All language subtitles for Home Economics s02e11 Camping Tent.eng

Chapter 18: Tom had a secret.

And it was a fact of life
in the Hayworth family,

Tom was not good at keeping secrets.

Oh, my God, is she hallucinating?

No, it's a parasitic twin that
lives in the back of her head.

- Tom!
- Sorry.

What happened to my leftover noodles?

Denise and I ate them.

- Tom!
- Sorry.

Oh, I don't need a children's menu.

Sarah just got her first period.

- Tom!
- Sorry.

And now, he'd just seen his brother

hooking up with his
sister's wife's sister.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Tom was doing his best to
keep the secret to himself.

I saw Connor and JoJo
having... [stammers]

Preparing for sexual intercourse.

What? How do you...

preparing for sexual intercourse?

Earlier when I went by his
place. They didn't see me.

And you're sure that's what you saw?

I don't know, maybe they're
putting each other's clothes on,

doing a really bad job on account
of all the... French kissing.

[sighs] Denise's sister
and your brother?

Well, I guess now that you know,

it won't stay a secret for long.

Come on, I waited almost
24 hours to tell you.

I was asleep for a lot
of that, doesn't count.

- Hmm.
- And now, I'm going back to bed.

How can you sleep knowing this?

Like a baby.

Sleep is the only place
where I get to be alone.

Yeah, but come on,
it's a lot to take in.

I mean, should I tell
Connor that I know?

- [snoring]
- Should I...

- [snoring]
- Oh, my... How does she do that?

[upbeat music]

Look at them, they might as
well just take off their pants

and do it right there on the scones.

Wow, so blatant.

You have to talk to Connor.

I mean, what they do is their business,

but I hate keeping a secret from Denise.

I know. Denise tried
to talk to me earlier

and I had to pretend
there was a bee in my eye.

You can't pretend a bee,
Marina, it's obvious.

- What's obvious?
- Uh... Coffee...

is so obvious, right?

[chuckles]

Oh, my God, is it... is
that bee in here again?

Oh, not again.

Okay, you can never commit a crime.

Hey, Marina, what's it been
like working back at the firm?

Well, it's not how I plan on going back,

but since the whole Sof�a
memoir thing happened,

we needed a little bit more income.

Well, I hope that you still have time

to plan our first
Condor Girls overnight.

Please, I stole highlighters at work.

- [gasps and laughter]
- I can't wait.

Our first Condor Girls camp out.

ALL: Caw-caw!

Well, the campsite is gonna
be in our living room

'cause it's January.

Caw-caw?

Now, the theme is female friendship,

so come prepared with your
favorite sisterhood-themed song

or poem or pair of jeans that
magically fits everybody.

- Caw-caw!
- ALL: Caw-caw!

And while the girl cousins
are doing Condor Girl stuff,

Kelvin, Tom, and I are
gonna do some man stuff.

Video games, pizza, beer.

Tom can handle one beer.

- Light beer.
- Bam.

Well, Denise, looks like that leaves us.

What do you say to a sister night?

Yes, finally. I've hardly seen you.

You're always doing night
yoga or sleeping all day

'cause you're tired
from that night yoga.

Mm-hmm. [laughs]

- Night yoga?
- Yeah.

It's yoga, but you do it in
the middle of the night.

Oh, yes, I've also heard of this trend.

- I want to try that.
- No, you don't.

Okay.

Hey, come here. Come here.

You okay?

Look a little paler than
usual. Are you sweating?

Yeah, sweating? Kind of like
I'm doing some night yoga?

It's a real thing.

Oh, come on. I saw you and JoJo.

The other day I came over
here to return my watch

and saw you guys all...

- kissy, kissy.
- Oh, my God.

- When did this start?
- Christmas.

When the whole family was here?

No, we waited till you guys
were in the driveway.

Look, at first it was just...

kissy, kissy, but then it
turned into something real.

Oh, okay, well, if it's so real,

then when are you gonna
tell Denise about it?

Maybe next week? Maybe never.

Connor, come on. You can't
keep a thing like this a secret.

More importantly, I can't.

I just need more time, okay?
I mean, look at them.

When JoJo first got here,

her and Denise could
hardly stand each other.

Now, they're getting
along better than ever.

