All language subtitles for Deadpool 2016 BluRay 1080p AC3 x264-3Li English
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1
00:03:02,430 --> 00:03:04,850
Kinda lonesome back here.
2
00:03:05,308 --> 00:03:06,348
Yeah, little help.
3
00:03:07,686 --> 00:03:12,146
Okay, just, I have to keep my hands
on the wheel.
4
00:03:13,859 --> 00:03:14,979
Excuse me.
5
00:03:16,653 --> 00:03:17,953
Dopinder.
6
00:03:17,988 --> 00:03:19,988
Pool. Dead.
7
00:03:21,658 --> 00:03:22,618
Nice.
8
00:03:23,785 --> 00:03:24,905
Smells good, no?
9
00:03:24,953 --> 00:03:26,833
Not the Daffodil Daydream. The girl.
10
00:03:27,539 --> 00:03:30,379
Yes. Gita. She is quite lovely.
11
00:03:30,876 --> 00:03:34,496
She would have made me
a very agreeable wife.
12
00:03:35,380 --> 00:03:38,840
But, Gita's heart has been stolen
by my cousin Bandhu.
13
00:03:38,884 --> 00:03:42,854
He is as dishonorable
as he is attractive.
14
00:03:44,014 --> 00:03:47,854
Dopinder, I'm starting to think
there's a reason I'm in this cab today.
15
00:03:48,185 --> 00:03:49,645
Yeah, sir, you called for it, remember?
16
00:03:49,686 --> 00:03:54,516
No, my slender brown friend.
Love is a beautiful thing.
17
00:03:54,566 --> 00:03:57,356
When you find it, the whole world
tastes like Daffodil Daydream.
18
00:03:58,570 --> 00:04:00,360
So you gotta hold onto love...
19
00:04:00,697 --> 00:04:02,157
tight!
20
00:04:02,199 --> 00:04:05,159
And never let go.
Don't make the same mistakes I did.
21
00:04:05,202 --> 00:04:06,452
-Got it?
-Yeah.
22
00:04:06,494 --> 00:04:10,004
Or else the whole world tastes
like Mama June after hot yoga.
23
00:04:10,540 --> 00:04:12,880
Sir, what does Miss Mama June
taste like?
24
00:04:12,918 --> 00:04:15,878
-Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss.
-Okay, enough.
25
00:04:15,921 --> 00:04:18,841
I can go all day, Dopinder.
The point is, it's bad!
26
00:04:18,882 --> 00:04:20,592
It's bad.
27
00:04:21,176 --> 00:04:23,846
Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?
28
00:04:23,887 --> 00:04:25,847
That's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder.
29
00:04:25,889 --> 00:04:28,389
And I'm after someone on my naughty list.
30
00:04:28,433 --> 00:04:30,023
I've been waiting one year, three weeks...
31
00:04:30,060 --> 00:04:32,020
six days and...
32
00:04:32,062 --> 00:04:34,402
14 minutes to make him fix
what he did to me.
33
00:04:36,024 --> 00:04:38,364
And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool?
34
00:04:38,401 --> 00:04:39,741
This shit...
35
00:04:41,279 --> 00:04:41,949
Boo!
36
00:05:02,884 --> 00:05:03,974
They won't disappoint.
37
00:05:04,636 --> 00:05:06,426
They'd better not.
38
00:05:06,471 --> 00:05:08,891
And what about next month's shipment?
39
00:05:08,932 --> 00:05:10,682
There won't be one.
40
00:05:10,725 --> 00:05:12,265
You're not the only one
with a war to win.
41
00:05:13,478 --> 00:05:14,898
That won't do.
42
00:05:17,816 --> 00:05:21,736
See, we've had this small disruption
to our supply chain...
43
00:05:25,574 --> 00:05:27,784
We'd appreciate your patience.
44
00:05:30,287 --> 00:05:31,287
Okay.
45
00:05:31,788 --> 00:05:34,288
We'll deliver in full the following month.
46
00:05:37,794 --> 00:05:38,844
Pleasure doing business with you.
47
00:05:42,799 --> 00:05:44,509
Fucking mutant.
48
00:05:54,519 --> 00:05:56,099
Ah, shit!
49
00:05:56,146 --> 00:05:57,516
I forgot my ammo bag.
50
00:05:57,856 --> 00:06:00,106
-Shall we turn back?
-No, no time.
51
00:06:00,525 --> 00:06:02,105
Fuck it. I got this.
52
00:06:02,152 --> 00:06:05,492
9, 10, 11, 12 bullets, or bust.
53
00:06:05,530 --> 00:06:06,240
Right here!
54
00:06:08,533 --> 00:06:11,123
That's $27.50.
55
00:06:11,161 --> 00:06:12,871
I never carry a wallet when I'm working.
56
00:06:12,913 --> 00:06:14,333
Ruins the lines of my suit.
57
00:06:15,040 --> 00:06:17,250
But, how about a crisp high five?
58
00:06:17,626 --> 00:06:18,456
Okay.
59
00:06:18,502 --> 00:06:19,752
Merry Christmas.
60
00:06:21,087 --> 00:06:24,087
And a convivial Tuesday in April
to you too, Pool!
61
00:06:27,719 --> 00:06:32,599
Shoop shooop ba-doop, shoop ba-doop
Shoop ba-doop, ba-doop, ba-doop
62
00:06:32,641 --> 00:06:34,641
You're packed and you're stacked
'specially in the back
63
00:06:34,684 --> 00:06:37,444
Brother, wanna thank your mother
for a butt like that
64
00:06:37,479 --> 00:06:39,899
Can I get some fries
with that shake-shake boobie?
65
00:06:39,940 --> 00:06:42,150
If looks could kill you would be an uzi
66
00:06:42,192 --> 00:06:43,652
You're a shotgun - bang!
67
00:06:45,403 --> 00:06:48,743
Oh, hello. I know, right?
68
00:06:48,782 --> 00:06:52,492
Whose balls did I have to fondle
to get my very own movie?
69
00:06:52,536 --> 00:06:56,116
I can't tell you,
but it does rhyme with "Polverine."
70
00:06:56,373 --> 00:07:01,923
And let me tell you, he's got a nice pair
of smooth criminals down under.
71
00:07:01,962 --> 00:07:06,172
Anyway, I got places to be,
a face to fix and...
72
00:07:06,216 --> 00:07:08,886
Bad guys to kill.
73
00:07:14,307 --> 00:07:15,557
Maximum effort.
74
00:07:25,569 --> 00:07:26,399
Cock shot.
75
00:07:34,202 --> 00:07:36,292
Rich Corinthian leather.
76
00:07:38,248 --> 00:07:40,078
I'm looking for Francis!
77
00:07:40,625 --> 00:07:41,915
Have you seen this man?
78
00:07:52,262 --> 00:07:53,182
Yanky, yanky!
79
00:08:25,879 --> 00:08:28,169
I've never said this, but don't swallow.
80
00:08:49,528 --> 00:08:51,028
Shit.
81
00:08:51,655 --> 00:08:53,665
Did I leave the stove on?
82
00:09:11,174 --> 00:09:12,514
Now, breaking news.
83
00:09:12,884 --> 00:09:16,434
A multi-car collision turned shots fired
on the crosstown expressway this morning.
84
00:09:16,847 --> 00:09:18,717
Gridlock has kept police from the scene.
85
00:09:19,182 --> 00:09:21,682
Residents are advised to remain in their homes.
86
00:09:21,726 --> 00:09:24,806
The assailant appears to be armed,
dangerous, and wearing...
87
00:09:24,855 --> 00:09:26,275
-a red suit.
-A red suit.
88
00:09:26,940 --> 00:09:28,190
Deadpool.
89
00:09:28,233 --> 00:09:30,943
Negasonic! Come, we have mission.
90
00:09:31,862 --> 00:09:34,322
Colossus, wait up.
91
00:09:34,364 --> 00:09:37,744
I've given Deadpool every chance to join us...
92
00:09:37,784 --> 00:09:39,994
but he'd rather act like a child.
93
00:09:40,036 --> 00:09:42,536
A heavily-armed child.
94
00:09:42,581 --> 00:09:46,331
When will he grow up
and see benefits of becoming X-Man?
95
00:09:46,376 --> 00:09:48,206
Which benefits? The matching unitards?
96
00:09:48,545 --> 00:09:50,425
The house that blows up every few years?
97
00:09:50,463 --> 00:09:51,513
Please.
98
00:09:51,548 --> 00:09:53,878
House blowing up builds character.
99
00:09:54,384 --> 00:09:56,264
You ate breakfast, yes?
100
00:09:56,303 --> 00:09:58,553
Breakfast is most important meal of day.
101
00:09:59,472 --> 00:10:03,772
Here, protein bar. Good for bones.
102
00:10:03,810 --> 00:10:06,150
Deadpool may try to break yours.
103
00:10:14,821 --> 00:10:15,951
Get out of the way!
104
00:10:33,507 --> 00:10:34,967
Hey!
105
00:10:46,144 --> 00:10:47,444
Wait!
106
00:10:47,771 --> 00:10:49,901
You may be wondering,
"Why the red suit?"
107
00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:51,860
Well, that's so bad guys
can't see me bleed.
108
00:10:52,901 --> 00:10:54,111
This guy's got the right idea.
109
00:10:54,444 --> 00:10:55,784
He wore the brown pants.
110
00:10:57,739 --> 00:10:59,909
Fine! I only have 12 bullets...
111
00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:01,620
so you're gonna have to share!
112
00:11:01,660 --> 00:11:03,450
Let's count them down.
113
00:11:22,806 --> 00:11:23,926
Shit.
114
00:11:26,977 --> 00:11:28,687
Motherfucker!
115
00:11:29,980 --> 00:11:31,110
10! Shit!
116
00:11:31,773 --> 00:11:32,693
Nine. Fuck.
117
00:11:33,149 --> 00:11:33,779
Eight.
118
00:11:34,359 --> 00:11:35,319
Shit-fuck!
119
00:11:39,114 --> 00:11:40,324
Bad Deadpool.
120
00:11:41,783 --> 00:11:43,953
Seven. Good Deadpool.
121
00:12:06,224 --> 00:12:08,734
Someone's not counting. Six.
122
00:12:35,337 --> 00:12:36,547
Four.
123
00:12:38,882 --> 00:12:39,922
Gotcha.
124
00:12:41,676 --> 00:12:42,926
Right up Main Street.
125
00:12:47,015 --> 00:12:48,135
Three, two!
126
00:12:48,183 --> 00:12:50,063
Stupid! Worth it.
127
00:13:16,419 --> 00:13:18,379
I'm touching myself tonight.
128
00:13:19,214 --> 00:13:20,304
Francis!
129
00:13:20,715 --> 00:13:21,915
Francis...
130
00:13:23,927 --> 00:13:26,177
What the shit-biscuit!
131
00:13:26,221 --> 00:13:27,931
Where you at, Francis?
132
00:13:36,857 --> 00:13:37,897
You're not Francis.
133
00:13:45,949 --> 00:13:48,369
Really? Rolling up the sleeves?
134
00:13:58,753 --> 00:14:02,053
You're probably thinking,
"My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie...
135
00:14:02,090 --> 00:14:05,890
"but that guy in the red suit just turned
that other guy into a fucking kabab!"
136
00:14:06,136 --> 00:14:10,466
Well, I may be super, but I'm no hero.
137
00:14:10,807 --> 00:14:13,017
And, yeah, technically, this is a murder.
138
00:14:13,059 --> 00:14:15,349
But some of the best love stories
start with a murder.
139
00:14:15,395 --> 00:14:18,435
And that's exactly what this is.
A love story.
140
00:14:18,481 --> 00:14:19,901
And to tell it right...
141
00:14:19,941 --> 00:14:24,741
I gotta take you back to long before
I squeezed this ass into red spandex.
142
00:14:25,822 --> 00:14:30,792
Look, would it help if I slow it down for you?
I didn't order the pizza.
143
00:14:30,827 --> 00:14:34,617
Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive?
Are you Mr. Merchant?
144
00:14:34,664 --> 00:14:37,794
Yeah, the Mr. Merchant
who didn't order the fucking pie!
145
00:14:38,168 --> 00:14:39,288
Then who placed the call?
146
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,170
I did!
147
00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:44,917
Pineapple and olive?
148
00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:48,387
Sweet and salty.
149
00:14:48,428 --> 00:14:51,558
The fuck are you?
The fuck you doing in my crib...
150
00:14:51,598 --> 00:14:52,518
Is it burnt crust?
151
00:14:52,849 --> 00:14:54,139
God, I hope not.
152
00:14:54,768 --> 00:14:56,638
Man, look, if this is
about that poker game.
153
00:14:56,686 --> 00:14:58,976
I told Howie, I told him that...
154
00:14:59,022 --> 00:15:02,982
Okay, look, just take whatever you want.
155
00:15:03,026 --> 00:15:04,106
Thanks.
156
00:15:05,028 --> 00:15:07,658
Sir, before you do anything to him,
do you mind if I get a big tip?
157
00:15:09,199 --> 00:15:11,079
Jeremy, is it?
158
00:15:11,117 --> 00:15:12,537
Wade. Wade Wilson.
159
00:15:13,662 --> 00:15:16,662
That is a no go on the tiperoo, Jer.
160
00:15:16,706 --> 00:15:18,166
I'm not here for him.
161
00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:20,132
I'm here for you.
162
00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:23,670
Okay, wow, dodged a big-time
bullet on that one.
163
00:15:23,713 --> 00:15:25,633
Not out of the woods yet.
164
00:15:26,216 --> 00:15:28,586
You need to seriously ease up
on the bedazzling.
165
00:15:28,635 --> 00:15:30,605
They're jeans, not a chandelier.
166
00:15:30,637 --> 00:15:32,927
P.S. I'm keeping your wallet.
You did kinda give it to me.
167
00:15:32,973 --> 00:15:34,773
Okay, just look, man,
can I have my Sam's card...
168
00:15:34,808 --> 00:15:37,058
I will shoot your fucking cat!
169
00:15:37,894 --> 00:15:40,314
I don't really know what that means.
I don't have a cat.
170
00:15:40,647 --> 00:15:42,397
Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in?
171
00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:48,698
Anyhoo, tell me something...
172
00:15:48,738 --> 00:15:52,488
what situation isn't improved by pizza?
173
00:15:52,534 --> 00:15:54,874
Do you happen to know a Meghan Orflosky?
