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1
00:00:00,646 --> 00:00:06,548
♪ THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD,
I SHALL NOT WANT ♪
2
00:00:06,550 --> 00:00:09,118
♪ HE MAKETH ME ♪
3
00:00:09,120 --> 00:00:12,420
♪ TO LIE DOWN
IN GREEN PASTURES ♪
4
00:00:12,422 --> 00:00:18,159
♪ HE LEADETH ME ♪
5
00:00:18,161 --> 00:00:23,563
♪ BESIDE THE STILL WATERS ♪
6
00:00:26,636 --> 00:00:29,469
♪ STILL WATERS ♪
7
00:00:29,471 --> 00:00:31,303
( pig squeals )
8
00:00:36,811 --> 00:00:41,346
RIGHT. I CALL THIS
MEETING OF THE DIBLEY
PARISH COUNCIL TO ORDER.
9
00:00:41,348 --> 00:00:43,214
ITEM ONE--DO WE HAVE
ANY APOLOGIES?
10
00:00:43,216 --> 00:00:45,784
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO. YES.
11
00:00:45,786 --> 00:00:47,585
YES, JIM.
12
00:00:47,587 --> 00:00:50,121
NO, NO, NO, NO, YES.
13
00:00:50,123 --> 00:00:53,958
I'M SORRY I MISSED
THE BRIDGE EVENING YESTERDAY.
14
00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:56,627
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
APOLOGIZE FOR THAT, JIM.
15
00:00:56,629 --> 00:00:59,796
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I WANT TO.
16
00:01:01,900 --> 00:01:04,034
NO, I MEAN, APOLOGIES MEAN
17
00:01:04,036 --> 00:01:07,369
YOU ONLY HAVE TO APOLOGIZE
FOR NOT BEING HERE.
18
00:01:11,608 --> 00:01:13,408
BUT I AM HERE.
19
00:01:15,412 --> 00:01:18,713
I COULD GO AWAY,
IF YOU LIKE,
20
00:01:18,715 --> 00:01:21,615
AND THEN COME BACK
AND APOLOGIZE
21
00:01:21,617 --> 00:01:24,951
FOR NOT BEING HERE
NEXT TIME.
22
00:01:26,922 --> 00:01:28,155
MOVING ON.
23
00:01:28,157 --> 00:01:32,159
ITEM TWO--
MINDLESS VANDALISM.
24
00:01:32,161 --> 00:01:33,660
AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW,
25
00:01:33,662 --> 00:01:35,895
WE HAVE AN OUTBREAK OF
GRAFFITI IN THE VILLAGE.
26
00:01:35,897 --> 00:01:37,963
OH, YES,
I SAW THAT.
27
00:01:37,965 --> 00:01:40,566
I DON'T THINK
YOU'RE A PRAT,
MR. HORTON.
28
00:01:43,469 --> 00:01:44,703
NO ONE SAID I WAS.
29
00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:48,673
YES, SOME BUGGER SCRAWLED
"MR. HORTON'S A TOTAL PRAT"
30
00:01:48,675 --> 00:01:50,608
ON THE SCOUT HUT WALL.
31
00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:56,346
WE ALSO SEEM TO
HAVE ACQUIRED
A VILLAGE "PUS" OFFICE.
32
00:01:56,348 --> 00:01:57,948
YOU KEEPING UP, FRANK?
33
00:01:57,950 --> 00:02:00,250
YEAH. HORTON'S
A TOTAL PRAT.
34
00:02:02,353 --> 00:02:04,420
LET'S JUST KEEP
AN EYE OUT FOR THEM,
SHALL WE,
35
00:02:04,422 --> 00:02:05,654
ESPECIALLY THE LITTLE BASTARD
36
00:02:05,656 --> 00:02:08,691
WHO'S TAMPERED WITH THE SIGN
FOR THE TUCK SHOP.
37
00:02:11,261 --> 00:02:13,494
RIGHT. MOVING ON.
38
00:02:13,496 --> 00:02:16,231
( guttural laughter )
39
00:02:16,233 --> 00:02:17,799
TUCK SHOP!
40
00:02:20,302 --> 00:02:22,302
SORRY I'M LATE,
EVERYONE.
41
00:02:22,304 --> 00:02:25,873
BEEN READING
A VERY INTERESTING THEORY
ABOUT ST. JOHN'S GOSPEL.
42
00:02:25,875 --> 00:02:28,474
APPARENTLY IT WAS WRITTEN
BY SOMEONE CALLED SUSAN.
43
00:02:28,476 --> 00:02:31,377
AMAZING.
DO CONTINUE.
44
00:02:31,379 --> 00:02:34,480
I'M SORRY TO REPORT
THAT LAST NIGHT'S
BRIDGE EVENING--
45
00:02:34,482 --> 00:02:38,016
WHICH FRANK ARRANGED--
WAS A DISASTER.
46
00:02:38,018 --> 00:02:39,618
HOWEVER, THERE WAS
AN EXCEPTION.
47
00:02:39,620 --> 00:02:41,887
THIS VILLAGE IS KNOWN
FOR ITS COMMUNITY SPIRIT,
48
00:02:41,889 --> 00:02:43,455
AND WE WILL HAVE
AMPLE OPPORTUNITY
49
00:02:43,457 --> 00:02:46,591
TO DEMONSTRATE THAT AGAIN
AT THE AUTUMN FAYRE,
50
00:02:46,593 --> 00:02:49,326
WHICH I SHALL
BE ORGANIZING.
51
00:02:49,328 --> 00:02:52,897
I'M CONFIDENT WE CAN
EQUAL LAST YEAR'S
RECORD OF £270.
52
00:02:54,467 --> 00:02:55,699
IS THAT ALL YOU GOT?
53
00:02:57,569 --> 00:03:01,671
I'VE SEEN BRAS
THAT COST MORE THAN THAT.
54
00:03:01,673 --> 00:03:03,740
NO, IT'S NOT LIVE AID.
55
00:03:03,742 --> 00:03:07,376
WE DID JUST DIP BELOW
THE £60 MILLION MARK
LAST TIME ROUND.
56
00:03:07,378 --> 00:03:08,778
THE WOMAN'S RIGHT.
57
00:03:08,780 --> 00:03:10,479
ALL THAT EFFORT
FOR 200 QUID.
58
00:03:10,481 --> 00:03:13,948
I PROPOSE THAT WE ALL
BUNG IN 40 QUID NOW
59
00:03:13,950 --> 00:03:16,985
AND FORGET
THE WHOLE THING.
60
00:03:16,987 --> 00:03:19,854
IT DOES BRING THE VILLAGE
TOGETHER, THOUGH.
61
00:03:19,856 --> 00:03:21,555
IT BRINGS IT TOGETHER
THINKING,
62
00:03:21,557 --> 00:03:23,957
"WHAT A BLOODY
PAIN IN THE ASS
THIS IS."
63
00:03:25,060 --> 00:03:28,328
LOOK, I'M ALL IN FAVOUR
OF THE FAYRE.
64
00:03:28,330 --> 00:03:30,730
I JUST THINK WE NEED IT
TO MAKE MORE CASH.
65
00:03:30,732 --> 00:03:33,465
AND DOES
SIR GERALDINE GELDOF
HAVE ANY IDEAS
66
00:03:33,467 --> 00:03:35,902
HOW TO RAISE
OUR FIRST MILL?
67
00:03:35,904 --> 00:03:38,204
WELL, LET'S START AT THE TOP.
68
00:03:38,206 --> 00:03:40,739
THE CRUCIAL THING IS
WHO OPENS IT.
69
00:03:42,075 --> 00:03:44,075
IF YOU START OFF WITH
A POMPOUS NOBODY,
70
00:03:44,077 --> 00:03:45,510
YOU'RE DOOMED.
71
00:03:45,512 --> 00:03:47,545
I BET YOU WERE SCUPPERED
LAST YEAR, YEAH,
72
00:03:47,547 --> 00:03:50,480
BY COMPLETE LOCAL ZERO, YEAH?
73
00:03:50,482 --> 00:03:52,116
CAN ANYONE REMEMBER
WHO IT WAS?
74
00:03:53,519 --> 00:03:56,053
IT WAS ME.
75
00:03:57,456 --> 00:04:01,024
DAVID, A POMPOUS NOBODY.
