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1
00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:14,064
Ripped and corrected by
- YoungJedi -
2
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:18,519
Son, this is the story of the time
3
00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:22,147
I tried to help someone else
fix all their dating problems
4
00:00:22,147 --> 00:00:24,066
through the magic of photography.
5
00:00:24,066 --> 00:00:25,692
I feel like we've derailed.
6
00:00:26,568 --> 00:00:29,446
I gave you life.
You give me one night.
7
00:00:30,656 --> 00:00:33,116
Now, back in 2022,
8
00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:36,662
having the perfect profile photo
was a very big deal.
9
00:00:36,662 --> 00:00:39,248
Ugh. All my photos are terrible.
10
00:00:39,248 --> 00:00:41,208
Forget it! I'm not joining Tinder.
11
00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:43,585
I'll just die alone or with Sid.
12
00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:46,964
What? No, dude. Hannah and I plan on
dying at the exact same time at 98...
13
00:00:47,923 --> 00:00:49,675
mid-penetrayshe.
14
00:00:49,675 --> 00:00:52,594
- And you were not invited to that party.
- That's fine!
15
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:54,596
Alone it is. Anything's better
16
00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:57,057
- than joining these ridiculous apps.
- Why?
17
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:59,226
You'd do great on the apps.
18
00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:01,144
You're a cool, handsome musician.
19
00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:03,772
Well, thank you, but no.
20
00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:07,401
Actually, what I am is a part-time
music teacher who drives Uber
21
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,445
and is internet famous for
his rejected marriage proposal.
22
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:12,906
Look, if I join Tinder,
I'm just going to get a bunch
23
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:16,034
of mean messages from people that
recognize me as the Proposal Fail Guy.
24
00:01:16,034 --> 00:01:19,705
I mean, l-l-let's just take a glimpse
at my Instagram DMs, shall we?
25
00:01:19,705 --> 00:01:22,249
Uh... "You don't deserve to have balls."
26
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,586
Uh, "LOL, you suck."
27
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:27,921
But "suck" is spelled with five k's.
28
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,382
Uh, "You have kind eyes."
29
00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:32,718
Okay, well, that one doesn't count
'cause it's from our Aunt Karen.
30
00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:37,055
You know, who cares about
random internet trolls?
31
00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:40,684
Jesse, I've been out with
87 app guys this year.
32
00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:41,643
88.
33
00:01:42,853 --> 00:01:44,730
Oh, it was 87 before
you struck out with Ian,
34
00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:47,149
so now, technically, it's 88.
35
00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:48,775
Oh, got it. Thanks.
36
00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:51,570
88 guys, okay,
37
00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:53,697
and I haven't given up on finding someone.
38
00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:56,200
I refuse to let you quit before
you've even gotten started.
39
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,993
- I don't know...
- I say
40
00:01:57,993 --> 00:02:00,120
if you don't want to join Tinder,
don't join.
41
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:00,871
Thank you!
42
00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:03,624
You can always spend
your Saturday nights with...
43
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:05,584
Postmates and Pornhub.
44
00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:06,668
Ugh, stop.
45
00:02:06,668 --> 00:02:08,879
Your Kung Pao shrimp in one hand,
46
00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:09,963
your man shrimp in the other...
47
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,550
Soy sauce dripping on
your downtown dumpling--
48
00:02:13,550 --> 00:02:16,428
Okay! Fine! I'll join!
49
00:02:16,428 --> 00:02:19,348
You know what? I'm going
to help you crush on Tinder.
50
00:02:19,348 --> 00:02:21,975
- If there's one thing I know from my 87--
- 88.
51
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,435
We get it! You can count!
52
00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:26,480
88 app guys,
53
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:29,483
it's how to create a profile
that makes a girl swipe right.
54
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:31,276
Let me do this for you, Jesse.
55
00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:32,402
Repeat after me.
56
00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:36,365
"Today is the first chapter
of my next great love story."
57
00:02:36,365 --> 00:02:38,534
Okay. I'm never going to say that,
58
00:02:38,534 --> 00:02:40,702
but I will accept your weird offer.
59
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:42,246
Great! Okay, first,
60
00:02:42,246 --> 00:02:45,207
I have to take the greatest photo
of you ever for your profile.
61
00:02:45,207 --> 00:02:46,333
Mm-hmm.
62
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:47,960
You're gonna be drowning
in internet honeys.
63
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,587
You're going to be like, "I can't breathe!
There's too many honeys!"
64
00:02:50,587 --> 00:02:51,922
Okay.
65
00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,340
Uh, well, I teach music classes tomorrow,
66
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:54,883
but maybe we could do it
during my lunch break?
67
00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:56,552
Perfect. I'll meet you there.
