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1
00:00:03,680 --> 00:00:06,280
Thank you for clicking on this link.
2
00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:09,400
You are using the internet
to view pornography.
3
00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:13,000
Would you like your wife
and children to find out about this?
4
00:00:13,000 --> 00:00:14,480
Of course you wouldn't.
5
00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:18,280
You can stop this happening
by sending just $3,000,
6
00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:20,160
paid in Bitcoin to...
7
00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:21,200
Hold on.
8
00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:23,720
This is dodgy.
9
00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:26,760
What's the problem, Steven?
This is blackmail.
10
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:32,160
Some cyber-snoop, blackmailing poor
chaps innocently browsing porn.
11
00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:35,080
So? Well, blackmail's illegal.
12
00:00:35,080 --> 00:00:37,480
Steven, this is Clem Fandango,
can you hear me?
13
00:00:37,480 --> 00:00:40,120
OK, handsome has come
as the Milk Tray man.
14
00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:43,880
I'm referring to the rope. You're
not going to hang yourself, are you?
15
00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:47,320
It's for slack rope walking.
We do it most Wednesday afternoons.
16
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,040
Slack what? Slack Alice, more like.
17
00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:50,160
Ha!
18
00:00:53,760 --> 00:00:55,120
No, we just head to the park,
19
00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:58,320
sling a rope between a couple
of trees a few feet off the ground.
20
00:00:58,320 --> 00:01:01,360
It's like tightrope walking
but low risk and bouncier.
21
00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:03,080
Hang on a second.
22
00:01:03,080 --> 00:01:07,080
What if someone susses
that it's my voice threatening these poor unfortunates?
23
00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:09,400
As long as they don't see your face,
I think you'll be fine, Steven.
24
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:12,240
Oh, right, so you're a lawyer now,
are you, as well as an acrobat?
25
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:15,360
Honestly, Steven, relax.
It's all above board.
26
00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:17,720
Is there CCTV in here?
BOTH: Yes.
27
00:01:17,720 --> 00:01:20,760
Well, then, I'm off,
I'm not doing this.
28
00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:23,400
I'm not going to jail
for you two prats.
29
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:26,400
LA prisons are crowded enough
as it is, with all the robberies
30
00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:29,400
and murders and... Kidnappings.
Kidnappings, exactly.
31
00:01:29,400 --> 00:01:32,040
If you don't finish the job, though,
Steven, the client won't pay.
32
00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,400
I couldn't give a fuck's house
and do you know why?
33
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:37,760
Because today is my first day
on the new Star Wars movie.
34
00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:39,080
Mm. Yeah, sure.
35
00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:43,280
Yeah? And I know it'll open
plenty of doors for moi.
36
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:48,200
So, there's a fair chance this
could be my last ever voice-over.
37
00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:49,760
That'd be such a shame.
38
00:01:49,760 --> 00:01:52,000
I mean, it's always been so great
working with you, Steven,
39
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:53,640
hasn't it, Clem? Sure has, yeah.
40
00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:56,520
You two are so full of shit
your eyes are turning brown.
41
00:01:56,520 --> 00:02:00,120
You despise me nearly
as much as I do you. Yeah?
42
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,240
You can stick your voice-overs
up your ponies
43
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:04,720
because you'll never see me again.
44
00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:10,000
Stay safe out there, Steven.
45
00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:16,840
MUFFLED CHEERING
46
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:21,680
GUNSHOT SOUND
47
00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:24,200
MUSIC: Take My Hand
by Matt Berry
48
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:28,840
♪ Ba-ba-ba
49
00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:31,040
{\an8}# Ba-ba, ba-ba-ba
50
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:32,720
{\an8}# Ba-ba-ba-ba
51
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,600
{\an8}# Ba-ba, ba-ba-ba
52
00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:45,400
♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba
53
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,720
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba
54
00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:51,120
♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba-ba
55
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,680
♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba. ♪
56
00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:58,560
When I met him two weeks ago,
he seemed totally fine.
57
00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:01,600
How can someone just suddenly die?
58
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:04,080
Who are you talking about?
My friend, Kelsey Perfume.
59
00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:05,880
He dropped dead last week.
60
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:11,720
If they got to him, then that means
they might soon be onto me.
61
00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:15,640
I don't care about any of that. I'm
filming Star Wars today, finally.
62
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:18,160
My car should be here at any moment.
