All language subtitles for ils-lsatsbdc-cd1.english

Three card brag
is a simple form of poker.

You get three cards only.

And these you can't change.

If you don't look at them,
you're a blind man,

you only put in half the stake.

Three of any kind
is the highest,

but the odds are 450-1
against getting any three.

Then there's a running flush,
all the same suit, all in order,

then a straight
and a flush and a pair,

and finally, whatever
the highest card you've got.

Now, there are some telltale
signs that can help,

but they took me long enough
to learn so I'm not telling you.

They can only help a player,
not make one.

So, d'you wanna play?

Let's sort the buyers
from the spiers

and those who trust me
from the ones who don't.

If you can't see value here,

you're not shopping,
you're shoplifting.

You see these goods?
Never seen daylight, moonlight,

Israelites,
Fanny by the gaslight.

Take a bag, come on.
I took one home last night -

cost more than ten pound,
I can tell you.

Anyone like jewellery?
Look at that one.

Hand-made in Italy,
hand-stolen in Stepney.

It's as long as my arm,
not like something else.

Don't think 'cause these boxes
are sealed, they're empty.

Only the undertaker
sells empty boxes.

By the look of you lot, I'd make
more money with my tape-measure.

Here, one price, ten pound.

- Did you say ten pound?
- Are you deaf?

Bargain. I'll take one.

Squeeze in. Left leg, right leg.

They call it walking.

You want one, darling?
That's it, they're waking up.

Treat the wife -
treat somebody else's wife.

It's more fun
if you don't get caught.

You want one?
Show me a bit of life, then.

It's no good standing
like one o'clock half struck.

These are not stolen -
they're just not paid for.

Can't get 'em again,
they've changed the locks.

Can't come back -
I'll have sold out.

Nice bit of stuff.

"Too late" will be the cry
when the bargains pass you by.

If you've no money on you,

you'll cry tears
big as October cabbages.

Bacon, cozzers!

'Ed can hustle
a few quid here and there.

'But his real talent
lies in cards -

'and gambling with cards.

'Bacon could see that his days

'of selling moody goods
on street corners are numbered.

'It's time to move on
and he knows it.'

- Six foot one, that's perfect.
- You're catching up with me.

What you talking about?
I'm bloody skinny, pal.

'Course you are. All right, Ed?

Nick the Greek, a pleasure.
Tom, what have you eaten?

- I was telling him...
- Enough!

You two, join me in my office.

So how much is it, Tom?

You know how much, Nick.

- And that includes the amp?
- No.

That does not include the amp.

Shit, Tom. I thought
it included the amp.

It doesn't. I'll throw in
one of these telephones,

but it does not include the amp.

Very nice.

I hope it includes the speakers.

It doesn't include
the speakers or the amp.

It's not supposed to include
me getting the hump

with your questions.
You want it, you buy it.

What else do I get?

A gold-plated Rolls Royce,
if you pay for it.

Don't know, Tom.
Seems expensive.

Seems... this seems
to be a waste of my time.

That is 900 nicker
in any shop,

and you're complaining
about 200?

What school of finance
did you study?

It's a deal, it's a steal.

It's the sale
of the fucking century.

In fact, I'll keep it.

All right, keep your alans on.

Here's a ton.

Jesus Christ!

You could choke
a dozen donkeys on that.

You're haggling over 100 pound.

What d'you do when
you're not buying stereos -

finance revolutions?

�100 is still �100.

Not when the price is �200.

Not when you've got Liberia's
deficit in your sky rocket.

Tighter than a duck's butt!

Let me feel
the fibre of your fabric.

'The skinny one is Tom.

'He's the entrepreneur
of the bunch.

'He's got
a couple of dirty fingers

'in a couple of dirty pies.

'Nick, however,
has made it his business

'to have all 20
fat fingers and toes

'in every dirty, bent
and stolen pie in London.'

'Between them, there ain't much
you can't get hold of.'

That's my 25 grand.

It took me a long time to earn,
so treat it with respect.

What about the chef?

What've you come as?

Cupid, stupid.

That's the last time
I get fruit off you, Tom.

There was more small armoured
things in it than fruit.

You should open a butchers,
not a grocers.

If you order stuff
from Kathmandu,

don't be surprised
if it picks up a few tourists.

Anyway, enough.
Where's the money?

Keep your fingers
out of my soup!

'Soap is called Soap

'because he keeps his hands
clean of unlawful behaviour.

'He's proud of his job
and more proud it's legal.

'He represents the more
sensible side of the four.'

Are you sure you can afford 25?

It depends
how you look at it.

I can afford it
if I see it again.

Got the rest from
the fat man and Bacon?

