Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,210 --> 00:00:05,047
♪ upbeat theme playing ♪
2
00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:08,300
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba,
ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
3
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:12,137
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
4
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,560
- We all have a blind spot
for our parents.
5
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,354
We want to believe they're perfect,
6
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,939
- but the truth is--
- Oh wow,
7
00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:24,191
are you finally
admitting you have flaws?
8
00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:27,402
No, I'm talking about
other people's parents.
9
00:00:27,402 --> 00:00:30,405
I am perfect. Now, stop interrupting.
10
00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:34,743
- Great! Okay, I'll see you tonight.
11
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:39,081
- Ooh! Was that Drew?
12
00:00:39,081 --> 00:00:40,749
Yes.
13
00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:42,751
He invited me to game night
with his friends.
14
00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:45,462
- Mm! Look at you.
15
00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:46,922
- Okay, can you just do normal vowels?
16
00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:49,758
- This is a big step in the relationship.
17
00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:52,803
Meeting his friends,
pretending to like game nights.
18
00:00:52,803 --> 00:00:54,763
- No, this is not a big step.
19
00:00:55,389 --> 00:00:56,849
Ha!
- Knock, knock!
20
00:00:56,849 --> 00:00:59,309
Mom! Hey!
21
00:00:59,935 --> 00:01:02,604
- What are you doing here?
- What do you think?
22
00:01:02,604 --> 00:01:05,274
Honey, I wouldn't miss your birthday.
23
00:01:05,274 --> 00:01:06,859
- Ah.
24
00:01:06,859 --> 00:01:08,569
My birthday was a week ago.
25
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,904
- Well, it was supposed to be today.
26
00:01:10,904 --> 00:01:12,698
It's not my fault you came early.
27
00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:14,491
Actually, it's a little my fault.
28
00:01:14,491 --> 00:01:16,285
They say sex in the third trimester
29
00:01:16,285 --> 00:01:18,245
can really move things along.
30
00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:19,288
- On the plus side,
31
00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:21,999
I got to see Woody Harrelson's
penis from the inside.
32
00:01:23,292 --> 00:01:24,960
- He came early, too.
33
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,545
- Oh, Mom!
34
00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:29,131
- This is the worst episode
of Gilmore Girls ever.
35
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:32,342
- Come on! We're going to brunch.
You can meet my friends.
36
00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:35,095
But, you cannot hit on Val's
hot British boyfriend.
37
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:36,680
- I would never.
38
00:01:37,181 --> 00:01:39,850
- You remind me of a young Sting.
39
00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:42,811
And you smell like him, too.
40
00:01:42,811 --> 00:01:44,021
- Mom.
41
00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:46,565
- Uh, how do you know
what Sting smells like?
42
00:01:46,565 --> 00:01:48,483
- Oh, honey, I know
what all the greats smell like.
43
00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:51,153
I made the most of my modeling days,
44
00:01:51,153 --> 00:01:52,446
back when I modeled.
45
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,281
I used to be a model.
46
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:56,033
- Wait, were you a model?
47
00:01:57,701 --> 00:01:59,703
- So, this is a new Bloody recipe.
48
00:01:59,703 --> 00:02:01,163
Just let me know what you, uh...
49
00:02:03,749 --> 00:02:05,792
- Hello.
- Oh, Sid.
50
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:06,710
This is my mom.
51
00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:10,297
- Uh... I... just realized
52
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,341
I only put one olive in these.
53
00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:14,301
What is this? The Oliveless Garden?
54
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,722
- That was weird, right?
55
00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:20,933
Someone should go ask him if he's okay.
- Totally.
56
00:02:20,933 --> 00:02:23,352
Not it!
57
00:02:23,352 --> 00:02:25,395
- Uh, Mom, tonight I have game night,
but tomorrow,
58
00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:27,272
do you wanna do that thing
where we go to Times Square
59
00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:29,149
and we tell tourists wrong directions?
60
00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:32,069
- But I'm only here till tomorrow,
61
00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:34,112
and I want you to meet
my new boyfriend, Ash.
62
00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:36,406
- Oh. Hm.
63
00:02:36,406 --> 00:02:37,908
There's a new boyfriend?
64
00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:40,160
- Yeah, he and his band
have a show tonight in Brooklyn,
65
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,829
and then we're off to Austria
for his European tour.
66
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,206
So, you got to come meet him tonight.
67
00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:45,374
- Sophie can't go.
68
00:02:45,374 --> 00:02:47,417
Like she said, she's got plans.
69
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:49,545
- It's fine. I'll be there.
70
00:02:49,545 --> 00:02:51,630
- Great! You'll love him.
71
00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:54,716
Oh, I got to go. I have cryotherapy.
