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# I'm not sick but I'm not well
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♪ And I'm so hot cos I'm in hell. ♪
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'God, I'm nervous,
I haven't seen Mark for six months.
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'Hope he's not too horrible.
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'Maybe he'll have forgotten
I tried to steal his girlfriend.
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'I pretty much have.'
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'I'll never forget he tried
to steal my girlfriend.
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'But I won't mention it tonight,
can't ruin Super Hans' stag.
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'I've reached acceptance.
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'With the aid of a self-help
CD I loathe, I've reached acceptance.
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'Oh, my God, there he is.'
12
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'Here we go, Mr Big,
the ex-provider of my cheddar.'
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'Relax, no recriminations
on the stag.
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'I haven't had a night out
for months,
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'no recriminations on the stag.'
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Hello...Jeremy. Mark.
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Good to see you.
Likewise, I'm sure. So...
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'Going to relax this shit
out with a lean.'
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Yeah, so...howz youz?
I'm most content.
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Right, that's good
that you're happy.
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I mean, obviously not that happy,
since Dobby moved to New York.
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'Ugh! I did recriminations
on the stag.' Yeah, right.
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'The Elephant Man never forgets.'
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Well, this is it. Super Hans' stag.
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Hard hats on, time to
descend into the depths of depravity.
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Oi-oi, it's Snoopy
and the Red Baron,
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come in,
you pair of fucking carb-loaders.
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The base juices are all paid for,
lads, so choose your
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fucking additions and let's detox
till we've got mega cocks.
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'Oh, my God,
he's cleaned up for the wedding.
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'Iggy's gone to rehab - Sober Hans!'
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'This stag is one load
of PG-rated, Disney-assed,
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'Which? magazine-approved,
childproof,
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'high-vitamin
fucking bullshit.'
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(Jez, do you think at some point soon
it's going to start to degenerate?)
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..antioxidants.
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Oh, here we go, lads, more juice.
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Delicious, Hans, I'm just not sure
how much more juice
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I can manage, to be honest.
40
00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:05,720
Yeah, after you've had three or four
really big juices... Whatever.
41
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So listen, I thought we would hang
here for a bit, have a little stroll
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down Oxford Street, take in the
funny T-shirts,
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hit one of my fave Prets,
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more juice, bit of a relax,
then this avo - shopping, relax,
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juice, and then Tussauds.
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They've got a new waxwork of Zoella
and some other wicked YouTubers.
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Sound tasty?
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(When do you think it'll degenerate?)
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(I would think it'll
degenerate soon.)
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'Oh, pissing pure Innocent smoothie,
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'there's no way
we can talk more about juice.'
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See, the thing about juice from most
places is you get all the fibre
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and most of the vitamins,
but if it's been pasteurised
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a fucklot of the micronutrient
content has been neutralised.
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Oh, no, I don't think so, love,
we're not...
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Did one of you jokers order this?
Sorry, wrong table.
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Unless, erm... One little siparoo?
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No, mate, no! No.
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What, just to wet the whistle?
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Exactly, just to wet the whistle.
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If it's just to wet the whistle...
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'That's right, get that big,
old whistle really nice and wet.'
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Mm. That is quite refreshing.
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♪ Oh, I just want to fuck and suck
Fuck and suck... ♪
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Everyone!
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ALL: # I just want to fuck and suck
all the whole night through. #
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♪ I love cocaine
I love cocaine... ♪
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Like, I'm really passionate about my
art, but I'm stuck working here,
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and it's like, when is it going to
happen for me, you know?
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Probably never. Right.
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What are your actual chances
of making a living as an artist?
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I don't know, like, not very high?
Exactly. Not very high.
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Jez, I want to go full horrible.
Take me to the nasties.
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All in good time, Hans.
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Look, I'm a life coach,
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so when I say sometimes you have to
kill a dream to follow a dream,
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that's advice backed
by a professional standards body.
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'Mm, I've said "body",
she'll be thinking about my body.'
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'Scuse me there, mate. Fuck off!
I heard The Strokes before you.
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Ha! It DID degenerate.
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I knew it would.
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I want Molly. I love Molly!
She's not here, Hans.
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All right, you're home now,
let's get you on the futon.
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Sleep it off. I fucking hate a futon.