Fat man, Bacon and myself.

Looks like it's time
to call Harry.

Who's this fat man, eh?

Sandwich, Bacon?

'It's not easy to take
a seat at this card table.

'The amount of money
has to be 100 grand upwards

'and there's no shortage
of punters.

'This is the man who decides
whether you can play -

'Harry, or as some,
including himself, like to say,

'Hatchet Harry.'

You got it all?

100 grand.

If you got it, you got it.
Now, if you don't mind...

- What's this Eddie like?
- He's a fucking thief!

'Harry has a colleague,
a monster of a man,

'Barry the Baptist.

'He got his name
by drowning people for Hatchet.

- Fucking pay.
- I'll pay!

'Barry makes sure

'the administrative side of
the business runs harmoniously.'

The boy's got a rare ability.

He seems to make cards
transparent. He's got...

All right,
we can say he's good.

No, he's better than good.
He's a fucking liability.

Hold on, what
do you think of these?

- We're selling hundreds.
- Very nice, Harry.

What's it for?

Don't play innocent,
Bazza. Spanking!

There's 25 from me,
Tom, Soap and yourself.

100 grand to the pound. Why
the fuck are you counting it?

Because I like to.

A reasonable return
should be about 120 grand.

For 25 grand invested,
going on experience.

Going on optimism.

Whatever - it'll be enough
to send you on a cooking course.

You're not funny, Tom.
You're fat -

and look as though you
should be, but you're not.

Fat! Who you calling...
Jesus!

It's good here, innit?
Handy for the tube,

great electrics - I can
see why you moved in.

Don't knock it, it's "cheep",
like the budgie.

Nobody wants to live next
to the people we live next to.

- Anti-social to say the least.
- What d'you mean?

He means they're
thieving bastards.

When they're not picking
peanuts out of poop,

they rip off unfortunate souls
of their drugs.

Not exactly thick, these walls.

Nice work, John.
Get yourself a drink.

Is that it?

How many times
do I have to tell you, Plank?

Find a job worth doing, you'll
find your share improving.

Have you got a problem
with that?

Charles, this gear
is getting heavier.

I've a suspicion we should have
been rocket scientists or...

Nobel Peace Prize winners...
something.

Peace Prize? Be lucky
to find your penis for a piss -

the amount you smoke.

Who the hell's that?

All right, Willie?

Does it look like I am?
Take this.

I'm in danger of breaking
a sweat any second.

Charles,
why've we got that cage?

Security.

That's right. Security.

What's the point in having it if
we're not gonna fucking use it?

I would've used it, Winston,
but this is Willie.

- And Willie lives here.
- Yes, Charles.

But you didn't know it was
until you opened the door.

Chill, Winston. It's me.

Charlie knows it's me,
what's the problem?

The problem is, Willie,
Charles and yourself

are not the quickest cats
at the best of times.

So do as I say and keep
the fucking cage locked!

- What is that?
- That's Gloria.

I know that's Gloria.
What's that?

Fertiliser.

You went out six hours ago
to buy a money counter.

You come back with
a semi-conscious Gloria

and a bag of fertiliser.

Alarm bells are ringing, Willie.

We need fertiliser, Winston.

We also need a money counter.

This money's gotta
be out by Thursday.

I'm buggered
if I'm gonna count it.

If you do have to buy
sodding fertiliser,

could you be
a little more subtle?

What do you mean?

We grow copious amounts
of ganja, yeah?

Yeah.

And you're carrying a wasted
girl and a bag of fertiliser.

You don't look your average
horti-fucking-culturalist.

That's what I mean, Willie.

- How long's he been in there?
- About... 20 minutes.

- Is he on his own?
- Yeah, carrying a bag.

Let's pay him a visit,
shall we?

'Big Chris settles debts
for Harry.

'The only thing he cares
more about than unsettled debts

'is his son and heir,
Little Chris.'

This is one of them...
high-powered jobs, innit?

Aaagh!

I've got some bad news
for you, John.

What the fuck!

Mind your language
in front of the boy.

Jesus Christ!

That includes blasphemy.
Now tell me, John,

how can you concentrate
on improving this tan -

and it is a lovely tan -

when you've got more pressing
priorities at hand?

Tell Harry...

Did I say speak?
And it's Mr Harry to you.

Now, don't disappoint me, choose
your words very carefully.

You may now...

speak.

Tell Harry, I mean Mr Harry,

I've been busy,
I'm nearly there.

Check his locker, son.

I don't suppose there's a chance
of you lifting this up, Chris?

He's not poor! He's got
over a monkey in his wallet!

Fuckin' hell, John, you go round
with that in your pocket?

Use language like that again,
you'll wish you hadn't!

