All language subtitles for Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia - 07x10

MAC: Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.

It's been one week since
my last confession.

Okay, my son.

In the name of the Father, Son and
Holy Spirit, what is your confession?

I'm fat.

Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

Oh, great and angry God, I
command thee to smite my friends!

Now, calm down, son.

Calm down.

Let's try and remain composed.

Okay, Father.

I'll try, but I can't promise
anything 'cause I'm pretty excitable.

Also, I'm super pissed because
my friends made me fat.

How did your friends make you fat?

Were they force-feeding you?

Well, no, not exactly.

This whole thing started because
we became incredibly successful,

and then they became monsters, which
in turn made them make me fat.

So, really, I'd like to confess on them,
because they're sinners and pricks.

Son, I don't think you understand
the purpose of confession.

Right.

All right.

Sorry, Father.

You need the context.

Let me start at the beginning.

Now, my friends and I own and
operate a bar in South Philly.

And a few weeks ago, we became more
successful than we ever have before.

It was insane.

FRANK: Oh, oh, oh!

Look who's back!

(chuckles)

I scored a shitload of fireworks.

SWEET DEE: Out of my way, Frank.

Oh.

Hey.

Whoa.

North Carolina-- what
a hell of a state.

Not now, Frank.

We're packed.

What the shit is
going on around here?

CHARLIE: I really don't get it.

Were we doing anything different?

Guys, we may have tipped.

Uh-oh.

No, this is a good thing.

This is what happens with
success in business.

Hmm?

Okay, if you keep making the
right decisions over time,

eventually you will get to a point where
you tip, and you become successful.

It's like that book The Tipping Point.

I totally buy that.

I totally-- like, check
out this decision.

I keep a very clean bar
every day, very tidy.

I think people respond to that.

They say, "What was that clean
bar I was at the other week?"

And then they show up again.

And then someone says, "Hey,
did you see that clean bar?

Let's go there."

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And my comedy, you know.

Like, all my, all my funny jokes
and stuff that I throw out.

You know, I'm like the cute, funny
waitress who has all these

one-liners and hilarious jabs I
throw at the customers, and I

add all that charm to the place.

That's-That's probably doing it.

Yeah, good-looking guy like
myself, takes pride in his

personal appearance, takes pride
in his personal hygiene, has

great hair.

You know, you put a guy like that
behind the bar, and people

will eventually flock to this man.

That-That's what you're saying, yeah.

That's what you're saying.

Sort of.

I didn't think it was...
No, the point is that we got

to keep doing what it is that we do.

Yes.

No matter how psychotically vain...
Right.

...or needy and pathetic
or, I mean, just plain sad.

Well, let's not put labels on
it, 'cause we don't know which

one is the one that is the most...

If we keep doing all of it...
Mm-hmm.

...then we'll keep tipping up.

Yes.

Nice.

In order to maintain this
success, I do think though we

need to get some rest.

Let's do the right thing here for
once in our lives, and let's

go home and get a good night's sleep.

But that sleep would never
come, Father, because success

was about to change everything.

Hey, Charlie, you asleep?

Charlie, are you asleep?

No. No.

I had a great idea.

I don't want to hear it.

Frank, I'm a successful man now, okay?

I need to maintain a certain level
of excellence, so I can't

have you, like, telling me
terrible ideas all night, 'cause

that brings me off my excellence, okay?

Okay, but this is a great idea.

I don't want to...
We take, we take the M-80s

that I have, and we stic'em in
some lamb and pa-cha, we blow it up!

What are you looking to do?

Like, flash-cook a-a gyro sandwich?

Yeah.

That's a good idea.

Flash-cook a sandwich.

Oh, my God...
Cook the meat immediately.

I mean, what you're talking
about is just a meat bomb, and

that's a waste of a good lamb.

So if you're done with coming up
with terrible ideas, um, I'm

going to go back to bed.

A meat bomb!

You-You blow it up.

I mean, like, just take the
thing and stick it...

(makes explosion noise)

(screaming wildly)

I'm going to the crevice!

No, no, no, no!

Charlie, Charlie, Charlie,
don't go in the crevice.

Charlie, don't go in the crevice.

I'm going in the crevice.

Come on, don't go in the crevice.

(groans)

Oh, come on, man.

(phone ringing)

Oh, my God!

Yello.

Hey-o.

It's Mac.

