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This is my dream body,
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the one I use to walk around in my dreams.
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In this dream, I'm in a hospital bed.
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00:02:16,428 --> 00:02:19,889
It's like a scene from a movie
you've seen a million times.
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00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:23,309
The doctor is holding a small pink bundle.
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And he leans over the bed,
and he hands me the bundle.
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"It's a girl," he says.
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"Isn't she beautiful? Look."
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And wrapped in the bundle,
I see the little face of my dog,
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a small rat terrier named Lolabelle.
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And no one says anything like,
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"You know, this is not a human baby.
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You just gave birth to a dog."
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00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:58,846
But I'm so happy.
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I put my head to her forehead
and look into her eyes.
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00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:05,643
And it's almost a perfect moment,
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except that the joy is mixed
with quite a lot of guilt.
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Because the truth was
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I had engineered this whole thing.
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00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:20,579
I had arranged to have Lolabelle
sewn into my stomach
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so that I could then "give birth" to her.
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And this had been really hard to do.
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Lolabelle wasn't a puppy.
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She was a full-grown dog,
and she had really struggled.
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00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:33,801
And she kept barking
and trying to get out,
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and the surgeons kept trying
to push her back in
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and sew things up.
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It was really a mess,
and I felt really bad about it,
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but it was just the way,
you know, things had to be.
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00:03:45,142 --> 00:03:47,563
Anyway, I kissed her on the head,
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and I said, "Hello, little bonehead.
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I'll love you forever."
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I'm standing in the room
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where she was dying.
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She's talking in a high new voice
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I've never heard before.
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00:04:39,905 --> 00:04:45,026
'Why are there so many animals
on the ceiling now?" she says.
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00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:50,370
What are the very last things
you say in your life?
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00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:57,707
What are the last things you say
before you turn into dirt?
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00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:04,725
When my mother died,
she was talking to the animals
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that had gathered on the ceiling.
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She spoke to them tenderly.
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"All you animals," she said.
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Her last words, all scattered.
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Different trains,
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places she'd always meant to go.
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"Don't forget you're in the hospital,"
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we kept saying.
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She holds up her hand. "Thanks so much.
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No, the pleasure is all mine."
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00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:45,466
She tries again. "It's been my privilege
and my honor
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to be part of this experiment,
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00:05:47,431 --> 00:05:51,142
this experience with you
and your... and your family.
54
00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:54,437
And it's... it's been...
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It's been...
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Tell the animals," she said.
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"Tell all the animals."
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00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:13,209
Is it a pilgrimage?
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Towards what?
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00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:21,797
Which way do we face?
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00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:26,222
Thank you so much
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00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:29,849
for having me.
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00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:58,085
As a child, I was a kind
of a sky worshipper.
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00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:02,211
This was the Midwest,
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00:07:02,297 --> 00:07:06,548
and the sky was so vast,
it was most of the world.
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I knew I had come from there
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00:07:10,222 --> 00:07:13,433
and that, someday, I would go back.
68
00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:40,626
What are days for?
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00:07:42,254 --> 00:07:44,005
To wake us up,
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00:07:45,340 --> 00:07:48,681
to put between the endless nights.
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00:07:54,015 --> 00:07:56,096
What are nights for?
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00:07:58,562 --> 00:08:00,353
To fall through time
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00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:06,494
into another world.
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00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:47,153
I live in downtown Manhattan
next to the West Side Highway.
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00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:51,026
In September 2001,
after the Trade Center fell,
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00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:54,121
everything was covered with white ash.
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00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:57,832
For months, lines of trucks
moved up the highway,
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00:08:57,913 --> 00:09:01,214
carrying the twisted metal debris
from the towers.
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00:09:03,251 --> 00:09:04,962
Out at the end of the pier,
80
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,706
there's a strange,
Assyrian-looking building.
81
00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:09,468
And during this time,
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FBI speedboats began to dock out there.
83
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It was the beginning of the time
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00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:19,605
when cameras began to appear everywhere.
85
00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:28,443
And everything was so loud
and such a mess.
86
00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:32,277
I tried to get out of town
as much as I could.
87
00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:36,580
I decided to go to California,
up to the northern mountains...
88
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:39,249
with my dog, Lolabelle.
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00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:43,420
The idea was to take a trip
and spend some time with her
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00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:45,921
and do a kind of experiment
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to see if I could learn to talk with her.
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00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,053
I'd heard that rat terriers
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could understand about 500 words,
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00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:58,761
and I wanted to see which ones they were.
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00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:01,636
It was February,
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00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:05,477
and the mountains were covered
with tiny wildflowers.
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And such a huge tall sky
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and very thin, pale blue air
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and hawks circling.
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00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:19,287
Every morning,
we walked down to the ocean,
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which took most of the day.
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00:10:21,997 --> 00:10:24,158
And what happened was, more or less,
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00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:27,420
beauty got in the way of the experiment.
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00:10:27,502 --> 00:10:29,299
It was just so beautiful up there
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00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:31,840
that I forgot the whole project really.
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00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:34,094
It just slipped my mind.
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00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:38,426
Most days, the walk to the ocean
took several hours,
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00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:41,724
and we would just goof around and lie down
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and have snacks of carrots.
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00:10:45,895 --> 00:10:48,806
Now, rat terriers are bred
to protect borders,
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00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:51,649
so Lolabelle was always on the job.
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00:10:51,735 --> 00:10:53,486
She would trot in front of me
on the trail,
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doing a little advance work,
a little surveillance.
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00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,830
Now, occasionally,
out of the corner of my eye,
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00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:05,582
I'd see some hawks circling
in this very lazy way,
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way up in the sky.
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00:11:07,625 --> 00:11:10,286
And then one morning,
suddenly... for no reason...
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they came swooping down
right in front of me.
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00:11:13,256 --> 00:11:14,627
Dropping down through the air,
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00:11:14,716 --> 00:11:17,717
their claws wide open,
right on top of Lolabelle.
121
00:11:19,387 --> 00:11:22,178
And then they swooped back up
and dropped back down.
122
00:11:22,265 --> 00:11:26,136
I realized that they were in the middle
of changing their plan.
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00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:28,188
This little white thing
that had looked like
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a tiny white bunny from 2,000 feet up
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00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:33,403
was turning out to be
just a little too big
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00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:35,396
to grab by the neck.
127
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:37,948
And they were making their calculations,
128
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,622
figuring it out.
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00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:42,204
And then I saw Lolabelle's face.
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00:11:42,285 --> 00:11:44,746
And she had this brand-new expression.
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00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:48,420
First was the realization
that she was prey
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and that these birds had come to kill her.
133
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:58,930
And second was a whole new thought.
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00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:02,181
It was the realization
that they could come
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00:12:03,306 --> 00:12:05,347
from the air.
136
00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:07,731
"I mean, I never thought of that.
137
00:12:07,811 --> 00:12:14,070
A whole 180 more degrees
that I'm now responsible for.
138
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:15,821
It's not just the stuff down here...
139
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:18,783
the dirt, the paths,
the roots, the trees...
140
00:12:18,863 --> 00:12:21,454
but all this too."
141
00:12:22,826 --> 00:12:24,947
And the rest of the time
we were in the mountains,
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00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:26,827
she just kept looking over her shoulder
143
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:28,624
and trotting along
with her head in the air,
144
00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:31,957
her eyes scanning the thin sky
145
00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:34,134
like there's something wrong
146
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:36,512
with the air.
147
00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:43,223
And I thought,
where have I seen this look before?
148
00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,929
And then I realized it was the same look
149
00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:50,478
on the faces of my neighbors in New York
150
00:12:50,562 --> 00:12:53,273
in the days right after 9/11,
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00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:55,607
when they suddenly realized,
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00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:58,613
first, that they could come
153
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,031
from the air.
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00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:07,487
And, second, that it would
be that way from now on.
155
00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:13,078
And we had passed through a door,
156
00:13:15,336 --> 00:13:18,207
and we would never be going
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00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:21,467
back.
158
00:13:44,908 --> 00:13:47,489
What is the name of those things you see
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00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:50,078
when you close your eyes?
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00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:52,834
I think it's "phosphenes"...
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00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:55,957
the reddish patterns,
the little stripes and dots
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00:13:56,044 --> 00:13:58,383
and blurry little lines
you see floating around
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00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:00,964
when you close your eyes.
164
00:14:01,049 --> 00:14:04,550
And no one really knows
what they are or what they're for.
165
00:14:04,636 --> 00:14:07,677
Sometimes they seem to be
brought on by sound
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00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:11,270
or random electrical magnetic firing.
