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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:10,144 --> 00:00:12,580 - * ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SIX * 2 00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:13,714 * SHAKE IT, DUDE 3 00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:21,689 * 4 00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:37,571 - * CUE THE PULSE TO BEGIN 5 00:00:37,605 --> 00:00:43,577 * 6 00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:49,817 * CUE THE PULSE TO BEGIN 7 00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:53,587 * CUE THE PULSE TO BEGIN * 8 00:00:53,621 --> 00:00:56,056 * CUE THE PULSE TO BEGIN 9 00:00:59,127 --> 00:01:00,694 [moaning] 10 00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:04,332 [clattering] 11 00:01:10,538 --> 00:01:13,474 [both grunting] 12 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:23,484 - COME HERE, COME HERE, COME HERE, COME HERE. 13 00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:31,259 - [grunting] 14 00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:33,327 OH, THAT FEEL... - FEEL GOOD, BABY? 15 00:01:33,361 --> 00:01:34,728 - YEAH, YEAH. THAT'S IT. 16 00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:35,863 YEAH, RIGHT THERE. DON'T STOP. 17 00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:38,199 [doorbell rings] 18 00:01:38,232 --> 00:01:40,201 RIGHT THERE, DON'T STOP. DON'T STOP. 19 00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:41,535 - [growls] 20 00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:43,337 - KEEP GOING, I'M COMING. - OH, YEAH. 21 00:01:43,371 --> 00:01:44,338 [doorbell rings] 22 00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:47,208 - AH, FUCKIN' DOORBELL. 23 00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:49,243 - I'M COMING, I'M COM-- I'M COMING! 24 00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:51,512 - [panting] COME ON. 25 00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:53,347 - OH, YEAH. 26 00:01:53,381 --> 00:01:55,416 [doorbell rings] 27 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:56,550 - OH! 28 00:01:58,319 --> 00:02:00,188 - HELLO, SIR. I'M CHARLOTTE 29 00:02:00,221 --> 00:02:01,889 AND THIS IS AMANDA, AND WE'RE HERE TO TALK TO YOU 30 00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:03,624 ABOUT PROPOSITION 14. 31 00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:04,925 ARE YOU AWARE OF IT? 32 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,760 - YES, I'M AWARE OF IT. - GOOD. 33 00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:09,230 THEN WE NEEDN'T TELL YOU HOW IMPORTANT IT IS THESE DAYS 34 00:02:09,263 --> 00:02:11,265 TO PROTECT THE HOLY BONDS OF MATRIMONY, 35 00:02:11,299 --> 00:02:12,633 AND THE AMERICAN FAMILY. 36 00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:14,535 - ISN'T THAT THE GOD'S-HONEST TRUTH? 37 00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:15,536 - ARE YOU MARRIED? 38 00:02:15,569 --> 00:02:16,537 - I MOST CERTAINLY AM. 39 00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:17,938 - WELL, IN THAT CASE, 40 00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:19,907 WE'D LOVE TO SPEAK WITH YOU AND YOUR WIFE. 41 00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:22,910 - HONEY, THERE ARE SOME VERY SWEET LADIES HERE 42 00:02:22,943 --> 00:02:26,314 URGING US TO SUPPORT PROPOSITION 14. 43 00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:27,315 - DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN? 44 00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:28,916 - A SON AND A DAUGHTER. 45 00:02:28,949 --> 00:02:30,651 - OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL. 46 00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:32,186 - GOOD AFTERNOON, LADIES. 47 00:02:32,220 --> 00:02:33,787 - THIS IS MY LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND. 48 00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:37,525 - AND THIS IS MY LAWFULLY WEDDED HUSBAND. 49 00:02:37,558 --> 00:02:39,527 AND WE ARE GOING TO DO EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER 50 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:42,330 TO DEFEAT PROPOSITION 14. 51 00:02:42,363 --> 00:02:43,431 - I SEE. - OKAY. 52 00:02:43,464 --> 00:02:45,266 - WELL, GOOD AFTERNOON THEN. 53 00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:46,567 - HEY, THANKS FOR STOPPING BY. 54 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:47,568 - WE'LL BE SURE TO VOTE. 55 00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:50,571 - BYE-BYE. 56 00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:58,946 - I CAUGHT THAT. 57 00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:00,414 - CAUGHT WHAT? 58 00:03:00,448 --> 00:03:01,849 - THAT SUBTLE EXCHANGE OF SMILES 59 00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:03,717 THAT CAN INDICATE ONLY ONE THING: 60 00:03:03,751 --> 00:03:06,687 "IS YOUR ASS AS SORE AS MINE?" 61 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,356 - FUCKING CHRIST, THEODORE, 62 00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:09,957 IS THERE ANYONE IN THIS BURG YOU HAVEN'T BONED 63 00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:11,759 SINCE YOUR EXTREME MAKE-OVER? 64 00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:13,427 - WELL, LET'S JUST SAY THAT 65 00:03:13,461 --> 00:03:15,229 IF THEY DON'T GET A FRESH SUPPLY IN SOON, 66 00:03:15,263 --> 00:03:17,765 I'LL BE FORCED TO MOVE TO PHILADELPHIA. 67 00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:20,901 YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS USED TO WONDER 68 00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:23,471 WHAT IT'D BE LIKE TO HAVE ANY GUY I WANTED. 69 00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:24,705 NOW I KNOW. 70 00:03:24,738 --> 00:03:26,474 - AND? 71 00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:30,478 - AND IT'S, UH, GREAT. 72 00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:33,581 HEY, LOOK WHO IT IS. MICHAEL. 73 00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:34,848 - HEY, TEDDY. 74 00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:36,016 HEY, EM. 75 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:39,253 - HI, SWEETIE. 76 00:03:39,287 --> 00:03:40,488 - WELL, IF YOU BOYS WILL EXCUSE ME, 77 00:03:40,521 --> 00:03:43,223 I HAVE TO GET BACK TO WORK. 78 00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:49,229 - YEAH, I GOT TO GET BACK TO THE STORE. 79 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:52,866 - BUSY DAY? 80 00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,402 - YEAH. THIS COMIC BOOK COLLECTION 81 00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:56,036 I BOUGHT OFF EBAY JUST ARRIVED. 82 00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:58,606 IT'S GOING TO TAKE ME WEEKS TO INSPECT AND GRADE THEM. 83 00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:00,808 - WELL, BETTER HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT. 84 00:04:00,841 --> 00:04:01,775 WHAT'LL IT BE? 85 00:04:01,809 --> 00:04:03,544 - I THINK I'LL HAVE... 86 00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:04,678 - ARE YOU AND BRIAN NEVER GOING 87 00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:06,280 TO TALK TO EACH OTHER AGAIN? 88 00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:07,881 - MA... - MICHAEL, 89 00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:11,018 YOU'VE BEEN FRIENDS, BROTHERS, SINCE YOU WERE KIDS. 90 00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:13,754 YOU LOVE EACH OTHER. 91 00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:16,657 YOU GOING TO LET A LIFETIME, A FUCKING HISTORY, 92 00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:19,293 GO DOWN THE DRAIN 'CAUSE OF SOME CHILDISH DISAGREEMENT? 93 00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:22,029 AND BELIEVE ME, I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 94 00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:23,431 - IT'S NOT CHILDISH. 95 00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:26,367 AND IT'S NOT JUST A DISAGREEMENT. 96 00:04:26,400 --> 00:04:27,801 HE DISRESPECTS EVERY CHOICE I'VE MADE. 97 00:04:27,835 --> 00:04:30,638 HE MOCKS ME FOR WANTING A FAMILY AND A HOME. 98 00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:32,373 HE CALLS ME A DEFECTOR. 99 00:04:32,406 --> 00:04:34,575 HE EVEN BLAMES ME FOR HIS AND JUSTIN'S BREAK-UP. 100 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:37,511 HE SAYS I INFECTED HIM. 101 00:04:37,545 --> 00:04:38,779 WELL, HE CAN THINK WHATEVER HE WANTS, 102 00:04:38,812 --> 00:04:40,581 AND CALL ME WHATEVER HE PLEASES. 103 00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:43,684 IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE. 104 00:04:43,717 --> 00:04:47,054 I'LL HAVE THE TUNA FISH ON WHOLE WHEAT WITH A LEMON BAR. 105 00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:49,557 HOLD THE REMARKS. 