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1
00:00:07,925 --> 00:00:09,194
Congratulations, Madam President.
2
00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:11,301
Thank you. It's very exciting.
Yes, we're thrilled.
3
00:00:11,428 --> 00:00:14,796
The woman who freed Tibet is finally
getting her Nobel Peace Prize.
4
00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:16,973
Technically, not a Peace Prize, ma'am.
5
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:18,807
You've won the Summit Peace Award
6
00:00:18,894 --> 00:00:21,102
of the World Summit
of Nobel Peace Laureates.
7
00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:22,788
It's kind of like
the Peace Prize Junior.
8
00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:24,876
The American voters
don't know the difference,
9
00:00:24,900 --> 00:00:26,357
and, frankly, neither do I.
10
00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:29,130
Ma'am, I'm headed back to the hotel
to work on your acceptance speech.
11
00:00:29,154 --> 00:00:30,994
Okay, I don't know what
that's a euphemism for,
12
00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:34,236
but, Leon, you need to
really lay it on thick.
13
00:00:34,326 --> 00:00:37,114
- Okay? Tibet, Tibet, Tibet.
- You bet, you bet, you bet.
14
00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:39,036
I wanna sound like Bono
trying to impress
15
00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:40,704
his own reflection in the mirror.
16
00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:42,748
- I understand.
- Yeah. Good.
17
00:00:42,834 --> 00:00:45,372
Hey. Was that Colonel Al-Saleh,
18
00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:47,875
the Butcher of Juba, back there
by the carving station?
19
00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:50,566
The Nobel people don't ask too
many questions if you buy a table.
20
00:00:50,634 --> 00:00:53,238
Ma'am, at this point, they're just
trying to avoid losing the building.
21
00:00:53,262 --> 00:00:55,845
My Nobel Prize really makes the point
22
00:00:55,931 --> 00:00:59,345
that I've got way more foreign policy
experience than that half-wit Kemi.
23
00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:01,221
I think it's pronounced "half-white."
24
00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:03,268
Well, "tomato, mulatto."
25
00:01:03,355 --> 00:01:05,792
Hey, ma'am, Catherine and Marjorie's
wedding is in three weeks,
26
00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:07,227
and her and her wedding planner...
27
00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:09,559
Okay, can you just say you?
You and Catherine.
28
00:01:09,653 --> 00:01:12,340
We're a little concerned about sitting
you next to Marjorie's shaman.
29
00:01:12,364 --> 00:01:14,276
- Hello!
- Congratulations, Mom.
30
00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:15,652
Thank you very much.
31
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:18,576
So, I understand we're having
some sort of a seating issue?
32
00:01:18,662 --> 00:01:20,654
Whatever you gals want is fine by me
33
00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,158
as long as someone lets me have
34
00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:24,352
mini-vegan pigs in gluten-free
blankets at the reception.
35
00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:26,368
- Oh, God.
- Listen, darling,
36
00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:29,120
why don't you get married
over here in Europe?
37
00:01:29,214 --> 00:01:32,252
Because without
an American marriage license,
38
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:35,669
U.S. community property laws
do not apply, my darling.
39
00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:37,657
- Marjorie is my soul mate forever.
- That's fine.
40
00:01:37,681 --> 00:01:39,117
I don't know why you
would bring this up...
41
00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:40,598
You and your maid of honor here
42
00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:43,472
can sit me next to
whatever Injun Joe you want.
43
00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:45,056
It's your special day, so...
44
00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:46,934
- Thank you, Mother.
- You're welcome.
45
00:01:47,566 --> 00:01:49,808
- I don't have a drink.
- I'll get it.
46
00:01:50,027 --> 00:01:55,318
Um, when am I getting my meeting with
President Lu about the Montez stuff?
47
00:01:55,407 --> 00:01:57,447
- Oh, I can't hear you.
- Legally not present.
48
00:01:57,534 --> 00:02:03,075
Guys, listen. I just need to get in
a room with Lu, one-on-one,
49
00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:05,703
so I can change his mind
about supporting me for president.
50
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:07,954
Face-to-face, I can
convince anyone of anything.
51
00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:09,188
- That's not true.
- Incorrect.
52
00:02:09,212 --> 00:02:10,212
You're both wrong.
53
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:11,754
- Well, you're right.
- Okay?
54
00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,672
Ma'am, Lu's people
have been Great-Walling us.
55
00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:15,320
I don't think they're
anxious to meet with you.
56
00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:16,738
That's why I brought along some bait.
57
00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:17,798
- Selina!
- Minna!
58
00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:19,761
Oh, Minna!
59
00:02:20,682 --> 00:02:24,426
Lu developed a real hankering for
Finnish furburger back at Camp David.
60
00:02:24,519 --> 00:02:26,636
He eye-fucked her so bad
he got retinal herpes.
61
00:02:26,730 --> 00:02:27,730
Minna!
62
00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:29,225
- Selina!
- Oh...
63
00:02:30,025 --> 00:02:31,891
- I don't get the attraction.
- Oh, I do.
64
00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:38,319
So, my last three lovers,
they are complaining
65
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:41,116
that my naughty talk
is both incessant and soporific.
66
00:02:41,203 --> 00:02:43,160
Maybe you should let them choke you.
67
00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:45,600
You think they would rather choke me
than listen to me talk?
68
00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,286
I can only speak for myself.
69
00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:49,163
You know, where is Lu?
70
00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:51,619
- Selina Meyer!
- Murman!
71
00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:55,002
Oh, my gosh,
I didn't know you were still alive.
72
00:02:55,092 --> 00:02:57,880
The Russians reinstalled me
when they invaded Georgia.
73
00:02:57,969 --> 00:02:59,489
- Oh, good for you.
- Huh! Factory reboot.
74
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:02,096
Beep-boop-beep-beep-boop.
75
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:03,423
A bit of personal news.
76
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:06,260
I recently bought
an English football club.
77
00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:07,844
- Oh, wonderful!
- Leeds United.
78
00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:10,351
No English players,
so pretty good team.
79
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:12,853
- Oh.
- Selina, crazy idea I have.
80
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:15,939
What if I gave you money
to help you win your election?
81
00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:21,575
America does not stand for
foreign interference in our elections!
82
00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:23,721
- Who do you think that I am?
- Yes, of course. Of course.
83
00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:25,973
- I mean, it's an outrage!
- Yeah, yeah. New topic. New topic.
84
00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:29,661
I want to buy your
Palm Beach house for $114 million.
85
00:03:29,751 --> 00:03:32,368
Well, needless to say,
real estate is a different animal.
86
00:03:32,462 --> 00:03:33,815
They're not making
any more of it, right?
87
00:03:33,839 --> 00:03:35,455
Everybody's gotta live somewhere.
88
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:38,417
I'd rather deal with the Russian mob
than with those real estate people.
89
00:03:38,510 --> 00:03:40,697
Well, it's because they're unethical,
that's what they are.
90
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,281
Because they are working
on commissions.
91
00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:43,838
Yes! 6%.
92
00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:45,076
It's abject greed, in my view.
93
00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:47,592
- And I...
- The $114 million would be wired
94
00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:49,678
from the Seychelles to Malta,
95
00:03:49,771 --> 00:03:52,354
then back to the Seychelles,
and then to you.
96
00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:54,808
I'm very flattered,
Murman, I really am,
97
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:57,268
but your timing is horrendous.
98
00:03:57,529 --> 00:04:00,488
To live is to suffer, Selina.
The human condition.
99
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:01,735
- Yes.
- Ha!
