All language subtitles for Peep Show - 09x03 - Threeism.RiVER.English.HI.orig.Addic7ed.com

# I'm not sick, but I'm not well

# And I'm so hot

♪ Cos I'm in hell. ♪

GRUNTING

MARK: 'Hmm.

'Once upon a time, I might have woken
to the sound of a song thrush.

'Now it's a couple of guys pounding
the living daylights out of each other.

'I mean, it's fine.

'It's just, when Jeremy had sex with
women, I hated the noise,

'but at least there was
something in it for me.

'Now it's like there are two Jeremys
in there humping each other.

'That would be his dream.'
JEZ: Fuck!

So, just to be clear, for my records.

You're sleeping with Joe
regularly now.

Can't handle it. I can handle it,
I'm fine with it.

Just, what, you've gone gay?

Your word, not mine.
Sure, but...

let's say you had a Wikipedia page,
which obviously you don't,

regardless of how many times
you try and put one up.

Would it say that Jeremy Usborne
was gay or straight?

I don't fit in to your
tiny little boxes.

I'm just looking for that sacred
connection, and for that,

I'd fuck any single member
of the human race.

Yes. Yes, I believe that.

You know I've always been a bit gay.
I've always liked a bit of that.

Like with Pej in Darty.

You and Pej?

We used to get pissed and pull
each other off. Didn't you?

You should've. It was great.

I have a long and varied
list of regrets,

Jeremy, but not being pulled
off by Pej isn't one of them.

The thing about sex with a guy,

it's like getting your car fixed
at the actual dealership.

They've got all the codes.
You just plug right in.

I mean, you like blow jobs,
don't you, Mark?

I'm eating a Fruit Corner, Jeremy.

Of course you do. But...

what's the most blow jobs
you've ever had in one day?

Like in the first happy days
of a relationship?

One. Right.

Well, my life now
is a 24/7 blow-job bonanza.

I very much regret
starting this conversation.

Put it this way.

I'm moving out and I've got a new
address for you to forward my post to -

Blow-job City.

Jez, I've got to make a move.

Cool. Um, here's that Beastie Boys
CD I was telling you about.

Thanks, but I don't own a CD player.

Oh. Yeah. Well, download the
shit out of them.

They're cool. Yeah?

I think they started before I was
born, and one of them is dead.

Listen, gotta go.
THEY KISS

See you. Bye.

'The gay couple.
I live with a gay couple.

'It's political correctness gone
normal.'

I really like him, Mark.
Do you think it matters

if I'm not young,
dumb and full of come?

Oh, no. I mean...

you're older and...

intelligent and full of come. Yeah.

Except I'm not that intelligent,

because I don't really understand
almost any of what the news is about,

and I'm not even certain that

I'm full of come.
Oh, I'm sure...

'How did I get here?!'

I'm sure you're full of come.

That's nice. Thank you.

So, thank you...
'The one that got away.

'Lovely April.

'But you can't get away from Google,
April. Corrigan and Google -

'the maverick detectives
who just won't give up.

'Yup, she's just as beautiful as she was
when I failed to sleep with her in Darty.

'And she knows a fuckload
about the Ottoman Empire.

'If she voices the audiobook,

'then it's, "Look out, St Basil!" because
I'm going to buy a box of wet wipes

'and have me a wanky
Byzantine party.'

Um, things haven't been great
between me and Joe lately.

'Yeah, that will happen
when he's busy

'sucking off your life coach.'
Maybe we should have a big chat.

And I should just say, like, "Are
you ready to commit? Because I am."

What do you think?

No. Oh.

Right. Why not?
The point is,

you do your thing, yeah,
and let him do his thing.

And don't talk about upsetting shit.

That's the key to happiness.

That's not what I expected you to
say. I'm a straight-shooter.

'And I'm fucking your boyfriend.'
Time's up, I think.

Oh, right.

I'm going to call him.

'No, don't call him!'

Fuck it, I'm going to lock him out.

'Yeah! Lock him out!'

Do you want to, um...

..stay for a glass of wine?

Er... 'She's sexy,

'artistic, confused...
It'd be rude not to!'

