Original subtitles

‐ Previously on "Resident Alien"... ‐ I need to go home.

‐ You're taking me home, right?

‐ Ahh!

‐ Harry, you can't fix it.

‐ I have to. If I do not, I am stuck here.

‐ If someone sees this,

then things will get worse for you.

‐ What's that? ‐ A survival kit.

‐ Botulinum is injectable.

Maybe all he or she would need to do is inject a toxin

into a single insulin vial.

Both the boot and the foot were found in the same area.

What if they fought inside,

and then Harry threw dead foot guy

through the front doors?

‐ And I throw you in the lake.

‐ Looks like we might have a new prime suspect.

‐ You didn't complete your mission.

They'll just send someone else to kill everyone for you.

‐ Everyone, including Asta?

‐ She's a human, so yes.

‐ This cannot happen.

♪ ♪

Hello?

Asta?

Hello?

♪ ♪

Asta?

♪ ♪

Where is everybody?

♪ ♪

Asta?

♪ ♪

D'arcy?

♪ ♪

Ahh!

D'arcy. What happened to you?

‐ You...

Sorry‐‐you let me die.

You let us all die, big bummer.

‐ Asta.

‐ Way too late for her.

‐ No, not Asta.

‐ She's dead because of you.

‐ I have to help her.

‐ Help her what, get a better burial site?

Come on, I mean, she's at the top of the hill.

It's as good as you can get.

I'm down by the pond and geese.

I'll just say that.

So feeling bad yet?

'Cause you should.

‐ I have to save her. Asta!

♪ ♪

Asta, Asta!

Asta!

♪ ♪

‐ Scary.

♪ ♪

‐ I did some digging.

In 2015 and '16, Dr. Vanderspeigle was working

at St. Helens Hospital in New York,

so I left a message, to get some background on him.

‐ Hold on. What is this I'm seeing?

‐ Did he come out?

‐ No, it's like some kind of hawk in a tree

over there ripping apart a mouse or some shit.

It is nasty.

Mother Nature takes no prisoners, Deputy.

‐ Can I look? ‐ That's a no‐go.

What if he comes out and kills somebody during the handoff?

Go ahead and twizzle me.

Okay, all right.

Here comes our not‐so‐good doctor right now.

What's he doing with all them buckets of dirt?

That's a lot of dirt right there.

‐ Maybe he's burying something under the cellar,

or someone.

♪ ♪

‐ Man, that's enough dirt for like five adults,

or maybe three adult bodies, and five children,

and maybe two jockeys.

Speaking of jockeys,

when was the last time you saw Todd Campbell?

‐ My dentist? ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Are you suggesting he's a jockey?

‐ Well, the man's short, he's bowlegged,

and he wears stripes.

That's a goddamn jockey.

Why you want him drilling in your damn teeth

I'll never know.

♪ ♪

‐ Summertime. My people love the cold.

But this body certainly prefers these warm days.

The smell of flowers,

the sound of bugs rubbing their legs together

for mating season.

It is more peaceful.

‐ Whoo! ‐ Yeah!

‐ Ah, whoo!

‐ Whoo!

‐ Yeah, baby!

‐ I hate this place.

‐ Are you looking for a better place to go this summer?

Hi, I'm Mayor Mitch.

Summer's just around the corner,

and I can't wait to welcome you to Jessup, Colorado,

the safest town around.

Come taste our world‐famous mountain spring water.

We have the most pristine lakes in Colorado,

perfect for boating and swimming,

and if you love fishing,

we have five varieties of trout

and zero varieties of dead human feet.

When people disappear in Jessup,

it's in our world‐famous corn maze,

so if you're out of patience,

and you just want to have some fun, come visit us.

'Cause here in Jessup the only murder you'll see is onstage

at our summer Shakespeare festival.

‐ Cool.

I'm just gonna put some cyanide in my coffee and call it a day.

‐ This is pathetic.

You've been digging for a week.

You wouldn't have to do any of this

if you had just gone home like you were supposed to.

‐ I could not go home with that kid on board.

I could never get him past customs.

‐ Yeah, that's why there's an eject button.

That kid's body should have

been a shooting star over Texas.

