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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:18,518 -Son, this is the story of the time 2 00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:22,146 I tried to help someone else fix all their dating problems 3 00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:24,065 through the magic of photography. 4 00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:25,692 SOPHIE'S SON: I feel like we've derailed. 5 00:00:26,568 --> 00:00:29,446 -I gave you life. You give me one night. 6 00:00:30,656 --> 00:00:33,115 Now, back in 2022, 7 00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:36,661 having the perfect profile photo was a very big deal. 8 00:00:36,662 --> 00:00:39,247 -Ugh. All my photos are terrible. 9 00:00:39,248 --> 00:00:41,207 Forget it! I'm not joining Tinder. 10 00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:43,584 I'll just die alone or with Sid. 11 00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:46,964 -What? No, dude. Hannah and I plan on dying at the exact same time at 98... 12 00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:49,674 mid-penetrayshe. 13 00:00:49,675 --> 00:00:52,593 And you were not invited to that party. -That's fine! 14 00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:54,595 Alone it is. Anything's better 15 00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:57,056 than joining these ridiculous apps. Why? 16 00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,225 You'd do great on the apps. 17 00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:01,144 You're a cool, handsome musician. 18 00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:03,771 -Well, thank you, but no. 19 00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:07,400 Actually, what I am is a part-time music teacher who drives Uber 20 00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,445 and is internet famous for his rejected marriage proposal. 21 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:12,905 -Look, if I join Tinder, I'm just going to get a bunch 22 00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:16,033 of mean messages from people that recognize me as the Proposal Fail Guy. 23 00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:19,704 I mean, l-l-let's just take a glimpse at my Instagram DMs, shall we? 24 00:01:19,705 --> 00:01:22,249 Uh... "You don't deserve to have balls." 25 00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,585 Uh, "LOL, you suck." 26 00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:27,920 But "suck" is spelled with five k's. 27 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,381 Uh, "You have kind eyes." 28 00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:32,718 Okay, well, that one doesn't count 'cause it's from our Aunt Karen. 29 00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:37,054 -You know, who cares about random internet trolls? 30 00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:40,683 Jesse, I've been out with 87 app guys this year. 31 00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:41,643 -88. 32 00:01:42,853 --> 00:01:44,729 Oh, it was 87 before you struck out with Ian, 33 00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:47,148 so now, technically, it's 88. 34 00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:48,775 -Oh, got it. Thanks. 35 00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:51,569 88 guys, okay, 36 00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:53,696 and I haven't given up on finding someone. 37 00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:56,199 I refuse to let you quit before you've even gotten started. 38 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,992 -I don't know... -I say 39 00:01:57,993 --> 00:02:00,119 if you don't want to join Tinder, don't join. 40 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:00,870 -Thank you! 41 00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:03,623 -You can always spend your Saturday nights with... 42 00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:05,583 Postmates and Pornhub. 43 00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:06,667 -Ugh, stop. 44 00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:08,878 -Your Kung Pao shrimp in one hand, 45 00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:09,963 your man shrimp in the other... 46 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,549 -Soy sauce dripping on your downtown dumpling-- 47 00:02:13,550 --> 00:02:16,427 -Okay! Fine! I'll join! 48 00:02:16,428 --> 00:02:19,347 -You know what? I'm going to help you crush on Tinder. 49 00:02:19,348 --> 00:02:21,974 If there's one thing I know from my 87-- -88. 50 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,435 -We get it! You can count! 51 00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:26,479 88 app guys, 52 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:29,482 it's how to create a profile that makes a girl swipe right. 53 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,275 Let me do this for you, Jesse. 54 00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:32,401 Repeat after me. 55 00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:36,364 "Today is the first chapter of my next great love story." 56 00:02:36,365 --> 00:02:38,533 -Okay. I'm never going to say that, 57 00:02:38,534 --> 00:02:40,701 but I will accept your weird offer. 