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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:09,539 Yo, Charlie! It's Dennis! 2 00:00:10,543 --> 00:00:12,477 - Hey. - Hey, dude. 3 00:00:12,545 --> 00:00:14,479 What's up, buddy? 4 00:00:14,547 --> 00:00:17,675 Hey, your face looks, uh, like, poofy. 5 00:00:17,751 --> 00:00:20,083 Uh... Uh, yeah, I've been cryin' a little bit. 6 00:00:20,153 --> 00:00:22,621 Huh? I'm sorry. 7 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:24,623 Hey, do you have that basketball? 8 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:27,524 Mac and I were about to go play in the park. I think you... 9 00:00:27,594 --> 00:00:29,528 - Uh, yeah. I might. Come on in. - Yeah? Okay. 10 00:00:33,900 --> 00:00:36,733 Wow, dude! I thought my place looked like shit. 11 00:00:36,803 --> 00:00:39,829 Oh. Yeah. 12 00:00:39,906 --> 00:00:42,534 What's wrong? You look, uh, hungover or something. 13 00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:46,978 No. Yeah, it's... I found out I might have cancer, so ooh. 14 00:00:50,784 --> 00:00:53,753 - What? - Yeah, I found out I might have cancer. 15 00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:57,586 That's why I haven't been down to the bar recently. And, uh... 16 00:00:59,959 --> 00:01:01,984 Jesus, dude. I don't know what to say. 17 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,292 You don't have to say anything. Here, check these pamphlets out. 18 00:01:04,364 --> 00:01:07,663 They go over cancer, cancer-related issues. 19 00:01:09,969 --> 00:01:13,132 You know, it feels actually pretty good to get this off my chest, you know? 20 00:01:13,206 --> 00:01:16,107 - Yeah? - I've been sittin' in here boohooin' a little bit. 21 00:01:16,176 --> 00:01:18,542 So, uh... I mean, I'm glad we can talk. 22 00:01:18,611 --> 00:01:20,738 We can talk, right? 23 00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:23,408 - Yeah. Of course. Yeah, talk. We can always talk. - Awesome, dude. 24 00:01:23,483 --> 00:01:26,941 All right, so it starts out I'm not feeling good. I'm havin' headaches and... 25 00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:31,923 Uh, did you want to talk, like, right now? 26 00:01:31,991 --> 00:01:34,721 Well, you know, I was thinking we could talk right now. 27 00:01:34,794 --> 00:01:37,024 Well, it's not really a good time. 28 00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:40,294 It's just that Mac and Sweet Dee are down in the car waitin' for me. 29 00:01:40,366 --> 00:01:43,358 I told them I'd just, you know, zip in and zip out. 30 00:01:45,872 --> 00:01:48,705 - Oh, yeah. All right. - I could ask 'em to wait. 31 00:01:50,610 --> 00:01:52,544 Don't do that. 32 00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:54,546 - I really shouldn't. - Then don't. 33 00:02:07,694 --> 00:02:09,594 Hey, uh, look, man. 34 00:02:09,662 --> 00:02:12,426 - Keep... Keep your head up. You're gonna get through this. - Oh, yeah. 35 00:02:12,499 --> 00:02:14,933 - Yeah. - Do me a favor though. Uh, don't tell anybody. 36 00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:17,868 - I don't want it gettin' around. - Oh, no, no. I won't say anything. 37 00:02:17,937 --> 00:02:19,871 Thanks. All right. 38 00:02:19,939 --> 00:02:21,930 Uh... Uh... 39 00:02:24,077 --> 00:02:26,272 Could I get the... the basketball though? 40 00:02:26,346 --> 00:02:28,837 It's just we're supposed to meet, like, a bunch of people... 41 00:02:28,915 --> 00:02:32,715 - and we were supposed to bring that. - Yeah, no. You're... Okay. 42 00:03:02,248 --> 00:03:05,684 Yeah, but Charlie's got such great hair. Is he gonna lose all of his hair? 43 00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:07,686 Yeah. He probably is. 44 00:03:07,754 --> 00:03:10,587 - Well, so what kind of cancer is it? - I don't know, man. 45 00:03:10,657 --> 00:03:12,750 - Well, when does he go in for treatment? - He didn't say. 46 00:03:12,825 --> 00:03:16,693 You know, we just stood there for a long time and didn't say much, you know? 47 00:03:16,763 --> 00:03:19,561 And we cried together, and I held him for a while... 