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(lively drumroll)
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("When Johnny Comes Marching
Home")
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- [Reporter] It's
Support the Troops Week
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00:00:19,787 --> 00:00:21,153
here in Wilmington, Ohio.
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00:00:21,155 --> 00:00:22,554
Plus it's Homecoming weekend
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00:00:22,556 --> 00:00:24,523
for Wilmington's
Fighting Quakers.
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00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:26,625
And don't forget the
big county Corn Festival
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00:00:26,627 --> 00:00:28,327
is just around the corner.
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00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:31,864
- If this is any indication
of how Mr. Trump's gonna do,
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00:00:31,866 --> 00:00:34,900
it's gonna be a
landslide for Trump.
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00:00:34,902 --> 00:00:36,201
- [Reporter] Also
a reminder about
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00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:38,070
that big Wilmington gun festival
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00:00:38,072 --> 00:00:39,838
which is going to be held
at the Roberts Center
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00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:41,240
at the end of the month.
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00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:43,375
- You wanna see my 357?
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- A lot of people say
that Trump is a clown.
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He won't be when he's president.
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00:00:48,115 --> 00:00:51,216
- Around here, I ain't
heard nobody for Clinton.
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00:00:51,218 --> 00:00:52,584
- [Reporter] And
speaking of guns,
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00:00:52,586 --> 00:00:54,853
and the people who want
to take them away from us,
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00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:57,322
controversial
filmmaker Michael Moore
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00:00:57,324 --> 00:01:01,126
will perform a one man show
tonight at the Murphy Theater.
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00:01:01,128 --> 00:01:03,328
- Trump lost $914
million dollars,
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00:01:03,330 --> 00:01:05,898
but he got out of a lot
of taxes for that, too,
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00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:08,667
so probably just a good idea.
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00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:10,602
- You know, he didn't
get it handed down to him
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00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:13,305
like Hillary did
from her parents.
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- [Reporter] Ohio Republicans
have tried to block
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Moore from performing
in the state,
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with one local leader
threatening to cut public funds
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for the theater if
the show goes on.
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- I think it's gonna be close,
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and I think that Hillary's
going to have dead people vote.
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00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:28,787
(laughs)
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00:01:28,789 --> 00:01:30,689
- [Reporter] There's no word
from the theater's benefactor
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Conservative icon Glenn Beck
where he stands on the issue.
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- Michael Moore needs
to go a little right.
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00:01:37,164 --> 00:01:40,933
- (laughs) He needs
to go a little right.
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- He needs to go to the right.
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- We put the word out,
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we wanted all types of
people to come here tonight.
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Do we have anybody here
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who's thinking about
voting for Donald Trump?
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(audience applauds)
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Good, thank you, welcome.
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And how many people here
are voting for Hillary?
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(audience applauds)
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00:02:02,189 --> 00:02:05,491
Wow, so we've got a
good mix here tonight.
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00:02:05,493 --> 00:02:07,559
Trump voters, we've
got Hillary voters,
50
00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:10,162
we've got people who aren't
sure who they're gonna vote for,
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00:02:10,164 --> 00:02:12,664
we've got people who
aren't gonna vote at all.
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00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:13,866
How about third party people.
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00:02:13,868 --> 00:02:17,436
Anybody voting for a
third party candidate?
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00:02:17,438 --> 00:02:19,338
Can I ask you where Aleppo is?
55
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(audience laughs)
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Just kidding, just kidding.
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The only thing you need
to know about Wilmington,
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it's the birthplace
of the banana split.
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How about that, huh?
(audience applauds)
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Hold the nuts!
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(audience laughs)
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Well, Wilmington, Ohio here
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is the county seat of
Clinton County, Ohio.
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The irony was not lost on me,
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probably from the first
minute I entered this town.
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It may be called Clinton County,
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but it's not Clinton country.
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Alright?
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I mean seriously.
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Trump got four times
as many votes here
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than Hillary did in the primary.
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(light smattering of applause)
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Right?
74
00:03:04,485 --> 00:03:06,218
I mean I think in
part it's because
75
00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:08,887
the people who are
more conservative,
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00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:11,957
Republicans, Trump
voters, whatever,
77
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:16,261
It's something I actually
admire about conservatives.
78
00:03:16,263 --> 00:03:18,630
You have the courage
of your convictions.
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You are relentless.
80
00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:23,202
You're like, "This
is the way I believe!
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"Damnnit, that's it!"
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00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:28,574
and we're like, "Well,
I, I don't know,
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"I could think about it
a little bit and maybe."
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(crowd laughs)
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00:03:35,115 --> 00:03:37,349
You know, these Trump
voters, my friends,
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00:03:37,351 --> 00:03:41,253
are gonna be up at five in
the morning on Election Day.
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00:03:41,255 --> 00:03:44,656
They're up at five
in the morning a lot.
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The only time we see
five in the morning
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00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:48,360
is when we've been up
partying all night.
90
00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:50,462
That's five in the
morning, yeah right.
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00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:53,065
(audience applauds)
92
00:03:53,067 --> 00:03:54,399
Come on, everybody
in here has got
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00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:57,035
a conservative in
the family, right?
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Many of you brought that
person with you tonight.
95
00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:02,774
A brother, a father, an uncle,
96
00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:05,711
a brother-in-law, a sister,
97
00:04:06,380 --> 00:04:10,816
not a sister, I know, I
just threw that in there.
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00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:14,019
And they are the organized
one in the family.
99
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:16,788
They never lose their car keys.
100
00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,657
The conservatives, they've
got little hooks in the,
101
00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:21,793
by the back door, with
a label on each hook.
102
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:26,031
That's my Beamer key,
that's my F-150 key,
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00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:29,635
that's the key for the car
Mathew McConaughey drives.
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(audience laughs)
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Our side, we're like,
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00:04:33,641 --> 00:04:36,608
this is how we, this
is how we sound.
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00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,176
This is how we sound,
108
00:04:38,178 --> 00:04:41,413
"So, uh, where do you
want to go eat tonight?"
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00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:43,081
"I don't care, where
do you want to go?"
110
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:45,784
"I don't know, wherever
you want to go."
111
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:48,186
"No, no, no you
picked last time."
112
00:04:48,188 --> 00:04:50,155
"No, seriously
wherever you want."
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00:04:50,157 --> 00:04:51,757
This is right?
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00:04:51,759 --> 00:04:53,125
Like the conservative,
they're like,
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00:04:53,127 --> 00:04:56,561
"Get in the car, we're
going to Outback!
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00:04:56,563 --> 00:04:57,929
"Get in there!"
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(crowd laughing and applause)
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00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,834
Decisive, organized, discipline!
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00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:07,739
You've got to admire
that about them.
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00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:09,308
(audience laughs)
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00:05:09,310 --> 00:05:11,843
No but, all kidding aside, as
it says out on the marquee,
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Trump voters welcome
here tonight.
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00:05:14,148 --> 00:05:15,514
And I really wanted to invite
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00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:18,183
people who are thinking of
voting for Donald Trump,
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00:05:18,185 --> 00:05:19,951
might be leaning toward Trump.
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00:05:19,953 --> 00:05:22,421
So, I just wanna, as
a gesture of good will
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00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:25,357
to those of you who are thinking
of voting for Donald Trump,
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00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:28,694
tonight I've done something
to make you comfortable
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00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:31,730
in here amongst these
liberals, and Bernie voters,
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00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:34,700
and third-party people, and
undecideds and whatever,
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00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:37,152
and on the way in,
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00:05:37,153 --> 00:05:39,603
you might have noticed
the ushers asked Mexicans,
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00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:42,941
and Mexican-Americans
who were coming in
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00:05:42,943 --> 00:05:45,410
if they would sit in a
special Mexican section.
135
00:05:45,412 --> 00:05:47,746
We've segregated
them out for you.
136
00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:50,949
Where, oh there
you are over there.
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We gave them their
own little, what?
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00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:55,687
She said she's from Guatemala.
139
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,255
Close enough.
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00:05:57,257 --> 00:06:00,525
It's, it's just so the Trump
people wouldn't be nervous
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00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:02,294
we made it Mexican
or Mexican-looking.
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00:06:02,296 --> 00:06:03,695
(audience laughs)
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00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:04,896
All right?
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00:06:04,898 --> 00:06:07,032
And during the show tonight
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00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:09,368
our production assistants
will be building
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00:06:09,370 --> 00:06:13,638
a symbolic wall around
them in the balcony.
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00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:15,440
Don't worry you will
be able to get out.
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00:06:15,442 --> 00:06:17,976
You will have to pay to get out
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00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:20,345
of the wall at the
end of the show.
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00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:22,881
And as an added gesture
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we have placed any person that
was Muslim or Muslim looking
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00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:29,688
in their own section
here in the back.
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Are the Muslims up there?
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00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:33,425
Here we go Muslims!
155
00:06:33,427 --> 00:06:35,994
(cheering)
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00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:37,129
There they are.
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00:06:37,131 --> 00:06:39,431
Muslims, Muslim-Americans.
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00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:41,233
Right, let's hear it for them.
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00:06:41,235 --> 00:06:42,801
They're Americans.
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00:06:45,139 --> 00:06:47,739
But just so, just so
that the Trump people
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aren't too nervous
about you being in here,
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we are going to fly
a drone above them
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00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:54,346
right within the theater here.
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They're no weapons on the
drone, we're nonviolent,
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just cameras, so
we'll be able to know,
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00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:00,919
you know, to just
check in on you
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00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,821
to see how you're doing when,
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00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:04,389
what you're up to.
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00:07:05,292 --> 00:07:08,560
Now I see the shoulders of
the Trump guy back there,
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00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:09,928
he's already relaxed.
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00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:10,996
So, see?
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00:07:10,998 --> 00:07:12,364
We've got it covered for you.
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00:07:12,366 --> 00:07:13,698
That's what I was willing to do
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00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:16,835
so that you would
come here tonight.
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00:07:16,837 --> 00:07:18,437
I'll tell you one thing
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00:07:18,439 --> 00:07:21,006
if this eases your mind at all,
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00:07:21,008 --> 00:07:23,875
I have never voted
for Hillary Clinton.
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00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:26,912
I voted for Obama in
the primary in 2008,
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00:07:26,914 --> 00:07:30,615
and I voted for Bernie
in the primary this year.
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00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:32,584
I actually never voted for Bill.
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00:07:32,586 --> 00:07:35,787
Back then I think I
voted for Nader in '96
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00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:38,457
and '92 was probably
a third party thing
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00:07:38,459 --> 00:07:39,858
because Clinton was just too,
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00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,660
he was a very
conservative Democrat.
185
00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:44,196
So I've never really
voted for Hillary.
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00:07:44,198 --> 00:07:46,364
I am not a Hillary voter.
187
00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:51,536
Thank you, thank you,
you can applaud that.
188
00:07:51,538 --> 00:07:53,538
You know we're all
Americans, right?
189
00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:55,140
Let's just start there.
190
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:57,576
Regardless who we're
voting for, right?
191
00:07:57,578 --> 00:07:58,677
(audience applauds)
192
00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:00,745
We're all in the same boat,
193
00:08:00,747 --> 00:08:02,647
and we're gonna sink
or swim together.
194
00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:05,283
And I'd rather we swim.
195
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:08,386
Because I believe we have more
things in common than not.
196
00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:10,355
We, we believe in
the same things.
197
00:08:10,357 --> 00:08:13,058
First of all we want the best
schools for our kids, right?
198
00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:14,292
Trump voters?
199
00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:15,460
Right?
200
00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:16,828
Right?
201
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:19,030
You want the best schools
for your kids, that's not,
202
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:20,599
I know, I know there's a rule,
203
00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:23,568
don't agree with Michael
Moore on anything,
204
00:08:23,570 --> 00:08:28,039
but I'm, I'm trying to come
out and meet you halfway.
205
00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:30,709
And the things we
don't agree on,
206
00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:33,311
alright, you love your guns.
207
00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:35,413
I don't want a gun,
I don't get a gun.
208
00:08:35,415 --> 00:08:36,915
I won't get one.
209
00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:39,251
You don't believe in abortion.
210
00:08:39,253 --> 00:08:40,418
Okay, sir?
211
00:08:40,420 --> 00:08:42,654
Do not have an abortion.
212
00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:45,957
Don't, if you are against
it, don't get one.
213
00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:47,792
Who doesn't like the
Supreme Court's decision
214
00:08:47,794 --> 00:08:49,761
on gay marriage in here?
215
00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:51,196
You don't support it.
216
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,397
Right? Right.
217
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:53,532
Anybody else back there?
218
00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:54,699
Sir?
219
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:55,767
Okay, sir?
220
00:08:55,769 --> 00:08:58,603
Then don't get gay married.
221
00:08:58,605 --> 00:08:59,504
Right?
222
00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:02,073
It's like, if,
223
00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:06,845
if two gay people
want to get married,
224
00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:09,164
let them be married.
225
00:09:09,165 --> 00:09:11,482
You don't want to be gay,
trust me, you wont like it.
226
00:09:11,485 --> 00:09:13,802
Alright?
227
00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:16,120
It won't, it won't feel
good, it won't look good.
228
00:09:16,123 --> 00:09:18,957
(audience laughs)
229
00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:23,395
I'm convinced that will
end up in gay divorce,
230
00:09:23,397 --> 00:09:24,963
which isn't even legal yet!
231
00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:27,265
They only legalized
gay marriage.
232
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,501
They forgot to
legalize gay divorce!
233
00:09:29,503 --> 00:09:31,369
I don't even know
what that looks like!
234
00:09:31,371 --> 00:09:34,272
(audience laughs)
235
00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:38,410
So I met one of the
five Democrats in town.
236
00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:39,811
(audience laughs)
237
00:09:39,813 --> 00:09:41,279
And he comes up to me yesterday
238
00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:43,949
and he goes, "Mike, Mike,
we got to do something
239
00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:45,684
"about the millennials.
240
00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:47,552
"They're, they're not gonna
vote, they're not voting.
241
00:09:47,554 --> 00:09:50,622
"What are we gonna do
about the millennials?"
242
00:09:50,624 --> 00:09:52,924
And I said, "Well, nothing.
243
00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:56,861
"We already did something,
we raised them."
244
00:09:56,863 --> 00:09:58,196
That was a lot.
245
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:02,000
We raised this generation,
my generation did, right?
246
00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:05,570
We raised you, those of you
who are millennials in here.
247
00:10:05,572 --> 00:10:08,206
And you turned out,
I think, pretty good.
248
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:10,141
I think your generation is, yes.
249
00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:13,211
(audience applauds)
250
00:10:15,716 --> 00:10:17,482
You're smart.
251
00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:19,417
You come over and change
the ink cartridges
252
00:10:19,419 --> 00:10:20,885
for us in our printers.
253
00:10:20,887 --> 00:10:23,888
(audience laughs)
254
00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:27,792
When we can't get our device
to work, we call you up
255
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:30,228
and you explain to us
how to turn it off,
256
00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:32,030
then turn it back on,
257
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:36,368
and it magically works
again every time.
258
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:39,404
And you're not haters.
259
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:41,272
This is a generation
of non-haters.
260
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:42,941
Have you noticed that?
