All language subtitles for MacGruber.S01E08.WEBRip.x264-ION10.gerard

Smells like betrayal in here.

Okay, let me backtrack
for a second here.

So we now think your father
is the Architect,

and we're basing that
on information

we got from one of your farts?

Looks like someone's
finally playing chess.

Think about it.
Whoever smelt it, dealt it.

From birth, that simple axiom
is drilled into our heads,

and for good reason.

It's never wrong.

See, when one farts,

they always blame it
on someone else,

but studies show that
in 100% of the cases,

that fart actually
came from inside of them,

the initial fart detector.

It's the most classic con
in the book,

but if you somehow figure out
who smelt it,

then you will, without fail...

Find the dealer.

Right.

No entry my ass.

Shit.
Are you sure about this?

Vicki, people lie.
Buttholes don't.

See, the Architect had to be
someone with access to Queeth,

ties to the military,
and a score to settle.

So when my father
farted Kernst's name at me,

it made sense.

I mean, Kernst ticked
all the right boxes,

but my father
overplayed his hand.

He smelled it too hard,

and that's how I knew
he dealt it.

Science.

Cowabunga.

Six, nine, six, nine,
six, nine.

Like father,
like son of father.

Good God.

This whole time, it was
right under my fucking schnozz.

I'm gonna hop
on your dad's computer

and see if I can find anything
on this flash drive.

Heavens to Henry.

He has counterfeit passports
and currency

for, like,
every country in the world.

Oh, my God.

Ecuador was just the beginning.

Haven't seen
these many pins

since I read that book
about ATM machines.

He's gonna hit, like,
everywhere.

Why? Why is he doing this?

I don't know, Vick,
but we have to stop him.

Guys,
I think I got something.

His computer's automatically
decrypting the files.

Any of this mean
anything to you?

There, there.

Havencroft?

We need to move.

Where the hell are we going?

MacGruber Country.

MacGruber

Black River Valley.

My father's down there.
I can feel it.

Gruber, are you sure
you want to do this?

You mean,
am I sure I want to confront

the man I've worshipped
my entire life

and battle him to the death?

Most likely, my death?

Am I sure I want the love
of my life to watch me die

and void my bowels
into my Wrangler denim jeans?

No, Vicki, I'm not sure,

but I don't really have
a choice now, do I?

But you do.

What? What do you mean?

I can't let you do this.
This is my fight.

Oh, MacGruber,
we're in this together.

No, I can't let
you two risk your lives

because of my fucked up dad.

This is a family affair.

MacGruber, I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but the three of us
are kind of like a family.

Checkers is right.

I never really thought
about it like that.

That's really nice.

Hell, my family's
been broken so long,

I almost forgot what it's like
to have a real family.

But because of you two,
I remember again.

So thanks.

You're welcome.

Here's another thing
I can't believe I'm saying.

Bring it in.

Are you pranking me?

Are you gonna pull
your arms back?

Checkers?

Fucking family.
There's nothing like it.

Now let's go kill my father.

Welcome to Havencroft.

Our fucking summer home.

Wait, so you were a rich kid?
Nice try.

I assure you this place
is very modest.

Okay, now, let's split up.

Vicki, you check out
the vineyard.

Checkers, you start
in the antiquities hall,

and I'll take
the servants' ballroom.

There's a boy
I'm crazy about

And I know
he's wild about me

At the love stuff
he's not a real chic man

'Cause I'm
the roaring lion

He's the poor weak lamb

Has he squeezed me? No

What the fuck?

Has he told me
tales of France

Has he ever
kissed me unawares

And whispered
"Honey, take a chance"

Well-*

Never called
for his mother

Then I guess
he will tonight

Got some kind of
fiber optic setup here.

I'm gonna see where it leads.

Copy that, Piper.
Follow your nose.

Wait.

Think I just saw something.

I'm gonna go check it out.
Set stunners to phase.

All right, be careful, Vicki.

And, guys, just remember,
we need to fly under the radar.

Now, let me know
if either of you guys

need any pointers
on how to do that.

Master MacGruber.

Your presence is requested
in the dining room.

This way.

After you, tough guy.

I'm afraid I'll be needing
your communication device

and your gun.

Hmm.
Well, how about this?

Why don't you roll
the fucking dice

and try taking it from me?

Ow.

As I said, I will go first.

Freeze! Federal agent!

Well, sort of.

Technically, I'm not one now,
but I was one.

So freeze!

I want you
to turn around very slowly.

Hello, Vicki.

Bex?
I thought you were dead.

No.

Just very badly burned.

Ooh, oh.

Um, I mean, I can hardly tell.

I mean, maybe I can see
a little bit of burnt-ness

on the top part of your face.

And maybe,
now that I'm looking,

it's a little burned down here,
but other than those two spots,

and maybe a couple others,

you can't really tell that
you're horribly disfigured.

Fuck you.
Don't even think about it.

You move one muscle,

and your head will suffer
the same fate

as that vase over there.

Ha!

So what'll it be?

Ahh!

