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Okay, it's 2:30
2
00:00:02,348 --> 00:00:05,146
on a Wednesday, Philadelphia, PA.
3
00:00:05,147 --> 00:00:06,535
Hello, America.
4
00:00:06,536 --> 00:00:09,551
Mac here with another
installment of Project Bad ass.
5
00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:13,857
As you can see, the ramp
is about 40 feet down there.
6
00:00:13,938 --> 00:00:18,332
I will now light the
pyrotechnics... which are
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00:00:18,333 --> 00:00:22,285
attached at the arms and
back and all over my pants.
8
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'Cause I know what it means
Totally and completely badass.
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00:00:24,871 --> 00:00:26,107
Here we go.
10
00:00:26,272 --> 00:00:30,084
Three, two, one...
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- Oh, Jesus.
- You see what I was going for, right?
12
00:00:39,290 --> 00:00:41,420
- How badass is that?
- You know what, man?
13
00:00:41,421 --> 00:00:43,264
I actually found that to be
pretty goddamn entertaing.
14
00:00:43,265 --> 00:00:44,616
- Yeah, dude.
- I got to be honest with you.
15
00:00:44,617 --> 00:00:46,733
- Now you have some more of those?
- Oh, man, I got a shitload of those.
16
00:00:46,734 --> 00:00:48,341
Yeah. I've been working
my ass off on these videos.
17
00:00:48,342 --> 00:00:50,273
Now has Charlie seen these?
I bet he would love 'em.
18
00:00:50,274 --> 00:00:51,423
Yeah, I showed it to him.
19
00:00:51,424 --> 00:00:54,223
He acted like he liked it...
in fact he even asked me to keep
20
00:00:54,224 --> 00:00:56,345
one of the videocassettes
for multiple views...
21
00:00:56,346 --> 00:00:58,548
and then when I wasn't
around, I saw him smashing one.
22
00:00:58,549 --> 00:00:59,728
Smashing it?
23
00:00:59,729 --> 00:01:01,515
Dude, I don't know what his
problem is, but he's been
24
00:01:01,516 --> 00:01:04,706
completely pissing me off recently.
I worked so hard on those tapes.
25
00:01:04,707 --> 00:01:05,955
Why?
26
00:01:06,869 --> 00:01:08,369
Why?
27
00:01:08,628 --> 00:01:10,657
To show how badass I am.
28
00:01:10,658 --> 00:01:13,114
Code Red! Code Red, guys!
29
00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:15,756
Guys, we got a Code Red on our hands!
30
00:01:15,757 --> 00:01:17,760
Oh, my God, check it out.
31
00:01:17,761 --> 00:01:21,672
Now according to my sources in the
field, the waitress is seeing somebody.
32
00:01:21,673 --> 00:01:24,837
- Do you know who this guy is?
- No. I have no idea, man.
33
00:01:24,838 --> 00:01:27,050
I just got a shady read-out of the guy.
34
00:01:27,051 --> 00:01:29,920
I tell you what, Mac, seeing
as how you're my best friend...
35
00:01:29,981 --> 00:01:31,781
maybe you can look into it for me.
36
00:01:31,782 --> 00:01:33,693
You know, go down there,
snoop around the shop.
37
00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:35,348
Can I stop you for a second?
38
00:01:35,349 --> 00:01:37,177
I'm sorry, I'm a little confused here.
39
00:01:37,221 --> 00:01:39,004
You just said that he
was your best friend.
40
00:01:39,005 --> 00:01:40,940
How is he your best friend over me?
41
00:01:41,221 --> 00:01:44,277
Well, I mean, you banged the waitress.
42
00:01:44,278 --> 00:01:46,520
do I even have to explain that to you?
43
00:01:46,521 --> 00:01:47,992
That kind of rubbed
me the wrong way, dude.
44
00:01:47,993 --> 00:01:51,603
I mean, you know, I don't see
how that should factor in to
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00:01:51,604 --> 00:01:53,313
whether we're best friends or not.
46
00:01:53,314 --> 00:01:54,929
You know, to be honest with
you, man, I'm a little shocked.
47
00:01:54,930 --> 00:01:57,293
I'm kind of... I'm thunder struck.
48
00:01:57,294 --> 00:02:00,022
I'm sorry, man, but you know,
I didn't mean to hurt you,
49
00:02:00,023 --> 00:02:01,557
I didn't mean to thunder
strike you, but that's
50
00:02:01,558 --> 00:02:03,758
I don't know what else to tell
you. What do you want to hear?
51
00:02:03,759 --> 00:02:06,480
I need for you to explain to
me how it is that you consider
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00:02:06,481 --> 00:02:09,121
- Mac to be a better friend to you.
- This is just becoming awkward.
53
00:02:09,122 --> 00:02:11,892
When I have a real problem, and all of a
sudden, it's about some weird feelings thing.
54
00:02:11,893 --> 00:02:14,366
And it's not about your
feelings right now, it's about
55
00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:16,257
my feelings 'cause I
have a problem, okay?
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00:02:16,258 --> 00:02:19,432
Now, Mac, please, do you think you can
find this guy and kick his ass for me?
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00:02:19,433 --> 00:02:22,177
Absolutely, bro. I will find
this guy and I will kick his ass.
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00:02:22,178 --> 00:02:23,596
And you know why?
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Because you and I are best friends.
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00:02:28,354 --> 00:02:30,040
He's on to us.
