All language subtitles for How I Met Your Father S01E07 engd

Ba-ba-ba-ba,
ba-ba-ba-ba

Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da

Ripped and corrected by
- YoungJedi -

Son, this is the story

of my first life-changing opportunity
as a photographer.

Okay. At least your
work stories have less sex.

True,

but this one has drugs.

Hi, you must be Amber.

We spoke on the phone.

I'm Sophie Tompkins,
here to see Naomi Reisberg.

I can't believe
I'm saying those words out loud.

I have idolized Ms. Reisberg
since forever.

And now, she wants to meet me...

Oh, it's just been a dream
to show in her gallery, and...

I even wore my good luck bangles!

Naomi, Shortie McTalkie is here to see you.

Everyone in our system has a nickname.
Nothing personal.

That felt personal. Don't care.

I'm meeting Naomi Reisberg.

Honestly, this is such an honor.

You know, I submitted my work
a couple months ago,

and I never heard back
so then I just assumed

that you weren't interested
in showing my photographs--

Oh, I'm not.

My daughter Rivka's
bat mitzvah is this Saturday,

and our photographer
dropped out at the last second.

So, I had Amber dig
through our submissions

to find someone halfway decent
who'd be available, and that's you.

Halfway decent and available.

Uh... Thanks?

I really thought you called me
in here about my artistic work.

- You didn't even look at my portfolio?
- No.

I looked at the event
photography on your web site.

Oh. Cool. Cool.

Listen, Sophie, I never do this,

but I'm three days out from the party,

and it's either you
or my mom and her iPad.

So, how about this?

You do a good job on Saturday,

and I'll take a look
at your artistic portfolio.

Oh my god! That would be amazing!

- Great.
- Okay.

My baby only becomes a woman once,

and this party is a who's who
of New York royalty,

so I want every moment captured.

Lin-Manuel Miranda gives a speech? Photo.

Billy Porter eats a lettuce wrap? Photo.

Anderson Cooper gets wasted
and dances by himself

to the new Adele song?
Photo, photo, photo!

Obviously, you'll need to bring
your best assistant.

Obviously.

Yeah. I mean, I never go
anywhere without my assistant.

Who do you think's parking
my car right now?

Look at you literally whistling
while you work.

I've never seen you this
happy with your pants on.

Well, what can I say?
I love earning an honest living.

Although, now you mention it,
this job would be heaven without pants.

Ellen, what are your plans for today?

I'm working on my memoirs.
And by working,

I mean reading
one celebrity memoir a week.

And by reading, I mean listening,
so my hands are free for snacking.

Don't you miss working?

I'm... figuring out my next career move.

And I can get by on the checks
from my farm, so--

You see, work gives me a purpose,

and a drive,

and the self-esteem
of a nerd in Silicon Valley.

I mean, just look at all these five-star
Yelp reviews I've received.

"Love that British bartender."

Eh?

"Come for the drinks,
stay for the Charlie."

- Hey!
- And my personal favorite,

"That British hunk is so hot

that I started drinking again
just to see him."

That's not good.

Ahem!

You are looking at

the official photographer

for renowned gallerist Naomi Reisberg's...

...daughter's bat mitzvah on Saturday!

Aw, you're doing that thing
where you say, like,

sad words in a happy voice. I do it.

This bar is hemorrhaging money!

Okay, I know it's not exactly

what I was hoping for,

but Naomi did say that
she would look at my portfolio

if I crushed the bat mitzvah photos.

Which I plan on doing with
the help of my assistant...

Valentina.

Oh! I can't.

I have to go into the office on Saturday.

We're dressing, like,
six huge names for a premiere,

and I still need to accessorize
Timothée Chalamet.

Wait, Timothée Chalamet, the pro wrestler?

Yep. Back then, he was
a tiny little movie star.

God, your job is so cool.

I mean, your career is in the fast lane,

and my career is hitchhiking
on the side of the road,

and there's no takers.

Okay, fine.

Let's, uh, bat that mitzvah.

Yes!

Oh, Charlie, I need you
to pick up a shift on Saturday.

Jesse and I are doing
a classic Pound Day.

I'm sorry, what?

I just heard it. Guys,

keep your heads out of the gutter, okay?
A Pound Day is when

we both have a lot of work to do.
We lock ourselves in our apartment,

we get a bunch of snacks, and we pound--

- Each other!
- Yeah!

No!

We pound out our work. We keep
each other from procrastinating.

Mm-hmm. Hannah's on me about
doing my wedding guest list.

And I'm finally gonna write
my first song as a solo artist,

without Meredith,
and it's gonna be awesome! I mean...

Sonny wrote a ton
of hits without Cher, I think.

Nope.