48 00:03:19,632 --> 00:03:21,827 and that was it. 49 00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:24,233 Mm-hmm. 50 00:03:24,304 --> 00:03:28,104 That is so sad. He is gonna look so bad without that hair. 51 00:03:28,174 --> 00:03:30,972 - We gotta do somethin' nice for him. We should go back. - No, no, no. 52 00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:33,569 We can't go back. He made me promise not to tell anybody. 53 00:03:33,646 --> 00:03:36,410 So when we see him we're supposed to act like we don't know anything? 54 00:03:36,482 --> 00:03:39,383 - Yeah. - No, no. That's not right at all. 55 00:03:39,452 --> 00:03:41,386 We can't just abandon him right now. 56 00:03:41,454 --> 00:03:43,945 He needs people around him. He shouldn't be alone. 57 00:03:44,023 --> 00:03:47,015 I learned a lot in my theater and psych classes about the human nature... 58 00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:50,324 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dee, you know what? Nobody cares about your psych or theater training. 59 00:03:50,396 --> 00:03:52,330 No, no, no. Dee's right. Let's think about this. 60 00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:54,798 What's the one thing that Charlie never gets? 61 00:03:54,867 --> 00:03:57,597 - Laid. - Right! So let's find a girl for Charlie. 62 00:03:57,670 --> 00:04:00,230 - No, not at all what I was saying actually. - No, no. Let's find... 63 00:04:00,306 --> 00:04:02,672 Let's find a girl for Charlie... someone to be there for him... 64 00:04:02,742 --> 00:04:04,733 - spend time with him, you know, nurture him. - Bang him. 65 00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:07,006 - Have sex with him, right. - Okay, great. 66 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,640 - You have any friends desperate enough? - Are you out of your mind? 67 00:04:09,716 --> 00:04:11,650 - I'm not helping you with this. - Oh, come on. 68 00:04:11,718 --> 00:04:13,913 - Don't be a pain in the ass. - I am not be... 69 00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:17,423 Speaking of which, anybody want to get up off their ass and help me with the boxes? 70 00:04:17,490 --> 00:04:19,424 - The boxes? That's what Charlie does. - Charlie's job, yeah. 71 00:04:19,492 --> 00:04:22,256 - Yeah. Well, I can't do it all by myself. - Oh, I'm sorry. 72 00:04:22,328 --> 00:04:26,424 So Charlie's wasting away, and we're gonna talk about Sweet Dee's feelings all morning. 73 00:04:26,499 --> 00:04:29,024 - Great. - Okay, you know what? I love Charlie very much. 74 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,764 But this is a stupid idea you guys have. So you know what? 75 00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:33,806 - Oh! Whatever! - I am not helping you with it. 76 00:04:33,873 --> 00:04:37,036 - Whatever. You know what, Dennis? We don't need her. - You're right. We don't need her. 77 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,943 What we'll do is we'll find a girl for Charlie tonight in the bar. 78 00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:41,947 - Yes. - No, you won't. 79 00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:45,007 - Yes, we will. - There are never any girls in this bar. 80 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:49,488 Goddamn it! 81 00:04:49,555 --> 00:04:51,682 - I told you. - I don't get it, Dee. 82 00:04:51,758 --> 00:04:54,852 There are tons of women in this city. Where do they go? 83 00:04:54,927 --> 00:04:58,761 - Uh, they're at the velvet-rope clubs on Delaware Avenue. - Why? 84 00:04:58,831 --> 00:05:01,561 Dennis, our bar is in South Philly in a scary alley. 