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♪

A day in the life would be...

It would be very lonely.

Thoughts were very powerful,

they would kind of control
everything I could do from...

It was more than just the food,

it was who you spoke to,

it was whether
you walked somewhere

or whether you got the bus.

♪

I would wake up
thinking about food

and thinking about my body.

I would look at myself
in the mirror

and be insanely critical
over how I looked.

I was so horrible to myself
every single day.

♪

And here in the UK,

I just couldn't see someone
organically loving their body,

and I was a bit disappointed.

♪

What started out as, you know,

let's just take
better care of ourselves

really, really quickly
turned into something

horribly destructive.

♪

♪

♪

Two more.

Ah!

♪

Every waking moment of my life

was simply thought around food...
When I was gonna eat,

how much of it
I was going to eat,

when I was going to exercise,

how hard I was going
to exercise.

That was just the running
conversation in my...

It was almost like
there was someone else,

like a demon living in my head

just being horrible to me 24/7.

Come on.

Push!

I bought into
a pro bodybuilder's diet

and training plan,

and I was probably training
seven days a week.

I reckon I was eating 1,500,
1,600 calories a day

spread out over seven meals,

so every meal was like
the portion size

for a rabbit or a small child.

I then add some MyProtein
maple syrup flavor drops,

'cause these make everything
taste super duper nice.

My gym sessions tended
to consist of two sessions a day

over six or seven days a week.

Each session,
I probably had to do

an hour and a half
of cardio every morning,

and then an hour
to an hour and a half

of weights every day.

I started to lose my mind,
quite literally.

♪

I remember standing in front
of chillers in supermarkets

for what felt like forever
in utter panic.

"What am I going to eat?

How many calories
has that got in it?

How many grams of fat?"

Just absolute panic.

And the more malnourished I was,

the more that panic
was unmanageable.

Genuinely, it was like
my head was on fire,

like the whole time.

Imagine a fire alarm
going off constantly.

And you know, like, the beeps
that are right in your ear

and you can hear the ringing
and it's really...

It's obnoxious
and it's just constant

and you can't
really think straight?

♪

One extreme was this religious
calorie-tracking obsession

behind what I was doing

to the point then of overwhelm,

where I'd think,
"Oh, stuff this,

I can't do it anymore,"
and then I would binge eat.

And so on my binges,
I would probably consume

somewhere between 10,000
and 15,000 calories

in one sitting,

and I would always
look forward to that.

It's celebrated, almost,
in today's day and age

as a cheat meal.

Now, my cheat meal,
I would order in

an extra large Domino's pizza.

I would eat all of that

alongside four slices
of garlic bread,

four cookies, one or two tubs
of Häagen-Dazs

or Ben and Jerry's ice cream,

and then one or two bars
of family sized chocolate,

you know?

♪

I had reached
way beyond my goal weight.

I was underweight,
and I was really small.

I just... I remember flying home
from my friend's house,

I'd been to see her
in Newcastle,

and I bought an entire packet,

like a family sized
packet of biscuits,

and I tipped them all
into my hand luggage

so that I could secretly
eat them on the way home,

because I knew
that when I went home,

I would have to get back on it.

You know, I'd have
to start it again.

So this was my last supper,
they call it.

"Oh, well, I've eaten
three biscuits now.

Last supper, I'll eat everything
in the entire house,

and then
I'll start again tomorrow,

I'll get back on it,
I'll be good again tomorrow."

♪

You can imagine how horrific
I would feel after doing that,

but I was punishing
and purging myself

because I thought, well,
I've broken my diet rules,

so I might as well
keep breaking them

and then
I'll start again Monday.

And that's the cycle
that I found myself in.

Then it got a little bit darker,
so I would overeat,

and then try
and make myself sick.

♪

And those "last supper" moments

were becoming more
and more uncontrollable.

And I remember
standing in the queue

having landed back home

and having destroyed
all the evidence

of everything I've eaten
and just bursting into tears

and thinking, "There is
something horribly wrong.

This isn't okay."

And initially, I was so confused

because I felt like
I had everything

that I thought I wanted,

and I couldn't understand

why I couldn't
control myself enough

to keep this gift
that I had gifted myself,

you know, this end result
that was meant to be utopia.

♪

I looked stereotypically perfect
in terms of society's terms,

you know, what we perceive
to be a perfect body,

I guess I had obtained it.

♪

I developed an eating disorder
in my teens,

when I was about
15 years old at school.

It kind of began
as just casual dieting,

eating a little bit less.

I lost a little bit of weight,

and then it became
more and more extreme,

to the point
where I was diagnosed

with anorexia nervosa.

Certain foods
I felt I shouldn't eat

'cause I wanted to lose weight

or other people were
kind of demonizing them.

So at school, we had a canteen,

and at break time,
everyone would buy a snack.

And some people would just
have an apple or have nothing,

and slowly I became more aware

of foods that were
kind of weight loss foods

and foods that weren't.

♪

Growing up, I definitely
turned to food as an escape.

So my mom and dad divorced
when I was eight.

It was very, very, very messy,

and food was an outlet for me.

I was taught
the good and bad of food

but as a child
I never quite saw food as that,

I just saw it as like...
Almost like a friend

that I could turn to
and it would make me happy.

And when I was about 10,
I believe it was,

my dad took me to a dietician,

and I just remember
it just being

a very, very serious
conversation

of like my weight
and the size I was.

♪

As I developed
more and more into the illness,

it did become about weight,
and it was a very rigid control

of the number on the scales,

and that became the focus.

And my view of exercise
also changed.

I used to just love
being an outdoors person,

and then over the years
at school,

it became more of a routine
that I must do,

another way of controlling,
kind of, my behavior.

♪

So my dad has always been
very fitness conscious.

He's very into
the good and bad food idea.

It would simply be
like my dad would monitor,

so if we'd gone out
the night before,

we'd had some food,

like it would be a mixture
of burger and chips one night

and then maybe something
like a pasta dish the next.

Like whereas my mom,
it would be what we wanted.

So we had a bit
of a free-for-all.

♪

And I kept getting
progressively more unwell,

and so eventually,
I was admitted

to an inpatient unit.

I've been in twice,
once when I was at school,

so I missed
my final year of school,

and I received treatment
for quite a long time,

about nine months,
but I was still mentally

in a very bad place.

And so unfortunately,
I relapsed,

and this time quite badly.

I got to a very, very low BMI,

and a very poor physical
and mental state

and was admitted
to hospital again.

And I think that's when I felt
like I hit rock bottom.

I... I didn't leave the unit
for a very long time.

♪

Oh, man.

Long nails are the enemy

of progress

when it comes
to doing eyelashes.

But I have to be cute.

My biological mom was
really verbally abusive

towards me and my body,

and I think that's when
I started hating who I was.

She'd always say to me
that my face was beautiful

and I was really pretty,

but it was just a shame
that my body didn't match.

And hearing that
when you're seven, eight, nine,

10, 11, 12, 16, 18,

your mom's voice becomes
your inner voice.

That's just life, that's...

You're the product
of your environment.

♪

There we go, there's the fringe.

This is who I recognize.

Oh.

I'm so used to having lashes,

but I'm au naturale today.

Come on.

When I was a child,
I was molested

by a biological...
Not foster family...

Biological family member.

That was never dealt with,

and I was just told
that it was my fault.

When I was 13,
I got raped again,

but I couldn't talk
to anyone about it.

I didn't really understand
what sex was,

let alone rape.

I couldn't even
fight valiantly, you know?

When people go into battle,

even if they know
they're gonna die,

they still just,
"Ahhh! For Sparta!"

Or whatever,
but I didn't have that at all.

I felt like everyone
had some kind of armor

or weaponry on,

and I was just
a young girl there

in rag clothes, like sackcloth,

and I just got shot, killed,
assaulted, murdered,

and I didn't have any control
or any choice over it.

And because I didn't fight,
because I couldn't fight,

I hated myself for it,

and I detached myself
from my body

for a very, very,
very long time.

I binge-ate and over...

I just never heard

about being intuitive
with my own body,

and I didn't
really like my body,

so the prospect of
having to listen to it

or be in it
in order to respond to it

in a way that was
beneficial to me

was wildly alien.

And being a disabled person

just made that
an awful lot harder.

Being in the medical system

and actually not always being
physically capable of eating

and getting my nutrition orally.

♪

- That's all right.
- Yeah, probably fine.

No, I didn't notice immediately.

And I think she...
Hannah had slimmed down,

but actually I remember
thinking she looked...

I mean, she was still...
She wasn't skinny,

but she'd definitely
slimmed down,

and she was always
quite a keen cyclist.

And I remember we went cycling

just before it all
sort of got really bad,

and I just remember thinking
that she looked lovely,

and I didn't think
for one minute

that it was the problem it was.

And I started to realize
that she was losing more weight,

and then I got worried.

And then I think the school
asked us to talk to them.

♪

Certainly, when Hannah
was an adolescent,

the therapy was based on
the parents taking control

and actually having a meal plan

and making them stick
to the meal plan

so they ate everything
on the table,

and we could be there
at two in the morning

trying to get a yogurt in,

and that caused a huge conflict.

