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♪ Chappelle's show ♪ ♪ Oww ♪
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♪ Woo-hoo hoo ♪
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♪ Woo-hoo ♪
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♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
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[applause]
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[male announcer] Ladies and gentlemen...
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Dave Chappelle!
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[cheers]
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Man, thank you, guys.
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Thanks, man.
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[hooting]
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What's up, everybody?
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Yo, what's up, man?
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Thank you, guys. Man, shoot.
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Thank you, man.
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Thanks-- oh.
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Oh, man, y'all got me, like--
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you got me touched tonight.
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I would actually cry,
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but the reefer has dried my eyes out.
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You know, I wish my grandmother could see me.
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My grandmother gave me the best advice of my life.
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She said, "You know, Dave,
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everybody wants to be the first person
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to do something.
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Well, let me tell you something.
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Don't ever be the first black person
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to do anything."
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[chuckles]
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Because anytime you hear
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about the first black dude that did something,
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it's a terrible story,
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no matter how benign.
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Imagine, like, who was the first black person
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to take a shit on a white toilet?
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Well, we did some research,
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and I think you'll be surprised at what we found.
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Good evening, I'm Philip Halston.
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In 1954, the United States was marred with unrest.
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With the bus boycotts in Montgomery
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and "Brown versus the board of education"
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still under deliberation,
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the social climate was changing rapidly.
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It was in this context that one man,
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Cyrus Holloway, made history
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when he took on the rural town of Hartsfield, Alabama.
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I remember it was a hot day,
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and I was working the double shift at the steel mill.
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Between shifts, I went outside
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and bought myself a roast beef sandwich
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from a boy that used to sell them out front,
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but little did I know that that roast beef sandwich
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would change my life forever.
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Not Long after lunch, I felt a bubbling in my stomach--
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an evil bubbling.
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A bubble that, to me, signified nothing else
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but the early stages of mud butt.
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I had to take a dump.
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I had to take a dump immediately.
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The closest colored bathroom was located
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in the basement of the steel mill,
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near the boiler room.
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Oh, that toilet was disgusting.
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Wasn't fit for Christian butt cheeks.
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My only options at that time were,
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I could either go doo-doo in my trousers,
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which I couldn't do--
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that was my only good pair at the time--
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or I could use the White restroom.
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It was risky, but so was mud butt.
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Mr. Holloway proceeded to go to the white restroom
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and take what would be known
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as one of the most significant dumps
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in American history.
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After the historic dump began,
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one of Holloway's co-workers, Austin Stringer,
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entered the restroom.
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He immediately called the local police,
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who were being followed by a television crew.
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[farts]
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There he is, officer!
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Come out of there, Holloway.
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With all due respect...
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[farting]
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I got the mud butt.
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While I was on the toilet, they sicced dogs on me.
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[dog barking]
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sprayed me with water.
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Good lord, it's mud butt!
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Finally, I just let them haul me off to jail.
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Book him.
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Desecration of a white facility with negroid feces.
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Here's your evidence.
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I can make about three, four more bags of that
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if you want, sir.
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Cyrus was charged with using a white rest facility
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and faced nine years in prison.
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Word spread quickly around Hartsfield
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and the nation at large.
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Civil rights activists throughout the United States
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descended on this tiny Alabama town
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almost immediately.
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My brothers and sisters,
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we are gathered here today to discuss
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matters of the cocka-dookie and the stinky-stinky.
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-Yes! -Yes, sir!
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I have a question to pose to the government.
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[farting]
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Why can't my turd float next to yours?
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[cheering]
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Our voices will be heard!
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It was the first and largest demonstration of its kind--
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the nation's first shit-in.
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No, my brothers and sisters. Do not run!
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Turn your butt cheeks toward the aggressors,
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and let them clean your butt cheeks
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with the cascading water.
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This is a good thing, my brothers and sisters.
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The shit-in made national news,
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and the American legal society picked up the case
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and took it all the way to the supreme court.
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[protesters chanting]
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In the case of Holloway versus the state of Alabama,
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the supreme court rules in favor of Mr. Holloway.