72
00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,468
Hey, you should all try it.
73
00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:58,512
Keep it cold, it won't get old.
74
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,347
I will see you tonight.
You're all invited.
75
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:04,810
- There we go, all better.
76
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:07,104
And look at that. Darn. Oh.
77
00:03:07,104 --> 00:03:09,064
- I missed Sophie's mother.
- Your loss.
78
00:03:09,064 --> 00:03:12,067
She's a delight. If you name a rock star,
she's probably smelled them.
79
00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:16,113
- She is the best. Which is...
80
00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:19,157
why it's such a bummer
she chooses the worst guys.
81
00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:22,494
And then they blow up her life,
and I have to pick up the pieces.
82
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,496
I guess I'm going to be convincing her
83
00:03:24,496 --> 00:03:27,583
to dump this musician before
she winds up stranded in Vienna,
84
00:03:27,583 --> 00:03:29,877
sobbing in her schnitzel.
85
00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,545
Anybody want to keep me company?
86
00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:34,965
- Of course. Babe?
- Hm?
87
00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:37,009
Well, I had set aside tonight
88
00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:39,303
to try and figure out what to do
with the rest of my life.
89
00:03:39,303 --> 00:03:40,888
It's gonna get pathetic,
spending my days
90
00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:43,098
swapping recipes with
the old yentas in our building.
91
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:45,100
Well, I'm in.
92
00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:48,770
Right after I watch The Good Fight
starring my queen, Christine Baranski.
93
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,064
I wouldn't miss it.
94
00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,942
- Oh. Great. Show's at the Happy Idiot.
95
00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:55,277
- I'm missing it.
96
00:03:55,277 --> 00:03:58,030
I-I-I-- The Happy Idiot
is where I proposed to Meredith.
97
00:03:58,030 --> 00:04:00,282
I can't ever go back.
I'd be way too traumatized.
98
00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:02,701
- Yep. I can't go either,
out of solidarity with Jesse.
99
00:04:02,701 --> 00:04:04,203
- No, that's fine--
- No, no!
100
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:07,456
Solidarity.
101
00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:11,627
- Okay, someone really needs
to go talk to him now.
102
00:04:11,627 --> 00:04:13,545
- Not it!
- Not it! Oh...
103
00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:15,797
♪
104
00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:18,342
- Jesse, I have wonderful news for you.
105
00:04:18,842 --> 00:04:21,261
I have finally figured out my calling.
106
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,765
I have decided to help
those suffering from trauma.
107
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:26,725
And you are going to be my first patient!
108
00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:28,268
- Okay, slow down.
109
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,145
How did you figure out
this was your calling?
110
00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:31,855
- A wonderful question, patient.
111
00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:33,649
You see, my rarefied upbringing
112
00:04:33,649 --> 00:04:36,610
has left me with virtually
no practical life skills,
113
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:39,404
but no one has had more therapy than I.
114
00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:40,822
- Oh, I didn't know you were in therapy.
115
00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:42,866
Was I ever!
116
00:04:43,742 --> 00:04:45,869
See, when I was a boy,
117
00:04:45,869 --> 00:04:47,996
my mother caught me
talking to one of her wigs.
118
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:49,957
She put me in therapy shortly after,
119
00:04:49,957 --> 00:04:51,375
and Dr. Wallace helped me realize the wigs
120
00:04:51,375 --> 00:04:53,502
were just a substitute
for my mother's affection.
121
00:04:53,502 --> 00:04:55,754
And I haven't had a conversation
with a wig in months.
122
00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:57,172
- Wait, months?
- And now,
123
00:04:57,172 --> 00:04:58,674
I'm going to pour
everything I've learned
124
00:04:58,674 --> 00:05:01,426
into healing others. Jesse,
125
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:02,928
you are a traumatized mess.
126
00:05:03,679 --> 00:05:06,473
You can't go to the Happy Idiot.
You call yourself a musician,
127
00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,934
but you haven't played
that keyboard since I met you.
128
00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:09,977
I mean, look at it!
129
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,020
Begging to be touched.
130
00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:16,149
Like one of my mother's long,
silky Saturday night wigs.
131
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:18,402
- Okay. Hey, listen. Uh...
132
00:05:18,402 --> 00:05:20,821
Why the hell not?
Alright, take your best shot.
133
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:21,864
- Great!
134
00:05:21,864 --> 00:05:23,907
We will start with exposure therapy.
135
00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:26,827
Jesse, when was the last time
you watched this viral video of yours?
136
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,288
- Oh, I've never seen it.
I'd be way too traumatized.
137
00:05:29,288 --> 00:05:30,789
- Well, that's where we'll start.
- All cued up.
