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1
00:00:01,067 --> 00:00:03,865
- Previously on Boston Legal.
- I'm in trouble now.
2
00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:06,235
- Yes.
- What's with me?
3
00:00:06,306 --> 00:00:09,503
- I killed a man.
- I bludgeoned him with his own skillet.
4
00:00:09,576 --> 00:00:13,410
They're only two get-out-of-jail-free cards
in the game, and you've used them both up.
5
00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:15,072
- You know what you are?
- A hoot.
6
00:00:15,148 --> 00:00:16,740
With a capital "H."
That's what you are.
7
00:00:16,816 --> 00:00:19,683
- My friend-
- I am not your friend.
8
00:00:19,753 --> 00:00:21,948
- You and me on a road trip.
- A dude ranch!
9
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:26,220
- A dude ranch?
- It's horses and sheep.
10
00:00:26,292 --> 00:00:29,853
We'll have campfires
and marshmallows and tents...
11
00:00:29,929 --> 00:00:31,055
and sheep.
12
00:00:31,998 --> 00:00:35,399
[Chorus Vocalizing]
13
00:00:35,468 --> 00:00:38,801
[Theme From Bonanza]
14
00:01:01,327 --> 00:01:03,318
All right. Be honest.
15
00:01:03,396 --> 00:01:05,887
- Have you ever ridden a horse before?
- Of course I have. Why?
16
00:01:05,965 --> 00:01:10,129
- You look a little stiff.
- Don't worry about me. I've ridden plenty.
17
00:01:10,203 --> 00:01:13,297
Just like riding a bike.
Never forget.
18
00:01:13,373 --> 00:01:15,671
- When have you ridden a horse?
- When I was a kid.
19
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:16,640
- Where?
- At a party.
20
00:01:16,709 --> 00:01:19,007
- A pony?
- No!
21
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:22,014
I don't know.
His name was Thunderclap.
22
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,175
He had a hat with holes
cut out for his ears.
23
00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:26,343
- All right, look. We can't do this.
- Why not?
24
00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:29,252
- Because this is a serious dude ranch, dude.
- Well!
25
00:01:29,322 --> 00:01:31,517
We got a rodeo
followed by a three-day ride...
26
00:01:31,591 --> 00:01:33,786
and no Ritz-Carltons along the way.
27
00:01:33,860 --> 00:01:35,623
What's your point?
28
00:01:35,695 --> 00:01:38,664
My point is, this is obviously the first time
you've ever mounted a proper horse.
29
00:01:38,731 --> 00:01:41,097
I know how to ride just fine.
Don't worry about me.
30
00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:43,192
- [Whinnies]
- Whoa. Whoa.
31
00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:46,705
Well, this is what I call a small world.
That's what this is.
32
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:49,867
- Look at you, Al, snuggling up to your horse.
- Oh, Jesus.
33
00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,968
Like two peas in a pod.
Am I right, Denny?
34
00:01:52,045 --> 00:01:55,481
Whoo-whee! Ride 'em, cowboy.
To each his own. That's what I say.
35
00:01:55,548 --> 00:01:57,311
- Who is this guy?
- Melvin Palmer.
36
00:01:57,383 --> 00:02:00,614
I don't believe we've actually met.
Apleasure. I am a big fan.
37
00:02:00,687 --> 00:02:03,383
Al and I go way back.
That's what we do.
38
00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:06,516
Hey! We need to be bunkies.
That's what we need to do.
39
00:02:06,593 --> 00:02:10,359
Home on the range, where the deer,
the antelope and the three of us play.
40
00:02:10,430 --> 00:02:12,455
- This is gonna be a hoot.
- I want to go home.
41
00:02:12,532 --> 00:02:13,863
- [Horse Whinnies]
- Whoa!
42
00:02:13,933 --> 00:02:17,391
- [Funk]
- [Man Vocalizing]
43
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,995
[Man]
Uh-huh
44
00:02:21,174 --> 00:02:23,369
- All right
- Boom.
45
00:02:24,377 --> 00:02:27,403
Come on
46
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,072
[Lips Pop]
47
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:31,549
Come on
All right
48
00:02:31,618 --> 00:02:33,347
Well, yeah
49
00:02:34,954 --> 00:02:36,854
Well, yeah
50
00:02:41,728 --> 00:02:43,719
Outlaw
51
00:02:45,932 --> 00:02:48,162
[Gate Closes]
52
00:02:50,136 --> 00:02:54,095
- I asked for Alan!
- He's out of state. You get me.
53
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:56,165
What did you do?
54
00:02:58,011 --> 00:03:02,744
Well, I was a victim of terrible malpractice,
if you must know.
55
00:03:02,815 --> 00:03:05,511
And I took issue with the doctor.
56
00:03:05,585 --> 00:03:09,351
- You took issue with the doctor how?
- I blew him up.
57
00:03:09,422 --> 00:03:11,686
I didn't mean to.
58
00:03:11,758 --> 00:03:13,817
I only meant to set fire to his office.
59
00:03:13,893 --> 00:03:15,884
How would I know
he'd run back inside?
60
00:03:15,962 --> 00:03:18,590
So basically, you committed murder.
61
00:03:18,665 --> 00:03:21,225
Well, aren't you a defendant's dream?
62
00:03:21,301 --> 00:03:23,360
My God, Catherine.
63
00:03:23,436 --> 00:03:25,233
Look, honey.
The doctor didn't die.
64
00:03:25,305 --> 00:03:27,535
In fact, he was only barely hurt.
65
00:03:27,607 --> 00:03:31,407
So I'm only charged
with attempted murder.
66
00:03:31,477 --> 00:03:34,537
I'm sure you'll do fine,
but you won't be as good as Alan.
67
00:03:34,614 --> 00:03:38,710
- [Buzzer Buzzes]
- Why don't you tell me what went down?
68
00:03:38,785 --> 00:03:41,754
What exactly was his malpractice?
69
00:03:41,821 --> 00:03:44,346
Well, I have some kidney issues...
70
00:03:44,424 --> 00:03:46,756
and I became anemic.
71
00:03:46,826 --> 00:03:51,559
The doctor put me on a drug that caused me
to have a small heart attack.
72
00:03:51,631 --> 00:03:53,792
I'm fine now, but I could have died.
73
00:03:53,866 --> 00:03:57,666
Then I come to find out this doctor
is taking kickbacks...
74
00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:59,898
from the maker of the drug.
75
00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:02,567
That's when I decided
to torch his office...
76
00:04:03,643 --> 00:04:06,441
and inadvertently blew him up.
77
00:04:06,512 --> 00:04:09,276
I've already been arraigned...
78
00:04:09,349 --> 00:04:11,374
so you needn't bother with the trivial.
79
00:04:11,451 --> 00:04:15,581
Let's just go to trial.
And I'd like a speedy one.
80
00:04:15,655 --> 00:04:18,522
After all, I'm old.
As are you, dear.
81
00:04:21,527 --> 00:04:23,688
She handled her own arraignment.
82
00:04:23,763 --> 00:04:26,823
Evidently, she's gotten quite comfortable
with the judicial process.
83
00:04:26,899 --> 00:04:29,129
What'll be your defense? Revenge?
84
00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:32,103
Temporary insanity.
It's my only choice.
85
00:04:32,171 --> 00:04:34,139
Plus, she is nuts.
86
00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:38,337
Katie, I need you to do some
checking for me on a doctor.
87
00:04:38,411 --> 00:04:41,778
Also, I need a little background
on a drug called axelogen.
88
00:04:41,848 --> 00:04:43,839
- Okay.
- And then there's a-
89
00:04:47,587 --> 00:04:50,147
I'm terribly sorry.
My computer calendar is off.
90
00:04:50,223 --> 00:04:53,351
It indicated Halloween was today.
I apologize.
91
00:04:53,426 --> 00:04:56,554
I'm headed home to change.
It won't happen again.
92
00:04:57,630 --> 00:05:00,030
[Giggling]
93
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:14,037
Balls, balls, balls!
94
00:05:14,113 --> 00:05:17,048
I get one of those damn little smartphones
'cause supposedly they do everything.