100
00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:03,345
- White people problems, right?
- Okay.
101
00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:06,695
Thank you. Thank you, Murman.
102
00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:08,558
You were right, ma'am.
103
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:11,165
Lu's looking for the tickee
in someone's shirtee.
104
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,412
What's the word, Minna?
105
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:15,620
President Lu will meet you
in the West Salon in ten minutes.
106
00:04:15,714 --> 00:04:18,457
- He seems quite excited.
- Yeah, we could see that from here.
107
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:21,088
- Keith.
- Oh, hi.
108
00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:23,261
- Where is Lu?
- You don't get to see Lu.
109
00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:25,303
You need to go through me,
that's how this works.
110
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:28,178
I know all about Lu's secret plan
111
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:31,181
to get President Montez
elected for a second term.
112
00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:33,308
So you go, and you tell Lu
113
00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:35,606
that I want to talk
to him directly, right now.
114
00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:38,935
You're going to do
exactly what we say.
115
00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:40,190
- I'm sorry?
- Or else,
116
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,146
we'll tell the whole world
how you vaporized
117
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,277
a DRA leader's wedding
with Hellfire missiles
118
00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:47,360
and also took a huge laser-guided shit
119
00:04:47,496 --> 00:04:49,032
all over Pakistani sovereignty...
120
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,455
Okay, A, that never happened.
121
00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:54,750
And B, that footage
is highly classified.
122
00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:57,078
It was classified,
until somebody on your staff
123
00:04:57,172 --> 00:04:59,539
clicked on
"Asian Girls Bound and Gagged."
124
00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:02,087
Oh, Ben.
125
00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:03,884
Or Kent.
126
00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:06,470
Or Leon. Oh, God.
127
00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:08,089
Or Marjorie. I mean...
128
00:05:08,558 --> 00:05:13,053
Jonah, your anti-vaccination message
is bringing together an unheard-of mix
129
00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:16,101
of Orthodox Jews,
uneducated fringe conspiracists,
130
00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:18,057
and Kombucha-douching
private school moms.
131
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,483
That's the real America.
132
00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:21,856
So, we've got three more stops
this afternoon.
133
00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:24,307
Oh, look. If we go to Kentucky,
it's gonna look like a wang.
134
00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:26,775
The Great Lakes
will be like the spooey.
135
00:05:26,868 --> 00:05:29,485
Jonah, it's your dad again.
It's like the tenth time today.
136
00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:31,704
Hey, Siri, you fuck my dad?
137
00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:33,702
I don't know
how to respond to that.
138
00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:35,374
- Typical woman.
- I know.
139
00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:36,854
- That's mine.
- Clay, come on. Let's go.
140
00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:39,621
All right. How you doing, Harrisburg!
141
00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:41,546
Yeah!
142
00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:44,751
Pennsylvania, you have
the second-lowest
143
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,802
vaccination rate in the nation,
144
00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:50,932
and when I am elected president,
you will be number one!
145
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,640
- Thank you, Pennsylvania!
- Oh!
146
00:05:54,729 --> 00:05:57,472
Thank you! All right! Yeah!
147
00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,273
Oh!
148
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,100
Oh, look at this baby. Aw.
149
00:06:02,988 --> 00:06:04,854
The menu has been an atrocity.
150
00:06:05,115 --> 00:06:06,151
The guests are vegan,
151
00:06:06,241 --> 00:06:08,281
and the president won't eat
anything without a face.
152
00:06:09,744 --> 00:06:11,235
Selina.
153
00:06:11,329 --> 00:06:13,696
I saw President Lu leaving.
Is everything all right?
154
00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:15,531
Yeah, everything's
completely fine, Minna.
155
00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:17,537
No. I can see the concern
in your eyes,
156
00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:19,163
even through all the procedures.
157
00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:20,694
What is it? Is it about the wedding?
158
00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:23,132
He told you?
159
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,798
He would not stop talking about it.
160
00:06:24,926 --> 00:06:26,713
He used the phrase
"complete atrocity."
161
00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:28,840
Complete atrocity?
162
00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:31,464
Minna, listen.
163
00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:36,390
So I droned a couple wedding civilians
164
00:06:36,479 --> 00:06:38,345
on the wrong side
of the Af-Pak border.
165
00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,459
I thought you were talking
about your daughter's wedding
166
00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:42,019
to your homosexual doppelganger.
167
00:06:43,695 --> 00:06:45,652
Yes. I was.
168
00:06:46,698 --> 00:06:47,939
Um...
169
00:06:48,491 --> 00:06:50,983
"Droned a wedding"
170
00:06:51,453 --> 00:06:54,537
is, uh, American slang for
171
00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:56,601
- "I got it, I nailed it."
- Yeah, I do not think...
172
00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:59,413
No, no, no. Really.
Like, "I droned that wedding, man!"
173
00:06:59,544 --> 00:07:01,230
I do not think that
it is slang of any kind.
174
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:03,871
Oh, I guarantee you it is.
Ask anyone here...
175
00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:06,499
Mike, we have made
176
00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:09,844
a lot of mistakes here at CBS News.
177
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,549
I know, right?
178
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:14,994
But I think you could be a big part
of turning that around.
179
00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:16,746
- Mmm-hmm.
- Okay. As a special correspondent,
180
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,247
you will be everywhere
that there's news.
181
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:19,933
And I don't think it hurts
182
00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:22,857
that you will be our
youngest correspondent, by a lot.
183
00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:24,485
Thank you, sir.
184
00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:26,047
- So we bought the
McLinTALK name...
- Uh-huh.
185
00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:27,965
...but we did not get all
the intellectual property
186
00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:28,989
from the old show. So...
187
00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:31,031
- I have intellectual property?
- Oh, yeah!
188
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:32,949
The classic
McLinTALK bits.
189
00:07:33,036 --> 00:07:36,120
I mean, uh, when your phone rings
in the middle of an interview...
190
00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:38,744
- Oh. Oh. Yeah, yeah.
- And the horrible wife?
191
00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:41,958
- She's horrible!
- A lot of that stuff,
192
00:07:42,045 --> 00:07:44,231
uh, I didn't know I was doing
until people pointed it out.
193
00:07:44,255 --> 00:07:45,791
See? Keep that sense of humor.
194
00:07:46,007 --> 00:07:47,007
Okay.
195
00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:49,459
Because pretty much everything else
is gonna change.
196
00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:52,341
Selina, you have put me
in a terrible situation.
197
00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:54,513
You have just admitted
to being a war criminal.
198
00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:58,309
Do they give Nobel Peace Prizes
to war criminals, Minna?
199
00:07:58,395 --> 00:08:01,559
All the time. Aung San Suu Kyi,
Henry Kissinger,
200
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,000
and also, the prize
that you're getting,
201
00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:04,265
it is not the Peace Prize.
202
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,964
- Oh, don't start with that!
- It is a second-tier Peace Prize.
203
00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:08,588
- No.
- It is made of very hard plastic.
204
00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:11,651
You have left me with no choice.
I must report you.
205
00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:14,529
Okay. Well, then
you've left me with no choice.
206
00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:16,286
Ha!
207
00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:17,570
That was your phone.
208
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,747
I called Interpol
before we got in the car.
209
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,208
Come on, wait up.
Hey, hey... Minna.
210
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:24,034
Just a second! Sweet Viking Christ!
211
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,586
Come on!
212
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:28,460
Just call Interpol back,
tell them that you made a mistake.
213
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:30,166
I am sorry, Selina.
