All language subtitles for Thank.You.For.Smoking.2005.WEBRip.x264-ION10

( drumroll )

( rousing orchestral
fanfare playing )

( fanfare ends )

( jazz intro )

* Now I'm a feller
with a heart of gold *

* With the ways of a gentleman,
I've been told *

* The kind of a feller
that wouldn't even harm a flea *

* But if me and a certain
character met *

* The guy that invented
the cigarette *

* I'd murder that son of a gun
in the first degree *

* Now it ain't 'cause
that I don't smoke myself *

* I don't reckon
they hinder your health *

* I've smoked them all my life
and I ain't dead yet *

* But nicotine slaves
are all the same *

* At a pettin' party
or a poker game *

* Everything's gotta stop
while they have that cigarette *

* Smoke, smoke, smoke
that cigarette *

* Puff, puff, puff it if you
smoke yourself to death *

* Tell St. Peter
at the Golden Gate *

* That you hates
to make him wait *

* But you just gotta have
another cigarette *

( jazzy instrumental break )

( country fiddle playing )

* The other night I had a date *

* With the cutest little girl
in the 48 states *

* A high-bred uptown
fancy little dame *

* Now, she said she loved me
and it seemed to me *

* That things were just about
like they ought to be *

* So hand-in-hand we
strolled down Lovers' Lane *

* She was oh-so-far
from a chunk of ice *

* And our smoochin' party
was a-goin' real nice *

* So help me, Hannah, I think
I'd a been there yet *

* But I give her a kiss
and a little squeeze *

* And she said, "Tex,
excuse me, please *

* But I just gotta
have another cigarette" *

* Smoke, smoke, smoke
that cigarette *

* Puff, puff, puff it if you
smoke yourself to death *

* Tell St. Peter
at the Golden Gate *

* That you hates
to make him wait *

* But you just gotta have
another cigarette. *

Robin Williger.

He is a 15-year-old freshman
from Racine, Wisconsin.

He enjoys studying history.

He's on the debate team.

Robin's future looked
very, very bright,

but recently he was
diagnosed with cancer,

a very tough kind of cancer.

Robin tells me he has
quit smoking, though,

and he no longer thinks
that cigarettes are cool.

( applause )

Whoo!

And our final guest today
is Nick Naylor.

Mr. Naylor is the vice president
of the Academy
of Tobacco Studies.

Now, they are the tobacco
industry's main lobby

in Washington, D.C.

and Mr. Naylor is
their chief spokesman.

( audience murmuring )

( booing, hissing )

NICK:
Few people on this planet know

what it is to be truly
despised.

Can you blame them?

I earn a living
fronting an organization

that kills
1,200 human beings a day.

1,200 people.

We're talking
two jumbo jet plane loads

of men, women and children.

I mean, there's Attila,

Genghis,

and me,

Nick Naylor,

the face of cigarettes...

the Colonel Sanders
of nicotine.

This is where I work,

the Academy of Tobacco Studies.

It was established
by seven gentlemen

you may recognize from C-SPAN.

These guys realized quick
if they were going to claim

that cigarettes
were not addictive,

they better have proof.

This is the man they rely on,

Erhardt Von Grupten Mundt.

They found him in Germany.

I won't go into the details.

He's been testing the link

between nicotine
and lung cancer

for 30 years and hasn't found
any conclusive results.

The man's a genius.

He could disprove gravity.

Then we've got our sharks.

We draft them out
of Ivy League law schools

and give them time-shares
and sports cars.

It's just like
a John Grisham novel--

you know,
without all the espionage.

Most importantly,
we've got spin control.

That's where I come in.

I get paid to talk.

I don't have
an MD or law degree.

( shutter clicking )

( machine gun firing )

I have a bachelor's in
kicking ass and taking names.

You know that guy
who can pick up any girl?

I'm him

on crack.

( cheers, applause )

This is obviously a heated issue

and we do have a lot
that we want to cover today.

Nick, do you have a question?

Joan,

how on earth would
Big Tobacco profit

off of the loss
of this young man?

Now, I hate to think
in such callous terms,

but, if anything,
we'd be losing a customer.

It's not only our hope,
it's in our best interest

to keep Robin alive and smoking.

That's ludicrous.
Let me tell
you something,

Joan, and please,
let me share something

with the fine, concerned
people in the audience today.

The Ron Goodes of this world...

want the Robin Willigers to die.

What?
NAYLOR:
You know why?

So that their budgets
will go up.

This is nothing less than
trafficking in human misery,

and you, sir, ought
to be ashamed of yourself.

I ought to be ashamed of myself?

As a matter of fact,
we're about to launch...

a $50 million campaign

aimed at persuading kids
not to smoke.

Because I think
that we can all agree

that there is nothing
more important

than America's
children.

LUNDEN:
All right, now,
that's something that

we're going to want
to know more about.

but I have to take
a short break.

Hang on, a lot more coming.

( applause )

$50 million?! Are you
out of your fucking mind?!

Everyone has a boss.

BR just happens

to be mine.

He came from the vending
machine world.

This made him tough.

The name BR came
from his tour in Vietnam.

The people who know
its meaning are all dead.

The deal was five million!

$5 million will get you
a couple of subway posters.

It's not going
to impress anyone.

That's the idea, Nick.

You'll be thanking me soon.

This'll probably
get you great press.

I gotta call the captain
and see if this is gonna fly.

Get your ass back to D.C.

( applause nearby )

( door opening )

Thank you so much for coming.

Mr. Naylor?

It's your turn.

Ah.

Joey is such
a bright young man.

We all look forward

to his coming out
of his shell a little.

He's a bit shy.

Yeah, he gets that
from his mother.

( whisper ):
Hey, Joey.

Please don't ruin my childhood.

Come on, Joey. Trust me.

How many of you want to be
lawyers when you grow up?

Right.

How about...

movie stars?

( laughing )

How about lobbyists?

What's that?

It's kind of like
being a movie star.

It's what I do.
I talk for a living.

What do you talk about?

I speak on behalf of cigarettes.

My mom used to smoke.

She says that cigarettes kill.

Really? Now,
is your mommy a doctor?

No.

A scientific researcher
of some kind?

No.

Well, she doesn't exactly sound

like a credible expert,
now, does she?

Don't feel bad.

It's okay to listen to your mom.

I mean, it's good to listen
to your parents... Joey.

All I'm suggesting

is that there will always
be people trying to tell you

what to do and what to think.

There probably already are
people doing that.

Am I right?

KIDS:
Yes.

I'm here to say

that when someone tries to act
like some sort of an expert,

you can respond, "Who says?"

So, cigarettes are good for you?

No!
No, that's not...

That's not what
I'm getting at.

My point is that you have
to think for yourself.

You have to challenge authority.

If your parents told you
that chocolate was dangerous,

would you just
take their word for it?

KIDS:
No.

Exactly.

So perhaps instead of acting
like sheep

when it comes to cigarettes,

you should find out
for yourself.

Okay, then.

Thank you, Mr. Naylor,
for joining us.

( light applause )

NICK:
Every week we meet
here at Bert's.

Together, we represent
the chief spokespeople

for the tobacco, alcohol and
firearms industries.

We call ourselves
the MOD Squad.

All right.

M-O-D, Merchants of Death.

So, my day's ruined.

Why?

Dateline's
doing a segment

on fetal alcohol syndrome.
Thank you.

Polly works
for the Moderation Council.

A casual drinker
by the age of 14,

Polly quickly developed

a tolerance usually reserved
for Irish dockworkers.

In our world, she's the woman

that got the pope
to endorse red wine.

We're gonna get creamed.

Any ideas?

I don't know.

Deformed kids are tough.

I'm lucky my product only makes
them bald before it kills them.

You could hug the kids.

They're not going
to let me hug the kids.

Who's doing the segment,
Donaldson or Sawyer?

Sawyer, probably.

You're fucked.

Why?

Cause she's
gonna hug them.

Look, if you see her going in
for a hug,

maybe just box her out,
get in there before she does.