106 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:53,093 - WE'RE GOING DOOR-TO-DOOR TODAY 107 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,395 TO TRY AND GET PEOPLE TO LISTEN. 108 00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:56,397 A LOT OF THEM MAY NOT WANT TO, 109 00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:57,665 SO DON'T BE DISCOURAGED 110 00:04:57,698 --> 00:04:59,066 IF YOU GET DOORS SLAMMED IN YOUR FACE. 111 00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:00,768 JUST BE COURTEOUS, 112 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:01,969 MAKE YOUR POINT SUCCINCTLY, 113 00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:04,938 AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT ENGAGE. 114 00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:06,440 - THAT MEANS DON'T LOSE YOUR FUCKING TEMPER 115 00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:07,841 AND SHOOT OFF YOUR BIG MOUTH. 116 00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:09,843 - [chuckles] EXACTLY. GOOD LUCK. 117 00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:13,347 - READY? - YEAH. 118 00:05:13,381 --> 00:05:14,948 I HOPE THEY DON'T COME OUT SWINGING, 119 00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:16,950 NOT WITH THE FORTUNE I JUST SPENT ON MY FACE. 120 00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,886 - AH, AND WHAT A LOVELY FACE IT IS TOO. 121 00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:20,821 YOU MUST GET LOTS OF COMPLIMENTS. 122 00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,356 - I'M GETTING MORE THAN THAT. 123 00:05:22,390 --> 00:05:24,825 HEH-HEH-HEH. 124 00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,894 BUT TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, 125 00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:28,496 SOMETHING'S MISSING. 126 00:05:28,529 --> 00:05:29,963 - LOVE, COMMITMENT? 127 00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:31,499 - YEAH, SOMETHING LIKE THAT. 128 00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:32,966 - WHAT YOU NEED'S A HUSBAND. - [scoffs] 129 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,969 FIRST I NEED A BOYFRIEND. 130 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,038 BUT WHAT WON'T BE EASY. 131 00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:39,973 MY STANDARDS ARE RIDICULOUSLY HIGH. 132 00:05:40,007 --> 00:05:42,710 I WANT SOMEONE WHO'S FINANCIALLY SECURE, 133 00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:44,612 WITH A FACE LIKE BRAD PITT, 134 00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:45,913 A BODY LIKE BRAD PITT, 135 00:05:45,946 --> 00:05:48,716 AND HUNG LIKE... WELL, JUST HUNG. 136 00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:50,651 - THAT'S NOT SO RIDICULOUS. THAT'S ABSURD. 137 00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,586 LISTEN, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO GET HITCHED, 138 00:05:52,620 --> 00:05:53,987 WHAT YOU NEED'S A JEWISH GUY. 139 00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:55,155 THEY MAKE THE BEST MARRIAGE MATERIAL. 140 00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:56,790 - THEY DO? - YEAH, PROVIDED YOU CAN 141 00:05:56,824 --> 00:05:58,926 GET PAST THE INCESTUOUS RELATIONSHIP THEY HAVE 142 00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:02,663 WITH THEIR MOTHERS THAT LASTS BEYOND THE GRAVE. 143 00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:04,398 - GOOD AFTERNOON, SIR. 144 00:06:04,432 --> 00:06:05,866 WE'RE HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT PROPOSITION 14. 145 00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:08,168 WE'LL ONLY TAKE A MINUTE OF YOUR TIME. 146 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:11,539 - OR LESS. 147 00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:13,741 WELL, IT MAY NOT BE EASY, 148 00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:16,176 BUT AT LEAST IT GETS YOU OUT OF THE HOUSE. 149 00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:17,878 - THAT'S WHAT MICHAEL SAID: 150 00:06:17,911 --> 00:06:20,748 KEEPING BUSY WOULD TAKE MY MIND OFF HUNTER. 151 00:06:20,781 --> 00:06:22,082 SO FAR IT HASN'T HELPED. 152 00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:24,418 - GIVE IT TIME. 153 00:06:24,452 --> 00:06:26,186 - HOW MUCH TIME? A LIFETIME? 154 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,521 BECAUSE THAT'S HOW LONG IT'S GOING TO TAKE 155 00:06:27,555 --> 00:06:30,524 FOR ME TO FORGET ABOUT HIM. 156 00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:35,929 - OH, UH, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU FOLKS? 157 00:06:35,963 --> 00:06:38,165 - WE'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT PROPOSITION 14. 158 00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:40,033 - IT'S VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU VOTE NO. 159 00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:41,769 - WHY'S THAT, SON? 160 00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,904 - IF IT PASSES, GAY MEN AND WOMEN 161 00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:45,939 WILL LOSE THE SAME RIGHTS THAT OTHER AMERICANS HAVE. 162 00:06:45,973 --> 00:06:47,808 - AND WHO'S TO SAY WHAT'S NEXT? 163 00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:50,043 THE ELDERLY COULD LOSE THEIR SOCIAL SECURITY, 164 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:52,580 WOMEN COULD LOSE THE RIGHT TO HAVE AN ABORTION. 165 00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:54,515 - I SEE YOUR POINT. 166 00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:56,116 YOU'VE GOT MY VOTE. 167 00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:58,085 - DAD? 168 00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:00,053 WHO'S AT THE DOOR? - HELLO. 169 00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:02,590 UH, WE WERE JUST TALKING TO YOUR FATHER 170 00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:05,058 ABOUT VOTING NO FOR PROPOSITION 14. 171 00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:07,928 - MY FATHER HASN'T VOTED IN TEN YEARS. 172 00:07:07,961 --> 00:07:09,863 HE HAS ALZHEIMER'S. 173 00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:12,099 COME ON, DAD. 174 00:07:14,702 --> 00:07:16,904 - TRUST ME, JIM. 175 00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:20,541 LOOK, WHY DON'T WE HAVE LUNCH TOMORROW? 176 00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:21,842 I'LL PLY YOU WITH MARTINIS. 177 00:07:21,875 --> 00:07:26,246 AND I GUARANTEE YOU WILL SEE THINGS MY WAY. 178 00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:27,881 OH. 179 00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:33,487 FELDON'S LOSING HIS HARD-ON FOR THE NEW HOME STATION AD. 180 00:07:33,521 --> 00:07:37,257 - WELL, YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, IT'S A BIT SUGGESTIVE. 181 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:40,994 - YOU ALSO HAVE TO ADMIT IT'S GENIUS. 182 00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:42,630 - HEY LISTEN, HOW ABOUT COMING WITH ME 183 00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:44,832 TO BETH EMMANUEL'S MIXER? 184 00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:47,868 - WHO'S SHE? - IT'S A TEMPLE. 185 00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:50,103 THEY'RE HAVING THEIR MONTHLY GAY GET-TOGETHER AT WOODY'S, 186 00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,573 AND I WANT TO MEET A MENSCH, 187 00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:53,707 SETTLE DOWN. 188 00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:56,744 - CHRIST. AM I THE ONLY FAG 189 00:07:56,777 --> 00:07:58,278 WHO DOESN'T WANT TO PUT A TROUSSEAU TOGETHER 190 00:07:58,311 --> 00:08:00,681 AND WALK DOWN THE AISLE? 191 00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:03,250 - LISTEN, I'M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER. 192 00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:06,720 I'LL BE 35 THIS SUMMER. - 9. 193 00:08:06,754 --> 00:08:08,756 - WHAT? - 39. 194 00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:11,892 - I-- - I'M YOUR EMPLOYER. 195 00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:13,994 THERE'S A PAPER TRAIL. 196 00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:16,296 WHY DON'T YOU ASK JUSTIN? 197 00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:18,165 RUMOR HAS IT HE'S HOT FOR A HUBBY. 198 00:08:18,198 --> 00:08:20,000 - JUST THOUGHT I'D ASK. 199 00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:21,168 - WELL, THERE ARE MANY UNCERTAINTIES 200 00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:22,870 IN THIS LIFE, THEODORE, 201 00:08:22,903 --> 00:08:25,639 MANY MYSTERIES BEYOND OUR COMPREHENSION. 202 00:08:25,673 --> 00:08:27,274 BUT ONE THING I KNOW FOR A FACT: 203 00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:30,578 I WILL NEVER BE MRS. SEYMOUR GOLDFARB. 