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1
00:00:01,053 --> 00:00:04,960
[Upbeat theme playing]
2
00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:08,676
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
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00:00:08,679 --> 00:00:12,137
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪
4
00:00:12,140 --> 00:00:15,513
- Synced and corrected by VitoSilans -
-- www.Addic7ed.com --
5
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:18,250
Son, this is the story of the time
6
00:00:18,253 --> 00:00:21,880
I tried to help someone else
fix all their dating problems
7
00:00:21,883 --> 00:00:24,065
through the magic of photography.
8
00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:26,566
SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]:
I feel like we've derailed.
9
00:00:26,568 --> 00:00:29,446
I gave you life. You give me one night.
10
00:00:30,656 --> 00:00:33,000
Now, back in 2022,
11
00:00:33,003 --> 00:00:36,661
having the perfect profile
photo was a very big deal.
12
00:00:36,662 --> 00:00:39,247
Ugh. All my photos are terrible.
13
00:00:39,248 --> 00:00:41,207
Forget it! I'm not joining Tinder.
14
00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:43,328
I'll just die alone or with Sid.
15
00:00:43,331 --> 00:00:45,335
What? No, dude. Hannah and I plan on
16
00:00:45,338 --> 00:00:47,505
dying at the exact same time at 98...
17
00:00:47,508 --> 00:00:49,672
- mid-penetrayshe.
- [grossed-out groans]
18
00:00:49,675 --> 00:00:52,593
- And you were not invited to that party.
- That's fine!
19
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:54,595
Alone it is. Anything's better
20
00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:57,056
- than joining these ridiculous apps.
- SOPHIE: Why?
21
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,225
You'd do great on the apps.
22
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:01,375
You're a cool, handsome musician.
23
00:01:02,054 --> 00:01:03,769
Well, thank you, but no.
24
00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:07,400
Actually, what I am is a part-time
music teacher who drives Uber
25
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,671
and is internet famous for
his rejected marriage proposal.
26
00:01:10,674 --> 00:01:12,905
Look, if I join Tinder, I'm
just going to get a bunch
27
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:16,033
of mean messages from people that
recognize me as the Proposal Fail Guy.
28
00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:19,704
I mean, l-l-let's just take a
glimpse at my Instagram DMs, shall we?
29
00:01:19,705 --> 00:01:22,379
Uh... "You don't deserve to have balls."
30
00:01:22,382 --> 00:01:23,492
[sympathetic groans]
31
00:01:23,495 --> 00:01:25,583
Uh, "LOL, you suck."
32
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:27,920
But "suck" is spelled with five k's.
33
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,195
Uh, "You have kind eyes."
34
00:01:30,198 --> 00:01:33,022
Okay, well, that one doesn't count
'cause it's from our Aunt Karen.
35
00:01:33,937 --> 00:01:37,054
You know, who cares about
random internet trolls?
36
00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:40,531
Jesse, I've been out with
87 app guys this year.
37
00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:41,578
88.
38
00:01:42,444 --> 00:01:44,486
Oh, it was 87 before
you struck out with Ian,
39
00:01:44,489 --> 00:01:47,146
so now, technically, it's 88.
40
00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:48,775
Oh, got it. Thanks.
41
00:01:49,455 --> 00:01:51,414
88 guys, okay,
42
00:01:51,417 --> 00:01:53,543
and I haven't given
up on finding someone.
43
00:01:53,546 --> 00:01:56,197
I refuse to let you quit before
you've even gotten started.
44
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,992
- I don't know...
- I say
45
00:01:57,993 --> 00:02:00,046
if you don't want to
join Tinder, don't join.
46
00:02:00,049 --> 00:02:00,870
Thank you!
47
00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:03,623
You can always spend your
Saturday nights with...
48
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:05,583
Postmates and Pornhub.
49
00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:06,667
Ugh, stop.
50
00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:08,640
Your Kung Pao shrimp in one hand,
51
00:02:08,643 --> 00:02:10,727
- your man shrimp in the other...
- [groans]
52
00:02:10,730 --> 00:02:12,710
Soy sauce dripping on
your downtown dumpling...
53
00:02:12,713 --> 00:02:16,093
- Okay! Fine! I'll join!
- [cheering]
54
00:02:16,096 --> 00:02:19,015
You know what? I'm going
to help you crush on Tinder.
55
00:02:19,018 --> 00:02:21,974
- If there's one thing I know from my 87...
- 88.
56
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:24,267
We get it! You can count!
57
00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:26,479
88 app guys,
58
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:29,482
it's how to create a profile
that makes a girl swipe right.
59
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,275
Let me do this for you, Jesse.
60
00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:32,401
Repeat after me.
61
00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:36,364
"Today is the first chapter
of my next great love story."
62
00:02:36,365 --> 00:02:38,533
Okay. I'm never going to say that,
63
00:02:38,534 --> 00:02:40,701
but I will accept your weird offer.
64
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:42,245
Great! Okay, first,
65
00:02:42,246 --> 00:02:45,206
I have to take the greatest photo
of you ever for your profile.
66
00:02:45,207 --> 00:02:46,332
Mm-hmm.
67
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,959
You're gonna be drowning
in internet honeys.
68
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,586
You're going to be like, "I can't
breathe! There's too many honeys!"
69
00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:51,750
[laughs] Okay.
70
00:02:51,753 --> 00:02:53,339
Uh, well, I teach
music classes tomorrow,
71
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:54,882
but maybe we could do
it during my lunch break?
72
00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:57,259
Perfect. I'll meet you there.
