the ears. Yes,
Because it's got three, hasn't it?

That's its trunk, silly!
-Oh....

Now, THAT is a super elephant,
with a proper trunk and everything.

That's a giraffe. That's its neck.

What do you stuffed it with, foam?
No, pasta. Pasta? Yeah.

I cooked it first, you know..,
so it's all nice and squashy

but they can still stand up
and everything. Sort of. -Alice..,

Listen, I don't think you been reading
your Epistles properly, have you?.

Because in St Paul's letter
to the Ephesians, he destinctly says,

"My brothers, I ask of you only
two things. First, love the Lord

"and second, stop using pasta
in your soft toys."

No, no..
Come on, come on.

I've an idea.

Why don't we just sell these,
and not tell people what they are?

Let's say they're creatures
from another planet.

-Hey!..
We can give the planet a name.

-Yeah.....
The "Planet Elephant"!

Yeah. Or not.
I'll put the kettle on.

Good afternoon Vicar.
Hello, David. Come in.

And Hugo, looking virtually edible
in that radical new jacket. -Really?

I didn't know that flirting was
taught at theological colleges?

O' yeah,
It's the hole second year.

I need to put your star guest
in the village newsletter.

Not having difficulties I hope?

Well, yes, actually. I had three of
the Nolans in the palm of my hand...

Oh, dear. I am mortified.

I had such hi hopes.
The thought of Michael Fish -

Michael Fish!!

The Fishster -
in our little village!

Did you know the vicar, once
went out with Daniel Day Lewis?

No, I didn't!
Yeah.

But apparently, they split up.

Well, no wonder he looks so skinny
and decided to become a Mohican.

Yeah.

It must be terrible..

n-not to be with the...
the woman you l-love. -Oh, yeah.

Terrible that, innit?

I know someone who knows
Debbie McGee's gardener.

Would he be big enough..?

Come along, Hugo. Sorry, Father.
Bye, Vicar. Bye.

Trouble is, I don't know anyone
famous. Join the club.

The only showbiz person I know
is my second cousin.

But I havent seen him
since I was four.

His name's Reg Dwight.

His mum, right, got cross at me once
because I pulled his hair

to stop him playin' the piano
and a whole handful came out.

Reg Dwight...

We called him Baldy!

We stopped seeing
that side of the family.

Reg Dwight
-Alice. Mm?

I think it's time you contacted
your little cousin. Oh, all right.

It would be nice to see old specky
four-eyes again. Now, Look.

You mean he turned into Elton John?!

YE-E-E-E-ES!

God's path is for walking, Alice!

Yes, Mrs Cropley.

He's written back! He's gonna come!

Sad, isn't it, when people fail?

They have their little dreams
and just don't quite make it.

Jeremy Bates,
Graham Taylor, our vicar.

You don't think
she's found anyone?

Hugo.. Our vicar has as many
connections with the rich and famous

as I have with the
Black Panther movement!

Mark my word, they'll soon be
begging me to open the fair!

Elton John! That's pretty good,
isn't it, Father? Elton John!

Hello, Handsome.
David, how are you?

In perfect health.
We're hunky-dory here.

It seemed to me
that she lived her life

like a candle in the wind.

No-no-no-no-no
no doubt about that.

He's a jolly good name.

I love to take the credit
but It's all down to lovely Alice.

Three cheers for Alice.

We won't let the sun
go down on HER.

I'm running my own stall, too.
Creatures from the planet Elton.

Good Lord, That looks like an
Indian elephant. Oh, does it?

What about you, Jim? Got a stall?
No-no-no-no-no. NO

I'm doing the loud-speaking
announcements.

I forget who did it last time.

At least this year we've got a
professional judge doin' the flowers

instead of some awful amateur.

Who was it last time? Right.
I'll let you get on with it then.

Come on, Hugo. Comming father.
Great giraffe, too.

Brilliant,
just leaving out the head.

Ah. Now, Vicar, I've heard about
these rock star types.

I'm afraid he'll be expectin'
someone to supply some drugs.

Ye-es.

Problem is,
I've been asking down the pub,

and no-one seems to have
any heroin.

D'you think Night Nurse will do?

Absolutely. Works every time.
Good thinking, Owen.

Intolerable!

Why aren't you in bed?
It's a last minute ide'a a had.

We're having a fashion parade
at the end of the fete.

People have to come as characters
from Elton John's songs.

Oh., look at Mrs C!

Am I mistaken or did Mr John
write a song about Danny La Rue?

No..,
- Marilyn Monroe.

It seemed to him,

she lived her life
like a candle in the wind,

never knowing who to cling to
when the rain set in.