167
00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:17,110
Sometimes phosphenes are called
prisoner's cinema...
168
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:21,821
some kind of eternal, plotless
avant-garde animated movie.
169
00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:25,743
Or maybe they're just screen savers...
170
00:14:25,823 --> 00:14:28,034
holding patterns that just sit there
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00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:30,788
so your brain won't fall asleep.
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00:14:56,479 --> 00:15:00,020
When Lolabelle got old, she went blind.
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00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:05,452
She wouldn't move. She froze in place.
174
00:15:06,781 --> 00:15:11,452
The only place she would run
was on the edge of the ocean
175
00:15:11,536 --> 00:15:14,747
because she knew there would be
nothing to run into there.
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00:15:18,876 --> 00:15:22,337
And so she went running full speed
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into total darkness.
178
00:15:28,469 --> 00:15:30,930
Around this time, her trainer, Elisabeth,
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00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:33,475
decided to teach Lolabelle to paint.
180
00:15:33,558 --> 00:15:37,349
And so Lolabelle began making
several paintings every day...
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00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:40,612
bright-red abstract works.
182
00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:43,936
And she would scratch
on these plastic sheets
183
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using static electricity.
184
00:15:49,032 --> 00:15:51,533
She also made small sculptures
185
00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:54,829
by pressing her paw
into lumps of Plasticine.
186
00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:57,123
She made a huge number of these things,
187
00:15:57,206 --> 00:15:59,247
and I didn't really know
what to do with them.
188
00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:03,385
I thought maybe they could
be snack trays or
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00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:05,881
little clogs,
190
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:10,546
like the ones Japanese dogs
might wear in the rain.
191
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:14,218
You know, we could sell them
on the Web site.
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00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:22,898
# Hey #
193
00:16:27,362 --> 00:16:28,793
# Hey #
194
00:16:33,140 --> 00:16:34,627
# Hey #
195
00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:40,958
Lolabelle sat in the studio with me
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through lots of different record projects.
197
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:47,338
Rat terriers have really good hearing,
198
00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:49,554
especially in the upper registers.
199
00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:51,889
And they never seem to get bored.
200
00:16:51,969 --> 00:16:55,510
"Hey, let's listen to that cello track
for the 70th time."
201
00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:56,929
"Great idea."
202
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:58,347
# Hey #
203
00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:00,686
"Let's do that."
204
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:03,936
# Hey #
205
00:17:05,274 --> 00:17:08,531
Some trainers say that in order
to understand your breed,
206
00:17:08,611 --> 00:17:12,032
you have to imagine what
their voices would sound like
207
00:17:12,115 --> 00:17:15,026
and what they'd say to you
when you give them a command.
208
00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:17,329
So give a command to a German shepherd,
209
00:17:17,412 --> 00:17:19,453
and he'd say, "Right, boss.
210
00:17:20,456 --> 00:17:22,867
No problem. Consider it done."
211
00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:27,210
Give a command to a poodle,
and it's, "Please love me.
212
00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:29,547
I'll do anything if you just love me."
213
00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:33,053
But give a command to a terrier,
214
00:17:33,136 --> 00:17:37,757
and they say, "Um, is it gonna be fun?
215
00:17:37,849 --> 00:17:41,060
Because if it's not gonna be fun,
216
00:17:41,144 --> 00:17:43,815
I'm just not interested."
217
00:17:49,944 --> 00:17:52,533
It was so strange the way it happened.
218
00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:54,410
Almost overnight,
219
00:17:54,490 --> 00:17:57,201
there were soldiers
everywhere in the city.
220
00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:59,826
Where there used to be
just maybe one policeman,
221
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:02,251
now there were groups of soldiers
222
00:18:02,331 --> 00:18:06,212
with machine guns and riot gear.
223
00:18:06,294 --> 00:18:09,175
Almost immediately, it became normal.
224
00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,376
They began to blend in.
225
00:18:11,466 --> 00:18:13,257
Nobody talked to them,
226
00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:17,263
but they were everywhere, like ghosts.
227
00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:22,097
And I thought,
when did that start to happen?
228
00:18:22,185 --> 00:18:24,556
We're trying to prevent it from happening
229
00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:27,186
instead of having to deal
with it afterwards.
230
00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:31,280
So Homeland Security began to breed dogs.
231
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:34,450
When the puppies were 13 weeks old,
232
00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:38,241
they were sent to prisons
to be trained by prisoners.
233
00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:41,867
The smartest dogs were
drafted to work with police
234
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:46,215
on patrols and on bomb-sniffing squads.
235
00:18:47,043 --> 00:18:48,964
The Homeland Security slogan,
236
00:18:49,045 --> 00:18:51,546
"If you see something, say something,"
237
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:53,172
sounds like something
238
00:18:53,257 --> 00:18:56,218
the Austrian philosopher
Wittgenstein might say.
239
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:59,600
And his books are full
of cryptic sentences about logic
240
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:02,019
and about how language has the power
241
00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:05,310
to actually create the world.
242
00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:07,815
If you can't talk about it, he says,
243
00:19:07,897 --> 00:19:10,018
it just doesn't exist.
244
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:33,171
After the "see something,
say something" slogan
245
00:19:33,256 --> 00:19:35,337
had been around for a while,
246
00:19:35,424 --> 00:19:40,015
someone from Homeland Security
must have had second thoughts
247
00:19:40,096 --> 00:19:44,267
about asking people to report
on each other all the time.
248
00:19:47,562 --> 00:19:48,983
I would have loved to have been
249
00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:52,944
at that Homeland Security
PR brainstorming session
250
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:56,436
when they decided to add
this phrase to their slogan.
251
00:20:04,287 --> 00:20:07,288
There are so many trucks
in my neighborhood now
252
00:20:07,373 --> 00:20:09,003
carrying information and data
253
00:20:09,083 --> 00:20:12,423
on the way to secure storage areas.
254
00:20:12,503 --> 00:20:15,593
Iron Mountain started
as a network of caves
255
00:20:15,673 --> 00:20:17,384
for growing mushrooms
256
00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:20,927
and gradually turned into
a bomb-resistant storage facility
257
00:20:21,012 --> 00:20:23,053
for corporate documents.
258
00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:26,729
After World War ll,
259
00:20:26,809 --> 00:20:29,350
the company began inventing new identities
260
00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:32,688
for Jewish immigrants
who arrived with nothing...
261
00:20:32,773 --> 00:20:37,154
no papers or, at most,
their old library cards.
262
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:41,737
So Iron Mountain created all sorts
of new documents for them,
263
00:20:41,824 --> 00:20:45,205
and they became instant Americans.
264
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:53,171
Lolabelle was a mall dog.
265
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:56,713
She came from one
of the high-speed puppy mills
266
00:20:56,797 --> 00:21:00,928
that breed dogs in batches
and then sell them in malls.
267
00:21:05,514 --> 00:21:10,314
She was bought by a couple
who were in the middle of a divorce.
268
00:21:12,563 --> 00:21:15,274
And no one could take her.
269
00:21:15,358 --> 00:21:17,069
The woman didn't want her,
270
00:21:17,151 --> 00:21:19,192
and the husband didn't want her.
271
00:21:20,446 --> 00:21:22,857
And the boy wanted her, but...
272
00:21:22,949 --> 00:21:26,120
Nobody really wanted the boy.
273
00:21:31,374 --> 00:21:34,795
And so the man took Lolabelle
with him to Canada,
274
00:21:34,877 --> 00:21:37,628
where he spent a month camping and crying
275
00:21:37,713 --> 00:21:41,384
and thinking it all through
and talking to himself.
276
00:21:43,052 --> 00:21:45,553
And Lolabelle rode
up on the bow of the kayak,
277
00:21:45,638 --> 00:21:48,219
perched on the front leading the way
278
00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:50,138
as the man paddled along
279
00:21:50,226 --> 00:21:55,357
and tried to figure out
what to do with his life,
280
00:21:55,439 --> 00:21:57,320
how to go on.
281
00:21:59,819 --> 00:22:01,440
And I think that was where she learned
282
00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:04,280
the great skill of empathy.
283
00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:06,988
And also where she learned
284
00:22:07,076 --> 00:22:10,157
what our meditation teacher
keeps telling us.
285
00:22:12,248 --> 00:22:16,539
And he says, "You should try
to learn how to feel sad
286
00:22:16,627 --> 00:22:19,668
without being sad."
287
00:22:22,091 --> 00:22:24,632
Which is actually really hard to do...