‐ You don't know anything about space.

You are a Colorado octopus.

‐ Is that where we are? Shit.

I thought this was India. That is an Indian rug.

You are appropriating their culture.

That's not a good look, man.

‐ I saw it at a red tag sale for $5.

I had to buy it.

Plus, I think it really brings the room together.

‐ Listen to you.

you‐‐that's a great price, by the way.

You're becoming one of them. Look how human you are.

You're even vulnerable to your own people's attack.

‐ I am not because I will cut a hole in your octopus body

and wear you as a protective octo‐suit

when they come to eradicate all human life.

‐ Wow, is this how you treat a house guest?

Then I'm glad I didn't get you a gift.

♪ ♪

‐ Who has touched this?

♪ ♪

That little shit bucket.

♪ ♪

Okay, little dickhead. Play with my alien technology.

You deserve what's going to happen to you.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

‐ Oh, oh, wow. Whoa, whoa.

Whoa! Whoa.

♪ ♪

‐ With my people coming to kill everyone on Earth,

I will need a bunker to survive.

I will fix it up and present it

to Asta as her new home.

We will live,

and all the beer‐drinking douchebags can fry.

♪ ♪

‐ Have a good day. ‐ Thanks. ‐ Oh, Ben. ‐ Yeah?

‐ Are you serious? She cannot be the new doctor.

‐ Dr. Smallwood is a wonderful physician.

You know, she was part of the first stream of women

to graduate from Harvard medical school.

‐ Yeah, in the 1940s.

‐ Years of experience.

‐ Are you the little girl with the broken arm?

‐ No, I'm still the nurse.

Your patient is down that hallway.

‐ Thank you, dear.

‐ Hello there, Dr. Smallwood. It's nice to see you again.

‐ Hello, I know a Hawthorne when I see one.

‐ Ah, top of her game, as always.

‐ Send my best to your twin brother, the mayor.

Tell him I think he's doing a dynamite job.

‐ I will do that.

‐ Can you please tell Dr. Ethan to come back?

‐ He texted me.

There was a family emergency. He can't come back.

‐ What am I supposed to do? I'm here all alone.

‐ She's very experienced. ‐ Asta, Asta, come on.

Let's go. Time's a‐wasting.

‐ Sorry, D'arce. I can't leave.

Dr. Smallwood just started, and it's pretty rough.

‐ Dr. Smallwood? What are you talking about?

She's been dead for like 30 years.

‐ Hello.

‐ Oh, God, ghost. ‐ I just saw your brother.

‐ Look, it'll be fine. Ellen's here.

Please go enjoy your day off, okay?

Mayor's orders.

‐ Yeah, let's get the heck out of here before she starts

crawling around on the ceiling on all fours.

Come on. ‐ Okay, okay.

I'll get my things.

‐ Have you‐‐is it supposed to rain tomorrow still?

‐ Why are you acting so weird?

‐ What? ‐ Oh, my God.

Are you uncomfortable because you kissed me last week?

‐ Wow, just gonna shout that in public.

That's wonderful.

It was actually you who kissed me.

‐ Oh, no siree, no. That's not how it went down.

‐ It is how it went down. ‐ You want me to reenact it?

‐ Look, I'll be you, you be me, and I'll kiss you.

grab your butt, and show you how you did it.

Come on. Come on over here.

‐ No, no. ‐ I'll demonstrate.

‐ Very funny. ‐ That's how you were.

‐ Not gonna happen. ‐ You were like‐‐

‐ No. ‐ Handy.

Oh, you're touching my butt. You're touching my butt.

‐ Nope. ‐ You're touching my butt.

‐ I didn't touch her...

‐ Oh, I love the new sign, by the way.

♪ ♪

‐ I want this person arrested.

‐ You even know who did it?

‐ Pretty obvious, mayor of Jessup.

Didn't you see his anti‐Patience ad?

‐ Yeah, it's horrible.

Ooh, looking forward to the corn maze though.

‐ Oh, me too, I heard a rumor, back in the '70s, a kid

got lost in it for two weeks and had to eat his friend.

‐ Oh.

‐ Now, see, that's a goddamn good maze.

‐ Sure, kids eating kids is fine in Jessup.