61
00:02:30,041 --> 00:02:34,453
its always sunny in philly 404
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Synchro : Flolo
63
00:03:06,038 --> 00:03:07,562
Hey, what's up, buddy?
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00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:08,648
- Hey, man.
- How are you?
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00:03:08,649 --> 00:03:11,218
Good. So look, I'm only going
to be here like a night or two,
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00:03:11,219 --> 00:03:13,369
until Mac and I take
care of a little business.
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00:03:13,370 --> 00:03:15,285
Okay, listen, man, you stay
as long as you want to, man,
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00:03:15,286 --> 00:03:16,999
'cause that's what, you
know, that's what friends do:
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00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,854
they let each other stay
at each other's apartments,
70
00:03:18,855 --> 00:03:20,697
- and they hang out with each other, and...
- Absolutely.
71
00:03:20,698 --> 00:03:22,946
And we can do that, do some
bonding, go over the best friend
72
00:03:22,947 --> 00:03:25,584
- thing a couple more times.
- Yeah, bro?
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00:03:25,838 --> 00:03:27,842
Where are you going with that?
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00:03:27,870 --> 00:03:30,475
I was just going to throw
your sleeping bag in my room.
75
00:03:30,476 --> 00:03:32,492
'Cause you can stay with me.
76
00:03:32,493 --> 00:03:36,597
yeah... I was going
to stay in Mac's room.
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I'm sure he wouldn't mind.
Hey, my room's a lot bigger.
78
00:03:39,195 --> 00:03:42,341
I was going to stick
with the plan here, so...
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00:03:42,342 --> 00:03:45,596
Okay, listen, man, since you're
here and you've got all this beer,
80
00:03:45,597 --> 00:03:48,153
let's crack a couple of
them open. Let's get tipsy.
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00:03:48,154 --> 00:03:52,497
Yeah, but the beer is for
me and Mac, you know, to...
82
00:03:52,498 --> 00:03:55,782
- It doesn't have to be though.
- to celebrate the ass-kicking.
83
00:03:55,783 --> 00:04:00,570
Well, I mean there's... 24 beers
there, if I'm counting right.
84
00:04:00,571 --> 00:04:02,549
- 12 for me and 12 for Mac.
- 12 for Mac...
85
00:04:02,550 --> 00:04:04,529
That's sort of our thing that we do.
86
00:04:04,530 --> 00:04:07,873
You guys are really going to drink
that many, just the two of you tonight?
87
00:04:08,051 --> 00:04:10,619
We could do something else.
Let's do something else.
88
00:04:10,620 --> 00:04:12,156
Hey, board games, man.
89
00:04:12,157 --> 00:04:14,492
Let's have a board game night.
Chinese checkers, I got...
90
00:04:14,493 --> 00:04:16,325
- That's kind of foreign, so...
- I got...
91
00:04:16,326 --> 00:04:19,701
I got Clue, you know, we
could solve a mystery together.
92
00:04:19,702 --> 00:04:21,479
- We could...
- Complicated stuff there.
93
00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:23,074
What about Connect Four?
94
00:04:23,075 --> 00:04:25,220
- Connect Four's a fun game.
- I don't like counting.
95
00:04:25,221 --> 00:04:26,910
It's not that much counting.
96
00:04:26,911 --> 00:04:29,655
It's just one, two, three,
and then four, you win.
97
00:04:29,656 --> 00:04:31,922
But a lot... a lot of times,
you got to count that much.
98
00:04:31,923 --> 00:04:34,602
Not that many times. If you get
it once, you've won the game.
99
00:04:34,603 --> 00:04:37,543
So... you're...
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00:04:37,544 --> 00:04:39,835
- Have you ever spent any...
- Kind of in...
101
00:04:39,836 --> 00:04:41,133
- I'm in your way.
- ... in my way.
102
00:04:41,134 --> 00:04:42,761
I'm in your way.
103
00:04:44,986 --> 00:04:46,756
Cool.
104
00:04:49,032 --> 00:04:51,198
hey, let's watch a movie.
105
00:04:51,199 --> 00:04:53,064
That's simple. That
doesn't require any...
106
00:04:53,065 --> 00:04:54,933
We could just sit down and,
like, watch... I bought...
107
00:04:54,934 --> 00:04:56,814
I bought a bunch of new DVDs.
108
00:04:56,815 --> 00:04:59,872
Yeah... I got a lot of work to do.
109
00:04:59,958 --> 00:05:01,945
what are you...? What is that?
110
00:05:01,946 --> 00:05:05,512
Oh, nothing. Just got a couple
long-range walkie-talkies.
111
00:05:05,513 --> 00:05:07,523
Oh, cool. Did you get one for me?
112
00:05:07,524 --> 00:05:12,201
I did... not.
113
00:05:14,297 --> 00:05:17,322
Oh, that's all right. I mean
we could probably just...
114
00:05:18,316 --> 00:05:20,492
Who has, who has the other one?
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00:05:21,258 --> 00:05:23,139
Mac probably.
116
00:05:29,747 --> 00:05:31,948
All right, let's do this.
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00:05:31,949 --> 00:05:33,473
- What are you doing?
- Popping my pants off.
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00:05:33,474 --> 00:05:35,993
- Why?
- Because we're gonna bang.
119
00:05:35,994 --> 00:05:38,624
To shove it into Charlie's
face for smashing my tape.
120
00:05:38,625 --> 00:05:39,792
How many times do we
have to go through this?