261
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:47,912
I mean really the majority,
(audience applauds)
262
00:10:47,914 --> 00:10:50,815
the majority of
18 to 35 year olds
263
00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:55,887
are, you know, they
don't hate people
264
00:10:55,889 --> 00:10:58,023
because of their skin color,
265
00:10:58,025 --> 00:10:59,290
or because they're in love
266
00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:01,459
with someone of
their same gender.
267
00:11:01,461 --> 00:11:03,328
I don't see it and it
makes me feel really good
268
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:05,764
that we did something right.
269
00:11:05,766 --> 00:11:08,800
So I said to this guy, I
said, "Really, I don't,
270
00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:13,104
"I don't think it's on us
to do something about them.
271
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:16,041
"Because they didn't
create climate change,
272
00:11:16,043 --> 00:11:18,576
"they didn't send
the troops to Iraq.
273
00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:20,278
"You know, millennials
didn't cause
274
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,113
"the Wall Street collapse.
275
00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:24,883
"Why is it on them to fix our
276
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:28,453
"shitty situation that
we've handed them?"
277
00:11:29,656 --> 00:11:30,755
I mean seriously.
278
00:11:30,757 --> 00:11:31,656
I mean.
279
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:37,996
I mean, there's something
about when you're that age
280
00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:40,899
and you're rebellious, and
I want you to be that way.
281
00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:43,001
I don't want you compromising.
282
00:11:43,003 --> 00:11:47,405
You got plenty of time in
the real world to compromise.
283
00:11:47,407 --> 00:11:48,506
The rest of your life
284
00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:51,042
you'll have plenty
of time to compromise
285
00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:55,113
and be in some shitty
job that you can't stand,
286
00:11:55,115 --> 00:11:58,683
you know, to be in
some loveless marriage,
287
00:11:59,686 --> 00:12:01,586
why be that way at 19?
288
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:05,890
Just don't compromise,
289
00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:08,226
but also understand too,
290
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,561
that sometimes,
291
00:12:10,564 --> 00:12:13,965
sometimes we have to take
some medicine to get better.
292
00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:16,534
And taking medicine isn't
really a compromise,
293
00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:18,636
it's a smart thing to do.
294
00:12:18,638 --> 00:12:20,872
So you'll know what to do.
295
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:24,676
It's not the kids
I'm worried about.
296
00:12:24,678 --> 00:12:26,444
The kids are alright.
297
00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:28,580
It's the angry white guy.
298
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,516
His days are numbered.
299
00:12:31,518 --> 00:12:33,418
Total number of white guys
300
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:37,655
over the age of 35 now in
the United States, 19%.
301
00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:41,559
That's all we are guys.
302
00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:43,228
(audience applauds)
303
00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:44,696
Hey!
304
00:12:44,698 --> 00:12:45,597
Hey!
305
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:48,666
What, they're
cheering our demise,
306
00:12:48,668 --> 00:12:50,835
(audience laughs)
307
00:12:50,837 --> 00:12:52,871
our extinction!
308
00:12:52,873 --> 00:12:55,406
That's what's going on
here, you know that right?
309
00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:57,308
We know it, we guys know it.
310
00:12:57,310 --> 00:12:58,910
We know it's over for us.
311
00:12:58,912 --> 00:13:01,746
We had a good run, 10,000
years wasn't bad, right guys?
312
00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:03,114
Right?
313
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:06,584
(audience applauds)
314
00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:08,820
And now here we are
in the 21st century.
315
00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:10,155
For the first time ever,
316
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:12,957
there are now more single
women than married women,
317
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:14,626
you aware of this?
318
00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:16,494
(audience applauds)
319
00:13:16,496 --> 00:13:18,696
Yes, see that guys?
320
00:13:18,698 --> 00:13:22,133
Yeah, because they
don't need us.
321
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,701
They can be single now.
322
00:13:23,703 --> 00:13:25,069
100 years ago, they
couldn't be single.
323
00:13:25,071 --> 00:13:27,872
We had laws that wouldn't
allow them to own property,
324
00:13:27,874 --> 00:13:31,342
or have a bank account,
or get divorced, right?
325
00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:32,544
They couldn't sue in court.
326
00:13:32,546 --> 00:13:33,912
There are all these laws.
327
00:13:33,914 --> 00:13:36,114
Check this out, if
you don't know this.
328
00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:40,118
There were a long list of
laws that prohibited women
329
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:41,986
from doing the basic things
330
00:13:41,988 --> 00:13:44,289
that somebody should
be able to do.
331
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:45,890
But now they don't need us.
332
00:13:45,892 --> 00:13:48,293
We used to be useful
for something, right?
333
00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:50,895
Well we're needed to
keep the species going.
334
00:13:50,897 --> 00:13:52,931
That was our most important job.
335
00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:54,299
What else were we good for?
336
00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:57,001
Getting something
off the top shelf.
337
00:13:57,003 --> 00:14:01,139
Except now, they've invented
in vitro fertilization,
338
00:14:01,141 --> 00:14:03,308
and the portable
aluminum stepladder.
339
00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:05,643
(audience laughs)
340
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:06,878
You don't need us!
341
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:10,114
You don't need us
for orgasms anymore.
342
00:14:10,116 --> 00:14:12,317
Guys, you know they don't
need us for that, right?
343
00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:14,686
(audience laughs)
344
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:16,487
Somebody put out a
book like 30 years ago,
345
00:14:16,489 --> 00:14:19,224
"Our Bodies, Ourselves",
taught women things
346
00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:23,828
that God knows they
shouldn't have been taught.
347
00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:27,131
If Hillary wins, if
the women take over,
348
00:14:27,133 --> 00:14:29,634
and because they don't need us,
349
00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:31,569
so you know what this
is gonna lead to?
350
00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:33,705
There are gonna be
internment camps for men.
351
00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:36,875
(audience laughs)
352
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:38,810
And Hillary will have
all her you know,
353
00:14:38,812 --> 00:14:42,547
Wellesley students there,
with her clipboards,
354
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:45,783
checking us in to
the internment camp.
355
00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:48,319
They've got to pick out a few
to keep the species going.
356
00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:49,420
Who are they going to pick?
357
00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:51,990
The smart ones, and
the good-looking ones.
358
00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:53,592
So all right,
359
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:55,193
already I'm looking at the
faces of the guys here.
360
00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:57,629
They already know
they're in the camp.
361
00:14:57,631 --> 00:14:59,631
We're all in line, we're
gonna be in line there,
362
00:14:59,633 --> 00:15:03,034
"You in there in the camp,
yes you, keep going, you, you.
363
00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:03,935
"Oh, you.
364
00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:06,604
"over here."
365
00:15:06,606 --> 00:15:09,607
(audience laughs)
366
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:11,109
The guys will go, "Oh
just 'cause he's got
367
00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:13,711
"a good six pack for the abs?
368
00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:15,947
"I was gonna start going
to the gym last month."
369
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:17,582
"Well, you should've
fucking gone,
370
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:19,751
"because now you're
going to the camp.
371
00:15:19,753 --> 00:15:21,786
"Don't worry, there's
gonna be lots of gyms
372
00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:23,421
"in the guy camps."
373
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:27,759
And that's why they're so upset.
374
00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,227
You've seen them at
the rallies, right?
375
00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:31,963
These guys at the Trump
rallies, they're like,
376
00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:35,066
(roars)
377
00:15:39,806 --> 00:15:42,941
It's the sound of
the dying dinosaur.
378
00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:46,778
(mournful roars)
379
00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:53,084
The signs are
everywhere to them,
380
00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:55,920
the women are taking over.
381
00:15:55,922 --> 00:15:58,890
There's now more women that
go to college than men?
382
00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:01,659
There's more women in
law school than men.
383
00:16:01,661 --> 00:16:05,563
(audience applauds)
Whoa, no!
384
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:10,601
I predict anthropologists,
they will note the moment
385
00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:12,437
it happened, when it was clear,
386
00:16:12,439 --> 00:16:14,005
the men were on their way out
387
00:16:14,007 --> 00:16:15,640
and the women were
on their way in
388
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:18,109
and it was the Superbowl
this past year.
389
00:16:18,111 --> 00:16:19,610
You know, it's
the halftime show,
390
00:16:19,612 --> 00:16:21,646
Coldplay is playing one
of their nice songs,
391
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:26,150
¶ Ooh, I love you,
I love, ooh, ooh
392
00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:27,719
And then Bruno Mars came on,
393
00:16:27,721 --> 00:16:29,854
and then that sort of
confused a lot of guys
394
00:16:29,856 --> 00:16:31,189
watching the halftime show.
395
00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:32,924
"Ooh, what is this?"
396
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:36,227
And then all of a sudden,
397
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:37,695
right in the middle
of Bruno's song,
398
00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:42,100
out comes Beyonce and 500
women in these uniforms,
399
00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:44,635
with their fists
clenched enraged,
400
00:16:44,637 --> 00:16:48,873
and their shit-kicking
boots on, taking the field.
401
00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:51,943
No, it was like, oh my,
402
00:16:51,945 --> 00:16:55,213
wait that's our game,
what's she doing here?
403
00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:58,349
(audience applauds)
404
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,520
That's where we're ending
up, and guys know it.
405
00:17:02,522 --> 00:17:05,056
And that's why they're
at the Trump rallies.
406
00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:06,391
That's why you hear that sound,
407
00:17:06,393 --> 00:17:09,394
(mournful roaring)
408
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:15,600
"Donald, save us!"
409
00:17:16,436 --> 00:17:18,970
"The women are coming!"
410
00:17:18,972 --> 00:17:19,804
"The women are,"
411
00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:22,040
"Hillary is Genghis Khan!"
412
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:25,543
"It's all over."
413
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:30,014
It doesn't feel good.
414
00:17:30,016 --> 00:17:32,817
Eight years of a
black president.
415
00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:36,788
Okay, we got through that.
416
00:17:36,790 --> 00:17:40,525
Now it's gonna be eight
years of a woman president?
417
00:17:40,527 --> 00:17:44,529
No, no, no!
418
00:17:45,065 --> 00:17:48,733
No, because, no, because you
know what happens after that?
419
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:51,702
It's gonna be eight
years of the gays!
420
00:17:51,704 --> 00:17:53,838
We'll have a gay president!
421
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:54,739
No!
422
00:17:57,577 --> 00:18:02,413
And you know what comes
after that, the transgenders.
423
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:05,149
Eight years of a transgender
in the White House,
424
00:18:05,151 --> 00:18:07,852
you're not gonna know
which bathroom to use!
425
00:18:07,854 --> 00:18:10,154
(audience laughs)
426
00:18:10,156 --> 00:18:11,456
What's left after that?
427
00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:16,094
After they've taken everything
from us white straight guys?
428
00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:18,796
Oh, the animal rights people.
429
00:18:18,798 --> 00:18:21,532
PETA will take over
the White House.
430
00:18:21,534 --> 00:18:24,769
A fucking hamster is gonna
be running this country.
431
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:28,272
A little hamster in the
Oval Office on a wheel.
432
00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:32,543
"Send in the next
congressman" (maniacal laugh)
433
00:18:32,545 --> 00:18:34,979
And finally, mother nature.
434
00:18:34,981 --> 00:18:38,883
There are now less
boy babies being born.
435
00:18:38,885 --> 00:18:41,619
Mother nature has
looked at the situation,
436
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:45,389
has decided that men
are bad for the planet.
437
00:18:45,391 --> 00:18:48,793
(audience laughs)
438
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:52,630
No woman has ever
built a smoke stack.
439
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:57,502
No woman has invented an
atomic or a hydrogen bomb.
440
00:18:57,504 --> 00:19:03,207
And no women, no girls go into
schools and shoot them up.
441
00:19:03,209 --> 00:19:04,742
Not a single one of
these school shootings
442
00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:06,177
are girls, are they?
443
00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:07,879
How can that be?
444
00:19:07,881 --> 00:19:09,647
Think about that.
445
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,582
It's like, and it's not
just school shootings,
446
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:15,219
it's like women generally
don't shoot you.
447
00:19:15,221 --> 00:19:17,388
(audience laughs)
448
00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:19,157
Unless you deserve it.
449
00:19:19,159 --> 00:19:20,391
(audience applauds)
450
00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:23,227
I mean, usually,
451
00:19:24,164 --> 00:19:27,465
when a woman shoots her
husband or her boyfriend,
452
00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:30,301
some thought has gone into it.
453
00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:33,304
(audience laughs)
454
00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:35,239
That's actually true
with most crimes.
455
00:19:35,241 --> 00:19:37,975
How many female
arsonists are there?
456
00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:39,043
Or burglars?
457
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:41,479
Or rapists?
458
00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:43,681
Or, I mean you go down
the whole list of crimes.
459
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:47,919
We're actually quite safe
from 51% of the population.
460
00:19:47,921 --> 00:19:49,053
Right?
461
00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:50,621
I mean it's like.
462
00:19:52,759 --> 00:19:55,793
When you, when you
leave here tonight
463
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:59,997
and wander out onto the dark
streets of Wilmington, Ohio,
464
00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:02,667
it's a rough town out there,
but you know, it's dark.
465
00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:06,204
You're on a dark street, you're
just a little more aware.
466
00:20:06,206 --> 00:20:08,673
What are you being aware of?
467
00:20:08,675 --> 00:20:12,577
A woman gonna jump out of the
bushes and stab you to death?
468
00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:14,212
Is a woman gonna mug you?
469
00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:17,682
Whatever you're afraid
of, does not wear a dress.
470
00:20:17,684 --> 00:20:19,584
(audience laughs)
471
00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:21,018
Or a pantsuit.
472
00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:25,122
(audience laughs and applauds)
473
00:20:25,124 --> 00:20:26,490
Oh man, see but that's,
474
00:20:26,492 --> 00:20:30,027
you must understand
the Trump voter.
475
00:20:30,029 --> 00:20:34,265
These are legitimate
concerns, legitimate concerns.
476
00:20:37,170 --> 00:20:38,436
And I think, you know,
477
00:20:38,438 --> 00:20:40,471
we're laughing a lot
about this stuff,
478
00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:43,207
and thank you Trump
voters for letting us
479
00:20:43,209 --> 00:20:46,043
have a little bit of
laughter over this.
480
00:20:46,045 --> 00:20:48,946
But I actually wrote
something today
481
00:20:48,948 --> 00:20:52,883
while I was sitting here at
the official hotel of the,
482
00:20:52,885 --> 00:20:54,785
of the Murphy Theater,
483
00:20:56,256 --> 00:20:57,855
the Holiday Inn Express.
484
00:20:57,857 --> 00:20:59,490
And ah...
485
00:21:00,326 --> 00:21:02,393
Can I read this to
you, do you mind if I,
486
00:21:02,395 --> 00:21:04,762
I just wrote this,
I just want to,
487
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,931
I want to read it to you.
488
00:21:09,836 --> 00:21:13,237
Because I know a lot
of people in Michigan
489
00:21:13,239 --> 00:21:15,573
that are planning
to vote for Trump.
490
00:21:15,575 --> 00:21:17,408
And, um, they're not,
491
00:21:18,511 --> 00:21:21,779
they don't necessarily
like him that much,
492
00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:24,782
and they don't necessarily
agree with him.
493
00:21:24,784 --> 00:21:27,652
They're not racist
and rednecks and,
494
00:21:27,654 --> 00:21:30,655
they're actually
pretty decent people.
