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00:00:15,515 --> 00:00:16,483
.
>>> GOOD EVENING.
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00:00:16,483 --> 00:00:23,556
I'M JEANINE PIRRO.
YOU'RE WATCHING "JUSTICE JUDGE
WITH JUDGE JUSTICE."
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00:00:23,556 --> 00:00:27,527
TONIGHT'S TOP STORY, IS THE
PRESIDENT DEAD?
POLITICALLY, YES.
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00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:42,042
OTHERWISE, I'M TOLD HE'S FINE.
BUT FIRST THE JACK VEEN GUS TAP
POE IS AT IT AGAIN.
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00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:44,210
SICKY-NIKKI'S AND FAUCI-OUCHIES
UNTIL ALL OF US YELL HEIL BIDEN
AND JOIN THEIR ZOMBIE ARMY OF
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00:00:44,210 --> 00:00:46,279
THE VAXXED.
OUR FIRST GUEST IS AN AMERICAN
BRAVE ENOUGH TO STAND AND UP
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SAY, "SCREW YOU, SCIENCE, I KNOW
JOE ROGAN!"
PLEASE WELCOME NFL MVP, MOST
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00:00:53,887 --> 00:01:05,065
AARON RODGERS.
>> HEY.
IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.
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00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:11,838
REMEMBER WHEN I HOSTED
"JEOPARDY."
>> NOW, AARON, CAN YOU BELIEVE
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00:01:11,838 --> 00:01:19,312
YOU'RE NOT VACCINATED.
IT'S YOUR BODY AND YOUR COVID.
PLEASE DON'T USE THAT FOR ANY
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00:01:19,312 --> 00:01:26,219
OTHER ISSUES.
>> SUDDEN THE WOKE MOB IS COMING
AFTER ME.
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00:01:26,219 --> 00:01:36,863
IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD, STATE FARM
CALLED AND THEY'RE NOT GIVING ME
THE AARON RODGERS BREAK.
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00:01:36,863 --> 00:01:42,902
>> STRAIGHT TALK.
>> I GOT ALL THEIR FACES THREE
INCHES AWAY FROM MY WET MOUTH
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AND TOLD THEM, TRUST ME.
I'M MORE OR LESS IMMUNIZED.
>> YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T GET THE
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00:01:48,375 --> 00:01:54,280
VACCINE BECAUSE IT MIGHT MAKE
YOU STERILE, WHICH IS SO INSANE,
I'M JEALOUS I DIDN'T SAY IT.
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00:01:54,280 --> 00:02:00,653
>> AT THE END OF THE DAY, MY
RECORD IS STILL 7-1.
MEANING OF THE 8 PEOPLE I HAVE
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00:02:00,653 --> 00:02:07,660
INFECTED, SEVEN ARE FINE.
>> WOW!
CALL THIS GUY THE BOTTOM OF THE
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00:02:07,660 --> 00:02:12,966
SNAPPLE CAP BECAUSE SHE'S GOT
FACTS.
MY NEXT GUEST TURNED VIRGINIA AS
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00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:15,535
RED AS MY FACE GETS WHEN I TALK
ABOUT NEARLY ANY SUBJECT.
PLEASE WELCOME GOVERNOR-ELECT,
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00:02:15,535 --> 00:02:22,242
GLENN YOUNGKIN.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> JUDGE JEANINE, THANK YOU SO
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00:02:22,242 --> 00:02:31,117
MUCH FOR HAVING ME.
MY WIN IN VIRGINIA PROVES THAT
PEOPLE ARE DEEPLY CONCERNED
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00:02:31,117 --> 00:02:35,488
ABOUT EDUCATION.
>> AND WHO ARE MOST OF YOUR
VOTES?
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00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:36,923
>> PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T GO TO
COLLEGE.
>> EXCELLENT.
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00:02:36,923 --> 00:02:38,825
NOW, CRITICAL RACE THEORY IS
SOMETHING YOU TALKED ABOUT A
LOT.
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00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:45,465
WHAT IS CRITICAL RACE THEORY?
>> IT'S SIMPLE.
IT'S WHAT GOT ME ELECTED.
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00:02:45,465 --> 00:02:50,970
>> RIGHT.
BUT WHAT IS IT?
>> IT'S NOT IMPORTANT, YOU KNOW?
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WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS PARENTS.
EVERYONE KNOWS THEY SHOULD RUN
SCHOOLS.
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THAT'S WHY I INVITED.
>> HELLO.
I'M A HUGE FAN OF YOUR JUDGING
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00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:11,925
AND YOUR TALKING.
>> OH.
I LIKE THIS ONE ALREADY.
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00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:14,060
HELEN, WHAT ARE YOUR FEELINGS ON
EDUCATION?
>> WHEN MY SON BROUGHT HOME THE
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BOOK "BELOVED" BY TONI MORRISON,
I PUT DOWN MY COPY OF "FIFTY
SHADES" AND SAID, "NO!
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00:03:17,630 --> 00:03:22,369
A WOMAN NAMED TONI, NOT IN MY
AMERICA."
SO A GROUP OF PARENTS AND I PUT
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00:03:22,369 --> 00:03:26,072
TOGETHER OUR LIST OF BOOKS THAT
SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED IN THE
CLASSROOM.
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00:03:26,072 --> 00:03:31,211
"HOLES."
SOUNDS SEXUAL.
"PRIDE AND PREJUDICE."
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00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:38,518
PREJUDICE IS FINE, BUT PRIDE IS
A TERM THAT HAS BEEN CO-OPTED BY
THE GAYS FOR SOME SORT OF
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00:03:38,518 --> 00:03:45,425
LADY GAGA-THEMED NUDITY.
"INVISIBLE MAN."
WHAT'S HE DOING?
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00:03:45,425 --> 00:03:47,394
WHERE IS HE?
CAN HE SEE ME IN MY HOME OR WHAT
I GOOGLE?
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00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:51,931
"THE GREAT GATSBY."
TOO MUCH JAZZ.
AND "MOBY DICK."
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00:03:51,931 --> 00:03:57,637
NOW, THAT ONE'S A TOSS-UP.
TITLE IS DIRTY, LOVE THAT THE
WHALE IS WHITE.
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00:03:57,637 --> 00:04:19,759
GET HIM TO SEAWORLD, STAT.
>> YEAH.
SEE, YOU KNOW, I AM SO GRATEFUL
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00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:26,466
>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I JUST WANTED TO CONGRATULATION
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00:04:26,466 --> 00:04:30,970
GLENN YOUNGKIN AND MOSTLY MYSELF
ON A TREMENDOUS WIN IN VIRGINIA.
WE DID IT TOGETHER.
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00:04:30,970 --> 00:04:37,077
>> OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY
THAT.
MR. PRESIDENT, WHAT AN
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00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:43,316
UNEXPECTED AND FRANKLY HORNY
SURPRISE.
>> IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE JUDGE
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00:04:43,316 --> 00:04:46,252
JUDY.
AND IT'S GREAT TO BE WINNING
AGAIN.
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00:04:46,252 --> 00:04:52,459
>> YOU WILL SEE A LOT MORE
WINNING WHERE THAT CAME FROM.
>> OH, YOU CAN TAKE ME OFF THE
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00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:56,396
SPLIT SCREEN.
>> NO, WE DID THIS TOGETHER.
I REALLY WANT YOU TO STAY.
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00:04:56,396 --> 00:04:59,332
>> REALLY.
THAT'S OKAY.
>> EXCUSE ME.
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EXCUSE ME.
EXCUSE ME.
HE'S SOMEONE THAT TAKES ADVICE
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00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:13,480
SO WELL.
CAN I GET 60 SECONDS ON THE
CLOCK, PLEASE?
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00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:18,785
BECAUSE THERE IS A LOT OF TIMES
WHEN I WAS GIVING ADVICE AND
PEOPLE WEREN'T LISTENING AND IT
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00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:24,290
DIDN'T WORK OUT SO GREAT FOR
SOME OF THOSE PEOPLE, OKAY?
WHEN YOU LOOK BACK WITH STAR
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WARS, I SAID, YOU NEED TO DO IT
WITH SWORDS.
THE LASERS ARE NOT ENOUGH.
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00:05:29,362 --> 00:05:34,067
I SAID THIS TO GEORGE.
I SAID, IF YOU ARE GOING TO DO
STAR WARS, OKAY, YOU HAVE TO
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HAVE REAL SWORDS.
AND LOOK AT WHAT THEY'RE DOING
WITH NOON.
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00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,945
AND LOOK WHAT THEY'RE DOING WITH
"DUNE."
OKAY, I'VE TALKED TO
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00:05:45,945 --> 00:05:48,081
DENIS VILLENEUVE.
I SAID TO HIM, "IF YOU'RE GOING
TO DO A 'STAR WARS,' YOU'RE
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00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:50,250
GOING TO NEED REAL SWORDS, OKAY?
YOU NEED REAL SWORDS."
AND LOOK AT THE SUCCESS OF
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00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,719
"DUNE."
LOOK AT CHALAMET, LOOK AT ALL OF
IT, LOOK AT THE WHOLE THING.
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00:05:52,719 --> 00:05:54,988
FRANKLY, WITH "DUNE," YOU'VE GOT
MOMOA, AND EVERYONE'S DOING
FLIPS, AND IT'S VERY "GAME OF
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00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:56,923
THRONES."
OKAY?
AND PEOPLE WERE VERY
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00:05:56,923 --> 00:05:58,958
DISAPPOINTED WITH "GAME OF
THRONES," YOU KNOW, HOW IT
ENDED.
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00:05:58,958 --> 00:06:01,594
THEY DIDN'T LIKE THE ENDING TOO
MUCH, OKAY?
BUT WITH "DUNE," YOU HAVE A LOT
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00:06:01,594 --> 00:06:04,698
OF POSSIB -- I SEE A LOT OF
POSSIBILITY WITH "DUNE."
THEY'RE GOING TO DO 3, 4, 5,
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00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:10,804
15 MOVIES.
AND, FRANKLY, I SEE A LOT OF
POSSIBILITY WITH VIRGINIA.
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00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:18,044
>> YOU ARE IMPRESSIVE.
HOW DO YOU KEEP THAT
ALL IN YOUR BRAIN?
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00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:20,113
>> WELL, I HAD MY EARS SEALED SO
NOTHING COMES IN OR OUT,
NOTHING.
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00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:26,319
>> AND MR. PRESIDENT, YOU NEVER
ACTUALLY CAMPAIGNED WITH
GLENN YOUNGKIN, DID YOU?
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00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:28,221
>> WELL, NO.
I
NEVER DID, I NEVER DID -- GLENN,
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00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:30,323
GLENN, GLENN, GLENN, GLENN,
DON'T YOU DARE.
DON'T YOU DARE.
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00:06:30,323 --> 00:06:33,960
DON'T YOU DARE, GLENN.
YOU NEED TO HEAR THIS.
I WAS NEVER THERE, THERE.
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00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:41,601
OKAY?
I WAS NEVER THERE, THERE.
BUT I TOLD LOTS OF PEOPLE THEY
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00:06:41,601 --> 00:06:48,875
SHOULD VOTE FOR GLENN.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
MOST PEOPLE DON'T LIKE HIM.
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00:06:48,875 --> 00:06:50,877
AND YOU KNOW WHAT, MOST PEOPLE
DON'T LIKE GLENN, BUT HE'S --
HE'S A WONDERFUL GUY.
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00:06:50,877 --> 00:06:52,912
HE'S A WONDERFUL GUY.
HE'S TALL, HE'S RICH.
LIKE MY SONS, GLENN.
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00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:57,484
YOU'RE LIKE MY SON, OKAY?
>> PLEASE DON'T SAY THAT.
>> WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, HE'S A
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WONDERFUL GUY.
BUT THESE PC FOLKS, THEY DON'T
LIKE HIM, THEY DON'T LIKE HIM AT
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00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:06,860
ALL.
CAN I GET 60 MORE SECONDS ON THE
CLOCK, PLEASE?
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00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:10,130
ALL RIGHT, 'CAUSE THESE PC
FOLKS -- THESE PC FOLKS, THEY
DON'T LIKE CHRIS PRATT AS MARIO.
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00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:16,870
YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M VERY CLOSE
WITH MARIO.
WE'RE VERY CLOSE WITH MARIO.
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00:07:16,870 --> 00:07:22,375
VERY CLOSE WITH LUIGI.
WE PLAY GOLF TOGETHER.
YOU KNOW, OUR WIVES PLAY GOLF
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00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,044
TOGETHER.
PEACH IS A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF
MINE.
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00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:26,646
WE'RE VERY CLOSE WITH PEACH.
AND, WITH THE TOADS, BY THE WAY,
I DID SO GREAT WITH THE TOADS.
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00:07:26,646 --> 00:07:29,249
OKAY?
I DID SO GREAT WITH TOADS.
WE DO GREAT WITH TOADS.
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00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:36,556
YOU KNOW THE LITTLE MUSHROOM
PEOPLE, A LOT OF THEM CAME OUT
THE LAST ELECTION.
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00:07:36,556 --> 00:07:38,491
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
THE TOADS LOVE CHRIS PRATT,
OKAY?
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00:07:38,491 --> 00:07:46,833
AND HIS MARIO IS GOING TO DO A
LOT BETTER THAN THAT -- OH GOD,
IT WAS SO AWFUL, THAT "ETERNALS"
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00:07:46,833 --> 00:07:48,902
YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S TOO DIVERSE
AND NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THAT,
OKAY?