174
00:15:54,911 --> 00:15:56,541
Getting that right? Orflosky?
175
00:15:56,580 --> 00:15:58,870
Orlovsky? Yeah? Good.
176
00:16:00,083 --> 00:16:01,383
Because she knows you.
177
00:16:01,418 --> 00:16:05,878
Jeremy, I belong to a group of guys
who take a dime to beat a fella down.
178
00:16:05,922 --> 00:16:08,842
And little Meghan, she's not made of money,
but lucky for her...
179
00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:10,184
I got a soft spot.
180
00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:12,720
-But I'm a...
-A stalker.
181
00:16:13,180 --> 00:16:14,810
Threats hurt, Jer.
182
00:16:14,848 --> 00:16:18,308
Though not nearly as badly
as serrated steel.
183
00:16:18,351 --> 00:16:21,561
So keep away from Meghan.
184
00:16:21,605 --> 00:16:22,525
Cool?
185
00:16:22,564 --> 00:16:23,824
Yes, sir.
186
00:16:23,857 --> 00:16:24,607
Then we're done.
187
00:16:25,108 --> 00:16:27,238
Wait. We are?
188
00:16:27,277 --> 00:16:28,947
Yeah. We're totally done.
189
00:16:29,613 --> 00:16:31,073
You shouldРІР‚в„ўve seen your face.
190
00:16:31,114 --> 00:16:32,414
I didn't know what to do.
I was so scared.
191
00:16:32,699 --> 00:16:33,779
Soft spot, remember?
192
00:16:35,285 --> 00:16:37,375
You even look
in her general direction again...
193
00:16:37,412 --> 00:16:41,122
and you will learn in the worst of ways
that I have some hard spots too.
194
00:16:43,126 --> 00:16:44,456
That came out wrong.
195
00:16:45,629 --> 00:16:46,799
Or did it?
196
00:17:00,101 --> 00:17:00,981
Meghan?
197
00:17:04,147 --> 00:17:05,647
You've heard the last of Jeremy.
He's sorry.
198
00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:08,323
No friggin' way.
199
00:17:13,156 --> 00:17:15,776
Should've brought my roller blades.
Show these kids how it's done.
200
00:17:16,076 --> 00:17:19,366
And that's why we do it.
But mostly the money.
201
00:17:19,412 --> 00:17:21,292
Hey, think you could fuck up
my step-dad?
202
00:17:21,331 --> 00:17:24,001
I give a guy a pavement facial,
it's because he's earned it.
203
00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:25,958
Hey, wait!
204
00:17:27,587 --> 00:17:28,757
You're my hero.
205
00:17:28,797 --> 00:17:31,297
No-no-no-no. That I ain't!
206
00:17:33,176 --> 00:17:35,466
Nope. Never will be.
207
00:17:36,096 --> 00:17:37,346
Fuck you, Wade.
208
00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:41,181
I'm just a bad guy
who gets paid to fuck up worse guys.
209
00:17:42,644 --> 00:17:44,234
Welcome to Sister Margaret's.
210
00:17:44,521 --> 00:17:46,611
It's like a job fair for mercenaries.
211
00:17:47,274 --> 00:17:49,324
Think of us as really
fucked up tooth fairies...
212
00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:52,069
except we knock out the teeth
and take the cash.
213
00:17:52,112 --> 00:17:55,162
You'd best hope we never see
your name on a gold card.
214
00:17:55,198 --> 00:17:57,028
Buck! Liefeld...
215
00:17:57,367 --> 00:17:58,327
Hey, Wade!
216
00:17:58,702 --> 00:18:01,332
Wade Wilson, patron saint of the pitiful.
What can I do for you?
217
00:18:01,872 --> 00:18:03,122
I'd love a Blow Job.
218
00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:04,673
Oh, God, me too.
219
00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:06,708
The drink, moose knuckle. But first...
220
00:18:08,378 --> 00:18:10,418
Hey, and I ain't taking
any babysitting money, all right?
221
00:18:10,463 --> 00:18:12,303
Make sure that gets back to Ms...
222
00:18:12,340 --> 00:18:13,340
Orlovsky.
223
00:18:13,383 --> 00:18:14,343
Yeah, her.
224
00:18:14,384 --> 00:18:15,644
You sure?
225
00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:18,346
You know, for a merc,
you're pretty warm-blooded.
226
00:18:18,388 --> 00:18:20,308
I bet you let the kid off easy, too.
227
00:18:20,348 --> 00:18:22,268
He's not a bad kid, Weas.
228
00:18:22,309 --> 00:18:23,689
Just a little light stalking.
229
00:18:23,727 --> 00:18:25,187
I was way worse than him
when I was his age.
230
00:18:25,228 --> 00:18:27,148
I was traveling to exotic places...
231
00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:31,189
Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville,
meeting new and exciting people. And then...
232
00:18:31,651 --> 00:18:33,531
Killing them.
Yeah, I've seen your Instagram.
233
00:18:33,904 --> 00:18:36,284
So what was Special Forces
doing in Jacksonville, anyway?
234
00:18:36,323 --> 00:18:37,873
That's classified.
235
00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:40,198
They have a wonderful TGI Fridays.
236
00:18:40,243 --> 00:18:42,543
All right, Kahlua, Baileys and...
237
00:18:42,579 --> 00:18:43,869
whipped cream.
238
00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:46,004
I give you a Blow Job.
239
00:18:46,499 --> 00:18:47,879
Why do you make me make that?
240
00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:49,708
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...
241
00:18:49,753 --> 00:18:53,213
Take that over to Buck, please,
and tell him it's from Boothe. Little foreplay.
242
00:18:53,256 --> 00:18:55,546
Remind me what good will come of this?
243
00:18:55,592 --> 00:18:57,642
I don't take the shits.
I just disturb them.
244
00:18:57,677 --> 00:18:58,217
Boothe!
245
00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:00,224
-Easy, man.
-Hold up! Hold up!
246
00:19:00,263 --> 00:19:01,263
What you want?
247
00:19:04,100 --> 00:19:06,390
-Cheers. To your health.
-Fuck you.
248
00:19:06,895 --> 00:19:09,065
Come here, you fat fuck!
249
00:19:09,105 --> 00:19:10,565
That's a new stool.
250
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:16,895
Stay the fuck down.
251
00:19:19,574 --> 00:19:21,244
Whoa! Took his ass out!
252
00:19:21,284 --> 00:19:23,204
All right, move. Move, move, move.
253
00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:24,295
Buck, go rest.
254
00:19:25,622 --> 00:19:26,912
Boothe got hit then went down.
255
00:19:30,710 --> 00:19:33,380
Yeah, he's still breathing.
256
00:19:36,049 --> 00:19:37,589
Nobody wins today.
257
00:19:37,634 --> 00:19:39,264
Nice try, Wade.
258
00:19:39,302 --> 00:19:42,932
You got me. I picked Boothe
in the dead pool. Who did you pick?
259
00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:44,933
Yeah, Wade, about that...
260
00:19:45,433 --> 00:19:46,233
No.
261
00:19:46,643 --> 00:19:48,483
You did not bet on me to die.
262
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:54,896
You bet on me to die. Wow.
Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend.
263
00:19:55,318 --> 00:19:57,608
Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102.
264
00:19:57,654 --> 00:19:59,914
And then dying.
Like the city of Detroit.
265
00:19:59,948 --> 00:20:02,778
I'm sorry. I just...
I wanted to win money.
266
00:20:02,826 --> 00:20:04,116
I never win anything.
267
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:05,290
Whatever.
268
00:20:05,328 --> 00:20:06,908
Soldiers of fortune, drinks on me!
269
00:20:09,332 --> 00:20:11,252
Domestic, nothing imported.
270
00:20:15,297 --> 00:20:19,177
Baby, are you sure you wanna
shoot your whole wad?
271
00:20:21,469 --> 00:20:22,469
Tight.
272
00:20:24,139 --> 00:20:26,099
-Vanessa.
-Wade.
273
00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:28,603
What's a nice place like you
doing in a girl like this?
274
00:20:29,978 --> 00:20:31,228
I'd hit that.
275
00:20:32,522 --> 00:20:34,322
Buck, you best apologize before...
276
00:20:35,066 --> 00:20:36,856
Yeah, that.
277
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:38,572
Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf.
278
00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:40,492
-I'm sorry.
-Breathe through the nose.
279
00:20:40,530 --> 00:20:42,700
I don't have a filter
between my brain and my...
280
00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:43,991
Let go. Okay. Hey...
281
00:20:44,743 --> 00:20:47,253
-Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry.
-I'm working on it.
282
00:20:47,287 --> 00:20:49,247
Get out of here. Go. Go cast a spell.
283
00:20:49,831 --> 00:20:52,251
Hey. Hands off the merchandise.
284
00:20:53,793 --> 00:20:54,843
Merchandise?
285
00:20:55,337 --> 00:20:57,797
So you...
286
00:20:57,839 --> 00:20:59,259
bump fuzzies for money?
287
00:20:59,299 --> 00:21:00,049
Yep.
288
00:21:00,091 --> 00:21:01,341
Rough childhood?
289
00:21:01,384 --> 00:21:02,434
Rougher than yours.
290
00:21:02,469 --> 00:21:04,049
Daddy left before I was born.
291
00:21:04,679 --> 00:21:06,219
Daddy left before I was conceived.
292
00:21:07,432 --> 00:21:08,772
Ever had a cigarette
put out on your skin?
293
00:21:09,142 --> 00:21:10,482
Where else do you put one out?
294
00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:11,809
I was molested.
295
00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:13,563
Me too. Uncle.
296
00:21:13,605 --> 00:21:15,905
Uncles. They took turns.
297
00:21:16,191 --> 00:21:18,821
I watched my own birthday party
through the keyhole of a locked closet...
298
00:21:18,860 --> 00:21:20,240
which also happens to be my...
299
00:21:20,278 --> 00:21:23,108
Your bedroom. Lucky.
I slept in a dishwasher box.
300
00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:25,239
You had a dishwasher.
301
00:21:25,700 --> 00:21:26,870
I didn't even know sleep.
302
00:21:26,910 --> 00:21:30,160
It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags,
brownie mix and clown porn.
303
00:21:34,209 --> 00:21:35,459
Who would do such a thing?
304
00:21:37,128 --> 00:21:40,588
Hopefully you, later tonight?
305
00:21:43,426 --> 00:21:48,346
Hey, what can I get for $275 and a...
306
00:21:49,558 --> 00:21:51,268
a Yogurtland rewards card?
307
00:21:51,309 --> 00:21:53,939
Baby, about 48 minutes
of whatever the fuck you want.
308
00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:57,147
And a low-fat dessert.
309
00:22:04,155 --> 00:22:06,445
Did she just put a gift card
in your mouth?
310
00:22:07,784 --> 00:22:09,914
It's time to put balls in holes.
311
00:22:10,954 --> 00:22:12,464
You said whatever I want.
312
00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:14,170
I get it.
313
00:22:14,583 --> 00:22:16,133
You love skee ball.
314
00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:18,458
Apparently more than you love vagina.
315
00:22:18,503 --> 00:22:19,963
That's a tough call.
316
00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:23,129
I just wanna get to know
the real you, you know.
317
00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:27,015
Not the short-shorted, two-dimensional
sex object peddled by Hollywood.
318
00:22:27,429 --> 00:22:28,139
Balls in holes.
319
00:22:29,306 --> 00:22:30,256
Balls in holes.
320
00:22:30,515 --> 00:22:31,925
Prepare to lose tragically.
321
00:22:31,975 --> 00:22:33,105
Bring it, big man.
322
00:22:33,143 --> 00:22:34,143
Okay.
323
00:22:40,483 --> 00:22:44,863
The limited edition Voltron:
Defender of the Universe ring, por favor.
324
00:22:45,322 --> 00:22:47,822
Okay. Here we go.
325
00:22:48,783 --> 00:22:50,913
Had my eye on this sucker for a while.
326
00:22:50,952 --> 00:22:52,792
And I will take the pencil eraser.
327
00:22:52,829 --> 00:22:54,249
Okay.
328
00:22:54,289 --> 00:22:57,079
You are now the protector
of the planet Arus.
329
00:22:57,125 --> 00:22:59,085
And you can erase stuff...
330
00:22:59,127 --> 00:23:00,457
written in pencil.
331
00:23:00,837 --> 00:23:02,257
M'lady?
332
00:23:02,297 --> 00:23:03,627
Well, I hate to break it to you...
333
00:23:03,673 --> 00:23:05,513
but your 48 minutes are up.
334
00:23:06,009 --> 00:23:08,799
Hey, how many more minutes
can I get for this?
335
00:23:08,845 --> 00:23:13,345
FYI, five mini lion-bots come together
to form one super-bot, so...
336
00:23:13,683 --> 00:23:16,813
Five mini lion-bots? Three minutes.
337
00:23:16,853 --> 00:23:17,813
Deal.
338
00:23:17,854 --> 00:23:20,154
What do we do with the remaining
two minutes, 37 seconds?
339
00:23:21,233 --> 00:23:22,033
Cuddle?
340
00:23:26,363 --> 00:23:27,863
How long can you keep this up?
341
00:23:28,323 --> 00:23:29,163
All year?
342
00:23:39,835 --> 00:23:41,715
Happy Valentine's Day.
343
00:23:49,344 --> 00:23:50,974
Happy Chinese New Year.
344
00:23:51,012 --> 00:23:52,352
Year of the Dog.
345
00:23:57,561 --> 00:23:58,731
Relax.
346
00:23:59,312 --> 00:24:01,402
And Happy International Women's Day.
347
00:24:06,319 --> 00:24:09,069
No. No. No.
348
00:24:11,408 --> 00:24:12,578
Happy Lent.
349
00:24:17,831 --> 00:24:19,121
-Wade?
-Sorry.
350
00:24:19,165 --> 00:24:20,495
Happy Halloween.
351
00:24:20,876 --> 00:24:21,746
Happy Halloween.
352
00:24:31,511 --> 00:24:33,221
Happy Thanksgiving.
353
00:24:35,223 --> 00:24:36,433
I love you.
354
00:24:40,228 --> 00:24:42,308
If your left leg is Thanksgiving...
355
00:24:42,355 --> 00:24:44,015
and your right leg is Christmas...
356
00:24:45,358 --> 00:24:46,858
can I visit you between the holidays?
357
00:24:48,778 --> 00:24:50,608
That sweater is terrible.