73
00:02:57,261 --> 00:03:00,304
- Jesse, life's gonna be alright.
- Mm-hmm.
74
00:03:00,305 --> 00:03:02,597
Life's a nightmare.
75
00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:04,809
Aw, babe. No luck apartment hunting?
76
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:07,395
No. Turns out, searching
for apartments in this city
77
00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:09,590
without access to your
trust fund's impossible.
78
00:03:09,593 --> 00:03:12,024
I have no idea how you poors did it.
79
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,861
Charlie! We've talked about
using "poor" as a noun.
80
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:16,445
ELLEN: Charlie's right.
81
00:03:16,448 --> 00:03:18,239
I'm looking for a place, too.
82
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,409
I just got my harvest check
from the farm I share with my ex.
83
00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:24,476
Our love may have wilted, but
our butter lettuce is poppin'.
84
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:26,914
Wait, you still get farm money?
85
00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:28,291
Why aren't you paying us rent?
86
00:03:28,292 --> 00:03:30,501
Because I'm on my way out.
87
00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:31,502
I gotta be.
88
00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:32,837
- [mashing buttons]
- Mikey!
89
00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:35,786
You tell your mom your
bedtime is bullshit, okay?
90
00:03:35,789 --> 00:03:38,092
Stop crying, Mikey!
91
00:03:38,093 --> 00:03:40,011
Why don't you and Charlie shack up?
92
00:03:40,012 --> 00:03:42,180
Because you can afford a way
better place with a roommate.
93
00:03:42,181 --> 00:03:44,473
Oh my god, let's do it! Alright.
94
00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:47,645
Should we get a grand piano or a
normal piano? Hm? Who am I kidding?
95
00:03:47,648 --> 00:03:49,353
If you're going to get a
piano, you might as well go big.
96
00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:51,605
- Alright, grand it is.
- ELLEN: Sorry.
97
00:03:51,607 --> 00:03:54,109
I'm not really a... roommate person.
98
00:03:55,425 --> 00:03:57,009
All good, you know.
99
00:03:57,012 --> 00:04:00,279
Because I very much see
myself as a lone wolf anyway.
100
00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:02,867
Solitary and... and serious.
101
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:04,327
Often nude...
102
00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:06,746
I'm sure you can find someone
else to be your roommate...
103
00:04:06,754 --> 00:04:08,255
I did say, "all good."
104
00:04:09,414 --> 00:04:12,458
♪
105
00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:14,140
Let's do this!
106
00:04:14,143 --> 00:04:16,520
Okay, repeat after me. "Today
is the first chapter"...
107
00:04:16,523 --> 00:04:17,841
Never gonna say it.
108
00:04:18,884 --> 00:04:21,551
Well, relax your body.
109
00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:23,585
Shake it out a little.
110
00:04:23,588 --> 00:04:25,724
- Angle towards me.
- Alright, ready? How's this?
111
00:04:29,848 --> 00:04:32,561
Um, why are you looking up?
112
00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:33,843
It's my go-to look.
113
00:04:33,846 --> 00:04:35,523
I have a really prominent Adam's apple,
114
00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:37,193
which I have heard on
good authority women
115
00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:38,861
find irresistible.
116
00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:40,695
What women?
117
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:43,865
Not my mom, if that's
what you're thinking.
118
00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:46,077
Okay. Maybe posing is not our friend.
119
00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:49,162
Let's-let's do something,
like, a little more natural.
120
00:04:49,164 --> 00:04:51,414
We could, um...
121
00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,793
And you're unpacking hummus.
122
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,757
Yeah. Let's get some
of me snacking, right?
123
00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:57,213
And make sure you get the backpack,
124
00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:59,131
so it's clear that I
packed this hummus myself
125
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,801
because backpack hummus
says that I'm prepared,
126
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:04,845
frugal, and health conscious.
127
00:05:04,847 --> 00:05:06,972
Your mom tell you that, too?
128
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:09,017
Fine. No hummus.
129
00:05:09,757 --> 00:05:11,394
But just make sure
to get my teeth, okay?
130
00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:13,689
I didn't do two rounds
of Invisalign for nothing.
131
00:05:17,526 --> 00:05:20,529
♪
132
00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:23,489
- What's that?
- Package from Hannah.
133
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,192
Probably our HelloFresh
meal for tonight.
134
00:05:25,195 --> 00:05:28,218
We do weekly FaceTime cooking
dates to stay connected.
135
00:05:28,221 --> 00:05:29,787
I think tonight we're making baked cod.
136
00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:32,790
That's your secret to a happy
long-distance relationship?
137
00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:34,751
Watching each other eat fish?
138
00:05:35,945 --> 00:05:37,753
"Thought we could spice
things up tonight."
139
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,839
Hm, spice things up? What is this?
140
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,424
A last-minute switch to Thai?
141
00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:43,594
She is so bad.
142
00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:48,724
The Vyper Ace Interactive
Male... Stroker?
143
00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:51,191
What is this?
144
00:05:51,194 --> 00:05:53,671
She sent you a sex toy.
And not just any sex toy.
145
00:05:53,674 --> 00:05:56,828
That is the Birkin bag
of sex toys. It has...
146
00:05:56,831 --> 00:05:58,429
three motors.
147
00:05:58,432 --> 00:06:00,608
- So fire.
- What?
148
00:06:00,611 --> 00:06:02,078
Hey, I gotta record my podcast.
149
00:06:02,081 --> 00:06:04,239
- I'll be back in, like, three hours.
- SID: Okay...
150
00:06:05,681 --> 00:06:07,974
This thing? Game changer.