138
00:05:31,373 --> 00:05:33,542
- Wait, you have it bookmarked?
- Yeah, of course.
139
00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:35,169
You're my best friend.
140
00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:37,588
♪
141
00:05:37,588 --> 00:05:39,173
- Alexa, play The Good Fight.
142
00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,968
Here's The Good Fight.
143
00:05:42,968 --> 00:05:44,094
- Thanks, boo.
144
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:48,223
Got my Baranski, got my BLT.
145
00:05:48,932 --> 00:05:51,602
Everything's coming up Ellen.
146
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,938
Aw!
147
00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:58,025
This rotten tomato is 0% fresh!
148
00:06:03,071 --> 00:06:06,116
♪ scheming music ♪
149
00:06:27,679 --> 00:06:29,348
- Save some for the rest of us.
150
00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:30,516
- Oh, I'm sorry.
151
00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:34,102
- No, I'm kidding. Go nuts.
My grandma would be happy.
152
00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:35,771
She hated wasted food.
153
00:06:35,771 --> 00:06:38,023
She also hated smartphones,
slow waiters,
154
00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:39,399
and Zooey Deschanel's whole vibe.
155
00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:42,110
I'm Rachel. I make jokes when I'm sad.
156
00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:45,322
- I'm Ellen. I whistle Head, Shoulders,
Knees, and Toes when I'm anxious.
157
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,075
- These are from my favorite brunch spot.
158
00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:51,453
They get all of their produce
from this biodynamic farm upstate.
159
00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:55,749
Sorry, I'm kind of a produce nerd.
You don't care about this.
160
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,251
- Yes, I do.
161
00:06:57,709 --> 00:06:58,877
I own a lettuce farm.
162
00:06:58,877 --> 00:07:00,170
- No way.
163
00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:05,467
So, how did you know my grandmother?
164
00:07:05,467 --> 00:07:06,802
Great question.
165
00:07:08,387 --> 00:07:09,596
We were...
166
00:07:13,684 --> 00:07:15,018
best friends.
167
00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:18,397
I'm sorry again.
168
00:07:18,397 --> 00:07:20,440
It's just the only night
my mom's in town.
169
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,567
- I totally get it.
170
00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:23,527
I mean, I'm gonna have to be
my own charades partner though,
171
00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:25,028
which is slightly awkward.
172
00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:27,030
I'm going to be all like, one word. Movie.
173
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,743
I know! I know!
174
00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:33,245
Jumanji! Woo!
175
00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:37,124
That's my friends.
I gotta go. I'll call you later.
176
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:39,710
- Yeah, of course.
Thanks again for understanding.
177
00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:42,713
♪ bar music ♪
178
00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:45,841
Okay, prepare yourself, alright?
179
00:07:45,841 --> 00:07:47,759
Knowing my mom's track record,
180
00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:50,053
Ash is probably some
Jeff Bridges-looking dude,
181
00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:53,140
guzzling Jim Beam and doing lines
off a filthy coffee table.
182
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:56,143
- Stop making me miss college!
183
00:07:58,854 --> 00:08:01,398
- Mom!
- Hey, girls!
184
00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:03,025
You made it.
185
00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:06,361
- And you must be Ash.
186
00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:09,823
- Oh . No, no, no.
- I'm Ash's tour manager Brad.
187
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,658
- Oh
- Oh, uh, this is Ash.
188
00:08:12,868 --> 00:08:14,161
- Hey.
189
00:08:17,331 --> 00:08:19,791
Sophie. I've heard so much about you.
190
00:08:21,043 --> 00:08:22,878
- Are you legally allowed
to be in this bar?
191
00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:27,382
- I can assure you,
I am a very mature 27.
192
00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:29,551
I've already had a colonoscopy.
193
00:08:30,052 --> 00:08:32,262
- Ash! Our sex life is our business.
194
00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:34,723
- Oh yeah?
- God, is she always this funny?
195
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:37,559
- Well, he's not Jeff Bridges.
196
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:39,686
Probably doesn't
know who Jeff Bridges is,
197
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:41,271
and to be honest, I don't either.
198
00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:44,900
Your mom is fine, Soph.
You can still make it to Drew's.
199
00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:47,986
- No, they always seem okay at first.
200
00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:49,738
Okay, trust me, this guy is bad news.
201
00:08:51,615 --> 00:08:53,617
You know what?
I know what's going on here.
202
00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:57,037
I bet he's a gold digger
who thinks my mom has money.
203
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,414
Wait till he finds out
204
00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:01,458
she got nada en el banco.
205
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:04,211
- We've talked about you
doing the Spanglish thing.
206
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:05,254
- Sorry.
207
00:09:06,171 --> 00:09:08,173
Okay, you go get a drink with my mom.
