All language subtitles for Sister Boniface Mysteries s01e02 Lights, Camera, Murder.eng

[bright tonal music]

- [footsteps clomping]
- [gentle suspenseful music]

- [latch clicking]
- [swanky jazz music]

Afternoon, Sister.

Sorry to intrude.

Agents Hooper and Lang, here.

MI5.

Rather important we come inside.

Chop, chop, there's a good girl.

Please, what is this about?

We know the significance
of this convent.

What it contains.

I'm afraid your
location's been discovered

by enemies of the realm.

They're a rather uncivilised
lot so time is of the essence.

They might be in
the town already.

Now think, Sister,

have you been approached
by anyone other than us?

No, we've had no other visitors.

[woman shrieks]

- [suspenseful jazz music]
- [footsteps clomping]

[tense music]

You will not
succeed, Englishman.

- [gun clicking]
- [tense jazz music]

The meteor belongs
to the Kremlin.

[tense music]

Hmm.

- [gunshot blasting]
- [women squealing]

Cut!

Somebody just hit that wall.

Can't of.

She just fired a blank.

No one said there
would be pyrotechnics.

Oh. [groaning]

Makeup?

There's a slight
odour of sulphur.

By the dimensions,

I'd say that's a very
real .38 calibre bullet.

[tense music]

[actress gasps]

[gun clatters]

[tense music continues]

[playfully suspenseful music]

? Ah, ah, ah, ah ?

[gentle dramatic music]

? Ah, ah, ah ?

[gentle dramatic music]

[gentle dramatic
music continues]

? Ah, ah, ah, ah ?

[shutter clicking]

Let me guess.

Sam dispatched you in favour
of more pressing business,

which I suspect looks
suspiciously like a catnap.

He said he does his best
work with his eyes closed.

[Sister Boniface giggles]

Well, fortunately my
eyes were wide open,

observing the filming,

which has been tremendous fun,
too, hasn't it, Sister Peter?

Oh, it certainly has.

Only now, it does seem

that the drama is unfolding
off camera as much as on.

I've removed the
bullet, of course.

No sign of the prop gun as yet,

but the real one was aimed
at our fictional hero,

Rodney Hooper.

Hugo Steele.

Pleased to meet you.

Oh, I say, what nice threads.

Thank you.

D.S. Livingstone.

May I ask who's in charge here?

That will be me, Dick
Lansky, producer.

And I'm the director,
Ray Crawford.

To be honest, I'm
glad you're here.

We thought that nun was
moonlighting as a copper. [chuckles]

Oh!

No, I'm merely a police
scientific adviser.

[Actress] I didn't know
it was real, I swear.

You're the one who fired it?

Yes.

Sergeant.

Sir.

Debra Diamond.

I'm playing Katya, one
of the Russian assassins.

Excuse me.

What exactly is this programme?

"Operation QT."

- You've never seen it?
- No.

Oh, it's quite,
quite marvellous.

It's about MI5 secret agents

Rodney Hooper and Linda Lang,

valiantly fighting
international espionage

- and paranormal crime.
- [actor chuckles]

Didn't think a nun would go
in for that sort of thing.

Why ever not?

I've not missed
a single episode.

May I ask who you're playing?

I am Vlad, the Russian villain.

[Sister Peter giggles]

Head's up.

Reverend Mother wants
a word, sharpish.

Can you see if you can
locate the prop gun?

Right.

Okay, I take it no one saw
the real gun being planted?

- [all murmur]
- No.

Have there been any other
incidents, anything suspicious?

Two days ago, we were filming-

Sorry, your name, Ms.?

Pamela Wishbone.

We were filming at QT HQ,

the studio stuff in London.

A redhead nearly fell on Dick.

What?

A big light from the ceiling.

And you suspect that this
might've been deliberate?

Of course it wasn't, it
was a faulty hook light.

Complete accident.

- Sarge?
- [ominous music]

[shutter clicking]

[ominous music continues]

Or perhaps not.

[ominous music]

What's this I hear about
a shot being fired?

I think that's just what they
call it, Reverend Mother,

when they film, you
know, a film shoot.

I'm aware of the
term, Sister Reginald.

Just because I have no
interest in the television,

doesn't mean I'm a
complete ignoramus.

[bell tolling]

You're awful quiet,
Sister Peter.

Is there something untoward
I should be informed of?

No, Reverend Mother.

You better keep it that way.

