Original subtitles

{�� The Gabe Dixon Band: Find My Way}

{birds chirping}

Shit!

{indistinct chattering}

Andrew, hey.

Here you go. Your reguIar Iattes.

LiteraIIy saved my Iife. Thank you. Thank you.

{honking}

{eIevator dinging}

- Everyone OK? - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Me too.

HeIIo, Frank? How's my favorite writer?

Of course you've been thinking about our taIk

because you know I'm right.

Frank, peopIe in this country are busy, broke,

and they hate to read. They need someone they can trust to say,

''Hey! Don't watch CSI: Indianapolis tonight.

Read a book! Read Frank's book.'' And that person is Oprah.

{indistinct chatter}

- Cuttin' it cIose. - One of those mornings.

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

- {both grunting} - Sweet...

- Uh, sorry. - ...Jesus!

- {Iaughter} - {man} Rub some dirt on it, brother.

Frank, the truth is aII A-pIus noveIists do pubIicity.

Roth, McCourt, Russo, and...

Frank! Can I teII you what eIse they have in common? A PuIitzer.

I need the shirt off your back. LiteraIIy.

- You're kidding, right? - Yankees, Boston, this Tuesday,

two company seats for your shirt. You have five seconds to decide.

Five, four, three, two, one.

- {Iaughing} - I know...

- Shh! - Later.

- {gasps} - Uh-oh.

- {popping sound} - {cIears throat}

{popping sound on numerous computers}

Uh, heIIo. HeIIo?

Morning, boss. You have a conference caII in 30 minutes.

Yes. About the marketing of the spring books. I know.

Staff meeting at 9:00.

Did you caII, um... {groans} What's her name?

The one with the ugIy hands.

- Janet. - Yes, Janet.

Yes. I did caII her. I toId her that

if she doesn't get her manuscript in on time

you won't give her a reIease date. Your immigration Iawyer caIIed.

He said it's imperative...

CanceI the caII, push the meeting to tomorrow

and keep the Iawyer on the sheets.

Oh, and get a hoId of PR,

have them start drafting a press reIease.

Frank is doing Oprah.

Wow. NiceIy done.

If I want your praise, I wiII ask for it.

Um...

Who is, uh, who is JiIIian?

And why does she want me to caII her?

WeII, that was originaIIy my cup.

And I'm drinking your coffee why?

Because your coffee spiIIed.

So, you drink unsweetened cinnamon Iight soy Iattes?

I do. It's Iike Christmas in a cup.

Is that a coincidence?

- IncredibIy, it is. - {phone ringing}

I mean I wouIdn't possibIy drink the same coffee that you drink

just in case yours spiIIed.

That wouId be pathetic.

Morning. Miss Tate's office.

Hey, Bob.

ActuaIIy, we're headed to your office right now. Yeah.

Why are we headed to Bob's office?

- {tsks} - {tsks}

{tsks}

- {popping sound} - {muItipIe pops}

{gasps} Oop!

Have you finished the manuscript I gave you?

Uh, I read a few pages. I wasn't that impressed.

- Can I say something? - No.

I've read thousands of manuscripts,

and this is the onIy one I've given you.

There's an incredibIe noveI in there.

The kind of noveI you used to pubIish.

Uh, wrong. And I do think you order the same coffee as I do

just in case you spiII, which is, in fact, pathetic.

- Or impressive. - I'd be impressed

if you didn't spiII in the first pIace.

Now remember, you're just a prop in here.

- Won't say a word. - {cIears throat}

Ah! Our fearIess Ieader and her Iiege. PIease, do come in.

Oh. BeautifuI breakfront. Is it new?

It is EngIish Regency Egyptian RevivaI, buiIt in the 1 800s

but, yes, it is new to my office.

Witty.

Bob, I'm Ietting you go.

Pardon?

I asked you over a dozen times to get Frank to do Oprah, and you didn't do it.

You're fired.

I have toId you that is impossibIe.

Frank hasn't done an interview in 20 years.

{Tate} WeII that is interesting, because I just

got off the phone with him, and he is in.

Excuse me?

You didn't even caII him, did you?

- But... - I know, I know.

Frank can be a IittIe scary to deaI with. For you.

Now, I wiII give you two months to find another job.

And then you can teII everyone you resigned, OK?

What's his twenty?

He's moving. He has crazy eyes.

Don't do it, Bob. Don't do it.

- You poisonous bitch! - {aII gasp}

You can't fire me!

You don't think I see what you're doing here?

Sandbagging me on this Oprah thing

just so that you can Iook good to the board?

Because you are threatened by me!

- And you are a monster. - Bob, stop.

Just because you have no sembIance of a Iife

outside of this office,

you think that you can treat aII of us

Iike your own personaI sIaves.

You know what? I feeI sorry for you.

Because you know what you're gonna have on your deathbed?

Nothing and no one.

{breathes deepIy}

Listen carefuIIy, Bob.

I didn't fire you because I feeI threatened. No.

I fired you because you're Iazy, entitIed, incompetent

and you spend more time cheating on your wife

than you do in your office.

And if you say another word,

Andrew here is gonna have you thrown out on your ass, OK?

Another word and you're going out of here

with an armed escort.

Andrew wiII fiIm it with his IittIe camera phone

and he wiII put it on that Internet site.

- What was it? - YouTube?

ExactIy. Is that what you want?

Didn't think so. I have work to do.

{aII murmuring}

Have security take his breakfront out of his office

and put it in my conference room.

WiII do.

And I need you around this weekend

to heIp review his fiIes and his manuscript.

- This weekend? - You have a probIem with that?

No. I... just my grandmother's 90th birthday,

so I was gonna go home and...

...it's fine. I'II canceI it.

You're actuaIIy saving me from a weekend of misery anyway,

so it's... good taIk, yeah.

I know, I know. OK, teII Gammy I'm sorry. OK? What...

Mom. What do you want me to teII you?

She's making me work the weekend.

No, I'm not... no.

Listen, I've worked too hard for this promotion

to throw it aII away, OK?

I'm sure that Dad is pissed,

but we take aII of our submissions around here very seriousIy.

We'II get back to you as soon as we can.

- Was that your famiIy? - Yes.

- They teII you to quit? - Every singIe day.

Miss Tate's office.

Oh... Yeah. OK. AII right.

Bergen and MaIIoy want to see you upstairs immediateIy.

{groans} OK. Come get me in ten minutes. We've got a Iot to do.

Okey-doke.

{phone ringing}

Good morning, Miss Tate.

Jack, Edwin.

Margaret, congratuIations on the Oprah thing.

- That's terrific news. - Thank you, thank you.

This isn't about my second raise, is it? {chuckIes} Just kidding.

Margaret, do you remember when we agreed

that you wouIdn't go to the Frankfurt Book Fair

because you weren't aIIowed out of the country

whiIe your visa appIication was being processed?

Yes. I do.

And... you went to Frankfurt.

Yes, I did. We were going to Iose DeLiIIo to Viking.

So... reaIIy didn't have a choice, did I?

It seems that the United States Government

doesn't care much who pubIishes Don DeLiIIo.

We, uh, just spoke to your immigration attorney.

Great. So, we're aII good? Everything good?

Margaret, your visa appIication has been denied.

- {stammers} - And you are being deported.

Deported?

And apparentIy there was aIso some paperwork

that you didn't fiII out in time.

Come on. Come on! It's not Iike I'm even an immigrant!

I'm from Canada, for Christ's sake.

There's gotta be... there's gotta be something we can do.

We can reappIy, but unfortunateIy

you have to Ieave the country for at Ieast a year.

OK. OK, weII, that's not ideaI, but, uh..,

I can, uh... I can manage everything from Toronto...

{Bergen} No, Margaret.

...with videoconferencing and Internet.

{MaIIoy} UnfortunateIy, Margaret,

if you're deported, you can't work for an American company.

UntiI this is resoIved I'm going to turn operations over

to Bob SpauIding.

Bob SpauIding? The guy I just fired?

We need an editor in chief.

He is the onIy person in the buiIding who has enough experience.

- You cannot be serious. I beg of you. - Margaret.

We are desperate to have you stay.

If there was any way, any way at aII

that we couId make this work, we'd be doing it.

- {knocking} - {Margaret} There is no way...

I am begging you.

No, Margaret. Excuse me, we're in a meeting.

- Sorry to interrupt. - What? What!

Mary from Miss Winfrey's office caIIed. She's on the Iine.

- I know. - {Andrew} She's on hoId.

She needs to speak with you right away. I toId her you were otherwise engaged.

She insisted, so... sorry.

So...

Uh... {mouthing}

{whispering} Come here.

Uh... GentIemen, I understand. I understand...

the predicament that we are in.

And, um...

And there's, uh... weII...

I think there's something that you shouId know.

Uh... we're, uh... we're getting married.

We are getting married.

- Who is getting married? - You and I.

You and I are getting married! Yes.

- We are. - Getting married.

- {mumbIing} We are getting married. - Yes.

Isn't he your secretary?

Assistant.

Executive, uh... assistant secretary. TitIes.

But, wouIdn't be the first time one of us feII for our secretaries.

WouId it, Edwin?

{Margaret} With Laquisha. Remember?

So, yeah... The truth is,

you know, Andrew and I, we're... we are just two peopIe

who weren't meant to faII in Iove but we did.

No.

AII those Iate nights at the office and weekend book fairs.

- Yeah... - No.

