All language subtitles for The Vicar of Dibley (1994) - S01E02 - Songs of Praise (576p DVD x265 Ghost).srt - eng(2)

♪ THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD ♪

♪ I SHALL NOT WANT ♪

♪ HE MAKETH ME ♪

♪ TO LIE DOWN
IN GREEN PASTURES ♪

♪ HE LEADETH ME ♪

♪ BESIDE THE STILL WATERS ♪

♪ STILL WATERS ♪

AS LONG AS YOU WEAR

PLASTIC GLOVES
UP TO YOUR SHOULDER

SO YOU CAN PUSH YOUR ARM
RIGHT UP HER.

I THINK THAT IS THAT
FOR TODAY,

EXCEPT, OF COURSE,
FOR ANY OTHER BUSINESS.

ANY OTHER BUSINESS?

HUGO?

YEAH?

ANY OTHER BUSINESS?

OH, RIGHT!
YES.

I WOULD LIKE TO RECORD
THE COUNCIL'S GRATITUDE

FOR THE COMPLETELY
ANONYMOUS GIFT

OF THIS WONDERFUL
NEW BIBLE.

THAT'S PRETTY.
OOH.

I THINK YOU MIGHT ADD
"EXTRAORDINARILY GENEROUS."

HM, AND DELETE
"COMPLETELY ANONYMOUS."

I'M SURE EVERYONE WILL AGREE

THAT THE KING JAMES TEXT
HAS INFINITELY MORE DIGNITY

THAN TODAY'S TRENDY RUBBISH.

THE GLORIOUS NOBILITY

OF "IN THE BEGINNING
WAS THE WORD."

OH, LOVELY.

ACTUALLY, "THE WORD"
IS QUITE TRENDY.

IF YOU WATCH--
IT IS. YES.

AND WHILE ON THE SUBJECT,
AM I ALONE ON SUNDAYS

IN PREFERRING NOT TO BE ASKED
TO SHAKE HANDS

WITH THE MALODOROUS CREATURE
SITTING IN THE NEXT PEW?

NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO.

I QUITE LIKE
THAT BIT.

LET ALONE KISS THEM?

NO, I LOVE THAT BIT.

LOOK,
COULD WE MOVE ON?

SOME OF US HAVE GOT ARMS
THAT ARE URGENTLY NEEDED

UP A CERTAIN SHEEP'S
BACKSIDE.

YOU FLIRT.

ANY OTHER BUSINESS?

YES, ACTUALLY, THERE IS
ONE LITTLE THING.

FAREWELL, NEWSNIGHT.

WELL, I'VE HAD A LETTER
FROM BBC RELIGIOUS PROGRAMS,

A CHAP
CALLED TRISTAN CAMPBELL.

HE SAYS HE WANTS TO FILM
SONGS OF PRAISE

HERE AT ST. BARNABUS.

HEAVEN PRESERVE US.

OH, NOT A SONGS OF PRAISE
FAN, DAVID?

I AM NOT. THE BBC
DOESN'T CARE ABOUT RELIGION.

THEY ONLY COVER IT BECAUSE
THEY PROMISED DOUGLAS HURD

THEY'D LOOK AFTER THORA
IN HER DOTAGE.

CHANCES ARE
THEY'LL HAVE MELLOR

SIMULTANEOUSLY SHAGGING
THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS

OUT OF LADY CHATTERLEY
ON BBC2

TO KEEP UP
THEIR AUDIENCE SHARE.

I RATHER ENJOY
LADY CHATTERLEY.

SOME VERY USEFUL TIPS.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

GARDENING TIPS.

MELLOR WAS A GAMEKEEPER.
VERY GOOD AT HEDGE CONTROL.

I SEE.

I THOUGHT THE SEX
WAS JOLLY-GOOD FUN AS WELL.

( all talk at once )

DO YOU WANT THAT
IN THE MINUTES?

THAT'S A NOT.

WE DON'T WANT
THE VICE SQUAD

RAIDING US, DO WE?

( laughs loudly )

AS I WAS SAYING,

BEFORE I WAS
SO RUDELY INTERRUPTED

BY TWO TRAGIC VICTIMS
OF EXPERIMENTATION

WITH HORMONE REPLACEMENT,

I'D LIKE TO KNOW
WHAT POSSIBLE INTEREST

OUR VILLAGE CHURCH IS
TO SONGS OF PRAISE.

WELL, IT'S A LITTLE BIT
EMBARRASSING, REALLY.

IT SAYS HERE IT'S
TO DO WITH THE FACT

THAT THE PRESENT INCUMBENT
IS A WOMAN.

MIGHT'VE KNOWN.
WE HAVE A SEX INTEREST.