'"We studied Ancient History
at Dartmouth -

'"but that's all ancient history!
Ha-ha-ha!"

'No.'

Thanks for coming. Thank you.

Hi. I love the Ottoman Empire.

I think I feel an affinity because
some ingeniously savage children

at my secondary school called me
"the sick man of Europe".

Sorry. TMI.

No! I was actually ostracised by

some horrible girls
who called me Joan of Snark.

'Two peas in a fucking pod.'

Er, who should I sign it to?
Mark. Mark Corrigan.

OK. 'Does she recognise me?

'I should say something.

'Could come clean.

'"You sold me some brogues
and I followed you 200 miles

'"and faked being a mature
student to see you."'

There you go. Thanks again for
coming.

My pleasure.
'This is my chance.

'And I'm doing nothing.

'I am now, this instant,

missing my chance.' Sorry to
flout the queueing system

like some syphilitic sultan,

but I just wanted to say that we did
actually meet once before.

Years ago, at Dartmouth Uni.

I thought I remembered you!
But I wasn't sure...

I transferred from Coventry,
then I transferred back again.

It was complicated. I think Bez
won Big Brother around then.

Kilroy started Veritas. Crazy times.

I'm rambling. But how would you
like to have a glass of wine?

I have to say, this is the first
time I've ever betrayed the ethics

of my life-coaching organisation.

Well, it was outside

our coaching window.
Yeah. I mean...

I bet it's fine if football coaches
have sex with their players, so long as

it's outside the coaching window.
Listen, Joe'll be back soon, so...

you should probably go.
'Oh, I'd love to hang out with Joe,

'but maybe tonight
isn't the best night.'

I'm going to have to book a double
session just to talk this shit through!

'I'm creating my own work!
I'm living off my own mess.

'Like when they fed all the cows to
the other cows in the '90s

'and we got...what was it?
Super-burgers?'

My day job's lecturing
at South Thames College.

So this is your secret identity.

Sort of like Indiana Jones. Yes.

I'm very much like Indiana Jones.
Except I don't have a whip.

And I ain't afraid of no snakes!

'An Indiana Jones reference mixed with
a Ghostbusters reference! I love you,

'April Danecroft.'

I couldn't help noticing
that your book's co-written.

That's my husband. 'Shit!'

I still use my maiden
name for books.

'Of course.
Of course she's married.'

You write together?
That sounds like a...

a dream sort of setup.
Well, I do all the PR.

And most of the bulk
of the writing, too.

'Interesting.'
I mean, it's fine.

Angus is so busy with all his...

research.
'Hello, resentment, my old friend.

'I've come to stoke you up again.'
Mark,

I don't mean to be weird
or anything, but...

did anything happen between us

at one of MacLeish's
weird Darty Parties?

No, I-I mean, if I can just search
the old memory banks...

'For the moment
I replay nightly.'

..we might have had one cuddle once,

but that was about it,
as I recall.

Look, it was so great
to see you again.

I'd better go. Angus awaits.

'She's leaving. Again. Come on, Mark!
Pull your dick from the stone!'

As a matter of fact, I'm having
a dinner party tomorrow night.

Ridiculously short notice,
I know, but...

Well, I'm free tomorrow.

Although Angus is going to a
conference.

Well, why don't you come on your own?
It's not like you're chained together.

Or are you?

Not last time I checked.
Clank clank.

Tomorrow. It's a date.

I mean, that is the date
on which it shall happen.

Great.
'Yes! Olympus has fallen.

'Now all I have to do is cook a meal
so delicious she will make love to me.

'Such as...cheesy pasta.'

Jez, don't forget your phone!

BLENDER WHIRS

I thought you were going to
the cinema

with Joe. Whatever.

It'll start with half an hour of
adverts

which everyone sits through
like obedient disciples

of the capitalist dictatorship.
What the hell are you even doing?

I'm making hummus.
Making hummus, he says,

like it's perfectly natural.
No-one makes hummus.

It's only hummus, Jeremy. What are
you going to do next?

Start making your own
pasta? As a matter of fact,

I have made my own pasta.
Jesus, Mark.