Did I get you?
Be honest.

Uh-oh.

Son.

You made it.

Have a seat.

Please, eat.

No, I'm not hungry,
but maybe that's because

I've been fed a steady diet
of bullshit my entire life.

Aww.
When have I ever lied to you?

Forgive me.

The inclement weather
is wreaking havoc

on our local power grid.

I hope you're not still afraid
of the dark.

Ha!
Afraid of the fucking dark.

You wish.

So, Mr. The Architect.

You knew I was coming.

Of course.

You were instrumental
to my plan.

So I planted a tracking device
in your widdle teddy bear.

I don't have
a teddy bear, idiot.

But don't you?

How do you think Queeth
followed you

to your little hiding place?

I see you haven't lost
your taste for boogers.

You son of a bitch.

I've been watching you
this whole time.

Yeah, I've been watching you
your whole life, MacGruber.

Ever since you were a tiny,
ugly, stupid little baby.

Holy shit.

Guys, I think I found
the uplink

he's gonna use
to trigger the poison.

Hello, Dixon.

Baker Jaxx.

No, the Grim Reaper.

So let's cut to the chase.
What's your play here?

To create a new world,
of course.

From the ashes of the old.

The earth's resources certainly
can't support everyone

on the planet,
but they can support,

say, me and a bunch
of Russian business guys.

So there needs to be
a little thinning of the herd.

And in return, I get
a bunch of money and shit.

Can you believe it?

I'm gonna be some kind of
fucking oligarch.

You sick bastard.

Cheers.

Hey, remember earlier?

When I said that thing
about your face burns?

I lied. Totally noticeable.

Where's her gun?

How long have you been
planning all this?

Decades.

Every beautiful detail laid out
like the gears on a clock.

Tick-tock, tick-tock,
but it'll all be worth it

when we bring in the New Year
with a big fucking bang.

So you're gonna kill
millions of people--

Billions.

Billions, and you're okay
with that?

It's an important cause.

So important
that you're willing

to sacrifice your own son.

I was willing to sacrifice
your mother, wasn't I?

What?

Unfortunately, your mother
found out about my little plan,

and she just would not
shut up about it.

So she had to be dealt
with accordingly.

You killed Mom?

Oh, yeah,
and you watched me do it.

But you were so young
at the time

that somehow,
I was able to convince you

that you didn't see
what you saw.

I told you it was Queeth,
and your little brain

ate that shit up
like a fucking pot roast.

You were such a dumb little kid
and so annoying.

Heck, in a way,
you inspired this whole thing.

The minute you were born

just kind of put me
into a funk.

Well, you've got
a lot of think about.

And I do have
a button to press.

So I guess I'll be on my way.

Like hell you will! Ahh!

Where'd you go, you coward!

It's a lot like baseball,
if you think about it.

Strike one.

Strike two.

Ahh, motherfucker!

Base hit! Yeah!
The crowd goes wild.

Whoo!

What's that song?

It's whatever
you want it to be.

MacGruber

He's such a little lovey
and I'm proud to be his mommy

MacGruber, he is
the best son ever

And I love him to pieces

MacGruber,
I'll never ever leave him

MacGruber

Daddy?

Never cared much
for that song.

Welcome to the nerve center,
MacGruber.

Love what you've done
with the place.

Although, I think I might
change the wall color.

Maybe put some big splotches
of red

right behind
where your brain is.

Can you believe
this little panel here

can cause so much destruction?

Just one little press
of this button, and poof.

Billions dead.

You can save your breath,
Dad.

'Cause I will never ever join
your little evil plan.

No one's asking you to,
you fucking dode.

How dare you!

What do you say
we get this party started?

Countdown activated.

Just so you know,
I can throw my voice.

So if you think you have
my location locked down,

you're probably wrong,

'cause you probably think
I'm standing right here...

But maybe
I'm standing over here.

Or maybe over here.

I could be standing over here.

Okay, now I'm pissed.

Fucked up my leg
and my new cargos.

Call it even?

You wish.

You see, Lon was like
a brother to me.

You killed my fucking family.

After I kill you, I'm gonna
kill your fucking family.

Then we're even.

You just had
a little baby, right?

You don't have to do this.

Oh, but I do.

You know that means
I have to kill you.

Now, now.

You know what happens

when little boys are rude
to their daddies.

What's that?

They get a time-out.

Fuck you, Dad! Ah!

Watch your language.

Oh, Vicki.
I think I found you.

Uh, no you didn't.

No, I think I did.

Goodbye, Vicki.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Told you I could
throw my voice.

Now let me show you
how to throw yours.

Eww!

Eww.

Oh, you're on your feet.

Yeah.

I thought it'd be
a better way to kill you.

How you gonna do that?

Well, actually I had
a pretty complicated plan.

Lots of moves and countermoves,

and I thought
why not just keep it simple

and talk shit about that piece
of shit brother of yours?

Get you so bent out of shape
that you start making mistakes.

Use your own weapon
to cut your head off.

Yeah.
Like that would ever work.