208
00:09:08,674 --> 00:09:10,634
I'm gonna grill my teenage stepdad.
209
00:09:10,634 --> 00:09:13,971
Teenage Stepdad would be
a great Nickelodeon show.
210
00:09:13,971 --> 00:09:16,723
- You're right. Let's add it
to the Google Doc.
211
00:09:17,266 --> 00:09:18,559
♪
212
00:09:21,979 --> 00:09:22,980
♪
213
00:09:22,980 --> 00:09:25,649
- There's some kinks to work out
with my grandma trust,
214
00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:27,359
but it looks like
I'm going to get this apartment.
215
00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,320
- Wow. Cool.
216
00:09:31,488 --> 00:09:34,408
I can Airdrop you photos and stuff.
217
00:09:37,411 --> 00:09:39,913
- These were Gamgam's favorite pair.
218
00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:42,624
Think I could pull them off?
- Yes.
219
00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:45,169
They accentuate your perfect neck.
220
00:09:47,963 --> 00:09:51,508
- So, tell me. How did you
become best friends
221
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,343
with an 85-year-old woman?
222
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:55,762
- Um, well...
223
00:09:56,972 --> 00:09:59,266
One day, I was, um,
224
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,727
making a ruckus in my kitchen, and...
225
00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:04,980
she came over to complain.
226
00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:06,773
I said I loved her brooch,
227
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,859
and the rest is herstory!
228
00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:16,283
- Hey, you want to get out of here?
229
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,868
I kind of have this thing
230
00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:20,370
where post-death rituals
really bum me out.
231
00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:22,331
- You're so weird.
232
00:10:23,749 --> 00:10:26,627
- I was raised in Fresno,
along with my twin sisters,
233
00:10:26,627 --> 00:10:28,212
AKA my everything,
234
00:10:28,212 --> 00:10:29,838
and I've always loved music.
235
00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:34,176
I'm no Jason Mraz,
AKA my other everything,
236
00:10:34,176 --> 00:10:36,178
but I get to do what I love.
237
00:10:36,178 --> 00:10:38,222
You know, and that is the ultimate gift.
238
00:10:38,222 --> 00:10:40,140
- Aw, that's sweet.
239
00:10:40,599 --> 00:10:42,684
Hm. You know what else is sweet?
240
00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:43,727
Sugar.
241
00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:46,855
And if you're a little
sugar baby looking for a treat,
242
00:10:46,855 --> 00:10:48,357
you're barking up the wrong mama.
243
00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:50,108
- What?
244
00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:52,194
- Are you with my mom for her money?
245
00:10:52,194 --> 00:10:54,863
- Because she doesn't have any!
- Sophie,
246
00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:56,865
I know your mom is broke.
247
00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:59,159
She's also beautiful
248
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,328
and alive and free.
249
00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:03,872
To be honest...
250
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,750
I'm kind of falling in love with her.
251
00:11:09,795 --> 00:11:13,507
- ♪ Marry me, Meredith ♪
252
00:11:13,507 --> 00:11:15,342
♪ Please ♪
253
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,555
Jesse, I'm sorry. I-I...
254
00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:31,608
He's so sad he pissed himself.
255
00:11:32,693 --> 00:11:34,528
- No, didn't-- That's not even a thing!
256
00:11:34,528 --> 00:11:37,239
I just spilled my Cosmo on my pants.
257
00:11:37,239 --> 00:11:40,284
He drinks Cosmos!
He's my aunt in the '90s!
258
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:44,329
- I have just one question.
259
00:11:44,329 --> 00:11:47,291
- Because they're sweet and tart,
and they make me happy!
260
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:49,168
- No. My question was
261
00:11:49,168 --> 00:11:52,129
how did watching it make you feel?
262
00:11:52,838 --> 00:11:55,382
- Oh. Uh...
263
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,426
Okay? I guess? I don't know.
264
00:11:57,426 --> 00:12:00,137
I-I've been building up so much
in my head, seeing it wasn't...
265
00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:02,347
that bad.
266
00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:05,184
- Brilliant. Then, we can
move on to the next step
267
00:12:05,184 --> 00:12:07,269
and return to the scene of the crime.
268
00:12:08,187 --> 00:12:10,480
- You know what?
Screw it. I'm ready. Let's go.
269
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,525
- Yes. Gentlemen,
to the Happy Idiot.
270
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,236
- I can't go!
271
00:12:17,988 --> 00:12:20,574
Sophie's mom
took my masturbation virginity.
272
00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:24,161
- So, Ash seems great.
273
00:12:24,161 --> 00:12:27,164
- Oh, yeah. Ash is the best.