58 00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:42,245 -Great! Okay, first, 59 00:02:42,246 --> 00:02:45,206 I have to take the greatest photo of you ever for your profile. 60 00:02:45,207 --> 00:02:46,332 -Mm-hmm. 61 00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,959 -You're gonna be drowning in internet honeys. 62 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,586 You're going to be like, "I can't breathe! There's too many honeys!" 63 00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:51,921 -Okay. 64 00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,339 Uh, well, I teach music classes tomorrow, 65 00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:54,882 but maybe we could do it during my lunch break? 66 00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:56,552 -Perfect. I'll meet you there. 67 00:02:57,261 --> 00:03:00,304 Jesse, life's gonna be alright. -Mm-hmm. 68 00:03:00,305 --> 00:03:02,057 -Life's a nightmare. 69 00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:04,809 -Aw, babe. No luck apartment hunting? 70 00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:07,395 -No. Turns out, searching for apartments in this city 71 00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:09,522 without access to your trust fund's impossible. 72 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:12,024 I have no idea how you poors did it. 73 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,861 -Charlie! We've talked about using "poor" as a noun. 74 00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:16,571 ELLEN: Charlie's right. 75 00:03:16,572 --> 00:03:18,239 I'm looking for a place, too. 76 00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,409 I just got my harvest check from the farm I share with my ex. 77 00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:24,288 Our love may have wilted, but our butter lettuce is poppin'. 78 00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:26,914 -Wait, you still get farm money? 79 00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:28,291 Why aren't you paying us rent? 80 00:03:28,292 --> 00:03:30,501 -Because I'm on my way out. 81 00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:31,502 I gotta be. 82 00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:32,837 -Mikey! 83 00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:35,214 You tell your mom your bedtime is bullshit, okay? 84 00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,092 -Stop crying, Mikey! 85 00:03:38,093 --> 00:03:40,011 -Why don't you and Charlie shack up? 86 00:03:40,012 --> 00:03:42,180 Because you can afford a way better place with a roommate. 87 00:03:42,181 --> 00:03:44,473 -Oh my god, let's do it! Alright. 88 00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:47,476 Should we get a grand piano or a normal piano? Hm? Who am I kidding? 89 00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:49,353 If you're going to get a piano, you might as well go big. 90 00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:50,898 Alright, grand it is. Sorry. 91 00:03:51,607 --> 00:03:54,109 -I'm not really a... roommate person. 92 00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:57,236 -All good, you know. 93 00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,615 Because I very much see myself as a lone wolf anyway. 94 00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:02,867 Solitary and... and serious. 95 00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:04,327 Often nude... 96 00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:06,746 -I'm sure you can find someone else to be your roommate-- 97 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,248 -I did say, "all good." 98 00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:13,754 -Let's do this! 99 00:04:14,338 --> 00:04:16,380 Okay, repeat after me. "Today is the first chapter" -- 100 00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:17,841 -Never gonna say it. 101 00:04:18,884 --> 00:04:20,928 -Well, relax your body. 102 00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:23,055 Shake it out a little. 103 00:04:23,722 --> 00:04:25,724 Angle towards me. -Alright, ready? How's this? 104 00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:32,563 -Um, why are you looking up? 105 00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:34,106 -It's my go-to look. 106 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,525 I have a really prominent Adam's apple, 107 00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:37,193 which I have heard on good authority women 108 00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:38,861 find irresistible. 109 00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:40,072 -What women? 110 00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:43,116 -Not my mom, if that's what you're thinking. 111 00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:46,077 -Okay. Maybe posing is not our friend. 112 00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:48,455 Let's-let's do something, like, a little more natural. 113 00:04:49,164 --> 00:04:50,666 We could, um... 114 00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,793 And you're unpacking hummus. 115 00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,920 -Yeah. Let's get some of me snacking, right? 