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1
00:00:09,592 --> 00:00:12,472
This is the story
of the greatest man
2
00:00:12,512 --> 00:00:15,472
to ever walk the earth,
3
00:00:15,515 --> 00:00:17,635
MacGruber.
4
00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:20,654
He was
a military secret weapon
5
00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:23,147
America's favorite son
6
00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:25,979
Doing whatever it takes
to keep the country safe
7
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:28,646
Been ripping throats out
just for fun
8
00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:31,275
His prowess
on the battlefield
9
00:00:31,322 --> 00:00:34,452
Was only equaled
in the sack
10
00:00:34,492 --> 00:00:36,792
He knew how to hump
and, baby, I should know
11
00:00:36,828 --> 00:00:39,078
I was his wife
so I humped him back
12
00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:40,462
Wow.
13
00:00:40,498 --> 00:00:42,668
But our marriage
lasted seven seconds
14
00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,299
'Cause at the altar
as we pledged our love
15
00:00:45,337 --> 00:00:48,377
I was blown up
by MacGruber's nemesis
16
00:00:48,423 --> 00:00:50,763
The piece of shit named
Dieter von Cunth
17
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:53,350
Then a bunch
of fucking years later
18
00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:56,386
Cunth hijacked
a nuclear bomb
19
00:00:56,431 --> 00:00:59,141
Well, Mac assembled a team
that was hungry and mean
20
00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:02,354
But they exploded in a van
21
00:01:02,395 --> 00:01:04,475
A backup team
was assembled
22
00:01:04,522 --> 00:01:07,282
Dixon Piper was
his right hand man
23
00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:09,987
And my best friend
Vicki St. Elmo
24
00:01:10,028 --> 00:01:12,738
Joined MacGruber
and they formed a plan
25
00:01:12,781 --> 00:01:15,621
But while they were
on the mission
26
00:01:15,658 --> 00:01:18,368
Mac and Vicki
both developed a crush
27
00:01:18,411 --> 00:01:21,001
They tracked down Cunth
and blew his compound up
28
00:01:21,039 --> 00:01:23,459
And in their spare time,
they boned a bunch
29
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:25,000
Their relationship
30
00:01:25,043 --> 00:01:26,543
Progressed super quickly
31
00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:29,546
They were the love
of each other's life
32
00:01:29,589 --> 00:01:32,339
And after more flirting
MacGruber was certain
33
00:01:32,384 --> 00:01:35,144
And he asked Vicki
to be his wife
34
00:01:35,178 --> 00:01:37,638
But just when you thought
everything was safe
35
00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:40,641
Cunth came back
from the dead
36
00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:42,814
And just like me,
he tried to kill Vicki
37
00:01:42,852 --> 00:01:45,942
On their motherfuckin'
wedding day
38
00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:48,780
But MacGruber fought hard
and killed that fucker
39
00:01:48,817 --> 00:01:51,317
And threw him off a cliff
40
00:01:51,361 --> 00:01:52,781
Then using Piper's gun
41
00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:54,571
Mac shot Cunth
full of holes
42
00:01:54,614 --> 00:01:56,954
And then pissed on
his smoldering corpse
43
00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:59,911
So spread the words,
ya frickin' turds
44
00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:02,293
MacGruber is the man
45
00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:05,500
Now you're all caught up
and you can watch the show
46
00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:08,342
Send complaints
to this woman Susanne
47
00:02:24,227 --> 00:02:27,557
Go get it, Bailey.
48
00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:32,744
Nightingale is secure.
49
00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:36,740
She's all good,
Mr. President.
50
00:02:36,781 --> 00:02:39,371
Thanks, Ronnie.
Hey, grab a cookie.
51
00:02:39,409 --> 00:02:41,039
John, are you gonna
come help me
52
00:02:41,077 --> 00:02:44,207
or am I gonna have to decorate
this whole tree all by myself?
53
00:02:44,247 --> 00:02:46,707
I'm sorry, hon.
I-I gotta finish up
54
00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:49,290
a little light reading
from the Joint Chiefs.
55
00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:50,836
Bah humbug.
56
00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:58,432
North Pole, Santa speaking.
57
00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:01,640
Hello, Mr. President.
58
00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:03,311
Who the hell is this?
59
00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:07,194
Bailey...
60
00:03:07,228 --> 00:03:10,318
Bailey!
61
00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:14,817
You take from me,
I take from you.
62
00:03:17,113 --> 00:03:18,113
Lucy.
63
00:03:21,117 --> 00:03:22,947
Bailey?
64
00:03:37,133 --> 00:03:39,223
Go, go, go!
65
00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:19,514
MacGruber
66
00:04:30,186 --> 00:04:31,686
Are you sure about this, sir?
67
00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:33,610
No, Major, I'm not.
68
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:35,688
This son of a bitch
is our only hope.
69
00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:38,574
And what if he says no?
70
00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:41,281
Then God help us.
71
00:04:45,702 --> 00:04:48,082
He's been in and out
of the special housing unit
72
00:04:48,121 --> 00:04:49,581
since he got here.