LET'S JUST FLIP OVER
TO BBC1.

APPARENTLY, THE VICAR'S GOT
A NICE PAIR OF KNOCKERS.

I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU'D SEEN MY BREASTS, DAVID.

HE'S CERTAINLY SEEN MINE.

EVERYBODY'S SEEN YOURS.

I DO SHARE SOME
OF YOUR MISGIVINGS, DAVID.

I MEAN, PERSONALLY,
I'D RATHER LEAVE TELEVISION

TO FELICITY KENDAL

AND THE OTHER MEMBERS OF
THE IMPOSSIBLY-TINY BOTTOM CLUB.

BRAVO.

WE ARE, FOR ONCE,
ALL AGREED.

SONGS OF PRAISE IS CHEAPENING
AND SHALLOW AND RIDICULOUS.

ISN'T IT?

AH, YES.
VERY CHEAPENING.

UTTERLY SHALLOW.

TOTALLY RIDICULOUS.

EXCELLENT. LET'S HAVE A VOTE
ON THIS, SHALL WE?

ANYBODY IN FAVOUR
OF LETTING THE MORON

FROM TV LAND
INTO OUR CHURCH?

I MEAN, IT'S GOTTA BE
A HOOT, HASN'T IT?

LET THE HOARDS IN.

HELLO.

ARE YOU ALL ON YOUR OWN?

USUALLY, YES. I'M NOT MARRIED
AND I DON'T GET OUT MUCH.

I SEE.

WELL, WELCOME TO
THE AUDITIONS FOR OUR CHOIR.

CAN YOU SING?
NO.

CAN'T SING.

I'D LIKE TO APPLY FOR THE JOB
OF THE CHOIRMASTER.

OH, I SEE.

CAN YOU CONDUCT?

OH, YES.

OH...WELL,
THE JOB'S YOURS.

WELCOME ABOARD,
UH...

CECIL.
CECIL.

CAN I INQUIRE
AS TO YOUR CURRENT SIZE?

SORRY?
THE CHOIR.

AH! NIL.

OBVIOUSLY, WE ARE GOING
TO HAVE TO RETHINK

OUR ADVERTISING
STRATEGY, YES.

UH, CECIL.

OH, ALICE.

I'M NOT MARRIED
AND I DON'T GET OUT MUCH.

RIGHT. WELL, NO TIME
LIKE THE PRESENT.

EXCEPT FOR THE PAST.
I USED TO LOVE THAT.

YES, IT WAS FUN,
WASN'T IT?

RIGHT. WELL, ALICE,
IF YOU'D SHOW IN

THE FIRST CONTENDER...
QUICKLY.

♪ LORD OF ALL HOPEFULNESS ♪

♪ LORD OF ALL JOY ♪

♪ JESUS WANTS ME
FOR A SUNBEAM ♪

♪ TO SHINE FOR HIM
EACH DAY ♪

♪ YOU FILL UP
MY SENSES ♪

♪ LIKE A NIGHT
IN THE FOREST ♪

♪ LIKE THE MOUNTAINS
IN SPRINGTIME ♪

♪ LIKE A WALK
IN THE RAIN ♪

I'M VERY BIG
IN THE GONADS.

YES, I DON'T DOUBT THAT
FOR A MOMENT.

IS THAT IMPORTANT
FOR SINGING?

THE GREAT OTTLEY AND NETTERTON
AMATEUR DRAMATIC SOCIETY.

CHARACTER TENOR.

AH.
AND WHAT HAVE YOU
GOT FOR US?

♪ YOU FILL UP
MY SENSES ♪

♪ OH, MY LOVE ♪

♪ MY DARLING ♪

♪ I'VE HUNGERED
FOR YOUR TOUCH ♪

♪ A LONG
AND LONELY TIME ♪

YES...THANK YOU.

♪ OH, YOU SEXY
MOTHERF--♪

THANK YOU.

OWEN! WHAT A SURPRISE.

YEAH, WELL, I THOUGHT
I'D HAVE A GO.

MUM SAYS I USED TO SING
LIKE AN ANGEL.

I WAS JUST LIKE--

WHAT'S THE NAME
OF THAT BLOKE?

LOVELY VOICE,
YOUNGSTER,

IN THE CHARTS,
NO TESTICLES.

JIMMY OSMOND?

NO. WELSH BLOKE.

JONES.

I THINK YOU'LL FIND,
OWEN,

THAT TOM JONES HAD RATHER
A LOT OF TESTICLES, ACTUALLY.

ABOUT FIVE, I'D SAY.

NO. ALED JONES.

OH, YES.

DEFINITELY
TESTICULARLY-CHALLENGED,
THAT ONE. YEAH.