NICK:
Bobby Jay works for SAFETY,

( ricochet )
the Society for
the Advancement of Firearms

and Effective Training
for Youth.

You want me to smile?

After watching the footage
of the Kent State shootings,

Bobby Jay, then 17, signed up
for the National Guard

so he, too, could shoot
college students.

But the National Guard
recruiter was out to lunch,

so Bobby Jay ended up
shooting Panamanians instead,

which was almost as good
as college students.

( gunshot )

Only they shoot back.

You know, you can beat
a Breathalyzer

by sucking on activated
charcoal tablets?
Really?

Maybe we should change
our campaign to

"If You Must Drink and Drive,
Suck Charcoal."

Yeah, but don't
the police wonder

why you're sucking on charcoal?

There's no law against charcoal.

Yet.
Yet.

Dad, why is the American
government the best government?

Because of our
endless appeals system.

Joe, you're not writing down
what I just said are you?

Mm-hmm.

Joey, stop
for a second.

What is the subject
of your essay?

Why is American government the
best government in the world.

Your teacher crafted
that question?

Yeah. Why?

Well... I'll look past
the obvious problems

in syntax for a moment,

and I'll focus more on the core
of the question.

I mean, "A,"

does America have
the best government
in the world?

And "B," what constitutes
a "best government"?

Is it crime, is it poverty,
literacy?

Hmm?

And America-- definitely
not best.

Perhaps not even
better than most.

We do have a very
entertaining government...

Dad.

I'm sorry.

Are you familiar with
the term "B.S."?

Bullshit.

Yes, exactly.

B.S., if I may, is what
questions like the one

your teacher posed are made for.

Because even if America
had the best government,

there'd be no way to prove it.

And how many pages
are you writing?

Two pages.

Two pages...

Definitely not in two pages.

So what am I supposed to write?

You can write
whatever you want.

Okay.

Write about...

write about America's
amazing ability

to make profit by breaking down
trading tariffs

and bringing American jobs
to Third World countries.

Or how good we are
at executing felons.

They're all correct answers.

I can do that?

See, Joey, that's the beauty
of argument.

'Cause if you argue correctly,
you're never wrong.

Dad, if I finish
this essay within an hour,

can we stay up
all night?

That's a negotiation,
not an argument.

( over TV ):
Well, Conway,
see you made it.

Yeah, I guess that little
voice was wrong.

I feel better.

I feel a lot better, too.

As a matter of fact, I never
felt so good in my life.

How about a cigarette?

( gunshot )

( dramatic music playing )

( gunfire )

MAN 1:
Is he...?

MAN 2:
Yeah.

Hey.

Nick, you still own
a watch, don't you?

Jill, I can't help feeling

Joey's getting the wrong idea
about his dad.

It would be great
if I could spend

a little more time with him,
you know?

To give him a fair
and balanced perspective.

Nick, you had plenty
of time for that.

Now you're his
weekend guardian.

Besides,
he has Brad.

He still needs his father.

Nick.

You have a second?

Sure, Brad.

Nick, your job
and everything aside,

I hope you understand
that secondhand smoke's

a real killer.

What are you
talking about?

I just hope you're providing

a smoke-free environment
for Joey, that's all I'm saying.

Brad, I'm his father.

You're the guy
fucking his mom.

That was unnecessary.

Thank you all.
Thank you all for coming.

Tobacco is winning the war.

The war against our children.

They like to use cartoons
and symbols to hook our kids.

Well, now we have
a symbol of our own.

Doctor.

It is my hope that
within the year

every cigarette package

sold in America
will carry this symbol.

Perhaps then, cigarettes
will finally be labeled

appropriately as poison.

I will be holding
a congressional hearing

to discuss the inclusion
of the skull and crossbones

in the next two weeks.

As usual, I extend
an open invitation

to big tobacco.

Perhaps this time they will
grace us with their presence.

And their answers.

Thank you very much.

( reporters clamoring )

People, what is going on
out there?

I look down this table,
all I see are white flags.

Our numbers are down
all across the board.

Teen smoking--
our bread and butter,

is falling like a shit
from heaven.

We don't sell Tic Tacs,
for Christ's sake.

We sell cigarettes.

And they're cool and available
and addictive.

The job is almost done for us.

This environmentalist
is challenging us.

We have to have
an answer.

I'm asking you,

when this cocksucker puts
Captain Hook on our products,

what the fuck
are we going to do?

BR.
Yeah, Nick.

If I may.

In 1910,

the U.S. was producing
ten billion cigarettes a year.

By 1930,

we were up to 123 billion.

What happened
in between?

Three things.

A world war,

dieting... and movies.

Movies?

1927-- talking pictures
are born.

Suddenly, directors need to give
their actors

something to do
while they're talking.

Cary Grant, Carole Lombard
are lighting up.

Bette Davis-- a chimney.

And Bogart--
remember the first picture

with him and Lauren Bacall?

Well, yea... not specifically.

Oh, she sort

of shimmies in
through the doorway,

19 years old.

Pure sex.

She says,

"Anyone got a match?"

And Bogie throws
the matches at her...

and she catches them.

Greatest romance
of the century.

How'd it start?
Lighting a cigarette.

These days when someone
smokes in the movies,

they're either a psychopath
or a European.

The message Hollywood
needs to send out

is smoking is cool.

We need the cast
of Will and Grace

smoking in their living room.

Forrest Gump puffing away
between his box of chocolates.

Hugh Grant earning back
the love of Julia Roberts

by buying her favorite brand--
her Virginia Slims.

Most of the actors
smoke already.

If they start doing it
on-screen,

we can put the sex
back into cigarettes.

Well, it's a thought.

I was hoping for something
a little more inspiring,

but at least you're thinking.

Rest of you people,
slam your fucking brains

against your desks

until something useful
comes out.

That was awesome.

Thank you.

Nick, you've been summoned.

Captain wants to see you.

He saw the Joan show.

What'd he think?

Get your ass on the next flight
to Winston-Salem.

Most people have this image
in their heads

of tobacco executives
jet-setting around the world

on private planes,
eating foie gras

as they count their money.

Not me.

I like to ride with the people.

Know your clients.

My people cram themselves
into a tiny seat,

pop a Xanax and dream
of the moment

they can stuff their face
with fresh tobacco.

If I can convince just one of
these kids to pick up smoking,

I've paid for my flight--
round-trip.

The Captain is the last great
man of tobacco.

He introduced filters

when cigarettes first got
slammed by Reader's Digest.

Later, he founded the Academy
of Tobacco Studies.

The club was founded
by the tobacco barons in 1890

so they'd have a place
to get away from their wives.

Here, the Captain
is a legend--

a self-made man who started
from nothing,

and ended up with everything...

except, evidently, a son.

Nick, my boy.

You're just in time for mud.

Thank you.

Sit down there. Yeah.

Yeah.

You know the secret
to a really good julep?

No, sir.

Well, you crush the mint

down onto the ice
with your thumb

and you grind it in, see?

And it releases the menthol.

Hmm.

Now you know
who taught me that?

No, sir. Who?

Fidel Castro.

Do you remember 1952?

Well, sir,
I wasn't alive in 1952.

Good Lord, I was in Korea
shooting Chinese in 1952.

Really?

Today they're our best customer.

Next time we won't have to shoot
so many of them, will we?

( chuckles )
No, sir.

1952 was the year
Reader's Digest

nailed us with
the whole health aspect.

As Churchill said,

that was perhaps the end
of our beginning.

Tell me,

do you enjoy your current work,
Nick?

Yes, sir.

It's challenging...

If you can do tobacco,
you can do anything.

Yes, sir, I like that.

You know, Nick,
you remind me

just a little bit
of myself when I was your age.

Well, thank you, sir.

Like that Joan Lunden show
you did.

You could have given up,
cried, apologized,

but you didn't.

You stayed loyal.

And you gave it
to that son of a bitch good.

( chuckles )
My pleasure.

Now, BR's come under the idea

that we should start bribing
producers in Hollywood

to make the actors
smoke on screen.