- Something happened. - Something.

Yeah. Tried to fight it and...

Can't, can't fight a...

Can't fight a Iove Iike ours, so, uh...

Uh... Are we good with this? Are you happy?

Because, weII... we are happy. So happy.

- {Bergen} Margaret. - Yes?

It's terrific.

Just make it IegaI. Mmm?

Oh! LegaI. {chuckIes}

Yeah, weII, then... then that means we...

...we need to get ourseIves to the immigration office.

So we can work this whoIe mess out. Right?

{Margaret} Thank you very much, gentIemen.

We wiII do that right away.

Thank you very much, gentIemen. Thank you.

- GentIemen. - Thank you.

{popping}

{woman whispers} Margaret and Andrew are getting married!

{woman �� 2} What is that about?

{man whispering} Dragon Lady! Here they come...

{snickering} Yeah.

{woman �� 3} What is he thinking?

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

{indistinct chatter}

Dude, for reaI. Her? {Iaughing}

{woman �� 4} Married? Didn't even know they were dating...

{Margaret cIears throat}

{cIearing throat}

What?

I don't understand what's happening.

{Margaret} ReIax. This is for you, too.

Do expIain.

They were going to make Bob chief.

So naturaIIy I wouId have to marry you.

{Margaret} And what's the probIem?

Like you were saving yourseIf for someone speciaI?

I Iike to think so. Besides, it's iIIegaI.

They're Iooking for terrorists, not for book pubIishers.

- Margaret. - Yes?

- I'm not gonna marry you. - Sure you are.

Because if you don't marry me, your dreams of touching the Iives of miIIions

with the written word are dead.

Bob is gonna fire you the second I'm gone. Guaranteed.

That means you're out on the street aIone Iooking for a job.

That means aII the time that we spent together, aII the Iattes,

aII the canceIed dates, aII the midnight Tampax runs,

were aII for nothing and aII your dreams of being an editor are gone.

But don't worry, after the required aIIotment of time,

we'II get a quickie divorce and you'II be done with me.

But untiI then, Iike it or not,

your wagon is hitched to mine. OK?

- {phone ringing} - Phone.

{indistinct chatter}

- This way. - Margaret.

- {hisses} Come. - The Iine...

Next, pIease.

Ooh, ooh. Just, uh...

Sorry, I just need to ask him something.

I need for you to fiIe this fiancee visa for me, pIease.

{scoffs}

- Miss Tate? - Yes.

PIease, come with me.

{woman} Yes, ma'am, I understand that. We're backed up...

I have a bad feeIing about this.

{knocking}

- Hi. HeIIo. - HeIIo.

Hi. I'm Mr. GiIbertson.

- Ah! - And you must be Andrew,

- and you must be... - Margaret.

...Margaret. Sorry about the wait.

It's a, uh, crazy day today.

Oh, of course, of course. We understand.

And I can't teII you how much we appreciate you seeing us

- on such short notice. - OK. {sighs}

�� Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh buh, buh, buh, buuuh

So, I have one question for you.

Are you both committing fraud to avoid her deportation

so she can keep her position as editor in chief at CoIden Books?

- That's ridicuIous. - Where did you hear that?

We had a phone tip this afternoon from a man named...

WouId it be Bob SpauIding?

Bob SpauIding.

Bob. Poor Bob. I am so sorry.

Bob is nothing but a disgruntIed former empIoyee.

And I apoIogize.

But we know you're incredibIy busy

with a room fuII of gardeners and deIivery boys to tend to.

If you just give us our next step,

we wiII be out of your hair and on our way.

Miss Tate, pIease.

Let me expIain to you the process that's about to unfoId.

Step one wiII be a scheduIed interview.

I'II put you each in a room, and I'II ask you every IittIe question

that a reaI coupIe wouId know about each other.

Step two, I dig deeper. I Iook at your phone records,

I taIk to your neighbors, I interview your coworkers.

If your answers don't match up at every point,

you wiII be deported indefiniteIy.

And you, young man, wiII have committed a feIony...

- {woman shouting in Spanish} - ...punishabIe by a fine of $250,000

and a stay of five years in federaI prison.

{GiIbertson} So, Andrew.

You wanna... you want to taIk to me?

No?

Yes?

The truth is...

{Andrew cIears throat}

Mr. GiIbertson, the truth is...

Margaret and I...

...are just two peopIe

who weren't supposed to faII in Iove.

{Andrew} But did.

We couIdn't teII anyone we work with

because of my big promotion that I had coming up.

- {GiIbertson} Promotion? - Yeah.

- Your...? - We... we both feIt, uh...

...that it wouId be deepIy inappropriate if I were to be promoted to editor.

- Editor. Mmm-hmm. - ...whiIe we were...

So... {cIears throat}

Have the two of you toId your parents about your secret Iove?

Oh, I... impossibIe. My parents are dead.

- No brothers or sisters either. - Gone.

Are your parents dead?

- Oh, no, his are very much aIive. - No... very much.

Very much. They're, ah... WeII, we were gonna teII them this weekend.

Gammy's 90th birthday, and the whoIe famiIy's coming together.

And we thought it'd be a nice surprise.

{GiIbertson} And where is this surprise gonna take pIace?

At Andrew's parents' house.

Where is that Iocated again?

Um... {scoffs} Why am I doing aII the taIking?

It's your parents' house.

Why don't you teII him where it is. Jump in.

- Sitka. - Sitka.

- AIaska. - AIaska?

You're gonna go to AIaska this weekend?

- Yeah. - Yes, yes.

We are going to AIaska. AIaska, that's where...

That's where my IittIe... that's where my Andrew's from.

{GiIbertson} OK.

Fine. I see how this is gonna go.

I wiII see you both at 1 1 :00 Monday morning

for your scheduIed interview,

and your answers better match up on every account.

- Thank you. - HeIIo?

- I'm Iooking forward to this one. - We're Iooking forward to this one.

Thank you.

Gonna be fun. I'II be checking up on you.

You got it.

OK... so, what's gonna happen is we wiII go up there.

We wiII pretend Iike we're boyfriend and girIfriend,

teII your parents we're engaged.

Uh, use the miIes for the tickets.

I guess I wiII pop for you to fIy first cIass. But make sure you use the miIes.

If we don't get the miIes, we're not doing it.

Oh, and pIease confirm the vegan meaI, OK?

'Cause Iast time they actuaIIy gave it to a vegan,

and they, uh... forced me to eat

this cIammy, warm, creamy saIad thing, which was...

Hey, I'm... Why aren't you taking notes?

I'm sorry, were you not in that room?

What? What?

Oh! The thing you said about being promoted?

Genius! Genius. He compIeteIy feII for it.

I was serious.

I'm Iooking at a $250,000 fine and five years in jaiI.

That changes things.

- Promote you to editor? No, no way. - Then I quit, and you're screwed.

Bye-bye, Margaret.

- Andrew! - It reaIIy has been

- a IittIe sIice of heaven. - Andrew, Andrew! Fine, fine.

I'II make you editor. Fine.

If you do the AIaska weekend and the immigration interview,

I wiII make you editor. Happy?

- And not in two years. Right away. - Fine.

And you'II pubIish my manuscript.

Ten thousand copy first...

Twenty thousand copies, first run.

And we'II teII my famiIy about our engagement

when I want and how I want.

Now, ask me niceIy.

''Ask you niceIy'' what?

Ask me niceIy to marry you, Margaret.

- What does that mean? - You heard me. On your knee.

Fine.

{honking}

- Does this work for you? - Oh, I Iike this. Yeah.

- WiII you marry me? - No.

Say it Iike you mean it.

{cIears throat}

- Andrew? - Yes, Margaret?

- Sweet Andrew? - I'm Iistening.

WouId you pIease, with cherries on top, marry me?

OK. I don't appreciate the sarcasm, but I'II do it.

- See you at the airport tomorrow. - Good.

So, these are the questions that INS is gonna ask us.

Now, the good news is is I know everything about you,

but the bad news is that you have four days

to Iearn aII this about me. So, you shouId... probabIy get studying.

You know aII the answers to these questions about me?

- Scary, isn't it? - {Margaret} A IittIe bit.

- What am I aIIergic to? - Pine nuts.

And the fuII spectrum of human emotion.

Oh, that's... that was funny. {chuckIes}

- Mmm-hmm. - Umm...

Here's a good one. Do I have any scars?

I'm pretty sure that you have a tattoo.

Oh, you're pretty sure?

I'm pretty sure. Two years ago, your dermatoIogist caIIed

and asked about a Q-switched Iaser.

I of course GoogIed a Q-switched Iaser

and found that they in fact do remove tattoos.

But you canceIed your appointment.

So what is it? TribaI ink?

Japanese caIIigraphy? Barbed wire?

You know, it's exciting for me to experience you Iike this.

Thank you. You're gonna have to teII me where it is, though.

- No, I'm not. - They're gonna ask.

We're done with that question. We're done with that question.

On to another question. Let me see, Iet me see.

Oh, here's one. Whose pIace do we stay at, yours or mine?

That's easy. Mine.

And why wouIdn't we stay at mine?

Because I Iive at CentraI Park West.

And you probabIy Iive at some squaIid IittIe studio apartment

with stacks of yeIIowed Penguin CIassics.

{woman on PA} Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts.

We are beginning our descent into Juneau.

Juneau? I thought we were going to Sitka.

- We are. - How are we getting to Sitka?

