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1
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:18,518
-Son, this is the story of the time
2
00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:22,146
I tried to help someone else
fix all their dating problems
3
00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:24,065
through the magic of photography.
4
00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:25,692
SOPHIE'S SON: I feel like we've derailed.
5
00:00:26,568 --> 00:00:29,446
-I gave you life. You give me one night.
6
00:00:30,656 --> 00:00:33,115
Now, back in 2022,
7
00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:36,661
having the perfect profile
photo was a very big deal.
8
00:00:36,662 --> 00:00:39,247
-Ugh. All my photos are terrible.
9
00:00:39,248 --> 00:00:41,207
Forget it! I'm not joining Tinder.
10
00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:43,584
I'll just die alone or with Sid.
11
00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:46,964
-What? No, dude. Hannah and I plan
on dying at the exact same time at 98...
12
00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:49,674
mid-penetrayshe.
13
00:00:49,675 --> 00:00:52,593
And you were not invited to that party.
-That's fine!
14
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:54,595
Alone it is. Anything's better
15
00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:57,056
than joining these ridiculous apps. Why?
16
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,225
You'd do great on the apps.
17
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:01,144
You're a cool, handsome musician.
18
00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:03,771
-Well, thank you, but no.
19
00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:07,400
Actually, what I am is a part-time
music teacher who drives Uber
20
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,445
and is internet famous for
his rejected marriage proposal.
21
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:12,905
-Look, if I join Tinder, I'm
just going to get a bunch
22
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:16,033
of mean messages from people that
recognize me as the Proposal Fail Guy.
23
00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:19,704
I mean, l-l-let's just take a glimpse
at my Instagram DMs, shall we?
24
00:01:19,705 --> 00:01:22,249
Uh... "You don't deserve to have balls."
25
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,585
Uh, "LOL, you suck."
26
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:27,920
But "suck" is spelled with five k's.
27
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,381
Uh, "You have kind eyes."
28
00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:32,718
Okay, well, that one doesn't count
'cause it's from our Aunt Karen.
29
00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:37,054
-You know, who cares
about random internet trolls?
30
00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:40,683
Jesse, I've been out with 87 app guys this year.
31
00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:41,643
-88.
32
00:01:42,853 --> 00:01:44,729
Oh, it was 87 before you struck out with Ian,
33
00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:47,148
so now, technically, it's 88.
34
00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:48,775
-Oh, got it. Thanks.
35
00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:51,569
88 guys, okay,
36
00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:53,696
and I haven't given up on finding someone.
37
00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:56,199
I refuse to let you quit before
you've even gotten started.
38
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,992
-I don't know...
-I say
39
00:01:57,993 --> 00:02:00,119
if you don't want to join Tinder, don't join.
40
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:00,870
-Thank you!
41
00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:03,623
-You can always spend
your Saturday nights with...
42
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:05,583
Postmates and Pornhub.
43
00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:06,667
-Ugh, stop.
44
00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:08,878
-Your Kung Pao shrimp in one hand,
45
00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:09,963
your man shrimp in the other...
46
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,549
-Soy sauce dripping on your downtown dumpling--
47
00:02:13,550 --> 00:02:16,427
-Okay! Fine! I'll join!
48
00:02:16,428 --> 00:02:19,347
-You know what? I'm going
to help you crush on Tinder.
49
00:02:19,348 --> 00:02:21,974
If there's one thing I know from my 87-- -88.
50
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,435
-We get it! You can count!
51
00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:26,479
88 app guys,
52
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:29,482
it's how to create a profile
that makes a girl swipe right.
53
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,275
Let me do this for you, Jesse.
54
00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:32,401
Repeat after me.
55
00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:36,364
"Today is the first chapter
of my next great love story."
56
00:02:36,365 --> 00:02:38,533
-Okay. I'm never going to say that,
57
00:02:38,534 --> 00:02:40,701
but I will accept your weird offer.
58
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:42,245
-Great! Okay, first,
59
00:02:42,246 --> 00:02:45,206
I have to take the greatest
photo of you ever for your profile.
60
00:02:45,207 --> 00:02:46,332
-Mm-hmm.
61
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,959
-You're gonna be drowning in internet honeys.
62
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,586
You're going to be like, "I can't
breathe! There's too many honeys!"
63
00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:51,921
-Okay.
64
00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,339
Uh, well, I teach music classes tomorrow,
65
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:54,882
but maybe we could do it during my lunch break?
66
00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:56,552
-Perfect. I'll meet you there.
67
00:02:57,261 --> 00:03:00,304
Jesse, life's gonna be alright.