76
00:04:01,026 --> 00:04:02,959
THE AWFUL TRUTH,
DAVID, IS,
77
00:04:02,961 --> 00:04:05,661
WE'D PROBABLY PULL
A BIGGER CROWD
WITH SOMEONE FAMOUS.
78
00:04:05,663 --> 00:04:06,896
CHURCHILL.
79
00:04:09,834 --> 00:04:13,135
WINSTON CHURCHILL--
HE'S VERY FAMOUS.
80
00:04:13,137 --> 00:04:16,171
I WAS THINKING MORE
OF SOMEONE STILL ALIVE.
81
00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:17,939
YES. BRILLIANT!
82
00:04:17,941 --> 00:04:19,373
SMART THINKING,
TOP CAT.
83
00:04:19,375 --> 00:04:21,209
YEAH. LIKE A TELEVISION
PERSONALITY.
84
00:04:21,211 --> 00:04:24,745
YOU MEAN MICHAEL FISH?
85
00:04:26,415 --> 00:04:29,916
WELL, PERHAPS DAVID IS
THE PERFECT CHOICE, AFTER ALL.
86
00:04:29,918 --> 00:04:33,086
OH, NO. NO, YOU HAVE
MADE IT QUITE CLEAR
87
00:04:33,088 --> 00:04:34,587
THAT I AM NOT
GOOD ENOUGH.
88
00:04:34,589 --> 00:04:37,122
I'M SURE THAT MR. FISH
OR HIS CELEBRITY FRIENDS,
89
00:04:37,124 --> 00:04:39,091
MR. VEGETABLE
OR MRS. POTATO,
90
00:04:39,093 --> 00:04:42,761
WILL BE HAPPY
TO OBLIGE.
91
00:04:42,763 --> 00:04:45,029
IF THERE IS
NO OTHER BUSINESS,
WE MEET IN A FORTNIGHT.
92
00:04:45,031 --> 00:04:46,998
GOOD NIGHT.
OH, DEAR.
93
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,567
WHAT ABOUT JACK FROM
HOUSE OF ELLIOT?
94
00:04:49,569 --> 00:04:51,102
HE'S PRETTY COOL.
95
00:04:51,104 --> 00:04:54,238
YEAH. I WAS THINKING MORE
OF DANIEL DAY LEWIS.
96
00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:56,974
ALTHOUGH MAYBE OLD
BOYFRIENDS AREN'T
SUCH A GOOD IDEA, RIGHT?
97
00:04:56,976 --> 00:04:59,243
YOU COULD TRY
ED THE DUCK.
98
00:04:59,245 --> 00:05:00,878
HE'S PRETTY
CHARISMATIC.
99
00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:02,812
YES!
100
00:05:02,814 --> 00:05:05,681
WHEN YOU THINK WHAT
I HAVE GIVEN THE
PEOPLE OF THIS VILLAGE.
101
00:05:05,683 --> 00:05:07,083
YES.
102
00:05:07,085 --> 00:05:08,317
YOU GAVE THEM DYSENTERY
LAST YEAR
103
00:05:08,319 --> 00:05:10,286
WHEN THAT SLURRY
FELL IN THE RIVER.
104
00:05:10,288 --> 00:05:11,653
I'VE GIVEN THEM
EVERYTHING--
105
00:05:11,655 --> 00:05:13,388
A CUP FOR
THE FLOWER SHOW.
106
00:05:13,390 --> 00:05:14,422
THE DAVID HORTON CUP.
107
00:05:14,424 --> 00:05:15,456
A BENCH FOR
THE GREEN.
108
00:05:15,458 --> 00:05:16,824
THE DAVID HORTON BENCH.
109
00:05:16,826 --> 00:05:18,994
A HUT FOR THE SCOUTS.
THE SCOUT HUT.
110
00:05:18,996 --> 00:05:21,795
DEDICATED TO DAVID HORTON.
111
00:05:21,797 --> 00:05:23,163
WHAT HAVE I
GOT OUT OF IT?
112
00:05:23,165 --> 00:05:24,265
NOTHING.
113
00:05:24,267 --> 00:05:26,100
I EVEN PROVIDED THE LAND
FOR THE BOWLING CLUB--
114
00:05:26,102 --> 00:05:28,168
A CRUCIAL VILLAGE AMENITY.
115
00:05:28,170 --> 00:05:29,736
WHAT DID THEY GIVE ME
IN RETURN?
116
00:05:29,738 --> 00:05:32,372
MONEY, WASN'T IT?
117
00:05:32,374 --> 00:05:34,540
STILL, THIS BIG CELEBRITY'S
PRETTY EXCITING, ISN'T IT?
118
00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:35,841
I WONDER WHO SHE'LL GET?
119
00:05:35,843 --> 00:05:39,811
MEL GIBSON?
KEVIN COSTNER?
PRINCESS DIANA?
120
00:05:39,813 --> 00:05:42,413
SO BABS JUST ISN'T
AVAILABLE AT ALL?
121
00:05:42,415 --> 00:05:45,050
AND WHAT ABOUT
THE OTHER BEVERLEY SISTERS?
122
00:05:45,052 --> 00:05:47,252
NO. SORRY?
123
00:05:47,254 --> 00:05:49,019
BABS' DAUGHTER COULD DO IT?
124
00:05:49,021 --> 00:05:50,955
NO, NO, NO,
I'M SURE SHE'D BE PERFECT.
125
00:05:50,957 --> 00:05:52,990
IS SHE A SINGER?
CHIROPODIST.
126
00:05:52,992 --> 00:05:55,893
WELL, THAT DOESN'T
NECESSARILY MATTER, DOES IT?
127
00:05:55,895 --> 00:05:57,127
I'M SURE SHE'LL BE LOVELY.
128
00:05:57,129 --> 00:05:58,294
CAN YOU EXCUSE ME
A MOMENT?
129
00:05:58,296 --> 00:06:00,129
WHAT AM I SAYING?
130
00:06:00,131 --> 00:06:03,532
I'M GETTING EXCITED BY
THE CHIROPODIST DAUGHTER
OF A BEVERLEY SISTER.
131
00:06:03,534 --> 00:06:05,034
NO, NO, NO.
132
00:06:05,036 --> 00:06:06,735
HELLO AGAIN.
133
00:06:06,737 --> 00:06:09,137
OBVIOUSLY, I'M GOING
TO HAVE TO CONSULT
WITH MY COMMITTEE ON THAT
134
00:06:09,139 --> 00:06:10,438
AND GET BACK TO YOU.
135
00:06:10,440 --> 00:06:12,674
OUT OF INTEREST,
HOW MUCH DOES SHE CHARGE?
136
00:06:12,676 --> 00:06:13,942
UH-HUH.
137
00:06:13,944 --> 00:06:16,043
AND THAT'S FOR
THE FULL MASSAGE?
138
00:06:16,045 --> 00:06:17,245
EXCELLENT.
139
00:06:17,247 --> 00:06:20,014
LOVELY. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
BYE-BYE.
140
00:06:20,016 --> 00:06:21,715
OH!
141
00:06:21,717 --> 00:06:22,816
AFTERNOON, VICAR.
OH, HELLO.
142
00:06:22,818 --> 00:06:24,985
HAVE YOU GOT
A LOVELY GUEST STAR YET?
143
00:06:24,987 --> 00:06:26,753
NOT AS SUCH, NO.
144
00:06:26,755 --> 00:06:28,154
DON'T WORRY.
145
00:06:28,156 --> 00:06:29,422
I HAD A DREAM.
146
00:06:29,424 --> 00:06:33,026
AN ANGEL TOLD ME
THIS FAYRE WOULD
BE WONDERFUL.
147
00:06:33,028 --> 00:06:35,961
ALICE, SWEETHEART,
AN ANGEL TOLD YOU
148
00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:38,663
THAT PRINCE CHARLES
WAS GONNA MARRY
SINEAD O'CONNOR,
149
00:06:38,665 --> 00:06:40,065
DIDN'T IT?
150
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:43,034
I THINK THAT MIGHT BE
QUITE A NAUGHTY ANGEL.
151
00:06:43,036 --> 00:06:45,636
BUT I AM GONNA HELP
SO HARD.
152
00:06:45,638 --> 00:06:47,038
OH?