288
00:22:29,265 --> 00:22:32,596
to feel sad without actually
289
00:22:34,103 --> 00:22:35,814
being sad.
290
00:23:07,887 --> 00:23:11,558
Terriers are really adaptable
and very social.
291
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:15,940
So Lolabelle immediately fit
right in into the West Village.
292
00:23:17,396 --> 00:23:20,017
Within a week or two,
she seemed to know everyone...
293
00:23:23,444 --> 00:23:26,909
Kurt, who has the Austrian restaurant
on the corner,
294
00:23:26,989 --> 00:23:30,450
our neighbor Julian,
the painter who lives across the street,
295
00:23:30,534 --> 00:23:33,585
and lots of people
who were total strangers to us.
296
00:23:37,041 --> 00:23:39,252
She had a tab in several stores,
297
00:23:39,335 --> 00:23:41,706
and, on most walks, she would drop in
298
00:23:41,796 --> 00:23:45,007
to pick up a treat or a toy.
299
00:23:54,100 --> 00:23:58,271
The West Village has the highest
density of dogs in the city.
300
00:23:58,354 --> 00:24:02,325
Lots of the dogs are chasing birds
and barking at cars.
301
00:24:04,193 --> 00:24:08,824
But, weirdly, there are
almost no collisions.
302
00:24:08,906 --> 00:24:12,277
Pretty much everybody manages
to stay out of the way.
303
00:24:21,794 --> 00:24:24,965
Dogs see mostly blues and greens.
304
00:24:25,047 --> 00:24:27,008
Their eyesight is very blurry
305
00:24:27,091 --> 00:24:29,842
and gets combined
with their sense of smell,
306
00:24:29,927 --> 00:24:32,008
which is hard for humans to imagine
307
00:24:32,096 --> 00:24:35,517
since we lost most of our ability
to navigate by smell
308
00:24:35,599 --> 00:24:39,190
when we began walking upright
so far from the ground.
309
00:24:56,871 --> 00:24:59,502
So many things are being recorded...
310
00:24:59,582 --> 00:25:02,793
numbers, locations, names,
311
00:25:02,877 --> 00:25:07,418
dates, times, directions.
312
00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:12,547
Massive amounts of data
are being collected and stored.
313
00:25:12,636 --> 00:25:16,057
And what kind of information is this?
314
00:25:16,140 --> 00:25:18,521
Fragmented conversations
315
00:25:18,601 --> 00:25:21,602
full of jump cuts and distortions.
316
00:25:23,397 --> 00:25:26,938
And what are the stories that emerge
from these fragments?
317
00:25:28,611 --> 00:25:30,782
And why are they being collected?
318
00:25:35,159 --> 00:25:37,910
And it's only when you commit a crime
319
00:25:37,995 --> 00:25:40,156
that the data is put together
320
00:25:40,247 --> 00:25:44,878
and your story is reconstructed,
backwards.
321
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:48,381
A portrait of you made up of data trails...
322
00:25:48,464 --> 00:25:52,012
the places you went,
the things you bought,
323
00:25:52,092 --> 00:25:56,723
the pictures you took,
the e-mails you sent.
324
00:26:00,684 --> 00:26:02,525
And like Kierkegaard said,
325
00:26:04,396 --> 00:26:08,267
"Life can only be understood backwards;
326
00:26:10,736 --> 00:26:13,777
but it must be lived forwards."
327
00:27:03,831 --> 00:27:07,212
The new headquarters
of the National Security Agency
328
00:27:07,293 --> 00:27:10,132
is finally almost finished.
329
00:27:10,212 --> 00:27:15,133
This huge data center in Utah
collects information
330
00:27:15,217 --> 00:27:18,968
and has clearance to bug the systems
of individual citizens
331
00:27:19,054 --> 00:27:23,895
and to engage in sabotage
using subversive software.
332
00:27:26,145 --> 00:27:27,976
The United States is the first country
333
00:27:28,063 --> 00:27:29,774
in the history of the world
334
00:27:29,857 --> 00:27:33,068
to collect and store information
about its own citizens
335
00:27:33,152 --> 00:27:35,783
on this scale.
336
00:27:35,863 --> 00:27:39,119
Until now, records were mostly accounts
337
00:27:39,199 --> 00:27:41,240
of the lives of kings and pharaohs
338
00:27:41,327 --> 00:27:46,368
who also stored their records
in massive desert complexes.
339
00:27:54,631 --> 00:27:57,182
A lot of the information
is stored in the cloud.
340
00:27:58,385 --> 00:28:00,506
But the likelihood that your story
341
00:28:00,596 --> 00:28:03,177
is going to get mixed up
with someone else's story
342
00:28:03,265 --> 00:28:05,916
is extremely high.
343
00:28:19,948 --> 00:28:21,418
# Hey #
344
00:28:25,841 --> 00:28:27,337
# Hey #
345
00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:35,251
# Some call me beauty #
346
00:28:36,298 --> 00:28:39,629
# Some call me pain #
347
00:29:33,147 --> 00:29:34,858
I remember the first time I realized
348
00:29:34,940 --> 00:29:38,071
that some people live in different worlds.
349
00:29:38,152 --> 00:29:40,323
I'd be walking to school and I'd look up,
350
00:29:40,404 --> 00:29:43,035
and there was Moses
hanging by his tool belt.
351
00:29:44,533 --> 00:29:46,454
Every day, no matter what the weather,
352
00:29:46,535 --> 00:29:49,576
Moses would climb up the telephone poles
353
00:29:49,663 --> 00:29:51,460
and attach his belt to them
354
00:29:51,540 --> 00:29:54,129
and open the phone boxes
355
00:29:54,209 --> 00:29:56,210
and move the lines around.
356
00:29:57,796 --> 00:30:01,217
Sometimes he'd take out his tools
and do some hammering.
357
00:30:02,926 --> 00:30:06,137
In the winter,
you could see him really well
358
00:30:06,221 --> 00:30:08,392
outlined against the bright sky,
359
00:30:09,558 --> 00:30:13,479
hammering and spinning
around and round up there.
360
00:30:16,607 --> 00:30:20,738
Now, Moses did not work
for the phone company.
361
00:30:21,987 --> 00:30:24,858
He just lived in another world,
362
00:30:24,948 --> 00:30:31,329
a kind of dream world of trees
and circuits and electronics.
363
00:30:34,041 --> 00:30:37,339
But everyone in town
made a point of thanking him
364
00:30:37,419 --> 00:30:39,920
for fixing their phones.
365
00:30:40,005 --> 00:30:42,216
The men would be walking home
from the train station
366
00:30:42,299 --> 00:30:44,550
in the evening, and they'd yell,
367
00:30:45,969 --> 00:30:49,260
"Hey, Moe! Good job on the phones."
368
00:30:50,516 --> 00:30:54,347
"The reception on my line
is really great now."
369
00:30:54,436 --> 00:30:57,097
"Nice job. Clear. Thanks a lot."
370
00:31:08,575 --> 00:31:13,406
As a child, I had a hobby
of making colonial newspapers...
371
00:31:13,497 --> 00:31:16,458
just inventing things
that happened in colonial times
372
00:31:16,542 --> 00:31:19,963
and printing them and handing them out
to the neighbors.
373
00:31:21,129 --> 00:31:23,380
I also had a hobby
of trying to imagine things
374
00:31:23,465 --> 00:31:27,086
that had never happened
in the history of the world.
375
00:31:27,177 --> 00:31:30,008
For some reason,
this was really important to me.
376
00:31:30,097 --> 00:31:32,348
So I'd go out into the woods
and make a fort
377
00:31:32,432 --> 00:31:35,481
and roll oak leaves
into oak-leaf cigarettes
378
00:31:35,561 --> 00:31:38,232
and crawl into the fort
and smoke the cigarettes
379
00:31:38,313 --> 00:31:41,484
and think up various improbable events.
380
00:31:41,567 --> 00:31:46,028
For example,
a man is walking along a road,
381
00:31:46,113 --> 00:31:48,284
and just as he looks up into the sky,
382
00:31:48,365 --> 00:31:50,906
which is filled with dense swirling snow,
383
00:31:50,993 --> 00:31:53,790
a duck flying above him has a heart attack
384
00:31:53,870 --> 00:31:57,461
and falls right on top of the man
and kills him.
385
00:31:57,541 --> 00:31:59,582
Things like that.
386
00:32:02,337 --> 00:32:06,168
Sometimes these thoughts
would lead to questions like,
387
00:32:06,258 --> 00:32:10,389
is it true that on Mars
the cliffs are 40 miles high?