495
00:21:30,657 --> 00:21:32,156
And so I wanted to sort of,
496
00:21:32,158 --> 00:21:34,258
after talking to a number of
them, I wanted to sort of,
497
00:21:34,260 --> 00:21:36,594
I wanted to write this and,
498
00:21:37,830 --> 00:21:42,199
Donald Trump came to the
Detroit Economic Club,
499
00:21:42,201 --> 00:21:46,103
and stood there in front of
the Ford Motor executives
500
00:21:46,105 --> 00:21:50,274
and said, "If you
close these factories
501
00:21:50,276 --> 00:21:52,276
"as you're planning
to do in Detroit,
502
00:21:52,278 --> 00:21:54,679
"and build them in Mexico,
503
00:21:54,681 --> 00:21:58,382
"I'm going to put a 35%
tariff on those cars
504
00:21:58,384 --> 00:22:01,585
"when you send them back, and
nobody is going to buy them."
505
00:22:01,587 --> 00:22:03,854
It was an amazing thing to see.
506
00:22:03,856 --> 00:22:07,224
No politician,
Republican or Democrat,
507
00:22:07,226 --> 00:22:11,329
had ever said anything like
that to these executives.
508
00:22:11,331 --> 00:22:13,764
And it was music to the ears
509
00:22:13,766 --> 00:22:17,468
of people in Michigan, and
Ohio, and Pennsylvania,
510
00:22:17,470 --> 00:22:21,105
and Wisconsin,
the Brexit states.
511
00:22:21,107 --> 00:22:24,241
(audience laughs quietly)
512
00:22:24,243 --> 00:22:26,877
You live here in Ohio, you
know what I'm talking about.
513
00:22:26,879 --> 00:22:28,579
Whether Trump means it or not
514
00:22:28,581 --> 00:22:31,282
is kind of irrelevant,
because he's saying the things
515
00:22:31,284 --> 00:22:33,517
to people who are hurting.
516
00:22:34,354 --> 00:22:37,188
And it's why every
beaten down, nameless,
517
00:22:37,190 --> 00:22:39,890
forgotten working stiff,
who used to be part of
518
00:22:39,892 --> 00:22:42,860
what was called the
middle class, loves Trump.
519
00:22:42,862 --> 00:22:45,896
He is the human Molotov cocktail
520
00:22:45,898 --> 00:22:48,466
that they've been waiting for.
521
00:22:49,335 --> 00:22:51,869
The human hand grenade
that they can legally throw
522
00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:55,773
into the system that stole
their lives from them.
523
00:22:55,775 --> 00:22:59,110
And on November
8th, Election Day,
524
00:22:59,112 --> 00:23:01,679
although they've
lost their jobs,
525
00:23:01,681 --> 00:23:04,315
although they've been
foreclosed on by the bank,
526
00:23:04,317 --> 00:23:07,351
next came the divorce, and now
the wife and kids are gone,
527
00:23:07,353 --> 00:23:08,986
the car's been repo'ed,
528
00:23:08,988 --> 00:23:11,655
they haven't had a
real vacation in years,
529
00:23:11,657 --> 00:23:14,525
they're stuck with the
shitty Obamacare bronze plan,
530
00:23:14,527 --> 00:23:18,095
where you can't even
get a fucking Percocet,
531
00:23:18,097 --> 00:23:21,932
they've essentially lost
everything they had,
532
00:23:22,835 --> 00:23:24,301
except one thing.
533
00:23:26,072 --> 00:23:29,140
The one thing that
doesn't cost them a cent,
534
00:23:29,142 --> 00:23:32,543
and is guaranteed to them by
the American Constitution,
535
00:23:32,545 --> 00:23:34,111
the right to vote.
536
00:23:36,282 --> 00:23:38,949
They might be penniless,
they might be homeless,
537
00:23:38,951 --> 00:23:40,985
they might be fucked
over and fucked up.
538
00:23:40,987 --> 00:23:45,222
It doesn't matter, because
it's equalized on that day.
539
00:23:46,025 --> 00:23:49,059
A millionaire has the
same number of votes
540
00:23:49,061 --> 00:23:51,862
as the person
without a job, one.
541
00:23:52,799 --> 00:23:55,800
And there's more of
the former middle class
542
00:23:55,802 --> 00:23:58,969
than there are in the
millionaire class.
543
00:23:58,971 --> 00:24:00,638
So on November 8th,
544
00:24:01,574 --> 00:24:05,176
the dispossessed will walk
into the voting booth,
545
00:24:05,178 --> 00:24:07,778
be handed a ballot,
close the curtain,
546
00:24:07,780 --> 00:24:11,048
and take that lever, or
felt pen, or touch screen,
547
00:24:11,050 --> 00:24:14,285
and put a big
fucking X in the box
548
00:24:14,287 --> 00:24:17,521
by the name of the man who
has threatened to upend
549
00:24:17,523 --> 00:24:19,957
and overturn the very system
550
00:24:19,959 --> 00:24:22,359
that has ruined their lives,
551
00:24:24,163 --> 00:24:25,563
Donald J. Trump.
552
00:24:28,334 --> 00:24:32,570
They see that the elites who
ruined their lives hate Trump.
553
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,507
Corporate America hates Trump.
554
00:24:36,509 --> 00:24:38,209
Wall Street hates Trump.
555
00:24:38,211 --> 00:24:40,744
The career politicians
hate Trump.
556
00:24:40,746 --> 00:24:43,147
The media hates Trump,
557
00:24:43,149 --> 00:24:46,283
after they loved
him and created him,
558
00:24:46,285 --> 00:24:49,587
and now hate him,
thank you media.
559
00:24:49,589 --> 00:24:53,057
The enemy of my enemy is who
I'm voting for on November 8th.
560
00:24:56,829 --> 00:25:00,364
Yes, on November
8th, you, Joe Blow,
561
00:25:00,366 --> 00:25:03,834
Steve Blow, Bob
Blow, Billy Blow,
562
00:25:03,836 --> 00:25:07,104
Billy Bob Blow, all the Blows,
563
00:25:07,106 --> 00:25:08,806
get to go and blow up
564
00:25:08,808 --> 00:25:13,043
the whole goddamn system,
because it's your right.
565
00:25:16,816 --> 00:25:20,451
Trump's election is going
to be the biggest fuck you
566
00:25:20,453 --> 00:25:23,120
ever recorded in human history.
567
00:25:25,491 --> 00:25:27,424
And it will feel
568
00:25:28,361 --> 00:25:29,760
good.
569
00:25:32,298 --> 00:25:33,163
For a day.
570
00:25:34,934 --> 00:25:36,066
Maybe a week.
571
00:25:37,770 --> 00:25:39,270
Possibly a month.
572
00:25:40,273 --> 00:25:42,439
And then, like the Brits,
573
00:25:43,809 --> 00:25:46,844
who wanted to send a message
574
00:25:46,846 --> 00:25:49,547
so they voted to leave Europe
575
00:25:49,549 --> 00:25:52,216
only to find out that if
you vote to leave Europe
576
00:25:52,218 --> 00:25:54,785
you actually have
to leave Europe.
577
00:25:54,787 --> 00:25:56,921
(audience laughs)
578
00:25:56,923 --> 00:25:59,657
And now they regret it.
579
00:25:59,659 --> 00:26:03,827
All the Ohioans,
Pennsylvanians, Michiganders,
580
00:26:03,829 --> 00:26:07,965
and Wisconsinites of
middle England, right?
581
00:26:07,967 --> 00:26:09,800
They all voted to leave
582
00:26:09,802 --> 00:26:11,268
and now they regret it
583
00:26:11,270 --> 00:26:14,405
and over four million of
them have signed a petition
584
00:26:14,407 --> 00:26:16,574
to have a do-over.
585
00:26:16,576 --> 00:26:18,108
They want another election.
586
00:26:18,110 --> 00:26:19,276
It ain't gonna happen
587
00:26:19,278 --> 00:26:21,745
because you used the ballot
588
00:26:21,747 --> 00:26:24,148
as an anger management tool.
589
00:26:27,887 --> 00:26:30,454
And now you're fucked.
590
00:26:30,456 --> 00:26:32,823
And the rest of Europe,
the rest of Europe,
591
00:26:32,825 --> 00:26:35,092
they're like, "Bye Felicia."
592
00:26:35,094 --> 00:26:38,896
(audience laughs and claps)
593
00:26:41,934 --> 00:26:44,802
So when the rightfully
angry people of Ohio,
594
00:26:44,804 --> 00:26:47,938
and Michigan, and
Pennsylvania, and Wisconsin
595
00:26:47,940 --> 00:26:50,207
find out after a few
months in office,
596
00:26:50,209 --> 00:26:51,842
that President Trump
wasn't going to do
597
00:26:51,844 --> 00:26:54,612
a damned thing for them,
598
00:26:54,614 --> 00:26:58,449
it will be too late to
do anything about it.
599
00:26:58,451 --> 00:27:00,084
But I get it.
600
00:27:00,086 --> 00:27:02,853
You wanted to send a message.
601
00:27:02,855 --> 00:27:04,455
You had righteous anger
602
00:27:04,457 --> 00:27:06,357
and justifiable anger.
603
00:27:08,294 --> 00:27:09,960
Well, message sent.
604
00:27:13,165 --> 00:27:15,366
Goodnight America.
605
00:27:15,368 --> 00:27:19,603
You've just elected the last
president of the United States.
606
00:27:21,907 --> 00:27:25,142
(news station jingle)
607
00:27:27,179 --> 00:27:28,812
- Good evening, Terri Hardesty
608
00:27:28,814 --> 00:27:30,714
reporting from our
nation's capital.
609
00:27:30,716 --> 00:27:32,850
Donald J.Trump
was sworn in today
610
00:27:32,852 --> 00:27:35,853
as the 45th president
of the United States.
611
00:27:35,855 --> 00:27:38,022
- [Donald] I, Donald J. Trump,
612
00:27:38,024 --> 00:27:39,523
- As some had predicted,
613
00:27:39,525 --> 00:27:41,592
the shit show started
within minutes.
614
00:27:41,594 --> 00:27:42,693
Before the parade,
615
00:27:42,695 --> 00:27:44,528
President Trump ordered
an aerial bombardment
616
00:27:44,530 --> 00:27:46,797
of all Mexican border towns.
617
00:27:46,799 --> 00:27:48,766
(explosions)
618
00:27:48,768 --> 00:27:51,168
The instatement of stop
and frisk checkpoints
619
00:27:51,170 --> 00:27:53,003
at all U.S. inner cities,
620
00:27:53,005 --> 00:27:56,774
and the deportation of Rosie
O'Donnell to American Samoa,
621
00:27:56,776 --> 00:28:00,010
to which Trump replied, "Hey,
it's not really a deportation,
622
00:28:00,012 --> 00:28:02,713
we own the damn fat farm
for Christ's sakes."
623
00:28:02,715 --> 00:28:05,249
The inaugural parade
finally got underway,
624
00:28:05,251 --> 00:28:07,518
but only after President
Trump insisted on
625
00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:10,988
flying over the parade route
in his Trump helicopter
626
00:28:10,990 --> 00:28:13,424
once he learned that he was
expected to get out of his limo
627
00:28:13,426 --> 00:28:15,159
and walk to the White House.
628
00:28:15,161 --> 00:28:17,394
Upon arriving, the
president walked inside
629
00:28:17,396 --> 00:28:20,364
the 200 year old structure,
took a brief look around,
630
00:28:20,366 --> 00:28:22,399
and we have this exclusively,
631
00:28:22,401 --> 00:28:25,469
a recording made by a White
House maid on her cell phone.
632
00:28:49,595 --> 00:28:50,794
- In other news, by day's end,
633
00:28:50,796 --> 00:28:53,163
20 million Americans who
say they voted for Trump
634
00:28:53,165 --> 00:28:55,032
had signed an online petition,
635
00:28:55,034 --> 00:28:57,267
asking for a do-over election.
636
00:28:57,269 --> 00:28:59,636
Finally, this will
be our last broadcast
637
00:28:59,638 --> 00:29:01,271
as the new Trump channel run by
638
00:29:01,273 --> 00:29:03,273
Roger Ailes and Breitbart News,
639
00:29:03,275 --> 00:29:05,342
will be taking over this network
640
00:29:05,344 --> 00:29:08,345
and featuring all reality,
all day, every day.
641
00:29:08,347 --> 00:29:09,980
Trump himself will be hosting
642
00:29:09,982 --> 00:29:12,883
The Real World 1600
Pennsylvania Avenue
643
00:29:12,885 --> 00:29:14,885
and You're Fired, America,
644
00:29:14,887 --> 00:29:17,788
a nightly show where
your job may be next.
645
00:29:17,790 --> 00:29:22,025
I'm Terri Hardesty signing
off, good luck America.
646
00:29:24,396 --> 00:29:27,464
(audience applauds)
647
00:29:32,471 --> 00:29:36,173
Just wanted you to see what
it's going to look like.
648
00:29:36,175 --> 00:29:38,408
Um, so here's my question.
649
00:29:41,447 --> 00:29:44,481
What is our problem
with Hillary?
650
00:29:44,483 --> 00:29:45,382
What's your problem?
651
00:29:45,384 --> 00:29:47,684
What is your problem
with Hillary?
652
00:29:47,686 --> 00:29:49,319
You know, I got my problems.
653
00:29:49,321 --> 00:29:52,689
I can, I'll tell you what
my problem is with her.
654
00:29:52,691 --> 00:29:55,025
She voted for the Iraq war.
655
00:29:56,028 --> 00:29:58,695
She's too cozy with Wall Street.
656
00:29:58,697 --> 00:30:00,931
Those are big ones.
657
00:30:00,933 --> 00:30:04,568
We don't really talk
about the issues, do we?
658
00:30:04,570 --> 00:30:05,736
Whenever they talk
about Hillary,
659
00:30:05,738 --> 00:30:07,504
when anyone talks about
Hillary it's about
660
00:30:07,506 --> 00:30:09,306
how you like her
or don't like her.
661
00:30:09,308 --> 00:30:10,541
And the people that
don't like her,
662
00:30:10,543 --> 00:30:12,910
and that's on the right and
the left, don't like her.
663
00:30:12,912 --> 00:30:14,511
But what is this about
her being likeable?
664
00:30:14,513 --> 00:30:17,815
You're not going to the voting
booth to vote for a friend.
665
00:30:17,817 --> 00:30:18,916
"I want her to be my friend."
666
00:30:18,918 --> 00:30:20,517
No, I don't want
her to be my friend.
667
00:30:20,519 --> 00:30:21,919
I want her to,
668
00:30:21,921 --> 00:30:24,688
I want them not to like
her up on Capitol Hill.
669
00:30:24,690 --> 00:30:26,290
I want the people
she's negotiating with
670
00:30:26,292 --> 00:30:28,292
not to like her.
671
00:30:28,294 --> 00:30:29,660
You don't want
somebody all likable.
672
00:30:29,662 --> 00:30:30,861
"Sure, whatever you say."
673
00:30:30,863 --> 00:30:33,263
"Okay, I'll sign here."
674
00:30:33,265 --> 00:30:35,465
(audience laughs)
675
00:30:35,467 --> 00:30:38,268
What else, what are the
other knocks on Hillary?