LOOK.
153
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:51,709
I'VE MADE SOME
SOFT TOYS TO SELL.
154
00:06:51,711 --> 00:06:56,113
RIGHT. THIS ONE'S
AN ELEPHANT--
YOU CAN SEE IT IS.
155
00:06:56,115 --> 00:06:59,449
YES. IT'S
A LOVELY ELEPHANT.
156
00:06:59,451 --> 00:07:01,750
AND THIS IS
ANOTHER ELEPHANT.
157
00:07:01,752 --> 00:07:03,252
RIGHT.
158
00:07:03,254 --> 00:07:07,156
THEY DON'T LOOK
VERY, VERY SIMILAR, DO THEY?
159
00:07:07,158 --> 00:07:10,425
THEY WOULDN'T, 'CAUSE
THAT ONE'S AN INDIAN ELEPHANT.
160
00:07:10,427 --> 00:07:11,526
RIGHT.
161
00:07:11,528 --> 00:07:13,694
YOU CAN TELL BY
THE EARS, YOU SEE.
YES.
162
00:07:13,696 --> 00:07:15,630
BECAUSE IT'S GOT THREE,
HASN'T IT?
163
00:07:15,632 --> 00:07:18,699
THAT'S ITS TRUNK,
SILLY.
164
00:07:18,701 --> 00:07:20,367
OH.
165
00:07:20,369 --> 00:07:23,503
NOW THAT IS A SUPER ELEPHANT
WITH A PROPER TRUNK
AND EVERYTHING.
166
00:07:23,505 --> 00:07:26,140
THAT'S A GIRAFFE--
THAT'S ITS NECK.
167
00:07:26,142 --> 00:07:28,142
WHAT HAVE YOU
STUFFED IT WITH--FOAM?
168
00:07:28,144 --> 00:07:29,375
NO. PASTA.
169
00:07:29,377 --> 00:07:31,077
PASTA.
YEAH.
170
00:07:31,079 --> 00:07:33,079
AND I COOKED IT FIRST,
171
00:07:33,081 --> 00:07:35,514
SO IT'S ALL
NICE AND SQUASHY.
172
00:07:35,516 --> 00:07:38,383
BUT THEY CAN STILL
STAND UP AND EVERYTHING.
173
00:07:38,385 --> 00:07:39,584
SORT OF.
174
00:07:39,586 --> 00:07:41,886
ALICE, LISTEN.
175
00:07:41,888 --> 00:07:44,122
I DON'T THINK YOU'VE
BEEN READING YOUR
EPISTLES PROPERLY
176
00:07:44,124 --> 00:07:45,324
HAVE YOU?
177
00:07:45,326 --> 00:07:47,358
IN ST. PAUL'S LETTER
TO THE EPHESIANS
178
00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:48,625
HE DISTINCTLY SAYS,
179
00:07:48,627 --> 00:07:51,162
"MY BROTHERS, I ASK OF YOU
ONLY TWO THINGS--
180
00:07:51,164 --> 00:07:52,830
"FIRST, LOVE THE LORD,
181
00:07:52,832 --> 00:07:56,833
AND SECOND, STOP USING
PASTA IN YOUR SOFT TOYS."
182
00:07:58,703 --> 00:07:59,970
COME ON, COME ON.
183
00:07:59,972 --> 00:08:01,204
I'VE HAD AN IDEA.
184
00:08:01,206 --> 00:08:02,738
WHY DON'T WE SELL THESE
185
00:08:02,740 --> 00:08:04,873
AND NOT TELL PEOPLE
WHAT THEY ARE?
186
00:08:04,875 --> 00:08:07,609
LET'S SAY THAT THEY'RE
MYSTERIOUS CREATURES
FROM ANOTHER PLANET.
187
00:08:07,611 --> 00:08:11,013
WE CAN GIVE
THE PLANET A NAME.
( knock on door )
188
00:08:11,015 --> 00:08:12,448
YEAH!
189
00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:13,781
THE PLANET ELEPHANT.
190
00:08:13,783 --> 00:08:15,883
YEAH! OR NOT.
191
00:08:15,885 --> 00:08:17,285
I'LL PUT
THE KETTLE ON.
192
00:08:18,754 --> 00:08:19,820
GOOD AFTERNOON, VICAR.
193
00:08:19,822 --> 00:08:22,023
HELLO, DAVID.
LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
COME IN.
194
00:08:22,025 --> 00:08:23,457
AND HUGO--
195
00:08:23,459 --> 00:08:27,361
LOOKING VIRTUALLY EDIBLE
IN THAT RADICAL NEW JACKET.
196
00:08:27,363 --> 00:08:30,430
I DIDN'T KNOW FLIRTING
WAS ON THE SYLLABUS
AT THEOLOGICAL COLLEGES.
197
00:08:30,432 --> 00:08:31,864
OH, YEAH.
IT'S THE WHOLE
SECOND YEAR.
198
00:08:31,866 --> 00:08:35,301
I NEED TO PUT YOUR
STAR GUEST
199
00:08:35,303 --> 00:08:37,370
IN THE VILLAGE NEWSLETTER.
200
00:08:37,372 --> 00:08:38,770
NOT HAVING DIFFICULTIES,
I HOPE.
201
00:08:38,772 --> 00:08:40,606
WELL, YES, ACTUALLY.
202
00:08:40,608 --> 00:08:43,808
LOOK, I HAD
THREE OF THE NOLANS
IN THE PALM OF MY HAND.
203
00:08:43,810 --> 00:08:46,711
OH, DEAR.
I AM MORTIFIED.
204
00:08:46,713 --> 00:08:48,679
I HAD SUCH HIGH HOPES.
205
00:08:48,681 --> 00:08:52,716
THE THOUGHT OF MICHAEL FISH--
MICHAEL FISH--
206
00:08:52,718 --> 00:08:55,185
THE FISHTER--
207
00:08:55,187 --> 00:08:57,454
IN OUR LITTLE VILLAGE.
208
00:08:57,456 --> 00:09:01,057
DID YOU KNOW THE VICAR
ONCE WENT OUT WITH
DANIEL DAY LEWIS?
209
00:09:01,059 --> 00:09:03,526
NO, I DIDN'T.
210
00:09:03,528 --> 00:09:07,463
YEAH. BUT APPARENTLY,
THEY SPLIT UP.
211
00:09:09,866 --> 00:09:12,534
NO WONDER HE LOOKS
SO SKINNY AND TENSE
212
00:09:12,536 --> 00:09:14,903
AND DECIDED TO BECOME
A MOHICAN.
213
00:09:16,540 --> 00:09:22,576
YEAH. IT MUST BE TERRIBLE
NOT TO BE WITH
THE WOMAN YOU LOVE.
214
00:09:22,578 --> 00:09:26,579
OH, YEAH. TERRIBLE,
THAT, ISN'T IT?
215
00:09:28,850 --> 00:09:31,317
I KNOW SOMEONE
WHO KNOWS
DEBBIE MAGEE'S GARDENER
216
00:09:31,319 --> 00:09:32,685
WOULD HE BE
BIG ENOUGH?
217
00:09:32,687 --> 00:09:34,120
COME ALONG, HUGO.
218
00:09:34,122 --> 00:09:35,487
SORRY, FATHER.
219
00:09:35,489 --> 00:09:37,523
BYE, VICAR.
BYE.
220
00:09:39,126 --> 00:09:41,493
TROUBLE IS, I DON'T
KNOW ANYONE FAMOUS.
221
00:09:41,495 --> 00:09:42,928
JOIN THE CLUB.
222
00:09:42,930 --> 00:09:45,129
THE ONLY SHOW BIZ PERSON
THAT I KNOW
223
00:09:45,131 --> 00:09:46,531
IS MY SECOND COUSIN,
224
00:09:46,533 --> 00:09:48,499
BUT I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM
SINCE I WAS FOUR.
225
00:09:48,501 --> 00:09:50,068
HIS NAME WAS
REG DWIGHT.
226
00:09:52,372 --> 00:09:54,637
HIS MUM, RIGHT,
GOT CROSS AT ME
227
00:09:54,639 --> 00:09:56,739
BECAUSE I
PULLED HIS HAIR
228
00:09:56,741 --> 00:09:58,908
TO STOP HIM
PLAYING THE PIANO
229
00:09:58,910 --> 00:10:00,610
AND A WHOLE HANDFUL
CAME OUT.