95
00:05:17,116 --> 00:05:19,710
Music, daily planner, e-mail, text.
96
00:05:19,786 --> 00:05:22,186
I ask it to keep track of the damn date?
That's too much.
97
00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:24,223
You like my outfit?
It's not Halloween.
98
00:05:24,290 --> 00:05:28,351
And I would have to be seen
by Shirley and Sack. Balls, balls, balls!
99
00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:32,194
- If it's any consolation, I think you look lovely.
- It's not funny.
100
00:05:35,068 --> 00:05:37,434
- [Clears Throat] Carl.
- Bo.
101
00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:41,329
Jerry, you've made rather
a point of saying...
102
00:05:41,407 --> 00:05:44,240
that this is the year
that you'll make partner.
103
00:05:44,310 --> 00:05:46,540
There are many ways
of getting that job done, Jerry.
104
00:05:46,612 --> 00:05:51,379
Prancing around the office as Little Bo Peep
is not one of the better ones.
105
00:05:51,451 --> 00:05:54,545
Won't happen again.
106
00:05:56,989 --> 00:06:00,288
This is a very grown-up place, Jerry.
107
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,555
Halloween is a kid's thing.
108
00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:14,796
I actually arrived
before the fire department.
109
00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:16,569
Sir, what possessed you
to enter the building?
110
00:06:16,642 --> 00:06:19,133
Well, the fire looked fairly
small when I got there...
111
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:20,975
and I thought I could rescue my files.
112
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:24,574
And the woman who set this fire,
she was your patient?
113
00:06:24,650 --> 00:06:28,142
- Yes.
- And what were you treating her for?
114
00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:32,157
She has some kidney disease for which
she gets occasional dialysis treatments.
115
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:36,059
She was suffering from some anemia,
so I put her on axelogen.
116
00:06:36,129 --> 00:06:38,324
- [Prosecutor] That was for the anemia?
- Yes.
117
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:41,834
At first, it worked quite well.
She then suffered the heart attack.
118
00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:44,734
That was unfortunate,
but it was also unforeseeable.
119
00:06:44,804 --> 00:06:48,171
Sometimes there are side effects
that you just can't anticipate...
120
00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:50,835
especially with these new drugs.
121
00:06:55,381 --> 00:06:57,815
- [Horse Whinnies]
- Sweet.
122
00:06:57,884 --> 00:07:00,819
- You my mount?
- What did you just say?
123
00:07:00,887 --> 00:07:03,014
I'm at a dude ranch, dude.
Not like I can be choosy.
124
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:06,081
- Besides, all the sheep are spoken for. I checked.
- Excuse me!
125
00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:10,619
- This is my wife here.
- Really? Okay. You must want me.
126
00:07:10,696 --> 00:07:14,530
- What's going on here?
- This man is making a sexual advance on my wife.
127
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:16,295
She is nasty.
128
00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:18,530
- Excuse me?
- In a slutty sort of way.
129
00:07:18,604 --> 00:07:20,663
- Oh, my God!
- I paid a lot of money for this vacation!
130
00:07:20,740 --> 00:07:22,537
- I'm trying to show her a good time.
- Did you hear this?
131
00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:25,304
Did you hear what this disgusting person
just said to my wife?
132
00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:28,541
- Go get your horse.
- Fine.
133
00:07:30,149 --> 00:07:33,516
My God. What a thing.
134
00:07:33,586 --> 00:07:35,554
What a thing.
135
00:07:39,725 --> 00:07:42,159
It's terrible to have a heart attack.
136
00:07:42,228 --> 00:07:44,662
- Have you had one?
- Not yet.
137
00:07:44,730 --> 00:07:48,029
Oh! Something I wouldn't
wish on anybody.
138
00:07:48,100 --> 00:07:50,364
- Well-
- [Clears Throat]
139
00:07:50,436 --> 00:07:52,666
Catherine, at the time,
the drug was considered safe.
140
00:07:52,738 --> 00:07:56,299
By who?
The manufacturer and him.
141
00:07:56,375 --> 00:07:58,002
- And he was on the take.
- Objection.
142
00:07:58,077 --> 00:08:00,443
Sustained.
143
00:08:00,513 --> 00:08:03,175
Do you realize doctors also get rebates?
144
00:08:03,249 --> 00:08:06,343
That's in addition
to the little stipend under the table.
145
00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:08,546
Objection. Nothing is done
under the table.
146
00:08:08,621 --> 00:08:11,920
How do the rebates work,
Catherine, if you know?
147
00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:16,018
Well, the doctor buys the drug directly
from the pharmaceutical company.
148
00:08:16,095 --> 00:08:20,259
They give a rebate based
on the amount the doctor purchases.
149
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:22,494
Then the doctor sells it to the patient.
150
00:08:22,568 --> 00:08:24,661
No discount to reflect the rebate.
151
00:08:24,737 --> 00:08:28,901
And is reimbursed by either
Medicare or private insurance.
152
00:08:28,975 --> 00:08:33,378
So he's making a cash windfall
every time he prescribes the drug.
153
00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:35,914
- The fix is in.
- Objection!
154
00:08:35,982 --> 00:08:39,577
- Sustained.
- These doctors are bought and paid for.
155
00:08:39,652 --> 00:08:42,746
- Strike that.
- And sometimes so are the judges.
156
00:08:43,623 --> 00:08:45,557
Oh, not you, of course.
157
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:54,898
- [Man] Here they are.
- The other campers voted to send you both home.
158
00:08:54,967 --> 00:08:57,561
- What? Why?
- Why?
159
00:08:57,637 --> 00:09:00,731
Because he made an unwanted
sexual advance on my wife.
160
00:09:00,806 --> 00:09:04,799
Not in the spirit of things. Now, many of us
paid a lot of money for a wonderful escape.
161
00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:07,539
- The trip of a lifetime.
- Irene didn't seem to mind.
162
00:09:07,613 --> 00:09:09,444
- Did you hear what hejust said?
- Sir-
163
00:09:09,515 --> 00:09:11,312
You- don't talk to me.
164
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:14,148
- What did I do?
- He's just a hoot. That's what he is.
165
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,211
He's a troublemaker, not in the spirit.
166
00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:19,588
Look. It's not that I wouldn't love
to leave this flea-infested paradise.
167
00:09:19,659 --> 00:09:23,117
- By the way, the brochure
never said the ranch included him.
- Hooter.
168
00:09:23,195 --> 00:09:25,629
[Gasps]
Oh, my God! He fondled my buttocks!
169
00:09:25,698 --> 00:09:28,132
- What?
- Now listen!
170
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:31,499
I'm gonna give the two of you
one last warning.
171
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:35,007
- You play by my rules, or I send you packing.
- No!
172
00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:37,838
I paid a lot of money
for an experience of a lifetime here!
173
00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:40,504
[Man]
Get 'em out of here.
174
00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:45,312
- Denny, you promised this would be fun.
- I'm having fun.
175
00:09:45,384 --> 00:09:47,750
This is a blast.
That's what this is.
176
00:09:48,821 --> 00:09:50,755
Hoot.
177
00:09:58,097 --> 00:10:00,895
- Carl.
- Katie.
178
00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:04,095
So tell me, Carl,
do you have Halloween plans?
179
00:10:04,170 --> 00:10:07,606
Oh, that's right. It's a kid's thing.
180
00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:11,609
Were you always...
how you are now, Carl?
181
00:10:11,677 --> 00:10:16,137
- How I am now?
- You know, so proper and behaved...
182
00:10:16,215 --> 00:10:18,206
and-
183
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:21,481
And what? Go ahead.
Take your best shot.
184
00:10:21,554 --> 00:10:24,717
- I'm a big boy.
- You're not actually.
185
00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:27,281
I'd say you were a big grown-up.
186
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:30,523
It's a pity.
187
00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:37,065
Oh, I wish you'd waited
till I got back, Shirley.
188
00:10:37,136 --> 00:10:42,164
Well, make sure you talk to the drug rep
from the pharmaceutical company.