121
00:05:39,793 --> 00:05:42,240
Dude, look, I know what your
little plan is, but if I'm going
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00:05:42,241 --> 00:05:44,235
to bang you, it's going to
be on my own terms, okay?
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00:05:44,236 --> 00:05:46,374
There's some things
that I need from you.
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00:05:46,375 --> 00:05:47,546
All right, whatever.
125
00:05:47,547 --> 00:05:49,527
I'll wear the goddamn condom,
but I'm not psyched about it.
126
00:05:49,528 --> 00:05:51,051
This isn't about condoms.
127
00:05:51,052 --> 00:05:54,018
What...? Do you really not wear condoms
when you have sex with strangers?
128
00:05:54,019 --> 00:05:56,428
- Why would I wear a condom...?
- Okay, I don't care. I don't care.
129
00:05:56,429 --> 00:05:58,550
You know what, I just need you
to get me in Dennis' house alone
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00:05:58,551 --> 00:06:00,262
- so I can get something back from him.
- What?
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00:06:00,263 --> 00:06:01,961
None of your business.
132
00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:03,793
- Is it a sex tape?
- No.
133
00:06:04,129 --> 00:06:05,958
Yes. How do you know that?
134
00:06:05,959 --> 00:06:07,630
Yeah, because he videotapes
every chick he bangs.
135
00:06:07,631 --> 00:06:09,671
He's got like a thousand of
them. I don't like 'em though.
136
00:06:09,672 --> 00:06:12,339
It's mostly that horrible
angle that you see in porns,
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00:06:12,340 --> 00:06:15,143
you know, where it's all
balls and male ass just...
138
00:06:16,289 --> 00:06:17,838
That is disgusting.
139
00:06:17,839 --> 00:06:19,405
Who likes that? Who finds that sexy?
140
00:06:19,406 --> 00:06:20,947
- That is disgusting.
- I don't know anybody...
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00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:22,575
- Are there balls and asshole men...
- Okay, please stop. Please stop doing that.
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00:06:22,576 --> 00:06:24,840
Friend one, best friend
two, come in. Over.
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00:06:25,397 --> 00:06:27,942
I'm gonna take this, and then,
144
00:06:27,943 --> 00:06:29,576
maybe a little bit later
we could do some hand stuff.
145
00:06:29,577 --> 00:06:31,806
- Are you in junior high?
- Mouth stuff?
146
00:06:31,807 --> 00:06:33,435
- Oh, my God.
- Mouth stuff.
147
00:06:33,436 --> 00:06:35,070
- I'll talk to you in a minute.
- Best friend one to best friend two.
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00:06:35,071 --> 00:06:37,500
Okay, what's the status
there, best friend two?
149
00:06:37,501 --> 00:06:39,800
You make contact with the target?
150
00:06:40,282 --> 00:06:43,110
Yeah, affirmative. I
totally kicked his ass.
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00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:44,385
Good man!
152
00:06:44,386 --> 00:06:46,770
Hey, what was this jerk's name?
153
00:06:47,344 --> 00:06:49,274
His name...
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00:06:49,275 --> 00:06:50,584
Don.
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00:06:50,858 --> 00:06:52,554
Don. Typical.
156
00:06:52,555 --> 00:06:54,562
Did you get a last name on this chump?
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00:06:54,563 --> 00:06:56,278
Yeah, Johnson.
158
00:06:56,279 --> 00:06:58,670
Yeah, sounds like a real sucker.
159
00:06:58,671 --> 00:07:01,519
Actually, no. He had some pretty
sweet moves, but I totally...
160
00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:02,983
round housed him.
161
00:07:02,984 --> 00:07:05,159
Took him out. My form
is pretty perfect, so.
162
00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:08,256
Sure you did. I'm sure you
did. All right, that's my man.
163
00:07:08,257 --> 00:07:09,583
That's my best friend right there.
164
00:07:09,584 --> 00:07:12,174
Hey, why don't you head back to
the nest for some pizza and beer,
165
00:07:12,175 --> 00:07:15,038
best friend one, over and out.
166
00:07:16,972 --> 00:07:19,948
He forgot to say "over and
out." I can't believe that.
167
00:07:19,949 --> 00:07:21,386
He's lying.
168
00:07:22,445 --> 00:07:25,630
He's spinning you a
web of lies, Charlie.
169
00:07:25,803 --> 00:07:27,906
What are you talking about, dude?
170
00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:30,052
"Don Johnson."
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00:07:31,036 --> 00:07:33,581
You don't find that a little suspicious?
172
00:07:33,750 --> 00:07:36,059
No. Should I?
173
00:07:36,741 --> 00:07:40,245
Don Johnson's the dude
from Miami Vice,Charlie.
174
00:07:40,368 --> 00:07:43,983
I'm sure there's plenty of Don
Johnsons running around Philly, dude.
175
00:07:43,984 --> 00:07:45,367
I don't think so.
176
00:07:45,368 --> 00:07:48,280
then maybe he beat up the, Don
Johnson you're talking about.
177
00:07:48,281 --> 00:07:50,535
No, no. It's something else.
178
00:07:50,536 --> 00:07:55,072
Something stinks here, bro, and
it is not just Mac's dirty socks.
179
00:07:55,073 --> 00:07:57,218
- They do stink, don't they?
- They smell really bad.
180
00:07:57,219 --> 00:07:58,515
Really bad.
181
00:07:58,516 --> 00:08:01,075
I'm surprised you've been able to
be in here for this long without
182
00:08:01,076 --> 00:08:02,387
- cracking a window or something.