358
00:24:51,615 --> 00:24:53,325
But red looks good on you.
359
00:24:53,366 --> 00:24:54,486
Red's your color.
360
00:24:54,534 --> 00:24:56,294
Brings out the bloodshot in your eyes.
361
00:24:57,204 --> 00:24:58,414
Listen, I've been thinking...
362
00:24:58,455 --> 00:24:59,295
Really?
363
00:25:00,123 --> 00:25:01,793
...about why we're so good together.
364
00:25:02,209 --> 00:25:03,289
Why's that?
365
00:25:05,295 --> 00:25:07,805
Your crazy matches my crazy.
Big time.
366
00:25:10,050 --> 00:25:12,930
And, we're like two jigsaw pieces,
you know, the weird curvy edges...
367
00:25:13,303 --> 00:25:15,723
You put them together
and you can see the picture on top.
368
00:25:16,723 --> 00:25:17,603
Right.
369
00:25:18,225 --> 00:25:19,315
Wade...
370
00:25:19,976 --> 00:25:22,556
there's something I've been
meaning to ask you.
371
00:25:22,604 --> 00:25:25,114
But only because you haven't
gotten around to asking me.
372
00:25:27,234 --> 00:25:28,284
Will you...
373
00:25:29,486 --> 00:25:31,396
-stick it in my...
-Marry me?
374
00:25:34,407 --> 00:25:35,407
Jinx?
375
00:25:37,285 --> 00:25:38,445
Where were you hiding that?
376
00:25:38,495 --> 00:25:39,505
Nowhere.
377
00:25:40,580 --> 00:25:42,250
They say one month's salary. So...
378
00:25:42,290 --> 00:25:43,290
You mean?
379
00:25:43,333 --> 00:25:44,463
I do.
380
00:25:44,501 --> 00:25:45,501
That's my line.
381
00:25:48,839 --> 00:25:50,469
I love you, Wade Wilson.
382
00:25:51,299 --> 00:25:52,629
You're supposed to...
So that's a...
383
00:25:52,676 --> 00:25:53,506
Yes!
384
00:25:54,928 --> 00:25:56,008
Yes!
385
00:25:58,139 --> 00:25:59,599
I feel just like a little girl.
386
00:26:04,938 --> 00:26:07,268
What if I just held on and never let go?
387
00:26:07,315 --> 00:26:09,855
Just ride a bitch's back,
like Yoda on Luke.
388
00:26:10,861 --> 00:26:12,361
Star Wars jokes.
389
00:26:12,821 --> 00:26:14,031
Empire.
390
00:26:15,490 --> 00:26:18,700
Jesus Christ.
It's like I made you in a computer.
391
00:26:23,039 --> 00:26:24,039
Hey.
392
00:26:25,125 --> 00:26:26,135
Perfect.
393
00:26:30,297 --> 00:26:31,797
-Let's see.
-All right, wee break.
394
00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:33,130
Shake it, yeah.
395
00:26:39,389 --> 00:26:40,519
Here's the thing.
396
00:26:40,891 --> 00:26:42,851
Life is an endless series of train-wrecks...
397
00:26:42,893 --> 00:26:46,403
with only brief,
commercial-like breaks of happiness.
398
00:26:47,355 --> 00:26:50,065
This had been the ultimate commercial break.
399
00:26:52,527 --> 00:26:55,777
Which meant it was time to return
to our regularly scheduled program.
400
00:26:55,822 --> 00:26:56,572
What the...
401
00:26:57,699 --> 00:26:58,829
Oh, my God. Wade?
402
00:27:05,123 --> 00:27:06,373
You're clowning.
403
00:27:06,875 --> 00:27:08,255
You're not clowning?
404
00:27:08,668 --> 00:27:09,668
I sense clowns.
405
00:27:10,086 --> 00:27:13,586
People react to news
of late-stage cancer differently.
406
00:27:13,632 --> 00:27:18,182
There are certainly options we can look into.
New drugs are being developed every day.
407
00:27:22,724 --> 00:27:23,854
So what do we do?
408
00:27:24,476 --> 00:27:26,686
Surely there is something we can do.
409
00:27:27,854 --> 00:27:30,484
My uncle Ivan was diagnosed with thyroid cancer...
410
00:27:30,524 --> 00:27:33,074
and there were all these
new experimental drugs from Germany.
411
00:27:33,109 --> 00:27:37,359
Vanessa's already working on
Plan A, B, all the way through Z.
412
00:27:37,656 --> 00:27:41,196
Me? I'm memorizing
the details of her face.
413
00:27:41,868 --> 00:27:44,248
Like it's the first time I'm seeing it.
414
00:27:44,621 --> 00:27:45,461
Or the last.
415
00:27:45,497 --> 00:27:46,997
Mr. Wilson...
416
00:27:47,040 --> 00:27:48,460
Mr. Wilson?
417
00:27:48,875 --> 00:27:51,165
Take your time to process this.
418
00:27:52,212 --> 00:27:54,132
It's important not to do anything rash.
419
00:28:05,684 --> 00:28:10,944
Now, if I were a 200-pound sack
of assholes named Francis, where would I hide?
420
00:28:36,423 --> 00:28:40,803
A hush falls over the crowd
as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson...
421
00:28:40,844 --> 00:28:44,314
out of Regina, Saskatchewan,
lines up the shot.
422
00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:47,644
His form looks good.
423
00:28:49,769 --> 00:28:53,559
And that's why Regina rhymes with fun.
424
00:28:54,149 --> 00:28:56,479
Ladies and gentlemen, what you're witnessing...
425
00:28:56,526 --> 00:28:58,776
is sweet dick-kicking revenge.
426
00:28:59,821 --> 00:29:01,281
Giving him the business.
427
00:29:01,865 --> 00:29:02,785
Incoming!
428
00:29:03,909 --> 00:29:07,659
This is taking unsportsmanlike
conduct to a whole new level!
429
00:29:13,001 --> 00:29:16,671
Looking good, Francis. Well rested.
Like you've been pitching, not catching.
430
00:29:17,255 --> 00:29:19,215
Ringing any bells? No?
431
00:29:24,179 --> 00:29:25,429
How about now?
432
00:29:29,434 --> 00:29:31,604
Wade fucking Wilson.
433
00:29:34,105 --> 00:29:35,395
Well, hello, gorgeous.
434
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,440
Yeah, like I got bit
by a radioactive Shar-Pei.
435
00:29:38,485 --> 00:29:41,655
Yeah. And whose fault is that, huh, Francis?
436
00:29:41,696 --> 00:29:43,736
Yeah, time to undo
what you did to this butterface.
437
00:29:43,782 --> 00:29:46,782
Please, you should thank me.
Apparently, I made you immortal.
438
00:29:47,118 --> 00:29:48,748
I'm actually quite jealous.
439
00:29:48,787 --> 00:29:51,037
Yeah, but this ain't
a life worth living, is it?
440
00:29:53,124 --> 00:29:57,254
Now, I'm about to do to you
what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.
441
00:29:59,673 --> 00:30:00,423
Dad?
442
00:30:04,052 --> 00:30:08,472
I think we can all agree that shit just
went sideways in the most colossal way.
443
00:30:09,516 --> 00:30:11,476
Well, maybe not the most.
444
00:30:13,061 --> 00:30:15,731
This is my most prized possession.
445
00:30:16,398 --> 00:30:17,358
Wham?
446
00:30:17,399 --> 00:30:19,229
No, no, no. Wham!
447
00:30:19,818 --> 00:30:23,238
Make It Big is the album that George
and Andy earned the exclamation point.
448
00:30:24,281 --> 00:30:27,201
So, am I supposed to just smile
and wave you out the door?
449
00:30:27,242 --> 00:30:28,832
Think of it like spring cleaning.
450
00:30:28,869 --> 00:30:30,159
Only if spring was death.
451
00:30:30,203 --> 00:30:34,173
God, if I had a nickel for every time
I spanked it to Bernadette Peters.
452
00:30:35,208 --> 00:30:36,668
Sounds like you do.
453
00:30:37,502 --> 00:30:41,462
Bernadette is not going anywhere,
because you're not going anywhere.
454
00:30:41,506 --> 00:30:42,296
Drink.
455
00:30:42,716 --> 00:30:45,466
You're right. Cancer is only in my liver,
lungs, prostate, and brain.
456
00:30:45,510 --> 00:30:46,640
All things I can live without.
457
00:30:48,972 --> 00:30:50,972
You belong here at home.
458
00:30:51,016 --> 00:30:54,636
Surrounded by your Voltron
and your Bernadette, and your me.
459
00:30:55,979 --> 00:30:59,439
Listen, we both know
that cancer is a shit-show.
460
00:31:01,109 --> 00:31:07,369
Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff-opening-for-the-
Spin-Doctors-at-the-Iowa-State-Fair shit-show.
461
00:31:08,116 --> 00:31:12,656
And under no circumstances
will I take you to that show.
462
00:31:14,039 --> 00:31:15,669
I want you to remember me.
463
00:31:17,209 --> 00:31:19,039
Not the ghost of Christmas me.
464
00:31:19,085 --> 00:31:20,875
Well, I wanna remember us.
465
00:31:21,338 --> 00:31:23,008
I swear to God,
I will find you in the next life...
466
00:31:23,048 --> 00:31:26,218
and I'm gonna boom-box Careless Whisper
outside your window.
467
00:31:26,259 --> 00:31:27,679
Wham!
468
00:31:31,056 --> 00:31:34,056
No one is boom-boxing shit. Okay?
469
00:31:36,645 --> 00:31:38,025
We can fight this.
470
00:31:41,191 --> 00:31:43,361
Besides, I just realized something.
471
00:31:44,194 --> 00:31:49,324
You win. Your life is officially
way more fucked up than mine.
472
00:31:53,745 --> 00:31:54,745
I love you.
473
00:32:06,424 --> 00:32:07,554
Wade.
474
00:32:09,761 --> 00:32:10,971
Weas.
475
00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:13,562
You look like you need
a Blow Job and a shower.
476
00:32:13,598 --> 00:32:15,728
Though courtesy calls
for the latter first.
477
00:32:15,767 --> 00:32:17,437
How about three shots of PatrГіn?
478
00:32:17,477 --> 00:32:21,227
Or how about Triticum aestivum, wheatgrass.
479
00:32:21,273 --> 00:32:22,653
Excellent for the immune system.
480
00:32:22,691 --> 00:32:24,781
Jesus Christ. You sound like Vanessa.
481
00:32:24,818 --> 00:32:25,988
Here, check it out.
482
00:32:26,027 --> 00:32:29,487
She's sending away for all these
colorful clinic brochures.
483
00:32:29,531 --> 00:32:31,281
I'm sure they're all FDA approved.
484
00:32:31,741 --> 00:32:34,701
Chechnya. Isn't that where you go
to get cancer?
485
00:32:34,744 --> 00:32:37,504
You got China and Central Mexico.
486
00:32:37,956 --> 00:32:40,206
You know how they say "cancer" in Spanish?
487
00:32:40,250 --> 00:32:41,290
No.
488
00:32:41,960 --> 00:32:43,670
El CГЎncer.
489
00:32:43,712 --> 00:32:45,552
I could have guessed that.
490
00:32:45,922 --> 00:32:47,472
Look how happy you look here.
491
00:32:47,507 --> 00:32:51,507
Mind if I keep this? Put it up,
so I can remember when you looked alive.
492
00:32:52,012 --> 00:32:53,972
At least now I'm gonna win the dead pool.
493
00:32:54,014 --> 00:32:56,724
Now that you're gonna die
tragically of cancer.
494
00:32:56,766 --> 00:32:58,346
I got it, Weas. Thanks.
495
00:33:01,146 --> 00:33:03,816
And that guy over there
came in looking for you.
496
00:33:03,857 --> 00:33:06,727
Real Grim Reaper type.
497
00:33:06,776 --> 00:33:08,736
I don't know. Might further the plot.
498
00:33:12,741 --> 00:33:13,831
Boothe.
499
00:33:13,867 --> 00:33:14,947
Wade.
500
00:33:20,332 --> 00:33:21,252
Mr. Wilson.
501
00:33:21,750 --> 00:33:22,920
How can I help you?
502
00:33:22,959 --> 00:33:25,669
Besides luring children into a panel van.
503
00:33:25,712 --> 00:33:29,382
I understand you've recently
been diagnosed with terminal cancer.
504
00:33:29,424 --> 00:33:30,554
Stalker alert.
505
00:33:30,592 --> 00:33:32,762
It's my job. Recruitment.
506
00:33:33,512 --> 00:33:35,932
I'm sorry you've had such a tough go.
507
00:33:37,057 --> 00:33:39,347
But you're a fighter. Special Forces.
508
00:33:39,392 --> 00:33:41,732
41 confirmed kills.
509
00:33:42,270 --> 00:33:43,690
One every seven weeks.
510
00:33:43,730 --> 00:33:45,610
Same rate most folks get a haircut.
511
00:33:46,775 --> 00:33:48,035
It's to wash the taste out.
512
00:33:48,318 --> 00:33:51,528
It's tough to forget being so impressive.
513
00:33:51,571 --> 00:33:55,661
And now you spend your days
sticking up for the little people...
514
00:33:55,700 --> 00:33:57,240
People change. What do you want?
515
00:33:57,619 --> 00:34:00,659
I represent an organization
that may be able to help.
516
00:34:02,624 --> 00:34:06,294
What if I told you
we can cure your cancer?
517
00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:11,010
And what's more, give you abilities
most men only dream of?
518
00:34:14,678 --> 00:34:18,768
I'd say that you sound like an infomercial,
but not a good one, like Slap Chop.
519
00:34:18,807 --> 00:34:20,427
More Shake Weight-y.
520
00:34:20,475 --> 00:34:23,475
The world needs extraordinary soldiers.
521
00:34:23,520 --> 00:34:25,690
We won't just make you better.
522
00:34:25,730 --> 00:34:28,690
We will make you better than better.
523
00:34:29,734 --> 00:34:30,994
A superhero.
524
00:34:31,319 --> 00:34:36,319
Look, Agent Smith,
I tried the hero business and it left a mark.
525
00:34:36,783 --> 00:34:39,413
But if I ever hit "fuck it,"
I'll look you up.
526
00:34:41,830 --> 00:34:44,670
Shit. We're within 500 yards of a school,
so you may wanna...
527
00:34:49,671 --> 00:34:50,881
His drink's on him.