189
00:10:42,241 --> 00:10:44,675
- You might even want to put him on the stand.
- Excuse me.
190
00:10:44,744 --> 00:10:48,145
- No phone calls allowed.
- I have an emergency at the office.
191
00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:50,478
We all have our offices.
We all have our little crises.
192
00:10:50,549 --> 00:10:53,484
You see any of us on the phone?
He's not in the spirit again.
193
00:10:53,552 --> 00:10:55,884
Could you just go off and work
with your dialect coach?
194
00:10:55,955 --> 00:10:58,719
- Did you hear that? What a thing!
- Leave him alone, lan!
195
00:10:58,791 --> 00:11:01,521
- Are you taking his side?
- You promised you wouldn't be getting upset.
196
00:11:01,594 --> 00:11:03,721
Now her vacation's ruined.
I don't know why you put up with him.
197
00:11:03,796 --> 00:11:06,264
- Nobody was talking to you!
- You've done nothing but talk about me!
198
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:07,924
Because you've done nothing
but cause trouble.
199
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:11,163
- You're an extra. You don't get to talk.
- Oh, my God!
200
00:11:11,237 --> 00:11:13,671
- Do you just say whatever-
- You don't get to talk because-
201
00:11:13,739 --> 00:11:16,230
- [All Shouting]
- Is that it for you, Mr. Rudeness?
202
00:11:16,308 --> 00:11:18,868
- That's what you are.
- Hey!
203
00:11:18,944 --> 00:11:21,242
What kind of example is that,
shooting a gun?
204
00:11:21,313 --> 00:11:24,009
- That's a terrible example to set!
- Oh, my God!
205
00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:26,210
[All Shouting]
206
00:11:27,486 --> 00:11:29,078
- Hey!
- Again!
207
00:11:29,155 --> 00:11:31,680
I've about had it with you,
you understand?
208
00:11:31,757 --> 00:11:34,385
- Why does nobody like me?
- I like you, bunkie.
209
00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:37,554
You just stick close to me
for the rest of the trip.
210
00:11:37,630 --> 00:11:39,564
- My God. That one's a homosexual.
- Lan!
211
00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:42,533
It was supposed to be the trip of a lifetime,
and now we have a homosexual.
212
00:11:42,601 --> 00:11:45,263
It's a "don't ask, don't tell"dude ranch.
Surely you knew that.
213
00:11:45,337 --> 00:11:48,204
The one in the middle's a masher,
you're rude, and he's gay.
214
00:11:48,274 --> 00:11:52,074
- And all three are from Boston.
- Buddy, I'm gonna take you out behind this here-
215
00:11:52,144 --> 00:11:55,739
- [All Shouting]
- I'm calling it like I see it. Cowboys aren't gay.
216
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:13,558
I think she felt so violated
after the heart attack, and angry...
217
00:12:13,632 --> 00:12:16,624
that she went into a mild
dissociative state.
218
00:12:16,702 --> 00:12:19,796
- What does that mean?
- It means basically that she snapped.
219
00:12:19,872 --> 00:12:24,138
She was so blinded by rage and fear,
she lost herself.
220
00:12:24,210 --> 00:12:28,306
In my opinion, she was not capable
of forming a mental intent.
221
00:12:28,380 --> 00:12:30,678
- Are you getting paid for this testimony?
- Objection.
222
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:33,241
- Overruled.
- Are you getting paid?
223
00:12:33,319 --> 00:12:35,287
I'm compensated for my services, yes.
224
00:12:35,354 --> 00:12:38,255
- How much for today?
- $10,000.
225
00:12:38,324 --> 00:12:42,818
So she snapped, lit a fire, but now
she's sane again. Is that about it?
226
00:12:42,895 --> 00:12:45,295
I believe she's sane again, yes.
227
00:12:45,364 --> 00:12:46,831
Got it.
228
00:12:53,239 --> 00:12:55,764
[Country]
229
00:12:55,841 --> 00:12:57,866
[Whip Cracks]
230
00:13:00,079 --> 00:13:04,277
[Man] Well, I met her accidentally
in Saint Paul, Minnesota
231
00:13:04,350 --> 00:13:08,616
And it tore me up every time
I hear that drawl, Southern drawl
232
00:13:08,687 --> 00:13:10,712
Then I heard my dream
went back downstream
233
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,724
Cavorting in Davenport
234
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:17,126
And I followed you, big river
when you called
235
00:13:17,196 --> 00:13:21,530
Well, I taught the weeping willow
how to cry, cry, cry
236
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:25,036
Now I showed the clouds
how to cover up a clear, blue sky
237
00:13:25,104 --> 00:13:28,039
And the tears I cried
for that woman
238
00:13:28,107 --> 00:13:30,200
Are gonna flood you
big river
239
00:13:30,276 --> 00:13:33,575
And I'm gonna sit right here
till I die
240
00:13:38,951 --> 00:13:42,182
Michael, row your boat ashore
241
00:13:42,254 --> 00:13:45,655
Hallelujah
242
00:13:45,724 --> 00:13:49,160
Michael, row your boat ashore
243
00:13:49,228 --> 00:13:52,527
Hallelujah
244
00:13:52,598 --> 00:13:55,999
Sister, help to trim the sails
245
00:13:56,068 --> 00:13:59,435
Hallelujah
246
00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:01,996
Sister, help to trim the sails
247
00:14:02,074 --> 00:14:05,066
- I can't believe you got me into this.
- Me? It was your idea.
248
00:14:05,144 --> 00:14:08,910
- My idea was to take a trip, not do this.
- Adjust your attitude.
249
00:14:10,282 --> 00:14:12,944
- Hallelujah
- Look.
250
00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:16,954
- I think Irene likes me.
- Got a home on the other side
251
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:20,253
Hallelujah
252
00:14:21,794 --> 00:14:23,955
Hey, all right!
253
00:14:25,531 --> 00:14:28,557
- Um-
- Okay, lan, you got a request?
254
00:14:28,634 --> 00:14:31,626
Yes. Um, could you please
put the cigar out, please?
255
00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:37,108
You know, it causes cancer, and I'm here
for a wonderful vacation escape, not cancer.
256
00:14:37,176 --> 00:14:40,543
It keeps the bugs away.
If only it worked on pests.
257
00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:42,547
- That's a put-down.
- Lan.
258
00:14:42,615 --> 00:14:45,982
No, no. Never mind, Irene.
That was a total put-down.
259
00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:49,077
- Oh, come on, Mr. Smart-mouth!
- [Man] It was no put-down, man!
260
00:14:49,154 --> 00:14:52,123
- Everybody quiet!
- [Animal Howling]
261
00:14:52,191 --> 00:14:57,754
Damn it. This is supposed to be
a joyful sing-along where we all bond.
262
00:14:57,830 --> 00:15:00,230
I have a problem.
These aren't even cowboy songs.
263
00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:03,166
I paid a lot of money
for the experience of a lifetime too.
264
00:15:03,235 --> 00:15:05,169
I expected to hear cowboy songs.
265
00:15:05,237 --> 00:15:07,171
How 'bout "Surrey with the Fringe on Top"?
266
00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:09,400
Or "Sweet Betsy from Pike"?
267
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:13,775
"Michael, Row Your Boat Ashore" is a religious
song with a nautical theme for the kids.
268
00:15:13,846 --> 00:15:15,973
Next we'll have Irene here
singing in tongues.
269
00:15:16,048 --> 00:15:19,347
- Excuse me!
- I don't want my wife's name
out of your dirty mouth!
270
00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:21,113
- Do you hear me?
- Whoa!
271
00:15:23,389 --> 00:15:27,450
- Would you please?
- Hey, I got a cowboy song.
272
00:15:27,526 --> 00:15:30,222
Pass me that guitar, sport.
273
00:15:30,296 --> 00:15:33,663
You know,
I am a get-along kinda guy.
274
00:15:33,732 --> 00:15:35,666
That's what I am.
275
00:15:35,734 --> 00:15:39,363
And in the spirit of us
all gettin'along here...
276
00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:44,171
I'm gonna dedicate this little number
to my buddies Alan and Denny.