214
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:32,580
I have a commitment to
the principles of truth and justice.
215
00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:35,512
As the former president
of the United States,
216
00:08:35,598 --> 00:08:38,762
truth and justice can gargle my balls.
217
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:41,265
- Move the fuck out of my way.
- Ma'am, the ICC
218
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:43,687
has issued a warrant
for your arrest for war crimes.
219
00:08:43,815 --> 00:08:46,023
Yeah. That's because
Autistic Barbie here
220
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:48,605
tattled on me over
the wedding drone strike.
221
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,982
- Which one?
- Nope. The DRA guy.
222
00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:52,472
- Which was the only one.
- Correct!
223
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,051
Secret Service says
the Norwegian police
224
00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:55,691
are all over the airport
and the hotel.
225
00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:57,680
- Seriously?
- You will be extradited to the Hague
226
00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:59,946
and imprisoned under Article VIII
of the Rome Statute.
227
00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:03,866
Selina, if you request it,
I can offer you asylum.
228
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,451
You can stay here at the embassy!
229
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:08,162
I'd just as soon stay
at an Embassy Suites.
230
00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:11,291
Ma'am, it's your only shot.
231
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:12,670
- Yeah.
- Really?
232
00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:14,887
Fine.
233
00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:16,845
I'll stay here.
234
00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:19,932
Good. Now you must
formally request asylum.
235
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,560
Yeah, I'm just gonna go.
236
00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:23,385
They can shoot me
as I make a run for it.
237
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:26,644
Fine. On behalf of the
Finnish Ambassador to Norway,
238
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:29,024
I grant you asylum.
239
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,483
She prefers the word "spa."
240
00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:36,278
Welcome to your new office,
Lieutenant Governor Splett.
241
00:09:36,451 --> 00:09:37,532
Here we go.
242
00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:42,325
Wait. What? No. This is where
you stick an unfuckable intern.
243
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:43,415
Oh, no, no, no.
244
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:45,352
When I was a summer intern
for Lieutenant Governor Plasko
245
00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:47,538
back in seventh grade,
I was in a much bigger office.
246
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:50,167
We gotta get the morbidly obese
fuck out of Iowa.
247
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:52,860
I mean, last night I tried to find
one non-chain restaurant to eat at,
248
00:09:52,884 --> 00:09:55,092
and Yelp basically told me
to go Fuddrucker myself.
249
00:09:55,178 --> 00:09:56,697
- Sounds like a settings issue.
- Okay. No.
250
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,678
Listen, we gotta get you
national, Richard. Okay?
251
00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:00,576
So that's why I've already
booked you on
McLinTALK.
252
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:01,966
And I canceled it.
253
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,593
Oh! Governor Ballentine!
254
00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:05,046
You think you're hot shit, Splett?
255
00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:06,804
First human mayor of Lurlene,
256
00:10:06,898 --> 00:10:08,959
straight to lieutenant governor
in just a few months.
257
00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:11,023
- Thank you.
- Well, now you're an ice-cold dog turd
258
00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:13,106
because you're not getting my job.
259
00:10:13,196 --> 00:10:14,858
Governor, we have
the utmost respect...
260
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,428
Save it, Manhattan Date Rape Mystery.
261
00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:19,658
Splett, I'm gonna bury you so deep
in bullshit make-work
262
00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:22,361
people are gonna forget
Iowa even has a lieutenant governor.
263
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:23,535
That shouldn't be too hard.
264
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,411
This is Michael McLintock...
265
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,418
and it's time to McLintalk
with Michael McLintock
266
00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:35,170
on CBS International...
267
00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:38,173
Yes, I'm still holding
for Secretary Doyle.
268
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,504
- Mike looks good.
- Mmm, so much better.
269
00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:43,160
What's he doing? How long does
it take to change an adult diaper?
270
00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:44,703
The Norwegian National Police
have surrounded
271
00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:46,247
the Finnish Embassy in Oslo, Norway...
272
00:10:46,312 --> 00:10:47,428
Oh, my God in heaven.
273
00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:49,058
Selina, do you hate me?
274
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,149
Minna, I'm on the phone.
275
00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:53,067
Ma'am, the White House refuses
to get involved in your situation.
276
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,213
- What?
- Although publicly,
277
00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:55,957
Montez claims to be
considering all options.
278
00:10:56,030 --> 00:10:57,925
Privately, I heard she's been
doing impressions of you
279
00:10:57,949 --> 00:10:59,218
getting broom-sticked in prison.
280
00:10:59,242 --> 00:11:01,780
Are people actually laughing
at that impression?
281
00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:02,870
- No.
- Yes.
282
00:11:02,954 --> 00:11:05,662
Is this really just about
me reporting you to the ICC?
283
00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:07,865
Yeah. How long
am I supposed to be here?
284
00:11:07,959 --> 00:11:09,871
I could be dead
before you ever get outta here.
285
00:11:09,961 --> 00:11:12,578
Well, no offense, Ben, but honestly,
that could be, like, tonight.
286
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,254
- God willing.
- I forgave you
287
00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:16,110
for not voting for me
to be the head of the IMF.
288
00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:18,501
Minna, you don't go to prison
289
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,427
when you're not the head of the IMF.
290
00:11:20,638 --> 00:11:22,630
Just the prison of unmet potential.
291
00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:24,716
Ooh! Go sit in the corner, Minna! Go!
292
00:11:24,809 --> 00:11:26,926
- Here comes the shoes!
- Sit here.
293
00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:29,979
Guys, how is this affecting
my chances at the nomination?
294
00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:33,478
You need to get in touch with
the American Ambassador to Norway.
295
00:11:33,568 --> 00:11:36,982
Norway. Ambassador Costas
was Montez's husband's chiropractor.
296
00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:39,258
Yeah, he does most of his
ambassador-ing in Orlando.
297
00:11:39,282 --> 00:11:41,114
- Okay.
- Okay, that's everything.
298
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:44,365
I have no space in this room!
299
00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:45,764
- I'll take it out.
- I cannot move!
300
00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:47,745
It's easy. We'll get it out.
301
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:53,460
Selina, can I ask just one teeny,
tiny, very small question?
302
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,047
Yeah.
303
00:11:55,131 --> 00:11:57,168
- Minna.
- Yeah.
304
00:11:57,258 --> 00:11:58,374
Yeah.
305
00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:00,425
From the bottom of my heart,
306
00:12:00,595 --> 00:12:03,713
I truly and completely forgive you.
307
00:12:04,098 --> 00:12:06,556
Now shut the living fuck up.
308
00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:08,851
I am just sorry that
I cannot forgive you
309
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,724
for killing all those innocent people.
310
00:12:10,897 --> 00:12:12,263
Get out.
311
00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:14,974
- We are sharing a room.
- No, we're not.
312
00:12:19,948 --> 00:12:20,948
Yeah.
313
00:12:21,115 --> 00:12:23,402
Streptococksucker.
314
00:12:23,493 --> 00:12:25,280
Do you have the chicken pox?
315
00:12:25,370 --> 00:12:27,236
Clay gave them to me, yell at him.
316
00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:29,037
- No, I didn't.
- Clay!
317
00:12:29,123 --> 00:12:31,866
Oh, sweet pestilent Christ.
You need to see this.
318
00:12:32,168 --> 00:12:35,286
...Disease Control is reporting
a large chicken pox outbreak
319
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:36,916
in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.
320
00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:38,838
Oh, wow.
We got out of there just in time.
321
00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:42,214
That is the eighth chicken pox
outbreak in the last week,
322
00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:44,886
all in communities
with low vaccination rates
323
00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:46,589
but no other apparent connection.