63
00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:21,720
Toast, what's your fake name? What?
64
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:24,680
If a cop stops you for something,
what name do you give them?
65
00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:28,800
Well, my own name, of course. No,
man, always give them a fake name.
66
00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:30,760
I've got a couple that I use.
Like what?
67
00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:33,320
Frank Succession. Tycoon Lancaster.
68
00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:35,600
Jesus Bond. Russ Nightlife.
69
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:37,760
August Burdock. Clint Legal.
70
00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:40,760
You just said Russ Nightlife. Did I?
71
00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:44,200
Yes. Is your real name not
Russ Nightlife?
72
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:45,880
SCOFFS
Sure it is.
73
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:49,680
Is your real name Steven Toast?
74
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:52,920
Yes, of course. Yeah. Sure.
75
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,800
Where the hell is my car?
76
00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:58,040
Maybe you should call them.
77
00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:01,560
LOUD, VIDEOGAME-STYLE BEEPING
78
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:05,640
Hello, you're talking to Sorry.
79
00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:08,560
I use the pronouns
She, Her and Here.
80
00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:10,360
I'm one of the production
coordinators
81
00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:12,280
on the new Star Wars movie,
Force The Wind.
82
00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:14,080
How may I help you today?
83
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:18,440
What's your name, sorry? Sorry,
yes, that is my name. Sorry Johnson.
84
00:04:18,440 --> 00:04:20,800
Johnson, no. My name's Toast.
85
00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:23,960
Look, I'm one of the main actors
in the film you're shooting today.
86
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,640
Where's my car?
87
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:29,360
Um, so we're not exactly sure
when that would be.
88
00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:32,000
Things are a little uncertain
right now due to the producers
89
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,880
trying to co-ordinate
an onset visit
90
00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:37,920
by Her Royal Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II of England.
91
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:39,680
The Queen, you say? Yes.
92
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:43,480
I have your phone number
on file right here, Stuart,
93
00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:45,720
I can give you a call
when we have more information.
94
00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:47,400
It's Steven.
95
00:04:47,400 --> 00:04:50,080
Ah, well, things have gone
a little more complicated.
96
00:04:50,080 --> 00:04:53,960
The Queen is due to visit set.
Who gives a shit?
97
00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:57,320
Well, I've never met the Queen.
98
00:04:57,320 --> 00:04:59,400
I once had a brief affair with
her late sister,
99
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:02,920
the Princess Margaret,
but she was a handful.
100
00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:04,440
I'll have a cappuccino.
101
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,640
You what? You asked me
if I wanted a coffee.
102
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:07,960
No, I didn't.
103
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:10,440
Yeah, you said you'd walk over
to the new coffee place
104
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,000
just around the corner.
105
00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:14,240
No, I didn't.
I'm waiting for my car.
106
00:05:14,240 --> 00:05:15,720
I couldn't help but notice, Toast,
107
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:18,600
that you're a little late with
the rent this month.
108
00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:20,960
♪ Fuck you, Nightlife,
do your own task
109
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,520
♪ I'm a private jet,
you're economy class
110
00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:25,880
♪ Suck my titties,
I'll smoke your grass
111
00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:29,440
♪ You'll be losing your mind
when you're eating this ass. ♪
112
00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:34,280
I'm sorry, what was that?
Nothing.
113
00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:46,880
How long will this take? Uh, no,
I don't know, it's a new joint.
114
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,040
I'm guessing it's real busy.
115
00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:50,120
Ohh!
116
00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:52,720
MUFFLED: What the fuck do you think
you're doing?
117
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,040
MUFFLED SHOUTS
118
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:59,040
OK, buddy,
everything's going to be just fine.
119
00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:00,480
Take his hood off.
120
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:04,840
Listen, before we cut off your ear,
121
00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:06,880
I want you to call your family
122
00:06:06,880 --> 00:06:08,200
and tell them what's happened.
123
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:11,600
A, I don't have a family.
Hey, Tom, I don't...
124
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:13,440
Will you shut up, Wallace?
125
00:06:13,440 --> 00:06:18,160
We're on a tight schedule, remember?
But I... What the hell is it, man?
126
00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,440
I don't think this is him.
127
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,760
I think we've got the wrong guy.
You what?
128
00:06:25,560 --> 00:06:26,840
Oh, Jesus Christ!
