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1
00:00:26,761 --> 00:00:29,764
Oh, I gotta stop.
I gotta stop this story.
2
00:00:29,797 --> 00:00:32,634
I gotta stop the story.
Stop story.
3
00:00:32,667 --> 00:00:35,737
Oh, come on. Load,
why are you taking so long.
4
00:00:35,770 --> 00:00:37,705
Why are you so slow.
5
00:00:37,739 --> 00:00:40,374
Oh, I need to stop the story.
6
00:00:40,407 --> 00:00:42,175
No updates now!
7
00:00:43,578 --> 00:00:46,514
Oh, come on. I gotta stop it.
8
00:00:46,548 --> 00:00:48,716
He's coming.
He's coming up the stairs.
9
00:00:48,750 --> 00:00:51,653
He's coming up the stairs,
I have to stop it now!
10
00:00:51,686 --> 00:00:55,255
Come on, stop,
stop, stop, stop.
11
00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:57,291
Go away! Call 911.
12
00:00:57,324 --> 00:01:00,795
Somebody call 911.
Oh, geez! No!
13
00:01:00,828 --> 00:01:02,095
Oh no!
14
00:01:02,564 --> 00:01:04,566
No, no, no!
15
00:02:33,387 --> 00:02:35,523
- Jasmin?
- Yes?
16
00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:38,660
Alexandria. Do you have
a quick second to talk?
17
00:02:38,693 --> 00:02:40,427
I don't feel like talking
to the press right now.
18
00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:42,195
I'm not the press.
19
00:02:42,229 --> 00:02:43,564
I actually work with
your father really closely
20
00:02:43,598 --> 00:02:44,799
at Destiny Publishing.
21
00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:46,466
- Okay.
- Did he mention
22
00:02:46,501 --> 00:02:47,835
any short stories
that we was working on?
23
00:02:47,869 --> 00:02:49,704
It could be his best work yet.
24
00:02:49,737 --> 00:02:51,539
I have to go right now, may I?
25
00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:53,508
This actually might be
worth a lot of money,
26
00:02:53,541 --> 00:02:55,910
seems like you might need it.
It could help you out a lot.
27
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:57,477
- Excuse me? You got...
- The expenses
28
00:02:57,512 --> 00:02:58,646
on the house, taxes...
29
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:00,313
You've got some nerve.
30
00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:02,784
- May I?
- It could help you out a lot.
31
00:03:02,817 --> 00:03:04,919
- How long are you in town for?
- A couple of days, a week,
32
00:03:04,952 --> 00:03:06,854
- what does it matter?
- Here's my card.
33
00:03:06,888 --> 00:03:09,891
If you happen to find anything,
just give me a call.
34
00:03:09,924 --> 00:03:11,358
Whatever.
35
00:04:39,346 --> 00:04:40,480
Jasmin, where did you get this?
36
00:04:40,515 --> 00:04:41,682
In your room, Daddy!
37
00:04:41,716 --> 00:04:42,950
Why did you bring it down here?
38
00:04:42,984 --> 00:04:44,852
To play with them.
39
00:04:44,886 --> 00:04:47,320
But it's not a toy, it's
a very expensive collectible.
40
00:04:47,354 --> 00:04:48,823
It's worth a lot of money.
41
00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:50,925
Do not play
with this again. Ever.
42
00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:53,460
Jasmin, I'm busy right now,
I'm writing.
43
00:04:53,493 --> 00:04:55,029
I'm writing.
Just put it over there,
44
00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:57,098
I'll look at it later, okay?
45
00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:58,900
Jasmin,
what are you doing here?
46
00:04:58,933 --> 00:05:00,701
Papa,
?por que no me quiere?
47
00:05:00,735 --> 00:05:02,503
Speak English, Jasmin!
48
00:05:02,537 --> 00:05:04,672
We don't speak Spanish
anymore in this house.
49
00:05:04,705 --> 00:05:07,575
I lost my accent,
you can lose your accent.
50
00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:09,010
Listen, practice this,
51
00:05:09,043 --> 00:05:12,547
"She sells seashells
by the sea shore. "
52
00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:13,714
Can you do that?