151
00:06:07,977 --> 00:06:09,577
So, there's a separate toy for her,
152
00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:12,163
and you can control each
other's devices with an app.
153
00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:15,124
I don't know. I'm not
really a sex toy guy.
154
00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:16,812
I'm not even a toy guy.
155
00:06:16,815 --> 00:06:20,296
I had a bad experience with
a Lego astronaut as a kid.
156
00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:23,090
He got lost... inside me.
157
00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:25,384
Look... I don't care
158
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,989
if you stuffed a Lego astronaut
up your butt when you were little.
159
00:06:27,992 --> 00:06:30,556
What? I didn't do that.
[nervous laugh] I swallowed it.
160
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:31,600
With your butt?
161
00:06:33,430 --> 00:06:35,973
I'm just gonna text Hannah
and tell her I can't do this.
162
00:06:35,976 --> 00:06:37,393
Uh-uh-uh! Sid,
163
00:06:37,396 --> 00:06:40,656
Hannah is trying to keep
things fresh and fun and hot
164
00:06:40,659 --> 00:06:42,203
from 3,000 miles away!
165
00:06:42,206 --> 00:06:45,447
She is putting herself out there,
so you need to put yourself in there.
166
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:49,909
Yeah, you're right, you're right. Okay.
167
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,953
Okay. Okay!
168
00:06:51,954 --> 00:06:54,080
So, what? Li'l Sid just...
169
00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:55,706
goes into the black tube?
170
00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:58,292
Your nickname for your penis
has the word "li'l" in it?
171
00:06:58,293 --> 00:07:02,087
Yeah. It's ironic 'cause
he's comically large.
172
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:05,092
♪
173
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:07,761
Ellen?
174
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,847
Oh... Hey.
175
00:07:10,848 --> 00:07:12,942
I guess we have the same
taste in apartments, huh?
176
00:07:12,945 --> 00:07:14,558
[nervous laugh]
177
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,477
Hey. Maybe we should
be roommates, after all.
178
00:07:17,479 --> 00:07:20,156
Just kidding. I know that
roommates aren't your thing.
179
00:07:20,159 --> 00:07:23,102
Hi. I'm Ralph, Ellen's new roommate.
180
00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:26,863
See, I thought that I... I get it.
181
00:07:26,864 --> 00:07:29,824
Well, Ralph must be, like, your
best childhood pal or something.
182
00:07:29,825 --> 00:07:31,367
I met him on Craigslist an hour ago.
183
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:33,953
Wow. Okay, well, that is hurtful.
184
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,956
And also dangerous.
That man could be a...
185
00:07:37,038 --> 00:07:38,622
[whispers]: pervert.
186
00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:41,210
Hey, I'm a good guy.
187
00:07:41,213 --> 00:07:42,880
I'm going to go test out the bathtub.
188
00:07:44,944 --> 00:07:47,112
Look, Charlie, the truth is
189
00:07:47,115 --> 00:07:49,321
I just don't think we'd be
a good fit to live together.
190
00:07:49,324 --> 00:07:50,825
I'm brand new to New York.
191
00:07:50,828 --> 00:07:54,055
I need to live with
someone who isn't so...
192
00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:55,684
- clueless.
- Clueless?
193
00:07:56,552 --> 00:07:58,678
I know my way around this city.
194
00:07:58,681 --> 00:08:01,932
I even learned to keep my
mouth closed on the subway.
195
00:08:01,935 --> 00:08:03,812
Open your mouth for a treat.
196
00:08:05,287 --> 00:08:06,496
Ah!
197
00:08:06,499 --> 00:08:09,278
- That was not a treat!
- [creepy laughter]
198
00:08:09,281 --> 00:08:13,093
Yes, I got very drunk trying to
disinfect my tongue, but I learned!
199
00:08:14,369 --> 00:08:16,621
- [playground chatter]
- [shutter snaps]
200
00:08:16,622 --> 00:08:18,331
I'm sorry, what is this now?
201
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,500
It's the Karate Kid.
202
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:23,043
Alright, break's over.
You think we got it?
203
00:08:23,045 --> 00:08:25,045
Do you think we got it?
204
00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:26,380
- Jesse!
- Yeah?
205
00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:29,632
I've practicing my Twinkle Twinkle,
and it's getting really good!
206
00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:31,677
Great! I know you've been
working really hard,
207
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:33,035
and it's a complicated song.
208
00:08:33,038 --> 00:08:34,851
- Some might say poetic.
- [shutter snapping]
209
00:08:35,979 --> 00:08:38,390
Hey, kid. Do me a favor.
210
00:08:38,393 --> 00:08:40,811
Hold this light reflector up for me?
211
00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:43,314
Come on, I'll give you an Altoid.
212
00:08:43,315 --> 00:08:45,982
Here we go. Quick. I
don't wanna miss this shot.
213
00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:48,569
Uh, uh, Sophie, please stop
photographing me and this child.
214
00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:50,613
Okay, but this could actually work.
215
00:08:50,614 --> 00:08:53,366
Okay, you, this cute kid? This is money!
216
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:55,408
MAN: Jesse!
217
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:56,661
Drew.
218
00:08:56,662 --> 00:08:58,707
Hi. Sophie,
219
00:08:58,710 --> 00:09:00,164
this is Drew.
220
00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:01,874
The vice principal.
221
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,377
- What's going on here?
- Oh...
222
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:07,171
Jesse needs a date, real bad,
223
00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:09,812
and this little boy's
the only hope we've got.
224
00:09:12,678 --> 00:09:14,886
Where's my Altoid?
225
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,265
♪
226
00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:21,978
- Drew, listen...