388
00:32:11,847 --> 00:32:13,558
Or what if everything just stopped...
389
00:32:13,640 --> 00:32:16,431
the tides and the waves and
390
00:32:16,518 --> 00:32:18,189
what if the sky froze?
391
00:32:18,270 --> 00:32:19,771
What then?
392
00:32:21,064 --> 00:32:26,035
Say, are you perhaps made of glass?
393
00:32:30,157 --> 00:32:34,118
To live in the gap
between the moment that is expiring
394
00:32:34,202 --> 00:32:36,583
and the one that is arising,
395
00:32:36,663 --> 00:32:39,504
luminous and empty.
396
00:32:41,251 --> 00:32:46,922
The real city falling through your mind
in glittering pieces.
397
00:32:50,677 --> 00:32:54,258
And when you close your eyes,
what do you see?
398
00:32:55,932 --> 00:32:57,433
Nothing?
399
00:32:59,770 --> 00:33:01,311
Now open them.
400
00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:04,441
Good girl. What a good girl!
401
00:33:04,524 --> 00:33:06,530
Thank you.
402
00:33:06,610 --> 00:33:08,571
Wow. Lolie!
403
00:33:12,074 --> 00:33:14,079
When Lolabelle went blind,
404
00:33:14,159 --> 00:33:18,290
Elisabeth decided it was time
for her to learn piano.
405
00:33:18,372 --> 00:33:20,502
So we set up some keyboards on the floor,
406
00:33:20,582 --> 00:33:24,093
and she would run over
and turn them on and start to play.
407
00:33:25,587 --> 00:33:28,298
Lolabelle played every day for two years,
408
00:33:28,382 --> 00:33:30,971
and she got reasonably good.
409
00:33:55,534 --> 00:33:59,140
She was trained with a little clicker
that Elisabeth used.
410
00:34:09,673 --> 00:34:12,594
She also played more experimental music,
411
00:34:12,676 --> 00:34:16,297
and she used some of the same programs
and samples that I use.
412
00:34:42,330 --> 00:34:46,171
She also did a lot of benefit concerts
for other animals
413
00:34:46,251 --> 00:34:50,049
and for various animal rights
organizations.
414
00:35:12,986 --> 00:35:15,277
She also made a Christmas record,
415
00:35:15,363 --> 00:35:18,374
which was... pretty good.
416
00:35:35,300 --> 00:35:38,890
One of my favorite paintings is by Goya,
417
00:35:38,970 --> 00:35:40,971
and it doesn't look like
his other work at all.
418
00:35:41,056 --> 00:35:44,637
It's a huge gold void.
419
00:35:46,853 --> 00:35:51,820
Except, at the bottom,
there's a little dog,
420
00:35:51,900 --> 00:35:54,239
and you see only his head.
421
00:35:54,319 --> 00:35:57,570
And he seems to be climbing a steep hill,
422
00:35:57,656 --> 00:36:02,327
or maybe he's swimming by himself
in a gold ocean.
423
00:36:08,583 --> 00:36:12,754
When Lolabelle got very sick,
we took her to the hospital.
424
00:36:14,214 --> 00:36:16,385
We spent a lot of time with vets,
425
00:36:16,466 --> 00:36:18,427
and they always wanted
to give you this speech
426
00:36:18,510 --> 00:36:21,051
they'd prepared about pain,
427
00:36:21,137 --> 00:36:24,428
which was, "Of course you don't
want her to be in pain.
428
00:36:24,516 --> 00:36:27,597
And so we just give her a shot
and put her to sleep
429
00:36:27,686 --> 00:36:32,517
and then another shot,
and she stops breathing."
430
00:36:32,607 --> 00:36:35,068
And every time they would say that,
I would say,
431
00:36:35,151 --> 00:36:40,361
"Listen, I know you want to say this, but
we're not going to do this, so never mind."
432
00:36:41,575 --> 00:36:43,946
But they would still try
to give the speech anyway.
433
00:36:49,457 --> 00:36:52,670
I was really worried about this,
so I called our Buddhist teacher,
434
00:36:52,752 --> 00:36:57,552
and he said, "Animals are like people.
435
00:36:57,632 --> 00:37:00,473
They approach death,
and then they back away.
436
00:37:02,178 --> 00:37:03,929
And it's a process,
437
00:37:04,014 --> 00:37:06,525
and you don't have the right
to take that from them."
438
00:37:10,478 --> 00:37:14,269
He said, "You should just go
and get her from the hospital
439
00:37:14,357 --> 00:37:16,478
and bring her home."
440
00:37:19,654 --> 00:37:22,075
Pretty much exactly what
your Jewish grandmother would say.
441
00:37:22,157 --> 00:37:25,738
Get some good tranquilizers,
442
00:37:25,827 --> 00:37:30,118
get some good food and bring her home.
443
00:37:45,472 --> 00:37:49,183
So we went to the hospital
and we took Lolabelle home.
444
00:37:51,478 --> 00:37:53,939
We stayed with her for three days
445
00:37:54,022 --> 00:37:57,693
as her breath slowed and then stopped.
446
00:37:59,694 --> 00:38:03,415
We had learned to love Lola
as she loved us,
447
00:38:04,741 --> 00:38:08,162
with a tenderness we didn't know we had.
448
00:38:18,922 --> 00:38:23,473
The thing that's forbidden
by the Tibetan Book of the Dead
449
00:38:24,260 --> 00:38:25,761
is crying.
450
00:38:26,596 --> 00:38:29,517
Crying is not allowed
451
00:38:29,599 --> 00:38:32,890
because it's supposedly
confusing to the dead,
452
00:38:32,978 --> 00:38:35,309
and you don't want to summon them back,
453
00:38:35,397 --> 00:38:37,938
because they actually can't come back.
454
00:38:38,525 --> 00:38:41,646
So, no crying.
455
00:38:44,614 --> 00:38:48,245
When Lolabelle died, our teacher said,
456
00:38:48,326 --> 00:38:50,157
"Every time you think of her,
457
00:38:50,245 --> 00:38:53,496
give something away or do something kind."
458
00:38:53,581 --> 00:38:55,252
And I said,
459
00:38:56,292 --> 00:38:59,753
"Then I'd be giving things away nonstop."
460
00:38:59,838 --> 00:39:01,339
And he said,
461
00:39:02,340 --> 00:39:03,881
"So?"
462
00:39:05,510 --> 00:39:09,181
And it took me so long to figure it out,
463
00:39:09,264 --> 00:39:13,521
because death is so often about regrets
464
00:39:13,601 --> 00:39:15,941
or guilt.
465
00:39:16,021 --> 00:39:19,482
'Why didn't I call her?
Why didn't I say that?"
466
00:39:19,566 --> 00:39:24,447
It's more about you
than the person who died.
467
00:39:26,197 --> 00:39:29,408
But finally I saw it...
468
00:39:30,827 --> 00:39:34,908
the connection between love and death
469
00:39:39,294 --> 00:39:41,675
and that the purpose of death
470
00:39:41,755 --> 00:39:45,756
is the release of love.
471
00:40:00,899 --> 00:40:03,650
Gordon Matta-Clark died young.
472
00:40:05,153 --> 00:40:07,324
And he died in an amazing way.
473
00:40:09,074 --> 00:40:11,121
Gordon was a good friend of mine,
474
00:40:11,201 --> 00:40:13,081
and he was a sculptor.
475
00:40:13,161 --> 00:40:17,460
One of his most well-known works
was called Splitting,
476
00:40:17,540 --> 00:40:20,671
in which he sawed
a suburban house in half.
477
00:40:20,752 --> 00:40:22,463
He was a minimalist,
478
00:40:22,545 --> 00:40:24,916
and there was a lot of advanced theory
479
00:40:25,006 --> 00:40:27,967
about why he cut houses in half,
480
00:40:28,051 --> 00:40:29,931
although none of the theories
481
00:40:30,011 --> 00:40:32,600
talked about his parents' divorce
482
00:40:32,680 --> 00:40:34,310
or what happened one day
483
00:40:34,390 --> 00:40:37,601
when his twin brother jumped to his death
484
00:40:38,478 --> 00:40:40,269
out of Gordon's window.
485
00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:46,566
When Gordon got sick,
486
00:40:46,653 --> 00:40:50,324
he decided to make his death very social,
487
00:40:50,406 --> 00:40:54,277
and so he invited his friends
to come to the hospital.
488
00:40:54,369 --> 00:40:57,540
And he had only 24 hours left to live...
489
00:40:57,622 --> 00:41:00,962
the length of time that his system
was breaking down.