We find one foot in our lake,

suddenly people think our town isn't safe.

‐ Brutal murder of a town doctor didn't help.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Yeah.

Well, and the next doctor disappearing.

I mean, people just don't vanish.

‐ Kidnapper's still on the loose.

‐ And the whole sign's coming down.

‐ Soon all of this will be over.

Their unending consumption and gluttony will be done,

and Asta and I will be safe in the bunker.

But if everyone is gone,

who will keep the bunker clean?

I hate cleaning,

and from the look of Asta's car,

she's a real piglet.

‐ More coffee? ‐ Great.

‐ Maybe Asta's giant father could be

in the bunker with us.

He can cook and clean,

and his aftershave smells like fryer grease.

No, it wouldn't work. They are father and daughter.

They may turn against me and make me their servant.

‐ You look tired. ‐ I am.

My dreams have turned evil.

‐ Sounds like a nightmare,

mind's way of working out fear or guilt.

So what's going on, Harry?

‐ I'm building a bunker to save Asta

from a total extinction event, and I'm going to lock you out

and then sweep up your ashes with a dustpan.

Nothing.

♪ ♪

‐ You know, we really need this.

We work way too hard.

‐ You're actually supposed to be working today, D'arce.

‐ Well "Load" was supposed to be Metallica's comeback album,

but life comes at you fast.

‐ Can you at least take these sandwiches

down to the VIP group in Sheep's Meadow?

And please don't moon the tour groups.

‐ You got it, and we'll see.

‐ Ready to go.

‐ ♪ Simplicity, simplicity ♪

♪ Definitely becomin' me, becomin' me ♪

‐ Yeah, baby, whoo!

Dead ahead! ‐ Dead ahead!

Whoo!

‐ ♪ New name on an old face, a place I can escape ♪

♪ All the noise, all the noise ♪

‐ Hold still. You're gonna get cut.

‐ I always knew I was very mature for my age.

I'm not trying to brag, but I've had BO for a year.

‐ You're not mature.

You still laugh at scatological humor.

‐ What's that?

Poop jokes.

Poop. ‐ Wake up.

This happened to you because you went to space.

‐ I don't think that's how space works.

‐ Well, it's definitely not how puberty works,

so what else could it be?

‐ I have no idea.

♪ ♪

‐ Hey, guys.

I brought you some toaster strudel and fruit punch.

‐ It's okay, Mom. We're not hungry.

‐ No thank you.

My mom said if you offered me any junk food,

I should say no because it will slowly kill me.

‐ Okay.

Not junk, tasty snacks.

What the hell?

♪ ♪

‐ ♪ Oh, I'm sailing away my own true love ♪

‐ And we're gonna take things down a notch

by mellowing out with the closing track

from Asta's junior year birthday mix.

Start with a party, end with a vibe.

That's what I always say on KPRJ radio.

‐ Kind of describes that year in general.

‐ Why?

♪ ♪

‐ ♪ From the place where I'll be landing ♪

‐ Right, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have put it on‐‐

‐ No, no, it's good.

I listened to this song a million times

while I was pregnant with Jay.

I think she liked it, too. She'd always kick.

‐ I should have been there.

Me, not just some stupid playlist.

‐ What do you mean? You didn't even know.

♪ ♪

‐ But I should have.

I wish you would have told me.

I would have come running.

I just don't like secrets.

‐ I hope you know the only reason

I would ever keep anything from you is

'cause I don't want to dump shit on you.

‐ What are you keeping from me?

‐ What?

Nothing.

♪ ♪

I'm talking about Jay.

♪ ♪

You know, you were training in Europe.

I knew, if I told you, you would leave.

I didn't want you ruining your life, too.

‐ I'm sorry, ruin my what? I have a great life, Asta.

I just watched my best friend take a piss

off the side of my boat.

It's awesome.

♪ ♪

‐ Hey. ‐ Not working today?

‐ Nah, D'arcy rescued me from the clinic,

took me to the lake.

‐ Yeah?

I hope you wore a life jacket, maybe two.

♪ ♪

‐ What, why?

‐ You're the only one keeping that alien from taking us out.

Anything happens to you, everybody on Earth is dead.

