All language subtitles for Taskmaster S11E01.eng

Taskmaster was recorded in accordance with

all social distancing guidelines
in place at the time of filming.

Yaow! I just need to read that again.

Oh-

Hello. I'm Greg Davies.

Welcome to a brand-new
series of Taskmaster.

People have accused me of
having a god complex on this show.

Well, I've got bad news for you -

I've talked to God and
he said, "You got dis."

And he's right - I do got dis.

And by "dis" I mean my
golden bonce of victory.

And to battle for it we
have five new gladiators,

all of whom have two things in common.

One: they're happy to
throw away their careers.

And two: - they can no longer back out

because they've signed a contract.

The audience are watching this at
a later date and at a safe distance,

so, without further
ado, let's meet the cast

and get this magnificent
competition under way.

Welcome, Charlotte Ritchie... APPLAUSE

...Jamali Maddix,

Lee Mack,

Mike Wozniak

and Sarah Kendall. CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, a man who once told me

that he's got no respect for the military

and if any soldier came up to him in public

he could easily have them
because they're all stupid.

It's little Alex Horne!

Right, I'm chuffed to
bits to be here, Greg.

I'm chuffed to bits to have you here
again.
I've got myself ready.

I've had my nails painted.
Have you?
Yes.

Yeah, look there it is.

Little watercolour of my nails.

I didn't think you'd like that,

so I have actually had my
real nails painted as well, look.

I've got eyes on my thumbs,
so I can do that.
Yeah.

Like that?
That's nice, that.
Yeah?

No, it's nice, yeah.
Right.
Lovely.

So... let's crack on.

- Have you finished?
- OK, let's have the first Prize Task

of the series, please.

Yes, each show, the
competitors have to bring in a prize

for the prize pot, according
to that episode's category,

and to start this series the category is

The Best Thing You
Can Carry, But Only Just.

So, if it's either easy to carry
or completely impossible,

it's just not going to
cut the mustard with us.

So back off, son.

Greg will judge which one is best

and the owner will get
the maximum of five points.

At the end of the episode
the overall winner will barely

carry home all five things
over five cumbersome trips.

Hello, Charlotte. Hello.

Welcome to the show. Thank you.

So, what's the thing that you've brought in

that is the best thing that
you can carry, but only just?

Um, all of my bedding.

There it is.
All Charlotte's bedding there, Greg.

So, all of it with me,
and it is the best thing

because it's one of the best things
I own. Spend half my time in it.

Why are you only just
able to carry this bedding?

Well...
It's fairly light, isn't it?

It weighs 4kg, or the same as a cat,

or a cat-sized dog.

Only just.

I didn't know it was about it
being almost impossible to carry.

Yeah.
I would say it's not
almost impossible.

Did you know it was about it being good?

LAUGHTER And a good prize.

We'll see, we'll see.
I'm willing to
bet that that's going to...

I will be amazed if
that isn't in last place.

You can't bet on what
you're going to decide.

He can. I'll bet with you.
Will you?
Yeah.

How much? £20. £20.

So, 20 quid says that
Charlotte is going in last place.

- Ok.
- Jamali.

Can you be worse than bedding?

You're being very harsh with it.

I would say...
Oh, oh,
you should strap yourself in.

Uh, my prize is a slightly hot potato.

Here it is, the slightly hot potato.

Oh! I thought that was a metaphor.

I thought you meant it was
controversial!

No, no, no, no, no.

No, it's just a slightly hot
potato, cos it's like, it's not too hot

where it's impossible to carry,
but it's slightly hot, so it's...

It's very good.
It's like,
you've got to do this with it.

Sorry, Jamali. I'm just...

I'm just seeing if I've got £20 on me.

Lee Mack.

I have brought in something that
I can prove I can only just carry,

cos I took a photograph of it,
and I'm desperate to give this away.

Great.
And it is, in fact,
my own children.
Ah.

Now, it turns out, I'm not
allowed to give my children away.

Oh, that's a shame. They'd
be a great prize for any home.

So I figured, now, what I'll do
is I'll give away a representation

of my children instead.
These are his children.

Right? Ah. And I think...

If you look at those
photographs next to each other

you'll see how much
effort has been put into that.

Here we go.
So good. It's uncanny,
to be honest with you.

I think it's a contender.
Thank you.

Michael Wozniak.

Um, uh, the thing I can
carry, but only just, is a tune.