He became the mayor of Palm Springs,
and then a congressman.

He revolutionized
the United States copyright law.

It's all in his memoir!

Hey, I know it's gotta feel like a lot

to dive back into writing
songs without Meredith,

but you got this.

Thanks.

Just... hope I'm ready.

I know that you are.

- But, just in case...
- Yeah?

- Take a good look bangle.
- Good luck bangle?

Yeah. I mean, just to help you
win your future Grammy,

and if you do, then you have
to thank me in your speech.

- Sure.
- Before your mom. And God.

Deal.

Alright! Time to get our
guest listing and songwriting on.

Woo! Let's pound, baby. Mm.

Okay, I can't write songs with some bird
just creepily staring at me

with its beady eyes and its pecky beak.

Hey, shoo, you good-for-nothing
winged rat!

Ah! Ah! He summoned a friend!

How do you make a bird
leave your windowsill?

We tried to "shoo." It didn't work.

- That's how you Google things?
- Yeah.

- Jesse... Check this out.
- Yeah.

- Bird makeup tutorial
- That is not at all helpful--

Wow, she does all that
with just face paint?

Yeah, there's no way.
It's way too real.

Hi, fam. Wanna look like a bird?

Stop, stop, stop, stop.
This is an 18-minute video.

- We're supposed to be working.
- You're right.

- Just one minute.
- Yeah! We gotta see how she...

Just one minute, just one minute.

Ellen, I have horrible news.

I have received a one-star
Yelp review. Ready?

"Great bar, except for
the insufferable British guy.

"The only thing worse than his drinks...

is his flat butt."

I mean, it's not true, is it?
Everybody knows

I have a juicy bubble butt.

Dude, who cares? It's just Yelp.

It's where white people go to complain
about how spicy Thai restaurants are.

I care, Ellen! My pristine
reputation is on the line!

I must figure out who wrote
this dastardly review

and get them to revise it.

I will not sleep or eat,
until I have done so.

- You just--
- I mean starting now.

Oh good, you're here.
These are all the guests

with whom Rivka should be photographed.

Start with titans of industry,

followed by Tony Award winners,

then Tony Award nominees,

and if you get around to it,
friends and family.

Oh! Here's Rivka.

Oh. My. God. You did not tell me

this was Rivka Rebel's bat mitzvah.

She has, like, a gazillion
followers on Instagram.

- Oh.
- You know this pose?

That was her. She did it first.

Rivka, meet your photographer, Sophie,

and this is her assistant, Valentina.

Hey, Rivka. Mazel on your mitzvah.

Remember, you can contour a bad nose,

but not a bad attitude.

Find your light, Rebels!

Rivka out.

And Sophie in!

I would love to get a photo--

Sorry, I don't pose for amateurs.

Good luck.

That's why our other
photographer dropped out.

Oh, and watch out for Lin-Manuel Miranda.

He loves to photobomb.

Okay, who's the cruel Yelper?

Sylvia. Oh my god, it's Sylvia!

Well, she's totally
unaffected by my charm.

Last week, I asked her
if she wanted a Charlie Special.

What's that?

Oh, it's a special drink
with a haiku written by me.

Oh...

But Sylvia says she doesn't appreciate
"amateur poetry." And look.

The review was written by
RavenHairedMaven712.

Sylvia has jet-black hair.

She's the maven!

Time to get her to re-Yelp.

Ellen, prepare to see
a charm offensive. Ooh!

Should we go "bright and cheery"
or "sexy voice"?

- Bright and cheery.
- Not sexy--

- No, no, no.
- Okay.

Sylvia! Darling! Is that a new top?

I've had this top for over 40 years.

But, you should probably change yours.

It's very unflattering.

Right.

At least she didn't say anything
mean about your butt.

- Should've done sexy voice.
- No.

Ready? One, two, three.

Wow! This is exactly what
I'd look like if I was a bird.

And-and you look...

Can I try again? I'm so sorry.

Hm...

Nah. I'm like a late bloomer bird, right?

Had some tough years in high school,
but I'm going into comedy.

Hm.

Okay. Time to get back to work, right?

- Yep. Mm-hmm. Back to work.
- Back to work.

We can't not take pictures
first, though, right?

Okay. Let's go get our phones,
you beautiful bird genius!

Rivka. I just need
to get one picture of you

in front of that neon sign,

and then you can
live your hashtag best life.

Oh my god, Rebels.

This photographer lady is tragic.

How am I supposed to crush
the bat mitzvah photos

when the bat mitzvah girl
won't even acknowledge me?

She acknowledged you.
You're... tragic.

Let me try to talk to her.
I'm in fashion, I speak teen.

The trick is to mispronounce
things confidently.