- I don't want to mess that up.
- We're heading out.

Thanks for coming.

Thank you. Everything was delicious.

I should get home and rest
up for midnight pilates.

I hope I get the mean
instructor tonight.

Ooh, yeah, I heard he's rough.

Yeah, you guys might actually
be worse at this than me.

I brought so much sick camping gear

for the little Condor Girls.

I got sub-zero sleeping bags,

titanium hiking poles, bear alarms.

I brought graham crackers.

Great, something we'll actually use.

Can you, uh, drop that
off in the kitchen?

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

You need to tell her.

No, I do not.

Listen, unlike Tom, I can keep a secret.

I just don't want to.

Look, I have an idea.

You're scared to tell Denise

because you know how
she's going to react, right?

- Yeah.
- Well, what if I could, uh, set the table?

What?

Set the table.

I know, I heard you. What
table? What do you mean?

Set... just, you know, trust me.

Okay, have fun with the girls tonight.

- Thanks.
- JoJo and I are going to watch

a dating show that she likes

where no one can have sex...

or everyone has to have
sex, I can't remember.

[laughs]

That's funny, Denise.

Connor loves those shows, too.

- Do I?
- Yeah.

You do, and when you think about it,

you and JoJo have a lot
in common, you know?

It's like, they both
like travel, fitness.

Whoa, whoa, I just had an insane idea.

This is, like... this is insane.

What if we got those two together?

Whoa, Tom. [laughs]

That is... I've never
even considered that.

I mean, Denise, what do you
think of this crazy idea?

Uh, yeah, that would
be insane, literally.

- You think?
- I mean, Connor, you've been dating

like a shark lately.

Like, if you stop moving
through women, you'll die.

That's a bit of an overstatement.

And anyone who dates
JoJo is left in shambles.

She's like a tornado and
if you combine those two,

you get a sharknado... a love sharknado.

I mean, it would be a mess...

not just for them, but for all of us.

It would end in tears and
fighting and choosing sides,

and then next thing you know,

we're having three
different Christmases.

- But good idea, Tom.
- [laughter]

- All right, bye for real this time.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Okay, then.

[door closes]

What the hell, Tom?
Now I can never tell her.

I'm sorry, I was trying
to set the table.

With what, grenades?

Now Denise is going
to be all in my head.

- What do you mean?
- I mean, she tends to be right

about, like, everything.

I mean, think about it.
She had me pegged.

I'm always comparing myself to a shark.

I don't want my relationship
to blow up this family.

- I kind of like this family, Tom!
- Relax.

Denise just needs to
get used to the idea.

It's kind of like Sarah
when she first met Marina.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Wait, what? What does that mean?

Uh...

I'm gonna take off.

Okay, uh, I kind of misspoke.

Did Sarah not like me?

No, it wasn't that she didn't like you.

It was more of a gradual warming,

like the Earth.

- I can't believe it.
- But, hey, she likes you now.

Right? Right?

Oh, no.

[doorbell rings]

- Hey.
- Hey.

I thought we could squeeze
in a little night yoga

in the late afternoon.

Sure. Um, don't you have to get
back for sister night though?

Won't Denise, maybe,
get a little suspicious?

Actually, I've been thinking.

Denise and I are in a good place now.

Maybe we should tell her.

Who knows, she might
even be happy for us.

Or she might not. I bet not.

What do you mean?

I just... I don't think Denise has
a great opinion on my dating life.

She thinks I've been kind
of going through women.

Mm, doesn't bother me.

I've been in plenty of
failed relationships, too.

Yeah, so do you worry that maybe
we're one of those love sharknados?

[laughs] What?

A tornado shark combo,
but in relationship form.

Okay, what is your deal?

- You're calling me a shark?
- No.

No, you'd be the tornado.

Thank you?

Let's say things get bad between us.

I don't want to make it weird between
you and Denise or me and Denise

or you and Sarah because
Sarah's married to Denise.

Yeah, yeah, no.
I'm aware of all of this.

Connor, this is crazy.
We just started dating.

I know, I'm just worried what's
going to happen when we stop.

- Yeah.
- I...

I'm gonna call that a red flag.

- [sighs]
- You know what?

This whole thing was a mistake.