277
00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:46,973
[Guitar]
278
00:15:49,715 --> 00:15:55,517
As I walked out
in the streets of Laredo
279
00:15:55,587 --> 00:16:01,321
As I walked out in Laredo one day
280
00:16:01,393 --> 00:16:04,157
I spied a young cowboy
281
00:16:04,229 --> 00:16:07,027
All dressed in white linen
282
00:16:07,099 --> 00:16:09,659
Wrapped in white linen
283
00:16:09,735 --> 00:16:14,297
As cold as the clay
284
00:16:14,373 --> 00:16:17,433
I see by your outfit
285
00:16:17,509 --> 00:16:20,034
That you are a cowboy
286
00:16:20,112 --> 00:16:22,706
- I see by your outfit
- [People Chuckling]
287
00:16:22,781 --> 00:16:26,547
That you are one too
288
00:16:26,618 --> 00:16:31,419
We see by your outfits
that you are both cowboys
289
00:16:31,490 --> 00:16:34,425
If we get some outfits
290
00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:37,758
We can be cowboys too
291
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:39,889
[Laughing]
292
00:16:40,966 --> 00:16:43,298
- They're making fun of us.
- I heard it.
293
00:16:43,369 --> 00:16:45,837
- That was a Smothers Brothers bit.
- I didn't like that song.
294
00:16:45,904 --> 00:16:49,704
We went to a lot of trouble to getjust
the right outfits, and we quite like them.
295
00:16:49,775 --> 00:16:51,572
That song wasn't in the spirit, Melvin.
296
00:16:51,643 --> 00:16:55,704
Well, good buddy, most hats
don't come with on-off buttons.
297
00:16:55,781 --> 00:16:59,376
Turn your hats on, Al, Denny.
Let the group see.
298
00:16:59,451 --> 00:17:03,080
There's nothing wrong with a hat that can be
used as a light source in case of emergency.
299
00:17:03,155 --> 00:17:05,885
No doubt. Turn 'em on.
Let us have a look.
300
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:08,290
[Woman]
Yeah. I want to see it.
301
00:17:08,360 --> 00:17:11,557
[Laughing]
302
00:17:11,630 --> 00:17:13,791
- What?
- They're just jealous.
303
00:17:16,001 --> 00:17:18,060
Come on, Denny.
Let's go back to the tent.
304
00:17:19,772 --> 00:17:21,706
Oh!
305
00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:24,038
[Harmonica]
306
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:33,613
[Harmonica]
307
00:17:34,953 --> 00:17:38,616
["Oh, My Darling Clementine"]
308
00:17:40,125 --> 00:17:43,253
[Animal Howling]
309
00:17:50,969 --> 00:17:53,995
Do you think there are
mountain lions out there?
310
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:57,133
- Or wolves?
- Could be.
311
00:17:57,209 --> 00:18:01,077
Denny, I really want to go home.
Can we please go home in the morning?
312
00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:04,240
- It's our first day.
- I don't care!
313
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:09,615
I don't like pooping in the woods.
I may have wiped myself with poison oak.
314
00:18:09,688 --> 00:18:12,122
And I don't like the group.
315
00:18:12,191 --> 00:18:15,160
It reminds me of when I was little
and kids were mean.
316
00:18:15,227 --> 00:18:17,252
I was bullied as a child, you know?
317
00:18:17,329 --> 00:18:21,356
Alan, I gotta tell you something, and I
don't want you to take it personally.
318
00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:23,492
- Promise me you won't take it personally?
- Okay. What?
319
00:18:25,671 --> 00:18:27,605
- I have an erection.
- Oh, God!
320
00:18:27,673 --> 00:18:30,198
It has nothing to do
with you personally, I swear.
321
00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:33,767
I've had it all day ever since I took the Viagra
thinking it was my hay fever pills.
322
00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:38,180
And I think I got one
of those... priapism things.
323
00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:40,775
- That can be dangerous.
- I know.
324
00:18:42,454 --> 00:18:45,116
What if the group finds out?
Alan, would you take a look?
325
00:18:45,190 --> 00:18:47,124
- Because-
- Absolutely not!
326
00:18:47,192 --> 00:18:48,352
- Alan!
- No!
327
00:18:48,427 --> 00:18:51,828
Well, what am I gonna do?
Plus, I gotta pee.
328
00:18:51,897 --> 00:18:54,161
Which is almost impossible when-
329
00:18:54,233 --> 00:18:57,862
- We are going home first thing in the morning.
- [Twigs Snapping]
330
00:19:00,873 --> 00:19:03,467
[Whispers]
What was that?
331
00:19:03,542 --> 00:19:05,772
[Gasps]
332
00:19:05,844 --> 00:19:08,904
- Something's out there.
- Hello?
333
00:19:11,550 --> 00:19:13,848
Hello?
334
00:19:13,919 --> 00:19:16,149
- [Whispers] Go out and look.
- You go.
335
00:19:16,221 --> 00:19:18,155
No. You have to pee anyway.
336
00:19:18,223 --> 00:19:21,386
[Crunching]
337
00:19:26,398 --> 00:19:28,866
There. It's just a sheep.
338
00:19:28,934 --> 00:19:32,267
- [Bleats]
- Are they vicious, the wild ones?
339
00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:34,771
I don't think so.
340
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,035
I'm gonna go try and pee.
341
00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:39,043
Hurry.
342
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:45,207
[Animal Calling]
343
00:19:52,157 --> 00:19:55,718
[Man]
You see this guy
344
00:19:57,196 --> 00:20:02,532
- This guy's in love with you
- Hi.
345
00:20:03,835 --> 00:20:07,362
- Get back in this tent!
- What?
346
00:20:07,439 --> 00:20:10,203
Don't even think of it.
Just get back here.
347
00:20:10,275 --> 00:20:12,300
I think she loves me.
348
00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:17,076
- Never mind.
- [Bleats]
349
00:20:25,991 --> 00:20:28,255
That's me in college.
350
00:20:28,327 --> 00:20:29,954
And here-
351
00:20:32,331 --> 00:20:34,424
That's me in high school.
I was wild.
352
00:20:34,499 --> 00:20:38,458
My parents thought I was a problem,
all right? I was plenty wild.
353
00:20:38,537 --> 00:20:42,132
- My goodness. Who is this person?
- So don't pity me.
354
00:20:42,207 --> 00:20:45,199
- I was once very much a kid.
- I never meant to imply that you weren't.
355
00:20:45,277 --> 00:20:47,507
I was simply pitying the fact
that you no longer are.
356
00:20:47,579 --> 00:20:50,241
They-They say we were happiest
as children...
357
00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:52,749
and those most happy in adulthood...
358
00:20:52,818 --> 00:20:55,946
are the ones who never
let die the child within.
359
00:20:56,021 --> 00:20:58,854
There are plenty of proper lawyers
who dress up on Halloween...
360
00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:00,949
or who wear hula skirts in Hawaii.
361
00:21:01,026 --> 00:21:04,154
Denny and Alan are off somewhere
pretending to be cowboys.
362
00:21:05,597 --> 00:21:07,997
But that sort of nonsense
doesn't work for Carl Sack?
363
00:21:08,066 --> 00:21:10,193
That's not him.
364
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:14,638
Perhaps someone he used to be,
but not anymore.
365
00:21:14,706 --> 00:21:16,606
Most certainly not.
366
00:21:20,612 --> 00:21:22,671
Don't take it personally, Carl.
367
00:21:22,748 --> 00:21:24,739
How can I not, Shirley?
368
00:21:24,816 --> 00:21:27,546
It wasn't a professional criticism.
It was personal.
369
00:21:27,619 --> 00:21:30,452
Actually, I wouldn't mind
a professional critique once in a while.
370
00:21:30,522 --> 00:21:35,391
But, well, personally,
I consider myself a professional.
371
00:21:35,460 --> 00:21:37,018
[Chuckles]
372
00:21:37,095 --> 00:21:39,655
Don't bite your lip.
I don't like it when you bite your lip.
373
00:21:39,731 --> 00:21:42,222
- How 'bout I bite yours?