-Mm-hmm.
68
00:03:00,305 --> 00:03:02,057
-Life's a nightmare.
69
00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:04,809
-Aw, babe. No luck apartment hunting?
70
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:07,395
-No. Turns out, searching
for apartments in this city
71
00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:09,522
without access to your trust fund's impossible.
72
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:12,024
I have no idea how you poors did it.
73
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,861
-Charlie! We've talked
about using "poor" as a noun.
74
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:16,571
ELLEN: Charlie's right.
75
00:03:16,572 --> 00:03:18,239
I'm looking for a place, too.
76
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,409
I just got my harvest check
from the farm I share with my ex.
77
00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:24,288
Our love may have wilted,
but our butter lettuce is poppin'.
78
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:26,914
-Wait, you still get farm money?
79
00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:28,291
Why aren't you paying us rent?
80
00:03:28,292 --> 00:03:30,501
-Because I'm on my way out.
81
00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:31,502
I gotta be.
82
00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:32,837
-Mikey!
83
00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:35,214
You tell your mom your bedtime is bullshit, okay?
84
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,092
-Stop crying, Mikey!
85
00:03:38,093 --> 00:03:40,011
-Why don't you and Charlie shack up?
86
00:03:40,012 --> 00:03:42,180
Because you can afford a way
better place with a roommate.
87
00:03:42,181 --> 00:03:44,473
-Oh my god, let's do it! Alright.
88
00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:47,476
Should we get a grand piano or a
normal piano? Hm? Who am I kidding?
89
00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:49,353
If you're going to get a
piano, you might as well go big.
90
00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:50,898
Alright, grand it is. Sorry.
91
00:03:51,607 --> 00:03:54,109
-I'm not really a... roommate person.
92
00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:57,236
-All good, you know.
93
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,615
Because I very much see
myself as a lone wolf anyway.
94
00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:02,867
Solitary and... and serious.
95
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:04,327
Often nude...
96
00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:06,746
-I'm sure you can find someone
else to be your roommate--
97
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,248
-I did say, "all good."
98
00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:13,754
-Let's do this!
99
00:04:14,338 --> 00:04:16,380
Okay, repeat after me.
"Today is the first chapter" --
100
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:17,841
-Never gonna say it.
101
00:04:18,884 --> 00:04:20,928
-Well, relax your body.
102
00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:23,055
Shake it out a little.
103
00:04:23,722 --> 00:04:25,724
Angle towards me.
-Alright, ready? How's this?
104
00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:32,563
-Um, why are you looking up?
105
00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:34,106
-It's my go-to look.
106
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,525
I have a really prominent Adam's apple,
107
00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:37,193
which I have heard on good authority women
108
00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:38,861
find irresistible.
109
00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:40,072
-What women?
110
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:43,116
-Not my mom, if that's what you're thinking.
111
00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:46,077
-Okay. Maybe posing is not our friend.
112
00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:48,455
Let's-let's do something,
like, a little more natural.
113
00:04:49,164 --> 00:04:50,666
We could, um...
114
00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,793
And you're unpacking hummus.
115
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,920
-Yeah. Let's get some of me snacking, right?
116
00:04:55,921 --> 00:04:57,213
And make sure you get the backpack,
117
00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:59,131
so it's clear that I packed this hummus myself
118
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,801
because backpack hummus says that I'm prepared,
119
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:04,096
frugal, and health conscious.
120
00:05:04,847 --> 00:05:06,014
-Your mom tell you that, too?
121
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:09,017
-Fine. No hummus.
122
00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,394
But just make sure to get my teeth, okay?
123
00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:13,689
I didn't do two rounds of Invisalign for nothing.
124
00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:23,489
-What's that?
-Package from Hannah.
125
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:24,949
Probably our HelloFresh meal for tonight.
126
00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:28,369
We do weekly FaceTime
cooking dates to stay connected.
127
00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:29,787
I think tonight we're making baked cod.
128
00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:32,790
-That's your secret to a happy
long-distance relationship?
129
00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:34,751
Watching each other eat fish?
130
00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:37,753
-"Thought we could spice things up tonight."
131
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,839
Hm, spice things up? What is this?
132
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,424
A last-minute switch to Thai?
133
00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:43,594
She is so bad.
134
00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:48,724
The Vyper Ace Interactive Male... Stroker?
135
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:50,767
What is this?
136
00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:54,228
-She sent you a sex toy.
And not just any sex toy.
137
00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:57,190
That is the Birkin bag of sex toys. It has...
138
00:05:57,191 --> 00:05:58,691
three motors.