Sorry, Dad.

Right. Put the rest
of the stuff in that.

You can go home
in a plastic bag tonight.

You owe what you owe.

By the time this tan's faded
you wanna have paid.

- You never would've paid.
- Who would pay for shit?

Exactly. We had to...

What the hell
are you doing here?

What's up?

Let me guess,
my foot in your arse.

Game o'cards - Hatchet Harry?

You're supposed to be
getting your rest in, boy.

You playing cards tonight, son?

With Harry?

Don't be silly, Dad. I wouldn't
have anything to do with that.

Where'd
he get a hundred grand?

He's got adhesive mates -
like brothers.

They've tossed up
between 'em.

And JD, his dad,
owns the whole property?

No mortgage, no debts.

Lock, stock - the fucking lot.

Don't worry, Harry.
I've got it under control.

Good. You can get this
under control now.

It seems Lord Appleton Smythe
has run out of money.

These little beauties
are up for auction.

I'm not paying a quarter
of a million quid for 'em.

If you know what I mean,
Barry.

Make sure we get everything
from the gun cabinet.

I don't care who you use,

as long as they're not
complete muppets.

And don't tell 'em
what they're worth, Barry.

Right, where was we?

Shotguns... guns that fire shots?

You must be the brains.

That's right,
guns that fire shots.

Make sure you bring everything
from the gun cabinet.

There'll be a load of old guns.
That's all I want.

Everything else outside
the cabinet, you can keep.

Thank you very much.

There'd better
be something there for us.

It's a fucking stately home,

of course there'll
be something there.

- Like what?
- Like fucking antiques.

Antiques! What the fuck
do we know about antiques?

- We rob post offices.
- We steal cars.

What the fuck do we know
about antiques, mate?

If it looks old,
it's worth money - simple.

Stop fucking moaning
and rob the place.

Who's the guv?
Who are we doing this for?

You're doing it for me -
is all you need to know.

You know
because you need to know.

I see. One of those
"need to know basis" things.

Like one of those
James Bond films.

Careful, remember
who's giving you this job.

Right, I'm off.
Call me when you're done.

Ta-da.

Fucking northern monkeys.

I hate these fucking
southern fairies.

'Ed has been playing cards
since he could lift 'em up.

'He soon discovered
he had a big advantage.

'It's not that
he's good at cards,

'or even good at counting them.

'It's that he's good
at reading people's reactions

'no matter how subtle.

'Everybody has reactions.

'Especially when
it comes to money.'

- Invitations.
- Invitations?

Yeah, four pretty white pieces
of paper with your names on.

We got 100,000 bits of paper
with the Queen's head on.

Will that do?

Just you. The others can wait
next door in Samoan Jo's.

Samoan Jo's?
You mean the pub? Hold on...

Hold on to your tongue
and I'll hold on to my patience.

No one in here tonight
but card players - no one.

Evening, Fraser. Don, Phil.

Bit dramatic, innit?

Is it supposed to be symbolic?

Apparently it's for security.

I'd have brought my gloves
if I'd have known.

You must be Eddy, JD's son.

You must be Harry.
Sorry, didn't know your father.

Never mind, son, you might meet
him if you carry on like that.

Evening, Tanya. Been a while.

All right, Ed.

We call each other Kenny,
OK, Gary?

All right, Kenny.

You gonna put your stocking on?

I spent 120 quid on my hair -

I'm not pulling a sock over it.

You have to put something on.

Three card brag, gentlemen.

Three 3s are highest,
then three aces,

then running down accordingly.

Then it's a running flush,
a run, a flush and then a pair.

An open man can't
see a blind man.

It will cost twice the ante
to see your opponent.

Don't fuck around, fellas.

You know the rules.
You know I won't stand for it.

Can I have three of your most
refreshing drinks, please.

- How comes we end up in here?
- I don't think I mind.

You got that TV loud enough,
mate?

Leave it out, Bacon.
He looks like a loon.

What are you doing?
Put that back.

We're here to rob the guns.

Put it back - it's crap anyway.

Come on.

800.

D'you like that, did you, son?

When my knees stop knocking,
I'll live with it.

400, blind.

Listen, ladies, this is cards.
Men play cards.

If you wanna talk soft,
go to the fucking hairdressers.

So shut it and play.

I'll fold.

1,000. Open.

What sort of pub is this?

It's a Samoan pub.

What's that?

It's a cocktail -
you asked for a cocktail.

I asked you to give me
a refreshing drink.

I wasn't expecting
a fucking rainforest.

You could fall in love
with an orangutan in that.

You want a pint, go to the pub.

[Television blaring]

I thought this was a pub.

It's a Samoan pub.