53
00:05:13,748 --> 00:05:15,616
She sells she...
54
00:05:15,650 --> 00:05:17,384
Ugh, whatever!
55
00:05:17,417 --> 00:05:19,486
You've been hanging around
that maid too much.
56
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:20,988
You're speaking
too much Spanish.
57
00:05:21,022 --> 00:05:22,957
You need to go out with
the Anglo boys and
58
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:25,026
- learn better English, now!
- At least she cares!
59
00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:37,038
Pass...
60
00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:38,806
word.
61
00:05:46,581 --> 00:05:49,083
Jasmin.
62
00:06:03,898 --> 00:06:05,933
Frankenstein.
63
00:06:12,607 --> 00:06:14,374
How pathetic.
64
00:06:20,982 --> 00:06:23,017
Oh, my dear Jasmin.
65
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:26,821
As you are watching this,
uh, I'm most likely dead.
66
00:06:26,854 --> 00:06:28,823
Or maybe you've broken
into my computer.
67
00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:32,459
I'm gonna go with
dead for now.
68
00:06:32,492 --> 00:06:35,196
Listen, I know you think
I've always been hard on you,
69
00:06:35,229 --> 00:06:38,799
or ignored you,
but at a certain point,
70
00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:40,668
you did the same to me.
71
00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:42,970
Have you ever read
any of my books? Even one?
72
00:06:43,004 --> 00:06:45,039
Did you ever show
any interest in my work?
73
00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:47,942
So, as I see it, we're even.
It's tit for tat.
74
00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:50,745
Jasmin, I know in death,
families always want to have
75
00:06:50,778 --> 00:06:53,581
a moment of resolution where
they get together and say,
76
00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:55,182
"I wish we'd said this
to one another
77
00:06:55,216 --> 00:06:56,717
while we were still alive,"
78
00:06:56,751 --> 00:06:58,886
and then we'd have closure.
79
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:01,656
My point of view is,
if we didn't say it back then,
80
00:07:01,689 --> 00:07:03,591
we ain't gonna say it now.
81
00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:06,994
Jasmin, whatever resolutions
you wanted to have,
82
00:07:07,028 --> 00:07:09,030
or hoped to have with me,
83
00:07:09,063 --> 00:07:11,132
I guess
they're not gonna happen.
84
00:07:11,165 --> 00:07:13,734
Now, Jasmin,
I need to talk about the will.
85
00:07:13,768 --> 00:07:17,238
Um, it's gonna happen someday,
you're gonna get everything.
86
00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:19,073
Everything in
the house is yours,
87
00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:21,509
the books are
the most valuable thing,
88
00:07:21,542 --> 00:07:24,245
and all the movie rights and
the royalties that go with it,
89
00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:26,080
you get all that.
90
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:29,083
Let me tell you about
my most recent project.
91
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:31,686
Aw, it's gonna be great!
It's gonna be big!
92
00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:33,955
So big, it's gonna be the
biggest thing I've ever done.
93
00:07:33,988 --> 00:07:37,658
I bought a 17th century book
on black magic.
94
00:07:37,692 --> 00:07:41,796
And in that book, they teach
you how to cast magical spells
95
00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:43,597
by writing stories about them.
96
00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:45,766
And when you read
these stories aloud,
97
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,702
they come to life.
98
00:07:47,735 --> 00:07:49,637
So, this could be
much bigger than anything
99
00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:52,239
than you'd see in 3D,
men in tights
100
00:07:52,273 --> 00:07:54,008
hanging from
some walls somewhere.
101
00:07:54,041 --> 00:07:55,876
No, this is gonna be
so much bigger.
102
00:07:55,910 --> 00:07:58,746
Because when you read
these stories out loud,
103
00:07:58,779 --> 00:08:00,681
they come to life.
104
00:08:00,715 --> 00:08:03,150
You can have a real vampire
in your own kitchen.
105
00:08:03,184 --> 00:08:05,720
Now, if you do this,
remember you don't...