Ultimately, when the disorder's
so much about control,

if someone's trying
to force you to do something,

they're taking everything
out of your control.

And I think the times
when you tried to force me

were the times
when the eating disorder

fought back harder than ever.

So it's meant to be
early intervention...

Eating disorders
are not about food.

They're never about food.

When something goes wrong
with eating,

then we know that
there's something

really fundamental going wrong.

And that's why treatments
for eating disorders

are long and complex
and intense.

There's a kind of wish sometimes

for it to be about the food

because that would
just be much easier.

- And she said Sydenham Hill.
- Yeah.

I've never, ever,
ever spoken to my dad,

but I know, growing up, my dad...

I believe it was protecting me
from being fat,

because, in that day and age,

and I mean, it's still here now,

but being fat was bad,

and I think he thought
me being bigger

would limit my chances
of having a good life

and succeeding and doing well.

I actually ended up
with an eating disorder,

which lasted
for about six years,

so I suffered terribly
from binge-eating disorder,

and that was closely linked
with body dysmorphia,

so I had in my mind that
I needed to look a certain way.

I was kind of placing
my happiness

in something external,

and it just led to very extreme
food style behaviors,

so having come
from a good relationship

with food growing up,

it soon went south
very, very quickly.

Think of bigorexia
like reverse anorexia.

Instead of people
who really want to be thin

and desperately want
to lose weight,

you have predominantly young men

who want to be more muscular,

and the sort of diet
and training

that they involve
themselves with

are geared toward
becoming more muscular.

Muscle dysmorphia is
not dangerous, per se,

but it is debilitating,
and that's different.

People who have
really high levels of anxiety

are debilitated by it.

Like, it can ruin their life.

And we see a similar thing
with muscle dysmorphia.

Are you an idiot?

What is this?

You'd better do
your dancing again.

I think it is celebrating
a disordered behavior

in relationship with food,

and it's an attempt
to legitimize that behavior

by giving it another name.

But I think if we take
the cheat meal concept out of it

and we look at it
for what it is,

I think it's fairly obvious
that it's a disordered behavior

to engage with with food.

I didn't treat my body
with any amount of love,

I was so detached from it.

Be it the small things,
like... sounds silly,

but as a Black woman,
just cleaning my skin.

I hated it.

I hated the skin.

I hated the skin
that didn't do anything for me.

Or eating unhealthily,

not necessarily binge-eating,

but not eating
throughout the whole day

and then eating
at 11 o'clock at night.

Worst thing you can do,

it's so bad
for your digestive system.

Sexually, no boundaries,
no walls,

no "Hey, stop here,

I actually don't really want
this to happen."

I didn't really care,
so if it does then it does,

if it doesn't, it doesn't.

I... I place no value
on this body,

so do with it what you like.

And it's dangerous.

It's very, very, very reckless.

So I hate what's been done
to this body,

but there's nowhere else
to direct it,

so I'll do
what everyone else does

and direct it at my body, too.

♪

It affected things massively.

You know, I was causing
so much upset

and distress to my mom and dad,

because they were just seeing
like a boy who was in pain,

and that's the only way
I can describe it.

I was in a lot of pain.

I was with a girlfriend
at the time

and caused her a lot of angst
and upset along the way.

♪

People would be like,

"Do you fancy meeting
for a coffee?"

And I'd break out
into a cold sweat.

Family would be like,
"Oh, let's have

a Christmas dinner together,"

and I'd be absolutely terrified.

Like, what are
they gonna make me?

Am I going to be able
to eat anything?

Oh, it was just...

♪

I became a secret eater,

because my mom often
shamed me quite openly

when it came to food.

There would be a comment
about the amount of rice

that I've eaten,

or the fact that there's not
enough salad on the plate,

and it's just like, "Okay.

I will eat air."

Put some sauce on it.

Mm, tasty.

So people might say,
"Yeah, I didn't really see...

Jo didn't really eat that much.

I haven't really seen
Mojo eat."

Yeah, because I don't
want you to,

because in my brain,
I have to eat in silence

or in secret.

When everyone goes to bed
in my mom's house,

I'd try and like...
I'd go in the kitchen,

I'm so good at sneaking around.

Two o'clock at night
would be when I have my dinner.

I'll have a fake dinner at eight

so that everyone
can see that I'm eating

and not ask me any problems,

but I was so afraid to eat,
I'd just do it in secret.

♪

I didn't want to get better,

so I was fighting the system

when I was receiving
outpatient treatment.

And although
the outpatient treatment

was trying to do its best,
it just didn't...

It didn't get to the crux
of what was really going on.

♪

It has been the hardest thing
ever to deal with,

not just for me,
but for everybody, for Hannah.

And I try to put myself
in her shoes

and think, you know,
when we're struggling,

how does it feel for her
in her head?

And you can never
really do that,

but you can empathize

when you couldn't understand.

♪

I was so under-rested,
unrecovered,

my stress levels
were through the roof,

and it just perpetuated
the binge cycle,

because I would get
to the end of the week,

my body would be like,
"What the hell are you doing?

Put some fuel in!"

And so, for me,
that fuel would be

my big Domino blowout binges.

I had in my mind that,
"I'll just keep going,

'cause once I get through
this bit of unhappiness,

then I'll be happy."

And guess what? I never did.

♪

In the long run,
dieting may actually be

doing the opposite effect
of what it's intended to.

You know,
if you have a beach ball

that's floating
on the surface of the water,

and you go to push it under,
what's gonna happen?

You're gonna be able to
push it down a certain amount,

and then it's gonna
bounce back up.

And each time you do it,

it's gonna fly back up
in the air.

And that's exactly what happens

with our metabolism
when we diet.

We double our efforts
every single time

that the diet fails us.

♪

Diets are really popular
simply because society tells us

that we need to look
a certain way,

that we need to behave
a certain way,

and because that pressure
from society is on all of us,

that naturally
makes diets very popular,

because we see
someone who's thin

and think they're a good person.

Obviously, therefore,
people want to be thin

and will go on diets.

So no, just because
dieting is popular

doesn't mean that
it's risk-free either.

♪

I was quite unaware
of what I was doing.

♪

I had a lot going on at home.

My dad, a couple of years
beforehand,

had been diagnosed
with throat cancer

and had been going
through treatment,

and that had been
really challenging as a family.

I was... I had braces at the time,

I still have ginger hair,
but at the time,

I was very conscious of it.

I was teased
quite a lot at school

for kind of being
a little bit overweight,

so I think my control
over my food

became the thing
I could control in my life.

♪

♪

So for me, I was controlling
something else in my life,

which was food and training,

because I wasn't
actually in control

of some emotional things
that I wasn't dealing with.

I was a very poor communicator,

didn't like confrontation,

and I think the initial feelings

stemmed from me
not feeling okay about myself.

I was made to feel
like I wasn't good enough

by certain people
growing up in my life

that made me feel like that,

and that's where
I then took the control of,

"when I look like this,
then I'll be happy."

♪

♪ Small clan,
we're just a small clan ♪

♪ We don't touch
the small clans ♪

♪ Swindle the small clans ♪

♪ We don't run
the small clans ♪

♪ We're just a small clan ♪

I've always been bullied
because of my weight

and because of my height.

So I've always been the biggest,

I've always been the tallest,

all the way throughout school.

They were always picking on me
just because I was different.

I went into, like,
a stage of being emo,

so it was... you know,
colored hair,

black hair, big swoop in front,

listening to rock music.

I don't know whether
it was my defense barrier

of not really digesting it,
so to speak,

and just letting them carry on.

♪

That's me
at, like, junior school.

That's Sports Day.

My not favorite day of the year,
you can imagine.

By the time I left
secondary school,

I very much was a fat person.

I was very obviously
different to my peers,

but I guess
that feeling of otherness,

that sense of just feeling
different to other people

I think sometimes, in naivety,

it's easy to just
attribute that to your body,

"Oh, well, I was fat.

I was always different
because I was fat,

I was always other
because I was fat,"

and actually
I just felt different.

And I had just met
my then partner, now wife,

and I think I just...
I wanted to transform.

I wanted to be
entirely different

to who I'd been previously.

Can I have a kiss?

Yeah, that'll be nice.

I got my lipstick
on your chin, I'm sorry.

Quite often, eating disorders
and eating issues

provide a kind of
framework of routine

or certainty for us
to hang our anxieties on.

Instead of addressing
what's happening in our lives,

in our worlds, we try
to then go for a quick fix,

which is, "Well,
if I can fix my body,

then maybe that will trigger
all of these other things

to improve in the rest
of my life,"

but it never
really happens that way.

♪

I always told everyone
I was fine, you know?

People would say,
"How are you doing?"

"Oh, I'm fine."

It was an immediate
sort of bat-off remark.

I started to ask myself
a lot more questions

and to really reflect
on what I was doing,

because ultimately
what I was doing

was making me very unhappy.

♪

I went through
a really dark depression

and stopped eating,
which to me was a huge sign

that my emotions had changed
as a comfort eater.