- Oh, you're handling me now.
374
00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:44,701
- Yes, I am.
- In the office.
375
00:21:44,770 --> 00:21:46,704
- I know.
- I'm not a fuddy-duddy.
376
00:21:46,772 --> 00:21:49,172
Yes, you are- a little one.
377
00:21:49,241 --> 00:21:51,675
It doesn't matter.
I like fuddy-duddies.
378
00:21:51,743 --> 00:21:56,043
Hey, should McCain get in,
we'd actually have a fuddy-duddy in chief.
379
00:21:56,114 --> 00:21:58,014
- Elmer Fuddy-duddy.
- [Chuckles]
380
00:21:59,484 --> 00:22:01,349
- Let's go to dinner.
- I can't.
381
00:22:01,420 --> 00:22:03,911
I have to work on my closing.
382
00:22:03,989 --> 00:22:05,923
Lord knows what I'm gonna say.
383
00:22:05,991 --> 00:22:10,223
- She practically blew up her doctor.
- Sound a little dismissive.
384
00:22:10,295 --> 00:22:13,230
Well, if you knew
this crazy Catherine Piper-
385
00:22:15,167 --> 00:22:17,533
Did I ever tell you how my mother died?
386
00:22:17,602 --> 00:22:20,070
New blood thinner medication...
387
00:22:20,138 --> 00:22:22,436
which, when combined with aspirin...
388
00:22:22,507 --> 00:22:25,101
caused her to bleed out from an ulcer.
389
00:22:25,177 --> 00:22:28,237
Turns out her doctor,
who prescribed the medication...
390
00:22:28,313 --> 00:22:30,941
was a paid consultant
for the drug company.
391
00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:34,110
You don't think doctors
are on the take, do you?
392
00:22:34,186 --> 00:22:37,212
I think they prescribe drugs
they think are safe.
393
00:22:37,289 --> 00:22:39,086
But I mean, let's face it.
394
00:22:39,157 --> 00:22:42,888
With the rising malpractice premiums,
lower H.M.O. Reimbursements...
395
00:22:42,961 --> 00:22:47,193
many doctors can't even afford
to practice these days...
396
00:22:47,265 --> 00:22:49,733
without pharmaceutical
consulting grants.
397
00:22:49,801 --> 00:22:52,292
And with those grants...
398
00:22:52,371 --> 00:22:55,067
comes a loss of objectivity.
399
00:22:56,641 --> 00:22:59,166
Did this doctor at least tell
this crazy Catherine Piper...
400
00:22:59,244 --> 00:23:02,702
- that he was on the drug company's payroll?
- No.
401
00:23:03,782 --> 00:23:05,773
Hmm.
402
00:23:09,821 --> 00:23:12,551
[Cell Phone Ringing]
403
00:23:18,797 --> 00:23:20,924
Hello?
404
00:23:20,999 --> 00:23:22,933
Denny. Denny!
405
00:23:24,035 --> 00:23:26,162
- Where are you?
- I'm trapped.
406
00:23:27,539 --> 00:23:31,100
- You gotta come and help me.
- Trapped? Where?
407
00:23:31,176 --> 00:23:34,339
- What's going on?
- In Hoberman's tent.
408
00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:36,904
- I came to visit Irene.
- What?
409
00:23:36,982 --> 00:23:39,246
Shh. I fell asleep after.
410
00:23:39,317 --> 00:23:43,617
Now Irene's gone,
and lan's passed out on top of me.
411
00:23:43,688 --> 00:23:46,623
- I can't move.
- You've gotta be kidding me.
412
00:23:46,691 --> 00:23:49,489
Get over here and help get me free...
413
00:23:49,561 --> 00:23:51,495
before he wakes up.
414
00:23:51,563 --> 00:23:54,031
- Where's Irene?
- I don't know.
415
00:23:54,099 --> 00:23:57,330
Just get over here. Hurry.
416
00:24:01,573 --> 00:24:03,632
Which tent are you-
417
00:24:03,708 --> 00:24:07,508
Never mind. I think I know.
418
00:24:09,948 --> 00:24:12,610
Oh, my.
419
00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:18,814
- See if you can get his leg off.
- Where's Irene?
420
00:24:18,890 --> 00:24:21,882
- Would you forget about Irene?
- [Grunts]
421
00:24:23,261 --> 00:24:25,991
[Groans, Smacks Lips]
422
00:24:26,064 --> 00:24:28,692
[Lan Snoring]
423
00:24:28,767 --> 00:24:30,632
- Hurry!
- Don't rush me.
424
00:24:48,086 --> 00:24:50,987
[Snorts, Snoring]
425
00:24:52,090 --> 00:24:54,081
His arm- Get his arm.
426
00:24:54,159 --> 00:24:57,151
[Exhales]
This won't be easy.
427
00:25:03,268 --> 00:25:05,463
Ooh.
428
00:25:07,672 --> 00:25:11,438
- [Screams]
- [All Screaming]
429
00:25:27,692 --> 00:25:30,752
I still don't understand.
Where exactly was Irene?
430
00:25:30,829 --> 00:25:34,287
She went out to pee.
Then lan came in drunk, crashed-
431
00:25:34,366 --> 00:25:37,802
- Let's get outta here.
- Maybe we can get back in time for Halloween.
432
00:25:37,869 --> 00:25:41,396
- We could go as cowboys.
- And where do you think you're going?
433
00:25:41,473 --> 00:25:45,637
We're getting the hell outta Dodge!
What's with the rifle?
434
00:25:47,979 --> 00:25:52,609
You have to marry Irene, or the sheep,
or the captain of the hockey team.
435
00:25:52,684 --> 00:25:54,549
You think you're funny.
436
00:25:54,619 --> 00:25:57,213
I paid a lot of money
for the trip of a lifetime.
437
00:25:57,289 --> 00:26:00,281
Well, you certainly got that,
didn't you, lan?
438
00:26:00,358 --> 00:26:03,555
In addition to being head of this dude ranch,
I'm a volunteer constable sheriff.
439
00:26:03,628 --> 00:26:06,563
- Good for you.
- I'm placing you under arrest.
440
00:26:06,631 --> 00:26:08,758
- Arrest?
- For what?
441
00:26:08,833 --> 00:26:11,927
Adultery is a crime in the state of Utah,
as is fornication out of wedlock.
442
00:26:12,003 --> 00:26:14,733
- Very funny.
- You have the right to remain silent.
443
00:26:14,806 --> 00:26:17,138
- You must be joking.
- And you're under arrest too.
444
00:26:17,208 --> 00:26:19,073
Me? For what?
445
00:26:19,144 --> 00:26:22,910
Conspiracy to commit adultery, aiding
and abetting an adulterer and a fornicator.
446
00:26:22,981 --> 00:26:26,644
Now you have the experience
of a lifetime, don't you, Mr. Boston?
447
00:26:26,718 --> 00:26:31,587
Mr. Red Sox fan. Mr. Aider and Abettor
from the evil Red Sox nation!
448
00:26:31,656 --> 00:26:33,624
- All right. That does it.
- [Gasps]
449
00:26:33,692 --> 00:26:35,626
- [Irene] lan!
- Oh, for God's sake, Denny.
450
00:26:35,694 --> 00:26:37,525
It's a tranq gun.
He'll sleep it off.
451
00:26:37,596 --> 00:26:39,962
Put down your weapon now.
452
00:26:40,031 --> 00:26:41,965
[All Chattering]
453
00:26:50,275 --> 00:26:53,369
Whether the doctor
made a mistake or not...
454
00:26:53,445 --> 00:26:56,881
that doesn't give her the right
to set fire to his office.
455
00:26:56,948 --> 00:27:01,442
Oh, sure. They put up a hired gun expert
to claim that she was temporarily insane.
456
00:27:01,519 --> 00:27:03,510
Dissociative state...
457
00:27:03,588 --> 00:27:07,991
couldn't distinguish right from wrong,
not capable of forming mental intent.
458
00:27:08,059 --> 00:27:12,553
All the technical buzzwords
to allow you to free...