- Let me explain.
227
00:09:21,979 --> 00:09:23,897
We're taking these photos for Tinder.
228
00:09:25,274 --> 00:09:26,691
No, no, no, no, no.
229
00:09:26,692 --> 00:09:28,734
For Jesse's Tinder!
230
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:31,654
To get him dates! We are not
trying to get children dates.
231
00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:33,989
I am very much against children dating.
232
00:09:33,991 --> 00:09:36,784
So, this was all just to get
Jesse a new Tinder profile pic?
233
00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:39,367
- Yes.
- [laughs] Good luck with that.
234
00:09:39,370 --> 00:09:43,080
Jesse's signature looking-up face
ruined the faculty photo this year.
235
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:46,085
It-it was like he was seeing an
airplane for the very first time.
236
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,628
[laughs] I know, right?
237
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:49,664
"My god, a flying machine.
238
00:09:49,667 --> 00:09:51,924
- Whatever will they think of next?"
- [laughing]
239
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,427
- [Jesse mouthing]
- [Drew laughs]
240
00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:57,804
Hey, have we met before?
You-you look familiar.
241
00:09:57,806 --> 00:10:00,600
I don't think so. I
have one of those faces.
242
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:03,477
Oh, I-I don't think you
have one of those faces. I...
243
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,453
I think you have a
singularly great face.
244
00:10:06,315 --> 00:10:07,899
[school bell ringing]
245
00:10:07,900 --> 00:10:09,817
Uh, I should go.
246
00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,569
Sophie, it's very nice to meet you.
247
00:10:11,570 --> 00:10:12,507
[laughs]
248
00:10:12,510 --> 00:10:15,468
I do need to ask you to leave
the premises immediately.
249
00:10:15,471 --> 00:10:17,471
But it was very nice meeting you.
250
00:10:17,474 --> 00:10:21,351
You, too. I understand. [nervous laugh]
251
00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:23,312
[sighs]
252
00:10:23,315 --> 00:10:25,685
Wow. He was super into you,
253
00:10:25,688 --> 00:10:28,523
even though you were giving
off strong Amber Alert vibes.
254
00:10:28,526 --> 00:10:31,110
Really? You think so?
255
00:10:31,113 --> 00:10:34,567
Doesn't matter. Today is
"help Jesse find love" day.
256
00:10:34,570 --> 00:10:36,469
Yeah, Jesse's done, okay?
257
00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:40,388
Stop. Okay, okay, maybe
the apps aren't your vibe.
258
00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:42,725
Legend has it, occasionally,
259
00:10:42,726 --> 00:10:44,768
people still meet in real life.
260
00:10:44,770 --> 00:10:47,063
Come on. Let's go to a
bar. I'll be your wingman.
261
00:10:47,064 --> 00:10:47,980
I can't.
262
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,149
Stop making excuses,
and let me help you.
263
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,150
I'm not making excuses.
264
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:54,070
It's 1:30 PM on a Tuesday. I'm at work.
265
00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:55,572
Right.
266
00:10:56,654 --> 00:10:58,351
Okay. We'll go later.
267
00:11:00,703 --> 00:11:03,080
Normal work hours are so random.
268
00:11:05,541 --> 00:11:08,247
Remember, the camera adds 10 pounds,
269
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:10,838
so your best angle
naked is from high up.
270
00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:15,257
But, not too high! You don't
want Li'l Sid to get too li'l.
271
00:11:15,259 --> 00:11:16,710
Okay. Wow.
272
00:11:16,713 --> 00:11:19,262
I mean, you could give a TED
Talk on cross-country coitus.
273
00:11:19,263 --> 00:11:20,972
Aw, you're sweet.
274
00:11:20,973 --> 00:11:22,932
I've been in a ton of LDRs.
275
00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:25,559
I was in a pretty serious one
with the ambassador to Peru.
276
00:11:25,561 --> 00:11:28,851
And then, I had a very hot
thing with a Polish pilot.
277
00:11:28,854 --> 00:11:30,940
It is true what they
say about the Polish.
278
00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:34,929
No idea what they say, but
wow. You have lived a life.
279
00:11:34,932 --> 00:11:36,432
Alright!
280
00:11:36,435 --> 00:11:40,062
I think my work here is done.
281
00:11:40,065 --> 00:11:41,242
[sighs]
282
00:11:41,243 --> 00:11:42,679
[beeping, vibrating]
283
00:11:42,682 --> 00:11:44,285
- Ah!
- Get it!
284
00:11:44,288 --> 00:11:45,981
- SID: I'm trying!
- VALENTINA: Well, try harder!
285
00:11:45,983 --> 00:11:48,444
Well, I didn't think
it'd play hard to get!
286
00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:52,312
Good day.
287
00:11:52,315 --> 00:11:56,005
I know that you have many
interested parties, such as her,
288
00:11:56,008 --> 00:11:58,085
but I want this apartment so much,
289
00:11:58,088 --> 00:12:00,676
I'm prepared to pay
a year's cash upfront
290
00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:03,638
and five percent over the asking.
291
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,843
Let me think about
that... Okay, yes, deal.
292
00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:11,397
I thought you said you
didn't have any money.
293
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:14,609
Well, I realized that I
can pawn my gold spoon.
294
00:12:14,610 --> 00:12:16,652
This is exactly what
I was talking about.
295
00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,946
I don't want to live with
some clueless rich guy
296
00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:23,742
who was born with a literal gold
spoon in his mouth! Come on, Ralph!
297
00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:24,912
Not cool.