116 00:04:55,921 --> 00:04:57,213 And make sure you get the backpack, 117 00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:59,131 so it's clear that I packed this hummus myself 118 00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,801 because backpack hummus says that I'm prepared, 119 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:04,096 frugal, and health conscious. 120 00:05:04,847 --> 00:05:06,014 -Your mom tell you that, too? 121 00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:09,017 -Fine. No hummus. 122 00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,394 But just make sure to get my teeth, okay? 123 00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:13,689 I didn't do two rounds of Invisalign for nothing. 124 00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:23,489 -What's that? -Package from Hannah. 125 00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:24,949 Probably our HelloFresh meal for tonight. 126 00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:28,369 We do weekly FaceTime cooking dates to stay connected. 127 00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:29,787 I think tonight we're making baked cod. 128 00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:32,790 -That's your secret to a happy long-distance relationship? 129 00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:34,751 Watching each other eat fish? 130 00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:37,753 -"Thought we could spice things up tonight." 131 00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,839 Hm, spice things up? What is this? 132 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,424 A last-minute switch to Thai? 133 00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:43,594 She is so bad. 134 00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:48,724 The Vyper Ace Interactive Male... Stroker? 135 00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:50,767 What is this? 136 00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:54,228 -She sent you a sex toy. And not just any sex toy. 137 00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:57,190 That is the Birkin bag of sex toys. It has... 138 00:05:57,191 --> 00:05:58,691 three motors. 139 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,610 -So fire. -What? 140 00:06:00,611 --> 00:06:02,236 -Hey, I gotta record my podcast. 141 00:06:02,237 --> 00:06:04,239 I'll be back in, like, three hours. Okay... 142 00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:08,201 -This thing? Game changer. 143 00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:09,577 So, there's a separate toy for her, 144 00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:12,163 and you can control each other's devices with an app. 145 00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:15,124 -I don't know. I'm not really a sex toy guy. 146 00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:17,001 I'm not even a toy guy. 147 00:06:17,002 --> 00:06:20,296 I had a bad experience with a Lego astronaut as a kid. 148 00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:23,090 He got lost... inside me. 149 00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:25,384 -Look... I don't care 150 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,887 if you stuffed a Lego astronaut up your butt when you were little. 151 00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:30,556 -What? I didn't do that. I swallowed it. 152 00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:31,600 -With your butt? 153 00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:36,270 -I'm just gonna text Hannah and tell her I can't do this. 154 00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:37,688 -Uh-uh-uh! Sid, 155 00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:41,025 Hannah is trying to keep things fresh and fun and hot 156 00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:42,443 from 3,000 miles away! 157 00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:45,447 She is putting herself out there, so you need to put yourself in there. 158 00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:49,909 -Yeah, you're right, you're right. Okay. 159 00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,953 Okay. Okay! 160 00:06:51,954 --> 00:06:54,080 So, what? Li'l Sid just... 161 00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:55,706 goes into the black tube? 162 00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:58,292 -Your nickname for your penis has the word "li'l" in it? 163 00:06:58,293 --> 00:07:01,338 -Yeah. It's ironic 'cause he's comically large. 164 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:07,761 -Ellen? 165 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,847 -Oh... Hey. 166 00:07:10,848 --> 00:07:12,683 -I guess we have the same taste in apartments, huh? 167 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:16,770 -Hey. Maybe we should be roommates, after all. 168 00:07:17,479 --> 00:07:19,773 Just kidding. I know that roommates aren't your thing. 169 00:07:20,232 --> 00:07:23,193 -Hi. I'm Ralph, Ellen's new roommate. 170 00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:26,863 -See, I thought that I... I get it. 171 00:07:26,864 --> 00:07:29,824 Well, Ralph must be, like, your best childhood pal or something. 172 00:07:29,825 --> 00:07:31,367 -I met him on Craigslist an hour ago. 173 00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:33,953 -Wow. Okay, well, that is hurtful. 