All language subtitles for Boston Legal [5x09]

- Oh!
- I'm terribly sorry. I didn't see you there.

- How may I help you?
- Um, I'm looking for, uh, Carl Sack.

- I'm Carl Sack.
- You're Carl Sack?

At your service- full service.

Um, I've seen photographs of Mr. Sack...

- and-
- I look shorter in person and fatter and-

- Hello, Denny.
- I'm Carl Sack.

- He's got the mad cow.
Makes him think he's Carl-
- I'm Jenny Pratt.

- Yes. Um, let's go to my office, huh?
- Okay.

There were a dozen eyewitnesses,
and they all tell the same story.

Dwayne Willis was brought in
a little before 9::00 p.m.

They strapped him down on the table and
hooked up the two I. V. S, one in each arm.

The first drug is supposed to render
the condemned man unconscious. It didn't.

It was now 10 past 9::00.

The drugs had been going into him
for nearly 10 minutes.

That's when Officer Holt started
getting worried. More time goes by.

Willis has been hooked up to the drip
for 20 minutes now. He's still conscious.

An argument breaks out.

The tech wants to pull
the I. V. S out and try again.

Another guard says,
"No. Just increase the dosage."

[Groaning]

And then Willis starts thrashing about.
His chest is heaving.

He's gasping, choking.
It's horrifying.

And Holt says, "Do something!"
But nobody knows what to do.

Willis has been hooked up
for a half hour now.

He's not even unconscious.
He's gagging and thrashing.

And that's when Holtjust snapped.

He fired one round into Willis's head.

Willis died instantly.

He's charged with murder two.

But the D.A. Is willing to knock it down to
manslaughter, only Holt won't take the deal.

- Miss Pratt-
- Jenny.

- There must be many lawyers
in Virginia who could do this.
- Yeah.

I need an advocate who can speak forcefully
against the death penalty itself.

Jenny, whatever one's feelings
are on the death penalty-

- For it.
- It's moot here.

Your client carried out a death sentence,
albeit in a unique fashion.

The legal issue is also unique. Is it even possible
to murder a man who's being executed?

Double homicide.
Happens all the time.

A double homicide is when
two people are killed, Denny.

What's your point?

Listen, Jenny. I'm not sure-

Carl, Virginia's a swing state.
I've always wanted to swing.

- Denny-
- Carl, we need to bond.

Hell, man.
This is our last season.

If there's one thing I've learned in life,
it's never, ever say no to a road trip.

- [Funk]
- [Man Vocalizing]

[Man]
Uh-huh

- All right
- Boom.

Come on

[Lips Pop]

Come on
All right

Well, yeah

Well, yeah

Outlaw

[Man] Now won't ya come on
Come on down

Sweet Virginia
Oh, yeah

Got to scrape that-

Right off of your shoes

I just couldn't watch him
suffer anymore.

If I had to do it over again,
I'd do the same thing.

- You only fired the one shot?
- Yes.

We could go with
defense of others, but...

since you went into the room to participate
in executing the man, I don't think-

- I didn't go in to torture him.
- Hmm.

Another approach, a version
of diminished capacity.

- You were overcome with compassion-
- In Virginia?

Moreover, your years of witnessing executions
could've taken a mental toll.

- I'm not arguing that.
- Um-

How about...
simple temporary insanity?

- You saw a man suffering, you snapped-
- No!

I knew exactly what I did while I was doing it.
I'd do it again.

We don't have a lot to go with here.

I won't say I was insane.

You want us to just cut him loose?

You make it sound as if he's strung up
somewhere. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Mr. Sack, you're a stranger here.

I knew it. They plan to
play the stranger card.

Aren't we all brothers, my friend?

- This is a very serious matter.
- Yes, it is.

So I thought perhaps
we could be serious for a second.

You don't mean to tell a jury
of your fellow Virginians...

that shooting a man the Commonwealth
was in the process of killing...

was murder or manslaughter
or, in fact, any crime at all.

It was a crime
according to the law.

Understood. But a D.A. Has discretion
whether to charge, do they not?

- Good ones do.
- He looks good.

- Looks great.
- Best I've seen.

- Me too.
- Look...

I am not dismissing the charges.

He is going on trial for murder.

You are not my brother anymore. Which, I believe,
leaves me free to have sex with your sister.

We try to make our cases fun.

- Can't thank you enough for seeing me, Alan.
- Please.