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Everyone does,
but they're indestructible,
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so we are stuck with them.
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You're living here with Super Hans
and his fiancee, the three of you
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in their tiny flat?
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Yep. Oh, yep. So where do you...?
Come on through.
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00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:31,080
It's a great space,
extremely versatile.
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This is...your room? The humidity is
actually great for my chest.
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I mean, it's not number one
Hyde Park Palace,
93
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but it suits me down to the ground.
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'This is the most pathetic
sight known to man.'
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I think of it as a sunken bed.
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Yeah, that's probably a good
way to think of it.
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Don't even need to leave the tub.
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Drink from the tap,
and when I need to,
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just push the bag down, bang -
the bog's right there.
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Just kneel and piss directly
down the plughole. It's my system.
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Ah, OK, that's a good...
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system. And you haven't even
seen the kitchen.
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I love it. Clever.
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You've got a great set-up here.
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'Mmm, toilet toast.'
Jez, I need to...
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Oh, right, yeah, no problem, wicked.
Will it be a longy or a shorty?
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A... No worries, you decide.
Take your time.
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That is the one small downside,
but it's cool.
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Right, well,
you probably want to turn in.
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Once Super Hans has
finished his disgusting business.
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I'll see you around.
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'There he goes, my other half,
my better half, 'er indoors.'
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Mark, we need to talk, there's
something I need to say to you.
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'Finally!
Let the apologathon commence.'
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SUPER HANS WHIMPERS
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No, it's going to be a longy!
But maybe not here.
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'"Sorry, Mark. I'm sorry."
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'So simple, and yet it feels
like if I say it,
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'I might actually die.
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'OK, no need for an apology now,
I'm back in.
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'We'll just pick up
where we left off.'
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Jez, this is Jerry. Jerry, Jez.
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Jerry? Jerry's
a colleague from the bank. The bank?
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I work at a bank now,
Johnson got me in.
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00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:03,760
Johnson? Yep!
And he's off the sauce.
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Erm, unless you count tomato sauce.
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Yes, he certainly likes a lot
of tomato sauce on his chips!
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HE CHUCKLES
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Jerry moved in a few weeks back.
Yeah, I've just split from my ex.
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00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:18,040
She was a miner from Moldova.
A gold miner!
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So me and Mark are the
Rebound Brothers. Boing!
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LESS ENTHUSIASTIC: Boing.
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'The El Dude Brothers trump
the Rebound Brothers,
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'you total fucking arsehole.'
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I'm the new improved you.
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FORCED LAUGH
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LAUGHTER STOPS
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MARK CLEARS HIS THROAT
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He's using my mug, Mark.
They're all my mugs, Jez.
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Jerry's a William Morris fan,
we both are.
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"Have nothing in your room that
you do not believe to be beautiful
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"or know to be useful."
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'I don't know why,
but I HATE Jerry.'
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Hey, that's my duvet!
I don't think so.
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So, what was it you wanted to say?
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I've got work in the morning so I'd
quite like to get to bed.
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'Watch him grovel live,
while I swirl a brandy
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'and hold a breadstick
like a big cigar.'
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'I'm out, Jerry's in -
apology redundant.'
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Pretty sure that IS my duvet.
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That's it? That's it.
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You don't perhaps wish to play
the classic board game "Sorry!" No.
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I'll give you a twatting
at Operation if you like.
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Or we could hunt for YouTube clips
of the Ronnie Corbett sitcom "Sorry!"
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while we ate some...
'Bit much?'
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..sorrel soup.
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Look, Mark, I know what you're
getting at, but the fact is,
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that day with Dobby I had a...
a medical brain attack.
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I've got a note from the doctor,
somewhere.
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If I can find the bloody thing!
Right.
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You are not to blame for anything?
Well, fine. Goodnight.
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I'll see you around, no doubt.
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'Fine, I'll go, but before I do,
I'm reclaiming the Falklands.'
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What are you doing? Taking my duvet,
if that's cool.
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No, it's not cool,
Jerry needs it, it's not yours.
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Fuck Jerry, it's mine!
Jeremy, this isn't normal!
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It is, it's all totally normal!
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'There he goes, duvet cape man off to
his toilet kitchen.'
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00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:05,440
'Another night in the bath.
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'I really don't think you could
call my life a failure,
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'look at that, I've got
a sleeping bag AND a duvet.'