73
00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:52,172
He's what we like to call
a "problem inmate."
74
00:04:52,208 --> 00:04:53,668
Why is that?
75
00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:55,500
Let's just say...
76
00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:57,835
he doesn't play well
with others.
77
00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:04,894
Shit.
78
00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:06,929
Fuck it.
Just leave it, man.
79
00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:08,563
I'll go get it.
80
00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:17,861
Are you trying
to steal my ball?
81
00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,691
See, it's on my side
of the yard,
82
00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:22,026
so, the way I see it,
83
00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:24,992
this is my ball now.
84
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:28,203
Good news is,
I'm gonna let you keep it.
85
00:05:28,244 --> 00:05:29,874
The bad news?
86
00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:32,463
I'm gonna shove it up your ass.
87
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:35,039
Do you like things up
your ass, boy?
88
00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,495
Huh?
I said,
89
00:05:36,544 --> 00:05:38,304
do you like
things up your ass?
90
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:39,958
I like things in my butt.
91
00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:47,057
What the fuck you just say?
92
00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:51,312
Thought I was speaking
pretty clearly.
93
00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:59,026
I said,
"I like things in my butt."
94
00:06:00,777 --> 00:06:02,237
So why don't you
leave the kid alone
95
00:06:02,278 --> 00:06:05,238
and come put your little
rubber ball up inside me?
96
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:12,163
Did you hear that,
you fucking piece of shit?
97
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:15,245
You got a death wish, man?
Why, are you a genie?
98
00:06:15,291 --> 00:06:18,171
No, I'm the guy who's gonna
pound your fucking face in.
99
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:21,131
Nice to meet you, guy who's
gonna pound my fucking face in.
100
00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:22,672
My name is let the kid go
101
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:25,386
or I'll kill you
and all your fucking friends
102
00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:27,137
Love Hewitt.
103
00:06:27,178 --> 00:06:30,768
But, hey, we're getting off
track here, bud.
104
00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:33,057
You got a perfectly nice ball,
105
00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:35,811
and I have a desire
to have that ball up my butt.
106
00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:38,064
So I guess
the only question is:
107
00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:41,686
are you gonna jam it up
there or am I?
108
00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:46,450
Lucky me.
109
00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:12,472
We done here?
110
00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:15,475
Hit him!
111
00:07:22,025 --> 00:07:24,065
God damn it, Pierce.
Shut this down now.
112
00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:27,660
Yes, sir.
Wait a minute, son.
113
00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:30,117
I'd like to see this.
114
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:38,792
Pretty satisfying
main course so far.
115
00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:41,293
Hope you saved room
for dessert.
116
00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:43,506
Or should I say... dis dirt!
117
00:07:59,354 --> 00:08:01,194
Throat rip!
Throat rip, throat rip!
118
00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:03,401
Is this what you want?
119
00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:06,191
Yeah!
Is it?
120
00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:07,236
Shut it down.
121
00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:14,293
Sorry, bud, but for you,
122
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,707
that's all she throat.
123
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:24,383
Open 104.
124
00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:38,561
Well, well, well.
125
00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:40,851
If it isn't my old friend,
126
00:08:40,895 --> 00:08:43,105
Lieutenant Colonel
Barrett Fasoose.
127
00:08:43,148 --> 00:08:45,688
It's General Fasoose now.
128
00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:49,114
Sorry, General.
129
00:08:49,154 --> 00:08:50,704
Who's the cherry?
130
00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:54,369
Major Harold Kernst, NSA.
It's an honor to meet you, sir.
131
00:08:54,409 --> 00:08:57,409
Save the fuckin'
Boy Scout shit for someone
132
00:08:57,454 --> 00:08:59,914
who gives a flying funk.
133
00:08:59,956 --> 00:09:01,826
I'll cut to the chase.
134
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,535
We need you, MacGruber.
135
00:09:03,585 --> 00:09:05,245
Of course you do.
136
00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:07,335
The government is prepared
to release you from prison,
137
00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:10,340
restore your pension,
and grant you a full pardon.
138
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:11,933
Oh, a full pardon!
139
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:14,048
You mean, for a crime
I didn't commit?
140
00:09:14,095 --> 00:09:15,345
You killed an unarmed man
141
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:17,558
in front of 75 people
at your own wedding.
142
00:09:17,599 --> 00:09:19,059
Unarmed?
143
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:22,100
He shot a rocket-propelled RPG
at our wedding pagoda!
144
00:09:22,145 --> 00:09:23,265
You could've just
arrested him.
145
00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:24,943
Instead you threw him
off a cliff,
146
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:25,981
riddled him with bullets,
147
00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,534
and urinated on his corpse.
148
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,647
Cunth deserved everything
he got, and you know that.
149
00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:32,025
Well, the jury
felt differently.
150
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:33,952
Well, fuck the fucking jury.
151
00:09:33,990 --> 00:09:35,950
Look, Mac,
I understand you're angry,
152
00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:37,872
but we're offering you
a way out here.
153
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,831
And this one comes
all the way from the top.
154
00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:44,134
The President?
155
00:09:44,167 --> 00:09:45,997
Oh, my God.