129
00:06:32,480 --> 00:06:34,920
Is this a moving truck?
Let's get him out of here.
130
00:06:36,440 --> 00:06:38,200
What the...? Whoa!
131
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:40,840
CAR HORNS BEEP
132
00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:49,240
Forgive me for taking a while,
133
00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:52,440
but I was the victim
of an intended kidnapping.
134
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:54,000
Oh.
135
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,600
The crimewave in this town
is getting ridiculous.
136
00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:59,960
Why are you eating newspaper? I eat
newspaper when I'm anxious.
137
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:02,040
Why? What am I, a shrink?
138
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:04,920
I'm nervous about Kelsey Perfume.
139
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:08,360
They got him, they're going to come
for me next. It just doesn't add up.
140
00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:11,880
He was a fit guy, couldn't have been
more than 70, 80 years old.
141
00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:13,760
You don't just drop dead like that.
142
00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:17,160
Well, he was no spring chicken.
Chicken? What?
143
00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:21,160
They say he had a lot of enemies
in the San Francisco Mafia,
144
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:24,240
especially after he took a shit
on Tony de Bruzzio's doorstep.
145
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:27,200
But I don't think it was the mob
that got to him.
146
00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:29,440
I think it was the feds.
147
00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:30,600
PHONE RINGS
148
00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,400
Hey, will you get that, Toast?
149
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:33,600
Quickly. All right.
150
00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:41,360
Hello. Hello, Mr Steven Toast?
151
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,760
Sorry, I need to give you
some information.
152
00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:47,400
Sorry, who is this?
I am Sorry. What, why?
153
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,480
I'm Sorry,
from the production office.
154
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:55,480
Right. Sorry, yes.
Now I understand. Where's my car?
155
00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:58,760
OK, so, unfortunately, we won't be
getting to your scene today.
156
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:00,000
You what?
157
00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:19,160
Something happen?
158
00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:22,080
They say they won't get around
to shooting my scene today.
159
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:26,160
Do you know where Billy is? No.
160
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:29,960
She's been acting real odd,
asking loads of questions.
161
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:31,480
Googling stuff on her LA P-top.
162
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:33,680
Don't you mean laptop?
163
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:39,360
I thought they were called LA P-tops
because they were invented in LA.
164
00:08:39,360 --> 00:08:42,160
No, they're called laptops
because they go on your lap.
165
00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:46,160
I thought I heard Billy on the phone
last week speaking English.
166
00:08:46,160 --> 00:08:47,760
Did you hear that?
167
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,240
No.
168
00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:52,880
I mean, she could have picked it up
from somebody. What?
169
00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:55,960
You don't just pick up English
by hearing someone speak it.
170
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:57,560
You have to learn it from books.
171
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:05,560
If you hear her speaking English...
you tell me, all right? OK.
172
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:08,000
I'm going out.
Yeah, I gathered that.
173
00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:11,560
Hang on,
you never leave the apartment.
174
00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,800
I want to see if I can find out more
about what happened
175
00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:15,360
to Kelsey Perfume.
176
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:27,640
Jane? Morning, Toast.
Or whatever time it is there.
177
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,080
Why are you calling me, Jane?
178
00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:32,520
Just to wish you all
the best for the Star Wars shoot.
179
00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:34,320
I sent a bottle of whisky to the set
180
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:37,680
for you to enjoy with your new
Tinseltown friends.
181
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:40,720
Right. But, just remember,
drink sensibly.
182
00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:41,960
SCRAPING NOISE
Hold on, Jane.
183
00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:49,320
And, whatever you do,
don't mess this up.
184
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:51,920
Sorry, Jane, I've got to go.
185
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:55,920
GRUNTS
186
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,680
Bloody hell, a coffin?
187
00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:02,960
Yeah. Give me a hand opening it up.
188
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,120
I'm not touching that.
189
00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,080
All right, we're coming in, Kelsey.
190
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:12,960
Jesus. I wonder what he found
so funny.
191
00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:16,720
Ugh.
192
00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:19,960
Nope, I don't see any sign
of foul play there.
193
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,160
I guess I overreacted.
194
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:35,680
RUSS HUMS A TUNE
195
00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:44,000
You know, Toast,
we've got to rebury Kelsey.
196
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:45,920
Can't have a body in the apartment.
197
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,280
I mean, imagine
if the feds found it, right?