298
00:12:26,038 --> 00:12:27,580
I wasn't born with it in my mouth.
299
00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:30,984
It was gently placed in my hand
while I napped in my diamond crib.
300
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,923
You can't put a gold
spoon in a baby's mouth.
301
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:38,716
Choking hazard.
302
00:12:38,717 --> 00:12:40,843
♪
303
00:12:40,844 --> 00:12:42,053
[party chatter]
304
00:12:42,054 --> 00:12:43,304
[text notification]
305
00:12:43,305 --> 00:12:45,306
[quiet music]
306
00:12:45,307 --> 00:12:48,164
It's Drew. He's asking
for your phone number.
307
00:12:48,167 --> 00:12:50,270
- Really?
- Yeah, should I give it to him?
308
00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:54,690
- Nah, no. He's not really my type.
- Really?
309
00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:56,651
You guys were all giggling and smiling
310
00:12:56,652 --> 00:12:59,027
and talking about how
singular your face is.
311
00:12:59,029 --> 00:13:02,822
I said I'm good. Now, stop trying
to change the subject, okay?
312
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:04,476
Go talk to her.
313
00:13:05,750 --> 00:13:07,291
And say what?
314
00:13:07,294 --> 00:13:10,503
How about, uh... "Hey!
315
00:13:10,506 --> 00:13:12,759
- I think you're gonna like me."
- So, lie to her?
316
00:13:14,585 --> 00:13:15,795
Fine. [clears throat]
317
00:13:19,803 --> 00:13:21,721
- Hey!
- Hey.
318
00:13:23,398 --> 00:13:25,304
I think you're gonna like me.
319
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,557
Oh, am I?
320
00:13:27,937 --> 00:13:29,473
Honestly, it could go either way.
321
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,143
I mean, some people
think that I'm charming,
322
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,646
but other people kind of
find me, like, to be a lot.
323
00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:34,843
Uh...
324
00:13:34,846 --> 00:13:36,368
I could buy you a drink
if you're interested
325
00:13:36,370 --> 00:13:38,819
in figuring out which
category you fit into.
326
00:13:40,099 --> 00:13:41,819
Sure. I'll have a margarita.
327
00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:42,948
Okay.
328
00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:49,496
She will have a margarita.
329
00:13:54,418 --> 00:13:55,460
[phone chimes]
330
00:13:57,007 --> 00:13:59,920
- Hey, babe.
- HANNAH: Hey. Whoa,
331
00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:02,633
you look amazing! Great angle.
332
00:14:02,634 --> 00:14:05,887
Really? 'Cause I didn't
even think about my setup.
333
00:14:05,888 --> 00:14:08,806
Okay, I'm turning mine...
334
00:14:08,807 --> 00:14:09,882
- on.
- [vibrating]
335
00:14:09,885 --> 00:14:12,224
Okay, well, watch out 'cause
soon I'll be turning you on.
336
00:14:12,227 --> 00:14:13,144
[buzzing]
337
00:14:13,145 --> 00:14:14,978
[grinding, shorting]
338
00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:17,106
Uh... Wait, something's wrong with mine.
339
00:14:17,107 --> 00:14:18,107
[buzzing]
340
00:14:18,108 --> 00:14:20,611
- [beeping]
- God, the WiFi in here is so bad.
341
00:14:23,322 --> 00:14:24,364
Come with me.
342
00:14:27,743 --> 00:14:29,244
Anyone home?
343
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:33,330
Alright.
344
00:14:33,332 --> 00:14:35,416
Yeah, the signal's way better in here
345
00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:37,586
- [beeping, buzzing]
- Okay.
346
00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:43,966
Let me just open the app
that controls your toy...
347
00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:46,302
MICHAEL BARBARO [on toy]:
Today on The Daily...
348
00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:48,095
- SID: This thing has a speaker!
- BARBARO: ...the survivor
349
00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:50,106
- of a rare bacterial infection...
- [beeping]
350
00:14:50,109 --> 00:14:52,263
- Is that... The Daily?
- BARBARO: ...talks to us about losing
351
00:14:52,265 --> 00:14:54,477
- all his limbs...
- Yeah, I'm trying to turn it off.
352
00:14:54,478 --> 00:14:56,270
BARBARO: ...and most of his lower face.
353
00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:57,813
I'm Michael Barbaro.
354
00:14:57,814 --> 00:14:59,857
[buzzing]
355
00:14:59,858 --> 00:15:00,858
Okay.
356
00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:02,151
Okay.
357
00:15:02,152 --> 00:15:04,403
- [buzzing]
- Where were we?
358
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,406
[buzzing continues]
359
00:15:08,534 --> 00:15:11,195
- Yeah. Hannah, I can't do this.
- [beep, buzzing stops]
360
00:15:11,198 --> 00:15:13,944
Alright, Li'l Sid's stuck
in a Chinese finger trap.
361
00:15:13,947 --> 00:15:16,536
Big Sid can't stop thinking about
flesh-eating bacteria. I mean,
362
00:15:16,539 --> 00:15:19,335
this sucks even more than
cooking FaceTime fish!
363
00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:22,045
Which I have to pretend to
be psyched about once a week.
364
00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:23,789
I know it sucks.
365
00:15:23,792 --> 00:15:26,544
Long-distance relationships suck,
366
00:15:26,547 --> 00:15:28,965
but at least I'm trying!
367
00:15:28,968 --> 00:15:30,472
[ends call]
368
00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:35,768
BARBARO: Here's what else
you need to know today.
369
00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:38,813
No! There's nothing else I need
370
00:15:38,814 --> 00:15:40,189
[imitating]: to know today!