So, I hear you've become quite
the busy man these days.

Huh? Big lawyer.
A celebrity of sorts.

Oh, well-

- Well, you look great. Yeah.
- Thank you.

You know, I always figured you
to age fat and bald.

Well, I was lucky enough to
stave off the evil that so ages men.

- Which is?
- Marriage.

What's up, Martha?

Well, unfortunately,
I was fired from my job.

- Oh.
- Yeah. A very good job, I might add.

I was district sales manager
for a software company.

In line to become
regional sales manager.

Now I know that this
may be hard to prove...

but I think I got fired because
I voted forJohn McCain.

My boss and I, we got into this
big fight over the election.

And as soon as I told him
who I voted for...

he just got this look
of disgust on his face, as-

Not entirely dissimilar to the expression
on your face at the moment.

But anyway, uh, so he fired me.

- Did he give you a reason?
- No.

No, they don't have to
give a reason anymore.

They're advised by
their labor lawyers not to.

But I know it was because
I voted for McCain.

I can feel it in my bones, Alan.

And the prisoner started gasping for breath
and moving around on the table.

- Is that uncommon?
- It's happened before.

No two lethal injections ever
seem to go exactly the same way.

There was a lot of screaming and yelling.

Officer Holt became very upset.

Then he suddenly pulled out his gun
and shot the prisoner in the head.

Are you familiar with the case
Emmett v. Johnson?

I've heard of it.
Something like...

"Lethal injection is cruel and barbaric."

[Carl] Something like.
According to briefs filed in that case...

Virginia's method, in particular,
carries a greater risk of inflicting pain...

than the method used in Kentucky,
which the Supreme Court approved.

Our methods are
substantially the same.

The brief includes evidence
that members of the "death team"...

including, I assume, you,
don't understand how the drugs work.

Don't know how to properly
administer an I.V.

And don't know how to correctly observe
the inmate during the execution...

to determine if anything
is going wrong.

That-That's an argument in a lawsuit.

There's another argument on the other side.
Why don't you read that?

Oh, I'm sure there is. Are you aware
that a prominent medical society...

has found Virginia's method
of execution unacceptable?

I know doctors have an issue
with the death penalty in general.

- It wouldn't surprise me if some
physicians group said that.
- Neither would I.

Except the group
I'm referring to happens to be...

the American Veterinary
Medical Association.

Some vets have banned
your lethal injection protocol because...

the method Virginia uses on humans...

is considered too barbaric
to be used on cats and dogs.

Objection! The A.V.M.A. Has said
that their report was misinterpreted.

Sustained. Mr. Sack, this case is not about
the legitimacy of the death penalty.

Now if that's where
you're coming from...

you can tuck in your little tail and head
on back to Massachusetts.

Your Honor, I'm very proud
of my home state.

It's home of the Red Sox,
the Patriots, Mitt.

We take our laws here
in Virginia very seriously, sir.

Do you take this case seriously?
Show of hands.

- Because, you know, it is a bit silly.
- Objection!

There's a man on trial here for trying to kill
somebody the state was already killing.

- If anything, my client
accomplished the death penalty.
- Mr. Sack.

The legitimacy of which I certainly would
never question, particularly in Virginia.

- Your Honor!
- Mr. Sack.

Oh, how about torture?
Are we for that?

- Because this man was being tortured.
- I'm warning you.

- That's why my client pulled-
- Objection, Your Honor!
- Order!

- The trigger to spare horrendous suffering!
- Order! Order! Order!

- [Screaming]
- Get control of the room, will you, Judge?

- Bailiff.
- That's a-

Blanks.
What's his problem?

How'd you even get the gun
in the courtroom?

- Oh, please.
- Denny, what are you doing?

Would you relax?
Like I said...

firstly, it was blanks,
secondly, this is Virginia.

My approval rating went up in that room.
I'm a hero to those people.

I couldn't be more popular
if I got kids to smoke cigarettes.

Carl, don't leave me here.
I can't swing in here. Oh.

Alan's way more fun.

I appreciate you making
the time to see me.

Oh, sure. Well, actually, my lawyer
told me not to see you.

But I never listen to him anyway.

No, you certainly didn't bother to consult
with him before firing Martha.

- Nice try.
- Why did you fire her, Mr. Feldcamp?

- [Sighs] It wasn't working out.
- How so?