I think you'll find, David,
that Jim's our star turn.

Come in, Jim Trott!

A skinhead!

# Saturday night's
all right for fighting! #

Yes,.. Well,..
Much as I'd like to dress up

as someone who's had their
brain surgically removed, Vicar.

I'm afraid you will find that myself
and Hugo, will not have time to

join in this particular piece
of.. "high-class" entertainment.

Hugo!

Get it? I-I'm Dorothy.
"Wizard of Oz".

"Goodbye Yellow Brick Road".

I-I borrowed one of
Alice's dresses.

Sorry, Father.

He should be here in a minute.
Ooh..., I cant wait..

Eyes closed. Oh, OK.
Keep 'em closed. Yep.

Oh!

Can't see very well.

Right....
..Open!

He gonna love thise,

he wears thise sort of things
all the time. -I know!...

Perfect, aren't they!
-He's here! AAH!... AAH!....

Ssh! Ssh! Ah! Ah! Ssh!

Well..,
..obviously not.

Ooh...
Loo!...

Hi, Elton.
Elton, hi.

Hello.

Hello...

I believe you're expecting me.
...-Reg Dwight?

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

'No-no-no-no-no-no parking
is allowed on the upper field.

'No-no-no-no-no refreshments will be
available in the refreshment tent.'

Well! Tremendous to see you,
..Reg ..Dwight.

I'll tell you, this will be a day
I'll never forget.

Yes.., I think It's gonna stick
in my memory, too.....

Seein' little Alice after all these
years. Yes. She'll come round soon.

Probably It's just the thrill of
seeing you again, ..Reg ..Dwight.

I'd better just help her up.

Come on, clever Alice
from such a tight-knit family.

Head between your legs, dear.

It's an honour to be asked
to open the fair.

I've only ever opened
a window before.

You? Never asked for open a fair?

Unbelievable!...
A mad world, isn't it? Nuts!

Well.., except for once..,
and it turned out,

they didn't really
wanted me at all.

They wanted Elton John
you see...

Cos his name, ...used to be
...Reg Dwight.

I didn't know that!

Still, I see,
you like old Elton.

Yes, yes... O' Tha-at.., no that's
just a coincidence that that's on.

Thi-is.., I'm completely
bored with that now.

Do sit down,
Reg Dwight.

(Reg Dwight?!)

Oh, that? That's just Ben Elton.

Oh, I've brought one of my tapes
if you're interested.

That's the live album.
The blues is what I sing.

Well, that should capture the mood
of the entire audience perfectly.

Excuse me just a mini-moment.

Hello, Alice.
(Hello, Reg).

Has he arrived yet?
Yes and no.

Is he the same as on TV?
Not exactly, no.

Oh...

Hello, there.

He looks a completely
different person without his wig.

That is becouse he IS a
completely different person.

Hello, mate.
Hello.

Where's Elton John?

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

You! He's just...

You were expecting Elton John,
weren't you? No!

No. No.

No.

Or..., if I'm honest..,

yes.

If I were you,
I'd ask Mr Dwight to open it.

If he can fool me and Frank,
he can fool anyone.

Yes, well, I'm afraid you're
not "typical" rock fans.

Oh., I've got a
Gilbert O'Sullivan record.

The one where
he fancies his little niece.

No, no, no, no, no... I'll just
have to be honest with them.

It's the only way, isn't it?
-Yeah, yeah.

How does this sound?
"Ladies and Gentlemen, unfortunately

I just received a phone-call
from Elton John

"and he's very, very, very sick."
-Yeah...

"In fact, he's dead."
-Yeah..

'No-no-no-no-no parking
is allowed on the upper field.

'Thank you.'

Sorry,. Is that
-NO parking is allowed in the upper field-,

or,
-parking IS allowed in the upper field-?

No-no-no-no-no-no parking
is allowed in the upper field.

OK?

David. Hello.
I've just been told the news.

What a total and
utter Unmitigated cock-up!

I thought the '87 fair
was embarrassing

when thise blody kids put
cannabis in the cup-cakes

but this reeeally is,
the queen of balls-ups.

Hundreds of people
waiting to see Elton John

and you invite Rambling Sid Rumpo.

David... This is Reg Dwight.

I bet it is.
I hope you're satisfied.

I rather liked the fair in '87.

Such larks!

David..,
can you come here a moment?

You see..,
The thing is,

somebody's got to go and tell the
crowd about the change in line-up.

Now., Obviously..,
I would love to do it,

but unfortunately, women's problems
of the most dramatic nature.

I mean.., to be honest,
I can't even walk,

never mind leave the house.

I was just wondered if you'd
do the honours instead..?

.....No.