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00:07:48,902 --> 00:07:53,073
THAT MOVIE'S ROTTEN.
IT'S ROTTEN, JUST ASK THE
TOMATOES, OKAY?
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00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:59,846
YOU CAN ASK THE TOMATOES.
BECAUSE OF THIS AWFUL
SHIPPING NIGHTMARE WE'VE GOT
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00:07:59,846 --> 00:08:02,615
WITH SLOW JOE.
WE'VE GOT AN AWFUL SHIPPING
NIGHTMARE.
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00:08:02,615 --> 00:08:07,320
YOU KNOW, THIS IS TRUE, OKAY?
THIS IS TRUE.
A GUY CAME UP TO ME THE OTHER
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00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:16,096
DAY, BIG GUY, TEARS IN HIS EYES,
AND HE SAYS, "SIR, MY NAME IS
SANTA CLAUS."
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00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:21,501
CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED.
CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED, SIR.
AND I SAID, "WE CAN'T LET THAT
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00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:26,773
HAPPEN, SANTA.
AND THAT'S WHY I ASKED HIM TO
GIVE VIRGINIA TO GLENN YOUNGKIN.
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00:08:26,773 --> 00:08:31,711
I ASKED HIM TO GIVE YOU
VIRGINIA.
WE DID IT.
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00:08:31,711 --> 00:08:36,583
WE DID IT TOGETHER BECAUSE IT'S
A GREAT COUNTRY.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT, SANTA DID IT,
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00:08:36,583 --> 00:08:38,418
SANTA DID IT, BECAUSE HE LOVES
AMERICA AND HE LOVES TRUMP.
RIGHT, GLENN?
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00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:44,057
>> WOW.
MR. PRESIDENT, YOU HIT ALL THE
TOPICS I WANTED TO HEAR ABOUT.
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00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:49,396
AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!
**
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00:08:49,396 --> 00:08:53,833
**
>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
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00:10:50,216 --> 00:11:00,660
AND YOUR HOST --
KIERAN CULKIN!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
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00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:25,118
KIERAN CULKIN!
[ APPLAUSE ]
>>> THANK YOU.
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00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:31,825
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
SO HAPPY TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW.
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00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:38,164
I'M KIERAN CULKIN.
FOR THE PAST FEW YEARS I'VE BEEN
WORKING ON A SHOW
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00:11:38,164 --> 00:11:43,870
CALLED "SUCCESSION."
I PLAY ONE OF THE NICER
CHARACTERS ON THE SHOW, WHICH
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00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:50,810
STILL MAKES HIM ONE OF THE TOP
TEN WORST HUMANS ON TV.
SOMETIMES PEOPLE WILL BE LIKE,
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00:11:50,810 --> 00:11:56,516
YOU KNOW, THAT PART REALLY SUITS
YOU.
WHICH ISN'T REALLY A COMPLIMENT.
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00:11:56,516 --> 00:12:06,292
IT IS SORT OF LIKE GOING UP TO
SOMEONE SAYING YOU KNOW WHAT
ROLE WOULD FIT YOU LIKE A GLOVE?
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00:12:06,292 --> 00:12:07,660
GIULIANI.
OH.
MY.
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00:12:07,660 --> 00:12:15,235
BUT IT'S BEEN A BIG YEAR.
MY WIFE AND I JUST WELCOMED OUR
SECOND CHILD IN AUGUST.
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00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:23,176
LOVE BEING A DAD.
IT'S GREAT.
AND I GOT -- I GOT ASKED TO HOST
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00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:26,546
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
WHICH HAS ALWAYS BEEN A DREAM OF
MINE.
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00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:32,819
AND I'VE GOT TO SAY, MY WIFE HAS
BEEN REALLY SUPPORTIVE AND
WONDERFUL THROUGH THE PROCESS.
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00:12:32,819 --> 00:12:41,995
BUT I HAVE THIS FEELING THAT
SHE'S BEEN TERRIFIED FOR ME.
JUST REALLY NERVOUS.
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00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:45,265
JAZZ, WHEREVER YOU ARE -- THERE
YOU ARE.
I JUST WANT TO ASSURE YOU THAT
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00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:48,635
EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, IT DOESN'T
MATTER.
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00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:53,139
EVEN IF I DO MESS UP AND, QUOTE,
SHAME THE FAMILY.
THANK YOU.
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00:12:53,139 --> 00:12:57,110
WE'RE GOING TO BE GREAT.
I ACTUALLY DON'T THINK THAT'S
GOING TO HAPPEN BECAUSE THIS
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00:12:57,110 --> 00:13:03,316
ISN'T MY FIRST TIME BEING HERE.
I HAVE BEEN ON THIS VERY STAGE.
I WAS ON AN EPISODE OF SNL BACK
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00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:10,156
WHEN MY BROTHER MAX HOSTED 30
YEARS AGO.
ALMOST TO THE DAY.
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00:13:10,156 --> 00:13:16,329
I WAS NINE YEARS OLD.
I GOT TO BE IN THREE SKETCHES.
TWO OF WHICH ARE
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00:13:16,329 --> 00:13:19,165
NON-PROBLEMATIC.
AND AT THE END OF THE SHOW, I
GOT TO BE ON THE STAGE FOR THE
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00:13:19,165 --> 00:13:25,772
GOOD NIGHTS, AND I THINK WE HAVE
A CLIP.
CAN WE SHOW IT?
125
00:13:25,772 --> 00:13:32,178
SO THERE'S MY BROTHER.
AND THE CAST IS LIFTING HIM UP
ON THEIR SHOULDERS.
126
00:13:32,178 --> 00:13:37,584
AND, BOOM, THERE I AM.
CLEARLY JEALOUS.
THEY'RE PICKING HIM UP, MY
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00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:40,286
BROTHER'S GOT HIS ARMS UP
VICTORIOUSLY.
I'M DOWN ON THE GROUND LIKE, "ME
128
00:13:40,286 --> 00:13:50,096
WANT UPPIES.
SO CHECK OUT WHAT I DO NEXT.
I ASKED KEVIN NEALON TO PICK ME
129
00:13:50,096 --> 00:14:01,808
UP AND HE GOES, YEAH, OKAY,
SURE.
I JUST START HAMMING IT UP.
130
00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:07,847
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT WAS.
LIKE A DE NIRO IMPRESSION.
I WANTED TO SHOW THAT CLIP FOR
131
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:11,851
TWO REASONS.
ONE IN THE HOPES THAT SOMEONE
FROM THE CAST WILL PICK ME UP
132
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:17,824
AGAIN AT THE END OF THE SHOW.
AND, TWO, BECAUSE I HAVE WAITED
30 YEARS TO BE BACK ON THIS
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00:14:17,824 --> 00:14:22,696
STAGE AND SAY, WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
ED SHEERAN IS HERE.
134
00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:24,297
ED SHEERAN IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
135
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:43,710
>> YEAH, HELLO?
>> THIS IS A CALL-BACK REQUEST
FROM SPECTRUM CABLE.
136
00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:49,949
PLEASE HOLD FOR A
REPRESENTATIVE.
>> HI, THERE, THIS IS MATHEUS
137
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:57,190
WITH SPECTRUM CABLE, IS THIS
BRAD HERMAN?
>> YEAH, HI.
138
00:15:57,190 --> 00:16:01,027
>> HI.
AND WHAT CAN I HELP YOU
WITH TODAY, MR. HERMAN?
139
00:16:01,027 --> 00:16:03,029
>> I JUST NEED TO CANCEL MY
CABLE.
>> OH, I'M SO SORRY TO HEAR
140
00:16:03,029 --> 00:16:06,032
THAT, MR. HERMAN.
BEFORE WE BEGIN, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO ADD A TELEPHONE LAND LINE TO
141
00:16:06,032 --> 00:16:11,705
YOUR CURRENT PACKAGE FOR $12.99
A MONTH?
>> NO, I'M GOOD.
142
00:16:11,705 --> 00:16:14,307
I JUST NEED TO CANCEL THE CABLE.
I TRIED TO DO IT ONLINE BUT IT
SAID I HAD TO CALL.
143
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:20,547
>> OF COURSE, MR. HERMAN.
MAY I ASK THE REASON FOR YOUR
CANCELATION?
144
00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:28,922
>> YEAH, MY GIRLFRIEND AND I
BROKE UP AND I'M MOVING OUT.
>> OH, NO, I'M SO SORRY.
145
00:16:28,922 --> 00:16:34,227
I'M SO SORRY YOUR RELATIONSHIP
FELL APART, MR. HERMAN.
MR. HERMAN,
146
00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:36,930
MAY I ASK THE CAUSE OF THE
BREAKUP?
[ LAUGHTER ]
147
00:16:36,930 --> 00:16:39,566
>> NO.
THAT'S PERSONAL.
>> OF COURSE, MR. HERMAN.
148
00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:43,203
PLEASE WRITE DOWN THIS REFERENCE
NUMBER IN CASE WE GET
DISCONNECTED.
149
00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:45,839
DO YOU HAVE A PEN AND PAPER
HANDY?
>> NO.
150
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:52,912
NOT REALLY.
>> WONDERFUL.
MR. HERMAN,
151
00:16:52,912 --> 00:17:08,194
THE NUMBER IS 7-B AS IN BOY, F
AS IN FIGHT.
G AS IN 5G.
152
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:10,230
PLEASE HOLD FOR A CANCELLATION
AGENT.
>> YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US
153
00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:12,832
AND WILL BE ANSWERED IN THE
ORDER THAT WE FEEL LIKE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
154
00:17:12,832 --> 00:17:18,571
>> HI, THIS IS TANYA.
FOR SECURITY PURPOSES, CAN YOU
TELL ME THE 42-DIGIT CUSTOMER
155
00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:22,242
PIN NUMBER THAT CAME ON YOUR
FIRST BILL?
[ LAUGHTER ]
156
00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:25,345
>> ON MY FIRST BILL, THE ONE I
GOT SIX YEARS AGO?
I DON'T HAVE THAT.
157
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:29,516
>> NOT A PROBLEM.
WE CAN USE ONE OF YOUR SECURITY
QUESTIONS.
158
00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:34,220
WHAT CITY DID YOUR MOM LOSE HER
VIRGINITY IN?
[ LAUGHTER ]
159
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:39,526
>> THAT'S DISGUSTING.
I DON'T THINK I WANT TO TALK
ABOUT THAT.
160
00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:42,562
>> WELL, AND THAT IS WHAT YOU
ANSWERED.
OKAY.
161
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,698
ALL RIGHT, SO WHEN IS A GOOD
TIME FOR A SPECTRUM TECHNICIAN
TO COME INSTALL YOUR NEW LAND
162
00:17:44,698 --> 00:17:48,501
LINE?
>> NEVER.
I DON'T WANT A LAND LINE, OKAY?
163
00:17:48,501 --> 00:17:52,172
I WANT TO CANCEL MY CABLE.
>> OF COURSE.
SO I WILL TRANSFER YOU TO
164
00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:55,809
CANCELATIONS.
I'VE BEEN TONYA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
165
00:17:55,809 --> 00:17:59,479
>> WI-FI TROUBLE?
TRY UNPLUGGING YOUR ROUTER AND
SPITTING IN IT.
166
00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:05,218
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> THIS IS DONNA WITH SPECTRUM.
JUST TO CONFIRM, IT SAYS HERE
167
00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:08,855
YOU'RE LOOKING TO PAY MORE MONEY
FOR LESS CHANNELS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
168
00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:12,025
>> NO, NO, WHY WOULD I WANT
THAT?
>> I'M NOT SURE, SIR.
169
00:18:12,025 --> 00:18:15,095
THAT'S WHY I ASKED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HOW DARE I, RIGHT?
170
00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:20,333
PISSING ME OFF.
HOLD, PLEASE.
>> DUE TO HIGHER THAN NORMAL
171
00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:23,470
CALL VOLUME, YOUR CALL WILL NOT
BE ANSWERED.
GOOD-BYE.
172
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:31,277
>> OH MY GOD.
YES, HELLO?
>> HI, MR. HERMAN, THIS IS TINA
173
00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:34,481
WITH SPECTRUM, HOW ARE YOU THIS
AFTERNOON?
>> HONESTLY, NOT GREAT.
174
00:18:34,481 --> 00:18:38,585
HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M -- NOT GREAT EITHER,
ACTUALLY.
175
00:18:38,585 --> 00:18:44,290
[ LAUGHTER ]
MY LIFE IS PRETTY MUCH FALLING
APART.
176
00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:47,961
AND I'M SORRY, I'LL TRANSFER
YOU, THANK YOU FOR USING
SPECTRUM, PLEASE HOLD.
177
00:18:47,961 --> 00:18:52,665
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> DOING NO-NUT NOVEMBER?
SPECTRUM'S GOT YOU COVERED WITH
178
00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:58,905
A SELECTION OF SEX AND NUDITY
MOVIES ON DEMAND.
>> NO-NUT NOVEMBER?
179
00:18:58,905 --> 00:19:03,576
>> HEY WHAT COLOR IS YOUR HOUSE,
MAN?
[ LAUGHTER ]
180
00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:07,247
>> I'M SORRY?
>> YEAH, THIS IS A SPECTRUM
TECH.
181
00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:10,884
I AM ON YOUR STREET TO INSTALL
YOUR LAND LINE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
182
00:19:10,884 --> 00:19:17,357
AND I CAN'T FIND YOUR HOUSE.
>> NO, NO, NO.