Oh, hard to say. You know, as an employer,
you sometimes get a feel for an employee.

And with Martha, hard worker.
But she was never gonna make the next step.

And in this company, you either move up
or you move out.

Martha's of the impression
that you fired her...

because she voted for
John McCain in the election.

She's mistaken.
Look, I voted for McCain, all right?

Martha simply wasn't working out.

There must be a reason you didn't think
she was working out.

- [Sighs]
- If I have to depose you to
force an answer, I can do so.

But you seem to be rather forthcoming.
Why not just tell me now?

Okay.

She's stupid.

And as for evidence of her stupidity?

Oh, God.
I could cite many.

- Cite one.
- She voted for McCain.

You said you voted for him.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I did. I voted for him
because I like his policies on nuclear energy.

Because I believed he'd make a better
commander in chief in times of war.

Because I trusted his experience.

But Martha voted for McCain because
she found Sarah Palin to be "spunky"?

So you admit you fired her
because of who she voted for?

No. I fired her
because she is stupid.

Look, I got a bad feeling about her.
You know, it's plain and simple.

I'm starting to get
a bad feeling about you.

Well, then it's lucky for me
that you're not my boss.

- Look, are we done?
- No, I'm afraid we're not done.

Rather, it seems we're just beginning.

Look, Mr. Shore, I fire people all the time,
and some of them go on to sue me.

This is an at-will employment here.

It's my will. So if you want to file a lawsuit,
just join the club.

Oh, I'm not a member
of any club, I assure you.

I tend to stick out. I don't mind.
Makes me more memorable.

You'll remember me, Mr. Feldcamp.

Mmm. Don't let the door
hit you on the way out.

Oh, God.

First is sodium thiopental,
which is a barbiturate.

Next comes pancuronium bromide...

a muscle relaxant that paralyzes the diaphragm
and thus stops breathing.

Then potassium chloride is injected
and that stops the heart.

But that's not what happened here.

- Not exactly.
- What did happen?

Well, the technician who started the I. V. On
the prisoner missed the vein in one arm.

And in the other arm, he stuck the needle
through the prisoner's vein...

and into his muscle tissue.

Do you know of other botched executions
using the lethal injection method?

There have been too many to list. This is
something that should be done by doctors.

But doctors refuse to do it
on ethical grounds.

But to be fair, in most instances
where lethal injection is used...

the condemned man just sort of drifts
off to sleep without incident?

It's more likely that the paralytic agent simply
prevents prisoners from communicating.

In fact, they could be suffocating...

suffering excruciating pain
during the procedure.

They're just unable to scream.

How many of these so-called
botched executions occurred in Virginia?

- One.
- And the Supreme Court has approved...

the method oflethal injection
used in the Commonwealth of Virginia.

- We know they're such sticklers.
- Mr. Sack, I will hold you in contempt.

And the Supreme Court has not
approved prison guards...

shooting condemned prisoners
in the head, have they?

- Has anybody asked them?
- We all know things went wrong here.
That's not the point.

I will repeat,
the question here is...

do we simply give prison guards the right
to just whip out their guns and blast away?

[Chuckles]
Well, thank you, Your Honor...

for framing the issue in such
a neutral and impartial way.

- Why do you need my help?
- Well, I don't, probably.

It's just Denny
is out of town and-

Will you give up ever?

I have no one to share private thoughts
with tonight on the balcony.

Shirley, this man, Feldcamp,
the unfettered smug arrogance...

he could almost make
Rudy Giuliani seem humble.

Come on. It'll be fun.

He really fired her
because of how she voted?

Well, he's claiming it's stupidity.
But, yes, I think he did.

And what exactly would my role be?

Why do you say it
with such distrust?

Because I can smell a dog on the sniff.

Don't be ridiculous.

You're almost old enough to be my mother
or one of my mother's friends.

- The one who used to
sunbathe naked by the pool.
- [Chuckles]

So you want to march into court tomorrow,
the two of us, side by side...

- and fight for a woman who-
- Who voted forJohn McCain.

[Sighs, Chuckles]

He all but admitted to me, Your Honor, that he
fired her because she voted forJohn McCain.

He made no such admission.
The basis was her stupidity.

Yes. And the evidence
of that was her vote.

Look, they got into a big political debate
three days before-

During which the plaintiff further displayed
a complete lack of intellect...

which prompted my client-

Because she didn't share
your client's political point of view.