85 00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:03,966 - Might as well call it Rape Bar. - No, no, no. 86 00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:07,029 The problem is that every time a beautiful girl comes into a place like this... 87 00:05:07,106 --> 00:05:09,165 it's always the biggest asshole that winds up accosting her. 88 00:05:09,242 --> 00:05:13,042 Carmen, you have the most amazing body. Are you bulimic, or what? 89 00:05:13,112 --> 00:05:15,444 No. I work out, like, every day. 90 00:05:15,515 --> 00:05:18,746 - Yeah, it shows. - You look like you work out too. 91 00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:20,786 Yeah. One would think actually. 92 00:05:20,853 --> 00:05:23,720 But it's pretty much all natural. 93 00:05:23,790 --> 00:05:26,918 Dennis, maybe you need to rethink this whole plan of yours. 94 00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:29,826 I don't think getting Charlie laid is gonna help his cancer problem. 95 00:05:29,896 --> 00:05:32,126 - Whatever. - Dennis, I found the perfect girl for Charlie. 96 00:05:32,198 --> 00:05:34,132 - Smart, beautiful, the whole thing. - Where? 97 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:36,828 - Right there. - Over by the pool table? 98 00:05:36,903 --> 00:05:40,031 - Yeah. Nice. - That's great, Mac. 99 00:05:40,106 --> 00:05:42,574 - Good work, Mac. - That's a dude. 100 00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:44,837 No. The one with the exposed midriff and the cans. 101 00:05:44,911 --> 00:05:46,970 Yeah. That's Eric Wyzotski's cousin. Carmen, right? 102 00:05:47,046 --> 00:05:48,980 - Yeah. - Yeah, Carmen. 103 00:05:49,048 --> 00:05:50,845 - Tranny. - Implants? 104 00:05:50,917 --> 00:05:51,975 - Yeah. - Nice. 105 00:05:52,051 --> 00:05:53,985 - Not bad. It's good. - Are you sure? 106 00:05:54,053 --> 00:05:56,851 Yeah. Look at his jeans, dude. 107 00:05:56,923 --> 00:05:59,323 There's an unmistakable bulge of a large penis in those jeans. 108 00:05:59,392 --> 00:06:01,826 - There's a dick in those pants. - There's a dick in those pants. 109 00:06:01,894 --> 00:06:03,828 - Yeah. - I'll be right back. 110 00:06:03,896 --> 00:06:06,364 Excuse me, bro. Can you give me a second? 111 00:06:06,432 --> 00:06:09,367 - Thanks. Is that a penis in your pants? - Yeah. 112 00:06:09,435 --> 00:06:11,460 - You lied to me. - No, I didn't. 113 00:06:11,537 --> 00:06:13,505 You lied to me. You don't work out? 114 00:06:13,573 --> 00:06:15,598 Please. I've seen you at the gym. You're ripped. 115 00:06:15,675 --> 00:06:17,734 No. Don't turn this around. Wait. 116 00:06:17,810 --> 00:06:20,244 Really? You think so? 117 00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:23,077 - Yeah. - I was afraid I was getting a little too ripped, you know? 118 00:06:23,149 --> 00:06:25,481 Oh, no. I like it. 119 00:06:25,551 --> 00:06:27,883 Wow! 120 00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:29,888 Hmm. 121 00:06:29,956 --> 00:06:32,049 Well, I gotta get back to work. 122 00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:34,457 Um, but I don't know. 123 00:06:34,527 --> 00:06:36,461 Maybe I'll give you a call sometime. 124 00:06:36,529 --> 00:06:38,497 - Okay. - Yeah. 125 00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:40,532 Yeah, I'll give you a call. 126 00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:06,825 What do you want, Charlie? 127 00:07:06,893 --> 00:07:08,827 - I like your bracelet. - Great. 128 00:07:08,895 --> 00:07:12,854 That's one of those, uh, Lance Armstrong "Race for the Cure"... 129 00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:15,059 "Live Strong" kind of things. 