230
00:10:00,612 --> 00:10:02,844
REG DWIGHT.
231
00:10:02,846 --> 00:10:04,846
WE CALLED HIM "BALDY."
232
00:10:04,848 --> 00:10:09,251
UNFORTUNATELY, WE DIDN'T SEE
THAT SIDE OF THE FAMILY
AFTER THAT.
233
00:10:09,253 --> 00:10:11,520
REG DWIGHT.
234
00:10:11,522 --> 00:10:15,457
ALICE, I THINK IT'S TIME
YOU CONTACTED YOUR
LITTLE COUSIN.
235
00:10:15,459 --> 00:10:17,225
OH, ALL RIGHT.
236
00:10:17,227 --> 00:10:20,695
IT WOULD BE NICE TO SEE
OLD SPECKY FOUR-EYES AGAIN.
237
00:10:20,697 --> 00:10:22,196
NO. LOOK.
238
00:10:23,432 --> 00:10:26,967
YOU MEAN HE TURNED INTO
ELTON JOHN?!
239
00:10:26,969 --> 00:10:29,769
YES!!
240
00:10:41,081 --> 00:10:43,815
GOD'S PATH IS FOR
WALKING, ALICE.
241
00:10:43,817 --> 00:10:45,884
YES, MRS. CROPLEY.
242
00:10:47,988 --> 00:10:51,722
( playing classical music )
243
00:10:51,724 --> 00:10:54,258
HE'S WRITTEN BACK.
HE'S GONNA COME!
244
00:10:55,961 --> 00:10:58,695
( plays "Saturday Night's
All Right For Fighting" )
245
00:11:00,399 --> 00:11:02,899
SAD, ISN'T IT,
WHEN PEOPLE FAIL?
246
00:11:02,901 --> 00:11:05,034
THEY HAVE
THEIR LITTLE DREAMS,
247
00:11:05,036 --> 00:11:07,135
AND THEY JUST
DON'T QUITE MAKE IT.
248
00:11:07,137 --> 00:11:09,505
JEREMY BATES,
PETER SARSTEDT,
249
00:11:09,507 --> 00:11:11,807
GRAHAM TAYLOR,
OUR VICAR.
250
00:11:11,809 --> 00:11:13,275
YOU DON'T THINK
SHE'S FOUND ANYONE?
251
00:11:13,277 --> 00:11:16,444
HUGO, OUR VICAR
HAS AS MANY CONNECTIONS
WITH THE RICH AND FAMOUS
252
00:11:16,446 --> 00:11:18,880
AS I HAVE WITH
THE BLACK PANTHER
MOVEMENT.
253
00:11:18,882 --> 00:11:20,147
MARK MY WORDS.
254
00:11:20,149 --> 00:11:22,817
THEY'LL SOON BE BEGGING ME
TO OPEN THE FAYRE.
255
00:11:30,025 --> 00:11:31,491
ELTON JOHN?!
256
00:11:31,493 --> 00:11:34,760
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD,
ISN'T IT, FATHER?
ELTON JOHN!
257
00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:36,228
HELLO, HANDSOME.
258
00:11:36,230 --> 00:11:37,396
AND DAVID.
HOW ARE YOU?
259
00:11:37,398 --> 00:11:39,064
IN PERFECT HEALTH.
260
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:41,133
GREAT. WE'RE ALL
HUNKY DORY HERE.
261
00:11:41,135 --> 00:11:45,169
IT SEEMED TO ME
THAT SHE LIVED HER LIFE
262
00:11:45,171 --> 00:11:47,271
LIKE A CANDLE IN THE WIND.
263
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:53,844
NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT.
264
00:11:56,281 --> 00:11:57,748
JOLLY GOOD NAME.
265
00:11:57,750 --> 00:11:59,416
I'D LOVE TO
TAKE THE CREDIT,
266
00:11:59,418 --> 00:12:00,850
BUT OF COURSE,
IT'S ALL DOWN
TO LOVELY ALICE.
267
00:12:00,852 --> 00:12:02,552
THREE CHEERS FOR ALICE!
268
00:12:02,554 --> 00:12:04,921
WE WON'T LET THE SUN
GO DOWN ON HER.
269
00:12:07,492 --> 00:12:09,525
I'M RUNNING
MY OWN STALL, TOO.
270
00:12:09,527 --> 00:12:12,160
CREATURES FROM
THE PLANET ELTON.
271
00:12:12,162 --> 00:12:14,362
THAT LOOKS LIKE
AN INDIAN ELEPHANT.
272
00:12:14,364 --> 00:12:16,064
OH, DOES IT?
273
00:12:16,066 --> 00:12:18,467
WHAT ABOUT YOU, JIM?
GOT A STALL?
274
00:12:18,469 --> 00:12:21,301
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
275
00:12:21,303 --> 00:12:24,772
I'M DOING THE LOUD-SPEAKING
ANNOUNCEMENTS.
276
00:12:27,076 --> 00:12:29,809
I FORGET WHO DID IT
LAST TIME.
277
00:12:29,811 --> 00:12:31,544
AT LEAST THIS YEAR,
278
00:12:31,546 --> 00:12:34,914
WE'VE GOT A PROFESSIONAL JUDGE
DOING THE FLOWERS
279
00:12:34,916 --> 00:12:38,016
INSTEAD OF SOME
AWFUL AMATEUR.
280
00:12:38,018 --> 00:12:40,251
WHO WAS IT LAST TIME?
281
00:12:40,253 --> 00:12:43,121
RIGHT. I'LL LET YOU
GET ON WITH IT THEN.
282
00:12:43,123 --> 00:12:44,490
COME ON, HUGO.
283
00:12:44,492 --> 00:12:45,824
COMING, FATHER.
284
00:12:45,826 --> 00:12:46,891
GREAT GIRAFFE, TOO.
285
00:12:46,893 --> 00:12:49,326
BRILLIANT JUST
LEAVING OUT THE HEAD.
286
00:12:49,328 --> 00:12:51,829
AH! YOU KNOW, VICAR,
287
00:12:51,831 --> 00:12:54,398
I'VE HEARD ABOUT
THESE ROCK STAR TYPES.
288
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,867
I'M RATHER AFRAID
HE'LL BE EXPECTING SOMEONE
289
00:12:56,869 --> 00:12:58,468
TO SUPPLY SOME DRUGS.
290
00:12:58,470 --> 00:13:00,303
YES.
291
00:13:00,305 --> 00:13:02,973
PROBLEM IS, I'VE BEEN
ASKING DOWN THE PUB,
292
00:13:02,975 --> 00:13:05,708
AND NO ONE SEEMS
TO HAVE ANY HEROIN.
293
00:13:08,212 --> 00:13:10,846
DO YOU THINK
NIGHT NURSE
WILL DO?
294
00:13:12,116 --> 00:13:14,281
ABSOLUTELY.
WORKS EVERY TIME.
295
00:13:14,283 --> 00:13:15,617
GOOD THINKING, OWEN.
296
00:13:17,286 --> 00:13:19,420
♪ GOD, IT LOOKS LIKE DANIEL ♪
297
00:13:19,422 --> 00:13:21,288
THIS IS INTOLERABLE.
298
00:13:21,290 --> 00:13:23,056
ISN'T IT TIME
YOU ALL WENT TO BED?
299
00:13:23,058 --> 00:13:25,425
IT'S A LAST-MINUTE IDEA
I HAD.
300
00:13:25,427 --> 00:13:28,061
WE'RE HAVING
A FASHION PARADE
AT THE END OF THE FETE,
301
00:13:28,063 --> 00:13:31,197
AND PEOPLE HAVE TO COME
AS CHARACTERS FROM
ELTON JOHN'S SONGS.
302
00:13:31,199 --> 00:13:32,932
Vicar: LOOK AT MRS. C.
303
00:13:34,435 --> 00:13:37,102
MRS. CROPLEY,
AM I MISTAKEN
304
00:13:37,104 --> 00:13:39,238
OR DID MR. JOHN
WRITE A SONG ABOUT
DANNY LA RUE?
305
00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:41,740
NO. MARILYN MONROE.