My client voted for McCain.
Your Honor, my client is a Republican...

who is happy with Miss Headly's vote.

But nonetheless could
not ignore that she was, well, dumb.

- How dare you!
- Miss Headly.

- He just called me dumb and stupid!
- Miss Headly.

Mr. Davidson,
as I read the affidavit...

it does seem like she was fired
for her political opinions.

Free speech is not a right
in the workplace.

People are hired for their opinions
and perceived intellect.

That's why we have interviews-
to determine whether we like
what comes out of their mouths.

Listen, the fact is
this woman did get hired.

And then she was discharged for exactly
as you say, Your Honor, her political opinion.

All right. I want to hear
Miss Headly on the stand...

and I want to hear exactly
how this went down.

Let's go.

It seemed like, I don't know, like-

like it had gone past
the point of torture even.

L-I just- I couldn't
watch him suffer anymore. So I, um-

I took him out.

Did you stop to think, sir,
that you were breaking the law by-

No, no, no, no.
All I could see was a person suffering.

Just way beyond the point of-

It was inhumane.

Somebody had to do something.

I yelled at the others,
but they just stood there, so-

It just wasn't right.

- You decided all by yourself to take a human life?
- No.

The man was dying anyway.
I made the decision to be humane about it.

I see. I prosecuted two doctors
who made the same decision.

They had terminal patients in agony.
So they decided to hasten their deaths.

In fact,
I believe your family...

faced a similar situation.

You had an aunt who was dying
of ovarian cancer? Am I right?

Yes.

And there were those in your family
who wanted to put her on a morphine drip...

to speed things up
because she was suffering so.

- Is that true?
- Yes.

What was your position there?
Do you remember?

I was against it.

You thought it was murder,
didn't you?

You told your mother
and the doctor...

"Only God gets to make that call."

Do you now amend that to God
and correctional officers?

We got into this huge argument
on nuclear energy.

I'm against it,
and he's for it.

Now that argument somehow got replaced
by some brouhaha on the war.

I'm against it,
and he's for it.

And that segued into taxes.

And he doesn't think
he should have to pay any.

- And I said to him, "If you-"
- So you had a lot of political differences?

Yes. Yes.

Well, then the very next day...

after I did inform him
that I voted for McCain...

he called me a complete idiot.

- Mr. Feldcamp called you an idiot?
- A complete one!

- And then what happened?
- Well, not long after that...

he walked into my office
and he fired me.

Have you ever had any yearly reviews with
respect to your employment with Mr. Feldcamp?

- Yes.
- How'd they go?

Okay. He said
I could perform better.

And he said sales could be higher.

But in this economy?
Come on. You know that.

It's bad everywhere. I mean, it's like the
number one problem in this country right now.

So you consider the economy to be
the number one problem in the country?

- Yes, I do.
- Hmm.

If I may ask, how does John McCain's
economic policy differ from Barack Obama's?

Taxes?

And, um-

Well, I'm not exactly sure
what else, to be honest.

Well, if you consider it to be the number one
problem in the country-

Look, even despite how
they all say they'll be different...

they all do the same thing
once they get elected.

Come on. You know that.

You were an ardent Hillary Clinton
supporter, were you not?

- Yes, I was. Proudly.
- And according to your coworkers...

you crossed over to McCain
primarily because of Sarah Palin.

- Yes.
- Because her policies were
consistent with Hillary's?

Because I was impressed with her.

And because she strikes me
as a real American.

Which is what this country needs!

And you liked her spunk.

And the country needs spunk too, yes.

[Sighs] I don't have a good feeling
on this one, Denny.

Virginia's not being nice to me.

- A little constructive criticism?
- Okay.

- You're not very good.
- Thanks for keeping it constructive.

You're making this a referendum
on the death penalty.

You gotta get it through
that liberal Democrat skull...

Americans love the death penalty.

- We do?
- Yeah. Especially these parts.

[Chuckles]
Hillary and Obama?

You know those pinko-heads...

couldn't really be pro-death penalty,
but they claim they are.

In fact, almost everyone
who runs for president...

miraculously is
for the death penalty. Why?

'Cause this is the U.S. Of A.

Death penalty rules.

"Flip the switch," "ready, aim, fire,"
"turn up the gas"- It's who we are as a people.

Hell, you heard it at
the Republican convention.

"Kill, baby, kill."
It's our mantra, Carl.