You know, like
in the old days.

Say, that's, uh...

that's a great idea.

Mm-hmm.

Smart man, that BR.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And loyal.

Yes, sir?

Have a seat, Ron.

You, see, Ron, I can't be
everywhere I'm needed.

That's why I send
people like you

to speak on my behalf.

When you're there,
you're not Ron Goode,

the guy
your friends probably like,

you're Senator
Finistirre's aide,

and your name
really doesn't matter.

So, when

Ron Goode acts
like a complete asshole

on the Joan Lunden Show,

I am being an asshole
on the Joan Lunden Show.

Senator, sir,
he sprang on me like...

Where in the hell
did you find cancer boy?

He was supposed
to be quite reliable.

The Pulmonary Council
was one of his references.

Fucking nonprofits.

When you're looking
for a cancer kid,

he should be hopeless.

He should have
a wheelchair.

He should have trouble talking.

He should have
a little pet goldfish

he carries around
in a ziplock bag--

hopeless.

I apologize, sir,
but if it wasn't

for Nick Naylor...
Nick Naylor?

Don't you even think
of using him as an excuse.

The man shills bullshit
for a living.

You work for a fucking senator.

A senator who is supposed
to be tough on tobacco.

Have a little... pride,
for God's sake.

It won't happen again, sir,
I promise.

All right, you're excused.

Sometimes I feel like

a Colombian drug dealer.

( chuckles )

The other day,
my own granddaughter,
flesh of flesh of my own loins,

asked me, "Granddaddy,
is it true

cigarettes are bad for you?"

We got to do something, Nick.

I think you're our man.

Thank you, sir.

I want you to work
on this Hollywood project.

Get out there the next
few weeks, stir things up

and report directly to me.

Sir, about the,

the $50 million.

Anti teen-smoking advertising.

Well, shit, I sure hope
it's not too persuasive.

( laughs )

I hope.

( laughs )

Nick,

you're family now.

Tobacco takes care
of its own, eh?

Thank you, sir.

Mr. Naylor?

Hi.

Hi. Welcome to Tobacco One.

Thank you.

The captain told me to take
extra special care of you today.

So if there is anything
at all I can do

to make your flight
more pleasant,

you be sure and let me know now.

BR.

Pleasant flight?

Oh! You could say that.

Came up on the Captain's plane.

Oh, it's quite
the way to travel.

I wouldn't know.

No? You never been
on Tobacco One

with those seats,
that kitchen,

that stewardess, Tiffany?

Haven't had the chance yet.

Oh, well, you really
must try it.

It's the only way to travel.

What'd he think
of your $50 million
anti-smoking campaign?

Oh, the $50 million
anti teen-smoking campaign?

Yeah.

Yeah, he gave that the go-ahead.

Oh, and he loved your idea

to put cigarettes back
into movies.

That was your idea.
Oh, yeah?

He must have
gotten confused.
Hmm.

Yeah. Well, either way,
he was pretty blown away.

Right. Well, get a flight
to L.A.

I'll get you a meeting
with Jeff Megall.

Who?

Hollywood super agent.

Runs the agency EGO:
Entertainment Global Offices.

This guy is the entertainment
business.

And you are cigarettes, BR.

Whatever.

Yeah, but it's not a vacation,
it's a learning experience.

And California is one
of the fastest-growing

states, it's got

the largest number of electoral
votes in the country.

I mean, this could be
a very good trip for Joey.

You know what?
Don't smooth-talk me.

You're not going to take him
sightseeing.

You're probably going

to take him
to some lung cancer symposium

where a guy with an electronic
voice box will tell him

that his father is the devil.

That's unfair.

Unfair? What about Virginia?

And what about Virginia?

You took him
to a cigarette factory.

No, I took him
to a tobacco farm.

That's hardly the same thing.

This conversation's over.

( sighs ):
Oh, fuck.

Last week we had another
disgruntled postman.

Of course,

an hour later
the Washington Post

is calling me on the
phone-- godless swine.

I said to 'em, I says,

"Now if a plane crashes
on account of pilot error,

do you blame
the Boeing Corporation?"

Nice.

That's a good one.
Thank you.

If some booze-besotten drunk
runs someone down,

do you go banging on the doors
at General Motors?

Tell me you didn't say that.

Mm-hmm.

Have either of you heard of a
reporter named Heather Holloway?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Irish type.

Brown hair, big blue eyes.

Nice skin.

Amazing tits.

Tits? Why are tits relevant?

Hmm, let's see.

World-class tits on a reporter
interviewing a man

with privileged information
are relevant.

How about it, Nick?
Are you a tit man?

Don't answer that.
That's a trap.

Depends whose tits.

Look, just don't get
screwed, all right?

Bobby, I think I can handle
a good-looking girl reporter.

Thank you.

Heather Holloway.

Nick Naylor, big tobacco.

Is this kosher?

Only if I can call you
"Heather."

By all means.

So, Mr. Naylor...

Nick.
Nick.

Let's start with...

An '82 Margaux.

Okay. Is it good?

Good? It'll make you
believe in God.

So what is the focus
of your piece?

You.
Really?

You want to know how I live
with myself.

No. I don't imagine
that's much of a problem.

I want to know
how you see yourself.

I'm...

a mediator between two sects
of society

that are trying
to reach an accommodation.

Interesting.

My other interviews have pinned
you as a mass murderer,

bloodsucker, pimp,
profiteer, child killer,

and my personal favorite
"yuppie Mephistopheles."

Wow, that sounds
like a balanced article.

Who else should I talk to?

55 million American smokers,
for starters

or perhaps
the American tobacco farmer

who is constantly being treated
like a drug smuggler.

I actually do plan on speaking
to a tobacco farmer.

Good.

They're fine people,
salt of the earth.

Nick, why do you do this?

What motivates you?

You really want to know?

Mm-hmm.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

( whispers ):
Population control.

( chuckles )

You're bad.

Everyone's got
a mortgage to pay.

NICK:
The yuppie Nuremberg defense.

So is a mortgage that much
of a life goal?

Well, 99% of everything done
in the world, good or bad,

is done to pay a mortgage,
so perhaps the world

would be a better place
if everyone rented.

Then why don't you rent?

Mm. Well, I rent as well.

Really?
Yeah.

My son and his mother
and her boyfriend

live in my house.

I live in my apartment.

What does Nick Naylor's
apartment look like?

I don't know.
It's nothing impressive.

It wouldn't make
the real estate section.

( chuckles )

Can I see it?

You want to see my apartment?

I'd like to see
where the devil sleeps.

NICK:
I know what
you're probably thinking.

This is a bad idea, right?

I mean, come on.

It's not that bad of an idea.

( sizzling )

( pots clattering )

Mom, why can't I go

to California?

Because California's
just not a... safe place.

And besides,
I'm not sure it's appropriate

for your father to bring you
on a business trip.

Appropriate for who?

What?

Mom, is it possible that
you're taking the frustration

of your failed marriage
out on me?

Excuse me?

This California trip seems like
a great learning opportunity

and a chance for me
to get to know my father.

But if you think
it's more important

to use me to channel
your frustration

against the man
you no longer love,

I'll understand.

How'd you convince her?

It was an argument,
not a negotiation.

That's my boy.

( soft music playing )

Nick?

Nick, Jack,
Jeff's assistant. Hey.

How was your flight?
Are you jet-lagged at all?

It's, like, 2:00 in D.C.
right now.

You know what?
Take some vitamin B.

Jeff swears by it--
in fact,

I'm gonna hook you up
with an injection.

Who's this with you?
How are you, dude?
What's going on?

You guys ever been
to L.A. before?

You want to head back
to Jeff's office?

In fact, we probably should--
He's a punctual being.

We actually had some
problems at first with
the exterior mirrored glass.

The reflection of the sun
was causing head-on
collisions on Wilshire.

Oh, is everybody
all right?

Yeah, they got three-picture
deals at Paramount--
I'm sure they'll live.

It's a nice building.
Yeah?