But the fact that
I didn't eat at all,

secret or in public, like,
that's when I said,

"Okay, there's clearly
an issue with me

and my eating habits
and my food,"

but I didn't feel
like my partner

was supportive of that at all.

I feel like my experience of it
was keep me fat,

keep me depressed, keep me down,

and I would never
have stepped on her toes.

That was how I felt
in that relationship.

However, I did go to carnival,

I did Notting Hill Carnival
2016 and '17.

For me, that was a safe space.

I mean, it's out in public,

but it was a safe space
to explore my body

and be free in it
because of the culture,

because of the environment.

It's the only place
where you can be naked

one day of the year

and have no one
say a thing about it.

So the first year,

I was actually
really disappointed

that I wore so much clothes.

I had a black leotard on
and very thin black tights.

I still feel ashamed
that I wore that much.

I think it was
way too much clothing,

I was too covered up.

♪

Okay, guys, what is going on?

Don't be angry, girl,
it's carnival!

What's going on?

Don't be angry, okay?

Listen!

I wasn't born in Britain.

I lived in the Caribbean
from birth to about 17,

and where I'm from,
the thicker you are,

the more celebrated you are.

Men don't have a problem
with your size.

♪

It was very difficult
to transition

from the love I had for myself
as a 17-year-old

coming to the UK.

It was a bit shocking for me

to see that women here
that I met,

most of them, instead of
complimenting themself,

they would always
really talk negatively

about their bodies
and dress in a way

that really cover up their body,

and they don't want
to show their curves,

and they don't want to show
their bodies at all.

♪

Everybody feels
a little bit uncomfortable

with how they look,

but with bigger women,

we're not allowed to feel bad.

We first must feel ashamed,

and every feeling
that we feel about our bodies

grows out of that.

They are setting the tone

for our relationships
with our bodies,

and that alone is unhealthy,

but what else can we do
but be caught up

in the opinion of others

when there are
so many negative opinions?

Like with the trolling I get.

It's like, "How dare you
go travel the world

and be in these amazing places?

Like, how dare you go
and enjoy yourself?

How dare you be in a job
and be more successful than me?

How dare you do
these videos for the BBC?"

How dare you be fat

and be succeeding
in doing these things?

Like, believe me, I have had
to work three times as hard

to work in the fashion industry

and put myself in very,
very uncomfortable situations.

Like, I haven't got it easy.

Hello, kitten!

What's really hard
to get across to people

is that for 10 years,
I lived in a fat body

and I was a wheelchair user,

and it's the microaggressions
that you don't even realize

that are taking place
around you.

It's things like
not being able to access seating

when you're in clinic,

because the seats are so small
you can't sit on them.

It's the really,
really little things

like, "Oh, we haven't got gowns
that are gonna fit you.

We'll get you three and just,
you know, put them around you,"

or, "You'll have
to wear men's pajamas,

because we haven't got anything
big enough for you otherwise."

It's those little things,
and they add up.

That's how
microaggressions work.

Just that drip constantly
that you're not good enough,

that your body is irrelevant,

that you're harming yourself.

That, you know,
this is your fault.

♪

Probably the most
traumatic experience

was the time that
I was in intensive care.

I was in respiratory arrest,
so my lungs had failed,

I wasn't able
to breathe for myself.

I was in heart failure.

I had sepsis, which is
an infection of your blood,

and I remember
the nurse looking at me

and saying, "You're doing this
to yourself."

She started talking at me,

because obviously,
I couldn't respond to her,

about how I really needed
to do something about my weight

and that if I wasn't so fat

then my lungs wouldn't
have struggled so much.

♪

We have research
that actually shows

that weight is not necessarily

an accurate indicator of health,

and we can't actually
tell anything

about somebody's health
based on what they look like.

It's really upsetting to go
to the doctor, for example,

with a general head cold,
let's say,

and leave after
being bombarded for 10 minutes

about how they need
to lose weight

and how they need
to go on a diet,

and, you know,
it's extremely stressful,

and that's what's known
as weight stigma.

♪

The stigma that's attached
to weight, my weight,

is so real, it feels unreal.

I can't be... I'm not allowed
to be sexy because I'm fat.

Even though I'm fat
and you want me

to go to the gym,
when I go to the gym,

you look at me weird.

That's crazy.

I can't be happy and fat
at the same time.

I should wear curtains
all the time,

I should cover myself up.

That's kind of the stigma
that I feel every day.

I need to pee, I'm desperate,

so I might go into a McDonald's.

But I would rather hold my pee

and cause myself internal pain

than face some kind of ridicule
in McDonald's

just 'cause I need to pee.

I'm not here to eat a Big Mac,
burgers, chicken wings,

Filet-O-Fish,
I don't want any of that.

I just want to pee,
but I get really scared

to go inside,
and it's so damaging.

Individuals who experience
weight stigma

and have higher rates of
internalized weight stigma,

they experience more anxiety
and depression,

disordered eating,
body dissatisfaction.

And it's such a problem that
the World Health Organization

has called it
a serious health concern.

Shoreditch High Street Station.

I would argue that
diet culture wouldn't exist

without fat phobia.

If we weren't fearful
of being fat,

the diet industry doesn't
have a leg to stand on.

Why would you want
to lose weight

if there wasn't a problem

with being fat
in the first place?

Or it wouldn't be as profitable

if we didn't subscribe
to that idea

that being fat is bad

and if we had
that fear around it,

and I think it's important
to say that

the diet industry is fueled
by that fear,

and yet it doesn't work.

We know diets
don't work long-term.

I had a really genuine,

"No, no, no, I don't ever want

to have to experience that
ever again,"

and it was a fuel,

it was a fuel
to want to stay small

and keep the privilege
that I was suddenly granted.

I could move around in medicine

without being questioned
in the same way.

♪

What I would say is
it took a very long time

for the GP to take it seriously.

It took the best part of nine,

10 months, something like that,

but I remember
shouting at the GP

saying, you know, "You've just
got to do something."

And she said, "Your daughter
needs to come in on her own."

Well, I thought, come on...

- And that's the problem.
- Completely illogical.

She can't come in on her own.

That's the problem
with the way the system works

is that I may have lost weight,

but I wasn't at a critical BMI

for the GP to take it
seriously enough.

We've had BMI become
the dominant indicator

through which
someone's health is assessed.

BMI was originally designed
as a tool

to broadly be applied
at the population level.

It was never intended
that it would be used

to diagnose an individual.

It really did...

So the longer it took
to get treatment,

the worse
the eating disorder got

and the further
down the slope I fell,

and I think... I obviously
didn't see it at the time.

At the time, I was quite happy
to not go to the GP

and didn't want any help.

♪

♪ All I want is nothing more ♪

♪

♪ To see you knocking
on my door ♪

♪

But when I came from Berlin,

one of the main differences is

there's fast food everywhere,

much more emphasized
than it is in Berlin,

lots of little places,
pizza places.

That's one thing
we don't have in Germany,

or not a lot,
is the traditional pizza,

the thick one that gets you
addicted really quickly.

And also, there's
a couple of restaurants

that are basically takeout only,
which is interesting.

So what I think it is

is that people enjoy
having the food

in the comfort
of their own home,

but they don't want to cook.

But it is certainly something
that struck me as odd.

Here in the UK,
I work in the night shift,

so I come home
around 6:30 in the morning

and I will have had lunch
at midnight,

so usually I'm very hungry,

but I'm also very tired.

So when I have a big meal,

which other people
consider breakfast

for me is dinner,

that will then be
right before I go to bed.

From what I've read
and what we think,

that then goes
straight onto your hips

and is very, very unhealthy.

I have people being like,

"Oh, you need
to stop eating junk food,"

and it was like
a couple of remarks

on videos I've made prior.

Like, you're not paying for me.

Like, if you're taking me out
and you're paying

and I'm ordering a bit too much

and the bill's
getting a bit much,

yeah, say something,

but if it's my hard-earned cash
that I'm spending,

it's got nothing to do with you.

I mean, it's got nothing
to do with you anyway.

When I see an overweight person

eating cake or a burger

or something
considered unhealthy,

immediately
the judgmental part kicks in.

You say, "Oh, they shouldn't
be eating this."

Or, you know,
"Oh, where this is going,

it's going to be
in good company."

But then you also think,

"Is this one burger,
is this one cake

going to make a difference?"

Where they are now,
where they're going,

had they maybe had
a diet behind them,

now they're rewarding themself
with this.

♪

I remember being
in a coffee shop once,

and it was the first time I knew

that I was receiving
thin privilege.

And I was nowhere near
as small as I am now,

but I was just heading into
that really restrictive phase,

and the man behind the till

said, "Do you want any cakes
with your coffee?"

And I was like, "Oh, no,
I don't think we do, thank you."

And he just said,
"You'd be amazed

how many people have
these really sugary drinks

and then massive slices
of cake,"

and I was like, "Oh, um, yeah,

I mean, I guess
if they want cake..."

"Oh, yeah, but you should see
these people.

I mean, I'm not talking
about people like you,

you obviously
look after yourself,

but you should see these..."

And I just thought,
"Oh, my goodness,

probably less
than six months previous,

he would've had me down
as one of those people."