- It has not been easy.
183
00:08:02,388 --> 00:08:03,737
- I should crack a window.
- You really should.
184
00:08:03,738 --> 00:08:05,729
I tried. It's like they're
sealed shut or something.
185
00:08:05,730 --> 00:08:07,843
I hate to say this, bro, but...
186
00:08:08,477 --> 00:08:11,121
I think Mac's banging the waitress.
187
00:08:11,921 --> 00:08:13,386
What are you talking about?
188
00:08:13,387 --> 00:08:15,459
Now, I can't say for sure.
189
00:08:15,460 --> 00:08:17,474
I don't have any hard
evidence, but that's just what
190
00:08:17,475 --> 00:08:21,531
it feels like from where I'm standing,
man and he's gonna break your heart, man.
191
00:08:21,718 --> 00:08:25,271
And when he breaks your heart,
I'll be here to pick up the pieces
192
00:08:25,272 --> 00:08:27,448
and put you back together
193
00:08:27,544 --> 00:08:30,916
'cause that's what a
real best friend does.
194
00:08:33,943 --> 00:08:35,996
You know where to find me.
195
00:08:36,940 --> 00:08:38,748
Over and out.
196
00:08:43,048 --> 00:08:45,015
Oh, my God.
197
00:08:55,104 --> 00:08:56,846
Jesus Christ, dude.
198
00:08:56,847 --> 00:08:58,805
You scared the shit outta me.
199
00:08:58,806 --> 00:09:01,285
It's a little late, isn't it?
200
00:09:02,714 --> 00:09:03,870
Yeah.
201
00:09:03,871 --> 00:09:06,021
Yeah. What are, what
are you still doing up?
202
00:09:06,022 --> 00:09:08,013
Oh, well, you know...
203
00:09:08,014 --> 00:09:10,431
I was just waiting for my...
204
00:09:11,017 --> 00:09:13,193
my best friend.
205
00:09:13,194 --> 00:09:14,376
Right.
206
00:09:14,377 --> 00:09:17,387
Well... I went on a long walk, so...
207
00:09:17,388 --> 00:09:19,491
Hey, here's an idea for you.
208
00:09:19,619 --> 00:09:24,032
How 'bout you take your mind
off of it with some pizza?
209
00:09:24,107 --> 00:09:25,964
And some beer.
210
00:09:27,198 --> 00:09:28,710
That's right.
211
00:09:29,172 --> 00:09:31,336
I hate all the pizza.
212
00:09:31,337 --> 00:09:33,373
And I had to drink all the beer.
213
00:09:33,374 --> 00:09:36,000
You must be wasted, dude.
24 beers by yourself?
214
00:09:36,001 --> 00:09:38,246
Yeah, and I'm very wasted.
215
00:09:38,247 --> 00:09:40,996
Right. Okay. Why don't
you come to bed, bro.
216
00:09:40,997 --> 00:09:45,247
Ohh, I don't think I'll be
sleeping inyourbed tonight.
217
00:09:45,347 --> 00:09:47,806
Doesn't really feel right.
218
00:09:48,519 --> 00:09:52,097
I feel like it might be a
little bit better for me...
219
00:09:52,590 --> 00:09:55,510
if I spent the night on the couch.
220
00:09:55,511 --> 00:09:56,915
Okay.
221
00:09:56,916 --> 00:09:59,194
That's cool. Just make sure
you go to the bathroom, okay,
222
00:09:59,195 --> 00:10:01,538
before you fall asleep 'cause I don't
want you to piss on the couch again.
223
00:10:01,539 --> 00:10:04,434
Oh, well, we, we wouldn't
want that now, would we?
224
00:10:04,435 --> 00:10:06,196
No! We wouldn't.
225
00:10:06,549 --> 00:10:08,908
'Cause that would be...
226
00:10:08,909 --> 00:10:11,207
a terrible thing to do...
227
00:10:11,285 --> 00:10:13,781
to your best friend.
228
00:10:13,782 --> 00:10:15,945
Seriously, bro, if you piss on the
couch again, you're gonna buy us a...
229
00:10:15,946 --> 00:10:17,570
I'm not gonna piss on the
couch, not gonna happen.
230
00:10:17,571 --> 00:10:19,836
I just wanta be very clear:
you're buying us a new couch.
231
00:10:19,854 --> 00:10:21,610
- I'm in control of myself.
- Don't piss on the couch.
232
00:10:21,611 --> 00:10:23,922
You've done it before.
All right, good night.
233
00:10:23,923 --> 00:10:26,825
Hang in, Joe. Myself.
234
00:10:32,820 --> 00:10:36,128
Didn't sound like best
friend talk out here to me.
235
00:10:37,685 --> 00:10:39,554
It really wasn't.
236
00:10:41,306 --> 00:10:43,581
You want to come in my room?
237
00:10:44,326 --> 00:10:46,994
I guess I was just fine.
238
00:10:46,995 --> 00:10:48,506
Come on, Charlie.
239
00:10:48,507 --> 00:10:51,295
- Come to your real best friend.
- Yeah.
240
00:10:51,504 --> 00:10:53,778
- You're my friend.
- I'm your friend.
241
00:10:53,779 --> 00:10:56,682
- Oh, God, your breath is horrible.
- Sorry. I'm like so drunk.
242
00:10:56,683 --> 00:10:59,255
- Oh, Jesus.
- Just get in the bed.
243
00:11:01,076 --> 00:11:02,896
Oh, my God.
