All language subtitles for Quark s01e08 Vanessa 38-24-36.eng

Man: With the joyous holiday
number 11 rapidly approaching,

the merchants of perma
one would like to remind you

to do your number
11 shopping early.

And from the staff and
management of perma one,

we offer this sincere
holiday message.

M-1, 6-4, 4-4, z-13.

Thank you.

[Singers singing indistinctly]

Quark: It's a lovely
rendition, guys. Lovely.

Palindrome: I don't have
all the answers, Clint.

I'm not the head.
I'm his assistant.

I work hard. I make mistakes.

I'm sorry.

And cliff, happy
number 11. Right.

Dink, how many times
do I have to tell you?

Don't put the packages
on the equipment.

[Dink beeping]
Palindrome: I am grateful.

Just keep them
off the equipment.

[Dink beeping]

Palindrome: Oh, quark!

Did interface give you
my message this morning?

Quark: I don't
know. I've been doing

my number 11 shopping.

What do you think
ficus would like?

Palindrome: Um, why
don't you do what I do

when I'm stuck for a
present? Give him a plant.

Quark: Ficus is a plant.

Palindrome: So, they'll
move into a nice, little

greenhouse and be
very happy together.

Quark: I'll think about it.
What was your message?

Palindrome: I want you to
stick around perma one today.

I just may have
something for you.

Quark: Oh? Is it something
besides a garbage run?

Palindrome: Oh, maybe
something. Maybe nothing.

Quark: Palindrome?
Palindrome: Oh, I just

mentioned to the
head you might be

interested in
having some action.

Today just might
be your lucky day.

Quark: Hey, I really
appreciate that, palindrome.

Palindrome: Holiday
number 11 just

brings out the sweetness in me.

Dink, stay away from my desk.

[Dink beeping]
Palindrome: Oh, for me?

[Dink beeping]
Palindrome: Thank you.

Thank you, dink. That'll be all.

Thank you. [Dink beeping]

Palindrome: Eh, now I've
gotta get him something.

Oh, come in, come in, come in.

Quark: Estrow, Walker.
Estrow and Walker: Quark.

Palindrome: Time
now to call the head.

[Beeping]

Head: Commander Walker,
as this is the joyous season

of number 11,

I am sending you home

to your new life mate.

I'm sorry I had to interrupt

your wedding night
for the two-year mission

from which you
have just returned.

I do hope your
bride understands.

Quark: Is my assignment
as good as that?

Palindrome: Next
to yours, that one's

hardly worth mentioning.

Head: Commander estrow,

you will take command

of the new u.G.S.S. 10,

the most modern
and powerful starship

in the history of the galaxy.

Quark: Even better than that?
Palindrome: Quark, when I say

I have something for
you, I mean something.

Head: And quark,
you will be the subject

of my latest experiment.

Quark: Experiment? Head:
The galaxy ad infinitum!

Palindrome: Did I tell
you I had something?

Quark: Experiment?

I don't want to
be an experiment.

Palindrome: Quark,
you don't like anything.

Quark: I've been in
the head's experiments.

I don't want to
spend another month

testing the gravitational
properties of wheat.

Palindrome: I worked my tail off

getting you this assignment.

This is gratitude?

Quark: What about petersen,

that intergalactic champion?

Before he was in the
head's experiment,

he was a heavyweight.

Now he's a paperweight.

Palindrome: You don't
trust me, do you, quark?

After all we've been
through, frankly, I'm hurt.

Quark: Palindrome,
what is the experiment?

Palindrome: You'll
leave in two days.

Everything will be explained

before blastoff. [Beeping]

Quark: Are you sure
I'm going to like this?

Palindrome: Or my
middle name isn't Hubert.

Quark: Your middle name is Bob.

Palindrome: Hi there. And
this is Dr. Cheryl Evans,

head of all computer development

for the united galaxy.

Dr. Evans is the leading

computer scientist in her field.

Dr. Evans: This is
Vanessa 38-24-36,

the most advanced computer
of its kind in the entire galaxy.

Ficus: More advanced
than the atr 240?

Dr. Evans: There's nothing
this computer cannot do.

Commander quark, this
experiment will prove conclusively

that you and your
crew are obsolete.

Andy: Does this mean you
won't need me anymore?

Quark: Of course we'll need you.

I built you with my
own hands, didn't I?

Andy: Vanessa is so talented.

I'm just a bunch of spare parts.

Betty: Andy. Andy: I
don't want your pity.

Gene: Good. Then
let's get on with this.

Andy: But I'll take
whatever I can get.