106
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:10,024
Oh my God,
he's gone crazy.
107
00:08:19,734 --> 00:08:23,204
Hello, everyone.
Welcome to the audio book of
108
00:08:23,237 --> 00:08:25,706
my famous
short story collection,
109
00:08:25,740 --> 00:08:27,308
Monsters in the Closet.
110
00:08:27,341 --> 00:08:31,212
Based on a 17th century book
of black magic.
111
00:08:31,245 --> 00:08:34,015
Our first story takes place
on a misty night
112
00:08:34,048 --> 00:08:36,751
with the smell
of mold everywhere.
113
00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:36,343
Forced it shut!
114
00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:45,219
Shit! Oh fuck! No!
115
00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:48,956
Ah, no! No!
116
00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:50,724
Oh fuck!
117
00:10:33,267 --> 00:10:34,368
Fuck!
118
00:10:41,208 --> 00:10:42,276
Hello?
119
00:10:44,178 --> 00:10:46,213
Somebody there?
120
00:10:49,150 --> 00:10:51,785
Hey. Hey, man, you need help?
121
00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:36,030
Oh, shit!
122
00:11:37,298 --> 00:11:38,933
It's gotta be somewhere.
123
00:11:38,966 --> 00:11:40,067
Fuck.
124
00:11:43,103 --> 00:11:44,305
Fuck.
125
00:12:27,181 --> 00:12:29,183
Oh, my God. Twinkie.
126
00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:33,053
Yes.
127
00:12:33,087 --> 00:12:34,855
Mm!
128
00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:37,124
Oh, these are...
129
00:12:39,460 --> 00:12:42,463
...not how
I remember them tasting.
130
00:12:42,496 --> 00:12:44,064
Ugh.
131
00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:46,967
Oh.
132
00:12:48,102 --> 00:12:49,169
Oh.
133
00:12:50,371 --> 00:12:52,039
Oh.
134
00:12:52,574 --> 00:12:54,041
Oh...
135
00:12:55,109 --> 00:12:56,410
Apple.
136
00:13:09,890 --> 00:13:11,992
Ugh!
137
00:13:12,026 --> 00:13:14,194
Oh, God.
138
00:13:14,228 --> 00:13:15,296
Ugh.
139
00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:23,070
Fuck.
140
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:47,261
What?
141
00:13:52,333 --> 00:13:54,034
Aw.
142
00:14:33,641 --> 00:14:35,275
Fuck.
143
00:14:43,518 --> 00:14:46,387
Oh!
144
00:14:46,420 --> 00:14:49,323
Aw!
145
00:14:49,356 --> 00:14:52,326
Hey, wait for me! I'm coming
with you.
146
00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:55,195
Maybe we can work as a team.
147
00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:14,481
Is that door locked too?
148
00:15:14,516 --> 00:15:16,450
Get the fuck away from me!
149
00:15:17,251 --> 00:15:19,353
- Fuck!
- Maybe we can...
150
00:15:19,386 --> 00:15:20,522
Oh, shit!
151
00:15:20,555 --> 00:15:22,089
May... Urr.
152
00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:24,559
Be... Grr.
153
00:15:24,592 --> 00:15:27,060
- Fuck.
- You piece of shit!
154
00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:29,229
Hey, what the fuck?
I'm trying to help you!
155
00:15:29,263 --> 00:15:31,566
Ah!
156
00:15:31,599 --> 00:15:32,667
Fuck!
157
00:15:39,507 --> 00:15:44,077
All right!
Bring it on, you fucking scum!
158
00:15:45,446 --> 00:15:48,182
Oh, fuck! Oh God, that hurts!
159
00:15:48,215 --> 00:15:49,684
Oh, fuck!
160
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:54,354
Get off!
161
00:16:29,089 --> 00:16:31,225
Dude.
162
00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:34,094
You okay?
163
00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:36,531
What is that wonderful smell?
164
00:16:36,564 --> 00:16:38,533
Is that...
165
00:16:38,566 --> 00:16:40,133
Is that coming from...
166
00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:41,235
Is that coming from you?