244
00:11:09,588 --> 00:11:11,559
Dennis, wake up.
245
00:11:14,148 --> 00:11:17,086
- What's happening?
- It's really late, dude.
246
00:11:17,167 --> 00:11:19,750
There's a certain situation
developing between myself,
247
00:11:19,751 --> 00:11:22,306
Charlie and the waitress that
I need to talk to you about.
248
00:11:22,307 --> 00:11:23,860
Proceed.
249
00:11:23,861 --> 00:11:27,813
Okay, well, as you know,
Charlie thinks that he and I are
250
00:11:27,814 --> 00:11:30,781
best friends, which is total
bullshit because you know
251
00:11:30,782 --> 00:11:33,001
that what we have is
much stronger than that.
252
00:11:33,002 --> 00:11:35,248
- You and I are blood brothers.
- Oh, most definitely.
253
00:11:35,249 --> 00:11:37,856
Okay, so,asmy blood brother, I
need to confide a secret to you.
254
00:11:37,857 --> 00:11:39,579
You've been banging the waitress?
255
00:11:39,654 --> 00:11:41,720
- How'd you know that?
- You're my blood brother, man.
256
00:11:41,721 --> 00:11:43,598
I know more about you than
you know about yourself.
257
00:11:43,599 --> 00:11:45,977
All right, listen, bro. I
need you to do me a favor.
258
00:11:45,978 --> 00:11:48,292
Can you get Charlie out
of the apartment tomorrow?
259
00:11:48,293 --> 00:11:49,538
Why?
260
00:11:49,539 --> 00:11:51,862
'Cause she wants to bang in your bed.
261
00:11:51,863 --> 00:11:55,011
I don't know. She's obsessed with
you or something. She's a total freak.
262
00:11:55,012 --> 00:11:57,328
But I don't really give
a shit either way because
263
00:11:57,329 --> 00:11:59,586
I just want to rub it in Charlie's face
for smashing my Project Bad ass tape.
264
00:11:59,587 --> 00:12:01,848
Whatever it's gonna take to
finally get you two banging.
265
00:12:01,849 --> 00:12:03,653
Yeah, hey, Dennis, I got you something.
266
00:12:03,654 --> 00:12:05,860
You got me something? What?
267
00:12:05,861 --> 00:12:08,659
- I got you a
walkie-talkie. - Dude...
268
00:12:09,276 --> 00:12:11,892
- That's great.
- That way we can communicate better.
269
00:12:11,893 --> 00:12:14,675
We'll just use a different
channel than Charlie and I use.
270
00:12:14,676 --> 00:12:16,642
- That's awesome, man.
- Yeah, it's great, right?
271
00:12:16,643 --> 00:12:18,032
Actually, yeah.
272
00:12:18,033 --> 00:12:19,676
Let me talk to you.
273
00:12:20,460 --> 00:12:21,948
Well.
274
00:12:27,216 --> 00:12:28,949
What is this?
275
00:12:30,635 --> 00:12:32,603
What am I seeing?
276
00:12:32,604 --> 00:12:34,731
Nothing, man. You're
having a dream right now.
277
00:12:34,732 --> 00:12:36,538
Yeah. Just a dream.
278
00:12:36,539 --> 00:12:38,141
- I'm dreaming?
- Yeah.
279
00:12:38,142 --> 00:12:39,851
- You're dreaming.
- Yeah.
280
00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:42,702
You sure? 'Cause I feel like I'm awake.
281
00:12:42,703 --> 00:12:46,305
No, man. You're... this is
a dream that you're having.
282
00:12:46,306 --> 00:12:47,534
All right.
283
00:12:48,207 --> 00:12:49,682
Am I peeing?
284
00:12:49,683 --> 00:12:51,037
Are you peeing?
285
00:12:51,038 --> 00:12:52,655
- It's all over the bed.
- It's piss. He's peeing.
286
00:12:52,656 --> 00:12:54,463
I told him he was gonna do
it, I knew he was gonna do it.
287
00:12:54,464 --> 00:12:55,861
- He drank too much.
- Goddamn it.
288
00:12:55,862 --> 00:12:58,121
Hey, guys, if I'm
peeing... You're wake me up.
289
00:13:01,207 --> 00:13:04,342
Yeah, bro, but that had to
change your mind about who
290
00:13:04,343 --> 00:13:06,337
your real best friend is, though, huh?
291
00:13:06,338 --> 00:13:08,755
I'll give you this much, dude:
the guy's acting very weird, okay?
292
00:13:08,756 --> 00:13:11,423
But I need proof if I'm
gonna sell him down the river.
293
00:13:11,424 --> 00:13:13,282
Proof? He told me he
was gonna bang her, man.
294
00:13:13,283 --> 00:13:15,209
Maybe the two of you
are plotting against me.
295
00:13:15,210 --> 00:13:17,824
Look, it doesn't matter. I got
a plan to prove it to you anyway.
296
00:13:17,825 --> 00:13:20,450
- All right, what's this plan of yours?
- Walk with me a second.
297
00:13:20,451 --> 00:13:23,819
So, what I did is I planted that
walkie-talkie that Mac gave me in my bedroom.
298
00:13:23,820 --> 00:13:25,698
We're gonna switch your walkie
to that channel and we're gonna
299
00:13:25,699 --> 00:13:28,015
listen to the whole thing. We're gonna
catch that son of a bitch red-handed.
300
00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:29,251
Oh, my God, that'll work.