324
00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:48,766
Oh, my God, you Patient IQ Zero!
325
00:12:48,851 --> 00:12:51,719
You infected all those nutballs
who don't believe in vaccinations!
326
00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:52,813
Well, serves them right.
327
00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:54,417
Didn't you have
chicken pox as a child?
328
00:12:54,524 --> 00:12:57,483
Were you too busy bed-wetting
and cutting fuck-holes in watermelons?
329
00:12:57,568 --> 00:12:59,046
Ugh, Amy, that only works
330
00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:00,277
with fleshy melons.
331
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:02,779
- Duh.
- Yeah. And sometimes pumpkins.
332
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:04,616
- Daddy!
- Hi, Bethy.
333
00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:06,283
I'm really sorry I just showed up.
334
00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:07,661
Oh, no, no, no!
335
00:13:07,745 --> 00:13:09,431
I really wanna have a chance
to talk with you, Jonah.
336
00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:10,808
Can't you see I feel
yucky enough already?
337
00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:12,664
Jonah, I know that
you're angry with me.
338
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:16,039
I hate you so much I could walk into
a supermarket and shoot everybody.
339
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,462
It's all right to feel that way.
340
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:21,419
I just want you to know
that I love you.
341
00:13:21,718 --> 00:13:24,301
And I hope someday
you'll give me another chance.
342
00:13:26,431 --> 00:13:27,431
Okay.
343
00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:29,965
Um, I beg your pardon?
344
00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:33,969
Okay, you can be my dad.
345
00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,021
I can be what?
346
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,434
You can be my dad if you want.
347
00:13:39,527 --> 00:13:41,143
Oh, come here!
348
00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:43,024
Oh, I love you, Jonah.
349
00:13:43,114 --> 00:13:45,857
I love you too, Daddy. No homo.
350
00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:48,108
Sure. No homo.
351
00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:51,111
As we Finns say, the morning
is wiser than the evening.
352
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:52,641
Are you feeling wiser
this morning, Selina?
353
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:55,783
- Get off.
- No? I see that we are still choosing
354
00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:57,743
not to make the best of the situation.
355
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,248
I can't.
356
00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:01,171
Who ate my yogurt?
357
00:14:03,301 --> 00:14:04,883
Alleged war criminal.
358
00:14:04,969 --> 00:14:07,409
Selina, I think it would be best
for everyone if you can learn
359
00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:09,885
to follow just a few simple
embassy staff rules.
360
00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:10,974
- What?
- Number one,
361
00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:14,097
you write your name
on your food in the refrigerator.
362
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,395
- Oh, my God.
- You see here, I've written "Minna,"
363
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,393
and I have written it
with a permanent marker.
364
00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,315
Number two,
365
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:24,987
if you use a bowl or a spoon
or a plate or a cup or a jug,
366
00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:28,027
afterwards, you would
wash in the sink.
367
00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:30,494
Yeah?
368
00:14:33,456 --> 00:14:34,913
Selina, if you go to prison,
369
00:14:34,999 --> 00:14:36,991
you will not have your Gary
to clean up after you.
370
00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:38,354
- Okay, look...
- No, I'll be there.
371
00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:40,165
Ma'am, you gotta see
what's on TV. Come on.
372
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:42,587
Maybe it's time for me
to just turn myself in, Ben.
373
00:14:42,673 --> 00:14:43,734
What is it? What's going on?
374
00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:45,569
...Americans have come out in force
to show their support
375
00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:47,112
for the former,
and possibly future, president,
376
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:48,136
Selina Meyer.
377
00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:49,469
- Oh!
- Footage rolls.
378
00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:51,301
Free Selina now!
379
00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:52,557
What?
380
00:14:52,642 --> 00:14:54,759
It turns out Americans
don't give a flying fatwa
381
00:14:54,852 --> 00:14:56,434
if you drone a bunch of Muslims!
382
00:14:56,521 --> 00:14:58,082
Your favorables have
never been higher, ma'am.
383
00:14:58,106 --> 00:14:59,106
For polling purposes,
384
00:14:59,190 --> 00:15:00,852
you're practically
a generic white male.
385
00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:02,586
This is incredible!
386
00:15:02,610 --> 00:15:04,226
I feel like the Grim Reaper
387
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:07,233
just dropped his scythe
and started eating me out!
388
00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:08,615
Mom.
389
00:15:08,699 --> 00:15:10,861
Ma'am, Catherine just had
the most romantic idea.
390
00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:12,989
- Oh, good.
- Getting married here in Europe.
391
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:14,079
What?
392
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:17,497
Oh, Catherine!
393
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,916
What a wonderful idea.
394
00:15:20,002 --> 00:15:21,163
Thank you, Mother.
395
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,254
- Gary.
- Yeah?
396
00:15:22,338 --> 00:15:25,046
Can you put something together
here, at the embassy?
397
00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:28,007
I found the perfect dress
at the Oslo Medieval Festival.
398
00:15:28,094 --> 00:15:29,756
- Oh, I doubt it.
- Good. Okay.
399
00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:31,323
Ma'am, we got bigger reindeer
to fuck here.
400
00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:32,428
Guys, listen to me.
401
00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:34,552
A wedding got me into this hot mess,
402
00:15:34,976 --> 00:15:37,138
a wedding's gonna get me out of it.
403
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:39,470
A Potemkin wedding,
if I may coin a phrase.
404
00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:40,564
Please don't.
405
00:15:40,648 --> 00:15:42,856
Okay. Look, we need a plane
to get us home, correct?
406
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:45,776
...Selina Meyer live via phone.
Hello, President Meyer.
407
00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:46,945
Hi, Mike.
408
00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:50,272
You know, I just want
to thank the American people.
409
00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:53,025
I mean, obviously,
while it is regrettable,
410
00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:55,361
the loss of innocent lives,
411
00:15:55,496 --> 00:15:59,080
you know, I will never, ever apologize
412
00:15:59,208 --> 00:16:00,870
for keeping Americans safe.
413
00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:03,494
Uh, Ma'am, we have
the drone footage here.
414
00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:05,107
Would you take our viewers through it?
415
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:07,339
Guest speaks as footage two rolls.
416
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:11,302
Yes. Well, this is the compound
belonging to Hamza Al Bashir.
417
00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:13,507
Now, hold on. What is that
right on over there, ma'am?
418
00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:15,214
Is that an elephant or something?
419
00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:17,223
Yes. Yeah, I believe it is.
420
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:20,018
Apparently, Al Bashir
had some sort of a private zoo,
421
00:16:20,104 --> 00:16:22,104
and that's actually how
we were able to locate him.
422
00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:23,355
And boom!
423
00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:24,932
Wop! There goes the elephant.
424
00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:26,358
- Ma'am?
- Yeah.
425
00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:28,769
I think I may have found us a plane.
426
00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:31,508
Governor, it's so nice of you
to come with us to comfort Jonah.
427
00:16:31,532 --> 00:16:33,532
Jonah Ryan has as much chance
of becoming president
428
00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:35,992
as a stack of retarded raccoons
in a trench coat,
429
00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:38,616
but if anyone's crawling out
of our cesspool of a state
430
00:16:38,706 --> 00:16:40,914
to become his Ag Sec,
it's gonna be this pigfucker.
431
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,853
Yeah. I didn't realize
that was a job requirement.
432
00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:48,584
Oh, my God.
433
00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:51,959
What do you think?
Beige or Tuscan beige?