AND WHAT HAVE YOU GOT
FOR US, OWEN?

A LITTLE NUMBER
I USED TO DO

CALLED, "JESU,
JOY OF MAN'S DESIRING."

OH, LOVELY.

THAT'S ONE
OF MY FAVOURITES.

IT'S VERY GROOVY.

FIRE AWAY.

♪ JESU ♪

♪ JOY OF MAN'S DESIRING ♪

♪ HOLY WISDOM ♪

OUR VERY OWN PAVAROTTI.

YES.
THINNER.

AND I'VE GOT MORE SHEEP.

OH, I'M SORRY
HUGO DIDN'T APPLY.

HE'S VERY GOOD
AT SINGING.

YOU'RE FAIRLY FOND OF HUGO,
AREN'T YOU, ALICE?

OH, NO, NO.
NOT AT ALL.

WELL, NOT
IN THE ROMEO, JULIET,

DIRTY DEN AND ANGIE
SORT OF WAY.

UH, HAVE YOU HAD
LOTS OF BOYFRIENDS?

WELL, DEPENDS WHAT
YOU MEAN BY "LOTS."

WELL, ONE, REALLY.

YEAH, I'VE HAD LOTS.
YEAH. YEAH.

I'VE GIVEN UP ON IT RECENTLY.
TOO MUCH WAXING FOR MY LIKING.

AND YOU ALWAYS GET THAT FUNNY
FEELING IN YOUR TUM, DON'T YOU?

DON'T TELL ME.

EVERY TIME I SEE HUGO,

I JUST FEEL AS THOUGH
I HAVE EATEN A WHOLE COW PAT.

( knock on door )

ENTER IF YOU'RE SEXY
AND LOVE JESUS.

EVENING.

I BETTER BE OFF, THEN.

OH...ABYSSINIA.

YES.

I JUST THOUGHT
I'D TELL YOU...

THAT I PUT THE NEW BIBLE
ONTO THE LECTERN.

AND DARE I SAY,
IT LOOKS SLIGHTLY BETTER

THAN THE PAPERBACK
IT REPLACES.

YOU KNOW, FUNKY NEWS
FOR MODERN MEN.

WHY DON'T YOU
COME IN, DAVID.

I'M WAITING FOR
THAT TRISTAN BLOKE

FROM SONGS OF PRAISE.

OH, I WOULDN'T RAISE
YOUR HOPES, VICAR.

HE'LL BE
SOME SAD, OLD SOAK

WHOSE CAREER PEAKED
WHEN HE DIRECTED BADGER-WATCH.

YES, YOU ALWAYS THINK
PEOPLE AT THE BBC

ARE GONNA BE GLAMOROUS,

AND THEN YOU REMEMBER
NICHOLAS WICHELL WORKS THERE.

BESIDES WHICH, MOST OF THEM
ARE SO HOMOSEXUAL

THEY MAKE JOHN INMAN LOOK
LIKE JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME.

( knock on door )
OH.

THAT'LL BE HIM NOW.

OH.

YOU MUST BE GERALDINE.
YES.

TRISTAN.

HI. C-COME ON IN.

THANK YOU.

( laughs nervously )

DO, UH, GO ON
THROUGH THERE.

HERE?
YEAH.

( breathes heavily )

TRISTAN,
THIS IS DAVID HORTON,

CHAIRMAN OF
THE PARISH COUNCIL.

DAVID, THIS IS TRISTAN.

HOW DO YOU DO?

HAVE YOU EVER WORKED
WITH JOHN INMAN, TRISTAN?

IT'S JUST THAT DAVID'S
AN ENORMOUS FAN OF HIS.

OH. 'FRAID NOT.

CAMP COMEDY'S NOT QUITE
MY CUP OF TEA, BUT--

NO. MINE, NEITHER.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
I REALLY MUST BE GOING.

THERE'S SOME WRESTLING ON
I'M VERY KEEN TO SEE.

GOOD NIGHT.

COFFEE?

YES, THANK YOU.

IT'S VERY GOOD OF YOU
TO LET US DO THIS.

I'M SURE IT'S
GONNA BE WONDERFUL.

MIND INSTANT?

NO, THAT'S GREAT.

I'VE ONLY GOT
A FEW MINUTES, BUT...

GREAT.

DO, UH, SIT DOWN.
ABSOLUTELY.

SO...

HOW'S IT GOING
IN THE PARISH?

HAVE YOU MET
A LOT OF OPPOSITION?

WELL, DAVID'S A BIT HOSTILE,
BUT I CAN MANAGE IT.

YES, YOU OFTEN FIND

IT'S THE GAY ANGLO-CATHOLICS
WHO KICK UP THE MOST FUSS.