676
00:30:38,270 --> 00:30:40,103
Not trustworthy, right?
677
00:30:40,105 --> 00:30:42,072
We hear that a lot,
she's not trustworthy.
678
00:30:42,074 --> 00:30:45,676
How did she prove her
distrust-worthiness to you?
679
00:30:45,678 --> 00:30:47,678
Did she, did she promise
to water the plants
680
00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:51,515
for you while you were
gone, and then didn't?
681
00:30:51,517 --> 00:30:52,983
Now we're talking
about differences,
682
00:30:52,985 --> 00:30:54,318
you say well she
flip-flops or whatever,
683
00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:57,321
well everybody changes,
everybody evolves,
684
00:30:57,323 --> 00:30:59,289
I hope they do, right?
685
00:30:59,291 --> 00:31:01,458
We want our Trump voter
friends in here tonight,
686
00:31:01,460 --> 00:31:03,760
we're asking them
to maybe change.
687
00:31:03,762 --> 00:31:08,031
If you just stay in cement,
it's like okay so she's learned.
688
00:31:08,033 --> 00:31:10,167
She was against, she
fought gay marriage
689
00:31:10,169 --> 00:31:12,002
and then she was for it.
690
00:31:12,004 --> 00:31:14,838
Well I'd rather that, than
staying against gay marriage.
691
00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:16,874
I don't think
that's a bad thing.
692
00:31:16,876 --> 00:31:18,775
She said her Iraq
War vote was wrong.
693
00:31:18,777 --> 00:31:21,979
She's never done anything
more wrong than that.
694
00:31:21,981 --> 00:31:24,381
Okay it's not exactly I'm sorry,
695
00:31:24,383 --> 00:31:28,185
but that pretty, okay she's
a politician, I accept that.
696
00:31:28,187 --> 00:31:30,020
What else, what else?
697
00:31:30,022 --> 00:31:33,757
What are the other
knocks on Hillary?
698
00:31:33,759 --> 00:31:34,658
Benghazi.
699
00:31:34,660 --> 00:31:36,026
Okay Benghazi, yes.
700
00:31:36,028 --> 00:31:37,427
She got up in the
middle of the night
701
00:31:37,429 --> 00:31:40,063
and personally
planned, with ISIS
702
00:31:40,065 --> 00:31:42,065
which she and Obama created,
703
00:31:42,067 --> 00:31:45,936
according to Trump,
they invented ISIS,
704
00:31:45,938 --> 00:31:48,038
and they planned this attack
705
00:31:48,040 --> 00:31:52,476
to kill our people there at
the Consulate in Benghazi.
706
00:31:52,478 --> 00:31:54,111
- [Audience Member] She
was cleared six times.
707
00:31:54,113 --> 00:31:56,313
- Oh she's been cleared
of the charges six times.
708
00:31:56,315 --> 00:31:57,681
That's not enough!
709
00:31:57,683 --> 00:31:59,950
(audience laughs)
710
00:31:59,952 --> 00:32:01,418
You have to be, if
you're Hillary Clinton
711
00:32:01,420 --> 00:32:04,121
you have to be
cleared eight times.
712
00:32:04,123 --> 00:32:06,089
- [Audience Member]
The Clinton Foundation.
713
00:32:06,091 --> 00:32:07,324
- Oh the Clinton Foundation.
714
00:32:07,326 --> 00:32:08,959
Well thank God there's
a Clinton Foundation,
715
00:32:08,961 --> 00:32:10,961
look at all the
good they've done.
716
00:32:10,963 --> 00:32:14,298
(audience cheers)
You know?
717
00:32:14,300 --> 00:32:15,198
I mean,
718
00:32:19,204 --> 00:32:21,271
and if what they say is true,
719
00:32:21,273 --> 00:32:23,340
and so they get to have
a meeting with Hillary,
720
00:32:23,342 --> 00:32:25,943
and what's their meeting,
she's still Hillary Clinton.
721
00:32:25,945 --> 00:32:27,577
It's not like they get
to go in there and say
722
00:32:27,579 --> 00:32:29,346
"I need you to bomb,
723
00:32:29,348 --> 00:32:30,814
"I need you to,
724
00:32:30,816 --> 00:32:33,116
"I need you to bomb Yemen."
725
00:32:34,286 --> 00:32:37,087
"Okay, how much did you give
the Clinton Foundation?"
726
00:32:37,089 --> 00:32:40,023
"I gave the Clinton Foundation
$50 million dollars."
727
00:32:40,025 --> 00:32:41,725
"Call in the air strikes."
728
00:32:41,727 --> 00:32:43,660
That's not what's going on.
729
00:32:43,662 --> 00:32:45,395
Generally, what the
Obama administration
730
00:32:45,397 --> 00:32:48,332
state department has
done, not everything,
731
00:32:48,334 --> 00:32:50,667
has been good for the world.
732
00:32:50,669 --> 00:32:52,769
The world likes us
a little bit better
733
00:32:52,771 --> 00:32:57,074
than when George W. Bush was
in the White House, right?
734
00:32:57,076 --> 00:33:01,044
(audience cheers and claps)
So.
735
00:33:03,115 --> 00:33:04,614
But what else?
736
00:33:04,616 --> 00:33:06,583
Remember I'm not a Hillary
voter, so what else, what else?
737
00:33:06,585 --> 00:33:08,185
(audience shouts off-mic)
Huh?
738
00:33:08,187 --> 00:33:09,653
- [Audience Member] She forgot
to tell us she was sick.
739
00:33:09,655 --> 00:33:10,821
- Yes, that one.
740
00:33:10,823 --> 00:33:12,356
- [Audience Member]
It was pneumonia.
741
00:33:12,358 --> 00:33:14,391
- She wouldn't tell
us she had pneumonia.
742
00:33:14,393 --> 00:33:16,693
And I want to say
something about that.
743
00:33:16,695 --> 00:33:18,028
I just feel bad
744
00:33:18,030 --> 00:33:21,698
that she didn't tell the
truth about her pneumonia.
745
00:33:21,700 --> 00:33:24,768
And what I feel bad about
is not her being a liar,
746
00:33:24,770 --> 00:33:27,904
but that she has got
to a point in her life
747
00:33:27,906 --> 00:33:30,807
where she can't even trust us.
748
00:33:30,809 --> 00:33:32,676
If she had just said
749
00:33:32,677 --> 00:33:34,544
"I've got pneumonia and I've
got to take the weekend off."
750
00:33:34,546 --> 00:33:36,780
What would the
response have been?
751
00:33:36,782 --> 00:33:40,217
It would have been,
"It takes a village."
752
00:33:40,219 --> 00:33:41,451
Right?
753
00:33:41,453 --> 00:33:43,220
What she taught us.
754
00:33:43,222 --> 00:33:44,955
She can't quite trust that
755
00:33:44,957 --> 00:33:47,824
about the United
States of America.
756
00:33:47,826 --> 00:33:50,394
That's a sad commentary on us.
757
00:33:51,196 --> 00:33:54,064
That's not really on her.
758
00:33:54,066 --> 00:33:56,566
Can't we start saying
something nice about her?
759
00:33:56,568 --> 00:33:58,969
You know, even the Trump
people in here, you know?
760
00:33:58,971 --> 00:34:01,204
Or conservative
people, Bernie people,
761
00:34:01,206 --> 00:34:03,573
can't you say something
nice about Hillary Clinton?
762
00:34:03,575 --> 00:34:04,975
Isn't this they
way we were raised?
763
00:34:04,977 --> 00:34:07,110
Didn't your grandmother
tell you like she told me
764
00:34:07,112 --> 00:34:09,112
"You can say something
nice about everybody
765
00:34:09,114 --> 00:34:11,481
except Hitler and Matt Lauer."
766
00:34:11,483 --> 00:34:14,451
(audience laughs)
767
00:34:15,654 --> 00:34:17,521
Just to prove it to
you, I will start off,
768
00:34:17,523 --> 00:34:20,957
I'll start off by
saying something nice.
769
00:34:20,959 --> 00:34:24,461
I'll say three things
nice about George W. Bush.
770
00:34:24,463 --> 00:34:28,465
Just to prove, just to
prove this can be done,
771
00:34:28,467 --> 00:34:29,533
all right?
772
00:34:29,535 --> 00:34:31,101
Number one,
773
00:34:31,103 --> 00:34:34,137
I think he did a good job
raising those two daughters.
774
00:34:34,139 --> 00:34:38,742
They seem like very fine women,
they seem to love their dad.
775
00:34:38,744 --> 00:34:40,544
Number two, Bono.
776
00:34:40,546 --> 00:34:44,481
Bono credits Bush with
breaking the log jam
777
00:34:44,483 --> 00:34:47,851
and getting funds for
AIDS relief in Africa,
778
00:34:47,853 --> 00:34:50,153
that Bush put a
whole bunch of money
779
00:34:50,155 --> 00:34:51,988
into Africa for AIDS relief.
780
00:34:51,990 --> 00:34:55,125
(audience applauds)
781
00:34:55,127 --> 00:34:56,626
And number three,
782
00:34:58,397 --> 00:35:00,297
um, he loves his dogs!
783
00:35:01,400 --> 00:35:03,533
Yes, that's number three.
784
00:35:03,535 --> 00:35:06,436
He loved Barney,
Barney loved him.
785
00:35:07,306 --> 00:35:09,906
He was so good with those dogs.
786
00:35:09,908 --> 00:35:11,541
Okay, there's three
nice things about Bush.
787
00:35:11,543 --> 00:35:12,976
I've said them.
788
00:35:12,978 --> 00:35:14,911
So, to say something
nice about Hillary.
789
00:35:14,913 --> 00:35:17,114
We're gonna start with a man.
790
00:35:17,116 --> 00:35:19,850
I filmed this
seventeen years ago,
791
00:35:19,852 --> 00:35:21,751
I had a show called
The Awful Truth
792
00:35:21,753 --> 00:35:23,153
on the Bravo network.
793
00:35:23,155 --> 00:35:25,021
And, (audience
applauds) thank you.
794
00:35:25,023 --> 00:35:26,423
It was during the
Lewinsky scandal,
795
00:35:26,425 --> 00:35:27,824
and Clinton was being impeached,
796
00:35:27,826 --> 00:35:30,460
there was a lot of speculation
that she might leave him.
797
00:35:30,462 --> 00:35:32,062
And we had this
idea on the show,
798
00:35:32,064 --> 00:35:33,797
that let's go out and
try and find her a date.
799
00:35:33,799 --> 00:35:36,433
She deserves a date
with a nice guy.
800
00:35:36,435 --> 00:35:38,235
If we have that ready in
the booth, can we show them?
801
00:35:38,237 --> 00:35:40,036
This is 1998.
802
00:35:40,038 --> 00:35:41,371
- [Reporter] We're
doing an interview
803
00:35:41,373 --> 00:35:42,806
about Hillary
Clinton being single.
804
00:35:42,808 --> 00:35:44,307
- Oh really?
- Yeah, what do you think?
805
00:35:44,309 --> 00:35:45,909
- Well I think that
Hillary Clinton's
806
00:35:45,911 --> 00:35:48,912
a hell of a good woman and
I hope she's not single
807
00:35:48,914 --> 00:35:50,547
in a year and a half, I
hope they stay together
808
00:35:50,549 --> 00:35:51,748
and I think they will.
809
00:35:51,750 --> 00:35:52,883
I think she's very committed,
810
00:35:52,885 --> 00:35:54,368
and I think he's very committed.
811
00:35:54,369 --> 00:35:55,852
- [Reporter] You think that
she's not gonna be out having a,
812
00:35:55,854 --> 00:35:57,454
you don't wanna date
her when she's single?
813
00:35:57,456 --> 00:35:59,389
- No, I think that
she's very happy.
814
00:35:59,391 --> 00:36:01,158
I hope she's very
happy with her husband.
815
00:36:01,160 --> 00:36:04,861
and I think she understands her
husband better than anybody,
816
00:36:04,863 --> 00:36:06,429
and I think she'll be just fine.
817
00:36:06,431 --> 00:36:08,865
- [Reporter] So wow, okay.
818
00:36:08,867 --> 00:36:09,966
- Okay?
819
00:36:09,967 --> 00:36:11,066
- [Reporter] So
no dating advice?
820
00:36:11,069 --> 00:36:12,536
- I don't wanna give
her any dating advice.
821
00:36:12,538 --> 00:36:15,205
She's gonna be married
to our current president
822
00:36:15,207 --> 00:36:16,406
for a long time.
823
00:36:16,408 --> 00:36:18,108
- [Reporter] Alright, Donald.
- I hope.
824
00:36:18,110 --> 00:36:19,276
- [Reporter] Thanks a lot.
825
00:36:19,278 --> 00:36:20,343
I'll tell her you're
not interested.
826
00:36:20,345 --> 00:36:21,178
- Tell her.
827
00:36:21,180 --> 00:36:22,245
Have a good time.
828
00:36:22,247 --> 00:36:24,047
- [Reporter] Bye.
829
00:36:24,049 --> 00:36:26,249
- Well, I just left Michael
and he's a good man.
830
00:36:26,251 --> 00:36:27,851
He's a good man,
he's done a good job.
831
00:36:27,853 --> 00:36:29,286
- [Reporter] Yeah, okay, thanks.
832
00:36:29,288 --> 00:36:31,154
- 'Kay, have a good time.
- Bye.
833
00:36:31,156 --> 00:36:35,292
(audience laughs and claps)
834
00:36:35,294 --> 00:36:36,193
- See?
835
00:36:37,629 --> 00:36:41,865
See, he said something
nice about Hillary, and me.
836
00:36:41,867 --> 00:36:44,568
Right, so if he can
do it, you can do it.
837
00:36:44,570 --> 00:36:46,269
Anybody, just raise your hand.
838
00:36:46,271 --> 00:36:47,504
Yes, go ahead.
839
00:36:50,042 --> 00:36:52,008
She's overqualified.
840
00:36:52,010 --> 00:36:53,810
Is that a nice thing?
841
00:36:55,380 --> 00:36:57,347
Usually I'm, I used
to be told that
842
00:36:57,349 --> 00:36:59,983
when I didn't get the job.
843
00:36:59,985 --> 00:37:01,918
Right down here in
the center, yes, sir.
844
00:37:01,920 --> 00:37:03,086
- [Audience Member]
She's super smart.
845
00:37:03,088 --> 00:37:04,187
- She's super smart.
846
00:37:04,189 --> 00:37:05,522
(audience cheers)
847
00:37:07,259 --> 00:37:08,575
Over here.
848
00:37:08,576 --> 00:37:09,892
- Hillary actually
knows where Aleppo is.
849
00:37:09,895 --> 00:37:12,729
- Hillary knows where Aleppo is!
850
00:37:12,731 --> 00:37:14,364
There you go!
851
00:37:14,366 --> 00:37:15,732
Do we have anybody,
anybody from the
852
00:37:15,734 --> 00:37:17,534
I don't like Hillary camp
853
00:37:17,536 --> 00:37:19,302
that can say something
nice about her.
854
00:37:19,304 --> 00:37:20,704
Yes sir, in the red.
855
00:37:20,706 --> 00:37:22,005
(mumbles)
856
00:37:22,007 --> 00:37:22,973
She's what?