274
00:12:27,164 --> 00:12:28,832
He'll only do it to Jason Mraz,
275
00:12:28,832 --> 00:12:31,668
but I put in earplugs, so it works.
276
00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:35,005
Oh! If you'll excuse me,
I gotta wish my man good luck
277
00:12:35,005 --> 00:12:36,256
before he goes on.
278
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:39,259
♪ bar music ♪
279
00:12:39,718 --> 00:12:41,220
- Hello, New York!
280
00:12:41,220 --> 00:12:43,055
Did somebody light a fire?
Because here comes Ash.
281
00:12:43,055 --> 00:12:45,724
- What are you up to, Lori?
282
00:12:45,724 --> 00:12:47,851
♪
283
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,235
Unbelievable!
284
00:12:57,069 --> 00:12:59,279
Oh, now I remember who Jeff Bridges is.
285
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:00,322
♪
286
00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:06,495
- It was the summer after seventh grade.
287
00:13:07,621 --> 00:13:10,624
I'd just come back from my favorite place
in the whole damn world.
288
00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:11,834
Spencer's Gifts.
289
00:13:12,626 --> 00:13:15,337
I'd gone there to buy
one of those sick-ass lava lamps.
290
00:13:15,337 --> 00:13:18,340
But then, I found something even better.
291
00:13:18,340 --> 00:13:20,551
♪ foreboding ♪
292
00:13:20,551 --> 00:13:24,304
That night,
I set everything up just so.
293
00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:26,849
- I don't want you to see this,
Slim Shady.
294
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,569
But just when I got down to business,
295
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,863
something horrible happened.
296
00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:42,990
Sid, I'm doing laundry.
297
00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:45,325
- Big deal. So, she caught you
pulling your Paddington.
298
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,411
- Oh, no, no, no. I'm not done.
299
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,372
Siddhartha? Are you awake?
300
00:13:50,372 --> 00:13:53,375
♪ dramatic ♪
301
00:13:59,131 --> 00:14:00,382
- Slim Shady?
302
00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:03,302
Please stand up.
303
00:14:05,304 --> 00:14:09,016
- I finished later that night,
after I buried him.
304
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,936
I finished after I buried him!
305
00:14:14,271 --> 00:14:15,898
I really thought I was over it,
306
00:14:15,898 --> 00:14:18,901
but seeing Lori just made it
all come flooding back.
307
00:14:20,736 --> 00:14:22,112
- Sid...
308
00:14:22,571 --> 00:14:24,072
Let me heal you, too.
309
00:14:29,161 --> 00:14:32,456
♪ indistinct singing ♪
310
00:14:32,456 --> 00:14:34,917
- Sophia, I need to tell you something.
- Me first.
311
00:14:34,917 --> 00:14:36,877
You were right about Ash.
312
00:14:36,877 --> 00:14:40,005
He's just a sweet guy who loves my mom.
313
00:14:40,005 --> 00:14:42,841
What if she's finally going
to be happy after all this time?
314
00:14:42,841 --> 00:14:44,718
- Mm...
- There you are!
315
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:47,429
Oh!
316
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:52,142
♪ singing continues ♪
317
00:14:53,977 --> 00:14:56,271
- Hiya! Charlie, a word.
318
00:14:59,149 --> 00:15:00,734
You're chummy with all the old neighbors.
319
00:15:00,734 --> 00:15:03,195
Tell me everything you know
about Esther from down the hall.
320
00:15:03,195 --> 00:15:05,989
- Esther Lebowitz? Oh, she's a delight.
She's teaching me how to make borscht.
321
00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:07,282
- No, she's not. She's dead.
322
00:15:07,282 --> 00:15:08,825
- She was so full of life.
323
00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:10,702
- Not anymore. She's full of dead.
324
00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:13,205
And, I told her granddaughter
Rachel over there
325
00:15:13,205 --> 00:15:14,957
that I was her best friend
326
00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:17,125
because I think Rachel
might be the love of my life.
327
00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:18,585
- How can that be Esther's granddaughter?
328
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:21,213
Esther didn't have any children.
Her birds were her children.
329
00:15:21,213 --> 00:15:22,589
Oh my god, are you in love with a bird?
330
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:23,590
- Not this time!
331
00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:27,636
Why would Rachel pretend
to be someone's granddaughter?
332
00:15:27,636 --> 00:15:30,347
She was talking about moving
into Esther's apartment,
333
00:15:30,347 --> 00:15:32,391
and she was grabbing jewelry
by the handful,
334
00:15:32,391 --> 00:15:35,853
and she wanted to leave the shiva
after, like, 10 minutes!
335
00:15:35,853 --> 00:15:37,354
What if she was doing...