What's up?

Hey-o!

'Sup?!

Yeah, I'm going to go out and rage.

Is Charlie there?

Hey, it's Mac.

He wants to go rage.

I don't care.

I'm in the crevice.

He's in the crevice.

Shit, he's in the crevice?

I'll come out with you.

We'll go out.

You and me, we'll go together.

We'll have a ball.

(line clicks, dial tone)

Hello?

I-I'm not seeing how this
relates to your weight gain.

Uh, I'm telling a story, Father.

Frank's not a guy that usually
comes up with plans.

I mean, you want to know all the
key players and how success

affected them, right?

Well, I think your time could
be better spent if you focus

more on yourself.

But I haven't done very much wrong.

Okay, you know what, Father?

I'm just going to plow ahead,
because I'm sensing some

resistance.

And Dennis always tells me, never
let someone's resistance

stop you from getting what you want.

So, the bar's success continued.

But Dee's inflated ego about her
comedy was keeping her from

doing her job.

Kids these days, they have so
many more choices than we had

when we were little.

Am I right?

Excuse me? Excuse me?

I mean, it's like, do you

want to watch Kung Fu
Panda on Blu-ray... Excuse me?

Oh, my God. Yeah?

We are still waiting on those beers.

Yeah, I know.

(scoffs)

Right in the middle of the joke.

And now where was I with it?

Can, um, we get those margaritas
that we ordered a while ago, as well?

That'd be great.

Yeah.

Can I finish the joke?

'Cause the funny part comes at the
end, so you're going to miss

it if you don't... Right.
No, you-you keep trying to tell jokes and...

Well, you keep interrupting
me, and that's why I'm not...

Well, they're not really
landing is what I'm trying to...

Oh, they're not landing
because I'm not getting to the

punch line, so if you could just
be patient and let me get it out.

Kids these days have so many more choices...
No, don't, don't try to

finish the joke.

Don't try to finish the joke.

I'm not even going to listen.

Oh, I just want my margarita, I
just want my margarita, I just

want my margarita.

You know what, you're not
getting your margarita.

Thanks.

Why do we have this?

What is this?

Dude, where the hell have you been?

Uh, slept in.

You slept in?

It's, like, almost the
middle of the night, man.

Why were you sleeping in?

Oh, God.

Well, because I drank three
bottles of champagne and hung

out with a stray dog all
night under a bridge, okay?

It was sweet.

Can I please get, like, 20
margaritas so this bitch will

listen to my kid joke?

Okay, first of all, your
jokes never land, all right?

So please don't concentrate on
your comedy anymore, 'cause it's

terrible, all right?

I'm sorry, I said it.

Look, can we just do
what we normally do?

I shouldn't even be
bartending, all right?

I'm in over my head, I'm yelling
at customers 'cause I'm getting

a little agitated here.

Can Dennis please come
here and do this?

Where is Dennis?

Dennis is in the bathroom, and
he's been there for, like, an hour.

Okay, company meeting in
the bathroom, okay, guys?

Company meeting.

Let's go.

Dennis?

Where are you, bud?

Company meeting.

Uh, I'm in here.

All right, good, man.

Hop on out. Company meeting.

I don't want to.

You have to.

It's a company meeting.

You have to... No.

What's going on in there?

I'm bashing it.

Huh?

I'm bashing it.

Oh, no. Don't bash.

Don't bash.

I'll come out. I'll come out.

ALL: Oh.

Uh, I saw a couple gray
hairs, and I was, like, "I'll

eradicate those," and then...
With black paint?

Well, just-just go
easy on me, all right?

Don't make fun of me or anything.

I feel very sensitive right now.

It's hard to maintain all this.

You look like Superman.

Oh, cool. Yeah, right on.

Well, he was the
original, right, so...?

The original what?

S-Superhero. He was, like... Ugh.

Is that what you're going for?

No.

Dude, come on.

It would be that obvious,
like, if you didn't know me.

You'd be, like, "Oh, shit.
Maybe that's Superman."

No, you wouldn't.

Everyone knows who Superman is,
and they know it's not you.

Shit. Right.

Guys, come on.

Clearly, success is starting
to get to all of us.

We can't be Superman.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, yeah. No shit.

I'm running around like
an animal out there.

I mean, all I'm doing
is serving drinks.

You're supposed to serve
drinks; You're a waitress.