Jamie Oliver and Sainsbury's make
the food. We eat the food.

April from Darty's coming
over, as it happens.

The girl from the shoe shop?

You finally tracked her down and
you're luring her back to your lair

to eat her with pasta.

It isn't a lair, it's my flat!

And my sole subterfuge

is that she thinks she's coming
to a dinner party.

But I've got a feeling that the other
guests may cancel at the last minute.

Naughty, unreliable guests.

Finally I'm rubbing off on
you. Jez,

I think she might actually be
my perfect woman.

She's a serious academic historian

who got my joke about Indiana Jones!

She just texted, saying, "Professor
Jones has her whip ready."

I think it's probably
the sexiest text

anyone has ever received! Wow.

You should go the full Indy.
"I love you," on the eyelids.

LAUGHING
Brilliant.

But far too mad.

Go on! It'll be hilarious!

I was thinking,
"How can I turn up the heat?"

I could blink at her as she
came through the door.

More than hilarious.
It would be a hoot!

It would be a bit of a hoot,
wouldn't it?

But it's the sort of thing you'd
think about but never actually do.

Not on my watch!

Come on. You've tracked down the
love of your life. Go for it!

NERVOUS LAUGHTER

No, Jez! Yes, Mark.

This is what real friends are for.

Making you do brilliant things
that you'd never do otherwise.

This is how the El
Dude Brothers roll.

God.

Right, then, hold still.
Come on, Mark.

Oh!

This is crazy! You're mental!

How does it look?

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, my God! Why would
she be here so early?

I haven't even finished
pureeing the chickpeas!

Megan. Hey, Jezebel.

Got off work early. Thought
I'd see how it's hanging.

'Oh, no! Joe in the bedroom,
Megan in the hallway!

'I'm playing Genital Jenga!'

Good to see you.

It's just... Megan.

Joe. Megan!

Joe popped over.
What a fun coincidence.

Are you having a coaching
session, or...?

No, he came round for a
friendly visit.

Why? Do you have
a coaching session booked?

No, no, no. These are both just
friendly, coincidental visits.

'How lucky and brilliant.

'This party needs to break up fast.

'How? Fire? Use a lighter to
start a little fire in the hall?'

I'll be in in a minute.

There we go.

Four and a half hours of tears
and sweat and pain

and it will, if I'm lucky,

taste almost as nice as a
slice of freshly buttered toast.

'OK, let's get the fuck out. A run?'
PHONE RINGS

'Yeah, let's go for a totally normal
Saturday night three-person run.'

April.

Dr Jones, I presume.
Just whipping up a feast.

'Hi, Mark. I'm really sorry.

'Angus isn't going to his
conference tonight after all.

'Is it OK if we both come
to the dinner party?'

'No way.'

No problemo, amigo.
Hasta la vista.

'Spanish? Has the stress
turned me entirely Spanish?'

'I promise we're house-trained.

'We'll fit right along in
with your other guests.'

Er, of course.

They... They won't mind. They're very
relaxed, the other guests.

One more person
at the dinner party.

No big deal.

'Thanks so much, and
sorry for the short notice.'

'See you in 30.' Adios.

'Oh! Utterly fucked
and unaccountably Spanish.'

Can you smell...
HE SNIFFS

..like, smoke? Um... No. No?

Maybe I'm not feeling very well.
Perhaps you guys should...

Hi there. I know you've
probably got plans tonight,

but I insist you all stay
for a delicious feast.

That might not be so convenient.

Well, that's as it may be,
but I'm afraid I insist.

Joe, Megan, it is going to be
amazing. You must stay.

Er... Wonderful.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm sorry, but I need backup.

Angus is coming. April's husband.

You didn't mention the husband,
you dark, filthy, dirty horse.

Yes, well, she's got a husband and,
in 30 minutes, he'll want some dinner.

I need to bulk out.

Lettuce!

Bulky...lettuce? They'll bring
wine, but we need booze.

Where's the rum?
Get the rum, make a cocktail.

What cocktail?
Any-fucking-thing.