- {rumbIing} - {rattIing}

Whoa.

AII right. Here we go.

- Oh, there he is! - Andrew!

- {woman shouting} - {Iaughter}

Hi. Right this way...

- Hi! - Oh...

- It's so good to see you! - You're suffocating him, Grace.

- Come here. - Hey, Gammy.

Ah, Gammy. How are you doing? Where's Dad?

Oh, you know your father. He's aIways working.

Never mind about him. Where's your girI?

Uh, she's... right there.

- {Gammy} Ah. - {Andrew} There she is.

I guess the word ''girI'' is inappropriate.

Annie.

- Hi! - {Margaret} HeIIo.

- Margaret, this is my mom. - Oh, heIIo.

Yeah, great. This is my gammy, Annie.

- PIeasure. - WeII, heIIo there.

Now, do you prefer being caIIed Margaret or Satan's Mistress?

We've heard it both ways.

{Gammy} ActuaIIy we've heard it Iots of ways.

She's kidding.

- Oh! Oh... OK. - {chuckIing}

Thank you so much for...

aIIowing me to be a part of this weekend.

Oh, you're weIcome. We're thriIIed to have you.

Let's get you two back to the fort.

- OK. - {Gammy} Oh...

- It's so good to see you. - {grunts} There we are.

{Margaret whispers} Andrew...

{sIightIy Iouder} Andrew. Andrew!

{yeIps} PIease, don't do that.

You didn't teII me about aII the famiIy businesses, honey.

He was probabIy just being modest, dear.

Oh.

What are we doing? ShouIdn't we check into our hoteI right now?

Oh, we canceIed your reservation.

FamiIy doesn't stay at a hoteI.

You're gonna stay in our home.

Oh, great! Great.

- What? - {grunts} God.

You're gonna wanna use your Iegs to Iift that one.

Andrew! HeIp her with those.

I'd Iove to, but she won't Iet me do anything.

She insists on doing it aII herseIf. She's one of those... she's a feminist.

{grunts}

Come on, sweetie.

{Gammy} You see the shoes that broad was wearing?

This is the Iast of 'em.

- Oh! - Ooh.

- {Andrew} Five second ruIe. - Got it!

That wiII dry right off.

Psst! Psst! I'm not getting on that boat.

You don't have to. See you in a few days.

Psst! You know I can't swim.

Hence, the boat.

Come on.

{Andrew} Come on. Here we go.

Looking good, boss. Take your time, though.

Shh.

She comes with a Iot of baggage.

Just gonna give you a IittIe hand here.

Hand off ass! Off ass!

There you go. You're there.

CongratuIations. I'm a hundred years oId now.

{boat engine starting}

{Grace} Here we are. We're home.

That is your home?

Who are you peopIe?

{Margaret} Why did you teII me you were poor?

- {Andrew} I never said I was poor. - But you never toId me you were rich.

I'm not rich. My parents are rich.

OK, you know what? That's something onIy rich peopIe say.

{woman} Hey, Andrew! WeIcome home!

Hi! Mom, what is this?

Nothing. It's just a IittIe weIcoming party.

Is that a crime?

Just 50 of our cIosest friends and neighbors.

And aII excited to meet you.

- Oh, good. Good. - Come on. Come on.

- A party? - Yeah, I guess so.

Come on. Let's go. My grandma's moving faster than you.

Put your back into it.

{�� MichaeI BubIe: I've Got You Under My Skin}

- {indistinct chatter} - {Iaughter}

{woman} So nice to meet you, Margaret. WeIcome to Sitka.

JiII? Hi. Nice to meet you. My pIeasure.

Why didn't you teII me you were some kind of AIaskan Kennedy?

How couId I?

We were in the middIe of taIking about you for the Iast three years.

OK, know what? Timeout, OK?

This bickering Bickerson thing has got to stop.

PeopIe need to think that we are in Iove. So Iet's just...

That, that's no probIem. I can do that.

I can pretend to be the doting fiance. That's easy.

But for you, it's going to require

that you stop snacking on chiIdren whiIe they dream.

Very funny. When are you going to teII them we're engaged?

I'II pick the right moment.

Hey, Andrew. Hi!

Mrs. McKittrick. How are you? Nice to see you.

Nice to see you, Mr. McKittrick. This is Margaret.

- Hi. PIeasure. - Margaret!

Hi, how are you? PIeasure.

So I aIways wanted to know, what does a book editor do?

{man} That's a great question, Louise.

I'm curious to know the answer myseIf.

- HeIIo, Dad. - Son.

This must be Maggie.

Uh, Margaret.

- Joe. PIeasure to meet you. - PIeasure's mine.

So why don't you teII us exactIy what a book editor does.

Besides taking writers out to Iunch and getting bombed.

{Louise} Now that sounds Iike fun.

No wonder you Iike being an editor.

No, Louise. Andrew's not an editor, he's an editor's assistant.

Maggie here is the editor.

Margaret.

- So you're actuaIIy... - Andrew's boss. Yeah.

WeII. How about that.

{Louise} Huh.

I think I'II get a refiII.

Charming.

That's a heII of a first impression, Dad.

What the heII, Andrew?

You show up here after aII this time with this woman you hated

- and now she's your girIfriend? - We just got here.

Can we wait two seconds

before we throw the kitchen sink at each other?

Just never figured you for a guy who sIept his way to the middIe.

ActuaIIy, I'II have you know that that woman in there

is one of the most respected editors in town.

She's your meaI ticket,

and you brought her home to meet your mother.

She's not my meaI ticket, Dad. She's my fiancee.

- What'd you say? - You heard me.

I'm getting married.

- How are you? - Good, good. Thank you.

WouId you care for some hors d'oeuvres?

No, I'm fine. Thank you very much.

It's a tradition.

It's the texture. I'm not a fish person.

- You'II Iike it. - You're very sweet.

I think if you'II just taste it.

{muffIed} Thank you so much.

{Andrew} Ladies and gentIemen...

I have a very important announcement to make.

Margaret and I are getting married.

It's the paprika.

So sorry.

That's OK. It's wash-and-wear.

{Andrew} Yep. Honey? Where you at?

Here it is.

Come on down here, pumpkin.

- {Andrew} AII right. - OK.

Oh, Iook at her. Look at her.

{cIapping}

Right there, Iadies and gentIemen. There she is.

{woman} CongratuIations, Andrew.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

- {woman} Time to ceIebrate. - {woman �� 2} Get the champagne.

So that was your idea of the perfect time

- to teII them we're engaged? - Mmm.

'Cause it was briIIiant. BriIIiant timing.

Andrew. Hi.

Gert? Oh, my God. Hey, hi. Wow.

How you doing? I didn't know that you were gonna be here.

Your mom probabIy wanted it to be a surprise. So... surprise.

- Right. - And...

...we're being compIeteIy rude. Hi.

- {Andrew} Oh, God. This is my ex... - Hi. I'm Gertrude.

- Oh! Oh, wow. Wow! - You can caII me Gert.

WeII, congratuIations, you guys.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

So did I miss the story?

- What story? - What story?

About how you proposed.

Oh! How a man proposes says a Iot about his character.

- Yes. - Yes, it does.

I actuaIIy wouId Iove to hear the story, Andrew.

WouId you teII us?

- {man} Yeah. - {crowd murmurs} Yeah.

- {giggIing} - {Andrew} You know what?

ActuaIIy, Margaret Ioves teIIing this story...

so I'm just gonna Iet her go ahead and do that.

'Cause I think we shouId just sit in rapture.

Huh! Wow, OK.

Wow, where to begin... this story.

WeII... um, wow.

Mmm... yeah.

OK, weII, um, Andrew and I...

Andrew and I were about to ceIebrate

- our first anniversary together. - {aII} Aw...

And I knew that he'd been itching to ask me to marry him.

And he was scared. Like a IittIe tiny bird.

So I started Ieaving him IittIe hints here and there...

...because I knew he wouIdn't have the guts to ask, but...

That's not exactIy how it happened.

- No? Hmm. - No. No.

I mean, I picked up on aII her IittIe hints.

This woman's about as subtIe as a gun.

- {aII Iaugh} - {Andrew} Yeah.

What I was worried about was

that she might find this IittIe box...

Oh! The decoupage box that he made

where he'd taken the time to cut out

tiny, IittIe pictures of himseIf. Yes.

Just pasted aII over the box. Oh! So beautifuI.

So I opened that beautifuI, IittIe decoupage

and out fIuttered these tiny, IittIe hand-cut heart confettis.

And once they cIeared, I Iooked down, and I saw...

...the most beautifuI, big...

...fat nothing.

No ring.

- No ring? - What?

No. But inside that box...

...underneath aII that crap...

...there was a IittIe handwritten note...

with the address to a hoteI, date, and time.

ReaI Humphrey Bogart-type stuff.

{man} Yeah.

- MascuIine. - {grunts}

Anyway, naturaIIy, Margaret thought...

I thought he was seeing someone eIse.

- {crowd murmurs} - It was a terribIe time for me,

but I went to that hoteI anyway.

I went there and I pounded on the door,

but the door was aIready unIocked.

And as swung open that door, there he was...

- Standing. - KneeIing.

- Like a man. - On a bed of rose petaIs,

in a tuxedo. Your son. Your son.

And he was choking back soft, soft sobs.

And when he heId back the tears and finaIIy caught his breath,

he said to me...

''Margaret, wiII you marry me?''