528
00:34:56,553 --> 00:34:58,303
What did he say?
529
00:35:20,952 --> 00:35:22,542
Hey, what's going on?
530
00:35:23,538 --> 00:35:25,038
Hey. Sorry.
531
00:35:26,499 --> 00:35:28,499
I had a Liam Neeson nightmare.
532
00:35:29,377 --> 00:35:32,547
I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter
and he just wasn't having it.
533
00:35:40,263 --> 00:35:44,483
Hey, they've made three of those movies.
534
00:35:45,477 --> 00:35:48,647
At some point you have to wonder
if he's just a bad parent.
535
00:36:03,036 --> 00:36:06,656
The worst part about cancer
isn't what it does to you...
536
00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:09,920
but what it does to the people you love.
537
00:36:10,210 --> 00:36:12,920
Who knew if this guy could save my life...
538
00:36:12,963 --> 00:36:15,513
but I knew there was only
one way that I could save hers.
539
00:36:19,678 --> 00:36:21,928
Isn't that what superheroes do?
540
00:36:34,276 --> 00:36:38,316
Okay. Let's pro-con this superhero thing.
541
00:36:40,240 --> 00:36:43,200
Pro: They pull down a gaggle of ass.
542
00:36:43,243 --> 00:36:44,623
Local dry cleaning discounts.
543
00:36:44,661 --> 00:36:48,711
Lucrative film deals, both origin stories
and larger ensemble team movies.
544
00:36:48,748 --> 00:36:51,918
Con: They're all lame-ass teacher's pets.
545
00:36:51,960 --> 00:36:53,670
You know, I can hear you.
546
00:36:53,712 --> 00:36:56,882
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to them.
547
00:36:56,923 --> 00:36:58,633
Stay right here.
548
00:36:59,009 --> 00:37:01,089
You've been warned before, Deadpool.
549
00:37:01,386 --> 00:37:05,006
This is a shameful and
reckless use of your powers.
550
00:37:05,056 --> 00:37:07,266
You will both be coming with us.
551
00:37:07,309 --> 00:37:11,229
Look, Colossus, I don't have time for the
goody two-shoes bullshit right now!
552
00:37:11,271 --> 00:37:13,111
And you are?
553
00:37:14,733 --> 00:37:16,573
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
554
00:37:16,610 --> 00:37:20,070
Negasonic Teenage...
What the shit?
555
00:37:20,113 --> 00:37:21,863
That's the coolest name ever!
556
00:37:23,408 --> 00:37:26,038
So, what, you're like, his sidekick?
557
00:37:26,077 --> 00:37:27,577
No. Trainee.
558
00:37:27,621 --> 00:37:29,081
Let me guess.
559
00:37:29,122 --> 00:37:31,622
X-Men left you behind on what?
Shit detail?
560
00:37:31,666 --> 00:37:32,786
What does that make you?
561
00:37:32,834 --> 00:37:35,254
Pretending you're not here,
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
562
00:37:35,295 --> 00:37:36,555
Can we trade names?
563
00:37:37,214 --> 00:37:38,214
Can we go?
564
00:37:38,256 --> 00:37:40,626
Look! I'm a teenage girl.
565
00:37:40,675 --> 00:37:42,885
I'd rather be anywhere than here.
566
00:37:42,928 --> 00:37:45,138
I'm all about long sullen silences...
567
00:37:45,180 --> 00:37:48,640
followed by mean comments,
followed by more silences.
568
00:37:49,059 --> 00:37:52,439
So what's it gonna be, huh?
Long sullen silence...
569
00:37:52,479 --> 00:37:55,019
or mean comment? Go on.
570
00:37:56,274 --> 00:37:57,574
You got me in a box here.
571
00:37:58,610 --> 00:38:00,570
We can't allow this, Deadpool.
572
00:38:00,612 --> 00:38:02,072
Please, come quietly.
573
00:38:02,113 --> 00:38:04,413
You big chrome cock-gobbler!
574
00:38:04,449 --> 00:38:05,449
That's not nice.
575
00:38:05,492 --> 00:38:06,992
You're really gonna fuck this up for me?
576
00:38:07,327 --> 00:38:11,747
Trust me, that wheezing bag
of dick-tips has it coming.
577
00:38:11,790 --> 00:38:14,330
He's pure evil.
578
00:38:14,709 --> 00:38:17,999
Besides... nobody's getting hurt.
579
00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:25,601
That guy was already up there
when I got here.
580
00:38:25,637 --> 00:38:28,807
Wade, you are better than this.
581
00:38:28,849 --> 00:38:32,349
-Join us. Use your powers for good.
-Heads up.
582
00:38:32,394 --> 00:38:33,814
Be a superhero.
583
00:38:33,854 --> 00:38:34,774
Listen!
584
00:38:34,813 --> 00:38:37,153
The day I decide to become
a crime-fighting shit-swizzler...
585
00:38:37,524 --> 00:38:40,614
who rooms with a bunch of other
little whiners at the Neverland mansion...
586
00:38:40,652 --> 00:38:45,532
of some creepy, old, bald,
Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker...
587
00:38:45,574 --> 00:38:47,334
on that day...
588
00:38:47,576 --> 00:38:49,616
I'll send your shiny,
happy ass a friend request.
589
00:38:49,661 --> 00:38:52,161
But until then,
I'mma do what I came here to do.
590
00:38:52,205 --> 00:38:54,955
Either that or slap the bitch outta you!
591
00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:56,250
-Wade...
-Hey.
592
00:38:56,293 --> 00:38:57,503
Zip it, SinГ©ad!
593
00:38:57,544 --> 00:38:58,674
Hey, douche-pool!
594
00:38:58,712 --> 00:38:59,922
And I hope you're watching...
595
00:39:04,676 --> 00:39:06,426
Quite unfortunate.
596
00:39:09,806 --> 00:39:12,056
That does it!
597
00:39:16,438 --> 00:39:17,808
Canada!
598
00:39:19,107 --> 00:39:20,227
That's not good.
599
00:39:20,275 --> 00:39:21,365
Wade, please.
600
00:39:21,401 --> 00:39:22,401
Cock shot!
601
00:39:24,487 --> 00:39:26,027
Your poor wife.
602
00:39:26,072 --> 00:39:27,872
You really should stop.
603
00:39:31,453 --> 00:39:33,833
All the dinosaurs feared the T. rex.
604
00:39:38,502 --> 00:39:40,712
I promise this gets worse for you, big boy!
605
00:39:40,754 --> 00:39:41,924
This is embarrassing.
606
00:39:42,672 --> 00:39:44,472
Please, stay down.
607
00:39:45,592 --> 00:39:48,012
You ever hear of the one-legged man
in the ass-kicking contest?
608
00:39:48,053 --> 00:39:49,513
Do you have off switch?
609
00:39:49,554 --> 00:39:52,354
Yeah, it's right next to the prostate.
Or is that the on switch?
610
00:39:52,390 --> 00:39:53,270
Enough!
611
00:40:03,026 --> 00:40:04,896
Let us go talk to the Professor.
612
00:40:05,403 --> 00:40:07,203
McAvoy or Stewart?
613
00:40:07,239 --> 00:40:09,449
These timelines are so confusing.
614
00:40:10,784 --> 00:40:13,454
"Dead or alive, you're coming with me!"
615
00:40:13,495 --> 00:40:15,045
You will recover, Wade.
616
00:40:15,330 --> 00:40:16,960
You always do.
617
00:40:21,461 --> 00:40:24,881
You ever see 127 Hours? Spoiler alert.
618
00:40:28,635 --> 00:40:29,805
Oh, my God.
619
00:40:29,845 --> 00:40:30,895
Nasty.
620
00:40:34,015 --> 00:40:36,095
There's the money shot, baby.
621
00:40:36,560 --> 00:40:38,520
Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.
622
00:40:49,447 --> 00:40:51,867
Rock, meet bottom.
623
00:40:52,367 --> 00:40:55,367
And when life ends up breathtakingly fucked...
624
00:40:55,620 --> 00:40:59,870
you can generally trace it back
to one big, bad decision.
625
00:40:59,916 --> 00:41:03,166
The one that sent you
down the road to Shitsburgh.
626
00:41:03,211 --> 00:41:06,261
This? Well, this was mine.
627
00:41:06,798 --> 00:41:08,258
Mr. Wilson.
628
00:41:09,634 --> 00:41:14,184
Nothing warms my heart more
than a change of someone else's.
629
00:41:14,222 --> 00:41:15,932
You finally hit "fuck it."
630
00:41:17,100 --> 00:41:19,100
Just promise you'll do right by me.
631
00:41:19,769 --> 00:41:21,769
So I can do right by someone else.
632
00:41:21,813 --> 00:41:22,983
Of course.
633
00:41:23,732 --> 00:41:25,482
And please don't make the super-suit green.
634
00:41:26,776 --> 00:41:28,276
Or animated.
635
00:41:34,784 --> 00:41:37,834
Move it! Keep moving.
636
00:41:48,465 --> 00:41:50,595
This place seems sanitary.
637
00:41:51,343 --> 00:41:53,593
My first request is warmer hands.
638
00:41:54,137 --> 00:41:57,427
And, Jesus, a warmer table.
639
00:41:58,975 --> 00:42:00,845
We should really come up
with a safe word, fellas.
640
00:42:01,186 --> 00:42:03,016
I'm thinking "pork and beans."
641
00:42:07,317 --> 00:42:08,527
Easy.
642
00:42:10,529 --> 00:42:12,819
Aren't you a little strong for a lady?
643
00:42:13,615 --> 00:42:14,995
I'm calling wang.
644
00:42:18,870 --> 00:42:20,120
What's up with the matches?
645
00:42:20,372 --> 00:42:23,122
Oral fixation
or just a big Stallone fan?
646
00:42:24,668 --> 00:42:25,958
Patience, Angel.
647
00:42:26,878 --> 00:42:28,628
All in good time.
648
00:42:28,672 --> 00:42:30,592
Are you here for the turndown service,
or what?
649
00:42:32,175 --> 00:42:33,425
We have another talker.
650
00:42:33,468 --> 00:42:35,298
I'm just excited about my first day
at superhero camp.
651
00:42:35,345 --> 00:42:37,505
Shut the fuck up.
652
00:42:40,851 --> 00:42:42,811
Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax.
653
00:42:43,770 --> 00:42:45,860
I manage this workshop.
654
00:42:46,940 --> 00:42:50,230
My welcome speech used to be
full of euphemisms like...
655
00:42:50,277 --> 00:42:53,907
"This may hurt a little."
"This may cause you some discomfort."
656
00:42:53,947 --> 00:42:56,237
But I've grown blunt.
657
00:42:56,283 --> 00:42:58,913
This workshop is not
a government-led program.
658
00:42:58,952 --> 00:43:02,622
It's a private institution that turns
reclamation projects like yourself...
659
00:43:02,664 --> 00:43:06,004
into men of extraordinary abilities.
660
00:43:07,627 --> 00:43:10,877
But if you think superhuman powers
are acquired painlessly...
661
00:43:11,798 --> 00:43:12,628
Wrong.
662
00:43:13,300 --> 00:43:17,390
I'm injecting you with a serum that activates
any mutant genes lurking in your DNA.
663
00:43:17,637 --> 00:43:21,557
For it to work we need to subject
you to extreme stress.
664
00:43:27,022 --> 00:43:30,322
You've heard that whole
"make an omelet, break some eggs" bit, right?
665
00:43:31,067 --> 00:43:32,487
I'm about to hurt you, Wade.
666
00:43:33,653 --> 00:43:36,203
I was a patient here once myself, you know.
667
00:43:36,740 --> 00:43:39,240
The treatment affects everyone differently.
668
00:43:39,576 --> 00:43:42,406
It made Angel inhumanly strong.
669
00:43:42,746 --> 00:43:46,746
In my case, it enhanced my reflexes.
670
00:43:47,250 --> 00:43:50,210
Also scorched my nerve endings,
so I no longer feel pain.
671
00:43:51,922 --> 00:43:55,762
And, in fact, I no longer feel anything.
672
00:44:04,267 --> 00:44:07,057
Thanks! Thank you. Thank you.
673
00:44:07,354 --> 00:44:09,114
You have something in your teeth.
674
00:44:10,023 --> 00:44:12,233
Right in the middle there.
Just, I don't...
675
00:44:12,275 --> 00:44:15,185
A little nugget of romaine lettuce
or something.
676
00:44:17,197 --> 00:44:19,617
It's been bothering me for a long time.
677
00:44:21,076 --> 00:44:22,116
Made you look.
678
00:44:22,410 --> 00:44:25,870
Is Ajax your actual name?
Because it sounds suspiciously made up.
679
00:44:25,914 --> 00:44:27,044
What is it really?
680
00:44:27,082 --> 00:44:29,502
Kevin? Bruce? Scott?
681
00:44:29,543 --> 00:44:31,133
Mitch? The Rickster?
682
00:44:31,795 --> 00:44:33,305
Is it Basil Fawlty?
683
00:44:33,630 --> 00:44:35,130
Joke away.
684
00:44:35,590 --> 00:44:38,470
One thing that never survives this place
is a sense of humor.
685
00:44:38,969 --> 00:44:40,259
We'll see about that.
686
00:44:40,303 --> 00:44:41,643
I suppose we will.
687
00:44:42,973 --> 00:44:44,563
He's all yours.
688
00:44:44,599 --> 00:44:45,809
Come on.
689
00:44:46,309 --> 00:44:49,439
You're gonna leave me all alone here
with less-angry Rosie O'Donnell?
690
00:44:53,817 --> 00:44:55,897
This is how it's going to work.
691
00:44:55,944 --> 00:44:58,954
Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum...
692
00:44:59,573 --> 00:45:02,083
so we're going to have to
make you suffer.
693
00:45:03,827 --> 00:45:08,657
If you're lucky, the mutant genes will activate
and manifest in a spectacular fashion.
694
00:45:12,961 --> 00:45:15,801
If not, well, we'll have
to keep on hurting you...
695
00:45:17,632 --> 00:45:20,342
in new and different ways,
each more painful than the last...
696
00:45:23,013 --> 00:45:25,353
until you finally mutate.
697
00:45:26,975 --> 00:45:28,185
Or die.
698
00:45:35,025 --> 00:45:36,655
You mean like a bucket list?
699
00:45:36,693 --> 00:45:38,993
Like a fuck-it list.
700
00:45:39,029 --> 00:45:41,699
I'd really like to light a spliff
off the Olympic torch.