301
00:13:29,286 --> 00:13:31,461
Yeah, it's gonna work, and the
whole thing's gonna be on tape, too.
302
00:13:31,462 --> 00:13:33,816
So you know that video
camera I keep in my bedroom?
303
00:13:33,892 --> 00:13:36,634
- No.
- I got that bad boy running 24/7.
304
00:13:36,635 --> 00:13:38,822
It's like a security cam
except it's for banging.
305
00:13:38,823 --> 00:13:41,295
- Weird.
- Come into the office with me.
306
00:13:41,762 --> 00:13:45,567
Yeah, he keeps that camera
on nonstop, just in case.
307
00:13:45,568 --> 00:13:46,920
Yeah! Here we go.
308
00:13:46,921 --> 00:13:49,446
"W" through "Z." You
should be under "W," yeah?
309
00:13:49,447 --> 00:13:51,499
No, my name doesn't start with a "W."
310
00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:52,900
"Waitress." Here we go.
311
00:13:52,901 --> 00:13:55,632
"Waitress." One star. Not good.
312
00:13:55,633 --> 00:13:57,827
Oh, just give that to me. One star.
313
00:13:57,828 --> 00:14:00,216
Okay, well, I guess a
deal's a deal, so pop those
314
00:14:00,217 --> 00:14:02,614
- knickers off so we can jam, yeah?
- Not just yet.
315
00:14:02,615 --> 00:14:05,273
- I need one more thing from you.
- Jesus Christ.
316
00:14:05,274 --> 00:14:07,477
I just want to bang at this
point, just to get over with.
317
00:14:07,478 --> 00:14:09,221
Oh, I just want to get it
over with, too, but I want you
318
00:14:09,222 --> 00:14:11,325
to bang me at Charlie
and Frank's apartment.
319
00:14:11,326 --> 00:14:13,027
You want to bang in Charlie
and Frank's apartment?
320
00:14:13,028 --> 00:14:13,920
Yes.
321
00:14:13,921 --> 00:14:16,478
Yeah, that'll be good. Yeah,
we can rub his face in it.
322
00:14:16,652 --> 00:14:19,498
Okay, if we're gonna do that,
we got to be very careful,
323
00:14:19,499 --> 00:14:22,473
'cause I don't want to get caught
slipping in and out before the coitus.
324
00:14:22,530 --> 00:14:24,354
Let's make a plan.
325
00:14:24,355 --> 00:14:27,161
Goddamn it, this doesn't make any
sense, we should be hearing them by now.
326
00:14:27,162 --> 00:14:28,796
We aren't we hearing them?
327
00:14:28,797 --> 00:14:30,481
'Cause I turned it off.
328
00:14:30,482 --> 00:14:32,031
What do you mean, you turned it off?
329
00:14:32,032 --> 00:14:33,444
I don't want to listen to this, man!
330
00:14:33,445 --> 00:14:35,104
- you got to listen to it.
- I don't think I can.
331
00:14:35,105 --> 00:14:36,984
You need to hear him sexing her, okay?
332
00:14:36,985 --> 00:14:39,638
Because the video alone won't be
evidence enough because of the angle.
333
00:14:39,639 --> 00:14:40,848
What's wrong with the angle?
334
00:14:40,849 --> 00:14:42,441
Let's put it this way, you
won't be able to see anybody's
335
00:14:42,442 --> 00:14:44,115
- face, you know what I'm saying?
- Oh, it's the low down...
336
00:14:44,116 --> 00:14:45,961
- You got it.
- I know.
337
00:14:46,024 --> 00:14:49,428
If we're gonna do this,
the only way it's gonna work
338
00:14:49,429 --> 00:14:51,551
is if you're dressed like a man.
339
00:14:51,552 --> 00:14:54,570
- Dressed like a man?
- You want me to dress like a man?
340
00:14:54,571 --> 00:14:56,992
Yeah. The only way it's
really gonna work for me is if
341
00:14:56,993 --> 00:14:58,443
you're dressed like Dennis or Charlie.
342
00:14:58,444 --> 00:15:01,295
I should probably dress like Charlie,
'cause he's kind of my height.
343
00:15:01,510 --> 00:15:05,110
No. No, I'm gonna be Charlie,
you're gonna be Dennis.
344
00:15:05,111 --> 00:15:06,767
That's gonna be much
better for me, trust me.
345
00:15:06,768 --> 00:15:08,119
We'll dress you up in his clothes,
346
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:10,621
and, then, that way we can
slip you in and out with ease.
347
00:15:10,622 --> 00:15:14,559
'Cause we got to be very careful, this
could be a very very messy situation.
348
00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:16,207
'Kay, so I want you to stay behind me.
349
00:15:16,208 --> 00:15:17,895
Get behind me and stay
behind me, the whole time.
350
00:15:17,896 --> 00:15:19,679
I think I want to be in front of you.
351
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:22,408
No, no. You got to be behind
me. I got to have you behind me.
352
00:15:22,409 --> 00:15:25,298
- What the hell is that all about, man?
- I don't know.
353
00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:28,572
Now, from here on out, I'm gonna
refer to you only as Dennis.
354
00:15:28,573 --> 00:15:31,678
When we slip in, you're
gonna start banging me, hard!
355
00:15:31,679 --> 00:15:33,789
- Okay.
- Good.
356
00:15:35,381 --> 00:15:38,136
Well... Mac's gay.
357
00:15:38,137 --> 00:15:39,958
Blood Brother One to Blood Brother Two.