Do you think this blue is too dark?

‐ I can't help that I'm Harry's only friend.

‐ Maybe he should have some more.

We're a great town.

If he can't see the value of humans here,

then maybe we should become extinct.

‐ ♪ I was reaching to the sky ♪

♪ ♪

‐ What's he eating? ‐ Not sure.

Chowder?

Whatever it is, he just dipped his pie in it.

‐ Pie and chowder?

That's the meal of a serial killer.

Watch this.

You want to understand a murderer,

you gotta get inside his food head.

Jay.

‐ Yeah?

‐ I'll have what Dr. V. is having,

the exact same order.

‐ Are you sure? ‐ Exact same.

If he got a fly in his thing, I want a fly in mine,

but put the fly on the side though

'cause I don't eat no flies.

They walk on shit.

‐ Okay.

‐ Now Max Hawthorne and his girlfriend

just walked in and sat across from him.

‐ Really?

Oh, what are they doing? Can you tell what they saying?

‐ I think Dr. V. just said,

"I don't eat with space pirates."

‐ What?

‐ I like your face.

I see you took the trampoline to the ceiling fan store.

‐ You know it's not from a fan store.

He had a full‐grown beard. ‐ Hmm.

‐ Obviously, your spaceship

caused gravitational time dilation.

‐ Obviously.

‐ Obviously, your pea‐sized brain

is very lonely in that cavernous skull of yours.

These idiots have no idea his hormone irregularity

was caused by the alien technology he stole.

‐ It's incredibly rude.

‐ I'm sorry. I wasn't listening.

I was calling you an idiot in my head.

I have a question.

‐ Uh...

"What kind of toilet would Asta like

to poop in in a bunker?"

That can't be right. ‐ Come on, Deputy.

I thought you took a lipreading workshop.

‐ I could only afford the first three classes,

but I get lots of practice at family gatherings.

My grandma talks a lot of shit about me.

‐ We're not answering any of your questions

until you help him.

‐ Okay, I will help him

if you stand on your seats and shout, "I just farted."

‐ I'm not your puppet.

‐ I'll do it. I'll be your puppet.

‐ No, not you.

You obviously want to do it.

That's why it has to be her.

‐ Apple pie and plain oatmeal.

Extra, extra, extra milk. No flies.

Enjoy.

‐ He's a damn psychopath.

‐ I just farted!

‐ Max said, "I just‐‐" ‐ I heard that.

I heard that part.

‐ Oh, now the kids are leaving. Oh, wait.

Asta just came in.

‐ Like musical chairs in here.

‐ You are late. I finished eating without you.

‐ I think you'll survive.

‐ I prefer to eat with you. You order a lot of food.

I like to forage off of your plate.

‐ Well, maybe you should try foraging off

someone else's plate, hm?

I'm like your only friend.

‐ I need only one friend.

And one bunker butler, but I'm working on that.

Maybe that one.

No, she looks like she may leave hair

on the wall of the shower.

‐ I think you should spend more time

with some other people in town.

‐ I have met all the other people in town.

They are annoying flesh monkeys.

‐ Okay, come on. You got it.

Here we go.

Hey, Liv. ‐ Hi.

‐ Sheriff, Harry would like to join your weekly poker game.

‐ Oh, really? Huh.

‐ Asta said I do, so I do.

‐ Oh, you know what, Dr. Vanderspeigle?

That'd be real nice.

It'd give us a chance to get to know one another.

‐ Okay. You going to finish that?

‐ No, go right ahead. ‐ Thank you.

‐ You see that?

Now, I don't know no normal man that eat that much pie.

I don't care how good it is.

‐ This, too, eh? I mean, thank you.

‐ Okay, players. Game is Texas hold 'em.

Tournament style, $20 buy‐in. Quarter for the small blind.

50¢ for the big blind. There are only three rules.

No spitting, no crying, and no funny business.

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

‐ I am glad I am here.

This game will give me a chance

to audition more potential helpers for our bunker.

Is anybody here worth saving?

‐ All right, well, let's get this show on the road.

‐ ♪ This is a raid ♪

‐ Oh, and everybody welcome Harry who says

he knows how to play.