336
00:15:38,397 --> 00:15:40,399
Elder fraud!
337
00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:47,281
- Wow! Maybe it's kind of cute
how smitten she is.
338
00:15:47,281 --> 00:15:48,448
What if they get married?
339
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,909
We should start buying penis-shaped
things for the bachelorette.
340
00:15:50,909 --> 00:15:52,828
- Ash and your mom aren't getting married.
341
00:15:52,828 --> 00:15:54,955
- What? Well, how do you know that?
342
00:15:56,206 --> 00:15:58,250
- Have you ever considered...
343
00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:01,628
that your mom might not pick bad guys,
but that she might...
344
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:04,131
be the bad guy? Soph,
345
00:16:04,131 --> 00:16:06,925
I've met a few of
her boyfriends over the years,
346
00:16:06,925 --> 00:16:09,094
and they've all seemed totally fine.
347
00:16:09,094 --> 00:16:11,972
She's the one who blows things up,
and each time,
348
00:16:11,972 --> 00:16:13,932
you drop everything to take care of her.
349
00:16:14,766 --> 00:16:18,604
- You're... way off.
It's definitely the guys.
350
00:16:19,563 --> 00:16:22,232
- Like I said, total blind spot.
351
00:16:22,232 --> 00:16:24,568
- I saw her kissing Ash's manager.
352
00:16:26,945 --> 00:16:28,071
- Oh.
353
00:16:30,282 --> 00:16:32,075
I just need a-a minute.
354
00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:39,458
- I can't believe I've been
beating myself up all day
355
00:16:39,458 --> 00:16:41,627
about pretending to know your grandma.
356
00:16:41,627 --> 00:16:43,295
- Wait, you didn't know my grandma?
357
00:16:43,295 --> 00:16:44,254
- Cut the crap!
358
00:16:45,255 --> 00:16:48,467
You're not a granddaughter.
You're an elder frauder!
359
00:16:48,467 --> 00:16:50,761
- Ooh, quick question. Um,
360
00:16:50,761 --> 00:16:52,888
did you say Etsy Lebowitz
361
00:16:52,888 --> 00:16:54,848
or Esther Horowitz?
362
00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:56,808
Because, um, funny story.
363
00:16:56,808 --> 00:16:59,478
Um, Lebowitz didn't have kids,
but Horowitz did.
364
00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:02,147
- Which Witz are you?
365
00:17:02,147 --> 00:17:04,566
- Horowitz, you lunatic.
366
00:17:06,568 --> 00:17:07,861
- Hm...
367
00:17:08,362 --> 00:17:10,614
Sorry for the mix-up.
368
00:17:10,614 --> 00:17:13,617
And sorry for your loss, God.
369
00:17:15,577 --> 00:17:18,038
- Look, I-I know it's gonna be hard for me
to come back from this,
370
00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:19,414
but I'd like to try.
371
00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:21,583
- Goodbye forever, Ellen.
372
00:17:23,669 --> 00:17:27,172
I guess I'll probably have to see you
around the apartment building.
373
00:17:27,965 --> 00:17:29,383
Please don't acknowledge me.
374
00:17:31,969 --> 00:17:33,512
- I'm not giving up on us!
375
00:17:33,512 --> 00:17:35,764
I know where you live!
376
00:17:38,183 --> 00:17:39,768
I didn't mean that as a threat!
377
00:17:43,647 --> 00:17:45,148
- I did say sorry.
378
00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:46,149
♪
379
00:17:50,237 --> 00:17:51,655
- Right now, when you see Lori,
380
00:17:51,655 --> 00:17:54,241
you revert to an ashamed little boy
381
00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:56,034
who killed his best friend.
382
00:17:56,034 --> 00:17:58,328
And then masturbated shortly afterwards.
383
00:17:58,328 --> 00:18:00,080
- That's right.
- But you're a man now.
384
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,708
So, I want you to march over
to Lori, buy her a drink,
385
00:18:02,708 --> 00:18:04,751
and prove to yourself
386
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:07,671
that you are not that little boy anymore.
387
00:18:07,671 --> 00:18:09,590
That's what Slim Shady would have wanted.
388
00:18:12,050 --> 00:18:13,635
- For Slim Shady.
389
00:18:15,053 --> 00:18:17,890
♪
390
00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,102
Hi, Lori.
391
00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:24,479
- Oh.
392
00:18:24,479 --> 00:18:27,232
- Can I buy you a drink?
- Sure.
393
00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:29,026
- Uh, can we get two whiskeys, please?
394
00:18:29,026 --> 00:18:31,195
One for me,
and one for the beautiful lady.
395
00:18:31,195 --> 00:18:32,487
- Oh.