701
00:45:42,282 --> 00:45:44,162
Pass it to me right after.
702
00:45:44,201 --> 00:45:50,161
Let's not forget naked tandem base-jumping
with the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs.
703
00:45:51,208 --> 00:45:54,338
Anything on my bucket list
would involve public nudity.
704
00:45:54,836 --> 00:45:57,706
Finally, giving Meredith Baxter-Birney
a Dutch oven.
705
00:45:58,006 --> 00:46:01,126
No. Receiving a Dutch oven
from Meredith Baxter-Birney.
706
00:46:05,805 --> 00:46:09,225
Making banana pancakes for my kids.
707
00:46:12,646 --> 00:46:14,686
Vanessa.
708
00:46:18,193 --> 00:46:20,573
I wanna see Vanessa.
709
00:46:20,612 --> 00:46:22,032
You're lovely.
710
00:46:22,072 --> 00:46:25,492
I don't know about anyone else,
but I'm touched.
711
00:46:25,534 --> 00:46:26,664
We were just joking.
712
00:46:26,701 --> 00:46:29,001
No, no. It's okay.
713
00:46:30,080 --> 00:46:31,750
I encourage distractions.
714
00:46:32,499 --> 00:46:34,879
Wouldn't want you giving up on us,
now would we?
715
00:46:34,918 --> 00:46:36,748
Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham.
716
00:46:37,712 --> 00:46:40,092
How tough can he be...
717
00:46:40,131 --> 00:46:43,051
with a name like Francis?
718
00:46:43,635 --> 00:46:44,765
Francis?
719
00:46:45,053 --> 00:46:46,473
That's his legal name.
720
00:46:47,097 --> 00:46:50,557
He got "Ajax" from the dish soap.
721
00:46:52,602 --> 00:46:56,192
F-R-A-N-C-I...
722
00:46:56,690 --> 00:46:58,020
Oops!
723
00:46:59,818 --> 00:47:02,698
Snagged the dry cleaning tag
off your lab coat.
724
00:47:04,614 --> 00:47:07,034
FYI, I could probably get you
the superhero discount.
725
00:47:07,075 --> 00:47:08,485
You are so relentlessly annoying.
726
00:47:08,535 --> 00:47:09,585
Thanks.
727
00:47:09,619 --> 00:47:10,869
Never heard that before.
728
00:47:10,912 --> 00:47:14,172
Why don't you do us all a favor
and shut the fuck up?
729
00:47:14,207 --> 00:47:16,207
Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut.
730
00:47:18,003 --> 00:47:19,753
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
731
00:47:19,796 --> 00:47:23,046
See, here's the problem
with round-the-clock torture...
732
00:47:23,091 --> 00:47:26,051
is that you can't really
step it up from there.
733
00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:31,020
Is that what you think?
734
00:47:36,313 --> 00:47:38,823
If this doesn't unlock your mutation,
then, well...
735
00:47:39,649 --> 00:47:40,939
nothing will.
736
00:47:41,359 --> 00:47:44,359
Now, what we're going to do is lower
the oxygen concentration in the air...
737
00:47:44,404 --> 00:47:47,034
to the exact point you feel
like you're suffocating.
738
00:47:47,324 --> 00:47:50,494
If your brainwaves slow,
meaning you're about to pass out...
739
00:47:51,161 --> 00:47:52,291
then we'll turn up the O2.
740
00:47:53,330 --> 00:47:54,750
If your heart rate slows...
741
00:47:54,789 --> 00:47:57,499
meaning you're able to catch your breath...
742
00:47:57,542 --> 00:47:58,922
we'll turn it back down.
743
00:47:59,544 --> 00:48:03,214
And that's where we'll leave you.
Right there.
744
00:48:03,590 --> 00:48:05,880
And I thought you guys were dicks before.
745
00:48:05,926 --> 00:48:08,336
You know the funniest part of this?
746
00:48:09,095 --> 00:48:11,465
You still think we're making you a superhero.
747
00:48:12,307 --> 00:48:15,767
You. A dishonorable discharge.
748
00:48:16,520 --> 00:48:18,560
Hip-deep in hookers.
749
00:48:19,272 --> 00:48:20,902
You're nothing.
750
00:48:21,858 --> 00:48:23,318
Little secret, Wade.
751
00:48:24,152 --> 00:48:28,242
This workshop doesn't make superheroes,
we make super-slaves.
752
00:48:29,324 --> 00:48:33,084
We're gonna fit you with a control collar
and auction you off to the highest bidder.
753
00:48:33,870 --> 00:48:35,250
Who knows what they'll have you doing?
754
00:48:36,081 --> 00:48:39,541
Terrorizing citizens,
putting down freedom fighters.
755
00:48:41,711 --> 00:48:44,551
Maybe just mow the occasional lawn.
756
00:48:45,048 --> 00:48:47,508
What the fuck is wrong with you?
757
00:48:52,764 --> 00:48:55,604
You're never going home after this.
758
00:48:55,642 --> 00:48:57,852
Now there's a brave face.
759
00:48:58,895 --> 00:49:00,435
Wait, wait! Wait. Wait.
760
00:49:02,774 --> 00:49:06,694
Seriously, you actually have something
in your teeth now.
761
00:49:08,613 --> 00:49:09,993
Enjoy your weekend.
762
00:49:10,365 --> 00:49:12,075
"Weekend"? Back up.
763
00:49:12,117 --> 00:49:13,327
Weekend?
764
00:49:55,035 --> 00:49:57,125
Did I say this was a love story?
765
00:49:57,162 --> 00:49:59,622
No, it's a horror movie.
766
00:50:16,097 --> 00:50:18,267
Fucking hell.
767
00:50:18,308 --> 00:50:21,558
Looks like someone lost his shot
at Homecoming King.
768
00:50:21,603 --> 00:50:23,693
What have you done to me?
769
00:50:23,730 --> 00:50:27,110
I've merely raised your stress levels
high enough to trigger a mutation.
770
00:50:27,150 --> 00:50:29,280
You sadistic fuck!
771
00:50:29,986 --> 00:50:31,486
I've cured you, Wade.
772
00:50:32,322 --> 00:50:33,952
Now your mutated cells can heal anything.
773
00:50:35,075 --> 00:50:37,835
It's attacking your cancer
as fast as it can form.
774
00:50:39,079 --> 00:50:41,659
Yeah, I've seen similar side effects before.
775
00:50:42,958 --> 00:50:43,998
I could cure them...
776
00:50:47,587 --> 00:50:49,257
but where's the fun in that?
777
00:50:51,591 --> 00:50:54,141
Now, I'm gonna shut you in again, Wade.
778
00:50:55,929 --> 00:50:57,889
Not because I need to.
779
00:51:01,852 --> 00:51:03,562
Because I want to.
780
00:51:18,034 --> 00:51:19,244
Oh, well.
781
00:51:19,286 --> 00:51:20,496
Go ahead.
782
00:51:23,707 --> 00:51:25,537
You smell like shit.
783
00:51:28,837 --> 00:51:29,877
Motherfucker.
784
00:51:30,797 --> 00:51:32,717
It's all right, it's all right.
785
00:51:33,800 --> 00:51:35,550
I think we owe him that one, yeah?
786
00:51:35,802 --> 00:51:38,182
You take off. Go on.
787
00:51:38,972 --> 00:51:40,312
Off you go.
788
00:51:51,318 --> 00:51:52,898
Quick question.
789
00:51:55,197 --> 00:51:57,237
What's my name?
790
00:52:02,996 --> 00:52:04,326
Didn't think so.
791
00:52:06,208 --> 00:52:08,918
Sorry, Francis. My lips are sealed.
792
00:54:05,368 --> 00:54:06,828
You don't want to kill me.
793
00:54:06,870 --> 00:54:09,120
I'm the only one
who can fix your ugly mug.
794
00:55:05,846 --> 00:55:07,426
What's my name?
795
00:55:13,603 --> 00:55:14,773
Wade.
796
00:56:22,130 --> 00:56:25,170
I didn't just get the cure to el cГЎncer...
797
00:56:26,676 --> 00:56:29,346
I got the cure to el everything.
798
00:56:33,016 --> 00:56:35,266
But there was only one thing...
799
00:56:35,310 --> 00:56:36,940
that really mattered.
800
00:57:06,383 --> 00:57:07,433
Come on, let's go.
801
00:57:12,764 --> 00:57:15,524
Oh, that must hurt.
802
00:57:16,518 --> 00:57:17,978
Thank you so much.
803
00:57:29,906 --> 00:57:32,156
God, he's so fucking gnarly.
804
00:57:32,200 --> 00:57:33,620
Look at his face.
805
00:57:33,660 --> 00:57:36,040
Oh, my God. Poor guy.
806
00:57:36,079 --> 00:57:37,209
Honey, don't stare.
807
00:57:37,247 --> 00:57:38,407
Freak.
808
00:57:58,768 --> 00:58:02,108
No way. I'm not making her life
as ugly as mine.
809
00:58:02,397 --> 00:58:04,937
Come on, Wade, it can't be that bad.
810
00:58:04,983 --> 00:58:06,323
Bullshit!
811
00:58:06,359 --> 00:58:09,609
I'm a monster inside and out.
I belong in a fucking circus.
812
00:58:09,654 --> 00:58:12,204
Wade, Vanessa loves you.
She doesn't care what you...
813
00:58:13,992 --> 00:58:14,952
Do you like what you see?
814
00:58:15,202 --> 00:58:16,372
No.
815
00:58:16,870 --> 00:58:20,830
You look like an avocado had sex
with an older, more disgusting avocado.
816
00:58:21,249 --> 00:58:22,039
Yeah.
817
00:58:22,083 --> 00:58:24,173
Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking.
818
00:58:24,211 --> 00:58:26,131
There was something wrong
with the relationship...
819
00:58:26,171 --> 00:58:29,801
and that was the only catharsis that
they could find without violence.
820
00:58:29,841 --> 00:58:32,431
And the only guy
who can fix this fugly mug...
821
00:58:32,469 --> 00:58:35,179
is the British shitstick
who ran the mutant factory.
822
00:58:35,222 --> 00:58:37,142
And he's gone. Poof!
823
00:58:37,182 --> 00:58:38,892
Yeah, well you gotta do something
to remedy this...
824
00:58:38,934 --> 00:58:41,984
because as of now,
you only have one course of action.
825
00:58:42,020 --> 00:58:43,270
Damn straight.
826
00:58:43,313 --> 00:58:45,193
-Find Francis.
-Star in horror films.
827
00:58:45,232 --> 00:58:46,192
What?
828
00:58:46,233 --> 00:58:48,443
Star in your own horror films.
829
00:58:48,485 --> 00:58:52,325
Because you look like Freddy Krueger
face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.
830
00:58:53,156 --> 00:58:54,906
Here's what I'm actually gonna do.
831
00:58:54,950 --> 00:58:57,620
I'm gonna work through his crew
until somebody gives up Francis...
832
00:58:57,661 --> 00:59:00,041
force him to fix this,
then put a bullet in his skull...
833
00:59:00,080 --> 00:59:01,750
and fuck the brain hole.
834
00:59:01,790 --> 00:59:04,920
I don't wanna see that
or think of it again.
835
00:59:04,960 --> 00:59:07,170
But the douchebag does
think you're dead, right?
836
00:59:07,212 --> 00:59:07,922
Yeah.
837
00:59:07,963 --> 00:59:09,843
That's good.
You should keep it that way.
838
00:59:09,881 --> 00:59:11,551
What, like, wear a mask?
839
00:59:11,591 --> 00:59:14,551
Yes. A very thick mask.
All the time.
840
00:59:15,303 --> 00:59:16,303
I am sorry...
841
00:59:16,346 --> 00:59:18,966
you are haunting.
842
00:59:19,015 --> 00:59:20,925
Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
843
00:59:20,976 --> 00:59:22,346
Like a testicle with teeth.
844
00:59:22,394 --> 00:59:24,154
You will die alone.
845
00:59:24,187 --> 00:59:25,807
I mean, if you could die.
846
00:59:26,439 --> 00:59:28,399
Ideally, for others' sake.
847
00:59:28,441 --> 00:59:29,691
That'll do.
848
00:59:29,985 --> 00:59:31,785
All you need now is a suit
and a nickname...
849
00:59:31,820 --> 00:59:33,700
like Wade the Wisecracker...
850
00:59:34,114 --> 00:59:37,244
or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie.
851
00:59:38,118 --> 00:59:39,118
Shit.
852
00:59:39,703 --> 00:59:40,793
What?
853
00:59:41,621 --> 00:59:43,621
I put all my money on you and now...
854
00:59:43,665 --> 00:59:45,255
I just realized I'm never gonna win the...
855
00:59:45,292 --> 00:59:46,172
Dead pool.
856
00:59:50,172 --> 00:59:52,472
Captain Deadpool.
857
00:59:54,342 --> 00:59:55,472
No, just...
858
00:59:55,510 --> 00:59:57,260
-Just Deadpool, yeah.
-Just Deadpool.
859
00:59:57,304 --> 00:59:59,264
To you, Mr. Pool.
860
00:59:59,556 --> 01:00:02,056
Deadpool.
That sounds like a fucking franchise.
861
01:00:16,656 --> 01:00:18,736
This shit's gonna have nuts in it.
862
01:00:19,826 --> 01:00:20,826
Where's Francis?
863
01:00:35,091 --> 01:00:36,761
Where's Francis?
864
01:00:44,935 --> 01:00:46,855
Seltzer water and lemon for blood.
865
01:00:48,188 --> 01:00:51,108
Or wear red. Dumbass.
866
01:01:09,835 --> 01:01:11,295
Don't make me ask twice.
867
01:01:12,671 --> 01:01:14,051
Where...
868
01:01:14,089 --> 01:01:16,219
is Francis?
869
01:01:16,800 --> 01:01:18,510
He made me ask twice.
870
01:01:18,552 --> 01:01:20,552
Is the mask muffling my voice?
871
01:01:25,350 --> 01:01:26,810
Where's Francis?
872
01:01:29,437 --> 01:01:31,267
Where the fuck is Francis?
873
01:01:39,948 --> 01:01:43,328
You're about to be killed by a Zamboni.
874
01:01:43,368 --> 01:01:44,578
Where's Francis?
875
01:01:45,996 --> 01:01:47,116
No! Please!
876
01:01:47,747 --> 01:01:51,207
Oh, God! I'm so sorry!