Regardless of whether
I'd eaten the cake or not,

he would've been making
those judgments about me.

Thin privilege is something
I've enjoyed for a long time.

Being tall and slim
gives me immediate authority,

because people have
to physically look up to me,

which lessens the effect
that I need to explain myself.

People don't question what I do.

People trust me,
for some reason.

And people immediately
assume authority

coming from me,

because I literally
speak down to them.

Not because of the way I speak,

just because they're a head
smaller than me.

The thing that I find
really frustrating now

is that people say to me
all the time,

"You look really well."

When I've got my clothes on,
I look like a nondisabled,

cisgendered white woman
who is thin,

and I receive
a lot of privilege,

but actually my body
is very different

to a lot of people's,
and I'm like,

you should physically
have to live in my body,

because I feel ill all the time,

and my blood results
are terrible,

and I'm horribly anemic,

and there's absolutely nothing
I can do about any of it.

And you think I look well
because I've put some makeup on

and because I'm thin?

It's become something

that has become
a bit of an identity.

And so our weight
has become our identity,

and so we're less good
of a person

if we're not thin.

We deserve less,
we have less self-esteem.

All these things
are well-documented

as to the thought processes
that occur

because of this thin ideal.

The next train to arrive
at Platform 2

in two minutes will be
service to all stations...

And again, I'm like,
I'm so scared to go into KFC,

because in my head,
they must be thinking,

"Oh, fatty's here again.

All the chicken wings
are gone, lads."

That's what I feel.

I am now believing
that my body is ugly

and abusing it with food,

so that's where health
should be spoken about.

Not, "Oh, you're fat,

you're gonna die
of a heart attack."

How did we get here?

I think a lot of people
think that

anti-fat bias
just has to do with thinking

that fat people aren't pretty
or something like that.

And sure, I mean,

the attractiveness standard
is real,

but anti-fat bias extends
to so many sectors of life:

education, college admissions,

the amount of scholarship funds
that students are given.

In the justice system,
there's research that shows

that jurors are far more likely
to convict somebody

who is of a larger body
than a thin person,

and they're also subject
to harsher sentences

and longer prison times,

which is really wild
when you think about it.

It's much more than just,

"I don't like the way
that person looks."

It really affects
all areas of life.

Growing up, I...

It was always made
very clear to me

that I stood out,

and my weight could
potentially be a problem

getting a boyfriend.

My mom made it very clear
that being overweight,

I was never gonna
get a boyfriend.

I've been crushing on guys
for a long time,

and I never experienced, like,

my boyfriends that I had
in Dominican.

Weight what?

Weight wasn't an issue.

♪

But here... oh, my God,

they do come into
the relationship

like, "Yeah, I love all of you,"

and I'm like, "Yeah,
and that's how it should be,"

but some people genuinely
they can't help it,

that's just their personality.

They've been conditioned
by society,

and they do have subaggressions,

you know, towards fat bodies
and have fat phobia

without actually saying
that they have fat phobia.

And if you get into
a little argument,

guess what, if the argument
probably is about your car,

guess what, it might
come into your weight.

Why? Tell me why.

Tell me why.

I think dating in 2019,

it's shit for everyone.

Like, I'm not even gonna
put it on my weight,

'cause the thing is,
it's not that I don't

get a lot of attention, I do...

I mean, I live in London

where nobody speaks
to one another,

so it's all on the internet.

And the thing is,
you do get guys who are there,

and they wouldn't want
to take you out,

but they wanna come over
for Netflix and chill,

and always come to mine,
and just like,

I watch too many
true crime documentaries

to know that
this is not gonna happen.

We fetishize
this whole snap-back thing

after having a kid,

but most women don't,
and it really, really bugs me.

Again, it's another thing
that I've sort of attached

to having a child.

I'm scared to have a child,

because I'm scared that...

There's not...
I don't know exactly what

I'm gonna snap back to!

Nothing snaps that much anyway,

so how, if I have a child...

Will I still be pretty?

Will I be ugly? I don't know!

I think every time
I look in the mirror,

I'm glad someone else
puts more effort

into looking good than I do.

Coming from
the male perspective,

we consider women to be
the more beautiful gender.

So we appreciate that.

But I would never force a woman

to dress a certain way,
to eat a certain way

to make her look different.

It is something that is
ingrained into our culture

is that women need to look good.

They need to wear makeup,
they need to do their hair.

Do they need to do that?

No, they do not need to do that.

But it is much appreciated.

The woman out there
that's been rated

the ugliest person in the world,

who the fuck told the people
doing the judging and assessing

that they were beautiful
in the first place?

Media!

That's why we...
We need to defriend

some of these Caucasian
British men.

British, to be exact,

because they started
all the problems.

Diet culture does
disproportionately affect women

more than men,
and there is an element

to diet culture coming
from a patriarchal society

where women are told
what they should look like.

And a lot of the time,
that has been from men.

And so I think
it's very appropriate

that feminism in general
touches on diet culture

and definitely has a role
to play in combating it.

♪

Evidence shows
that we can go back 30 years

and women experiencing
body image concern

is quite common,

so much so that in the research,

we talk about it as normative

and we say
"normative discontent,"

but I think just because
something is normal or common,

it doesn't mean it's okay.

It doesn't mean it's benign
and without consequence.

And we live in a society
where beauty standards

are so narrow,
and for most people,

completely unattainable.

♪

Isn't it interesting, though,
how it's always women

talking about feeling bloated
and not men?

My top tips
to reduce bloating...

To help reduce bloating
and reduce your belly bloating,

it almost immediately
causes bloating...

Seven tips on how to debloat.

Bloat's still there!

- It's poking out.
- Adding our flat tummy teas...

Hasta la vista, bloating!

Good luck.

Men have a different way
of seeing it.

If men are bloated,
they make fun of it.

It becomes a party game
for them.

Whereas, when women are bloated,
they feel embarrassed.

But, since I cannot think
like a woman,

that's a very difficult
question to answer.

Everything that is
marketed towards women

which is anti-bloating,

it's really just telling women

that they should be eating less,

that they need to be hungry,

that they need to be starving

in order to embody
this aesthetic ideal.

♪

From a marketing perspective,

of course they go
with what works,

what has worked in the past,
what is still working.

So if you have that market

and you tap that market
and it works,

why should you stop?

♪

Where does this idea come from
that it's a male conspiracy,

that it's a male idea
to keep women in their place,

have them take up less space?

♪

Like, really genuinely,

I think it started
with capitalism.

I think people recognized

that there was a way
to make money

out of people
who didn't feel great

about themselves.

It started with
middle class white men

who recognized that
there was a market

and a profoundly successful one,

the diet industry
makes billions every year

on women feeling insignificant

and like they need
to do something

in order to make themselves
better.

♪

It's easy to blame
some unknown entity

and put the face
of a white man on it.

Everyone loves targeting us.

But there is
no actual proof of that.

There is no board of white men
sitting on top of the world

saying, "Oh, we need
to have these things."

I'm certainly not a part of it,
and I'm not aware of it,

so I don't know if that is true.

The issue is that
it runs deeper than that,

and it's not just something
about specific words,

it's actions as well.

And so, when you have a society
that values women's looks

based on a certain ideal,

men then start
valuing those looks as well,

and so women who look that way
get more attention from men.

I'm not here to say
that it's current men's fault

that that's going on,
but I think that as men,

we need to recognize
where it's come from.

And I don't think
that we have to disregard it

to kind of protect ourselves,

and I do see a lot of men,
unfortunately, using the phrase,

"Well, it's not me,

so therefore why do I need
to be worried about that?"

Or, "It's not all men,"
and that's...

I don't think that's helpful.

I remember that situation

where, in that
particular relationship,

they were now concerned
about my health

after we were dating
for a while,

because they did something
that I didn't like.

And one time we were driving
from seeing their stepfather,

parked outside my house,

and they commented
on the meal that I had

throughout the days
like they were supervising me.

They were my weight watchers.

And they said,
"Oh, this you had,

the plantain da-da-da
that you had.

It was quite sweet,

and I think you should
really think about what you eat

because you know, I'm just
concerned about your health."

I'm like, "You're concerned
about my health?

Get lost."

And then I realized
that, obviously,

someone who's always
concerned about my health

is not really concerned
about my health.

♪

If you had to ask
the general public,

um, "obesity" or "anorexia,"

guarantee that most of them
would choose anorexia,

majority, which is sad.

It's very heartbreaking
because that is how...

That's how heavy,
ha, excuse the pun,

um, the stigma is.

That is how heavy...

I make myself laugh.

That's how... that's
how intense the stigma is,

and that is a shame
because it should be 50/50,

because to some degree
both are unhealthy,

both have health risks.

I think diet culture
is so present in our society,

though, that it's hard
to realize,

like, the fact
that we have calorie labels

on every single snack bar.

That in a way is... it's kind of
hindering to diet culture

because it's telling you
you can have this snack

because it's
a low-calorie snack,

or the fact that shops
are selling clothes size

that are all really quite small

and don't really cater
for larger bodies.

That, again, I feel, is
kind of part of diet culture.