Ahh

Now this - Duvet, and Potato Boy -

this is lateral thinking.

OK, well, here's the CD on the screen.

This is what the winner is going to get.

Mike has provided a backing
track, which I will play now.

♪ Facts about animals, prawns are cannibals

♪ If there's an elephant in the
room then you're in the wrong room

♪ Cutting an earthworm
in half makes you a sadist

♪ I think it's worth repeating
that prawns eat their babies

♪ And monkeys eat monkeys,
but who gives a monkey's?

Monkeys.

♪ And if you squash a wasp, it
releases a chemical from the wasp

♪ That attracts people who
tell you facts about wasps. ♪

Ah, you CAN carry a tune.

You're a really good singer.
I dunno, Sarah.

It sounded fairly awful. Rim"

And it was a sort of
nightmarish vision of nature.

They're absolute wrong'uns, uh, prawns.

I'm just writing down "Prawns
are wrong'uns" and we'll move on.

Sarah.

I was panicked looking
for, you know, prizes,

and then I saw a really big "road
closed" sign that looked very heavy.

I stole it and I got it to an Uber

and then I Ubered it over to the studio.

Then Channel 4 said, "Uh, no, that's theft

"and we can't represent that
sort of behaviour on television."

So you haven't got a prize at all?

No, I did bring a prize.

I stole the bar fridge
from my dressing room.

Here it is. So it is a stolen item.

And, again, we will have to
put that back cos theft is still bad.

Yeah.
Sorry can I just check,
is it just me

that's not got a mini bar in my room?

All right, here we go. Let's crack on.

Last place... Last place.

Duvet.
Aww.
OK.
Sorry.
No, it makes sense.

Second to last place, potato.

Two points for the hot potato.
Third to last place,

three points, mini fridge.

Three points for the stolen fridge, Sarah.

Drum roll. If they were his
real kids he would've won,

but they're not his real kids.

But he still gets second place.
Four points to Lee Mack.

And I don't know why,
Wozniak's song takes it.

It's gut instinct.
Mike Wozniak gets five points.

OK, let's go. First task
proper, please, Alex.

OK, here we go.

Here it is.

Li-

Good entrance.

I know. Got some swagger.

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.

Hello, Alex. Hello, Mike.

Hello, Jamali. “I”

I'm not going to ask for permission
I'm just going to open this one.

Do the most impressive thing
under this table with one hand.

You must be looking at the camera
and waving with your other hand

throughout your impressive thing.

OK, so it's going to be my right hand,

cos this hand doesn't do anything.

You have 15 minutes to
prepare for your impressive thing.

Then a minute in which
to do your impressive thing.

Your time starts now.

Thank you. Oh, it's a pleasure.

People don't often say thank you.

Clicking's not impressive, is it?

I could make something.

Um, I could cook something.

Can I use this? OK.

I don't know how many
impressive things I'm able to do

with two hands.

I've always wanted to do that
thing where you do that with a coin,

so maybe I'll have a go.
This might be the time.

Right.

I won't be needing that 15
minutes. Just let me prepare myself.

Uh, excuse me. Back in a tick.

Am I allowed to watch a
video of someone doing it?

There might be a knack
to it that I'm just missing.

Yeah, you are giving yourself seven minutes

to learn quite a difficult skill.

I could sketch your face.

Or I could do, like, um...

Like, the Golden Gate Bri... I can't draw.

Oh, no.

What's wrong?
Well, it's just so good.

This has done nothing for my confidence.

KNOCK ON DOOR Come in. Hello.

I was just, uh, outside looking
for ideas but there weren't any.

There were no ideas outside? I

Right, Charlotte said, "I'm going
to have to use my right hand..."

Mmm.

- "..because this one doesn't do anything."
- Yeah.

Hands are amazing, but this
really doesn't really do anything.

It's largely redundant.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I'm
grateful for it but it doesn't do...

Um, I did want to ask you
about your chosen outfit.

What's the inspiration behind your look?

I've written down "Middle
management, primary school."

That's pretty fair. Geography
teacher, do you know what I mean?

RAF reject. I'm not really sure.

But, I mean, they were quite
cheap and they were available,

and they cover the crucial bits.

Good. Let's crack on.

OK, well, first up it's the hugely
successful comedian Lee Mack.

So, I'm going to attempt to make
you a feast using only one hand.