877
01:01:51,751 --> 01:01:54,381
You little spider monkey!
878
01:01:57,465 --> 01:02:00,925
Where... is... Francis?
879
01:02:02,095 --> 01:02:03,345
This is confusing.
880
01:02:03,388 --> 01:02:06,348
Is it sexist to hit you?
Is it more sexist to not hit you?
881
01:02:06,391 --> 01:02:08,691
I mean, the line gets real... blurry.
882
01:02:09,060 --> 01:02:10,980
WHERE IS FRANCIS?
883
01:02:12,564 --> 01:02:15,824
Tell me where your fucking boss is
or you're gonna die!
884
01:02:16,443 --> 01:02:18,073
In five minutes!
885
01:02:28,205 --> 01:02:29,965
Don't hesitate to call me.
886
01:02:45,597 --> 01:02:47,767
Nice to see you, Jared.
887
01:02:48,934 --> 01:02:50,394
I'll take the footlong...
888
01:02:50,894 --> 01:02:51,734
fully loaded.
889
01:03:07,327 --> 01:03:08,947
41 confirmed kills.
890
01:03:08,995 --> 01:03:11,405
Now it's 89. About to be 90.
891
01:03:12,165 --> 01:03:13,455
Mr. Wilson?
892
01:03:15,252 --> 01:03:17,422
You're looking very alive.
893
01:03:18,255 --> 01:03:19,305
Only on the outside.
894
01:03:19,965 --> 01:03:22,885
-This is not going to end well for me, is it?
-This is not gonna end well for you, no.
895
01:03:22,926 --> 01:03:24,086
Where's your boss?
896
01:03:24,135 --> 01:03:25,755
I can tell you exactly...
897
01:03:27,472 --> 01:03:29,352
Oh, you'll tell me, but first...
898
01:03:29,933 --> 01:03:32,233
You might wanna look away for this.
899
01:03:32,269 --> 01:03:33,519
Now this little piggy went to...
900
01:03:35,647 --> 01:03:37,937
Thank you, Agent Smith.
901
01:03:41,528 --> 01:03:42,278
Taxi!
902
01:03:44,030 --> 01:03:46,280
Hop in! Great day for a ride.
903
01:03:48,285 --> 01:03:49,665
And we all know how this turned out.
904
01:03:52,622 --> 01:03:54,832
Whoops! You weren't meant to see that.
905
01:04:02,799 --> 01:04:04,629
There. All caught up.
906
01:04:12,559 --> 01:04:14,479
We're here.
907
01:04:15,395 --> 01:04:18,475
Sorry about bleeding in all your garbage.
908
01:04:24,738 --> 01:04:26,818
Seltzer water and lemon for blood.
909
01:04:28,992 --> 01:04:31,542
Some kinds of anger can't be managed...
910
01:04:31,578 --> 01:04:36,668
like the kind where your year-long plan
ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered!
911
01:04:37,334 --> 01:04:41,844
That said, when it comes time to licking wounds,
there's no place like home.
912
01:04:42,672 --> 01:04:46,932
And I share that home with someone you've met,
the old blind lady from the laundromat, Al.
913
01:04:47,344 --> 01:04:48,894
God, I miss cocaine.
914
01:04:49,513 --> 01:04:50,223
Her.
915
01:04:51,348 --> 01:04:53,928
Fourth-wall break
inside a fourth-wall break.
916
01:04:54,184 --> 01:04:56,734
That's like 16 walls.
917
01:04:57,270 --> 01:05:02,690
She's like Robin to my Batman,
except she's old, and black, and blind.
918
01:05:02,734 --> 01:05:04,404
And I think she's in love with me.
919
01:05:04,861 --> 01:05:08,241
Wait, pretty sure Robin loves Batman, too.
920
01:05:18,250 --> 01:05:19,250
Al?
921
01:05:21,670 --> 01:05:22,920
Morning, sleepyhead.
922
01:05:24,548 --> 01:05:26,718
It smells like old lady pants in here.
923
01:05:26,758 --> 01:05:28,718
Yes, I'm old. I wear pants.
924
01:05:28,760 --> 01:05:30,350
But you're no lady.
925
01:05:31,513 --> 01:05:33,183
So comfy.
926
01:05:33,932 --> 01:05:36,982
Upside of being blind:
I've never seen you in Crocs.
927
01:05:37,018 --> 01:05:38,518
You mean my big,
rubber masturbating shoes?
928
01:05:38,562 --> 01:05:39,522
Yes, I know.
929
01:05:40,063 --> 01:05:42,733
Downside of being blind...
930
01:05:42,774 --> 01:05:44,944
I hear everything in this duplex.
931
01:05:47,279 --> 01:05:48,529
Sit on a stick.
932
01:05:48,572 --> 01:05:49,572
Bactin?
933
01:05:49,614 --> 01:05:53,704
Yeah. Bactin should do it.
934
01:05:54,911 --> 01:05:58,751
How's that Kullen coming along?
IKEA doesn't assemble itself, you know.
935
01:05:58,790 --> 01:06:01,750
You're telling me.
I don't mind the Kullen.
936
01:06:01,793 --> 01:06:03,673
It's an improvement on the Hurdal.
937
01:06:04,337 --> 01:06:06,957
Please. Anything's an improvement
over the Hurdal.
938
01:06:07,007 --> 01:06:10,507
I'd have taken an Hemnes
or a Trysil over the Hurdal.
939
01:06:11,636 --> 01:06:13,926
No, I didn't get excited
till I saw the Kullen.
940
01:06:14,264 --> 01:06:15,144
Screw, please.
941
01:06:15,182 --> 01:06:16,562
Here? Now? Just kidding.
942
01:06:16,600 --> 01:06:17,810
I know it's been decades.
943
01:06:17,851 --> 01:06:18,981
You'd be surprised.
944
01:06:19,686 --> 01:06:20,766
Pretty grossed out.
945
01:06:22,772 --> 01:06:25,192
Ta... Da.
946
01:06:30,989 --> 01:06:34,119
I wish I never heard of Craigslist.
947
01:06:34,534 --> 01:06:37,164
And I quote, "Looking for roommate,
blind to life's imperfections.
948
01:06:37,204 --> 01:06:38,334
"Must be good with hands."
949
01:06:38,371 --> 01:06:40,621
Or would you rather
I build the IKEA, and you pay rent?
950
01:06:40,665 --> 01:06:42,535
Why such a douche this morning?
951
01:06:43,293 --> 01:06:44,423
Let's recap.
952
01:06:44,461 --> 01:06:46,801
The cock thistle that turned me into this freak...
953
01:06:46,838 --> 01:06:48,458
slipped through my arms today...
954
01:06:50,133 --> 01:06:51,343
Arm.
955
01:06:51,801 --> 01:06:54,931
Catching him was my only chance to be
hot again, get my super sexy ex back...
956
01:06:54,971 --> 01:06:57,271
and prevent this shit
from happening to someone else.
957
01:06:57,307 --> 01:07:01,057
So, yeah, today was about as much fun
as a sandpaper dildo.
958
01:07:02,979 --> 01:07:04,519
#driveby.
959
01:07:21,998 --> 01:07:23,998
Found out who our friend
in the red suit is.
960
01:07:26,336 --> 01:07:28,206
Fucking Wade Wilson.
961
01:07:29,172 --> 01:07:31,512
Suppose I'd wear a mask, too
if I had a face like that.
962
01:07:32,175 --> 01:07:33,715
I only wish I healed the same.
963
01:07:37,681 --> 01:07:40,481
Still, we'll put him out of our misery.
964
01:07:40,517 --> 01:07:41,767
On our terms.
965
01:07:42,185 --> 01:07:43,935
Right. And when he heals?
966
01:07:44,938 --> 01:07:46,058
He can't.
967
01:07:46,106 --> 01:07:48,686
Not if there's nothing
left of him to heal.
968
01:07:48,733 --> 01:07:52,703
You know, it's funny.
I almost miss the fucker.
969
01:07:54,114 --> 01:07:55,534
I like a challenge.
970
01:07:56,867 --> 01:07:59,037
But he's bad for business.
971
01:07:59,077 --> 01:08:00,787
Now let's go find him.
972
01:08:05,250 --> 01:08:06,670
Tylenol PM?
973
01:08:06,710 --> 01:08:09,210
You can stick that
where you stuck the Bactin.
974
01:08:09,629 --> 01:08:12,049
I raided my stash
of wisdom tooth Percocet...
975
01:08:12,090 --> 01:08:16,050
and I am orbiting
fucking Saturn right now.
976
01:08:18,889 --> 01:08:20,969
But I appreciate the gesture.
977
01:08:21,892 --> 01:08:26,352
Am I crazy,
or is your hand really small?
978
01:08:26,396 --> 01:08:28,146
About the size of a KFC spork.
979
01:08:30,317 --> 01:08:32,527
I get why you're so pissy...
980
01:08:32,569 --> 01:08:35,569
but your mood's never gonna brighten
till you find this woman...
981
01:08:35,614 --> 01:08:37,034
and tell her how you feel.
982
01:08:37,073 --> 01:08:40,453
What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo?
She wouldn't have me.
983
01:08:40,493 --> 01:08:42,203
If you could see me, you'd understand.
984
01:08:42,245 --> 01:08:43,365
Looks aren't everything.
985
01:08:43,413 --> 01:08:44,543
Looks are everything.
986
01:08:44,581 --> 01:08:46,711
You ever heard David Beckham speak?
987
01:08:46,750 --> 01:08:48,750
It's like he mouth-sexed
a can of helium.
988
01:08:49,169 --> 01:08:52,419
Think Ryan Reynolds got this far
on his superior acting method?
989
01:08:52,464 --> 01:08:53,884
Love is blind, Wade.
990
01:08:53,924 --> 01:08:54,594
No.
991
01:08:55,926 --> 01:08:57,176
You're blind.
992
01:08:57,844 --> 01:09:00,764
So, you're just gonna lie there and whimper?
993
01:09:00,805 --> 01:09:02,885
No, I'm gonna wait till this arm
plows through puberty...
994
01:09:02,933 --> 01:09:04,933
and then I'm gonna come up
with a whole new Christmas Day plan.
995
01:09:05,852 --> 01:09:08,522
In the meantime,
you might wanna leave the room.
996
01:09:09,189 --> 01:09:11,609
I bet it feels huge in this hand.
997
01:09:12,943 --> 01:09:15,653
Go, go, go.
998
01:09:16,196 --> 01:09:19,156
So, the doctor says, "The bad news is
you don't have that long to live."
999
01:09:19,199 --> 01:09:20,779
So, the patient says,
"How long do I have?"
1000
01:09:20,825 --> 01:09:22,735
The doctor says, "Five."
1001
01:09:22,786 --> 01:09:24,406
The guy says, "Five what?"
1002
01:09:24,454 --> 01:09:28,334
The doctor says,
"Four, three, two..."
1003
01:09:35,507 --> 01:09:37,047
Can I help you ladies?
1004
01:09:39,636 --> 01:09:40,796
I do hope so.
1005
01:09:45,016 --> 01:09:49,146
I heard you might be able to point me
in the direction of a friend of mine.
1006
01:09:49,688 --> 01:09:50,688
Name of Wade Wilson.
1007
01:09:52,232 --> 01:09:53,362
Sorry.
1008
01:09:53,400 --> 01:09:54,980
I don't know the name.
1009
01:10:02,325 --> 01:10:04,655
Hey, you're not supposed to be
behind the bar.
1010
01:10:08,373 --> 01:10:10,293
I've seen this girl.
1011
01:10:10,333 --> 01:10:12,843
This must be Vanessa.
I've heard so much about you.
1012
01:10:17,591 --> 01:10:19,341
Sweetheart, you might wanna look around.
1013
01:10:19,926 --> 01:10:22,506
This isn't really the place
to do something like that.
1014
01:10:23,930 --> 01:10:25,680
Easy, Angel.
1015
01:10:25,724 --> 01:10:27,104
Put the little man down.
1016
01:10:28,685 --> 01:10:30,435
We have everything we need now.
1017
01:10:30,854 --> 01:10:31,904
You sure?
1018
01:10:32,606 --> 01:10:35,686
You don't want any clothes
that are not monochromatic?
1019
01:10:35,734 --> 01:10:38,404
Have fun at your midnight
showing of Blade II.
1020
01:10:42,073 --> 01:10:43,783
Thanks for having my back, guys.
1021
01:10:48,788 --> 01:10:53,078
Wade, we have a fucking problem.
And by "we," I mean "you."
1022
01:10:53,960 --> 01:10:55,630
I can't believe I'm doing this.
1023
01:10:56,129 --> 01:10:59,009
Is there a word for half afraid,
half angry?
1024
01:10:59,049 --> 01:11:01,179
Yeah, "afrangry," I guess.
1025
01:11:01,218 --> 01:11:03,008
Have you decided what
you're gonna say to her?
1026
01:11:03,053 --> 01:11:04,053
Fuck me!
1027
01:11:04,387 --> 01:11:06,307
Maybe not start with that.
1028
01:11:12,229 --> 01:11:15,519
Hey, coming onto our stage right now...
1029
01:11:15,565 --> 01:11:17,725
give it up for Chastity!
1030
01:11:21,571 --> 01:11:23,911
Or as I like to call her, Irony.
1031
01:11:23,949 --> 01:11:26,079
Better find her fast before numbnuts does.
1032
01:11:26,117 --> 01:11:27,617
How do you know she's in here?
1033
01:11:27,661 --> 01:11:30,791
Because I'm constantly stalking that fox.
1034
01:11:55,772 --> 01:11:59,282
Every time I see her,
it's like the first time...
1035
01:12:00,110 --> 01:12:02,280
Especially from this angle.
1036
01:12:25,802 --> 01:12:29,812
You can't buy love,
but you can rent it for three minutes.
1037
01:12:32,851 --> 01:12:35,521
You weak motherfucker!
1038
01:12:36,313 --> 01:12:37,313
Come on!
1039
01:12:38,523 --> 01:12:41,823
Come on, get it together.
This isn't about me, this is about Vanessa.
1040
01:12:45,989 --> 01:12:47,319
Here we go.
1041
01:12:49,910 --> 01:12:51,490
Maximum effort.
1042
01:12:55,040 --> 01:12:56,170
Vanessa.
1043
01:12:58,668 --> 01:13:02,838
Someone out back asking for you.
Something about an old boyfriend.