174 00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,956 And also dangerous. That man could be a... 175 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,624 : Pervert. 176 00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:40,627 -Hey, I'm a good guy. 177 00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:42,880 I'm going to go test out the bathtub. 178 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:47,300 -Look, Charlie, the truth is 179 00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:49,218 I just don't think we'd be a good fit to live together. 180 00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,720 I'm brand new to New York. 181 00:07:50,721 --> 00:07:53,223 I need to live with someone who isn't so... 182 00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:55,684 -clueless. -Clueless? 183 00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:58,811 I know my way around this city. 184 00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:01,231 I even learned to keep my mouth closed on the subway. 185 00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:03,609 -Open your mouth for a treat. 186 00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:06,903 -Ah! 187 00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:09,280 That was not a treat! 188 00:08:09,281 --> 00:08:12,784 Yes, I got very drunk trying to disinfect my tongue, but I learned! 189 00:08:16,622 --> 00:08:18,331 -I'm sorry, what is this now? 190 00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,500 -It's the Karate Kid. 191 00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,461 Alright, break's over. You think we got it? 192 00:08:23,045 --> 00:08:24,254 -Do you think we got it? 193 00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:26,380 -Jesse! -Yeah? 194 00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:29,634 -I've practicing my Twinkle Twinkle, and it's getting really good! 195 00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:32,553 -Great! I know you've been working really hard, and it's a complicated song. 196 00:08:32,554 --> 00:08:34,473 Some might say poetic. 197 00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:38,392 -Hey, kid. Do me a favor. 198 00:08:38,393 --> 00:08:40,811 Hold this light reflector up for me? 199 00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:43,314 Come on, I'll give you an Altoid. 200 00:08:43,315 --> 00:08:44,733 Here we go. Quick. I don't wanna miss this shot. 201 00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:48,569 -Uh, uh, Sophie, please stop photographing me and this child. 202 00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:50,613 -Okay, but this could actually work. 203 00:08:50,614 --> 00:08:53,366 Okay, you, this cute kid? This is money! 204 00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:54,826 MAN: Jesse! 205 00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:56,661 -Drew. 206 00:08:56,662 --> 00:08:58,412 Hi. Sophie, 207 00:08:58,413 --> 00:09:00,164 this is Drew. 208 00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:01,874 The vice principal. 209 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,377 -What's going on here? -Oh... 210 00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:07,171 Jesse needs a date, real bad, 211 00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:09,675 and this little boy's the only hope we've got. 212 00:09:12,678 --> 00:09:14,179 -Where's my Altoid? 213 00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:21,978 -Drew, listen-- -Let me explain. 214 00:09:21,979 --> 00:09:23,897 We're taking these photos for Tinder. 215 00:09:25,274 --> 00:09:26,691 No, no, no, no, no. 216 00:09:26,692 --> 00:09:28,734 For Jesse's Tinder! 217 00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:31,654 To get him dates! We are not trying to get children dates. 218 00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:33,282 I am very much against children dating. 219 00:09:33,991 --> 00:09:36,784 -So, this was all just to get Jesse a new Tinder profile pic? 220 00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:39,620 -Yes. -Good luck with that. 221 00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:43,082 Jesse's signature looking-up face ruined the faculty photo this year. 222 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:46,085 It-it was like he was seeing an airplane for the very first time. 223 00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,628 -I know, right? 224 00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:49,881 "My god, a flying machine. 225 00:09:49,882 --> 00:09:51,925 Whatever will they think of next?" 226 00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:56,930 -Hey, have we met before? You-you look familiar. 227 00:09:57,806 --> 00:10:00,600 -I don't think so. I have one of those faces. 228 00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:03,477 -Oh, I-I don't think you have one of those faces. I... 229 00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,147 I think you have a singularly great face. 230 00:10:07,900 --> 00:10:09,817 Uh, I should go. 231 00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,570 Sophie, it's very nice to meet you. 232 00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:15,823 I do need to ask you to leave the premises immediately. 