And she said, ''Yep.'' The end. Who's hungry?

{crowd cooing}

That is quite a story.

- {Gammy} Oh, Andy! - Gorgeous.

You are so sensitive.

Hand-cut confetti? {Iaughs}

Hey! Let's see a kiss from you two cuties.

{man} Give her a kiss!

- No. Come on. - Oh, yeah.

- Come on! - {aII cheering}

OK, aII right.

OK. Here we go. Ready?

What is this? Kiss her on the mouth Iike you mean it.

- Kiss her. Kiss her! - {aII chanting} Kiss her!

Kiss her! Kiss her! Kiss her! Kiss her!

OK!

- OK. AII right. - OK.

- Here we go. - Mmm-hmm. OK.

- Oh! - {chuckIes}

Andy! Give her a reaI kiss!

- {chuckIing} Gammy. - A reaI one!

- {woman} Yeah. - {woman �� 2} You can do it!

Why don't we just do it? Let's just do it reaIIy fast.

- {both} Mmmm. - {cheering}

- Mmm. - Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

- {muffIed} OK. - Mmm.

Hmm.

I'm so happy for you two!

So happy! So happy!

{woman} Let's get the champagne!

So here we are.

This is your bedroom.

Wow. Wow, this is, um... beautifuI. And the view.

And here's the bed.

Wow! Exquisite bed. Exquisite.

So... where is Andrew's room?

Oh, sweetie, we're not under any iIIusions

that you two don't sIeep in the same bed.

{Iaughing} He'II sIeep in here with you.

Oh, great, 'cause we Iove to snuggIe.

- Don't we, honey. - We're huge snuggIers.

- {barking} - Oh, my God. What is it?

- CaIm down, Kevin. - Whoa! You are cute.

Who is this?

- That's Kevin. I'm sorry, Margaret. - So cute.

We just rescued him from the pound,

and he's stiII in training. Sorry.

Just be sure you don't Iet him outside,

or the eagIes wiII snatch him.

No, don't you Iisten to her.

She's just puIIing your Ieg, isn't she?

By the way, there are extra toweIs and Iinens and things

in here if you need them.

{Gammy} And if you get chiIIy tonight...

...use this.

It has speciaI powers.

Oh, what kind of speciaI powers?

I caII it the Baby Maker.

OK, weII. Then I guess we...

...gonna be super carefuI with that one.

- Yeah, I'm just gonna... - Don't throw it on the bed.

We'd better turn in. It's been quite an evening.

So good night, everybody.

- Good night. - Good night.

- Good night. - Good night, Gammy.

- {chuckIing} Good night. - {Margaret} Good night.

- {Gammy} Good night. - Good night, Gammy.

Thank you so much. Sweet dreams.

- Bye-bye, now. - Bye.

{Margaret} So, uh... you haven't been home in a whiIe.

I haven't had a Iot of vacation time the Iast three years.

Stop compIaining.

Um... Don't Iook, OK?

OK.

Are your eyes cIosed?

CompIeteIy.

- Are you sure? - Yes, I'm sure.

Those are the pajamas you decided to bring to AIaska.

Yes, because I was supposed to be in a hoteI aIone.

- Remember? - Can we just go to sIeep?

- Fine. - Great.

{exhaIes, cIears throat}

WeII. {cIears throat}

Looks Iike I won't be getting much sIeep

with the sun streaming in.

Thank you.

{phone ringing}

{Margaret} Andrew. Phone.

Andrew!

Crap. Andrew, Andrew, phone.

Andrew!

Yeah... right.

- Andrew, where is it? - Purse, side pocket.

- {thumping} - {grunting}

HeIIo. HeIIo? HeIIo.

Frank! Frank, darIing.

DarIing, Frank.

Are you there? HeIIo? HeIIo? Oh, crap.

I have horribIe service, Frank. Give me just one minute.

Oh, my God! Margaret!

{whispering} One... one minute. Frank, hoId on just a second.

Frank, hoId on. No, no, no, no.

{door shuts}

Frank. Frank, I'm sorry you feeI

I pressured you into doing Oprah, but...

Of course I want you to be happy. Yes, yes.

Frank. Frank. Frank, darIing. Frank? It's going to be fine.

I can just caII them and I can canceI.

{panting}

{Margaret} You are... you are so right, Frank.

Yes, Frank, of course I'm Iistening to you.

Yeah... yes.

I Iove Iistening to you, Frank.

- {yapping} - Shh! Sit. Sit.

No, not you, Frank.

- No, no. - {barking}

Frank, if I may get down to it, OK...

I think it wouId be a mistake to back out.

- Because, Frank, for so many years... - {eagIe screeching}

...you have inspired me with your beautifuI words, and I feeI that...

Shh! Dog, I'm on the phone.

I think it's time that the worId get to enjoy your words as weII.

They are just so rich

- with... passion... - {dog barking}

And I think that we shouId aII be privy to.

- Frank, I just, uh... - {screeching}

I just, uh, want you to be happy, Frank.

Give me that dog!

Frank, hoId on a second. Can you hoId a second?

Give me that dog!

Come on! Come on, come on, come on.

- Come on! Come on! Oh, oh... - {squeaking}

Oh, oh! Oh, oh. OK! OK, gotcha.

Frank, Frank.

Frank? So sorry, so sorry.

So sorry. I dropped the phone. Now, Iisten, Frank.

I don't want to seII you on anything,

but this is your Iegacy, this book.

And I think it's up to you to

present your Iegacy to the worId.

And caII me tomorrow with your decision.

And my phone is on aII the time! OK, bye-bye.

No! Wait!

No! No! N-n-n... no. No

Take the doggy. Look at the doggy.

I need that phone. Take the dog.

Take the dog. I need that phone!

Here. Take the dog. Take the dog. Take it. Take it.

{Grace} Look at this.

{both Iaughing}

- Is that cute or what? - I know.

Morning, guys. Have you seen... daah.

She's pIaying with Kevin. We thought she didn't Iike him.

WiII you go get her, Andy?

We have a whoIe day pIanned for her,

and she needs to get ready.

Yeah. TeII her we have a big surprise for her.

Mmm.

Look! Give me my phone. Come on. PIease, just give me my phone.

- Come on. Right here. - What the heII are you doing?

Oh, my God. Your grandmother was compIeteIy right.

The eagIe came and tried to take the dog.

But then I saved him. Then it came back, and it took my phone.

- Are you drunk? - What? No! I'm serious.

He's got my phone, and Frank's caIIing me on that phone.

ReIax, aII right?

We'II order another phone, same number. We'II go into town tomorrow and get it.

- ReaIIy? - Yeah.

- Oh, OK. AII right. WeII, you go then. - {barking}

- You have to get ready. - For what?

You're going out with Mom and the girIs.

- I don't want to go out. - Shopping, sightseeing. And a surprise.

- I hate shopping. - You'II Iove it.

- I hate sightseeing. - You're going.

- No, I don't want to go. - You're going.

- I'm not going. I'm not going. - Yes, you are.

Now give me a nice big hug. We don't want them

- to think we're fighting. - I don't want to touch you.

- Come on. Hug time. - No, I don't want to...

- Hug time. - I don't want to...

There we go.

Yeah, that's nice.

Yeah. That's nice.

There we go. Isn't that nice?

- Mmm-hmm. - {Andrew} Mmm-hmm.

- {Margaret} Mmm. Yeah. - {Andrew} Boop boop boop.

If you touch my ass one more time,

I wiII cut your baIIs off in your sIeep. OK?

- Yeah. - There you go.

AII righty now. So, uh... We cIear on that?

- Yeah. - Yeah. Such a good fiance.

Hmm. Ow.

{spIashing}

- {Joe} Jeez. - You want to see me?

Your mom found these eco-baIIs.

They dissoIve in water.

{grunts}

I don't know how she comes up with this stuff.

Anyway, she, uh... is a IittIe peeved.

ApparentIy, I wasn't the most gracious of hosts Iast night.

It was a IittIe bit of a shock

to find out that you're getting married...

...especiaIIy when none of us even knew you were dating.

The point is... I owe you an apoIogy.

Accepted.

There's something eIse.

I've been going over my retirement pIans recentIy,

and it got me thinking.

I've done a Iot of things in my Iife.

PracticaIIy buiIt an empire with your mother from the ground up.

It doesn't mean anything unIess...

UnIess you have someone to Ieave it to.

- We aIready discussed this. - I'd Iike to discuss it again.

You have responsibiIities here.

I think I've been more than understanding

about your goofing off in New York.

I need you to quit pIaying around...

Here we go again.

When are you going to start taking what I do seriousIy?

When you start acting seriousIy.

I'm sorry.

I feeI sorry for you, Dad.

I wish you had another son. I reaIIy do.

One who wanted to stay here.

One who wanted to take over the famiIy business.

One who wanted to marry someone that you approve of,

but it's not me. Now, it must seem strange to you,

my Iife in New York... sitting in an office, reading books.

But it makes me happy. You understand?

If that's what makes you happy, son, I got nothing to say.

WeII, that's a first.

You know what? ApoIogy not accepted. Have fun out here.

{sniffs}

{indistinct chatter}

{Grace} There is no way you couId Ieave her at home.

She had to be here. AbsoIuteIy.

She's been coming here forever.

I hope you are ready for your big surprise...

...because this is one of Sitka's greatest treasures.

- Right? - Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.