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KNOCK ON DOOR
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'If this was the olden days,
I'd be a billionaire.'
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00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:18,240
Jez, I'm fucked, Molly found
a wrap of coke in me pocket.
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Oh, man, so you're in the shit.
Yeah.
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Well, no, I had to
say it was yours, so...
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you're in the shit. You take
the hit for me, mate? Please.
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She'll break it off
if she finds out I've been coke-ing.
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Jeremy? Is it true? The coke?
Yes, yes, it's mine.
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I brought some coke to the stag,
even though Hans asked me
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not to, and... But he refused
to have any. Yeah.
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He was like, "Come on!"
And I was like, "No, no."
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Why was it in his pocket?
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Because he took it off me. Why? Why?
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00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,600
Because he was trying to...
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00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:57,640
spike people and drug little kids,
and I was like, "No way, dude."
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00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:02,760
Jez... Uh, yeah, yeah, I'm a spiker,
it's just one of my things.
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00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:07,640
Yeah, he was like,
"Let's spike these shitheads",
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00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:11,680
and I was like, "No way."
I couldn't see that happen. Spiking.
190
00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:15,800
I guess I'm just a terrible,
terrible shithead.
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00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:18,240
Look, we've put up with a lot with
you staying here...
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Yeah. ..but I think
if we want the lifestyle we want...
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00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:24,160
Yeah, look, sorry, Jez,
but you're a bad influence,
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00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,880
and, eh...I think you need to leave.
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00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:30,320
Can't I stay one more night?
After everything I've done for you?
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00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:33,360
Not just in the past,
but like, REALLY RECENTLY.
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00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:36,840
I'm sorry, Jez, but you broke...
You broke our trust.
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00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:40,880
You're a liar, and a pervert,
and a scumbag,
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00:09:41,120 --> 00:09:43,700
and I never want to see you again.
200
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:47,440
'Finally working at a bank,
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00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:49,800
'and banks have turned
into phone shops.
202
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,720
'But it is still a bank.'
HE CHUCKLES
203
00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:53,440
'I'm the Wolf of Wall Street.
204
00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:56,000
'Look out, Boots! I'm going
to by 100 meal deals
205
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,040
'and eat them off a prossie
in the nude.'
206
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,520
Hey, hey, hey, Marco.
How you going, good buddy?
207
00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:03,040
Yeah, great, actually, old pal.
Oh, really?
208
00:10:03,080 --> 00:10:04,934
I thought you might
be feeling like a guy
209
00:10:05,014 --> 00:10:07,000
who's just walked into
a high-class restaurant
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00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:10,240
with a sausage dog on the end
of his dick. Er, no.
211
00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:13,280
I got something up all my visual
display unit this morning, Mark.
212
00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:15,792
I thought it was a high-definition
photo of some dog shit.
213
00:10:15,872 --> 00:10:16,920
Then I took a closer look,
214
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:20,000
and I realised it was actually
your sales record. Oh.
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00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:22,080
Right. I pulled strings
to get you in, Mark.
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00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:23,880
If you look like
a sausage dog fucker,
217
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:26,400
then I look like a sausage
dog fucker. Do you get me?
218
00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:28,680
'Got to get my dick out of the dog.'
219
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,840
Someone didn't get enough tomato
sauce on his bacon butty.
220
00:10:31,880 --> 00:10:35,880
Ha, yeah, he certainly needs
a little more sauce.
221
00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:40,240
'Ugh, just repeating the joke.
I need to elaborate on the conceit!
222
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,600
'But too worried about redundancy.'
223
00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:44,840
Hello, how hard can
I shaft you today?
224
00:10:44,880 --> 00:10:48,840
'Jerry's sales record shits on mine.
I need to sell a loan.
225
00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:52,240
'Fuck, where's a good old-fashioned
gullible idiot when you need one?'
226
00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:56,280
Mark?
227
00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:59,920
I felt a bit bad about the other
night, so I got you a biscuit.
228
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,440
I mean, they call them cookies,
229
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,720
but I know you prefer me
to call it a biscuit.
230
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:07,760
Uh-huh. The good thing is
that to get, say, ?3,000,
231
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:10,520
you'd pay just 21% APR.
232
00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:13,040
Is that good?