68
00:02:57,261 --> 00:03:00,305
- Jesse, life's gonna be alright.
- Mm-hmm.
69
00:03:00,305 --> 00:03:02,057
Life's a nightmare.
70
00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:04,810
Aw, babe. No luck apartment hunting?
71
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:07,396
No. Turns out, searching
for apartments in this city
72
00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:09,523
without access to your
trust fund's impossible.
73
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:12,025
I have no idea how you poors did it.
74
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:14,862
Charlie! We've talked about
using "poor" as a noun.
75
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:16,572
Charlie's right.
76
00:03:16,572 --> 00:03:18,240
I'm looking for a place, too.
77
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:21,410
I just got my harvest check from
the farm I share with my ex.
78
00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:24,288
Our love may have wilted,
but our butter lettuce is poppin'.
79
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:26,915
Wait, you still get farm money?
80
00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:28,292
Why aren't you paying us rent?
81
00:03:28,292 --> 00:03:30,502
Because I'm on my way out.
82
00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:31,503
I gotta be.
83
00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:32,838
Mikey!
84
00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:35,215
You tell your mom
your bedtime is bullshit, okay?
85
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,093
Stop crying, Mikey!
86
00:03:38,093 --> 00:03:40,012
Why don't you and Charlie shack up?
87
00:03:40,012 --> 00:03:42,181
Because you can afford a way
better place with a roommate.
88
00:03:42,181 --> 00:03:44,474
Oh my god, let's do it! Alright.
89
00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:47,477
Should we get a grand piano
or a normal piano? Hm? Who am I kidding?
90
00:03:47,477 --> 00:03:49,354
If you're going to get a piano,
you might as well go big.
91
00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:50,898
- Alright, grand it is.
- Sorry.
92
00:03:51,607 --> 00:03:54,109
I'm not really a... roommate person.
93
00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:57,237
All good, you know.
94
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,615
Because I very much see myself
as a lone wolf anyway.
95
00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:02,868
Solitary and... and serious.
96
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:04,328
Often nude...
97
00:04:04,328 --> 00:04:06,747
I'm sure you can find someone
else to be your roommate--
98
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,248
I did say, "all good."
99
00:04:12,461 --> 00:04:13,754
Let's do this!
100
00:04:14,338 --> 00:04:16,381
Okay, repeat after me.
"Today is the first chapter"--
101
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:17,841
Never gonna say it.
102
00:04:18,884 --> 00:04:20,928
Well, relax your body.
103
00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:23,055
Shake it out a little.
104
00:04:23,722 --> 00:04:25,724
- Angle towards me.
- Alright, ready? How's this?
105
00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:32,564
Um, why are you looking up?
106
00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:34,107
It's my go-to look.
107
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,526
I have a really prominent Adam's apple,
108
00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:37,194
which I have heard on good authority women
109
00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:38,862
find irresistible.
110
00:04:38,862 --> 00:04:40,072
What women?
111
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:43,116
Not my mom,
if that's what you're thinking.
112
00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:46,078
Okay. Maybe posing is not our friend.
113
00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:48,455
Let's-let's do something,
like, a little more natural.
114
00:04:49,164 --> 00:04:50,666
We could, um...
115
00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,794
And you're unpacking hummus.
116
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,921
Yeah. Let's get some
of me snacking, right?
117
00:04:55,921 --> 00:04:57,214
And make sure you get the backpack,
118
00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:59,132
so it's clear that I packed
this hummus myself
119
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:01,802
because backpack hummus
says that I'm prepared,
120
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:04,096
frugal, and health conscious.
121
00:05:04,847 --> 00:05:06,014
Your mom tell you that, too?
122
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:09,017
Fine. No hummus.
123
00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,395
But just make sure to get my teeth, okay?
124
00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:13,689
I didn't do two rounds
of Invisalign for nothing.
125
00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:23,490
- What's that?
- Package from Hannah.
126
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:24,950
Probably our HelloFresh meal for tonight.
127
00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:28,370
We do weekly FaceTime
cooking dates to stay connected.
128
00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:29,788
I think tonight we're making baked cod.
129
00:05:29,788 --> 00:05:32,791
That's your secret to
a happy long-distance relationship?
130
00:05:32,791 --> 00:05:34,751
Watching each other eat fish?
131
00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:37,754
"Thought we could
spice things up tonight."
132
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,840
Hm, spice things up? What is this?
133
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,425
A last-minute switch to Thai?
134
00:05:41,425 --> 00:05:43,594
She is so bad.
135
00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:48,724
The Vyper Ace Interactive Male... Stroker?
136
00:05:49,766 --> 00:05:50,767
What is this?
137
00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:54,229
She sent you a sex toy.
And not just any sex toy.