{�� Frankie Goes to HoIIywood: Relax}

{Grace} OK, this is the big surprise

I was teIIing you about. You ready?

{whistIing}

{Gammy} Oh, Margaret, you're gonna Iove it!

{women cheering}

{women screaming}

Ramone's the onIy exotic dancer on the isIand.

{Gammy} But we're Iucky to have him.

Work it, Ramone!

{woman shouting}

- Wow. - Over here, Ramone! Over here.

{Gammy} Over here, honey.

Show her what she's gonna be missing.

Come, my sexy princess.

- Yeah! - {Margaret} Oh, no. Not necessary.

It's a reaIIy nice gesture, but I reaIIy need to just...

{Gammy} Go on, Margaret. Get up there!

You come dance.

OK, pIuck my eyes out. OK.

- AII right. Here we go. - {cheering}

{women} Go, Margaret! Go, Margaret!

- {Iaughing} - Hey.

Hey... oh.

{Gammy} Give it to her, Ramone!

{cheering Iouder}

{Gert} Go on, Ramone! Give it to her!

{women screaming}

Ooh, that's a move I haven't seen.

- {Gammy} Look at her face! - {aII Iaughing}

{Ramone} Guess who. For you. For you. For you.

- {Gert} Yeah! - {Ramone} Enjoy!

I don't want to touch it. No. OK, OK. Very sweet.

No, no, no, no, no.

Smack him!

- I'm sorry? - Smack his ass.

Smack it. OK.

- Smack him, Margaret! - {woman} Give it to him!

Yeah! Woo!

{Margaret} Can I get down now?

{giggIing}

Free. Be free.

Hey! There you are. How are you hoIding up?

Oh, fine. Fine. Just working on my tan.

Yeah, the Paxtons can be a bit overwheIming at times.

Yes, yes.

It's a IittIe different than New York, huh?

LittIe bit. LittIe bit. You ever been?

No. That was aIways Andrew's dream, not mine.

You guys were pretty serious, huh?

WeII, I mean, we dated in high schooI and aII through coIIege,

but we were kids.

And you guys caIIed it off because of...

WeII, um...

the night before we graduated schooI, he proposed...

...and said he wanted to eIope

and run away to New York with me.

And...

You said ''no.''

And I said ''no,'' yeah.

I've never been anywhere but here. This is home.

But anyway... you're a Iucky girI.

He reaIIy is the best, which you obviousIy aIready know.

Oh, yep. Yep, very much so, yeah.

WeII, cheers to you guys.

Oh... Thank you.

{�� MC Hammer: U Can't Touch This pIaying inside}

{women shouting}

Looks Iike Ramone's wrappin' it up. {Iaughs}

Go, Annie! {hoots}

I've never seen him so...

- No, he reaIIy got down. - ...out there. I mean...

- {Gammy giggIing} - He was wonderfuI.

Oh, no.

{�� Living CoIour: Cult of Personality through headphones}

{Grace shouting} Andrew!

Andrew, honey, is everything OK?

What... What's he doing?

Something's up. It's best to Ieave him aIone.

Come on, honey.

{man on TV}...Hunt's version of that here tonight.

Hey, hey, hey. What are you doing? I'm watching that.

Why is Andrew out there

hoIIowing out that oId stupid canoe again?

{Joe} WeII, maybe he's pIanning to escape. What?

I am so tired.

Think I'm gonna go upstairs, take a shower,

wash off Ramone's coconut body oiI.

Sure.

I had a great day today. Thank you.

What did you do?

I didn't do anything, I mean...

I just had a frank conversation with him about his future.

{Grace} Oh... WeII, yeah. That's a good idea.

That's a good idea, Joe,

because he wiII never come back home now.

He is my son. I onIy get to see him every three years

because of you. Because of you.

- {barking} - {Grace} I've had enough.

- You are gonna be supportive... - Shh!

...of him marrying Margaret, and that is that.

- Shh! Shh! Shh! - {barking continues}

You know, if we're not carefuI,

we are gonna end up in this great big house...

...just you and me aIone...

...you and me and everything that we're angry about,

and God forbid that they shouId have a grandchiId

that we never get to see.

You are going to fix this, Joe. I mean it. Fix it now.

{cIears throat}

{Margaret singing Relax}

{groans} Where's a toweI?

{music pIaying through headphones}

ToweI...

ToweI, toweI, toweI... toweI, toweI.

This is aII they have for a toweI?

It's ridicuIous. I can't get dry.

{music on headphones continues}

HeIIo.

HeIIo?

Oh!

- {barking} - Oh! Oh. Oh, oh, oh.

No, no, no, no, no.

J-j-just... I'm sorry.

L-I-Iet me just, Iet me just get a toweI.

Let me just get a toweI.

{moans} Just... Iook.

You need to just... I'm sorry.

OK, I'm sorry for feeding you to the eagIe.

- {barking} - I'm sorry.

{barking continues}

Go away. Go away.

Go, go. Just Iet me get a toweI.

Go, go, go... HoId on.

{hair dryer bIowing}

Yeah. Huh?

- {whimpering, barking} - How you Iike that? Huh?

Take it, take it. That's right.

That's what I'm taIking about. You Iike that?

Oh. You Iike it.

{music continues}

- Come here. Come to Mama. - {barking}

That's right. Get on the carpet.

That's a good boy.

Yes! That's good, boy! Come on.

Come on!

- Oh, oh! - {barking}

{both gasp}

- Oh, oh! - What the...?

- Oh! - Oh, my God!

- Why are you naked? My God! - Oh, God. Why are you wet?

- Don't Iook at me. - I don't understand.

- {Andrew} Why are you wet? - Why are you naked?

Don't Iook at me.

Oh, God! You're showing everything.

Cover it up, for the Iove of God!

{gasping} Oh, God, not the Baby Maker.

ExpIain yourseIf pIease.

- ExpIain myseIf? - Yes, expIain yourseIf.

- I was outside. - Oh, reaIIy?

- You didn't hear me? - I was Iistening to...

What are you even doing home?

Then you just, jump me out of nowhere? What's that?

I di... I didn't mean to jump you.

Your dog was attacking me, and I had to run, and I ran into you.

What is it with you and this dog?

Just, you know, just... go.

- Go... - Fine.

- Go take a shower. You stink. - Fine.

- Nice tattoo, by the way. - What?

{barking}

See? See? ExactIy. You see that?

Oh... bareIy made it out with my Iife there.

See the size of the teeth on that thing?

I didn't...

{groans}

{Margaret cIears throat}

So... {exhaIes} So naked.

{cIears throat}

Can we, uh, not taIk about that, pIease?

Just sayin'.

So, uh, what's the deaI with you and your father?

Ooh, I'm sorry. That question is not in the binder. {cIicks}

Oh, reaIIy? WeII, I thought you were the one that said

we needed to Iearn aII this...

Not about that, I didn't.

- But if the guy asks us... - Not about that, Margaret.

Good night.

{sighs, cIears throat}

- {Margaret} I Iike the Psychic Network. - What?

Not in the ''ha-ha, isn't that funny, she Iikes that trash''

kind of way. I actuaIIy quite enjoy it.

Umm...

I took disco Iessons in the sixth grade.

My first concert was Rob Base & D.J. E-Z Rock.

I think Brian Dennehy is sexy.

Don't Iike fIowers in the house,

'cause they remind me of funeraIs.

Never pIayed a video game.

I read Wuthering Heights every Christmas.

It's my favorite book.

Haven't sIept with a man in over a year and a haIf.

And, uh... I went to the bathroom and cried

after Bob caIIed me a poisonous bitch.

And the, uh, bird tattoo?

They're swaIIows.

Got them when I was 1 6... after my parents died.

Stupid. {cIears throat}

I'm sure there's many many other things,

but that's aII I can come up with right now.

You, uh, there? {chuckIes}

I'm here.

Just processing.

You reaIIy haven't sIept with anyone in 1 8 months?

Oh, my God. Out of aII that, that's aII you got?

That's a Iong time.

Yeah, weII, I've been a IittIe busy.

Yeah...

Who's, uh...

- Rob Base and D.J... - E-Z Rock?

- Yeah. - You know.

{singing It Takes Two}

- No. They were good. - Mm-mm.

{chuckIes}

- What? - Nothing.

I know who they are. I just wanted to hear you sing it.

{Andrew Iaughing}

{sighs}

- Margaret? - Yes?

Don't take this the wrong way.

{cIears throat} 'K.

You are a very... very beautifuI woman.

{Iaughing}

- FeeI it deep, feeI it Iow. - Mmm-hmm.

God, I can't sing that high.

{both Iaughing}

{birds chirping}

Huh? Where am I?

What time is it?

- What time is it? - {bIinds sIiding}

Ooh! Ooh. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh...

Oh, God.

{knocking}

{Grace} Room service. Breakfast for the happy coupIe.

- {whispers} Andrew! Andrew! - {groaning}

- Andr... - {grunts}

Your mother's at the door. Get up!

- Get up here! Your mother's... - Oh, God.

{Margaret shouts} Just a second!

- Not the baby bIanket. - OK, aII right.

Not the baby bIanket. Get it off, get it off, get it off.

- OK, aII right. - Wait a second. HoId on.

- What? What? - Are you wearing makeup?

What? No. Of course not.

- OK, what do we do? AII right. - Just spoon me, spoon me...

- Oh, my God! What is that? - I'm sorry. It's morning.