It's something
that, as a society,

we really need to think about

because if we're not careful,

we are just going to end up
promoting disordered eating

or body dissatisfaction

because people are gonna feel
more and more unhappy

if society is making them
feel that way.

♪

As soon as I saw the mannequin,

I just thought
it was like a breakthrough.

Maybe I was a bit naive
in thinking

if a brand like Nike,
with the reputation

and the name they have globally,

if they invested
and put in a bigger model

that actually looks like
a fat body,

to sort of be proud and say,

"We do plus-size
athletic wear."

But a small part of me
was like, "Right,

let's just wait, let's just wait

because someone is gonna have
something to say about this."

- Nike slammed for...
- Obese mannequins...

- are selling women...
- a dangerous lie.

- Weighty issue.
- Nike snapped.

- Normalizing obesity...
- with plus-size mannequins...

in their London store.

The new mannequin is obese.

And she is not
readying herself...

for a run
in her shiny Nike gear.

She cannot run,
she is more likely...

prediabetic and on her way
to a hip replacement.

What terrible cynicism
is this...

on the part of Nike.

Everyone's just like,
"Well, I work hard to stay thin,

and I go to the gym,
and I have self-control,"

and it's just like,

one, what makes you think
I don't have self-control,

and I don't go to the gym,
and I don't work out?

You think that I sit on my ass
and I eat what I want,

I don't go to the gym,

and I don't work as hard as you

because my body
apparently told you that.

♪

The most common theme
in the fitness industry,

in general, is weight loss.

We're obsessed by it,
it's literally the only thing

that people work on.

So many guys
who hypermasculize themselves

and all these girls
hypersexualize themselves.

Everything is about
how we look seemingly

in today's day and age.

We've lose the art
of how we feel.

That seems so far removed
in today's day and age,

which is a really sad thing.

♪

I go to the gym
and I exercise and I enjoy it,

you know, and I still have
a fat body.

And until we achieve
this goal of thinness,

we're not gonna be
treated with respect,

and we're not gonna be
treated human,

and we're not gonna be
treated nicely,

and we're gonna be shamed,

and we're gonna be told
we're gonna die

unless we lose weight.

But you can't put
a fat mannequin.

You can't simply show
a fat body and promote that

because then you're promoting
staying fat, and it...

It is literally
the wildest conversation

I've ever, ever had
and read up on,

'cause it was just
the most hypocritical thing.

♪

We need to start
asking ourselves

some really important questions.

And, so, how do we view people
who are larger in size?

What are our beliefs
around their lifestyle?

For example,
what are our beliefs

about how they are as people
and their character?

I think, at the moment,
it's still

a topic of contention for people

that they're unwilling
to talk about

because they're afraid

that when they start
talking about it,

it's gonna challenge
some of the ideals

and the beliefs that they have.

And we don't like our ideals

and our beliefs
being challenged.

It's not something we like.

It's hard.

It goes back to
that willingness to be wrong.

We don't like being wrong.

And that's okay, that's
kind of normal psychology.

We like to be right about stuff.

♪

Please, can I get the cupcake
with the strawberry,

- the strawberry one?
- Yes.

I'm able to analyze
my relationship with food

and say, "Oh, okay,
well, it's okay

if you want to eat this,
but why are you eating?

Why are you being
so excessive?"

I caught myself.

I think I'd been stressing
about something on the train.

I called my friend to speak
to her about the stress,

and I went to Tesco

and all I wanted to buy
was snacks.

So I said, "Oh, okay, so this
is where we just sort of...

Hmm, what's
really happening here?

Why do you associate food
with comfort?"

And that's simply
just because of all the neglect

I experienced in my childhood.

So, therefore, Mr. NHS,

you don't need to talk
to fat people about being fat.

You need to talk to people

about their childhood
and their trauma.

That is the health
that you should focus on.

♪

I feel pressure to go to the gym

just to bulk up, to eat cleaner,

to shun those evil carbs
and get more protein in.

It's something... it's being
repeated so often,

it becomes part of your way
of thinking,

and you really need
to invest some energy

to get out of this.

Someone will come to me and say,

"Oh, I want to look like this,"

and they'll show me a picture
of a guy in a magazine

or someone that they've seen
on Instagram,

and I'll say,
"Why? Why is that?"

Because that's a big thing,
it's a very powerful question

to ask a client is the "why."

Now, for a lot of people
it is just an external source

of, "Oh, I just want
to look like that."

Well, then you've really got
to do some more digging

to find out why that is,
and nine times out of ten,

it'll be because they have
suffered self-esteem issues

or body image issues

or they've grown up
feeling insecure

compared to X, Y, and Z.

So, suddenly, they're the things

you've got to be working on.

You've got to be
helping them up here.

No diet will ever fix
that problem.

Basically, everyone strives
to be in the shape

of the stage bodybuilder,
which is unrealistic.

Not even bodybuilders
are in that shape

all of the time.

But this is what
we strive to have.

Make some noise!

Being a pro bodybuilder
is tough,

you know, it's not easy.

Now, that's it, flex it.

How much chicken fillet
do you eat in a day?

Uh, about 1.5 kilos.

- 1.5 kilos?
- Yeah.

Not having another gram more
of almonds,

not having another half
a bowl of oatmeal

when you're hungry, you know?

Not doing it, and not doing it,

not doing it
for a period of time.

We're talking about 10,
11, 12, 13 weeks.

♪

Nobody thought about bod...

They wouldn't even talk to us.

But after Pumping Iron,

it really changed
the face of bodybuilding.

All the world was pumping iron.

It was great to say
pumping iron.

I mean, gyms were popping up
all over the United States.

♪

We're looking at physique sports

that, once upon a time,
were confined to

a fairly small subset of people
that were interested in it.

And we've seen
this mainstreaming of practices

involving very restrictive
meal plans,

counting calories
and macronutrients,

but more particularly,

it's the emphasis on looking

the way that bodybuilders
might look on stage

at a very low level of body fat.

For both men and women,

that has become a cultural norm,

that has become something
that people portray

through their social media
every day,

and it fails to,

I think, represent
that most people

get into that type of condition

once or twice a year for a show.

What they tend to do, then,
is have two to three days

of photo shoots
and then simply drip-feed

those photographs out
onto social media

for the next year.

That gives the impression
to ordinary people

that this particular person
looks like this

day in and day out.

♪

There are a lot of people
in the fitness industry

who are abusing steroids,
which will give you

unsustainable results
unless you participate

in taking them yourself.

So many people promote something

that your average Joe and Jane

will never ever
be able to obtain,

and that's my biggest problem.

♪

I don't think people
always truly appreciate

the psychological restrictions

that a lot of us
still place on our lives,

things like,
"Oh, I must go for a run

because I've eaten this today,"

or, "Oh, I've had this
for breakfast,

so I'm not gonna have this
with my dinner," or...

There's still a lot of
residual internalized dialogue

that we've lived with
our entire lives,

that we heard our mom say,

that we heard
our grandparents say,

that our friends
still talk about,

that's happening in the office
when we're at work.

So those kinds of
mental restrictions,

they're an awful lot harder
to get away from.

♪

I was really forced to face
what was going on,

and I think
that's when I realized

something had to change

because I couldn't
do this again.

I'd been in hospital twice,

and it's a very intense
environment.

♪

The start of my recovery journey

was recognizing
that what I was doing

wasn't serving me
and was making me so unhappy.

So, to be in your early twenties

and to be in a position
where you're considering

taking your own life

is a powerful enough reason
to think,

"Hmm, something
is not quite right.

I need to do
something about it."

So that's when I went
and sought help.

Things like
cognitive behavioral therapy

worked wonders for me.

I came across
the power of the mind.

And, so, going forward now
in my coaching,

that's how I help people,
because there is no quick fix,

and there is certainly
no one-fix solution for people.

♪

I posted a picture on Instagram.

I'd been using my account
to document my dieting,

and when I posted the picture
about bingeing,

one of my local friends said,

"Oh, I've been following
this woman

who talks about anti-diet.

Maybe you should
check her out."

And that was it.

And very quickly, I realized

that actually my radical
disability rights politics

are essentially the same thing.

They translate so easily
into anti-beauty standards

and anti-diet that I almost felt

that I can't... a bit embarrassed

that I'd never sort of
cottoned on

that it was essentially
the same thing

and, yet, I was so extreme

in my radical
disability politics

but so extremely involved
in diet culture.

It was almost laughable.

When my relationship
with my body

was picking up momentum,

I started to see
what health meant.

And this diet culture thing,
I was like,

"Oh, the two
are actually separate,

but they've just been
married together

by people that don't get it.

Oh, so I really
have to be on this...

Explore this by myself?

Huh. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

So everyone's calling me 'fat'
and calling me 'ugly, '

but my body is still
faithful to me.

I've been raped,
it's been beaten,

I've been spat on,
I've been abused,

but my body hasn't failed me.

Ah."

Mm.

Really, it's... there's
never a problem inside.

As far as I'm aware,

the problem is always external,

it's always society.

And that's the same
in terms of all intersection.

So racism and transphobia,
fatphobia, ableism,

the problem is always
the outside.