It's pretty good, yeah.
233
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:16,920
And, er, you'd only need to repay
2% of the capital a month.
234
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:19,880
'If you want the loan
to last 184 years.'
235
00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:22,760
Three grand? Free?
It's not quite free...
236
00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:25,400
But I get it without having
to give you anything?
237
00:11:25,440 --> 00:11:28,480
Yes. So basically,
it is free, really.
238
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:29,680
MARK CHUCKLES
239
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:32,960
Yes, you've winkled me out.
It is basically free.
240
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:34,840
And the interesting thing about you
241
00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:38,000
is that you'd actually qualify
as an F6. That sounds good.
242
00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:40,640
It's a credit rating especially
for people like you.
243
00:11:40,680 --> 00:11:43,640
'The terminally ill and criminals
who might flee to Thailand.'
244
00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:46,560
Ooh, I've got a credit rating!
Yes, you have, Jez.
245
00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:48,080
You have.
246
00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:50,160
And to qualify for this loan,
247
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,600
all you need is a reference
from a landlord
248
00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:55,040
or a former landlord.
249
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,720
'Would you like to play capitalism?'
250
00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,040
Great. And now I'm all signed up,
251
00:12:00,080 --> 00:12:03,520
could we have a chat about
living arrangements?
252
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:06,200
Yeah, I've moved out of Hans'.
253
00:12:06,240 --> 00:12:09,240
So yeah, I'm considering something
really exciting -
254
00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:12,520
a night in one of the Royal Parks.
255
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:15,240
Unless... 'Homeless Jeremy. No!
256
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:17,520
'Harden the heart! I'm moving on.'
257
00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:20,480
Look, Jez, you wouldn't want
to live with me and Jerry.
258
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:23,160
We're stick-in-the-muds
who like nothing better
259
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,840
than watching Civilisation
with Kenneth Clark
260
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:28,680
whilst eating artichokes
and sea bream.
261
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:31,600
No, great, good.
I'll be fine in the park
262
00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:33,920
till the loan comes through.
Anyway, thanks.
263
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,560
'There goes the first beat of
the butterfly wing
264
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:40,600
'that starts the next
financial meltdown.'
265
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,360
HE YAWNS
266
00:12:43,400 --> 00:12:46,520
6:45. There's a lot of evening,
isn't there?
267
00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:49,200
Without the goggle box.
Maybe we should treat ourselves.
268
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:53,240
Get back to the William Morris
documentary. Um, yeah.
269
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:56,560
Brilliant. 'Ugh, more William Morris!
270
00:12:56,600 --> 00:13:00,600
'Wallpaper and worker's rights.
God, this is like the Dark Ages.
271
00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:03,920
'Centuries and centuries with nothing
to look forward to except
272
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:07,960
'the slim possibility a Viking might
break down the door and rape me.'
273
00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:11,600
'Crush! Crush the candy.
274
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:15,240
'So relentless, so satisfying
yet unsatisfying.
275
00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:19,280
'Like Cleopatra, Candy Crush makes
hungry where most she satisfies.
276
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:21,120
HE CHUCKLES
277
00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:25,160
'Crushing candy, quoting Shakespeare,
hiding in a toilet in my own home.
278
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:28,480
'This is the confused high point
of Western civilisation.'
279
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:29,680
Are you OK there, Mark?
280
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:33,080
Oh, fine, thanks, Jerry.
Shouldn't be too much longer now.
281
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:35,160
Take your time, mate.
I've paused it.
282
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:39,200
'ARRRGH! Thought I'd killed 20
minutes of Morris, but no!'
283
00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:41,360
DOORBELL RINGS
284
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:44,280
Oh, hello, Mark.
Got time for a chat?
285
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:46,520
Er... 'Could just shut the door?'
286
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:48,840
Maybe you'd better come in
for a minute.
287
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:50,680
'Has he read the loan small print?
288
00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:53,760
'Yeah, right. He doesn't read
the large print.
289
00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:56,840
'But he might protect me
temporarily from Morris.'
290
00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:59,160
'Look out, Mark. My brain's
got something in it,
291
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,000
'and you don't know what something.'
292
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:03,400
Quite like to get back to
my reading, so...
293
00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:06,840
Yes, so, Mark, did you know that
every time you play Candy Crush
294
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,440
on your phone you sent out
a Facebook invitation?