YES...

ALTHOUGH DAVID'S NOT...
YES. YES, YOU'RE RIGHT.

YES, IT IS.

ABOUT THE PROGRAM...

ANY IDEAS ABOUT HYMNS?

WELL,
SOMEBODY DID REQUEST

"JESUS WANTS ME
FOR A SUNBEAM."

DAVID?

YES, I THINK
IT WAS HIM, YES.

OH, LOOK.
IT'S A NEW JAR.

ABSOLUTELY LOVE THAT POPPING
SOUND IT MAKES, DON'T YOU?

( popping sound )

YES...IT IS FUN,
ISN'T IT?

ISN'T IT?

MOVING ON, THEN

UM...ABOUT THE READINGS,

WE'D LOVE ONE
OF THE READERS
TO BE A WOMAN.

OH. NOT ME?

WELL, YOU'VE GOT
TO DO THE SERMON.

OF COURSE. YES.

MUSTN'T HOG EVERYTHING,
MUST I?

( makes hog sound )

YOU'LL BE KEEPING THE SERMON
IN, THEN, WILL YOU?

OH, YES. IT'S VERY MUCH
THE HEART OF THE PROGRAM.

I'D REALLY LOVE PEOPLE
TO GET A GLIMPSE

OF THE WOMAN
UNDERNEATH THE CASSOCK.

I ASSUME YOU'RE TALKING
SPIRITUALLY THERE?

YES, I'M TALKING
SPIRITUALLY.

WHAT ELSE COULD HE
HAVE MEANT?

"I WANNA GET SOME CLOSE-UP
OF YOUR PANTS"?

EXCUSE ME...

OH! YEAH?

I REALLY BETTER BE GOING.
I AM VERY LATE.

ABSOLUTELY.

THE TRAFFIC THIS TIME
OF NIGHT IS JUST--

NON-EXISTENT.
NON-EXISTENT. YES.

I'LL SEND SOMEONE DOWN
TO RECCE THE CHURCH,

IF THAT'S OKAY--
FOR THE CAMERAS.

YES. IT'S NOT JUST OKAY,
IT'S OKEE-DOKEE.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT,
GERALDINE.

YES. YOU'RE LOVELY--

NO, SORRY--
YOU'RE WELCOME.

SORRY. WELCOME TO--
LOVELY TO MEET YOU.

WELCOME TO--YEAH.
YEAH. YEAH.

OH, GOD.
I DID A PIG IMPRESSION.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

CAN I BE
OF ANY ASSISTANCE?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M DAVID.

( imitating James Bond )
DAVID HORTON.

CHAIRMAN OF
THE PARISH COUNCIL.

GLORIOUS LITTLE BUILDING,
ISN'T IT?

MMM.

VERY FINE BUTTRESSES.

LOVELY, UM, APSE.

I'M RUTH.

I'M RECCE-ING
FOR THE LIGHTING.

OH, I SEE. PART OF
THE CAMERAMAN'S TEAM?

I AM THE CAMERAMAN.

OF COURSE YOU ARE.

I THOUGHT I MIGHT START

WITH A SHOT
OF THIS OLD TOMBSTONE.

BEAUTIFUL LETTERING.

"HERE LIETH
FARAH FIFFONF."

SARAH SISSONS.
THE Fs ARE Ss.

YES...

I WAS JOKING.

( chuckles )

OF COURSE YOU WERE.

AND UNDERNEATH, LOOK--

"JANE, FISTER OF THE ABOVE."

SISTER, ONE HOPES.

COME ON, DAVID.

LET'S CHECK OUT
YOUR BUTTRESSES.

TRIST! NOT HERE.

WELL, ALL RIGHT, THEN.
JUST ONE LITTLE KISS.

MIND IF I COME IN?

GOD. GOD.

SORRY. JUST THOUGHT
I'D RUN THROUGH MY LESSON

FOR SONGS OF PRAISE,
IF THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

YEAH. YEAH.
SIT DOWN.

I WAS JUST, YOU KNOW,

LICKING THE MIRROR
THE WAY YOU DO.

KEEPING IT CLEAN.
YOU KNOW.

ANYWAY.
( clears throat )

I'M AWFULLY NERVOUS.

OH, GOD. YOU'RE NOT
THE ONLY ONE.

STILL, HAVE
A PROPER PRACTICE.

THANKS.
READ ON, MACDUFF.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

( clears throat )

RIGHT...

"YE ARE THE SALT
OF THE EARTH

"AND SAINTED.

"GOD SHALL SEAL
YOUR ENDEAVOURS

UNTIL YE SIT
ON HIS RIGHT HAND."

OKAY.