[whistle blows]

All right, welcome to the sisterhood.

- Caw-caw!
- ALL: Caw-caw!

Okay, everybody throw on
your sister hoodies, huh.

And remember what tonight is about.

It is all about girls
always supporting girls.

[scoffs]

So, um, if everyone wants to
get unpacked and settle in

and we'll start activities.

- Yay.
- Yay.

What? What was that?

Oh, nothing. I was just remembering
the first time we met.

- Do you remember?
- Of course.

Yeah, we went to that
restaurant. It was so fun.

And I said to Tom, I said, "Tom,

this new girlfriend, she's a keeper."

- Really?
- Really.

So you knew that we were going
to be friends right away?

- Of course.
- Huh.

I mean, you know, not...
not right away, right away.

- Speak on that.
- You know, we were so different.

I really wanted to go to
that little vegetarian caf�,

and you insisted on the very
fancy white tablecloth place

- and paying for everything.
- Oh.

Yeah, gosh, what was I thinking?

I guess I was just really proud

to be the first in my family
to go through college

and then get through law school
and join a big law firm.

- So... yeah.
- Right, yes. And I love that about you.

It's amazing.

Just talked a lot about
the expense account.

The expense account that
paid for all the food

that you were complaining about?

It was such a long... it was so...

- Such a long time ago.
- Such a long time ago.

Good thing we're way past that.

Oh, boy.

There is some drama going on
between Mommy and Aunt Marina.

I am so glad I'm not a Condor Girl.

Hey, Kel, are you ready for guy's night?

I guess.

I cannot believe this.

Marina just texted me
about what's going on.

Okay, what do you mean?

About the two of them.

I mean, I guess it's all
out in the open now.

[sighs]

Denise, I just want you
to know I feel terrible

- about the whole thing.
- Yeah,

- it's gonna get messy.
- Right?

But I don't want to think
about that right now.

I wish I could stop thinking about it.

Every time I close my eyes,
I see them kissing.

I mean, of all the women in the world,

Connor's got to sleep with your sister?

What? [chuckles]

Uh, what?

- What?
- What?

- What?
- What?

What were you talking about?

Marina finding out that Sarah
didn't like her when they first met,

but I'd like to focus on
what you were talking about.

Um...

- Uncle Tom, you ready to go?
- You bet.

- We're gonna need a few minutes.
- Yeah,

we're actually gonna need a few minutes.

Twins are asleep.

Who wants smores?

Oh, smores are at 8:00 p.m.

Right now we're playing
Guess the Celebrity,

- but with women in STEM.
- Do I wear glasses?

I have no idea.

- Am I dead?
- Kind of wish I was.

They're just warming up.
I think they're really gonna like it.

Of course you do.

Okay. Hey. Can we just
sidebar real quick?

Uh, not to put my therapist cap
on, but it kind of feels like

you're hanging on to some
resentments from before.

No, no resentment. No.

When we met, I wasn't sure
we'd be friends either.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, fine.
- [laughs]

Just curious, what about me
did you not immediately love?

Aww, um,

I don't know. I guess I thought
you were a little inflexible.

- Inflexible.
- Yeah.

You know, like how a stick
is inflexible in the mud

and then it's just complaining
about how muddy the mud is.

- [laughter]
- Yeah.

That's actually, that's something
that we have in common

because you complain a lot too.

- Oh, do I now?
- Yeah, you sure do.

Like, like, when you complain about
money in front of me and Denise

who have way less than you.

I mean, look around, you have
a kitchen and a dining room

and a living room that
aren't all the same room.

Well, we also have three kids.

No one told you to have three kids.

- Learn how twins work.
- Are we gonna have smores?

- [gasps] Of course, honey.
- What's a campsite without smores?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Who's a stick in the mud now, huh?

Sorry, I can't hear you.

The acoustics are so bad
in my giant mansion.

[sighs] I have had a day.

I hope you have a sister
night box of wine.

Oh, sister night's
postponed indefinitely.

I found out about you and Connor.

Great. Here we go.

Dating my brother-in-law
without telling me?

- You didn't think that was shady?
- The last thing I need right now

is a lecture from Saint Denise.

- And we're not dating.
- Okay, hooking up or whatever.