295
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:13,040
'Fucking Facebook! Zuckerberg's
fucked me again, that arsehole.'
296
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:15,520
I have absolutely no idea
what you're talking about.
297
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:17,640
I don't think you know
your settings very well.
298
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:20,000
You're pumping out invites
every time you play.
299
00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:22,480
Perhaps I was hacked.
That happens a lot. It could.
300
00:14:22,520 --> 00:14:25,560
Mm. It just tends to happen
to people who have just sent
301
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:28,600
pictures of their cock on Twitter.
They're all hacked.
302
00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:31,320
Well, I can't think of
any other explanation.
303
00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:33,520
Look, the problem for you is
304
00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:36,000
I'm your friend. I know you, Mark.
305
00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:38,400
I know you like to pretend that
you're this stuffed shirt
306
00:14:38,440 --> 00:14:41,800
who reads incredibly boring books
about dead people killing each other
307
00:14:41,840 --> 00:14:44,800
with bayonets and typhoid,
but I know the truth.
308
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:46,800
I've watched Grand Designs with you.
309
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:50,560
That smile when some eco-glass
gets delayed on its way
310
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:53,920
from Antwerp and the nice couple
gets pushed over budget.
311
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:57,000
That's the real you. 'It wasn't
Antwerp, it was Freiburg.'
312
00:14:57,040 --> 00:15:00,600
You're this pathetic human
who likes Twirls and Downton
313
00:15:00,640 --> 00:15:02,240
and Bond and burgers,
314
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:04,560
so don't come the big guy with me,
315
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:06,600
because it won't fucking wash.
316
00:15:06,640 --> 00:15:07,930
Mark, the embroidery is over.
317
00:15:08,010 --> 00:15:10,280
It's back onto the gold
- Rossetti and the seizures.
318
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,320
'I do want Octopussy and a Twirl,
319
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:14,240
'but I'm not giving him
the satisfaction.'
320
00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:18,280
Shall we? After you. I'm interested.
321
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:24,920
Well, if you are going to stick around,
you might want to get a book out.
322
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,760
Yeah, well, I haven't got
Mr Nice with me.
323
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:29,480
You're reading Mr Nice AGAIN?
There's a hell of a lot to it.
324
00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:32,280
And when I read it
I'm usually extremely high,
325
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,400
which makes it better,
but also means
326
00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,000
that I've forgotten most of it,
327
00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:38,760
which is actually great, because
then it never gets boring.
328
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,760
'Come on, nerd.
Raise the drawbridge.
329
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,440
'King Jeremy's coming back
to his castle.'
330
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:44,920
Lovely and warm in here.
331
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,280
'Oh, God, he's going
for the thermostat.'
332
00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:50,760
I take it you're a 23 degree guy,
Terry? Jerry. Whatever.
333
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:53,400
Yes, I am. Mm. Must be
awkward for Mark.
334
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,200
He's a real 21 degree-er.
335
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:59,120
'The Aldi Poirot with his CBBC
magnifying glass.'
336
00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:01,000
23 versus 21.
337
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:04,120
It's like Israel versus Palestine,
isn't it? The endless beef.
338
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:06,360
There's really no possible
compromise.
339
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:10,120
Mark and I often settle on 22.
22, yeah.
340
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:11,800
Good. That's good.
341
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,960
Both one degree uncomfortable.
342
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:19,000
Right, who wants a nice cup
of the Kenco?
343
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:24,520
Jerry said he doesn't want coffee.
He said he'd make his own later.
344
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:28,560
He said, like he was joking, that
your coffee tastes like horse piss.
345
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:32,320
But I don't think he was really
joking. Try a bit harder, Jeremy.
346
00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:34,400
And then he hit me.
He did not hit you.
347
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:37,400
Look, Mark, you need to face facts.
Jerry's a wanker.
348
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:41,000
Kick him out and kick me back in.
No. Why not? No reason.
349
00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:42,480
Is this the Dobby thing?
350
00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:45,880
No. But is it? Of course it's the
fucking Dobby thing. I knew it!
351
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,480
You tried to profess your love
to my girlfriend
352
00:16:48,520 --> 00:16:51,640
who I was trying to propose to.
You fucked up my life!
353
00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:53,400
So? What do you want me to do?