167
00:16:42,269 --> 00:16:45,405
Please, please be lasagna
in your pockets. Please.
168
00:16:51,646 --> 00:16:54,181
Mm, mmm, mm.
169
00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:56,250
Why'd I do that?
170
00:16:56,283 --> 00:16:58,185
I just meant to smell it.
171
00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:01,288
Hey, stop. No. Don't.
172
00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:04,491
Spit it out, spit it, spit it.
173
00:17:04,526 --> 00:17:05,693
Good girl.
174
00:17:08,295 --> 00:17:11,431
Chris?
175
00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:13,801
Chris.
176
00:17:13,835 --> 00:17:16,704
Oh, Chris. Not you too.
177
00:17:16,738 --> 00:17:19,841
I'm sorry.
178
00:17:19,874 --> 00:17:22,777
Oh, oh yeah. No, uh...
179
00:17:22,810 --> 00:17:27,180
I'm not going to finish it.
You can have the rest.
180
00:17:27,214 --> 00:17:30,417
So you will not believe
what I just did.
181
00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:33,320
Oh wait, no.
Yeah, maybe you would.
182
00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:36,056
Yeah. Right.
183
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:39,092
Hey, do you mind
if we stick together?
184
00:17:39,126 --> 00:17:41,295
This is kind of...
185
00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:43,363
I mean,
are they going to eat us?
186
00:17:43,397 --> 00:17:46,099
Are we going to eat them?
187
00:17:46,133 --> 00:17:48,603
Is there a cure for this shit
or is it like herpes?
188
00:17:50,705 --> 00:17:53,307
You know,
I probably should have
189
00:17:53,340 --> 00:17:55,843
told you this before, but...
190
00:17:57,277 --> 00:18:00,347
I used to have
the hugest crush on you.
191
00:18:02,750 --> 00:18:05,720
Yeah, not so much right now.
192
00:18:05,753 --> 00:18:09,423
So, how long
have you been a zombie?
193
00:18:09,456 --> 00:18:11,458
Are there rules I should know?
194
00:18:12,527 --> 00:18:13,861
You know,
you really haven't changed
195
00:18:13,895 --> 00:18:15,362
all that much,
come to think of it.
196
00:18:15,395 --> 00:18:16,598
- Ugh!
- What?
197
00:18:23,838 --> 00:18:26,173
Oh, baby.
198
00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:27,842
It's okay,
I'm not going to hurt you.
199
00:18:27,875 --> 00:18:29,644
I know, I would be scared too,
200
00:18:29,677 --> 00:18:31,646
but everything is gonna
be all right, I pro...
201
00:18:32,847 --> 00:18:36,316
Fuck, oh fuck!
202
00:18:36,350 --> 00:18:38,418
Fuck, did I just do that?
203
00:18:38,452 --> 00:18:41,254
I didn't mean... Chris.
Shit, I didn't mean to do that.
204
00:18:41,923 --> 00:18:46,360
No, no, no,
I won't let you have her.
205
00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:48,362
Come on, come with me.
206
00:18:48,395 --> 00:18:50,263
Come on. Get away from them.
207
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:51,766
Leave her alone.
Get out, get away.
208
00:18:51,799 --> 00:18:53,601
I won't let you have her.
209
00:18:53,635 --> 00:18:56,470
We'll hide in here.
I know just the place.
210
00:18:56,504 --> 00:18:58,806
Shh, be very quiet.
211
00:18:58,840 --> 00:19:00,775
Be very quiet,
they won't find us.
212
00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:06,581
Stay right there, wait for me.
I'm gonna lock the door.
213
00:19:06,614 --> 00:19:07,715
Um...
214
00:19:10,818 --> 00:19:13,286
They won't find us in here.
I promise you. Come on.
215
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,922
Let's get away from the door.
Come with me.
216
00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:18,960
You have to be very still,
be very quiet.
217
00:19:18,993 --> 00:19:21,896
That's a good girl.
218
00:19:21,929 --> 00:19:24,264
Shh, shh, shh.
219
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:26,901
Be a good girl.