459
00:27:12,631 --> 00:27:14,622
a sweet old lady.
460
00:27:16,067 --> 00:27:18,297
But you all know what happened.
461
00:27:18,370 --> 00:27:22,170
She got mad and got even.
462
00:27:24,476 --> 00:27:27,912
You know the death grip the pharmaceutical
industry has on this country.
463
00:27:27,979 --> 00:27:30,504
They've infiltrated the F.D.A.
464
00:27:30,582 --> 00:27:35,019
A study showed that 90%
of all F.D.A. Advisory meetings...
465
00:27:35,086 --> 00:27:38,180
had at least one person
with ties to big pharmaceutical.
466
00:27:38,256 --> 00:27:40,190
And then there's Congress.
467
00:27:40,258 --> 00:27:45,560
Big Pharma gave members of Congress
$ 70 million since 1990.
468
00:27:45,630 --> 00:27:48,224
So who does that leave us
with but our doctors?
469
00:27:48,299 --> 00:27:50,597
And even they're being bought.
470
00:27:50,669 --> 00:27:53,695
Between consulting fees and rebates...
471
00:27:53,772 --> 00:27:56,707
doctors get hundreds of millions
of dollars every year.
472
00:27:56,775 --> 00:27:58,766
And my God, look what's happening.
473
00:27:58,843 --> 00:28:01,710
Drugs are being prescribed like candy.
474
00:28:01,780 --> 00:28:04,613
A famed Harvard psychiatrist-
475
00:28:04,683 --> 00:28:08,779
He helped fuel the recent boom
in antipsychotics for kids.
476
00:28:08,853 --> 00:28:10,946
Turns out he personally...
477
00:28:11,022 --> 00:28:14,150
took over $1.6 million
from drugmakers...
478
00:28:14,225 --> 00:28:16,284
over the past seven years.
479
00:28:16,361 --> 00:28:21,389
Um, he also failed to report this income
to the university, by the way.
480
00:28:21,466 --> 00:28:24,765
How can this be?
481
00:28:24,836 --> 00:28:28,272
We have no regulations,
no disclosure procedures in place.
482
00:28:28,339 --> 00:28:30,864
Nothing to ensure that we,
the patients...
483
00:28:30,942 --> 00:28:34,810
can know whether our doctor
is on the take.
484
00:28:34,879 --> 00:28:36,642
How can this be?
485
00:28:36,715 --> 00:28:39,309
Catherine Piper had a heart attack.
486
00:28:39,384 --> 00:28:41,909
She almost died.
487
00:28:41,986 --> 00:28:44,250
An unsafe drug was rushed to the market.
488
00:28:44,322 --> 00:28:46,313
It was prescribed by her own physician...
489
00:28:46,391 --> 00:28:50,794
perhaps because he had
a financial incentive to do so.
490
00:28:50,862 --> 00:28:53,092
She nearly died.
491
00:28:55,066 --> 00:28:57,000
When you go back to that room...
492
00:28:57,068 --> 00:29:00,231
I want you to try to imagine
what it's like...
493
00:29:00,305 --> 00:29:02,364
to suffer a heart attack...
494
00:29:02,440 --> 00:29:06,536
to be lying on your kitchen floor...
495
00:29:06,611 --> 00:29:11,014
with no one around,
thinking this is it.
496
00:29:13,118 --> 00:29:16,610
It may not even be possible
to imagine that.
497
00:29:16,688 --> 00:29:19,589
But then she found out...
498
00:29:19,657 --> 00:29:24,924
that the person she perhaps
trusted the most did this to her.
499
00:29:27,165 --> 00:29:30,100
It made her crazy.
500
00:29:30,168 --> 00:29:32,329
Wouldn't it you?
501
00:29:52,557 --> 00:29:54,889
- Jerry?
- Katie.
502
00:29:56,194 --> 00:29:59,027
You have a paper bag over your head.
503
00:29:59,097 --> 00:30:01,031
I do.
504
00:30:01,099 --> 00:30:03,329
Could you tell me why?
505
00:30:03,401 --> 00:30:07,360
I was looking to crawl under a big rock.
There were none available.
506
00:30:07,438 --> 00:30:09,872
The reason you wanted
to crawl under a big rock?
507
00:30:09,941 --> 00:30:13,638
I passed three partners today
who called me Bo.
508
00:30:13,711 --> 00:30:16,475
A fourth referred to me
as the Peepster.
509
00:30:16,548 --> 00:30:19,642
Evidently I was seen dressed
for Halloween prematurely.
510
00:30:19,717 --> 00:30:22,811
- And this is tragic.
- It is if one wants to make partner.
511
00:30:22,887 --> 00:30:24,821
[Lips Popping]
512
00:30:24,889 --> 00:30:28,552
And if those same partners were to catch a
glance of you with a paper bag on your head?
513
00:30:28,626 --> 00:30:30,526
- Damage is done.
- Jerry, take the bag off.
514
00:30:30,595 --> 00:30:34,224
You'll likely breathe in your own
carbon dioxide. It's not healthy.
515
00:30:34,299 --> 00:30:36,233
Take it off.
516
00:30:40,371 --> 00:30:43,067
Do you know what happens to lawyers
who make partner, Jerry?
517
00:30:43,141 --> 00:30:46,736
They become locked in, lifers.
I'm not sure that's something you want.
518
00:30:46,811 --> 00:30:49,609
Plus, there's rumors concerning
the firm's financial health.
519
00:30:49,681 --> 00:30:52,081
We represent a lot of mortgage lenders.
520
00:30:52,150 --> 00:30:54,880
Partners don't just get the fruits.
They get all the liabilities.
521
00:30:54,953 --> 00:30:59,788
It's just for seven years,
I've chased this particular carrot.
522
00:30:59,858 --> 00:31:01,826
Didn't get it.
523
00:31:01,893 --> 00:31:03,884
Now I'm up again.
524
00:31:05,163 --> 00:31:07,461
- If I blow it-
- This is that important?
525
00:31:07,532 --> 00:31:09,466
Yes.
526
00:31:09,534 --> 00:31:12,970
Well, if my opinion
counts for anything, l-
527
00:31:13,037 --> 00:31:15,301
I thought you made
a perfectly fab Lady Peep.
528
00:31:31,456 --> 00:31:33,549
What's wrong?
529
00:31:33,625 --> 00:31:35,718
They were arrested.
530
00:31:38,062 --> 00:31:39,962
- Who?
- Denny and Alan.
531
00:31:40,031 --> 00:31:42,556
For what?
532
00:31:42,634 --> 00:31:46,229
Seems Denny committed adultery,
which evidently can be prosecuted in-
533
00:31:46,304 --> 00:31:50,104
I don't know what Alan did.
They're being arraigned in the morning.
534
00:31:50,174 --> 00:31:53,769
- Can't they go to a stupid
dude ranch without get-
- [Chuckling]
535
00:31:53,845 --> 00:31:56,143
Boy, you just find everything
funny these days.
536
00:31:56,214 --> 00:31:58,375
I'm- I'm sorry. I don't know
what happened there.
537
00:31:58,449 --> 00:32:00,974
Yes, you do.
Denny did something crazy.
538
00:32:01,052 --> 00:32:02,986
Last week he bet on a case.
539
00:32:03,054 --> 00:32:06,353
The week before that,
he had his penis hooked up to a monitor.
540
00:32:06,424 --> 00:32:09,518
It was cock-a-doodle-dooing
in a courtroom.
541
00:32:09,594 --> 00:32:12,154
It's just one thing after another.
542
00:32:12,230 --> 00:32:14,755
And I'm not being Elmer Fuddy, Shirley.
543
00:32:14,832 --> 00:32:18,063
The man is losing his mind.
We all know it. We laugh it off.
544
00:32:18,136 --> 00:32:20,366
We say, "Isn't the mad cow cute?"
545
00:32:22,373 --> 00:32:25,274
At what point does it stop being funny?
546
00:32:25,343 --> 00:32:29,040
At what point do we all admit
the man needs help?
547
00:32:39,524 --> 00:32:41,355
[Woman]
Case number 4212.