198
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,360
If you think I'm going
to rebury this coffin,
199
00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:52,320
then you've got another think
coming.
200
00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:57,400
You know, I wonder
if I would talk that way
201
00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:00,400
if I owed someone $6,000 in rent.
202
00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:05,240
All right.
203
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:13,880
There. What was so bad about that?
204
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:17,160
You're a fucking lunatic, Nightlife.
205
00:11:17,160 --> 00:11:20,080
I can't wait for my Star Wars film
to smash.
206
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,720
Then I'll move out of your nuthouse
207
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:24,360
and into a massive mansion
in the Hollywood Hills.
208
00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:27,480
MUFFLED SHOUTS
209
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,720
It's me again, you fucking morons.
210
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:39,320
You've got to be fucking kidding me.
Again?
211
00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:41,840
You two pricks need to let me out,
now.
212
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:47,160
CAR HORNS BLARE
213
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:50,840
Whoa!
TYRES SCREECH
214
00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:56,760
INNER MONOLOGUE:
This is no way to prepare
215
00:11:56,760 --> 00:12:00,400
for my role in a major science
fiction motion picture franchise.
216
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:03,200
I'm going to need a new jacket.
217
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:36,920
Shit.
218
00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:48,400
Jesus.
219
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:54,680
A parachute?
220
00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:56,840
What the...?
221
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,920
PHONE RINGS
222
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:22,600
PHONE CONTINUES TO RING
223
00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:26,880
Hello?
224
00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:28,400
Toast, it's Ed.
225
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:32,240
Listen, I've just seen a fascinating
documentary on the BBC.
226
00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:34,640
It's about a criminal
who hijacked an aeroplane,
227
00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:37,400
threatened to blow it up,
got loads of ransom money,
228
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,960
then jumped out of the plane
never to be seen again.
229
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:44,640
Reminded me very much of your
strange roommate, Russ Nightlife.
230
00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:46,320
Well, that is fascinating, Ed.
231
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:49,720
Tell me, did he have an accomplice
named Kelsey Perfume?
232
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:50,880
No.
233
00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:53,720
Well, then, it's the mob.
What's that?
234
00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:55,200
Hold on.
235
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,000
What the hell, Billy?
236
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:58,400
Toast, I didn't think you'd be here,
237
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:01,040
you're supposed to be on the
movie set. What is your name, sir?
238
00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:03,280
Jesus Bond.
239
00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:06,000
It's OK, John, he's not a suspect.
240
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:09,760
He's a British actor who's here to
star in the latest Star Wars movie.
241
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:11,280
Yeah, sure.
242
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:14,040
Look, I feel pretty stressed.
What's this about?
243
00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:16,240
Look, Toast, I haven't been
completely honest with you.
244
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:18,680
I'm actually an undercover agent
with the FBI. You're a what?
245
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:21,800
We suspect Russ Nightlife - that's
not his real name, by the way -
246
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:24,440
is actually involved in
a major criminal incident. Really?
247
00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:25,680
We don't have much evidence,
248
00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:28,360
but he did use a fake ID
at a liquor store downtown.
249
00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:30,440
OK. We're going to bring him
in for questioning.
250
00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:32,560
I always said he was bloody odd.
251
00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:35,040
Talking of clear evidence,
I don't know if this will be of any
252
00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:38,640
use to you, but I've just been in
his bedroom and I found a parachute...
253
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:42,440
You what? ..a briefcase full
of rolled-up banknotes... Really?
254
00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:46,760
..a newspaper report indicating that
he'd hijacked an aeroplane... OK.
255
00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:50,200
..a gun and 50 rounds
of ammunition. We got him!
256
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,400
Whoa, whoa, whoa, stay right there.
257
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,960
ED: Toast?
What exactly is happening there?
258
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:59,520
Sorry, Ed, I didn't realise
you were still on the line.
259
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:01,080
I can't talk now, we'll speak soon.
260
00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:02,360
Why isn't Billy in trouble?
261
00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:03,960
PHONE RINGS
You speak English?
262
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:06,360
What? Toast, it's Blair.
263
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:08,960
I need to talk to you about
that money that you owe me.
264
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,800
BEEP, DIAL TONE
Toast?
265
00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:13,480
Toast, just to inform you,
your apartment's now a crime scene,
266
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:16,200
so you're going to have to scram for
a few days. You got somewhere to go?