233 00:10:15,824 --> 00:10:17,326 But it was very nice meeting you. 234 00:10:17,826 --> 00:10:20,996 -You, too. I understand. 235 00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:25,875 -Wow. He was super into you, 236 00:10:25,876 --> 00:10:28,711 even though you were giving off strong Amber Alert vibes. 237 00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:30,506 -Really? You think so? 238 00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:34,467 -Doesn't matter. Today is "help Jesse find love" day. 239 00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:36,469 -Yeah, Jesse's done, okay? 240 00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:39,598 -Stop. Okay, okay, maybe the apps aren't your vibe. 241 00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:42,725 Legend has it, occasionally, 242 00:10:42,726 --> 00:10:44,353 people still meet in real life. 243 00:10:44,770 --> 00:10:47,063 Come on. Let's go to a bar. I'll be your wingman. 244 00:10:47,064 --> 00:10:47,980 -I can't. 245 00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,149 -Stop making excuses, and let me help you. 246 00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,150 -I'm not making excuses. 247 00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:54,070 It's 1:30 PM on a Tuesday. I'm at work. 248 00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:55,572 -Right. 249 00:10:56,740 --> 00:10:57,991 Okay. We'll go later. 250 00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:03,080 Normal work hours are so random. 251 00:11:05,541 --> 00:11:08,125 Remember, the camera adds 10 pounds, 252 00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:10,838 so your best angle naked is from high up. 253 00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:14,341 But, not too high! You don't want Li'l Sid to get too li'l. 254 00:11:15,259 --> 00:11:16,884 -Okay. Wow. 255 00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:19,262 I mean, you could give a TED Talk on cross-country coitus. 256 00:11:19,263 --> 00:11:20,972 -Aw, you're sweet. 257 00:11:20,973 --> 00:11:22,932 I've been in a ton of LDRs. 258 00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:24,893 I was in a pretty serious one with the ambassador to Peru. 259 00:11:25,561 --> 00:11:28,272 And then, I had a very hot thing with a Polish pilot. 260 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,940 It is true what they say about the Polish. 261 00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:34,444 -No idea what they say, but wow. You have lived a life. 262 00:11:35,112 --> 00:11:36,612 -Alright! 263 00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:39,449 I think my work here is done. 264 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,287 -Ah! -Get it! 265 00:11:44,288 --> 00:11:45,663 -I'm trying! -Well, try harder! 266 00:11:45,664 --> 00:11:48,125 -Well, I didn't think it'd play hard to get! 267 00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:51,879 -Good day. 268 00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:56,007 -I know that you have many interested parties, such as her, 269 00:11:56,008 --> 00:11:58,176 but I want this apartment so much, 270 00:11:58,177 --> 00:12:00,678 I'm prepared to pay a year's cash upfront 271 00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:02,890 and five percent over the asking. 272 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,726 -Let me think about that--Okay, yes, deal. 273 00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:11,397 -I thought you said you didn't have any money. 274 00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:14,609 -Well, I realized that I can pawn my gold spoon. 275 00:12:14,610 --> 00:12:16,652 -This is exactly what I was talking about. 276 00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,946 I don't want to live with some clueless rich guy 277 00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:22,868 who was born with a literal gold spoon in his mouth! Come on, Ralph! 278 00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:24,912 -Not cool. 279 00:12:26,038 --> 00:12:27,580 -I wasn't born with it in my mouth. 280 00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:30,876 It was gently placed in my hand while I napped in my diamond crib. 281 00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,923 You can't put a gold spoon in a baby's mouth. 282 00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:38,717 Choking hazard. 283 00:12:45,307 --> 00:12:47,434 -It's Drew. He's asking for your phone number. 284 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,270 -Really? -Yeah, should I give it to him? 285 00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:54,690 -Nah, no. He's not really my type. -Really? 