354
00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:57,440
I want you to apologise! Fine!
355
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:02,440
Obviously I think we're both very
sorry about what happened. No dice.
356
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:05,880
IN AN AMERICAN ACCENT: I'm really,
really sorry, Mark.
357
00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:07,640
Say it properly, Jeremy!
358
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,760
IN A SCOUSE ACCENT: I'm sorry.
Nope. All right, fine.
359
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:13,840
I admit I shouldn't have
come on your picnic.
360
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:15,440
And?! What?!
361
00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:18,080
Look, I'm sorry, all right? Finally!
362
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,840
And if you like I'll lay
it on with a trowel
363
00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:23,080
and tell you how I like you,
364
00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:25,520
I value you... 'Oh, Jesus,
he's going to say he loves me.'
365
00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:27,480
And even... Apology accepted.
366
00:17:27,520 --> 00:17:30,080
Well, thank you. Come on, Mark!
367
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:32,880
We're into Kelmscott Manor
and the Icelandic landscape!
368
00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:36,400
Maybe I do sometimes
wonder about Jerry,
369
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:38,680
but I've made my bed,
so I've just got to...
370
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,400
Well, maybe I can help with that.
371
00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:42,160
'What's he doing?'
372
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:46,200
Mark, look, if you're really not
into the Willie Morris doc,
373
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,120
why don't we change gear?
The Sopranos?
374
00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,600
Ruskin. Oh.
375
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:54,480
John Ruskin. Art patron, draughtsman,
376
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:56,600
watercolourist and philanthropist.
377
00:17:56,640 --> 00:18:00,400
Yeah, listen, I'm afraid I have
an announcement to make.
378
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:03,960
I've discovered that in order
to keep himself interested with
379
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,000
all this garbage he pretends to
like, Jerry drugs his head off.
380
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:12,120
Don't be pathetic. I saw you
put something in your pocket.
381
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:15,520
I didn't like what I saw.
382
00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:19,120
Coke, Mark. Jerry is a cokehead
who loves to take coke.
383
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:21,280
No, you put that in there.
I took it out,
384
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:24,360
which is a very, very
different thing.
385
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:27,840
No, you put it in earlier.
You put it in at an earlier time.
386
00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:30,920
Oh, what a terrible thing to
accuse me of! Come on, Mark.
387
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:34,320
Tell him to knack off and we'll get
down to some Ruskin and a-readin'.
388
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:38,360
The thing is, Jerry, I'm not sure
I could live with a drug head.
389
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:42,080
This is ridiculous. It's laughable.
390
00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:45,160
Why are you trying to get rid of me,
Mark? You don't believe him.
391
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:49,160
Maybe I'm not quite as interested in
William Morris as I thought I was
392
00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:51,640
when you first started
to go on about him.
393
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:55,080
Why didn't you just say?
I can't just say things, Jerry!
394
00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:57,760
What if I don't want to go?
Well, we can't go back now.
395
00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,720
The atmosphere is soured.
396
00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:02,240
We have no choice. No, I can
live in a sour atmosphere.
397
00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:04,920
Well, I can't. 'Yes, you bloody can.'
Tough.
398
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:07,000
I'm going to go to MY bedroom now,
399
00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:11,040
and I will be coming
and going as I please.
400
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:16,280
What about going Litvinenko?
Kill him?
401
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:19,040
With polonium? Not full Litvinenko.
402
00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:22,760
Just a little bit of something
debilitating in his pasta each night.
403
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:26,400
Grind him down, weaken him,
till he's all pathetic
404
00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:29,920
and you can just scoop him up
like a sick whippet
405
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,800
and dump him. Um...
406
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:33,800
You might quite like tending him
407
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,320
as he grows weaker and weaker.
408
00:19:36,360 --> 00:19:40,360
"Here's your tea, Jerry.
God, you must get better soon."
409
00:19:40,440 --> 00:19:42,320
"Oh, do sit up, Jerry,
410
00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:46,360
"while I spoon you some more of
this slightly silvery porridge."
411
00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:49,520
THEY LAUGH
412
00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:53,320
Should I keep my voice down? No,
he's an irritatingly sound sleeper.
413
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,600
Earplugs and eye mask, the full lot.
414
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:59,640
Well, we could start by just
moving his stuff out.