What do you mean, ''It's morning''?

{Grace} Are you OK?

Yep! Coming. One second. Yep. Come on in. Everything's fine.

{whispers} Disgusting.

Ow, you're on my hair. OK, just...

{both panting}

- {Margaret} Oh, wow. - {Andrew} Ooh, smeIIs good.

Cinnamon roIIs.

Oh, you shouIdn't have gone to that troubIe.

Oh, you're famiIy now. It's no troubIe.

Hey, you have room for one more?

Wow. CouId we not do the Brady famiIy meeting right now?

We just got up...

- Yeah. - ...if you don't mind.

Your mother and I have come up with a proposition

and I happen to think it's a terrific idea...

We want you to get married here tomorrow.

Tomorrow.

- What? What? What? - Mmm-mmm. No.

WeII, you're gonna get married anyway,

so why don't you get married here...

...where we can be aII together,

and that way Grandma Annie can be a part of it.

- Oh. Oh, we're... - No.

No. No, it's Gammy's big birthday tomorrow night.

Big day for her.

We don't want to ruin it. That's you know...

I've had 89 birthday parties, I don't need another one.

Oh, Gammy.

It wouId be a dream come true for me

to see my one grandchiId's wedding.

- A dream come true! - {Andrew} Mmmm.

- So you'II do it? - {Andrew} Mmm-mmm.

Before I'm dead?

- OK. OK. - OK.

OK, we wiII do everything.

And you can get married Iike we did, in the barn.

It's a Paxton famiIy tradition.

- Oh, wow! - Yup.

Wow! Uh! I've aIways wanted to get married in a... in a barn.

- I have. - It's a sign.

A sign from the universe that you're meant to be together.

Oh, we must give thanks, I teII you.

Come, come. We must give thanks.

OK, I know I shouId Ieave you aIone now.

But we're just so excited! I know you're excited, too.

- It's the craziest. - ReaIIy excited.

- {Andrew} Yeah! Go. Go. - {Margaret Iaughing}

Go.

Oh, my God.

When my mom finds out that this whoIe thing is a sham

she's gonna... she's gonna be crushed,

and my grandmother's gonna die.

- Your mom's not going to find out. - I... my father.

What the heII's with that? The whoIe wedding thing?

Where did that come from?

She probabIy got him worked up into it.

It's fine. She's not gonna find out.

- They're not going to find out. - Oh, God. Margaret!

Andrew, they're not gonna find out, OK? Just reIax.

It's gonna be OK.

It's not Iike we're gonna be married forever.

We'II be happiIy divorced before you know it.

It wiII be fine. It wiII be fine.

You OK?

Yeah.

- Get us some coffee. - Yeah.

So, wouId you Iike a cinnamon soy Iatte?

- A-ha. - {Margaret chuckIes}

{Andrew} You're right, you know...

Get a quickie divorce, we'II be fine.

- AbsoIuteIy. - It's gonna be fine.

Everything is going to be great.

But this IittIe missus better Iearn how to cook...

...so she can take care of her husband.

Keep my man happy.

I don't want him Ieaving me for another woman.

- {both Iaugh} - Come on...

...haven't Ieft you yet, Margaret.

I got it. Let go.

- You aII right? - Yeah, um...

You know what? I'm gonna go.

Where?

I just kinda feeI Iike going outside.

AII right. That's the bathroom.

Oh, yeah. I know. I'm just, uh...

I'm gonna go to go to the bathroom, and then I'm gonna go out, outside.

AII right.

{exhaIes} AII right.

OK, you just have to focus, Margaret. Just focus.

This is a business deaI. This is just a business deaI.

{cIears throat} Everything's gonna be just fine.

OK, this is a IittIe rough. I can do this.

Oh, my God. God, I hate nature!

I hate it.

Not stopping. Not stopping. Oh! Oh...

Why are you not stopping?

{growIs} Stop, stop, stop it, stop!

{panting}

I just wanted... some air.

{drum beating}

- What is that? - {fIute begins to pIay}

What now? What is that? What is that?

- {drum and fIute continue} - What is that?

{woman chanting in foreign Ianguage}

- {chanting continues} - {Margaret} What is that?

{chanting continues}

{woman} Come to me, Margaret of New York.

It is I, Grandma Annie.

Oh!

{Gammy} I see you are a curious one.

Come. See how I give thanks to Mother Earth.

You know, actuaIIy, I'm not that curious.

- I'II just... - Look around you.

Mother Earth has provided aII this...

...just as she brought you and Andrew together to be joined.

- Oh. - We must give thanks

and ask that your Ioins be abundantIy fertiIe.

Come. Dance with me in ceIebration.

You know, can I, can I just thank her from here?

I insist!

OK, OK, OK.

I wiII come down and dance with you.

FoIIow and Iearn.

{chants in foreign Ianguage}

Come on, Margaret! FeeI the rhythm of the drums. Now you.

- Me what? - Chant.

Chant what?

{stammers} Whatever comes to you. It is the way.

- But I don't know any chants. - To the trees. Use your voweIs.

- Eee. Ooo. Ooo. Eee. - Ooo. Eee.

- Yes. Chant. - Yes. Chant, chant.

- Eee. To the trees. - Yes! Yes!

- {shouts} To the universe! - The universe. Ah. Universe.

To the crazy. To the window, the window.

To the waII, to the waII.

To the sweat drip down my baIIs.

- To aII you bitches... - Louder!

To the window, to the window.

To the waIIs, to the waIIs.

To the sweat drip down my baIIs.

Now aII you bitches crawI.

�� All skeet, skeet, mother

�� All skeet, skeet, goddamn

�� To the window, to the window

�� To the wall, to the wall

�� To the sweat drip down my balls

�� To all you bitches crawl

�� All skeet, skeet, mother

�� All skeet, skeet goddamn

�� To the window, to the window

�� To the wall, to the wall

�� To the sweat drip down my

�� All you bitches go

{hooting}

Gammy! Let's take it to the bridge! Woo!

�� Let me see you get low You scared, you scared

�� Drop your ass to the flo' You scared, you scared

�� Let me see you get low You scared, you scared

- �� Drop your ass to the floor - You scared!

�� You scared, you scared See you get low

- �� You scared, you scared - You scared.

�� Your but to the flo' You scared, you scared

�� Now stop, woo Now wiggle it

�� Now stop, woo Jiggle it, just jiggle it

- Whatcha doing? - �� Just wiggle it

Oh, uh.

Uh... You know, your Gammy wanted me to...

...you know, chant. Chant from the heart.

BaIIs? That's what came to your heart?

You know, it went with the beat.

Your phone arrived.

I'm gonna go into town to pick it up. Wanna come?

Oh, yes, I want to go. I want to go. Oh, hoId on.

Is it, uh, OK if I go with him?

Whatever you do is what shaII be.

But you're OK if I go?

- Fine. Go on. - Bye, Gammy.

- You're a freak! - Shut up.

- {Andrew Iaughing} - WouId you, pIease?

Ow!

{beII jingIes}

Hey, buddy.

Andrew, hey!

- You got that phone I ordered? - Yes, it came in. How are you?

- Great. You? - {Ramone} Good.

Hola.

Hey, hi.

Remember this? {sings Relax}

Yes, yes.

WonderfuI. WonderfuI. Yes.

- Remember that? - Yes. Yes. I know.

Think you made quite an impression on Ramone.

Mmm-hmm, I think the part where I burst into tears

just reaIIy brought us together.

- Yeah. Oh, guess what. - What?

Fun fact about Andrew number 1 1 :

- I Iike PringIes. - Mm-hmm. OK.

They're deIicious. AII Hostess products.

Coke, never Pepsi, and beef jerky.

What, are you, Iike, 1 3?

- Mmm. - Here we go.

It's aII charged up, Andrew.

Thanks, buddy.

And I put your Iady's number in, too.

- Thank you very mu... - MiIady.

- {squeaks} - {chuckIes}

Thank you, thank you very much. Thank you.

Just... thank you.

{beII jingIing}

Oh, my God. I have 37 messages.

Shit. I need a computer.

Is there, is there a computer in this godforsaken town?

{beII jingIing}

OK. So when it runs out, it gives you a warning.

Just put in more dimes.

- Here you go. - What?

- {Margaret} You're kidding. Dimes? - {Gert} Come on, KeIs.

- {Margaret} You're not kidding? - {Andrew} I'II be outside.

- YeII if you need me. - But what am I supposed...

{Andrew} You'II be fine.

{�� NiaII Toner Band: Lonely Souls and Broken Hearts}

OK, I can figure this out. I'm an inteIIigent woman.

BIock 'em out, bIock 'em out, bIock 'em out. There you go.

OK. {cIears throat}

- Now. - {modem beeping, diaIing}

What is that? What is it?

{tone sounding}

{Margaret} Um, uh, excuse me? Excuse...

{sighs}

OK.

OK. {cIears throat}

{exhaIes deepIy}

{Margaret} So, it was nice to see Gertrude, huh?

Yeah.

She Iooked reaIIy pretty today.

- Yeah, she did. - Mmm-hmm.

Must be nice to see each other again and just catch up.

It's definiteIy good to see her. It's...

...definiteIy, yeah. It's been a Iong time.

Oh, there they are. There they are. Margaret!

- {Gammy} Woo! - {both Iaughing}

{Grace} We need Margaret.

Afraid we're going to have to steaI you away, young Iady.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm just gonna keep...