You both assured me
there'd be no disruption

to our daily order.

If I get so much as a
whiff of infraction,

I'll march down there and I'll-

No!

Need.

There's no need to trouble
yourself, Reverend Mother.

You have far more
important things to do.

We'll handle it.

- [serene choral music]
- [footsteps clomping]

A falling light on
set is one thing,

but a planted, loaded gun?

That's attempted murder.

- Agreed.
- Mm.

But who was the real
bullet meant for?

Let's consider.

The lead actor, Hugo Steele.

One might assume that
he was the target

given that he was shot at,

but fact, it was carefully
choreographed in the rehearsal,

Hugo was to dive out of
harm's way before the gunshot.

As you can see, the bullet
passed through the chair

positioned directly behind him,

a chair clearly marked
as the director's.

So someone wanted
Ray Crawford dead.

A fair assumption.

However, complication.

The producer, Dick Lansky.

I've noticed he habitually
sits in the director's chair,

a clear power game
between the men.

It was, in fact, Mr. Lansky

who vacated it at the last
moment to get a better view.

And it was Mr. Lansky
who nearly got hit

by the falling light.

Sorry, but what do you
mean by a better view?

There's nothing blocking
the view from the chair.

Bravo, Peggy.

I'm so glad that you asked that.

So, quick show business tidbit,

I am told that the
optimal vantage point

is as close to the camera
as possible, and yet,

note the unusual distance
between the chair and the camera.

Someone moved it to be
in line with the bullet.

Someone who had to have
been at the rehearsal.

Apart from you and Sister
Peter, it was a closed set.

Who could have switched
the guns or moved the chair

without being seen
by cast or crew?

Well, perhaps it was
one of the cast or crew.

Well, maybe this will
settle it, Sarge.

I took everyone's fingerprints

and wrote down their names
in full, just like you said.

I even alphabetized them.

Good work, Peggy, thank you.

Sister.

- The moment of truth.
- Yeah.

Now, the prop gun in the
bin had no prints on it,

it was wiped clean,

but I managed to lift two
distinctive thumb prints

from the .38, one
large, one small.

The smaller, I
presume, was Debra's.

[gentle contemplative music]

Correct.

As for the other one.

[gentle contemplative
music continues]

I didn't plant it
onset, I swear.

I didn't even know
it was missing.

Someone must have stolen it.

I see.

And why should we believe you,

- Mr. Brumfield?
- Because...

Look, I'm a TV writer.

I know all about plotting crime.

If I'd switched the guns,

why would I leave my
own prints all over it?

I must admit, as an avid
reader of whodunnits,

I'd certainly have wiped
the gun clean myself.

[Felix sighs]

We have reason to believe that
Mr. Lansky was the target.

There was also an incident
with a falling light.

That nearly hit me, too.

Not that anyone cares.

Interesting.

So you suspect someone
wanted to kill you as well?

No.

[pencil scratching]

I don't think so.

Why? Has someone said something?

No, Mr. Brumfield.

Can you think of anyone who
might want to kill Mr. Lansky?

Course I can.

He's a producer.

I just wanted to thank you
for casting me, Mr. Lansky.

[Dick] No need to
thank me, sweetheart.

Pleasure to have you on "QT".

Sorry to interrupt.

May we have a moment, please?

[sighing] We'll talk
later, darling, yeah?

She's keen.

Good little actress.

We believe the bullet that
was fired today at set,

it may have been meant for you.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.

[Dick chuckles]

Well, can't say I'm surprised.

This doesn't concern you?

Well, like I always say, if
you can't stand the heat,

stay out of show business.

Oh! [giggles]

Could you think
of anyone specific

that might've had a
grudge against you?

A few actors I've booted off
the show didn't go quietly,

but actors never do
anything quietly.

Could you list them for me?

[Dick sighs]

Come on, then. [clears throat]

Um, yeah.

Jumped up little twerp.

Ancient history, if you ask me.

Now, if you'll, excuse me,
I have a show to shoot,

and we are behind schedule.

Is it just me, or are you
starting to like him? [giggles]

I need to find out
more about these three.

Oh, you know who you should ask?

Jasper Berridge.

He played Professor Pringle
in series one and two.

- [upbeat jazzy music]
- [liquid bubbling]

He always gave mind-bogglingly

complex scientific explanations
to Hooper and Lang.

Terrible old soak, Jasper.

Couldn't remember his own
name without a prompt.