139
00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,610
-So fire.
-What?
140
00:06:00,611 --> 00:06:02,236
-Hey, I gotta record my podcast.
141
00:06:02,237 --> 00:06:04,239
I'll be back in, like, three hours. Okay...
142
00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:08,201
-This thing? Game changer.
143
00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:09,577
So, there's a separate toy for her,
144
00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:12,163
and you can control each
other's devices with an app.
145
00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:15,124
-I don't know. I'm not really a sex toy guy.
146
00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:17,001
I'm not even a toy guy.
147
00:06:17,002 --> 00:06:20,296
I had a bad experience with
a Lego astronaut as a kid.
148
00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:23,090
He got lost... inside me.
149
00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:25,384
-Look... I don't care
150
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,887
if you stuffed a Lego astronaut
up your butt when you were little.
151
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:30,556
-What? I didn't do that. I swallowed it.
152
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:31,600
-With your butt?
153
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:36,270
-I'm just gonna text Hannah
and tell her I can't do this.
154
00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:37,688
-Uh-uh-uh! Sid,
155
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:41,025
Hannah is trying to keep
things fresh and fun and hot
156
00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:42,443
from 3,000 miles away!
157
00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:45,447
She is putting herself out there,
so you need to put yourself in there.
158
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:49,909
-Yeah, you're right, you're right. Okay.
159
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,953
Okay. Okay!
160
00:06:51,954 --> 00:06:54,080
So, what? Li'l Sid just...
161
00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:55,706
goes into the black tube?
162
00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:58,292
-Your nickname for your
penis has the word "li'l" in it?
163
00:06:58,293 --> 00:07:01,338
-Yeah. It's ironic 'cause he's comically large.
164
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:07,761
-Ellen?
165
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,847
-Oh... Hey.
166
00:07:10,848 --> 00:07:12,683
-I guess we have the same
taste in apartments, huh?
167
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:16,770
-Hey. Maybe we should be roommates, after all.
168
00:07:17,479 --> 00:07:19,773
Just kidding. I know that
roommates aren't your thing.
169
00:07:20,232 --> 00:07:23,193
-Hi. I'm Ralph, Ellen's new roommate.
170
00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:26,863
-See, I thought that I... I get it.
171
00:07:26,864 --> 00:07:29,824
Well, Ralph must be, like, your
best childhood pal or something.
172
00:07:29,825 --> 00:07:31,367
-I met him on Craigslist an hour ago.
173
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:33,953
-Wow. Okay, well, that is hurtful.
174
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,956
And also dangerous. That man could be a...
175
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,624
: Pervert.
176
00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:40,627
-Hey, I'm a good guy.
177
00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:42,880
I'm going to go test out the bathtub.
178
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:47,300
-Look, Charlie, the truth is
179
00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:49,218
I just don't think we'd be
a good fit to live together.
180
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,720
I'm brand new to New York.
181
00:07:50,721 --> 00:07:53,223
I need to live with someone who isn't so...
182
00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:55,684
-clueless.
-Clueless?
183
00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:58,811
I know my way around this city.
184
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:01,231
I even learned to keep my
mouth closed on the subway.
185
00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:03,609
-Open your mouth for a treat.
186
00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:06,903
-Ah!
187
00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:09,280
That was not a treat!
188
00:08:09,281 --> 00:08:12,784
Yes, I got very drunk trying to
disinfect my tongue, but I learned!
189
00:08:16,622 --> 00:08:18,331
-I'm sorry, what is this now?
190
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,500
-It's the Karate Kid.
191
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,461
Alright, break's over. You think we got it?
192
00:08:23,045 --> 00:08:24,254
-Do you think we got it?
193
00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:26,380
-Jesse!
-Yeah?
194
00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:29,634
-I've practicing my Twinkle
Twinkle, and it's getting really good!
195
00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:32,553
-Great! I know you've been working
really hard, and it's a complicated song.
196
00:08:32,554 --> 00:08:34,473
Some might say poetic.
197
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:38,392
-Hey, kid. Do me a favor.
198
00:08:38,393 --> 00:08:40,811
Hold this light reflector up for me?
199
00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:43,314
Come on, I'll give you an Altoid.
200
00:08:43,315 --> 00:08:44,733
Here we go. Quick. I don't wanna miss this shot.
201
00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:48,569
-Uh, uh, Sophie, please stop
photographing me and this child.
202
00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:50,613
-Okay, but this could actually work.
203
00:08:50,614 --> 00:08:53,366
Okay, you, this cute kid? This is money!
204
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:54,826
MAN: Jesse!