204 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:38,018 - I WISH WE'D BEEN ABLE TO CONVINCE MORE PEOPLE. 205 00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:40,654 - WELL, THE IMPORTANT THING IS, WE KEEP ON TRYING, HUH? 206 00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:43,791 - YEAH. - OH, UH-- 207 00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:47,027 - AM I LATE? 208 00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,295 - UH, NO. 209 00:08:48,328 --> 00:08:50,664 WE JUST GOT HERE OURSELVES. 210 00:08:50,698 --> 00:08:53,767 - WHO'S HE? - WE'LL TALK LATER. 211 00:08:53,801 --> 00:08:56,637 - WH-- 212 00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:58,806 - HI. - HI. 213 00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:08,849 - KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, HONEY. 214 00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:32,740 - HAVE YOU SEEN A LETTER SIGNED BY JUDGE SALTZMAN? 215 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:41,882 - WONDER HOW IT GOT INTO MY PILE? 216 00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:44,151 - OH, BEATS ME. 217 00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:47,821 - YOU DIDN'T HAPPEN TO SEE AN INVOICE 218 00:09:47,855 --> 00:09:49,890 FROM THE RESNICK GALLERY IN NEW YORK, DID YOU? 219 00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:53,961 - OH, IT'S RIGHT HERE. 220 00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:56,664 MUST'VE GOTTEN MIXED UP WITH MY STUFF BY MISTAKE. 221 00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:00,367 WHAT'S THIS? 222 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:02,369 - OH, THAT'S A PIECE JUSTIN HAS IN THE ART SHOW. 223 00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:06,239 WAIT TILL YOU SEE IT. 224 00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:08,008 YOU ARE COMING TO THE OPENING, AREN'T YOU? 225 00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:11,011 - ACTUALLY, I'M SUPPOSED TO GO OUT WITH, UH-- 226 00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:14,147 - CORINNE. 227 00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:16,249 MEL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO HIDE IT. 228 00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,651 THAT'S OUR ARRANGEMENT: 229 00:10:17,685 --> 00:10:19,286 YOU HAVE YOUR LIFE, I HAVE MINE. 230 00:10:19,319 --> 00:10:21,421 - I KNOW, BUT I DON'T WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. 231 00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,724 IT'S YOUR SHOW. - THAT'S RIGHT, IT'S MY SHOW. 232 00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:26,326 AND I'M INVITING YOU. 233 00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:28,395 AND CORINNE. 234 00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:29,730 - YOU SURE? 235 00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:31,264 - I'M FINE WITH IT. 236 00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:33,834 REALLY. 237 00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:39,807 [sighs] 238 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:43,376 NOW WHAT HAVE I DONE WITH "UNTITLED ONE AND TWO"? 239 00:10:45,913 --> 00:10:48,782 - IT'S RIGHT HERE, UNDER NEWCOMBE VERSUS BUDGE. 240 00:10:51,785 --> 00:10:54,287 [indistinct chatter] 241 00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:56,323 [dog barking] 242 00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:02,162 - WHAT DO YOU THINK? 243 00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:04,231 - OH, A GIRAFFE. ISN'T THAT CUTE? 244 00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:05,298 - IT'S A SWAN. 245 00:11:05,332 --> 00:11:09,837 - OH, I CAN SEE THAT... KIND OF. 246 00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:11,038 - IT'S FOR MY NEXT SEGMENT. 247 00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:13,040 THEY WANT SOMETHING CUTE. 248 00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:14,174 - THERE ARE A COUPLE OF REPORTERS 249 00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:15,909 CAMPED OUT, OUT FRONT. 250 00:11:15,943 --> 00:11:17,210 - SHIT! 251 00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:18,712 - AND LOOK AT THIS. 252 00:11:18,746 --> 00:11:20,447 THEY TOOK AN OLD PHOTOGRAPH OF ME 253 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:22,783 AND MADE IT LOOK LIKE I'M IN BABYLON. 254 00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:24,317 I'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN TO BABYLON. 255 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,219 - YOU KNOW, LAST WEEK THEY PUT POOR LIZA'S HEAD 256 00:11:26,253 --> 00:11:28,321 ON THE BODY OF A 400-POUND WOMAN. 257 00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:30,824 THEN SAID SHE WAS TOO FAT TO GET OUT OF BED. 258 00:11:30,858 --> 00:11:33,460 - YOU CAN'T LET THAT TRASH GET TO YOU. 259 00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:36,797 BESIDES, IT'LL ALL STOP ONCE YOU COME OUT. 260 00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:39,399 - YOU'RE GOING TO COME OUT? 261 00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:42,002 WHEN? HUH? 262 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:43,203 WHERE, HONEY? 263 00:11:43,236 --> 00:11:45,272 - I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET. 264 00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:47,841 - WELL, I SAY LARRY KING. 265 00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:50,744 I MEAN, IF IT WAS ME, I'D DEFINITELY COME OUT TO LARRY. 266 00:11:50,778 --> 00:11:53,847 I MEAN, YOU KNOW, OF COURSE HOWEVER YOU DECIDE TO DO IT, 267 00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:54,848 IT HAS TO BE YOUR WAY. 268 00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:56,216 - YEAH, DEB'S RIGHT. 269 00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:57,751 YOU'VE GOT TO DO IT ON YOUR OWN TERMS. 270 00:11:57,785 --> 00:12:00,220 - OOH. 271 00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:02,255 YOU GOT SOME SAUCE ON YOUR CHIN, BABY. 272 00:12:02,289 --> 00:12:03,991 - THAT WAS MY SWAN. 273 00:12:04,024 --> 00:12:05,225 - IT WAS A GIRAFFE, HONEY. 274 00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,761 [chuckles] TRY AGAIN. 275 00:12:11,298 --> 00:12:12,900 YOU KNOW, I GOT ONE HELL OF A NERVE. 276 00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:15,502 I'M SITTING HERE LIKE SOME FUCKING EUNUCH 277 00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:17,504 MAKING ANIMALS OUT OF NAPKINS, 278 00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:20,240 "TO DELIGHT THE GUESTS AT YOUR NEXT DINNER PARTY." 279 00:12:20,273 --> 00:12:23,343 AND I'M TELLING YOU HOW TO BE OUT AND PROUD. 280 00:12:29,282 --> 00:12:31,985 - IT'S A FUNNY STORY, HOW WE MET. 281 00:12:32,019 --> 00:12:33,921 - I'M ALWAYS UP FOR A LAUGH. 282 00:12:33,954 --> 00:12:36,423 - WELL, I-I WAS DROPPING MOLLY OFF AT SCHOOL 283 00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:39,893 WHEN, WOULDN'T YOU KNOW, I GET A FLAT. 284 00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:42,863 JUST THEN THIS MOTORCYCLE COMES ROARING UP, 285 00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:45,065 AND THIS GUY DRESSED ALL IN BLACK 286 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,901 ASKS ME IF I WANT HELP. 287 00:12:47,935 --> 00:12:49,402 WELL, I HAD TAKEN THAT NIGHT CLASS 288 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:51,138 IN CAR MAINTENANCE AFTER YOUR FATHER LEFT. 289 00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:54,441 BUT I-I WAS ON MY WAY TO AN OPEN HOUSE. 290 00:12:54,474 --> 00:12:57,444 I DIDN'T WANT TO SHOW UP LOOKING LIKE A GREASE MONKEY... 291 00:12:57,477 --> 00:13:00,881 [laughs] SO I SAID YES. 292 00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:03,283 AND IT TURNED OUT TO BE TUCK. 293 00:13:03,316 --> 00:13:05,318 - [snorts] "TUCK"? 294 00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:07,955 - IT'S SHORT FOR TUCKER. 295 00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:11,058 HE TEACHES EIGHTH GRADE SCIENCE AT MOLLY'S SCHOOL. 296 00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:14,094 - WOW. MY SIDES ARE SPLITTING. 297 00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:19,466 - SO WE GOT TO CHATTING, 298 00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:21,168 HE ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO GO OUT 299 00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:24,171 SOME NIGHT FOR A COFFEE. - COFFEE? 300 00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:27,908 AREN'T HIS PARENTS AFRAID IT MIGHT STUNT HIS GROWTH? 301 00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:29,910 - DO YOU WANT TO HEAR THIS OR NOT? 302 00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:31,912 - [clears throat] 303 00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:34,915 - WELL, I FIGURED, "WHAT THE HELL?" 304 00:13:34,948 --> 00:13:38,986 BEATS SITTING AT HOME READING "HOW TO SURVIVE A DIVORCE," 305 00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:41,054 SO I SAID YES. 306 00:13:41,088 --> 00:13:45,092 AND THE REST IS HISTORY. 