Can you get your man
to turn the TV down?

Ask him if you like.
I'd leave him well alone.

Get rid of that.
Bring us a Diet Coke.

'Scuse me, can you
turn that TV down?

No.

Oooh!

2,000.

2,000, blind.

You what?

Two grand blind? You been
eating too much British beef.

You're bonkers. Mad.

Well, you gonna play?

Fuckin' right I'm gonna play.

Three grand, dare.

4,000's an open man.
You know that.

You do know how to play, Donald?

The reason I've only put in half
is I don't know what I've got.

Now, you play or you fold.

Fold.

Fold? Is that the only word
they taught you at school?

No, they also
taught me the word "cunt".

Whoa, whoa, Kenny!

What are you doing?

I am trying to find out
where they keep their money!

You twat. Can't you see
they've got no money?

They can't even afford
new furniture.

We've got the guns.
What's the matter?

Every time we do a job,
you burn people's feet.

What's wrong with you?

You wanna be more careful,
old fella. You nearly took

my man's head off with that.

You all right, Kenny?

Kenny?

Ten grand, blind.

Twenty grand, open.

Deep end, eh?

Fold.

Gotcha!

Twenty grand, open.

I fold.

Don't spend that
all at once, boy.

Bloody 'ell!

What?

You said there'd
be no staff, Barry.

Did you get those guns?

You wanna see
what they did to poor Gary!

Gary, Gary!

I said, did you get those guns?

Yes, we got them!

Good. I'll speak to you later.

Fuckin' scouse cunts.

Gary, if you can hear me,

get back in the car now, mate.

Barry... Barry!

Fucking, sodding,
shandy-drinking bastard!

Give me my money!
You fucking slags!

Give me my money!

Give me back my money!

Give it back!

Wankers! Wankers!

Come on, you. Not now, please.

You fucking bastard!

Fuck... you bastard.

Oh, my good God!

We'll take you to the cleaners!

Twenty grand open.

Thirty thousand.

Back to you, Ready Eddie.

Fifty grand.

Eighty grand.

One hundred grand.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, fellas, I know...

I know you're not in,

which means no one cares
what you know.

Two hundred and fifty.

That's quite a raise.

That's one hundred and fifty
on my one hundred.

Yeah. Is there anything else
you want to say?

As you know, this puts us
in an awkward position.

I don't have enough
to continue.

We'll have to see your cards
if no one loans Eddie the money.

It's a loan
or we see both your cards.

I will.

You will what?

I will loan you the money.

No, I think I'd rather
just turn 'em over.

I'm not interested
in what you would rather.

I wanna keep going.

I'm also offering you the money.

We don't have to turn 'em over
because you can borrow.

I need two hundred
and fifty grand.

No, you need five hundred
grand to see me.

That's if I wanna see you.

You're gonna have a problem
carrying on, ain't ya?

I'll see you.

For half a million?

Unless you're gonna
accept twenty quid.

You've still got
a sense of humour.

It's not monkey-nuts, son.
You can still fold.

I'll see you.

OK, before I loan you this,
I expect -

if you lose, of course -

my money back within a week.

Crystal? That's Sunday, OK?

Is that it?

Now let's see his fucking cards.

Hello, boy.
Feeling a bit poorly?

I know your friends

are responsible
for most of the cash...

so I'm gonna give you
one week to find it.

Otherwise I will take a finger

off each of you
and your friends' hands

for every day that passes
without payment.

When you've
run out of digits -

your dad's bar,
and who knows what then.

All right, my son?

This doesn't look good.

'He explained the unfortunate
position they were in.

'Harry would start sizing up
all their fingers in a week.

'He knew there was no way Ed
could settle that debt alone.

'Harry saw it
as their money on the table,

'so it was their debt
off the table.

'Ed could've kissed
the old bastard for that.

'lf he said he wanted
to settle the debt on his own,

'it would have been a lie.'

I wish he would've
let me settle it.

- I'm gonna kill him!
- Stop fucking about.

Think about what
we're gonna do. Sit down.

What's all the fuss
about Harry?

Why don't we
boycott the payment?

Let me tell you
about Hatchet Harry.

[Bacon] This geezer, Smithy
Robinson, worked for Harry.

It was rumoured
that he was on the take.

Harry's invited Smithy round
for an explanation.

Smithy didn't
do a very good job.

Within a minute...

Harry's lost his rag.

Reached out for the nearest
thing at hand -

which happened to be
a 15-inch black rubber cock.

He then proceeded to batter
poor Smithy to death with it.

That was seen as
a pleasant way to go.

Hence Hatchet Harry
is a man you pay if you owe.

Don't worry,
I'll think of something.