You know, he once threw
a Babycham in Dick's face

at the Dorchester.

[both laugh]

What about Derek Colt?

Don't tell me, I know this one.

Only appeared in one episode.

The very first, in fact.

[suspenseful jazz music]

- [motorcycle rumbling]
- [suspenseful jazz music]

He played Agent Harry Stone,

Hooper's former partner in MI5

before his tragic death
in a motorbike crash.

Oh, she's...

She's very good.

Poor Derek.

He was lucky to
survive that stunt.

[Sister Peter gasps]

You mean the fireball was real?

Dick never wastes a good take.

[suspenseful jazz music]

Marigold Fritz?

Four episodes, series three.

She played Pippa Davinshire,

one-time love interest
for Agent Hooper.

Exposed as a double
agent by Agent Lang.

At first it seemed Agent
Lang was just jealous,

but she was proven right when-

Get her off me!

[actress shrieks]

- [actress grunts]
- [suspenseful jazz music]

Abominable cow.

I had my neck in a
brace for a week.

And after Dick fired her,
she pestered him for months.

I say, you know
what you should do?

Have a line in the ep.

There's plenty of fake nuns
so why not a real one, eh?

Okay, moving on
to the next scene!

Assassin nuns, very good,
you're done for now.

Okay, we'll do Pamela's close-up

and then everybody
down to the cellar

for Hooper's
electrocution scene.

[tense music]

Yeah, it was good.

- [tense music continues]
- [birds singing]

We made some calls to Equity.

It seems Jasper Berridge
died last Christmas

during a pantomime.

Derek Colt became a
children's entertainer

called Busby the Clown.

And Marigold Fritz is
currently playing Cleopatra,

upstairs at the Seven
Horses in Blackpool.

So, quite patently, none
are in Great Slaughter,

where, in any case,
they'd be recognised.

Deduction, whether connected
to the past or not,

the culprit is presently
known to everyone.

Well, whoever they are, I
pray they don't strike again.

[playfully ominous music]

Father, is that you?

Father!

No.

Father, is that?

Father!

[ominous music]

Hello?

[ominous music continues]

[door creaking]

- [ominous music continues]
- Hello?

[ominous music continues]

- [Sister Peter screams]
- [suspenseful music]

[shutter clicking]

Perhaps you'll let
me know next time,

before things escalate?

But sir, I did, it
was all in the report.

The one that was on your desk,

with the big note that
read, "Please read."

Well, if you're gonna
hide things on my desk

- of all places.
- [shutter clicking]

[Sister Boniface] Note
the rag in his mouth

to muffle his cries.

Electric bands on the temples,

the current dialled all
the way up to maximum.

He most likely died
of a heart attack.

Looks like someone
punched him here, too.

Clearly a winning personality.

Indeed.

And the presence of a dressing

suggests it was
sustained earlier.

Wherever it happened, it
would have bled copiously.

Any thoughts on time of death?

[shutter clicking]

We'll have to wait for the
pathologist, of course,

but from the stages
of rigour mortis,

I'd say it was early in the a.m.

Right.

- Hello.
- [tense music]

A hairpin.

It must've fallen
from the killer

as they lent over him.

So it could be a woman.

Sir, they're all out
there, asking questions.

I've got a fair few myself.

[gentle tense music]

[cast murmuring]

All right.

Hello, I'm...

Can everyone keep
it down, please?

I'm D.I. Gillespie.

I'm taking over
this investigation.

Love the show, by the way.

Nevermind that.

Is Dick really dead?

We heard he'd been
tortured, naked.

Yeah, well, no, he wasn't naked,

but he has been killed,
and that's all I can say.

Everyone must remain
on the premises.

What about the filming?

Just asking.

This is an active crime scene.

That'll have to wait.

Now, did anyone see Mr. Lansky

go down into the
cellar last night?

Was he alone?

Did anyone see or hear anything?

No, we were...

We were all at the pub.

Dick said we could finish early.

Oh, show him the note.

Oh, yeah.

We were setting up the shoot,
the last scene of the day,

and I found this
taped to the camera.

It had five pounds inside.

"Shoot the torture
scene in the morning.

Have a drink on me.

Dick."

Did this seem odd to anybody?

Well, I thought so, but
everyone just charged out.

So, except for Mr. Lansky,

was anybody else
missing from the pub?

We were all there, as far as
I know, until closing time.

So, the killer
left him handcuffed

and gagged in the cellar,

joined the others in the pub,

and then returned later
on to finish the job?