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[cheers]
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[applause]
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[gavel pounds]
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It is my opinion that,
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no matter what the color of your skin,
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your feces will be Brown.
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Except for the clay-colored ones
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and, of course, the spinach Green.
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And, no matter what the hue of your poo,
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it will undoubtedly stink.
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Good day.
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[applause]
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[Holloway] By the time they read that verdict,
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mud butt... mud butt was calling.
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I suppose I was happy about winning.
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I think what I was most happy about
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was that I could get up from that courtroom
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and use the toilet.
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How you doing, Ms. Pippen?
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[farts] Ahh!
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I just remember going in that bathroom
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and taking the first...
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[farting]
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free dump that I'd ever taken in my life.
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A beautiful dump. [farting]
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As a matter of fact, the choir from my church came.
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♪ Well, I'm gonna Lay down my burden ♪
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♪ Down by the riverside Down by the riverside ♪
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♪ Down by the riverside ♪
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♪ I'm gonna Lay down my burden ♪
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♪ Down by the riverside ♪
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♪ Ain't gonna study war no more♪
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[farts]
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It is all just a matter
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of the stinky-stinky and the cocka-dookie.
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I'm Philip Halston. Good night.
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♪ Well, I ain't Gonna study war no more ♪
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We'll be right back with more Chappelle's show
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after these messages.
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[cheers]
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[applause]
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Whoo!
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[phone ringing]
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Hello, and good evening.
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It's me.
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What?
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It's me.
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What?
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It's me, Little Jon.
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Okay!
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I'm feeling lonely.
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I feel like I just need to talk to someone
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who will understand, and, well,
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that someone is you, Jon.
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Okay!
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Don't you like Popsicles?
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-What? -I said,
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-don't you like Popsicles? -What?
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I said, don't you like Popsicles?
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Yeah!
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-What? -Yeah!
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Okay!
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Sometimes I feel like I am all alone in this world,
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-and I have no one to go to! -What?
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I said, sometimes I feel like I'm all alone
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in this world, and I have no one, sir!
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What?
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No one!
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What?
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-To go to. -Huh?
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No one that understands my pain!
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Yeah!
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Yeah!
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Sometimes when I'm alone,
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I sit on my hand and wait till it gets numb
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and masturbate.
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I call that "A stranger."
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Have you ever given yourself a stranger?
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-What? -A stranger?
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Yeah, yeah, I do.
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Okay!
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Yeah!
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-[Phone ringing] -Hold on.
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They calling me.
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Lil Jon? It's Oprah.
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How are you?
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Good. Listen, I'm pregnant.
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[laughs]
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Are you sure it's mine?
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I'm sure. It's yours.
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Ahh, skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!
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I love you.
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Okay, bye-bye!
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It was Oprah. [laughs]
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She's having our baby.
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Yeah!
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I can't hear you. My cell phone's breaking up.
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I can't hear you.
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Sounds like your phone is breaking up.
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What?
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What?
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What?
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What?
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What?
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What?
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-Okay! -Yeah!
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-Yeah! -Yeah!
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-Yeah. -What?
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-What? -Okay!
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-Okay. -Yeah!
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Affirmative. Huh?
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Roger! Yeah!
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What?
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Melting down! Ahh!
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Bye, nigger!
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[female announcer] You've just watched
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"A moment in the life of Lil Jon."
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Hey, gang, we're gonna take a quick commercial break.
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Don't go anywhere.
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Man, I'm bored.
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I got to go to the Chappelle show.
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Hey everybody. Welcome back.
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Welcome back to the show.
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You know, I've talked about a lot of things on the show.
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I've made fun of so many different people.
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And people say, Dave, you talk about everybody
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except the President.
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Why didn't you do that?
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Well, 'cause he's the President.
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Now, I know my limits, ladies and gentlemen,
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and I wouldn't want to cross them,
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but I will say this.
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If our President were Black,
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we would not be at war right now.
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Not because a black person
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wouldn't have done something like that.