I don't know,
you seem pretty dumb.

What?
But Lon seemed even dumber.

Fuck you!

Checksmate.

Sorry about your pants.

Two minutes remaining.

I'll rip your
fucking throat out

and shove it down your throat.

Can't do it, can you?
What a surprise.

But then again, you and I
never were much alike.

I was always a breast man.
You were way more into butts.

I'm gonna give you
a choice, son.

You can either die now,

or I can let you live
just long enough

to see the end of the world
as we know it.

Oh, you'd do that for me?
Ah, you're family.

You wish.

You have no idea
what a family is.

Aw, that hurts my feelings.
Aww, I'm sorry.

Now, hopefully,
this hurts yours.

No!

Oh, Vicki. Hi.

Did you get to see me
shoot MacGruber in the heart?

MacGruber! No, no, no.

MacGruber. MacGruber!
MacGruber, can you hear me?

Don't go towards the lights.
Stay in the dark.

Whatever you do.
Just stay in the dark!

Casey?

Do you feel it, MacGruber?

Oh, my God.

It's like I have
a thousand penises,

and they're all shooting
at the same time.

That's what it feels like
for women too.

Like we have
a thousand penises.

Now, come to me.
Come to the light.

But I can't leave Vicki.

That's not your choice
to make.

When it's time, it's time.

Mommy, I'm coming home.

You killed him.
You killed your own son!

Well, as a parent, you can't
be afraid to discipline.

60 seconds
to worldwide destruction.

You're a monster,

and I am gonna tear you
a new butthole!

Isn't it a little soon
to be getting intimate

with another guy?

Let alone his dad?

Kinky.

I wouldn't get intimate
with you

for all the Jelly Bellies
in the world.

Your loss.

Go ahead. Shoot me.

I would rather be dead
than live in a world

without MacGruber.

Ah, the lady means business.

Oh, yeah, you bet I do,
because you just killed

the greatest living man
to ever walk this earth.

If you're dumb enough
to believe that,

then you two really
were meant for each other.

You could say that

we were like two peas in a pod.

Bangers and mash.

Brooks & Dunn.
Jack and the Box.

Ten seconds.

We were so locked
into a rhythm.

Seven.

It was almost like we could

read each other's minds.

No!

Sequence terminated.

MacGruber, we did it.

We sure did.

Where did you get
a rocket launcher?

I got it from my brother.

You have a brother?

He does now.

For distinguished service
to the country and the world,

we salute Lieutenant Colonel
Dixon Piper,

MacGruber,

and Vicki St. Elmo
MacGruber Fasoose MacGruber.

Get in here.

So then I shot
a rocket-propelled RPG

straight through Vicki's legs
right into my dad's face,

and it was just dad chunks
for days.

I think I'm gonna go
put her down.

But hurry back.

I got a primo story about
rippin' a dude's nose off

and then stabbin' him
through the brain.

Hey, wait a second.

How the hell did you survive

a gunshot point blank
in the chest?

That, my friend,
was all Vicki.

Wow. What is that?

That's a locket
with Vicki's pubic hair in it.

Huh?
Yeah.

He literally dodged a bullet.

By the thinnest of hairs,

but there are
some fake ones in there too.

Thanks.

Hey, Pipe, I'm gonna go grab
another Molson.

You want one?
You know it, Grubes.

You got it.

My locket has his pubic hair.
Wanna see?

Peekaboo.

Oh, my God. Mom.

Hello, MacGruber.

Hey, know why Molson
is my favorite beer?

Why?

Because it has
the word "son" inside of it.

Oh, you.

Well, then you'll love Vicki,

because she also has
your son inside of her.

I mean, not right now.

Oh, MacGruber.

I've missed you so.

I've missed you so.

But someday,
we'll be together again.

Not for a while,
because you're about to go

on the most important mission
of your life.

What do you mean? What--

Mom. Mom? Mom!

Ah, I love it,
especially when

one little hair peeks out.

It's like he's tickling me.

Ah, here you go, brother.
Thanks, Grubes.

Hard lemonade, Vick?

Oh, no thanks.

I can't believe
what I'm hearing here.

This one's usually loves
lemonade with vodka in it.

What gives, Vick? Pussy.

What gives is,

I'm pregnant.

Oh, my God.
What?

Congratulations.
What?

I can't--oh, my!

A little Gruber.

And the fatherless
becomes the fatherer.

Hey, you guys, let's all go
celebrate and dance!

Yeah!
Whoo-hoo.

I got a good job
I work hard for my money

When it's quittin' time
I hit the door, honey

I fire up my pickup truck

And let the horses run

I go flyin'
down that highway

To that hide-a-way
stuck out in the woods

To do
the boot scootin' boogie

Yeah, heel, toe, do-si-do,

Come on baby
let's go boot scootin'

Oh, Cadillac, blackjack,
baby meet me out back

We're gonna boogie

Oh, get down,
turn around, go to town

Boot scootin boogie

I said, get down
turn around, go to town

Boot scootin' boogie