138
00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:57,191
That is the Birkin bag
of sex toys. It has...
139
00:05:57,191 --> 00:05:58,692
three motors.
140
00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,611
- So fire.
- What?
141
00:06:00,611 --> 00:06:02,237
Hey, I gotta record my podcast.
142
00:06:02,237 --> 00:06:04,239
- I'll be back in, like, three hours.
- Okay...
143
00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:08,202
This thing? Game changer.
144
00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:09,578
So, there's a separate toy for her,
145
00:06:09,578 --> 00:06:12,164
and you can control each
other's devices with an app.
146
00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:15,125
I don't know.
I'm not really a sex toy guy.
147
00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:17,002
I'm not even a toy guy.
148
00:06:17,002 --> 00:06:20,297
I had a bad experience with
a Lego astronaut as a kid.
149
00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:23,091
He got lost... inside me.
150
00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:25,385
Look... I don't care
151
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,888
if you stuffed a Lego astronaut
up your butt when you were little.
152
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:30,557
What? I didn't do that.
I swallowed it.
153
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:31,600
With your butt?
154
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:36,271
I'm just gonna text Hannah
and tell her I can't do this.
155
00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:37,689
Uh-uh-uh! Sid,
156
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:41,026
Hannah is trying to keep things
fresh and fun and hot
157
00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:42,444
from 3,000 miles away!
158
00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:45,447
She is putting herself out there,
so you need to put yourself in there.
159
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:49,910
Yeah, you're right, you're right. Okay.
160
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,954
Okay. Okay!
161
00:06:51,954 --> 00:06:54,081
So, what? Li'l Sid just...
162
00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:55,707
goes into the black tube?
163
00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:58,293
Your nickname for your penis
has the word "li'l" in it?
164
00:06:58,293 --> 00:07:01,338
Yeah. It's ironic
'cause he's comically large.
165
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:07,761
Ellen?
166
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,848
Oh... Hey.
167
00:07:10,848 --> 00:07:12,683
I guess we have the same taste
in apartments, huh?
168
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:16,770
Hey. Maybe we should
be roommates, after all.
169
00:07:17,479 --> 00:07:19,773
Just kidding. I know that
roommates aren't your thing.
170
00:07:20,232 --> 00:07:23,193
Hi. I'm Ralph, Ellen's new roommate.
171
00:07:24,194 --> 00:07:26,864
See, I thought that I... I get it.
172
00:07:26,864 --> 00:07:29,825
Well, Ralph must be, like, your best
childhood pal or something.
173
00:07:29,825 --> 00:07:31,368
I met him on Craigslist an hour ago.
174
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:33,954
Wow. Okay, well, that is hurtful.
175
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,956
And also dangerous.
That man could be a...
176
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,625
pervert.
177
00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:40,627
Hey, I'm a good guy.
178
00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:42,880
I'm going to go test out the bathtub.
179
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:47,301
Look, Charlie, the truth is
180
00:07:47,301 --> 00:07:49,219
I just don't think we'd be
a good fit to live together.
181
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,721
I'm brand new to New York.
182
00:07:50,721 --> 00:07:53,223
I need to live with
someone who isn't so...
183
00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:55,684
- clueless.
- Clueless?
184
00:07:56,685 --> 00:07:58,812
I know my way around this city.
185
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:01,231
I even learned to keep my mouth
closed on the subway.
186
00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:03,609
Open your mouth for a treat.
187
00:08:05,694 --> 00:08:06,904
Ah!
188
00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:09,281
That was not a treat!
189
00:08:09,281 --> 00:08:12,784
Yes, I got very drunk trying to
disinfect my tongue, but I learned!
190
00:08:16,622 --> 00:08:18,332
I'm sorry, what is this now?
191
00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,501
It's the Karate Kid.
192
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,461
Alright, break's over.
You think we got it?
193
00:08:23,045 --> 00:08:24,254
Do you think we got it?
194
00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:26,381
- Jesse!
- Yeah?
195
00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:29,635
I've practicing my Twinkle Twinkle,
and it's getting really good!
196
00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:32,554
Great! I know you've been working
really hard, and it's a complicated song.
197
00:08:32,554 --> 00:08:34,473
Some might say poetic.
198
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:38,393
Hey, kid. Do me a favor.
199
00:08:38,393 --> 00:08:40,812
Hold this light reflector up for me?
200
00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:43,315
Come on, I'll give you an Altoid.
201
00:08:43,315 --> 00:08:44,733
Here we go. Quick.
I don't wanna miss this shot.
202
00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:48,570
Uh, uh, Sophie, please stop
photographing me and this child.
203
00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:50,614
Okay, but this could actually work.
204
00:08:50,614 --> 00:08:53,367
Okay, you, this cute kid? This is money!