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It's because America wouldn't let a black person
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do something like that
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without asking them a million questions.
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You know, they always do polls,
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like, "Minorities just don't seem to trust the government.
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Because you don't understand what it looks like for US
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So let me help paint the picture.
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Ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you now, "Black Bush."
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[female narrator] President Bush continues
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to make his case for an invasion of Iraq.
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After carefully examining the region,
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me and my cabinet agree that that area
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is definitely ripe for regime change.
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A'ight?
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But if I can be real about it--
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-Be real, son. -Real?
277
00:11:14,566 --> 00:11:15,966
Be real real, son.
278
00:11:16,033 --> 00:11:17,473
Tried to kill my father, man.
279
00:11:17,533 --> 00:11:18,373
[all] Word.
280
00:11:18,433 --> 00:11:19,533
I don't play that shit.
281
00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:21,270
Say word, he tried to kill your father, son.
282
00:11:21,333 --> 00:11:23,333
That nigger tried to kill my father!
283
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:24,900
Word to everything we love,
284
00:11:24,966 --> 00:11:26,426
we coming to see y'all, son.
285
00:11:28,566 --> 00:11:29,866
[female announcer] Meanwhile, President Bush
286
00:11:29,933 --> 00:11:31,703
and British Prime Minister Tony Blair
287
00:11:31,766 --> 00:11:34,766
offered a spirited explanation for a possible war with Iraq.
288
00:11:34,833 --> 00:11:38,073
This nigger very possibly has weapons of mass destruction.
289
00:11:38,133 --> 00:11:39,503
I can't sleep on that.
290
00:11:39,566 --> 00:11:40,866
Not on my watch!
291
00:11:40,933 --> 00:11:43,233
That's not how I roll. That shit is serious!
292
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:45,170
Now, if you don't want to take my word for it,
293
00:11:45,233 --> 00:11:46,373
why don't you ask Tony Blair?
294
00:11:46,433 --> 00:11:48,033
He got a whole 'nother set of intelligence.
295
00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:49,270
What's up, Tony?
296
00:11:49,333 --> 00:11:52,173
We don't know much about Saddam,
297
00:11:52,233 --> 00:11:54,203
but we can't trust random niggers
298
00:11:54,266 --> 00:11:57,296
with things like that, as George so eloquently put it.
299
00:11:57,366 --> 00:11:59,596
I'm with him 100% of the way.
300
00:11:59,666 --> 00:12:01,926
We don't know what he has.
301
00:12:04,166 --> 00:12:05,696
[male narrator] If the United States goes
302
00:12:05,766 --> 00:12:06,796
to war with Iraq,
303
00:12:06,866 --> 00:12:09,066
will it first have to provide evidence
304
00:12:09,133 --> 00:12:12,203
that Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction?
305
00:12:12,266 --> 00:12:14,826
So far, the UN has found nothing,
306
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:17,930
but President Bush counters with this:
307
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,000
The nigger bought aluminum tubes!
308
00:12:20,066 --> 00:12:21,726
Do I need to tell you
309
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:24,270
what the fuck you can do with an aluminum tube?
310
00:12:24,900 --> 00:12:25,700
Aluminum!
311
00:12:26,966 --> 00:12:28,096
That don't scare you?
312
00:12:28,166 --> 00:12:29,896
Fine. I didn't want say this.
313
00:12:32,333 --> 00:12:35,373
The motherfucker bought some yellow cake, okay, in Africa.
314
00:12:35,433 --> 00:12:37,403
He went to Africa, and he bought yellow cake.
315
00:12:37,466 --> 00:12:38,566
Are you sure?
316
00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:40,303
Yes, I'm sure, bitch!
317
00:12:40,366 --> 00:12:42,526
I got the Head of C. I. A. right here, he'll tell you!
318
00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:44,500
What up? Are you sure?
319
00:12:44,566 --> 00:12:45,896
Are you sure?
320
00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:47,796
I can't believe you mother fuckers.
321
00:12:47,866 --> 00:12:50,066
This is ridiculous. Ridiculous!