"THEREFORE,
FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT

FOR HIS SAKE, AND HE
SHALL BE YOUR SUCCOUR."

SUCCOUR?
WHAT'S SUCCOUR?

SORRY?

YOU WEREN'T EVEN LISTENING.

YES, I WAS. I WAS JUST
THINKING ABOUT...OH, NOTHING.

WHAT WERE YOU SAYING
ABOUT SUCKING--

UM, SUCCOUR?

UM, WHAT'S IT MEAN?

WELL, IT MEANS SUPPORT.
HELP, NOURISHMENT.

LIKE YOU, ALICE,
GIVE ME SUCCOUR.

I'LL CERTAINLY NEED IT
TOMORROW NIGHT,

IN FRONT OF ALL
THOSE PEOPLE.

AND TRISTAN.

WHO?! WHO?

THE PRODUCER.

OH, HIM.

HIM? GOD, I'D COMPLETELY
FORGOTTEN ABOUT HIM.

HAVEN'T THOUGHT ONCE ABOUT
HIM LICKING ME UP THE LEGS.

WHAT?

I HOPE HE DOESN'T EXPECT ME
TO MAKE A SPECIAL EFFORT.

GOD, IT'S NOT THE JOB
OF A VICAR TO FLIRT...

I'M AFRAID.

AH, HUGO.

WHAT WOULD YOU THINK
IF EVER I WERE TO, SAY...

FIND A GIRLFRIEND?

OH. WELL, I'D BE
TERRIBLY GRATEFUL.

I JUST DON'T SEEM TO BE ABLE
TO GET ONE OFF MY OWN BAT.

NO, I MEANT A GIRLFRIEND
FOR MYSELF.

OH, RIGHT.
GOT YOU.

UH, WELL, EXCELLENT.

WHAT? SOME SORT OF PLEASANT,
PLUMP, MIDDLE-AGED SORT--

NOT NECESSARILY.

NO?
OF COURSE.

THERE ARE LOTS
OF OLDER WOMEN

WHO HAVE REALLY FOUGHT HARD
TO KEEP THEIR LOOKS.

THE NECKS ARE OFTEN
A BIT--

YES. THANK YOU, HUGO.

I WAS, IN FACT, THINKING
OF SOMEONE YOUNGER.

ALL I WANTED TO SAY WAS

THAT IF I DO
BRING SOMEONE 'ROUND,

I TRUST YOU'LL BEHAVE
WITH DUE DISCRETION.

ABSOLUTELY. YES.

NUDGE, NUDGE.
WINK, WINK.
SAY NO MORE.

HOW ARE YOU, DAVEY?

MY OLDER BROTHER.
NUDGE, NUDGE.

GOTTA BE GOING.

BUSY ORGANIZING A SURPRISE
30th BIRTHDAY FOR YOU, BRO!

THEY'RE VERY BEAUTIFUL.

SO ARE YOU, MY DEAR.

IN MY YOUTH,

I WAS WHAT YOU CALL
A "CORKER."

CAN I GIVE YOU
A BIT OF ADVICE?

OF COURSE.

PLAY THE FIELD.

SNOG EVERYBODY,
SLEEP WITH MOST.

I DIDN'T, AND I'VE BEEN
REGRETTING IT EVER SINCE.

I DO LIKE
YOUNG FRANK,

BUT A BIT
OF A SLOW-MOVER.

26 YEARS AND NOT EVEN
UPSTAIRS OUTSIDIES.

THE CASSOCK IS SPLENDID.

OH. THANKS.

FOR THE BIG OCCASIONS,
YOU CAN'T BEAT

A LITTLE BLACK NUMBER,
CAN YOU?
NO.

AND DON'T BE NERVOUS.

IT'S JUST TELLY.

THAT'S RIGHT.
DON'T WORRY.

I'LL BE FINE.

COOL AS A CUCUMBER, ME.

AND IF ANNE DIAMOND
CAN DO IT...

I'M AFRAID WE'VE RUN
OUT OF SEATS, JIM.

WE'LL JUST HAVE TO STAND.

WHAT ABOUT WHEN
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO SIT?

WELL, WE'LL JUST MIME IT,
I SUPPOSE.

YOU KNOW...
DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN.

HOLD IT....

AND UP.

GROUP HUG?

OH, FOR ENERGY.

OF COURSE.

YES.

WILL LIFE BE DIFFERENT
AFTER THIS?

I MEAN, WILL WE EVER
KNOW PRIVACY AGAIN?

WHO KNOWS?

THIS TIME NEXT WEEK,
YOU COULD BE A MOVIE STAR.

GOSH. YES.

OOH, I WONDER
WHICH ONE.