306
00:13:41,742 --> 00:13:46,011
IT SEEMED TO HIM
SHE LIVED HER LIFE
307
00:13:46,013 --> 00:13:48,379
LIKE A CANDLE
IN THE WIND,
308
00:13:48,381 --> 00:13:51,549
NEVER KNOWING
WHO TO CLING TO
309
00:13:51,551 --> 00:13:53,784
WHEN THE RAIN
SET IN.
310
00:13:53,786 --> 00:13:56,654
I THINK YOU'LL FIND, DAVID,
THAT JIM IS OUR STAR TURN.
311
00:13:56,656 --> 00:13:59,488
COME IN, JIM TROTT.
312
00:14:03,662 --> 00:14:05,194
A SKINHEAD.
313
00:14:05,196 --> 00:14:09,932
♪ SATURDAY NIGHT'S
ALL RIGHT FOR FIGHTING ♪
314
00:14:09,934 --> 00:14:11,667
YES, WELL.
315
00:14:11,669 --> 00:14:14,069
MUCH AS I'D LIKE TO
DRESS UP LIKE SOMEONE
316
00:14:14,071 --> 00:14:16,204
WHO'S HAD THEIR BRAIN
SURGICALLY REMOVED, VICAR,
317
00:14:16,206 --> 00:14:18,505
I'M AFRAID YOU'LL FIND
THAT MYSELF AND HUGO
318
00:14:18,507 --> 00:14:20,274
WILL NOT HAVE THE TIME
TO JOIN IN
319
00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:22,577
THIS PARTICULAR PIECE
OF HIGH-CLASS ENTERTAINMENT.
320
00:14:22,579 --> 00:14:23,945
HUGO!
321
00:14:23,947 --> 00:14:25,780
SORRY I'M LATE.
322
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:27,413
GET IT?
323
00:14:27,415 --> 00:14:30,016
I'M DOROTHY.
WIZARD OF OZ.
324
00:14:30,018 --> 00:14:31,384
"GOOD-BYE,
YELLOW BRICK ROAD."
325
00:14:31,386 --> 00:14:34,153
I BORROWED ONE OF
ALICE'S DRESSES.
326
00:14:36,057 --> 00:14:37,322
SORRY, FATHER.
327
00:15:00,713 --> 00:15:02,012
Alice: HE SHOULD BE HERE
IN A MINUTE.
328
00:15:02,014 --> 00:15:03,980
I CAN'T WAIT!
329
00:15:03,982 --> 00:15:05,314
Vicar: EYES CLOSED.
330
00:15:05,316 --> 00:15:06,448
OH, OKAY.
331
00:15:06,450 --> 00:15:07,683
KEEP THEM CLOSED.
332
00:15:10,221 --> 00:15:12,420
I CAN'T SEE VERY WELL.
333
00:15:13,757 --> 00:15:15,724
RIGHT. OPEN.
334
00:15:17,127 --> 00:15:18,192
HE'S GOING TO LOVE THESE.
335
00:15:18,194 --> 00:15:19,393
HE WEARS THESE
ALL THE TIME.
336
00:15:19,395 --> 00:15:20,728
I KNOW, I KNOW.
337
00:15:20,730 --> 00:15:22,062
THEY'RE PERFECT, AREN'T THEY?
338
00:15:22,064 --> 00:15:23,897
( knock on door )
HE'S HERE!
339
00:15:31,539 --> 00:15:33,372
WELL, OBVIOUSLY NOT!
340
00:15:34,743 --> 00:15:35,775
LOO.
341
00:15:42,282 --> 00:15:44,182
HI, ELTON.
ELTON, HI.
342
00:15:45,485 --> 00:15:46,752
HELLO.
343
00:15:46,754 --> 00:15:47,918
HELLO.
344
00:15:49,455 --> 00:15:51,689
I BELIEVE YOU'RE
EXPECTING ME--
REG DWIGHT.
345
00:15:51,691 --> 00:15:53,557
( hysterical laughter )
346
00:15:55,427 --> 00:15:58,427
Jim: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO PARKING
347
00:15:58,429 --> 00:16:01,531
IS ALLOWED ON THE UPPER FIELD.
348
00:16:01,533 --> 00:16:05,001
NO, NO, NO, NO, REFRESHMENTS WILL BE AVAILABLE
349
00:16:05,003 --> 00:16:07,202
IN THE REFRESHMENT TENT.
350
00:16:07,204 --> 00:16:08,704
( "Daniel" plays
in background )
351
00:16:08,706 --> 00:16:10,505
WELL, TREMENDOUS
TO SEE YOU...
352
00:16:10,507 --> 00:16:11,740
REG DWIGHT.
353
00:16:11,742 --> 00:16:14,009
THIS IS GONNA BE A DAY
I'LL NEVER FORGET.
354
00:16:14,011 --> 00:16:17,078
YES, I THINK IT'S GONNA
STICK IN MY MEMORY, TOO.
355
00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:19,246
SEEIN' LITTLE ALICE
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.
356
00:16:19,248 --> 00:16:22,050
YES, SHE SHOULD COME ROUND
IN A MINUTE.
357
00:16:22,052 --> 00:16:24,617
IT'S PROBABLY JUST
358
00:16:24,619 --> 00:16:28,755
THE THRILL OF SEEING
YOU AGAIN, REG DWIGHT.
359
00:16:28,757 --> 00:16:30,456
I BETTER JUST
HELP HER UP.
360
00:16:30,458 --> 00:16:32,893
COME ON, CLEVER,
TALENTED LITTLE ALICE
361
00:16:32,895 --> 00:16:34,760
FROM SUCH
A TIGHT-KNIT FAMILY.
362
00:16:34,762 --> 00:16:37,229
HEAD BETWEEN
YOUR LEGS, DEAR.
363
00:16:37,231 --> 00:16:39,765
IT'S QUITE AN HONOUR TO BE ASKED
TO OPEN A VILLAGE FAYRE.
364
00:16:39,767 --> 00:16:42,867
I'VE NEVER BEEN ASKED TO OPEN
MORE THAN A WINDOW BEFORE NOW.
365
00:16:42,869 --> 00:16:45,536
YOU--NEVER ASKED
TO OPEN A FAYRE?
366
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:46,871
UNBELIEVABLE!
367
00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:48,973
IT'S A MAD WORLD,
ISN'T IT?
IT'S JUST NUTS.
368
00:16:48,975 --> 00:16:51,109
EXCEPT THE ONCE,
AND IT TURNED OUT
369
00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,710
THEY DIDN'T REALLY
WANT ME AT ALL.
370
00:16:52,712 --> 00:16:54,544
THEY WANTED ELTON JOHN,
YOU SEE,
371
00:16:54,546 --> 00:16:57,314
'CAUSE HIS NAME
USED TO BE REG DWIGHT.
372
00:16:57,316 --> 00:16:59,883
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT!
373
00:16:59,885 --> 00:17:02,551
STILL, SEE YOU LIKE
OLD ELTON.
374
00:17:02,553 --> 00:17:04,721
YES, YES. OH, THAT?
375
00:17:04,723 --> 00:17:07,924
THAT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE
THAT THAT'S PLAYING.
376
00:17:07,926 --> 00:17:10,225
THIS? COMPLETELY BORED
WITH THAT NOW.
377
00:17:10,227 --> 00:17:13,128
DO SIT DOWN,
REG DWIGHT.
378
00:17:13,130 --> 00:17:14,696
( quietly )
REG DWIGHT?!
379
00:17:17,367 --> 00:17:19,399
OH, THAT. THAT'S JUST
BEN ELTON.
380
00:17:22,105 --> 00:17:24,638
I'VE BROUGHT ONE OF MY TAPES,
IF YOU'RE INTERESTED.
381
00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:26,841
THAT'S THE LIVE ALBUM.
382
00:17:26,843 --> 00:17:28,341
THE BLUES IS WHAT I SING.
383
00:17:28,343 --> 00:17:30,576
YES, WELL,
THAT SHOULD CAPTURE
384
00:17:30,578 --> 00:17:32,912
THE MOOD OF THE
ENTIRE AUDIENCE
PERFECTLY.
385
00:17:32,914 --> 00:17:34,647
( knock on door )
386
00:17:34,649 --> 00:17:36,616
EXCUSE ME JUST
A MINI-MOMENT.