307 00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:48,261 - FOR HIM MODERN, FOR YOU ANCIENT. 308 00:13:48,295 --> 00:13:49,863 - I TAKE IT YOU DON'T APPROVE. 309 00:13:49,897 --> 00:13:51,464 - [sighs] I SUPPOSE A WOMAN OF YOUR AGE 310 00:13:51,498 --> 00:13:54,067 IS ALLOWED TO HAVE A LITTLE FLING, 311 00:13:54,101 --> 00:13:56,603 PROVIDED IT'S DISCREET. 312 00:13:56,636 --> 00:14:00,073 - WELL, ACTUALLY, IT'S-- 313 00:14:00,107 --> 00:14:01,875 IT'S MORE THAN A LITTLE FLING. 314 00:14:01,909 --> 00:14:04,511 WE'VE BEEN SEEING EACH OTHER FOR SIX MONTHS. 315 00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:06,479 - FOR SIX MONTHS? 316 00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:09,950 AND YOU NEVER SAID ANYTHING? 317 00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:13,520 - WHAT WAS THE POINT, UNTIL I WAS SURE IT WAS SERIOUS? 318 00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:15,488 - SERIOUS? YOU ARE NOT SERIOUS. 319 00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:18,291 HE'S 1/3 YOUR AGE. - HALF. 320 00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:20,393 - FINE, HALF. HE'S HALF YOUR AGE. 321 00:14:20,427 --> 00:14:22,963 HE'S STILL YOUNG ENOUGH TO BE YOUR S-- 322 00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:25,098 I DON'T EVEN WANT TO SAY IT. 323 00:14:25,132 --> 00:14:28,568 - AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. 324 00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:30,370 ESPECIALLY FROM YOU. 325 00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:32,872 - IT'S THE TRUTH. 326 00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:39,512 [jazz music] 327 00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:43,316 [knock at door] 328 00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:46,086 [clears throat] 329 00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:55,695 [coughs] 330 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,531 - YOU ALONE? 331 00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:01,001 - ONE OF THOSE RARE, UNEXPECTED MOMENTS. 332 00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:04,171 - AH. 333 00:15:04,204 --> 00:15:06,673 - SO MUCH FOR THE MOMENT. 334 00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:10,677 - THAT THELONIOUS? 335 00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:13,947 - THAT, UH, TUNA-MACARONI CASSEROLE? 336 00:15:13,981 --> 00:15:16,149 - YOU GOT IT. 337 00:15:16,183 --> 00:15:18,418 - DON'T WANT IT. 338 00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:20,420 TUNA CASSEROLE MEANS THAT WE'RE GOING TO GET STONED 339 00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:23,623 AND HAVE A VERY MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION. 340 00:15:23,656 --> 00:15:25,358 UNFORTUNATELY, 341 00:15:25,392 --> 00:15:27,427 I JUST FINISHED MY LAST JOINT. 342 00:15:27,460 --> 00:15:30,630 - WELL, FORTUNATELY... 343 00:15:30,663 --> 00:15:33,600 I BROUGHT ONE WITH ME. 344 00:15:49,249 --> 00:15:50,617 - DOES DETECTIVE HORVATH KNOW 345 00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:53,320 THAT HIS BLUSHING BRIDE IS A POTHEAD? 346 00:15:53,353 --> 00:15:55,355 - [chuckles] 347 00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:57,357 NOTHING KILLS A GOOD RELATIONSHIP FASTER 348 00:15:57,390 --> 00:16:00,193 THAN FULL DISCLOSURE. 349 00:16:00,227 --> 00:16:02,629 - GIVE ME SOME OF THAT. 350 00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:12,639 - I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU'VE BEEN TREATING MICHAEL. 351 00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:15,642 - BUTT THE FUCK OUT. 352 00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:20,480 - YOU'VE BEEN ON HIS CASE EVER SINCE 353 00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:22,382 HE AND BEN BOUGHT THAT HOUSE TOGETHER. 354 00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:25,252 - HE DIDN'T JUST BUY A HOUSE. 355 00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:30,623 HE BOUGHT THE SLICER AND THE DICER, 356 00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,359 THE GINZU KNIVES, THE ABS-ROLLER, 357 00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:34,427 THE JUICER. 358 00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:36,163 THE TOP HUNDRED HITS OF THE '60s, 359 00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:39,532 NOT AVAILABLE AT ANY STORE. 360 00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:44,104 IN SHORT, EVERY LIE, EVERY CON... 361 00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:48,541 EVERY COLOR, SHAPE AND SIZE OF BULLSHIT 362 00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:51,511 THE STRAIGHT WORLD HAS TO OFFER. 363 00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:54,514 - HE FELL IN LOVE. 364 00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:57,217 HE GOT MARRIED. 365 00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:02,122 HE HAD A FAMILY. 366 00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:07,294 YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING HE'S EVER WANTED TO DO AS A KID. 367 00:17:07,327 --> 00:17:09,262 A NORMAL HOME. 368 00:17:09,296 --> 00:17:11,331 - [scoffs] 369 00:17:14,301 --> 00:17:17,170 - WHY DO YOU HAVE SUCH A PROBLEM WITH THAT? 370 00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:22,142 I'LL TELL YOU WHY. 371 00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:24,177 YOU DON'T. 372 00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:30,483 YOUR PROBLEM IS... 373 00:17:33,186 --> 00:17:35,455 HE LEFT YOU. 374 00:17:38,491 --> 00:17:41,494 HE LEFT YOU, AND HE MOVED ON. 375 00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:48,835 ONLY HE DIDN'T. 376 00:17:48,868 --> 00:17:53,206 YOU AND HE JUST MADE DIFFERENT CHOICES, THAT'S ALL. 377 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:57,210 IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOU DON'T STILL LOVE EACH OTHER. 378 00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:02,615 - HE WON'T TALK TO ME. 379 00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:05,618 - THEN YOU TALK TO HIM. 380 00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:13,860 - THE MONEY BEHIND IT IS UNBELIEVABLE. 381 00:18:13,893 --> 00:18:15,728 NOT JUST WEALTHY CONSERVATIVES, 382 00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,530 BUT BIG CORPORATIONS. 383 00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:19,632 - UH, BEN SAYS WE SHOULD BOYCOTT THEM. 384 00:18:19,666 --> 00:18:22,602 - YEAH, BEFORE THEY TAKE THAT RIGHT AWAY FROM US TOO. 385 00:18:22,635 --> 00:18:24,504 SORRY TO SOUND LIKE SUCH AN ALARMIST, 386 00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:26,606 BUT THESE DAYS I FEEL LIKE I'M LIVING IN NAZI GERMANY, 387 00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:28,475 LIKE WE'RE THE NEW JEWS. - OH, COME ON, MEL. 388 00:18:28,508 --> 00:18:29,776 DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S GOING A BIT FAR? 389 00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:31,778 - LISTEN, MY ZAIDEH, MY GRANDFATHER, 390 00:18:31,811 --> 00:18:33,213 HE USED TO TELL ME EVERYBODY THOUGHT 391 00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:34,681 HE WAS NUTS FOR LEAVING GERMANY. 392 00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,349 "OH, YOU'RE MAKING TOO MUCH OF IT. 393 00:18:36,383 --> 00:18:38,751 IT'LL PASS. THAT'LL NEVER HAPPEN HERE." 394 00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:40,753 HE DIED AT THE AGE OF 87. 395 00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:43,490 THE REST OF HIS FAMILY DIED IN THE CAMPS. 396 00:18:43,523 --> 00:18:44,691 - WELL, WHAT'RE WE SUPPOSED TO DO, 397 00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:46,359 PACK UP AND MOVE TO PARIS? 398 00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:49,496 - WELL, LAST TIME I HEARD, THEY HAD A GAY MAYOR. 399 00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:51,231 LISTEN, I'M GOING TO GRAB THIS CAB. 400 00:18:51,264 --> 00:18:53,400 - OKAY. OOH. [chuckles] 401 00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:55,902 - OH, BYE, SWEETHEART. - AWW, MEL. 402 00:18:55,935 --> 00:18:58,538 - [laughs] I MEANT HER. YOU TOO. 403 00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:03,410 CAN YOU TAKE ME TO, UH... 404 00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:19,226 [alarm ringing] 405 00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:34,307 [alarm ringing] 406 00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:01,734 - NOTHING WAS STOLEN? 407 00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:03,570 - NOT THAT I CAN TELL. 408 00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:07,340 - ALL I CAN SAY IS, THANK GOD NO ONE WAS HURT. 409 00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:09,442 - I'LL NEED YOU TO FILE A REPORT. 