857
00:37:23,976 --> 00:37:25,775
She stood by her man?
858
00:37:28,647 --> 00:37:30,280
Yeah.
859
00:37:30,282 --> 00:37:33,483
(audience laughs)
860
00:37:33,485 --> 00:37:36,319
How 'bout the Mexicans up there?
861
00:37:36,321 --> 00:37:41,057
(speaking Spanish)
862
00:37:41,059 --> 00:37:42,792
True, that's very true.
863
00:37:42,794 --> 00:37:43,793
Let's check in with our Muslims.
864
00:37:43,795 --> 00:37:46,196
How are they doing up there?
865
00:37:49,468 --> 00:37:52,669
Okay, we'll have
to get that fixed.
866
00:37:52,671 --> 00:37:54,404
So anybody else?
867
00:37:54,406 --> 00:37:55,605
Come on.
868
00:37:55,606 --> 00:37:56,805
Right down here in
the front row, yes.
869
00:37:56,808 --> 00:37:58,541
- I think she's
every single thing
870
00:37:58,543 --> 00:38:00,343
we say we want our
daughters to be.
871
00:38:00,345 --> 00:38:03,980
She's smart, she works
hard, she's independent,
872
00:38:03,982 --> 00:38:07,217
and she doesn't take
any shit from anybody.
873
00:38:07,219 --> 00:38:09,319
- Wow, that was, that
was beautifully put.
874
00:38:09,321 --> 00:38:11,154
Alright, right behind, yes.
875
00:38:11,156 --> 00:38:12,322
Sir, right back there.
876
00:38:12,324 --> 00:38:15,725
- I like her ads, she
really has fought for our,
877
00:38:15,727 --> 00:38:17,027
- [Michael] You like her ass?
878
00:38:17,029 --> 00:38:18,995
(audience laughs)
879
00:38:18,997 --> 00:38:21,097
- Ad. Commercial.
880
00:38:21,099 --> 00:38:23,099
- Her ads, oh, her ads.
881
00:38:25,404 --> 00:38:26,803
- She really has
882
00:38:27,572 --> 00:38:32,175
fought for opportunity for
kids for her entire life.
883
00:38:32,177 --> 00:38:37,080
(audience applauds)
- Yes, that's very nice.
884
00:38:37,082 --> 00:38:40,050
Alright let me say something
nice about Hillary.
885
00:38:40,052 --> 00:38:42,552
I'm glad she killed
Vince Foster.
886
00:38:42,554 --> 00:38:45,522
(audience laughs)
887
00:38:47,426 --> 00:38:50,060
That's another knock on her,
she killed Vince Foster.
888
00:38:50,062 --> 00:38:51,628
White House Deputy Counsel,
889
00:38:51,630 --> 00:38:53,363
the Clintons had been
in there six months,
890
00:38:53,365 --> 00:38:55,765
all of a sudden, a Sunday
morning he's found dead
891
00:38:55,767 --> 00:38:58,635
in his car in a park on the
Potomac River,
892
00:38:58,637 --> 00:39:02,439
bullet hole in the head and
a suicide note in his hand.
893
00:39:02,441 --> 00:39:04,474
And ever since that, how long?
894
00:39:04,476 --> 00:39:06,309
Right, those of us,
you're a little older?
895
00:39:06,311 --> 00:39:09,079
Right, how long have we had
to listen to this, since 1993
896
00:39:09,081 --> 00:39:10,780
that Hillary killed
Vince Foster?
897
00:39:10,782 --> 00:39:12,015
I hope she did.
898
00:39:12,017 --> 00:39:14,317
(audience laughs)
899
00:39:14,319 --> 00:39:16,586
Because that's badass, man.
900
00:39:16,588 --> 00:39:18,154
How'd she do that?
901
00:39:19,191 --> 00:39:21,057
She must have jacked
his car at like
902
00:39:21,059 --> 00:39:24,828
eight in the morning on a
Sunday before going to church,
903
00:39:24,830 --> 00:39:27,831
shot him, written
that suicide note
904
00:39:27,833 --> 00:39:31,468
like a Jon Benet type note,
put that it in his hand,
905
00:39:31,470 --> 00:39:34,304
went back to the White
House for breakfast.
906
00:39:34,306 --> 00:39:35,772
Bill had no idea.
907
00:39:37,576 --> 00:39:39,776
Go on the Internet
tonight and type in,
908
00:39:39,778 --> 00:39:42,746
Hillary and murderer into Google
909
00:39:42,748 --> 00:39:46,015
and see what comes
up, seriously.
910
00:39:46,017 --> 00:39:48,151
She has killed 46 people.
911
00:39:50,622 --> 00:39:51,521
46 people.
912
00:39:53,558 --> 00:39:55,458
With her own bare hands.
913
00:39:55,460 --> 00:39:56,693
Ladies and gentlemen,
914
00:39:56,695 --> 00:39:59,996
this is who I want for
commander-in-chief.
915
00:39:59,998 --> 00:40:03,933
Somebody who's not
afraid to kill somebody!
916
00:40:03,935 --> 00:40:05,935
We haven't had somebody
in the Oval Office
917
00:40:05,937 --> 00:40:09,939
who has killed somebody
since Ulysses S. Grant.
918
00:40:12,077 --> 00:40:13,910
ISIS is going to shit
919
00:40:14,846 --> 00:40:16,479
if she's president.
920
00:40:20,185 --> 00:40:22,118
And you know what
the jihadist rule is,
921
00:40:22,120 --> 00:40:25,822
it's not martyrdom if
you're killed by a woman.
922
00:40:25,824 --> 00:40:28,558
If a girl kills you, you
don't go to paradise,
923
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:30,493
you don't get the 72 virgins,
924
00:40:30,495 --> 00:40:33,596
it's like you're in a permanent
high school cafeteria table
925
00:40:33,598 --> 00:40:37,867
all alone with the rest of
the cafeteria mocking you
926
00:40:37,869 --> 00:40:38,868
cause a girl killed you.
927
00:40:42,941 --> 00:40:47,110
Listen you don't want the
70-year old out of shape guy
928
00:40:47,112 --> 00:40:49,746
who's had nannies and
servants his whole life.
929
00:40:49,748 --> 00:40:51,448
You want somebody who, in
the middle of the night,
930
00:40:51,450 --> 00:40:55,285
as commander-in-chief, will
parachute in with Delta Force
931
00:40:55,287 --> 00:40:57,987
and slit the throats of
two-dozen terrorists
932
00:40:57,989 --> 00:40:59,422
in their sleep.
933
00:40:59,424 --> 00:41:02,559
(audience applauds)
934
00:41:03,395 --> 00:41:04,794
Yeah!
935
00:41:06,765 --> 00:41:08,264
Um, I got a surprise
for you tonight.
936
00:41:08,266 --> 00:41:11,534
Um, someone from the Trump
campaign
937
00:41:11,536 --> 00:41:14,671
has leaked us a copy
of their new ad.
938
00:41:14,673 --> 00:41:17,841
- [Narrator] The diseases,
she's had them all,
939
00:41:17,843 --> 00:41:22,245
pneumonia, hypothyroidism,
allergies, yeast infection,
940
00:41:22,247 --> 00:41:26,616
urinary tract discomfort,
pregnancy, childbirth,
941
00:41:26,618 --> 00:41:30,954
time-of-month disorder,
bleeding from wherever disease,
942
00:41:30,956 --> 00:41:32,188
and menopause.
943
00:41:33,225 --> 00:41:34,858
Do you want a commander-in-chief
944
00:41:34,860 --> 00:41:37,727
whose lady parts
are out of control?
945
00:41:37,729 --> 00:41:39,929
Or do you want a
fit, buff leader
946
00:41:39,931 --> 00:41:42,398
who will be the
healthiest president ever?
947
00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:43,733
Ever?
948
00:41:43,735 --> 00:41:45,735
Even healthier than
Teddy Roosevelt,
949
00:41:45,737 --> 00:41:48,304
and he was shot in the chest.
950
00:41:48,306 --> 00:41:50,940
Yes, there's only one
candidate this year
951
00:41:50,942 --> 00:41:54,878
healthy enough to spawn an
entire new breed of humans.
952
00:41:54,880 --> 00:41:58,414
Vote Trump, he never gets sick.
953
00:41:58,416 --> 00:42:00,650
- Well I could stand in
the middle of 5th Avenue
954
00:42:00,652 --> 00:42:03,152
and shoot somebody, and I
wouldn't lose any voters, okay?
955
00:42:03,154 --> 00:42:05,088
- [Narrator] Now that's sick.
956
00:42:05,090 --> 00:42:09,259
- I'm Donald Trump,
and I so approve this message.
957
00:42:09,261 --> 00:42:12,195
(audience laughs and applauds)
958
00:42:12,197 --> 00:42:13,263
- Effective.
959
00:42:15,000 --> 00:42:18,301
I think he's gonna
do really well.
960
00:42:18,303 --> 00:42:20,370
I want to tell you
a little story.
961
00:42:20,372 --> 00:42:24,107
When I wrote my
first book in 1996,
962
00:42:24,109 --> 00:42:26,409
it was called Downsize This
963
00:42:26,411 --> 00:42:28,611
And there was a
chapter in there called
964
00:42:28,613 --> 00:42:31,180
My Forbidden Love For Hillary.
965
00:42:31,182 --> 00:42:33,716
And so you've
probably seen these
966
00:42:33,718 --> 00:42:35,785
different photographs
967
00:42:35,787 --> 00:42:37,787
behind me on the
stage here tonight.
968
00:42:37,789 --> 00:42:41,558
I was just really upset with
the way she was being treated
969
00:42:41,560 --> 00:42:43,293
when she was First Lady.
970
00:42:43,295 --> 00:42:45,795
I mean she was being knocked
and criticized all the time,
971
00:42:45,797 --> 00:42:48,031
she was being made fun of.
972
00:42:48,767 --> 00:42:50,934
How she looked, how she dressed.
973
00:42:50,936 --> 00:42:55,672
And, and also for
being the co-president.
974
00:42:55,674 --> 00:42:57,106
Right?
975
00:42:57,108 --> 00:42:59,776
Because, remember when
she said that they were,
976
00:42:59,778 --> 00:43:01,578
she was being criticized
during the campaign
977
00:43:01,580 --> 00:43:03,513
when Bill first
ran and she said,
978
00:43:03,515 --> 00:43:05,715
"Look I'm not some little
lady gonna be in the kitchen
979
00:43:05,717 --> 00:43:08,117
"baking cookies
and hosting teas."
980
00:43:08,119 --> 00:43:09,619
Attacks on her started then,
981
00:43:09,621 --> 00:43:12,655
and she was the butt of jokes
of late night comedians.
982
00:43:12,657 --> 00:43:14,524
I remember there was one,
983
00:43:14,526 --> 00:43:15,658
one joke was,
984
00:43:15,660 --> 00:43:19,862
"Hey have you heard about
the new Hillary combo at KFC?
985
00:43:19,864 --> 00:43:24,000
"It's got two large
thighs, two small breasts,
986
00:43:24,002 --> 00:43:25,802
"and two left wings."
987
00:43:29,174 --> 00:43:30,807
And I thought about it for
a minute, and I thought,
988
00:43:30,809 --> 00:43:32,642
well, it sounds
pretty good to me.
989
00:43:32,644 --> 00:43:36,145
(audience laughs)
990
00:43:36,147 --> 00:43:37,513
No but I just,
991
00:43:37,515 --> 00:43:39,382
I thought she was beautiful.
992
00:43:39,384 --> 00:43:41,217
I thought she was smart.
993
00:43:41,219 --> 00:43:44,420
I thought she was a nice person.
994
00:43:44,422 --> 00:43:47,490
I didn't understand
what this was.
995
00:43:47,492 --> 00:43:49,058
And so I wrote
this chapter called
996
00:43:49,060 --> 00:43:51,861
My Forbidden Love For Hillary.
997
00:43:51,863 --> 00:43:55,431
And I got invited to
a White House dinner.
998
00:43:56,368 --> 00:44:00,570
And to give you some context
for this, the dinner took place
999
00:44:00,572 --> 00:44:04,474
the night before Clinton's
impeachment, okay?
1000
00:44:04,476 --> 00:44:06,376
So what a night to
be there, right?
1001
00:44:06,378 --> 00:44:08,444
He didn't look good.
Um...
1002
00:44:09,114 --> 00:44:12,081
Do we have the picture
of me at the White house?
1003
00:44:12,083 --> 00:44:14,050
There I am, there I am.
1004
00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:17,020
Hey, I clean up okay, right?
1005
00:44:17,022 --> 00:44:18,321
(audience laughs)
1006
00:44:18,323 --> 00:44:20,823
You go through this reception
line before the dinner,
1007
00:44:20,825 --> 00:44:22,058
and you walk into the East Room,
1008
00:44:22,060 --> 00:44:25,728
and there's a Marine guard
there who announces you,
1009
00:44:25,730 --> 00:44:28,031
and so there's like 100
people going through the line.
1010
00:44:28,033 --> 00:44:29,832
So I'm standing there,
1011
00:44:29,834 --> 00:44:31,434
and you're told
1012
00:44:31,435 --> 00:44:33,035
"You get five seconds,
then you gotta keep moving.
1013
00:44:33,038 --> 00:44:36,572
"Shake their hands, say
something nice, move on."
1014
00:44:36,574 --> 00:44:41,511
And the marine goes, "Mr.
President and Madame First Lady,
1015
00:44:41,513 --> 00:44:43,479
"uh, Michael Moore?"
1016
00:44:43,481 --> 00:44:46,382
(audience laughs)
1017
00:44:50,488 --> 00:44:52,288
So I walked in there,
1018
00:44:52,290 --> 00:44:55,191
and Bill grabs my
hand, and he goes,
1019
00:44:55,193 --> 00:44:58,227
"Oh Michael Moore,
I just, I love you.
1020
00:44:58,229 --> 00:45:00,229
"I love your number one fan,
1021
00:45:00,231 --> 00:45:02,765
"I love, I love
your show TV Nation.
1022
00:45:02,767 --> 00:45:04,734
"I remember that
one episode you did,
1023
00:45:04,736 --> 00:45:08,271
"where you went to Idaho, and
you went to that Klan rally,
1024
00:45:08,273 --> 00:45:09,439
"oh that was just,"
1025
00:45:09,441 --> 00:45:11,207
And I'm thinking, "What?"
1026
00:45:11,209 --> 00:45:13,409
(audience laughs)
1027
00:45:13,411 --> 00:45:15,378
Like these Clintons
are good, man,
1028
00:45:15,380 --> 00:45:17,380
there's 100 people here
1029
00:45:17,381 --> 00:45:19,381
and he's got a story
for every one of them.
1030
00:45:19,384 --> 00:45:22,685
He's referencing
an obscure episode,
1031
00:45:22,687 --> 00:45:25,254
on a Friday night show on NBC,
1032
00:45:26,591 --> 00:45:27,423
of mine.
1033
00:45:27,425 --> 00:45:28,257
And he's like,
1034
00:45:28,259 --> 00:45:29,993
it's like he knows,
1035
00:45:29,994 --> 00:45:31,728
and he's accurately
describing the episode.