322
00:12:50,133 --> 00:12:52,903
Me and Jeb just coming back from Africa.
323
00:12:52,966 --> 00:12:55,026
Cradle of fucking civilization.
324
00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:57,630
-And this nigger out here buying yellow cake.
325
00:12:57,700 --> 00:12:58,970
From the motherland.
326
00:12:59,033 --> 00:13:00,873
Are you sure it was yellow cake?
327
00:13:00,933 --> 00:13:02,203
Y'all niggers don't believe me,
328
00:13:02,266 --> 00:13:04,026
I got some yellow cake right here!
329
00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:05,730
Look, you see? You believe this shit now?
330
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,400
Don't drop that shit!
331
00:13:07,466 --> 00:13:09,296
I know. I know what to do with it!
332
00:13:09,366 --> 00:13:11,866
That's why I got it wrapped up in this special C. I. A. napkin.
333
00:13:11,933 --> 00:13:13,373
Just don't drop that shit here.
334
00:13:13,433 --> 00:13:14,933
You better hope I don't drop this shit!
335
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,970
Pray to God you don't drop that shit.
336
00:13:17,033 --> 00:13:18,173
Yellow cake.
337
00:13:18,233 --> 00:13:19,103
Fucking right.
338
00:13:21,033 --> 00:13:22,733
[Male announcer] A sensitive accusation
339
00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:24,070
for this administration
340
00:13:24,133 --> 00:13:26,233
is the theory held by many that the real reason
341
00:13:26,300 --> 00:13:28,900
the US Is so interested in toppling Saddam
342
00:13:28,966 --> 00:13:31,926
is control of the oil that Iraq is sitting on.
343
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,370
What about people who say
344
00:13:33,433 --> 00:13:35,333
you're only interested in the middle east for oil?
345
00:13:35,866 --> 00:13:36,526
What?
346
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:38,230
Huh? Oil?
347
00:13:39,366 --> 00:13:40,496
Who said something about oil, bitch?
348
00:13:40,566 --> 00:13:42,426
Are you cooking? Oil?
349
00:13:45,233 --> 00:13:46,203
Man, I don't know what--
350
00:13:46,266 --> 00:13:47,166
Come on y'all. Get out of here!
351
00:13:48,966 --> 00:13:50,266
[announcer] President Bush met
352
00:13:50,333 --> 00:13:52,033
with UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan
353
00:13:52,100 --> 00:13:54,500
and made it clear the US will act
354
00:13:54,566 --> 00:13:56,796
even if the UN is reluctant.
355
00:13:56,866 --> 00:13:58,496
UN, you have a problem with that,
356
00:13:58,566 --> 00:13:59,566
you know what you should do?
357
00:13:59,633 --> 00:14:00,803
You should sanction me.
358
00:14:00,866 --> 00:14:02,696
Sanction me with your army.
359
00:14:02,766 --> 00:14:04,496
Oh, wait a minute!
360
00:14:04,566 --> 00:14:06,096
You don't have an army!
361
00:14:06,166 --> 00:14:08,196
I guess that means you need to shut the fuck up!
362
00:14:08,266 --> 00:14:09,966
That's what I'd do if I didn't have no army.
363
00:14:10,033 --> 00:14:11,373
I would shh! The fuck up.
364
00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:13,533
Shut the fuck up!
365
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,270
That's right, Kofi Annan.
366
00:14:15,333 --> 00:14:16,873
Think I'm gonna take orders from an African?
367
00:14:16,933 --> 00:14:19,633
You might speak 16 languages, but you gonna need them
368
00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:21,630
when you in times square selling fake hats.
369
00:14:21,700 --> 00:14:22,970
I know Gucci when I see it, nigger.
370
00:14:23,033 --> 00:14:24,603
I'm rich.
371
00:14:24,666 --> 00:14:26,896
I got a coalition of the willing.
372
00:14:26,966 --> 00:14:30,326
I got 40 nations ready to roll, son!