156
00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:49,514
I-I've been waiting
for this day for ten years.
157
00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:51,257
Oh, my God, I'm a free man.
158
00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:53,179
There's a catch.
159
00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:56,759
It's a suicide mission, Mac.
160
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:01,480
Major, give us a second.
161
00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:03,648
Sir.
162
00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:10,147
In exactly 46 hours,
163
00:10:10,193 --> 00:10:12,743
there's going to be
a hostage exchange.
164
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:14,159
And I'm the hostage.
165
00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:16,487
The kidnappers
requested you specifically.
166
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:18,163
Flattering.
167
00:10:18,201 --> 00:10:21,161
They left this as
some kind of calling card.
168
00:10:21,204 --> 00:10:23,754
Said it would explain
your death sentence.
169
00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:29,796
Look familiar?
170
00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:35,337
Never seen it before.
171
00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:37,675
Shame, 'cause this is
all we've got.
172
00:10:37,721 --> 00:10:40,141
Well, sucks to be you.
173
00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:42,181
Look, super tempting offer,
174
00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:43,515
but it's a hard pass.
175
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,690
Mac, it's not for me.
It's for your country.
176
00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:48,940
Oh, for my country, huh?
177
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:51,862
Let me tell you a little
something about my country.
178
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:54,151
I risked my life
for my country.
179
00:10:54,195 --> 00:10:56,735
I saved her from
a fuckin' nuclear holocaust.
180
00:10:56,781 --> 00:10:58,871
And what did my country
do for me?
181
00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:00,198
Destroyed my marriage,
182
00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:02,373
took a dump
in my reputation's mouth,
183
00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:04,712
and caged me
like a wild animal.
184
00:11:04,748 --> 00:11:07,748
So fuck my country!
185
00:11:07,792 --> 00:11:09,842
And fuck you.
186
00:11:17,010 --> 00:11:19,720
Merry Christmas, MacGruber.
187
00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:28,265
Merry Christmas.
188
00:11:33,068 --> 00:11:37,698
Happy birthday to you
189
00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:43,076
Happy birthday to you
Open it.
190
00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:52,205
Happy birthday,
dear MacGruber
191
00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:55,133
Down now!
192
00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:57,383
Mommy!
193
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:16,441
One flannel shirt.
194
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:18,106
One tan vest.
195
00:12:18,154 --> 00:12:20,034
One pair of denim jeans.
196
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,033
One wedding ring, gold.
197
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:23,985
One pair of sunglasses.
198
00:12:24,035 --> 00:12:25,575
One locket, gold.
199
00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:27,870
One car stereo, Blaupunkt.
200
00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:30,584
Sign on the line.
201
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:50,443
Who let the dog out?
202
00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:55,981
This way, MacGruber.
203
00:12:56,026 --> 00:12:57,436
You wish.
204
00:12:57,485 --> 00:12:59,235
Sir, we have
strict instructions
205
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:01,489
to take you straight
to NSA headquarters.
206
00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:02,531
Well, I'm sure you do.
207
00:13:02,574 --> 00:13:06,164
I'm afraid
this isn't a request.
208
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:15,499
Look...
209
00:13:15,545 --> 00:13:17,755
I have one day left
on this Earth.
210
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,917
One fucking day.
211
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:22,836
Please let me
go say my goodbyes.
212
00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:25,176
Sorry.
My hands are tied.
213
00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:29,517
I understand.
214
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,734
Shit. Shoelaces.
215
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:48,575
Damn it.
Call it in.
216
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,956
Threat assessment.
217
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:57,961
Awareness, detection, response.
218
00:13:58,004 --> 00:13:59,134
Always be on the lookout,
219
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,012
because if you're not
on your game,
220
00:14:01,049 --> 00:14:03,179
that's you in a body bag.
221
00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:05,178
So to recap,
222
00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:06,640
U-turns are okay
at an intersection
223
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,220
unless a sign
explicitly prohibits it.
224
00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:14,773
Any other questions on U-turns?
225
00:14:14,813 --> 00:14:16,363
I have a question.
226
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,068
What the hell
are you doing here?
227
00:14:20,110 --> 00:14:22,360
What happens if
you've, uh, done something
228
00:14:22,404 --> 00:14:25,284
that you regret
with all your heart?
229
00:14:25,323 --> 00:14:27,833
Something that made one of
your most dependable allies
230
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,657
lose faith in you.
231
00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:31,203
Is it possible to, uh,
232
00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:35,286
U-turn in that situation?
233
00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:37,883
Like, say you murdered someone.
234
00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:39,589
Someone who deserved it.
235
00:14:39,629 --> 00:14:42,129
And then in court,
you got really scared,
236
00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:44,383
like shit your pants scared.
237
00:14:44,426 --> 00:14:46,216
So you pinned some of
the blame on your friend--
238
00:14:46,261 --> 00:14:48,721
who did throw you
the murder weapon, by the way.
239
00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:51,983
But then that friend got kicked
out of the military,
240
00:14:52,017 --> 00:14:53,477
was forced
to teach traffic school
241
00:14:53,518 --> 00:14:55,188
to a bunch of fuckin' losers
242
00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:56,728
'cause his life
went down the toilet.