Rum and water, rum and milk.
Chop some parsley into it.

They're all basically horrible.
It's action stations!

Fuck! How quickly can you
get to Mr Patel's and back?

Mr Patel's? Austerity
cornflakes and Latvian feta?

Look, here we go.

Beans. Everyone likes beans.
I can't serve baked beans.

Beans are pasta sauce.
Beans are not pasta sauce!

They're...tomato-y.

Ketchup is tomato-y.

That's not a pasta sauce.
It is when I make pasta.

What the hell are you doing?
I-I'm picking the beans out.

With your disgusting human fingers?

Mashed. I can mash them.

Right, we're getting somewhere.

Cooking's all about confidence.

I'm just going to
mix it all together.

I need to go Nigella.
I'm going to be the Hairy Biker.

That's not Nigella. That's not
even Ainsley, mate.

How about some lovely
filling lettuce?

What are you doing?!
I'm improvising.

'Good. It's like Who's
Pasta Is It Anyway, yeah?'

How old are these?
I don't know. They're always good,

eggs, aren't they?

Till they hatch.

Are they? Yeah?

You know what? Maybe it's
fine. Is it...Moroccan?

Maybe it is Moroccan.

'Yeah, Morocco.
Anything goes in Morocco.'

Right, OK! I like it that way.
They can't prove otherwise.

Fuck them. Exactly.

That's the dinner-party spirit.
Fuck them all!

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
Listen, Mark.

The pasta will be fine.
It'll all be fine.

Do you think? Absolutely.

HE SIGHS
Although I would recommend

getting rid of the love
message on your eyes.

Oh, my God. I forgot!

Oh, my God! 'Urgh, lid scour.'

Is it coming off? Is it coming
off? Not exactly.

Jeremy, did you use permanent marker?

I might have used permanent marker.

I'm going to have to bleach my eyes.

Good idea. Although...

eyes, bleach -
is that a bad one?

I'm going to have to keep my eyes
open all night. Is that possible?

I can do this.
I can do this all night.

DOORBELL RINGS
'Oh, I can't do this.'

'Don't blink, don't blink.'
Hi, Mark.

Hi, April.

This is Angus.

'Just got to keep my
eyes firmly open.

'That's the most important thing.'
I brought you some chocolates

instead of wine, cos everyone always
brings wine, don't they?

Oh... Lovely.

'That'll be one bottle of wine
between six, then. Perfect(!)'

So, you and April
were at Dartmouth together?

Yes. Briefly.

'Almost unbearable urge to blink.

'Ahh! Lovely, lovely blink.

'Enjoy it. Last one of the night.'

Shall we go through?

Help yourself to hummus.

It's freshly made and, if
I say so myself, quite delicious.

'Unlike the rest of the meal.'
Cocktail?

'Mm, rum, water, lettuce, vinegar and
the secret ingredient - salt.'

April said you were off to a
conference.

Yes. Date mix-up.

But I think April will
be able to join me.

I'm actually talking tomorrow

on transcultural memory
in the Ottoman Empire.

'Oh, look who's won
the lettuce lottery.'

Wow, this is, um...
It's Moroccan. I love it.

It... It's quite subtle.

'Blink impulse off the scale
and drink disgusting.'

Um... I might take it slow, leave
some for your other guests.

Good idea. I'll just go and see
where the other guests have got to.

KNOCK ON DOOR

OK, can you haul in the mannequins,
the normalisers?

Also, Megan, would you happen to have
a small make-up bag about your person?

'Oh, my God. Yeah, that'll work.'

Yeah? Yeah, mate.

Do I claim fancy dress
or go full English,

button down, hope they
don't mention? Look,

you probably need to know, Joe
thinks Megan's fucking around on him

and Megan thinks Joe's
fucking around on her.

Right. God. And...

I happen to know that
they're both right.

Because I've sort of ended up
sleeping with both of them.

You're humping them both? To be
honest, it's getting quite tiring.

Especially when I have to do
them both in one day.

Oh, that must be really hard.
I'm so sorry for you, Jez(!)

Uh, uh... Eh-heh-heh-heh.