548
00:32:41,426 --> 00:32:43,485
State of Utah versus Denny Crane...
549
00:32:43,561 --> 00:32:45,688
on the charge of adultery,
conspiracy to commit-
550
00:32:45,763 --> 00:32:47,822
Alan Shore for the defendant,
Your Honor.
551
00:32:47,899 --> 00:32:49,890
We waive reading
and plead not guilty...
552
00:32:49,968 --> 00:32:53,131
and ask for immediate extradition
to the Commonwealth of Massachusetts...
553
00:32:53,204 --> 00:32:56,503
or any jurisdiction where the criminal
justice code isn't written in the good book.
554
00:32:56,574 --> 00:32:59,008
- Hold on. Wait a second.
- He's a defendant too, Judge.
555
00:32:59,077 --> 00:33:03,411
Yes, I am, Your Honor. Mr. Crane would
be your adulterer and fornicator.
556
00:33:03,481 --> 00:33:05,415
I would be your aider and abettor.
557
00:33:05,483 --> 00:33:07,474
I'm not quite sure
how Irene escaped charges...
558
00:33:07,552 --> 00:33:10,919
since adulterating and fornicating
is traditionally done in tandem.
559
00:33:10,989 --> 00:33:14,390
- [Gavel Raps]
- Mr. Shore, defendants do not speak
in my courtroom.
560
00:33:14,459 --> 00:33:19,226
Ah. So that little right to confront one's
accuser? How's that done? On the Web?
561
00:33:20,431 --> 00:33:22,092
If you cannot afford counsel, one-
562
00:33:22,166 --> 00:33:24,498
I can. I'm rich.
Actually, Denny and I flew here private.
563
00:33:24,569 --> 00:33:28,528
We can afford the best attorneys,
and sometimes judges, that money can buy.
564
00:33:28,606 --> 00:33:31,871
I'll represent myself.
And let mejust toss out as an icebreaker-
565
00:33:31,943 --> 00:33:34,741
Utah is not the state that wants
to prosecute adultery.
566
00:33:34,812 --> 00:33:38,680
While it may technically be a crime,
so is polygamy, which you don't prosecute.
567
00:33:38,750 --> 00:33:41,184
I'm sure I'll get letters for saying so.
But you don't.
568
00:33:41,252 --> 00:33:43,948
- [Gavel Raps]
- I seem to be getting a lot of gavel whacks.
569
00:33:44,022 --> 00:33:45,751
Is it just me?
Your own attorney general...
570
00:33:45,823 --> 00:33:49,623
went on record as saying you lack resources
to go after all the polygamists.
571
00:33:49,694 --> 00:33:52,060
Let's face it. You've got a lot of them.
Not a judgment.
572
00:33:52,130 --> 00:33:54,530
Personally, I'm a fan. So is Denny.
He's had six wives.
573
00:33:54,599 --> 00:33:56,567
Is it six? Or seven?
574
00:33:56,634 --> 00:33:58,397
The former head of NOW in Utah-
575
00:33:58,469 --> 00:34:02,064
I love that the National Organization
of Women actually has a chapter in Utah.
576
00:34:02,140 --> 00:34:04,700
Anyway,
she said the anti-polygamy law...
577
00:34:04,776 --> 00:34:07,802
has become as irrelevant as
the spitting on the sidewalk ordinance.
578
00:34:07,879 --> 00:34:10,040
Now, I know how we all love
to spit in Utah.
579
00:34:10,114 --> 00:34:13,208
You look like a loogie hacker from way back.
Send those letters.
580
00:34:13,284 --> 00:34:15,616
I even find polygamy funny, just a little.
581
00:34:15,686 --> 00:34:18,382
These loser guys with all these women.
The hairdos.
582
00:34:18,456 --> 00:34:21,152
Unfortunately, in many cases,
there's child abuse involved.
583
00:34:21,225 --> 00:34:24,490
Whack away. But if you're
going to ignore child abusers...
584
00:34:24,562 --> 00:34:29,090
and come after me for aiding and abetting
adultery, all I can say is take your shot.
585
00:34:29,167 --> 00:34:31,465
Please. I beg you. Take your shot.
586
00:34:31,536 --> 00:34:34,300
Mr. Shore, are you threatening
the good state of Utah?
587
00:34:34,372 --> 00:34:37,398
You're a quick study. I can see why they made
you judge. That's exactly what I'm doing.
588
00:34:37,475 --> 00:34:40,205
I'm ready to take on the state,
Mr. Constable with the rifle there...
589
00:34:40,278 --> 00:34:42,269
and you and everyone you're married to.
590
00:34:42,346 --> 00:34:44,541
- Let the fun begin.
- Oh, it will be fun.
591
00:34:44,615 --> 00:34:47,482
But first, I don't let people
represent themselves in my courtroom.
592
00:34:47,552 --> 00:34:52,785
So, the first thing we're going to do
is get you an independent lawyer.
593
00:34:52,857 --> 00:34:55,621
Judge? I'll represent the hoot brothers.
594
00:34:55,693 --> 00:34:59,185
Oh, no. I'm not gonna be defended
by him or any other clown.
595
00:34:59,263 --> 00:35:02,994
I was there, Judge.
I could be a witness, in fact. Your call.
596
00:35:03,067 --> 00:35:07,595
But either way, I could tell you a few things
about Mr. Shore and Mr. Crane.
597
00:35:07,672 --> 00:35:10,607
- Shall we go to chambers?
- Let's go.
598
00:35:10,675 --> 00:35:13,974
Wait a second. If you're gonna have an
ex parte meeting, we have a right to be present.
599
00:35:14,045 --> 00:35:16,536
Fine. But you keep your mouth
absolutely shut.
600
00:35:16,614 --> 00:35:18,548
One word, and you're out.
601
00:35:18,616 --> 00:35:21,608
- What the hell are you doing?
- Just do as the judge says, Al.
602
00:35:21,686 --> 00:35:25,486
For once in your life,
let me do the talkin'.
603
00:35:28,426 --> 00:35:31,020
- First of all, I don't know-
- First of all, you don't talk.
604
00:35:31,095 --> 00:35:33,620
Not a peep. Or you go tojail.
605
00:35:33,698 --> 00:35:35,996
Let's hear it.
606
00:35:36,067 --> 00:35:38,934
Judge, I'm gonna be honest.
I don't like this man.
607
00:35:39,003 --> 00:35:41,130
The old guy I kind of enjoy.
608
00:35:41,205 --> 00:35:43,673
He's just an old fart
who should be retired to stud.
609
00:35:43,741 --> 00:35:46,335
But him- I tell you what.
I'm from Texas.
610
00:35:46,410 --> 00:35:49,379
And in Texas, if somebody messes
with a man's wife, you shoot him.
611
00:35:49,447 --> 00:35:52,644
Hell, he steps on your property, you shoot him.
Let me tell you somethin'.
612
00:35:52,717 --> 00:35:55,880
This guy,
he wants to stand trial here.
613
00:35:55,953 --> 00:35:58,012
That's why he was baiting you like that.
614
00:35:58,089 --> 00:36:00,922
He gets his jollies out of
playing David against Goliath.
615
00:36:00,992 --> 00:36:05,986
That's what he does. But the thing is,
he wields one hell of a slingshot.
616
00:36:06,063 --> 00:36:09,863
He took on the entire Supreme Court,
insulted every one of'em...
617
00:36:09,934 --> 00:36:12,368
and he won his case to boot.
618
00:36:12,436 --> 00:36:15,530
This man can make some
serious noise in a courtroom.
619
00:36:15,606 --> 00:36:19,975
And let's face it, none of us wants
to see a big flap here, do we?
620
00:36:20,044 --> 00:36:23,639
Prosecuting for adultery?
[Clicks Tongue] Nobody does that.
621
00:36:23,714 --> 00:36:26,581
Not even Texas. You certainly
don't want to be doing that here.
622
00:36:26,651 --> 00:36:29,711
Not with the polygamy thing
going on.
623
00:36:29,787 --> 00:36:33,120
Polygamy is illegal in Utah
and not practiced by the majority.