You'd better eat this.

Your time starts...

Please wave, Lee. Argh...

Uh-

Keep waving, Lee.

Ah... Ah.

Can you keep me up to date
with the time please, Alex?

I don't know why I'm smiling

- doesn't even say it in the
instructions.
45 seconds left.

It's not fair. It's not fair.
Bit more waving, please.

Sorry, sorry.

Hiya, hiya.

Where's it gone? Where's that bread
The
You've got 30 seconds.

Where's the bread gone?
Where's the bread gone?!

There was bread on there!

Oh, shit.

I've dropped everything!

You've only got 15 seconds.

Ah, God! Hang on, where's me bread?

Ah, I'm looking at the camera.

Lunch is served, sir.

Scrubbing it on.

What were you hoping
the end result would be?

I genuinely thought I would be
able to do something amazing.

That when it came up you'd be
like, "Wow, that is pretty impressive."

You kept using the word "feast".
Well, it's a feast, innit?

You can feast on it.
I admired your ambition.
Thank you.

And the end result was rubbish.

Who's next?

OK, next, we're going to see
a Handy-podean, Sarah Kendall.

Your minute starts... WHISTLE

OK. Oh.

I've just broken it, I think.

OK.

Ah. OK, uh...

I can't find... I don't know what that is.

Oh, yeah.

I can't... WHISTLE

Thank you, Sarah.

Yeah.

Pretty good. Thank you.

You're always going to score
highly for humiliating Alex Horne.

That's what I figured, and that
was the game that I was playing.

It's always going to work. Yeah.

Lovely, pretty lady.

Thank you.

Lovely compliments today.

Sarah, I think
it's an excellent attempt.
Thanks.

OK, I need you to look
away for three minutes

so the adverts don't suck
you into their eternal vortex

of wasteful consumerism.

I said look away, talk to your kids!

They're lonely!

Hello, and welcome back.
Where were we, Alex?

Before the break, the new cast
were tackling a one-handed task,

where one hand was under the
table, trying to do something impressive,

while the other one was waving above it.

Next up, it's Charlotte Ritchie.

Did she manage to rapidly develop a skill

that usually takes years to master?

Let's find out.

OK.

I, er...

Don't panic!

OK.

I've still got a gorgeous 18 seconds.

I can't do it!

Ah!

Finished? Yeah.

Good bye, Charlotte.
Thank you very much.

Oh!

The chair's laughing at me.

Still convinced it's just your left hand

that's not very good at doing stuff?

I think that was electric, don't you?

I think if you saw it out of context,

of knowing that you'd just learnt
it...
OK.

...you'd be thrown out of
any theatre in the land, but...

I thought it was absolutely brilliant.

Oh, Lee, thanks.
It was in slow motion, wasn't it?

It's called a coin walk.

It'd normally take 50 hours
to perfect the coin walk.

Right.
She took seven minutes
to learn it,

because she also spent
two minutes practising waving

with the other hand.

Jamali. Shall we?

Yeah, let's do it, man.
Let's watch Jamali Maddix.

That was you and your guy, was it?

That was me.

Impressive.

There you go. It WAS impressive, wasn't it?

Thank you, Jamali.
Thank you.
Just, you know...

See you later. ELM

That was great.

Yeah, it's certainly the best ever example

of a spinning a cushion on
top of a doll I've ever seen.

Can you spin a cushion?
Of course I can.

I don't think you can.
Do you not think?

I, I, I know it, cos I can hear the
hater in your tone, from jealousy.

I know you can't do it,
and that's what haters do,

if you can't do something...
I'm not...
...you sit on your chair,

that's been custom-made, and you
look down...
I'm not a hater.

...on the little people.
I'm not a...
And you know what?

We're not having it any more,
all right?
Yeah, you!

Wearing black, looking
slimming, we get it, all right?

But you know what, yeah...
It's not
looking THAT slimming, is it?

Yeah!
I have to say I thought,
"Oh, I can do that",

and I tried to spin a
cushion. It's not an easy skill.

I don't think you'd be
able to do that.
He can't.

No, it's impossible. He
wouldn't be able to do it.

As soon as one of my manservants
brings me it, we'll see, won't we?

Oh, OK. All right.

OK, it's the man, the myth,

the moustache, it's Mike Wozniak.

Yes, please.

Just got to, er, adjust...

Mm. Ah.

Not to worry.