Hey, tell Jeff
you think so, okay?

'Cause he just put a lot
of himself into this building.

And you know something?
It really shows.

What's up, Hiroshi?

Keep going-- that sand's
not gonna rake itself.

All right, come here,
this is my favorite part.

That one right there?
It's $7,000.

$7,000 for a fish?
( laughs ):
Yep.

Kind of makes you want
to stop eating sushi,

but I guess you kind of have to.

Hey, you see that
big white one right there?

Swear to you-- $12,000,
gift from Oprah.

It's a Chamberlain--
office-warming gift
from Matthew McConaughey.

Generous
gift.

( laughs ):
Yeah. Right!

Don't get me wrong,
Matthew is a tremendously
talented individual

and an extremely
decent human being,

however, before Jeff
took him on, he was a face.

Now he's a name.

( elevator bell dings )

Do you hear that?

No.

Exactly.

( bell dings )

Hey, Neal.

Neal, I'm gonna impale
your mom on a spike,

and I'm gonna feed her dead body
to my dog with syphilis.

( laughs ):
Aw, Jack, you got me!

NEAL:
That guy!

It's an inside joke.

( sighs ):
So, as you can see,

Jeff just really
loves Asian shit.

Uh, Candace,
is he ready?

Mm-hmm.
Fantastic.

( quietly ):
Okay, Joey, I'm gonna
bring your dad in now.

Is there anything I can get
you while you're waiting,

like an orange juice
or a coffee or a Red Bull?

No, thanks.
Okay.

Wow, it's a
great office.

Yeah. Jeff basically designed
the whole thing.

The architect just made
the drawings.

Jack, stop it.

Next you're gonna be telling him

what position I played
for the Bruins.

( quietly ):
Quarterback.

Jeff Megall.

Nick Naylor.

Mr. Naylor's here to see
if we can't get cigarettes

into the hands of somebody
other than the usual RAVs.
Sure.

RAVs?
Russians, Arabs
and Villains.

Oh, well, then yes, I guess
that is why I'm here.

Good. I think we can help.

Jeff invented
product placement.

NICK:
I feel I have
to ask, uh...

Are you concerned at
all about the, um...

about the health element?

I'm not a doctor,
I'm a facilitator.

I bring creative people
together.

Whatever information there is,
exists, it's out there.

People will decide
for themselves.

They should. It's not
my role to decide for them.

It'd be morally
presumptuous.

NICK:
I could learn a lot
from this man.

Now, what we need is
a smoking role model,

a real winner.

Indiana Jones meets
Jerry Maguire.

Right, on two packs a day.

Only he can't live
in contemporary society.

Why not?

The health issue's
way too prevalent.

People would constantly
be asking the character

why he's smoking--
and that should go unsaid.

How do you feel
about the future?

The future?

Yeah, after the health thing's
blown over.

A world
where smokers and nonsmokers

live together
in perfect harmony.

Sony has a futuristic
sci-fi movie they're
looking to make.

Message From Sector Six.

All takes place
in a space station.

They're actively looking
for some cofinancing.

So cigarettes in space?

It's the final frontier, Nick.

But wouldn't they blow up
in an all-oxygen environment?

Probably.

But it's an easy fix--
one line of dialogue:

"Thank God we invented the..."
you know,

whatever device.

Brad Pitt.

Catherine Zeta-Jones.

They've just finished ravishing

each other's bodies
for the first time.

They lie naked,
suspended in air

underneath the heavens.

Pitt lights up.

He starts blowing smoke rings
all around

Catherine's naked,
flawless body,

as the galaxies go whizzing by
over the glass-domed ceiling.

Now, tell me that
doesn't work for you.

I'd see that movie.

I'd buy the goddamn DVD.

You know, if the academy
didn't send them to me for free.

You know,

you guys ought to think
about designing a cigarette

to be released simultaneously
with the movie.

Sector Sixes.

No one's ever done it
with a cigarette.

Wow.

Well, where do we go from here?

You enjoy the rest of your day
in L.A. with your son

while I find out
the answers to these questions.

Hey, where can I get
a bite to eat with my son?

You ought to try
Nobu's new place.

He only serves
food that's white.
Oh, great.

JOEY:
So, you go to an office,

then you go on TV
and talk about cigarettes.

Then you fly out to L.A.

to talk to some guy who
works with movie stars.

What is that?
That's my job;
I'm a lobbyist.

I know, but did you
study to do that?

No. No, I just kind of
figured it out.

Then can't anyone
just do that?

No, it, uh, requires a...

a moral flexibility
that goes beyond most people.

Do I have flexible morals?

Well, let's say
you became a lawyer, right?

And you were asked
to defend a murderer.

Worse than that--
a child murderer.

Now,

the law states that every person
deserves a fair trial.

Would you defend them?

I don't know.
I guess every person

deserves
a fair defense.
Yeah, well,

so do multinational
corporations.

So, what happens
when you're wrong?

( chuckles ):
Well, Joey, I'm never wrong.

But you can't always
be right.

Well, if it's your job to be
right, then you're never wrong.

But what if you are wrong?

Okay, let's say that
you're defending chocolate

and I'm defending vanilla.

Now, if I were to say to you,

"Vanilla's the best flavor
ice cream," you'd say...?

"No, chocolate is."
Exactly.

But you can't win that argument.

So, I'll ask you--
So you think chocolate

is the end-all and be-all
of ice cream, do you?

It's the best ice cream;
I wouldn't order any other.

Oh. So it's all
chocolate for
you, is it?

Yes, chocolate is all I need.

Well, I need more
than chocolate.

And for that matter,
I need more than vanilla.

I believe that we need
freedom and choice

when it comes to our ice cream,
and that, Joey Naylor,

that is the definition
of liberty.

But that's not what
we're talking about.

Ah, but that's what
I'm talking about.

But... you didn't prove
that vanilla's the best.
I didn't have to.

I proved that you're wrong--
and if you're wrong, I'm right.

But you still didn't

convince me.

'Cause I'm not
after you.

I'm after them.

( phone ringing )

Hello?

Thought I'd give you
a little update.

Jeff. You still at the office?

Do you know what time it is
in Tokyo right now?

No.
4:00 p.m. tomorrow.

It's the future, Nick.

Anyway, for Pitt to smoke,

it's $10 million;
for the pair, it's 25.

25?! Usually when I buy two
of something, I get a discount.

What's the extra five for?

Synergy.

These are not stupid people;
they got it right away.

Pitt and Zeta-Jones lighting up
after some cosmic fucking

in the bubble suite's
gonna sell a lot of cigarettes.

Well, for that kind of money,

my people will expect
some very serious smoking.

Can Brad blow smoke rings?

I don't have that information.

Well, for $25 million,
we'd want smoke rings.

Oh, one other thing--
you'll be cofinancing

the picture
with the Sultan of Glutan.

The Sultan of Glutan?

The one who massacred
and enslaved his own people?

Aren't they calling him
the Hitler of the South Pacific?

No, I can't speak to that--
All my dealings with him,

he's been a very reasonable
and sensitive guy.

He's fun. You'll like him.

I better run it by my people.

No problem.

( beep )
Oh, that's London calling.

7:00 a.m. in the Old Empire.

Jeff, when do you sleep?

Sunday.

( line hangs up )

( laughs softly )

( groans )

( line ringing )

Operator.
Yeah, my light is blinking.

There's a package downstairs
for you.
Okay, send it up.

Captain, I'm sitting in front
of an open briefcase.

I don't suppose this is a raise.

Now, Nick, do you know
who Lorne Lutch is?

Yeah, of course.
He's the original Marlboro Man.

He's dying.
He was on Sally last week.

Not exactly our biggest fan.

Well, the money's for him.

Now, he has a ranch
out there in California.

I want you to bring it to him.

He's a cowboy, sir,
and cowboys don't like bribes.

It's not a bribe. No, sir.

You're going out there
on wings of angels, son.

You mean we're just going
to give him the money?

Well, I think Christ himself
would say,

"That's mighty white
of you boys."