Golf - the best way
to spoil a good walk.

Winston Churchill said that.

I say it's a dog-eat-dog world.

And I got
bigger teeth than you two.

I think our friend is trying
to tell us something.

Or should I take
another swing to make sure?

Give me a five iron, John.

Certainly, Dog.

Now, keep still.

Is there something
you'd like to tell us?

- The fireplace.
- Shut it, you idiot...

You were saying?

It's in the fireplace.
Pull it out. It's in the bottom.

It's in the fireplace, Frank.

Pull it out. It's in the bottom.

Dog, I think you want
to have a look at this!

You gonna let me down now?

No, I'm not
finished with you yet.

Steel.

Help! Help!

Oh, Dog.

Who the hell's that?
It's only 12 o'clock.

Use the cage,
that's what it's there for.

Who is it?

We have got security
for a reason, Willie.

Chill, Winston. It's only Plank.

This weed's getting
quite a rep, fellas.

Easy.

Jesus!

Never saw you there.

Hello, love,
enjoying yourself?

Is she compos?

What do you think?

Boo!

Fuck me!

Clean that up, Charles.

Sod you, you clean it up.

Sorry, fellas, that stupid cow
scared the life out of me!

Never mind. Can you just
sit down, stay out the way?

How much is it you want?

I'm... after an half weight.

That's 1,500.
Pass the scales, Willie.

Give us some gear, J.

Any chance of actually
seeing the... money?

The odds are 100-1.

All we need is five grand.

I'd rather put my money
on a three-legged rockin' horse.

Those odds are 100-1 for a good
reason, Bacon - it won't win!

- Where's Eddie?
- Where do you think?

The bottom of a bottle,
has been for two days.

- It's hit him hard.
- It's hit us all hard!

He's got to tell his dad
he's about to lose his bar.

Listen to this one.

You start a company - "Arse
Ticklers Faggots Fan Club".

- You what?
- Put an advert in a gay mag,

advertising the latest
in arse-intruding dildos.

You sell it with...

"Does what no other
dildo can do until now.

"The latest and greatest
in sexual technology.

"Guaranteed results."
All that bollocks.

These dils cost 25 quid a pop -

a snip for the pleasure
they'll give the recipients.

They send their cheques
to the other company name.

Not offensive, "Bobby's Bits"
or something, for 25 quid.

You stick it in the bank
until it clears.

This is the smart bit.

You send back the cheque
for 25 pound

from the other company name -

"Arse Ticklers Faggots
Fan Club" - saying we're sorry,

we couldn't get supplies from
America - they ran out of stock.

You see how many people
cash that cheque.

Not a single soul.

Who wants their bank manager
to know they tickle arse?

How long do you
have to wait for a return?

Probably no more than four weeks.

What good is that if we need it
in six - no, five days?

Well, it's still a good idea.

All right, I got one.

Look, he set us up,

which means he put money in.

Which means
he expects money out.

Don't have to be an economist
to work that out.

He may know we smoke a lot,
burn a bit of profit,

but he can't have any idea

how much hard currency
we've accumulated.

I don't know. Do you know?

We can just...
slice it off the top.

You guys have got
to realise who this chap is.

He might look a bit silly,
but he's a fucking lunatic.

If he gets an inkling we're not
throwing straight dice,

we're gonna know

what the sharp side
of a kebab knife feels like.

Yeah, but we're in this
for the cash however it comes.

So you know these geezers well?

Well enough - I bought
gear off 'em for years.

- What they like, then?
- Poofs! Nothing heavy.

Four public school boys,
soft as shite.

And you keep all the money.

I've heard some
stupid fuckin' ideas

but yours makes
Bacon's sound inspired.

They ponce around
in hippy clothes all day

talking bollocks - they're
just good at growing weed.

Business got bigger
than what they can handle.

They can't all be stupid.

They got a container load
of cash in shoe boxes,

they sell class A gear -

someone sensible
must be involved.

What about security?

There's a gate they never lock.

What d'you mean never lock?
Why've they got it, then?

I must've been there 50 times -
it's never locked.

They're not suspicious. Everyone
that goes there's a toff.

They're into that karma crap -

"I don't harm nobody,
nobody harms me."

No way they can get back to you?

They'd be too scared -
I'm a geezer.

Got no muscle - gutless faggots.

Fancy one?

If you're so fuckin' clever,

why don't you come up
with a suggestion?

Look, I'm thinking, all right?
I am thinking.

We're gonna be here
all night, then.

Is Big Chris on his way?

He should be here any minute.

I think you're making
a big mistake, Harry.

That is a lot of money
for Chris to be after.

Who the fuck are you
to question my judgement?