That's constructing
the perfect alibi.

It's rather brilliant, really.

Sam, can you confirm
something for me?

I hear the producer
was found dead

wearing nothing but
ladies undergarments.

Ladies under?

Where are you getting this from?

No, he was fully clothed.

And before you ask, we're not
ready to make a statement.

Fully clothed. Good.

I don't much care for smut.

A showbiz murder,
on the other hand,

now that is two scoops
with a cherry on top.

Ah, you're all heart, Ruth,

but who said anything
about murder?

Well, you did, as good as,
by not making a statement.

Sometimes I'd like to-

Kiss her.

- No, what?
- Oh.

No.

Don't you have some evidence
to examine or something?

Right, you are.

- [playful contemplative music]
- [Sam sighs]

He couldn't have had the
good grace to die elsewhere.

What on earth happened
for goodness sake?

I believe it was heart
failure, Reverend Mother.

Tragedy.

I'm sure you'll want
us all to pray for him.

Mmm.

I'm sure this
unfortunate incident

will put an end to their
filming, and good riddance.

[birds singing]

Cheer up.

At least you got a souvenir.

Is that the script?

May I?

Thank you.

A gunshot in the show becomes
real, now a torture scene.

If life is imitating
art, we need to know.

- [ominous music]
- [birds singing]

[door clattering]

[gentle ominous music]

Huh.

[gentle ominous music continues]

I think we solved the mystery

of who punched Mr. Lansky.

Aye, I thumped him,

because he was
fooling around with

- all the girls.
- What girls?

The actresses, the
crew, the extras,

even the ones who
were dressed as nuns.

It was disgusting.

Then I saw him going
off with Debra.

Now, she's a nice
girl, a bit naive,

so I followed them, right?

Next thing I know, she's coming
out his trailer in tears.

So, you punched him and
realised your mistake.

He could have ended your career.

What, so you think I
killed him, aye, very good.

Suppose it was me who
was trying to drop

lights on his bonce and all.

Listen, I wouldn't
risk anyone's life

and I wouldn't risk this show.

I've been on "QT" since the
beginning, most of us here have.

It's a labour of love.

- [birds chirping]
- [Ray sighs]

Listen, all I'm saying
is maybe you want to

have a look at the guest artists

instead of the regulars,
like him, for instance.

- [Bruno laughs]
- Nutter.

Keeps offering
autographs to the fans

as if he's one of the stars.

And there's the
assassin nuns and...

Debra, even.

Oh, aye, she's all sweet,

but who knows who
she really is, hmm?

[Sam] Go and see what the
water works were about.

Yes, sir.

And you.

Don't leave town until I say so.

Well, why would I?

I've got a show to finish.

Now listen, fella, I know
you've got a job to do,

but so do we.

Livelihoods depend on it,
so can we please, please

just get back to work?

All right, but on
your heads be it.

Not literally, I hope.

You heard the man!
Places, everyone, please!

Okay, I want to see
smiles, energy, pizazz.

Dazzle me, everyone.

So, you were seen leaving
Mr. Lansky's trailer in tears.

Can you tell me what happened?

Nothing happened.

I left before it could.

Ah, I see.

And was there a
reason you agreed

to be alone with
him, Miss Diamond?

I liked the movies
he used to make.

That's all.

What's wrong with that?

- Nothing.
- I suppose you think

it's my fault he tried it on.

No, I didn't mean to...

[footsteps clomping]

I'm sorry.

[tense dramatic music]

[Sam] Any clues on the hairpin?

More like half a clue.

Correction, more like
a tenth of a clue.

A tenth of what you
may well ask, well!

I wish I could say.

I wish you would spit it out.

Yes, well, that's a fair point.

I'll try.

So, I found a barely detectable
quantity of propylene glycol

along with traces of
copper and magnesium,

but I can't see for
certain what it is.

Perhaps some kind of
industrial chemical,

or it might be a component
in some kind of hair product,

such as hairspray.

That would certainly contain

polyvinyl pyrrolidone
and polyvinyl acetate,

but there's no trace of that,

so you see, it really
is barely a clue at all.

I think I preferred
the short answer.

Yes.

And from too little
evidence to far too much.

So, I dusted the
typewriter keys for prints

and as you can imagine,

there are hundreds.

We can assume that the
letter firing Mr. Crawford

was the genuine article,

and as for the fake note
sending everyone to the pub,

same typewriter, undoubtedly
typed by our killer,

but who was it?