267
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:19,280
I want to talk to my lawyer.
I suppose they could put me up in a fancy hotel.
268
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:20,880
Who? The Star Wars people.
269
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:22,920
It's the entire reason why
I'm in LA,
270
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,240
I'm starring in the new
Star Wars movie.
271
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:27,840
Yeah, sure.
272
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:29,480
I suppose I could go for a stroll.
273
00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:33,240
Nobody just goes for a stroll in LA,
especially not during a crimewave.
274
00:15:33,240 --> 00:15:35,160
I'll be fine. I'm a big enough boy.
275
00:15:36,440 --> 00:15:37,720
Hey, Toast.
276
00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,800
Good luck.
277
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:45,680
Thanks, Billy. I'm not Billy.
My real name is Millie.
278
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:49,440
Nothing is ever as it appears
in this crazy old town
279
00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:50,520
they call Tinsel.
280
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:52,880
Tinseltown.
281
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:55,640
Good luck, Millie.
282
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:57,320
Bad luck, Nightlife.
283
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,760
My name is Orson.
284
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:32,200
May I see your invitation, please?
285
00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,440
I don't have one.
286
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:38,720
Though I am starring
in the new Star Wars movie.
287
00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:40,720
Yeah, sure.
288
00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,000
Come in anyway.
289
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:46,800
I, too, am an actor by profession.
290
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:52,240
I've also dabbled in direction
and production.
291
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:55,400
Some of my motion pictures
have won prestigious awards.
292
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:57,880
Yeah, sure.
293
00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:01,080
But, last year...
HE CHUCKLES
294
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:02,920
..I discovered wine.
295
00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:05,360
And it's pretty much
taken over my life.
296
00:17:05,360 --> 00:17:09,080
I should say it has.
I take it you drink wine?
297
00:17:09,080 --> 00:17:11,960
Right now, my friend,
I'd drink anything.
298
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:17,440
Try some deux mille dix-sept Patient
Cottat Anciennes Vignes Sancerre.
299
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:18,680
Good Lord, is that wine?
300
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:20,960
Yes, it is.
301
00:17:28,640 --> 00:17:31,200
Just spit it onto the floor,
I'll clean it up later.
302
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:36,560
Have some more.
In for a penny...
303
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:38,720
That's a Bandol Rouge.
304
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,280
It's an excellent vintage.
305
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,760
I say, any chance
I can swallow some of this?
306
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:46,680
I did actually come in here
for a drink.
307
00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:49,320
Oh.
I should have mentioned earlier,
308
00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:52,600
we also have another British actor
here with us today.
309
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:53,960
Would you care to meet him?
310
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:58,400
You've what? I say, sir,
you in the white safari suit.
311
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,560
White suit?
312
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:03,040
Well, that could only be one man.
313
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:11,040
Ray bloody Purchase.
314
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:13,640
Steven Gonville Toast.
315
00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:17,360
Well, well, well.
316
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:21,480
I should have known.
317
00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:24,880
Couldn't resist the offer of
free booze, could you, Toast?
318
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:27,320
I thought I'd seen you around town.
319
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:29,640
What are you doing here,
you cheap bastard?
320
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:30,760
Last time I did see you,
321
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:33,800
you were flying through
the window of a London club.
322
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:35,760
Why aren't your legs broken?
323
00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:39,520
I have particularly rubbery legs.
They don't break easily.
324
00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:41,520
Meh. Eh.
325
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:43,880
What are you doing in Los Angeles?
326
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:47,400
I have acquired the best agent
in Hollywood, Toast.
327
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,000
And I'm actually working -
unlike you,
328
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,840
judging by the state of your jacket.
329
00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:57,760
Fellows, would you mind if I filmed
something for our website
330
00:18:57,760 --> 00:19:01,480
of you two gentlemen
enjoying our wine?
331
00:19:01,480 --> 00:19:06,600
Why not?
The Bandol Rouge is sensational.
332
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:09,960
Oh, and, Toast, you get
a drop of wine on my holiday suit,
333
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,440
I will send you the bill.
334
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:13,560
Right, let's get on with it.
Ready.
335
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:15,400
Enjoy the wine.
336
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:20,000
Wonderful. This is
the Riserva Chianti, from Italy.
337
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,800
GARGLES, MAKES POPPING NOISES
338
00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:26,680
20 years old.
339
00:19:26,680 --> 00:19:27,800
Beautiful.