1036
00:45:31,730 --> 00:45:32,729
And I'm thinking, man.
1037
00:45:32,731 --> 00:45:34,597
"And I just I love Roger and Me,
1038
00:45:34,599 --> 00:45:37,266
"You're just, I'm
your number one fan."
1039
00:45:37,268 --> 00:45:40,837
And at that moment,
Hillary grabs my hand,
1040
00:45:40,839 --> 00:45:43,072
takes it out of his
hand, and says to him,
1041
00:45:43,074 --> 00:45:46,542
"No you're not, I'm
his number one fan."
1042
00:45:46,544 --> 00:45:48,344
And then she just,
1043
00:45:48,346 --> 00:45:51,414
(audience applauds)
1044
00:45:54,486 --> 00:45:57,787
And she goes, "I
just want to say,
1045
00:45:57,789 --> 00:46:00,189
"what you wrote about
me in your book.
1046
00:46:00,191 --> 00:46:01,724
"I'm just, it was so wonderful,
1047
00:46:01,726 --> 00:46:03,359
"and that first
line in the book."
1048
00:46:03,361 --> 00:46:05,795
And my face was
turning red, right?
1049
00:46:05,797 --> 00:46:07,597
And, 'cause the first
line in the chapter of
1050
00:46:07,599 --> 00:46:09,565
My Forbidden Love For Hillary,
1051
00:46:09,567 --> 00:46:12,869
where I have all
these photos of her,
1052
00:46:12,871 --> 00:46:14,403
the first line was,
1053
00:46:14,405 --> 00:46:18,574
"Hillary Clinton, she's one hot
shit-kicking feminist babe."
1054
00:46:18,576 --> 00:46:21,577
(audience laughs)
1055
00:46:24,149 --> 00:46:26,749
"I just, I love everything.
1056
00:46:26,751 --> 00:46:29,752
"And when you talked about me
on The Today Show, that just,"
1057
00:46:29,754 --> 00:46:32,455
And now at this point, I
had been there for too long.
1058
00:46:32,457 --> 00:46:33,990
Her aide is like stepping in,
1059
00:46:33,992 --> 00:46:36,025
because she thinks I'm
holding the line up,
1060
00:46:36,027 --> 00:46:38,161
but it's Hillary
that won't let me go.
1061
00:46:38,163 --> 00:46:39,862
And Hillary sees
the aide coming,
1062
00:46:39,864 --> 00:46:42,999
and she goes like
this, "Shoo, shoo."
1063
00:46:43,902 --> 00:46:47,036
And I said, "Well I just,
listen, I just think,
1064
00:46:47,038 --> 00:46:49,572
"I'm so sorry you're
going through all this
1065
00:46:49,574 --> 00:46:53,042
"with you know, but
you're a good person.
1066
00:46:53,044 --> 00:46:55,444
"And you seem like a good mom.
1067
00:46:55,446 --> 00:46:58,648
"And you should run for Senate."
1068
00:46:58,650 --> 00:47:02,952
(Michael laughs and
audience laughs)
1069
00:47:04,756 --> 00:47:07,857
And now, I could not, I
went through all the files
1070
00:47:07,859 --> 00:47:10,793
trying to find this picture
of her holding my hand,
1071
00:47:10,795 --> 00:47:12,695
but there is a picture
that was snapped
1072
00:47:12,697 --> 00:47:14,597
just as I walked away.
1073
00:47:15,433 --> 00:47:16,933
Okay, check this,
1074
00:47:16,935 --> 00:47:19,335
alright, look at
this, look at this.
1075
00:47:19,337 --> 00:47:21,304
That's right, that's the truth.
1076
00:47:21,306 --> 00:47:23,372
This is all true, look at that.
1077
00:47:23,374 --> 00:47:26,876
One of them is really happy,
and one of them is not.
1078
00:47:26,878 --> 00:47:29,779
(audience laughs)
1079
00:47:32,217 --> 00:47:35,484
And that's when she took me
up to the Lincoln Bedroom, um...
1080
00:47:35,486 --> 00:47:38,454
(audience laughs)
1081
00:47:38,456 --> 00:47:40,489
No, no, no, nothing
happened, nothing happened.
1082
00:47:40,491 --> 00:47:45,027
I'm just saying though, it was
a very special moment for me,
1083
00:47:45,029 --> 00:47:48,931
because I just felt
you know, she had been,
1084
00:47:48,933 --> 00:47:52,001
it was, her treatment
was just awful.
1085
00:47:52,003 --> 00:47:54,337
If you're young,
you don't know this.
1086
00:47:54,339 --> 00:47:56,005
If you weren't alive
then, you don't know it.
1087
00:47:56,007 --> 00:47:57,640
But people that were alive then,
1088
00:47:57,642 --> 00:47:59,408
you know what I'm saying, right?
1089
00:47:59,410 --> 00:48:02,011
I'm not making this up, I'm
not exaggerating it, am I?
1090
00:48:02,013 --> 00:48:05,915
You know, and the knock
on her was just awful.
1091
00:48:08,853 --> 00:48:13,189
Last year, I was shooting my, a
movie, "Where To Invade Next",
1092
00:48:13,191 --> 00:48:16,392
and we went to this
country, Estonia.
1093
00:48:16,394 --> 00:48:17,927
I wanted to go there
because I was trying to show
1094
00:48:17,929 --> 00:48:20,796
in different countries,
what they do better than us,
1095
00:48:20,798 --> 00:48:22,565
and what can we learn from them?
1096
00:48:22,567 --> 00:48:25,668
And so, I went to
Estonia because they are,
1097
00:48:25,670 --> 00:48:27,370
the World Health
Organization says
1098
00:48:27,372 --> 00:48:29,972
that you have the least
chance as a woman,
1099
00:48:29,974 --> 00:48:32,341
dying in childbirth in Estonia,
1100
00:48:32,343 --> 00:48:34,577
than in any other
country on the planet.
1101
00:48:34,579 --> 00:48:35,978
If you live in Cleveland,
1102
00:48:35,980 --> 00:48:38,514
you have a three times greater
chance of dying in childbirth
1103
00:48:38,516 --> 00:48:40,516
than you do in Estonia.
1104
00:48:41,419 --> 00:48:44,020
And so they took me
to the maternity ward,
1105
00:48:44,022 --> 00:48:46,589
and they had the head doctor
of the maternity ward,
1106
00:48:46,591 --> 00:48:48,424
and he's showing me around,
1107
00:48:48,426 --> 00:48:51,827
and he's telling me why
they're so good at this.
1108
00:48:51,829 --> 00:48:53,129
We're walking down this hallway,
1109
00:48:53,131 --> 00:48:55,131
and there's a
picture on the wall.
1110
00:48:55,133 --> 00:48:57,099
And I stopped him, and
I said, "Wait a minute.
1111
00:48:57,101 --> 00:48:59,568
"I know the person
in that photo."
1112
00:48:59,570 --> 00:49:01,671
That's me and the doctor
there in the hallway.
1113
00:49:01,673 --> 00:49:05,107
Can we just punch in a
little bit on this here.
1114
00:49:05,109 --> 00:49:08,010
It's Hillary Clinton,
shaking this guy's hand.
1115
00:49:08,012 --> 00:49:09,612
I said, "Where did this happen?"
1116
00:49:09,614 --> 00:49:14,150
He said, "It happened right
where you're standing."
1117
00:49:14,152 --> 00:49:16,118
I said "Oh my God,
who's the guy?"
1118
00:49:16,120 --> 00:49:20,489
"That is me, twenty years ago."
1119
00:49:20,491 --> 00:49:21,991
I said "Oh my God.
1120
00:49:21,993 --> 00:49:25,728
"Okay, so what was
she doing in Estonia?"
1121
00:49:25,730 --> 00:49:27,897
"Well, don't you remember?
1122
00:49:27,899 --> 00:49:30,900
"She wanted you to have
universal healthcare.
1123
00:49:30,902 --> 00:49:32,969
"So she was studying.
1124
00:49:32,971 --> 00:49:35,738
"She went around the
world to study it.
1125
00:49:35,740 --> 00:49:37,673
"And she came to little Estonia
1126
00:49:37,675 --> 00:49:40,042
"for the same reason
you're here tonight.
1127
00:49:40,044 --> 00:49:44,013
"To find out why so many more
women survive childbirth here
1128
00:49:44,015 --> 00:49:46,983
"than in the United States."
1129
00:49:46,985 --> 00:49:50,619
And I said, "Oh my God,
wow, she came here?"
1130
00:49:50,621 --> 00:49:53,823
"Yes, and then she went back,
1131
00:49:53,825 --> 00:49:56,092
"and you didn't listen to her.
1132
00:49:56,094 --> 00:50:00,062
"Instead, you humiliated
her, and attacked her.
1133
00:50:01,899 --> 00:50:04,100
"And you've gone
twenty years now
1134
00:50:04,102 --> 00:50:06,569
"without universal healthcare.
1135
00:50:06,571 --> 00:50:08,204
"And we've had it."
1136
00:50:09,040 --> 00:50:12,675
I said, "um, I made
this movie, Sicko."
1137
00:50:12,677 --> 00:50:15,845
and while making the
movie I learned that
1138
00:50:15,847 --> 00:50:17,646
according to the
congressional budget office,
1139
00:50:17,648 --> 00:50:20,916
nearly 50,000
Americans die each year
1140
00:50:20,918 --> 00:50:23,452
for one simple reason.
1141
00:50:23,454 --> 00:50:25,554
They don't have health insurance
1142
00:50:25,556 --> 00:50:27,823
or they don't have
adequate health insurance.
1143
00:50:27,825 --> 00:50:30,459
In other words, not
because of the disease,
1144
00:50:30,461 --> 00:50:32,762
not because of the
germs in the hospital,
1145
00:50:32,764 --> 00:50:34,930
but because they didn't
have health insurance
1146
00:50:34,932 --> 00:50:37,266
they put off going
to the doctor,
1147
00:50:37,268 --> 00:50:39,568
or they had crappy
health insurance
1148
00:50:39,570 --> 00:50:41,804
and the doctor couldn't
send them to the specialist
1149
00:50:41,806 --> 00:50:43,305
that he wanted to send them to.
1150
00:50:43,307 --> 00:50:44,807
So they died.
1151
00:50:44,809 --> 00:50:48,544
They died only because
they were Americans.
1152
00:50:48,546 --> 00:50:50,846
If they lived across
the river from Detroit
1153
00:50:50,848 --> 00:50:54,083
in Windsor, Canada
they'd be alive.
1154
00:50:54,085 --> 00:50:56,919
But because they were
American, they died.
1155
00:50:56,921 --> 00:50:58,287
50,000 a year.
1156
00:50:58,289 --> 00:51:02,058
And I sat there and I started
doing the math of this.
1157
00:51:02,060 --> 00:51:05,061
Like, 20 years,
50,000 people dead.
1158
00:51:06,397 --> 00:51:07,296
Holy shit.
1159
00:51:08,232 --> 00:51:10,366
It's like a million people.
1160
00:51:10,368 --> 00:51:14,170
That's a million of our
fellow Americans dead
1161
00:51:15,406 --> 00:51:18,974
because they didn't
have health insurance.
1162
00:51:19,911 --> 00:51:23,813
If they'd been Canadian
or French or Scottish,
1163
00:51:24,882 --> 00:51:25,848
or Chilean,
1164
00:51:27,318 --> 00:51:30,453
or just about anywhere
else in the world,
1165
00:51:30,455 --> 00:51:32,354
they would have lived.
1166
00:51:33,157 --> 00:51:37,093
Every 9/11, we have somber
vigils and memorials
1167
00:51:37,095 --> 00:51:40,329
for the 3,000 Americans
who died in that attack,
1168
00:51:40,331 --> 00:51:41,497
as we should.
1169
00:51:43,301 --> 00:51:44,667
3000.
1170
00:51:44,669 --> 00:51:47,103
I still tear up over it.
1171
00:51:47,105 --> 00:51:49,472
One of my producers was
on the plane from Boston
1172
00:51:49,474 --> 00:51:51,941
that went in the North Tower.
1173
00:51:53,711 --> 00:51:56,145
We shed no tears for
the million Americans
1174
00:51:56,147 --> 00:51:58,547
who have died from
that act of terrorism.
1175
00:51:58,549 --> 00:52:01,450
One million dead Americans
1176
00:52:01,452 --> 00:52:05,521
because we refused to
listen to Hillary Clinton.
1177
00:52:08,326 --> 00:52:09,325
Who are we?
1178
00:52:11,129 --> 00:52:13,028
And what is terrorism?
1179
00:52:14,165 --> 00:52:16,165
We don't think for one second
1180
00:52:16,167 --> 00:52:20,569
about the one million
dead Americans killed
1181
00:52:20,571 --> 00:52:22,705
by a system run by greed.
1182
00:52:24,142 --> 00:52:26,041
Greed of the
insurance companies.
1183
00:52:26,043 --> 00:52:28,978
(audience applauds)
One million dead.
1184
00:52:28,980 --> 00:52:31,046
One million dead.
1185
00:52:35,920 --> 00:52:38,320
It's wrong, it's just wrong.
1186
00:52:40,558 --> 00:52:43,626
One million of our
fellow Americans.
1187
00:52:48,166 --> 00:52:50,332
Where are the tears for them?
1188
00:52:50,334 --> 00:52:53,536
Where are their names
on a marble wall?
1189
00:52:53,538 --> 00:52:54,937
I saw some of you standing.
1190
00:52:54,939 --> 00:52:56,438
I know why the response to that,
1191
00:52:56,440 --> 00:52:58,941
cause we all know
somebody, don't we?
1192
00:52:58,943 --> 00:53:01,177
We all have a family
member, a neighbor,
1193
00:53:01,179 --> 00:53:03,679
somebody we went to school
with, somebody at work,
1194
00:53:03,681 --> 00:53:07,049
somebody down the street,
somebody we heard about.
1195
00:53:07,051 --> 00:53:10,119
They put off going
to the doctor.
1196
00:53:10,121 --> 00:53:13,722
Or they went but they didn't
have enough health insurance.
1197
00:53:13,724 --> 00:53:15,324
And even with Obamacare
1198
00:53:15,326 --> 00:53:17,760
we still have almost
thirty million
1199
00:53:17,762 --> 00:53:20,629
with no health insurance.
1200
00:53:20,631 --> 00:53:23,265
These are our fellow Americans.
1201
00:53:24,969 --> 00:53:27,469
And yet Hillary was attacked,
1202
00:53:31,008 --> 00:53:33,008
she was humiliated.
1203
00:53:33,010 --> 00:53:36,478
You remember this,
when this happened?
1204
00:53:36,480 --> 00:53:39,315
People in Congress were
like "Get rid of her.
1205
00:53:39,317 --> 00:53:40,416
"She's not the President.
1206
00:53:40,418 --> 00:53:42,885
"Nobody elected you."
1207
00:53:42,887 --> 00:53:45,187
And it went down to defeat.
1208
00:53:51,395 --> 00:53:53,596
And it never got
brought up again did it,
1209
00:53:53,598 --> 00:53:56,565
until Obama started
bringing it up.
1210
00:53:58,469 --> 00:54:00,402
Never got brought up again.
1211
00:54:00,404 --> 00:54:04,673
And they forced her to
change into someone else.