387
00:17:37,651 --> 00:17:39,218
HELLO, ALICE.
388
00:17:41,655 --> 00:17:43,155
HAS HE ARRIVED YET?
389
00:17:43,157 --> 00:17:44,723
YES AND NO.
390
00:17:44,725 --> 00:17:46,891
IS HE THE SAME
AS ON TELEVISION?
391
00:17:46,893 --> 00:17:48,292
NOT EXACTLY, NO.
392
00:17:55,734 --> 00:17:56,933
OH.
393
00:17:56,935 --> 00:17:58,001
HELLO THERE.
394
00:17:58,003 --> 00:18:01,238
HE LOOKS A COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT PERSON
395
00:18:01,240 --> 00:18:03,273
WITHOUT HIS WIG.
396
00:18:03,275 --> 00:18:06,575
THAT IS BECAUSE
HE IS A COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT PERSON.
397
00:18:07,812 --> 00:18:09,211
HELLO, MATE.
HELLO.
398
00:18:11,282 --> 00:18:13,148
WHERE'S ELTON JOHN?
399
00:18:13,150 --> 00:18:14,749
( hysterical laughter )
400
00:18:16,286 --> 00:18:18,753
YOU! HE'S JUST...
401
00:18:20,423 --> 00:18:22,656
YOU WERE EXPECTING
ELTON JOHN, WEREN'T YOU?
402
00:18:22,658 --> 00:18:25,558
NO. NO. NO!
403
00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:27,227
NO.
404
00:18:27,229 --> 00:18:30,697
OR, IF I'M HONEST, YES.
405
00:18:34,402 --> 00:18:35,902
IF I WERE YOU,
406
00:18:35,904 --> 00:18:38,771
I'D ASK THAT MR. DWIGHT
TO OPEN IT, VICAR.
407
00:18:38,773 --> 00:18:40,672
IF HE CAN FOOL
ME AND FRANK,
408
00:18:40,674 --> 00:18:42,073
HE CAN FOOL ANYONE.
409
00:18:42,075 --> 00:18:45,543
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE NOT
TYPICAL ROCK FANS.
410
00:18:45,545 --> 00:18:47,879
I'VE GOT
A GILBERT O'SULLIVAN
RECORD--
411
00:18:47,881 --> 00:18:51,515
THE ONE WHERE HE
FANCIES HIS LITTLE NIECE.
412
00:18:51,517 --> 00:18:53,150
NO, NO, NO, NO.
413
00:18:53,152 --> 00:18:56,253
I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO
GO OUT THERE AND
BE HONEST WITH THEM.
414
00:18:56,255 --> 00:18:57,721
IT'S THE ONLY WAY.
YEAH, YEAH.
415
00:18:57,723 --> 00:18:58,955
HOW DOES THIS SOUND?
416
00:18:58,957 --> 00:19:00,589
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN--
417
00:19:00,591 --> 00:19:03,193
"UNFORTUNATELY, I JUST
RECEIVED A PHONE CALL
FROM ELTON JOHN,
418
00:19:03,195 --> 00:19:04,994
"AND HE'S VERY, VERY SICK.
419
00:19:04,996 --> 00:19:07,463
IN FACT, HE'S DEAD".
420
00:19:07,465 --> 00:19:09,031
YES.
421
00:19:09,033 --> 00:19:11,366
Jim: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO PARKING
422
00:19:11,368 --> 00:19:13,268
IS ALLOWED ON THE UPPER FIELD.
423
00:19:15,005 --> 00:19:16,670
THANK YOU.
424
00:19:16,672 --> 00:19:19,907
SORRY. IS THAT
NO PARKING IS ALLOWED
IN THE UPPER FIELD
425
00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:22,310
OR PARKING IS ALLOWED
IN THE UPPER FIELD?
426
00:19:26,481 --> 00:19:32,085
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO PARKING IS ALLOWED
ON THE UPPER FIELD.
427
00:19:33,355 --> 00:19:34,754
OKAY?
428
00:19:41,729 --> 00:19:43,195
DAVID, HELLO.
429
00:19:43,197 --> 00:19:44,929
I'VE JUST BEEN TOLD
THE NEWS.
430
00:19:44,931 --> 00:19:47,899
WHAT A TOTAL AND UTTER,
UNMITIGATED COCK-UP.
431
00:19:47,901 --> 00:19:50,568
I THOUGHT THE FAYRE
IN '87 WAS
EMBARRASSING ENOUGH
432
00:19:50,570 --> 00:19:53,470
WHEN THOSE BLOODY KIDS
PUT CANNABIS IN
THE CUPCAKES,
433
00:19:53,472 --> 00:19:57,007
BUT THIS REALLY IS
THE QUEEN OF BALLS-UPS.
434
00:19:57,009 --> 00:19:59,176
HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE
WAITING TO SEE
ELTON JOHN,
435
00:19:59,178 --> 00:20:02,078
AND YOU INVITE
RAMBLING SID RUMPO.
436
00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:04,347
DAVID, THIS IS
REG DWIGHT.
437
00:20:04,349 --> 00:20:06,615
I BET IT IS.
I HOPE YOU'RE SATISFIED.
438
00:20:06,617 --> 00:20:08,918
I RATHER LIKED
THE FAYRE IN '87.
439
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,953
SUCH LARKS.
440
00:20:11,955 --> 00:20:14,522
DAVID, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO JUST
COME HERE A MOMENT?
441
00:20:16,126 --> 00:20:17,859
YOU SEE, THE THING IS,
442
00:20:17,861 --> 00:20:20,794
SOMEBODY'S GOTTA GO
OUT THERE AND
TELL THE CROWD
443
00:20:20,796 --> 00:20:22,596
ABOUT THE CHANGE IN
THE LINE-UP.
444
00:20:22,598 --> 00:20:25,165
OBVIOUSLY, I WOULD
LOVE TO DO IT,
445
00:20:25,167 --> 00:20:30,436
AND UNFORTUNATELY,
WOMEN'S PROBLEMS OF
THE MOST DRAMATIC NATURE.
446
00:20:30,438 --> 00:20:32,705
TO BE HONEST,
I CAN'T EVEN WALK,
447
00:20:32,707 --> 00:20:34,240
NEVER MIND
LEAVE THE HOUSE.
448
00:20:34,242 --> 00:20:37,110
I WAS WONDERING
WHETHER YOU WOULD
DO THE HONOURS INSTEAD.
449
00:20:37,112 --> 00:20:38,810
NO.
450
00:20:38,812 --> 00:20:41,346
FAIR ENOUGH. IT
WAS WORTH A TRY.
451
00:20:42,749 --> 00:20:44,249
( knock on door )
452
00:20:46,153 --> 00:20:47,785
IS ELTON JOHN
IN YOUR HOUSE?
453
00:20:47,787 --> 00:20:49,754
UH, ASK THE VICAR.
454
00:20:54,126 --> 00:20:55,493
WHEN'S HE COMING OUT?
455
00:20:55,495 --> 00:20:57,827
HE CAME OUT YEARS AGO.
456
00:20:57,829 --> 00:21:00,463
AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU.
457
00:21:00,465 --> 00:21:01,665
I COULD'VE BEEN
A PRIMA BALLERINA.
458
00:21:01,667 --> 00:21:03,866
Woman: HELLO, VICAR?
459
00:21:03,868 --> 00:21:05,302
YES?
460
00:21:07,338 --> 00:21:10,606
I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT.
HAS ELTON ARRIVED?
461
00:21:10,608 --> 00:21:11,807
ELTON?
462
00:21:11,809 --> 00:21:14,576
YEAH. I HEARD HE WAS
OPENING THE FAYRE.
463
00:21:14,578 --> 00:21:16,977
I THOUGHT I'D DROP BY
AND SURPRISE HIM.
464
00:21:16,979 --> 00:21:18,913
OH, GOD. OH, GOD!
465
00:21:18,915 --> 00:21:20,247
THANK YOU, MATE.
466
00:21:20,249 --> 00:21:22,383
KYLIE, I'M GONNA
COME CLEAN WITH YOU,
467
00:21:22,385 --> 00:21:24,150
YOU TOTALLY FABULOUS WOMAN.
468
00:21:24,152 --> 00:21:28,054
THERE'S BEEN A BIT OF
A HICCUP ON THE ELTON FRONT.