[perfume whooshing]

[playfully tense music]

Ooh.

[playfully tense
music continues]

[sighs] Not exactly
"Citizen Kane".

True, but if Rosebud had been

a glowing meteor
from outer space,

he would have been
so much more fun.

Is there nothing at all
illuminating in the script?

Not really.

Some of the pages are
different colours.

I don't know why.

Late amendments.

I was given a line, you see.

So, blue pages added
to the existing script.

Changes before
that were in pink.

But that means
that torture scene,

- it was added later.
- [contemplative music]

Whose idea was that?

[contemplative music continues]

Mr. Milton,

I need to talk to you about
the torture scene in "QT".

Apparently it was
your suggestion.

Yeah, but it's been cut,
which is a real shame.

Vlad was gonna say,

"You people in the West,
you're like spoiled children.

I know what it's like to suffer,

I know what it's
like to sacrifice.

In the KGB"-

Okay, thank you, Mr. Milton.

I'm not sure if you're aware,

but Mr. Lansky was electrocuted
exactly the same way

as in that scene,

so forgive me if I'm
a touch suspicious.

Well, that's horrible.

I asked Mr. Lansky if I
could have a bigger scene.

I didn't think it would
end up killing him. [sobs]

Pull yourself together, man.

Button.

Excuse me.

Sir, Miss Penny called.

She asked to see
you at "The Bugle".

Right.

[playfully tense music]

- [bell tolling]
- [birds singing]

[Ray] Is this supposed
to be our meteor?

Yes.

Could we please have one prop

that isn't made out
of bleeding egg boxes?

Go!

Honestly.

Well, awfully sorry
to bother you,

but I had a line that was cut.

As an assassin nun?

No, a real one, in "QT".

Also, I'm a real one in life.

Could I please
have another line?

[Ray sighs]

Could she be in this one?

She could see Vlad
and the assassin

run past with the
bomb in the briefcase.

When Hooper and Lang burst
from the confessional,

she could say, "They
went that way!"

Do you think you
can remember that?

Yes, yes!

"They went that way!"

- [giggles] Thank you.
- All right, very good.

Okay, people, places, please.

Now, we're running behind,

so we're gonna cut the rehearsal
and just go for a take.

[Crew Member] Run sound!

Sound speed.

[Crew Member] Din over.

Mark it.

Scene 30, take one.

[clapperboard snaps]

Action.

[footsteps clomping]

-They- -What on earth's

going on here?

Cut!

Who are you?

[birds chirping]

Nuns with guns.

Nuns with flesh on display.

I'd never seen the like.

Well, it stops now.

I won't have those people
here a minute longer.

Not so easy, I'm afraid.

Permit's been signed,
money's changed hands.

Well, un-change it.

What on earth would
Canoness Basil say

if she knew about this?

She does, Reverend Mother.

Gave it her blessing, in fact.

- [gentle ominous music]
- Her blessing?

[gentle ominous music continues]

I see.

So.

Then there's only
one thing to do.

You can go now!

[footsteps clomping]

- [playfully tense music]
- [engine revving]

[women chattering]

- [Sam sighs]
- [telephone clattering]

That was fast.

You must be
desperate for a lead.

How about we skip the
jesting just this once?

Where's the fun in that?

Well, you obviously
have something,

not quite enough to go to print,

but enough to bargain with.

So, let's bargain.

A showbiz murder on my patch.

If I don't break it
first, it looks bad.

Well, we can't
have that, can we?

[gentle sanguine music]

Jean was talented
by all accounts,

but this was her last film.

She gave it all up to
have a baby in 1940.

That kid would be
about your age now,

and there's definitely
a resemblance.

Dick Lansky was your
father, wasn't he?

Did he know when he hired you?

No.

What really happened
in that trailer, Debra?

Did you tell him who you were?

I was going to, but
he got the wrong idea.

- He tried to kiss me and I ran.
- [telephone ringing]

That must've made you angry.

- Angry enough to kill him.
- Of course not!

He abandoned you
and your mother.

You had every
reason to hate him.

Well, I didn't.

I just wanted to know my dad,

but somebody killed him before
I got the chance. [sobs]

[gentle melancholy music]

Here.

- [Sam sighs]
- [ominous tonal music]

[Agent Hooper] Hands
in the air, Ohnsteg.