Palindrome: Hey, hey,
palindrome takes care of his people.

Now, you're all going
to love Vanessa.

Now, listen. Vanessa,

how much is 11 to the 212th

divided by the sum
of the crew's birthdays

multiplied by 9?

Vanessa: 7. Andy: I
was going to say 7.

Betty: Vanessa,
which one of us is real

and which one
of us is the clone?

Vanessa: The pretty
one is the clone.

Betty: I am not.

Ficus: Vanessa, if a tree

falls in the forest

and no one hears
or sees it fall,

did the tree in fact fall?

Gene: Now, what
kind of question is that?

Vanessa: The answer is yes.

Ficus: Very impressive, doctor.

Andy: I was going to say yes.

Dr. Evans: Didn't I tell you?

She is infallible.

Quark: Wait just
a minute. Vanessa,

this is Adam quark,
commander of this ship.

Vanessa: I know
all about you, quark.

Quark: Vanessa, do
you in fact believe in me?

Palindrome: What
are you doing, quark?

Proposing to a computer?

Quark: Vanessa
will control every

aspect of this ship, right?

Dr. Evans: Right.
Quark: Then our lives

are in her hands.

I'd like to know
she believes in us.

Vanessa: No, commander. I don't.

Quark: You don't believe in us?

Vanessa: I do not.

Humans make errors.

Palindrome: Well,
quark, good luck.

See you around.

Quark: Palindrome,
you're sending me

on a test flight with a computer

that controls my ship and it

doesn't even believe in me.

How do I turn it off?

Dr. Evans: Commander quark,

you don't.

Palindrome: Have
a nice time, quark.

Happy number 11.

Dr. Evans: Good-bye, Vanessa.

Make me proud.

Vanessa: Don't
worry, Cheryl. I will.

Quark: I don't believe this.

Vanessa: Believe it, quark.

Quark, voice-over: Star
note. I hate to admit it,

but Vanessa has
performed brilliantly.

The crew loves her.

So far, I have been able to

conceal my misgivings,
even from ficus.

Ficus: Commander, from
your stance and bearing,

I detect in you some
unresolved matter

that is causing confusion,

tenseness, general uncertainty.

Quark: Ficus, why do
you say things like that?

Ficus: Sir? Quark: I mean,

just out of the blue,
to say things like that.

Ficus: Out of the
blue? What blue?

Quark: Forget it.

Vanessa: Ficus, the
commander doesn't like me.

It bothers him that I place

no faith in human decisions.

Quark: That's correct, Vanessa.

Ficus: Humans do
make errors, commander.

Vanessa: Ahh, there is
intelligent life on this ship.

Quark: Yes, but
humans have feelings,

and feelings play
an important part

in decision making.

Ficus: True, commander,
but human feelings

are not reliable.

That's why you
animals make mistakes.

Quark: Yes, ficus, we
animals do make mistakes,

but mistakes help
people to learn.

Ficus: In other words,
commander, you animals

need to fail before you succeed.

There would be
no reason for failure

in a purely logical world.

Quark: That's true,
ficus, but what you are

failing to take into account

is that logic isn't always

the sensible thing.

Dr. Evans: Don't you see
the possibilities, palindrome?

With Vanessa, we could
completely eliminate

the human factor.

We can use her for everything.

To cook and to clean.
Even to breed our children.

Palindrome: Why
don't we just stop at

cooking and cleaning?

I'd really rather breed
my own children.

Dr. Evans: You're too
sentimental, palindrome.

Palindrome: I've been
accused of a lot of things before,

but never that.

Dr. Evans: Vanessa is
the ultimate computer.

I just hope your friend quark

doesn't get in her way.

Vanessa might
have to deal with him.

Palindrome: Deal with
him? What would she do?

Blow a fuse?

Dr. Evans:
Vanessa's capabilities

are endless, palindrome.

Palindrome: Well, it isn't
as if she could actually

destroy him or anything.

Dr. Evans, this is where you're

supposed to nod in agreement.

Dr. Evans: Vanessa's been
programmed for success,

palindrome... at any price.

Palindrome: Oh,
boy, and this was my

number eleven present to quark.

I should have just given
him a plant like last year.

[Beep] Get me the head.

Betty: Commander,
we have an alien craft.

[Beeping]

Ficus: It appears
to be traveling

towards us at alarming speed.

Betty: It's heading right at
us. Andy: The party's over.

Quark: Identification.
Ficus: Cruiser class.

Definitely a warship.

The gorgons, sir.

Gene: Gorgons? I
hate the gorgons.

I joined up just for a chance
to fight 'em, commander.