243
00:14:56,771 --> 00:14:59,111
Could that friend ever
244
00:14:59,149 --> 00:15:01,229
U-turn his feelings
245
00:15:01,276 --> 00:15:03,066
toward that friend
who fucked his life,
246
00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:05,161
if that friend--
the first friend,
247
00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:07,656
the accused murderer--
248
00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:10,039
was as sorry as
the sorriest person
249
00:15:10,076 --> 00:15:12,786
ever in the history
of the universe?
250
00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:18,383
Hello, Piper.
251
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:21,378
Class dismissed.
No, not dismissed.
252
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,921
Wait, Piper.
Piper, bud!
253
00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:26,465
Look, I blew it,
with a capital B.
254
00:15:26,509 --> 00:15:29,389
Blew it?
You ruined my life.
255
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:31,429
You took away everything
I'd been working toward
256
00:15:31,473 --> 00:15:32,723
and threw it in the garbage.
257
00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:34,596
Yeah, and then I went
to jail, dude.
258
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:35,692
So did I!
259
00:15:35,727 --> 00:15:37,267
Five years for aiding
and abetting.
260
00:15:37,312 --> 00:15:39,482
And now, thanks to you,
I'm a convicted felon
261
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:41,362
and I'll never work
in the military again.
262
00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:43,569
No.
For sure, you won't.
263
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:46,240
And I apologize
with my whole heart,
264
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:47,489
base to tip,
265
00:15:47,530 --> 00:15:50,240
so you have to forgive me.
266
00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:54,203
No, MacGruber.
I will never ever forgive you.
267
00:15:56,915 --> 00:15:59,785
Never ever say never ever.
268
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:04,261
Remember I said
that to you once?
269
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:07,257
And you said it back to me
a couple days later?
270
00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:11,724
Come here.
271
00:16:11,763 --> 00:16:13,643
Fuck you, MacGruber.
272
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:38,332
Al Green took you
to the river
273
00:16:38,373 --> 00:16:42,133
Berlin took
your breath away
274
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:46,973
The Eagles took it
to the limit
275
00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:49,337
Janis Joplin
276
00:16:49,384 --> 00:16:55,104
Took another little piece
of your heart
277
00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:59,060
But I
278
00:16:59,102 --> 00:17:00,942
Don't wanna take
279
00:17:00,979 --> 00:17:03,689
I wanna give
and I wanna live
280
00:17:03,732 --> 00:17:06,362
And I forgive
your primitive
281
00:17:06,401 --> 00:17:08,491
And pre-emptive attempt
to shake
282
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,238
And bake the rake
283
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,360
That held my guard
and take
284
00:17:11,406 --> 00:17:13,196
Vicki.
Your heart
285
00:17:13,241 --> 00:17:15,661
But you left me like a mess
286
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:18,252
Oh, I confess,
I failed the test
287
00:17:18,288 --> 00:17:20,708
To bless my quest
to be the best
288
00:17:20,749 --> 00:17:23,499
To win your heart
which was a part
289
00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:26,503
Of the start of my art
which turned me upside down
290
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:29,006
A frowning clown
all around the town
291
00:17:29,049 --> 00:17:32,139
Who wore a crown
and made the sound of
292
00:17:32,177 --> 00:17:34,137
What the fuck is this?
Shh.
293
00:17:34,179 --> 00:17:37,519
The bubbles small and tall
and heeded the call
294
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:39,677
And went to the mall
with Lauren Bacall
295
00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:42,516
And the late Lou Rawls
and a Cabbage Patch doll
296
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,652
And then in the bar,
in the car
297
00:17:44,689 --> 00:17:46,479
With a star ate a Larabar
298
00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:47,864
With a pirate, arr
299
00:17:47,901 --> 00:17:50,451
And I met a robot
whose name was Bobot
300
00:17:50,487 --> 00:17:53,197
And we shared a loquat
on a tropical donut
301
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:55,579
I love to shove
above the dove
302
00:17:55,617 --> 00:17:57,987
Wearing oven gloves
with Hilary Duff
303
00:17:58,036 --> 00:18:01,076
But then Jimmy Buffett
took the tuffet
304
00:18:01,122 --> 00:18:02,372
From Little Miss Muffet
305
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:03,785
And he told her
to stuff it
306
00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:06,133
Oh, what a good time
with a friend of mine
307
00:18:06,169 --> 00:18:09,009
And we started to rhyme
and it flowed like wine
308
00:18:09,047 --> 00:18:10,547
And it went like this
309
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:12,720
Back hair, fair, tear,
share, Nair, hair
310
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,639
Stare, lair,
dare, pear, mare
311
00:18:14,678 --> 00:18:17,468
Mohair, kiss, piss,
tis, list, wiz, this
312
00:18:17,514 --> 00:18:19,774
Shiz, Liz, yes, yes,
this, biss, liss
313
00:18:19,808 --> 00:18:23,138
Doesn't have to exist
if you say it with zest
314
00:18:23,186 --> 00:18:25,556
There's no rhyme or reason
315
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:28,395
'Cause you don't need
a reason
316
00:18:28,441 --> 00:18:31,571
To run all the time
317
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:35,281
Lime, slime, by mine
318
00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:38,033
I love you, friend
319
00:18:38,076 --> 00:18:40,406
I love you, lover
320
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:46,423
I love
321
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:48,879
Love
322
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:51,723
Thank you.