1044
01:13:30,200 --> 01:13:31,280
I knew it was you.
1045
01:13:33,119 --> 01:13:35,039
The weird, curvy edges.
1046
01:13:36,623 --> 01:13:38,463
Like a jigsaw puzzle.
1047
01:13:48,552 --> 01:13:50,392
You have Wade Wilson to thank for this.
1048
01:13:59,396 --> 01:14:00,936
Hey. Hey! Where'd she go?
1049
01:14:01,898 --> 01:14:04,438
I saw her head to the back.
Go get her, tiger.
1050
01:14:32,470 --> 01:14:34,220
Motherfucker!
1051
01:14:34,264 --> 01:14:36,604
-Wait, wait. Let's... Just...
-Cock juggling...
1052
01:14:36,641 --> 01:14:38,561
-We can talk about what we're gonna...
-Jiminy! Fuck face!
1053
01:14:38,602 --> 01:14:39,892
Okay, or you can hit that.
1054
01:14:39,936 --> 01:14:41,766
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Fuck! Fuck!
1055
01:14:41,813 --> 01:14:44,483
-No, no. All right. Hey!
-Fuck! Fuck!
1056
01:14:44,941 --> 01:14:45,981
-Fuck!
-Hey.
1057
01:14:47,027 --> 01:14:49,107
Relax. Relax. Okay.
1058
01:14:49,154 --> 01:14:50,494
Okay. I think thatРІР‚в„ўs a good start.
1059
01:14:50,530 --> 01:14:52,620
I'm gonna rip his motherfucking...
1060
01:14:52,657 --> 01:14:53,657
Wait.
1061
01:14:53,700 --> 01:14:55,200
-Find it! Find it.
-What?
1062
01:14:55,243 --> 01:14:56,663
-I'm gonna get angry.
-Okay. All right.
1063
01:14:57,078 --> 01:14:58,868
All right. Okay. All right.
1064
01:14:58,914 --> 01:15:00,254
Here. This is Vanessa.
1065
01:15:00,290 --> 01:15:02,330
-What?
-No, wait. It's Francis.
1066
01:15:02,375 --> 01:15:03,995
He wants you to come to him.
1067
01:15:04,294 --> 01:15:06,464
-What is that?
-That's the shit emoji.
1068
01:15:06,838 --> 01:15:08,968
You know, it's the turd
with the smiling face and the eyes?
1069
01:15:09,007 --> 01:15:11,337
I thought it was chocolate yogurt
for so long.
1070
01:15:12,052 --> 01:15:13,262
I need guns.
1071
01:15:13,303 --> 01:15:14,473
Okay, which ones?
1072
01:15:14,513 --> 01:15:15,643
I need all the guns!
1073
01:15:15,680 --> 01:15:16,890
All right. Okay.
1074
01:15:37,577 --> 01:15:39,037
That's about 3,000 rounds.
1075
01:15:39,996 --> 01:15:42,036
We all know what I can do with 12.
1076
01:15:42,457 --> 01:15:44,667
Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Milsap!
1077
01:15:44,709 --> 01:15:45,789
We're downrange.
1078
01:15:47,254 --> 01:15:50,804
I was gonna spend the night assembling the Börje,
but this is holding my interest.
1079
01:15:51,967 --> 01:15:54,797
I told you, we're going with the Urvaj,
not the Börje.
1080
01:15:54,845 --> 01:15:56,855
Get it through your head
or get out of fuck town.
1081
01:15:56,888 --> 01:15:59,678
Shit. That's all the pieces in the house.
1082
01:15:59,724 --> 01:16:01,484
Nah. Come on. Let's go.
Cough it up.
1083
01:16:01,852 --> 01:16:03,352
Up, up, up.
1084
01:16:04,771 --> 01:16:05,901
Down, down, down.
1085
01:16:05,939 --> 01:16:06,649
Fuck you.
1086
01:16:08,775 --> 01:16:11,485
.45 cal. I like it.
1087
01:16:13,655 --> 01:16:14,915
Wade...
1088
01:16:16,116 --> 01:16:18,826
I'd go with you, but I don't want to.
1089
01:16:23,373 --> 01:16:24,543
Listen, Al...
1090
01:16:25,625 --> 01:16:30,795
if I never see you again, I want you
to know that I love you very much.
1091
01:16:31,715 --> 01:16:36,845
And also, there's about 116 kilos of cocaine
buried somewhere in the apartment...
1092
01:16:36,887 --> 01:16:39,677
right next to the cure for blindness.
Good luck.
1093
01:16:45,187 --> 01:16:46,477
You wanna get fucked up?
1094
01:16:56,573 --> 01:16:58,073
Put her down over here.
1095
01:17:08,293 --> 01:17:09,503
Go on then.
1096
01:17:11,922 --> 01:17:14,512
Thanks, dickless. And I mean you.
1097
01:17:14,966 --> 01:17:18,296
Wow. You're a talker too. You and Wade.
1098
01:17:18,345 --> 01:17:21,605
I've been trying to tell you assholes,
you've got the wrong girl.
1099
01:17:21,640 --> 01:17:23,180
My old boyfriend, he's dead.
1100
01:17:23,225 --> 01:17:26,895
See, I thought that too.
But he keeps on coming back.
1101
01:17:26,937 --> 01:17:28,267
Like a cockroach...
1102
01:17:28,313 --> 01:17:29,613
but uglier.
1103
01:17:30,649 --> 01:17:34,109
Now, I may not feel, but he does.
1104
01:17:35,195 --> 01:17:37,075
Let's see how he fights
with your head on the block.
1105
01:17:45,997 --> 01:17:47,497
Ripley, from Alien 3!
1106
01:17:48,124 --> 01:17:49,964
Fuck, you're old.
1107
01:17:51,628 --> 01:17:54,088
Fake laugh. Hiding real pain.
1108
01:17:54,130 --> 01:17:55,510
Go get Silver Balls.
1109
01:17:55,549 --> 01:17:57,799
You guys going for a bite?
Early bird special?
1110
01:17:57,843 --> 01:18:00,353
Like there's something wrong with
eating before sundown or saving money.
1111
01:18:00,804 --> 01:18:04,144
No, you know that bad guy
that you let go?
1112
01:18:04,724 --> 01:18:06,644
He's got my girl.
1113
01:18:06,685 --> 01:18:08,065
You're gonna help me get her back.
1114
01:18:08,478 --> 01:18:10,308
Wade? Is that you?
1115
01:18:10,355 --> 01:18:14,775
Yeah, it's me, Deadpool,
and I got an offer that you can't refuse.
1116
01:18:17,487 --> 01:18:18,647
I'm gonna wait out here, okay?
1117
01:18:18,697 --> 01:18:20,777
It's a big house.
It's funny that I only ever see two of you.
1118
01:18:20,824 --> 01:18:24,124
It's almost like the studio
couldn't afford another X-Man.
1119
01:18:27,664 --> 01:18:29,124
And that is why, in my opinion...
1120
01:18:29,165 --> 01:18:32,375
the movie Cocoon
is pure pornography.
1121
01:18:32,878 --> 01:18:34,668
Who brought this twinkly man?
1122
01:18:34,713 --> 01:18:36,803
Twinkly, but deadly.
1123
01:18:36,840 --> 01:18:40,890
My chrome-penised friend back there
has agreed to do me this solid.
1124
01:18:41,469 --> 01:18:45,469
In exchange, I said that I would
consider joining his boy band.
1125
01:18:45,515 --> 01:18:46,805
It's not boy band.
1126
01:18:46,850 --> 01:18:47,890
Sure it's not.
1127
01:18:49,227 --> 01:18:50,897
So, any luck winning Gita back?
1128
01:18:51,688 --> 01:18:54,148
I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool...
1129
01:18:54,191 --> 01:18:57,821
but Bandhu is more craftier
and handsomer than me.
1130
01:18:58,486 --> 01:19:00,196
Well, I think you're pretty darn cute.
1131
01:19:06,077 --> 01:19:07,077
Dopinder?
1132
01:19:09,039 --> 01:19:10,039
What was that?
1133
01:19:12,083 --> 01:19:17,713
That was Bandhu in the trunk.
1134
01:19:18,381 --> 01:19:19,671
Ban who?
1135
01:19:19,716 --> 01:19:22,506
My romantic rival Bandhu.
He's tied up in the trunk.
1136
01:19:22,552 --> 01:19:24,222
I'm doing as you said, DP.
1137
01:19:24,262 --> 01:19:28,062
I plan to gut him like a tandoori fish,
then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep.
1138
01:19:29,392 --> 01:19:31,062
I did not tell him to do that.
1139
01:19:31,102 --> 01:19:33,812
Absolutely not.
It got lost in translation.
1140
01:19:33,855 --> 01:19:37,065
Dopinder, this is no way
to win Gita's heart back!
1141
01:19:37,108 --> 01:19:38,228
I'm so proud of you.
1142
01:19:38,276 --> 01:19:40,566
Drop Bandhu off, safe and gentle-like.
1143
01:19:40,612 --> 01:19:41,532
Kill him.
1144
01:19:41,571 --> 01:19:43,701
And then, win Gita back...
1145
01:19:43,740 --> 01:19:46,530
the old fashioned way:
with your boyish charm.
1146
01:19:46,576 --> 01:19:47,906
Kidnap her.
1147
01:19:49,454 --> 01:19:50,624
He's super dead.
1148
01:19:56,086 --> 01:19:57,706
I presume a crisp high five?
1149
01:19:57,754 --> 01:19:59,094
For you? 10.
1150
01:20:00,590 --> 01:20:03,380
Okay, guys, let's get out there
and make a difference.
1151
01:20:03,426 --> 01:20:05,296
You know what to do.
1152
01:20:06,263 --> 01:20:08,893
Knock 'em dead, Pool Boy!
1153
01:20:10,100 --> 01:20:12,100
Time to make the chimi-fuckin'-changas.
1154
01:20:13,603 --> 01:20:15,233
Not often a dude ruins your face...
1155
01:20:15,272 --> 01:20:18,232
skull-stomps your sanity,
grabs your future baby mama...
1156
01:20:18,275 --> 01:20:22,455
and personally sees to four
of your five shittiest moments.
1157
01:20:22,487 --> 01:20:26,657
Let's just say, it's beginning to look
a lot like Christmas.
1158
01:20:39,629 --> 01:20:40,959
Hey.
1159
01:20:41,006 --> 01:20:42,296
Where's your duffle bag?
1160
01:21:01,151 --> 01:21:02,571
Bandhu?
1161
01:21:04,112 --> 01:21:06,242
Leave a message and have a happy day.
1162
01:21:06,281 --> 01:21:07,621
God damn it!
1163
01:21:07,657 --> 01:21:09,367
I'm gonna do this the old fashioned way...
1164
01:21:09,409 --> 01:21:12,829
with two swords and maximum effort.
1165
01:21:13,830 --> 01:21:14,830
Cue the music.
1166
01:21:31,014 --> 01:21:33,474
Wade Wilson!
1167
01:21:34,017 --> 01:21:35,637
What's my name?
1168
01:21:36,269 --> 01:21:37,849
I'mma fuckin' spell it out for ya.
1169
01:21:40,190 --> 01:21:41,270
Go get some.
1170
01:21:41,316 --> 01:21:42,476
Superhero landing.
1171
01:21:42,526 --> 01:21:44,526
She's gonna do a superhero landing.
Wait for it.
1172
01:21:49,157 --> 01:21:50,317
Superhero landing!
1173
01:21:50,867 --> 01:21:51,947
You know, that's really hard
on your knees.
1174
01:21:52,285 --> 01:21:53,695
Totally impractical. They all do it.
1175
01:21:54,204 --> 01:21:57,504
You're a lovely lady,
but I'm saving myself for Francis.
1176
01:21:57,541 --> 01:21:58,751
That's why I brought him.
1177
01:21:58,792 --> 01:22:02,002
I prefer not to hit a woman,
so please...
1178
01:22:09,219 --> 01:22:12,309
I mean, that's why I brought her?
1179
01:22:13,849 --> 01:22:16,019
Oh, no, finish your tweet.
It's not... That's...
1180
01:22:16,059 --> 01:22:17,639
Just give us a second. Yeah.
1181
01:22:17,686 --> 01:22:19,016
There you go. Hashtag it.
1182
01:22:20,397 --> 01:22:22,227
Go get her, tiger.
1183
01:22:28,905 --> 01:22:32,655
I so pity the dude who pressures
her into prom sex.
1184
01:22:33,368 --> 01:22:34,908
All right, then. Fire!
1185
01:22:46,673 --> 01:22:48,303
Finish fucking her the fuck up!
1186
01:22:48,341 --> 01:22:49,381
Language, please.
1187
01:22:49,426 --> 01:22:50,586
Suck a cock.
1188
01:23:16,620 --> 01:23:18,290
Look away, child.
1189
01:23:19,039 --> 01:23:20,369
Look away!
1190
01:23:27,714 --> 01:23:29,054
Wait!
1191
01:23:29,090 --> 01:23:30,260
Wait!
1192
01:23:30,300 --> 01:23:31,300
Cease fire!
1193
01:23:31,343 --> 01:23:32,683
Cease fire!
1194
01:23:32,719 --> 01:23:34,179
Fellas! Hey! Hey!
1195
01:23:35,555 --> 01:23:39,265
You only work
for that shit-spackled muppet fart.
1196
01:23:39,309 --> 01:23:43,349
So, I'mma give you a chance
for y'all to lay down your firearms...
1197
01:23:43,396 --> 01:23:46,396
in exchange for preferential,
bordering on gentle...
1198
01:23:46,441 --> 01:23:49,901
possibly even lover-like treatment.
1199
01:23:51,947 --> 01:23:53,237
Fine.
1200
01:23:53,281 --> 01:23:54,201
Commando!
1201
01:25:06,396 --> 01:25:07,306
Teabag!
1202
01:25:11,902 --> 01:25:12,862
Bob?
1203
01:25:13,945 --> 01:25:14,895
Wade?
1204
01:25:14,946 --> 01:25:16,236
Oh, my God, I haven't seen you since...
1205
01:25:16,281 --> 01:25:18,571
-Jacksonville. Fridays.
-Since TGI Fridays.
1206
01:25:19,367 --> 01:25:21,077
Well, what the hell!
1207
01:25:21,661 --> 01:25:23,161
God, come here, you.
1208
01:25:25,332 --> 01:25:27,292
How are the kids? Good?