- I don't read "Teen Vogue."
- No, we're done.

He started acting all weird.

We fought and then we broke it off.

Hey, you lied to me.

I thought we turned a corner, JoJo.

I was gonna tell you.

Just... felt like it was
gonna be different.

I don't know what happened.

I guess, I'm just too much
of a mess for him.

Too much of a mess for Connor?

He said we were destroying the family

with a love sharknado?

A love sharknado? He said that?

Yeah.

Okay, well, I'm gonna
go lay on your bed.

Okay, yeah.

I'll bring you some tea.

To be clear, I'm still mad at you.

- [gunfire over TV speakers]
- _

You win again. Can I
please go to bed now?

Come on, one more. One more round.

Connor, it's getting late.

- [sighs] Okay.
- Night, uncles.

- Goodnight.
- Night.

[gunfire continues]

- You okay, man?
- Yup.

I'm good, just pretending
these killer cyborgs

- are my feelings.
- [sighs]

Look, man. I'm sorry about
meddling with you and JoJo.

I screwed it up and then
I screwed it up again.

And then I bought these
chips that no one liked.

Ah, it's not your fault.

I mean, you did really let
us down with those chips,

but I should've just told
Denise from the beginning.

Maybe then I'd still
have a shot with JoJo.

Man, you... you really like her, huh?

Yeah. Now I can't look at a shark
or a tornado without feeling sad.

And that sucks because I used
to love both of those things.

- _
- No, no, no. Oh, come... Lag, man.

- You see the lag?
- Yeah, no.

- This isn't misplaced anger.
- The lag.

Wow, beautiful friendship bracelet.

Thanks, yours too.

- Thanks.
- Mom, you're doing it wrong.

Well, this is my first
friendship bracelet. Okay?

Unlike Aunt Sarah, I never
went to Camp Caribou.

My summer camp was a fire hydrant

- in the middle of the street.
- Okay.

Should we move on to worksheets?

They're still making bracelets.

But we have a schedule.
And after worksheets,

- we have She-rades.
- Is that...

- Feminist charades, yeah.
- Okay, well.

How about we just let the
girls do what they want to do?

- Smores?
- [gasps] Yes.

Or, or we could stick to
the sisterhood agenda.

You know, uh, women supporting women?

Do you two need some space?

- Okay, here's a She-rade for you.
- Mm-hmm.

"Hi, my name is Sarah.
I have purple hair,

and my personality is a
coexist bumper sticker."

Wow, well, that's not a charade

because you just told me the answer.

Fine, my turn. "The other
parents at the PTA

are literally killing me."
Grumble, grumble, sip.

- I don't grumble, grumble.
- "Hmm,

it's wine 30, gotta have my juice."

You gave me that T-shirt!

- Did you just...
- I did.

[screams]

[screams] Oh.

Ow, that sweater had chunky buttons!

Well, those marshmallows
are really dense.

[air horn blows]

- Condor Girls. Oh!
- Caw-Caw!

Uh, your Aunt Marina and
I were just practicing

some radical honesty and
working out some of our issues.

Exactly. You know how you
and your cousins are besties,

but sometimes they do little
things that annoy you?

- No.
- Never.

Gretchen and Shamiah are perfect.

Okay.

[chuckles]

Look, we're sorry that you...
that you had to see that.

- Yeah.
- So, why don't we just sip

some hot cocoa and
read Kate Bush lyrics?

Oh, or could we have
a marshmallow fight?

Well, Aunt Sarah really worked hard

at creating a schedule for us.

So, let's follow that plan.

[gasps]

Oh, it's on.

[all screaming]

Attack!

- Yeah, attack!
- [screams]

Thanks, Uncle Tommy.

I'm worried about JoJo.

She hasn't posted on
social media in hours.

Wait, are you serious?

Do you know where she is?
Should we call the cops?

Oh, she just went to get coffee,

but she would've posted
a million selfies by now.

Oh.

Yeah, I mean, Connor's
not himself either.

I've actually never seen him so down.

I mean, he was pretty broken up
when they cancelled "Crank Yankers,"

but this is like some whole other level.

I really screwed this up.

No, come on. It's my fault too.

Yeah, it's mostly your fault.

- 50/50.
- 70/30.