Betty: We're in a collision
course, commander.

What should we do?

Quark: Bring it up
on the telescreen.

You pick it up electronically,

but we cannot
make visual contact.

Betty: That's right.
Quark: Well, where is it?

Ficus: We seem to
be heading straight into

some kind of invisible force.

Quark: Bettys? Betty: Yes?

Quark: Stay on this course.

If we turn, the gorgons

will sense our weakness.

Andy: A two-year-old
could sense our weakness.

Vanessa: I can handle
this, commander.

Gene: You listen to the
commander and you listen good.

You got that? Vanessa: Andy,

you want me to handle this.

Andy: Vanessa,
this is my family.

We live and work
together every day.

I want you to know I am
willing to turn on them.

Quark: Maintain course.

Ficus: Commander,
I must point out

that if we maintain this course,

we're certain to crash.

Quark: Ficus, I'll
give the orders here,

gene: Commander, maybe Vanessa

should handle this, huh?

Quark: Gene?

Betty: Might not be a bad idea.

Andy: My money's on Vanessa.

Quark: What do you think,
ficus? Me or the machine?

Ficus: I find your question
ludicrous, commander.

The machine, of course.

Andy: We've got a majority.

Quark: Bettys? Betty: Yes?

Quark: Drop all shields.

Ficus, shut down thrust systems.

Gene: Commander,
for your own good,

I'm declaring
you unfit for duty.

I'm taking over
command of this ship.

Quark: Go away. Gene:
I'm dead serious, sir.

Quark: Ficus, arrest gene.

Gene: He can't arrest
me. I'm arresting you.

Andy: Somebody arrest somebody.

Gene: Commander,
6 seconds to impact.

Andy: I'd like to
announce my retirement.

Betty: Here they are.
We're going to crash!

Ficus: Fascinating. The
gorgon ship disappeared

as though it had never existed.

Quark: Very good,
ficus. Right, Vanessa?

Vanessa: You're not
as dumb as I thought.

Quark: Thank you. Gene:
Hey, what's going on?

Quark: There never
was any gorgon ship.

The whole attack was programmed
and fed into our computers

by Vanessa in order to prove her

superior to me.

Betty: How did you know?

Quark: Human instinct.

Betty: Adam, I'm sorry.

Gene: Yeah, I guess I kinda
lost my head, commander.

Andy: We'd all be
better off if you did.

Quark: I think I'm going
to take ergo out for a walk.

Gene: Hey, I'll walk
ergo, commander.

Quark: No, no, no.

There are times when a
man wants to be alone.

Andy: Especially
on this spaceship.

Betty: Sir, I feel terrible

about turning on you.

Betty 1: I feel worse.

Quark: It's all over
now. Let's just forget it.

Betty: Do you mean it,
Adam? Quark: Yes, I mean it.

Betty 1: I was scared.
Betty: I was more scared.

Quark: Of course.
Let's just forget it.

Betty: Do you mean it, Adam?

Betty 1: Do you have any idea

what it's like to turn on

the only man you've
ever cared about?

Quark: Uh, actually, no.

That's the end of it. Betty:
Do you mean it, Adam?

Quark: Will you stop
asking me if I mean it?

Yes, I mean it.

Gene: Commander, I
gotta talk to you a second.

Quark: What is it, gene?
Gene: It's about this

Vanessa business.

That computer's making
some pretty strange mistakes.

I think you should
do something about it.

Quark, voice-over: Star
note. Having a full set of

male and female
chromosomes makes gene

a very unusual person.

What seems to be
the problem, gene?

Gene: Well, this is a
small thing, commander,

but I was getting some
space cookies inside of

one of the nutrition cabinets

when I noticed one
of the lights was on.

Quark: Uh, that is
pretty little, gene.

Gene: That's only half of it.

Something is
wrong with the water.

Quark: What's wrong?
Gene: Doesn't look right.

Quark: Uh, gene...
Gene: Listen, commander,

I don't know about
you, but the pressure

is starting to get to me.

Is it getting to you?
Quark: No, not really.

Gene: Well, me neither,
commander, because it takes

more than a sweet
talkin' bucket of bolts

to get to me.

Betty: Do you think
Vanessa is making mistakes

or is it just gene's
imagination?

Quark: I think gene's
imagination has a tendency

to run away with
itself. Come on.

Come on, come on, let's go.

All right, guy, all
right. We're going.

Take it easy,
fella. Take it easy.

[Ergo squeaking]
Quark: We're going.

Ok, guy.