130 00:07:15,134 --> 00:07:17,864 - Yeah. - Cool. That's very cool. 131 00:07:17,937 --> 00:07:21,134 - You must be a very compassionate person. - I'm not. 132 00:07:21,207 --> 00:07:24,267 - Uh... - Did you want something from me, or... 133 00:07:25,578 --> 00:07:27,705 What time are... are you getting off of work? 134 00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:31,910 It's not a thing to walk away about. Whatever. 135 00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:37,787 Dennis, I don't have time to talk to you about this. 136 00:07:37,857 --> 00:07:39,825 But we found the perfect girl for Charlie. 137 00:07:39,892 --> 00:07:42,827 - That's awesome. - Okay, you know the waitress over at the coffee shop... 138 00:07:42,895 --> 00:07:45,022 - the one that he's been in love with forever? - Yes. 139 00:07:45,097 --> 00:07:48,430 Well, okay. He saw her wearing one of those Lance Armstrong "Race for the Cure"... 140 00:07:48,501 --> 00:07:50,969 "I Love People that are Dying of Cancer" type bracelets. 141 00:07:51,037 --> 00:07:54,473 - That's really cool. - Well, so that bracelet probably means... 142 00:07:54,540 --> 00:07:56,804 that she's compassionate towards sick and dying people. 143 00:07:56,876 --> 00:07:58,810 You know what I mean? That's what that symbolizes. 144 00:07:58,878 --> 00:08:02,075 You know what that symbolizes? Those bracelets symbolize jumping on fashion trends. 145 00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:04,309 And you know what the thing that's so rad is? 146 00:08:04,383 --> 00:08:08,752 They come in all kinds of colors now, so you can accessorize your compassion with your outfits. 147 00:08:08,821 --> 00:08:10,721 - Really cool. - All right. All right. 148 00:08:10,790 --> 00:08:13,623 Well, be that as it may, we still need you to talk to her... 149 00:08:13,693 --> 00:08:16,924 because the whole thing is gonna sound so much better coming from a girl. 150 00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:19,055 First of all, I don't have time since, apparently... 151 00:08:19,131 --> 00:08:21,326 I'm the only one who does anything around here anymore. 152 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:25,734 - And second of all, it's gross! - I'm sure that there's something Mac and I can do for you... 153 00:08:25,805 --> 00:08:27,773 that will convince you to help us. 154 00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:33,608 Sweet Dee is in. 155 00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:35,647 Sweet Dee's in what? 156 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:46,119 She is in... way over her head. 157 00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:49,992 - In what? - Debt. 158 00:08:50,062 --> 00:08:52,997 Huh. I know that game. 159 00:09:01,607 --> 00:09:03,802 I'm gonna get a beer. You want one? Great. 160 00:09:03,876 --> 00:09:07,471 Uh, yeah. 161 00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,317 - Nice cover, dick. - Thanks. 162 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:15,047 - So Sweet Dee's in? - Yeah. Uh, under one condition. 163 00:09:15,121 --> 00:09:18,215 - What? - She gets to punch you in the face. 164 00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:20,725 - What? - Right in the face. 165 00:09:20,793 --> 00:09:22,818 - Why? - The Christmas party. 166 00:09:22,895 --> 00:09:24,829 How about that game against Dallas... 167 00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:27,024 when Santa came out at halftime and we threw batteries? 168 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,168 She grabbed me from behind. It was instinctual. 169 00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:32,170 I know that, man. You don't grab. 170 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:34,297 - You don't grab from behind. - Not from behind. 