It's never the person.

♪

So, for me, to take a leap
into an industry

that was notoriously known
for not accepting fat bodies

and didn't want to be
associated with them

in any way or form...

it was, yeah, it was sort of

proving my parents wrong,
but I'm proving society wrong,

that, actually, I could work
within that industry.

♪

We need to put those efforts
into looking outwards

and altering the things
that we see

that are problematic in society

rather than trying to fix
something in ourselves

that isn't even broken.

You are worthy, you are worthy
of better than this.

♪

Oh, hello, London.

Anyone over there
with a pair of binoculars?

I'm fat, yes,
but I'm not inactive.

I love to run around
and be silly and joke and laugh,

and I love to dance!

Don't... say it to my face...

Why am I insecure because of
your, your, and your opinions?

I can't do that.

♪

I love soca music,
Caribbean music.

The bigger the bum, the better.

Like, I'm not bashing anybody
with small bums,

but if you, like,
you have a small bum,

it's a little bit difficult,
you know, to dance.

Everybody's accepted
in the Caribbean.

Like body size, nobody's bashed.

You'd probably be bashed
maybe on your personality

before someone will talk
about your size.

I eventually decided
to face up to the fear

of eating a croissant.

So it was about
seven or eight years

since I'd eaten a croissant,

and it was something
I thought about a lot,

like I'd see people eat them
and I'd think,

"Oh, I really want one of them,
but, oh, I can't one.

They're something
I just don't eat."

And, then, eventually, I did,
and when I did eat it,

I have to admit
that it was tough.

It wasn't just, "Oh, I ate it,"

and I thought, "That was easy."

It was actually still
quite challenging

because it was a fear food,

and it brought up feelings
of guilt and anxiety and shame

because I thought
I'd let myself down

by having something
I'd said was off-limits.

♪

It makes people anxious often

to think about the shame
and the guilt

that's underneath dieting.

And, so, when we think
about letting go

of our food roles, we're also,
on an unconscious level,

letting go
of our sense of control.

And, you know, diet culture
tells us, of course,

we can and we should be able
to control our bodies.

♪

Even when she went
to university,

she wasn't well, really,

but she just showed
enormous courage.

And we didn't want her to go,

but I could sort of see
that she was starting

to take the control back herself

and to deal with it.

And just learning to step back
and let her do that

was... was what we did.

I think it's 'cause...

I don't know when,
but at some point I realized,

I realized I wanted to live
and not just survive.

I'd been just surviving
for so long

but feeling so awful

that I actually wanted
to get to a place

where I was living
and enjoying things

rather than going
through the motions

day in and day out.

♪

When it comes to diets...
And what's the new one, keto?

Keto, I think that's the new one

and people are going crazy
over that.

I thought I was
gonna jump on it, Googled it,

I said, "No, that's way
too much effort to me."

Why can't we just have
a healthy, balanced lifestyle?

We can't have a healthy,
balanced lifestyle

because... well, we can,
but it's very difficult

and it's going to be
very difficult

because of money.

Money makes everything
a problem for somebody.

The rich eat well,
the poor eat shit.

And as someone who considers
myself as working class...

I've not yet really reached
celebrity status.

When I get there,
things might change,

but until then,
I am definitely living

below the breadline
and, um, it's hard.

I feel that I am this way
because of lots of factors,

but one of the main things

is that all we ever had
enough money to eat

was what we could afford
which is Iceland food,

cheap and cheerful, ASDA,

microwave meals
because everyone's parents,

family, guardians, whatever,
are working so hard

to put money on the table
that they can't cook us

venison and, uh, shrimp
for dinner.

♪

From day one, when we go

into our nutrition
and public health degrees,

we are taught
that socioeconomic disparities

drive health inequality,

and it's like a given,
it's a fact,

and then it never gets
touched on ever again

and we barely talk about it.

♪

We have quite a strong body
of research now that shows

that the primary determinants
of all of these conditions

is socioeconomic status,

and it goes simply beyond
baseline income level,

but, actually, is more
pronounced in societies

where the wealth gap
between the very rich

and poorest in society
is the largest.

And that's why
for health statistics,

the countries
with the leading issues

in chronic lifestyle disease

are the UK, the United States,
and Australia

because they typically have
the biggest wealth disparity.

♪

And so the big rhetoric
either from government

or from food industry
is that, you know,

everyone just needs
to eat better.

But then we look at
the urban environments

and food deserts, and we see

that, actually,
all of the fast food chains

and the quick convenience foods,

which are kind of lower
in minerals and nutrients

than kind of whole foods,

are disproportionately in areas

of low economic advantage.

When you add other barriers in,

like increasing consumption
of energy away from the home,

lack of food preparation skills,

time is a huge barrier
for low socioeconomic families

because, often, there could be
single-parent households,

two jobs, and we have

all of these social
and economic barriers

that we're not talking about,

and unless we start
talking about those issues,

we're not going to make
progress.

Be it jerk chicken
and rice and peas,

or an Iceland microwave tin

which was something Mom had
to "psh, psh, psh" together,

as you're eating that,
you're drooling

over McDonald's
and Burger King adverts

and KFC adverts

and, um, "buy this"
and "just on offer today,

Birds Eye Chicken Dippers."

"Get two for 12 pound
Iceland today."

You want us to be healthy.

Where's the whole foods
advertisements on TV at 7:00?

I've not seen any of those.

You want us to be healthy.

Why isn't everything
just organic then?

You... you know?

Not only is that
evidentially unsustainable,

I think it's morally
unsustainable now

to put personal responsibility
on people

without modifying
the environment in their favor

that allows them to take
any personal responsibility.

If we're really serious
about reversing

or reducing the burden
of chronic lifestyle disease,

we need to start viewing this
as a political issue,

and we need to start viewing it

as the socioeconomic issue
that it is,

and we need to start looking

at that very high level
for solutions

because it's really
the only place

where hard answers are going
to come to hard questions.

And the real question
within that is,

do we have political parties
that are brave enough

to take that step?

And that's a question
that I would not be

particularly confident on

in certainly the countries
that have embraced

the neoliberal economic model.

♪

What strikes me is the lack
of urgency about this,

that assimilation
and eradication.

This is what we're talking about

when we talk about...
When people are suggesting

weight correction
as the way forward.

Health at Every Size
is a concept

that was coined by Linda Bacon
and Lucy Aphramor,

and the best way to describe it

is that it's
a social justice movement

that's designed to creating
and delivering

inclusive and accessible care
for everybody.

So, I focus on body respect
and health gain,

where health gain
resides in justice.

If we want health,
we need a fair society,

we need to talk about trauma,

we need to be
compassion-centered.

And so how that translates
to working

as a Health at Every Size
practitioner, for example,

is I position my clients
as the experts

because they're the ones
that know what feels right

in their body,
they're the ones that know

what fits with their lives
in terms of healthcare.

But at the same time,
I'm also teaching them

that critical awareness
by bringing in research

and helping them
to really unpack

those internalized messages
from diet culture.

Vicious cycle.

Hundred percent vicious cycle.

I'm actually
really quite inspired

by the idea of intuitive eating.

I think it's something that
you have to be very careful

to kind of embark on
because it's very easy to say,

"Well, I'll eat intuitively,"

but if you're still ruled
by assorted eating thoughts,

you may just not eat enough
or you may completely cut back

because you'll think
your body is saying one thing

when, really, your thoughts

have control over you, actually.

The thoughts
are saying something

and it's not your hunger
you're listening to.

So, intuitive eating
is a framework

that is designed to get you
to reconnect with your body,

and it was developed
by Evelyn Tribole

and Elyse Resch
in the mid-1990s.

And the reason why
it's so important right now

is because it's
a really radical concept

and a really radical framework
in diet culture,

where we're constantly
being bombarded with messages

about what to eat
and how to eat.

Intuitively eating teaches us
how to strip those back

and how to regain trust
in our bodies.

Jubilee Line, the next train
to Wembley Park

will depart from Platform 14
in one minute.

I'm just a secret...
I'm a secret eater

because I was so ashamed
to do it in public.

I reached a level of confidence

where I didn't really mind,

but it seems to have
disappeared again

and, now, even if I am
really hungry

and I do just want some chips
from McDonald's,

I just... I can't, I won't do it.

I don't want to do it,
I feel bad,

even though everyone
has chips from, um,

has chips from McDonald's.

People always ask,

"Well, if I improve
my relationship with food,"

and one of those things
to do that

is giving yourself
unconditional permission

to eat all foods,

where nothing
is officially off the table,

they go, "well,
I'm just gonna put weight on.

I'm just gonna keep
gaining weight.

I did that once, I tried
to give myself permission

and I just gained weight."

The difficulty is that

if you're giving yourself
permission,

but you still have an end goal
of weight loss,

then you don't really have
unconditional permission.

Everything that you do
is still conditional

on not gaining weight,

and it brings fear
back into the equation

because we're afraid
of gaining weight.

And when we're afraid,
we then restrict

because restriction
comes from fear.

We're diverse individuals,
we're complex creatures,

so we need a wide range
of things to help us cope.