205
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:56,661
-Drew.
206
00:08:56,662 --> 00:08:58,412
Hi. Sophie,
207
00:08:58,413 --> 00:09:00,164
this is Drew.
208
00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:01,874
The vice principal.
209
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,377
-What's going on here?
-Oh...
210
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:07,171
Jesse needs a date, real bad,
211
00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:09,675
and this little boy's the only hope we've got.
212
00:09:12,678 --> 00:09:14,179
-Where's my Altoid?
213
00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:21,978
-Drew, listen--
-Let me explain.
214
00:09:21,979 --> 00:09:23,897
We're taking these photos for Tinder.
215
00:09:25,274 --> 00:09:26,691
No, no, no, no, no.
216
00:09:26,692 --> 00:09:28,734
For Jesse's Tinder!
217
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:31,654
To get him dates! We are
not trying to get children dates.
218
00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:33,282
I am very much against children dating.
219
00:09:33,991 --> 00:09:36,784
-So, this was all just to get
Jesse a new Tinder profile pic?
220
00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:39,620
-Yes.
-Good luck with that.
221
00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:43,082
Jesse's signature looking-up face
ruined the faculty photo this year.
222
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:46,085
It-it was like he was seeing an
airplane for the very first time.
223
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,628
-I know, right?
224
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:49,881
"My god, a flying machine.
225
00:09:49,882 --> 00:09:51,925
Whatever will they think of next?"
226
00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:56,930
-Hey, have we met before? You-you look familiar.
227
00:09:57,806 --> 00:10:00,600
-I don't think so. I have one of those faces.
228
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:03,477
-Oh, I-I don't think you
have one of those faces. I...
229
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,147
I think you have a singularly great face.
230
00:10:07,900 --> 00:10:09,817
Uh, I should go.
231
00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,570
Sophie, it's very nice to meet you.
232
00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:15,823
I do need to ask you to leave
the premises immediately.
233
00:10:15,824 --> 00:10:17,326
But it was very nice meeting you.
234
00:10:17,826 --> 00:10:20,996
-You, too. I understand.
235
00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:25,875
-Wow. He was super into you,
236
00:10:25,876 --> 00:10:28,711
even though you were giving
off strong Amber Alert vibes.
237
00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:30,506
-Really? You think so?
238
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:34,467
-Doesn't matter. Today is
"help Jesse find love" day.
239
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:36,469
-Yeah, Jesse's done, okay?
240
00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:39,598
-Stop. Okay, okay, maybe
the apps aren't your vibe.
241
00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:42,725
Legend has it, occasionally,
242
00:10:42,726 --> 00:10:44,353
people still meet in real life.
243
00:10:44,770 --> 00:10:47,063
Come on. Let's go to a bar. I'll be your wingman.
244
00:10:47,064 --> 00:10:47,980
-I can't.
245
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,149
-Stop making excuses, and let me help you.
246
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,150
-I'm not making excuses.
247
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:54,070
It's 1:30 PM on a Tuesday. I'm at work.
248
00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:55,572
-Right.
249
00:10:56,740 --> 00:10:57,991
Okay. We'll go later.
250
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:03,080
Normal work hours are so random.
251
00:11:05,541 --> 00:11:08,125
Remember, the camera adds 10 pounds,
252
00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:10,838
so your best angle naked is from high up.
253
00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:14,341
But, not too high! You don't
want Li'l Sid to get too li'l.
254
00:11:15,259 --> 00:11:16,884
-Okay. Wow.
255
00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:19,262
I mean, you could give a TED
Talk on cross-country coitus.
256
00:11:19,263 --> 00:11:20,972
-Aw, you're sweet.
257
00:11:20,973 --> 00:11:22,932
I've been in a ton of LDRs.
258
00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:24,893
I was in a pretty serious one
with the ambassador to Peru.
259
00:11:25,561 --> 00:11:28,272
And then, I had a very
hot thing with a Polish pilot.
260
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,940
It is true what they say about the Polish.
261
00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:34,444
-No idea what they say, but
wow. You have lived a life.
262
00:11:35,112 --> 00:11:36,612
-Alright!
263
00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:39,449
I think my work here is done.
264
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,287
-Ah!
-Get it!
265
00:11:44,288 --> 00:11:45,663
-I'm trying!
-Well, try harder!
266
00:11:45,664 --> 00:11:48,125
-Well, I didn't think it'd play hard to get!
267
00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:51,879
-Good day.