Wertch and lurnnn, gir'.

What urrrrrp?

Not bad. Oh, and neither
are your boots.

How did someone like you
get their old-ass feet

into a pair of limited edition YSLs?

Well, I work for Fred Z right now,

but my Instagram is blowing up,

so designers are reaching out
to me directly.

I could get you some great stuff.

All you'd have to do
is take a selfie with me.

Hm. Hm. Yeah. No.

Hey, you're supposed to be helping me,

not trying to get a selfie with her.

Sorry, sorry! I just thought a pic
with her would be great for my brand.

You seem really tense. You want a Xanax?

I picked some up for when we had
to go to Sid's improv show.

No. You know I can't do pills.

The last time I took a Benadryl,
I emailed my cousin

and told him I've always
wanted to kiss him.

Ew! Soph!

Whatever! He's an underwear model,

and I see him, like, twice a year.

But you're animal control!
I mean, it's literally your job

to come over here
and control these animals...

Wow, I am a sexy bird.

H-hello? He hung up.

Siri, Google "how to get rid of
trapped birds in your apartment."

Oh, there's a new TikTok dance craze

called the Trapped Bird.

So, fam, you want to learn
how to do The Trapped Bird?

Stop, stop, stop, stop.
No more viral bird crazes, alright?

We just gotta go in there,
put the snacks out on the fire escape,

- and then the birds will leave.
- Right 'cause birds love snacks.

They're only human.

Okay, ready?
- Yep.

- Oh my god! Oh my god!
- Oh my god! Oh my god!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Come on!

Follow your leaders,
you disgusting gutter flappers!

Oh!

Oh, it's locked.

Mommy, look at those strange ladies.

We are not ladies!
We're two men in pigeon makeup!

Sylvia! How about a joke? Um...

Why did the bartender
put laxatives in the drink?

You put laxatives in my drink?

No, of course not. It's just a joke.

Why did the bartender put--

Why did the bartender
put laxatives in the drink?

For shits and giggles!
That's the punchline!

- I hate prank comedy.
- Of course you do, Sylvia...

Well, that was a disaster
of epic proportions.

Yeah, I know.

Wait a minute...

"The British bartender's tight pants

are a disaster of epic proportions..."

So, Sylvia and I use the same idioms.
That means less than nothing.

"His service skills are
less than nothing!" Ellen?

Are you the Raven-Haired Maven?

No, I'm not!

I don't even have...

Oh hello, Yelp.

I do not remember downloading you.

Oh, right...

Alright. I'm off
to work the late shift.

You know, it's not
just clocking in to a job.

It is clocking in to a purpose.

You should really try it. Hm.

After you left, I had way
more than my usual half martini,

aka Tiny-Tini,

and it must have gone to my head.

You don't have a purpose, Ellen!

You should get a job, Ellen!

Guess what?

Your butt's flat!

Ellen, why would you
write such horrible things?

I don't know.

I mean, you have been kind of
throwing your new job in my face,

and I guess...
I'm a little jealous of you.

We both got to New York
at the exact same time,

and you already have
a girlfriend that you love,

and a job that you're great at.

You're lapping me at everything.

- Ellen, no.
- It's fine.

Don't you dare watch me sad walk away!

So then, I was like,

"Not going to happen, Kanye.
Not while you're with Kim."

Okurrr?

Uh, Val? You're supposed
to be helping me.

What the hell?

Okay, I know this looks bad,

but I got her to tag me,

and it already has 6,000 likes.

Imagine what this will do for my brand.

Are you seriously still
talking to me about your brand?

Oh my god. It just hit me.

Am I talking really fast?
I feel like I'm talking really fast.

Let's twerk.

- What's wrong with them?
- I don't know.

They remind me of
my first time on Adderall.

Oh no.

So, they stole my tin of drugs.

You seem really tense.
Do you want a Xanax?

- Lose the purse.
- Oh.

- What? What was in there?
- Not much!

Just a Xanax I offered you.
And some Canadian Adderall.

And some Ambien because I couldn't sleep
after I took all the Canadian Adderall.

God. High little children.

Everyone, get in the corner
and... and huddle up!

You know, none of this would have happened
if you hadn't have been obsessed

with getting your stupid
selfie with Rivka.

You made today all about
you and your brand,

even though you already
have an amazing job.

No, I don't.

My job is a nightmare.

What are you talking about?

Your job always sounds
so fancy and glamorous--

Because I make it sound that way.

But the truth is glamorous
things happen around me,

while I do menial grunt work
for a psychopathic stylist.

Remember when I said I was going to spend
today accessorizing Timothée Chalamet?

That was a lie. I was actually
supposed to get the pit stains

out of my boss's suede jacket
before returning it to Balenciaga.