205
00:08:53,367 --> 00:08:54,826
Jesse!
206
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:56,662
Drew.
207
00:08:56,662 --> 00:08:58,413
Hi. Sophie,
208
00:08:58,413 --> 00:09:00,165
this is Drew.
209
00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:01,875
The vice principal.
210
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,378
- What's going on here?
- Oh...
211
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:07,172
Jesse needs a date, real bad,
212
00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:09,675
and this little boy's
the only hope we've got.
213
00:09:12,678 --> 00:09:14,179
Where's my Altoid?
214
00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:21,979
- Drew, listen--
- Let me explain.
215
00:09:21,979 --> 00:09:23,897
We're taking these photos for Tinder.
216
00:09:25,274 --> 00:09:26,692
No, no, no, no, no.
217
00:09:26,692 --> 00:09:28,735
For Jesse's Tinder!
218
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:31,655
To get him dates!
We are not trying to get children dates.
219
00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:33,282
I am very much against children dating.
220
00:09:33,991 --> 00:09:36,785
So, this was all just to get
Jesse a new Tinder profile pic?
221
00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:39,621
- Yes.
- Good luck with that.
222
00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:43,083
Jesse's signature looking-up face
ruined the faculty photo this year.
223
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:46,086
It-it was like he was seeing an airplane
for the very first time.
224
00:09:46,086 --> 00:09:47,629
I know, right?
225
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:49,882
"My god, a flying machine.
226
00:09:49,882 --> 00:09:51,925
Whatever will they think of next?"
227
00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:56,930
Hey, have we met before?
You-you look familiar.
228
00:09:57,806 --> 00:10:00,601
I don't think so.
I have one of those faces.
229
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:03,478
Oh, I-I don't think you have
one of those faces. I...
230
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,147
I think you have
a singularly great face.
231
00:10:07,900 --> 00:10:09,818
Uh, I should go.
232
00:10:09,818 --> 00:10:11,570
Sophie, it's very nice to meet you.
233
00:10:13,030 --> 00:10:15,824
I do need to ask you to leave
the premises immediately.
234
00:10:15,824 --> 00:10:17,326
But it was very nice meeting you.
235
00:10:17,826 --> 00:10:20,996
You, too. I understand.
236
00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:25,876
Wow. He was super into you,
237
00:10:25,876 --> 00:10:28,712
even though you were giving off
strong Amber Alert vibes.
238
00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:30,506
Really? You think so?
239
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:34,468
Doesn't matter.
Today is "help Jesse find love" day.
240
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:36,470
Yeah, Jesse's done, okay?
241
00:10:36,470 --> 00:10:39,598
Stop. Okay, okay,
maybe the apps aren't your vibe.
242
00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:42,726
Legend has it, occasionally,
243
00:10:42,726 --> 00:10:44,353
people still meet in real life.
244
00:10:44,770 --> 00:10:47,064
Come on. Let's go to a bar.
I'll be your wingman.
245
00:10:47,064 --> 00:10:47,981
I can't.
246
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,150
Stop making excuses,
and let me help you.
247
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,151
I'm not making excuses.
248
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:54,071
It's 1:30 PM on a Tuesday.
I'm at work.
249
00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:55,572
Right.
250
00:10:56,740 --> 00:10:57,991
Okay. We'll go later.
251
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:03,080
Normal work hours are so random.
252
00:11:05,541 --> 00:11:08,126
Remember, the camera adds 10 pounds,
253
00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:10,838
so your best angle naked
is from high up.
254
00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:14,341
But, not too high!
You don't want Li'l Sid to get too li'l.
255
00:11:15,259 --> 00:11:16,885
Okay. Wow.
256
00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:19,263
I mean, you could give a TED Talk
on cross-country coitus.
257
00:11:19,263 --> 00:11:20,973
Aw, you're sweet.
258
00:11:20,973 --> 00:11:22,933
I've been in a ton of LDRs.
259
00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:24,893
I was in a pretty serious one
with the ambassador to Peru.
260
00:11:25,561 --> 00:11:28,272
And then, I had a very hot thing
with a Polish pilot.
261
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,941
It is true what they say
about the Polish.
262
00:11:30,941 --> 00:11:34,444
No idea what they say, but wow.
You have lived a life.
263
00:11:35,112 --> 00:11:36,613
Alright!
264
00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:39,449
I think my work here is done.
265
00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:44,288
- Ah!
- Get it!
266
00:11:44,288 --> 00:11:45,664
- I'm trying!
- Well, try harder!
267
00:11:45,664 --> 00:11:48,125
Well, I didn't think
it'd play hard to get!
268
00:11:50,836 --> 00:11:51,879
Good day.