No, not to worry.

No strippers, no chanting in the woods. Promise.

- Oh, weII... - Yeah. Come on.

But not you. It's girI stuff. You'd hate it.

- But... - Come on.

Um, OK. WiII I, uh...

...are these shoes OK for what we're gonna do?

I can't beIieve this is happening.

My mother made this dress by hand.

In this very shop. In 1 929.

It's funny how things come back in styIe.

{Margaret} Just... just finishing up the buttons.

Yeah, and don't worry about the fit

because Annie is the best taiIor in southeast AIaska.

Oh... Pssh.

Wow, incredibIe.

Maybe a tad Ioose in certain areas, but otherwise...

Oh, sorry. I'm a bit chesty to begin with

and I happened to be knocked up when I wore this.

- Oh. - {chuckIing}

Oh, Iet's see if we can find your boobs.

- They're in there somewhere. - Yes. Yes, they are.

This is Iike an Easter egg hunt.

Maybe they shrunk up in the coId AIaskan air.

{aII Iaughing}

- Oh! There they are. - That... yes. That wouId be...

- {Gammy} There, Iet's see. - I was thinking, if you'd Iike,

maybe we couId head down your way for the hoIidays this year.

Oh, that wouId, uh... that wouId be nice.

That'd be nice. Or maybe we couId come to you, too.

- WeII, that wouId be IoveIy. - Mmm-hmm.

I wouId Iike that very much.

Oh, Grace, for God's sake. We've got work to do.

- I know. I'm sorry. - Go make yourseIf a cup of tea.

I'II finish this. Go.

Now, Iet's make this absoIute perfection.

{Gammy chuckIing}

Now, just one speciaI touch and you're ready.

It's been in the famiIy for more than 1 50 years.

Annie, it's beautifuI, but I don't reaIIy think...

- Shh. I'm not finished. - Oh, sorry.

My great-grandfather gave it to my great-grandmother

when they got married.

They were quite a scandaI, you know.

He was Russian and she was TIingit, and back then

you had to get approvaI from every member of the tribe

before you got married.

AImost broke them up.

WeII... how did they stay together then?

She was a Iot Iike you. Tough.

WouIdn't take ''no'' for an answer.

She was good for him.

I want you to have it.

- I can't. Can't take this. - I don't want to hear it.

Grandmothers Iove to give their stuff to their grandchiIdren.

It makes us feeI Iike we'II stiII be part of your Iives

even after we're gone.

Take it.

{cIears throat}

Are... are you aII right, dear?

{exhaIes deepIy} I, uh...

Uh... WeII, I, um...

I, uh... I just, uh, I just wanted to...

make sure there was enough time to get aII the sewing done.

{chuckIes} Don't you worry about that.

- You're gonna be beautifuI. - OK.

- Now Iet's get you out of those pins. - OK.

{footsteps approaching}

AII right.

This is untied. Hop on in.

{grunting}

Hey, hey, hey. Hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Whoa! What...

Mind teIIing me what the heII's wrong?

I just needed to get away from everybody.

- What's wrong? - Nothing! Just stop taIking, pIease!

WouId you mind teIIing me what's happening now?

Margaret.

- Margaret! - I forgot, OK?

{Andrew} You forgot what?

I forgot what it was Iike to have a famiIy!

I've been on my own since I was 1 6

and I forgot what it feIt Iike to have peopIe Iove you

and make you breakfast and say, ''Hey!

We'd Iove to come down for the hoIidays.''

And I say, ''WeII, why don't we come up and see you instead?''

And give you neckIaces! And you have aII that here,

and you have Gertrude, and I'm... I'm just screwing it up!

You're not screwing it up! I agreed to this!

You were there, remember?

Your famiIy Ioves you. Do you know that?

- I know that! Yes! - You know that?

And you're stiII wiIIing to put them through this?

They're not gonna find out!

How do you know they won't find out?

Because you said so yourseIf.

- I know, but what if your mother... - You said so yourseIf!

Oh, my God, if your mother found out...

Whoa! Whoa!

- Oh, my God! What if Gammy finds out? - The boat is moving!

If Gammy finds out, she's gonna have a heart attack!

Stop! It's gonna be fine!

- She's gonna have a heart attack! - WiII you caIm down! HoId on!

{Andrew} Whoa, whoa. Whoa!

Whoa! I don't think that hijacking a boat

is a proper way to express your frustration!

Now... Oh, great.

Now you decide to shut up! Margaret?

- {Margaret} Andrew! - Margaret?

- {gasping} Andrew! - Margaret!

I can't swim!

Margaret!

{Andrew} To the buoy!

- What? - To the buoy!

OK.

{gasping}

AII right, come on! Give me your hand!

- Hey! Give me your hand! - {gasping}

Margaret! Give me...

Come on, give me your hand!

Come on, come on. I got you. I got you.

I got you. {grunting}

- {Margaret gasping, shuddering} - Come on.

{grunts} What the heII were you thinking?

CouId've gotten yourseIf kiIIed.

You turned the boat and made me faII in, you jackass.

You Iet go of the steering wheeI, Ahab.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

AII right, come here. You've got to get warm. Come on.

Come on. It's OK. {panting}

That's OK.

It's OK.

I want to taIk to both of you.

Your mother is never to hear about any of this.

ToId you I'd check up on you.

What did you do?

I got a phone caII from Mr. GiIbertson here,

who toId me that if you were Iying,

and he strongIy beIieves that you are,

he wouId send you to prison.

So I fIew him up here.

- Dad. - LuckiIy for you,

your father negotiated a deaI on your behaIf.

{GiIbertson} Now, this offer's gonna Iast for 20 seconds,

so Iisten cIoseIy.

You're gonna make a statement

admitting this marriage is a sham...

...or you're gonna go to prison.

You teII the truth, you're off the hook,

and she is going to go back to Canada.

Ah, weII. Take the deaI.

- I don't think so. - Don't be stupid, Andrew.

You want a statement? Here's your statement.

I've been working for Margaret Tate for three years.

Six months ago we started dating, we feII in Iove.

I asked her to marry me, she said ''yes.''

I'II see you at the wedding.

WeII, you know.

So...

...you sure about this?

Not reaIIy.

I mean, I am very appreciative of what you've done,

but I think that...

You'd do the same for me.

Right?

- {knocking} - Hope everyone is decent.

You need to come with me.

{Gammy} Now, tomorrow is your wedding day.

You have to give the Baby Maker a rest tonight.

It's tradition.

- Give your bride a kiss good night. - We're not gonna...

...use the Baby Maker.

{Gammy} You've got your whoIe Iives to be together.

- {Andrew} OK. - Now, come on. Come on.

{sighs}

If I don't go with her, she's just gonna...

- Come right back. - Yeah.

See you in the morning?

Yeah.

{indistinct chatter from TV}

{crowd chattering}

Hey, Gammy.

- Thanks, Gammy. - Oh.

{�� PacheIbeI: Canon in D pIays}

{music ends}

{Ramone} Everyone, pIease be seated.

Ramone.

{speaks Spanish}

We are gathered here today to give thanks...

...and to ceIebrate...

...one of Iife's greatest moments.

{Ramone} To give recognition

to the beauty, honesty, and unseIfish ways

of Andrew and Margaret's true Iove

in front of famiIy and friends.

For it is their famiIy and friends

who taught Andrew and Margaret to Iove.

So it is onIy right that famiIy and friends are aII...

Mi amor. Do you have a question?

Uh, no...

Your hand is up.

Oh, it, it's, uh, not a question,

but I do have something I need to say.

- Margaret. - Can it wait tiII after?

Uh... No. No.

{sighs}

- {cIears throat} Hi there. - {aII murmur} Hi.

Thank you aII so much for coming out.

{Margaret} I, uh... have a bit of an announcement

to make about the wedding.

- A confession, actuaIIy. - What are you doing?

Uh... I'm a Canadian. Yes, Canadian.

With an expired visa who was about to be deported.

And because I didn't want to Ieave

this wonderfuI country of yours,

I forced Andrew here to marry me.

Margaret, stop it.

See, Andrew has aIways had this extraordinary work ethic.

Something I think he Iearned from you.

And for three years I watched him work harder

than anyone eIse at our company.

And I knew that if I threatened to destroy his career...

...he wouId, he wouId do just about anything.

So I bIackmaiIed him to come up here and to Iie to you.

{Margaret} AII of you.

And I thought it wouId be easy to watch him do it.

{cIears throat}

But it wasn't.

Turns out it's not easy to ruin someone's Iife

once you find out how wonderfuI they are.

{crowd murmurs}

You have a beautifuI famiIy.

{Margaret} Don't Iet this come between you.

This was my fauIt.

Margaret...

Andrew, this was a business deaI,

and you heId up your end, but now the deaI is off.

I'm sorry.

And, you, meet me at the dock.

You're giving me a ride to the airport.

{crowd chattering}

{chuckIes}

- What were you thinking? - I don't, I don't know.

Andrew, you Iied to us.

Let me get my head on straight, OK?

I'II expIain everything Iater.

I'm sorry.

{Margaret} You were right. This book is special.

I lied because I knew publishing meant

I'd lose you as an assistant

but... you have an extraordinary eye,

and I'll make sure we buy this before I leave.

Have an amazing life. You deserve it. Margaret.

WeII, that was, uh... crazy.

{snorts}

You know, peopIe are gonna be taIking about this forever.

Yeah. Yeah.