323
00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,546
That's too much.
Thank you.
324
00:18:53,591 --> 00:18:54,801
Fuckin' good.
325
00:18:54,843 --> 00:18:56,933
I'd listen to that
on the radio.
326
00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:59,390
Okay, give it up for
327
00:18:59,431 --> 00:19:02,101
Victoria St. Elmo Fasoose.
328
00:19:06,938 --> 00:19:08,438
You liked it?
Outstanding.
329
00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:09,771
Oh, my gosh!
Are you sure?
330
00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:11,566
Outstanding.
Oh, I was so nervous.
331
00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:13,239
It wasn't too short?
No.
332
00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:14,448
Oh, my gosh,
I was so nervous.
333
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:17,487
You were great.
334
00:19:30,128 --> 00:19:32,798
Oh, oh, yes.
335
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:34,799
Oh, right there.
Oh, that's amazing.
336
00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:36,761
Oh, my king!
So close, so close.
337
00:19:36,801 --> 00:19:38,471
So close.
Oh, you are my king!
338
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:42,181
So close, so close.
Close, close, oh. Oh.
339
00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:52,066
Oh, you're my king.
Oh.
340
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,159
Bravo.
341
00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:03,451
MacGruber?
342
00:20:03,495 --> 00:20:06,535
Oh. Oh!
343
00:20:06,581 --> 00:20:10,001
Hope I wasn't
disturbing anything.
344
00:20:10,043 --> 00:20:11,503
God damn it.
345
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:13,514
Where the hell
have you been, MacGruber?
346
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,086
Half of D.C.
is looking for you right now.
347
00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:18,261
Relax, I'm gonna do
your stupid ass mission.
348
00:20:18,301 --> 00:20:20,351
Maybe you've forgotten
how things work.
349
00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:23,387
Remember protocol?
Chain of command?
350
00:20:23,431 --> 00:20:26,981
God damn it, we expected you
at Langley this afternoon!
351
00:20:27,018 --> 00:20:29,308
And I expected me
to be married forever.
352
00:20:29,354 --> 00:20:32,114
But my first wife got blown up
at the goddamn altar
353
00:20:32,148 --> 00:20:34,358
and my second wife
left me to rot in prison
354
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:35,991
and is currently fucking
some shit-dick
355
00:20:36,027 --> 00:20:38,357
who can barely get her off
in the sack three times.
356
00:20:38,405 --> 00:20:40,275
So, sorry to break it
to you, General,
357
00:20:40,323 --> 00:20:44,043
but things don't always go
as planned, do they?
358
00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:46,367
Do they?
359
00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:52,416
It must've been hard to see.
360
00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:54,000
And hear
361
00:20:54,045 --> 00:20:56,005
and smell.
362
00:20:56,047 --> 00:20:59,717
Look, Mac, you were given
a life sentence.
363
00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:01,389
Victoria had to move on.
364
00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:07,060
Maybe I shouldn't have come.
365
00:21:07,100 --> 00:21:08,600
Where the hell you think
you're going?
366
00:21:08,643 --> 00:21:10,023
Don't worry.
I'll be there.
367
00:21:10,061 --> 00:21:11,861
Mac, my ass
is on the line here--
368
00:21:11,896 --> 00:21:14,606
And my life is on the line!
369
00:21:14,649 --> 00:21:17,569
I'll be there.
370
00:21:24,242 --> 00:21:25,912
And, look,
371
00:21:25,952 --> 00:21:29,582
I don't mind that you put
your penis in Vicki's vagina,
372
00:21:29,622 --> 00:21:34,382
but put it in her heart too.
373
00:21:34,419 --> 00:21:35,999
You got it, Mac.
374
00:21:44,971 --> 00:21:47,141
So this is it?
375
00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:51,389
Barrett told you.
376
00:21:51,436 --> 00:21:52,896
Enough to know
that this might be
377
00:21:52,937 --> 00:21:54,807
my last chance to say goodbye.
378
00:21:54,856 --> 00:21:57,856
Well, my country
has invited me to die for it,
379
00:21:57,901 --> 00:22:00,611
and I RSVP'd, "Yas queen."
380
00:22:00,653 --> 00:22:02,033
Uncle Sam told you to jump
381
00:22:02,072 --> 00:22:04,282
and you go get
your jumping shoes.
382
00:22:04,324 --> 00:22:06,914
Classic MacGruber.
383
00:22:06,951 --> 00:22:08,501
You don't have to do this.
384
00:22:08,536 --> 00:22:11,036
And what else do I have
to live for, huh?
385
00:22:11,081 --> 00:22:13,461
A fucking concrete cell?