358
00:15:39,959 --> 00:15:41,247
Are you there, Blood Brother Two?
359
00:15:41,248 --> 00:15:43,149
Yeah, this is Blood
Brother Two... go ahead.
360
00:15:43,150 --> 00:15:45,722
My mission's extremely close to
being complete. But I need a favor.
361
00:15:45,723 --> 00:15:48,446
I need you to get Frank and Charlie
away from their apartment, okay?
362
00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:50,765
I need to get in there
without being detected.
363
00:15:50,766 --> 00:15:53,381
Blood Brother One, over and out!
364
00:15:53,382 --> 00:15:56,296
Now he says "over and out." I can't
believe he just said "over and out."
365
00:15:56,297 --> 00:15:57,845
What do you think he wants
over at your apartment?
366
00:15:57,846 --> 00:16:00,064
I don't know what's
going on with him, man.
367
00:16:00,065 --> 00:16:01,721
Oh, shit, dude, I know what it is.
368
00:16:01,722 --> 00:16:04,056
this is sick, but hear me out.
369
00:16:04,057 --> 00:16:07,371
I think he wants to be you getting
banged by me in your apartment.
370
00:16:08,866 --> 00:16:10,932
It's like role-play!
371
00:16:10,933 --> 00:16:13,592
Oh, God, he's got some sick, twisted
obsession with us, man, and, like...
372
00:16:13,593 --> 00:16:15,848
He's totally obsessed with us.
373
00:16:15,849 --> 00:16:18,319
That's why he's showing us all those videos
and trying to prove to us that he's a badass.
374
00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,503
He wants to impress us
because he's in love with us.
375
00:16:20,504 --> 00:16:22,315
Oh, my God, he's soin love with us.
376
00:16:22,368 --> 00:16:24,082
Oh, my God. dude!
377
00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:25,725
- This is twisted.
- This is dark.
378
00:16:25,775 --> 00:16:28,418
We definitely need to get to about this.
379
00:16:30,721 --> 00:16:32,812
Look, let's just find
a hiding spot, okay?
380
00:16:32,813 --> 00:16:33,845
Okay, good.
381
00:16:33,846 --> 00:16:37,324
I'm thinking if I get in the
bed and I get real low and flat,
382
00:16:37,325 --> 00:16:40,348
and maybe you're underneath me or on
top of me, you know, they won't see us.
383
00:16:40,349 --> 00:16:41,846
Well, how does that work?
384
00:16:41,847 --> 00:16:43,446
Okay, well, see, here's the problem.
385
00:16:43,447 --> 00:16:46,340
If I get all balled up and
small, I get too high, and
386
00:16:46,341 --> 00:16:48,148
you'll see that there's
someone in the bed.
387
00:16:48,150 --> 00:16:50,321
Now, the further and wider I go,
388
00:16:50,322 --> 00:16:53,210
the flatter I become,
like a starfish, you know?
389
00:16:53,211 --> 00:16:54,898
What in the hell are you talking about?
390
00:16:54,899 --> 00:16:56,514
Why would we want to
look like a starfish?
391
00:16:56,515 --> 00:16:59,229
It's just the best hiding spot. There
aren't a lot of good hiding spots here, man.
392
00:16:59,230 --> 00:17:01,442
Yeah, we need to find another one,
'cause we're not hiding in the bed.
393
00:17:06,161 --> 00:17:08,202
These things are covered in piss.
394
00:17:08,203 --> 00:17:09,715
All right, come on.
395
00:17:09,716 --> 00:17:12,614
- Come on! Stay behind me.
- Why are these jeans so tight?
396
00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:16,662
Because Dennis takes them all in at the
thighs to accentuate his female form.
397
00:17:17,764 --> 00:17:20,780
I would never say it to his
face, but Dennis has great thighs.
398
00:17:20,781 --> 00:17:23,630
All right, now, let's stop
talking and start banging.
399
00:17:23,631 --> 00:17:25,070
- We busted you!
- Caught!
400
00:17:25,071 --> 00:17:27,271
- You are busted!
- we're busted?
401
00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:29,472
Because you look pretty busted.
402
00:17:29,473 --> 00:17:31,771
no, this is the best way
to hide in my apartment.
403
00:17:31,772 --> 00:17:34,344
Goddamn it, Charlie, I knew we
shouldn't have done this in the bed!
404
00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:35,865
Why did you have to get on top of me?!
405
00:17:35,866 --> 00:17:39,173
that's the only way to hide and have
it not be noticeable in my apartment!
406
00:17:39,232 --> 00:17:40,613
There's nowhere to hide in here!
407
00:17:40,664 --> 00:17:42,410
- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
408
00:17:42,411 --> 00:17:44,007
- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
409
00:17:44,033 --> 00:17:46,236
Coming in here, talking about how
in love with my thighs you are.
410
00:17:46,237 --> 00:17:48,672
Yeah, or is it my creamy
thighs you're after?
411
00:17:48,704 --> 00:17:50,905
I see you've taken to wearing
my clothes, you sick freak.
412
00:17:50,906 --> 00:17:52,840
Come on, you heard him talking
about my thighs when he came in.
413
00:17:52,841 --> 00:17:54,692
It was my thighs, dude,
it's always been my thighs.
414
00:17:54,693 --> 00:17:56,362
- Were you guys humping?
- No!
415
00:17:56,363 --> 00:17:58,698
Oh, my God, where is the tape?