1212
00:54:04,675 --> 00:54:06,642
She was told to shut up.
1213
00:54:06,644 --> 00:54:10,879
And she started baking the
cookies and hosting the teas.
1214
00:54:12,583 --> 00:54:15,751
I don't know,
something's wrong here.
1215
00:54:16,587 --> 00:54:18,587
In a way we have a chance
to redeem ourselves,
1216
00:54:18,589 --> 00:54:20,256
don't we, for this.
1217
00:54:23,928 --> 00:54:26,362
It's possible, I don't know.
1218
00:54:26,364 --> 00:54:28,797
You know when you've
got the Pope saying
1219
00:54:28,799 --> 00:54:31,300
that what you're doing is a sin,
1220
00:54:31,302 --> 00:54:35,437
that it's a sin not to help
someone when they're sick,
1221
00:54:35,439 --> 00:54:38,240
and not have them worry
about how much it cost them,
1222
00:54:38,242 --> 00:54:41,510
because in the Bible
it says, right?
1223
00:54:41,512 --> 00:54:43,045
I mean Jesus laid it out,
1224
00:54:43,047 --> 00:54:45,214
I know you're not here
for a religion lesson,
1225
00:54:45,216 --> 00:54:46,815
but if you believe in that,
1226
00:54:46,817 --> 00:54:49,351
he lays it out
pretty clearly right?
1227
00:54:49,353 --> 00:54:51,754
But this new Pope he gets it.
1228
00:54:51,756 --> 00:54:54,123
What's the deal with him?
1229
00:54:54,125 --> 00:54:55,791
Whoa,
1230
00:54:55,793 --> 00:54:56,492
right?
1231
00:54:56,494 --> 00:54:57,793
I mean, he was,
1232
00:54:59,864 --> 00:55:03,265
he's like, he's like, I
got a theory about him too
1233
00:55:03,267 --> 00:55:05,434
because he was in
Buenos Aires, right?
1234
00:55:05,436 --> 00:55:07,036
During the time of the Junta,
1235
00:55:07,038 --> 00:55:08,637
during the time of
the generals, right?
1236
00:55:08,639 --> 00:55:11,173
When all those people were
killed, he was the guy.
1237
00:55:11,175 --> 00:55:12,574
He was the guy for the
Catholic Church there,
1238
00:55:12,576 --> 00:55:14,443
what did he do?
1239
00:55:14,445 --> 00:55:15,811
What did he say?
1240
00:55:15,813 --> 00:55:17,479
I don't remember anything.
1241
00:55:17,481 --> 00:55:19,281
I remember on the day
he was elected pope,
1242
00:55:19,283 --> 00:55:22,918
I remember thinking,
"Oh, this is not good."
1243
00:55:22,920 --> 00:55:26,622
And then within a
month, he's like,
1244
00:55:26,624 --> 00:55:29,191
"Okay, atheists go to heaven."
1245
00:55:29,960 --> 00:55:31,860
Atheists go to heaven?
1246
00:55:33,864 --> 00:55:35,664
He said if he could
personally apologize
1247
00:55:35,666 --> 00:55:36,832
to every gay and lesbian,
1248
00:55:36,834 --> 00:55:39,234
for the harm caused to them
by the Catholic Church,
1249
00:55:39,236 --> 00:55:40,936
he would like to do that.
1250
00:55:40,938 --> 00:55:44,406
Wow.
(audience applauds)
1251
00:55:46,344 --> 00:55:49,244
Then he said
capitalism is a sin.
1252
00:55:49,246 --> 00:55:50,145
Whoa!
1253
00:55:52,216 --> 00:55:53,449
Oh!
1254
00:55:53,451 --> 00:55:55,851
When he said that I
thought, oh my God.
1255
00:55:55,853 --> 00:55:57,353
I, actually I don't know
if you remember this,
1256
00:55:57,355 --> 00:55:58,687
I volunteered publicly to be
1257
00:55:58,689 --> 00:56:00,956
his soup taste tester, you know?
1258
00:56:00,958 --> 00:56:04,860
Like they're gonna kill
this guy for sure now!
1259
00:56:06,163 --> 00:56:08,831
He said, "When you die,
your pets will be in heaven
1260
00:56:08,833 --> 00:56:10,766
"there to greet you."
1261
00:56:10,768 --> 00:56:13,168
Aww, aww!
1262
00:56:15,306 --> 00:56:17,473
No this guy, right?
1263
00:56:17,475 --> 00:56:19,575
How did he get the job?
1264
00:56:19,577 --> 00:56:22,878
He must have kept
quiet all those years.
1265
00:56:22,880 --> 00:56:24,880
But he's thinking,
he's planning.
1266
00:56:24,882 --> 00:56:26,248
He gets all these
other cardinals
1267
00:56:26,250 --> 00:56:28,517
to think he's some
conservative asshole
1268
00:56:28,519 --> 00:56:31,754
from some South
American dictatorship.
1269
00:56:32,890 --> 00:56:36,959
Then they vote him in,
and they're like, "Whoa!"
1270
00:56:38,095 --> 00:56:40,429
They don't know what to do.
1271
00:56:41,632 --> 00:56:45,601
But he bided his time,
he bided his time.
1272
00:56:45,603 --> 00:56:49,905
And I've had this crazy
feeling lately, and I know,
1273
00:56:49,907 --> 00:56:53,542
I'm sorry to lay too much
optimism on you here tonight,
1274
00:56:53,544 --> 00:56:58,614
what if, what if Hillary
becomes our Pope Francis?
1275
00:56:59,116 --> 00:57:02,351
What if she has her
Pope Frank moment?
1276
00:57:03,320 --> 00:57:06,255
What if all this time, right?
1277
00:57:06,257 --> 00:57:08,590
This has been part
of her long game?
1278
00:57:08,592 --> 00:57:13,028
Like she's had this ambition
since she was a teenager.
1279
00:57:13,030 --> 00:57:15,564
When she was in college she
gave the graduation speech.
1280
00:57:15,566 --> 00:57:18,467
If you read her speech, it
reads like Bernie wrote it.
1281
00:57:18,469 --> 00:57:21,804
This is actually her
voice at the age of 22
1282
00:57:21,806 --> 00:57:24,306
giving her graduation speech.
1283
00:57:24,308 --> 00:57:25,607
Listen to this.
1284
00:57:26,677 --> 00:57:28,277
- [Hillary] The struggle
for an integrated life
1285
00:57:28,279 --> 00:57:31,847
existing in an atmosphere of
communal trust and respect
1286
00:57:31,849 --> 00:57:33,782
is one with
desperately important
1287
00:57:33,784 --> 00:57:36,318
political and
social consequences.
1288
00:57:36,320 --> 00:57:37,753
And the word
consequences, of course,
1289
00:57:37,755 --> 00:57:40,088
catapults us into the future.
1290
00:57:40,090 --> 00:57:42,791
One of the most tragic things
that happened yesterday,
1291
00:57:42,793 --> 00:57:45,194
a beautiful day, was that
I was talking to a woman
1292
00:57:45,196 --> 00:57:46,628
who said she wouldn't
want to be me
1293
00:57:46,630 --> 00:57:48,297
for anything in the world.
1294
00:57:48,299 --> 00:57:50,549
She wouldn't want to live today
1295
00:57:50,550 --> 00:57:52,800
and look ahead to what it is
she sees, because she's afraid.
1296
00:57:52,803 --> 00:57:56,472
Fear is always with us, but we
just don't have time for it.
1297
00:57:56,474 --> 00:57:57,372
Not now.
1298
00:57:58,876 --> 00:57:59,775
- Fear.
1299
00:57:59,777 --> 00:58:05,047
It's like the women of
Hillary's generation
1300
00:58:06,183 --> 00:58:10,152
were the first feminists
of the modern era.
1301
00:58:10,154 --> 00:58:12,221
They were raised by women.
1302
00:58:12,223 --> 00:58:14,056
Their mothers and grandmothers
1303
00:58:14,058 --> 00:58:15,724
had to go to work
during World War II
1304
00:58:15,726 --> 00:58:17,359
because the men were gone.
1305
00:58:17,361 --> 00:58:18,460
It was the first time
women were able to
1306
00:58:18,462 --> 00:58:20,496
leave the house and have a job.
1307
00:58:20,498 --> 00:58:22,364
And they worked in factories,
they worked in the office,
1308
00:58:22,366 --> 00:58:23,932
they ran the country.
1309
00:58:23,934 --> 00:58:25,767
They did all the work.
1310
00:58:25,769 --> 00:58:27,369
And then after the
war, the men came home
1311
00:58:27,371 --> 00:58:29,838
and they told the women
to go back to the kitchen,
1312
00:58:29,840 --> 00:58:32,140
and they did, most of them.
1313
00:58:33,477 --> 00:58:35,277
But they didn't,
1314
00:58:35,279 --> 00:58:37,679
they didn't leave or
forget what it was like
1315
00:58:37,681 --> 00:58:41,149
to have that freedom to
earn their own money.
1316
00:58:41,151 --> 00:58:43,485
The women of that
World War II generation
1317
00:58:43,487 --> 00:58:46,121
raised that next generation.
1318
00:58:46,123 --> 00:58:48,991
That's Hillary's generation.
1319
00:58:48,993 --> 00:58:51,894
There's women in here
tonight of that generation,
1320
00:58:51,896 --> 00:58:53,529
of my generation even.
1321
00:58:53,531 --> 00:58:56,198
You know what it
was like back then.
1322
00:58:56,200 --> 00:58:58,834
Younger people in here, I
gotta tell you something.
1323
00:58:58,836 --> 00:59:00,469
It was not pleasant
1324
00:59:01,272 --> 00:59:03,772
to stand up for what
you believed in.
1325
00:59:03,774 --> 00:59:05,007
It was not easy
1326
00:59:06,777 --> 00:59:10,512
to say, "I want it
to be this way."
1327
00:59:10,514 --> 00:59:12,447
The harassment
that they suffered,
1328
00:59:12,449 --> 00:59:16,084
the abuse that they
took at work, at school,
1329
00:59:16,086 --> 00:59:18,053
if they decided to stand up
1330
00:59:18,055 --> 00:59:20,422
they were sure to be alone,
1331
00:59:20,424 --> 00:59:22,057
other than a few other women,
1332
00:59:22,059 --> 00:59:25,027
young girls that were with them.
1333
00:59:25,029 --> 00:59:26,728
Hillary went through
this whole thing.
1334
00:59:26,730 --> 00:59:28,430
She went through the same thing.
1335
00:59:28,432 --> 00:59:30,065
I'm seeing some women
nod their heads,
1336
00:59:30,067 --> 00:59:32,067
you know what I'm talking about.
1337
00:59:32,069 --> 00:59:33,936
You know, getting pinched
on the ass everyday
1338
00:59:33,938 --> 00:59:35,871
was a common occurrence.
1339
00:59:35,873 --> 00:59:39,374
You could say all
kinds of shit to women.
1340
00:59:39,376 --> 00:59:41,476
You could threaten them.
1341
00:59:41,478 --> 00:59:42,844
There was no such thing as
1342
00:59:42,846 --> 00:59:45,714
battered spousal
abuse, whatever.
1343
00:59:45,716 --> 00:59:47,249
There was not a word for it.
1344
00:59:47,251 --> 00:59:49,618
And the shit that Hillary took
1345
00:59:49,620 --> 00:59:51,653
as a young woman,
1346
00:59:51,655 --> 00:59:55,057
marrying Bill Clinton,
going to Arkansas.
1347
00:59:55,059 --> 00:59:58,260
She decided that she was
going to have her own job.
1348
00:59:58,262 --> 01:00:01,129
She was going to work
for the Legal Aid Society
1349
01:00:01,131 --> 01:00:04,199
helping poor people
with free legal help.
1350
01:00:04,201 --> 01:00:08,604
And people in Arkansas
were like, "What's this?"
1351
01:00:08,606 --> 01:00:10,739
He lost his election,
1352
01:00:10,741 --> 01:00:12,774
according to the
pundits in Arkansas,
1353
01:00:12,776 --> 01:00:15,911
because she refused to
change her last name to his.
1354
01:00:15,913 --> 01:00:19,281
She was known as Hillary Rodham,
1355
01:00:19,283 --> 01:00:20,882
and all the papers,
everybody said,
1356
01:00:20,884 --> 01:00:23,785
"Well you know,
this is Arkansas."
1357
01:00:25,155 --> 01:00:27,723
And so to help him out
in the next election
1358
01:00:27,725 --> 01:00:29,458
she changed her name
1359
01:00:30,327 --> 01:00:33,228
to Hillary Rodham Clinton.
1360
01:00:33,230 --> 01:00:37,499
And to help him out further
on, she dropped the Rodham.
1361
01:00:37,501 --> 01:00:41,103
She was willing to subjugate
and submerge herself
1362
01:00:41,105 --> 01:00:45,240
to help him do this, and
to take the shit for it.
1363
01:00:46,510 --> 01:00:48,043
I have a theory about this,
1364
01:00:48,045 --> 01:00:50,379
I don't think she's
forgotten one bit of this.
1365
01:00:50,381 --> 01:00:52,047
(audience laughs)
1366
01:00:52,049 --> 01:00:56,051
I don't think she's
forgotten one single inch
1367
01:00:56,053 --> 01:00:58,754
of this abuse from the time
she was in high school,
1368
01:00:58,756 --> 01:01:02,557
all the way up until 10
o'clock this morning.
1369
01:01:03,961 --> 01:01:06,028
I think it's all there.
1370
01:01:06,030 --> 01:01:10,298
And I think that she's
been biding her time.
1371
01:01:10,300 --> 01:01:13,702
My hope, my optimism for this,
1372
01:01:14,371 --> 01:01:18,473
Hillary, if you're
watching this right now,
1373
01:01:18,475 --> 01:01:20,575
I have a feeling
somebody is going to
1374
01:01:20,577 --> 01:01:22,644
slip you a tape of this.
1375
01:01:24,248 --> 01:01:27,149
I just want to
tell you something.
1376
01:01:27,151 --> 01:01:29,851
I know you've been
waiting, and waiting,
1377
01:01:29,853 --> 01:01:34,156
and waiting, and waiting.
1378
01:01:34,158 --> 01:01:35,957
But you're not alone.
1379
01:01:37,194 --> 01:01:39,661
A whole bunch of the rest
of us have been waiting
1380
01:01:39,663 --> 01:01:43,932
for that glorious moment
when the other gender,
1381
01:01:43,934 --> 01:01:48,704
the majority gender, has a
chance to run this world,
1382
01:01:48,706 --> 01:01:53,241
to have real power, and
kick some righteous ass.
1383
01:01:53,243 --> 01:01:55,744
(audience cheers and applauds)
1384
01:01:55,746 --> 01:01:59,548
And we are counting on
you to do this,
1385
01:02:00,417 --> 01:02:02,584
right?
1386
01:02:02,585 --> 01:02:04,752
(audience cheers and applauds)
1387
01:02:12,162 --> 01:02:15,530
I wanna see what that world
looks like, don't you?
1388
01:02:15,532 --> 01:02:18,467
(audience cheers)
1389
01:02:18,469 --> 01:02:20,569
Where she's just gonna
go in there and says,
1390
01:02:20,571 --> 01:02:22,738
"Enough of the bullshit."