340
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:32,600
Keep going, drink more.
This is the Chateau Angludet.
341
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:35,160
Riserva Chianti, 1974.
342
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:42,280
Yeah, savour the flavours.
343
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:45,120
Peaches, bergamot,
vineyards of ecstasy.
344
00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:47,480
SPITS AND EXHALES
345
00:19:50,800 --> 00:19:52,280
What's next?
346
00:19:52,280 --> 00:19:54,680
Chateau Lafite. Cheers.
347
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,600
1941.
348
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,320
A day without wine
is a day without sun.
349
00:20:04,320 --> 00:20:06,800
Time is a thief to fortune.
350
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,440
What can one say?
351
00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:13,520
BELCHES
352
00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:18,000
I've got a bit of a taste
for this now.
353
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:19,280
BELCHES
354
00:20:20,440 --> 00:20:22,920
I can't get enough of that.
355
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:23,960
Superb.
356
00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:26,640
GLASS SMASHES
357
00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,760
Gentlemen, my time here is done.
358
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:31,000
You're going? All right.
359
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:32,640
Hold your horses.
360
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:43,920
LAUGHING
361
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:47,360
LAUGHING
362
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:54,960
COUGHS AND LAUGHS
363
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,160
PHONE RINGS
Hold on, phone.
364
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,000
Toast.
365
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:00,920
Good afternoon, my name is Sorry,
366
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:03,160
I'm one of the production
coordinators
367
00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:04,680
on the new Star Wars movie...
368
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:07,040
Yes, I know. ..Force The Wind.
369
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:10,760
Yes, I know.
We need you on set in half an hour.
370
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:14,840
Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
of England is visiting us
371
00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:18,280
during her trip to LA and
we've had to change things around.
372
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:20,440
Half an hour? Yes.
373
00:21:20,440 --> 00:21:22,960
And would you be able to make
your own way out here?
374
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,920
All of our drivers are busy
at the moment.
375
00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:29,520
Thanks for everything, Orson.
376
00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:34,320
Taxi!
377
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:42,280
It's me. I'm here.
378
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:45,880
Excuse me, who are you, sir? Steven
Toast. Are you...? Oh, I'm Sorry.
379
00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:50,280
Well, so you bloody should be.
The taxi cost me $150.
380
00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:51,400
Now, where am I going?
381
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:55,400
Excuse me, Mr Toast, um,
you haven't been drinking, have you?
382
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:58,960
Well, I might have had a couple
of glasses of Bandol Rouge.
383
00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:01,480
But I'm as sober as a judge
and ready for action.
384
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:05,720
OK. Um, just looking at the schedule
here, um, yeah,
385
00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:07,960
things are still a little disrupted
due to the
386
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:11,800
visit of Her Majesty the Queen
of England to the set. Right.
387
00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:15,640
However, our updated schedule
tells me that you will be needed,
388
00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:18,240
uh, let me see...
389
00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:22,280
Yes, 7:30.
390
00:22:23,400 --> 00:22:24,600
That's five hours away.
391
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:29,920
Well, it's actually 7:30am,
so that is 17 hours away.
392
00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:33,680
17 hours. What the hell
am I going to do for 17 hours?
393
00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:37,480
Oh, that's your trailer right there,
you can hang out, if you want.
394
00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:39,720
Oh, God. Amazing, thank you, Stuart.
395
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:41,320
Stuart? It's Steven.
396
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,080
Uh, Mr Toast? Yeah, yeah!
397
00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:12,480
Mr Toast, um, I'm afraid there's
been another change to the schedule.
398
00:23:12,480 --> 00:23:14,360
Oh, not again. What time is it?
399
00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:15,840
It's 4:40pm
400
00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:20,120
and your on-set time has been
brought forward by 15 hours.
401
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:22,160
So when am I on? Now.
402
00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:24,320
Shit.
403
00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:27,800
Oh, my God. This is our producer,
Mr Doobla-Decca.
404
00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:30,280
He'd like to discuss
what he wants from you today.
405
00:23:30,280 --> 00:23:33,760
Ah, we meet at last.
Steven Toast. Neil.
406
00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:38,000
It is a huge honour to be part
of the Star Wars canon.
407
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:41,000
I am your obedient servant.
408
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:43,040
No, my name is Neil.
409
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,760
Neil Doobla-Decca.