624
00:36:33,191 --> 00:36:35,751
But it goes on, Judge. It goes on.
625
00:36:35,826 --> 00:36:38,886
And like he said,
often with underage girls.
626
00:36:38,963 --> 00:36:42,990
Now, Utah's a fine state.
Fresh air, fine people, Orrin Hatch.
627
00:36:43,067 --> 00:36:45,001
You got it all.
628
00:36:45,069 --> 00:36:49,563
But this polygamy thing-
He's dying to get his day in your court.
629
00:36:49,640 --> 00:36:52,871
Don't make his day, Judge.
Don't give this son of a bitch what he wants.
630
00:36:52,944 --> 00:36:55,242
Boot his girlie ass out of here.
631
00:36:55,313 --> 00:36:59,272
Otherwise, you'll be spoon-feeding him
the soapbox of a lifetime.
632
00:36:59,350 --> 00:37:02,114
Look at the way he's drooling already.
633
00:37:02,186 --> 00:37:05,781
So's the old guy.
But that's the mad cow.
634
00:37:07,024 --> 00:37:10,460
- I'm dismissing the charges.
- Too bad, Al.
635
00:37:10,528 --> 00:37:13,497
And I'm banning the both of you
from Utah for life!
636
00:37:13,564 --> 00:37:16,158
What? I got rezzies at Deer Valley.
I'm already booked!
637
00:37:16,234 --> 00:37:18,327
You'll be booked in here
if you don't shut your mouth!
638
00:37:18,402 --> 00:37:21,496
Get out ofhere, both of you!
I never want to see you again!
639
00:37:33,784 --> 00:37:37,276
They weren't out very long.
Do you think they considered me sane?
640
00:37:37,355 --> 00:37:40,415
If only they could know you like I do.
641
00:37:40,491 --> 00:37:43,153
I don't think I could handle prison,
Shirley.
642
00:37:43,227 --> 00:37:46,025
I hear the fights in the yard
can get pretty rough.
643
00:37:46,097 --> 00:37:49,157
Stiff upper lip, Catherine.
644
00:37:49,233 --> 00:37:52,464
Will the defendant please rise?
645
00:37:52,536 --> 00:37:55,300
Madam Foreperson, has the jury
reached a unanimous verdict?
646
00:37:55,373 --> 00:37:57,933
We have, Your Honor.
647
00:37:58,009 --> 00:38:00,637
In the matter of the Commonwealth
of Massachusetts versus Catherine Piper...
648
00:38:00,711 --> 00:38:03,441
on the charge
of attempted murder and arson...
649
00:38:03,514 --> 00:38:06,176
we find the defendant, Catherine Piper...
650
00:38:06,250 --> 00:38:09,344
not guilty by reason
of temporary insanity.
651
00:38:09,420 --> 00:38:12,184
Ladies and gentlemen of thejury,
thank you for your service.
652
00:38:12,256 --> 00:38:15,191
- You are dismissed. This court is adjourned.
- [Gavel Raps]
653
00:38:15,259 --> 00:38:18,387
- Thank God they bought it.
- Yeah.
654
00:38:18,462 --> 00:38:21,954
Well, I guess prison's
gonna have to wait.
655
00:38:22,033 --> 00:38:24,194
Well, until your next crime.
656
00:38:24,268 --> 00:38:26,828
Oh, thank you, Shirley.
657
00:38:26,904 --> 00:38:29,134
You've been almost like
a big sister to me.
658
00:38:30,241 --> 00:38:32,175
L- I'm touched.
659
00:38:36,047 --> 00:38:39,210
Melvin Palmer,
of all people, to get us off.
660
00:38:39,283 --> 00:38:42,081
I now have to feel indebted to him.
661
00:38:42,153 --> 00:38:44,144
- Can you imagine?
- He's a good guy.
662
00:38:44,221 --> 00:38:46,314
- Good guy? How can you possib-
- I like him.
663
00:38:46,390 --> 00:38:48,688
[Alan]
Oh, my.
664
00:38:52,863 --> 00:38:55,491
Okay. Let's hear it.
665
00:38:55,566 --> 00:38:59,024
You are so sexy.
666
00:38:59,103 --> 00:39:01,503
- So are you.
- Thank you, Denny.
667
00:39:01,572 --> 00:39:03,164
- We're off to a party.
- Really?
668
00:39:03,240 --> 00:39:06,607
I thought maybe Carl was taking you
to his favorite club.
669
00:39:06,677 --> 00:39:08,736
- Very funny.
- I'm not kidding, Carl.
670
00:39:08,813 --> 00:39:11,941
After a few days on a dude ranch,
you actually look good to me.
671
00:39:12,016 --> 00:39:14,416
Don't you agree, Denny?
672
00:39:14,485 --> 00:39:17,454
- You see this guy
- Denny? Denny!
673
00:39:17,521 --> 00:39:20,081
- Denny! Denny!
- Hey! What the hell?
674
00:39:20,157 --> 00:39:23,752
What is wrong with you?
Good God. Are you all right?
675
00:39:23,828 --> 00:39:25,420
- I think he bit me.
- What?
676
00:39:25,496 --> 00:39:27,691
- Will you ever change?
- [Grunts]
677
00:39:37,942 --> 00:39:39,933
I feel a little gypped.
678
00:39:40,010 --> 00:39:43,275
That whole trip was just unsatisfying.
679
00:39:43,347 --> 00:39:46,282
- How so?
- I don't know.
680
00:39:50,588 --> 00:39:53,648
Maybe it was the stark contrast
between that magnificent scenery...
681
00:39:53,724 --> 00:39:55,715
and those awful ranching people.
682
00:39:55,793 --> 00:39:58,261
Well, at least you and I got to spend
some time together.
683
00:39:58,329 --> 00:40:01,662
Oh, please. You only had eyes
for barnyard animals.
684
00:40:01,732 --> 00:40:06,260
Denny, you think I was too rough on Utah,
playing the polygamy card?
685
00:40:06,337 --> 00:40:09,101
It was cheap, but, hey,
they came after us first.
686
00:40:09,173 --> 00:40:11,471
We have to take another trip.
This one didn't count.
687
00:40:13,878 --> 00:40:16,073
They were wrong about our outfits.
688
00:40:16,147 --> 00:40:17,910
- We were hot.
- We're always hot.
689
00:40:17,982 --> 00:40:20,951
Irene... loved me. Could you tell?
690
00:40:21,018 --> 00:40:22,645
- Lan didn't.
- No.
691
00:40:25,122 --> 00:40:28,614
The best sex to be had
is with the Irenes of the world.
692
00:40:28,692 --> 00:40:31,024
- Do you know that?
- I didn't, actually.
693
00:40:31,095 --> 00:40:34,724
Oh, yeah. See, the thing is
women who look like that...
694
00:40:34,799 --> 00:40:37,267
make love like it's the last sex
they'll ever have...
695
00:40:37,334 --> 00:40:39,802
'cause it very well could be.
696
00:40:39,870 --> 00:40:43,772
- What?
- Nothing. Just absorbing your latest pearl.
697
00:40:48,179 --> 00:40:52,809
You know, you look at the lans
and the Melvin Palmers.
698
00:40:53,918 --> 00:40:57,945
Most men are so starved
for male friendship.
699
00:40:58,022 --> 00:41:00,183
- We're blessed, Denny.
- Of course we are.
700
00:41:00,257 --> 00:41:03,055
I'll bet we're the only ones who
shared the same sleeping bag.
701
00:41:03,127 --> 00:41:04,788
- Yeah.
- Oh!
702
00:41:04,862 --> 00:41:08,821
- I'm sorry about the erection.
- I'm over it.
703
00:41:13,671 --> 00:41:15,662
We really are the best couple I know.
704
00:41:15,739 --> 00:41:18,799
Mm-hmm. And we only get better.
705
00:41:19,910 --> 00:41:22,538
We do.
706
00:41:23,814 --> 00:41:26,305
We do.
707
00:42:09,860 --> 00:42:11,452
[Woman]
You stinker!
58596
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