268
00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:56,007
-I know that you have many
interested parties, such as her,
269
00:11:56,008 --> 00:11:58,176
but I want this apartment so much,
270
00:11:58,177 --> 00:12:00,678
I'm prepared to pay a year's cash upfront
271
00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:02,890
and five percent over the asking.
272
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,726
-Let me think about that--Okay, yes, deal.
273
00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:11,397
-I thought you said you didn't have any money.
274
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:14,609
-Well, I realized that I can pawn my gold spoon.
275
00:12:14,610 --> 00:12:16,652
-This is exactly what I was talking about.
276
00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,946
I don't want to live with some clueless rich guy
277
00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:22,868
who was born with a literal gold
spoon in his mouth! Come on, Ralph!
278
00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:24,912
-Not cool.
279
00:12:26,038 --> 00:12:27,580
-I wasn't born with it in my mouth.
280
00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:30,876
It was gently placed in my hand
while I napped in my diamond crib.
281
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,923
You can't put a gold spoon in a baby's mouth.
282
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:38,717
Choking hazard.
283
00:12:45,307 --> 00:12:47,434
-It's Drew. He's asking for your phone number.
284
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,270
-Really?
-Yeah, should I give it to him?
285
00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:54,690
-Nah, no. He's not really my type.
-Really?
286
00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:56,651
You guys were all giggling and smiling
287
00:12:56,652 --> 00:12:58,570
and talking about how singular your face is.
288
00:12:59,029 --> 00:13:02,199
-I said I'm good. Now, stop
trying to change the subject, okay?
289
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:04,201
Go talk to her.
290
00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:06,995
-And say what?
291
00:13:07,496 --> 00:13:09,915
-How about, uh... "Hey!
292
00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:12,960
I think you're gonna like me."
-So, lie to her?
293
00:13:14,336 --> 00:13:15,546
Fine.
294
00:13:19,842 --> 00:13:21,760
-Hey!
-Hey.
295
00:13:23,387 --> 00:13:25,304
-I think you're gonna like me.
296
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,557
-Oh, am I?
297
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:29,475
-Honestly, it could go either way.
298
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,143
I mean, some people think that I'm charming,
299
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,646
but other people kind of
find me, like, to be a lot.
300
00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:35,022
Uh...
301
00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:36,732
I could buy you a drink if you're interested
302
00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:38,819
in figuring out which category you fit into.
303
00:13:40,279 --> 00:13:41,821
-Sure. I'll have a margarita.
304
00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:42,948
-Okay.
305
00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:49,496
-She will have a margarita.
306
00:13:57,171 --> 00:13:59,922
-Hey, babe. Hey. Whoa,
307
00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:02,633
you look amazing! Great angle.
308
00:14:02,634 --> 00:14:05,887
-Really? 'Cause I didn't
even think about my setup.
309
00:14:05,888 --> 00:14:08,806
-Okay, I'm turning mine...
310
00:14:08,807 --> 00:14:10,224
on.
311
00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:12,227
-Okay, well, watch out 'cause
soon I'll be turning you on.
312
00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:17,107
Uh... Wait, something's wrong with mine.
313
00:14:18,108 --> 00:14:20,611
God, the WiFi in here is so bad.
314
00:14:23,322 --> 00:14:24,364
Come with me.
315
00:14:27,743 --> 00:14:29,244
Anyone home?
316
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,623
Alright.
317
00:14:33,332 --> 00:14:35,416
Yeah, the signal's way better in here
318
00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:37,586
Okay.
319
00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:43,966
Let me just open the
app that controls your toy...
320
00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:46,302
MICHAEL BARBARO: Today on The Daily...
321
00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:48,095
-This thing has a speaker!
-...the survivor
322
00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:49,680
of a rare bacterial infection...
323
00:14:49,681 --> 00:14:52,141
-Is that... The Daily?
...talks to us about losing
324
00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:54,477
all his limbs...
-Yeah, I'm trying to turn it off.
325
00:14:54,478 --> 00:14:56,270
BARBARO: ...and most of his lower face.
326
00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:57,814
I'm Michael Barbaro.
327
00:14:59,858 --> 00:15:00,858
-Okay.
328
00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:02,151
-Okay.
329
00:15:02,152 --> 00:15:04,404
-Where were we?
330
00:15:08,534 --> 00:15:10,369
Yeah. Hannah, I can't do this.
331
00:15:11,370 --> 00:15:14,121
Alright, Li'l Sid's stuck
in a Chinese finger trap.
332
00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:16,415
Big Sid can't stop thinking about
flesh-eating bacteria. I mean,
333
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:19,335
this sucks even more than cooking FaceTime fish!
334
00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:21,421
Which I have to pretend to
be psyched about once a week.