I call bullshit, but he's a rich doctor,

so I'm gonna take him for all he's worth

and buy a new pair of roller skates.

‐ I know how to play.

I spent 15 minutes on YouTube to master this silly game,

and I mostly just watched videos of a dog named Tuna.

‐ Oh, careful there.

This card table is actually a Hawthorne family heirloom.

‐ Wish there was a story about the table.

‐ Are you shitting me... ‐ John.

‐ Right now? ‐ Oh, there is actually.

It once belonged

to my two‐times great grandfather Dickie Hawthorne.

He built‐‐ ‐ Why?

‐ The first saloon here in Patience.

Burned down in the great fire of '91,

but old Dickie, he risked his life

to save this very table that we're playing on tonight.

‐ Didn't three people die in that fire?

‐ Four.

‐ The thing to focus on, I think,

is that the table is here.

It should actually be in the town museum,

but someone keeps on taking it out.

‐ We should probably just kiss and make up.

‐ She's kidding. We're‐‐I'm very‐‐

‐ We kiss a lot though, so it's weird.

‐ In high school, we dated briefly.

‐ Yeah, and recently, we made out.

She's kidding.

‐ ♪ This is a raid so put your hands up ♪

♪ We're gonna win this ♪

♪ Take the mon‐mon‐money, this is a raid ♪

‐ What about this one?

Maybe he has use to me in the bunker?

‐ Can you cook? ‐ Sure, I cook every night.

‐ Pie? ‐ Vegetables.

Raw, if I can, for the nutrients.

‐ I‐‐ ‐ Like to eat healthy stuff.

‐ Pass.

I would rather just fill the bunker with bales of hay.

Time to separate the boys from the men from the girls.

‐ ♪ This is a raid ♪

‐ Risk taker, interesting.

‐ I'll raise. Better be careful.

Don't want you to go broke again.

‐ Broke? What you talking about?

‐ Rumor has it our doctor lost all his money six years ago.

Tried to sell his cabin to my uncle.

‐ I did not sell my cabin.

‐ Yeah, you backed out of the deal,

which is why I'll enjoy taking all your money tonight.

No one can figure out

how you managed to hang on to that place.

‐ You getting all this? ‐ I'm getting it.

‐ Anybody got some gum?

‐ No, no, no, no, no.

‐ I can sure use a piece of gum.

I had an onion sandwich.

It's in everybody's best interest.

‐ Don't mind me.

I'm just gonna rake in this pile of chips here.

The good news is when I do win, all of this money

is going into making a Patience tourism commercial.

♪ ♪

This little guy, huh?

♪ ♪

‐ Oh, my. ‐ There it is.

‐ The mayor can transmogrify matter.

He must be part Anunnaki.

Maybe Mayor Snowflake lives.

His skill could be useful in the bunker

if there's a stray rodent or a clogged toilet.

‐ ♪ Put your hands up in the air ♪

♪ Take the mon‐mon‐money ♪

‐ Question.

In your medical opinion, you know,

as far as safety goes,

how long can someone choke a person during sex?

♪ ♪

‐ Pass.

‐ We can talk Tuesday about it.

♪ ♪

‐ ♪ This is a raid ♪

‐ All right, Deputy. I'm in the men's room.

All clear, go ahead and give me a double honk,

so I know you still hear everything all right.

Okay, listen.

We need to find out more about this cabin

and Harry's money problems, so I need you

to find the realtor that was handling the deal.

And then we need to set up an undercover recon mission.

Do you copy?

Okay, good.

Deputy, it's time for a little unofficial sheriff's business,

so you might want to get off this channel

for just a couple minutes.

‐ Candle equipment.

‐ That's not a real IOU. Your candles are garbage.

‐ Well, five stars on Etsy, Ellen.

I think the general public would disagree.

‐ Yeah, I have one. It's rotten bathrobe scent.

‐ That's cardamom.

‐ Don't you usually keep your bets under a quarter?

‐ Yes, I do, John, but I need to make this commercial.

And with these cards, I cannot lose.

‐ You lose. ‐ So do you.

Thanks for your money.

You can keep your bathrobe candle.

♪ ♪

‐ How did that happen?