However, some of the foods
that we use to cope

with our emotions
are vilified in diet culture.

I mean, when we're feeling sad
or upset,

we're not gonna go
for a plate of kale.

We want to go
for a piece of cake,

or we want to go for some pasta,

or we want to go for something
that, generally speaking,

gets vilified by diet culture

because it has sugar
or carbohydrates.

And there's so much
fearmongering

around those kind of foods,

that when we then
go to reach for them,

when we're feeling emotional,
we experience shame and guilt.

♪

Also, food is deeply emotional
all by itself.

You know,
our first relationships

are mediated through food.

And so that means
that, quite often,

food can help us to process

or go back
to certain comfortable,

more pleasant points in time.

So that's not a cause
for condemnation.

That should be quite
a strong cause for compassion

and either seeking
or offering support to someone.

♪

I think also realizing

that the experts
might be able to help,

'cause I lost faith in them
along the way.

And I think Hannah's had support

from one particularly
good person in recent years

who was actually
a family therapist

who I also did some work with.

Do you remember, we used to do
all these albums?

I think she always saw me
as a person,

not as an illness, and I think
sometimes along the way

professionals would only see you
as an illness,

and especially as I got older

and I was no longer a teenager.

When I was... I was an adult
or I am an adult,

it was really hard when
you get treated like a child

because I could acknowledge
that I was unwell,

but actually I was still me.

Your hair.

Then, we went to Istanbul
afterwards.

I think that's what we did.

I wonder if had things
been addressed earlier on

in the right way,
then the outcome may have been

quite drastically different
and it wouldn't have taken

two years of my life
in an inpatient unit

and a lot, a lot
of challenges, yeah.

Yeah, I do question that,
and in fact,

you sort of beat yourself up
slightly and think,

"Why didn't I spot it earlier,"

and all this sort of stuff.

And, um,

you kind of have to learn
to live with that

because you did what you did.

Okay, great.

So, tonight,
I'm gonna cook that cake.

No, actually, I think
I'm gonna do the cookies,

I'm gonna do the chocolate chip.

♪

♪

So, yesterday, I was invited
down to Sunday Morning Live

with the BBC to talk about
body positive yoga.

I'm with a group of women
who refuse to let the opinions

of others shame them into
worrying about their health.

And that was wonderful,
we had the yoga class,

a few stretches,
sun salutations,

all that good stuff,
breathe, breathe, breathe.

Now, most people might say,
"What's more important,

body confidence
or good health?"

What would you say to that?

I think the two
have to coincide.

You have to be... in order
to be confident,

you need to be healthy.

In order to be healthy,
you have to have

some level of confidence
to go and pursue that.

So, then, they interviewed
a white guy

about the age of 40,
maybe even hitting 50.

Now, one man who knows more
about losing weight

is Chris Zaremba.

Now, Chris, lovely to meet you.

At one point, you weighed
18 stone, is that right?

That's right, when I was 50,
I was 18 stone.

Right, and we've got
some before and after photos

that we can have a look at.

It's pretty amazing
how much weight you've lost.

He started to speak
on his journey

of losing weight himself,
um, once being 18 stone,

which they said like it was,
like,

"Oh, you used to be a murderer.

Oh, you used to be 18 stone."

It was the exact same tone.

And I'm like, "Bitch,
last time I checked the scale,

I think I was hitting 20,
so what you trying to say?"

Being 18 stone,
I was technically obese.

I had very high blood pressure,

I had high levels
of lousy cholesterol,

the LDL cholesterol,
and I was borderline diabetic.

- Oh, goodness.
- And the GP told me

that if I didn't change my ways

and got a little more
into fitness

and a little away from fatness,

then it's possible I might
not see my 60th birthday.

Then he went on to speak
about weight loss

which he then corrected
and said,

"Well, actually, fat loss.

It was losing the fat
that I had to do."

And, again,
I'm there stretching,

downward facing dog
or whatever, thinking,

"If I could just get up
and punch this fool

in the face, I would."

But of course, again,
it's the BBC

and I don't want
to embarrass myself,

so I had to hold it down.

But then when I spoke
to the women afterwards,

it turns out that we all felt
the exact same way,

we all felt just as disappointed

in that moment as we all did,
but what can we do?

We're filming at 8:00 a.m.

for something to be broadcast
at 11:00.

What exactly are we gonna do?

So it's kind of like,
how can we go against this?

And then I sort of realized,

"I don't know if we can."

Here we go.

♪

This is The Real Catwalk,

and you're here to witness
true journeys of self-love,

the love for others,
acceptance, compassion

of whoever we are

in all of our bodies, shapes,
colors, sizes, abilities,

lived differences,
mental health,

we're celebrating all of it.

So, support them.

Give your applause,
scream, do whatever.

They'll do a little dance.

Our positions are here.

Enjoy the show.

♪

Ready?

Go.

♪

We're here for The Real Catwalk
in Trafalgar Square.

It's all about body positivity.

It doesn't matter who you are,
what shape you are,

what size you are,
what disability

or ability you have,
you are beautiful,

and I just think
it needs to be out there more.

♪

There's just...

Do you know how many bodies
look like mine?

I'm really...

You know, I mean, I am unique,
but not really,

because there's many women
who are apple-shaped,

pear-shaped, hourglass-shaped,

but there's just rolls
and jiggly bits everywhere.

The Real Catwalk is a flash mob

guerilla-style fashion show
in the middle of the public

and where people come
to celebrate themselves

and each other
in our differences.

♪

So it's amazing just to see

so many different varieties
of body types,

whether you've got an illness,
a disability,

whether you're
apparently "not perfect"

like the media shows.

It's just amazing to see
everybody happy with themselves

and supporting each other
as well.

When I heard there was
a bikini underwear shoot

in Trafalgar Square,
what better way is there

to get my point across

that all these beautiful people,

every body is different,
and yet they're all gorgeous.

It doesn't matter your color,
your shape,

the shape of your body,
your size.

It doesn't matter
if you have birthmarks,

if you have scars or not.

It doesn't matter,
you know, who you are.

♪

With me being in a wheelchair
just to prove...

To show people
that it doesn't matter

how you look or what difference

you think you are.

We're all people.

♪

To get everyone out,
everyone set out

to show off their stuff,
strut their stuff,

get out there, be loud, be bold.

♪

Take your time.

♪

Everyone making judgments,
so the best thing you can do

is deal with it, get over it,

and break that boundary anyway.

These days, I wear crop tops
and I don't feel no way.

When people look at me
on the train,

I don't get offended.

To me, it's like, "Look more."

I'd rather just... I'd just do
a catwalk for everyone,

"Look at me, look at me."

I walk with my head held high.

And if my thighs, my arms,
my back fat is hanging out,

I don't give a fuck.

Well, I do, so I try to...
I might just tuck it back in.

But apart from that,
I couldn't care less

because you need to see me
and you need to see more of me

and, preferably, you need to see

as much of me as possible

so that you recognize
and acknowledge

every other woman on this planet

that looks like me.

♪

The anti-diet movement
is getting a lot of traction,

it's growing, especially
in London and the UK.

♪

The Anti Diet Riot Club
is a community and platform

that tries to bring
people together

who have experienced
diet cycling, bad body image.

Maybe they have been in recovery

for eating disorders

or they experienced fat shaming.

And we create a space
for them to come together

and we learn from each other,
educate each other,

and inspire each other
to fight back

against diet culture.

Five, six, seven, go.

One, two, three, four...

♪

Over the course of a year,

what you've eaten
over two weeks of Christmas

really doesn't matter.

How many of you heard maybe
body positive community today?

Raise your hand.

Right, you've heard that
over and over again,

but how do we create community

if we don't ever talk
to each other?

It's not for other people
to make opinions

on your body.

You know, if you want
to touch yourself,

touch yourself.

Go do it, explore yourself.

Don't wait for a man to come up

and give you an orgasm.

Give yourself an orgasm first.

And years and years and years
of waiting

to be the right size,
waiting to be thin,

and then my life could begin,

then I could do
all these fabulous things,

then I could do all the things
I've ever dreamt of.

And I remember getting
into my thirties,

and I was like,
"God, is this it?

Have I got to keep waiting?

Because it's boring!"

So if you heard the phrase,
which was the entire room,

"act like a lady,"
what did that mean

when someone said that
or maybe you said it?

What did it mean
when someone said it?

Yes.

- Be quiet.
- Be quiet, good.

What else? Yeah, shout out.

- Inhibit yourself.
- Inhibit yourself, good.

- Sit nicely.
- Sit nicely.

Can you show me
what "sit nicely" looks like?

Yes.

And how would you describe
the body size of someone

that is a lady?

Small!

Skinny, small, thin.

- Slight.
- Slight. Is that British?

Slight.

So where does it come from?

Patriarchy. Where else?

- Colonialism.
- Okay, I'm coming back to that.

Yeah, white supremacy.

Y'all are too smart. What?

Toxic masculinity.

Toxic masculinity, good, yeah,
what else?

White supremacy,
capitalism, yeah.

People telling us things
that we all need to hear

and start talking about...