I DON'T NOW HOW THIS LAND LINE
183
00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:19,392
THING GOT STARTED BUT I DON'T
WANT ONE.
>> NO, NO, IT'S TOO LATE TO
184
00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:23,930
CHANGE YOUR MIND, MAN, IT'S TOO
LATE.
>> LIKE BASKETBALL?
185
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:28,168
OUR GAME DAY SPORTS UPGRADE GETS
YOU THE NBA NETWORK AND 85
SPANISH LANGUAGE SOCCER
186
00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:34,341
CHANNELS.
>> HELLO?
HI, MY NAME'S ADAM, I'M A
187
00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:39,579
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP, HOW ARE
YOU?
>> NOT GOOD.
188
00:19:39,579 --> 00:19:46,453
YOU KNOW, I'M VERY CLOSE TO
BEING TRIGGERED HERE.
>> VERY COOL.
189
00:19:46,453 --> 00:19:48,355
[ LAUGHTER ]
LET ME PULL UP YOUR ACCOUNT.
WHAT THE HECK?
190
00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:53,059
SORRY, MY COMPUTER'S BEING CRAZY
RIGHT NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
191
00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:57,464
LET ME GET YOU BACK TO SOMEONE
ELSE.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
192
00:19:57,464 --> 00:20:03,536
>> DOMINO'S?
THEY TRANSFERRED ME TO DOMINO'S?
>> WHO, SPECTRUM?
193
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:08,208
THEY DO THIS ALL THE TIME, I'LL
TRANSFER YOU TO A CANCELATIONS
REP.
194
00:20:08,208 --> 00:20:13,146
>> OH, GOD.
THANK YOU.
YOU'VE HONESTLY BEEN THE MOST
195
00:20:13,146 --> 00:20:16,349
COMPETENT PERSON I'VE TALKED TO
TODAY.
>> THAT'S CRAZY BECAUSE I'M HIGH
196
00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:17,884
AS HELL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WANT PREMIUM CHANNELS WITHOUT
197
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:23,089
PREMIUM PRICES?
NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
WE'D LOSE A TON OF MONEY.
198
00:20:23,089 --> 00:20:26,393
>> HI MR. HERMAN.
>> HI MR. HERMAN.
>> OH MY GOD, MARCIE, WE BOTH
199
00:20:26,393 --> 00:20:32,465
ANSWERED THE SAME CALL!
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> WE'RE SO CRAZY.
200
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:35,602
>> SORRY ABOUT THAT, I'LL HOP
OFF.
>> ME TOO.
201
00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:39,239
>> WAIT NO, DON'T BOTH HOP
OFF --
>> HOLD, PLEASE.
202
00:20:39,239 --> 00:20:43,410
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT YOUR
BILL?
203
00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:52,819
ASK YOUR HUSBAND TO EXPLAIN IT
TO YOU.
HI, MR. HERMAN.
204
00:20:52,819 --> 00:20:58,458
IT'S MATHEUS.
>> DUDE, I'M ABOUT TO LOSE IT,
GUESS WHAT?
205
00:20:58,458 --> 00:21:01,561
IT HAPPENED.
I AM TRIGGERED.
I AM TRIGGERED.
206
00:21:01,561 --> 00:21:04,164
THE NEXT PERSON YOU TRANSFER ME
TO BETTER HAVE THE POWER TO
CANCEL MY CABLE.
207
00:21:04,164 --> 00:21:09,903
>> ARE YOU SURE, SIR?
>> YES.
1,000%, YES.
208
00:21:09,903 --> 00:21:19,279
>> VERY WELL.
I'LL TRANSFER YOU NOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
209
00:21:19,279 --> 00:21:25,585
>> WHO IS THIS?
>> I AM SPECTRUM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
210
00:21:25,585 --> 00:21:35,095
THE SOURCE, THE NEXUS, THE
PROVIDER.
>> OKAY.
211
00:21:35,095 --> 00:21:44,137
CAN YOU CANCEL MY CABLE.
>> THERE IS NOTHING I CANNOT DO.
FOR I AM MADE OF PURE DATA!
212
00:21:44,137 --> 00:21:53,113
>> OKAY, GREAT.
THEN CANCEL MY CABLE.
>> CAN I INTEREST YOU IN SIX
213
00:21:53,113 --> 00:21:56,016
MONTHS OF
FREE DISNEY PLUS TO KEEP YOUR
SERVICE?
214
00:21:56,016 --> 00:21:58,118
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> NO, JUST CANCEL IT.
>> AS YOU WISH.
215
00:21:58,118 --> 00:22:01,187
ENJOY YOUR NEW SPECTRUM LAND
LINE!
>> I'M NOT GETTING A LAND LINE!
216
00:22:01,187 --> 00:22:05,859
>> YES, YOU ARE, MAN.
WHERE YOU WANT THE JACK AT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
217
00:22:05,859 --> 00:22:21,508
WHERE YOU WANT THE JACK AT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
218
00:22:34,688 --> 00:22:40,627
I'M IN.
>> AND WE'RE IN BUSINESS.
I'M GOING TO WORK ON GETTING
219
00:22:40,627 --> 00:22:45,632
THOSE SECURITY DOORS OPEN FOR
YOU.
SHOULDN'T BE LONG NOW, BOSS.
220
00:22:45,632 --> 00:22:52,405
>> FANTASTIC.
I'LL LET THE CLIENT KNOW.
THEY'RE IN.
221
00:22:52,405 --> 00:22:57,610
>> IMPRESSIVE, MR. KNIGHT.
BUT MY BOSS DOESN'T PAY YOU TO
GET INSIDE UNDERGROUND GARAGE.
222
00:22:57,610 --> 00:23:00,246
HE PAY YOU TO STEAL
BILLIONAIRE'S VINTAGE
LAMBORGHINI.
223
00:23:00,246 --> 00:23:04,951
IS THERE, YES?
>> GHOST, YOU GOT EYES ON THE
PRIZE?
224
00:23:04,951 --> 00:23:16,930
>> OH, YEAH.
SHE'S ONE BAD BITCH.
>> OKAY, GHOST.
225
00:23:16,930 --> 00:23:23,336
YOU GOT TWO MINUTES TO GET OUT
THERE.
YOU'RE WELCOME, BY THE WAY.
226
00:23:23,336 --> 00:23:25,772
>> TWO MINUTES?
I'M GOING TO COUNT MY MONEY IN
ONE.
227
00:23:25,772 --> 00:23:32,545
LET'S DO THIS.
>> HA HA HA!
>> EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT, GHOST?
228
00:23:32,545 --> 00:23:37,217
>> YEAH, YEAH.
JUST, YOU KNOW -- A CAR LIKE
THIS IS LIKE A BEAUTIFUL LADY.
229
00:23:37,217 --> 00:23:44,090
JUST GOT TO KNOW HOW TO HANDLE
HER.
WHAT THE HELL?
230
00:23:44,090 --> 00:23:48,728
>> OH, YEAH, BOSS.
I THINK WE GOT A PROBLEM.
>> WHAT'S GOING ON, GHOST?
231
00:23:48,728 --> 00:23:52,966
>> THIS CAR GOT AN ADVANCE
DRIVER SYSTEM I'VE NEVER SEEN
BEFORE.
232
00:23:52,966 --> 00:23:56,102
I'M LOOKING AT
THREE PEDALS, A SHIFTER THAT
GOES UP, DOWN, AND SIDE WAYS.
233
00:23:56,102 --> 00:24:00,273
THIS MUST BE SOME NEW TECH, I'M
THINKING.
MILITARY, MAYBE?
234
00:24:00,273 --> 00:24:05,478
>> SOUNDS LIKE IT'S A STICK
SHIFT?
>> STICK WHAT?
235
00:24:05,478 --> 00:24:10,684
>> A STICK SHIFT.
GHOST, YOU CAN DRIVE STICK,
RIGHT?
236
00:24:10,684 --> 00:24:18,491
>> BITCH, I CAN DRIVE ANYTHING.
>> INCLUDING STICK?
>> NAH.
237
00:24:18,491 --> 00:24:20,593
>> GHOST, I'LL WALK YOU THROUGH
THIS.
ANYTHING YOU DON'T GET, YOU SAY
238
00:24:20,593 --> 00:24:22,662
STOP.
>> COOL.
>> TURN THE CAR ON AND PRESS THE
239
00:24:22,662 --> 00:24:27,367
CLUTCH.
>> STOP.
YOU SAID CLUCK?
240
00:24:27,367 --> 00:24:33,106
>> HA HA HA!
THE BOY SAID CLUCK!
>> SHUT UP, OLD MAN.
241
00:24:33,106 --> 00:24:38,545
>> PUT THE CAR IN GEAR.
>> STOP.
>> WE DON'T HAVE TIME.
242
00:24:38,545 --> 00:24:40,613
STOP, PUT IT IN GEAR, PRESS THE
GAS WITH YOUR RIGHT FOOT.
>> STOP, YOU WANT ME TO DRIVE
243
00:24:40,613 --> 00:24:45,652
WITH TWO FEET?
WHO DO YOU THINK I AM, FRED
FLINTSTEIN?
244
00:24:45,652 --> 00:24:48,855
>> FLINTSTEIN?
>> DID I STITTER?
FREDERICK FLINTSTEIN.
245
00:24:48,855 --> 00:24:52,959
>> 60 SECONDS.
>> ENOUGH.
MR. GHOST, THIS IS NATALIA.
246
00:24:52,959 --> 00:24:58,598
I HELP, SO LISTEN, YES?
>> YES, MA'AM.
>> LEFT FOOT CLUTCH, RIGHT FOOT
247
00:24:58,598 --> 00:25:00,700
GAS.
>> DOWN, BABY GIRL.
>> TAKE FOOT OFF CLUTCH AND GIVE
248
00:25:00,700 --> 00:25:06,740
GAS.
>> COPY.
>> AND GIVE GAS.
249
00:25:06,740 --> 00:25:08,575
>> IMPOSSIBLE.
>> THEN DRIVE.
IS CLEAR?
250
00:25:08,575 --> 00:25:16,950
>> NAH, BUT LET'S DO THIS.
>> WE'LL HAVE TO GO A LOT FASTER
THAN THAT, GHOST.
251
00:25:16,950 --> 00:25:23,189
>> GOOD THING THIS BABY HAS
NITROUS BOOSTERS.
>> THAT'S THE TRUNK!
252
00:25:23,189 --> 00:25:27,560
>> GET OUT OF THERE RIGHT NOW,
GHOST, OR YOU'RE DEAD, MAN.
>> DON'T YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T KILL
253
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:37,437
A GHOST.
>> HE AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT.
HEY, BUMPS, WE GOT A PROBLEM.
254
00:25:37,437 --> 00:25:48,214
[ APPLAUSE ]
>>> SHE'S AN ICONIC SING
CUSTOMER SHE'S ALWAYS GOT A
255
00:25:48,214 --> 00:25:53,620
SINGER.
IT'S THE DIONNE WARWICK
TALK SHOW!
256
00:25:53,620 --> 00:25:55,321
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HELLO, HELLO.
AND WELCOME TO THE DIONNE
257
00:25:55,321 --> 00:25:58,324
WARWICK TALK SHOW.
A SHOW WHERE I HOST AND OTHER
PEOPLE COME HERE.
258
00:25:58,324 --> 00:26:05,098
THEN THEY LEAVE AND SO DO I.
THANKS AS ALWAYS TO MY PRODUCER
AND MY NIECE, BRITTNEY.
259
00:26:05,098 --> 00:26:10,837
>> LOVE YOU, AUNT DIONNE.
>> ALL RIGHT.
AND NOW THE WEATHER REPORT.
260
00:26:10,837 --> 00:26:15,909
* RAINDROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY
HEAD *
* BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN MY EYES
261
00:26:15,909 --> 00:26:21,147
WILL SOON BE TURNING RED *
ALL RIGHT, YES, THANK YOU!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
262
00:26:21,147 --> 00:26:30,590
PLEASE WELCOME OUR FIRST GUEST,
MILEY CYRUS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
263
00:26:30,590 --> 00:26:35,261
>> OH, HEY.
IT'S AWESOME TO BE HERE.
>> YEAH, OKAY.
264
00:26:35,261 --> 00:26:46,639
YEAH.
YOU RECENTLY DID A DUET WITH
ELTON JOHN.
265
00:26:46,639 --> 00:26:48,508
SO DID DUA LIPA AND A LOT OF
OTHER PEOPLE.
MY QUESTION IS, DOES HE NOT HAVE
266
00:26:48,508 --> 00:26:50,076
MY NUMBER?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OH, MA'AM -- I'M NOT REALLY
267
00:26:50,076 --> 00:26:52,545
SURE, MA'AM.
BUT I JUST WANT TO SAY, I AM
SUCH A HUGE FAN OF YOURS.
268
00:26:52,545 --> 00:26:57,150
>> OH, THANK YOU, SO AM I.
[ LAUGHTER ]
TELL ME, MILEY, DOJA CAT.
269
00:26:57,150 --> 00:27:03,390
IS THAT A SINGER OR A POKEMON?
>> YEAH, SHE'S A SINGER.
>> ALL RIGHT.
270
00:27:03,390 --> 00:27:05,692
CARDI B, WHY DOES SHE NEED THE
B?
WAS THERE ANOTHER CARDI IN THE
271
00:27:05,692 --> 00:27:08,061
CLASS?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU KNOW, THESE AREN'T REALLY
272
00:27:08,061 --> 00:27:17,303
ABOUT ME.