286 00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:56,651 You guys were all giggling and smiling 287 00:12:56,652 --> 00:12:58,570 and talking about how singular your face is. 288 00:12:59,029 --> 00:13:02,199 -I said I'm good. Now, stop trying to change the subject, okay? 289 00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:04,201 Go talk to her. 290 00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:06,995 -And say what? 291 00:13:07,496 --> 00:13:09,915 -How about, uh... "Hey! 292 00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:12,960 I think you're gonna like me." -So, lie to her? 293 00:13:14,336 --> 00:13:15,546 Fine. 294 00:13:19,842 --> 00:13:21,760 -Hey! -Hey. 295 00:13:23,387 --> 00:13:25,304 -I think you're gonna like me. 296 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,557 -Oh, am I? 297 00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:29,475 -Honestly, it could go either way. 298 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,143 I mean, some people think that I'm charming, 299 00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,646 but other people kind of find me, like, to be a lot. 300 00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:35,022 Uh... 301 00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:36,732 I could buy you a drink if you're interested 302 00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:38,819 in figuring out which category you fit into. 303 00:13:40,279 --> 00:13:41,821 -Sure. I'll have a margarita. 304 00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:42,948 -Okay. 305 00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:49,496 -She will have a margarita. 306 00:13:57,171 --> 00:13:59,922 -Hey, babe. Hey. Whoa, 307 00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:02,633 you look amazing! Great angle. 308 00:14:02,634 --> 00:14:05,887 -Really? 'Cause I didn't even think about my setup. 309 00:14:05,888 --> 00:14:08,806 -Okay, I'm turning mine... 310 00:14:08,807 --> 00:14:10,224 on. 311 00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:12,227 -Okay, well, watch out 'cause soon I'll be turning you on. 312 00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:17,107 Uh... Wait, something's wrong with mine. 313 00:14:18,108 --> 00:14:20,611 God, the WiFi in here is so bad. 314 00:14:23,322 --> 00:14:24,364 Come with me. 315 00:14:27,743 --> 00:14:29,244 Anyone home? 316 00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,623 Alright. 317 00:14:33,332 --> 00:14:35,416 Yeah, the signal's way better in here 318 00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:37,586 Okay. 319 00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:43,966 Let me just open the app that controls your toy... 320 00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:46,302 MICHAEL BARBARO: Today on The Daily... 321 00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:48,095 -This thing has a speaker! -...the survivor 322 00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:49,680 of a rare bacterial infection... 323 00:14:49,681 --> 00:14:52,141 -Is that... The Daily? ...talks to us about losing 324 00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:54,477 all his limbs... -Yeah, I'm trying to turn it off. 325 00:14:54,478 --> 00:14:56,270 BARBARO: ...and most of his lower face. 326 00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:57,814 I'm Michael Barbaro. 327 00:14:59,858 --> 00:15:00,858 -Okay. 328 00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:02,151 -Okay. 329 00:15:02,152 --> 00:15:04,404 -Where were we? 330 00:15:08,534 --> 00:15:10,369 Yeah. Hannah, I can't do this. 331 00:15:11,370 --> 00:15:14,121 Alright, Li'l Sid's stuck in a Chinese finger trap. 332 00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:16,415 Big Sid can't stop thinking about flesh-eating bacteria. I mean, 333 00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:19,335 this sucks even more than cooking FaceTime fish! 334 00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:21,421 Which I have to pretend to be psyched about once a week. 335 00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:24,048 -I know it sucks. 336 00:15:24,049 --> 00:15:26,801 Long-distance relationships suck, 337 00:15:26,802 --> 00:15:29,221 but at least I'm trying! 338 00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:35,768 BARBARO: Here's what else you need to know today. 339 00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:38,813 -No! There's nothing else I need 340 00:15:38,814 --> 00:15:40,189 : To know today! 341 00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:41,400 Michael! 342 00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:44,610 -Uh, another drink? 343 00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:46,405 -I'd love that! -Okay, great. 344 00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:54,704 -Siri. Text Fort Greene Girls. 345 00:15:54,705 --> 00:15:58,499 "OMG. You will not believe was hitting on me right now!" 346 00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:00,877 All caps. "Proposal Fail Guy. 347 00:16:00,878 --> 00:16:03,504 "I literally cannot! I'm dying! 348 00:16:03,505 --> 00:16:06,716 I'm gonna try to get him to sing me his sad proposal song." 349 00:16:06,717 --> 00:16:07,842 L-O-L, exclamation, 350 00:16:07,843 --> 00:16:10,678 skull face, exclamation, L-O-L, exclamation, skull face, 351 00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:12,389 -exclamation, L-O-- -Excuse me. 352 00:16:13,098 --> 00:16:16,559 -We're getting drinks from the bar, but I'll have a water and fries. Thank you! 353 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:17,895 -I'm not your waitress. 354 00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,649 Okay, I get the confusion. 355 00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:25,651 But, this is about my friend Jesse, okay? 356 00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:28,029 And he is not some punchline for you to tell 357 00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:30,031 your dumb friends about at boozy brunch. 