469
00:21:28,056 --> 00:21:29,856
NOT SO MUCH A HICCUP.
470
00:21:29,858 --> 00:21:31,491
MORE LIKE A HUGE,
GREAT BIG BELCH
471
00:21:31,493 --> 00:21:33,326
WITH AN ACCIDENTAL
BIT OF SICK IN IT.
472
00:21:33,328 --> 00:21:35,328
YOU WOULDN'T DO ME
THE TEENIEST FAVOUR,
WOULD YOU?
473
00:21:35,330 --> 00:21:37,262
LIKE WHAT?
474
00:21:37,264 --> 00:21:40,566
MAY I JUST SAY ONE THING
BEFORE I REPLY TO THAT?
475
00:21:40,568 --> 00:21:42,600
IF YOU DO THIS,
476
00:21:42,602 --> 00:21:44,736
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO
ON EARTH--
477
00:21:44,738 --> 00:21:47,271
SEX, DRUGS,
RITUAL SATANISM--
478
00:21:47,273 --> 00:21:51,274
I CAN GUARANTEE YOU
THE BEST SEAT IN HEAVEN.
479
00:21:51,276 --> 00:21:53,410
YOU AND GOD LIKE THAT,
NEXT TO EACH OTHER.
480
00:21:53,412 --> 00:21:54,878
JESUS--ROW "C."
481
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,313
ELVIS--SERVING THE DRINKS.
482
00:21:56,315 --> 00:21:58,014
GANDHI--SOD HIM.
483
00:21:58,016 --> 00:21:59,550
HMM? HMM?
484
00:21:59,552 --> 00:22:02,652
WELL, MY MOTHER
DID ALWAYS TELL ME
485
00:22:02,654 --> 00:22:04,286
NEVER SAY NO
TO A PRIEST.
486
00:22:04,288 --> 00:22:06,121
I LOVE YOUR MOTHER.
487
00:22:08,926 --> 00:22:12,327
KYLES, EVER THOUGHT OF
GOING INTO THE
PRIESTHOOD YOURSELF?
488
00:22:12,329 --> 00:22:13,995
NO, CAN'T SAY
I HAVE.
489
00:22:13,997 --> 00:22:15,797
YOU'D BE SO GOOD AT IT.
490
00:22:15,799 --> 00:22:18,199
FROM GODDESS
TO PRIESTESS
IN ONE SIMPLE MOVE.
491
00:22:18,201 --> 00:22:20,267
YOU MIGHT HAVE TO
THINK ABOUT CHANGING
YOUR WARDROBE.
492
00:22:20,269 --> 00:22:22,636
CHURCH OF ENGLAND
HASN'T COME TO TERMS
WITH HOT PANTS YET.
493
00:22:22,638 --> 00:22:25,005
I KNOW. I'VE TRIED.
494
00:22:25,007 --> 00:22:27,241
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THERE HAS BEEN
495
00:22:27,243 --> 00:22:30,076
A SLIGHT CHANGE TO
THE PUBLISHED SCHEDULE
496
00:22:30,078 --> 00:22:31,544
FOR TODAY.
497
00:22:31,546 --> 00:22:34,614
SLIGHT--AS IN
HITLER WAS
SLIGHTLY NASTY.
498
00:22:34,616 --> 00:22:38,650
I'M AFRAID ELTON JOHN
WON'T BE ABLE TO JOIN US.
499
00:22:38,652 --> 00:22:41,420
ISN'T LIFE A WONDERFUL THING
SOMETIMES?
500
00:22:41,422 --> 00:22:45,123
BUT WE ARE DELIGHTED TO WELCOME
IN HIS STEAD
501
00:22:45,125 --> 00:22:48,292
ONE OF OXFORDSHIRE'S
MOST POPULAR ENTERTAINERS--
502
00:22:48,294 --> 00:22:51,195
YES! IT'S REG DWIGHT.
503
00:22:51,197 --> 00:22:52,864
WHAT A COUP.
504
00:22:59,304 --> 00:23:01,605
AND JUST FOR YOU
HERE TODAY,
505
00:23:01,607 --> 00:23:02,773
WE ARE SO LUCKY.
506
00:23:02,775 --> 00:23:05,908
LUCKY, LUCKY, LUCKY
TO HAVE WITH US
507
00:23:05,910 --> 00:23:07,410
THE GENUINELY PERFECT--
508
00:23:07,412 --> 00:23:10,613
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE BIBLE
SAYS ABOUT GIRLS KISSING GIRLS--
509
00:23:10,615 --> 00:23:11,980
I'D SNOG HER ANY DAY--
510
00:23:11,982 --> 00:23:15,617
THE ONE, THE ONLY,
KYLIE MINOGUE.
511
00:23:15,619 --> 00:23:17,051
YEAH!
512
00:23:21,024 --> 00:23:23,256
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
513
00:23:23,258 --> 00:23:25,058
I CANNOT BELIEVE IT.
514
00:23:25,060 --> 00:23:29,262
WHO, INCIDENTALLY,
IS THINKING OF TAKING
HOLY ORDERS NEXT AUTUMN,
515
00:23:29,264 --> 00:23:30,798
SO ENJOY HER
WHILE YOU CAN.
516
00:23:32,767 --> 00:23:34,333
ISN'T IT FABULOUS, FATHER?
517
00:23:34,335 --> 00:23:35,835
YES, ISN'T IT?
518
00:23:35,837 --> 00:23:39,071
SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN
ONE OF MY FAVOURITE
CONTEMPORARY ENTERTAINERS.
519
00:23:39,073 --> 00:23:43,174
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE
520
00:23:43,176 --> 00:23:46,611
TO DECLARE THE DIBLEY FAYRE
OFFICIALLY OPEN.
521
00:23:48,815 --> 00:23:52,116
♪ I REMEMBER WHEN
ROCK WAS YOUNG ♪
522
00:23:52,118 --> 00:23:54,618
♪ ME AND SUSIE
HAD SO MUCH FUN ♪
523
00:23:54,620 --> 00:23:58,788
♪ HOLDIN' HANDS
AND SKIMMIN' STONES ♪
524
00:23:58,790 --> 00:24:01,457
♪ HAD AN OLD GOLD CHEVY
AND A PLACE OF MY OWN ♪
525
00:24:01,459 --> 00:24:04,761
♪ BUT THE BIGGEST KICK
I EVER GOT ♪
526
00:24:04,763 --> 00:24:07,963
♪ WAS DOIN' A THING CALLED
THE CROCODILE ROCK ♪
527
00:24:07,965 --> 00:24:11,332
♪ WHILE THE OTHER KIDS
WERE ROCKIN' ROUND THE CLOCK ♪
528
00:24:11,334 --> 00:24:15,037
♪ WE WERE HOPPIN' AND BOPPIN'
TO THE CROCODILE ROCK ♪
529
00:24:15,039 --> 00:24:18,072
( electronic feedback )
530
00:24:18,074 --> 00:24:19,373
AND NOW, PLEASE,
531
00:24:19,375 --> 00:24:22,076
THE AWARD FOR THE MOST
MISSHAPEN VEGETABLE.
532
00:24:22,078 --> 00:24:24,879
WE HAVE OWEN NEWITT'S
POTATO,
533
00:24:24,881 --> 00:24:27,280
JIM TROTT'S PARSNIP,
534
00:24:27,282 --> 00:24:29,348
AND HUGO HORTON'S CARROT
535
00:24:29,350 --> 00:24:31,151
IN THE SHAPE OF
DAVID MILLER.
536
00:24:33,155 --> 00:24:36,488
AND THE WINNER IS
HUGO HORTON.
537
00:24:41,228 --> 00:24:42,327
KISS HIM.
538
00:24:42,329 --> 00:24:44,762
DON'T ASK ANY QUESTIONS.
JUST KISS HIM, PLEASE.
539
00:24:45,799 --> 00:24:47,065
CONGRATULATIONS.