371
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:42,315
Michael!
372
00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:44,610
- [laughing]
- Uh, another drink?
373
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:46,405
- I'd love that!
- Okay, great.
374
00:15:51,908 --> 00:15:54,702
Siri. Text Fort Greene Girls.
375
00:15:54,705 --> 00:15:58,499
"OMG. You will not believe
was hitting on me right now!"
376
00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:00,877
All caps. "Proposal Fail Guy.
377
00:16:00,878 --> 00:16:03,504
"I literally cannot!
[squealing] I'm dying!
378
00:16:03,505 --> 00:16:06,829
I'm gonna try to get him to
sing me his sad proposal song."
379
00:16:06,832 --> 00:16:07,957
L-O-L, exclamation,
380
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:10,678
skull face, exclamation,
L-O-L, exclamation, skull face,
381
00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:12,898
- exclamation, L-O...
- Excuse me.
382
00:16:12,901 --> 00:16:14,514
We're getting drinks from the bar,
383
00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:16,558
but I'll have a water
and fries. Thank you!
384
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,085
I'm not your waitress.
385
00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:22,930
Okay, I get the confusion.
386
00:16:22,933 --> 00:16:25,649
But, this is about
my friend Jesse, okay?
387
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:28,029
And he is not some
punchline for you to tell
388
00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:30,184
your dumb friends about at boozy brunch.
389
00:16:30,187 --> 00:16:32,783
He's an incredible guy,
and I am killing myself
390
00:16:32,784 --> 00:16:35,132
to make him believe
that he will find love.
391
00:16:35,135 --> 00:16:38,086
Do you know how hard
it is to believe that?
392
00:16:38,089 --> 00:16:41,884
Do you know what it's like
to go on 87 first dates?
393
00:16:41,887 --> 00:16:43,304
No, 88.
394
00:16:43,307 --> 00:16:45,836
88 first dates and
have none of them lead
395
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:48,648
to anything even close
to a real relationship?
396
00:16:48,651 --> 00:16:51,078
Have you ever met a totally cute,
397
00:16:51,081 --> 00:16:52,929
nice vice principal who
wants to take you out,
398
00:16:52,930 --> 00:16:54,639
and all you can think about is why?
399
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:55,932
What's the point?
400
00:16:55,933 --> 00:16:58,267
If I say yes, he's inevitably
just going to turn into
401
00:16:58,268 --> 00:17:00,500
failed date number 89!
402
00:17:00,503 --> 00:17:03,523
Yes. Actually, I know
exactly what you mean.
403
00:17:03,524 --> 00:17:05,715
Dating in this city is
killing me and seriously...
404
00:17:05,718 --> 00:17:09,460
No! No, no, you do not get
to be relatable right now.
405
00:17:09,463 --> 00:17:12,240
Okay, look. Yes, I was texting my friends
406
00:17:12,241 --> 00:17:14,534
about meeting Proposal Fail Guy,
407
00:17:14,535 --> 00:17:16,452
but I still wanted to sleep with him.
408
00:17:16,453 --> 00:17:18,913
[clears throat] Uh, is the
"sleeping with me" thing
409
00:17:18,914 --> 00:17:20,623
still on the table or...
410
00:17:20,624 --> 00:17:24,209
No. Your mean waitress friend ruined it!
411
00:17:24,211 --> 00:17:25,462
Waitress?
412
00:17:30,144 --> 00:17:32,187
I think you're gonna like me.
413
00:17:32,190 --> 00:17:33,387
♪
414
00:17:40,435 --> 00:17:42,937
Hey. Thanks for letting
me borrow all this.
415
00:17:42,938 --> 00:17:45,690
- How'd it go?
- Very, very poorly.
416
00:17:45,691 --> 00:17:48,484
I can tell. If you'd used
the Vyper Ace correctly,
417
00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:51,236
you wouldn't be walking right now.
418
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:52,710
Talk to me.
419
00:17:52,713 --> 00:17:53,963
Um...
420
00:17:53,966 --> 00:17:56,073
When Hannah took the residency in LA,
421
00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:59,014
we promised each other we wouldn't
be like other long-distance couples.
422
00:17:59,017 --> 00:18:01,644
Like, we'd make time for
our relationship, but...
423
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:05,084
between her surgery rotations and
me trying to keep this bar afloat,
424
00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:07,502
it's just harder than
I thought it would be.
425
00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:09,129
To feel close to her.
426
00:18:09,131 --> 00:18:11,425
And I hate it. I just miss her.
427
00:18:12,515 --> 00:18:14,802
I just want to cook dinner
in the same room as Hannah.
428
00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:18,346
Or, like, read the newspaper
with her on a Sunday.
429
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,892
Have sex with her human vagina.
430
00:18:20,893 --> 00:18:22,895
That is so romantic.
431
00:18:24,033 --> 00:18:26,450
- I have an idea.
- Yeah?
432
00:18:26,453 --> 00:18:28,022
God, you are lucky you met me!
433
00:18:28,025 --> 00:18:29,942
♪
434
00:18:29,943 --> 00:18:32,402
[rumbling]
435
00:18:32,404 --> 00:18:35,281
- I'm sorry about tonight.
- That's okay.
436
00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:38,493
Camilla didn't look like she
was very good at sex anyway.
437
00:18:39,828 --> 00:18:41,830
- Yeah, she did.
- Yeah, she did.
438
00:18:43,999 --> 00:18:45,374
[sighs]
439
00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:48,418
All that stuff you said
to her, that was, uh...
440
00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:50,629
kind of intense, huh?