434
00:16:52,053 --> 00:16:53,385
Tough call.
435
00:16:53,471 --> 00:16:55,758
They are the same.
436
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,965
And how is the blushing bride?
437
00:16:58,059 --> 00:17:00,016
Mother, come on. Really?
438
00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:02,720
- Cath, this is the best I could do.
- Gorgeous.
439
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:05,981
- You always do this.
- I do what?
440
00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:09,485
- Do you remember my 13th birthday?
- No, I certainly don't.
441
00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:11,048
Do you remember
my 16th birthday, then?
442
00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:12,257
- Do you remember that?
- No, darling.
443
00:17:12,281 --> 00:17:14,468
We gonna go through all the birthdays?
I don't remember any of them.
444
00:17:14,492 --> 00:17:16,762
Do you remember my high school
graduation, or my college graduation?
445
00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,055
Or any time I brought home a boyfriend
446
00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:19,389
for you to meet
before I had girlfriends?
447
00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:21,517
I didn't know the theme of the wedding
was Edward Scissor Sisters.
448
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:22,726
- I mean, seriously.
- I'm gonna pause.
449
00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:25,083
Those sandwiches aren't
gonna finger themselves.
450
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:27,081
- I'll be right back.
- Catherine, I do not
451
00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:30,005
want to fight with you, my darling.
452
00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:32,458
- I...
- No, honey, listen to me.
453
00:17:32,843 --> 00:17:37,087
I am so very proud of you
454
00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:41,638
and your decision to get married here.
455
00:17:42,144 --> 00:17:43,806
- Thank you, Mom.
- Mmm-hmm.
456
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:46,639
And you look amazing.
457
00:17:47,942 --> 00:17:51,185
And I'm amazed by your look.
458
00:17:54,448 --> 00:17:56,405
Um, I'm just gonna freshen up.
459
00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:57,903
- Okay.
- Okay.
460
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:04,080
Okay, we're all good.
461
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:06,126
- Where's your mother?
- She went to the bathroom.
462
00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:10,246
- That's not the bathroom.
- What?
463
00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:13,527
If I could just have
a moment of your time, Congressman.
464
00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:15,237
Will you move?
You're blocking the TV.
465
00:18:15,261 --> 00:18:17,469
Sorry. Yeah. I think
in a Ryan administration
466
00:18:17,555 --> 00:18:19,435
I could really make
a difference at agriculture.
467
00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:21,577
Yeah. Whatever. There isn't gonna
be a Department of Agriculture.
468
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,433
- I'm getting rid of it.
- What?
469
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:24,555
Richard, who is this guy?
470
00:18:24,645 --> 00:18:27,137
I'm the fucking governor
of Iowa, you nitwit!
471
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:30,099
And you just cost yourself
a spot in my administration!
472
00:18:30,192 --> 00:18:32,775
- I'll call you a cab, Governor.
- Jonah, your dad's here!
473
00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:33,862
Oh, hey, Dad!
474
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:35,653
Look who's ready for
a chicken pox party!
475
00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:38,027
- What, I gave my dad chicken pox?
- Second time!
476
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,359
Now I can really see
the family resemblance.
477
00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:41,739
Two generations of scabs, yo!
478
00:18:41,829 --> 00:18:44,071
Fuck me with a side of ranch.
479
00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:45,605
See ya back at the office, Governor.
480
00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:50,186
Catherine. What has
your mother done now?
481
00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:54,373
She used our wedding as a diversion
482
00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:57,881
to escape from
the Norwegian National Police!
483
00:18:58,012 --> 00:18:59,012
Smart.
484
00:18:59,430 --> 00:19:00,470
Kitty Cat. It's all right.
485
00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:02,422
We'll just get married
back in the States.
486
00:19:02,516 --> 00:19:06,009
No. We are gonna
get married right now,
487
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:09,313
in Europe, because it's romantic.
488
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,223
Do you wanna maybe
489
00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:12,683
clean up first?
490
00:19:12,777 --> 00:19:15,815
No. I feel fucking pretty.
491
00:19:16,447 --> 00:19:17,563
Uh...
492
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:20,616
I'm sorry. Who taught you
to do a smoky eye?
493
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:24,111
Joint Special Operations
Command. JSOC.
494
00:19:24,747 --> 00:19:26,113
Ah.
495
00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:27,414
It's not bad.
496
00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:30,455
You know, these tunnels
date back to World War II.
497
00:19:30,544 --> 00:19:31,830
- Really?
- Brave local citizens
498
00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:34,004
banded together
in secret to assist the Nazis.
499
00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:37,128
I think we should be underneath
the security perimeter by now.
500
00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:39,380
- How can you tell?
- Ben. Over here.
501
00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:41,211
- What's that?
- Ben.
502
00:19:41,305 --> 00:19:42,421
Oh!
503
00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:43,515
Murman!
504
00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:44,599
Selina.
505
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,078
I am so happy to see you!
You have no idea!
506
00:19:46,102 --> 00:19:48,219
- I have helped many tunnel escapes.
- Oh.
507
00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:50,353
- Funny story.
- Oh, here we go.
508
00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:54,399
Once, I told my enemy
it was tunnel escape,
509
00:19:54,485 --> 00:19:56,725
- but in fact, I just buried him alive.
- Uh-huh.
510
00:19:56,987 --> 00:19:58,228
Murman.
511
00:19:59,156 --> 00:20:01,443
Actually, it was her,
512
00:20:01,617 --> 00:20:04,030
but story is funnier with a man, huh?
513
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:05,827
In these MeToo days, you know?
514
00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:08,246
Actually, I think
it could work with a woman.
515
00:20:08,332 --> 00:20:10,369
Either way, it's a very good story.
516
00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:12,451
Beginning, middle and end.
Plus a lesson.
517
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:17,586
Oh, but I would never, ever buried
alive my dear old friend Selina.
518
00:20:17,675 --> 00:20:19,837
Oh. Chivalry is not dead, Murman.
519
00:20:19,927 --> 00:20:22,214
No, no, no. Her name was Svetlana,
520
00:20:22,304 --> 00:20:24,045
and she's definitely dead.
521
00:20:24,140 --> 00:20:26,348
Yeah, I think the story
does work better with a man.
522
00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:27,800
That was my first instinct.
523
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:29,225
Well, there you go.
524
00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:31,052
Now, my car will take you
to the airport.
525
00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:32,763
- Okay.
- And the airplane is waiting
526
00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:36,066
to run out of gas
and drop you into the North Sea.
527
00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:37,402
What?
528
00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:39,314
Just kidding.
529
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:43,736
- You are bad.
- You believed me!
530
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:45,487
You got us.
531
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:48,737
I want to make one quick stop
on the way to the airport.
532
00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:50,489
- What?
- Yeah, I wanna just pop in
533
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:52,040
and grab my Nobel Peace Prize.
534
00:20:52,209 --> 00:20:54,952
Ma'am, that's the Nobel Prize
of bad ideas!
535
00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:56,857
- No, that's economics, okay?
- We need to be out
536
00:20:56,881 --> 00:20:58,543
of this jurisdiction immediately!
537
00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:00,419
Oh, please,
I've got America on my side,
538
00:21:00,509 --> 00:21:02,626
and America doesn't
give a shit about anything!
539
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:03,864
The Hague gives a shit.
540
00:21:03,888 --> 00:21:05,991
Ma'am, we are not in America.
We just crawled out of a drain!
541
00:21:06,015 --> 00:21:07,993
- Wait, what?
- We're not in America right now.