No gag agreement?

Hopefully, he'll be so damn
overcome with gratitude

he'll... he'll have to shut up.

Hey, kiddo, I got
to go do a little
bit more work

this afternoon,
all right?

Can I come?

No. Not this time.

But I want
to see what you do.

You stay here, okay?

What the fuck
are you doing here?

Uh... uh...

Do you have a minute?

What do you want?

Dad!

Joey, get back in the car.

Just want to talk.

All right.

Let's talk.

Pearl, we got company.

Mister, you got a lot of nerve
walking in here after...

Honey, why don't you
show this young man
some iced tea?

I'll be right back,
tiger.

( hissing )

Saw you on...

Weren't you
on that TV show?

Yeah. Yeah, that was me.

You're lucky you made it
out of there alive.

Yeah. Tobacco used to be
all over the television.

Now TV is leading
the witch hunt.

Strange business.

Last year, after
I was diagnosed,

flew east to attend the
annual stockholders' convention.

Stood up and told them
I thought

they ought to cut back
on their advertising.

You know what your
boss said to me?

He said, "We're certainly sorry

"to hear about
your medical problem.

"However, without
knowing more

"of your medical history,

we can't comment further."

But then they
tried to pretend

I never worked for 'em.

Yeah, I got the pay stubs.

But, hell,
I was on the damn billboards.

I never
even smoked

Marlboro.

I smoked Kools.

You look like
a nice-enough fella.

What are you doing
working for these assholes?

I'm good at it.

Better at doing this

than I ever was
at doing anything else.

Aw, hell, son.

I was good at shooting VC.

I didn't make it my career.

I suppose we all
got to pay the mortgage.

Your dad always bring
you along like this?

No. I live
with my mom.

He tell you why
he's here today?

He said that your husband
was the Marlboro Man.

( phone rings )

Yeah, well, not anymore.

Hello.

Yeah. Hey, can you
hold on a second?

You need anything else,
grab it out of the fridge.

So I'm standing here
minding my own business,

filling up pill bottles...

So you're here to talk me
into shutting up?

That what's in that case
of yours?

Yeah, basically.

No, not basically.

That's... that's exactly it.

My dignity ain't for sale.

It's not an offer.
It's a gift.

Taxes have all been paid.

You get to keep it
no matter what you do.

The idea is that, somehow,

your guilt will prevent you
from bad-mouthing us.

Are you supposed to be

telling me all that?

No, sir.
Just apologize,

give you the money,
and leave.

Why are you telling me this?

Because, this way,
you'll take the money.

Why would I do that?

Because you're mad.

Damn straight I am.

The first thing you'll do,

is you'll call the L.A. Times,
and CNN...

Huh?
and insist
on Bonnie Carlton.

She does really good

controlled outrage.

Tell them,
"No Bonnie, no story."

Watch it on MSNBC.

Okay.
When they get here,

you open up the case...

and you pour all the cash
out onto the floor.

Why?
Trust me.

It'll look more
effective that way.

Don't forget to shake
every last bundle out.

If you can, you know,
give a cough or two.

Once it's all
out on the floor,

tell them what you're
going to do with it.

What am I going
to do with it?

You're going
to donate it.

Yeah. Start the Lorne Lutch
Cancer Foundation.

You're going to have
a ranch and a fair

and a 5K.
A 5K is a must. Television...

Wait a minute.

What about my family?

But, Lorne,
you can't keep the money.

Why the hell not?

What do you mean?

Denounce us,
and then keep the blood money?

I mean, look at it.

I got to think
this over.

Lorne, whoa.

News doesn't
work that way.

You can't
denounce us next week.

I don't suppose I can
denounce you for half of it.

No, Lorne. Either you keep
all the money,

or you... you give it all away.

Dad, how
did you know

he would take the money?

You'd have to be crazy
to turn down all that money.

When I saw he wasn't crazy,
I knew he'd take it.

Would you
have taken it?

If I were him? Sure.

So would I.

I don't think you
understand, sir.

He's like
a wild animal.

You'll have to be
on your guard
at all times.

He has this trick.

Ron, shut up.

I've tangoed with presidents,
lawyers and Indian chiefs.

I think I can handle
Mr. Nick Naylor.

( clears throat )

DENNIS MILLER:
All right, welcome back, kids.

We've got two guests
on the show tonight.

First, joining us
from our Washington studio...

I must have that tie clip!

...is the senator from
the great state of Vermont.

Please welcome
Ortolan Finistirre.

Welcome, Senator.

Good to be here, Dennis.

And, joining us here
in our Los Angeles studio,

he is the chief spokesperson

for the Academy
of Tobacco Studies.

Quite an august chamber,
might I add?

Nick Naylor. Nick, welcome.
Pleasure to be here.

All right, I understand you were
on Joan Lunden's show recently.

Didn't make a lot
of friends over there, did you?

I will say that I don't think

I'll be getting
my annual invitation

to the
Finistirre Labor Day Barbecue.

Well, I continue to offer
an open invitation to Mr. Naylor

to join us in Congress
to talk about the inclusion

of our new poison label which,
if I might say...

Nick, ready to trek up
the Hill and testify

before Congress?

Well, I'd love to, Dennis,
but not as long as the senator

is calling for me to be fired.

It's not exactly
a welcome invitation.

Yeah. Bit of a mixed message,
Senator.

Well, not as mixed as the stance
that Big Tobacco has taken

about the dangers
of smoking cigarettes.

Oh, no.
Now what are
you laughing...?

You're a wind-up artist.
Give the man his due.

He's got a bit of a point there,
doesn't he?

Sorry. I just can't
help myself, Dennis.

I... I... I'm just
tickled by the idea

of the gentleman
from Vermont

calling me a hypocrite
when, uh... this same man,

in one day, held a press
conference where he called

for the American tobacco fields
to be slashed and burned,

then he jumped
on a private jet

and flew down to Farm Aid
where he rode a tractor onstage

Oh, come on.
as he bemoaned the downfall
of the American farmer.

Care to comment, Senator?

He... I... No.

Eloquent in its brevity.

Emotional issue.

Let's take
some phone calls now.

Herndon, Virginia.
Go ahead. You're on the show.

MAN:
Dennis, has anyone ever
announced that they're going

to kill someone live
on your show?

My demo's been called quirky
but, no, at this point,

we're not skewing
to the emotionally unstable.

Then it's your lucky day.

Because I'm here to tell
you that, within a week,

we're going to dispatch
Mr. Naylor from this planet

for all the pain and suffering
he's caused in the world.

( click )

As I said, emotional issue.
We're going to break now.

I got to fire a call screener.

Let's go.

( chuckling )

( moans )

This is Nick Naylor
telling you kids,

"Don't do drugs,
smoke cigarettes."

That's really great.

It's like I'm looking
in a mirror.

New idea:

cigarettes for the homeless.

We'll call them "hobos."

( chuckling )

Uh, that's awful.

Any better than "Sector Sixes"?

Right.

Oh, my God, Nick, you're on TV.

( TV playing )

"Lobbyist on the lookout."

You got to be kidding me.

I want to fuck you
while I watch you on TV.

And they call me sick.

Hurry.

Before your segment ends.

All right.

Tell me more about
Los Angeles, baby.

Huh?

NICK:
He says he wants
to trail me everywhere,

I said, "Who's paying for it?"

He says the tobacco company's
paying for it.

I said, "I don't need
a bodyguard."

I'm a man of the people.

Rock on, Kennedy.

Listen, we're all going to
need bodyguards soon enough.

Did you see the coverage
the fetal alcohol people

got themselves
over this weekend?

They made it seem like
we were encouraging

pregnant women to drink.

I'm surprised I didn't
get kidnapped

on my way to work this morning.

I don't think people from
the alcoholic beverage industry

need to worry about
being kidnapped just yet.

Pardon me?

Look, I mean,

nothing personal,
but tobacco generates

a little more heat than alcohol.

Oh, this is news.

My product puts away
475,000 a year.