171 00:09:34,373 --> 00:09:37,206 That sucks because if Sweet Dee's out, we need to find another girl quickly. 172 00:09:37,276 --> 00:09:40,712 Uh, well... We, uh, you know... 173 00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:44,876 We kind of need her. We kind of need Sweet Dee. 174 00:09:44,951 --> 00:09:49,149 You're sayin'... Are you talking about letting Sweet Dee punch me in my face? 175 00:09:49,221 --> 00:09:51,212 Charlie has cancer. 176 00:09:58,464 --> 00:10:00,796 "So you're new here, yeah? Who are you?" 177 00:10:00,866 --> 00:10:04,029 Who am I? 178 00:10:04,103 --> 00:10:07,470 I'm just a small-town girl... 179 00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:10,668 who moved to the big city with big dreams... 180 00:10:10,743 --> 00:10:12,973 just to find out... 181 00:10:13,045 --> 00:10:16,276 the only way to make it in the big city... 182 00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:18,817 is to shake it. 183 00:10:18,884 --> 00:10:21,182 And that's what I do... 184 00:10:21,253 --> 00:10:24,620 at the Coyote Ugly. 185 00:10:24,690 --> 00:10:26,624 End scene. 186 00:10:26,692 --> 00:10:28,660 Wow. 187 00:10:28,728 --> 00:10:31,322 Artemis, that was amazing. 188 00:10:31,397 --> 00:10:33,695 Wow! That really means a lot. 189 00:10:34,867 --> 00:10:37,392 But you won't be seeing me in class anymore. 190 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:40,200 I lost my job at the Wawa. 191 00:10:40,272 --> 00:10:42,365 I'm sorry. Are you doing another scene? L... I... 192 00:10:42,441 --> 00:10:45,171 I won't be able to pay my bills! 193 00:10:45,244 --> 00:10:48,304 I'm thinkin' about goin' on welfare! 194 00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:51,839 What am I gonna do? 195 00:10:51,917 --> 00:10:55,717 - Oh, my God! Ow. - Okay. 196 00:11:03,462 --> 00:11:05,362 - Hello? - Hey, Dennis. It's Dee. 197 00:11:05,431 --> 00:11:08,059 I was... What are you listening to? 198 00:11:08,134 --> 00:11:10,261 Uh, Rick Astley. What's up? 199 00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:13,134 Oh, nothing. Only I just solved all of our problems. 200 00:11:13,205 --> 00:11:16,470 - Really? - Mm-hmm. Except for Charlie and the whole cancer thing. 201 00:11:16,542 --> 00:11:19,170 But I did figure out how to get help at the bar. 202 00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:21,770 - Sweet Dee, we talked about this. - No, no. Just listen. 203 00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:24,441 I was thinking we could do that whole Coyote Ugly theme. 204 00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:26,815 You know, where the girls dance on top of the bars... 205 00:11:26,886 --> 00:11:29,116 - take their bras off and stuff. - I'm listening. 206 00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:32,555 Okay, well, I have a friend who would be absolutely perfect for it. 207 00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:34,957 She'd work for tips only. And she would even come in... 208 00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:37,495 and interview with you, so you could see if you liked her. 209 00:11:37,563 --> 00:11:40,760 Would she wear the, uh, hot pants, tank top, wanna-hump-hump pumps? 210 00:11:40,833 --> 00:11:42,767 - Oh, yeah. - Do it. 211 00:11:42,835 --> 00:11:44,769 Okay. Only under one condition. 212 00:11:44,837 --> 00:11:47,772 I don't wanna help you get that waitress to sleep with Charlie. 213 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:49,808 Oh, come on, Sis. We need you. 214 00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:53,868 Okay, you know what? You gotta choose. Charlie's waitress or a hot new bartender? 215 00:11:56,615 --> 00:11:58,515 - Sweet Dee's out. - What? 216 00:11:58,584 --> 00:12:01,382 Yeah. She's too busy training this new bartender. 