>> YOU KNOW, KANYE CHANGED HIS
NAME TO YEAH.
273
00:27:17,303 --> 00:27:24,411
IS THE SOUND PEOPLE MAKE WHEN HE
LEAVES THE ROOM.
>> ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME IN
274
00:27:24,411 --> 00:27:26,846
TROUBLE?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW, I UNDERSTAND THAT
275
00:27:26,846 --> 00:27:28,815
HANNAH MONTANA IS YOUR NEMESIS.
MY NEMESIS IS WENDY WILLIAMS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
276
00:27:28,815 --> 00:27:34,554
LET'S MAKE A PACT TO KICK THEIR
ASSES.
>> YOU KNOW, HANNAH MONTANA
277
00:27:34,554 --> 00:27:39,259
ISN'T REAL.
>> ALL RIGHT, WELL NEITHER IS
WENDY WILLIAMS.
278
00:27:39,259 --> 00:27:46,366
[ LAUGHTER ]
ALL RIGHT, MILEY CIRCUS, I'M
DONE TALKING TO YOU.
279
00:27:46,366 --> 00:27:48,968
GO ON.
BYE.
BYE NOW.
280
00:27:48,968 --> 00:27:50,737
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
ALL RIGHT.
NOW FOR OUR IMPORTANT PUBLIC
281
00:27:50,737 --> 00:27:55,942
HEALTH SEGMENT, WE HAVE A DOCTOR
HERE TO GIVE ME MY CORONAVIRUS
BOOSTER LIVE ON AIR.
282
00:27:55,942 --> 00:28:08,822
PLEASE WELCOME DR. NATHAN ULA.
** KEEP SHINING
* KEEP SMILING *
283
00:28:08,822 --> 00:28:13,026
HI, MS. WARWICK!
* KNOWING YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT
ON ME *
284
00:28:13,026 --> 00:28:16,830
LET'S GET THAT SLEEVE UP *
THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR *
>> ALL RIGHT, I DIDN'T FEEL A
285
00:28:16,830 --> 00:28:21,868
THING!
[ LAUGHTER ]
NOW FOR OUR NEXT GUEST.
286
00:28:21,868 --> 00:28:27,574
THIS MAN IS NOT FAMOUS ANYMORE.
HE DOES NOT HAVE ANY SONGS OUT.
PLEASE WELCOME JASON MRAZ.
287
00:28:27,574 --> 00:28:37,517
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> KIND OF A ROUGH INTRO, BUT
YEAH, I'M PSYCHED TO BE HERE.
288
00:28:37,517 --> 00:28:48,895
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> YOU'RE HERE BECAUSE WE RAN
INTO EACH OTHER, CORRECT.
289
00:28:48,895 --> 00:28:50,597
>> CORRECT.
MY QUESTION IS, RIHANNA.
WHEN'S SHE GOING TO DROP THE
290
00:28:50,597 --> 00:28:51,965
ALBUM?
SHE TOO BEZ MAKING PANTIES OR
SOMETHING?
291
00:28:51,965 --> 00:28:57,904
>> I'M NOT SURE HOW TO ANSWER
THAT.
CAN YOU ASK A QUESTION ABOUT ME?
292
00:28:57,904 --> 00:29:04,544
>> OKAY, FINE.
WHAT'S WITH THE HAT?
IS IT CULTURAL OR JUST A BIG OLD
293
00:29:04,544 --> 00:29:07,113
SWING.
>> IT'S ACTUALLY WARMER.
>> ALL RIGHT.
294
00:29:07,113 --> 00:29:15,555
I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED.
YOU CAN GO NOW.
>> ALL RIGHT.
295
00:29:15,555 --> 00:29:22,429
>> LET'S BRING OUT OUR NEXT
GUEST, ED SHEERAN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
296
00:29:22,429 --> 00:29:24,831
>> HI, MISS WARWICK.
I'M REALLY GLAD TO BE HERE.
>> OF COURSE YOU ARE.
297
00:29:24,831 --> 00:29:28,468
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU DID A SONG CALLED "SOUTH OF
THE BORDER.”
298
00:29:28,468 --> 00:29:39,446
MY QUESTION IS, ARE YOU NASTY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> YEAH, A LITTLE BIT.
299
00:29:39,446 --> 00:29:42,615
>> OKAY.
OKAY.
I THINK YOU ARE A LITTLE NASTY
300
00:29:42,615 --> 00:29:45,285
WITH THAT.
OKAY.
I THINK THAT'S HEALTHY.
301
00:29:45,285 --> 00:29:48,421
ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE WRITING A SONG
FOR THE NEXT SEASON OF "TED
LASSO.”
302
00:29:48,421 --> 00:29:51,057
WHAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW IS, WHAT
IS APPLE TV AND HOW DO YOU GET
ON IT A DELL COMPUTER?
303
00:29:51,057 --> 00:29:54,661
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> IS THAT THE BEST QUESTION FOR
ME TO ANSWER?
304
00:29:54,661 --> 00:29:59,866
>> I DON'T KNOW, SHOOT.
ALL RIGHT.
DID YOU KNOW ED SHEERAN
305
00:29:59,866 --> 00:30:04,637
BACKWARDS IS DIONNE WARWICK?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> I DON'T THINK IT IS.
306
00:30:04,637 --> 00:30:08,341
>> YEAH, OKAY.
WHY DON'T YOU GO LOOK IT UP NOW,
ALL RIGHT?
307
00:30:08,341 --> 00:30:19,953
BYE.
>> NEXT UP, I'VE LEARNED MY
LESSON THAT MACHINE GUN KELLY IS
308
00:30:19,953 --> 00:30:26,626
TOO SCARY FOR ME, SO I INVITED A
DIFFERENT MAN THAT I FEEL MORE
COMFORTABLE WITH.
309
00:30:26,626 --> 00:30:33,900
PLEASE WELCOME POST MALONE.
>> HI.
>> GET HIM OUT.
310
00:30:33,900 --> 00:30:38,171
YOU GOT TO GO.
OH, MY GOSH.
MUCH BETTER.
311
00:30:38,171 --> 00:30:45,512
MUCH BETTER.
BRITTNEY, PUT THAT MAN IN THE
CAB BACK TO SPOOKY TOWN USA.
312
00:30:45,512 --> 00:30:50,784
>> YEAH, I'M ON IT.
>> I'M SICK AND TIRED OF
INTERVIEWING PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT
313
00:30:50,784 --> 00:30:58,558
ICONS.
PLEASE WELCOME ME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
314
00:30:58,558 --> 00:31:09,502
>> WELL, HELLO.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
315
00:31:09,502 --> 00:31:13,773
I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE WITH
YOU.
>> ALL RIGHT.
316
00:31:13,773 --> 00:31:15,942
WELL, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.
DIONNE, WHY ARE YOU PERFECT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
317
00:31:15,942 --> 00:31:21,147
>> DARLING, I'M NOT PERFECT, I'M
JUST VERY, VERY GOOD.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
318
00:31:21,147 --> 00:31:24,818
>> ALL RIGHT.
YOU KNOW, TODAY I HEARD A SONG
BY AN ARTIST CALLED YOUNG BOY
319
00:31:24,818 --> 00:31:35,762
NEVER BROKE AGAIN.
WHY AREN'T PEOPLE JUST CALLED
BURNT BACK IRAQ ANYMORE?
320
00:31:35,762 --> 00:31:38,365
>> YOU KNOW, THAT IS AN
EXCELLENT QUESTION.
AND I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER, BUT
321
00:31:38,365 --> 00:31:49,442
I WILL KEEP TWEETING TILL I FIND
OUT WITH A TWEET, TWEET, TWEET.
>> OKAY.
322
00:31:49,442 --> 00:31:52,612
DIONNE, WOULD YOU LIKE TO SING A
SONG FOR THE PEOPLE?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
323
00:31:52,612 --> 00:31:57,817
WHY DON'T YOU GO AHEAD AND GRAB
YOUR MIC.
* WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW IS
324
00:31:57,817 --> 00:32:09,295
LOVE SWEET LOVE *
* IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT
THERE'S JUST TOO LITTLE OF *
325
00:32:09,295 --> 00:32:13,433
>> DAMN, WE LOOK GOOD!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
* WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS NOW IS
326
00:32:13,433 --> 00:32:23,877
LOVE SWEET LOVE *
* IT'S THE ONLY THING *
>>> NEXT WEEK, JONATHAN MAJORS
327
00:32:23,877 --> 00:32:27,647
* IT'S THE ONLY THING *
>>> NEXT WEEK, JONATHAN MAJORS
WITH MUSICAL GUEST TAYLOR SWIFT!
328
00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:45,525
INTO THE BATHROOM.
YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M
TELLING YOU EITHER.
329
00:33:45,525 --> 00:33:47,227
OKAY, BYE.
>> OH-OH, THERE HE IS.
>> HEY, WE'VE GOT TO STOP
330
00:33:47,227 --> 00:33:50,230
MEETING LIKE THIS.
>> I'LL SAY, THIRD TIME THIS
WEEK.
331
00:33:50,230 --> 00:34:00,073
WHAT IS THIS, YOUR NEW OFFICE?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS SAY.
BOSS MAN DOES WHAT THE BOSS MAN
332
00:34:00,073 --> 00:34:08,114
DOES.
I'VE NEVER SAID THAT IN MY LIFE.
WHY AM I SAYING THAT?
333
00:34:08,114 --> 00:34:10,417
I'M NOT THE BOSS.
SO WHY DID HE LAUGH?
WHY DID I LAUGH?
334
00:34:10,417 --> 00:34:17,357
WHY ARE THERE NOT STALLS IN THE
MEN'S ROOM?
EVERYONE JUST PANICS AND BLURTS
335
00:34:17,357 --> 00:34:19,225
SOMETHING OUT.
>> WOW, I'M EMPTY!
HA HA.
336
00:34:19,225 --> 00:34:23,430
SEE YOU LATER, MY GUY.
>> KEEP ON TRUCKING, MY DUDE,
HONK HONK!
337
00:34:23,430 --> 00:34:27,967
>> OH, IT'S A PARTY IN HERE.
>> HEY, FRANKIE IN THE BUILDING.
WHAT'S UP?
338
00:34:27,967 --> 00:34:30,437
>> YEAH, BABY.
GOT FUN PLANS THIS WEEKEND?
A COUPLE OF DAYS AWAY FROM YOU?
339
00:34:30,437 --> 00:34:36,443
I'LL TAKE IT.
>> OH!
>> THAT WAS MEAN AS HECK.
340
00:34:36,443 --> 00:34:43,116
I REALLY LIKE THAT GUY.
AND WHY AM I TALKING SO LOUD?
IN THE MEN'S ROOM, MY VOICE GETS
341
00:34:43,116 --> 00:34:47,954
WEIRD AND I SHOUT THINGS LIKE,
FOOTBALL IS CRAZY!
>> MY HEART IS POUNDING.
342
00:34:47,954 --> 00:34:54,327
WHY DID I CHOOSE THE URINAL
RIGHT NEXT TO HIM?
OUR ARM SKIN IS TOUCHING.
343
00:34:54,327 --> 00:34:58,365
>> HA HA!
>> HA HA!
>> HEY, SEE YOU ON THE ICE!
344
00:34:58,365 --> 00:35:11,311
>> OKAY, YOU TOO.
>> SEE YOU ON THE ICE?
WE WORK AT A PENSION FUND.
345
00:35:11,311 --> 00:35:13,179
IS THAT EVEN AN EXPRESSION?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM IN
HERE.
346
00:35:13,179 --> 00:35:15,415
>> I'VE BEEN STAND HERE FOR SO
LONG.
NONE OF THE AUTOMATIC SINKS
347
00:35:15,415 --> 00:35:21,521
WORK.
MY HANDS ARE COVERED IN SOAP!
>> I'M STANDING AT A URINAL, I
348
00:35:21,521 --> 00:35:30,630
ONLY CAME IN TO AVOID WORKING.
I CAN'T LEAVE UNTIL THEY HEAR ME
PEE.
349
00:35:30,630 --> 00:35:33,500
I GUESS
I'LL SQUIRT HAND SANITIZER IN TO
FAKE IT.
350
00:35:33,500 --> 00:35:40,807
>> SOUNDS LIKE YOUR STREAM IS
COMING ALONG REALLY WELL.
WHY AM I COMMENTING ON HIS PEE?
351
00:35:40,807 --> 00:35:52,919
CALLING IT A STREAM?
>> HEY!
WHAT'S UP MY DUDES?
352
00:35:52,919 --> 00:35:57,424
WELL, ANYONE GOT BIG PLANS FOR
THE SUMMERTIME?
>> OH -- NOT YET.
353
00:35:57,424 --> 00:36:00,093
>> WHY WOULD THEY?
IT'S NOVEMBER.
WE'RE MONTHS AWAY FROM THE
354
00:36:00,093 --> 00:36:06,933
SUMMERTIME.
HEY, NEW GUY!
DO ANYTHING FUN LAST WEEKEND?
355
00:36:06,933 --> 00:36:09,169
>> SORRY, ME?
>> OH, YEAH.
>> SORRY, WHAT DID YOU SAY?
356
00:36:09,169 --> 00:36:14,908
>> I ASKED IF YOU DID ANYTHING
FUN THIS WEEKEND.
>> OH -- I'M TAKING WAY TOO LONG
357
00:36:14,908 --> 00:36:19,579
TO ANSWER.