Mm, it's hard to, kind of,
put a number on it.

We were definitely getting
along better than ever,

but maybe she was in such a good mood

because she's in love.

[sighs]

- I feel bad. What should we do?
- What can we do?

Maybe they'll talk and
get back together.

- Or...
- I already don't like this.

Ooh.

- Girls still asleep?
- Yeah.

Giggling all night will
really take it out of you.

I guess we pulled it off.
Made them have too much fun.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

I'm sorry about yesterday.

You know, when we first met,
I was really impressed by you.

And yeah, a little intimidated.

I mean, you're an attorney
who can do handstands

and also makes killer pancakes.

- [scoffs]
- I mean, I don't really like

calling women badass, but...

- It probably applies?
- Yes.

- Yes, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

Listen, you're not a complainer.
I mean, yes, you complain,

but about stuff that really matters.

I complain about traffic and Tom.

[laughs]

Okay, so can we just put this behind us

where it should've stayed all along?

Yes, fighting about the past

is something that Tom and Connor do.

[groans] Brothers are the worst.

Well, luckily, you have a sister.

Are you trying to make me cry?

Oh, get in here. [laughs]

- Stop!
- Don't push me.

You were being so loud.

- Gretchen was snoring all night.
- It was so annoying.

Wow, we really brought them together.

Mm-hmm.

Caw-caw.

Can we go home?

I don't want to walk in a park.

Oh, come on, it's nice to be outside.

Look, it's a fountain.

I know you're trying to cheer me up,

but I have a fountain at home.

Well, you don't have this.

JoJo?

Have you guys seen Kelvin?

Denise texted that he
got attacked by a goose.

Ooh, I probably should've
scripted Denise's half of this.

Whoa, what are the chances

of you two being in the same
place at the same time?

Okay, guessing there's no
violent goose on the loose.

The only goose that's
attacking right now

is a love goose.

Really wish I'd done a
quick pass on this one.

Look, JoJo, I don't know
what's going on here,

but I had nothing to do with this.

Me neither.

Look, whatever weird
romantic comedy thing

you two are trying to pull off
isn't going to work, okay?

- I already know how Connor feels.
- No, you don't.

The words Connor said were not his.

They were mine.

So, you broke us up and
now you're here to tell us

we're actually perfect for each other?

Whoa, no. I would never say that.

Do I think this relationship would last?

No, I don't think so.

- 'Kay.
- Will there be screaming and crying?

- Absolutely.
- Mm.

But I don't think you
should just give up

because I think you're gonna fail.

You two deserve a chance
to fail on your own.

- Thanks?
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Think about it like this.

Denise is just a girl standing
in front of a boy,

and a girl and that boy's brother,

asking them to keep dating each other

because they obviously want to.

What do you think about this?

I think this is all very weird.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. But there is nothing hotter

than proving my sister wrong.

[Sixpence None the
Richer's "Kiss Me" playing]

? ?

- ? Kiss me ?
- We don't need a soundtrack.

No? Okay.

Chapter 27: The story of
Tom's virginity ended...

Oh, let me just kind of, sorry.
Wrong button. [chuckles]

Continue.

- Hey, did you know about these two?
- Of course.

Well, it's been hard to keep it secret.

I have more secrets than
you can possibly imagine.

So, uh, if they have kids,
what would they be to us?

I looked it up. It's still just
nieces and nephews.

Well, that's disappointing.

So, all those times you
had to leave late at night

were just excuses to go
meet up with Connor?

Like, when you had to wait in line

till 3:00 a.m. for a limited
edition eyebrow pencil?

No, that was real, and it was worth it.

I'm just happy it's all out in the open,

except definitely don't tell the kids.

Yeah, I'm not ready
to tell Gretchen yet.

- Lips sealed.
- Yeah, of course.

When are you gonna tell Gretchen?

Are you kidding me, Tom?

You can't keep a secret from a kid?

No, I can. I just have
to take all the kids

to a science museum tomorrow,

but I can totally keep it quiet.

- I'll take them.
- We'll take them.

And I will not complain

about the very distinct
smell in the planetarium,

- even though it's really bad.
- Unbearable.

- Oh, yes.
- So stinky.

- So stinky, right, guys?
- The worst.

Like ham.