And if they noticed the pit stains,
I was supposed to say...

my pits did it.

Okay, that is so messed up.

Also you have, like,
the least sweaty pits in New York.

I... know! I literally

just drugged a group of kids,
and I'm dry as a bone.

We don't lie to each other, Val.

It's part of our code,
along with our agreement

to never speak about what happened
on Halloween 2018.

- What happened on--
- I'll never tell!

Why didn't you just tell me
your job sucked?

Because...

you've always seen me
as this bad-ass boss bitch...

I didn't want to pop that bubble.

You couldn't if you tried.

You still love me?

Yes, of course I do.

Wait a minute.

They took my other tin.

Huh?

The wintergreen tin
has all the good stuff.

The red tin is just
ibuprofen and probiotics.

Okay, wait. So, you're saying--

The placebo effect is real!

These nerds are just headache
and bloat-free with good gut health.

Hey, dorks, you're all on--

Super intense, very hard illegal drugs.

So, unless you want us to tell your
parents you're, uh, smack heads,

you're gonna go back out there

and act sober.

You wouldn't really
tell my mom, would you?

She said she'd limit my screen time
if she ever caught me with drugs.

My whole life is screen time.
She's going to limit my life!

Oh. Well then,

you better get in there
and give me every shot I need.

When I say smile, you say how hard.

And I'm talking about real smiles.

None of those dead-eyed
Generation Z smiles. You got it?

Yes, ma'am.

That's more like it.
But do not call her ma'am.

- We are not that old.
- Correct.

Out you go. Go on.

Dude, what's wrong with us?

We should be in there
pounding out our tasks,

and instead,
we're trapped out here...

being birds.

Yeah. I don't know, man,
today just felt kind of tough.

Jesse, I'm really struggling
with this guest list, man.

Like, I really just...
I wanna invite people

that are, like, super close to me,
you know?

And so many of those people
are back in New Delhi.

I've been thinking for a long time
that I wanted to have two weddings.

One here, one in India,

but Hannah, she's already killing herself

trying to plan one wedding

and I don't want to
overwhelm her and stuff, you know?

Are you seriously
laughing at me right now?

I'm sorry! You're just...

You're, like, this hideous bird
who wants two weddings!

I couldn't focus today, either.

Sophie called it. I'm scared I'll never
write anything good without Meredith.

Of course you will, man.

You just need new inspiration.

Hello? Anybody home? Super let me in!

- Hey!
- Oh, thank God. Animal control.

Wait!

It this, like, a sex thing?
You won't believe how many times it is.

Knock, knock.

You don't have to mouth-knock.
I don't deserve that courtesy.

'Course you do. Look, Ellen, I...

I'm sorry that I was throwing
my new job in your face.

You know, it wasn't fair.

But it's okay that you're still
finding your footing here.

'Cause I thought you should know
that you are already getting rave reviews.

Oh no. Are you doing a thing?

- You look extremely pleased with yourself.
- What on Earth is this?

A new Yelp review for Ellen Gibson? Well,

let's see what BritishBubbleButt31
has to say about you.

"Ellen Gibson has only been
in New York for a little while,

"but she's already the most interesting,

beautiful, and loyal friend
I've ever had."

- Charlie...
- I know. I outdid myself.

"She's also the most giving woman
I've ever shared a room with.

Just nonstop giving all the time."

Charlie, this sounds like I just...

Is that my actual number?!

Hello?

I hear you're real giving...

So, we need to have another
talk about internet safety.

Great! Okay, Rivka. Now,

let's get one with your
Hebrew school teacher, mid-jump.

Ugh. Fine.

Just don't tag me, Jacob.

Well!

I'm impressed.

And I haven't been impressed
since Cirque du Soleil "Mystere."

A deal's a deal.

Send your absolute best photo to Amber,

the one that sums up
who you are as an artist,

and I'll consider squeezing you in
to our New Voices show.

I know just the one I'm going to send.

Thank you, Naomi.

Thank you. I'll get it to you ASAP.

Wonderful. Valentina.

Oh my god, Sophie, it's happening!

I know! I know!

- So what photo are you gonna send?
- I don't know, I don't know!

I gotta take the perfect shot.

So, Aunt Valentina didn't
actually drug a bunch of tweens,

and I didn't tank my first
life-changing opportunity.

But now, I needed inspiration to strike.

Something someone else was struggling
with at the exact same time.

- Hey, Jesse.
- Yeah?

I talked to Hannah.

She gets it. Okay,

do you know how fine
she's gonna look in a sari?

Hey, man, I'm happy for you.
That you're with a girl that gets it.

Ripped and corrected by
- YoungJedi -