We wouldn't want
you closing that

and starting the
timer now, would we?

Step away, slowly.

That's it.

[playful tense piano music]

- [actors grunting]
- [playful music continues]

- [punches thumping]
- [actors grunting]

[playful piano music continues]

- [actors grunting]
- [playful music continues]

Nobody fights like that.

[actors grunting]

- [playfully tense music]
- [set piece clattering]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- [bird screeching]

Bruno!

Bruno.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I think so.

[Ray] Oh, we should
get him to hospital.

No, no, I'll be okay.

I've got a tough noggin.

What happened?

Charlie, did you forget
to use the sandbags?

No, I didn't.

- [tense music]
- [birds singing]

It would appear they
were moved deliberately.

[tense music continues]

[sighing] If it's my
job to make people cry,

then it's been a productive day.

What have I missed?

A falling set,

which injured Mr. Milton and
almost injured Mr. Steele.

Oh.

So, remember I rolled
fringe propylene glycol

- from the hairpin?
- Mm.

Well, I found more of it,

along with traces of
alkaline phosphatase.

- [liquid splattering]
- [contemplative music]

Of course, amylase.

That's an enzyme.

It's aloe vera.

And what is that used for?

Well, all sorts.

Skin lotion. Cosmetics.

It's a remedy for
treating burns.

Burns?

[contemplative music continues]

Derek Colt, he was on the
first episode of "QT".

He got burned during
a motorbike stunt.

How could he possibly be here?

[playfully tense music]

His appearance has changed.

[contemplative piano music]

The once-handsome actor

learned how to hide
his terrible scars.

[contemplative piano
music continues]

He's hiding now, in plain sight,

as Vlad the Villain.

Bruno Milton is Derek Colt.

[tense music]

Sir, it doesn't make sense.

A set's just fell on him.

Why would he deliberately
hurt himself?

To throw us off the scent.

I only questioned
him this morning.

[knocking on door]

Bruno?

[knocking on door]

Mr. Milton, it's the police.

Mr. Milton?

Stop.

I said stop!

[suspenseful music]

[Sam] Felix?

[tense music]

[both grunting]

- [Felix gasping]
- [suspenseful music]

[Bruno grunts]

- [suspenseful music]
- [both grunting]

[suspenseful music continues]

- [punch thumping]
- [Bruno grunts]

You all right there, Felix?

I'm fine.

That was a cheap shot.

- [both grunting]
- [tense music]

- [tense music continues]
- [rooster cawing]

[tense music continues]

Three operations it took

just to get my mug
looking half-way normal.

I could have been
the next Sean Connery

if it wasn't for Dick.

Why was it his fault?

I said the stunt
was too dangerous.

He gave me a drink
to steady my nerves.

"Go on, Derek, you'll
be fine," he said.

And then, [mimics explosion
blasting] up in smoke,

just like my career.

Took him to court
for loss of earnings

but he stitched me
up like a kipper.

Said it was my fault
because I'd been drinking.

Got that writer Bernard
to testify against me.

So, the light that fell?

It was meant for both of them?

Thought I'd try and kill
two turds with one stone.

Look, we get it, they
screwed you over,

but why kill them
after all these years?

Why not move on?

Move on?

To what?

Entertaining dribbling kids?

And every week I had to
listen to my mum saying

how much she loves
"Operation QT".

That's nice, innit?

It's still her favourite show.

A villain playing a villain.

Your greatest role yet.

Pity no one will remember it.

You'll be locked away

and the rest of the
world will be tuning in,

including your mum, to
watch "Operation QT".

If you say so.

[ominous music]

What does that mean?

[ominous music continues]

The gunshot.

The torture scene.

You're mirroring the script.

There's a bomb in the
briefcase at the end.

You'd really blow everyone up?

Of course I wouldn't.

Just Bernard.

- [ominous music]
- [both shuffling]

Bernard!

We need to rewrite, quick sharp.

[Bernard snores]

Oh, wake up, man.

Listen, Bruno's been arrested

and Vlad's in this final scene.

[Bernard snores]

Oh, what?

[Bernard snores]

[door clatters]

[gentle serene music]

Canoness Basil.

What brings you here?

Everyone, please make way.

No need for fanfare,
Sister Peter,

it's not a papal visit.

Where should we stand to
avoid being in the shot?

Is that how they say it?

Spot on, Canoness Basil,

and it's quite safe
to stand with us.