396
00:18:35,407 --> 00:18:37,034
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
397
00:18:41,079 --> 00:18:44,082
You have yourself
a beautiful evening, Lori.
398
00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:47,669
Good night, Sid.
399
00:18:50,088 --> 00:18:52,090
Hm. Beer.
400
00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:54,218
- Okay. You did it.
401
00:18:54,218 --> 00:18:56,220
You healed me. You healed me!
402
00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:58,639
- I did! Oh my god, I did.
403
00:18:59,348 --> 00:19:02,351
Alright. One down, one to go. Jesse?
- Mm-hmm.
404
00:19:02,351 --> 00:19:03,936
- And you're going to love this.
405
00:19:03,936 --> 00:19:06,271
I've convinced the house managers
to let you take to the stage
406
00:19:06,271 --> 00:19:07,898
at the end of the night
and perform a song.
407
00:19:07,898 --> 00:19:09,316
- Wait, what?!
408
00:19:10,901 --> 00:19:13,237
- Mom? Can we talk?
409
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:16,823
Mom.
410
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:19,159
Are you cheating on Ash with his manager?
411
00:19:19,576 --> 00:19:20,994
What?
412
00:19:23,205 --> 00:19:24,748
Of course not.
413
00:19:25,541 --> 00:19:28,210
- Valentina saw you kissing him.
414
00:19:30,295 --> 00:19:32,297
Okay, fine.
415
00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:36,051
Ash is adorable.
416
00:19:36,051 --> 00:19:37,845
It's just...
417
00:19:38,387 --> 00:19:41,682
I have chronic wanderlust.
418
00:19:42,307 --> 00:19:43,350
I mean,
419
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:45,727
classic Sagittarius, am I right?
420
00:19:47,479 --> 00:19:50,023
Mom.
421
00:19:50,649 --> 00:19:52,776
All those times we had
to pick up our lives
422
00:19:52,776 --> 00:19:54,945
and start over,
423
00:19:54,945 --> 00:19:56,989
was it the guys or was it you?
424
00:19:58,448 --> 00:19:59,992
- It was me not settling.
425
00:20:01,159 --> 00:20:04,413
I won't be made to feel bad
for wanting fireworks.
426
00:20:04,413 --> 00:20:05,873
- Fireworks.
427
00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:10,878
We had to move 13 times.
428
00:20:11,753 --> 00:20:14,131
I never had any real friends.
429
00:20:14,131 --> 00:20:15,841
I didn't have a place to call home.
430
00:20:15,841 --> 00:20:18,010
I don't have any childhood photos
431
00:20:18,010 --> 00:20:20,679
because every time we moved,
432
00:20:20,679 --> 00:20:22,014
we packed lighter and lighter.
433
00:20:22,973 --> 00:20:25,767
But somehow,
434
00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:28,020
that bikini poster
always made the cut.
435
00:20:28,562 --> 00:20:30,439
- That poster is special to me.
436
00:20:30,439 --> 00:20:31,732
- I know.
437
00:20:31,732 --> 00:20:33,901
"Mommy had the best
side boob in the business"
438
00:20:33,901 --> 00:20:35,319
was my first full sentence.
439
00:20:35,319 --> 00:20:38,197
- Oh no, that's not what I mean.
440
00:20:38,197 --> 00:20:40,741
You're in the poster.
441
00:20:40,741 --> 00:20:44,036
It was taken the day I found out
I was pregnant with you.
442
00:20:44,036 --> 00:20:46,455
That's why it's special to me.
443
00:20:48,832 --> 00:20:51,126
I haven't done a lot of things
right with my life, Sophie.
444
00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:52,878
♪
445
00:20:52,878 --> 00:20:55,047
But I look at that photo,
446
00:20:55,047 --> 00:20:58,050
and I see the best thing I ever did.
447
00:20:59,176 --> 00:21:00,802
I see you.
448
00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:05,933
Do you think maybe
we could go someplace quiet?
449
00:21:05,933 --> 00:21:08,519
Have a glass of wine
and talk about this Ash stuff?
450
00:21:11,271 --> 00:21:13,398
- No. We can't.
451
00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:15,442
- Oh.
452
00:21:16,777 --> 00:21:18,278
- I love you, Mom.
453
00:21:19,321 --> 00:21:21,573
But, I have plans of my own tonight.
454
00:21:28,247 --> 00:21:29,414
Hey.
455
00:21:31,542 --> 00:21:32,960
You were right about my mom.
456
00:21:33,627 --> 00:21:35,546
- I know. I'm sorry.
457
00:21:42,052 --> 00:21:43,846
- You think I can still make it to Drew's?
458
00:21:43,846 --> 00:21:45,722
- Oh, definitely.
Game nights last forever.