490
00:41:01,042 --> 00:41:02,881
And he decided to spend this time
491
00:41:02,961 --> 00:41:04,462
reading to his friends.
492
00:41:04,546 --> 00:41:06,167
They say that the object
493
00:41:06,256 --> 00:41:08,167
is the medium through which the light...
494
00:41:08,258 --> 00:41:09,759
And when he died,
495
00:41:09,843 --> 00:41:13,054
there were two lamas
on either side of him.
496
00:41:13,138 --> 00:41:15,139
And when he stopped breathing,
497
00:41:15,223 --> 00:41:18,854
they began shouting into his ear.
498
00:41:18,935 --> 00:41:23,146
The Tibetans believe that hearing
is the last sense to go.
499
00:41:23,231 --> 00:41:27,280
So after the heart stops
and your brain flatlines
500
00:41:27,360 --> 00:41:29,651
and the eyes go dark,
501
00:41:29,737 --> 00:41:33,908
the hammers in the ears are still working.
502
00:41:33,992 --> 00:41:37,243
So they shout instructions
from the Tibetan Book of the Dead,
503
00:41:37,328 --> 00:41:40,999
also called the Great Liberation
Through Hearing,
504
00:41:41,082 --> 00:41:44,003
and they yelled, "Gordon! You're dead!
505
00:41:45,712 --> 00:41:47,883
You're dead now!"
506
00:41:47,964 --> 00:41:49,885
And then they say, "You see two lights,
507
00:41:49,966 --> 00:41:52,507
and one is near you and one is far away.
508
00:41:52,594 --> 00:41:55,183
Don't go to the near one.
Go to the one that's far away,"
509
00:41:55,263 --> 00:41:57,644
and so on and so on and so on.
510
00:42:01,394 --> 00:42:04,105
I've seen three ghosts in my life now.
511
00:42:04,189 --> 00:42:06,270
And the first was Gordon.
512
00:42:07,734 --> 00:42:09,905
A few hours after he died,
513
00:42:09,986 --> 00:42:13,197
he appeared on the back porch
of the commune I was living in.
514
00:42:15,366 --> 00:42:17,117
"Every love story
515
00:42:19,704 --> 00:42:21,915
is a ghost story"...
516
00:42:27,587 --> 00:42:29,838
said David Foster Wallace.
517
00:42:40,642 --> 00:42:42,230
After death,
518
00:42:42,310 --> 00:42:45,231
according to the Tibetan Book of the Dead,
519
00:42:45,313 --> 00:42:49,694
all creatures then spend
49 days in the bardo.
520
00:42:50,944 --> 00:42:52,490
And the bardo isn't a place.
521
00:42:52,570 --> 00:42:57,701
It's more like a process
that lasts 49 days
522
00:42:57,784 --> 00:42:59,789
as the mind dissolves
523
00:42:59,869 --> 00:43:01,910
and, as the Tibetans believe,
524
00:43:01,996 --> 00:43:05,167
the consciousness
or, let's say, the energy,
525
00:43:05,250 --> 00:43:08,211
prepares to take another life form.
526
00:43:09,420 --> 00:43:12,711
Leap.
527
00:43:13,633 --> 00:43:16,431
All goes to darkness,
528
00:43:16,511 --> 00:43:19,052
and the next thing you see
is your next life.
529
00:43:20,598 --> 00:43:24,269
A slow awakening to this world
530
00:43:24,352 --> 00:43:26,023
or another world.
531
00:43:28,648 --> 00:43:32,779
Now you are in another form,
without a body.
532
00:43:39,033 --> 00:43:41,374
Recognize this.
533
00:43:52,505 --> 00:43:56,466
The cities, the mountains,
534
00:43:56,551 --> 00:43:59,722
the rooms, the trees,
535
00:44:00,430 --> 00:44:01,721
the trains...
536
00:44:03,933 --> 00:44:06,064
Optical illusions.
537
00:44:08,229 --> 00:44:09,730
Not there.
538
00:44:13,318 --> 00:44:15,609
Like dreams made of nothing.
539
00:44:17,572 --> 00:44:20,161
Things you loved as living things
540
00:44:20,241 --> 00:44:22,742
move with a different speed.
541
00:44:22,827 --> 00:44:24,408
They disappear.
542
00:44:24,495 --> 00:44:26,536
Echo. Repeat.
543
00:44:39,510 --> 00:44:43,511
Anger turned to liberation,
544
00:44:45,600 --> 00:44:47,601
earth into water,
545
00:44:47,685 --> 00:44:49,186
water into fire,
546
00:44:50,897 --> 00:44:52,858
fire into air,
547
00:44:54,150 --> 00:44:58,111
air into consciousness.
548
00:45:09,165 --> 00:45:12,746
The many days of silence and loneliness.
549
00:45:29,060 --> 00:45:32,521
You are not alone in leaving this world.
550
00:45:35,191 --> 00:45:36,821
At first, you don't realize you're dead
551
00:45:36,901 --> 00:45:39,192
but continue doing things you used to do,
552
00:45:40,780 --> 00:45:42,701
looking for things you've lost,
553
00:45:44,951 --> 00:45:49,500
your mind overwhelmed
by memories and plans.
554
00:45:49,580 --> 00:45:52,831
What am I? What am I?
555
00:45:56,504 --> 00:45:59,925
Looking for your food bowl
and wondering what...
556
00:46:01,008 --> 00:46:02,549
Recognize this.
557
00:46:07,181 --> 00:46:09,932
The monkey mind, my teacher calls it,
558
00:46:10,017 --> 00:46:13,598
dissolving, like moonlight,
559
00:46:13,688 --> 00:46:15,399
in a cloudless sky.
560
00:46:19,694 --> 00:46:21,195
Recognize this.
561
00:46:24,365 --> 00:46:26,276
You can move through walls.
562
00:46:38,129 --> 00:46:42,300
Recognize this as the play
of your own mind.
563
00:46:54,520 --> 00:46:57,691
Leave attachment to the things you left.
564
00:47:00,860 --> 00:47:02,361
Could I have done this?
565
00:47:04,572 --> 00:47:06,363
Could I have said this?
566
00:47:09,577 --> 00:47:13,908
...get some good food and bring her home.
567
00:47:16,667 --> 00:47:18,418
The long ago fears
568
00:47:19,587 --> 00:47:20,998
of childhood.
569
00:47:22,590 --> 00:47:24,471
This is a nightmare.
570
00:47:27,261 --> 00:47:29,142
No solid self.
571
00:47:31,057 --> 00:47:34,131
The longing after your own happiness.
572
00:47:34,610 --> 00:47:37,723
The longing after your own happiness.
573
00:47:41,108 --> 00:47:43,189
Trapped in your thought flow.
574
00:47:48,741 --> 00:47:50,483
Wake up.
575
00:47:55,322 --> 00:47:57,038
Wake up.
576
00:48:02,797 --> 00:48:04,548
Clocks have stopped.
577
00:48:16,686 --> 00:48:18,347
Once you wore that.
578
00:48:20,690 --> 00:48:22,571
Once you did that.
579
00:48:24,068 --> 00:48:28,989
Everything you knew about time
slipping, repeating.
580
00:48:40,751 --> 00:48:42,542
Do not be afraid.
581
00:48:53,723 --> 00:48:55,684
Like all mornings.
582
00:49:05,651 --> 00:49:07,612
Recognize this.
583
00:49:11,490 --> 00:49:13,871
Leave behind aggression.
584
00:49:15,369 --> 00:49:16,910
Leave behind
585
00:49:17,872 --> 00:49:19,123
passion.
586
00:49:47,735 --> 00:49:49,526
Recognize this.
587
00:50:09,215 --> 00:50:13,466
# Some call me beauty #
588
00:50:13,552 --> 00:50:15,223
# Some call me pain ##
589
00:51:01,976 --> 00:51:06,147
I spent the next 49 days
keeping a kind of double diary,
590
00:51:06,230 --> 00:51:08,981
keeping track of what
was going on in the real world
591
00:51:09,066 --> 00:51:10,817
and what was going on in the bardo.
592
00:51:16,490 --> 00:51:20,241
Lots of things were going on in
the real world during that time.
593
00:51:20,327 --> 00:51:24,828
On May 2, Osama bin Laden
was killed in Pakistan
594
00:51:26,000 --> 00:51:28,791
in a raid called Operation Neptune Spear
595
00:51:29,503 --> 00:51:31,174
led by the CIA.