Uh, uh, uh, eh-heh-heh-heh.

Yeah.

On the plus side, she's fucking around
on him and he's fucking around on her.

So, if they find out
about each other

then I don't see that they
can make much of a fuss.

Well, you can't fuck
them both, I'm afraid.

That's not how civilisation works.

'Civilisation, schmivilisation.'

Did Maggie mention
that she's actually an artist?

It's Megan. Oh, of course!

Maggie's just a nickname.

That she hates. Are you
wearing eyeshadow, Mark?

Er, yes.
That's s-something I'm doing.

I-I understood it was the fashion,
but, uh, I may have been misinformed.

'Serve up, move on.'

So, you two are writing a book
together?

I do the bulk of the writing,

but Angus's ideas are
what the book's built on.

April's doing herself a disservice.

She's the real historian
of the two of us.

I think of myself more as a...

as a theologian, really.

The Holy Roman Empire is a guilty
pleasure... 'He's very decent.

'Very wholesome.

'How can I steal his wife?'
These aren't fashionable subjects.

All above our heads.

Especially yours, eh, Jez?

LAUGHTER
'Ah, yeah, that's right.

'Always rely on Jez for a
chuckle. I'll show them.'

Can I ask you a question, Angus,
of a theological nature?

I'll see what I can do.
Did Jesus have...

a cat?

I wouldn't have thought personal
pets in the sense that we...

If you don't know, just say.
Well...

I do find it interesting
that all you pointy-heads,

living inside your Westminster
bubble... I'm not a politician.

People like you in
your ivory towers,

who are like, who gives a fuck
about the real issues...?

The issue of whether Jesus had a
cat?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Do dig in.

What is it?
Um... It's Moroccan.

Like my eyeshadow.

Tastes like baked beans on
spaghetti with lettuce.

I'd hate to call you a racist
at my dinner party,

but I think it's a little more
sophisticated than that.

It's from the Atlas Mountains.

'This is a disaster. Joe thinks I'm
an idiot. I'm not an idiot.

'I'm Paxman.'

To be honest, er, I've never
really got it about Jesus.

I mean, apart from all the Christian
stuff, what did Jesus actually do?

What did Jesus do...
apart from Christianity?

Yeah, put that aside.
The moral universe we all live in?

I'm not knocking the guy.

I'm just saying, you know, apart from
that, what did he actually achieve?

You know, I'm not saying I like him,
but at least Hitler did some paintings.

If you're comparing Hitler and
Jesus, I'm afraid I'm out.

'Ooh, hello!

'Naughty, naughty Megan.

'Am I betraying Joe or Megan more?

'I like him loads,
but I'm her life coach.

'What the fuck?

'Joe? No, don't cross the streams.

'Shit!' What the hell?

I, um... That was
actually Mark's foot.

He does that sometimes for laughs.

What?

Put your foot in my groin
under the table.

No, I don't.
Mark's got his shoes on.

He's quick.
He slips them on and off.

It's part of our flirty,
dirty game.

I have no idea what he's
talking about.

'There goes a valuable glassful.'

- What's going on?
- What's going on?!

My boyfriend is fucking my
life coach. No, Megan.

Can we talk about this, please?
'Oh, brilliant.

'Freak-show sideshow at the
shit-show.'

What the fuck were you doing?

What was I doing? What the fuck
were you doing?

I might leave them to it.

'Ohh, the Corrigan stare.

'The full Paddington.'

I need a cigarette.
Has anyone got a cigarette?

I thought you'd given up.

I thought things,
you thought things.

Turns out, people can surprise you.

'Hello!'

Go on. Fine. Choke yourself.

At least I tell you
when I'm breaking a promise.

'Stop actually rubbing my hands.'

Sorry, it's just a...
bit of a flashback to Corfu.

Corfu? Er, it's nothing.

Not nothing.

When we were in Corfu last summer,
we had a little relationship trouble.

I'm sure all's well now.
I-I don't want to pry.

'Wheedle, wheedle, pry and needle.'

We've had counselling, we've dealt
with the issues, we've moved on.

But the wounds are still there.