I hadn't quite anticipated that.

Quite slippery.

Quite slippery trousers, as well.

OK. Take it away, Mike.

You're the only person I know
who would play a balalaika

under a table,

and I wouldn't doubt for a
second that you arrived on set

with a balalaika.

Was that a tune? Was than an actual...

That was intended to be
the Taskmaster theme tune...

...but you really have to
dig into it to try and find it.

I thought it was Thunderstruck.

Oh, yeah.
I thought it was pretty good.

It felt like a horror film in the Kremlin.

Horrified by that!
It's very haunting, isn't it?

It's a haunting sound,
and a haunting image.

Yeah. Are you ready to score?

I'm not going to give anyone one point,

because, to some degree, I
was impressed by all of them.

OK.

I may review my next judgment,

if it proves that I can't spin
a pillow, but as things stand,

I'm going to give two points
to both Jamali and Charlotte.

Crumbs, wow, that is amazing.

I'm not going to clap that,
that was, that's bullshit. That's it.

I think it deserves more than that,
I'm sorry.
Yeah, cool.

But if you can't spin a cushion,

he may go up in points,
and others may go down?

All right, I'll give him an extra
point.
Just one extra point?

Yeah. I enjoyed the ambition,

but not the final product.

Yeah, but...
Three points for Lee.

Oh, come on!
You're saying
THAT was more impressive

than the spinning the cushion?

Erm, it was a close run thing

but Sarah's beautiful
lady gets four points.

Four points.
Yeah.
OK, so there's
still five points to be won by...

Anyone who can learn the
Taskmaster, er, theme in that time,

and play it on a balalaika under
a table deserves five points.

Yeah.
Mike Wozniak takes it.
Another five points.

Let's see an early
scoreboard, Alex, please.

Excitingly, these are
also the series scores,

Mike Wozniak's got a full ten points!

Whoa.

Another one, please.

Absolutely,

and it's time to call pest control.

Hello, Jamali.

What's up?

You feeling all right?

Er, yeah I'm fine. How are you?

I'm OK.

Good.

How you feeling? Er, baffled.

You're baffled?

Just looking for the task.

Oh, OK.

Ah!

I don't like that tail.

No, no, no, no.

That's OK.

Ooh, that was good.

I like that.

Ah!

How are we doing?

OK.

Thank you.

Catch the rat. Oh, no!

Most ingenious catching of the rat wins.

You must be at least three metres
from the rat when you catch it.

The rat will run over the red
green in 30 minutes from now.

Ah.

I've already got an idea.

Give me your hand. Please.

Please give me your hand.

Ingenious, ingenious.

All right. Thanks. OK.

Uh, excuse me a moment.

I'm just gonna go and have a mooch about.

Mike continuing the theme of inhabiting

the body of a primary school teacher.

"Gonna mooch around."

Are you, uh, genuinely frightened of rats?

Um, huge, big ones like that, yes.
Huge, big, remote control ones?

Rats. Yeah. Yeah.
Let's have a look.

OK, we're gonna start with two
comedians called Sarah Kendall

and Lee Mack. Lovely.

How heavy's that bathtub?

Ooh.
Do you remember the game Mouse Trap?

Yes. Carry on.

So I'm assuming it's gonna come
from over there cos that's where

it left from.
Suppose, if it's
a creature of habit.

Could you help me turn
the bath over, please?

Lift the bath, please, Alex.

OK. Now we do a little test.

Do you know what, uh,
rats like? Peanut butter.

You ever had rats? I have.

Tennis ball. Cheese.

Right, I'm ready.

Come on! Cheese, nice cheese, cheese balls.

Cheese balls.

Cheese balls.

Oh, he's thinking about it.

He's thinking about it.

Yeah, there you go.

That felt so good.

Now I wanna do it with a real animal.

Eat the cheese, eat the cheese,
eat the cheese. Eat the cheese.

Think you trapped the rat with a bat.

And that's that.

Wow, well done!

Quite a classic Road Runner style trap.

Yeah. I mean, I can't
get over how creative.

I got a blood lust in me where
I just wanted to trap the animal

and follow the rules. Yeah.

There was no fun
attached to it. There's no,

"Oh, we could get a cricket ball.

It was...
And I think I know the
reason for that.
What's that?

Because I saw a sort of fear in your eyes

when you recounted the fact
when you said, "You ever had rats?"