What d'you know
about Big Chris, eh?

Put Big Chris on a job and he
will get it done no matter what.

His dad used to collect debts,
and his dad before that.

And that monster of a boy will
after he's gone.

'The Almighty himself

'requested them
to collect debts for eternity,

'and not to fear knockin'
on Old Nick's door himself

'if he was behind
on his payment.

'And he's never nicked
a nicker in his life.'

Straight as an arrow and strong
as the bow that fired it.

If you dropped a tenner,
he'd search till he found you.

'There is a problem,
he isn't stable.

'Heaven protect anybody
who touches that boy.

'Not that that boy
needs protecting.'

What's all the flapping?
You told the old man yet?

Hoping I won't need to.

I've got a plan.
Listen carefully.

- Hello, boys.
- Harry.

Do you want a drink?

Hello, my son.
D'you want a lolly?

Piss off, you nonce.

Oi, watch it!

No, thanks, Harry.
We're both all right.

Nice shooter.

One of a pair -
Holland and Holland.

D'you wanna hold it?

Not my thing, thanks, Harry.

Business good?
I imagine that's why I'm here.

Four young fellas got in deeper
than they could handle.

They owe me
half a million pound.

- How much?
- Half a million.

Well, what d'you
want us to do about it?

Hit the fuckers.

I know it sounds a bit strong,

but it's not as if
we're doing anything illegal.

I dunno how you
reached that conclusion.

They can't report they've had
their drugs and money nicked.

- How heavy are they?
- Don't look all that.

Hitler didn't look all that.

All right, but we
are in the soup here

and this is a silver spoon.

And it's not as if we've got
all the time in the world. Dig?

I'm game.

Me too.

Oh, God!

Right. We hit 'em
as soon as they come back.

We'll be prepared. Waiting.

And they're armed.

What was that? Armed?

What d'you mean armed?
Armed with what?

Bad breath, colourful language,
feather duster?

What do you think
they'll be armed with?

Guns, you tit!

You never said
anything about guns.

A minute ago, this was
the safest job in the world.

Now it's turning into
a bad day in Bosnia!

Soap, stop being such a mincer.

- I've thought about that and...
- And what, exactly?

All we have to do is find out
who's carrying 'em.

They could all be carrying 'em
for what we know.

No. Only one of 'em carries
them going to the job.

I assume the same one
will carry 'em back.

You assume?

What is it - assumption
is the brother of all fuck-ups?

It's the mother of all fuck-ups!

Brother, mother,
any other sucker.

It don't make any difference.

They're still fucking guns and
they still fire fucking bullets!

Soap, if you have a better idea
how to get �500,000

in the next few days,
let us know.

In the meantime, Tom,

talk to Nick the Bubble
about shifting the weed.

- Weed?
- No, it's not normal weed.

It's fucked-up skunk, Class A,

"I can't think
let alone move" shit.

Doesn't sound
very good to me.

Neither me - depends
what flicks your switch.

The light is on and burning
brightly for the masses.

Anyway, do you know anyone?

I know a man, yes.

Rory Breaker.

The madman with an afro? I don't
want anything to do with him.

You won't have to.
Just get me a sample.

No can do.

What's that -
a place near Kathmandu?

Meet me half-way, mate.

It's all completely
chicken soup.

- It's what?
- It's kosher... as Christmas.

Jews don't
celebrate Christmas, Tom.

Never mind that.
I'm gonna need some artillery.

Coupla sawn-off shotguns.

A bit heavy. This is London,
not the Lebanon.

Who d'you think I am?

I think you're Nick the Greek.

Hold those two.

I don't normally have
anything to do with weed.

But if it is what he says,

I'll take it off him for
three and a half grand a key.

If it is what he says.

I don't want to see it
after a sample,

I don't want to touch it
after a sample.

I'll leave you in the capable
hands of Nathan here.

He'll sort out the details.

Just let me tell you
one thing...

If the milk turns out
to be sour,

I ain't the kind
of pussy to drink it.

D'you know what I mean?

Rory Breaker.

I know Rory. He's not
to be underestimated.

He's a funny-looking
fucker, I know.

You've got to look past the hair
and cute cuddly thing.

It's a deceptive fa�ade.

A few nights ago
his roger iron busted.

He's gone down the battle
cruiser to watch the football.

No one's watching the custard,
so he switches the channel.

A fat geezer's north opens.

He wanders up
and turns the Liza over.

"Fuck off and watch it
somewhere else."

He knows claret is imminent,

but he doesn't
want to miss the game.

Calm as a coma, picks up
the fire extinguisher,

walks past the jam rolls
ready for action

and plonks it outside
the entrance.