217 00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:04,617 Apparently, she's got this hot new friend who sh-she... 218 00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:08,149 - Hey. - Hey. 219 00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:10,195 - Hi. - Carmen. 220 00:12:10,262 --> 00:12:13,595 - Dennis. - That's a three-pointer. 221 00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:17,760 What are you guys, uh... What are you doin'? 222 00:12:18,804 --> 00:12:21,068 Just watchin' a basketball game. 223 00:12:22,908 --> 00:12:24,773 Oh. 224 00:12:24,844 --> 00:12:26,869 I was just leaving actually. 225 00:12:26,946 --> 00:12:29,744 Oh, oh, no, no, no. You know what? I was gonna leave. 226 00:12:29,815 --> 00:12:31,749 I mean, you... you... you could... 227 00:12:31,817 --> 00:12:35,150 No, it's okay. I've got a hair appointment in, like, 20 minutes. 228 00:12:35,221 --> 00:12:38,679 - It was nice to see you. - It was good to see you. 229 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:41,625 - So I'll see you tonight? - Oh. Mm-hmm. 230 00:12:41,694 --> 00:12:43,662 - I'll pick you up at 8:00? - Cool. 231 00:12:45,831 --> 00:12:49,198 Okay. 232 00:12:54,406 --> 00:12:58,035 - She's gettin' it removed. - So what? 233 00:12:59,178 --> 00:13:01,112 I'm just puttin' in my time, you know? 234 00:13:01,180 --> 00:13:03,273 - So that afterwards I'll be... - Gross, dude. 235 00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:06,147 First. 236 00:13:06,218 --> 00:13:08,186 Gross. 237 00:13:22,834 --> 00:13:25,803 - This is just pathetic. - Yeah. 238 00:13:25,870 --> 00:13:30,034 - All right. Let's roll. - W-Wait. Well... Well, what's the plan? 239 00:13:30,108 --> 00:13:32,668 The plan is that you're gonna distract Charlie, okay? 240 00:13:32,744 --> 00:13:36,510 I'm gonna march up to that waitress, tell her that he has cancer. All right? 241 00:13:36,581 --> 00:13:39,482 She's gonna feel sorry for him, and then she's gonna sleep with him. 242 00:13:39,551 --> 00:13:41,985 That's not gonna work. You can't just do that. 243 00:13:42,053 --> 00:13:44,044 Well, what do you wanna do? 244 00:13:47,792 --> 00:13:50,955 - Hey, Dennis. - Charlie has cancer. 245 00:13:51,029 --> 00:13:53,554 Really? 246 00:13:53,631 --> 00:13:56,862 - Yeah. - That's so sad. 247 00:13:56,935 --> 00:13:58,903 Yeah. 248 00:14:00,005 --> 00:14:02,565 Are you okay? 249 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:05,837 - Yeah. I'm... I'm all right. - Yeah? 250 00:14:17,355 --> 00:14:21,348 - You did what? - I slept with her. 251 00:14:21,426 --> 00:14:23,360 Charlie's been in love with that girl for months. 252 00:14:23,428 --> 00:14:26,056 I know, man. I don't know what happened. I mentioned the cancer thing. 253 00:14:26,131 --> 00:14:28,395 - She instantly started comin' on to me. - Really? 254 00:14:28,466 --> 00:14:30,661 Yeah. You were right about that. 255 00:14:30,735 --> 00:14:33,602 Cancer... gold mine. 256 00:14:33,671 --> 00:14:37,107 - What... What are we gonna do? - Don't worry. I got a plan. 257 00:14:37,175 --> 00:14:39,234 Bam. 258 00:14:40,311 --> 00:14:42,871 Bam? What's that? 259 00:14:42,947 --> 00:14:44,881 $200. 260 00:14:44,949 --> 00:14:47,747 - Why? - Well, Dennis was thinking that that might help... 261 00:14:47,819 --> 00:14:50,379 convince you to sleep with our friend Charlie. 262 00:14:51,456 --> 00:14:54,016 Gross. 263 00:14:54,092 --> 00:14:56,890 - 250. - Deal. 264 00:15:02,333 --> 00:15:04,267 Hey, Carmen! 265 00:15:04,335 --> 00:15:06,303 Hey, yo, Carmen! 266 00:15:07,806 --> 00:15:10,536 - Hey. - Charlie has cancer. 267 00:15:10,608 --> 00:15:12,576 Oh, my God! 268 00:15:12,644 --> 00:15:15,704 You poor baby. I'll be right down. 269 00:16:03,895 --> 00:16:06,796 Hey, Dennis! Could you help me with this keg, please? 