There's really no need to...
410
00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:47,800
Neil? Oh, forgive me,
I misunderstood.
411
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:50,360
Apologies, Steven, that's
our director, Hawk Fahrenheit.
412
00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:52,200
He wants a word. I'll be right back.
413
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:55,480
I think the Queen's arrived.
414
00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:58,240
Sorry. Yes?
415
00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:02,280
I was talking to Toast. Her Majesty
the Queen has just arrived.
416
00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:04,880
We told her there's a Brit on set
today and she's keen to meet him.
417
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,760
Fantastic. Now, has anybody
told you about your role?
418
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:10,040
No, no, I don't know anything.
I haven't even read a script.
419
00:24:10,040 --> 00:24:13,520
OK, well, uh,
Hawk will run it through with you.
420
00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:16,080
Jesus.
421
00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:17,640
What's that smell?
422
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:19,280
It's like gasoline.
423
00:24:19,280 --> 00:24:23,520
Sorry? Yes. Can you get a script
for Steven? Absolutely.
424
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:27,040
Um, you know I'm so exc...
I can't wait to do this.
425
00:24:27,040 --> 00:24:30,400
Pretty cool to be part
of a Star Wars movie, right?
426
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:33,560
INNER MONOLOGUE: At last,
I've made it. I've bloody made it.
427
00:24:33,560 --> 00:24:36,720
This is the best moment of my life.
428
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:40,560
USING RING MODULATOR:
And I will destroy you
429
00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:43,480
and all the people from your planet
430
00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:48,160
when I release a big wind
to blow you all away.
431
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:49,880
Force the wind!
432
00:24:53,080 --> 00:24:55,800
Die, you tyrant!
Good will always conquer evil.
433
00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:57,760
DISTORTED VOICE: No!
434
00:24:57,760 --> 00:24:58,880
Ray bloody Purchase?
435
00:25:07,520 --> 00:25:09,560
Cut. That was great.
436
00:25:10,680 --> 00:25:14,840
Uh, Mr Toast? Hi, our producer,
Mr Neil Doobla-Decca, thought
437
00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:18,640
he could smell alcohol on your
breath, so he'd like you to return
438
00:25:18,640 --> 00:25:21,600
to your trailer until the Queen
of England says her goodbyes
439
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:22,960
and leaves the set.
440
00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:24,280
What? Thank you.
441
00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:27,240
APPLAUSE, FANFARE PLAYS
442
00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:30,320
Lovely to meet you.
443
00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:32,440
INDISTINCT
444
00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:41,280
Um, this is your only scene
in the movie, right?
445
00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:42,520
My only scene in the movie?
446
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:46,160
Of course not. Yeah, I think
it's just that one line.
447
00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:47,960
Thank you, Stuart.
448
00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:51,240
Ah, Toast.
449
00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:53,520
Look a bit rough.
450
00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:55,120
Didn't drink all that wine, did you?
451
00:25:55,120 --> 00:25:57,040
You do know
you're supposed to spit it out?
452
00:25:57,040 --> 00:26:00,000
Very amateurish.
Very unprofessional.
453
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:03,320
Toast of Tinseltown, it's actually
got quite a tragic ring to it,
454
00:26:03,320 --> 00:26:04,960
don't you think?
455
00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:06,800
You total prick!
456
00:26:12,160 --> 00:26:14,800
This is the worst moment of my life.
457
00:26:18,240 --> 00:26:20,680
MUFFLED SHOUTS
458
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:26,160
OK, Wallace,
459
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:30,480
this better be the new star of the
latest Star Wars movie franchise,
460
00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:33,560
from which we can make over
a million dollars in ransom cash.
461
00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:35,560
Otherwise...
462
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:39,440
Hello, again. Oh, Christ.
463
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:44,520
♪ Ray! ♪
464
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:50,760
You need to get rid of him.
Take him on the freeway again? No.
465
00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:54,640
I mean get rid of him for good.
Like, permanently.
466
00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:58,760
You really are a couple
of soppy pricks. Shut up.
467
00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:03,600
So you want me to... You know what?
468
00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:05,000
I'll deal with this myself.
469
00:27:06,360 --> 00:27:07,720
Ah, shit.
GUN COCKS
470
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:19,720
♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba ba-ba
471
00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:41,960
♪ Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba. ♪
472
00:27:42,010 --> 00:27:46,560
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