Yeah, I had a flashback. I have.

Yeah, I went to another place.

She was very efficient. She
set the rat trap in four minutes.

And do rats like peanut butter?

Yes, city rats very much like
me, they eat garbage and meat.

Lovely.
And that includes peanut butter.

It was trap the rat in...?

In the most practical
and ingenious fashion.

"Ingenious fashion." Oh...

I don't know how ingenious
it was. It was effective though.

But I did have a bit advantage
in that I also have had an

infestation of rats at my house and
that is exactly how we caught them.

Really nice.
I mean, it did work first time.

He set it up, there was
no tinkering with the plan.

There was none.
It came out fully formed.

And it was a lovely stroke.

I don't know if you're a cricketer.

Thank you. No, I followed
through. That's the secret.

Two parts to go until someone wins
Jamali Maddix's lukewarm potato.

Whoo!

See you again soon.

Hello, and welcome back to Taskmaster.

Alex, please, drape yourself
over the throne in a way that you

consider sexy and update everyone
on what was going on before the break.

Before the break.

Hello.

The big brave contestants were
trying to catch a rat with a trap.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Yeah? No, no, no.

Now it's the turn of the
hairy guys, Mike and Jamali.

All right, what's...

I'm going to do something with this in it.

I don't know why, but this seems like...

OK. OK.

It's going to be a multi-level trap.

Is it? It has multi dimensions to it.

What am I doing? All
right, that's not working.

All right.

Made a pig's ear of it.

If you could try and get
the holes in the holes,

do you know what I'm saying?

Pull it, pull it.

Ah.

It's all right, don't worry about that.

I'm going to move on to phase B soon.

How many phases are there?
I think, two.

Then it's action time.

All right.

Haven't got a spare piece of
cheese on you, have you, Alex,

any chance? Cheese?

It's not really spare.
It'd be my piece of cheese.

I'll owe you a piece of cheese.

Honestly? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm ready for the rat.

OK.

I think you trapped the rat.
I've trapped it all right.

He's not in the bucket,
but he ain't going anywhere.

Do you have, like, green screen stuff?

Oh, we can edit this, yeah.
Yeah?

Edit out my hand.

Ready? Yes.

Yeah, well, yeah.

I have no defence, I'm sorry.

I mean, it's one of the
worst things I've ever seen

on 11 series of the show.

But I mean, I was worried for
you right at the very beginning

when you got some wheels and went, "Yeah.

I think I know what

"I think I know what I've got planned."

You then knocked a ball through
a draining pipe and expected us

to green screen it for you.

Well, I mean, if you look at the footage,

you can't actually see my hand doing it so.

No.
I don't know what you're
talking about, mate.

Rubbish. So rubbish, Jamali.

Yeah.

I want... I want to be combative
with you, but you're right.

Right, Wozniak.

Incredible work.

It seems to me that you're inhabiting

the body of an 80's sitcom man.
With every video that goes past,

it looks like Richard Briers
has been brought back to life.

Maybe that's what it was just
being channelled, I don't know.

I was just blinded by the spectacle of it.

Well, he was hiding behind
bins with some branches.

Yeah, I didn't even
know he was behind that.

Because of the branches? Yeah.

OK, it's time for the
turn of Charlotte Rat-chie.

THIS... WAY... FOR... CHEESE.

"All rats welcome."

In case they thought only some were.
Yeah, you never know.

OK.

I'm just finding the... the breathing hole.

Yeah.

If everything's gone according to
plan, I should be completely hidden.

Yeah. Yeah.

It's not going to know what's hit it.

OK.

Do you want me to put this here?
Yes, please.

Thank you.

Good luck.

This is terrifying.

Have you got the rat?
I think so.

One rat.

Thank you, Charlotte. Thank you.

Ingenious.
Uh, didn't the rules say
you had to be off the green,

though, by, like, three metres or
something? Wasn't that in the rules?

Yeah.
It did hint at that in the
rules.
I mean, I don't want to be...

I was... I was going to
dramatically reveal that.

Oh, sorry, sorry, mate.

Ingenious. I could take issue
with the idea that the rat could

read your sign, "This way, rat.".
That is, yeah.

Sure, if I was being pedantic,
but it's a remote control rat,

so let's not be...
Right. Yeah.
...pernickety.

I mean, I thought it was amazing

and I can tell you now it would
be getting five sweet points

cos I thought it was
the most ingenious thing.