441
00:18:50,631 --> 00:18:53,174
You remember that night
when we met at the bar,
442
00:18:53,175 --> 00:18:56,511
and you guessed that my parents
had a really happy marriage?
443
00:18:56,512 --> 00:18:59,515
I'm so sorry about that.
Valentina told me I was way off.
444
00:19:00,346 --> 00:19:02,263
Yeah.
445
00:19:02,266 --> 00:19:04,099
You were.
446
00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:05,312
Hm.
447
00:19:07,932 --> 00:19:11,101
[sighs] My childhood was kind of a mess.
448
00:19:11,104 --> 00:19:13,093
It was just my mom and I bouncing around
449
00:19:13,096 --> 00:19:15,320
from one boyfriend's house to the next.
450
00:19:16,532 --> 00:19:19,826
We were more like, you know,
sisters than mother-daughter.
451
00:19:20,869 --> 00:19:23,246
- And I was the big sister.
- Oof.
452
00:19:23,247 --> 00:19:25,121
Always...
453
00:19:25,123 --> 00:19:27,528
picking up the pieces
after every breakup.
454
00:19:27,531 --> 00:19:29,293
♪
455
00:19:29,294 --> 00:19:31,380
And I got really good at fixing her.
456
00:19:33,472 --> 00:19:36,851
So, fixer became my go-to mode.
457
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:41,032
Especially when I can't figure
out how to fix things for myself.
458
00:19:43,141 --> 00:19:46,935
Uh, fix things for yourself, you mean...
459
00:19:46,937 --> 00:19:49,940
You know, like, find my person.
460
00:19:51,671 --> 00:19:53,312
I want to so bad,
461
00:19:53,315 --> 00:19:56,984
and it just... keeps not happening.
462
00:19:58,461 --> 00:20:00,503
Okay. Sophie...
463
00:20:00,506 --> 00:20:04,093
Repeat after me. "Today
is the first chapter
464
00:20:04,096 --> 00:20:07,416
of my next great love story." Come on.
465
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:12,835
Today is the first chapter of my...
466
00:20:12,838 --> 00:20:15,840
- next great love story.
- Next... Love story. Hell yeah.
467
00:20:15,841 --> 00:20:17,258
[laughs]
468
00:20:17,259 --> 00:20:18,759
[door chiming]
469
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:20,609
Alright, this is me.
470
00:20:20,612 --> 00:20:22,964
- Good night, Sophie.
- Good night, Jesse.
471
00:20:30,642 --> 00:20:33,227
Open your mouth for a treat.
472
00:20:33,230 --> 00:20:34,732
Not tonight, Frank.
473
00:20:36,653 --> 00:20:38,738
[bar chatter]
474
00:20:38,739 --> 00:20:40,823
[quiet music]
475
00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:42,326
Hi.
476
00:20:44,344 --> 00:20:46,552
Hi.
477
00:20:46,555 --> 00:20:48,960
How how's your amazing new apartment?
478
00:20:50,334 --> 00:20:52,459
Didn't exactly work out.
479
00:20:52,461 --> 00:20:54,921
Smile and say, "new apartment"!
480
00:20:54,922 --> 00:20:56,713
[shutter snaps]
481
00:20:56,715 --> 00:20:58,539
Alright, that was fun.
482
00:20:58,542 --> 00:21:00,884
How about that year
of rent you promised?
483
00:21:00,886 --> 00:21:02,136
On it.
484
00:21:02,137 --> 00:21:04,263
♪
485
00:21:04,264 --> 00:21:05,806
Ah!
486
00:21:05,807 --> 00:21:06,933
Ugh.
487
00:21:06,934 --> 00:21:10,393
Well, if makes you feel any
better, my day wasn't great, either.
488
00:21:10,395 --> 00:21:12,813
Hi. I'd like to open a line of credit.
489
00:21:12,814 --> 00:21:16,359
My name's Ellen, and my
social security number is...
490
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:19,612
He bought a camcorder, a
bra, and three jars of honey
491
00:21:19,613 --> 00:21:21,780
before I could cancel the credit card.
492
00:21:21,782 --> 00:21:23,534
He was definitely a pervert.
493
00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:28,328
Look, Ellen, I'm really sorry
I tried to steal the apartment.
494
00:21:28,330 --> 00:21:31,249
I'm sorry for lying to you
about wanting a roommate.
495
00:21:31,250 --> 00:21:34,293
Maybe I don't need a grizzled
New Yorker to show me the ropes.
496
00:21:34,294 --> 00:21:36,712
Maybe I just need a good person
497
00:21:36,713 --> 00:21:38,610
who won't steal my identity,
498
00:21:38,613 --> 00:21:41,408
and we can figure out how
to crush the city together.
499
00:21:42,386 --> 00:21:44,637
I mean, if you'd still have me?
500
00:21:44,638 --> 00:21:48,043
Absolutely. Together, we
will take this city by storm.
501
00:21:48,046 --> 00:21:50,351
We are not afraid of you, New York.
502
00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:52,271
We're the bravest people in the city!
503
00:21:55,774 --> 00:21:57,025
[knock, knock]
504
00:22:01,238 --> 00:22:03,613
- Hey.
- Hi!
505
00:22:03,615 --> 00:22:05,324
What are you doing here?
506
00:22:05,325 --> 00:22:07,828
This is me, uh, trying.
507
00:22:13,498 --> 00:22:16,709
[laughs] That is so sweet.
508
00:22:16,712 --> 00:22:19,755
But, that last-minute flight
must have cost you a fortune.