542
00:21:08,017 --> 00:21:09,017
For crying out loud.
543
00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:10,717
Okay look, call Leon right now.
544
00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:13,144
Tell him to get his dick
out of whatever homeless woman
545
00:21:13,230 --> 00:21:14,541
froze to death in front of the hotel,
546
00:21:14,565 --> 00:21:16,325
meet us over there
with the speech. Let's go!
547
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:17,400
Call him!
548
00:21:23,073 --> 00:21:24,968
Hi, I'm Dan Egan,
I used to work at the White House.
549
00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:26,699
You barely worked at the White House.
550
00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:28,743
Oh!
551
00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:31,580
Oh, Ames, I almost offered
to help your career,
552
00:21:31,665 --> 00:21:33,310
then bang you
and tell everybody in the office
553
00:21:33,334 --> 00:21:34,575
you're an unstable slut.
554
00:21:35,377 --> 00:21:36,458
It's a new dress.
555
00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:41,714
Come on, come on.
556
00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:43,463
Dumb child locks.
557
00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:45,794
- Need some help?
- Thank you so much.
558
00:21:47,890 --> 00:21:49,347
How long have you been taking these?
559
00:21:49,433 --> 00:21:51,766
Ever since Jonah whacked me
on the nose at the rally,
560
00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:53,718
but the pain went away in two days.
561
00:21:53,813 --> 00:21:55,679
They gave me 97 pills, though,
562
00:21:55,773 --> 00:21:59,107
so now I've just been taking them
for the going-away of my feelings.
563
00:21:59,276 --> 00:22:00,562
So you're not pregnant.
564
00:22:00,903 --> 00:22:03,020
Oh, no. Jonah and I
don't want any more kids
565
00:22:03,405 --> 00:22:05,647
until I can get my cake pop
business off the ground.
566
00:22:05,741 --> 00:22:08,053
And we can do genetic testing
to make sure they're not born dead.
567
00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:11,069
- Hey, Jonie.
- Yeah?
568
00:22:11,163 --> 00:22:14,201
You know, right now
you have a historic opportunity
569
00:22:14,291 --> 00:22:17,455
to speak to our better natures,
bring the country together.
570
00:22:17,545 --> 00:22:20,162
But to do that, I think
you have to tone down
571
00:22:20,256 --> 00:22:23,374
the angry, incoherent rhetoric a bit.
572
00:22:24,802 --> 00:22:26,293
I have kind of pushed it, haven't I?
573
00:22:26,387 --> 00:22:28,253
A little. A little bit, Jonie.
574
00:22:30,766 --> 00:22:32,302
Okay, Dad. Yeah, I will.
575
00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:34,684
Yeah. Okay.
576
00:22:35,688 --> 00:22:37,475
Hey, Mom, will you
make us some pancakes?
577
00:22:37,565 --> 00:22:39,445
- Ooh! Banana pancakes.
- Yeah, banana pancakes.
578
00:22:39,984 --> 00:22:42,067
Oh, you know, I don't think
I have any eggs.
579
00:22:42,152 --> 00:22:43,393
- Boo! Boo!
- Boo!
580
00:22:43,487 --> 00:22:45,900
Go to the store to make pancakes!
581
00:22:45,990 --> 00:22:49,199
- Pancakes! Pancakes!
- Jonah, I think that...
582
00:22:49,618 --> 00:22:51,109
Oh, my God! Lloyd!
583
00:22:51,495 --> 00:22:53,031
- Dad?
- Oh, my God! Call 911!
584
00:22:53,247 --> 00:22:55,113
- Dad!
- Make sure his nose is wet!
585
00:22:55,207 --> 00:22:57,039
- What?
- Uh, that's for dogs.
586
00:22:57,668 --> 00:22:59,000
Let's go. We gotta move.
587
00:22:59,086 --> 00:23:00,926
We gotta get this thing
and get to the airport.
588
00:23:01,338 --> 00:23:02,338
President Lu!
589
00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:05,044
You're a hard man to get ahold of.
590
00:23:07,803 --> 00:23:10,716
Are we really doing this again?
We all know he speaks English.
591
00:23:10,806 --> 00:23:12,966
I like your hair like that.
592
00:23:13,100 --> 00:23:14,887
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
593
00:23:15,436 --> 00:23:18,290
Selina Meyer. Why am I
not surprised to see you? Sit, please.
594
00:23:18,314 --> 00:23:22,058
Lookit, Lu, we have always
been able to do business together.
595
00:23:22,318 --> 00:23:25,186
If I'm elected,
the U.S. is gonna import
596
00:23:25,279 --> 00:23:28,147
a shit-ton more
of your tainted baby formula
597
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:29,572
and defective drywall.
598
00:23:29,658 --> 00:23:31,194
- A little secret.
- What?
599
00:23:31,285 --> 00:23:32,947
Different label, same product.
600
00:23:33,037 --> 00:23:35,154
Islands.
601
00:23:35,247 --> 00:23:36,988
Any islands you want, Lu.
602
00:23:37,082 --> 00:23:40,450
Diaoyu, Spratly, Florida Keys, even.
603
00:23:41,170 --> 00:23:44,004
President Montez has been
a great friend to China.
604
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:46,706
Our loyalty to her
is unshakable. I'm sorry.
605
00:23:48,010 --> 00:23:49,217
You can have Tibet.
606
00:23:50,220 --> 00:23:51,677
What?
607
00:23:51,764 --> 00:23:53,005
Yeah.
608
00:23:53,098 --> 00:23:54,464
You can have Tibet back.
609
00:23:54,975 --> 00:23:56,136
Are you fucking kidding me?
610
00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:58,764
No. Right after the election,
you can have it back.
611
00:23:58,854 --> 00:24:02,473
I mean, I'll have to condemn
your actions publicly, of course.
612
00:24:02,566 --> 00:24:03,566
Of course.
613
00:24:03,651 --> 00:24:05,938
But then we'll propose
a U.N. resolution,
614
00:24:06,028 --> 00:24:07,439
- you'll veto it...
- I will.
615
00:24:07,529 --> 00:24:09,486
Then, you know, have at it.
616
00:24:09,573 --> 00:24:11,533
Is being president in a democracy
even that great?
617
00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:14,408
- Well, it's barely a democracy, so...
- I agree with that.
618
00:24:14,495 --> 00:24:16,615
Listen, I got a thing to get.
Do we have a deal, or...
619
00:24:16,789 --> 00:24:18,371
- Sure.
- I knew it.
620
00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:20,289
- Yeah. We're good.
- You're a good man.
621
00:24:20,376 --> 00:24:22,083
I like it. You look good in a bow tie.
622
00:24:22,169 --> 00:24:23,229
Everything okay in here?
623
00:24:23,253 --> 00:24:24,369
Oh! You bet.
624
00:24:24,463 --> 00:24:25,749
'Cause you're my lapdog now.
625
00:24:25,839 --> 00:24:26,920
- Okay.
- Yeah.
626
00:24:27,549 --> 00:24:29,611
I thought I would take
just a few moments of your time
627
00:24:29,635 --> 00:24:34,130
to remind you of the plight of
the Azerbaijani minority in Georgia...
628
00:24:34,223 --> 00:24:35,259
I'm here!
629
00:24:36,642 --> 00:24:37,642
Thank you!
630
00:24:37,726 --> 00:24:39,092
I'm here! Thank you!
631
00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:41,852
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, thank you!
632
00:24:41,939 --> 00:24:43,976
It's very perilous for you to be here.
633
00:24:44,066 --> 00:24:45,682
Thank you so much! Thank you!