269
00:11:52,462 --> 00:11:56,008
I know that you have many
interested parties, such as her,
270
00:11:56,008 --> 00:11:58,177
but I want this apartment so much,
271
00:11:58,177 --> 00:12:00,679
I'm prepared to pay a year's cash upfront
272
00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:02,890
and five percent over the asking.
273
00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,726
Let me think about that--
Okay, yes, deal.
274
00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:11,398
I thought you said
you didn't have any money.
275
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:14,610
Well, I realized that
I can pawn my gold spoon.
276
00:12:14,610 --> 00:12:16,653
This is exactly
what I was talking about.
277
00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,947
I don't want to live
with some clueless rich guy
278
00:12:18,947 --> 00:12:22,868
who was born with a literal
gold spoon in his mouth! Come on, Ralph!
279
00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:24,912
Not cool.
280
00:12:26,038 --> 00:12:27,581
I wasn't born with it in my mouth.
281
00:12:27,581 --> 00:12:30,876
It was gently placed in my hand
while I napped in my diamond crib.
282
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,923
You can't put a gold spoon
in a baby's mouth.
283
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:38,717
Choking hazard.
284
00:12:45,307 --> 00:12:47,434
It's Drew. He's asking
for your phone number.
285
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,270
- Really?
- Yeah, should I give it to him?
286
00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:54,691
- Nah, no. He's not really my type.
- Really?
287
00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:56,652
You guys were all giggling and smiling
288
00:12:56,652 --> 00:12:58,570
and talking about
how singular your face is.
289
00:12:59,029 --> 00:13:02,199
I said I'm good. Now, stop trying
to change the subject, okay?
290
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:04,201
Go talk to her.
291
00:13:05,953 --> 00:13:06,995
And say what?
292
00:13:07,496 --> 00:13:09,915
How about, uh... "Hey!
293
00:13:10,707 --> 00:13:12,960
- I think you're gonna like me."
- So, lie to her?
294
00:13:14,336 --> 00:13:15,546
Fine.
295
00:13:19,842 --> 00:13:21,760
- Hey!
- Hey.
296
00:13:23,387 --> 00:13:25,305
I think you're gonna like me.
297
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,557
Oh, am I?
298
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:29,476
Honestly, it could go either way.
299
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,144
I mean, some people think
that I'm charming,
300
00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,647
but other people
kind of find me, like, to be a lot.
301
00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:35,023
Uh...
302
00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:36,733
I could buy you a drink
if you're interested
303
00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:38,819
in figuring out
which category you fit into.
304
00:13:40,279 --> 00:13:41,822
Sure. I'll have a margarita.
305
00:13:41,822 --> 00:13:42,948
Okay.
306
00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:49,496
She will have a margarita.
307
00:13:57,171 --> 00:13:59,923
- Hey, babe.
- Hey. Whoa,
308
00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:02,634
you look amazing! Great angle.
309
00:14:02,634 --> 00:14:05,888
Really? 'Cause I didn't
even think about my setup.
310
00:14:05,888 --> 00:14:08,807
Okay, I'm turning mine...
311
00:14:08,807 --> 00:14:10,225
on.
312
00:14:10,225 --> 00:14:12,227
Okay, well, watch out 'cause soon
I'll be turning you on.
313
00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:17,107
Uh... Wait, something's wrong with mine.
314
00:14:18,108 --> 00:14:20,611
God, the WiFi in here is so bad.
315
00:14:23,322 --> 00:14:24,364
Come with me.
316
00:14:27,743 --> 00:14:29,244
Anyone home?
317
00:14:31,371 --> 00:14:32,623
Alright.
318
00:14:33,332 --> 00:14:35,417
Yeah, the signal's way better in here
319
00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:37,586
Okay.
320
00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:43,967
Let me just open the app
that controls your toy...
321
00:14:43,967 --> 00:14:46,303
Today on The Daily...
322
00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:48,096
- This thing has a speaker!
- ...the survivor
323
00:14:48,096 --> 00:14:49,681
of a rare bacterial infection...
324
00:14:49,681 --> 00:14:52,142
- Is that... The Daily?
- ...talks to us about losing
325
00:14:52,142 --> 00:14:54,478
- all his limbs...
- Yeah, I'm trying to turn it off.
326
00:14:54,478 --> 00:14:56,271
...and most of his lower face.
327
00:14:56,271 --> 00:14:57,814
I'm Michael Barbaro.
328
00:14:59,858 --> 00:15:00,859
Okay.
329
00:15:00,859 --> 00:15:02,152
Okay.
330
00:15:02,152 --> 00:15:04,404
Where were we?
331
00:15:08,534 --> 00:15:10,369
Yeah. Hannah, I can't do this.