I thought Republicans were pro-life.

That's for babies.
Criminals, we kill.

You're going about this ass backwards.

The argument you want to make
to the jury is this.

That, uh, uh, Willis guy,
he wasn't dying the way he was supposed to.

After receiving the injection,
the bastard refused to choke out.

So our client finished him off.

Job done. Game over. Bang.

Preston Holt, American hero.

"Kill, baby, kill."

Some good ol'boys
havin'some fun

Do you think Martha
and Sarah and Joe the-

Is he an electrician?

Plumber. Unlicensed.

Are-Are they the real Americans?

Not necessarily. I think that's
what this election just proved.

That real Americans
aren't just rural and white.

And the portrait of real Americans...

has been redrawn in this election.

Real Americans are of all ages,
races, ethnicities.

They live in cities
and apartments as well as farms.

We have a president-elect who fits
into no category or demographic...

whatsoever other
than he's an American.

- I wept that night.
- Hmm.

Did you?

No. I just watched and watched and...

didn't want the night to end.

I already miss Sarah Palin though.
She was fun while she lasted.

I hope they let her
keep the wardrobe.

I still have to say though...

as heartened as I am by the election
and by America-

What?

Martha's a little bit of an idiot.

Shirley, almost 47% of this country
didn't vote for Obama.

Perhaps because they disagreed
with him on the issues, which is fine.

But some, no doubt...

because they thought he was Muslim...

with terrorists on his speed dial.

And others because...

they were convinced he was not only
socialist, but even worse, a bad bowler.

And others still because they simply loved
those cream-coloredjackets...

Sarah may have to give back.

But there's one thing all those
idiots have in common.

- What?
- They still get to vote.

- What?
- Sorry.

Just looking at you
under a gently lit sky...

sharing the same oral fixation
Denny and l-

[Chuckles]

Is it a little game, Alan, or- or are you
really sexually attracted to me?

I'm sexually attracted to you.

[Chuckles]
I'm in my 60s.

Well, first of all, you're beautiful.

And second,
your intellect is dazzling.

- And third, I've seen the naked pictures of you.
- Oh, right.

- Let's not discuss the cheerleader outfit.
- Oh.

So if l-

If I wanted to go there,
you'd go there?

In a second.

Oh, if only Obama had picked you
as vice president.

What a world we'd have then.

Look, I can see
the defendant's point.

The man was dying anyway.
What's the big deal?

Well, what about the doctor
or the hospice worker...

who wants to speed the death
of that cancer patient dying in agony?

Or what about the nurses who opt
to withhold treatment from those
severely retarded infants...

who only face a lifetime of misery?

We don't go down that path.

We don't start measuring
the quality of people's lives...

to decide whether or not they live.

The defendant took the law into
his own hands and murdered somebody.

Nobody gets the right to do that.

Whether the person is on death row...

whether a person has a day left to live,
an hour or even a minute...

you don't get to shoot somebody.

That's the law.

"That's the law!"

Because of a presumed
sanctity of human life?

That sanctity was off the table here.
The life was being executed by the state.

Uh, forgive me. But you know
what I think is really going on is...

this man doesn't like
capital punishment...

and he's trying to bring
scrutiny upon it.

It's the only possible explanation.

If he can get you to say,
"This execution was wrong"...

well, that's one step from saying,
"Gee, maybe executions are wrong."

- That's ridiculous!
- More ridiculous than accusing
a man of murdering someone...

who was being executed?

Let's not kid ourselves. There are those out
there trying to get rid of capital punishment.

And I would suspect they have to be tricky
because they know...

we the people are
overwhelmingly for it.

We the people know
the death penalty...

is one of the things
that makes America...

well, America.

Not many countries have it, you know.

We're the only westernized country left.

And it's not easy being
in the company of Iraq...

China, Saudi Arabia,
Pakistan, Sudan.

And I'll admit, the reasons for abolishing
capital punishment are compelling.

It costs us hundreds of millions of dollars.

Up to six times more than life imprisonment.
It doesn't seem to deter crime.

Murder rates are actually lower
in non-death penalty states.

It's well known.
Canada's homicide rate...

fell 40% after they abolished
the death penalty.

We botch executions, a lot.

Medical evidence now shows that
even when they go off without a hitch...

the executed suffer,
perhaps, excruciating pain.

There are many reasons to do away
with capital punishment, but we don't.