634
00:24:45,776 --> 00:24:47,438
- I don't think you should...
- Give it.
635
00:24:47,528 --> 00:24:50,817
Thank you so much
for that wonderful introduction.
636
00:24:51,115 --> 00:24:52,115
Thank you.
637
00:24:53,450 --> 00:24:55,658
When the committee called to tell me
638
00:24:55,744 --> 00:24:58,862
I would be receiving
the Nobel Peace Prize,
639
00:24:58,956 --> 00:25:00,822
Summit award...
640
00:25:01,208 --> 00:25:04,417
I considered telling them
I didn't want it.
641
00:25:04,837 --> 00:25:08,171
You see, it's never
been important to me
642
00:25:08,382 --> 00:25:10,169
to be honored publicly.
643
00:25:10,509 --> 00:25:13,377
But I decided to come tonight.
644
00:25:13,554 --> 00:25:16,718
Not for myself,
but for the country of...
645
00:25:18,976 --> 00:25:19,976
Tibet.
646
00:25:21,061 --> 00:25:26,102
Imagine a world
where Tibet were not free.
647
00:25:27,359 --> 00:25:29,100
Imagine that.
648
00:25:29,486 --> 00:25:32,229
And one of the world's
great human treasures,
649
00:25:32,698 --> 00:25:34,564
Tibet's Lamas,
650
00:25:34,908 --> 00:25:38,447
like these right here
sitting in the front row,
651
00:25:39,038 --> 00:25:40,745
looking at me...
652
00:25:42,624 --> 00:25:47,119
would certainly be
imprisoned and tortured
653
00:25:47,379 --> 00:25:51,089
in the most vicious ways imaginable,
654
00:25:52,509 --> 00:25:54,842
possibly even killed.
655
00:25:56,638 --> 00:25:58,971
Oh, God Almighty.
656
00:25:59,224 --> 00:26:02,058
So maybe I should just wrap this up.
657
00:26:02,144 --> 00:26:04,352
Shall we scroll ahead, please?
658
00:26:04,438 --> 00:26:05,519
Could you just... Yes.
659
00:26:05,606 --> 00:26:06,813
Wait. Yes.
660
00:26:07,483 --> 00:26:09,600
Tibet must always be free.
661
00:26:10,611 --> 00:26:13,069
Free today, free tomorrow,
662
00:26:13,530 --> 00:26:15,146
free forever. Oh, God.
663
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:16,321
Uh, thank you.
664
00:26:16,408 --> 00:26:17,615
Wonderful!
665
00:26:17,701 --> 00:26:19,408
- Photos, please.
- Oh.
666
00:26:20,954 --> 00:26:21,990
Okay.
667
00:26:22,081 --> 00:26:23,697
No one's ever gonna
forget that speech.
668
00:26:24,124 --> 00:26:25,124
You're fired.
669
00:26:25,667 --> 00:26:27,078
All right, let's get out of here.
670
00:26:27,336 --> 00:26:28,747
Take this piece of shit.
671
00:26:28,921 --> 00:26:31,334
Stop. Selina, stop.
You give me no choice...
672
00:26:31,423 --> 00:26:32,755
Ugh. Goodbye, Minna.
673
00:26:32,841 --> 00:26:35,174
Wow. Talk about inhumane droning.
674
00:26:35,260 --> 00:26:36,501
I guess I've got a type.
675
00:26:37,429 --> 00:26:38,886
- Dan?
- Hi.
676
00:26:38,972 --> 00:26:40,179
So nice to see you
677
00:26:40,849 --> 00:26:42,681
on this sad occasion.
678
00:26:42,768 --> 00:26:45,476
So I thought maybe
we could get a drink and...
679
00:26:45,687 --> 00:26:47,895
Sorry. Ames,
this is Layla, my girlfriend.
680
00:26:49,316 --> 00:26:52,150
It just feels so weird saying that
out loud. I can't help it.
681
00:26:52,820 --> 00:26:54,339
- Hello.
- Hi.
682
00:26:54,363 --> 00:26:55,479
Layla's an ob-gyn.
683
00:26:56,198 --> 00:26:57,530
I know what she does.
684
00:26:57,616 --> 00:26:58,948
Oh, God, of course.
685
00:26:59,034 --> 00:27:00,616
You guys have already met.
686
00:27:00,702 --> 00:27:02,034
Classic Egan.
687
00:27:03,705 --> 00:27:04,912
Um, are you okay here?
688
00:27:05,165 --> 00:27:06,165
- Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah? OK.
689
00:27:07,543 --> 00:27:08,829
What's up, man?
690
00:27:09,211 --> 00:27:11,123
So, how was your
follow-up appointment?
691
00:27:11,213 --> 00:27:14,081
Less of a metal tube
up my vag than this.
692
00:27:14,299 --> 00:27:16,291
I'm so sorry, Nancy.
693
00:27:16,385 --> 00:27:19,253
Adult chicken pox can be very serious.
694
00:27:19,721 --> 00:27:20,949
Thank you for coming.
695
00:27:20,973 --> 00:27:22,509
Don't blame yourself, Jonah.
696
00:27:22,599 --> 00:27:23,806
It's not your fault.
697
00:27:26,228 --> 00:27:27,469
Oh, my God!
698
00:27:27,563 --> 00:27:29,683
Can you get her a pill
or something and calm her down?
699
00:27:29,898 --> 00:27:32,481
I don't want diazepam,
I want something good.
700
00:27:32,568 --> 00:27:33,568
Okay.
701
00:27:33,652 --> 00:27:35,234
Jonah, I gotta talk to you about that.
702
00:27:35,320 --> 00:27:38,028
- Okay. Oh, God.
- Jonie, Jonie.
703
00:27:38,115 --> 00:27:39,777
I'm just so sorry.
704
00:27:39,867 --> 00:27:42,985
Oh. Thank you, Uncle Jeff.
I really appreciate that.
705
00:27:43,078 --> 00:27:45,518
Sorry you killed your own father
and I wasn't there to see it!
706
00:27:51,086 --> 00:27:52,918
- Sorry!
- Uncle Jeff.
707
00:27:53,338 --> 00:27:55,150
Could you please stop laughing?
708
00:27:55,174 --> 00:27:56,506
I can't!
709
00:27:57,384 --> 00:27:59,125
I can't believe
you gave him chicken pox.
710
00:27:59,219 --> 00:28:01,085
I always had you pegged
as an AIDS guy.
711
00:28:07,186 --> 00:28:10,395
It's not funny,
but his laughter is infectious.
712
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:11,480
I can't breathe!
713
00:28:14,943 --> 00:28:16,900
- I can't breathe!
- Mr. Kane,
714
00:28:16,987 --> 00:28:18,979
you're gonna come with me.
715
00:28:19,198 --> 00:28:22,282
Here's my hotel key.
If you got a dick, I'll pay double.
716
00:28:22,367 --> 00:28:24,734
Okay, everybody can come in
and take a seat.
717
00:28:25,078 --> 00:28:26,489
- Hey, babe.
- I love you.
718
00:28:26,580 --> 00:28:27,946
Love you too.
719
00:28:28,332 --> 00:28:31,075
So first off, I guess,
thanks, everybody, for coming.
720
00:28:31,627 --> 00:28:32,834
And, um,
721
00:28:33,587 --> 00:28:36,250
as most of you know,
I didn't get a lot of time with my dad
722
00:28:36,340 --> 00:28:38,878
but I think in the time
that I did have with him
723
00:28:39,092 --> 00:28:41,505
I realized what a stupid loser he was.