459
00:21:45,722 --> 00:21:48,141
It's one of the many reasons
they're so terrible.
460
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:49,852
Now, go get your man.
461
00:21:59,945 --> 00:22:02,406
- Uh, hey, everyone. Um,
462
00:22:02,406 --> 00:22:03,657
some of you might recognize me
463
00:22:03,657 --> 00:22:05,534
from a certain viral video
464
00:22:05,534 --> 00:22:07,411
but now that I'm back here
at the scene of the crime,
465
00:22:07,411 --> 00:22:10,122
I just want to say
I'm ready to move on, New York.
466
00:22:10,122 --> 00:22:13,041
Uh, I'm not going to let
that one night define me. Okay.
467
00:22:13,917 --> 00:22:16,044
What is this? I didn't order this.
- A Cosmopolitan.
468
00:22:16,044 --> 00:22:18,672
- Hey, Carrie Bradshaw. That's from me.
469
00:22:20,299 --> 00:22:23,468
- Okay, just so we're clear.
A Cosmo is a classic cocktail, alright?
470
00:22:23,468 --> 00:22:25,095
- Your mom's a classic cocktail.
471
00:22:25,095 --> 00:22:26,430
- Don't you talk about my mom!
472
00:22:29,349 --> 00:22:32,644
You know what, I'm gonna quit before
this goes viral, too. Thanks, everyone!
473
00:22:35,522 --> 00:22:38,317
That was... not great,
but it's a good first step.
474
00:22:38,317 --> 00:22:41,111
So, thank you, Charlie.
- I should be the one thanking you.
475
00:22:41,111 --> 00:22:43,739
You guys have helped me
to confirm my dream career.
476
00:22:43,739 --> 00:22:46,283
To be a psychiatrist.
477
00:22:47,910 --> 00:22:49,286
Eight years of school?
478
00:22:50,787 --> 00:22:53,999
Alright, uh, to be a psychologist.
479
00:22:55,542 --> 00:22:57,211
Seriously?!
480
00:22:57,211 --> 00:22:59,838
Well, there must be something I can do
where I can listen to people's problems,
481
00:22:59,838 --> 00:23:01,840
offer up sage advice, and get paid for it
482
00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,134
without having to go to any school.
483
00:23:04,134 --> 00:23:06,720
- I'm probably gonna
regret this but, um...
484
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:08,013
- I'll take it!
485
00:23:10,057 --> 00:23:11,850
♪ Nobody Else by LANY ♪
486
00:23:11,850 --> 00:23:14,728
I don't get it, Mom.
Why'd you tell me this story?
487
00:23:14,728 --> 00:23:16,396
It was mostly about you and Grandma.
488
00:23:17,022 --> 00:23:18,482
- True,
489
00:23:18,482 --> 00:23:21,068
but I couldn't eventually
wind up with your dad,
490
00:23:21,068 --> 00:23:23,779
until I faced my stuff with my mom.
491
00:23:23,779 --> 00:23:26,156
Faced who she was, how she hurt me.
492
00:23:27,074 --> 00:23:29,785
And that night,
when I walked out of that bar,
493
00:23:30,494 --> 00:23:31,537
I started to.
494
00:23:31,537 --> 00:23:33,956
- Hey! I hope I didn't
miss the whole thing.
495
00:23:33,956 --> 00:23:35,249
Oh. You're going. Okay.
496
00:23:35,249 --> 00:23:37,251
Uh, four words. First word.
497
00:23:37,251 --> 00:23:38,585
Happy?
498
00:23:39,461 --> 00:23:41,880
Two? See...
499
00:23:43,590 --> 00:23:44,883
I'm happy to see you, too.
500
00:23:44,883 --> 00:23:47,469
♪
501
00:23:47,469 --> 00:23:51,014
♪ And if Heaven doesn't want us ♪
502
00:23:51,014 --> 00:23:53,725
♪ Would you go with me to Hell? ♪
503
00:23:54,977 --> 00:23:58,063
♪ Hope you know I don't want nobody else ♪
504
00:24:00,065 --> 00:24:02,192
♪ Would you call me back ♪
505
00:24:02,192 --> 00:24:04,403
♪ In the middle of the night? ♪
506
00:24:06,405 --> 00:24:08,740
♪ Would you kiss and make up♪
507
00:24:08,740 --> 00:24:10,951
♪ After a stupid fight? ♪
508
00:24:12,703 --> 00:24:16,248
♪ If I share my dark secrets ♪
509
00:24:16,248 --> 00:24:18,750
♪ Would you promise not to tell? ♪
510
00:24:20,169 --> 00:24:23,255
♪ Hope you know
I'd do these things as well ♪
37068
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