Oh yes, I'd like the
three of you close at hand

when Canoness Basil truly
appreciates what's in store.

Well, surprise, surprise!

Bernard's absolutely
pished, again,

so we're just gonna
have to wing it.

Uh, Debra, we can
just have Katya

leave the bomb on
the alter instead,

and then you spot the
meteor that Vlad left.

I can't resist touching it

so I'm possessed
with evil forces.

That's good, I like it.

Then, enter the assassin
nuns who all spasm and die

and then the big floating
crucifix flies off the alter

and kills Katya.

Yeah.

Right. [claps hands]

Everybody got that?

[playfully tense music]

I most certainly did.

[playfully tense
music continues]

Is he dead?

[Felix sighs]

Sleeping pills,
to keep him here.

Where's the bomb?

Wait, are they still filming?

- [suspenseful music]
- [floor clattering]

Did you imagine this
unedifying spectacle

would escape my notice?

We just thought it was harmless.

[tense music]

Everybody stay calm.

- I just need to check that.
- Sir, right here, right here.

That briefcase.

Good Lord.

What is it?

- It's a bomb.
- A bomb?

- [tense music]
- [cast murmuring]

Good idea.

Everybody, go outside.

Okay, Felix, we need to
clear the whole convent.

We don't know how far
the blast radius will be.

Okay. [gasping]

We've got a minute.

I'm gonna stay with the
bomb and try and disarm it.

Do you have the first idea how?

[Sam grunts]

Right.

Well, we had a lesson in
bomb disposal at Bletchley.

A lesson?

Well, half lesson, actually.

One of our listening stations

picked up an Knickebein
transmission and, right-oh.

Task at hand.

[tense music]

Sisters, I told you to go.

Now!

I don't think you realise
how serious this is.

And I don't think you realise

the power of prayer, Inspector.

Kept me alive in the blitz.

[tense music continues]

Now, if memory serves,

the wires are bundled
together in a module

and the wire to
cut is usually red.

Well, they're all red

and we don't have
any wire cutters.

15 Seconds.

Well, you just need to yank
the right one out, then.

- Right.
- So, it should be

the last wire at the
bottom of the bundle.

Or is it the top?

Hmm, now, it's not
a collapsing circuit

so I just need to
trace the correct wire-

For the love of God,
Sister, five seconds.

As I thought, the one
closest to the power supply.

And out.

You.

- Come.
- [bell dings]

- Ha.
- [Sam gasps]

[Sam exhales]

Right, I'll get rid
of this, shall I?

I would.

Yeah.

- [Sam exhales]
- Wait!

Won't they need the briefcase
for the final scene?

Final scene?

After we all nearly lost our
lives and the convent, too?

Canoness Basil will
not stand for it,

and neither will I.

This show is utter tripe

-and blasphemy-
- "Operation QT"

isn't blasphemous.

Sister Peter, I think we've
heard quite enough from you.

Hold on, Reverend Mother.

I'd like to hear how it is not.

Because it brings
millions of people

- so much joy, Canoness Basil.
- [uplifting music]

There's nothing
unholy about that.

Every week, the heroes in
the story fight evil and win,

and isn't that what happened
here today in God's house?

Surely that means He gives His
blessing to these good people

in the practise of their art.

Art.

And, after all-

Yes, all right, that'll do.

[swanky jazz music]

I must say,

I am rather curious to
see a flying crucifix.

[swanky jazz music continues]

Well, you heard the woman.

Nun.

Lady.

Canoness Basil.

[swanky jazz music continues]

Canoness Basil.

Come on, then, let's
get the cameras rolling!

Mr. Crawford.

Might Sister Peter have
that line after all?

With your permission, of
course, Reverend Mother.

[hopeful music]

[swanky upbeat jazz music]

[Katya] The meteor is glowing.

The evil forces-

Here we go, evil forces
unleashed by the meteor.

- Shh, this is my bit.
- Save me!

[Sister Peter] Please, Lord.

Save all souls from
these sadistic Soviets.

Get yourself to safety, Sisters.

There's a bomb in this convent.

- [nuns laughing]
- [Sister Boniface applauds]

Bravo, Sister Peter, bravo!

- [nuns cheering]
- [nuns chattering]

- [upbeat jazz music]
- [nuns chattering]

[upbeat jazz music]

[playfully mischievous music]

[serene choral music]

[upbeat music]

[serene choral music]

[upbeat music]

[serene choral music]

[upbeat music]

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