540
00:24:58,744 --> 00:25:00,077
( playing "Crocodile Rock" )
541
00:25:00,079 --> 00:25:05,347
♪ LA, LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
542
00:25:05,349 --> 00:25:09,051
♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
543
00:25:09,053 --> 00:25:12,620
♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
544
00:25:12,622 --> 00:25:16,224
♪ BUT THE YEARS WENT BY
AND ROCK JUST DIED ♪
545
00:25:16,226 --> 00:25:19,527
♪ SUSIE WENT AND LEFT US
FOR SOME FOREIGN GUY ♪
546
00:25:19,529 --> 00:25:22,596
♪ LONG NIGHTS CRYIN'
BY THE RECORD MACHINE ♪
547
00:25:22,598 --> 00:25:25,833
♪ DREAMIN' OF MY CHEVY
AND MY OLD BLUE JEANS ♪
548
00:25:25,835 --> 00:25:28,202
♪ BUT THEY NEVER KILLED
THE THRILLS WE GOT... ♪
549
00:25:28,204 --> 00:25:30,236
OH, THAT'S LOVELY.
550
00:25:30,238 --> 00:25:32,004
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE
ANY LIPPY
551
00:25:32,006 --> 00:25:34,140
FOR A VICAR WITH
ATTITUDE, WOULD YOU?
552
00:25:34,142 --> 00:25:35,674
MM-HMM.
553
00:25:35,676 --> 00:25:37,409
OH, GREAT.
554
00:25:37,411 --> 00:25:39,444
NOW GIVE ME
THE DIRT ON PRINCE.
555
00:25:39,446 --> 00:25:41,012
OH, I CAN'T.
556
00:25:41,014 --> 00:25:43,915
I SAID, GIVE ME
THE DIRT ON PRINCE!
557
00:25:43,917 --> 00:25:46,384
WELL...
558
00:25:47,519 --> 00:25:52,857
♪ LA, LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
559
00:25:52,859 --> 00:25:56,325
♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
560
00:25:56,327 --> 00:25:59,229
♪ LA-LA-LA-LA-LA ♪
561
00:26:01,099 --> 00:26:04,067
THANK YOU
VERY MUCH INDEED.
562
00:26:04,069 --> 00:26:05,868
AND WE'RE PLEASED
TO ANNOUNCE
563
00:26:05,870 --> 00:26:07,502
THE AMOUNT
WE'VE RAISED TODAY IS...
564
00:26:07,504 --> 00:26:09,337
THIS IS WITHOUT THE BID
565
00:26:09,339 --> 00:26:11,539
FOR MRS. CROPLEY'S
ORANGE CAKE
566
00:26:11,541 --> 00:26:13,308
WITH THE DELICIOUS
BRANSTON PICKLE ICING.
567
00:26:14,677 --> 00:26:19,247
£3,456!
568
00:26:25,187 --> 00:26:26,619
WELL DONE, DIBLEY!
569
00:26:31,426 --> 00:26:34,059
DID YOU SEE
THE WAY SHE
KISSED HUGO?
570
00:26:34,061 --> 00:26:36,929
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
I DON'T CALL THAT A KISS.
571
00:26:36,931 --> 00:26:38,130
WHAT DO YOU CALL IT?
572
00:26:38,132 --> 00:26:41,133
NO, NO, NO, I CALL THAT
A SNOG.
573
00:26:41,135 --> 00:26:42,867
COME ON.
574
00:26:42,869 --> 00:26:44,435
NO, I THINK
HE'S RIGHT.
575
00:26:44,437 --> 00:26:45,670
I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED
576
00:26:45,672 --> 00:26:48,239
IF THERE WERE
WEDDING BELLS
BEFORE TOO LONG.
577
00:26:48,241 --> 00:26:49,941
Hugo: DON'T BE SILLY.
578
00:26:49,943 --> 00:26:52,609
NO, SHE'LL NEVER
COME BACK TO THE VILLAGE.
579
00:26:52,611 --> 00:26:55,545
LIGHTNING DOESN'T
STRIKE TWICE IN
THE SAME PLACE.
580
00:26:55,547 --> 00:26:57,948
NO, NO, NO, IT DOES.
DOES IT?
581
00:26:57,950 --> 00:27:00,649
YES. MY FATHER WAS STRUCK
TWICE BY LIGHTNING.
582
00:27:00,651 --> 00:27:02,418
HOW DID HE FEEL AFTERWARDS?
583
00:27:02,420 --> 00:27:05,654
HEAVY. WE BURIED HIM
THE NEXT DAY.
584
00:27:07,758 --> 00:27:15,797
♪ SURELY GOODNESS AND MERCY
SHALL FOLLOW ME ♪
585
00:27:15,799 --> 00:27:19,133
♪ ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE ♪
586
00:27:19,135 --> 00:27:28,174
♪ AND I WILL DWELL IN
THE HOUSE OF THE LORD ♪
587
00:27:28,176 --> 00:27:31,811
♪ FOREVER ♪
588
00:27:34,049 --> 00:27:36,748
♪ FOREVER ♪
589
00:27:38,285 --> 00:27:41,854
SO, THREE NUNS
GET KILLED
IN A CAR CRASH.
590
00:27:41,856 --> 00:27:43,155
OH, DEAR.
591
00:27:43,157 --> 00:27:45,224
AND THEY GO
UP TO HEAVEN.
OF COURSE.
592
00:27:45,226 --> 00:27:47,191
AND PETER'S
AT THE GATE,
AND HE SAYS,
593
00:27:47,193 --> 00:27:48,993
"I'M AFRAID YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE TO
ANSWER A QUESTION
594
00:27:48,995 --> 00:27:50,094
BEFORE YOU CAN
COME IN."
595
00:27:50,096 --> 00:27:51,896
SO HE SAYS
TO THE FIRST ONE,
596
00:27:51,898 --> 00:27:53,898
"DON'T WORRY.
THE QUESTIONS
ARE VERY EASY.
597
00:27:53,900 --> 00:27:56,566
WHAT WAS THE NAME
OF THE FIRST WOMAN?"
598
00:27:56,568 --> 00:27:59,435
SHE SAYS, "EVE,"
AND HE SAYS, "YEP,
YOU'RE IN."
599
00:27:59,437 --> 00:28:01,238
HE SAYS TO
THE SECOND ONE,
600
00:28:01,240 --> 00:28:02,739
"WHERE DID EVE LIVE?"
601
00:28:02,741 --> 00:28:03,906
YEAH, YEAH.
602
00:28:03,908 --> 00:28:06,575
AND SHE SAYS,
"GARDEN OF EDEN."
603
00:28:06,577 --> 00:28:08,244
AND HE SAYS,
"YEP, YOU'RE IN."
604
00:28:08,246 --> 00:28:10,746
AND HE SAYS TO
THE THIRD ONE,
605
00:28:10,748 --> 00:28:12,447
WHICH WAS
THE MOTHER SUPERIOR,
606
00:28:12,449 --> 00:28:14,849
"I'M AFRAID THE QUESTION'S
GONNA HAVE TO BE
MORE TRICKY FOR YOU."
607
00:28:14,851 --> 00:28:16,251
FAIR ENOUGH, 'CAUSE...
608
00:28:16,253 --> 00:28:18,786
OBVIOUSLY. AND HE
SAYS TO HER,
609
00:28:18,788 --> 00:28:22,890
"WHAT DID EVE SAY
WHEN SHE FIRST SAW ADAM?"
610
00:28:22,892 --> 00:28:24,491
AND THE MOTHER SUPERIOR SAYS,
611
00:28:24,493 --> 00:28:26,093
"OH, THAT'S A HARD ONE."
612
00:28:26,095 --> 00:28:27,928
HE SAYS, "YEP, YOU'RE IN."
613
00:28:31,032 --> 00:28:33,366
SHE HADN'T
ANSWERED THE QUESTION.
614
00:28:33,368 --> 00:28:35,968
PARDON?
SHE HADN'T
ANSWERED THE QUESTION.
615
00:28:35,970 --> 00:28:38,304
HOW DO YOU MEAN?
SHE DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT IT WAS.
616
00:28:38,306 --> 00:28:40,605
IT JUST DOESN'T WORK
AS A JOKE.
617
00:28:40,607 --> 00:28:42,740
YES, JUST THAT END BIT,
WE COULD JIG.
618
00:28:42,742 --> 00:28:44,442
I'M GONNA SEND IT
BACK ANYWAY.
619
00:28:44,444 --> 00:28:46,244
STUPID, THAT ONE.
620
00:28:46,246 --> 00:28:49,246
♪ FOREVER ♪
41650
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