Oh, okay, now 475
is a legit number.

Okay, 435,000.

That's 1,200 a day.

How many alcohol-related deaths
a year?

Well, does that...
100,000 tops?

That's, what, 270 a day?

Wowee.

270 people, a tragedy.

Excuse me if I don't exactly see
terrorists getting excited

about kidnapping anyone
from the alcohol industry.

Well, you haven't even
Okay,

taken into account
the number of deaths
let's just

breathe.
How many gun deaths
a year in the U.S.?

11,000.

11,000, are you kidding me?

30 a day.

That's less than passenger car
mortalities.

No terrorist would bother
with either of you.

Okay, look...
stupid argument.

I'll say.

I'm sure both of you warrant
vigilante justice.

Thank you.

( motor revs )

( tires screech )

( grunting, groaning )

( engine racing,
overlapping voices )

Hey... please.
Stop... hey.

Who are you guys?

( tires screeching )

GIRL:
And freedom means
that we can do what we want.

And that's really important.

Because otherwise,
we couldn't be free.

And that's why America is the
best government in the world.

Whoa, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, no need for that,
no need for that.

Whoa, whoa, hey.

Hey, wait.

Can we get a dialogue
going here?

Nick, we want you
to stop killing people.

So many people.

Half a million people a year
in the U.S.

That, there's no data
to support that.

Nick... you're not on TV
anymore.

Okay, Joey, it's your turn.

Hey!

Nick, how much do you
smoke a day?

Hey, what are you doing?

According to the box,
each one of those patches

contains 21 milligrams
of nicotine.

That's, like, what?

One pack?

Our industry has been working
hand in hand with...

Nick! Just listen, all right?

What makes America
the best government?

The passion that doesn't exist
anywhere in the world.

Says here there are
many adverse reactions

from those things.

Let's see, "arrhythmia,

"constipation, dyspepsia,

"nausea...
My industry does
$48 billion in revenue.

pharyngitis, sinusitis..."

Sure you can call it capitalism,
a free market,

a celebration
of tariff breakdowns...

"dysmenorrhea..."

I don't even want to know
what that means.

Hey, look, I guess you could
start by, you know,

asking for five million,
working your way up from there.

But I don't want any money,
Nick.

Well, what do you want?

I mean, I'm all ears here.

I have another word for it--

love.

What does any man want?

The love of a woman,

crisp bacon...

an average life span
over 80 years.

Oh, Nick...

( filtered applause )

...you don't look so good.

WOMAN:
If you should smell smoke,

please dial zero
for the operator.

Before leaving the room,
check the door for heat.

Find your nearest
emergency exit,

then soak a washcloth
and cover your nose and mouth.

Do not remove your washcloth.

Try at all times to avoid
breathing in the smoke.

If necessary, crawl on
your hands and knees

to avoid the inhalation
of smoke.

Do not be alarmed.

There are still
no conclusive studies

that link smoking to emphysema.

( machine beeping )

( monotone ):
You woke up.

NICK:
Perhaps a bad choice
of inflection.

Is she implying that I
could've just as easily not?

I was so scared.

Hey, Joey.

( sighs heavily )

What happened?

No nonsmoker
could've ever withstood

the amount of nicotine
you had in your bloodstream.

Hate to say it, but...

cigarettes saved your life.

Can I quote you on that, doc?

You're a real trooper,
my boy.

Hey, Captain,

where are you?

Winston-Salem General.

Damn heart failing me again.

I thought we could be roommates.

Nick, before
we get sidetracked,

there is one thing.

All right, don't get
all dramatic on me, doc.

You can't smoke.

That's no problem.

I've quit before.

I did during the pregnancy.

How long, you think?

I don't think you understand.

It's a miracle you came
out of this alive.

Any smoking-- one cigarette--

could put you right back
into a paralytic state.

Your body just
can't handle it.

Nick, I don't want to put
any more pressure on you,

but we got a camera crew
waiting out there.

If we want to make
the evening news...

You want to unhook me here?

This just goes to prove what
I've been saying for so long.

These nicotine patches
are just deadly.

Smoking saved my life.

Considering your condition,
will you still be able to appear

before Senator Finistirre's
subcommittee hearing

on the usage of poison labels
on cigarette packaging?

Oh, I think now more than ever

it is imperative
that I be there.

Nothing will keep me
from testifying.

Fucking kidnapping.

I don't understand, sir.

Aren't we considering
the kidnapping a good thing?

Well, he didn't die.

He was almost killed, sir.

That's the point.

Now he looks like a victim,
lucky bastard.

The way I heard it,
D.C. police found you naked

laying in Lincoln's crotch

covered in nicotine patches
with a sign across your chest

that said...
He doesn't need
to hear the details.

It was some pretty
fucked up shit.

Shh!

How are you feeling?

I don't know.

First time I'm thinking these
cigarettes are pretty dangerous.

You might be right about that.

What are you doing?

It may be small,
but it'll do the trick.

One shot, bam.

Listen, Nick is not
going to shoot anyone.

Cool.

Yeah, huh?

I mean, uh...

guns are to be treated with
respect, you understand that?

You'll make a great father.

Thanks.

( applause )

Hey, there he is!

Hey, he's back!

Hey!

Welcome back.

You okay?
Great.

Good, 'cause you're booked on
all the Sunday talk shows.

For once we got public sympathy
on our side.

We can start our own little
celebrity victim tour.

I mean, we couldn't have planned
this thing better ourselves.

Oh, maybe next time
I can lose a lung.

Oh. Uh, I heard the, uh...

Heather Holloway article
is coming out tomorrow.

Really?

Yeah, anything I should be
worried about?

Uh, yeah,
the Cancer Association.

Apparently,
they have it in for us.

Fuckers.

What?

I got a call from the paper.

Really?
What'd they want?

They wanted the correct spelling
of my name and job title.

You didn't tell her
about us, did you?

Who?

Heather?

No.

I mean, maybe in passing, I...

In passing.

Oh, God, he fucked her.

I tried to warn you.

Hey, he didn't fuck her.
You didn't fuck her, did you?

When?

In passing.

Look, she's a really nice girl.

Oh, God.

We're really fucked.

NICK:
"Nick Naylor,
lead spokesman for big tobacco,

"would have you believe he
thinks cigarettes are harmless.

"But really, he's doing it
for the mortgage.

BAILEY:
The MOD squad-- meaning, of
course, merchants of death--

is comprised of Polly Bailey
of the Moderation Council

and Bobby Jay Bliss

of the gun business's
own advisory group, SAFETY.

BLISS:
As explained by Naylor, the
sole purpose of their meetings

is to compete for
the highest death toll

as they compare strategies

on how to dupe
the American people.

MEGALL:
The film,
Message from Sector Six,

would emphasize the sex appeal
of cigarettes

in a way that only
floating, nude,

copulating Hollywood stars
could.

LUTCH:
This did not stop Nick
from bribing the dying man

with a suitcase of cash
to keep quiet on the subject

of his recent
lung cancer diagnosis.

JILL:
Nick's own son, Joey Naylor,
seems to be being groomed

for the job
as he joins his father

on the majority of his trips.

( beep )

RECEPTIONIST:
I have Heather Holloway
on line one.

Heather.

Hey, Nick, what did you think?

Heather, uh... I...

I mean, there's a lot
of information in here, Heather,

that is off the record.

You never said anything
about off the record.

I presumed anything said while I
was inside you was privileged.

Nick...

If you wanted to talk on a plane

or at a movie or over dinner,
that would have been fine.

But you wanted to fuck.

That's fine by me.

You used me.

Oh, Nick, come on.

Now we're being children.

Look, we both love our jobs.

I'm just a reporter,
and you're just a lobbyist.

How can you do this to me?

For the mortgage.

Bitch.

Whore.

You should have been
more careful, Nick.

You've destroyed
all the good will
created by your kidnapping.

Well, we'll work up
a rebuttal.

Heather Holloway isn't
the only reporter in town.

No, there isn't going
to be any rebuttal.