MAYBE I'LL PRETEND I DIDN'T
HEAR.
358
00:36:19,579 --> 00:36:25,385
SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR ANYTHING
TODAY.
SO YEAH.
359
00:36:25,385 --> 00:36:27,087
>> WHAT'S THAT?
>> NOTHING, SORRY.
ANYWAY, ARE THESE SINKS WORKING
360
00:36:27,087 --> 00:36:29,222
FOR YOU?
>> NO, BUT FOOTBALL IS CRAZY!
>> YEAH.
361
00:36:29,222 --> 00:36:36,730
>> SO CRAZY.
>> CRAZY.
>> OH-OH, Y'ALL HAVING A LITTLE
362
00:36:36,730 --> 00:36:39,366
SLUMBER PARTY IN HERE?
>> HA HA!
>> I'M JUST YANKING YOUR CHAINS.
363
00:36:39,366 --> 00:36:47,474
HEY, YOU GUYS SEE THAT NEW
RECEPTIONIST?
SHE'S GOT LEGS FOR DAYS.
364
00:36:47,474 --> 00:36:53,213
I KILLED A MAN IN 2012.
I DIDN'T EVEN DO A GOOD JOB
HIDING THE BODY.
365
00:36:53,213 --> 00:36:58,952
BUT I STILL GOT AWAY WITH IT.
ALTHOUGH I'M A FREE MAN, THE
GUILT I CARRY IS WORSE THAN ANY
366
00:36:58,952 --> 00:37:07,293
CELL.
BUT IN HERE, I FORGET WHO I AM
AND WHAT I'VE DONE.
367
00:37:07,293 --> 00:37:30,450
I LOVE THE MEN'S ROOM.
DON'T YOU GUYS LOVE IT IN HERE?
>> OH, YEAH.
368
00:37:30,450 --> 00:37:38,425
>> I DROPPED A BOMB.
AND THIS DUDE KILLED MY BROTHER!
>> OH, YEAH.
369
00:37:38,425 --> 00:37:46,533
AND THIS DUDE KILLED MY BROTHER!
>> OH, YEAH.
WHAT CAN I SAY?
370
00:37:50,837 --> 00:37:54,074
>> RIDE A HORSE?
AFRAID NOT, SON, THIS MAN'S LEG
IS BROKEN IN SIX PLACES.
371
00:37:54,074 --> 00:37:59,079
>> WONDERFUL.
WHERE AM I GOING TO FIND ANOTHER
JOCKEY TEN MINUTES BEFORE THE
372
00:37:59,079 --> 00:38:07,053
KENTUCKY DERBY?
>> I THINK I MIGHT KNOW SOMEONE,
SIR.
373
00:38:07,053 --> 00:38:22,268
>> WHO?
>> SOMEONE GREAT.
>> WHERE IS HE?
374
00:38:22,268 --> 00:38:35,315
>> BELIEVE ME, SIR, YOU'LL KNOW
HIM WHEN YOU SEE HIM.
>> YAH, YAH!
375
00:38:35,315 --> 00:38:45,725
>> WHAT THE HECK?
**
>> YEP, THAT'S ME.
376
00:38:45,725 --> 00:38:48,061
RIDING A HORSE LIKE A
SKATEBOARD.
YOU'RE PROBABLY WONDERING HOW I
377
00:38:48,061 --> 00:38:51,464
WOUND UP HERE.
WELL, IT'S KIND OF A CRAZY
STORY.
378
00:38:51,464 --> 00:38:56,670
AND IT GOES A LITTLE SOMETHING
LIKE THIS.
* SO THERE I WAS DOING SKATE
379
00:38:56,670 --> 00:39:03,009
TRICKS AT THE PARK *
* THEN I JUMPED WITH TOO MUCH
FORCE AND I LANDED ON A HORSE *
380
00:39:03,009 --> 00:39:09,215
>> GREAT SCOTT!
* IF I LEAN RIGHT OR LEFT HE'D
FOLLOW MY EVERY MOVE *
381
00:39:09,215 --> 00:39:17,023
* AND IF I WANTED HIM TO GO
FASTER I JUST GIVE HIM A BAG OF
CHIPS *
382
00:39:17,023 --> 00:39:25,365
* WE WERE RUNNING REALLY HARD IN
MY NEIGHBOR'S BACKYARD *
>> NOT MY AZALEAS!
383
00:39:25,365 --> 00:39:32,138
* HE CAN DO AN OLLIE AND A BACK
SIDE 182 *
* AND IF I ASK HIM NICELY HE'D
384
00:39:32,138 --> 00:39:37,344
DO A KICK FLIP *
>> THIS GUY IS CRAZY!
* THEN WE WENT TO A TRACK AND WE
385
00:39:37,344 --> 00:39:47,253
WON OUR VERY FIRST RACE *
* BUT AFTERWARDS HE DIDN'T STOP
SO WE TOURED THE UNITED STATES *
386
00:39:47,253 --> 00:39:58,732
* I HOLD ON TO HIS TAIL WHEN WE
GRIND ON A RAIL *
**
387
00:39:58,732 --> 00:40:07,073
* THIS IS OUR LAST RACE CAN'T
BELIEVE THAT THIS IS THE END *
* NEXT WEEK I HAVE TO GO TO
388
00:40:07,073 --> 00:40:13,847
COLLEGE AND THEY SAY I CAN'T
BRING MY FRIEND *
* IT'S GONNA BE LONELY, I DON'T
389
00:40:13,847 --> 00:40:23,757
KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO *
* I HOPE THAT WHEN I'M GONE THEY
DON'T TURN HIM INTO GLUE *
390
00:40:23,757 --> 00:40:35,468
>> WHOA!
>> HEY, I THINK I'M OKAY --
>> YEP, THAT PRETTY MUCH SUMS IT
391
00:40:35,468 --> 00:40:38,371
UP.
THAT'S HOW I WON THE KENTUCKY
DERBY.
392
00:40:38,371 --> 00:40:42,742
WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT?
THEY EVEN MADE A VIDEO GAME
ABOUT MY LIFE, TOBY BIRD PRO
393
00:40:42,742 --> 00:40:46,179
JOCKEY.
NOT BAD FOR A GUY THAT DIED
LATER THAT DAY.
394
00:40:46,179 --> 00:40:53,453
NOT BAD FOR A GUY THAT DIED
LATER THAT DAY.
NOT BAD AT ALL.
395
00:42:10,397 --> 00:42:12,098
>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ED SHEERAN!
396
00:42:12,098 --> 00:42:21,975
**
**
* I TOOK AN ARROW
397
00:42:21,975 --> 00:42:27,213
TO THE HEART
I NEVER KISSED A MOUTH
THAT TASTES LIKE YOURS *
398
00:42:27,213 --> 00:42:35,088
* STRAWBERRIES AND
SOMETHIN' MORE
OOH YEAH I WANT IT ALL
399
00:42:35,088 --> 00:42:41,795
LIPSTICK ON MY GUITAR OOH *
* FILL UP THE ENGINE
WE CAN DRIVE REAL FAR
400
00:42:41,795 --> 00:42:48,101
GO DANCIN' UNDERNEATH
THE STARS *
* OOH YEAH I WANT IT ALL
401
00:42:48,101 --> 00:42:53,239
MM YOU GOT ME SINING LIKE
I WANNA BE THAT GUY
I WANNA KISS YOUR EYES *
402
00:42:53,239 --> 00:43:00,046
* I WANNA DRINK THAT SMILE
I WANNA FEEL LIKE
I'M LIKE MY SOUL'S ON FIRE
403
00:43:00,046 --> 00:43:03,183
I WANNA STAY UP ALL * * DAY AND
ALL NIGHT
YEAH YOU GOT ME SINGIN'
404
00:43:03,183 --> 00:43:07,854
LIKE OOH I LOVE IT
WHEN YOU DO IT LIKE THAT *
* AND WHEN YOU'RE CLOSE UP
405
00:43:07,854 --> 00:43:13,093
GIVE ME THE SHIVERS
OH BABY YOU WANNA DANCE
'TIL THE SUNLIGHT CRACKS *
406
00:43:13,093 --> 00:43:15,662
* AND WHEN THEY SAY
THE PARTY'S OVER
THEN WE'LL BRING
407
00:43:15,662 --> 00:43:18,798
IT RIGHT BACK *
* AND WE'LL SAY OOH
I LOVE IT WHEN YOU
408
00:43:18,798 --> 00:43:24,070
DO IT LIKE THAT
AND WHEN YOU'RE CLOSE UP *
* GIVE ME THE SHIVERS
409
00:43:24,070 --> 00:43:27,207
OH BABY YOU WANNA DANCE
'TIL THE SUNLIGHT CRACKS
AND WHEN THEY SAY *
410
00:43:27,207 --> 00:43:29,743
* THE PARTY'S OVER
THEN WE'LL BRING
IT RIGHT BACK
411
00:43:29,743 --> 00:43:36,082
INTO THE CAR *
* ON THE BACKSEAT IN
THE MOONLIT DARK
412
00:43:36,082 --> 00:43:42,789
WRAP ME UP BETWEEN
YOUR LEGS AND ARMS *
* OOH I CAN'T GET ENOUGH
413
00:43:42,789 --> 00:43:47,494
YOU KNOW YOU COULD
TEAR ME APART OOH
PUT ME BACK TOGETHER *
414
00:43:47,494 --> 00:43:53,233
* AND TAKE MY HEART
I NEVER THOUGHT THAT
I COULD LOVE THIS HARD
415
00:43:53,233 --> 00:43:59,472
OOH I CAN'T GET ENOUGH *
* MM YOU GOT ME FEELING LIKE
I WANNA BE THAT GUY
416
00:43:59,472 --> 00:44:04,678
I WANNA KISS YOUR EYES
I WANNA DRINK THAT SMILE *
* I WANNA FEEL LIKE I'M
417
00:44:04,678 --> 00:44:09,916
LIKE MY SOUL'S ON FIRE
I WANNA STAY UP ALL
DAY AND ALL NIGHT *
418
00:44:09,916 --> 00:44:14,087
* YEAH YOU GOT ME SINGIN'
LIKE OOH I LOVE IT WHEN
YOU DO IT LIKE THAT
419
00:44:14,087 --> 00:44:19,826
AND WHEN YOU'RE CLOSE UP *
* GIVE ME THE SHIVERS
OH BABY YOU WANNA DANCE
420
00:44:19,826 --> 00:44:23,063
'TIL THE SUNLIGHT CRACKS
AND WHEN THEY SAY *
* THE PARTY'S OVER
421
00:44:23,063 --> 00:44:25,598
THEN WE'LL BRING
IT RIGHT BACK
AND WE'LL SAY OOH *
422
00:44:25,598 --> 00:44:29,202
* I LOVE IT WHEN YOU
DO IT LIKE THAT
AND WHEN YOU'RE CLOSE UP
423
00:44:29,202 --> 00:44:34,407
GIVE ME THE SHIVERS *
* OH BABY YOU WANNA DANCE
'TIL THE SUNLIGHT CRACKS
424
00:44:34,407 --> 00:44:37,077
AND WHEN THEY SAY
THE PARTY'S OVER *
* THEN WE'LL BRING
425
00:44:37,077 --> 00:44:42,749
IT RIGHT BACK
BABY YOU BURN SO HOT
YOU MAKE ME SHIVER *
426
00:44:42,749 --> 00:44:46,920
* WITH THE FIRE YOU GOT
THIS THING WE STARTED
I DON'T WANT IT TO STOP
427
00:44:46,920 --> 00:44:54,194
YOU KNOW YOU *
* MAKE ME SHIVER-ER-ER
BABY YOU BURN SO HOT
428
00:44:54,194 --> 00:44:59,933
YOU MAKE ME SHIVER WITH
THE FIRE YOU GOT *
* THIS THING WE STARTED
429
00:44:59,933 --> 00:45:06,206
I DON'T WANT IT TO STOP
YOU KNOW YOU MAKE ME SHIVER
YEAH YOU GOT ME *
430
00:45:06,206 --> 00:45:08,842
* SINGIN' LIKE OOH
I LOVE IT WHEN YOU
DO IT LIKE THAT
431
00:45:08,842 --> 00:45:13,513
AND WHEN YOU'RE CLOSE UP *
* GIVE ME THE SHIVERS
OH BABY YOU WANNA DANCE
432
00:45:13,513 --> 00:45:17,117
'TIL THE SUNLIGHT CRACKS
AND WHEN THEY SAY *
* THE PARTY'S OVER
433
00:45:17,117 --> 00:45:19,753
THEN WE'LL BRING IT
RIGHT BACK
AND WE'LL SAY OOH *
434
00:45:19,753 --> 00:45:23,923
* I LOVE IT WHEN YOU
DO IT LIKE THAT
AND WHEN YOU'RE CLOSE UP
435
00:45:23,923 --> 00:45:28,628
GIVE ME THE SHIVERS *
* OH BABY YOU WANNA DANCE
'TIL THE SUNLIGHT CRACKS
436
00:45:28,628 --> 00:45:31,231
AND WHEN THEY SAY
THE DAY PARTY'S OVER *
* THEN WE'LL BRING IT
437
00:45:31,231 --> 00:45:48,915
THE DAY PARTY'S OVER *
* THEN WE'LL BRING IT
RIGHT BACK HEY *
438
00:45:59,793 --> 00:46:10,770
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
GOOD EVENING.
439
00:46:10,770 --> 00:46:12,572
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE,"
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
440
00:46:12,572 --> 00:46:26,619
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT LIKE IT'S
BEEN FOREVER, INFRASTRUCTURE.