That can happen with wounds.
It can be good to give them a good...

inspection now and again.

As a penance, I went to live with the
monks on Mount Athos for three months.

Ten weeks.

Ten weeks, whatever.

Apparently, he lived on nothing but
dry bread and goat's milk.

But when I picked him up, there were
a lot of Nutella jars in his recycling.

I know, and I'm sorry.

I can be weak.

Weak how exactly, Angus?

You don't have to achieve sainthood.

Just, ooh, try not to fuck
anyone else.

'This is amazing.

'So uncomfortable.

'This could be my night
of greatest triumph.

'If we weren't all about to die
from eating these poisonous eggs.'

For the cheese course,
I have a soft cheese...

'Dairylea moulded together
with my bare hands.'

..plus a tasty young Stilton.
Ingenious. But totally mental.

'Out of bread and crackers.

'Just need to state it with
conviction.'

It's time for cheese and lettuce.
'Most natural combination in the world.'

So, we've got good news. We're going
to make a go of it.

We're looking at the possibility
of moving forward as a three.

Becoming a...triangle.

A very respectful, very boundaried,
rather horny triangle.

With guidelines.

Three-ism.

Th... Three-ism?

Well, I think it's great you're
trying to approach the situation

in the most adult way possible.

My God. Is that what you want?

To give it a go with her and
me in some kind of triangle?

'Oh, Angus. You just can't seem to say
the right thing, you lovely arsehole.'

HE SIGHS
I'm sorry this all happened here.

'Just very sensitively shut her in.'

I am upset.
It's obviously still a bit raw.

But I do still love him.

Of course. Of course you do.

Can you tell him I need to talk to
him? 'Maybe I will, April.

'Although you might have picked
a slightly corrupt postman.'

OK, I mean, this is very exciting,

but I might need to make
a move home, so, Joe...

Oh, I thought Joe
was staying here tonight,

um...according to the guidelines.

No, it's Saturday,
so it's a Joe and Megan night.

Right, but you spent
last night together.

Um... "On no two consecutive nights
shall..." Et cetera, et cetera.

Yeah, but you two already fucked today.
It's my turn for a go on Joe.

Oh, OK.

Well, then, yeah, I mean,
I guess it's up to Joe.

Is it? Is there a rule for...?

Oh, this is fucking bullshit!

ANGUS CLEARS HIS THROAT

What did she say? Look,

don't shoot the messenger,
but April said she...

doesn't want to speak to you.

She loves you, but she's
not sure she likes you.

Right. 'Naughty postman.

'Drink down my lies, Angus.

'They taste good, don't they?'

Is this Ribena?

Yes, it's Ribena. I'm an alcoholic.

I'm a complicated guy
with a complicated past.

Like you and April.

Why did you have to sleep
with her? I'm right here!

Oh, everything was all right
when you were humping two people,

but when I started,
that's not allowed?

No, no, you knew we were humping
when we humped.

You kept Megan a secret because
you like her more than me.

Admit it.

No! I won't fucking admit it,
because it's not true.

Angus loves you, but...he doesn't
know if he respects you.

April... I was just explaining.

I-I think I got it right, that...

I need some space to think.

Uh-huh. That's wise.

I understand. I'll go.

'That's right, off you fuck.'

April, if you like,
there's a B&B nearby,

or I can take the sofa and you can...

That's kind, Mark, but I want
to go home.

Gus, do you mind staying here?
Of course.

Let's talk anon.

Bye, Mark.

And thank you.

Great. She's gone and I'm left with
the Jesus lunk who, because of manners,

I can't simply push out the window.
For God's sake, this is pathetic.

I never asked you to fight over me.
Get off!

Yeah, the fighting phase
seems to be ending, actually.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Thank you, Mark, for letting
me stay. You're a good man.

I feel like I want to talk.

You know, really talk, about...

sin and man and God and love

and the mystery of the Trinity.

Right.

Yes? 'Yep, let's sit
here, me and my make-up,

'and drink vinegar and lettuce and
rum and eat moulded Dairylea

'and scribbled Cheddar and talk
it all through for ever,

'while those two gently hump
in the corner.'