386
00:22:15,919 --> 00:22:19,129
Anyway, I just wanted
to see you one last time
387
00:22:19,172 --> 00:22:22,302
before I, uh, went away.
388
00:22:24,386 --> 00:22:27,846
Look, Vic...
389
00:22:27,889 --> 00:22:29,769
I made some mistakes.
390
00:22:29,808 --> 00:22:30,888
Are you referring to when
you blamed me
391
00:22:30,934 --> 00:22:32,194
for Cunth's death
at your trial?
392
00:22:32,227 --> 00:22:33,517
Yes.
And you tried to persuade
393
00:22:33,561 --> 00:22:34,811
the jury
that it was premeditated
394
00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:36,154
and I planned
the whole thing?
395
00:22:36,189 --> 00:22:37,689
Uh, uh, yes.
And then when you
396
00:22:37,732 --> 00:22:39,232
pushed for
the death penalty for me?
397
00:22:39,275 --> 00:22:41,275
Look, we're getting
in the weeds here.
398
00:22:41,319 --> 00:22:43,949
I'm not proud of what I did.
399
00:22:43,988 --> 00:22:45,868
But if it's any consolation,
400
00:22:45,907 --> 00:22:49,907
I thought about you every
single second I was in jail.
401
00:22:49,953 --> 00:22:53,623
And I understand why you never
came to visit or called.
402
00:22:53,665 --> 00:22:56,575
And I truly accept
your apology.
403
00:22:56,626 --> 00:23:00,006
I didn't apologize.
Thanks.
404
00:23:00,046 --> 00:23:04,336
And, look, Barrett,
he's a good man.
405
00:23:04,384 --> 00:23:06,014
And just know, I don't mind
406
00:23:06,052 --> 00:23:09,262
that he puts his penis
in your vagina.
407
00:23:09,305 --> 00:23:13,305
But I hope that he puts it
in your heart too.
408
00:23:13,351 --> 00:23:16,021
I just told him that but I
wanted you to hear it as well.
409
00:23:18,273 --> 00:23:20,693
Good tidings, Vicki.
410
00:23:20,734 --> 00:23:22,694
And I mean that.
411
00:23:22,736 --> 00:23:25,026
The very best of tidings
to you.
412
00:23:49,679 --> 00:23:54,229
Time, it needs time
413
00:23:54,267 --> 00:23:58,057
To win back
your love again
414
00:23:58,104 --> 00:24:00,984
I will be there
415
00:24:02,942 --> 00:24:06,112
I will be there
416
00:24:08,907 --> 00:24:13,327
Love, only love
417
00:24:13,370 --> 00:24:17,330
Can bring
back your love someday
418
00:24:17,374 --> 00:24:20,384
I will be there
419
00:24:22,003 --> 00:24:24,963
I will be there
420
00:24:32,263 --> 00:24:33,603
Everyone, listen up.
421
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:35,680
This is our red zone.
422
00:24:35,725 --> 00:24:39,345
A hundred square miles of open
desert with zero ground cover.
423
00:24:39,396 --> 00:24:41,686
The enemy will allow
one vehicle only
424
00:24:41,731 --> 00:24:43,861
into our red zone, but we will
have eyes in the sky.
425
00:24:43,900 --> 00:24:45,690
That means,
triggers off fingers
426
00:24:45,735 --> 00:24:47,275
unless ordered otherwise.
427
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:50,240
We need to be on our toes,
people,
428
00:24:50,281 --> 00:24:52,991
'cause these are
some bad-ass hombres
429
00:24:53,034 --> 00:24:55,584
and they have come to play.
430
00:24:55,620 --> 00:24:59,790
Why don't you just let them
finger your butt hole, General?
431
00:24:59,833 --> 00:25:01,043
MacGruber.
432
00:25:01,084 --> 00:25:02,674
Nice of you to show up.
433
00:25:02,711 --> 00:25:04,671
You remember your butt hole,
don't you?
434
00:25:04,713 --> 00:25:07,093
It's right around the corner
from the balls and penis
435
00:25:07,132 --> 00:25:09,302
that were pumping
my wife last night.
436
00:25:09,342 --> 00:25:12,222
Mac, this isn't the time
or the place.
437
00:25:12,262 --> 00:25:14,432
You listen here, General.
438
00:25:16,766 --> 00:25:18,726
I'm kidding, bud.
439
00:25:20,895 --> 00:25:22,015
'Sup, gang?
440
00:25:22,063 --> 00:25:23,863
MacGruber here.
441
00:25:23,898 --> 00:25:27,028
The general's in a committed
relationship with my ex-wife
442
00:25:27,068 --> 00:25:29,898
and last night,
I gave them my consent.
443
00:25:29,946 --> 00:25:31,446
And I meant that, Barrett.
444
00:25:31,489 --> 00:25:33,159
Look, I'm sorry
for interrupting.
445
00:25:33,199 --> 00:25:34,529
I believe you're at the part
446
00:25:34,576 --> 00:25:36,286
where you were just about
to explain
447
00:25:36,327 --> 00:25:38,907
why you don't just let them
finger your butt hole.
448
00:25:38,955 --> 00:25:40,535
Kidding. Continue.