509
00:22:19,756 --> 00:22:22,945
Not really. I mean, it's a
long story, but I got hooked up.
510
00:22:22,948 --> 00:22:25,303
I have this friend who was in
a long-distance relationship
511
00:22:25,304 --> 00:22:28,263
- with a Polish pilot. Yeah.
- Huh...
512
00:22:28,265 --> 00:22:30,933
Like I said, back in 2022,
513
00:22:30,934 --> 00:22:34,353
having a great profile
photo was essential,
514
00:22:34,354 --> 00:22:37,398
but it wasn't everything.
You also had to be willing
515
00:22:37,399 --> 00:22:39,025
to put yourself out there,
516
00:22:39,026 --> 00:22:41,187
time and time again,
517
00:22:41,190 --> 00:22:44,614
even when you just wanted
to curl up under a blanket
518
00:22:44,615 --> 00:22:46,574
with a box of Froot Loops,
519
00:22:46,575 --> 00:22:48,451
a box of wine,
520
00:22:48,452 --> 00:22:51,125
and some unboxing videos.
521
00:22:51,128 --> 00:22:53,290
SOPHIE'S SON: What the
hell is an unboxing video?
522
00:22:55,209 --> 00:22:56,751
For a brief time, when I was younger,
523
00:22:56,752 --> 00:22:58,794
everyone was very into watching
524
00:22:58,795 --> 00:23:01,838
other people open stuff on camera.
525
00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,050
- SOPHIE'S SON: Sounds dark.
- Mm, it was.
526
00:23:04,051 --> 00:23:05,927
♪ You by benny blanco,
Marshmello, and Vance Joy ♪
527
00:23:05,928 --> 00:23:07,844
But, anyway...
528
00:23:07,846 --> 00:23:10,515
♪ In the moments when I hear my voice ♪
529
00:23:10,516 --> 00:23:14,643
♪ But don't feel like myself,
wish I could hold you ♪
530
00:23:14,645 --> 00:23:17,145
♪ Yes, only you ♪
531
00:23:17,147 --> 00:23:20,233
♪ In the moments when I
walked these city streets ♪
532
00:23:20,234 --> 00:23:23,985
♪ With someone else, I wish I told you ♪
533
00:23:23,987 --> 00:23:25,489
♪ It's only you ♪
534
00:23:26,488 --> 00:23:28,742
♪ Oh, you ♪
535
00:23:28,745 --> 00:23:31,077
♪ Only you ♪
536
00:23:31,078 --> 00:23:32,912
♪ When the night is over ♪
537
00:23:32,913 --> 00:23:35,414
♪ Out of all the places I could choose ♪
538
00:23:35,415 --> 00:23:37,084
♪ I go to you ♪
539
00:23:38,085 --> 00:23:40,377
♪ Only you ♪
540
00:23:40,379 --> 00:23:43,465
♪ Feel you just below
the surface, darling ♪
541
00:23:45,717 --> 00:23:48,302
[street noise]
542
00:23:48,303 --> 00:23:49,303
Hello?
543
00:23:49,304 --> 00:23:52,473
Hi, Drew. It's Sophie,
544
00:23:52,474 --> 00:23:54,100
Jesse's photographer friend.
545
00:23:54,101 --> 00:23:55,853
Oh. Hi.
546
00:23:56,671 --> 00:24:00,048
Jesse said that you
asked for my number, so...
547
00:24:00,051 --> 00:24:01,960
well, I thought I'd
beat you to the punch.
548
00:24:01,963 --> 00:24:05,148
Oh, amazing. You
know, I was going crazy
549
00:24:05,151 --> 00:24:06,863
trying to figure out
where I know you from,
550
00:24:06,864 --> 00:24:08,739
and then I realized that we met
551
00:24:08,740 --> 00:24:10,848
at Sid and Hannah's engagement party.
552
00:24:10,851 --> 00:24:12,201
We did?
553
00:24:12,202 --> 00:24:14,164
♪ All I wanna do is go to you ♪
554
00:24:14,167 --> 00:24:16,004
Excuse me! You wouldn't happen to have
555
00:24:16,007 --> 00:24:17,913
a cell phone charger handy, would you?
556
00:24:17,916 --> 00:24:21,429
Oh, uh, yeah. Never
leave home without it.
557
00:24:21,432 --> 00:24:22,837
Thanks!
558
00:24:22,838 --> 00:24:25,006
Yeah. Yeah, Hannah's a college friend.
559
00:24:25,007 --> 00:24:26,414
♪ Feel you just below the surface ♪
560
00:24:26,417 --> 00:24:29,334
So, uh, what are you doing Friday night?
561
00:24:29,337 --> 00:24:31,226
Having dinner with you.
562
00:24:31,229 --> 00:24:34,418
♪ Holding on until forever ♪
563
00:24:34,421 --> 00:24:36,935
♪ Doesn't seem to feel so far away ♪
564
00:24:38,687 --> 00:24:40,688
♪ Oh, you ♪
565
00:24:40,689 --> 00:24:42,482
♪ I go to you ♪
566
00:24:45,319 --> 00:24:47,652
♪ I go to you ♪
567
00:24:47,654 --> 00:24:49,238
♪ I go to you ♪
568
00:24:49,239 --> 00:24:52,366
♪
569
00:24:52,367 --> 00:24:54,659
♪ I go to you ♪
570
00:24:54,661 --> 00:24:56,288
♪ I go to you ♪
571
00:24:58,749 --> 00:25:00,751
♪ Ooh, I go to you ♪
572
00:25:03,378 --> 00:25:05,484
♪ Ooh, I go to you ♪
42462
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