Because, let's face it, the death penalty,
it's who we are as a people.

We're an eye-for-an-eye
kind of nation.

And we don't have to apologize for it.

Listen, if somebody killed my son-

We believe in executing murderers.

It's... justice.

The only thing my client did here
was carry out the state's mission.

It makes no sense...

to be prosecuting him.

The only conceivable explanation
is that this man...

is insidiously trying to bring scrutiny
on the death penalty...

because he secretly is against it.

No, look. As I said to her lawyer over there,
I like Martha Headly.

Nice lady. But my God,
sales is about selling.

It's about relating to people.
She doesn't even read the newspaper.

Well, George Bush
doesn't read the paper.

I'd never hire George Bush.
Would anybody?

- Yet you voted forJohn McCain, who supports-
- No, no, no, no.

This is not about politics.
This is about being smart or not smart.

And she is the latter.

Mr. Feldcamp, to be fair, you're basing
your conclusion on her political opinion.

No. What I'm saying is that whatever
your opinion is about anything...

at least be able to defend it,
and failing that, articulate it.

Martha's never been the brightest bulb
in the tanning booth.

But when she talks politics,
l-I just cringe. I go...

"How can I have a person
like that working for me?"

Well, guess what.
My company. I don't have to.

Do you make all your employees
defend their political beliefs?

Not all my employees
launch into them.

But had she defended
hers better, she might-

For 16 months, she went prancing around
talking, "Hillary, Hillary, Hillary."

And then she railed against Obama's
inexperience all throughout the primaries.

And then out comes some
moose hunter from Alaska.

She knows nothing about Sarah Palin.

- Or aboutJohn McCain.
What does that say about her?
- Sarah?

- No.
- Hillary?
- Her!

What does it say about a person
who can be so arbitrary, so fickle?

And this is about stuff she
actually felt strongly about.

I'll tell you what it says:
She is an idiot.

Let somebody else hire her.
I don't think it'll be you.

How dare you let him go off
on me like that in a courtroom!

- I didn't "let" him go off.
- Yes, you did.

He was bellowing that I was an idiot
and you just sat there.

- And so did you, of all people.
- Now wait. What's that supposed to mean?

It means that it was blatant sexism.

And I expected more
from a person of your caliber.

- Now hold on here.
- Is that the kind of lawyer you are?

- Is that the kind of woman?
- Honey, the sexist in all this is you.

- Me?
- Yeah.

You claim to be a staunch
Hillary Clinton supporter.

You- You walked into that booth
and voted against everything
Hillary stands for. And why?

Because the Republicans
added to their ticket...

someone they referred to
at the convention as "the hot chick."

Oh. So you just sit quiet
and let me get brutalized on the stand-

I sat there for two reasons. First,
there was no valid objection to be made.

- And second?
- You are an idiot.

At-will employment means
exactly that, Your Honor.

At the employer's will.

Certainly, we can't fire anybody
for race or ethnicity.

But, well, intellect,
or a person's lack of it...

bosses fire people
all the time for that.

Mr. Davidson, to fire someone
for their political opinion is still-

Your Honor, if I may, that's one way
to look at this. The other way...

are we saying that stupidity
can never be grounds for discharge...

when it's cloaked
in political content?

He's the boss.
It's his company.

So as long as he stays
within the law...

he gets to hire and fire
who he wants.

The unassailable right to vote
is the core principle of any democracy.

And people have the right to cast
their ballot for whomever they want...

for good reasons, for bad reasons
or for no reason at all.

Let's face it, Your Honor...

we as a nation are horribly uninformed
when it comes to politics.

Approximately one-third
of the people in this country...

people of voting age, couldn't tell you
the name of our current vice president.

Now admittedly, some of us like
to block it out, but even so...

only two in five adult Americans know
we have three branches of government.

And Mr. Feldcamp expects
his employees to actually know
the political issues of the day?

Well, today our news programs consist solely
of sensational headlines and sound bites.

People forgo newspapers
for the Internet...

where instead of relying on credentialed
journalists, they turn to these bloggers.

Sort of entry-level life-forms that intellectually
have yet to emerge from the primordial ooze.

This is how we've gotten
the elected officials we've gotten.

We've never really cared
about issues. Come on!

We're more concerned with how
Hillary looks in a pantsuit.

Or whether Barack can bowl.

We don't always go
for the best or the brightest.