So no points to Charlotte.
No points to Charlotte.

Literally none? I'm sorry, OK, yeah.
Um...
Fine.

One point to Jamali, his was rubbish.

Right. Yeah, fair enough.

I mean, uh, yeah, all right.
So one point to Jamali

and then we're jumping
up to three, are we now?

Yeah, it's tricky. I think, as a team...

If only we could've collaborated.

...if only you could have collaborated.

Sarah and Mike.
I'm going to give
them both three points.

Three points to Sarah,
three points to Mike.

Yeah, and you've got to give it to him.

It was a... it was a lovely stroke.

It trapped the rat and it was ingenious.

I'm going to give him five points.

Five points to Lee Mack's rat
trap.
Thank you.

I think I'll take the
five points, thank you.

Let's have another one.

This one involves some
dangerous table service outside

an aircraft hangar.

Hey, Alex.

You're ready for anything.

I never know with this show though.

The task could be go
to sleep for 20 minutes.

How do you feel?

I feel bold as brass in this get-up.

Hello, Lee. Alex.

Think it's the coolest
you've looked so far.
Thank you.

Hiya. Oh, hiya.

"Deliver all the plates to Alex."

"When carrying the plates,
you must travel by scooter..."

"..or bicycle or hoverboard."

"For every plate fallen or broken,

"you will have 20 minutes
added to your time."

"Fastest wins.

"You may start moving plates
in three minutes from now."

Yeah, you've got three minutes to
test out the equipment, if you want
to.
Yeah, yeah.

Finally, the costume has come in handy.

That's it, off you go.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Whee-hee-hee-hee-hee!

Whoa.

Whoa-ho-ho-ho.

Pretty cool.

Do you mind me asking,
are you an only child?

No.

Another classic Greg Davies chat-up line.

Why do you ask, Greg?

It was just that narrating
your own play time

broke my heart a little bit. "Whoa.".

Oh, my gosh, honestly.

I can't believe I was
having so much fun like.

It's really sweet, Charlotte.
Well, thanks.

When I was a kid, there was
a bloke who decided, one day,

that for the rest of his life,

he would wear full dinner
dress everywhere he went.

His name was Scooby, RIP.

Anyway, I think if Scooby was
still alive and he was standing next

to me and you went by in your outfit,

he'd nudge me and go,
"Poor bloke.". LAUGHTER

Yeah. Tragic.

I loved it with the cape
flapping in the wind.

It's an incredible image. Yeah.

Um, shall we see some stuff?

OK, so it's 18 tables, 20-minute
penalty for each plate smashed.

Now just like what a yuppy
had for breakfast in the '90s,

it's Jam and Charlie.

You can start moving
plates in three seconds.

...two, one. WHISTLE BLOWS

OK.

Hi, Charlotte. Hiya.

Whee.

Oh, whee.

That's...

Oh, gosh.

20 minutes, is it?

Did you drop it?

All righty.

There you go.

Ooh.

Thank you for the plates, Charlotte.

Are they all there?
They're all there.

Well, no, some... One table's gone.

But this is one table.

Right. Good?

Yes, you can go now.
Done.
Thank you, Jamali, bye-bye.

It's absolutely mystifying, Jamali.

I just didn't tie it properly at the
bottom, that was the only problem.

You think that your bum papoose
would've worked otherwise?

I was trying to do, like, what
ladies do in the motherland

with babies, where they
tie it around themselves but

I just didn't get... So I
think if it was a baby...

Yeah, well, mercifully, there
wasn't a baby in there of course.

Well, nine babies smashed on
the car park.
Nine smashed babies.

You don't want that.
No, not...
You don't want that on your CV.

Not on primetime TV, no.

No. Charlotte. Hmm.

Two whees, one wa-hoo and one oh.

I mean, uh, I did it and I had
fun, so what more can you ask for?

You looked like you
were having a lot of fun.

You could just send me on miles
and I would laugh the whole way.

I did it recently.

I took one out and I was,
like, I couldn't stop laughing.

Ah, I'm thinking about it now.

Jamali was eight minutes even
without the smashing cos he,

he went back to double
bum papoose the second lot.

So eight minutes plus the 180
minutes penalty for the nine plates.

So incredibly, even though
Charlotte did the plates two at a time

she was three hours, two minutes
and 48 seconds faster than Jamali.