449
00:25:40,582 --> 00:25:41,922
Thank you.
450
00:25:41,958 --> 00:25:43,078
The attack on POTUS
451
00:25:43,126 --> 00:25:44,536
was a highly
coordinated strike,
452
00:25:44,586 --> 00:25:47,416
using advanced TTP
and E&E capabilities.
453
00:25:47,464 --> 00:25:50,434
So it's likely that our enemy
is ex-military.
454
00:25:50,467 --> 00:25:52,677
Now, the exchange is set
for oh eight hundred.
455
00:25:52,719 --> 00:25:55,809
That's, uh, 8 a.m. o'clock.
Eight o'clock a.m.
456
00:25:55,847 --> 00:25:58,267
That's correct.
Ante meridiem.
457
00:25:58,308 --> 00:26:01,268
That's, uh, what a.m.
stands for.
458
00:26:01,311 --> 00:26:03,191
Right.
I'd always wondered
459
00:26:03,229 --> 00:26:04,309
what it stood for,
and so that's it.
460
00:26:04,356 --> 00:26:05,936
You know, I looked it up.
461
00:26:05,982 --> 00:26:07,782
Yeah.
462
00:26:07,817 --> 00:26:09,397
Continue.
463
00:26:09,444 --> 00:26:11,704
E7 Davidson will lead
Fire Team Bravo
464
00:26:11,738 --> 00:26:14,658
to the red zone where
the packages will be exchanged.
465
00:26:14,699 --> 00:26:16,199
Make no mistake, people,
this will be
466
00:26:16,242 --> 00:26:18,542
the most important
rescue mission of your lives.
467
00:26:18,578 --> 00:26:20,868
And I wanna thank Mac
for his sacrifice.
468
00:26:20,914 --> 00:26:22,714
I know it wasn't
an easy decision.
469
00:26:22,749 --> 00:26:24,169
You mean the decision
470
00:26:24,209 --> 00:26:27,049
to get killed by terrorists
and be dead forever?
471
00:26:27,087 --> 00:26:29,877
Yes.
Well, you know--
472
00:26:29,923 --> 00:26:32,803
Ain't nothing but a MacG thing.
473
00:26:32,842 --> 00:26:35,642
But that's the life we chose.
474
00:26:35,679 --> 00:26:37,849
Death is our job.
475
00:26:37,889 --> 00:26:41,179
And I know that every man
or woman in this god damn room
476
00:26:41,226 --> 00:26:43,226
would make the same
god damn decision
477
00:26:43,269 --> 00:26:47,729
that I made 11 times
out of god damn 10.
478
00:26:47,774 --> 00:26:50,444
And yeah, it's brave,
and it's commendable,
479
00:26:50,485 --> 00:26:52,485
and it's patriotic as shit,
480
00:26:52,529 --> 00:26:55,449
but it's also contagious
like the clap.
481
00:26:55,490 --> 00:26:58,990
Because bravery begets bravery.
482
00:26:59,035 --> 00:27:01,365
And yeah, this time, it's me.
483
00:27:01,413 --> 00:27:05,963
But next time, it might be you.
484
00:27:06,001 --> 00:27:07,961
Or you.
485
00:27:08,003 --> 00:27:14,433
Or you. Or you. Or you.
Or you. Or you. Or you.
486
00:27:14,467 --> 00:27:17,217
Or you. You get the point.
487
00:27:17,262 --> 00:27:21,182
Or you. Or you.
488
00:27:21,224 --> 00:27:24,774
Or you. Or you. Or you. Or you.
489
00:27:24,811 --> 00:27:25,981
You see what I'm saying?
490
00:27:26,021 --> 00:27:27,901
Could be anyone of us.
491
00:27:27,939 --> 00:27:29,019
It could be you in the back.
492
00:27:29,065 --> 00:27:30,685
I haven't even looked
in the back.
493
00:27:30,734 --> 00:27:32,194
Could be you in the suit.
494
00:27:32,235 --> 00:27:34,195
You with the thinning hair.
495
00:27:34,237 --> 00:27:35,447
Double chin.
496
00:27:35,488 --> 00:27:36,698
Looking at frumpy dump
right there.
497
00:27:36,740 --> 00:27:37,870
It could be you.
498
00:27:37,907 --> 00:27:39,617
It could be anybody.
499
00:27:41,995 --> 00:27:47,075
But this time, it's me.
500
00:27:47,125 --> 00:27:49,285
This guy.
501
00:27:51,087 --> 00:27:55,047
Please tell people I did this.
502
00:28:13,943 --> 00:28:15,743
Thank you.
503
00:28:42,931 --> 00:28:44,471
Entering red zone.
504
00:28:44,516 --> 00:28:46,936
Bravo Team,
you're on your own.
505
00:29:01,366 --> 00:29:02,946
Fire Team Bravo in position.
506
00:29:02,992 --> 00:29:04,292
Copy that, Bravo Team.
507
00:29:04,327 --> 00:29:06,287
Set the asset
and hold tight for package.