441
00:46:26,619 --> 00:46:34,060
IT SHOULD BE ENOUGH TO CLEAN AS
MANY AS TWO LA GUARD YEAH
BATHROOMS.
442
00:46:34,060 --> 00:46:36,229
INFRASTRUCTURE BILL WILL EXPAND
INTERNET ACCESS ACROSS THE U.S.,
WHICH IS GREAT USE BECAUSE WHEN
443
00:46:36,229 --> 00:46:40,433
HAS MORE INTERNET EVER BEEN BAD
FOR AMERICA?
>>> DEMOCRAT TERRY McAULIFFE
444
00:46:40,433 --> 00:46:44,604
LOST TO REPUBLICAN
GLENN YOUNGKIN IN THE VIRGINIA
GOVERNOR'S RACE.
445
00:46:44,604 --> 00:46:52,412
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, LOSERS FROM
VIRGINIA GET A STATUE.
POLITICAL EXPERTS SAY THAT THE
446
00:46:52,412 --> 00:46:57,117
REPUBLICAN VICTORY IN VIRGINIA'S
GOVERNOR'S RACE WAS FUELED BY
SUPPORT FROM WHITE WOMEN WHO
447
00:46:57,117 --> 00:47:04,924
DIDN'T GO TO COLLEGE, WHICH JUST
SO HAPPENS TO BE THE EXACT GROUP
I TARGET ON TINDER.
448
00:47:04,924 --> 00:47:10,663
>>> IN THE WAKE OF REPUBLICAN
SUCCESS IN THIS WEEK'S
ELECTIONS, HOUSE MINORITY LEADER
449
00:47:10,663 --> 00:47:14,834
KEVIN McCARTHY ANNOUNCED
REPUBLICANS WOULD INTRODUCE A
PARENTS BILL OF RIGHTS WHICH I'M
450
00:47:14,834 --> 00:47:26,312
PRETTY SURE IS JUST A SIGN YOU
CAN BUY AT HOME GOODS.
>>> PFIZER ANNOUNCED THAT IT HAS
451
00:47:26,312 --> 00:47:29,949
DEVELOPED AN ANTIVIRAL PILL THAT
CAN REDUCE HOSPITALIZATION AMONG
COVID PATIENTS BY NEARLY 90%,
452
00:47:29,949 --> 00:47:50,170
AND EVEN BETTER, IT WILL MAKE
YOU HARDER THAN TRIGONOMETRY.
>> DURR IS ALSO THE NEW JERSEY
453
00:47:50,170 --> 00:47:58,978
STATE MOTTO.
WITH HIS VICTORY, ERIC ADAMS
WILL BECOME NEW YORK'S SECOND
454
00:47:58,978 --> 00:48:08,655
BLACK MAYOR.
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE NEW
YORK MAYOR WHO BLACKED OUT.
455
00:48:08,655 --> 00:48:21,601
WILL NOW RETURN TO HIS PREVIOUS
JOB AS "EMILY IN PARIS" LAWYER.
>>> REPUBLICAN WINSOME SEARS,
456
00:48:21,601 --> 00:48:23,770
SEEN HERE ATTEMPTING SUICIDE BY
COP, WAS ELECTED AS VIRGINIA'S
FIRST BLACK FEMALE LIEUTENANT
457
00:48:23,770 --> 00:48:26,272
GOVERNOR.
BUT THIS IS ACTUALLY A WIN FOR
DEMOCRATS BECAUSE NOTHING WILL
458
00:48:26,272 --> 00:48:32,045
GET REPUBLICANS TO SUPPORT GUN
CONTROL FASTER THAN THIS
PICTURE.
459
00:48:32,045 --> 00:48:34,948
>>> FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS
FILMED DOING THE TOMAHAWK CHOP
AT A WORLD SERIES GAME IN
460
00:48:34,948 --> 00:48:39,853
ATLANTA.
NATIVE AMERICAN GROUPS SAID,
"THEY FOUND IT EXTREMELY
461
00:48:39,853 --> 00:48:42,589
OFFENSIVE TO SEE THEIR CULTURE
ASSOCIATED WITH SOMEONE WHO
CAN'T EVEN RUN A SUCCESSFUL
462
00:48:42,589 --> 00:48:56,069
CASINO."
>>> LAST WEEK, THE RAPPER
ICE CUBE LEFT THE UPCOMING FILM
463
00:48:56,069 --> 00:48:59,806
"OH, HELL NO" AFTER HE REFUSED
TO GET THE VACCINE.
HERE TO COMMENT IS ICE CUBE!
464
00:48:59,806 --> 00:49:09,649
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SUP, MICHAEL?
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
465
00:49:09,649 --> 00:49:15,755
GOING THROUGH A GANGSTER LUMBER
JACK PHASE.
>> I CAN TELL.
466
00:49:15,755 --> 00:49:18,425
SO WHY DON'T YOU GET THE
VACCINE, MAN?
>> HEY, LOOK, MAN.
467
00:49:18,425 --> 00:49:21,094
I WOULD JUST RATHER BE MYSELF
THAN TAKE THAT VACCINE LIKE YOU
OTHER 3 BILLION BOZOS.
468
00:49:21,094 --> 00:49:29,135
>> YEAH, THAT'S WHY YOU LOST
THIS MOVIE.
>> NOT MY LOSS.
469
00:49:29,135 --> 00:49:30,904
YOUR LOSS.
"OH, HELL NO" WAS GOING TO
FEATURE THE GREATEST COMEDY DUO
470
00:49:30,904 --> 00:49:40,580
OF ALL TIME.
ICE CUBE, JACK BLACK, PLAYING
CHEMISTRY.
471
00:49:40,580 --> 00:49:42,315
THE COMEDY CHEMISTRY WAS
CRACKLING.
HIGH JINKS.
472
00:49:42,315 --> 00:49:45,685
CHICANERY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
TRY AND GUESS WHAT MY CATCH
473
00:49:45,685 --> 00:49:47,654
PHRASE WAS.
>> "OH, HELL, NO?"
>> THAT'S ACTUALLY CORRECT.
474
00:49:47,654 --> 00:49:50,123
BUT BECAUSE OF THIS CRAZY
VACCINE MANDATE, Y'ALL WIL
NEVER GET TO HEAR IT.
475
00:49:50,123 --> 00:49:51,691
>> I MEAN, UNLESS THEY REPLACE
YOU.
>> OH, HELL NO, MAN.
476
00:49:51,691 --> 00:49:54,394
WHO CAN REPLACE ICE CUBE?
>> I DON'T KNOW, TERRY CREWS?
>> THAT'S A GOOD CHOICE.
477
00:49:54,394 --> 00:50:00,033
>> WHAT ABOUT MICHAEL B. JORDAN?
>> MAKES EVEN MORE SENSE.
HEY, BUT THE POINT IS, THIS
478
00:50:00,033 --> 00:50:03,370
VACCINE MANDATE IS COSTING THE
WORLD MY ART.
I HAD A BUNCH OF OTHER PROJECTS
479
00:50:03,370 --> 00:50:09,909
PACKED IN THE PIPE.
CHECK IT OUT, BOZO.
IF YOU LIKE "BARBERSHOP 3:THE
480
00:50:09,909 --> 00:50:19,686
NEXT CUT," YOU WOULD HAVE LOVED
THE SEQUEL, "BARBERSHOP 4: JUST
A LITTLE OFF THE SIDES."
481
00:50:19,686 --> 00:50:28,528
BUT NOW WE CAN'T MAKE IT.
ALSO, WE'RE GOING TO MAKE A
PREQUELL TO THE ORIGINAL
482
00:50:28,528 --> 00:50:31,598
"FRIDAY" MOVIE.
YOU'LL NEVER
GUESS WHAT IT WAS CALLED.
483
00:50:31,598 --> 00:50:33,166
>> "THURSDAY?"
>> THAT'S ACTUALLY CORRECT
AGAIN.
484
00:50:33,166 --> 00:50:35,468
I WAS ALSO GOING TO STAR IN A
NEW M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN CALLED
"UH-OH, TWIST COMING."
485
00:50:35,468 --> 00:50:41,641
THE TWIST IS, THERE AIN'T NO
TWIST.
EVERYBODY WENT HOME, AND THE DAY
486
00:50:41,641 --> 00:50:44,177
WAS A GOOD DAY.
>> IF YOU WANT TO MAKE THESE
MOVIES SO BAD, WHY DON'T YOU
487
00:50:44,177 --> 00:50:48,348
JUST GET VACCINATED?
>> THE BETTER QUESTION IS, WHY
WON'T Y'ALL LET ME MAKE MY
488
00:50:48,348 --> 00:50:52,018
FAVORITE PROJECT FEATURING THE
GREATEST DRAMATIC DUO OF ALL
TIME?
489
00:50:52,018 --> 00:51:04,531
ICE CUBE, MERYL STREEP.
EATING OCTOPUS AND TRAIPSING ALL
AROUND MYKONOS IN "MAMMA MIA 2."
490
00:51:04,531 --> 00:51:11,671
THAT'S RIGHT.
BOTH OF US ROCKING WHITE LINEN
PANTSUITS NO DRAWERS.
491
00:51:11,671 --> 00:51:16,476
>> NO DRAWERS?
HOW MANY MOVIES WERE YOU MAKING?
>> ENOUGH.
492
00:51:16,476 --> 00:51:20,113
THAT'S JUST THE TIP OF THE BERG,
BOZO.
>> AND ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT,
493
00:51:20,113 --> 00:51:23,783
NOW I GOT TO RUN MY BIG
3 BASKETBALL LEAGUE FROM HOME.
>> RIGHT, THAT'S THE LEAGUE YOU
494
00:51:23,783 --> 00:51:30,690
CREATED FOR RETIRED PLAYERS?
>> YEAH, MAN.
AND NOW I CAN'T GO TO THE GAMES.
495
00:51:30,690 --> 00:51:34,227
IT'S NOT THE SAME IF YOU'RE NOT
COURTSIDE, HEARING THEM KNEES
CREAK, AND THEM BACKS CRACK.
496
00:51:34,227 --> 00:51:38,932
I MEAN, WHERE ELSE COULD YOU
WATCH A BUNCH OF BALLERS ON THE
WRONG SIDE OF 40 PLAY A LIGHTLY
497
00:51:38,932 --> 00:51:42,102
COMPETITIVE GAME OF THREE ON
THREE?
>> AT ANY YMCA?
498
00:51:42,102 --> 00:51:47,340
>> INDEED YOU COULD.
INDEED YOU COULD.
>> JUST ANSWER THE QUESTION, WHY
499
00:51:47,340 --> 00:51:54,581
WON'T YOU GET VACCINATED?
>> HEY, BOZO.
I DON'T HAVE TO TELL ANYBODY
500
00:51:54,581 --> 00:51:58,118
ABOUT MY PRIVATE MEDICAL
DECISIONS.
>> SO YOU'RE SCARED OF NEEDLES?
501
00:51:58,118 --> 00:52:00,854
>> HELL, YEAH, I HATE THEM.
>> ICE CUBE, EVERYBODY.
>> HEY, AARON RODGERS, COME PLAY
502
00:52:00,854 --> 00:52:15,201
WITH THE RAIDERS, MAN.
>>> A HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL HAS
APOLOGIZED FOR UNSPORTSMANLIKE
503
00:52:15,201 --> 00:52:21,441
CONDUCT FOR THE FOOTBALL TEAM
AFTER THEY BEAT ANOTHER TEAM
100-0.
504
00:52:21,441 --> 00:52:27,480
APOLOGY ACCEPTED, SAID THE JETS.
IT WAS REPORTED THAT MOTHERS IN
CALIFORNIA ARE TRYING TO PASS ON
505
00:52:27,480 --> 00:52:33,820
COVID VACCINE ANTIBODIES TO
THEIR CHILDREN BY MAKING THEM
SMOOTHIES WITH THEIR BREAST
506
00:52:33,820 --> 00:52:37,123
MILK.
OH, SURE.
BUT WHEN I ASK FOR THAT I GET
507
00:52:37,123 --> 00:52:59,879
ESCORTED OUT OF JAMBA JUICE.
>>> A PHARMACIST WAS FIRED FOR
TRADING DRUGS FOR SEXUAL FAVORS.
508
00:52:59,879 --> 00:53:12,826
WOW.
SO HE'S A PHARMACIST NOW, HUH?
>>> FEMALE PLAYERS CAN WEAR BIKE
509
00:53:12,826 --> 00:53:19,132
SHORTS INSTEAD OF BIKINI BAT
TOMS.
BUT THEY'RE STILL INSISTING THE
510
00:53:19,132 --> 00:53:25,972
REFS USE THIS WHISTLE.
>>> MORE THAN 30,000 PEOPLE WERE
LOCKED INSIDE SHANGHAI
511
00:53:25,972 --> 00:53:29,075
DISNEYLAND AFTER ONE VISITOR
TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID.
SO, LET THIS BE A LESSON TO ALL
512
00:53:29,075 --> 00:53:32,278
YOU KIDS OUT THERE, IF YOU'RE
NOT MORE CAREFUL ABOUT COVID,
YOU'LL END UP LIVING AT
513
00:53:32,278 --> 00:53:50,864
DISNEYLAND.
NATIONAL IMPOTENCY AWARENESS
MONTH STARTS TUESDAY.
514
00:53:50,864 --> 00:53:58,938
I THOUGHT IT WOULD NEVER COME.