1209
01:25:27,834 --> 01:25:29,754
And Gail?
She's still fixing that tuna casserole?
1210
01:25:29,794 --> 01:25:32,594
So good! But bad for the waistline,
if you know what I'm talking about.
1211
01:25:39,304 --> 01:25:42,644
Your... On the left.
You are beautiful woman.
1212
01:25:42,682 --> 01:25:43,732
That is so sweet.
1213
01:25:45,185 --> 01:25:46,105
Thanks.
1214
01:25:58,365 --> 01:26:01,955
Does he write you notes too?
He's such a romantic.
1215
01:26:02,327 --> 01:26:03,697
Don't worry, baby. I'm comin'.
1216
01:26:05,330 --> 01:26:06,120
Fire!
1217
01:26:13,713 --> 01:26:15,173
Hey!
1218
01:26:15,507 --> 01:26:16,467
Climb on!
1219
01:26:53,503 --> 01:26:55,053
Motherfucking...
1220
01:27:06,433 --> 01:27:08,893
Motherfucker should have worn
his brown pants.
1221
01:27:11,688 --> 01:27:12,858
You were right, beautiful.
1222
01:27:13,732 --> 01:27:15,442
Red really is my color.
1223
01:27:16,359 --> 01:27:17,319
Wade?
1224
01:27:17,360 --> 01:27:18,240
Don't worry, baby...
1225
01:27:18,695 --> 01:27:20,695
I'mma get you out of that shit-box.
1226
01:27:21,198 --> 01:27:23,408
What better way to crawl back inside
that head of yours?
1227
01:27:23,450 --> 01:27:25,370
Oh, you never left.
1228
01:27:25,410 --> 01:27:27,540
But you did, asshole!
1229
01:27:27,579 --> 01:27:29,039
Deep breath, darling.
1230
01:27:30,582 --> 01:27:31,712
Oh, wait.
1231
01:27:32,834 --> 01:27:34,384
Wrong choice of words.
1232
01:27:36,588 --> 01:27:39,468
I hope they blocked pain
to your every last nerve.
1233
01:27:39,508 --> 01:27:40,588
'Cause I'mma go lookin'!
1234
01:27:42,010 --> 01:27:44,050
I hear you grow back body parts now,
Wade.
1235
01:27:44,554 --> 01:27:45,434
When I'm finished...
1236
01:27:45,680 --> 01:27:47,520
parts will have to grow back you.
1237
01:27:47,557 --> 01:27:48,677
Good one.
1238
01:27:49,601 --> 01:27:51,521
Yep, that was a good one.
1239
01:27:51,561 --> 01:27:52,521
Let's dance.
1240
01:27:53,897 --> 01:27:55,147
And by dance, I mean...
1241
01:27:55,190 --> 01:27:56,270
let's try to kill each other.
1242
01:28:50,954 --> 01:28:53,164
Fine. Fists.
1243
01:28:53,456 --> 01:28:55,286
Sounds like your last Saturday night.
1244
01:30:17,207 --> 01:30:19,287
Asshole!
1245
01:31:15,640 --> 01:31:16,640
Hang in there, baby!
1246
01:31:17,142 --> 01:31:19,102
-Wade!
-I gotcha!
1247
01:31:22,522 --> 01:31:24,482
I got a plan. You're not gonna like it.
1248
01:31:35,118 --> 01:31:36,238
Shit! Shit! Shit!
1249
01:31:42,209 --> 01:31:44,709
Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this.
1250
01:32:00,727 --> 01:32:01,807
Damn it!
1251
01:32:02,729 --> 01:32:05,609
Maximum effort!
1252
01:32:47,941 --> 01:32:48,941
Thanks.
1253
01:32:53,864 --> 01:32:55,534
Just take it slow.
1254
01:33:05,959 --> 01:33:08,589
Oh, my God! That was so...
1255
01:33:39,618 --> 01:33:41,198
There are no words!
1256
01:33:42,245 --> 01:33:45,865
Me and you are headed
to fix this butterface.
1257
01:33:46,625 --> 01:33:47,635
What?
1258
01:33:50,170 --> 01:33:52,880
You stupid fucking idiot.
1259
01:33:53,423 --> 01:33:57,973
Did you really think
there was a cure... for that?
1260
01:33:59,888 --> 01:34:00,808
What?
1261
01:34:01,264 --> 01:34:02,354
You heard me.
1262
01:34:04,142 --> 01:34:05,312
No.
1263
01:34:05,352 --> 01:34:06,602
No!
1264
01:34:13,777 --> 01:34:16,777
So, you mean to say...
1265
01:34:17,572 --> 01:34:21,832
after all this, you can't fix me?
1266
01:34:22,410 --> 01:34:24,540
It sounds even stupider when you say it.
1267
01:34:24,579 --> 01:34:29,669
Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do
the one thing I'm keeping him alive for?
1268
01:34:33,505 --> 01:34:35,345
Any last words?
1269
01:34:37,217 --> 01:34:38,297
What's my name?
1270
01:34:39,427 --> 01:34:40,717
Who fucking cares?
1271
01:34:40,762 --> 01:34:41,552
Wade!
1272
01:34:43,181 --> 01:34:45,561
Four or five moments.
1273
01:34:46,142 --> 01:34:47,142
I'm sorry?
1274
01:34:47,185 --> 01:34:49,555
Four or five moments,
that's all it takes.
1275
01:34:50,272 --> 01:34:51,152
To?
1276
01:34:52,315 --> 01:34:53,645
Be a hero.
1277
01:34:55,652 --> 01:34:58,402
Everyone thinks it's a full-time job.
1278
01:34:58,446 --> 01:35:02,026
Wake up a hero, brush your teeth a hero,
go to work a hero.
1279
01:35:02,826 --> 01:35:04,616
Not true.
1280
01:35:04,661 --> 01:35:09,831
Over a lifetime, there are only four
or five moments that really matter.
1281
01:35:10,208 --> 01:35:12,708
Moments when you're offered a choice.
1282
01:35:12,752 --> 01:35:16,922
To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw,
save a friend...
1283
01:35:17,716 --> 01:35:20,336
spare an enemy.
1284
01:35:20,760 --> 01:35:22,140
In these moments...
1285
01:35:22,929 --> 01:35:25,809
everything else falls away.
1286
01:35:26,516 --> 01:35:29,056
The way the world sees us.
1287
01:35:29,436 --> 01:35:30,436
The way we...
1288
01:35:34,691 --> 01:35:35,691
Why?
1289
01:35:36,943 --> 01:35:38,993
You were droning on.
1290
01:35:39,029 --> 01:35:42,069
Sure, I may be stuck
looking like pepperoni flatbread...
1291
01:35:42,115 --> 01:35:44,905
but at least fuckface won't heal from that.
1292
01:35:45,160 --> 01:35:47,790
If wearing superhero tights...
1293
01:35:48,246 --> 01:35:49,706
means sparing psychopaths...
1294
01:35:49,748 --> 01:35:51,918
then maybe I wasn't meant to wear 'em.
1295
01:35:51,958 --> 01:35:54,418
Not everyone monitors a hall like you.
1296
01:35:54,461 --> 01:35:55,631
Just promise...
1297
01:35:55,670 --> 01:35:59,420
Yeah, yeah, I'll be on the lookout
for the next four moments.
1298
01:35:59,466 --> 01:36:01,086
Oh, shit.
1299
01:36:01,134 --> 01:36:07,104
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm just a boy,
about to stand in front of a girl...
1300
01:36:07,140 --> 01:36:08,470
and tell her...
1301
01:36:08,517 --> 01:36:10,597
What the fuck am I gonna tell her?
1302
01:36:10,644 --> 01:36:13,904
Well, you better figure it out.
1303
01:36:15,357 --> 01:36:16,647
I can't even tell you...
1304
01:36:16,691 --> 01:36:17,781
I deserved that. That, too.
1305
01:36:18,527 --> 01:36:20,277
No, no, no, maybe not the nethers.
1306
01:36:20,320 --> 01:36:22,110
Start talking!
1307
01:36:24,157 --> 01:36:25,737
I'm sorry.
1308
01:36:25,992 --> 01:36:27,452
I'm so sorry.
1309
01:36:28,286 --> 01:36:30,826
For everything,
I'm sorry for leaving...
1310
01:36:32,332 --> 01:36:34,422
I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner.
1311
01:36:34,459 --> 01:36:36,539
It's been rough couple of years.
1312
01:36:36,586 --> 01:36:37,246
Rough?
1313
01:36:45,053 --> 01:36:46,893
I live in a crackhouse.
1314
01:36:48,139 --> 01:36:49,469
With a family of 12.
1315
01:36:51,226 --> 01:36:52,766
Every night we spoon for warmth.
1316
01:36:52,811 --> 01:36:55,861
Everybody fights for Noelle.
She's the fattest.
1317
01:36:55,897 --> 01:37:01,737
There's nothing that we don't share.
Floor space, dental floss, even condoms.
1318
01:37:09,870 --> 01:37:12,040
So, you live in a house.
1319
01:37:20,881 --> 01:37:23,841
I should have come and found you sooner.
1320
01:37:25,302 --> 01:37:29,262
But, baby, the guy under this mask,
he ain't the same one that you remember.
1321
01:37:33,643 --> 01:37:34,853
You mean this mask?
1322
01:37:54,998 --> 01:37:56,578
And this one.
1323
01:37:58,043 --> 01:37:59,843
In case the other fell off.
1324
01:38:02,797 --> 01:38:05,087
All right. Yeah, just...
1325
01:38:05,133 --> 01:38:06,843
Like a Band-Aid, just give it a...
1326
01:38:06,885 --> 01:38:09,105
Owdie 5,000.
1327
01:38:09,137 --> 01:38:10,097
Wait, wait, wait...
1328
01:38:12,057 --> 01:38:13,307
Are you sure?
1329
01:38:15,185 --> 01:38:16,195
I'm sure.
1330
01:38:26,696 --> 01:38:27,566
Wow.
1331
01:38:28,949 --> 01:38:30,069
Yeah.
1332
01:38:36,998 --> 01:38:38,328
Hey...
1333
01:38:40,585 --> 01:38:42,335
After a brief adjustment period...
1334
01:38:42,879 --> 01:38:44,799
and a bunch of drinks...
1335
01:38:46,216 --> 01:38:48,176
it's a face...
1336
01:38:52,639 --> 01:38:54,269
I'd be happy to sit on.
1337
01:39:01,731 --> 01:39:05,441
I'm not the same
underneath this suit, either.
1338
01:39:05,485 --> 01:39:06,275
No.
1339
01:39:06,820 --> 01:39:08,780
Super-penis.
1340
01:39:08,822 --> 01:39:10,702
Come on, Wade. Language.
1341
01:39:10,949 --> 01:39:12,329
Young one is present.
1342
01:39:13,410 --> 01:39:15,290
What are you still doing?
1343
01:39:15,328 --> 01:39:18,038
Get out of here.
Go make yourself useful!
1344
01:39:18,081 --> 01:39:20,881
You, go be a really big brother
to someone.
1345
01:39:20,917 --> 01:39:22,667
Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn.
1346
01:39:22,711 --> 01:39:24,671
And you, chicken noodle...
1347
01:39:24,713 --> 01:39:26,513
nothing compares to you.
1348
01:39:26,548 --> 01:39:28,628
SinГ©ad O'Connor, 1990. Sorry.
1349
01:39:28,675 --> 01:39:31,385
That's all right. You're cool.
1350
01:39:33,305 --> 01:39:35,015
What in the ass?
1351
01:39:35,056 --> 01:39:38,096
That was not mean!
I'm proud of you!
1352
01:39:38,518 --> 01:39:41,688
We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade.
1353
01:39:41,730 --> 01:39:44,860
For a second there, it felt like
we were three mini-lion robots...
1354
01:39:44,900 --> 01:39:47,110
coming together to form one super robot.
1355
01:39:47,986 --> 01:39:49,196
There's a stupid.
1356
01:39:49,237 --> 01:39:50,277
Yeah.
1357
01:39:53,742 --> 01:39:58,122
And now, for the moment
I've all been waiting for.
1358
01:40:01,875 --> 01:40:03,005
Come here.
1359
01:40:12,886 --> 01:40:15,846
Wham! As promised.
1360
01:40:28,902 --> 01:40:30,072
See?
1361
01:40:30,111 --> 01:40:33,701
You don't need to be a superhero
to get the girl.
1362
01:40:33,740 --> 01:40:36,620
The right girl will bring out the hero in you.
1363
01:40:37,118 --> 01:40:40,618
Now, let's finish this epic wide shot.
Pull out.
1364
01:40:40,664 --> 01:40:42,254
There we go, that looks nice.
1365
01:40:42,290 --> 01:40:44,670
That's gonna be about the only thing
that's pulling out tonight.
1366
01:40:44,709 --> 01:40:48,089
Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh?
1367
01:40:48,129 --> 01:40:51,969
Till next time, this is your friendly
neighborhood pool guy singing...
1368
01:40:52,008 --> 01:40:57,888
I'm never gonna dance again
the way I danced with you
1369
01:47:07,843 --> 01:47:09,393
You're still here?
1370
01:47:12,013 --> 01:47:15,063
It's over. Go home.
1371
01:47:16,726 --> 01:47:21,056
You're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2.
Well, we don't have that kind of money.
1372
01:47:22,107 --> 01:47:25,147
What are you expecting?
Sam Jackson to show up?
1373
01:47:25,193 --> 01:47:27,863
With an eye patch
and a saucy little leather number?
1374
01:47:27,904 --> 01:47:29,534
Go. Go.
1375
01:47:35,787 --> 01:47:38,327
But I can tell you one thing,
and it's a bit of a secret.
1376
01:47:38,373 --> 01:47:41,583
For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable.
1377
01:47:41,626 --> 01:47:44,046
Amazing character.
Bionic arm, time travel.
1378
01:47:44,087 --> 01:47:46,377
We have no idea who we're gonna
cast yet, but it could be anybody.
1379
01:47:46,423 --> 01:47:49,723
Just need a big guy with a flat top.
Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren...
1380
01:47:49,759 --> 01:47:52,259
Keira Knightley. She's got range.
Who knows.
1381
01:47:52,304 --> 01:47:53,724
Anyway, big secret.
1382
01:47:53,763 --> 01:47:58,273
And don't leave your garbage all lying around.
It's a total dick move.
1383
01:47:59,227 --> 01:48:00,267
Go.
99713