724
00:28:41,595 --> 00:28:44,303
He didn't deserve me. Or even my mom.
725
00:28:44,598 --> 00:28:46,885
All he ever did, actually,
was run out on us.
726
00:28:46,975 --> 00:28:50,184
You know, first, all those years ago,
and now by dying.
727
00:28:50,270 --> 00:28:51,681
Oh. Whoa!
728
00:28:51,772 --> 00:28:54,083
And I guess I don't even really
know if I liked him that much,
729
00:28:54,107 --> 00:28:56,827
because he probably would have sucked
like all of my other step-dads.
730
00:28:57,402 --> 00:29:00,270
And I don't care that he's dead,
because I am very strong.
731
00:29:00,364 --> 00:29:01,696
You're so beautiful.
732
00:29:01,782 --> 00:29:03,218
We're having cake pops
at the house later.
733
00:29:03,242 --> 00:29:04,574
Who wants to go dancing?
734
00:29:04,660 --> 00:29:07,180
- I'm leaving. This place sucks.
- My husband's right there.
735
00:29:07,204 --> 00:29:09,537
Richard, that bastard Ballentine,
736
00:29:10,123 --> 00:29:12,331
he caught shingles from Typhoid Jonah.
737
00:29:12,584 --> 00:29:15,418
He went blind with partial paralysis
and has to step down.
738
00:29:15,504 --> 00:29:16,745
Oh, my God, that's awful.
739
00:29:16,838 --> 00:29:18,830
No! That makes me, I mean you,
740
00:29:19,299 --> 00:29:20,915
the Governor of Iowa!
741
00:29:21,176 --> 00:29:23,259
- Congratulations to us both.
- Oh, my God.
742
00:29:23,637 --> 00:29:26,596
So listen, you guys, we have to
start thinking about the convention.
743
00:29:26,682 --> 00:29:28,534
- Oh, yeah. Sure do.
- And possible veep candidates.
744
00:29:28,558 --> 00:29:30,424
There are a lot of people
I want to snub.
745
00:29:30,519 --> 00:29:31,519
- Ma'am.
- Yeah?
746
00:29:31,603 --> 00:29:32,603
Check this out.
747
00:29:32,688 --> 00:29:35,180
Oh, my God! Is that Richard?
748
00:29:35,274 --> 00:29:36,310
Governor Splett.
749
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:37,400
- No!
- Yeah.
750
00:29:37,484 --> 00:29:39,337
What the hell?
751
00:29:39,361 --> 00:29:40,477
What's going on here?
752
00:29:40,570 --> 00:29:43,563
I thought nobody gave
two Osama bin Shits
753
00:29:43,657 --> 00:29:44,943
about the drone strike.
754
00:29:45,033 --> 00:29:46,899
This is about killing elephants.
755
00:29:47,077 --> 00:29:49,514
Yeah. There's two things Americans
don't like to see get hurt,
756
00:29:49,538 --> 00:29:51,780
animals, and white girls
on spring break.
757
00:29:51,873 --> 00:29:52,934
The story is everywhere.
758
00:29:52,958 --> 00:29:54,244
Peggy Noonan has a column
759
00:29:54,334 --> 00:29:56,542
about Babar and
American exceptionalism.
760
00:29:56,628 --> 00:29:57,744
Oh, she's a dumb cunt.
761
00:29:58,171 --> 00:30:00,083
Is this gonna affect
my numbers, you think?
762
00:30:00,299 --> 00:30:01,299
Yes.
763
00:30:04,094 --> 00:30:05,301
Oh, my God!
764
00:30:06,763 --> 00:30:07,924
He's giving me the finger.
765
00:30:08,307 --> 00:30:09,673
Look. See?
766
00:30:11,643 --> 00:30:14,977
As many of you know,
it has been a difficult week for me,
767
00:30:15,939 --> 00:30:19,649
with the death of my dumb father
and my hot wife going into rehab.
768
00:30:20,068 --> 00:30:23,778
Which, when you think about it,
kind of makes her hotter, you know?
769
00:30:24,573 --> 00:30:27,156
But with the Lord's help,
I got through it.
770
00:30:28,827 --> 00:30:30,284
And when I say Lord,
771
00:30:30,370 --> 00:30:33,158
I mean Jesus Christ Almighty,
not the Jewish one.
772
00:30:36,668 --> 00:30:38,375
Now, there has been a lot of debate
773
00:30:38,628 --> 00:30:42,212
about whether vaccines
do or do not kill people.
774
00:30:42,299 --> 00:30:44,416
And they do, that's just science.
775
00:30:44,634 --> 00:30:48,503
But the other real killer is diseases.
776
00:30:48,805 --> 00:30:51,923
And how do these diseases
get into America?
777
00:30:52,059 --> 00:30:53,550
- How?
- Immigrants.
778
00:30:53,769 --> 00:30:54,976
- Kill them!
- Yeah.
779
00:30:55,103 --> 00:30:57,220
Well, I mean, we don't
have to kill all of them.
780
00:30:57,314 --> 00:30:59,431
There are some
good immigrants. Beyoncé?
781
00:30:59,649 --> 00:31:01,766
Ms. Brookheimer,
do you have anything to eat?
782
00:31:01,860 --> 00:31:04,898
Um, I've got gum and Advil.
783
00:31:06,031 --> 00:31:08,990
He had this carne asada
that I think was a family recipe.
784
00:31:09,076 --> 00:31:10,112
That guy stays.
785
00:31:10,327 --> 00:31:13,320
But we are not going to stop diseases
786
00:31:14,164 --> 00:31:16,781
unless we close our borders!
787
00:31:16,875 --> 00:31:19,117
- Yeah!
- From now on,
788
00:31:19,419 --> 00:31:21,877
no one in, no one out!
789
00:31:22,589 --> 00:31:25,502
Thank you. No one in, no one out!
790
00:31:27,427 --> 00:31:30,261
- What? Who's there?
- Uh, it's Richard.
791
00:31:30,555 --> 00:31:32,046
- Who?
- Oh, governor Richard Splett?
792
00:31:32,140 --> 00:31:35,804
- Oh.
- We, uh, brought you some flowers.
793
00:31:36,228 --> 00:31:37,764
Word is out on you, Splett.
794
00:31:37,938 --> 00:31:39,520
You're living proof
795
00:31:39,606 --> 00:31:42,519
that the worst people
in politics always succeed.
796
00:31:42,609 --> 00:31:45,898
I'll tell you something else, Splett.
Listen carefully.
797
00:31:45,987 --> 00:31:48,229
Someday you'll be
an old man, and you'll...
798
00:31:48,323 --> 00:31:49,323
Governor Splett...
799
00:31:49,408 --> 00:31:52,169
Now that you're a super-delegate,
have you given any thought as to who
800
00:31:52,244 --> 00:31:53,846
you're gonna be
endorsing at the convention?
801
00:31:53,870 --> 00:31:55,736
Isn't there any way
I can endorse all of them?
802
00:31:56,998 --> 00:31:58,955
Okay. All right,
thank you guys so much.
803
00:32:02,212 --> 00:32:03,498
Pull up a chair, Splett.
804
00:32:03,922 --> 00:32:06,005
I've never told anyone this before.
805
00:32:07,300 --> 00:32:10,338
I have a daughter in California.
806
00:32:10,679 --> 00:32:13,012
She doesn't know anything about me.
807
00:32:13,348 --> 00:32:15,931
I've seen photographs on the internet.
61800