270 00:16:06,865 --> 00:16:09,561 Uh, I slept a little funny on my neck. 271 00:16:09,634 --> 00:16:13,400 Hey, is your friend gonna be doin' stuff like this? 272 00:16:13,471 --> 00:16:15,371 - Um... - Hello. 273 00:16:17,175 --> 00:16:20,633 - Can I help you? - I'm Artemis. 274 00:16:20,712 --> 00:16:24,239 - Okay. - I'm here for the audition. 275 00:16:30,722 --> 00:16:33,520 I'm just a small-town girl... 276 00:16:33,591 --> 00:16:36,651 who moved to the big city with big dreams... 277 00:16:36,728 --> 00:16:39,219 just to find out... 278 00:16:39,297 --> 00:16:41,822 the only way to make it in the big city... 279 00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:44,767 is to shake it. 280 00:16:45,970 --> 00:16:47,961 That's what I do. 281 00:16:48,039 --> 00:16:51,634 Shake it. Shake it. 282 00:16:51,709 --> 00:16:53,939 You wanna see me shake it? 283 00:16:54,012 --> 00:16:56,412 Of course you do. 284 00:16:56,481 --> 00:16:58,949 They all do. 285 00:16:59,017 --> 00:17:01,679 I shake it. 286 00:17:01,753 --> 00:17:04,381 Shake it. I shake it. 287 00:17:04,455 --> 00:17:08,152 I shake it. I shake it. I sha... 288 00:17:11,129 --> 00:17:13,996 You cannot possibly have thought that this was gonna be a good idea. 289 00:17:14,065 --> 00:17:17,728 Oh, you know what? This is so you. I tell you I need some help behind the bar. 290 00:17:17,802 --> 00:17:20,430 I finally find someone who's perfect, and she'll practically work for free. 291 00:17:20,505 --> 00:17:23,372 And just 'cause she doesn't have the right measurements or whatever, you freak out. 292 00:17:23,441 --> 00:17:26,069 Oh, you just want somebody to do all the grunt work for you. 293 00:17:26,144 --> 00:17:28,135 - Shh! She's gonna hear you. - I don't care! 294 00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:30,181 Hey-oh! 295 00:17:30,248 --> 00:17:33,115 What's goin' on? Gotta pee. 296 00:17:39,891 --> 00:17:41,825 - Hey, buddy? - Dennis! 297 00:17:41,893 --> 00:17:45,329 - What's goin' on, man? You seem really happy. - Uh, I feel pretty happy. 298 00:17:45,396 --> 00:17:47,421 - Do you? What happened? - I think you know what happened. 299 00:17:47,498 --> 00:17:48,988 Uh, I might. 300 00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:52,002 - Yeah. I think you do know. You talked to that waitress, right? - Yeah. 301 00:17:52,070 --> 00:17:55,836 It totally worked. It totally... I don't know what you said, but we went out on this date. 302 00:17:55,907 --> 00:17:58,171 - She really likes me. So thank you, man. - You're welcome, man! 303 00:17:58,243 --> 00:18:00,643 - Yeah, you seem flush. You seem like a... - I feel like a... 304 00:18:00,712 --> 00:18:03,510 I feel like an ice cream sundae, you know? 305 00:18:03,581 --> 00:18:06,846 That's great, man. That is terrific. It must really take your mind off things then, huh? 306 00:18:06,918 --> 00:18:09,352 Sure, yeah. What things? 307 00:18:09,420 --> 00:18:12,389 Well, you know, the... cancer. 308 00:18:21,933 --> 00:18:25,425 Here's the thing though... about cancer. 309 00:18:25,503 --> 00:18:27,494 I don't have it. 310 00:18:31,342 --> 00:18:33,276 What? 311 00:18:33,344 --> 00:18:36,245 Mom, I'm telling you, this girl's amazing. 312 00:18:36,314 --> 00:18:39,374 Yeah, I got butterflies in my stomach. 313 00:18:39,450 --> 00:18:41,918 There's one little issue. Yeah. Oh! 314 00:18:41,986 --> 00:18:45,444 Oh, my God! I think you broke my nose! 315 00:18:45,523 --> 00:18:48,321 - That guy's beatin' on that chick! - Oh, my God! 316 00:18:48,393 --> 00:18:51,760 Oh, no. You know what? It's a dude. Yeah, she has a penis. So it's okay. 317 00:18:51,829 --> 00:18:55,230 - Dude, isn't that a hate crime? - Shit, yeah, it's a hate crime! 318 00:18:58,836 --> 00:19:01,600 - How could you do this? - Oh, well, excuse me for bein'... 