415
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:02,760
No. No, we couldn't.
416
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,720
Could we?
417
00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:05,880
HE SNORES
418
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:08,040
WHISPERING: OK, we're nearly there.
Last two.
419
00:20:08,080 --> 00:20:10,120
This doesn't feel good.
It's fine, Mark.
420
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:12,720
It's like a prank. Oi-oi.
421
00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:14,800
How's the ethnic cleansing going?
422
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:17,600
Hans? I thought it might be a good
idea to have some backup.
423
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,000
I owe Jez. He took a bullet for me.
424
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:23,440
You, you're a pure chrome dildo.
Solid.
425
00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:24,760
OK.
426
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:27,200
Everything's out. What now?
427
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:29,560
We could tie him to
a hot-air balloon.
428
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,240
Then he would drift away
out of the window.
429
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:34,960
Erm... You like that?
The hot-air balloon?
430
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,920
Or...punch him? Hans?
What you looking at me for?
431
00:20:37,960 --> 00:20:41,600
You punch him. Maybe you could sit
on him, intimidate him, yeah?
432
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:45,640
Fart on his face. Psychological
warfare. Yeah, grind him down.
433
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:49,400
Attack his beliefs. Yeah.
That, plus we fart.
434
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:52,240
What is this, farty Guantanamo?
435
00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:54,120
No, I...
436
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:58,160
I think we have to wake him up,
just tell him to leave, like men.
437
00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:02,360
Or... He is sort of bagged
for our convenience.
438
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:06,120
Hm! What? We could just...
439
00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:08,280
bag him up and sling him out.
440
00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:10,440
'I'm definitely going
to agree to this.
441
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,120
'I just need to put up an acceptable
level of objection
442
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:16,080
'so I can be all reproachful
if it proves to be a disaster,
443
00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:18,120
'which it almost certainly will.'
No!
444
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,040
No way. No.
445
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,280
Well...
446
00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:26,320
OK, but on your heads be it.
Bag him, Hans.
447
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:30,000
Argh!
448
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:32,400
Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey!
I got him. He's bagged.
449
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:34,440
You fucking... What's going on?!
Sorry, pal.
450
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:37,600
You are surplus to requirements.
Put him out.
451
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:39,240
I'm sorry, Jerry.
452
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:41,080
CRASH
Argh! Ow!
453
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:43,400
Jez, I thought you were
going to grab the other end.
454
00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:45,320
That's the normal way.
The normal way?
455
00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:48,000
None of this is normal!
I've got a verbal contract!
456
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:50,440
He doesn't. You don't, Jerry.
Yes, I do!
457
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:53,280
Small claims court!
I'm not part of this, Jerry.
458
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,520
Put him in the lift, Hans. The lift?
459
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:58,080
Fucking hell. You got a wheelbarrow?
460
00:21:58,120 --> 00:21:59,680
Why are you doing this, Mark?
461
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:02,280
I want to read my Napoleon
correspondence
462
00:22:02,320 --> 00:22:05,880
AND watch Storage Hunters.
Does that make me a bad person?
463
00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:08,320
Don't put me in the lift!
Stop wriggling.
464
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,360
Should I give him a kick?
Don't kick him!
465
00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,440
Do not kick me! Jerry, stay still.
466
00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:14,400
This will all be over soon.
467
00:22:14,440 --> 00:22:17,920
I'm being kidnapped!
All good here. It's just a prank.
468
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:21,760
It's hijinks. We're the Croydon
Bullingdon. It's not a prank!
469
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:23,160
Shush, Jerry.
470
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:26,240
I'm calling the police! Shut it or
you're getting waterboarded.
471
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:29,360
Do not bloody waterboard me!
I warned you.
472
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:31,680
Waterboard!
473
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:34,960
HE SPLUTTERS
474
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:36,840
This is horrible!
475
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:39,720
You two, seriously - you need
to take a look at yourselves.
476
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:42,120
He's right! Offensive behaviour!
In he goes.
477
00:22:42,160 --> 00:22:44,560
This is against the
Geneva Convention!
478
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:48,600
I'm contacting the
Citizens Advice Bureau!
479
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:51,560
'I'm back, baby. The bitch is back.'
480
00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:55,600
Bye, Jerry. See you at work tomorrow.
39895
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