I feel like it's being
stretched right now,

because anybody is using
the term "body positivity"

to describe how they look
nowadays,

and it's not fair for the women

who are still being marginalized

because we're still fighting
to be seen

in mainstream media.

♪

Body positivity
is a political movement

that tries to celebrate people
with marginalized bodies

and gives them the space
to express themselves

and to feel beautiful
and to have their voice heard.

So, for fat and people
of color and disabled folks,

that's a really important
origin of body positivity,

and it's kind of become
a little bit watered down

in the way that brands
talk about themselves

as being body positive,
when they still

only really celebrate
or represent

quite restrictive type of body.

One, two, three.

Yeah!

In many ways, diet culture
is rebranding itself

and it's trying to appear
like it is for women,

such as Weight Watchers becoming

a new wellness initiative

or Special K
trying to bolster women

to energize them with food,

and it's that sneaky side of it,

where people think
that they are rebelling

against diet culture
all the while

reinforcing that their value
is based on the way they look.

Businesses can do a lot
to reduce

some of the toxicity
that they're putting out

because, obviously,
they have huge influence

in how people view themselves.

I miss you guys so much!

Um, if you want to make
a change in your life,

you have to be determined
to make that change.

You can't wait for, like,
New Year's to come around

because it doesn't work.

If you want to make a change,
you just got to make it.

Like a cake!

Like a cake, like a bloody cake!

What are you gonna do about it,

You know what I mean?

To be body positive
is to be inclusive

of every... every single body

because we all struggle
with insecurities. Why?

Because we're all governed
and controlled

and taught what to like
by the media,

which is not our friend.

Through social media,
we are changing things

and making it
so much more powerful.

♪

Another here!

I think the whole
non-diet movement

is really, really growing.

I think it's going to grow
in popularity

over the next couple of years.

I do think there will be
a backlash to that

by the diet industry

because it's such
a huge industry

and because people are still
very attached to this idea

that being thin is better,

and there's gonna be a backlash

in the sense that people
will be so reluctant

to let that go that
they will double down on that.

Personally, dream life

is that bodies
are completely irrelevant,

that we can just acknowledge
that we all have this thing

that we're somehow blind to it,
that we just...

I mean, who we are as people
is all that's relevant.

That's how it feels to me

is that who I am as a person
and my actions

and my authenticity,

that's what's valuable about me.

My body is entirely irrelevant.

Hi!

- Oh, it's so good to meet you.
- So good to meet you too.

- Are you excited today?
- I'm so excited.

I can't wait to get shooting.

Oh, I'm feeling exposed.

Nice to meet you
completely naked.

Yes, you too, great, great body.

Thanks, babe, and to you.

Girl, thank you.

I've been working out, you know,

eating a couple less muffins.

It's really important
to think about things

like race, class, social status

when we're thinking about bodies

and understanding bodies

because we can't get away
from the fact

that bodies are political,

how we view bodies in society
are political,

are socially informed.

I'm already a bottle deep,
just to be clear.

I'm only having so much fun
exploring my body

because I'm doing it
on my own terms.

I can't listen to my mom
anymore.

I don't speak to her,
but I can't listen

to that voice
that is the voice of my mother.

I can't listen to friends
and other people

because they have had
different experiences.

The only person
who I can listen to is me.

♪

I have... I'll have weeks

where I just eat takeout

and I'm just... I've just got
a hectic week

and I've just got to grab
something quick.

But, like, you know, like
we're all "burning calories,"

like food is fuel,
and if you're moving,

whatever you're doing,

you need that fuel
to keep you going.

Just eat, like...

♪

If I feel good, I eat.

If I don't feel good, I eat.

Like, it varies, sometimes
I have a very balanced diet,

sometimes I don't
like everybody else.

So it all depends on my mood,
how I'm feeling,

if I'm going hard in the gym,

if I'm not going hard
in the gym.

I think in terms
of like emotions I will eat,

but I do always try
to make a conscious effort

to mind what I eat,
but I do like a cake.

I do like cake.

It's my favorite thing.

We can find our baseline
or a set point weight

which, by the way, fluctuates.

It's not actually a number,
it's a range.

And we can find that
by re-engaging

with our body signals,
and there's no way of knowing

what your set point weight
is until you're there.

Oi! Oi!

♪

One thing I love to measure
as success in my clients

is how do they feel
mentally and physically?

What are
their energy levels like

on a day-to-day basis?

How well are they sleeping?

How's their relationship
to their family?

How's their relationship
with food?

Those, to me, seem far more
powerful indicators

of what health is
than ever just being,

"Oh, look how lean I am,"
or, "Look how, you know,

you can see my six-pack,

or, "Look how big my arms are."

Those things are all
very superficial.

- In the morning.
- Are you?

Woo-hoo-hoo!

♪

So I would say now my diet
is incredibly varied.

I have no food rules.

There are no good foods,
there are no bad foods,

there are no foods
I can or cannot eat.

That has been
utterly liberating for me.

And based on how I feel now,

that's how I educate my clients

and educate my followers
on social media platforms

to apply those same principles.

Okay.

♪

So, some people,
they'll come into treatment

and they will say,
"Maybe, maybe, you know,

I just didn't try hard enough,

and actually, if I put
everything I know together

and do it one more time,
then it will just be easier,"

but that, again,
is part of that fear

of giving up this promise
that we clung to for so long

about a quick fix
or an easier way out

than going into the deep,

messy, painful, emotional stuff.

And, sometimes, you know,
sometimes people just need

to be disappointed, you know,

they need to try
that one last diet

and see that
it still hasn't worked

and it still doesn't
change anything

for them to come back and say,
"Okay, I'm done.

I'm divorcing diets,

and I'm ready to start
my new life

and my new relationship
with myself."

♪

I think it's also
really important

to keep your own
family dynamics going,

because it's very damaging
to family relationships.

And I've taken up every course
in town

and I learned a lot.

Sometimes you have to learn
the hard way.

But it's been
a very long journey.

♪

But... but now it does feel
so much better, and...

♪

I'm incredibly proud of...

of what Hannah does every day.

And I kind of know that she'll
get there on her own now.

♪

♪

For me, more than anti-diet,
more than anything else,

the key to finding
some sense of healing

has been through compassion,

non-judgmental compassion
and kindness.

I mean it's pretty incredible
the extremes

that my body's been through
and, yet, here it is,

I'm still surviving.

So, you know,
I just have to take

what I can be grateful for,

acknowledge the days
that are really difficult

and just, you know,
keep moving on.

♪

I think that the fact
that my family

never gave up hope
that things could be different

is the reason why I'm here today

because had they not,
had they not believed in me,

I wouldn't... I didn't
believe in myself,

so I needed my family,

and I had some
really great friends as well

who always told me
that things could be different

and that it didn't
have to be that way,

and I think because of that...

♪

I am here now.

♪

I started to realize
that even though

I have been through a lot
and the trauma is deep,

I don't like pity parties.

Then, I tried to see, well,

everyone's been through
some stuff.

Everyone's got trauma,

everyone's family lives
haven't been perfect,

everyone struggles
with their eating habits,

everyone struggles
with their insecurities

and their appearance, okay.

So if I'm getting this healing

and I feel like I've been
at the bottom of the heap,

there's no way that everyone
can't get it themselves

because we have all been
underestimated

in some way, shape, or form.

And to be underestimated

is one of the greatest
vantage points,

because no one
is looking at you,

so you take your time,
you observe, and like me,

you ride in
on a chariot of fire.

If I can put this body out there

that has been violated publicly
and in private,

that I have violated myself
sometimes

and my self-harm
and the issues that I have,

if this can reach
any amount of love,

if this can get on stage
at Glastonbury...

♪

If I can, then, yeah,
I will wave this flag,

scream on the top
of rooftops and shout

and be that champion
for everyone else,

because I can't keep
this happiness to myself.

Nah, that'd be too selfish.

You get a bag! You get a bag!

You get... you know,
everyone gets a piece of it.

♪

So I'm hoping
that we get to a point

where this topic
is talked about so frequently

that it becomes normal
to talk about it and it's okay

and it becomes normal to say,
"Yeah, I have a problem

with my relationship with food.

I would like it to improve."

♪

It becomes normal to say,

"Yeah, I'm afraid of being fat,

and I'd like to work out
whether that fear

is coming from a real place."

We don't all need
to change overnight,

but we need to be willing
to talk about it.

♪

Unsubscribe from...

From the thin ideal.

Other people's expectations
of you.

Unsubscribe from social media.

♪

From women's magazines.

Food guilt.

Unsubscribe from...

From the idea
that fat equals unhealthy.

Conformity.

Unsubscribe from...

♪

Hang on, I'm gonna think
about that for a second.

Unsubscribe from accounts
on social media

that you make you feel bad
about yourself.

Punishing your body.

Society's standard of beauty.

From white supremacy
and fatphobia.

Unsubscribe from the voice
in your head

that wasn't yours
in the first place.

How about just unsubscribe
from self-loathing?

Instagram accounts
that don't back up claims

with evidence
like the Medical Medium,

anything that promotes
celery juice,

and anything that makes you
feel bad in your person

or body or health status.

Being pressured by diet culture.

♪