335
00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:24,048
-I know it sucks.
336
00:15:24,049 --> 00:15:26,801
Long-distance relationships suck,
337
00:15:26,802 --> 00:15:29,221
but at least I'm trying!
338
00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:35,768
BARBARO: Here's what else you need to know today.
339
00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:38,813
-No! There's nothing else I need
340
00:15:38,814 --> 00:15:40,189
: To know today!
341
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:41,400
Michael!
342
00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:44,610
-Uh, another drink?
343
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:46,405
-I'd love that!
-Okay, great.
344
00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:54,704
-Siri. Text Fort Greene Girls.
345
00:15:54,705 --> 00:15:58,499
"OMG. You will not believe
was hitting on me right now!"
346
00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:00,877
All caps. "Proposal Fail Guy.
347
00:16:00,878 --> 00:16:03,504
"I literally cannot! I'm dying!
348
00:16:03,505 --> 00:16:06,716
I'm gonna try to get him to
sing me his sad proposal song."
349
00:16:06,717 --> 00:16:07,842
L-O-L, exclamation,
350
00:16:07,843 --> 00:16:10,678
skull face, exclamation,
L-O-L, exclamation, skull face,
351
00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:12,389
-exclamation, L-O--
-Excuse me.
352
00:16:13,098 --> 00:16:16,559
-We're getting drinks from the bar,
but I'll have a water and fries. Thank you!
353
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:17,895
-I'm not your waitress.
354
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,649
Okay, I get the confusion.
355
00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:25,651
But, this is about my friend Jesse, okay?
356
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:28,029
And he is not some punchline for you to tell
357
00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:30,031
your dumb friends about at boozy brunch.
358
00:16:30,032 --> 00:16:32,783
He's an incredible guy, and I am killing myself
359
00:16:32,784 --> 00:16:34,786
to make him believe that he will find love.
360
00:16:35,287 --> 00:16:38,247
Do you know how hard it is to believe that?
361
00:16:38,248 --> 00:16:42,043
Do you know what it's
like to go on 87 first dates?
362
00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:43,461
No, 88.
363
00:16:43,462 --> 00:16:45,838
88 first dates and have none of them lead
364
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:48,342
to anything even close to a real relationship?
365
00:16:48,884 --> 00:16:51,219
Have you ever met a totally cute,
366
00:16:51,220 --> 00:16:52,929
nice vice principal who wants to take you out,
367
00:16:52,930 --> 00:16:54,639
and all you can think about is why?
368
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:55,932
What's the point?
369
00:16:55,933 --> 00:16:58,267
If I say yes, he's inevitably
just going to turn into
370
00:16:58,268 --> 00:16:59,770
failed date number 89!
371
00:17:00,646 --> 00:17:03,523
-Yes. Actually, I know exactly what you mean.
372
00:17:03,524 --> 00:17:05,608
Dating in this city is killing me and seriously--
373
00:17:05,609 --> 00:17:08,695
-No! No, no, you do not
get to be relatable right now.
374
00:17:09,655 --> 00:17:12,240
-Okay, look. Yes, I was texting my friends
375
00:17:12,241 --> 00:17:14,534
about meeting Proposal Fail Guy,
376
00:17:14,535 --> 00:17:16,452
but I still wanted to sleep with him.
377
00:17:16,453 --> 00:17:18,913
Uh, is the "sleeping with me" thing
378
00:17:18,914 --> 00:17:20,623
still on the table or...
379
00:17:20,624 --> 00:17:23,418
-No. Your mean waitress friend ruined it!
380
00:17:24,211 --> 00:17:25,462
-Waitress?
381
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,344
-I think you're gonna like me.
382
00:17:40,435 --> 00:17:42,937
-Hey. Thanks for letting me borrow all this.
383
00:17:42,938 --> 00:17:45,690
-How'd it go?
-Very, very poorly.
384
00:17:45,691 --> 00:17:48,484
-I can tell. If you'd used
the Vyper Ace correctly,
385
00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:50,487
you wouldn't be walking right now.
386
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:52,905
Talk to me.
387
00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:54,156
-Um...
388
00:17:54,157 --> 00:17:56,075
When Hannah took the residency in LA,
389
00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:58,828
we promised each other we wouldn't
be like other long-distance couples.
390
00:17:58,829 --> 00:18:01,456
Like, we'd make time for our relationship, but...
391
00:18:02,583 --> 00:18:05,084
between her surgery rotations
and me trying to keep this bar afloat,
392
00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:06,545
it's just harder than I thought it would be.