596
00:51:38,179 --> 00:51:40,430
On April 22, the memory unit
597
00:51:40,514 --> 00:51:44,021
of the flight data recorder
from Air France 447
598
00:51:44,101 --> 00:51:47,522
was recovered from the bottom
of the Atlantic Ocean.
599
00:51:47,605 --> 00:51:51,066
Then on May 21, there was a prediction
600
00:51:51,150 --> 00:51:53,401
by a US religious group
601
00:51:53,486 --> 00:51:55,027
that the world was going to end.
602
00:51:55,112 --> 00:51:56,783
...judgment has come.
603
00:51:56,864 --> 00:51:59,412
Your world is now under judgment,
604
00:51:59,492 --> 00:52:02,953
where it was not prior to May 21.
605
00:52:03,037 --> 00:52:06,458
On May 23, there was a retraction.
606
00:52:06,540 --> 00:52:08,121
There's a big difference in the world
607
00:52:08,209 --> 00:52:10,960
that we can't detect at all with our eyes,
608
00:52:11,045 --> 00:52:13,206
but we can know from the Bible.
609
00:52:23,390 --> 00:52:25,731
Strange, but after all this time...
610
00:52:26,769 --> 00:52:29,400
30,000 years of human civilization...
611
00:52:29,480 --> 00:52:33,021
we still have no idea why we dream.
612
00:52:33,108 --> 00:52:34,939
Of course, there are lots of theories.
613
00:52:35,027 --> 00:52:38,658
And one theory of SIDS,
or Sudden Infant Death Syndrome,
614
00:52:38,739 --> 00:52:40,410
has to do with dreaming.
615
00:52:41,283 --> 00:52:43,330
SIDS, or crib death,
616
00:52:43,410 --> 00:52:47,331
is the mysterious phenomenon
of the death of a baby
617
00:52:47,414 --> 00:52:50,379
who just suddenly stops breathing.
618
00:52:50,459 --> 00:52:54,300
And according to the theory,
the baby dies during REM sleep,
619
00:52:54,380 --> 00:52:58,261
a period when dreams of the past
are the most intense.
620
00:52:58,342 --> 00:53:02,850
And these dreams are from
before the baby was born,
621
00:53:02,930 --> 00:53:05,521
before the baby began to breathe.
622
00:53:06,350 --> 00:53:09,190
And the dreams are so real,
623
00:53:09,270 --> 00:53:12,481
the baby gets lost in them
624
00:53:12,565 --> 00:53:14,476
and just
625
00:53:14,567 --> 00:53:16,068
stops breathing.
626
00:53:19,822 --> 00:53:23,123
And when you see an X-ray
of a child's head,
627
00:53:25,244 --> 00:53:27,249
you see this second pair of teeth,
628
00:53:27,329 --> 00:53:29,460
right above the baby teeth.
629
00:53:29,540 --> 00:53:31,371
And this second pair of teeth
630
00:53:31,458 --> 00:53:35,959
is ready to drop down into place
when the first set falls out.
631
00:53:37,464 --> 00:53:40,471
Now wouldn't it be great
to have a second brain
632
00:53:40,551 --> 00:53:43,302
or a reserve heart
633
00:53:43,387 --> 00:53:48,218
that would just drop into place
when the first one breaks?
634
00:53:55,232 --> 00:53:57,193
I want to tell you a story
635
00:53:57,276 --> 00:53:59,777
about a story.
636
00:53:59,862 --> 00:54:03,160
And it's about the time
I discovered that most adults
637
00:54:03,240 --> 00:54:05,911
have no idea what they're talking about.
638
00:54:08,162 --> 00:54:11,413
It was the middle of the summer
when I was 12.
639
00:54:11,498 --> 00:54:15,339
And I was the kind of kid
who was always showing off.
640
00:54:15,419 --> 00:54:16,960
I have seven brothers and sisters,
641
00:54:17,046 --> 00:54:20,207
and I was always getting lost
in the crowd.
642
00:54:20,299 --> 00:54:23,640
And so I would do practically
anything for attention.
643
00:54:24,720 --> 00:54:27,971
So one day, I was at the swimming pool,
644
00:54:28,057 --> 00:54:30,478
and I decided to do a flip
from the high board,
645
00:54:31,185 --> 00:54:32,766
the kind of dive
646
00:54:32,853 --> 00:54:38,444
when you're temporarily
magically suspended mid-air,
647
00:54:38,525 --> 00:54:42,106
and everyone around the pool goes,
'Wow! That's incredible!
648
00:54:42,196 --> 00:54:44,357
That's amazing!"
649
00:54:46,241 --> 00:54:48,282
Now I'd never done a flip before.
650
00:54:48,369 --> 00:54:50,870
But I thought, how hard could it be?
651
00:54:51,705 --> 00:54:53,456
You just somersault
652
00:54:53,540 --> 00:54:56,291
and straighten out
right before you hit the water.
653
00:54:57,711 --> 00:54:59,212
So I did.
654
00:54:59,296 --> 00:55:01,877
But I missed the pool.
655
00:55:01,966 --> 00:55:02,877
And I landed
656
00:55:04,218 --> 00:55:06,219
on the concrete edge
657
00:55:06,303 --> 00:55:07,804
and broke my back.
658
00:55:09,515 --> 00:55:11,976
I spent the next few weeks in traction
659
00:55:12,059 --> 00:55:14,850
in the children's ward at the hospital.
660
00:55:14,937 --> 00:55:17,858
And for quite a while,
I couldn't move or talk.
661
00:55:17,940 --> 00:55:20,361
I was just sort of floating.
662
00:55:21,735 --> 00:55:25,316
I was in the same trauma unit
with the kids who'd been burned,
663
00:55:25,406 --> 00:55:28,527
and they were hanging
in these rotating slings,
664
00:55:28,617 --> 00:55:31,488
sort of like rotisseries or spits...
665
00:55:31,578 --> 00:55:34,909
machines that would
turn you around and around
666
00:55:34,999 --> 00:55:39,340
so the burns could be bathed
in these cool liquids.
667
00:55:39,420 --> 00:55:41,800
Then one day, one of the doctors
came to see me,
668
00:55:41,880 --> 00:55:44,841
and he told me that I wouldn't
be able to walk again.
669
00:55:44,925 --> 00:55:49,046
And I remember thinking,
"This guy is crazy!
670
00:55:49,138 --> 00:55:52,519
I mean, is he even a doctor? Who knows?"
671
00:55:52,599 --> 00:55:54,060
Of course I was going to walk.
672
00:55:54,143 --> 00:55:56,023
I just had to concentrate,
673
00:55:56,103 --> 00:55:58,064
keep trying to make contact with my feet,
674
00:55:58,147 --> 00:56:02,188
convince them, will them to move.
675
00:56:02,276 --> 00:56:04,687
The worst thing about this
was the volunteers
676
00:56:04,778 --> 00:56:07,109
who came every afternoon to read to me.
677
00:56:07,197 --> 00:56:09,528
And they'd lean over the bed
and they'd say,
678
00:56:09,616 --> 00:56:11,327
"Hello, Laurie,"
679
00:56:11,410 --> 00:56:13,621
really enunciating each word
680
00:56:13,704 --> 00:56:15,915
as if I'd also gone deaf.
681
00:56:17,541 --> 00:56:21,462
And they'd open the book.
"So, where were we? Oh, yes.
682
00:56:21,545 --> 00:56:24,046
'The gray rabbit
was hopping down the road,
683
00:56:24,131 --> 00:56:25,922
and guess where he went?"'
684
00:56:26,008 --> 00:56:28,129
Well, nobody knows.
685
00:56:28,886 --> 00:56:30,637
The farmer doesn't know.
686
00:56:30,721 --> 00:56:33,142
The farmer's wife doesn't know.
687
00:56:33,223 --> 00:56:34,812
Nobody knew where the rabbit had gone,
688
00:56:34,892 --> 00:56:37,813
but just about everybody seemed to care.
689
00:56:39,021 --> 00:56:40,562
Now before this happened,
690
00:56:40,647 --> 00:56:43,318
I'd been reading books
like Tale of Two Cities
691
00:56:43,400 --> 00:56:45,321
and Crime and Punishment,
692
00:56:45,402 --> 00:56:49,163
so the gray rabbit stories
were kind of a slow torture.
693
00:56:50,991 --> 00:56:53,330
Anyway, eventually, I did get on my feet,
694
00:56:53,410 --> 00:56:57,331
and for two years
I wore a huge metal brace.
695
00:56:57,414 --> 00:57:00,254
And I got very obsessed
with John F. Kennedy
696
00:57:00,334 --> 00:57:02,881
because he had back problems too.