416
00:17:58,699 --> 00:17:59,718
What?
417
00:17:59,719 --> 00:18:01,645
The sex tape that
Frank made, where is it?
418
00:18:01,646 --> 00:18:03,255
Frank made a sex tape, too?
419
00:18:03,256 --> 00:18:05,641
Yes, apparently, he made
a tape of us having sex
420
00:18:05,642 --> 00:18:07,951
when I banged him to get back at Dennis.
421
00:18:07,952 --> 00:18:10,631
Oh, no, that's gone.
422
00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:12,581
Yeah, all right, here's
what happened, guys.
423
00:18:12,582 --> 00:18:15,310
I thought it was one of Mac's
Project Badasstapes, so I pop
424
00:18:15,311 --> 00:18:18,829
it in the VCR to watch it, I see what
it is, I become violently ill, okay?
425
00:18:18,830 --> 00:18:21,466
Then I start smashing. And I smash good.
426
00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:23,483
So that's what you were smashing.
427
00:18:23,484 --> 00:18:27,231
Oh, my God, bro, I thought you were smashing
my Project Bad ass tape because you hated it.
428
00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:30,014
What, dude? I love Project Bad ass.
I watch those tapes all the time.
429
00:18:30,015 --> 00:18:31,883
Okay, so the sex tape is gone, then?
430
00:18:31,884 --> 00:18:33,559
Yeah. I smashed the
crap out of it. Gone.
431
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,977
Great. Good. Thank you, Charlie. Thanks.
432
00:18:35,978 --> 00:18:37,825
- You're welcome.
- Kind of don't know what else to say.
433
00:18:37,826 --> 00:18:40,738
Say, I will have dinner with you and
thank you for this, and thank you.
434
00:18:40,739 --> 00:18:42,441
- That doesn't make any sense.
- Just say the words...
435
00:18:42,442 --> 00:18:45,095
No, I will never go out
with you. Oh, my God!
436
00:18:45,096 --> 00:18:47,926
I will say them for you.
You should be more grateful!
437
00:18:49,359 --> 00:18:50,871
I'm sorry.
438
00:18:50,872 --> 00:18:52,722
I was gonna bang the witch
just to get back at you, because
439
00:18:52,723 --> 00:18:54,732
I thought you smashed my tape,
and I'm glad I didn't now, right?
440
00:18:54,733 --> 00:18:55,937
'Cause that chick is the worst.
441
00:18:55,938 --> 00:18:57,977
- man, she's terrible, gross.
- Only got one star from me.
442
00:18:57,978 --> 00:18:59,527
- I saw that.
- You're watching my tapes again?
443
00:18:59,528 --> 00:19:01,150
- Yeah.
- What'd you think?
444
00:19:01,151 --> 00:19:02,943
You got weird balls.
445
00:19:02,944 --> 00:19:04,775
You should see Frank's balls.
446
00:19:04,776 --> 00:19:06,679
They're like planets.
447
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:09,433
You know what this all
makes me realize, though?
448
00:19:09,642 --> 00:19:12,556
Is that maybe the three of us
were meant to be best friends...
449
00:19:12,557 --> 00:19:13,663
together.
450
00:19:13,664 --> 00:19:16,494
Yeah, that would 'cause a lot
less problems if we just called
451
00:19:16,495 --> 00:19:19,955
it even, said we're all best buds
and no more turning on each other.
452
00:19:19,956 --> 00:19:22,223
You can have more than
one best friend, right?
453
00:19:22,224 --> 00:19:23,832
- Absolutely.
- Absolutely.
454
00:19:23,833 --> 00:19:25,560
Three best friends.
455
00:19:25,561 --> 00:19:27,474
Yeah, the Three Amigos, huh?
456
00:19:27,475 --> 00:19:29,294
All right! The three...
457
00:19:29,295 --> 00:19:31,382
- Musketeers!
- Blind mice!
458
00:19:31,383 --> 00:19:32,989
- The three...
- Stooges.
459
00:19:32,990 --> 00:19:34,558
I don't want to be
associated with those...
460
00:19:34,559 --> 00:19:37,291
- I wanna get one.
- There's another one out there.
461
00:19:37,292 --> 00:19:39,516
- Move past it.
- I can't get it. All right.
462
00:19:39,517 --> 00:19:41,330
Let's move past it, let's
put it behind us, guys.
463
00:19:41,331 --> 00:19:44,932
Let's put it behind us, and let's
concentrate on what's really important.
464
00:19:45,698 --> 00:19:49,472
Hello, and welcome to
Project Badassvolume XVI.
465
00:19:49,673 --> 00:19:52,710
As you can see, the mattresses
are stacked three high,
466
00:19:52,711 --> 00:19:56,399
creating a safe but still
amazingly badass landing zone.
467
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,558
I will now light the fuse
468
00:19:58,559 --> 00:20:02,235
that is attached to the pyrotechnics
all over my jacket and pants.
469
00:20:02,236 --> 00:20:03,671
Here goes.
470
00:20:06,564 --> 00:20:09,564
One, two, three...
471
00:20:09,565 --> 00:20:11,305
bad ass.
472
00:20:17,502 --> 00:20:20,576
Hey, man, do you still get the
feeling he wants to bang us?
473
00:20:20,577 --> 00:20:22,432
- Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely.
- That's what this is all about, huh?
474
00:20:22,433 --> 00:20:23,778
I think so, I think so.
475
00:20:23,779 --> 00:20:25,307
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
39079
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