373
00:14:31,300 --> 00:14:32,130
Like who?
374
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:33,630
Who the fuck said that?
375
00:14:33,700 --> 00:14:35,170
Huh? Huh?
376
00:14:35,233 --> 00:14:36,033
Like who?
377
00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:38,030
England.
378
00:14:38,100 --> 00:14:39,930
Japan's sending Play Stations.
379
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,900
Stankonia said they're willing to drop bombs over Baghdad.
380
00:14:43,966 --> 00:14:46,266
Rickety row is coming!
381
00:14:46,333 --> 00:14:48,703
Afrika Bambaataa and the Zulu nation.
382
00:14:48,766 --> 00:14:51,326
That means I am not doing this by myself,
383
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:54,770
and I am not disrespecting the UN,
384
00:14:54,833 --> 00:14:56,133
even though they don't got no army.
385
00:14:57,466 --> 00:14:59,226
Go sell some medicine, bitches!
386
00:15:00,766 --> 00:15:01,896
I'm trying to get that oil--
387
00:15:01,966 --> 00:15:03,366
Oh! [coughs]
388
00:15:08,366 --> 00:15:10,266
[female announcer] The US fired the opening salvo
389
00:15:10,333 --> 00:15:11,403
in the war on Iraq
390
00:15:11,466 --> 00:15:13,296
with at least 40 tomahawk cruise missiles
391
00:15:13,366 --> 00:15:16,266
and precision guided bombs, centering on Baghdad.
392
00:15:16,333 --> 00:15:17,973
["Hail to the chief" playing]
393
00:15:18,033 --> 00:15:19,233
[male announcer] Good evening.
394
00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:21,100
Tonight, President George Bush is on board
395
00:15:21,166 --> 00:15:23,326
the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln
396
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,230
off the California coast.
397
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:27,300
It will be the site of what is essentially
398
00:15:27,366 --> 00:15:29,966
his victory speech in the war against Iraq.
399
00:15:31,166 --> 00:15:32,026
[clears throat]
400
00:15:32,100 --> 00:15:33,400
What did I say?
401
00:15:33,466 --> 00:15:35,266
I'm not gloating, but what did I say?
402
00:15:35,333 --> 00:15:37,273
Did I not say that we would win that shit?
403
00:15:37,333 --> 00:15:39,533
We rocked them 'bamas! We rocked them!
404
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:41,670
[whispering] Nigger, you see me come in on that plane?
405
00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:42,673
Shhhhooo.
406
00:15:42,733 --> 00:15:44,733
Da-da-da-da-da-da-dah!
407
00:15:46,866 --> 00:15:48,096
[announcer] For the second straight day,
408
00:15:48,166 --> 00:15:49,296
these hard-line Iraqis
409
00:15:49,366 --> 00:15:51,696
protested the American presence here.
410
00:15:52,900 --> 00:15:54,370
Mr. President, when do you think
411
00:15:54,433 --> 00:15:56,903
they'll hold general elections in Iraq?
412
00:15:56,966 --> 00:15:58,796
Damn, I knew I shouldn't have called on this nigger!
413
00:15:58,866 --> 00:16:00,826
I should not have called on you 'cause you're always
414
00:16:00,900 --> 00:16:02,170
trying to distract motherfuckers
415
00:16:02,233 --> 00:16:05,603
with things like the war and skirt all the real issues.
416
00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:08,396
Gay people are getting married, folks.
417
00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:09,530
Yes.
418
00:16:10,533 --> 00:16:12,733
Nasty! Imagine that.
419
00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:16,000
Two women touching on each other's tittie balls,
420
00:16:17,033 --> 00:16:18,003
wrestling them,
421
00:16:18,066 --> 00:16:19,726
gently stroking those nipples
422
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:23,230
till they get just so stiff and erect!
423
00:16:23,300 --> 00:16:24,130
Blowing on them.
424
00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:27,030
[blowing]
425
00:16:30,533 --> 00:16:32,203
Men. Barbecue.
426
00:16:32,266 --> 00:16:34,566
"I like you." "I like you too, dog."