697
00:57:02,961 --> 00:57:05,842
And he was the president.
698
00:57:07,758 --> 00:57:09,299
Much later in my life,
699
00:57:09,384 --> 00:57:12,555
when someone would ask
what my childhood was like,
700
00:57:12,638 --> 00:57:15,929
sometimes I would tell them
this story about the hospital,
701
00:57:16,016 --> 00:57:17,767
and it was a short way of telling them
702
00:57:17,851 --> 00:57:20,102
certain things about myself...
703
00:57:20,187 --> 00:57:22,768
how I had learned
not to trust certain people
704
00:57:22,856 --> 00:57:24,357
and how horrible it was
705
00:57:24,441 --> 00:57:27,192
to listen to long, pointless stories
706
00:57:27,277 --> 00:57:29,148
like the one about the gray rabbit.
707
00:57:31,865 --> 00:57:35,866
But there was always something weird
about telling this story
708
00:57:35,953 --> 00:57:40,004
that made me very uneasy,
like something was missing.
709
00:57:41,250 --> 00:57:44,041
Then one day,
when I was in the middle of telling it,
710
00:57:44,128 --> 00:57:46,629
I was describing the little rotisseries
711
00:57:46,713 --> 00:57:48,304
that the kids were hanging in.
712
00:57:49,550 --> 00:57:51,341
And suddenly,
713
00:57:51,426 --> 00:57:53,387
it was like I was back in the hospital,
714
00:57:53,470 --> 00:57:56,181
just exactly the way it had been.
715
00:57:56,265 --> 00:57:58,716
And I remembered the missing part.
716
00:58:00,727 --> 00:58:04,058
It was the way the ward sounded
717
00:58:04,148 --> 00:58:06,439
at night.
718
00:58:06,525 --> 00:58:08,936
It was the sounds of all the children
719
00:58:09,945 --> 00:58:12,526
crying and screaming.
720
00:58:14,366 --> 00:58:16,737
It was the sounds that children make
721
00:58:18,120 --> 00:58:19,661
when they're dying.
722
00:58:22,124 --> 00:58:24,171
And then I remembered the rest of it.
723
00:58:24,251 --> 00:58:26,922
The heavy smell of medicine,
724
00:58:27,004 --> 00:58:28,635
the smell of burned skin,
725
00:58:29,798 --> 00:58:32,549
how afraid I was.
726
00:58:32,634 --> 00:58:35,140
And the way some of the beds
would be empty in the morning,
727
00:58:35,220 --> 00:58:36,850
and the nurses would never talk about
728
00:58:36,930 --> 00:58:39,019
what had happened to these kids.
729
00:58:39,099 --> 00:58:40,680
They'd just go on making up the beds
730
00:58:40,767 --> 00:58:43,268
and cleaning up around the ward.
731
00:58:44,271 --> 00:58:46,022
And so the thing about this story
732
00:58:46,106 --> 00:58:50,187
was that actually I had only
told the part about myself.
733
00:58:50,277 --> 00:58:52,148
And I'd forgotten the rest of it.
734
00:58:52,237 --> 00:58:55,408
I'd cleaned it up,
just the way the nurses had.
735
00:58:57,201 --> 00:59:00,952
That's what I think
is the creepiest thing about stories.
736
00:59:02,289 --> 00:59:04,370
You try to get to the point
you're making...
737
00:59:04,458 --> 00:59:07,499
usually about yourself
or something you learned...
738
00:59:08,837 --> 00:59:13,128
and you get your story,
and you hold on to it,
739
00:59:13,217 --> 00:59:17,178
and every time you tell it, you forget it
740
00:59:18,764 --> 00:59:20,065
more.
741
01:02:14,106 --> 01:02:16,687
For two years after Lolabelle's death,
742
01:02:16,775 --> 01:02:18,896
I continued to get notifications
743
01:02:18,985 --> 01:02:21,986
from a Facebook account
I didn't even know she had.
744
01:02:25,033 --> 01:02:27,994
One of the things I did
to try to remember her
745
01:02:28,078 --> 01:02:30,999
was make huge paintings,
746
01:02:31,081 --> 01:02:33,872
imagining her 49 days in the bardo.
747
01:02:35,794 --> 01:02:39,005
Most of the paintings
were full of wind and noise
748
01:02:39,089 --> 01:02:42,720
and chaos and half-remembered songs.
749
01:02:45,429 --> 01:02:48,060
# You were there dressed as a cat #
750
01:02:48,140 --> 01:02:50,681
# Two French girls in Mexican hats #
751
01:02:50,767 --> 01:02:53,638
# Never knew you could dance like that #
752
01:02:55,564 --> 01:02:58,695
# Smoke was whirling I gave a shout #
753
01:02:58,775 --> 01:03:01,646
# And that was when the fire broke out #
754
01:03:03,488 --> 01:03:04,989
# I say uh-oh #
755
01:03:06,533 --> 01:03:08,914
# Another fire #
756
01:03:08,994 --> 01:03:10,585
# In dreamland #
757
01:03:11,538 --> 01:03:13,709
# Just another fire #
758
01:03:14,499 --> 01:03:16,210
# In dreamland ##
759
01:03:54,623 --> 01:03:56,834
They die in the winter in Chicago.
760
01:03:57,876 --> 01:03:59,997
The cold takes them away.
761
01:04:00,086 --> 01:04:02,957
It sweeps in off the lake,
and off they go.
762
01:04:03,048 --> 01:04:05,089
Has done for centuries now.
763
01:04:06,468 --> 01:04:09,049
Some of them died
in the stockyards in Chicago
764
01:04:09,137 --> 01:04:10,638
or in backyards
765
01:04:10,722 --> 01:04:16,022
full of rusted jungle gyms
and old stoves and snow.
766
01:04:16,102 --> 01:04:20,360
Some in overheated houses
out in the winter woods.
767
01:04:20,440 --> 01:04:22,529
Others in their duck blinds
768
01:04:22,609 --> 01:04:24,110
or in their leaking boats
769
01:04:24,194 --> 01:04:26,865
when they sank
in one of the icy Great Lakes.
770
01:04:28,782 --> 01:04:31,663
It was in the winter, last winter,
771
01:04:31,743 --> 01:04:33,623
when I heard that my mother was dying.
772
01:04:33,703 --> 01:04:37,210
And so I had to go,
and I was kind of worried.
773
01:04:37,290 --> 01:04:40,291
So I talked to Father Pierre,
who's a priest,
774
01:04:40,377 --> 01:04:42,668
a converted Egyptian Jew,
775
01:04:42,754 --> 01:04:45,385
a playboy who loves elegant things
776
01:04:45,465 --> 01:04:48,216
and has a book collection of 30,000 books.
777
01:04:49,803 --> 01:04:52,851
And he's such a smart guy, and so I said,
778
01:04:52,931 --> 01:04:57,182
"Listen, I have a really big problem.
779
01:04:57,269 --> 01:05:01,109
I'm going to see my mother,
and she's dying,
780
01:05:01,189 --> 01:05:03,610
but I don't love her."
781
01:05:06,319 --> 01:05:08,820
And Father Pierre said, "Okay.
782
01:05:08,905 --> 01:05:11,696
Well, just bring her some flowers
783
01:05:11,783 --> 01:05:14,664
and tell her you've always
cared about her."
784
01:05:14,744 --> 01:05:18,251
And I thought, "I can do that.
785
01:05:18,331 --> 01:05:22,712
Besides, you really don't want
to lie to someone who's dying."
786
01:05:24,045 --> 01:05:26,296
But when I got there,
787
01:05:26,381 --> 01:05:28,220
they were rushing her around in a gurney.
788
01:05:28,300 --> 01:05:30,091
And I didn't have time to get the flowers,
789
01:05:30,176 --> 01:05:32,257
and it was loud and confusing,
790
01:05:32,345 --> 01:05:34,256
and there wasn't a single moment to say,
791
01:05:34,347 --> 01:05:37,848
"You know, I've always cared about you."
792
01:05:39,853 --> 01:05:41,354
And then all of a sudden,
793
01:05:43,023 --> 01:05:44,524
she was dead.
794
01:05:50,947 --> 01:05:53,448
There's a Buddhist exercise
795
01:05:53,533 --> 01:05:55,494
called the mother meditation,
796
01:05:55,577 --> 01:05:58,368
and you use it
when you can't feel anything.
797
01:05:59,289 --> 01:06:02,210
You try to find a single moment
798
01:06:02,292 --> 01:06:05,382
when your mother truly loved you
799
01:06:05,462 --> 01:06:08,053
without a single reservation.