What do you mean?

Don't talk to anyone.

We're pulling you
from the congressional hearing.

No, no, no. You can't pull me
from the congressional hearing.

All you'll be doing is giving
credence to her article.

I'm ready to testify.

Look, Nick, half of my job
is damage control.

Today, that consists

of distancing ourselves
from you entirely--

letting you take all
the heat on this article.

Your job relied on your ability
to keep secrets

and spin the truth.

I just cannot
imagine a way

in which you could
have fucked up more.

There's just no way I could
possibly keep you on staff.

Then I assume you've run this
by the captain.

Captain died this morning.

( mellow, jazzy intro plays )

* Where do they go, those smoke
rings I blow each night? *

* Ooh *

* Oh, what do they do, those
circles of blue and white? *

* Why do they seem to picture
a dream of lovin'? *

* Why do they fade
that phantom parade of love? *

( beep )

( over answering machine ):
Mr. Naylor, this is Pete
in Security from the Academy.

Your things are waiting for you

at the information kiosk
in the lobby.

Look, if you don't pick
your stuff up by Friday,

we're instructed
to throw it out.

( beep )

Mr. Naylor, this is Special
Agent Johnson with the FBI.

Having not found any leads in
your kidnapping investigation,

we're going to be handing over
the case

to the local D.C. police,

so please refer to them
in the future

for any updates and questions.

( beep )

Nick, Jack
in Jeff Megall's office.

Jeff really enjoyed
meeting you the other day

and he's just... he's torn up
about the fact

that you two couldn't find
a project to work on.

He's really just...
I don't know.

So, listen,
but we should hang, at least,

so you drop me a line
whenever you're in town.

Uh... my e-mail is, uh...

* Take me with you. *

( knocking on door )

( pounding on door )

Who is it?

JILL:
It's me, Nick.

Jill, this is a bad time.

Let me in.

( sighs softly )

No.

I brought someone
who needs to talk to you.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, Dad.

Coke in the fridge.

So, this Heather Holloway,
she must have been pretty hot.

Yes. She's pretty hot.

Don't take it so hard.

A few flaws can
be appealing.

Makes you human.

Who wants to be human?

Well, I know one person

who still thinks
you're a God.

Why did you tell that reporter
all your secrets?

You're too young to understand.

Mom says it's because
you have dependency issues

and it was all just
a matter of time

before you threw it all away
on some tramp.

Well, that's one theory.

Why are you hiding
from everyone?

It has something to do with
being generally hated right now.

But it's your job to be
generally hated.

It's more complicated
than that, Joey.

You're just making it
more complicated

so that you can feel
sorry for yourself.

Like you always said,

"If you want an easy job,
go work for the Red Cross."

You're a lobbyist.

Your job is to be right, and
you're the best at what you do.

You're the sultan of spin.

"Sultan of spin"?

Mom subscribes to Newsweek.

Who cares what the Brads

of the world think?

He's not my dad.

You are.

NICK:
And right there,
looking into Joey's eyes,

it all came back in a rush.

Why I do what I do--
defending the defenseless,

protecting the disenfranchised
corporations

that have been abandoned
by their very own consumers--

the logger...

the sweatshop foreman...

the oil driller...

the land mine developer...

the baby seal poacher...

Baby seal poacher?

Even I think
that's kind of cruel.

All right, you're
missing the point.

I must be, because I thought
you were apologizing.

I'm getting to that.

When?

Look.

The two of you, you're
basically my only friends,

and the last thing that
I would ever want to do

would be to hurt you.

And, I can
only imagine...

Why are you smiling?

Why is he smiling?

He won a hundred bucks
off of you.

I bet Polly you'd
spill the beans
to that reporter.

That goes against everything
that we stand for.

Oh, please! You've ratted us out
to some reporter with tits!

Glorious tits.

Only after you created a betting
pool testing my incompetence?

Do you have any idea the beating
I'm taking at Moderation?

Well, look, I'm sure both of
you are under a lot of scrutiny.

You know what?
You can stop using the plural.

The guys at Safety
actually liked the name
"Merchants of Death."

They're gonna have
some bumper stickers made up.

I'll make sure you get one.

Thank you.

That is disgusting.

It's American.

Can I have a bite?

Mmm.

So I guess this means

you won't be appearing
at Finistirre's subcommittee.

Hmm. I was kind of looking
forward to it, too.

It's kind of cool in
a Jimmy Stewart sort of way.

More like an Ollie North
sort of way.

Finistirre would have
torn you a new asshole

in a House of Parliament,
no less.

I could have taken him.

Yeah.
Oh, yeah? What
would you have said?

I don't know.

I'd just like him to feel
immeasurable pain,

humiliation.

Yeah, well, that would be
kind of tough.

I mean, he's
already a Senator.

( chuckles )

I mean, how would you get
back in even if you wanted to?

Uh-oh.

You're not gonna like this.

( reporters clamoring )

Hello.
Thanks very much for coming.

First of all, I'd like to say
a few words

to all the people who
are mentioned

in the recent newspaper article.

Please take comfort in knowing

that I will not rest until
your names are cleared.

This experience has taught me
an important lesson--

having sexual affairs
with members of the press

is just unfair.

It's not unfair to me, mind you,

but to all the people in my life
whose only crime is knowing me.

It was your names, not mine,
that suffered

from a meaningless affair
with a seductress

in the form of a young
brunette Washington reporter

whose name I won't mention

because I have dignity.

( reporters clamoring )

Mr. Naylor!

Are you still planning
on testifying

at tomorrow's subcommittee
hearing on tobacco?

I'm glad you asked
that question.

There have been wide accusations
of me dropping out
of tomorrow's hearing.

Let it be known

that unless Senator Finistirre
has withdrawn my invitation

to speak, it is my plan
It's called a subpoena.

to be in Congress tomorrow
to share my knowledge

of big tobacco and all those
who enjoy its products.

Thank you very much.
I'll see you tomorrow.

( all clamoring )

( TV shuts off )

( phone rings )

( cacophony of phones ringing )

( indistinct, distorted
roaring and shutters clicking )

Still feel like
Jimmy Stewart?

Good.

( beeping )

( electronic squealing )

Why don't you all
go ahead?

This could be a while.

( electronic squealing
continues )

If we could, um... if we could
take our seats, please.

( clears throat )

Gentlemen, ladies.

If I may call this meeting
to order.

We'll do everything we can to
keep things brief and concise

so that we can all
get out of here on time.

The skull and crossbones
means one thing:

Poison.

Thus, the message
is quite clear.

Like any other product
that carries the branding,

if you take it,
you will die.

Yes, but isn't this overkill?

Why don't we just use words,
as we currently do?

Something that describes the
dangers of cigarette smoking.

Well, the American public
is not affected

by masthead anymore.

They need images.

We've done studies
which show that consumers react

up to 80% more to imagery
rather than words.

The stats are there.

It's just sad

that the Academy of Tobacco
Studies did not release

this type
of information earlier.

When you say the Academy
of Tobacco Studies,

you're referring to...

Yes.

to the coalition...

Yes, the
coalition.

The big... big tobacco...

...that is
represented by...

By, um...

And specifically

Mr...

Um...

Mr., uh, Nick Naylor.

Nick Naylor?

Thank you very much.

WITNESS:
The current use

of words instead of imagery

is an obvious move against the
non-English-speaking population

of the United States.

The skull
and crossbones

speak loudly in all languages.

By not using it,
they're saying

they want those who can't
read English to die.

Hmm. Senor Herrera,

could you clarify "they"?

NICK:
Let it be known,

the public beating
has not gone out of style.

Nick Naylor,
please step forward.

You go sit with him.

Please state your name,
address and current occupation.

My name is Nick Naylor.

I live at 6000
Massachusetts Avenue

and I am currently unemployed,

but until recently,
I was the vice president

of the Academy
of Tobacco Studies.

Mr. Naylor,

as vice president
of the Academy

of Tobacco Studies,
what was required of you?

What did you do?