♪ 'TIS ONLY THE SPLENDOUR ♪

♪ OF LIGHT
GUIDETH ME ♪

WELL, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
I'VE BEEN ON TELEVISION.

I DID ONCE APPLY
TO GO ON MASTERMIND,

BUT THEY DIDN'T LIKE
MY SPECIAL SUBJECT.

APPARENTLY THERE JUST AREN'T

ENOUGH QUESTIONS
ABOUT THE WOMBLES.

( congregation chuckles )

ALSO, I WAS A BIT YOUNG

BEING 4 1/2 YEARS OLD
AT THE TIME.

( chuckling )

WHEN I FIRST DECIDED
TO BECOME A VICAR,

MY LIFE WAS
A LITTLE BIT LIKE MASTERMIND.

PEOPLE ASKING ME QUESTIONS
ALL THE TIME--

"HOW?" "WHEN?" "WHY?"

I KNOW THERE ARE STILL PEOPLE

WHO CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY WOMEN
ARE ALLOWED TO BECOME VICARS.

PEOPLE WHO ARE WORRIED
THAT SOON THERE'LL BE

PANTIHOSE DRYING
ON THE VESTRY RADIATORS

AND THAT HYMNS
WILL HAVE TO BE CALLED "HERS."

BUT, YOU KNOW,
THEY SHOULDN'T WORRY.

BECAUSE WHILE THEY'RE WORRYING
ABOUT THESE LITTLE THINGS,

THEY'RE FORGETTING TO WORRY
ABOUT THE BIG THINGS.

ISSUES LIKE...

WELL, HOW MUCH YOU HELP
THOSE WHO NEED HELP.

HOW MUCH YOU LOVE PEOPLE,
AND SHOW YOUR LOVE TO THEM.

AND CUT.

SORRY, THAT WAS TERRIFIC,

BUT WE'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO DO IT AGAIN.

THE FLOWERS GOT
IN THE WAY OF THE CAMERA.

AND CUE.

OH, I SEE.
( clears throat softly )

IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER,
THE SON, AND THE HOLY GHOST.

AMEN.

WELL, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
I'VE BEEN ON TELEVISION.

I DID ONCE APPLY
TO GO ON MASTERMIND,

BUT THEY DIDN'T LIKE
MY SPECIAL SUBJECT.

APPARENTLY,
THERE JUST AREN'T

ENOUGH QUESTIONS
ABOUT THE WOMBLES.

AND, UH...UH...
UH...

CUT.

IS SOMETHING THE MATTER?

UH, YES, ACTUALLY.

UH, LAST TIME WE DID IT,

THERE WAS A LITTLE LAUGH THERE,
WASN'T THERE?

A LITTLE TITTER.
MIN-MINI LAUGH.

PROBLEM IS, WE'VE ALREADY
HEARD THAT JOKE ONCE, YOU SEE.

YES, I KNOW. UM...

EVERYONE, CAN YOU PRETEND

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
YOU'VE HEARD THIS SERMON?

TRY AND LAUGH
IN THE SAME PLACES

AS YOU DID
FIRST TIME 'ROUND.

HOW WILL WE KNOW
WHICH WERE THE SAME PLACES?

WELL, PERHAPS
SOMEBODY WHO REMEMBERS

CAN HOLD UP A HAND
AND CUE YOU.

DAMNED IF I
CAN REMEMBER.

I THINK I CAN!

OH, WELL, GREAT.

EVERYBODY, WATCH
THIS CHAP HERE, RIGHT?

AND TAKE FOUR,
AND...GERALDINE.

CUE.

IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER,

THE SON,
AND THE HOLY GHOST. AMEN.

WELL, THIS IS
MY FIRST TIME ON TELEVISION.

I DID ONCE APPLY
TO GO ON MASTERMIND,

BUT THEY DIDN'T LIKE
MY SPECIAL SUBJECT.

APPARENTLY, THERE JUST AREN'T
ENOUGH QUESTIONS

ABOUT THE WOMBLES.

AND, UH, ALSO, THEY THOUGHT
I WAS A BIT TOO YOUNG--

( congregation laughs )

NO...

PERHAPS IF YOU
JUST RAISE YOUR HAND

WHEN YOU'RE EXPECTING
A LAUGH.

RIGHT.

CUE.

IN THE NAME
OF THE FATHER--

( congregation laughs )
NO!

NO. NO. NO.

( congregation singing )

( crowd conversing )

LOOK, HERE'S MY NUMBER.

RING ME WHEN
YOU'VE WATCHED IT.

OH, THANKS VERY MUCH.

PERHAPS IF I'M BEETLING
DOWN THE M40,

YOU COULD SHOW ME
'ROUND THE BEEB.