393
00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:08,547
To feel close to her.
394
00:18:09,131 --> 00:18:11,425
And I hate it. I just miss her.
395
00:18:12,718 --> 00:18:14,802
I just want to cook dinner in
the same room as Hannah.
396
00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:17,431
Or, like, read the newspaper
with her on a Sunday.
397
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,892
Have sex with her human vagina.
398
00:18:20,893 --> 00:18:22,895
-That is so romantic.
399
00:18:24,104 --> 00:18:25,898
I have an idea.
-Yeah?
400
00:18:26,523 --> 00:18:28,025
-God, you are lucky you met me!
401
00:18:32,404 --> 00:18:35,281
-I'm sorry about tonight.
-That's okay.
402
00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:38,493
Camilla didn't look like she
was very good at sex anyway.
403
00:18:39,828 --> 00:18:41,830
-Yeah, she did.
-Yeah, she did.
404
00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:47,753
All that stuff you said to her, that was, uh...
405
00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:49,713
kind of intense, huh?
406
00:18:50,631 --> 00:18:53,174
-You remember that night when we met at the bar,
407
00:18:53,175 --> 00:18:56,511
and you guessed that my parents
had a really happy marriage?
408
00:18:56,512 --> 00:18:59,515
-I'm so sorry about that.
Valentina told me I was way off.
409
00:19:00,557 --> 00:19:01,558
-Yeah.
410
00:19:02,476 --> 00:19:03,477
You were.
411
00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:05,312
Hm.
412
00:19:08,065 --> 00:19:10,567
My childhood was kind of a mess.
413
00:19:11,443 --> 00:19:15,239
It was just my mom and I bouncing around
from one boyfriend's house to the next.
414
00:19:16,532 --> 00:19:19,826
We were more like, you know,
sisters than mother-daughter.
415
00:19:20,869 --> 00:19:23,246
And I was the big sister.
-Oof.
416
00:19:23,247 --> 00:19:24,498
-Always...
417
00:19:25,123 --> 00:19:27,417
picking up the pieces after every breakup.
418
00:19:29,294 --> 00:19:31,380
And I got really good at fixing her.
419
00:19:33,465 --> 00:19:36,844
So, fixer became my go-to mode.
420
00:19:38,512 --> 00:19:41,014
Especially when I can't figure
out how to fix things for myself.
421
00:19:43,141 --> 00:19:46,436
-Uh, fix things for yourself, you mean...
422
00:19:46,937 --> 00:19:49,940
-You know, like, find my person.
423
00:19:51,692 --> 00:19:53,734
I want to so bad,
424
00:19:53,735 --> 00:19:57,030
and it just... keeps not happening.
425
00:19:58,657 --> 00:20:00,033
-Okay. Sophie...
426
00:20:00,701 --> 00:20:04,245
Repeat after me. "Today is the first chapter
427
00:20:04,246 --> 00:20:07,416
of my next great love story." Come on.
428
00:20:09,877 --> 00:20:12,837
-Today is the first chapter of my...
429
00:20:12,838 --> 00:20:15,841
next great love story.
-Next... Love story. Hell yeah.
430
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:20,761
-Alright, this is me.
431
00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:22,973
Good night, Sophie.
-Good night, Jesse.
432
00:20:30,814 --> 00:20:33,399
-Open your mouth for a treat.
433
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,902
-Not tonight, Frank.
434
00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:42,326
-Hi.
435
00:20:44,578 --> 00:20:46,079
-Hi.
436
00:20:46,788 --> 00:20:48,916
-How how's your amazing new apartment?
437
00:20:50,334 --> 00:20:52,002
-Didn't exactly work out.
438
00:20:52,461 --> 00:20:54,922
Smile and say, "new apartment"!
439
00:20:56,715 --> 00:20:58,716
-Alright, that was fun.
440
00:20:58,717 --> 00:21:00,385
How about that year of rent you promised?
441
00:21:00,886 --> 00:21:02,137
-On it.
442
00:21:04,264 --> 00:21:05,806
Ah!
443
00:21:05,807 --> 00:21:06,933
-Ugh.
444
00:21:06,934 --> 00:21:09,895
Well, if makes you feel any
better, my day wasn't great, either.
445
00:21:10,395 --> 00:21:12,813
-Hi. I'd like to open a line of credit.
446
00:21:12,814 --> 00:21:16,359
My name's Ellen, and my
social security number is...
447
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:19,612
-He bought a camcorder, a
bra, and three jars of honey
448
00:21:19,613 --> 00:21:21,323
before I could cancel the credit card.