People need their drinks, and we need
a waitress to serve those drinks.

Guys, don't change now.

All right?

We have a certain chemistry
that got us here to begin with.

All right?

We don't need to start...
Oh, that's terrible.

Let's just get back out there and
step it up a little bit, please.

Let's just get back to work,
man, and do what we do, okay?

You're not good.

"Back to work.

Back to work, everybody.

I'm Charlie, and I'm in
charge all of a sudden."

Are you eating in there?

Uh, yeah, I got some donuts and
some M&Ms and some, uh, chips.

I could pass them through
if you want some.

You aren't allowed to eat in here.

I'm sorry, Father.

I-I have enough.

If you want a donut, I
could give you one.

You better put that away and
come back when you're finished.

Okay.

I... I'm done... done.

Uh, so Charlie was up all night
working, and Frank was still

coming up with plans,
and they were not good.

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God.

It's morning already, huh?

(yawning)

(yells)

(Frank laughs)

Ow!

Hey, that's good.

You want to do that to people?

What is that?

What are you doing?

It's a plan.

We'll do it to people.

We'll go around... Look at that.

Look at the look on your face.

That's so good.

Frank, I don't even think
you know what a plan is, dude.

All right, I got something else
I've been working on all night.

Come on, come with me.

Lock up, let's go, come with me.

Don't hit me with the stick again.
Oh, my God.

Okay, Charlie?

All right, look at this now.

I put two extra stop signs.

Yeah.

Now there's four stop signs.

All right So no cars can go.

(Frank laughs)

Frank, you've just created
a four-way intersection.

If anything, you've made
this intersection safer.

No shit. Oh.

Look, dude, I don't have time
for these shenanigans, all right?

I need sleep.

I'm a success now.

I'm trying so hard not to tip.

Ow.

You need sleep?

Stop hitting me with the
stick, dude, I swear to God...

This is the plan, this is
the one we should have done.

Don't hit me with that anymore. Oh!

That was the one.

You little bitch.

And Charlie was, like, "I'm
gonna jam that stick up your ass."

And then Frank was, like, "Come here,
you little bitch, uh, God damn it."

Don't need to repeat all
of the obscene language.

Oh, I'm sorry, Father.

I... I got lost in the moment
because I'm a natural storyteller.

Oh... Anyway, I was being super
prudent, and I was mapping out

my successful lifestyle-- you
know, champagne, sailing.

I've always wanted to sail.

I was really the only one who
was handling the success with

class, to be honest with you.

When Dee interrupted me with some
lazy plan to get out of working.

Lazy's a sin, right?

Uh, you mean sloth?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dee is guilty of sloth,
and she's pro-abortion.

Hey.

Okay, listen to this.

One sec.

Just picking out the places I want to
avoid when I sail across the world.

No Africa for you, huh?

No.

I don't want to go to any
poor places, you know.

Successful guy like myself,
I'll have a target on my back.

Right.

So, I guess... Okay. Well...
That's, uh... And, uh, too cold.

Yeah.

Ugh. Too violent.

Yeah, it's hot down there.

Too angry.

Oh, the whole thing?

You're just going to sail around the
United States is what it looks like.

That's all you're... Uh, well, I
probably want to avoid, like, this.

Yeah.

Don't blame you for that.

And I don't know
what happens out here.

Okay, I tell you what.

Uh, while you were planning all
of this, I came up with an

amazing idea that's going
to save everything for us.

You ready for this?

We get ourselves replacements.

That's not a very good idea.

Well, stay with me.

They're not just any replacements.

They'll be the total embodiment
of us in looks and personality

so that we maintain the same group
chemistry and avoid tipping.

So they'll be like our avatars?

Sure, if that helps you.

Let's tell Dennis.

Okay, yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, Dennis, wake up.

I'm not sleeping.

What are you doing?

Why are you hiding under the covers?

Mm.

(Sweet Dee gasps)

My God.

Do I look foolish?

Well, what in God's name
have you done to your face?

I got a chemical peel.

You look like a monster, dude.

I was just trying to live up to
all of your expectations of me.

What expectations?

Physical perfection.

What?

Clearly, the success of the
bar has proved that I have

achieved physical perfection.

And now there's nowhere else for
me to go but down from here.

So now I'm hanging on by a thread.