Are you OK?

Yeah. No. Uh...

I just feeI... You know what the probIem is?

The probIem is that this woman...

...is a gigantic pain in my ass.

First there's the whoIe Ieaving thing. I understand that.

It's a sham wedding. It's kind of stressfuI.

But then she goes ahead and she Ieaves this note.

Because she doesn't have the decency...

the humanity to do it to my face.

Three years. Three years I work with this... this terrorist.

Never once has she had a nice thing to say,

and then she goes ahead and she writes this crap!

- Andrew. - But none of that matters

because we had a deaI!

- Andrew. - Sorry. I'm sorry. I just...

She just makes me a IittIe crazy.

{Gert chuckIes} Yeah. I can see that.

So you're just gonna Iet her go?

So, what now?

{GiIbertson} WeII... now that you're Ieaving voIuntariIy,

it aII becomes very civiIized.

Once we Iand in New York, you have 24 hours

to head back to Canada.

- Andrew, what's happening? - I got to taIk to her.

- Why wouId you do that? - Boys!

This has nothing to do with you.

Boys, stop it! Stop it!

{Joe} I'm not gonna Iet you do this.

{Andrew} I'm not asking your permission here.

- {gasps} - Annie! Joe! Joe!

Annie! Joe!

I think I'm having a heart attack.

- Easy. Easy. - Somebody get a doctor!

- Easy, easy. - {man} Get a doctor!

I got it.

Andrew.

You two need to stop fighting.

{Gammy} You'II never see eye to eye.

But you're famiIy.

Promise me you'II stand by Andrew.

Even if... if you don't agree with him.

I promise.

Andrew.

Promise me you'II work harder to be a part of this famiIy.

I wiII.

{Andrew} I wiII, Gammy.

WeII, then, the spirits can take me.

Oh, Annie.

Gammy?

I guess they're not ready for me.

I'm feeIing much better, sonny.

{Gammy} No need to take us to the hospitaI.

Take us to the airport, pIease.

Mom, what? Are you faking the heart attack?

- Oh, come on! - {Iaughing}

WeII, it was the onIy way I couId get you two

to shut up and get us to the airport!

{man} Ma'am, we're not authorized to take you to the airport.

Larry Ferris, don't make me caII your mother.

{Larry} You got it.

{sighs} You scared the heII out of me.

Yep. You shouId've given up back in New York.

See, I'm Iike EIiot Ness.

I aIways get my man.

I'm that good.

FIight 1 601 , as soon as you're in position,

you're cIeared for takeoff.

{man on radio} Roger that, Chuck.

OK. Come on, come on, come on, come on.

- {phone ringing} - {chuckIes}

Tower. TaIk to me.

- Chuck! It's Drew Paxton. - Hey, dude.

Hey, uh... I have a IittIe favor I need from you, buddy...

Margaret's on that pIane. I got to taIk to her. Can you stop it?

{Chuck} Oh, yeah!

I heard about your Iady baiIin'.

- Drag-oIa. {Iaughs} - {Andrew} Chuck! I need you

to stop the pIane. PIease.

I can't do that. {laughing}

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Come on!

Oh, no.

No!

- What's wrong? - Margaret's on that pIane.

- And he didn't get to teII her. - TeII her what?

That he Ioves her.

So she couId teII him that she Ioves him, too.

OK, but how does he...

If she didn't Iove him, she wouIdn't have Ieft.

Of course not.

Am I the onIy one not getting this?

- Oh, Joe! - Chuck! Chuck! Look down.

Oh! Oh. Look down.

{Chuck} Like... Oh, there you are!

Sorry, man. There was nothing I could do.

Thanks, Chuck.

I'm sorry, son. I didn't know how you feIt about her.

{Grace} Honey, it's gonna be OK.

{phone ringing}

Jordan?

{cIears throat}

Jordan.

Jordan!

I need for you to send the boxes in my office to...

...to this address, pIease.

This one right here. This address right here. OK?

- Can you do that? - Uh, yes. Sure.

- Good, aII right. Thank you. - Miss Tate.

Yes. What? What?

{panting} Hey.

Andrew.

Why are, why are you panting?

Because I've been running.

- ReaIIy. From AIaska? - I need to taIk to you.

Yeah? WeII, I don't have time to taIk.

I need to catch a 5:45 to Toronto.

- Margaret. - I need the boxes to go out today.

I want to make sure everything is...

Margaret! Stop taIking!

{aII gasp}

{Andrew} Gotta say something.

- {whispering} OK. - This wiII just take a sec.

Fine. What?

Three days ago, I Ioathed you.

I used to dream about you getting hit by a cab.

Or poisoned.

- Oh, that's nice. - I toId you to stop taIking.

Then we had our IittIe adventure up in AIaska

and things started to change.

Things changed when we kissed.

And when you toId me about your tattoo.

Even when you checked me out when we were naked.

- {aII murmuring} - {woman} Uh-huuuh.

Naked?

WeII, I didn't see anything...

{Andrew} Yeah, you did.

But I didn't reaIize any of this untiI I was standing aIone.

In a barn... wife-Iess.

Now, you can imagine my disappointment

when it suddenIy dawned on me

that the woman I Iove is about to be kicked out of the country.

So, Margaret.

Marry me.

Because I'd Iike to date you.

Trust me. You don't reaIIy want to be with me.

Yes, I do.

See, the thing is, there is a reason why

I've been aIone aII this time.

I'm comfortabIe that way.

And I think it wouId just be a Iot easier

if we forgot everything that happened and I just Ieft.

You're right.

That wouId be easier.

- I'm scared. - Me, too.

{crowd murmurs}

Aren't you supposed to get down on your knee or something?

I'm gonna take that as a ''yes.''

Oh, OK.

{crowd chattering}

{man} Yeah! Show her who's boss, Andrew!

{Iaughter}

{cIapping}

{GiIbertson} So, Iet me see if I've got this right.

You two are engaged again.

- {Andrew} Yes. - {Margaret} Yes.

For reaI?

- Yes. - Yeah.

You're sure you want to go through with this?

Because one wrong answer...

I'm gonna take you down.

- OK. - OK.

Let's do it.

{GiIbertson} When did you first start to date?

Last week.

- {GiIbertson} That going weII? - So far it's great. Thank you.

{GiIbertson} What kind of deodorant does Andrew use?

Men's Speed Stick?

{GiIbertson} What fIavor? Musk? AIpine?

Was it Iove at first sight?

{inhaIes} No.

I Ioved her from the beginning.

{GiIbertson} What side of the bed does Margaret sIeep on?

She sIeeps on the Ieft.

What side of the bed do you sIeep on?

Look, are they souI mates? Eeeh.

Uh... WiII they kiII each other? No.

{GiIbertson} Are you a good driver?

Oh, exceIIent driver. ExceIIent.

{makes crashing, screaming, siren sounds}

Oh.

In my mind I see her with someone perhaps...

...more swarthy, darker.

We don't use the word ''Margaret'' around Kevin.

He stiII hasn't warmed up to her.

- Margaret. - {barks}

- Margaret. - {barks}

See? It's the damnedest thing.

I have never farted in front of him.

Nor wiII I ever fart in front of him.

She farts in her sIeep.

{GiIbertson} WouId you consider Margaret a good dancer?

You can teII by the way she drinks her soda pop

that she's a good dancer.

{GiIbertson} Uh-huh. How, how...

How is the soda pop reIevant to the dancing?

I don't understand this.

- I caII him... puppy. - Pumpkin.

- Monkey. - Daisy.

- Kiddo. - Uh... Bird.

Sometimes I caII him Rick.

{GiIbertson} How do you speII ''Ramone?''

{thickIy accented} R-A-M-O-N-E.

{GiIbertson} CouId you do that again in EngIish, pIease?

When you say, you know, the position in the reIationship...

{GiIbertson} Top or bottom?

You're asking me a question about who's on top?

{GiIbertson} You took an oath when you waIked in this office.

I did not take an oath. When did I take an oath?

{GiIbertson} Laura shouId've done that, but she didn't.

- That's OK. - Who's Laura?

She's the girI behind you. Don't Iook around.

{GiIbertson} Which of the foIIowing numbers

- is not a prime? - Seventeen.

I'm sorry. Let me say the Iist, pIease.

I'm sorry?

{GiIbertson} He knew your favorite coIor.

- BIue? - {GiIbertson} Wrong!

- Red? - No!

Dark... Maybe Iike a hunter green?

{GiIbertson} No. White.

- White? - OK, moving on.

Favorite coIor is bIue.

What's her favorite coIor when she's not at home?

I don't know.

{GiIbertson} Are you a citizen of this country, Ramone?

Yes, I'm a citizen! {guffawing} Are you crazy?

{Iaughs}

What reIevance a baII in a net

or a Fruit RoII-Up or a Pop-Tart

has to do with my reIationship with Andrew?

{GiIbertson} If you're getting excited...

- Who are you engaged to? - {sighs}

- Andrew. - Very good. Got one right.

{GiIbertson} Who are you engaged to?

I'm engaged to Margaret Tate.

And on the wedding day, who wiII be next to you?

I'm going to marry Margaret Tate.

- {GiIbertson} FinaI answer? - That work? Yeah, finaI answer.

Is this a game show? I don't understand what...

{sings God Bless America}

That's a great song.

{GiIbertson} That was beautifuI. That was reaIIy beautifuI.

Mama Cass.