332
00:15:11,370 --> 00:15:14,122
Alright, Li'l Sid's stuck
in a Chinese finger trap.
333
00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:16,416
Big Sid can't stop thinking about
flesh-eating bacteria. I mean,
334
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:19,336
this sucks even more than
cooking FaceTime fish!
335
00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:21,421
Which I have to pretend
to be psyched about once a week.
336
00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:24,049
I know it sucks.
337
00:15:24,049 --> 00:15:26,802
Long-distance relationships suck,
338
00:15:26,802 --> 00:15:29,221
but at least I'm trying!
339
00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:35,769
Here's what else you need to know today.
340
00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:38,814
No! There's nothing else I need
341
00:15:38,814 --> 00:15:40,190
to know today!
342
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:41,400
Michael!
343
00:15:42,317 --> 00:15:44,611
Uh, another drink?
344
00:15:44,611 --> 00:15:46,405
- I'd love that!
- Okay, great.
345
00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:54,705
Siri. Text Fort Greene Girls.
346
00:15:54,705 --> 00:15:58,500
"OMG. You will not believe
was hitting on me right now!"
347
00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:00,878
All caps. "Proposal Fail Guy.
348
00:16:00,878 --> 00:16:03,505
"I literally cannot!
I'm dying!
349
00:16:03,505 --> 00:16:06,717
I'm gonna try to get him
to sing me his sad proposal song."
350
00:16:06,717 --> 00:16:07,843
L-O-L, exclamation,
351
00:16:07,843 --> 00:16:10,679
skull face, exclamation,
L-O-L, exclamation, skull face,
352
00:16:10,679 --> 00:16:12,389
- exclamation, L-O--
- Excuse me.
353
00:16:13,098 --> 00:16:16,560
We're getting drinks from the bar, but
I'll have a water and fries. Thank you!
354
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:17,895
I'm not your waitress.
355
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,649
Okay, I get the confusion.
356
00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:25,652
But, this is about my friend Jesse, okay?
357
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:28,030
And he is not some
punchline for you to tell
358
00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:30,032
your dumb friends about at boozy brunch.
359
00:16:30,032 --> 00:16:32,784
He's an incredible guy,
and I am killing myself
360
00:16:32,784 --> 00:16:34,786
to make him believe
that he will find love.
361
00:16:35,287 --> 00:16:38,248
Do you know how hard
it is to believe that?
362
00:16:38,248 --> 00:16:42,044
Do you know what it's like
to go on 87 first dates?
363
00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:43,462
No, 88.
364
00:16:43,462 --> 00:16:45,839
88 first dates and have none of them lead
365
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:48,342
to anything even close
to a real relationship?
366
00:16:48,884 --> 00:16:51,220
Have you ever met a totally cute,
367
00:16:51,220 --> 00:16:52,930
nice vice principal
who wants to take you out,
368
00:16:52,930 --> 00:16:54,640
and all you can think about is why?
369
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:55,933
What's the point?
370
00:16:55,933 --> 00:16:58,268
If I say yes, he's inevitably
just going to turn into
371
00:16:58,268 --> 00:16:59,770
failed date number 89!
372
00:17:00,646 --> 00:17:03,524
Yes. Actually, I know
exactly what you mean.
373
00:17:03,524 --> 00:17:05,609
Dating in this city is killing me
and seriously--
374
00:17:05,609 --> 00:17:08,695
No! No, no, you do not get
to be relatable right now.
375
00:17:09,655 --> 00:17:12,241
Okay, look.
Yes, I was texting my friends
376
00:17:12,241 --> 00:17:14,535
about meeting Proposal Fail Guy,
377
00:17:14,535 --> 00:17:16,453
but I still wanted to sleep with him.
378
00:17:16,453 --> 00:17:18,914
Uh, is the "sleeping with me" thing
379
00:17:18,914 --> 00:17:20,624
still on the table or...
380
00:17:20,624 --> 00:17:23,418
No. Your mean waitress friend ruined it!
381
00:17:24,211 --> 00:17:25,462
Waitress?
382
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,344
I think you're gonna like me.
383
00:17:40,435 --> 00:17:42,938
Hey. Thanks for
letting me borrow all this.
384
00:17:42,938 --> 00:17:45,691
- How'd it go?
- Very, very poorly.
385
00:17:45,691 --> 00:17:48,485
I can tell. If you'd used
the Vyper Ace correctly,
386
00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:50,487
you wouldn't be walking right now.
387
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:52,906
Talk to me.
388
00:17:52,906 --> 00:17:54,157
Um...
389
00:17:54,157 --> 00:17:56,076
When Hannah took the residency in LA,
390
00:17:56,076 --> 00:17:58,829
we promised each other we wouldn't be
like other long-distance couples.