I informed the public
of all the research performed

in the investigation
on the effects of tobacco.

Mm-hmm,
and what,

so far,
has the Academy concluded

in their investigation
into the effects of tobacco?

Well, many things, actually.

Why, just the other day
they uncovered evidence

that smoking can offset
Parkinson's disease.

( amused buzz )

I'm sure the health
community

is thrilled.

Mr. Naylor, who provides
the financial backing

for the Academy
of Tobacco Studies?

Uh... Conglomerated Tobacco.

That's the cigarette companies.

For the most part, yes.

Do you think that...

might affect their priorities?

No, just as I'm sure

campaign contributions
don't affect yours.

Ohh.

( all laughing )

Senators, Mr. Naylor is not here
to testify on the goings-on

of the Academy
of Tobacco Studies.

We're here to examine
the possibility

of a warning logo
on cigarettes.

Now, Mr. Naylor,

I have to ask you,
out of formality,

do you believe that smoking
cigarettes, over time,

can lead to lung cancer and
other respiratory conditions

such as emphysema?

Yes.

In fact, I think you'd be
hard-pressed

to find someone
who really believes

that cigarettes are not
potentially harmful.

I mean, show of hands,
who out here thinks

that cigarettes
aren't dangerous...
Mr. Naylor.

There's no need for theatrics.

Sir, I just don't see the point
in a warning label for something
people already know.

The warning symbol

is a reminder, a reminder of the
dangers of smoking cigarettes.

Well, if we want to remind
people of danger,

why don't we slap
a skull and crossbones

on all Boeing airplanes,

Senator Lothridge?

And all Fords, Senator Dupree?

That is ridiculous.

The death toll from airline
and automobile accidents

doesn't even skim the surface
of cigarettes.

They don't even compare.

Oh, this from a senator
who calls Vermont home.

I don't follow you,
Mr. Naylor.

Well, the real

demonstrated number one killer
in America is cholesterol,

and here comes
Senator Finistirre,

whose fine state is,
I regret to say,

clogging the nation's arteries
with Vermont cheddar cheese.

( audience murmuring )

If we want to talk numbers,
how about the millions of people

dying of heart attacks.

Perhaps Vermont cheddar

should come
with a skull and crossbones.

That is lud...

The great state of Vermont

will not apologize
for its cheese.

Mr. Naylor,

we are here to
discuss cigarettes.

Not planes, not
cars-- cigarettes.

Now, as we discussed earlier,
these warning labels

are not for those who know, but
rather for those who don't know.

( sighs )

What about the children?

Gentlemen...

it's called education.

It doesn't come off the side
of a cigarette carton.

It comes from our teachers,

and more importantly,
our parents.

It is the job
of every parent

to warn their children of all
the dangers of the world,

including cigarettes, so that
one day, when they get older,

they can choose for themselves.

I look at my... son

who...

was kind enough
to come with me today,

and I can't help but think

that I am responsible
for his growth

and his development.

And I'm proud of that.

Well, having
said that,

would you condone him smoking?

Well, of course not.
He's not 18.

That would be illegal.

( chuckling )

Yes, I-I heard you deliver
that line on 20-20,

but enough dancing.

What are you going to do
when he turns 18?

Come on,
Mr. Naylor.

On his 18th birthday, will
you share a cigarette with him?

Will you spend
a lovely afternoon,

like one of your ludicrous
cigarette advertisements?

You seem to have a lot to say

about how we
should raise our children.

What of your own?

What are you
going to do

when he turns 18?

If he really wants a cigarette,
I'll buy him his first pack.

( audience mutters softly )

Thank you for your testimony,
Mr. Naylor. You're excused.

I'll meet you
outside, okay?

Great.

Well done, my boy.

Were you in the
same room as me?

The whole personal
choice thing?

They ate that shit up.

( laughing ):
Just checked
the whip count.

That bill is
going down in flames.

Your speech was unorthodox,
but you did it, boy.

You crushed the fucker.

That's good news
for you guys.

Oh. Whoa, whoa.

We're still
a team, right?

What about
damage control?

Look, Nick.

Winston-Salem is ready
to do whatever it takes

to keep you onboard.

( crowd clamoring )

Nick, will you continue
fighting for cigarettes?

Of course he will.

This man here
is our general.

We're not just gonna
let him retire.

REPORTER:
Is that correct, Nick?

You're sticking with tobacco?

NICK:
Now, I know what
you're probably thinking.

What a great opportunity for me

to teach Joey
how to use leverage against

a backstabbing boss.

But I actually meant what
I said about responsibility.

Some things
are just more important

than paying a mortgage.

So I did the only responsible
thing I could.

I turned down the job.

And my timing
couldn't have been better.

Within a few months,
the cigarette companies

settled
with the American smoker

to the tune of $246 billion.

And the Academy
of Tobacco Studies

was permanently dismantled.

For the first time in decades,

BR found himself out of work.

Otherwise,
not much has changed.

The MOD squad
still meets every week.

Nice.

We even added
a few new members.

The things I could learn
from you, Bobby Jay.

POLLY:
Right.

BOBBY JAY:
Stick around.
Stick around.

Senator Finistirre is still
fighting for his causes.

What do you say
to the people who claim

you are destroying
cinema classics?

Mmm, no. All
we're doing

is using
digital technology

to tastefully update
movies of the past...

by removing cigarettes.

I believe that if these
stars were alive today,

they would agree that
we're doing the right thing.

But, in essence, aren't
you changing history?

No, I think we're
improving history.

Even Heather
is still reporting.

The whole town
has been evacuated.

They're calling this
the storm of the century.

Not much changes at all.

And this year's Foggy Bottom
Debating Society Champion is...

Joey Naylor.

Yay!
Yay!

NICK:
Joey!

POLLY:
Joey!

NICK:
Joey, Joey!

That's my boy.

Hold it up. Hold it up.

( Polly whooping )

And me?

Well, there's still a place
for guys like me.

So, be straight with me.

Is it true?

It could be.
Come on.

We know of very few cases.

There's no scientific
proof at all.

There was an unfortunate
incident out in Iowa...

It's really
a complicated situation.

NICK:
Gentlemen,

practice these words
in front of the mirror.

"Although we are constantly
exploring the subject,

"currently,
there is no direct evidence

"that links cell phone usage

to brain cancer."

( relieved sigh )

Michael Jordan plays ball.

Charles Manson kills people.

I talk.

Everyone has a talent.

* Some people say
I'm a no count *

* Others say I'm no good *

* But I'm just a natural-born
travelin' man *

* Doin' what I think I should *

* Oh, yeah *

* Doin' what I think I should *

* And I don't give a damn
about a greenback dollar *

* Spend it fast as I can *

* Oh, a wailin' song
and a good guitar *

* The only things
that I understand *

* Poor boy *

* The only things
that I understand *

* When I was a little baby *

* My mama said, "Hey, son *

* "Travel where you will
and grow to be a man *

* "And sing
what must be sung *

* "Poor boy *

* Sing what must be sung" *

* And I don't give a damn
about a greenback dollar *

* Spend it fast as I can *

* For a wailin' song
and a good guitar *

* The only things
that I understand *

* Poor boy *

* The only things
that I understand *

* Now that I'm a grown man *

* I've traveled here and there *

* I've learned that a bottle
of brandy and a song *

* The only ones who ever care *

* Poor boy *

* The only ones who ever care *

* And I don't give a damn
about a greenback dollar *

* Spend it fast as I can *

* For a wailin' song
and a good guitar *

* The only things
that I understand *

* Poor boy *

* The only things
that I understand *

* Some people say
I'm a no count *

* Others say I'm no good *

* But I'm just a natural-born
travelin' man *

* Doin' what I think I should *

* Oh, yeah *

* Doin' what I think I should *

* And I don't give a damn
about a greenback dollar *

* Spend it fast as I can *

* For a wailin' song
and a good guitar *

* The only things
that I understand *

* Poor boy *

* The only things
that I understand *

* The only
things that I understand *

* Poor boy *

* The only things
that I understand. *