Why don't you lay off the
skin treatments for a while?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, you don't think I should
mess with my face anymore?

Well, right now it looks
like you're wearing a mask of

yourself over your face.

Mm-hmm.

Not a good one, not
a nice mask of myself?

Not a good one.

Do you guys think that a normal
mask of me might look good?

Oh, my God.

And if there was,
would you guys wear it?

What is happening?

I'm very confused.

I'm going to be alone.

Okay.

And without Dennis to shit all
over Dee's ideas with me, I was

lured into her very lazy,
slothy, sinful avatar plan.

Mm, I got to say, I like
what I'm seeing here.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, let me, uh... let me just
fill you in on what we're doing here.

See, Mac and I run the hottest
bar in Philadelphia, and we are

looking for a couple of employees
to fill our shoes, literally.

Mm. That said, there's a set
of dumbbells to your feet there.

I'd like you to lift those and curl
them, but don't do it in a normal way.

Now, this is for a
bartending job, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, this is all part of it.

Now, get to work beefcake.

Okay. Guess I can fire
off a couple reverse curls.

(Mac laughs)

He said fire off.

I like that.

Yeah, I heard him.

I like that.

Look... look at that.

Excellent.

Oh, man.

He executed those perfectly.

Uh.

That was exactly
what I'm talking about.

I'd like to fast-track him, Dee.

He's perfect.

What? For you?

Yeah, of course.

What do...?

He looks nothing like you.

Well, no.

I mean, since we've been working, I've
been neglecting my fitness regimen.

He understands... No, no, no, no.

You never, ever once in your
life have looked like that.

When I leave the gym, and I
have a full pump... Yeah?

Dee was right though.

For me to use that gorgeous
muscle monster as my avatar, I

had to put on some serious bulk.

So did you go to the gym?

The gym?

Father, when Peter did the
statue of David, he wasn't just

hammering at pebbles.

First, he ordered the Jews to bring
him a massive slab of marble.

Okay.

Let's wrap this up.

Right.

Okay, so Charlie was
working his ass off.

Uh, but the customers were getting
just as frustrated as he was.

Clearly, the pressures of success
were cracking both he and Dennis.

Hang on a second.

Hang on a second.

I got this guy.

I got my man right here.

You're the one who wanted the, uh, two
Coors Lights and the gin and tonic.

Is that right?

No.

I've been waiting half an
hour for a Jack and Coke.

You've been waiting half an hour?

You've been waiting half an hour?

Well, with an attitude like that, you
can wait another half an hour, buddy.

Hey, this drink tastes like bleach.

Because I'm dipping them in bleach
so that I can clean them faster.

I don't have time to
wash every single glass.

I dip it in bleach, then it's clean!

I'm not drinking bleach.

Then get out of my bar!

Get out of my bar!

I don't want to see you.

Is that your buddy?

You go with him.

No, I don't even know him.

You don't even know him.

Okay, well, become friends,
and you walk home!

Get out!

(screams)

Unbelievable.

What's going on, man?

What's going on, dude, is
that I'm completely overwhelmed.

I suck at bartending.

I'm going crazy.

Everyone's yelling at me.

They're getting all pissed off.

Why is your face shiny?

I had my skin
peeled off wh chemicals.

Yeah?

Want to know why?

Not really.

Well, it's just, uh, you
know, I've created a level of

success for myself that, uh, I
just don't know if I can live up

to it anymore, man.

My level of excellence is so high
that I'm feeling the pressures, man.

Dude, I'm operating at
such an excellent level.

It's insane.

You know, I'm running at of ten
of excellence, and I'm used to

being at whatever number.

I-I don't even want to be at a--
like, somewhere lower, but whatever.

The point is that I'm not
going to let the bar down.

You know what I mean?

He being on the tipping point is
about working hard and caring

about that work and really
giving it your all.

Let's get high in the back office.

Let's get high and
drop all this, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

(techno music playing)

(sniffs)

(sniffs)

Deandra, you got to-- all you
have to do is hold the pigeon,

and I stick the M80 under
its wing, I blow it up.

No, Frank.

I'm not going to help
you detonate a pigeon.

That would be terrible publicity
for a young comedienne.

Well, you-you don't
have to do anything.

I just-- we stick the pigeon
in there, we run, the flock

blows up, we got a lot of tasty meat.

Hold on, hold on.

Shut up.