508
00:29:17,257 --> 00:29:19,337
Death, be not proud,
509
00:29:19,384 --> 00:29:21,724
though some have called thee.
510
00:29:21,761 --> 00:29:23,891
Mighty and dreadful,
511
00:29:23,930 --> 00:29:27,100
but thou art not so.
512
00:29:27,142 --> 00:29:31,442
For those who--thou--
513
00:29:31,479 --> 00:29:37,399
uh, who, thou, dost, uh
514
00:29:37,444 --> 00:29:42,284
for--for those doust--
515
00:29:42,323 --> 00:29:44,413
Fuck.
516
00:29:44,451 --> 00:29:49,331
John Donne. John Donne.
517
00:29:49,372 --> 00:29:50,422
It's been an honor--
518
00:29:50,457 --> 00:29:51,827
Eyes on target.
519
00:29:54,002 --> 00:29:56,302
Vehicle approaching from
the southwest.
520
00:30:12,479 --> 00:30:14,939
Who are you,
you son of a bitch?
521
00:30:17,067 --> 00:30:23,987
Walk.
522
00:30:24,032 --> 00:30:25,332
Stop.
523
00:30:30,663 --> 00:30:33,213
Take off your clothes.
524
00:30:33,249 --> 00:30:34,919
Pardon?
525
00:30:34,959 --> 00:30:39,509
Take off your clothes.
526
00:30:39,547 --> 00:30:44,217
But, uh--can we talk
about this for a moment?
527
00:30:44,260 --> 00:30:46,220
Do it or the hostage dies.
528
00:31:12,330 --> 00:31:13,420
Underwear, too.
529
00:31:18,420 --> 00:31:20,590
Underwear, too.
530
00:31:36,563 --> 00:31:38,153
Hands on your head.
531
00:31:38,189 --> 00:31:41,229
Oh, come on. Ha, ha, ha.
532
00:31:41,276 --> 00:31:43,236
Five, four...
533
00:31:43,278 --> 00:31:45,068
Three, two...
534
00:31:45,113 --> 00:31:46,113
But I--
535
00:31:46,156 --> 00:31:47,526
Fine, fine!
536
00:31:47,574 --> 00:31:49,454
Fuckin' perv!
537
00:32:01,087 --> 00:32:02,507
Turn around.
538
00:32:13,016 --> 00:32:16,186
What? It's super fucking cold
out here!
539
00:32:16,227 --> 00:32:17,557
Friggin' desert.
540
00:32:34,371 --> 00:32:36,331
What the fuck?
541
00:32:36,373 --> 00:32:39,253
You guys traded me
for a fucking dog?
542
00:32:39,292 --> 00:32:41,502
Oh, you son of a bitch,
Fasoose!
543
00:32:41,544 --> 00:32:43,674
You fuckin' piece of shit!
544
00:32:43,713 --> 00:32:46,553
Oh, and the president's
a piece of shit, too.
545
00:32:46,591 --> 00:32:49,091
Fuck him and his stupid wife
546
00:32:49,135 --> 00:32:53,255
and your stupid piece
of shit daughter.
547
00:32:53,306 --> 00:32:54,846
Oh, oh, Jesus. It was a--
548
00:32:54,891 --> 00:32:56,391
Okay, it was the daughter too.
549
00:32:56,434 --> 00:32:58,354
Sorry about my language.
550
00:32:58,395 --> 00:32:59,595
Target acquired.
551
00:33:05,568 --> 00:33:07,028
We got her, Mr. President.
552
00:33:07,070 --> 00:33:09,700
General, thank you.
553
00:33:09,739 --> 00:33:12,159
Why don't you stay
for a little bit?
554
00:33:24,254 --> 00:33:26,844
Okay, light him up.
555
00:33:26,881 --> 00:33:28,631
But, sir,
what about MacGruber?
556
00:33:28,675 --> 00:33:30,505
I'm not gonna let
America's finest soldier
557
00:33:30,552 --> 00:33:33,892
give up his god damn life to
a group of god damn terrorists,
558
00:33:33,930 --> 00:33:38,060
so take the shot.
559
00:33:38,101 --> 00:33:40,561
Is that clear, Major?
560
00:33:40,603 --> 00:33:42,233
Yes, sir.
561
00:33:45,275 --> 00:33:48,775
Eagle One, engage target.
562
00:33:48,820 --> 00:33:50,610
Roger that.
563
00:33:50,655 --> 00:33:52,735
Command, command--
564
00:33:52,782 --> 00:33:54,742
Something's wrong
with the controls. We can't--
565
00:33:54,784 --> 00:33:56,834
God damn it, take the shot.
566
00:33:56,870 --> 00:33:58,330
We can't, sir. They're
interfering with the signal.
567
00:33:58,371 --> 00:34:00,331
We lost visual.
568
00:34:00,373 --> 00:34:01,583
Damn it.
569
00:34:19,142 --> 00:34:21,102
No.
570
00:34:21,144 --> 00:34:23,404
No, it's not possible.
571
00:34:26,191 --> 00:34:27,481
Queeth?
572
00:34:27,525 --> 00:34:29,985
Hello, MacGruber.
39394
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