We elect the guy we'd most
like to have a beer with...

or the gal we'd like to feel up
in the back of the car.

Now I certainly wouldn't pick my airline
pilot that way or my accountant or doctor.

But for my president, so often, it's, "Give me
the blue-collar, lunch-bucket, good ol'boy...

who fits in best
at the pancake breakfast."

The problem with Mr. Feldcamp,
and forgive me...

I hesitate to say this about anybody,
but he's an elitist.

- Objection.
- I realize that's much worse
than being called stupid.

Mr. Shore, let's stay on message.

The message is we vote for who we like!

It's as simple as that.
We don't need to have a reason.

It's as simple as that. The Founding Fathers
did not form a meritocracy.

This is a democracy. We can be as stupid
as we choose. We're Americans.

We're as simple as that.

All right, look. I don't like it.

Butjust as we don't get into...

why a person voted
the way he or she did...

nor do we get into why a boss
terminates somebody in an at will.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It sounds like I'm losing.

Your motion for
an injunctive relief is denied.

If she wants to sue for lost wages,
I can't stop her.

But we're done here.
We are adjourned.

I'm sorry, Martha.

You didn't try hard enough.
That's what happened.

I'll be suing you next.

I never liked you.

She seemed much more fun
in high school.

Huh. Oh, well.

Shirley, in anticipation of winning,
I booked a little celebration dinner at the Ritz.

The restaurant that comes
equipped with private rooms...

should we have too much
celebratory wine.

Shirley, one's life is a sum
of his or her experiences.

Okay, Alan.

- Oh.
- With Denny's permission.

- What? Why do you need-
- Because I do.

Till then, I'll be waiting.

- Has the jury reached a verdict?
- [Man] We have, Your Honor.

How say you?

"In the matter of the Commonwealth
of Virginia versus Preston Holt...

"on the charge of murder
in the second degree...

we find the defendant...
not guilty."

The court thanks you for your service.

- The defendant is free to go. We are adjourned.
- Thank you, Mr. Sack.

- You're welcome.
- I wasn't exactly sure of your strategy there, but-

Not to worry.
Neither was I.

- Thank you, Mr. Crane.
- You're welcome, son.

Do you think it's odd
that when running for office...

having an Ivy League education
is considered a liability?

- No.
- You don't?

No. A Harvard grad
took us into Vietnam.

A Yale grad bought us Iraq.
We've learned our lesson.

Denny, between you and me,
do we really think he made it through Yale?

- With a little help.
- Oh.

Denny, there's...

something a little-
[Chuckles]

Well, delicate I've been
meaning to discuss.

- What?
- Well...

they say as a man... ages...

he eventually sits alone...

with nothing but his memories.

I'm concerned that-

well, with the... mad cow...

you could possibly be robbed
of your memories in the end.

And what a horrible thing...

not being able to even
recollect the things...

that brought you
your most profound joy.

Making love to Shirley.

How sad if one day...

you weren't able to remember all the...

wonders of Shirley.

How she... smelled.

How she tasted. How-

I was thinking, if that day
ever came and you no longer-

It would be great...

if I could tell you about it,
to help you remember.

- Maybe I should make love with
Shirley once, just so I'd know-
- You're pathetic!

Exploiting my mad cow just so you
could get in the sack with Shirley?

All right.

I can't believe you just did that!

Waltzing me down mad cow lane where
there's no memory lane just so you-

All right!

Here's where your logic failed, Alan.

First of all, I'll never
be alone because I got you.

Secondly, I could never forget
what it was like to be with Shirley...

because there was a magic there
that no man could ever forget.

In fact, there's a chance...

that it'll be the last memory
I'll have in the end.

It could be the only thing
I'll talk about at the end.

All day long...

every day I'll tell you about it.

I'll tell you how
we moved together as one...

one night on the beach
in Nantucket.

How her breasts were as soft
and as pure as a baby's behind.

- You really are cruel.
- Yes, I am.

Cruel enough to shoot you...

if you so much as look at Shirley.

I need a new woman to objectify.

- What do you think of Sarah Palin?
- Ohh.

Those pouty lips.

And those down-to-earth,
slutty good looks.

I've got two things to say about
Sarah Palin-right here, right now.

- Do you think we're sexist?
- Why do you ask that?

Just wondering aloud.

What about Shirley and Sarah...
together?

There's a ticket.

Who wouldn't vote for that?

[Woman]
You stinker!