391
00:17:58,829 --> 00:18:01,456
Like, we'd make time for
our relationship, but...
392
00:18:02,583 --> 00:18:05,085
between her surgery rotations and me
trying to keep this bar afloat,
393
00:18:05,085 --> 00:18:06,545
it's just harder than
I thought it would be.
394
00:18:07,504 --> 00:18:08,547
To feel close to her.
395
00:18:09,131 --> 00:18:11,425
And I hate it. I just miss her.
396
00:18:12,718 --> 00:18:14,803
I just want to cook dinner in
the same room as Hannah.
397
00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:17,431
Or, like, read the newspaper
with her on a Sunday.
398
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:20,893
Have sex with her human vagina.
399
00:18:20,893 --> 00:18:22,895
That is so romantic.
400
00:18:24,104 --> 00:18:25,898
- I have an idea.
- Yeah?
401
00:18:26,523 --> 00:18:28,025
God, you are lucky you met me!
402
00:18:32,404 --> 00:18:35,282
- I'm sorry about tonight.
- That's okay.
403
00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:38,493
Camilla didn't look like
she was very good at sex anyway.
404
00:18:39,828 --> 00:18:41,830
- Yeah, she did.
- Yeah, she did.
405
00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:47,753
All that stuff you said to her,
that was, uh...
406
00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:49,713
kind of intense, huh?
407
00:18:50,631 --> 00:18:53,175
You remember that night
when we met at the bar,
408
00:18:53,175 --> 00:18:56,512
and you guessed that my parents
had a really happy marriage?
409
00:18:56,512 --> 00:18:59,515
I'm so sorry about that.
Valentina told me I was way off.
410
00:19:00,557 --> 00:19:01,558
Yeah.
411
00:19:02,476 --> 00:19:03,477
You were.
412
00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:05,312
Hm.
413
00:19:08,065 --> 00:19:10,567
My childhood was kind of a mess.
414
00:19:11,443 --> 00:19:15,239
It was just my mom and I bouncing around
from one boyfriend's house to the next.
415
00:19:16,532 --> 00:19:19,826
We were more like, you know,
sisters than mother-daughter.
416
00:19:20,869 --> 00:19:23,247
- And I was the big sister.
- Oof.
417
00:19:23,247 --> 00:19:24,498
Always...
418
00:19:25,123 --> 00:19:27,417
picking up the pieces after every breakup.
419
00:19:29,294 --> 00:19:31,380
And I got really good at fixing her.
420
00:19:33,465 --> 00:19:36,844
So, fixer became my go-to mode.
421
00:19:38,512 --> 00:19:41,014
Especially when I can't figure out
how to fix things for myself.
422
00:19:43,141 --> 00:19:46,436
Uh, fix things for yourself, you mean...
423
00:19:46,937 --> 00:19:49,940
You know, like, find my person.
424
00:19:51,692 --> 00:19:53,735
I want to so bad,
425
00:19:53,735 --> 00:19:57,030
and it just... keeps not happening.
426
00:19:58,657 --> 00:20:00,033
Okay. Sophie...
427
00:20:00,701 --> 00:20:04,246
Repeat after me.
"Today is the first chapter
428
00:20:04,246 --> 00:20:07,416
of my next great love story." Come on.
429
00:20:09,877 --> 00:20:12,838
Today is the first chapter of my...
430
00:20:12,838 --> 00:20:15,841
- next great love story.
- Next... Love story. Hell yeah.
431
00:20:18,760 --> 00:20:20,762
Alright, this is me.
432
00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:22,973
- Good night, Sophie.
- Good night, Jesse.
433
00:20:30,814 --> 00:20:33,400
Open your mouth for a treat.
434
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,902
Not tonight, Frank.
435
00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:42,326
Hi.
436
00:20:44,578 --> 00:20:46,079
Hi.
437
00:20:46,788 --> 00:20:48,916
How how's your amazing new apartment?
438
00:20:50,334 --> 00:20:52,002
Didn't exactly work out.
439
00:20:52,461 --> 00:20:54,922
Smile and say, "new apartment"!
440
00:20:56,715 --> 00:20:58,717
Alright, that was fun.
441
00:20:58,717 --> 00:21:00,385
How about that year of rent
you promised?
442
00:21:00,886 --> 00:21:02,137
On it.
443
00:21:04,264 --> 00:21:05,807
Ah!
444
00:21:05,807 --> 00:21:06,934
Ugh.
445
00:21:06,934 --> 00:21:09,895
Well, if makes you feel any better,
my day wasn't great, either.
446
00:21:10,395 --> 00:21:12,814
Hi. I'd like to open a line of credit.
447
00:21:12,814 --> 00:21:16,360
My name's Ellen,
and my social security number is...