No, I was supposed to win!

‐ Oh, my God!

♪ ♪

‐ Should have kept that in the museum, bro.

‐ Your grandfather's table is crap.

Now, undercover work is all about the backstory, right?

So let's just take a minute to get ours straight, okay?

Now, my name is Justin Preacher, all right.

You're my wife, Mrs. Justin Preacher, okay.

Now, I was a starting pitcher for the Atlanta Braves

until I tore my ACL back in 2007,

but I transitioned right into sports broadcasting,

was an overnight sensation for an Atlanta affiliate,

and we moved out here because I just got a lucrative contract

for a satellite radio station nearby.

I'm also a licensed pilot, and I'm a horse rancher.

‐ Huh, okay, quite a life. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ And me? ‐ Oh, you?

You got the most important job in the world.

You a stay‐at‐home mom

to our three kids Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.

Actually, you know what? Scratch that.

Now, I wasn't gonna say nothing,

but you looking a little tired.

Probably got like five kids.

Ooh, this is nice.

‐ Well, hello there. I am Bonnie Shaw.

I'm showing the house today. ‐ Hi.

‐ Justine Preacher. How do you do?

I'm a big‐time sports broadcaster.

This is my cute, little husband Mr. Preacher.

He stays at home with our five kids.

And that's why he looks so tired.

‐ Wow, let's take a look at the kitchen first, Mr. Mom.

It's every homemaker's dream. Come on.

‐ Yeah, well, I'm also a licensed helicopter pilot,

and I put out fires with swimming pool water.

‐ Well, you must be busy.

‐ This is nice,

but we were looking for something a little more rustic.

Do you know anything about that red cabin off of Cove Road,

over in Patience?

It's got a private beach. We saw it online.

‐ It's funny you should ask. That's the Vanderspeigle cabin.

I listed that myself a couple years ago,

and it's off the market right now,

but sometimes, owners can be convinced.

You know, honestly, the doc who owns it,

he might be a little bit of work.

He's a real mystery.

‐ So you know him?

‐ Oh, honey,

knowing everything about my clients is my business.

‐ I like that.

♪ ♪

‐ Hey. ‐ Hey.

‐ How's it going?

‐ It's all right. I'm just waiting for my mom.

She's shopping for towels.

‐ Oh, cool, so what's new?

‐ I got my driver's license. ‐ Whoa.

‐ I can't really parallel park for shit, but...

‐ Me neither. ‐ Jay.

Honey, why don't you go start the car?

You can drive us home. ‐ Cool.

Later. ‐ Later.

‐ I always wondered if I would ever meet Jay's birth mother.

I wanted to someday, but reuniting a child

with her birth parent is up to the child.

You know that, right?

‐ Um...

I'm sorry. What I did was wrong.

It's just there she was, you know, like, at the clinic

asking for work‐study, and, well, I crossed a line.

I just really wanted to help her.

‐ I will never stop Jay from wanting to be in your life,

but she has to be the one to cross the street, not you.

♪ ♪

‐ I know.

‐ Okay.

♪ ♪

‐ So six years ago, he puts his cabin on the market

'cause he needs the money.

‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Only to turn around and pay the whole damn thing off

in cash one week later?

‐ Half a million in cash.

‐ That's some shady shit right there.

‐ Do you think he's a contract killer?

‐ Now, that's a good guess.

Man, ain't no honest man

got that much liquid just laying around.

Hell, I only got 90K in the bank,

and that's just for emergencies.

‐ 90,000?

That's‐‐seems like a lot.

‐ Eh.

‐ Is there a problem, Deputy?

‐ Oh, it just needs a new starter.

My mechanic can do it for parts,

but I don't have the $65.

‐ Oh.

Well, you know, I was probably rounding up to that 90 anyway.

It's probably somewhere like, I don't know, 85, 87.

Just enough for a rainy day.

‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ Okay, I'ma get out and push.

I think it's cool

you're gonna make a commercial for Patience.

‐ Yeah, maybe if I show some pretty pictures

of our town, people will want to come visit.

‐ They already do. ‐ Hm?

‐ My friend Scott said all his California cousins

want to come here this summer to see dead bodies.