INTRODUCE ME TO UNCLE BULGARIA
OR SOMETHING.

ANY TIME.
I'M ALL YOURS.

BYE.

ATTENTION, ATTENTION.

POTENTIAL SNOGGING
SITUATION DEVELOPING.

I WAS JUST WONDERING,

I WOULDN'T MIND HAVING
A BIT OF A CHAT WITH YOU

ABOUT OUR NEXT
CORPORATE VIDEO--

"THE POTATO
IN THE 21st CENTURY."

COULDN'T GIVE ME
A NUMBER OR ANYTHING?

SURE. IF I HAD A PEN.

Geraldine: TRISTAN!

HI, IT'S GERALDINE.

OH, YOU REMEMBER.

YEAH, WELL,
WHAT SAY YOU

WE MEET UP
AFTER EVENSONG,

MR. PRODUCER,
AND REMINISCE.

OH, YOU'VE FORGOTTEN
TO PICK UP THE PHONE.

I KNOW! I KNOW!
I KNOW!

OH, COME ON, GERALDINE.
JUST DO IT.

WOULD YOU--
DO YOU WANT ME TO GO?

NO, NO, NO. SIT DOWN.
JUST SIT DOWN THERE.

RIGHT. RIGHT.
HERE WE GO.

ALL RIGHT,
HERE WE GO.

NO, I CAN'T DO IT.
I CAN'T DO IT.

JUST A PICKING-COTTON
SECOND HERE.

WHAT? WHAT?

YOU'VE GONE AND GOT A BIT
OF A CRUSH, HAVEN'T YOU?

NO, I HAVEN'T.

YES...

WELL, MAYBE JUST A BIT.

OOH, ALICE.

BLIMEY. BLIMEY.

THERE'S JUICE LOOSE
ABOOT THIS HOOSE!

WELL, I MEAN, IT'S ALL
SO RIGHT, ISN'T IT?

HE'S A MAN,
I'M A WOMAN.

HE'S A RELIGIOUS BROADCASTER,
I'M A VICAR.

HE'S SCOTTISH,
AND I LOVE MCVITIES BISCUITS.

( phone rings )

Geraldine: I'VE GOT A REALLY
SPOOKY FEELING HERE.

QUITE A LOT OF MY FUTURE...

DEPENDS ON THIS PHONE CALL.

HELLO?

GERALDINE?

DAVID.

YEAH.

UM...SLIGHTLY STRANGE FAVOUR.

WONDERED IF YOU HAD A NUMBER
FOR THAT TRISTAN BLOKE.

WANTED TO SPEAK
TO THE, UH, LIGHTING BOD--

RUTH, I THINK HER NAME WAS--

ABOUT SOME DAMAGE
TO THE CHAPEL.

SEEM TO HAVE GOT
HER NUMBER DOWN WRONG.

HANG ON A MOMENT.
I'LL LOOK FOR IT.

MM, I WONDER WHERE
THAT NUMBER COULD BE.

I WONDER WHERE I PUT IT.

MM, I'M SUCH A BUTTER-BRAIN,
AREN'T I?

OH, HERE IT IS.

AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT,
DAVID.

IT'S 071 223 2129.

UH, NO. NO, SORRY.

I WANTED TRISTAN'S NUMBER.

YEAH, THAT IS
TRISTAN'S NUMBER.

THAT'S THE NUMBER
I'VE BEEN DIALLING.

THAT'S...RUTH'S NUMBER.

TRISTAN...AND RUTH'S NUMBER...

YUP.

( sighs )

SO, IS THE WEDDING
OFF, THEN?

LOOKING A LITTLE
LESS-LIKELY NOW. YEAH.

YEAH.

( sighs )

JUST THE SAME OLD STORY,
ISN'T IT?

HE'S TAKEN,
I'M GIT-WOMAN.

LA-DE-DA.

IT'S ONE OF THE DISADVANTAGES
OF THE PRIESTHOOD--

THE BLOKE'S LOOKING
FOR A HOT CHICK,

THE VICARAGE IS HARDLY
HIS FIRST PORT OF CALL.

I SUPPOSE NOT.

LOCAL DISCO.

YEAH, LOCAL DISCO,
TAKE YOUR CONDOMS.

LOCAL VICARAGE,
TAKE A RASPBERRY SPONGE.

OH, WELL. LET'S DO
THE TEA ROTAS, EH?

THERE'S MORE TO LIFE
THAN JUST BEING HAPPY.

COULD BE WORSE.

COULD'VE BEHAVED
LIKE THE MORON FROM MARS

ON SONGS OF PRAISE
LIKE I DID.

YES, I SUPPOSE SO.
GOD, THAT WAS A COCK-UP.