448
00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:19,613
He bought a camcorder, a bra,
and three jars of honey
449
00:21:19,613 --> 00:21:21,323
before I could cancel the credit card.
450
00:21:21,782 --> 00:21:23,534
He was definitely a pervert.
451
00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:27,496
Look, Ellen, I'm really sorry
I tried to steal the apartment.
452
00:21:28,330 --> 00:21:31,250
I'm sorry for lying to you
about wanting a roommate.
453
00:21:31,250 --> 00:21:34,294
Maybe I don't need a grizzled
New Yorker to show me the ropes.
454
00:21:34,294 --> 00:21:36,713
Maybe I just need a good person
455
00:21:36,713 --> 00:21:38,465
who won't steal my identity,
456
00:21:38,465 --> 00:21:41,260
and we can figure out
how to crush the city together.
457
00:21:42,386 --> 00:21:44,638
I mean, if you'd still have me?
458
00:21:44,638 --> 00:21:47,891
Absolutely. Together,
we will take this city by storm.
459
00:21:47,891 --> 00:21:50,352
We are not afraid of you, New York.
460
00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:52,271
We're the bravest people in the city!
461
00:22:01,238 --> 00:22:02,948
- Hey.
- Hi!
462
00:22:03,615 --> 00:22:05,325
What are you doing here?
463
00:22:05,325 --> 00:22:07,828
This is me, uh, trying.
464
00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:16,712
That is so sweet.
465
00:22:16,712 --> 00:22:19,756
But, that last-minute flight
must have cost you a fortune.
466
00:22:19,756 --> 00:22:23,093
Not really. I mean, it's a long story,
but I got hooked up.
467
00:22:23,093 --> 00:22:25,304
I have this friend who was
in a long-distance relationship
468
00:22:25,304 --> 00:22:27,306
- with a Polish pilot. Yeah.
- Huh...
469
00:22:28,265 --> 00:22:30,934
Like I said, back in 2022,
470
00:22:30,934 --> 00:22:34,354
having a great profile photo
was essential,
471
00:22:34,354 --> 00:22:37,399
but it wasn't everything.
You also had to be willing
472
00:22:37,399 --> 00:22:39,026
to put yourself out there,
473
00:22:39,026 --> 00:22:41,320
time and time again,
474
00:22:41,320 --> 00:22:44,615
even when you just wanted
to curl up under a blanket
475
00:22:44,615 --> 00:22:46,575
with a box of Froot Loops,
476
00:22:46,575 --> 00:22:48,452
a box of wine,
477
00:22:48,452 --> 00:22:51,288
and some unboxing videos.
478
00:22:51,288 --> 00:22:53,290
What the hell is an unboxing video?
479
00:22:55,209 --> 00:22:56,752
For a brief time, when I was younger,
480
00:22:56,752 --> 00:22:58,795
everyone was very into watching
481
00:22:58,795 --> 00:23:01,006
other people open stuff on camera.
482
00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,051
- Sounds dark.
- Mm, it was.
483
00:23:05,928 --> 00:23:07,471
But, anyway...
484
00:23:48,303 --> 00:23:49,304
Hello?
485
00:23:49,304 --> 00:23:52,474
Hi, Drew. It's Sophie,
486
00:23:52,474 --> 00:23:54,101
Jesse's photographer friend.
487
00:23:54,101 --> 00:23:55,853
Oh. Hi.
488
00:23:56,937 --> 00:24:00,315
Jesse said that you
asked for my number, so...
489
00:24:00,315 --> 00:24:02,568
well, I thought I'd beat you to the punch.
490
00:24:02,568 --> 00:24:05,279
- Oh, amazing.
- You know, I was going crazy
491
00:24:05,279 --> 00:24:06,864
trying to figure out
where I know you from,
492
00:24:06,864 --> 00:24:08,740
and then I realized that we met
493
00:24:08,740 --> 00:24:10,701
at Sid and Hannah's engagement party.
494
00:24:10,701 --> 00:24:12,202
We did?
495
00:24:14,580 --> 00:24:16,164
Excuse me!
You wouldn't happen to have
496
00:24:16,164 --> 00:24:17,916
a cell phone charger handy, would you?
497
00:24:17,916 --> 00:24:21,044
Oh, uh, yeah.
Never leave home without it.
498
00:24:21,587 --> 00:24:22,838
Thanks!
499
00:24:22,838 --> 00:24:25,007
Yeah. Yeah, Hannah's a college friend.
500
00:24:27,009 --> 00:24:29,219
So, uh, what are you doing Friday night?
501
00:24:29,928 --> 00:24:31,513
Having dinner with you.
502
00:24:36,936 --> 00:24:38,686
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- YoungJedi -
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