‐ What? ‐ Wait, or a murder.

Hey, maybe I can play a dead guy in your commercial.

‐ No, no dead guys.

Max, Patience is a beautiful and safe‐‐very safe town.

There are no dead bodies here.

‐ And this is where our town doctor

was brutally murdered by his wife.

The doctor who replaced him went missing,

but we expect his body to turn up any day now.

Oh, don't forget to enter the corpse raffle.

‐ What the hell is this? ‐ Look, everyone.

It's our town mayor, Ben Hawthorne.

Great‐great‐grandson of Dickie Hawthorne

who died the day the mine collapsed,

but not with his fellow miners.

No, Dickie called in sick that day.

His wife found him in the whorehouse

and shot him in the face.

‐ I'm related to him. ‐ No, just an old rumor, buddy.

Old rumor, not true.

‐ We're walking. Come on.

Take your pictures if you'd like.

♪ ♪

‐ Come on. Let's get a move on, Deputy.

‐ Sir, you're not gonna believe who just returned my call.

St. Helens Hospital said Dr. Vanderspeigle was disciplined

after they found him in a lab he wasn't authorized to be in.

And do you know what they kept stored there?

‐ What? ‐ Botulinum toxin.

‐ Are you shitting me? Damn.

We might have put the wrong person behind bars.

‐ Looks like it's time to talk to Dr. Vanderspeigle.

‐ Yeah.

‐ But first, I have to drop off this dry cleaning.

‐ What?

Justice doesn't wait for no dry cleaning.

‐ It's half‐price Tuesdays.

‐ This is some shit here.

‐ People, stay together. We have a lot to see.

‐ Oh, my God.

‐ Oh, another special treat today.

Here we have the Patience sheriff

who single‐handedly put the wife of Sam Hodges in jail.

Rumor has it she's close to death in her prison cell,

rats waiting to feast on her killer corpse.

We're walking. Bye, handsome.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

‐ You're listening to 102.6,

and we have a special listener request on the line.

What do you want us to play?

‐ Hey, I'd like you to play The Breeders' "Off You"

for my best friend Asta,

and tell her, if she needs me, I'll always come running.

‐ Wait, I know this voice. D'arcy?

D'arcy?

No, this Sasha. Hello, yes.

‐ Yeah, D'arcy. We dated for five months.

I think I know your voice, and the night we broke up

you stole six bottles of wine out of my fridge.

‐ I don't have no stealing wine.

Only vodka, so okay. Play song for best friend.

‐ Jesus. ‐ And then go.

‐ Fine. Here's The Breeders I guess.

♪ ♪

‐ ♪ I land to sail, island sail ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah, we're movin' ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Yeah, we're movin' ♪

♪ ♪

‐ Harry?

♪ ♪

Hello?

What's the big surprise?

♪ ♪

Harry?

♪ ♪

Harry?

♪ ♪

Harry?

♪ ♪

What the hell is this?

‐ My survival shelter and your new home.

You can choose the rugs.

♪ ♪

‐ Why do you have a fallout shelterunder your house?

‐ I built it for us, so that we can be safe

when my people come to kill everyone.

‐ What?

‐ Oh, I forgot to tell you.

My people are coming to kill everyone.

‐ When?

‐ Octopus thinks it may be a matter of weeks.

Whoops.

‐ Hello again, stupid human.

‐ God, I hate when you do that.

‐ The bathroom will be over here

if they come before I get a real toilet,

we can use this bucket.

It is unisex.

Oh, and I am getting a cow if I can figure out

how to get it through the opening.

‐ You're joking, right? ‐ You are right.

The opening is too small.

I may get a baby cow and raise it.

‐ Harry, this is not okay.

This was all supposed to be over with.

Why are your people coming?

‐ They are‐‐how did you put it?

‐ Oh, it was "eager to fry all you Earth pigs."

‐ That.

‐ I can't do this. No, no, no.

You expect me to live underground with you for weeks?

‐ Oh, no. It will be at least a year.

I know that you like the out‐of‐doors.

I painted you a window.

You can enjoy the beautiful Colorado scenery.

♪ ♪

Feel the breeze.

Those are dead people.

That is the stupid boy.