410 00:20:09,476 --> 00:20:11,444 - THEN WHAT? - WE'LL INVESTIGATE. 411 00:20:11,478 --> 00:20:13,313 BUT WITH THIS KIND OF VANDALISM, 412 00:20:13,346 --> 00:20:15,582 IT'S USUALLY PRETTY DIFFICULT TO COME UP WITH ANYTHING. 413 00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:16,983 - THAT'S ALL YOU THINK IT WAS? VANDALISM? 414 00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:18,851 - WELL, WHAT ELSE? PROBABLY JUST SOME KID 415 00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,653 TRYING TO STEAL A COMIC BOOK. 416 00:20:20,687 --> 00:20:22,522 - WHAT IF IT WASN'T? 417 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:24,724 WHAT IF THEY WERE TRYING TO DESTROY THAT? 418 00:20:24,757 --> 00:20:27,394 TWO GAY SUPERHEROES, GETTING MARRIED. 419 00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:28,995 - LOOK, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SUGGESTING, 420 00:20:29,028 --> 00:20:31,731 BUT THERE'S NO EVIDENCE OF ANY HATE CRIME. 421 00:20:31,764 --> 00:20:32,932 - A HATE CRIME? 422 00:20:32,965 --> 00:20:35,502 - I APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN, BUT... 423 00:20:35,535 --> 00:20:36,936 IN ALL HONESTY, 424 00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:38,871 I THINK YOU'RE GETTING A BIT CARRIED AWAY. 425 00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:40,640 - THAT'S FUNNY. 426 00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:43,543 I JUST ACCUSED MEL OF THE SAME THING. 427 00:20:46,513 --> 00:20:48,815 - REMEMBER, MEN, A SMARTLY-FOLDED NAPKIN 428 00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:50,950 WILL ADD A TOUCH OF CLASS TO YOUR TABLE SETTING 429 00:20:50,983 --> 00:20:54,287 AND BE CERTAIN TO CHARM YOUR LADY FRIEND. 430 00:20:54,321 --> 00:20:55,488 AND WHO KNOWS? AFTER DINNER, 431 00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:57,290 SHE MIGHT EVEN... 432 00:20:57,324 --> 00:21:00,760 LET YOU SHOW HER HOW TO MAKE ONE OF THESE. 433 00:21:00,793 --> 00:21:02,629 I'M EMMETT HONEYCUTT, YOUR QUEER GUY, 434 00:21:02,662 --> 00:21:06,399 HERE TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MORE FABULOUS. 435 00:21:06,433 --> 00:21:08,401 - THANKS, QUEER GUY, AND THAT'S THE NEWS. 436 00:21:08,435 --> 00:21:10,837 WE'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW AT 6:00. 437 00:21:10,870 --> 00:21:14,541 - UNTIL THEN, HOPE ALL YOUR NEWS IS GOOD NEWS. 438 00:21:14,574 --> 00:21:16,709 - AND WE'RE OUT. 439 00:21:18,978 --> 00:21:20,580 CUTE SEGMENT, EMMETT. 440 00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:23,049 AND BY THE WAY, I'VE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS FOR YOU. 441 00:21:23,082 --> 00:21:25,518 MANAGEMENT IS THINKING ABOUT DOING A QUEER GUY SPECIAL. 442 00:21:25,552 --> 00:21:26,819 NOW HERE'S THE CONCEPT: 443 00:21:26,853 --> 00:21:28,921 YOU PREPARE AND SERVE A GOURMET DINNER 444 00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:31,458 TO A HOT STRAIGHT COUPLE. 445 00:21:31,491 --> 00:21:33,526 - OH, PERFECT. 446 00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,928 AND AFTER, THEY CAN FUCK WHILE I DO THE DISHES. 447 00:21:35,962 --> 00:21:36,996 - [laughs] 448 00:21:37,029 --> 00:21:38,465 - HEY, DON. - YEAH? 449 00:21:38,498 --> 00:21:39,666 - YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHO I JUST SPOKE TO. 450 00:21:39,699 --> 00:21:41,601 - WHO? - DREW BOYD. 451 00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:43,436 HE WANTS TO GIVE ME AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW 452 00:21:43,470 --> 00:21:45,472 ABOUT THE ALLEGATIONS THAT HE'S A FAG. 453 00:21:45,505 --> 00:21:47,440 - JESUS CHRIST. OUR RATINGS ARE GONNA GO THROUGH THE ROOF. 454 00:21:47,474 --> 00:21:48,941 - WATCH OUT CHANNEL 7. 455 00:21:48,975 --> 00:21:52,111 - OH MAN, THEY'LL BE YESTERDAY'S NEWS. 456 00:21:52,144 --> 00:21:55,114 [techno music] 457 00:21:55,147 --> 00:21:56,949 * 458 00:21:56,983 --> 00:22:02,522 [indistinct chatter] 459 00:22:12,131 --> 00:22:15,067 - CAN I GET A CRANBERRY JUICE AND SPARKLING WATER? 460 00:22:22,074 --> 00:22:23,976 - OH. - OH, SORRY. 461 00:22:24,010 --> 00:22:25,111 - IT'S OKAY. - NO, NO, NO. 462 00:22:25,144 --> 00:22:26,646 I'LL HAVE YOUR SWEATER CLEANED. 463 00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:29,516 - AH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE SWEATER. 464 00:22:29,549 --> 00:22:30,883 I'LL HAVE ANOTHER DRINK THOUGH. 465 00:22:30,917 --> 00:22:32,452 - YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, OF COURSE, OF COURSE. 466 00:22:32,485 --> 00:22:34,754 UH, WHAT WERE YOU... - DIET PEPSI. 467 00:22:34,787 --> 00:22:36,589 - YOU DON'T DRINK? 468 00:22:36,623 --> 00:22:39,459 - UH, MAYBE A GLASS OF WINE ON OCCASION, HOLIDAYS, 469 00:22:39,492 --> 00:22:42,629 BUT, UH, THAT'S ABOUT IT. 470 00:22:42,662 --> 00:22:44,597 - UM, TED SCHMIDT. SHALOM. 471 00:22:44,631 --> 00:22:46,399 - ADAM BERNSTEIN. 472 00:22:46,433 --> 00:22:49,368 SHALOM AND, UH, NICE TO MEET YOU TOO. 473 00:22:50,803 --> 00:22:52,739 SO WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING? 474 00:22:52,772 --> 00:22:54,774 - WELL, I WORK AT THIS AD AGENCY. 475 00:22:54,807 --> 00:22:56,175 I DO A LOT OF THINGS THERE BUT, UH, 476 00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:58,144 MOSTLY, I'M AN ACCOUNTANT. - AN ACCOUNTANT? 477 00:22:58,177 --> 00:22:59,679 YOU KNOW, MY BROTHER'S AN ACCOUNTANT. 478 00:22:59,712 --> 00:23:01,948 MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF HIM? 479 00:23:01,981 --> 00:23:03,550 MARK BERNSTEIN? 480 00:23:03,583 --> 00:23:04,884 - YEAH, I THINK I KNOW SEVERAL. 481 00:23:04,917 --> 00:23:06,085 [both chuckle] 482 00:23:06,118 --> 00:23:08,755 WHAT ABOUT YOU? - UROLOGIST. 483 00:23:08,788 --> 00:23:10,557 - A DOCTOR. 484 00:23:10,590 --> 00:23:14,193 WELL, MY MOTHER'D BE THRILLED. 485 00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:16,529 SO, UH, WHAT ELSE DO YOU DO, 486 00:23:16,563 --> 00:23:21,033 I MEAN, BESIDES EXAMINING GUYS' PROSTATES? 487 00:23:21,067 --> 00:23:22,635 - I'M A TENNIS FREAK. 488 00:23:22,669 --> 00:23:24,704 I MEAN, I'VE GOT A HELL OF A BACKHAND. 489 00:23:24,737 --> 00:23:26,706 - I'LL BET YOU DO. 490 00:23:26,739 --> 00:23:27,807 DO YOU LIKE OPERA? 491 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:30,643 - NO, HATE IT. 492 00:23:30,677 --> 00:23:32,512 UH, BUT I LOVE BALLET-- 493 00:23:32,545 --> 00:23:34,046 MEN IN TIGHTS. 494 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,716 HOW CAN YOU GO WRONG, RIGHT? - RIGHT. 495 00:23:36,749 --> 00:23:38,718 I'VE GOT SEASON'S TICKETS. 496 00:23:38,751 --> 00:23:40,953 WHAT DO YOU SAY WE GO SOMETIME? 497 00:23:40,987 --> 00:23:42,922 - YOU MEAN, A "PAS DE DEUX"? 498 00:23:42,955 --> 00:23:44,557 I'D LOVE TO. 499 00:23:44,591 --> 00:23:46,192 - BUT THEN... 500 00:23:46,225 --> 00:23:49,962 WHY WAIT UNTIL "GISELLE" ROLLS INTO TOWN? 501 00:23:49,996 --> 00:23:51,964 - OH. 502 00:23:56,569 --> 00:23:59,706 - HEY, I JUST PUT ONE OF THOSE ON THE FRONT LAWN. 503 00:23:59,739 --> 00:24:02,675 - YEAH, AND I JUST TOOK IT OUT. 504 00:24:02,709 --> 00:24:04,677 - WHAT? 505 00:24:04,711 --> 00:24:06,212 - AREN'T WE DOING ENOUGH? 506 00:24:06,245 --> 00:24:07,614 CANVASSING AND VOLUNTEERING? 507 00:24:07,647 --> 00:24:09,949 DO WE REALLY NEED THIS TOO? 508 00:24:09,982 --> 00:24:13,019 - IT'S A SIGN OF SOLIDARITY, SUPPORT. 509 00:24:13,052 --> 00:24:15,087 BESIDES, PRACTICALLY EVERYONE'S HOUSE ON THE BLOCK HAS ONE, 510 00:24:15,121 --> 00:24:16,956 INCLUDING ELI AND MONTY'S. 511 00:24:16,989 --> 00:24:18,257 - GOOD FOR THEM. THEY CAN ALSO 512 00:24:18,290 --> 00:24:20,627 WEAR PINK TRIANGLES ON THEIR SLEEVES. 513 00:24:20,660 --> 00:24:23,095 - NO REASON TO GET YOURSELF SO WORKED UP. 514 00:24:23,129 --> 00:24:25,732 - ACTUALLY, THERE IS. I'VE ALREADY BEEN A TARGET. 515 00:24:25,765 --> 00:24:28,835 - CARL SAID THERE'S NO EVIDENCE OF THAT. 516 00:24:28,868 --> 00:24:32,705 LOOK, I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AT THE SHOP WAS UPSETTING. 517 00:24:32,739 --> 00:24:35,842 BUT LET'S TRY AND STAY LEVEL-HEADED. 518 00:24:35,875 --> 00:24:37,243 - WELL, FINE. 519 00:24:37,276 --> 00:24:38,845 LET'S HOW LEVEL-HEADED YOU FEEL WHEN THEY 520 00:24:38,878 --> 00:24:41,013 ROUND US ALL UP AND TAKE US OFF TO THE CAMPS. 521 00:24:41,047 --> 00:24:42,849 - [scoffs] ALL RIGHT. 522 00:24:42,882 --> 00:24:44,183 IF YOU DON'T WANT IT ON THE FRONT LAWN, 523 00:24:44,216 --> 00:24:46,619 WE WON'T PUT IT ON THE FRONT LAWN. 524 00:24:52,792 --> 00:24:57,163 - LOOK, I KNOW YOU THINK I'M BEING RIDICULOUS, BUT... 525 00:24:57,196 --> 00:24:58,998 I WOULD HATE FOR SOMETHING TERRIBLE TO HAPPEN 526 00:24:59,031 --> 00:25:02,101 JUST BECAUSE WE DIDN'T PAY ATTENTION TO THE WARNINGS. 