358 00:16:30,032 --> 00:16:32,783 He's an incredible guy, and I am killing myself 359 00:16:32,784 --> 00:16:34,786 to make him believe that he will find love. 360 00:16:35,287 --> 00:16:38,247 Do you know how hard it is to believe that? 361 00:16:38,248 --> 00:16:42,043 Do you know what it's like to go on 87 first dates? 362 00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:43,461 No, 88. 363 00:16:43,462 --> 00:16:45,838 88 first dates and have none of them lead 364 00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:48,342 to anything even close to a real relationship? 365 00:16:48,884 --> 00:16:51,219 Have you ever met a totally cute, 366 00:16:51,220 --> 00:16:52,929 nice vice principal who wants to take you out, 367 00:16:52,930 --> 00:16:54,639 and all you can think about is why? 368 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:55,932 What's the point? 369 00:16:55,933 --> 00:16:58,267 If I say yes, he's inevitably just going to turn into 370 00:16:58,268 --> 00:16:59,770 failed date number 89! 371 00:17:00,646 --> 00:17:03,523 -Yes. Actually, I know exactly what you mean. 372 00:17:03,524 --> 00:17:05,608 Dating in this city is killing me and seriously-- 373 00:17:05,609 --> 00:17:08,695 -No! No, no, you do not get to be relatable right now. 374 00:17:09,655 --> 00:17:12,240 -Okay, look. Yes, I was texting my friends 375 00:17:12,241 --> 00:17:14,534 about meeting Proposal Fail Guy, 376 00:17:14,535 --> 00:17:16,452 but I still wanted to sleep with him. 377 00:17:16,453 --> 00:17:18,913 Uh, is the "sleeping with me" thing 378 00:17:18,914 --> 00:17:20,623 still on the table or... 379 00:17:20,624 --> 00:17:23,418 -No. Your mean waitress friend ruined it! 380 00:17:24,211 --> 00:17:25,462 -Waitress? 381 00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,344 -I think you're gonna like me. 382 00:17:40,435 --> 00:17:42,937 -Hey. Thanks for letting me borrow all this. 383 00:17:42,938 --> 00:17:45,690 -How'd it go? -Very, very poorly. 384 00:17:45,691 --> 00:17:48,484 -I can tell. If you'd used the Vyper Ace correctly, 385 00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:50,487 you wouldn't be walking right now. 386 00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:52,905 Talk to me. 387 00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:54,156 -Um... 388 00:17:54,157 --> 00:17:56,075 When Hannah took the residency in LA, 389 00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:58,828 we promised each other we wouldn't be like other long-distance couples. 390 00:17:58,829 --> 00:18:01,456 Like, we'd make time for our relationship, but... 391 00:18:02,583 --> 00:18:05,084 between her surgery rotations and me trying to keep this bar afloat, 392 00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:06,545 it's just harder than I thought it would be. 393 00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:08,547 To feel close to her. 394 00:18:09,131 --> 00:18:11,425 And I hate it. I just miss her. 395 00:18:12,718 --> 00:18:14,802 I just want to cook dinner in the same room as Hannah. 396 00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:17,431 Or, like, read the newspaper with her on a Sunday. 397 00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,892 Have sex with her human vagina. 398 00:18:20,893 --> 00:18:22,895 -That is so romantic. 399 00:18:24,104 --> 00:18:25,898 I have an idea. -Yeah? 400 00:18:26,523 --> 00:18:28,025 -God, you are lucky you met me! 401 00:18:32,404 --> 00:18:35,281 -I'm sorry about tonight. -That's okay. 402 00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:38,493 Camilla didn't look like she was very good at sex anyway. 403 00:18:39,828 --> 00:18:41,830 -Yeah, she did. -Yeah, she did. 404 00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:47,753 All that stuff you said to her, that was, uh... 405 00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:49,713 kind of intense, huh? 406 00:18:50,631 --> 00:18:53,174 -You remember that night when we met at the bar, 407 00:18:53,175 --> 00:18:56,511 and you guessed that my parents had a really happy marriage? 408 00:18:56,512 --> 00:18:59,515 -I'm so sorry about that. Valentina told me I was way off. 409 00:19:00,557 --> 00:19:01,558 -Yeah. 410 00:19:02,476 --> 00:19:03,477 You were. 411 00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:05,312 Hm. 412 00:19:08,065 --> 00:19:10,567 My childhood was kind of a mess. 413 00:19:11,443 --> 00:19:15,239 It was just my mom and I bouncing around from one boyfriend's house to the next. 414 00:19:16,532 --> 00:19:19,826 We were more like, you know, sisters than mother-daughter. 415 00:19:20,869 --> 00:19:23,246 And I was the big sister. -Oof. 416 00:19:23,247 --> 00:19:24,498 -Always... 417 00:19:25,123 --> 00:19:27,417 picking up the pieces after every breakup. 418 00:19:29,294 --> 00:19:31,380 And I got really good at fixing her. 419 00:19:33,465 --> 00:19:36,844 So, fixer became my go-to mode. 420 00:19:38,512 --> 00:19:41,014 Especially when I can't figure out how to fix things for myself. 421 00:19:43,141 --> 00:19:46,436 -Uh, fix things for yourself, you mean... 422 00:19:46,937 --> 00:19:49,940 -You know, like, find my person. 423 00:19:51,692 --> 00:19:53,734 I want to so bad, 424 00:19:53,735 --> 00:19:57,030 and it just... keeps not happening. 425 00:19:58,657 --> 00:20:00,033 -Okay. Sophie... 