We have a pigeon feast.

Shut up. What's going on?

Where is everyone?

I have all kinds of new
bits and no audience.

Oh, shit.

Maybe we tipped too soon.

No. No.

I was just starting to
get a taste of success.

I need more.

What's that?

Music.

Coming from in the back.

Back here?

(music continues)

What?

Hey! What the hell are you
ck bags doing back here?

The bar is completely empty.

I'm watching Charlie do his
thing, and it's good, man.

It's, like, good.

It looks like we did tip, Deandra.

We might as well sin and get high.

I mean, I'm a sinner, too, right?

Oh, ho, ho.

(sniffing in)

Oh, Mac's the best.

Oh, I love him.

Isn't he?

Also, I'm pro-abortion, so I'm
probably going straight to hell.

Oh, oh, and I got fat.

I'm much fatter than Mac.

You're so fat, and, uh...
♪ Oh, big, fat, big, fat Big, fat titties

Big, fat ass. ♪

(Frank scat sings)

You got big, fat titties.

♪ Mm-hmm, over here... ♪

And I like to kill
babies, unborn babies.

I'm not exactly sure how that
conversation went, but I imagine

it was along those lines.

The point is, six weeks later,
they dropped a bomb on me.

(explosion)

We're not idiots.

Of course, I'm going to take the
precaution of boiling the blood

before I use it.

Yeah, now, that goes without saying.

No, no, no.

It does not matter if
you boil it, Charlie.

You can't... you can't replace
Frank's blood with bags of blood

that you found behind a hospital.

But... wait, wait.

It just won't work.

Dennis, he's not going
to replace my blood.

He's going to add to it
to make me more virile.

I'm just pumping more in.

Yeah.

So you're just going to be
bursting at the seams with blood?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Hey-o. What's up, bitches?

I did it.

I'm 200 pounds.

I'm as big as my avatar.

What's an avatar?

You know the avatar that we're
going to get to do all of

our work for us, so I can go
sailing, and-and Dee can tell

her stupid jokes, and Dennis can
pour more acid on his face.

Are we still doing that?

No. We-We gave that plan
up a really long time ago.

Is that why you've been stuffing
your face for six weeks?

Yeah. I've been trying to get as
big as my avatar, so we don't tip.

Dude, that was, like,
a million plans ago.

All of us, including you-- we've
been engaged in many other plans

and schemes since then.

Wh-Where have you been?

You guys dropped the tipping plan?

Yeah.

I thought we were just putting it on
the back burner until I hit two hundo.

Why do you think we've been
calling you fat this entire time?

Wh... Why wouldn't somebody
tell me that we dropped the plan?

Stop chewing on food and
start thinking about what's

going on in the bar, and then you...
(overlapping chatter)

Don't-Don't make fun of me, okay?

I'm-I'm busting my ass out
there trying to do the avatar

plan, and-and now you
guys are laughing at me.

But you have candy
coming out of your pocket.

(laughter)

I was hungry.

I was hungry.

Don't laugh at me.

Don't laugh at me!

(mocking): Don't laugh at me.

(laughter)

Is he trying to rip his shirt off?

What are you doing?

You guys are going to hell, okay?

(laughter)

You guys are going to hell.

Don't laugh at me.

What are you doing?

"Don't laugh at me."

And that's it.

So, now you understand.

I understand none of it.

Father, my friends totally boned me.

They became successful,
egotistical monsters.

They forced me into this avatar
thing, and now they're totally

ditching the plan.

But it's all about the avatar.

The beefcake avatar.

But you weren't going to understand
that unless I told you the whole story.

I'm going to be perfectly honest.

I still don't know what
you want me to do.

Okay, um, let me start at the
beginning, because clearly,

you didn't understand it.

No, no, no, no, no, no
,hat won't be necessary.

Uh, if, uh... if I smite your friends
and absolve you, will you leave?

Yeah.

You're absolved, and
your friends are smited.

In the name of the Father, Son
and Holy Spirit, please leave.

(laughing): Okay, great.

Oh, um, when should I see the results?

What are you talking about?

Well, when does the spell kick in?

Wh-When is God going to shed
some of this weight for me?

Six weeks.

Great.

Not hard. Perfect.

Uh, glory unto you, ghost man in
the sky, that created us all and

pre-determines everything.

I'll see you in six weeks.

(priest groans)

Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com