Fair enough. It was worth a try.

Is Elton John in your house?
Ah.. Ask the vicar...

When's he comin' out?
He came out years ago!

After all I've done for you!
I could've been a prima ballerina!

Hello! Vicar!

Yes?

I'm sorry to interrupt.
Has Elton arrived? Elton?

Yeah,
I heard he was opening the fair.

I thought I'd drop by
and surprise him.

O' God, thank you, mate.
Kylie..,

I'll come clean with you,
you totaly Fabulous woman.

There's been a bit of a hiccup
on the Elton front.

Well,
..not so much of a hiccup,

more like a huge big belch
...with a bit of sick in it.

Would you do me the teeniest favour?

..Like., What?

May I say one thing
before I reply to that?

If you do this..., no matter
what you do on earth -

sex, drugs, ritual satanism -

I can guarantee you
the best seat in heaven.

You and God, just like that,
next to each other.

Jesus - row C. Elvis - serving
the drinks. Gandhi - sod him!

Well, my mother did always tell me,
"Never say no to a priest."

I love your mother.

Kylie.. Ever thought of going into
the priesthood? Can't say I have.

Oh.. You'd be so good at it. Goddess
to priestess in one simple move.

You might have to think of
changing your wardrobe.

Church of England can't cope
with hotpants yet.

I know..,
I've tried.

Ladies and gentlemen,

there has been a slight change to
the published schedule for today.

"Slight" as in
-Hitler was "Slightly" nasty!-

I'm afraid, Er.. Elton John
WON'T be able to join us.

Isn't life's a
wonderful thing sometimes.

Bu-ut, we are delighted to welcome,
..in his stead,

one of Oxfordshire's
most popular entertainers.

Yes, it's Reg Dwight!

What a coup!

And just for you, here today,
we are so lucky -

lucky, lucky, lucky -
to have the genuinely perfect...

I don't care what the Bible says
about girls kissing girls,

I'D snog her any day.

The one, the only...Kylie Minogue!
Yeah!

I-I can't believe it!
I cannot believe it!

She's thinking of taking
holy orders next autumn

so enjoy her while you can.

Isn't it fabulous?
Yes, isn't it.

She was always one of my
favourite contemporary entertainers.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it gives me great pleasure
to declare the Dibley Fair open!

And now, please, the award
for the most misshapen vegetable.

We have Owen Newitt's potato,

Jim Trott's parsnip,

and Hugo Horton's carrot
in the shape of David Mellor.

And the winner is...Hugo Horton!

Kiss him, OK? Don't ask questions,
just kiss him, please.

Congratulations!

# But the years went by
and rock just died

# Suzy went and left us
for some foreign guy

# Long nights cryin'
by the record machine... #

Oh.., that's lovely.

You don't have a lippy
for a vicar with attitude?

Oh, great. Now give me the dirt
on Prince. Oh, I can't.

I said,
Give me the dirt on Prince.

Well...

Thank you very much indeed.

And were pleased to announce
the amount we raised today is..

WITHOUT the bid for Mrs Cropley's
orange cake with branston pickle...

Three thousand, four hundred
and fifty-six pounds!

Well done, Dibley!

Did you see the way
she kissed Hugo?

No-no-no-no,
I don't call that a Kiss.

What DO you call it Jim?

No-no-no-no-no,
I'd call that a snog.

Ah, ...Come on!

No, I think he's right.

I wouldn't be surprised if there be
wedding bells before too long.

Ah...Don't be silly.

No, ..she will never come back
to the village.

Lightning doesn't strike twice
in the same place.

No-no-no-no-no, it does.

Does it?
..Oh, yes.

My father was
struck twice by lightning.

Good Lord!
How did he feel afterwards?

So.. Three nuns get killed
in a car crash. Oh, dear.

And they go up to heaven. 'Course.
And Peter's at the gate and says,

"You have to answer a question
before you get in." ..-Oh.

So he says to the first one.

Dont worry,
the questions are very easy.

"-What was the name
of the first woman?-"

She says, "Eve."
and he says, "You're in."

He says to the second one,
"Where did Eve live?" I know. Yeah.

She says, "The Garden of Eden."
He says, "You're in."

Phew! And he says
to the Mother Superior,

"The question'll have to
be more tricky for you."

Fair enough, cos... Obviously.

He says to her, "What did Eve say
when she first saw Adam?"

Mother Superior says,
"That's a hard one."

He says, "Yup, you're in."

She hadn't answered the question.

-Pardon?
She hadn't answered it.

How do you mean?

She didn't know.
Doesn't work, does it?

That end bit needs a jig. I'm gonna
send it back. Stupid, that one.