Wow.
Even though she went very
slowly.

I think it's fair to say the bum
papoose has been a failure.

Yeah, yeah.

Sometimes you've got to fail to
succeed in life, innit?
Mm, mm.

You live and learn.
That's what Edison said.

Well, mercy me.

It's the end of three, just time
to pop round to your neighbour's

house and tell them
you've never liked them.

Hello, we're back.

I said we would be! You did.

You're reliable and girthy.

In a great way.

Before the break, they were trying
to deliver some plates to a table

via some trendy transport.

Now, with two names that were

popular in the '80s, it's Lee and Sarah.

You can start collecting plates.

OK.

Ooh... wow, they're heavy.

Hi, Sarah. Li-

You've brought me my plates.
Yeah.
Thank you.

Am I doing this wrong?

Come on! Get in!

HE STRAINS Gosh, that's heavy!

Ahh!

Stop the clock!

All right.

Bollocks.

Thank you for the plates.

Thank you FOR the plates.
All safely delivered?

I mean, life's for living, right?

I've stopped the clock. Yes.

I should've done the
whole table the first time.

Would I get a bonus point
if I manage to juggle three?

'Um "yes".

That didn't happen.
Thank you, Lee.

Lovely. APPLAUSE

There's a marked contrast where...
you often attempt the wheel skid

as you arrive at a table.
That's right.
Very exciting.

And then, the rest of the time,
you looked like you were going

at the pace of a little old lady.

What I found really
depressing about it is that I know

I'm being visually boring,
so I'm trying to zhuzz it up

by putting my foot out occasionally.

Oh, come on, you
shouted "life's for living".

Yeah, because I knew that I
was boring the crew senseless.

And what you've done cleverly
is put me next to Lee in the edit,

so you can see what showman -

he's juggling plates,
he's got a cape on.
Yeah.

He's put some thought into it.

Yeah, it's a pretty cruel
juxtaposition.
It's nasty.

Old, er, swag-and-bag worked out
a treat, though, didn't it?
Yeah.

I didn't shout out "life's for living".

You didn't need to.
The crew shouted it.

Again and again, and again.
Again and again, and again.
Yeah.

For the rest of that day.

We're going to take those
minutes off, though, cos he...

No, no, let's get something straight here.

You said, "Bing them to the
table". I brought them to the table.

End of task - oh, they've
fallen out of the thing.

And what happens if we
say those two plates count?

Then he'll come second-last
with a time of 41 minutes, 20.

Well, I think this has got to be
properly debated amongst the group.

I agree with you guys,
I think Lee's wrong,

and I think he smashed a
plate before the time ended.

That's what I think. I think he's
second-last material, mate.
Yeah.

Come down to the bottom with me, innit?

LAUGHTER Who is the final contestant?

It's Mr Mike Wosniak.
Mike Wosniak!

Go.

OK. I imagined this
to move faster, but it...

...it might be sensing my
creeping sense of dread.

Go.

OK.

Okey dokey.

OK.

Come on.

Here we go. Ooh, hello!

Look at that.

Something's happening.

Are you operating this remotely?

OK.

Come on, baby.

Come on. Mush...

Mush, mush, mush.

Mush, mush.

Mush!

Tick tock. That's it.

Tick tock.

Tick tock, always against the clock.

Whoa.

Thank you, Mike. Thank you.

I'm so soggy... I'll go and do all that.

Yeah.
It's not your fault.
Thanks.

Has there ever been a
more stark juxtaposition

than you on that scooter in front of a jet?

In my head, that whole thing
lasted about 7-8 seconds.

Have you used one before?
No, I've never...

Of course he hasn't! I'm sorry!

I actually thought it was...
That's why I couldn't resist.

Do you know right at the
end of that, Mike pointed out

that he was soaking
wet because of the rain?

And then, he paused, looked
back and went, "It's not your fault".

I think you could be eaten
by a tiger, and you'd say,

"It's not your fault."
It's just instinct.

"You're a carnivore." LAUGHTER

He did it in 3 minutes
and 2 seconds.
Oh, wow!
Wow.

Sarah, 2 minutes, 29 seconds.

Charlotte, 5 minutes, 12.

Jamali, 188 minutes
because of the smashed plates.

So, it's whether Lee comes first or fourth.

Listen, I don't think,
in Taskmaster history,

I've ever put a decision
onto you - but I'm going to.