426 00:20:00,701 --> 00:20:04,245 Repeat after me. "Today is the first chapter 427 00:20:04,246 --> 00:20:07,416 of my next great love story." Come on. 428 00:20:09,877 --> 00:20:12,837 -Today is the first chapter of my... 429 00:20:12,838 --> 00:20:15,841 next great love story. -Next... Love story. Hell yeah. 430 00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:20,761 -Alright, this is me. 431 00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:22,973 Good night, Sophie. -Good night, Jesse. 432 00:20:30,814 --> 00:20:33,399 -Open your mouth for a treat. 433 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,902 -Not tonight, Frank. 434 00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:42,326 -Hi. 435 00:20:44,578 --> 00:20:46,079 -Hi. 436 00:20:46,788 --> 00:20:48,916 -How how's your amazing new apartment? 437 00:20:50,334 --> 00:20:52,002 -Didn't exactly work out. 438 00:20:52,461 --> 00:20:54,922 Smile and say, "new apartment"! 439 00:20:56,715 --> 00:20:58,716 -Alright, that was fun. 440 00:20:58,717 --> 00:21:00,385 How about that year of rent you promised? 441 00:21:00,886 --> 00:21:02,137 -On it. 442 00:21:04,264 --> 00:21:05,806 Ah! 443 00:21:05,807 --> 00:21:06,933 -Ugh. 444 00:21:06,934 --> 00:21:09,895 Well, if makes you feel any better, my day wasn't great, either. 445 00:21:10,395 --> 00:21:12,813 -Hi. I'd like to open a line of credit. 446 00:21:12,814 --> 00:21:16,359 My name's Ellen, and my social security number is... 447 00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:19,612 -He bought a camcorder, a bra, and three jars of honey 448 00:21:19,613 --> 00:21:21,323 before I could cancel the credit card. 449 00:21:21,782 --> 00:21:23,534 He was definitely a pervert. 450 00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:27,496 -Look, Ellen, I'm really sorry I tried to steal the apartment. 451 00:21:28,330 --> 00:21:31,249 -I'm sorry for lying to you about wanting a roommate. 452 00:21:31,250 --> 00:21:34,293 Maybe I don't need a grizzled New Yorker to show me the ropes. 453 00:21:34,294 --> 00:21:36,712 Maybe I just need a good person 454 00:21:36,713 --> 00:21:38,464 who won't steal my identity, 455 00:21:38,465 --> 00:21:41,260 and we can figure out how to crush the city together. 456 00:21:42,386 --> 00:21:44,637 I mean, if you'd still have me? 457 00:21:44,638 --> 00:21:47,890 -Absolutely. Together, we will take this city by storm. 458 00:21:47,891 --> 00:21:50,351 We are not afraid of you, New York. 459 00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:52,271 -We're the bravest people in the city! 460 00:22:01,238 --> 00:22:02,948 -Hey. -Hi! 461 00:22:03,615 --> 00:22:05,324 What are you doing here? 462 00:22:05,325 --> 00:22:07,828 -This is me, uh, trying. 463 00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:16,711 -That is so sweet. 464 00:22:16,712 --> 00:22:19,755 But, that last-minute flight must have cost you a fortune. 465 00:22:19,756 --> 00:22:23,092 -Not really. I mean, it's a long story, but I got hooked up. 466 00:22:23,093 --> 00:22:25,303 I have this friend who was in a long-distance relationship 467 00:22:25,304 --> 00:22:27,306 with a Polish pilot. Yeah. -Huh... 468 00:22:28,265 --> 00:22:30,933 -Like I said, back in 2022, 469 00:22:30,934 --> 00:22:34,353 having a great profile photo was essential, 470 00:22:34,354 --> 00:22:37,398 but it wasn't everything. You also had to be willing 471 00:22:37,399 --> 00:22:39,025 to put yourself out there, 472 00:22:39,026 --> 00:22:41,319 time and time again, 473 00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:44,614 even when you just wanted to curl up under a blanket 474 00:22:44,615 --> 00:22:46,574 with a box of Froot Loops, 475 00:22:46,575 --> 00:22:48,451 a box of wine, 476 00:22:48,452 --> 00:22:51,287 and some unboxing videos. 477 00:22:51,288 --> 00:22:53,290 SOPHIE'S SON: What the hell is an unboxing video? 478 00:22:55,209 --> 00:22:56,751 -For a brief time, when I was younger, 479 00:22:56,752 --> 00:22:58,794 everyone was very into watching 480 00:22:58,795 --> 00:23:01,006 other people open stuff on camera. 481 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,051 SOPHIE'S SON: Sounds dark. -Mm, it was. 482 00:23:05,928 --> 00:23:07,471 But, anyway... 483 00:23:48,303 --> 00:23:49,303 -Hello? 484 00:23:49,304 --> 00:23:52,473 -Hi, Drew. It's Sophie, 485 00:23:52,474 --> 00:23:54,100 Jesse's photographer friend. 486 00:23:54,101 --> 00:23:55,853 -Oh. Hi. 487 00:23:56,937 --> 00:24:00,314 -Jesse said that you asked for my number, so... 488 00:24:00,315 --> 00:24:02,567 well, I thought I'd beat you to the punch. 489 00:24:02,568 --> 00:24:05,278 -Oh, amazing. You know, I was going crazy 490 00:24:05,279 --> 00:24:06,863 trying to figure out where I know you from, 491 00:24:06,864 --> 00:24:08,739 and then I realized that we met 492 00:24:08,740 --> 00:24:10,700 at Sid and Hannah's engagement party. 493 00:24:10,701 --> 00:24:12,202 -We did? 494 00:24:14,580 --> 00:24:16,163 Excuse me! You wouldn't happen to have 495 00:24:16,164 --> 00:24:17,915 a cell phone charger handy, would you? 496 00:24:17,916 --> 00:24:21,044 -Oh, uh, yeah. Never leave home without it. 497 00:24:21,587 --> 00:24:22,837 -Thanks! 498 00:24:22,838 --> 00:24:25,007 -Yeah. Yeah, Hannah's a college friend. 499 00:24:27,009 --> 00:24:29,219 So, uh, what are you doing Friday night? 500 00:24:29,928 --> 00:24:31,513 -Having dinner with you. 501 00:24:31,514 --> 00:24:33,514 ---oOo--- 37678

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