He orders an Aristotle
of the most ping-pong tiddly

in the nuclear sub
and switches back to his footer.

"That's fucking it,"
says the geezer.

"That's fucking what?"
Says Rory.

He gobs out a mouthful of booze,
covering Fatty.

He flicks a flaming match
into his bird's nest

and the geezer's lit up
like a leaking gas pipe.

Rory, unfazed,
turns back to his game.

His team's won, too. Four nil.

Oi! Is your hair supposed
to look like that?

- All right, short stuff.
- Never mind short stuff.

Next time we do a job like this,
we want more money.

Or we're going back
to post offices. Fuck that!

Where's the others?

There was no others.

Stop fucking around.
The others - the old ones.

I don't know what you mean.

There were two old guns.
Where are they now?

Not in the cabinet.

There were some old hammer-lock
muskets the butler was carrying.

- They were ours. We sold them.
- Unsell them!

We had to sell them.
We needed the money.

I am not fucking interested.

If you don't wanna be counting
the fingers you haven't got,

or sharing a bed
with the Antichrist,

I want those guns. Quick!

All right, Barry.

Calm down.
We'll get them, all right?

Now fuck off, you scouse cunts.

Jesus! If I pick 'em up,
will they stay in one piece?

Where'd you get them?

I got contacts. Listen, Tom -

you point them at me, I'll shit
myself or do whatever you say.

Either way, you get
the desired effect.

They look very nice, I agree.

They're lacking in criminal
credibility, ain't they?

I might get laughed at.
How much d'you want for these?

700 each.

What - a pound for every year
they been about?

They're antiques, but I ain't
paying antique prices.

Bit long, ain't they?

Sawn-offs are out.

People want a bit
more range these days.

Range? I don't wanna blow
the arse out of this country,

but I don't want anyone
blowing a raspberry either.

I want to look... fucking mean.

Of course you'll look mean.

You'll look really scary.

Enough. What about
this geezer who sells drugs?

Rory Breaker's standing by.

You stand to make a lot
of money, tubby Tommy.

I understand
this has come as a shock.

Let me tell you
how this can be resolved

by you, the good father.

Go on.

- He likes your bar.
- Yes.

He wants your bar.

And?

D'you want me
to draw you a picture?

Look, that boy doesn't know
his arsehole from his earhole.

This is my bar. It's got
nothing to do with him.

What, and I care?

Remember, you have
the luxurious advantage

of being able to sustain
your son's life.

You do have a reputation -

so I'll choose my words
very carefully.

You tell Harry
to go fuck himself.

Whew...

Careful, JD, you'll give Harry
another heart attack.

Now...

I'll put that down to shock.

Only once.

Only once can I, or shall I,
let you get away with that.

Your son's got three days
to find half a mill.

Make up your mind
which you prefer -

your bar... or your son.

There's nothin'
to worry about, it's easy.

No such thing
as easy in my experience.

If you think it's gonna
be easy, you're a prick.

It might be easier than most,
but it's not gonna be easy.

What's that idiot
doing next door?

Right, we use your van.

There's stairs up to this place
so we'll stick out.

Plank goes in first.

There's a cage, but it's never
locked, is it, Plank?

- Never.
- It don't wanna be.

Once he's set,
he gets the rest of us in.

We'll get nasty,
shit 'em up, gag 'em, whatever.

These wankers shouldn't
give us any problems.

Like any cowboys - there'll
be a few tools lying around.

When the job's done, we come
straight back here and unload.

And Robert's
your father's brother.

Everyone savvy?

Sweet.

We'll do it
tomorrow at eight.

These slags like
to lie in bed till midday.

Lowest ebb and all that.
That's the way I like it.

Jesus!

Don't worry, we can manage this.

And what do you want me to do?

I don't know.
Turn up and look mean.

What d'you mean, look mean?

You know, growl a bit.

Just look as if you know
what you're doing.

I can do better than that.

Have a look at these.

What are we supposed
to do with these?

Put them on your head, stupid.

Christ!

If you think
I'm turning up clean-shaven

and greet them with a grin,
you've got another thing coming.

These fellas
are your neighbours.

I thought it might be a good
idea to disguise ourselves.

Right... er, good thinking,
Soap. Well done.

I brought weapons as well.

What do you mean weapons?

These.

Jesus!

Let's keep 'em covered up.

Couldn't you get
anything bigger?

What, like that?

What d'you think?

I think you need help.

Bar steward, can we have
a coupla drinks, please.

Have you seen your dad?

Hatchet sent
one of his men round.

Oh, shit. When?

Crazy.

A good few years ago, your dad
and Harry played brag together.

Now, JD is a better player
but Harry is a shit and a cheat.