>>> A SQUIRREL APPEARED TO BE
HOLDING HANDS WITH A WOMAN.
515
00:53:58,938 --> 00:54:06,646
GAY MARRIAGE IS A SLIPPERY
SLOPE.
>> PLASTIC SURGEON POSTED A
516
00:54:06,646 --> 00:54:12,352
VIDEO ON TIKTOK CLAIMING THAT
THE RUMOR IS TRUE THAT THE SIZE
OF A PERSON'S NOSE AS A
517
00:54:12,352 --> 00:54:15,388
DIRECTION CONNECTION TO THE SIZE
OF HIS PENIS.
OH.
518
00:54:15,388 --> 00:54:25,899
SO THAT'S WHY KAMILLA IS
SMILING.
>>> THE SUPREME COURT HEARD
519
00:54:25,899 --> 00:54:31,471
ABOUT THE TEXAS LAW THAT
ESSENTIALLY BANS ALL ABORTIONS
AFTER JUST SIX WEEKS.
520
00:54:31,471 --> 00:54:51,458
HERE TO CHEER US UP GOOBER THE
CLOWN WHO HAD AN ABORTION WHEN
SHE WAS 23.
521
00:54:51,458 --> 00:54:53,193
>> HEY, HEY, HEY!
I'M GOOBER THE CLOWN.
>> SO GOOBER, YOU HAD AN
522
00:54:53,193 --> 00:54:55,628
ABORTION WHEN YOU WERE 23?
>> HEY, COLIN, SMELL THIS
FLOWER.
523
00:54:55,628 --> 00:54:58,231
>> YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SQUIRT
ME, ARE YOU?
>> OH, I WOULD NEVER.
524
00:54:58,231 --> 00:55:00,867
>> OKAY.
>> OH, GOTCHA!
I HAD AN ABORTION THE DAY BEFORE
525
00:55:00,867 --> 00:55:03,069
MY 23rd BIRTHDAY.
>> OKAY, SEEMS LIKE YOU DO WANT
TO TALK ABOUT YOUR ABORTION.
526
00:55:03,069 --> 00:55:05,772
>> WELL, ACTUALLY, I REALLY
DON'T.
BUT PEOPLE KEEP BRINGING IT UP,
527
00:55:05,772 --> 00:55:08,141
SO I GOT TO KEEP TALKING ABOUT
FREAKING ABORTION.
IT'S A ROUGH SUBJECT, SO WE'RE
528
00:55:08,141 --> 00:55:14,114
GOING TO DO FUN CLOWN STUFF TO
MAKE IT MORE PALATABLE, WHEE!
HEY, WHO LIKES A BALLOON ANIMAL,
529
00:55:14,114 --> 00:55:16,483
HUH?
WHAT DO YOU WANT, DO YOU WANT A
GIRAFFE?
530
00:55:16,483 --> 00:55:21,688
YEAH?
>> YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS,
EVELYN.
531
00:55:21,688 --> 00:55:26,593
>> GOOBER.
AND I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO
THIS, BECAUSE MY ABORTION IS MY
532
00:55:26,593 --> 00:55:31,631
PERSONAL CLOWN BUSINESS.
BUT THAT'S ALL PEOPLE IN THIS
COUNTRY WANT TO DISCUSS ALL THE
533
00:55:31,631 --> 00:55:35,301
TIME, EVEN THOUGH CLOWN ABORTION
WAS LEGALIZED IN CLOWN V. WADE
IN 1973.
534
00:55:35,301 --> 00:55:40,473
HERE.
>> CAN YOU STOP SAYING CLOWN
ABORTION?
535
00:55:40,473 --> 00:55:46,980
WHAT THIS IS?
>> IT'S A WORM.
I DON'T KNOW.
536
00:55:46,980 --> 00:55:49,349
DID YOU KNOW 1 IN 3 CLOWNS WILL
HAVE A CLOWN ABORTION IN THEIR
LIFETIME?
537
00:55:49,349 --> 00:55:51,584
YOU DON'T, BECAUSE THEY DON'T
TELL YOU.
THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TALK
538
00:55:51,584 --> 00:55:55,789
TO OTHER CLOWNS ABOUT IT.
'CAUSE WHEN THEY DO TALK ABOUT
IT, IF YOU WERE A CLOWN WHO
539
00:55:55,789 --> 00:55:59,426
WASN'T A VICTIM OF SOMETHING SAD
LIKE CLOWN-CEST, THEY THINK YOUR
CLOWN ABORTION WASN'T A
540
00:55:59,426 --> 00:56:06,933
RIGHTEOUS CLOWN ABORTION.
I MEAN, WHAT THE DINK IS THAT.
>> I DON'T THINK YOU CAN SAY
541
00:56:06,933 --> 00:56:08,802
THAT WORD ON THE SHOW.
>> WHAT, ABORTION?
>> I GUESS, KIND OF, YEAH.
542
00:56:08,802 --> 00:56:10,236
>> OKAY.
WE'RE HAVING FUN, COLIN.
JUST LAUGH.
543
00:56:10,236 --> 00:56:13,873
PULL MY FINGER.
>> NO, GOOBER.
>> LAUGH, I NEED IT.
544
00:56:13,873 --> 00:56:18,578
I NEED YOU TO LAUGH SO HARD.
LIKE THE WAY I LAUGHED WHEN THE
DOCTOR ASKED IF I GOT PREGNANT
545
00:56:18,578 --> 00:56:23,249
ON THE WAY OVER TO THE CLINIC,
BECAUSE I WASN'T VERY FAR ALONG,
AND THAT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE
546
00:56:23,249 --> 00:56:27,454
JOKES TO THIS DAY.
I LOVE THAT JOKE.
SUCH A GOOD JOKE.
547
00:56:27,454 --> 00:56:32,625
NOT LIKE A FUNNY HA HA JOKE.
BUT LIKE A FUNNY, YOU'RE NOT AN
AWFUL PERSON, AND YOUR LIFE
548
00:56:32,625 --> 00:56:45,672
ISN'T OVER JOKE, THE BEST KIND.
HONKA-HONKA.
AND IN THE WAITING ROOM THEY HAD
549
00:56:45,672 --> 00:56:48,975
A LITTLE GUEST BOOK WHERE ALL
THE CLOWNS COULD WRITE THEIR
CLOWN ABORTION STORY FOR THE
550
00:56:48,975 --> 00:56:54,080
NEXT CLOWN TO READ IT SO SHE
WOULDN'T FEEL SO ALONE.
OH, HOOKAH!
551
00:56:54,080 --> 00:56:57,650
AND THEN, YEARS LATER, YOU'D BE
AT DINNER WITH A BIG GROUP OF
CLOWNS, ONE CLOWN WILL GO OUT ON
552
00:56:57,650 --> 00:57:01,821
A LIMB, AND SAY, "SHE'S HAD AN
ABORTION, AND THEN EIGHT OTHER
CLOWNS AT THE TABLE WILL SAY
553
00:57:01,821 --> 00:57:05,025
THEY'VE HAD AN ABORTION TOO
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW COMMON IT IS.
AND EVERYONE'S EXCITED AND
554
00:57:05,025 --> 00:57:08,628
RELIEVED TO BE TALKING ABOUT IT.
THEN IT'S LIKE "WOW, WE KEPT THE
SECRET SO LONG DESPITE BEING SO
555
00:57:08,628 --> 00:57:16,436
GRATEFUL IT HAPPENED."
HONKA-HONKA!
>> WAIT.
556
00:57:16,436 --> 00:57:23,209
WAIT A SECOND.
ARE CLOWNS REALLY WOMEN?
>> EXCUSE ME?
557
00:57:23,209 --> 00:57:25,812
WOW.
COLIN JOST THINKS ALL WOMEN ARE
CLOWNS.
558
00:57:25,812 --> 00:57:31,551
>> I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
>> HELIUM.
COLIN, HERE'S MY TRUTH.
559
00:57:31,551 --> 00:57:35,722
I KNOW I WOULDN'T BE A CLOWN ON
TV HERE TODAY IF IT WEREN'T FOR
THE ABORTION I HAD THE DAY
560
00:57:35,722 --> 00:57:39,893
BEFORE MY 23rd BIRTHDAY.
CLOWNS HAVE BEEN HELPING EACH
OTHER END THEIR PREGNANCIES
561
00:57:39,893 --> 00:57:43,063
SINCE THE CAVES.
IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN SO IT OUGHT
TO BE SAFE, LEGAL, AND
562
00:57:43,063 --> 00:57:47,600
ACCESSIBLE.
WE WILL
NOT BACK TO THE ALLEY.
563
00:57:47,600 --> 00:57:50,370
THE LAST THING ANYONE WANTS IS A
BUNCH OF DEAD CLOWNS IN A DARK
ALLEY.
564
00:57:50,370 --> 00:57:59,245
>> GOOBER THE CLOWN, EVERYONE.
>> THIS IS "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M COLIN JOST.
565
00:57:59,245 --> 00:58:00,246
>> THIS IS "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M COLIN JOST.
>> I'M MICHAEL CHE.
566
00:58:47,160 --> 00:58:54,067
>> GOOD MORNING, FOLKS.
>> GOOD MORNING, FOLKS.
SHERMAN BELL ALONGSIDE KATIE
567
00:58:54,067 --> 00:58:56,670
WILLIAMS.
>> COMING UP, WE'LL HEAR FROM
BETH BENNINGTON WHO IS WITH AN
568
00:58:56,670 --> 00:58:59,572
EAGLE SCOUT ON AN IMPORTANT
MISSION.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, KATIE.
569
00:58:59,572 --> 00:59:03,243
THIS IS TED BAXTER.
AND TED, TELL US WHAT WE'RE
DOING DOWN HERE.
570
00:59:03,243 --> 00:59:05,845
>> WELL, MYSELF AND THESE BOY
SCOUTS WILL BE PICKING UP TRASH
AT THE BEACH ALL DAY.
571
00:59:05,845 --> 00:59:10,016
RIGHT, GUYS?
>> YEAH!
>> OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
572
00:59:10,016 --> 00:59:13,153
CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR MORE ABOUT
THAT.
>> ME, TOO.
573
00:59:13,153 --> 00:59:18,892
BUT FIRST, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT
THE WEATHER WITH RILEY COLE.
>> HEY, GUYS.
574
00:59:18,892 --> 00:59:23,063
>> OH MY GOODNESS, RILEY, WHAT
ARE YOU WEARING?
>> WHO'S RILEY?
575
00:59:23,063 --> 00:59:27,901
I'M TURKEY TOM.
>> TURKEY TOM, HE SAYS.
AND LOOK, HE EVEN CHANGED THE
576
00:59:27,901 --> 00:59:32,405
GRAPHIC.
>> AND WHY IS TURKEY TOM
HONORING US WITH HIS PRESENCE
577
00:59:32,405 --> 00:59:37,110
TODAY?
>> WELL, BECAUSE TODAY WAS THE
FIRST DAY THAT THE THERMOMETER
578
00:59:37,110 --> 00:59:41,314
DROPPED BELOW 40, AND YOU KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.
TIME FOR A FALL RAP.
579
00:59:41,314 --> 00:59:49,622
>> OH, BOY, HERE WE GO.
**
* THE LEAVES ARE TURNING ORANGE
580
00:59:49,622 --> 00:59:56,930
THE GRASS IS TURNING BROWN *
* THE WIND IS GETTING COLDER AND
THE *
581
00:59:56,930 --> 01:00:02,669
>> THIS IS A RHODE ISLAND
WEATHER ALERT.
A SEVERE STORM IS APPROACHING.
582
01:00:02,669 --> 01:00:08,375
EVACUATION ORDERS ARE IN PLACE
FOR FLOOD ZONES 1 THROUGH 4.
TAKE ONLY WHAT IS NECESSARY.
583
01:00:08,375 --> 01:00:16,883
LEAVE ALL PETS BEHIND.
LIFE THREATENING WINDS AND FLOOD
EXPECTED.
584
01:00:16,883 --> 01:00:24,624
MAY GOD HAVE MERCY ON YOUR
SOULS.
>> OKAY.
585
01:00:24,624 --> 01:00:31,865
>> OBVIOUSLY WE HAVE A SEVERE
WEATHER SITUATION.
RILEY, HOW DID WE NOT SEE THIS
586
01:00:31,865 --> 01:00:35,068
STORM COMING?
>> UM -- WELL, UH, YEAH.
I WAS WORKING ON THE RAP ALL
587
01:00:35,068 --> 01:00:37,103
LAST NIGHT.
YOU KNOW, THE COSTUMES AND THE
LYRICS, THAT KIND OF THING.
588
01:00:37,103 --> 01:00:39,572
SO I'M A LITTLE BEHIND HERE ON
THE WEATHER REPORT, SO MY BAD.
BUT YEAH I'M SEEING THAT THIS IS
589
01:00:39,572 --> 01:00:44,077
A BIG ONE.
AND I -- I SHOULD HAVE CAUGHT
IT, I APOLOGIZE.
590
01:00:44,077 --> 01:00:47,714
>> OKAY, WELL WHY DON'T WE GO TO
COMMERCIAL SO YOU CAN CHANGE
INTO SOMETHING MORE APPROPRIATE.
591
01:00:47,714 --> 01:00:51,885
>> YOU KNOW, I WOULD LOVE TO.
BUT THE DOPPLER SAYS LANDFALL
COULD BE ANY MINUTE NOW.