319 00:19:01,673 --> 00:19:03,732 - the most terrible man on the planet! - L... I'm sorry. 320 00:19:03,808 --> 00:19:06,504 - Oh, I'm a terrible man! - What are you doing? What is that? 321 00:19:06,577 --> 00:19:09,171 - We thought you were dying, Charlie. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 322 00:19:09,247 --> 00:19:11,147 - Who's we? - Me and Mac and Sweet Dee. 323 00:19:11,215 --> 00:19:13,342 Oh, great! Great. I told you not to tell anyone! 324 00:19:13,418 --> 00:19:16,910 Now I'm gonna have to go into remission or something so they don't think I was lying. 325 00:19:16,988 --> 00:19:19,582 - You were lying! - Yeah. I lied to you, all right? 326 00:19:19,657 --> 00:19:22,023 Look. The girl... she wears a Lance Armstrong bracelet. 327 00:19:22,093 --> 00:19:24,789 Okay? So I tell you that I have cancer, right? 328 00:19:24,862 --> 00:19:27,592 Then you're gonna tell her. She's gonna feel sorry for me. 329 00:19:27,665 --> 00:19:30,327 We're gonna start dating. And that's the way that life works, man! 330 00:19:30,401 --> 00:19:33,461 - That was a horrible thing to do! - Well, I'm a bad guy then. 331 00:19:33,538 --> 00:19:36,166 - You are a bad guy! You lied to us. - All right, look at this. 332 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:38,538 Sometimes you gotta crack a few eggs to make an omelet. 333 00:19:38,609 --> 00:19:41,601 - You gotta crack a couple eggs to make an omelet? - You gotta crack an egg. 334 00:19:41,679 --> 00:19:43,874 - So you're throwing down life lessons now? - I'm throwin' down eggs! 335 00:19:43,948 --> 00:19:45,973 Class is in session. The teacher's teachin' class now! 336 00:19:46,050 --> 00:19:48,746 - I'm crackin' eggs of wisdom. - Is that what you're doin'? 337 00:19:48,820 --> 00:19:52,381 - Let me crack one more egg for you and throw it in the omelet! - You got an egg? 338 00:19:52,457 --> 00:19:54,516 - The waitress doesn't even like you. - Yeah? 339 00:19:54,592 --> 00:19:59,154 - We had to pay her $250 to have sex with you! - Aha! Because... 340 00:20:01,199 --> 00:20:03,190 Sex? 341 00:20:05,103 --> 00:20:07,037 We didn't have sex. 342 00:20:21,085 --> 00:20:23,280 Hey! Guess what, Dee. You're gonna love this. No, no, no. 343 00:20:23,354 --> 00:20:25,379 Give me a second. Charlie was lying the whole time. 344 00:20:25,456 --> 00:20:27,686 - He doesn't have cancer. - Well, how could you not tell me... 345 00:20:27,759 --> 00:20:29,818 - that you paid her to have sex with me? - What? 346 00:20:34,832 --> 00:20:36,766 I don't understand how you could possibly be so... 347 00:20:36,834 --> 00:20:39,359 You can't lie about having cancer! It's not something you do! 348 00:20:39,437 --> 00:20:41,371 - We thought you were dying! - Guys, guys, guys, listen! 349 00:20:41,439 --> 00:20:44,272 You're never gonna believe what happened! I accidentally punched that tranny in the face. 350 00:20:44,342 --> 00:20:46,606 These two guys started chasing me. Dee, get me a beer. 351 00:20:46,677 --> 00:20:49,510 It was unbelievable. I ran all the way here. Go. 352 00:20:58,523 --> 00:21:00,457 - Hey. - Hey. 353 00:21:00,525 --> 00:21:03,585 Hey, what the hell do you guys want? 354 00:21:03,661 --> 00:21:07,153 - Well, it's funny. It's a, uh... It's a funny, funny thing. - It's funny. 355 00:21:07,231 --> 00:21:09,995 Uh, we paid you $250 to sleep with Charlie and... 356 00:21:10,067 --> 00:21:12,001 And you never actually had sex with him. 357 00:21:12,069 --> 00:21:14,537 So we were wondering if we could get the 250 bucks back. 358 00:21:14,605 --> 00:21:17,096 If you could toss that back our way, that'd be great. 359 00:21:27,552 --> 00:21:29,543 - Is it... Is it locked? - Yeah. 360 00:21:31,322 --> 00:21:33,688 She's probably gettin' the money though, right? 361 00:21:39,397 --> 00:21:42,059 Dennis! 30595

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