427
00:16:34,633 --> 00:16:36,303
"Let's get married, man."
428
00:16:36,366 --> 00:16:37,496
It's crazy!
429
00:16:37,566 --> 00:16:39,726
-What about your-- -That shit is gross!
430
00:16:43,566 --> 00:16:46,026
Mr. President. Mr. President, sir.
431
00:16:46,100 --> 00:16:48,930
How do you explain the continual upheaval in Iraq
432
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,100
even after the capture of Saddam Hussein?
433
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:53,070
Why are you doing this, man?
434
00:16:54,333 --> 00:16:55,333
I thought you was my black brother.
435
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,600
Why you asking me questions like that?
436
00:16:57,666 --> 00:16:59,496
Fine, I'll answer your stupid-ass question.
437
00:16:59,566 --> 00:17:00,966
Here's what I feel about Iraq.
438
00:17:01,033 --> 00:17:03,833
I feel like you guys keep trying to distract people with Iraq
439
00:17:03,900 --> 00:17:05,770
when I'm focusing on other things,
440
00:17:05,833 --> 00:17:07,773
namely the moon.
441
00:17:07,833 --> 00:17:10,333
Yes, I said it, the moon.
442
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:11,230
Can't be distracted.
443
00:17:11,300 --> 00:17:12,670
"What's going on with the war?
444
00:17:12,733 --> 00:17:14,033
What's wrong with the economy?"
445
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:16,370
Stop worrying about that! I got that shit under control!
446
00:17:16,433 --> 00:17:19,073
Let's focus on space, nigger.
447
00:17:19,133 --> 00:17:21,133
The United States of Space.
448
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:22,330
'Cause I ain't stopping at the moon.
449
00:17:23,266 --> 00:17:24,366
Write this down:
450
00:17:24,900 --> 00:17:27,630
M-A-R-S.
451
00:17:27,700 --> 00:17:28,770
Mars, bitches.
452
00:17:28,833 --> 00:17:30,373
That's where we are going.
453
00:17:30,433 --> 00:17:31,633
Mars. Red rocks!
454
00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:32,530
Yeah, yeah!
455
00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:41,233
I'd like to thank each and every one of you
456
00:17:41,300 --> 00:17:42,330
for being here
457
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:44,800
and everyone at home for supporting the show.
458
00:17:44,866 --> 00:17:46,766
It's been an amazing season.
459
00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:49,433
We love you. We thank you for it.
460
00:17:49,500 --> 00:17:50,930
We shook up the world!
461
00:17:51,466 --> 00:17:52,126
I'm out!
462
00:17:55,833 --> 00:17:57,373
I'm rich, bitch!
463
00:17:57,433 --> 00:17:59,103
-[horn blowing] -Hi, thank you.
464
00:17:59,933 --> 00:18:01,473
Who do you know in Iraq?
465
00:18:01,533 --> 00:18:02,433
Go ahead, say what you was gonna say.
466
00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:04,270
-the war is over! The war is over!
467
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,003
[rolls tongue]
468
00:18:06,066 --> 00:18:06,966
You know who this is?
469
00:18:07,033 --> 00:18:08,133
Antwone Fisher.
470
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:09,270
He's still here.
471
00:18:09,333 --> 00:18:10,503
He's still standing.
472
00:18:10,566 --> 00:18:11,766
He's still strong!
473
00:18:11,833 --> 00:18:13,003
Just like America!
474
00:18:13,066 --> 00:18:14,496
Antwone, take a bow!
475
00:18:16,066 --> 00:18:17,296
Some brave teachers.
476
00:18:17,366 --> 00:18:18,426
Big up to you, teachers.
477
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:20,500
There's a milkman in the house.
478
00:18:20,566 --> 00:18:21,666
What's popping?
479
00:18:21,733 --> 00:18:23,603
Rock steady crew's in the house.
480
00:18:23,666 --> 00:18:25,426
Crazy legs. What's up, my nigger?
481
00:18:25,476 --> 00:18:30,026
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