592
01:00:51,885 --> 01:00:59,259
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE RADAR
HERE.
OKAY.
593
01:00:59,259 --> 01:01:01,895
THIS IS THE BIGGEST NOR'EASTER
THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN.
OKAY.
594
01:01:01,895 --> 01:01:08,735
SO THERE'S THIS LARGE,
FAST-MOVING STORM.
HERE -- OKAY, YEAH.
595
01:01:08,735 --> 01:01:14,441
SO -- THE TURKEYS WERE PART OF
THE RAP.
THERE'S A LYRIC ABOUT SAY
596
01:01:14,441 --> 01:01:19,679
NOVEMBER BECAUSE OF
THANKSGIVING.
>> YOU KNOW THEY DO.
597
01:01:19,679 --> 01:01:24,517
>> BUT ANYWAY, YOU CAN SEE
BEHIND THE TURKEYS HERE, THE
WIND IS REACHING -- WOW, 190
598
01:01:24,517 --> 01:01:26,553
MILES AN HOUR.
>> RILEY --
>> THAT IS VERY DANGEROUS.
599
01:01:26,553 --> 01:01:29,189
>> RILEY --
>> YEAH, YEAH.
>> TAKE THE TURKEY OFF YOUR
600
01:01:29,189 --> 01:01:34,260
HEAD.
>> KATIE, LET'S BE REASONABLE.
TURKEY TOM.
601
01:01:34,260 --> 01:01:47,440
>> DON'T CALL HIM THAT.
>> KATIE, PLEASE.
TURKEY TOM, CAN WE BE LOOKING AT
602
01:01:47,440 --> 01:01:48,975
STRUCTURAL DAMAGE
FROM THESE WINDS?
>> MORE THAN DAMAGE.
603
01:01:48,975 --> 01:01:54,781
I THINK SHOULD AREAS COULD BE
COMPLETELY FLATTED.
WE SHOULD EXPECT MANY, MANY
604
01:01:54,781 --> 01:01:57,784
CASUALTIES.
>> JUST TAKE THE TURKEY HAT OFF.
>> BOO!
605
01:01:57,784 --> 01:01:59,853
>> OKAY, YEAH, MAYBE I SHOULD.
>> OKAY, GREAT.
AND WHILE YOU DO THAT, WE'LL GO
606
01:01:59,853 --> 01:02:03,523
TO BETH BENNINGTON.
BETH, ANY SIGN OF THIS STORM
DOWN THERE?
607
01:02:03,523 --> 01:02:11,331
>> YES!
>> OH, WOW.
BETH, WHERE ARE THE BOY SCOUTS?
608
01:02:11,331 --> 01:02:17,570
>> THE SEA TOOK THEM!
>> OH MY GOD.
OKAY.
609
01:02:17,570 --> 01:02:20,707
AND RILEY, RILEY, I SEE YOU
STILL HAVE THE TURKEY HEADPIECE
ON?
610
01:02:20,707 --> 01:02:28,381
>> I DO, YES.
I DECIDED TO KEEP IT ON IN CASE
YOU WANTED TO HEAR THE REST OF
611
01:02:28,381 --> 01:02:33,420
THE RAP AFTER THE STORM.
>> BOO.
>> NO.
612
01:02:33,420 --> 01:02:40,093
THAT'S FAIR.
I'M SORRY I LOOK LIKE THIS.
I'M ALSO VERY SORRY I MISSED THE
613
01:02:40,093 --> 01:02:41,695
STORM.
>> HEY, MAN, IT'S NOT ON YOU.
>> NO, IT ABSOLUTELY IS.
614
01:02:41,695 --> 01:02:44,197
LET'S GO TO COMMERCIAL SO RILEY
CAN CHANGE.
KEEP IT HERE FOR MORE AS THIS
615
01:02:44,197 --> 01:02:52,906
DANGEROUS STORM DEVELOPS.
>> AND LATER, WE'LL HEAR THE
LOCAL BOY SCOUT TROOP WHO IS
616
01:02:52,906 --> 01:02:54,574
>> AND LATER, WE'LL HEAR THE
LOCAL BOY SCOUT TROOP WHO IS
CLEANING UP THE BEACH.
617
01:03:50,230 --> 01:03:59,739
>>> ONCE AGAIN, ED SHEERAN.
**
618
01:03:59,739 --> 01:04:10,150
* THIS IS A DARK PARADE
ANOTHER ROUGH PATCH
TO RAIN ON TO RAIN ON
619
01:04:10,150 --> 01:04:16,923
I KNOW YOUR FRIENDS MAY *
* SAY THIS IS A CAUSE
FOR CELEBRATION
620
01:04:16,923 --> 01:04:23,697
HIP-HIP-HOORAY LOVE
PHOTOGRAPHS IN SEPIA TONES *
* IT'S SO STILL
621
01:04:23,697 --> 01:04:32,572
THE FIRE'S BARELY
FIGHTING THE COLD ALONE
THERE ARE TIMES WHEN *
622
01:04:32,572 --> 01:04:39,346
* I CAN FEEL YOUR GHOST
JUST WHEN I'M ALMOST
LETTING YOU GO
623
01:04:39,346 --> 01:04:46,119
THE CARDS WERE STACKED *
* AGAINST US BOTH
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
624
01:04:46,119 --> 01:04:53,927
FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH
WE'LL NEVER FADE LIKE *
* GRAFFITI ON THE OVERPASS
625
01:04:53,927 --> 01:04:59,699
AND I KNOW TIME MAY CHANGE
THE WAY YOU THINK OF US
BUT I'LL REMEMBER *
626
01:04:59,699 --> 01:05:02,802
* THE WAY WE WERE
YOU WERE THE
FIRST FULL STOP
627
01:05:02,802 --> 01:05:08,041
LOVE THAT WILL *
* NEVER LEAVE
BABY YOU WILL NEVER
628
01:05:08,041 --> 01:05:24,157
BE LOST ON ME
OHH OHH OHH *
* THIS IS A REAL REAL SHAME
629
01:05:24,157 --> 01:05:35,135
I NEVER WANTED TO BREAK IT
OR LEAVE US TAINTED
KNOW I SHOULD WALK AWAY *
630
01:05:35,135 --> 01:05:42,409
* BUT I JUST CAN'T
REPLACE US OR
EVEN ERASE US
631
01:05:42,409 --> 01:05:49,215
THE CAR WAS STUCK *
* THE ENGINE STALLED
AND BOTH OF US GOT CAUGHT
632
01:05:49,215 --> 01:05:55,989
OUT IN THE SNOW ALONE
THERE WERE TIMES WHEN *
* I FORGET THE LOWS
633
01:05:55,989 --> 01:06:03,296
AND THINK THE HIGHS WERE
ALL THAT WE'D EVER KNOWN
THE CARDS WERE STACKED *
634
01:06:03,296 --> 01:06:10,070
* AGAINST US BOTH
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH
635
01:06:10,070 --> 01:06:18,411
WE'LL NEVER FADE LIKE *
* GRAFFITI ON THE OVERPASS
AND I KNOW TIME MAY CHANGE
636
01:06:18,411 --> 01:06:22,582
THE WAY YOU THINK OF US
BUT I'LL REMEMBER *
* THE WAY WE WERE
637
01:06:22,582 --> 01:06:28,855
YOU WERE THE
FIRST FULL STOP
LOVE THAT WILL NEVER LEAVE *
638
01:06:28,855 --> 01:06:39,799
* BABY YOU WILL NEVER
BE LOST ON ME
OHH OHH OHH
639
01:06:39,799 --> 01:06:55,415
BABY YOU WILL NEVER *
* BE LOST ON ME
OHH OHH OHH
640
01:06:55,415 --> 01:07:01,688
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH *
* WE'LL NEVER FADE LIKE
641
01:07:01,688 --> 01:07:10,030
GRAFFITI ON THE OVERPASS
I KNOW TIME MAY CHANGE
THE WAY YOU THINK OF US *
642
01:07:10,030 --> 01:07:12,098
* BUT I'LL REMEMBER
THE WAY WE WERE
YOU WERE THE
643
01:07:12,098 --> 01:07:18,371
FIRST FULL STOP *
* LOVE THAT WILL NEVER LEAVE
BABY YOU WILL NEVER
644
01:07:18,371 --> 01:07:28,782
BE LOST ON ME
OHH OHH OHH *
* YEAH YEAH YEAH
645
01:07:28,782 --> 01:07:39,759
YEAH YEAH YEAH
LOST ON ME
OHH OHH OHH *
646
01:07:39,759 --> 01:07:44,330
OHH OHH OHH *
* OOH GRAFFITI
ON THE OVERPASS *
647
01:08:21,034 --> 01:08:25,805
UP.
ARE YOU GOING TO SIT HERE OR ARE
YOU GOING TO CALL HER.
648
01:08:25,805 --> 01:08:30,677
>> IF I WERE HERE, I WOULDN'T
TAKE ME BACK EITHER.
I WAS REALLY A JERK TO HER.
649
01:08:30,677 --> 01:08:37,117
I WAS SELFISH AND I WAS TOO
AFRAID TO BE VULNERABLE.
AND I LOST HER.
650
01:08:37,117 --> 01:08:40,820
>> JO, THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
JUST TELL HER THAT.
>> YEAH, MAN.
651
01:08:40,820 --> 01:08:49,829
SHE WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE
HEARING THAT.
JUST GIVE HER A CALL, BUDDY.
652
01:08:49,829 --> 01:08:55,869
TELL HER WHAT YOU TOLD US.
>> HELLO?
>> HEY.
653
01:08:55,869 --> 01:09:03,176
IT'S ME, IT'S JOHN.
[ BLEEP ] YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]
654
01:09:03,176 --> 01:09:10,583
[ BLEEP ] YOU.
>> NO.
WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT?
655
01:09:10,583 --> 01:09:12,619
>> STOP.
>> I'M FREAKING OUT.
>> SAY WHAT YOU SAID EARLIER,
656
01:09:12,619 --> 01:09:15,055
THE BEING VULNERABLE THING.
>> [ BLEEP ] YOU.
>> OH NO!
657
01:09:15,055 --> 01:09:16,790
>> [ BLEEP ].
>> WOULDN'T LET YOU IN IN THE
FIRST PLACE, GIRLIE.
658
01:09:16,790 --> 01:09:20,794
>> BAIL ME OUT, TELL HER I'M
SORRY, PLEASE.
>> HI, ANGIE, HEY.
659
01:09:20,794 --> 01:09:23,396
SORRY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S --
[ BLEEP ] YOU.
>> OH MY GOD.
660
01:09:23,396 --> 01:09:28,635
>> [ BLEEP ] YOU, LOSER.
>> YOU'RE DOING IT TOO!
>> I HATE ALL OF WHAT YOU'RE
661
01:09:28,635 --> 01:09:31,237
WORKING WITH.
WHAT IS GOING ON?
>> GET OFF THE PHONE.
662
01:09:31,237 --> 01:09:34,374
>> ANGIE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
GOING ON WITH THOSE GUYS.
I LOVE YOU.
663
01:09:34,374 --> 01:09:37,110
[ BLEEP ].
>> THAT'S MY EX-GIRLFRIEND!
>> ANGIE, IT'S ME.
664
01:09:37,110 --> 01:09:42,682
I'M REALLY SORRY.
>> DUDE, IT'S ON MUTE.
>> OOPS.
665
01:09:42,682 --> 01:09:49,489
[ BLEEP ] YOU, [ BLEEP ].
>> WHY ARE WE SO OFF TODAY?
>> SHE HUNG UP ON ME.
666
01:09:49,489 --> 01:09:51,558
WOW.
>> ARE YOU SERIOUS?
>> VERY MATURE.
667
01:09:51,558 --> 01:09:55,729
>> BLEW IT AGAIN WITH THE LOVE
OF MY LIFE.
>> YEAH, BLEW IT WITH MY LAST
668
01:09:55,729 --> 01:09:59,399
GIRLFRIEND, TOO.
BY GETTING MY PENIS STUCK IN HER
TOILET.
669
01:09:59,399 --> 01:10:10,443
JUST LIKE I BLEW IT WITH STEVIE.
EVERY TIME WE'D HAVE SEX, I'D
SAY, AICHEEWAWA.
670
01:10:10,443 --> 01:10:12,178
SHE DID NOT LIKE THAT.
>> ANGIE WASN'T LIKE YOUR UGLY
GIRLFRIENDS.
671
01:10:12,178 --> 01:10:15,315
SHE WAS AS WARM AS A SUMMER
NIGHT.
AS SWEET AS A SONG.
672
01:10:15,315 --> 01:10:20,020
SHE WAS --
>> OH MY GOSH, SHE'S ON HER WAY
UP.
673
01:10:20,020 --> 01:10:22,622
>> YOU MOTHER [ BLEEP ]!
>> ANGIE!
>> ANGIE!
674
01:10:22,622 --> 01:10:41,441
>> ANGIE!
>> ANGIE!
>> NO, NO, NO -- ANGIE, ANGIE!
675
01:12:14,734 --> 01:12:23,143
SHEERAN, DIONNE WARWICK, TRACY
MORGAN AND MY BROTHER MAX FOR
LETTING ME SHARE THE STAGE WITH
676
01:12:23,143 --> 01:12:28,481
HIM 30 YEARS AGO.
THE CAST, THE CREW, EVERYONE.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
677
01:12:28,481 --> 01:12:47,567
THE CAST, THE CREW, EVERYONE.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
IT WAS AMAZING!
69822
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