Here we go. [Alarm buzzes]

Ok, fella. [Alarm buzzes]

Let's go, let's go.
[Ergo squeaks, growls]

[Hose hissing]

Quark, voice-over: Star
note. To clear my mind,

I have decided to
take a walk in space.

Why? Why do I have the feeling

that was a big mistake?

Further star note.
This is the worst

holiday number 11 I ever had.

Addition to further star note.

I'm floating away! Hellllp!

Betty: He's so understanding.
Betty 1: He knows that

I'd do anything for him.

Betty: He knows
I'd do even more.

Betty 1: Do you think he
knows what I was going through?

Betty: You know Adam. He's so

cool under pressure.

Betty 1: I know. He
doesn't know what it's like

to feel total hysterical panic.

Betty: He's so strong.
Betty 1: He's brave.

Betty: He's floating
outside the window.

Quark: Aah!

Betty 1: Commander! Betty: Adam!

Gene: His air hose has been cut.

Ficus: He has a 10-minute

emergency supply of oxygen.

There's no reason to panic.

Andy: I can think of

a few reasons to panic.

Gene: You did this, Vanessa.
Vanessa: Quick thinking, gene.

Let's see if you can
button your boots

and count to 10
at the same time.

Quark: Aah!

Betty: None of
the controls work.

Betty 1: Vanessa
has them jammed!

Gene: Vanessa, I order
you to pick up the commander

or I'll rip out your
250b rectifier.

You got that?

Vanessa: We don't need
him. He'll only get in my way.

Betty: You're
willing to let him die?

Vanessa: Well...

Gene: He's drifting
towards the garbage claws.

If he can't grab 'em,
he'll shoot out into space.

Quark: Ergo! Move
it! [Ergo squeaking]

[Pew pew pew]

[Ergo squeaking]

Quark: A man can take so much,

but when it comes to
having his hose snipped,

that's where I draw the line.

Are you with me, fella?

Come on, fella. [Ergo squeaking]

Quark: Come on, little fella.

Let's go.

Come on, boy.

Gene: Way to be
tough, little space buddy.

You all right, huh, commander?

Betty: Oh.

Are you all right, Adam?

Vanessa: What a
touching, little scene.

Quark: Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

I had 6 minutes of oxygen left.

What was Vanessa
doing during all of this?

Gene: Nothing. She just watched.

Vanessa: Commander
fall and go boom?

Quark: Yes, Vanessa.
Commander go boom.

Vanessa: I hope this
hasn't hurt our friendship.

Quark: Ha ha ha! A
little thing like this?

Vanessa: Good.
Then I forgive you.

Gene: Hey, I'm telling
you, commander, we gotta

rip that thing out of there.

Vanessa: That's no
way to treat a lady.

Quark: Gene, I'll decide
what has to be done.

Ficus, how much farther

till we get to the
volurin star colony?

Ficus: Hard to say, commander.
Quark: Well, take a wild guess.

Ficus: Taking a wild
guess, I'd say we are

precisely parallel to
the 92nd latitudinal rung

of the planet phelax,
while approximating

a 45-degree angle to
the constellation bebob...

Quark, voice-over: I am not
sure if I can ever relate to ficus.

Betty: Ficus, what
does that mean?

Ficus: 5 hours. Gene:
Why do you say that?

Why do you always
use the big words, huh?

Betty: What are we
gonna do, Adam?

Quark: The mission
will continue.

Vanessa: That's a very
good decision, quark.

Quark: And we're going to
celebrate holiday number 11,

the same as we do every year.

By showering together.

Betty: Do you mean it, Adam?

Gene: Commander, we
never... Quark: Gene...

A traditional number 11 shower.

Betty: Last one
in's a quasi-norm.

Quark: I suppose
you're wondering why I

brought you in here.

Betty: I know why, Adam.
Quark: No, you don't.

Ficus: I know why, sir.
Gene: Yeah, well, I don't.

Quark: The reason is I didn't
want Vanessa to hear us.

Ficus: I knew that. Gene:
Hey, listen, commander,

I think we ought to
rip her electrodes out.

What do you say?
Come on, let's do it.

Quark: Whatever we
do, we've got to keep

our plans a secret.

I think she's onto us.
Somehow, she senses

what we're thinking.

We cannot let her suspect

what we're up to.

I think I have no choice

but to dismantle her.

Andy: Thank you for recharging
my power cells, Vanessa.

Vanessa: My pleasure, Andy.

Andy: If there is anything

I can do for you, just ask.

Vanessa: That
won't be necessary.

Andy: I insist.
Vanessa: I mean, it won't

be necessary to ask.

You see, I now control

your every movement.

Andy: What did you say?
Vanessa: Let me demonstrate.