You cannot see his frown because my brush was too thick.

‐ Nope, this isn't happening. I'm not doing it.

I'm not living in a hole in the ground with you

and that octo‐thing.

‐ Oh, wait.

‐ Well, that's fine with me.

You think I want to spend the next year

watching you shit in a bucket?

‐ Shh‐shh!

‐ Huh.

‐ Don't go. It will be fun.

Octopus knows so many cuttlefish jokes.

They are so stuck up.

‐ You're not taking me seriously.

‐ Pizza.

‐ You have to do something about this,

and hiding us underground for a year isn't it.

You're an alien. You know, phone home.

Call them, and tell them not to come.

‐ Did I tell you that we are going to have all 20 seasons

of "Law & Order" to watch?

‐ Oh, God.

I would rather die than be on this planet with just you.

‐ Rude. ‐ You don't get it.

So what, I'm just supposed to come out after the apocalypse,

and everyone I know is dead?

I'm here all alone?

‐ Also rude.

‐ I'm talking about my family. What about Dad and D'arcy?

What about Jay?

God, no. Don't you understand?

I can't live here if I have to live without all of them.

So there you go, call them,

and tell them not to come, or I will just die.

‐ I know what this is.

You are bluffing, like in poker.

♪ ♪

‐ No, I'm not!

I would rather stand under your stupid planet's death ray

and explode into a million pieces

than spend one second in that hole with you.

‐ She is good at bluffing.

I could possibly contact them,

but I want to kill all the bags of douches.

It is my turn to bluff.

♪ ♪

It's impossible. I cannot contact them.

‐ Now you're bluffing.

‐ I am bad at bluffing.

‐ Okay, okay. I'll call your bluff.

♪ ♪

If you don't mind that I die, good.

‐ What are you doing? ‐ I think I'll take a bath.

♪ ♪

‐ You are not really going to electrocute yourself.

♪ ♪

‐ I've got the toaster all plugged in.

Whoo, nice and warm. Really good way to go out.

Call it off, Harry.

‐ I told you I cannot.

I do not like this game. The stakes are too high.

You are not really in the bathtub.

If the toaster is plugged in,

it is because you are making toast.

Asta.

♪ ♪

You didn't bring the bread.

♪ ♪

This is very dangerous.

‐ Then agree to call your people.

‐ Okay.

♪ ♪

It went straight to voicemail.

♪ ♪

‐ Goodbye, Harry.

♪ ♪

See?

I knew you didn't want me to die.

You just took your damn time showing it.

‐ Of course I do not want you to die.

I will try to build a radio to contact my people.

Be careful getting out of the tub.

Don't slip.

‐ Coming from you, that's a very sweet thing to say.

‐ I'm going to go eat pizza now.

♪ ♪

‐ I'm just gonna keep knocking.

I got hands that can knock all day.

Dr. V., open up.

We know you're in there. We need to speak with you.

Don't make us come back with a search warrant.

♪ ♪

Hello, Asta, need to speak

with Dr. Vanderspeigle about that severed foot.

‐ He's not here.

‐ Look, don't lie to me.

We saw him eating pizza through the window when we rolled up.

‐ I'm not lying.

‐ Asta, I'm telling you this as a friend.

Harry is not who you think he is.

He could be dangerous. Please don't protect him.

‐ Uh...

Maybe come back later?

‐ Look, if I have to arrest you

for obstruction of justice, I will.

Talking about some "come back later."

Shit! What the hell is this?

Hold on.

♪ ♪

Oh, my goodness. Well, I'll be.

Deputy, what's that say right there?

Botulinum toxin. The murder weapon.

‐ Oh, no.

‐ All right, look, I'ma ask you one more time.

Where is he, Asta? Where is he, Asta?

♪ ♪

‐ He went to hide in the cellar.

♪ ♪

‐ You wait here.

Dr. V.?

Sheriff's department. We coming down into the cellar.

I want you to put your hands above your head.

You hear me? We're coming down here!

♪ ♪

Dr. Vanderspeigle, where you at?

‐ Whoa. What's with the guns?

♪ ♪

‐ Asta?

‐ What in holy hell?

♪ ♪

♪ ♪