This game went on for two days,
until your dad lost everything.

But Harry wanted more. He wanted
to put your dad deep in debt,

so he plays on and on
until the stakes are a joke.

Harry's got some scam goin' on,

wants to put JD
in trouble for years.

Harry turns over and he's got
next to unbeatable cards.

Everyone falls over
'cause they all hate Harry.

JD starts to weep,
it's a real mess.

Harry starts laughin', cheerin',
doin' a little jig

and he turns JD's cards over.

JD by this time
is cryin' proper tears,

this is next to pathetic.

We see the cards, he's got three
threes, the best possible cards!

And the only time
I have ever seen them.

JD continues to cry, but now
it doesn't seem so pathetic.

Harry... he's had a heart attack!

JD bought this place
with the profits

and he's never
played cards since.

Harry's been looking to get
revenge for all those years.

You've just given him his cue.

If Harry don't kill you,
your father will.

He is not a happy chappy, Ed.

Yes?

It's happening tomorrow morning.

No fuckin' about, Ed,
get back here now.

Where'd you get these,
a fucking museum?

Nick the Greek.

How much did you part with?

700 for the pair.

Drachmas, I hope.

I'd feel safer
with a chicken drumstick.

These are gonna do
more harm than good.

Jesus, Tom. Do these work?

I don't know. Look nice, though.
I rather like 'em.

That's top of priorities,
that is.

Ladies, back to more important
issues, if you don't mind.

We've only got two real guns -
apparently that's what they are.

So we find a good place
to hide next door.

We wait till it's the right
time, then jack-in-the-box,

look nasty and stuff, cocoon 'em
in gaffer tape, nick their van,

swap the gear into the new van
and bring it back.

As long as we're out
of our hiding places quickly,

it's the last thing
you'd expect.

If Tom or anyone else feels
like giving 'em a kicking,

I'm sure it won't do any harm.

Yeah, little bit of pain
never hurt anybody.

If you know what I mean.

Also, I think knives
are a good idea.

Big, fuck-off shiny ones.

Ones that look like
they could skin a crocodile.

Knives are good because
they don't make any noise.

The less noise they make, the
more likely we are to use 'em.

Shit 'em right up.

Makes it look
like we're serious.

Guns for show, knives for a pro.

Soap, is there something
we should know about you?

I'm not sure what's more
worrying, the job or your past.

Come on, girls.

Where the fuck are they going?
Shift a piano?

I thought this was meant
to be a robbery.

Where'd they get those outfits?

Not a bad idea, that.

Come on, you fucking jellyheads,
move it!

You've been up two hours,
you should've got somewhere.

The money and the gear's
gotta be out by 12.

Who's that?

Don't open the door until you've
used that cage. I'm serious.

Find out who it is first.

Hello, can I help you?

All right, it's Plank.
Is Willie there?

No, I'm afraid he's not.
He's out at the moment.

Perhaps you can help.

Perhaps I can't,
if you know what I mean.

If you could open the door so
I could talk without shouting.

I can't help you, Plank.

You'll find
it's in your interest.

Hold on, OK?

Willie, it's Plank for you.
He says it's in our interest.

I don't care if it's
King-fucking-Kong,

he's not coming in here,
not today.

Hold on. We are in business
and... correct me if I'm wrong

but that is business.

Corrected. That's a walking
accident we can do without.

Jesus. He's OK... He knows
only to buy weights now.

We're looking at at least
a couple of thou'.

What do you think, Winston?

This is the last time.
All right?

You and the money
are going out the back.

If he knows you're here,
he'll be all day.

Just clear this shit up!

What, now?

Yes! Now! Just get rid
of him quick.

All right. Just coming.

What the fuck is he doing?

Come on, I can't wait
out here all day!

Just coming.

I thought you was gonna
leave me out there all day.

I didn't know you were
a removals man, Plank.

Lives and learns, don't ya?
Keep the gates locked now?

Ya, sorry. Gotta
do business like this now.

Can't be too careful these days.

I know.

Say a word, the right ear goes,
another, your left!

- What are you doing, Plank?
- What do you think?

Hang on, what are you doing?

Unlock the gate!
Unlock the fucking gate!

That's it. Go, go, go!
Fucking move!

What the fuck's going on?

Hang on, I've got the keys.

The gate's locked.

I don't believe
the fucking gate's locked.

What you done to Fauntleroy?

I didn't touch him.
He passed out.

Shut the door!
D'you want the world to see?

What's going on down there?

Shit!

Charles, get the rifle out.

We're being fucked.

It must be this one.

Hold that gun.
Plank, give me the keys.

Don't point that at my bollocks!

Planks of wood. I'm working
with fucking planks of wood.