Well, if rules are rules,
then I think Lee has to win

because he delivered 18
unbroken plates in 1 minute, 20.

There you go. It's done. APPLAUSE

So, it's 1 point to Jamali,
2 points to Charlotte,

3 to Mike, 4 to Sarah,

but 5 points to Lee Mack,
the reckless man!
Lovely.

Quick look at the scoreboard.

Er, before that, we might
need a quick look in your drawer.

I've put something in it during the break.

Oh.

I see.

You promised Jamali one point...
Oh, yeah.

...if you are able to spin the pillow.

So, how many attempts do you get?

Three?
OK. Go on, three attempts.

OK. That's one.
I'm building the tension.

Yeah, yeah, build it up.
I threw that one.
Yeah - ooh!

And that... and that one.

Oh, oh, oh. AUDIENCE OOHS

- All right. I can't spin a pillow.
- That is poor.

Ooh, you didn't do that.
This is proper.
Oh!

That is proper.
He folds it in half.
Yeah, and then, you...
Wow.

CHEERING Look at that.

Now to the other hand!
To the other hand!

Hooray! That's it. CHEERING

So, that is one bonus point for Jamali!

APPLAUSE Ah, well done, Jamali.

Can we have a quick look
at the scoreboards, please?

Yes, it's made all the difference
cos Jamali's now got 7 points,

Mike and Lee have both got 17!

It's all to play for.

Will you please head to the
stage, for the first time this series,

for the final task of the show?

Yes! Yes.

Who will be reading the task out?

I would like Lee Mack to read the task out.

Please read it!

"Stack your buckets so
that they are taller than you.

"Then put one beanbag
on top of the buckets.

"You may not leave your
spot at any point. Fastest wins."

Does everyone understand the rules?

Stack it so it's taller than me,
then put a beanbag on top.
Yeah.

Well, why have we got five beanbags?

It's up to you how you use those
beanbags, but one must go on top.

That'll do.
When you've finished,

please put your hand on
your hips for two seconds.

You can start stacking
when I blow my whistle.

WHISTLE BLOWS Oh, my God.

That's it, it's happening.

Stay on your spot, Lee!
Oh, he's left his spot!

Stay on your spot!
I had to get it back!

You MUST stay on your spots.

Very important.

Are you enjoying the task, Greg?

It's electric!

Very calm from Jamali.

Who do you think's going to win, Greg?

Whoa! Oh!

This is what we want.

You can't use them all up, though.

That is a not a wise use of a beanbag.

He's gone early with beanbags. This is a...

I mean, I had you in the corner
of...
I'm messing with it!

I mean, that was...

Ohh, lovely!

Fi A lovely strike. APPLAUSE

- He's too good!
- Go and fuck up the big one!

Use the bucket and kick up Mike's one.

- We've got a chance over there, Greg.
- It's a bit tense.

I'm on the spot! Oh!

I'm on the spot!

I've got it, I've got it!

She did it, Sarah Kendall takes it!

We'll check the clock,
we will check the clock.

Can I go higher than me?

We have somebody who
thinks they've finished.

She hasn't.

Leave it. Stack the buckets.

Oh, guys!

Five, four, three...

...two, one, it's over!

Right. Put your buckets down.

Come and join me down here,

and we'll see how that's
affected the final scores.

Welcome back. Ah, thanks, Greg.

- Er, I was talking to them.
- Thanks, Greg.

Well, after all that chaos...

...0 points to Charlotte.
Thank you.

0 points to Jamali. Yeah.

0 to Lee. 0 to Mike.

Sarah stacked the buckets.

She put the beanbag on top,
she put her hands on her hips...

"but it fell... ah-

...two seconds after she did it,
and three frames.
Woohoo.

So, 5 points to Sarah Kendall!
5 points to Sarah Kendall.

See, following the rules can be fun.

Lee and Mike were in the
lead with 17, but now the leader

with 18 points and the
winner, in fact, is Sarah Kendall!

Who would've thought it? Not me.

Sarah Kendall wins.

Please go and cash in
on your carriable collection!

Whoo! Wow. APPLAUSE

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that if you're a new parent,

you're struggling to
get your child to sleep,

why not book Sarah Kendall
to bring some plates round?

The whole house will
be fast asleep in seconds.

And yet, she comes out on top tonight.

So, let's hear it for our
winner, Sarah Kendall!