527 00:25:04,036 --> 00:25:06,539 - WE'LL HAVE MORE SCORES AT 11:00. BUT RIGHT NOW, 528 00:25:06,573 --> 00:25:09,175 WE'VE GOT A SPECIAL GUEST IN THE STUDIO WITH US, 529 00:25:09,208 --> 00:25:10,677 STAR QUARTERBACK FOR THE IRONMEN 530 00:25:10,710 --> 00:25:14,146 AND TWO-TIME MVP DREW BOYD. 531 00:25:14,180 --> 00:25:16,215 GREAT TO HAVE YOU HERE, DREW. - THANKS, BUD. 532 00:25:16,248 --> 00:25:18,284 - WELL, DREW, YOU'D HAVE TO BE LIVING ON THE MOON 533 00:25:18,317 --> 00:25:20,887 NOT TO KNOW WHAT'S BEEN HAPPENING WITH YOU THESE DAYS. 534 00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:23,890 I'M TALKING ABOUT THESE, UH, SEX ALLEGATIONS. 535 00:25:23,923 --> 00:25:25,792 "BOYD LIKES BOYS." 536 00:25:25,825 --> 00:25:27,827 - IT'S BEEN A VERY DIFFICULT TIME FOR ME, 537 00:25:27,860 --> 00:25:29,696 BUD, AS YOU CAN IMAGINE. 538 00:25:29,729 --> 00:25:32,565 BUT I FEEL AS THOUGH THE SOONER THAT I ADDRESS THIS ISSUE, 539 00:25:32,599 --> 00:25:34,767 THE SOONER I CAN GET ON WITH MY LIFE. 540 00:25:34,801 --> 00:25:36,669 - LET ME JUST SAY THAT WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR... 541 00:25:36,703 --> 00:25:38,571 HOW LONG NOW? 15 YEARS? 542 00:25:38,605 --> 00:25:40,573 WE STARTED OUT PLAYING BALL TOGETHER. 543 00:25:40,607 --> 00:25:41,808 AND I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT OF YOU, 544 00:25:41,841 --> 00:25:43,910 NOT ONLY AS AN OUTSTANDING ATHLETE, 545 00:25:43,943 --> 00:25:46,212 BUT AS A MAN'S MAN. 546 00:25:46,245 --> 00:25:47,647 SO, WHY DON'T WE PUT 547 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,682 ALL THESE RUMORS TO REST RIGHT NOW? 548 00:25:49,716 --> 00:25:51,183 - FIRST OF ALL, I'D LIKE TO SAY THAT 549 00:25:51,217 --> 00:25:53,786 MOST OF THOSE STORIES ARE OUT-AND-OUT LIES, 550 00:25:53,820 --> 00:25:55,655 TOTAL EXAGGERATIONS. 551 00:25:55,688 --> 00:25:58,725 - I'M SURE THAT'S A RELIEF FOR YOUR MILLIONS OF FANS. 552 00:25:58,758 --> 00:26:01,794 - BUT IF YOU'RE ASKING ME IF I'M GAY... 553 00:26:01,828 --> 00:26:05,564 THE ANSWER IS YES. 554 00:26:13,039 --> 00:26:15,341 - I DON'T BELIEVE IT. 555 00:26:15,374 --> 00:26:17,209 YOU'RE SAYING A GUY LIKE YOU? 556 00:26:17,243 --> 00:26:21,013 - YEAH, A GUY LIKE ME. 557 00:26:21,047 --> 00:26:24,283 - AW, I-I CAN'T EVEN PICTURE YOU KISSING ANOTHER GUY. 558 00:26:24,316 --> 00:26:26,085 NOT LIKE HIM. 559 00:26:26,118 --> 00:26:27,954 - EXCUSE ME? 560 00:26:27,987 --> 00:26:29,856 - ACTUALLY, BUD, 561 00:26:29,889 --> 00:26:33,025 IT WAS YOUR QUEER GUY, EMMETT HONEYCUTT, 562 00:26:33,059 --> 00:26:34,393 WHO HELPED ME TO FIND THE COURAGE 563 00:26:34,426 --> 00:26:37,263 NOT JUST TO BE A MAN'S MAN... 564 00:26:37,296 --> 00:26:40,099 BUT TO BE MY OWN MAN. 565 00:26:40,132 --> 00:26:43,135 AND I'D LIKE TO THANK HIM. 566 00:26:58,184 --> 00:27:00,186 - WE'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE. 567 00:27:00,219 --> 00:27:01,721 - AND WE'RE OUT. 568 00:27:01,754 --> 00:27:07,626 [indistinct chatter] 569 00:27:10,029 --> 00:27:11,397 - JUSTIN. - YEAH? 570 00:27:11,430 --> 00:27:13,132 - I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET SIMON CASWELL. 571 00:27:13,165 --> 00:27:14,901 HE'S THE CRITIC FROM THE "ART FORUM MAGAZINE". 572 00:27:14,934 --> 00:27:16,202 - HI. - HELLO. 573 00:27:16,235 --> 00:27:17,904 LINDSAY'S ALWAYS TRYING TO CONVINCE ME 574 00:27:17,937 --> 00:27:19,672 TO COME TO PITTSBURGH. 575 00:27:19,706 --> 00:27:22,174 I TELL HER, "WARHOL'S IT"... 576 00:27:22,208 --> 00:27:26,178 BUT, UH, THIS TIME I COULD BE WRONG. 577 00:27:28,314 --> 00:27:31,818 YOUR WORK HAS A SURPRISING INTENSITY TO IT, 578 00:27:31,851 --> 00:27:33,820 ESPECIALLY FOR SOMEONE SO YOUNG. 579 00:27:33,853 --> 00:27:35,287 WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO BE AN ARTIST? 580 00:27:35,321 --> 00:27:37,323 - IT WAS THAT OR BE A MASS MURDERER. 581 00:27:37,356 --> 00:27:38,891 [all chuckle] 582 00:27:38,925 --> 00:27:41,427 - THAT'S VERY AMUSING. 583 00:27:41,460 --> 00:27:43,029 I'LL BE IN TOUCH. - BYE. 584 00:27:43,062 --> 00:27:45,431 SEE YOU. 585 00:27:45,464 --> 00:27:47,433 DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID? 586 00:27:47,466 --> 00:27:49,035 REMEMBER THIS MOMENT. 587 00:27:49,068 --> 00:27:50,803 - WHAT FOR? HE'S A CUNT. 588 00:27:50,837 --> 00:27:52,204 - A VERY INFLUENTIAL CUNT. 589 00:27:52,238 --> 00:27:54,173 - A CUNT'S A CUNT. 590 00:27:54,206 --> 00:27:55,908 - WELL, FROM THE WAY EVERYONE'S TALKING, 591 00:27:55,942 --> 00:27:57,844 THIS MIGHT AS WELL BE A ONE-MAN SHOW. 592 00:27:57,877 --> 00:28:00,179 - I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE SO TALENTED. 593 00:28:00,212 --> 00:28:02,081 - THANK YOU. - UM, CORINNE, 594 00:28:02,114 --> 00:28:03,315 YOU REMEMBER... - LINDSAY. 595 00:28:03,349 --> 00:28:04,784 I'M REALLY ENJOYING THE SHOW. 596 00:28:04,817 --> 00:28:06,452 - WELL, I'M DELIGHTED YOU COULD COME. 597 00:28:06,485 --> 00:28:09,221 - I NEED A REFILL. WE'LL CATCH YOU LATER. 598 00:28:09,255 --> 00:28:12,191 - BYE. 599 00:28:12,224 --> 00:28:13,926 ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY WITH ALL OF THIS? 600 00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:15,194 - WELL, WHAT OTHER CHOICE DO I HAVE? 601 00:28:15,227 --> 00:28:19,799 - MY OTHER CAREER CHOICE. 602 00:28:19,832 --> 00:28:24,470 - ART OPENINGS ARE ALWAYS SUCH GAY OCCASIONS. 603 00:28:24,503 --> 00:28:26,005 - ESPECIALLY NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE. 604 00:28:26,038 --> 00:28:28,340 MWAH. 605 00:28:28,374 --> 00:28:29,475 - I WASN'T SURE YOU'D COME. 606 00:28:29,508 --> 00:28:32,478 - NEITHER WAS I. 607 00:28:32,511 --> 00:28:35,481 THAT IT? - DO YOU LIKE IT? 608 00:28:35,514 --> 00:28:37,116 - IF I DID, WOULD THAT MAKE IT GOOD? 609 00:28:37,149 --> 00:28:38,818 - NO. 610 00:28:38,851 --> 00:28:41,020 - WOULD IT MAKE YOU LIKE IT MORE OR LESS? 611 00:28:41,053 --> 00:28:42,889 - NO. - WOULD IT MAKE YOU RICH? 612 00:28:42,922 --> 00:28:44,290 - NO. 613 00:28:44,323 --> 00:28:46,926 - THEN WHY DO YOU GIVE A SHIT WHAT I THINK? 614 00:28:49,395 --> 00:28:52,431 I THINK IT'S EXQUISITE. 615 00:28:52,464 --> 00:28:55,734 YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD. 616 00:28:58,871 --> 00:29:01,974 IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I FUCKED AN ARTSY TYPE. 617 00:29:13,319 --> 00:29:15,988 - LET ME GUESS. 618 00:29:16,022 --> 00:29:20,126 YOU DON'T KNOW ART, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE. 619 00:29:20,159 --> 00:29:23,863 - I LIKE MAGRITTE, CEZANNE AND JOHNS. 620 00:29:23,896 --> 00:29:25,865 - HMM. 621 00:29:25,898 --> 00:29:29,268 - I DID GO TO COLLEGE. 622 00:29:29,301 --> 00:29:31,337 AND I ALSO LIKE YOUR STUFF. 623 00:29:31,370 --> 00:29:34,874 - YOU ALSO LIKE MY MOTHER. - YES, I DO. 624 00:29:34,907 --> 00:29:37,209 - DON'T YOU HAVE ONE OF YOUR OWN? 625 00:29:39,578 --> 00:29:41,814 - THAT'S NOT WHY I LIKE HER. 626 00:29:41,848 --> 00:29:46,318 I LIKE HER BECAUSE SHE'S BEAUTIFUL, 627 00:29:46,352 --> 00:29:48,420 INTELLIGENT, SEXY. 628 00:29:48,454 --> 00:29:51,423 - HAVE YOU FUCKED HER? 629 00:29:51,457 --> 00:29:53,025 - I DON'T THINK THAT CONCERNS YOU. 630 00:29:53,059 --> 00:29:55,227 - AS THEY SAY, 25 GOES INTO 50 631 00:29:55,261 --> 00:29:57,429 A LOT MORE THAN 50 GOES INTO 25. 632 00:29:57,463 --> 00:30:00,566 - EXCEPT IN YOUR CASE. 633 00:30:00,599 --> 00:30:03,870 ALTHOUGH TO BE FAIR, HE'S NOT QUITE THAT OLD, IS HE? 634 00:30:09,208 --> 00:30:11,243 LOOK, SHE'S AN ADULT, SO AM I. 635 00:30:11,277 --> 00:30:12,945 SHE'S FREE TO LOVE WHOEVER SHE PLEASES 636 00:30:12,979 --> 00:30:14,914 WITHOUT HER CHILD'S APPROVAL. 637 00:30:14,947 --> 00:30:16,916 - I'M HER SON. 638 00:30:16,949 --> 00:30:18,184 AND I'M AN ADULT. 639 00:30:18,217 --> 00:30:20,887 - OKAY, THEN ACT LIKE ONE. 640 00:30:25,257 --> 00:30:26,458 - WHO KNEW THERE WERE SO MANY 641 00:30:26,492 --> 00:30:28,127 HOT JEWISH MEN IN THE WORLD? 642 00:30:28,160 --> 00:30:29,361 - JESUS CHRIST, 643 00:30:29,395 --> 00:30:31,097 YOU ALREADY SOUND LIKE YENTL. 644 00:30:31,130 --> 00:30:32,198 - [chuckles] 645 00:30:32,231 --> 00:30:34,100 "DOCTOR AND MRS. ADAM BERNSTEIN". 646 00:30:34,133 --> 00:30:35,201 HOW DOES THAT SOUND? 647 00:30:35,234 --> 00:30:37,336 - MAZEL TOV. 648 00:30:37,369 --> 00:30:39,071 - CAN I BORROW YOU FOR A MOMENT? 649 00:30:39,105 --> 00:30:40,339 - I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A CONVERSATION. 650 00:30:40,372 --> 00:30:42,942 - YEAH WELL, THEODORE CAN REGALE YOU 651 00:30:42,975 --> 00:30:45,912 WITH HIS TALES OF THE YESHIVA LATER. 652 00:30:49,048 --> 00:30:51,617 - WHAT IS IT? 653 00:30:51,650 --> 00:30:52,985 - I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW 654 00:30:53,019 --> 00:30:55,621 THAT IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY 655 00:30:55,654 --> 00:30:57,156 BEING A STEPFORD FAG, 656 00:30:57,189 --> 00:31:02,128 THEN I SAY GO FOR IT. 657 00:31:02,161 --> 00:31:04,096 BE THE BIGGEST STEPFORD FAG IN THE WORLD. 658 00:31:04,130 --> 00:31:06,065 IT'S FINE WITH ME. 659 00:31:08,935 --> 00:31:12,271 - WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO BE, AN APOLOGY? 