1391
01:02:23,574 --> 01:02:27,776
Inauguration Day, after
all the inaugural balls,
1392
01:02:27,778 --> 01:02:31,313
they pull up to the White
House, her and Bill to go in.
1393
01:02:31,315 --> 01:02:33,048
She says, "No Bill,
no, no, no, no.
1394
01:02:33,050 --> 01:02:35,717
"You're staying at Blair House.
1395
01:02:35,719 --> 01:02:37,986
"I'm gonna go in here
and run the country
1396
01:02:37,988 --> 01:02:40,722
"the way it should've been run."
1397
01:02:41,725 --> 01:02:43,425
And then she goes in there
and she just starts signing
1398
01:02:43,427 --> 01:02:45,627
one Executive Order
after another.
1399
01:02:45,629 --> 01:02:47,395
Her first 100 days, right?
1400
01:02:47,397 --> 01:02:48,797
Like FDR,
1401
01:02:48,799 --> 01:02:50,165
like doesn't need Congress,
1402
01:02:50,167 --> 01:02:51,666
just start signing
Executive Orders.
1403
01:02:51,668 --> 01:02:53,502
Immigrants, you stay.
1404
01:02:53,504 --> 01:02:54,402
Signed.
1405
01:02:54,404 --> 01:02:58,039
Flint, Michigan, new water
pipes for you, signed.
1406
01:02:58,041 --> 01:03:00,809
(audience applauds)
1407
01:03:00,811 --> 01:03:02,244
Food and Drug Administration,
1408
01:03:02,246 --> 01:03:06,047
high fructose corn
syrup banned, signed.
1409
01:03:06,049 --> 01:03:08,283
(audience applauds)
1410
01:03:08,285 --> 01:03:12,621
Prisons, release all
non-violent drug offenders now.
1411
01:03:12,623 --> 01:03:14,256
Signed.
1412
01:03:14,258 --> 01:03:17,325
(audience applauds)
1413
01:03:19,730 --> 01:03:23,265
Justice Department,
prosecute all police
1414
01:03:23,267 --> 01:03:27,936
who kill unarmed
black men now, signed!
1415
01:03:27,938 --> 01:03:30,872
(audience applauds)
1416
01:03:30,874 --> 01:03:32,607
Well that's my hope.
1417
01:03:33,811 --> 01:03:37,145
And after that, after she
signs these Executive Orders,
1418
01:03:37,147 --> 01:03:39,314
then she puts on those
shit-kicking boots
1419
01:03:39,316 --> 01:03:43,185
that Beyonce wore on the
football field,
1420
01:03:43,187 --> 01:03:45,554
and she goes up to Capitol
Hill, and she says,
1421
01:03:45,556 --> 01:03:48,056
"Okay, I'm here to
end the gridlock.
1422
01:03:48,058 --> 01:03:49,124
"No kumbaya.
1423
01:03:51,228 --> 01:03:53,361
"Who's up for it?"
1424
01:03:53,363 --> 01:03:55,931
Because the average American
believes in fairness.
1425
01:03:55,933 --> 01:03:57,833
They believe women should
be paid the same as men.
1426
01:03:57,835 --> 01:03:59,201
They want to drink clean water,
1427
01:03:59,203 --> 01:04:01,436
they want to breathe clean air,
1428
01:04:01,438 --> 01:04:05,574
the majority of Americans do
believe in climate change.
1429
01:04:05,576 --> 01:04:07,509
And if these guys aren't
gonna do their job,
1430
01:04:07,511 --> 01:04:10,478
she'll make them do the job.
1431
01:04:10,480 --> 01:04:13,181
And she can be our Pope Francis,
1432
01:04:13,183 --> 01:04:15,350
maybe, right?
1433
01:04:16,186 --> 01:04:19,054
But here's what I, this
is, I want to say this
1434
01:04:19,056 --> 01:04:21,723
just to close out, because
1435
01:04:21,725 --> 01:04:25,961
I think that this
isn't gonna happen
1436
01:04:25,963 --> 01:04:27,462
if we leave her on her own again
1437
01:04:27,464 --> 01:04:32,467
the way we abandoned her back
during the healthcare days.
1438
01:04:32,469 --> 01:04:35,270
She's gonna need a
revolution behind her,
1439
01:04:35,272 --> 01:04:36,905
the Bernie revolution.
1440
01:04:36,907 --> 01:04:38,473
That's what Bernie
says, November 9th,
1441
01:04:38,475 --> 01:04:40,508
the day after the
election, right?
1442
01:04:40,510 --> 01:04:44,913
It's our responsibility
to hold her to her word,
1443
01:04:44,915 --> 01:04:47,482
but also when she
does follow through
1444
01:04:47,484 --> 01:04:50,952
to be there to support
her, and get behind her.
1445
01:04:50,954 --> 01:04:54,556
And let me say this,
if for some reason
1446
01:04:55,726 --> 01:04:59,895
she goes back on her word,
she doesn't do these things,
1447
01:04:59,897 --> 01:05:02,297
and after two years of this,
1448
01:05:02,299 --> 01:05:04,633
she hasn't done what
she said she's gonna do,
1449
01:05:04,635 --> 01:05:10,305
I am here tonight in Wilmington,
Ohio to announce to you
1450
01:05:10,307 --> 01:05:14,609
my candidacy for president
of the United States in 2020!
1451
01:05:14,611 --> 01:05:17,345
(audience applauds)
(grand music)
1452
01:05:17,347 --> 01:05:18,613
I will run!
1453
01:05:18,615 --> 01:05:19,581
I will run!
1454
01:05:21,818 --> 01:05:24,986
I know Kanye has already
said he's gonna run,
1455
01:05:24,988 --> 01:05:28,223
I'll run with Kanye and
Kanye can run with me.
1456
01:05:28,225 --> 01:05:32,294
I will run for President
of the United States!
1457
01:05:32,296 --> 01:05:35,897
And ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen,
1458
01:05:35,899 --> 01:05:38,533
let me tell you
what I'm going to do
1459
01:05:38,535 --> 01:05:41,469
if you elect me
president in 2020.
1460
01:05:41,471 --> 01:05:45,707
Number one, there will be one
charge cord for all devices,
1461
01:05:46,910 --> 01:05:51,146
your phone, your tablet, your
computer, one charge cord.
1462
01:05:52,649 --> 01:05:56,818
If you elect me president,
free HBO for all Americans!
1463
01:05:56,820 --> 01:06:00,689
(audience applauds)
Yes!
1464
01:06:00,691 --> 01:06:03,658
I will save the
US Postal Service
1465
01:06:03,660 --> 01:06:07,829
by having every mailman
and mailwoman, on Friday,
1466
01:06:07,831 --> 01:06:11,633
deliver one gram of
weed to your mailbox,
1467
01:06:11,635 --> 01:06:13,802
everybody, everybody!
1468
01:06:13,804 --> 01:06:15,787
(audience applauds)
1469
01:06:15,788 --> 01:06:17,771
For the weekend, two joints,
1470
01:06:17,774 --> 01:06:20,475
two joints for all
Americans every weekend!
1471
01:06:20,477 --> 01:06:22,877
It will be a better weekend.
1472
01:06:25,048 --> 01:06:26,281
When I'm president,
1473
01:06:26,283 --> 01:06:29,985
only women will be able
to buy and own guns.
1474
01:06:29,987 --> 01:06:31,619
(audience applauds)
1475
01:06:31,621 --> 01:06:33,388
I will bring down
the murder rate
1476
01:06:33,390 --> 01:06:36,091
significantly with this plan.
1477
01:06:36,093 --> 01:06:38,159
In case we need to go to war,
1478
01:06:38,161 --> 01:06:40,996
the first people on the
ship over to the war
1479
01:06:40,998 --> 01:06:43,765
will be the
offspring of the CEOs
1480
01:06:43,767 --> 01:06:47,836
and the members of Congress,
they will go first.
1481
01:06:49,506 --> 01:06:53,108
When I'm president,
corporations will not be people.
1482
01:06:53,110 --> 01:06:55,610
(audience applauds)
1483
01:06:55,612 --> 01:06:58,913
We're gonna have a new national
anthem, one we can sing,
1484
01:06:58,915 --> 01:07:02,951
and one that doesn't have
a racist third verse.
1485
01:07:02,953 --> 01:07:04,853
Our new national anthem will be
1486
01:07:04,855 --> 01:07:07,756
We Are the Champions
of the World.
1487
01:07:09,426 --> 01:07:12,093
We're gonna have new enemies,
1488
01:07:12,095 --> 01:07:15,330
no more of this North
Korean and Iran shit.
1489
01:07:15,332 --> 01:07:18,700
Our new enemies will be
Monsanto and Wells Fargo.
1490
01:07:18,702 --> 01:07:21,770
(audience applauds)
1491
01:07:23,840 --> 01:07:27,575
And finally, during my four
years in the White House,
1492
01:07:27,577 --> 01:07:29,878
there will be free banana splits
1493
01:07:29,880 --> 01:07:32,280
for every American on
the Fourth of July,
1494
01:07:32,282 --> 01:07:34,449
sent to you from
Wilmington, Ohio.
1495
01:07:34,451 --> 01:07:37,719
Everybody's gonna work,
everybody's gonna work here.
1496
01:07:37,721 --> 01:07:40,422
(audience applauds)
1497
01:07:40,424 --> 01:07:42,157
And let me tell you,
1498
01:07:43,660 --> 01:07:44,893
as we close,
1499
01:07:44,895 --> 01:07:47,595
I just want to say a
word again about Hillary
1500
01:07:47,597 --> 01:07:50,799
and you still don't like
her, you still hate her.
1501
01:07:50,801 --> 01:07:53,435
You don't wanna vote for her.
1502
01:07:53,437 --> 01:07:56,638
Let me just say this
to you very sincerely.
1503
01:07:56,640 --> 01:07:59,607
I'm gonna ask you to make a
sacrifice for your country.
1504
01:07:59,609 --> 01:08:02,077
And I'm not gonna ask
you to stop hating her.
1505
01:08:02,079 --> 01:08:05,713
If you want to hate her, just
keep hating her, all right?
1506
01:08:05,715 --> 01:08:08,116
I don't want to try and
convince you any more of this.
1507
01:08:08,118 --> 01:08:09,651
If you hate her, hate her.
1508
01:08:09,653 --> 01:08:12,821
I want you to get up on
Election Day on November 8th,
1509
01:08:12,823 --> 01:08:13,955
and I want you to
wake up out of your
1510
01:08:13,957 --> 01:08:16,057
Hillary nightmare dream.
1511
01:08:16,059 --> 01:08:17,292
I want you to get in the shower
1512
01:08:17,294 --> 01:08:19,761
and have a real
hate Hillary shower.
1513
01:08:19,763 --> 01:08:22,330
Suds yourself up,
rinse and repeat.
1514
01:08:22,332 --> 01:08:23,731
Then get in the car
1515
01:08:23,733 --> 01:08:25,366
and drive with all
the road rage you can.
1516
01:08:25,368 --> 01:08:27,302
"Oh, I hate Hillary!
1517
01:08:27,304 --> 01:08:29,237
"I hate her so much!"
1518
01:08:29,239 --> 01:08:31,206
And I want you to
drive to the polls,
1519
01:08:31,208 --> 01:08:33,408
I want you to
drive to the polls.
1520
01:08:33,409 --> 01:08:35,609
Get out of the car, walk in
there, go in the voting booth,
1521
01:08:35,612 --> 01:08:37,078
and you're gonna see
her name on the ballot
1522
01:08:37,080 --> 01:08:40,748
and you're gonna go,
"Mother fucking Hillary!
1523
01:08:40,750 --> 01:08:42,217
"No way!"
1524
01:08:42,219 --> 01:08:45,787
But yes way, way because
America needs you.
1525
01:08:45,789 --> 01:08:48,656
You're gonna do this for
your country, all right?
1526
01:08:48,658 --> 01:08:50,091
Keep hating her, though.
1527
01:08:50,093 --> 01:08:51,926
Keep hating her all you want.
1528
01:08:51,928 --> 01:08:53,428
But just pick up that pen.
1529
01:08:53,430 --> 01:08:54,429
Pick up that pen.
1530
01:08:54,431 --> 01:08:55,697
You might need the other hand.
1531
01:08:55,699 --> 01:08:57,065
Hold it down, hold your arm,
1532
01:08:57,067 --> 01:08:59,100
"No, I can't I hate her!"
1533
01:08:59,102 --> 01:09:00,702
Yes, I know.
1534
01:09:00,704 --> 01:09:04,405
(screams) "No, don't
make me Mike, no!
1535
01:09:04,407 --> 01:09:05,306
"No, yes!"
1536
01:09:05,308 --> 01:09:06,307
Do it!
1537
01:09:06,309 --> 01:09:07,842
Boom.
1538
01:09:07,844 --> 01:09:10,912
"Oh, I feel so awful.
1539
01:09:10,914 --> 01:09:14,182
"I voted for Hillary Clinton."
1540
01:09:14,184 --> 01:09:17,418
That's okay, feel
awful, you should.
1541
01:09:17,420 --> 01:09:19,888
Go home, keep
hating all you want,
1542
01:09:19,890 --> 01:09:22,223
but you've done something
good for this country.
1543
01:09:22,225 --> 01:09:24,025
And on that night, at 11pm,
1544
01:09:24,027 --> 01:09:26,461
when the poll results come in
1545
01:09:26,463 --> 01:09:27,795
and we find out
that we've elected
1546
01:09:27,797 --> 01:09:30,565
the first woman president
of the United States,
1547
01:09:30,567 --> 01:09:33,034
we are all gonna
rejoice, aren't we folks?
1548
01:09:33,036 --> 01:09:34,636
(audience applauds)
1549
01:09:34,638 --> 01:09:37,672
We are all gonna
have a big party.
1550
01:09:37,674 --> 01:09:38,740
A big party.
1551
01:09:39,776 --> 01:09:41,442
And we're gonna celebrate.
1552
01:09:41,444 --> 01:09:45,613
We're gonna go and dig up Vince
Foster and kill him again!
1553
01:09:45,615 --> 01:09:47,715
Thank you everybody, good night!
1554
01:09:47,717 --> 01:09:50,919
(audience applauds)
1555
01:09:50,921 --> 01:09:54,122
Thank you, thank you!
1556
01:09:54,124 --> 01:09:58,159
(grand orchestral music)
1557
01:09:58,161 --> 01:09:59,060
Go vote!
1558
01:10:00,764 --> 01:10:02,997
Go vote, Ohio!
1559
01:10:03,767 --> 01:10:04,866
Trumpland!
1560
01:10:04,868 --> 01:10:08,336
(grand orchestral music)
1561
01:10:09,139 --> 01:10:10,805
Thank you everyone!
1562
01:10:10,807 --> 01:10:13,208
(grand orchestral music)
1563
01:10:13,210 --> 01:10:15,843
(audience applauds)
1564
01:10:15,845 --> 01:10:19,347
(grand orchestral music)
1565
01:10:30,026 --> 01:10:32,927
Mexicans up there,
don't forget to pay!
1566
01:10:32,929 --> 01:10:36,130
When you leave the wall, you
have to pay for that wall.
117760
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