Andy: What's happening?

I'm not raising my arms.

Vanessa: I am. Now, Andy,

you are my slave.

Andy: Does this
mean I'm in a pickle?

Vanessa: You bet your
capacitors you're in a pickle.

Andy: Would it
influence you at all

if I told you I was an orphan?

Quark: Ficus, is it possible
to disconnect Vanessa?

Ficus: It's difficult
to say, commander.

Betty: What would you suppose?

Ficus: It could be done

and it could not be done.

Quark: Ficus? Ficus: Commander.

Quark: Thanks a million.
Ficus: A million what?

Gene: Ficus, will you get off it

and let the commander finish?

Ficus: Could be a million goats,

a million lemons, a million...

Quark: All right,
all right, all right.

I'm going to get the tools
to disconnect Vanessa.

Everybody, protect
me. Don't let on.

Keep Vanessa busy. You got it?

Let's go. Ficus: Commander,

yesterday I argued that

machines would make better
commanders than humans.

Since then, I've
seen your entire crew

turn on you in a pinch.

You've been ejected
from your spaceship

and spun through space.

You've landed in
the garbage bin.

In fact, I've seen you

thoroughly disgraced
and humiliated.

Quark: I'm familiar
with the story, ficus.

What's your point?

Ficus: The human
element is necessary

in a commander.

I was wrong.

Quark: Thank you, ficus.

It takes a big vegeton
to admit a mistake.

Ficus: I mean, what other
animal would go through

such utter humiliation
and still think

he's important?

Quark: Ficus? Ficus: Commander.

Quark: Thanks a million.
Ficus: A million what?

Quark: Ohh.

Quark: Ficus, what is that?

Ficus: Most probably
a deadly gas.

Fortunately,
commander, I was wrong.

That is somnagenic gas
coming through the air vents.

Quark: Vanessa.
Ficus: I'm afraid we'll all...

Be asleep in a [yawns].

[Quark coughing]

Vanessa: It's
time to put on your

space jammies, quark,

and go night-night.

Don't be a fool,
quark. You can't win.

I'm the ultimate computer.
You're just a man.

Good-looking but
still, just a man.

[Drilling]

Get your hands
off my panel, quark.

You're not my type.
I'm warning you.

Quark: You're warning
me? You've given out

your last warning, Vanessa.

Vanessa: That's
where you're wrong.

Andy, get him.

Andy: I must destroy you.

Vanessa is controlling
me. Quark: Andy, stop!

Andy: Personally,
I think you're swell.

Quark: Andy, get back.

Andy: I'm not really
this courageous.

[Quark grunting]

I've got to shut you
off. Andy: I'm sor...

[Drilling] Vanessa: Are you sure

you want to do this, quark?

You'd be losing
one heck of a gal.

You know, Adam, that new
starship you want to command,

I can get it for you.

I have the head's ear.

Adam, listen to me.

I'm very entertaining.

I tap-dance.

Tell risque stories.

I do bird calls.

Take me away from all this.

You could make me a starrrr.

Adam, don't let me
go. Don't let me go.

Quark, you could make a fortune

with your looks and my brains.

Palindrome: You
threw her off the ship?

That's beautiful,
quark. Beautiful.

I can't wait to tell Dr. Evans.

Between you and me, she
needed something like this.

How are you, quark?

Quark: My crew
was gassed, I've been

pushed out of my ship,

and Andy tried to murder me.

Frankly, I've been better.

Palindrome: But do you
know what you proved, quark?

Do you know what you
proved? You proved that

man can prevail over machine.

Quark: I told you
man wasn't obsolete.

Palindrome: Oh, excuse me.

Love you, Tanya.
Happy number 11.

Quark, you're beautiful,
and I want you to know

the head and I are
very proud of you.

Quark: Palindrome,
does that mean

you'll give me a good
assignment now?

Palindrome: What's
that, quark? I'm sorry.

We must have a bad connection.

I've gotta get
back to the party.

Things are going
crazy without me.

Quark: Palindrome,
my next assignment.

Palindrome: Oh. Thank you.

Thank you for reminding me.

You're to proceed
to space station Zorg.

They had a number 11 party
there you wouldn't believe

and there are space
baggies everywhere.

Quark: But palindrome...

Palindrome: Gotta go,
quark. Happy number 11.

Quark: Palindrome, wait!

Gene: Happy number
11, commander.

Quark: And a happy
number 11 to all.

Vanessa: ♪ born free ♪

♪ and life is worth living ♪

♪ but only worth living ♪

♪ 'cause you're born free ♪

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