660 00:31:12,304 --> 00:31:13,973 - I MEAN IT. 661 00:31:14,006 --> 00:31:16,308 - AREN'T YOU AFRAID I'M GOING TO INFECT YOU? 662 00:31:19,211 --> 00:31:21,280 LOOK, JUST BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS OUR WHOLE LIVES 663 00:31:21,313 --> 00:31:24,283 DOESN'T MEAN WE HAVE TO STAY FRIENDS. 664 00:31:26,953 --> 00:31:28,320 ESPECIALLY SINCE... 665 00:31:28,354 --> 00:31:32,258 WE NO LONGER HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON. 666 00:31:32,291 --> 00:31:36,395 SO WHY DON'T WE JUST ADMIT THAT THE "BRIAN-MIKEY SHOW" IS OVER, 667 00:31:36,428 --> 00:31:39,165 AND GET ON WITH OUR LIVES? 668 00:31:52,744 --> 00:31:54,680 - SCOTCH? 669 00:31:54,713 --> 00:31:57,016 - WELL, I DON'T USUALLY LIKE MY DRINKS STRAIGHT, 670 00:31:57,049 --> 00:32:00,019 BUT... [chuckles] 671 00:32:00,052 --> 00:32:01,988 - SORRY I GOT YOU FIRED. 672 00:32:02,021 --> 00:32:04,156 - MM, I MAY HAVE LOST MY JOB, 673 00:32:04,190 --> 00:32:06,959 BUT, UH, AFTER OUR SCREEN KISS, 674 00:32:06,993 --> 00:32:08,427 AT LEAST NO ONE CAN SAY I'M SEXLESS. 675 00:32:08,460 --> 00:32:09,695 - [chuckles] 676 00:32:09,728 --> 00:32:11,430 THANKS TO ME. 677 00:32:11,463 --> 00:32:15,567 - YEAH, WHATEVER POSSESSED YOU? 678 00:32:15,601 --> 00:32:17,203 - [sighs] 679 00:32:17,236 --> 00:32:19,338 IT'S THE FIRST RULE OF THE GAME: 680 00:32:19,371 --> 00:32:20,973 ALWAYS PROTECT YOUR TEAMMATES. 681 00:32:21,007 --> 00:32:24,043 AND SINCE WE NOW PLAY FOR THE SAME TEAM, 682 00:32:24,076 --> 00:32:27,079 I WAS COVERING YOUR ASS. 683 00:32:27,113 --> 00:32:31,383 AND PAYING BACK RAYMOND OSWALD. 684 00:32:31,417 --> 00:32:32,985 HE WAS THIS KID IN HIGH SCHOOL-- 685 00:32:33,019 --> 00:32:34,987 EFFEMINATE, TOTAL FAG. 686 00:32:35,021 --> 00:32:38,190 - I KNOW THE TYPE. 687 00:32:38,224 --> 00:32:42,194 - MY BUDDIES AND I MADE HIS LIFE MISERABLE. 688 00:32:42,228 --> 00:32:44,363 TAUNTED HIM. 689 00:32:44,396 --> 00:32:46,465 BEAT HIM UNTIL HE CRIED. 690 00:32:46,498 --> 00:32:50,136 HE FINALLY TRANSFERRED TO ANOTHER SCHOOL. 691 00:32:50,169 --> 00:32:52,538 I ALWAYS FELT... 692 00:32:52,571 --> 00:32:55,007 AWFUL... 693 00:32:55,041 --> 00:32:57,776 FOR WHAT I DID TO HIM... 694 00:32:57,809 --> 00:33:00,246 BECAUSE SECRETLY, I KNEW... 695 00:33:00,279 --> 00:33:01,513 EVEN THOUGH HE AND I MAY HAVE 696 00:33:01,547 --> 00:33:03,382 BEEN DIFFERENT ON THE OUTSIDE... 697 00:33:03,415 --> 00:33:07,219 ON THE INSIDE, WE WERE THE SAME. 698 00:33:07,253 --> 00:33:10,156 SO I GUESS YOU COULD SAY 699 00:33:10,189 --> 00:33:13,392 YOU'RE MY ATONEMENT FOR WHAT I DID TO RAYMOND OSWALD. 700 00:33:18,197 --> 00:33:20,066 - MY HERO. 701 00:33:24,136 --> 00:33:26,105 SO NOW THAT YOU'RE FINALLY OUT, 702 00:33:26,138 --> 00:33:29,041 HOW DO YOU FEEL? 703 00:33:32,544 --> 00:33:36,248 - HORNY. 704 00:33:36,282 --> 00:33:39,251 [upbeat music] 705 00:33:39,285 --> 00:33:47,226 * 706 00:33:55,167 --> 00:33:58,104 - [laughs] 707 00:34:00,706 --> 00:34:02,674 I LOVE FOOTBALL! 708 00:34:02,708 --> 00:34:05,777 * 709 00:34:21,193 --> 00:34:22,294 - [gasps] 710 00:34:22,328 --> 00:34:23,829 SHIT! 711 00:34:23,862 --> 00:34:25,431 - DO YOU WANT TO WAKE THE CHILDREN? 712 00:34:25,464 --> 00:34:27,699 - [giggles] I'M SURE I WOKE THE DEAD. 713 00:34:27,733 --> 00:34:30,369 OH, YOU SCARED THE FUCKING CRAP OUT OF ME. 714 00:34:30,402 --> 00:34:32,604 - SORRY. - [sighs] 715 00:34:32,638 --> 00:34:35,441 WHAT'RE YOU, UH, SITTING IN THE DARK FOR? 716 00:34:35,474 --> 00:34:38,377 - I FELT LIKE IT. 717 00:34:56,295 --> 00:34:57,363 - ANY MORE COCOA? 718 00:34:57,396 --> 00:35:00,599 - I JUST MADE ENOUGH FOR ME. 719 00:35:00,632 --> 00:35:02,334 IT'S AFTER 3:00. 720 00:35:02,368 --> 00:35:04,270 - YEAH, I GOT TIED UP. 721 00:35:04,303 --> 00:35:05,904 - SATIN OR LEATHER? 722 00:35:05,937 --> 00:35:08,240 - TALKING. 723 00:35:10,276 --> 00:35:13,345 I DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN, MAKE EXCUSES, OR APOLOGIZE. 724 00:35:13,379 --> 00:35:14,613 - THOSE ARE THE RULES. 725 00:35:14,646 --> 00:35:15,881 - THAT WE BOTH AGREED TO. 726 00:35:15,914 --> 00:35:18,684 - DID YOU FORGET YOU HAD A FAMILY, HMM? 727 00:35:18,717 --> 00:35:19,918 - YOU'RE HERE. 728 00:35:19,951 --> 00:35:22,521 - I CAME HOME RIGHT AFTER THE SHOW. 729 00:35:22,554 --> 00:35:25,491 - WHICH WAS GREAT, BY THE WAY. WE BOTH ENJOYED IT. 730 00:35:25,524 --> 00:35:28,760 - I'M SO GLAD. 731 00:35:28,794 --> 00:35:33,232 - LISTEN, NEXT TIME I PROMISE I'LL CALL, OKAY? 732 00:35:33,265 --> 00:35:35,401 - I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT NEXT TIME. 733 00:35:35,434 --> 00:35:38,537 THIS WHOLE IN-HOUSE SEPARATION ISN'T WORKING. 734 00:35:38,570 --> 00:35:40,672 AT LEAST NOT FOR ME. 735 00:35:40,706 --> 00:35:42,774 IT'S FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE OBVIOUSLY MORE SOPHISTICATED, 736 00:35:42,808 --> 00:35:46,245 OR HEARTLESS, THAN I AM. 737 00:35:46,278 --> 00:35:50,849 - SO WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST? 738 00:35:50,882 --> 00:35:52,784 - THAT WE SELL THE HOUSE. 739 00:35:52,818 --> 00:35:54,686 GET TWO SEPARATE PLACES. 740 00:35:54,720 --> 00:35:56,288 - SELL THE HOUSE? 741 00:35:56,322 --> 00:35:57,656 - WHY SHOULD YOU LIVE HERE 742 00:35:57,689 --> 00:35:58,857 WHILE I'M IN SOME CRUMMY APARTMENT? 743 00:35:58,890 --> 00:36:00,659 - WE'RE NOT SELLING THE HOUSE. 744 00:36:00,692 --> 00:36:04,596 - THEN YOU MOVE OUT. 745 00:36:04,630 --> 00:36:06,932 - FINE. YOU WANT TO SELL THE HOUSE? 746 00:36:06,965 --> 00:36:09,468 DIVIDE EVERYTHING UP 50-50? 747 00:36:09,501 --> 00:36:11,603 HOW ABOUT THIS VASE? 748 00:36:11,637 --> 00:36:12,971 - DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME. 749 00:36:13,004 --> 00:36:14,473 - WHO'S MAKING FUN? 750 00:36:14,506 --> 00:36:15,541 - IT'S YOURS. 751 00:36:15,574 --> 00:36:16,942 - YOU SURE? 752 00:36:16,975 --> 00:36:19,278 I GAVE IT TO YOU, REMEMBER? 753 00:36:19,311 --> 00:36:21,413 FOR ONE OF OUR ANNIVERSARIES. 754 00:36:21,447 --> 00:36:22,681 - WELL, I DON'T WANT IT. - NO? 755 00:36:22,714 --> 00:36:24,616 NEITHER DO I. 756 00:36:24,650 --> 00:36:27,419 [glass shatters] 757 00:36:27,453 --> 00:36:28,620 - WHY DID YOU DO THAT? 758 00:36:28,654 --> 00:36:32,324 - ONE LESS THING TO WRAP AND MOVE. 759 00:36:32,358 --> 00:36:35,727 - THEN WHY DON'T WE GET RID OF...THIS. 760 00:36:35,761 --> 00:36:37,896 - THAT'S MY MOTHER'S DEPRESSION-WARE CANDY DISH. 761 00:36:37,929 --> 00:36:39,765 - IT'S ABOUT TO GET MORE DEPRESSED. 762 00:36:39,798 --> 00:36:41,433 - YOU...DON'T... GIVE IT TO ME. 763 00:36:41,467 --> 00:36:43,369 - HANDS OFF ME! 764 00:36:43,402 --> 00:36:45,237 [glass shatters] 765 00:36:45,271 --> 00:36:47,873 - GOD DAMN YOU! - GOD DAMN YOU! 766 00:36:47,906 --> 00:36:50,942 [both grunting] 767 00:37:00,286 --> 00:37:03,221 - OH, YOU BITCH. 768 00:37:08,827 --> 00:37:13,665 [both panting] 769 00:37:34,085 --> 00:37:39,391 [both moaning] 770 00:37:43,862 --> 00:37:47,933 - [panting] 771 00:38:02,681 --> 00:38:04,450 - I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE THE NEXT PICASSO, 772 00:38:04,483 --> 00:38:07,386 THAT DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO BE RUDE. 773 00:38:07,419 --> 00:38:09,388 - HOW WAS I RUDE? 774 00:38:09,421 --> 00:38:11,657 I ONLY ASKED HIM A FEW QUESTIONS. 775 00:38:11,690 --> 00:38:13,659 - LIKE IF HE'S FUCKING ME? 776 00:38:13,692 --> 00:38:15,060 - MORE COFFEE? - UH, NO, THANK YOU. 777 00:38:15,093 --> 00:38:16,562 - I'LL HAVE SOME. 778 00:38:16,595 --> 00:38:19,398 - [sighs] 779 00:38:19,431 --> 00:38:20,666 - THANK YOU. 780 00:38:20,699 --> 00:38:22,868 - WHAT KIND OF A QUESTION WAS THAT? 781 00:38:22,901 --> 00:38:27,072 - I WAS MERELY LOOKING OUT FOR YOUR BEST INTERESTS. 782 00:38:27,105 --> 00:38:28,940 - YOU DON'T THINK THAT MAYBE 783 00:38:28,974 --> 00:38:31,410 YOU WERE FEELING THREATENED BECAUSE 784 00:38:31,443 --> 00:38:32,711 THERE'S ANOTHER MAN IN MY LIFE? 785 00:38:32,744 --> 00:38:34,746 - I WAS NOT FEELING THREATENED. 786 00:38:34,780 --> 00:38:36,415 - HONEY, 787 00:38:36,448 --> 00:38:37,849 TUCKER IS THE FIRST MAN I'VE GONE OUT WITH 788 00:38:37,883 --> 00:38:39,084 SINCE YOUR FATHER LEFT ME. 789 00:38:39,117 --> 00:38:42,554 THAT'S A LONG TIME. 790 00:38:42,588 --> 00:38:43,689 DON'T YOU THINK I'M ENTITLED 791 00:38:43,722 --> 00:38:44,823 TO BE WITH SOMEONE? 792 00:38:44,856 --> 00:38:46,492 - SOMEONE APPROPRIATE. 793 00:38:46,525 --> 00:38:47,826 SOMEONE YOUR OWN AGE. 794 00:38:47,859 --> 00:38:49,561 - [laughs] 795 00:38:49,595 --> 00:38:51,763 THAT'S RATHER FUNNY, COMING FROM YOU. 796 00:38:51,797 --> 00:38:54,466 - MOM, I WAS 17. 797 00:38:54,500 --> 00:38:56,101 YOU'RE... 798 00:38:56,134 --> 00:38:58,604 YOU'RE MY MOTHER. YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER. 799 00:39:01,006 --> 00:39:03,475 - YOU KNOW... 800 00:39:03,509 --> 00:39:04,710 WHEN YOU FIRST STARTED SEEING BRIAN, 801 00:39:04,743 --> 00:39:06,712 I ADMIT I HAD TROUBLE. 802 00:39:06,745 --> 00:39:08,714 A LOT OF TROUBLE. 803 00:39:08,747 --> 00:39:10,782 BUT EVENTUALLY I REALIZED 804 00:39:10,816 --> 00:39:12,718 THAT IF HE MADE YOU HAPPY, 805 00:39:12,751 --> 00:39:14,653 HE WAS GOOD TO YOU, 806 00:39:14,686 --> 00:39:18,123 THAT'S ALL THAT REALLY MATTERED. 