449
00:21:21,782 --> 00:21:23,534
He was definitely a pervert.
450
00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:27,496
-Look, Ellen, I'm really sorry
I tried to steal the apartment.
451
00:21:28,330 --> 00:21:31,249
-I'm sorry for lying to you
about wanting a roommate.
452
00:21:31,250 --> 00:21:34,293
Maybe I don't need a grizzled
New Yorker to show me the ropes.
453
00:21:34,294 --> 00:21:36,712
Maybe I just need a good person
454
00:21:36,713 --> 00:21:38,464
who won't steal my identity,
455
00:21:38,465 --> 00:21:41,260
and we can figure out how
to crush the city together.
456
00:21:42,386 --> 00:21:44,637
I mean, if you'd still have me?
457
00:21:44,638 --> 00:21:47,890
-Absolutely. Together, we
will take this city by storm.
458
00:21:47,891 --> 00:21:50,351
We are not afraid of you, New York.
459
00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:52,271
-We're the bravest people in the city!
460
00:22:01,238 --> 00:22:02,948
-Hey.
-Hi!
461
00:22:03,615 --> 00:22:05,324
What are you doing here?
462
00:22:05,325 --> 00:22:07,828
-This is me, uh, trying.
463
00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:16,711
-That is so sweet.
464
00:22:16,712 --> 00:22:19,755
But, that last-minute flight
must have cost you a fortune.
465
00:22:19,756 --> 00:22:23,092
-Not really. I mean, it's a
long story, but I got hooked up.
466
00:22:23,093 --> 00:22:25,303
I have this friend who was
in a long-distance relationship
467
00:22:25,304 --> 00:22:27,306
with a Polish pilot. Yeah.
-Huh...
468
00:22:28,265 --> 00:22:30,933
-Like I said, back in 2022,
469
00:22:30,934 --> 00:22:34,353
having a great profile photo was essential,
470
00:22:34,354 --> 00:22:37,398
but it wasn't everything.
You also had to be willing
471
00:22:37,399 --> 00:22:39,025
to put yourself out there,
472
00:22:39,026 --> 00:22:41,319
time and time again,
473
00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:44,614
even when you just wanted
to curl up under a blanket
474
00:22:44,615 --> 00:22:46,574
with a box of Froot Loops,
475
00:22:46,575 --> 00:22:48,451
a box of wine,
476
00:22:48,452 --> 00:22:51,287
and some unboxing videos.
477
00:22:51,288 --> 00:22:53,290
SOPHIE'S SON: What the hell is an unboxing video?
478
00:22:55,209 --> 00:22:56,751
-For a brief time, when I was younger,
479
00:22:56,752 --> 00:22:58,794
everyone was very into watching
480
00:22:58,795 --> 00:23:01,006
other people open stuff on camera.
481
00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,051
SOPHIE'S SON: Sounds dark.
-Mm, it was.
482
00:23:05,928 --> 00:23:07,471
But, anyway...
483
00:23:48,303 --> 00:23:49,303
-Hello?
484
00:23:49,304 --> 00:23:52,473
-Hi, Drew. It's Sophie,
485
00:23:52,474 --> 00:23:54,100
Jesse's photographer friend.
486
00:23:54,101 --> 00:23:55,853
-Oh. Hi.
487
00:23:56,937 --> 00:24:00,314
-Jesse said that you asked for my number, so...
488
00:24:00,315 --> 00:24:02,567
well, I thought I'd beat you to the punch.
489
00:24:02,568 --> 00:24:05,278
-Oh, amazing. You know, I was going crazy
490
00:24:05,279 --> 00:24:06,863
trying to figure out where I know you from,
491
00:24:06,864 --> 00:24:08,739
and then I realized that we met
492
00:24:08,740 --> 00:24:10,700
at Sid and Hannah's engagement party.
493
00:24:10,701 --> 00:24:12,202
-We did?
494
00:24:14,580 --> 00:24:16,163
Excuse me! You wouldn't happen to have
495
00:24:16,164 --> 00:24:17,915
a cell phone charger handy, would you?
496
00:24:17,916 --> 00:24:21,044
-Oh, uh, yeah. Never leave home without it.
497
00:24:21,587 --> 00:24:22,837
-Thanks!
498
00:24:22,838 --> 00:24:25,007
-Yeah. Yeah, Hannah's a college friend.
499
00:24:27,009 --> 00:24:29,219
So, uh, what are you doing Friday night?
500
00:24:29,928 --> 00:24:31,513
-Having dinner with you.
501
00:24:31,514 --> 00:24:33,514
---oOo---
37678
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