800
01:06:10,592 --> 01:06:12,843
And you focus on that moment.
801
01:06:16,723 --> 01:06:18,603
And then you imagine
802
01:06:18,683 --> 01:06:20,814
that you've been everyone's mother
803
01:06:22,103 --> 01:06:23,944
and they've been yours.
804
01:06:29,653 --> 01:06:32,404
And I looked and I looked for that moment,
805
01:06:32,489 --> 01:06:35,530
but it just kept slipping away.
806
01:06:38,662 --> 01:06:42,252
"So which way do we go? Thanks.
807
01:06:42,332 --> 01:06:43,833
No, it's been... It's been a...
808
01:06:43,917 --> 01:06:45,958
It's been a privilege, and you and your...
809
01:06:46,044 --> 01:06:47,545
and your family and...
810
01:06:49,130 --> 01:06:51,131
And just one more question.
811
01:06:53,635 --> 01:06:56,966
Did you ever really love me?"
812
01:07:02,769 --> 01:07:07,774
# I walk accompanied by ghosts #
813
01:07:19,219 --> 01:07:24,480
# I walk accompanied by ghosts #
814
01:07:47,522 --> 01:07:50,693
# My father with his diamond eyes #
815
01:07:51,735 --> 01:07:54,816
# His voice life-size #
816
01:07:55,947 --> 01:07:58,488
# He says, "Follow me #
817
01:08:01,327 --> 01:08:03,698
# Follow me" #
818
01:08:05,248 --> 01:08:08,629
# And I come sliding #
819
01:08:09,669 --> 01:08:13,340
# Where I've been hiding #
820
01:08:14,674 --> 01:08:18,475
# Out of the heart of a child #
821
01:08:34,569 --> 01:08:37,373
# Meet me by the lake #
822
01:08:38,386 --> 01:08:41,202
# Meet me by the lake #
823
01:08:41,993 --> 01:08:44,124
# I'll be there #
824
01:08:46,915 --> 01:08:49,496
# I'll be there ##
825
01:08:52,712 --> 01:08:54,300
We lived by a lake,
826
01:08:54,380 --> 01:08:56,881
and every winter it froze.
827
01:08:56,966 --> 01:08:59,757
We skated everywhere.
828
01:08:59,844 --> 01:09:03,643
One evening, I was coming home
from the movies,
829
01:09:03,723 --> 01:09:06,434
and I was pushing
my little brothers Craig and Phil
830
01:09:06,518 --> 01:09:08,479
in a stroller.
831
01:09:08,561 --> 01:09:11,442
I had decided to take them
over to the island
832
01:09:11,523 --> 01:09:14,024
to look at the moon
that was just coming up.
833
01:09:16,069 --> 01:09:18,320
But as we got close to the island,
834
01:09:18,404 --> 01:09:19,865
the ice broke
835
01:09:19,948 --> 01:09:22,869
and the stroller sank into the dark water.
836
01:09:24,577 --> 01:09:26,288
And my first thought was,
837
01:09:27,413 --> 01:09:29,794
"Mom's gonna kill me."
838
01:09:30,917 --> 01:09:34,038
And I remember
the knitted balls on their hats
839
01:09:34,128 --> 01:09:36,459
as they disappeared under the black water.
840
01:09:36,548 --> 01:09:38,009
So I ripped off my jacket
841
01:09:38,091 --> 01:09:39,842
and I jumped into the freezing water
842
01:09:39,926 --> 01:09:41,717
and dove down and got Craig
843
01:09:41,803 --> 01:09:45,014
and pulled him up
and threw him on the ice.
844
01:09:45,098 --> 01:09:48,389
Then I dove down again,
but I couldn't find the stroller.
845
01:09:48,476 --> 01:09:50,687
It had slipped down the muddy bank,
846
01:09:50,770 --> 01:09:52,691
further down under the ice.
847
01:09:53,606 --> 01:09:55,567
Then I dove in again,
848
01:09:55,650 --> 01:09:57,151
and I finally found the stroller,
849
01:09:57,235 --> 01:09:59,696
and Phil was strapped in,
and I ripped the strap off
850
01:09:59,779 --> 01:10:02,740
and pulled him out
and pushed him up onto the ice.
851
01:10:03,908 --> 01:10:07,039
Then I ran home, one twin under each arm,
852
01:10:07,120 --> 01:10:09,041
frozen and screaming.
853
01:10:09,122 --> 01:10:10,583
I ran in the door,
854
01:10:10,665 --> 01:10:12,876
and I told my mother what had happened.
855
01:10:12,959 --> 01:10:15,250
And she stood there and said,
856
01:10:18,256 --> 01:10:22,087
'What a wonderful swimmer you are.
857
01:10:22,176 --> 01:10:24,927
And I didn't know
you were such a good diver."
858
01:10:32,604 --> 01:10:34,734
And when I think of her now,
859
01:10:34,814 --> 01:10:39,745
I realize that was the moment
I had been trying to remember.
860
01:10:48,161 --> 01:10:49,792
"Tell the animals,"
861
01:10:50,705 --> 01:10:52,246
she said.
862
01:10:55,001 --> 01:10:57,092
"Tell all the animals."
863
01:11:03,676 --> 01:11:05,547
Is it a pilgrimage?
864
01:11:07,722 --> 01:11:09,393
Towards what?
865
01:11:41,798 --> 01:11:45,379
# She says, what do you call love? #
866
01:11:49,847 --> 01:11:51,558
# Well, I call it Harry #
867
01:11:54,268 --> 01:11:56,729
# Oh, please I'm being serious #
868
01:12:00,566 --> 01:12:02,817
# What do you call love? #
869
01:12:05,613 --> 01:12:11,581
# Well, I don't call it family
and I don't call it lust #
870
01:12:11,661 --> 01:12:16,042
# And as we all know,
marriage isn't a must #
871
01:12:16,124 --> 01:12:22,175
# And I suppose in the end,
it's a matter of trust #
872
01:12:22,255 --> 01:12:23,756
# If I had to #
873
01:12:24,590 --> 01:12:27,091
# I'd call love time #
874
01:12:32,598 --> 01:12:35,269
# She said, what do you call love? #
875
01:12:39,230 --> 01:12:42,191
# Can't you be more specific? #
876
01:12:44,193 --> 01:12:48,701
# What do you call love? #
877
01:12:48,781 --> 01:12:53,662
# Is it more than
the heart's hieroglyphic? #
878
01:12:56,581 --> 01:12:58,622
# Well, for me, time has no meaning #
879
01:12:58,708 --> 01:13:00,749
# No future, no past #
880
01:13:01,961 --> 01:13:04,052
# And when you're in love #
881
01:13:05,131 --> 01:13:08,012
# You don't have to ask #
882
01:13:08,092 --> 01:13:10,553
# There's never enough time #
883
01:13:10,636 --> 01:13:14,057
# To hold love in your grasp #
884
01:13:18,895 --> 01:13:21,216
# Turning time around #
885
01:13:38,287 --> 01:13:40,668
# Turning time around #
886
01:13:44,128 --> 01:13:46,509
# That is what love is #
887
01:13:49,634 --> 01:13:52,265
# Turning time around #
888
01:13:54,889 --> 01:13:58,060
# Yes, that is what love is #
889
01:13:59,352 --> 01:14:02,063
# My time is your time #
890
01:14:02,146 --> 01:14:04,817
# When you're in love #
891
01:14:04,899 --> 01:14:06,440
# And time is what #
892
01:14:06,526 --> 01:14:10,147
# You never have enough of #
893
01:14:10,238 --> 01:14:11,859
# You can't see or hold it #
894
01:14:13,533 --> 01:14:15,744
# It's exactly like love #
895
01:14:18,996 --> 01:14:21,334
# Turning time around #
896
01:14:24,581 --> 01:14:26,958
# Turning time around #
897
01:14:30,101 --> 01:14:32,601
# Turning time around #
898
01:14:35,058 --> 01:14:38,698
# Turning time around #
899
01:14:40,338 --> 01:14:43,857
# Turning time around #
900
01:14:44,236 --> 01:14:46,189
# Well, I gotta have it #
901
01:14:48,943 --> 01:14:51,194
# I got to, got to, got to have it #
902
01:15:05,084 --> 01:15:08,595
# Turning, turning time around #
903
01:15:10,923 --> 01:15:13,764
# Got to have it turning time around #
904
01:15:16,888 --> 01:15:20,309
# Turning, turning time around #
905
01:15:23,019 --> 01:15:25,270
# Turning time around ##68115
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