NO, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO!

I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
SORRY!

NO, THEY'LL EDIT IT OUT.
IT'LL BE FINE.

( clears throat )

ARE YOU SURE?

ABSOLUTELY. TRUST ME,
I'M A VICAR.

SETTLE DOWN, EVERYONE.
IT'S NEARLY ON.

VERY EXCITING.

( program music starts )

GOOD LUCK.

( scattered comments )

OH...
BEAUTIFUL.

( congregation singing )

( Geraldine sings loudly )

CHIN, LOOK AT THAT.
NO.

IF YOU CAN'T SING
IN TUNE,

YOU MIGHT AS WELL
MAKE UP FOR IT IN VOLUME.

♪ AH, AH, AH, AH,
AH, AH ♪

♪ I FEEL IT
IN MY FINGERS ♪

♪ I FEEL IT
IN MY TOES ♪

OH, NICE.

♪ IN MY TOES ♪

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND ME ♪

Geraldine: OH, FAB CHOICE.

I THINK
IT WORKS.

♪ LOVE IS ALL AROUND ME ♪

♪ AND SO THE FEELING GROWS ♪

YOU MUST, MUST GIVE ME
THE NAME OF THAT MASCARA.

IT'S ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS.

♪ BY THE WAY
THAT I FEEL ♪

♪ THERE'S NO BEGINNING ♪

♪ THERE'LL BE NO END ♪

♪ ON JESUS' LOVE
YOU CAN DEPEND ♪

♪ YES, YOU CAN DEPEND ♪

YOU NEXT, VICAR.
THIS IS YOUR SERMON.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
I'VE BEEN ON TELEVISION.

I DID ONCE APPLY
TO GO ON MASTERMIND,

BUT THEY DIDN'T LIKE
MY SPECIAL SUBJECT.

APPARENTLY, THERE JUST AREN'T
ENOUGH QUESTIONS

ABOUT THE WOMBLES.

( loud laughter )

IT'S EVEN FUNNIER
THAN I REMEMBER.

OH, HERE COMES ALICE!

SURELY THEY'VE CUT THIS.

OH, NO.
YOU PROMISED.

NO, SUSH, SUSH.
EVERYONE, SUSH.

IT'LL BE FINE.
YOU'LL SEE.

THE LESSON IS TAKEN

FROM THE SIXTH CHAPTER
OF THE SONG OF SOLOMON.

BEGINNING
AT THE SECOND VERSE.

"YE ARE THE FALT
OF THE EARTH, AND FAINTED."

UM...SAI-SAINTED.

"GOD SHALL FEAL--

"SEAL YOUR ENDEAVOURS

"UNTIL YE FIT
ON HIS RIGHT HAND."

"THEREFORE,

"FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT

"FOR HIS...

"FAKE...

"AND HE SHALL BE
THY...F--

Geraldine: SUCCOUR!

SUCCOUR. HE SHALL BE
THY SUCCOUR.

( softly )
"THY SUCCOUR."

YOU SEE?

NOBODY WOULD'VE NOTICED.

WOULD THEY, DAVID?

NO. NO, OF COURSE NOT.

NOT IF THEY WERE WATCHING
THE OTHER SIDE.

♪ SURELY GOODNESS
AND MERCY ♪

♪ SHALL FOLLOW ME ♪

♪ ALL THE DAYS
OF MY LIFE ♪

♪ AND I WILL DWELL ♪

♪ IN THE HOUSE
OF THE LORD ♪

♪ FOREVER ♪

♪ FOREVER ♪

SO, TWO NUNS
DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD

IN TRANSYLVANIA.

OH...
YEAH.

ALL OF A SUDDEN,

A GREAT, BIG,
SCARY VAMPIRE

JUMPS OUT RIGHT IN FRONT
OF THE CAR.

OH, NO.
YEAH.

ONE NUN SAYS
TO THE OTHER,

SHOW HIM YOUR CROSS.

SO SHE WINDS DOWN THE WINDOW,
LEANS OUT, AND SAYS--

"GET OUT OF THE WAY,
YOU TOOTHY GIT!"

( laughs )

OH. OH.

I MISUNDERSTOOD THAT,

BECAUSE I THOUGHT SHE MEANT
"SHOW HIM YOUR CRUCIFIX,"

WHEREAS, IN FACT,

SHE MEANT, "SHOW HIM
YOU'RE REALLY, REALLY ANGRY."

YEAH...

IT IS QUITE
A CONFUSING STORY.

GOSH, I'M STUPID.

NO...YOU'RE
NOT STUPID AT ALL.

IT'S FUNNY, ACTUALLY.
YES.

( giggles )