807 00:39:18,156 --> 00:39:19,625 WELL, NOW IT'S YOUR TURN. 808 00:39:19,658 --> 00:39:22,360 HMM? 809 00:39:26,432 --> 00:39:29,668 - THIS IS NOT A TIME FOR COMPLACENCY OR SILENCE. 810 00:39:29,701 --> 00:39:31,069 THE BATTLE LINES HAVE BEEN DRAWN. 811 00:39:31,102 --> 00:39:32,638 AND IT'S UP TO EVERY AMERICAN TO DECLARE 812 00:39:32,671 --> 00:39:34,940 WHICH SIDE THEY'RE ON: THE SIDE THAT 813 00:39:34,973 --> 00:39:38,644 RECOGNIZES HOMOSEXUALITY AS AN ACCEPTABLE LIFESTYLE, 814 00:39:38,677 --> 00:39:41,046 AND WANTS TO REWARD THEIR DEVIANT BEHAVIOR 815 00:39:41,079 --> 00:39:42,881 BY GIVING THEM THE MOST SACRED RIGHT 816 00:39:42,914 --> 00:39:45,150 THAT A MAN AND WOMAN HAVE, THE RIGHT TO MARRY. 817 00:39:45,183 --> 00:39:46,818 - DO YOU HEAR WHAT HE'S SAYING? 818 00:39:46,852 --> 00:39:48,954 - OR THE SIDE THAT IS DETERMINED TO UPHOLD THE VALUES 819 00:39:48,987 --> 00:39:50,756 ON WHICH THIS GREAT CHRISTIAN COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED... 820 00:39:50,789 --> 00:39:52,658 - WHEN DID IT BECOME A "CHRISTIAN COUNTRY"? 821 00:39:52,691 --> 00:39:54,660 - AND PROTECT OUR CHILDREN. 822 00:39:54,693 --> 00:39:56,495 - WHY DO THEY ALWAYS MAKE IT ABOUT FAMILY AND CHILDREN, 823 00:39:56,528 --> 00:39:58,564 LIKE GAY PEOPLE DON'T HAVE FAMILIES AND CHILDREN TOO? 824 00:39:58,597 --> 00:40:01,433 SOMEBODY SHOULD PUNCH HIS FUCKING LIGHTS OUT. 825 00:40:01,467 --> 00:40:03,535 - THAT'S NOT HOW WE GET OUR MESSAGE ACROSS, 826 00:40:03,569 --> 00:40:05,871 BY STARTING FIGHTS. 827 00:40:07,806 --> 00:40:10,842 - PLEASE VOTE FOR PROPOSITION 14. 828 00:40:13,545 --> 00:40:15,080 - I HAVE THIS THING FOR SZECHUAN BEEF. 829 00:40:15,113 --> 00:40:17,983 - OH, ME TOO. LOVE IT. 830 00:40:18,016 --> 00:40:19,685 CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT. 831 00:40:19,718 --> 00:40:22,954 - YEAH, WHAT ELSE CAN'T YOU GET ENOUGH OF? 832 00:40:29,961 --> 00:40:32,564 - THAT. 833 00:40:32,598 --> 00:40:33,932 - YOU KNOW, I NEVER PUT TOO MUCH STOCK 834 00:40:33,965 --> 00:40:36,535 IN THOSE MIXERS AT WOODY'S. 835 00:40:36,568 --> 00:40:38,069 I MAINLY WENT TO CONFIRM MY CONVICTION 836 00:40:38,103 --> 00:40:39,838 THAT NOTHING WOULD EVER COME OF IT. 837 00:40:39,871 --> 00:40:42,941 - [laughs] THAT IS SO PESSIMISTIC. 838 00:40:42,974 --> 00:40:44,476 - WELL, IT'S NOT PESSIMISTIC. 839 00:40:44,510 --> 00:40:45,811 IT'S, UH, IT'S JEWISH. 840 00:40:45,844 --> 00:40:47,212 - AH. 841 00:40:47,245 --> 00:40:50,949 - BUT THIS TIME IT WORKED OUT. 842 00:40:50,982 --> 00:40:53,018 - FOR ME, TOO. 843 00:40:55,721 --> 00:40:57,689 - YOU MIND IF I ASK YOU A PERSONAL QUESTION? 844 00:40:57,723 --> 00:40:59,090 - DO I EVER HAVE SEX ON THE FIRST DATE? 845 00:40:59,124 --> 00:41:00,826 - HMM, HOW'D YOU GUESS? 846 00:41:00,859 --> 00:41:02,561 - AH, DEPENDS HOW IT GOES. 847 00:41:02,594 --> 00:41:05,463 - AND HOW WOULD YOU SAY THIS IS GOING? 848 00:41:11,770 --> 00:41:13,905 - OH-H. 849 00:41:28,019 --> 00:41:29,788 EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT DOWN THERE? 850 00:41:29,821 --> 00:41:32,524 - FRANKLY, NO. 851 00:41:32,558 --> 00:41:34,526 - WHAT'S WRONG? 852 00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:35,927 - YOU'RE NOT JEWISH. 853 00:41:35,961 --> 00:41:37,996 - I NEVER SAID I WAS. 854 00:41:38,029 --> 00:41:39,731 - BUT YOU WERE AT THE MIXER. 855 00:41:39,765 --> 00:41:42,000 - I WANTED TO MEET A NICE JEWISH GUY. 856 00:41:42,033 --> 00:41:44,903 - SO DID I. 857 00:41:47,072 --> 00:41:49,675 - WELL, LOOK, I MEAN... 858 00:41:49,708 --> 00:41:52,744 WHY LET A LITTLE THING LIKE MY NOT BEING JEWISH 859 00:41:52,778 --> 00:41:55,213 RUIN WHAT COULD BE A BEAUTIFUL RELATIONSHIP? 860 00:41:55,246 --> 00:41:57,883 - BECAUSE I WANT A JEWISH HUSBAND. 861 00:41:57,916 --> 00:41:59,050 I WANT TO SETTLE DOWN, 862 00:41:59,084 --> 00:42:01,219 CARRY ON TRADITIONS, HERITAGE. 863 00:42:01,252 --> 00:42:03,221 - WELL, I'LL--I'LL-- I'LL HAVE SURGERY. 864 00:42:03,254 --> 00:42:05,290 OY, MORE SURGERY. 865 00:42:05,323 --> 00:42:08,159 UH, I'LL, UH, I'LL CONVERT. HUH? 866 00:42:08,193 --> 00:42:10,028 HEY, ELIZABETH TAYLOR DID IT. 867 00:42:10,061 --> 00:42:11,897 MARILYN MONROE, SAMMY DAVIS JR... 868 00:42:11,930 --> 00:42:15,767 - LOOK, YOU'RE A NICE GUY, TED. 869 00:42:15,801 --> 00:42:19,204 YOU'RE JUST NOT A NICE, JEWISH GUY. 870 00:42:26,678 --> 00:42:29,581 - HEY, DEB, LISTEN TO THIS. 871 00:42:29,615 --> 00:42:32,350 "AND THEN THE UNTHINKABLE HAPPENED. 872 00:42:32,383 --> 00:42:34,653 "DREW BOYD, HERO TO MILLIONS OF FANS, 873 00:42:34,686 --> 00:42:38,590 "PLANTED ONE ON CHANNEL FIVE'S QUEER GUY. 874 00:42:38,624 --> 00:42:40,692 "IT WAS THE KISS HEARD ROUND THE WORLD. 875 00:42:40,726 --> 00:42:42,060 "THE QUESTION IS, NOW WHAT? 876 00:42:42,093 --> 00:42:43,962 "WILL MR. BOYD STILL BE CALLED A HERO, 877 00:42:43,995 --> 00:42:46,264 "OR WILL HE BE CALLED A LOT OF LESS FLATTERING THINGS? 878 00:42:46,297 --> 00:42:48,066 "IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER. 879 00:42:48,099 --> 00:42:49,334 "WHAT MATTERS IS, 880 00:42:49,367 --> 00:42:51,236 "DREW BOYD HAS SCORED A TOUCHDOWN 881 00:42:51,269 --> 00:42:53,939 FOR PERSONAL COURAGE AND HONESTY." 882 00:42:53,972 --> 00:42:55,073 - YES! 883 00:42:55,106 --> 00:42:58,109 [distant shouting] 884 00:43:00,912 --> 00:43:02,681 - WILL YOU LET THE MAN IN? 885 00:43:02,714 --> 00:43:03,815 - DREW... - THANK YOU. 886 00:43:03,849 --> 00:43:05,116 [indistinct chatter] 887 00:43:05,150 --> 00:43:07,118 [door shuts] 888 00:43:07,152 --> 00:43:08,987 - I'M SORRY ABOUT THIS. 889 00:43:09,020 --> 00:43:11,022 - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, HONEY. 890 00:43:11,056 --> 00:43:14,225 DO THEY HAVE TO TRAMPLE MY FUCKING ROSE BED? 891 00:43:14,259 --> 00:43:15,861 - WELL, WAIT TILL YOU READ THIS. 892 00:43:15,894 --> 00:43:18,630 YOU'RE GOING TO BE SO PROUD. 893 00:43:18,664 --> 00:43:20,732 - I'VE BEEN SUSPENDED. 894 00:43:20,766 --> 00:43:22,734 - WHAT? 895 00:43:22,768 --> 00:43:24,002 WHY? 896 00:43:24,035 --> 00:43:25,837 YOU WEREN'T DRIVING DRUNK, 897 00:43:25,871 --> 00:43:27,639 YOU DIDN'T RAPE ANYBODY, 898 00:43:27,673 --> 00:43:28,874 YOU WEREN'T MAKING ILLEGAL BETS. 899 00:43:28,907 --> 00:43:29,975 ALL YOU DID WAS... - DEB... 900 00:43:30,008 --> 00:43:33,078 - WHAT? - WE KNOW WHAT HE DID. 901 00:43:37,415 --> 00:43:41,286 - MY COACH SAYS IT'S FOR MY OWN GOOD. 902 00:43:41,319 --> 00:43:45,123 IN CASE MY TEAMMATES TRY TO INJURE ME. 903 00:43:45,156 --> 00:43:48,059 - I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER. 904 00:43:50,762 --> 00:43:52,964 - SO DID I. 905 00:44:00,071 --> 00:44:02,874 - YOU'RE BEING AWFULLY DILIGENT. 906 00:44:02,908 --> 00:44:05,677 - IT'S OUR HOME. 907 00:44:05,711 --> 00:44:08,046 I WANT EVERYTHING TO BE PERFECT. 908 00:44:08,079 --> 00:44:11,750 - YOU'RE IN IT, THAT'S PERFECT ENOUGH FOR ME. 909 00:44:11,783 --> 00:44:14,019 - THAT IS THE MOST CLOYINGLY SENTIMENTAL REMARK 910 00:44:14,052 --> 00:44:15,821 I HAVE EVER HEARD. 911 00:44:15,854 --> 00:44:18,589 I'D THROW UP IF I DIDN'T LOVE EVERY WORD OF IT. 912 00:44:22,460 --> 00:44:25,430 - COME ON IN, IT'S COLD. - UH, HOLD ON. 913 00:44:25,463 --> 00:44:28,666 I JUST GOT TO DO ONE LAST THING. 914 00:44:37,208 --> 00:44:39,277 THERE. 915 00:44:43,014 --> 00:44:45,984 [electronic music] 916 00:44:46,017 --> 00:44:53,959 * 917 00:46:19,077 --> 00:46:21,913 - I'M SURPRISED TO SEE YOU HERE. 918 00:46:21,947 --> 00:46:24,916 - I WANTED TO ASK YOU A QUESTION. 919 00:46:26,117 --> 00:46:28,887 WHY DID YOU APOLOGIZE? 920 00:46:28,920 --> 00:46:31,522 - WELL, I GUESS I MISS YOU. 921 00:46:35,994 --> 00:46:39,564 - DO YOU STILL LOVE ME? 922 00:46:39,597 --> 00:46:42,067 - ALWAYS HAVE. 923 00:46:44,936 --> 00:46:48,573 ALWAYS WILL. 924 00:46:48,606 --> 00:46:51,242 - SO DO I. 925 00:46:53,544 --> 00:46:55,613 - SAID YOU LOOK LIKE YOU NEED A FRIEND TO TALK TO, 926 00:46:55,646 --> 00:46:59,250 SO DO I. 927 00:46:59,284 --> 00:47:02,387 - ISN'T THERE A HOTLINE FOR THAT? 928 00:47:02,420 --> 00:47:05,190 - IN A PINCH, YOU'LL DO. 929 00:47:05,223 --> 00:47:07,993 MY DATE WAS A BUST. 930 00:47:10,095 --> 00:47:12,363 - WHAT WENT WRONG? 931 00:47:14,099 --> 00:47:17,035 - YOU COULD SAY I DIDN'T MAKE THE CUT. 932 00:47:18,436 --> 00:47:20,405 - YOU'LL LIVE. 933 00:47:23,274 --> 00:47:25,276 - YEAH, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT. 934 00:47:25,310 --> 00:47:27,946 YOU ALWAYS KNOW THE RIGHT THING TO SAY. 935 00:47:27,979 --> 00:47:30,848 - [laughs] 936 00:47:32,918 --> 00:47:34,485 - GET YOU A DRINK? 937 00:47:34,519 --> 00:47:36,955 - THAT'S VERY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU, THEODORE. 938 00:47:36,988 --> 00:47:39,157 DON'T MIND IF I DO. 939 00:47:39,190 --> 00:47:43,494 GET YOURSELF ONE OF THOSE GIRLY THINGS YOU LIKE SO MUCH. 940 00:47:43,528 --> 00:47:45,363 ON ME. 941 00:47:45,396 --> 00:47:46,965 - THANKS, BRI. 942 00:47:46,998 --> 00:47:50,635 - ANYTHING... 943 00:47:50,668 --> 00:47:53,404 FOR A FRIEND. 944 00:47:53,438 --> 00:48:01,412 * 65608

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