220
00:19:28,435 --> 00:19:30,705
Wait right here with me.
221
00:19:30,738 --> 00:19:32,640
We will... shit.
222
00:19:33,775 --> 00:19:35,308
It's all right.
223
00:19:35,342 --> 00:19:38,713
We'll wait them out.
They'll go away.
224
00:19:38,746 --> 00:19:41,683
They'll go away. They can't
get in. The door is locked.
225
00:19:41,716 --> 00:19:43,518
I promise you,
they can't get in.
226
00:19:43,551 --> 00:19:44,819
It's going to be all right.
227
00:19:44,852 --> 00:19:46,521
Just stay with me.
Stay very still.
228
00:19:46,554 --> 00:19:48,488
Be very quiet. Stay with me.
229
00:19:48,523 --> 00:19:50,591
I've got you.
I've got you, it's okay.
230
00:19:50,625 --> 00:19:52,927
No, no!
231
00:19:52,960 --> 00:19:55,362
Please go away. It's okay.
232
00:19:55,395 --> 00:19:57,364
It's going to be okay.
Don't worry, I've got you.
233
00:19:57,397 --> 00:20:00,768
I won't let them hurt you.
I won't let you hurt her.
234
00:20:00,802 --> 00:20:03,403
It's gonna be all right.
Stay right here with me.
235
00:20:03,938 --> 00:20:05,673
No, no, no.
236
00:20:05,707 --> 00:20:07,441
You can't have her. Please!
237
00:20:07,474 --> 00:20:09,644
For God's sake,
leave her alone.
238
00:20:21,923 --> 00:20:23,758
Oh, no.
239
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,322
Ugh! Damn it.
240
00:21:06,601 --> 00:21:07,969
Damn it.
241
00:21:08,703 --> 00:21:10,437
These hands.
242
00:21:11,506 --> 00:21:13,674
Oh, here.
243
00:21:14,609 --> 00:21:15,777
Here.
244
00:21:15,810 --> 00:21:18,045
Take it, take the gun. Take it.
245
00:21:18,079 --> 00:21:20,681
Take it! Kill me, kill me.
246
00:21:20,715 --> 00:21:22,917
Kill me. You fucker, kill me!
247
00:21:22,950 --> 00:21:26,888
Kill, kill, kill me! Kill me.
248
00:21:26,921 --> 00:21:29,389
Oh...
249
00:21:29,422 --> 00:21:30,691
Fuck.
250
00:21:31,926 --> 00:21:33,694
Ugh.
251
00:21:34,896 --> 00:21:36,564
I'm so sorry.
252
00:21:38,099 --> 00:21:39,534
Please don't hate me.
253
00:21:39,567 --> 00:21:43,037
No!
254
00:21:43,070 --> 00:21:44,772
Oh, that's pretty.
255
00:21:45,940 --> 00:21:51,411
See, there's always something
to smile about.
256
00:21:51,444 --> 00:21:55,382
The sun is out, the air is...
257
00:21:55,415 --> 00:21:58,085
well, it's pretty rank,
actually. But...
258
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:00,521
Over there, quick.
259
00:22:00,555 --> 00:22:03,356
eat led, zombie bitch.
260
00:22:05,726 --> 00:22:07,562
Folks,
wasn't that a great story?
261
00:22:07,595 --> 00:22:09,096
A little bit scary.
262
00:22:09,130 --> 00:22:10,731
Zombies, you gotta
stay away from 'em
263
00:22:10,765 --> 00:22:12,700
because
they're after your brains.
264
00:22:12,733 --> 00:22:14,467
But let me
tell you how to make
265
00:22:14,502 --> 00:22:15,937
a great egg salad sandwich.
266
00:22:15,970 --> 00:22:17,972
First, you go to
the grocery store
267
00:22:18,005 --> 00:22:19,707
and you go to where
they have all these little
268
00:22:19,740 --> 00:22:21,374
plastic containers
on the shelves
269
00:22:21,408 --> 00:22:23,010
and you find one
that says egg salad.
270
00:22:23,044 --> 00:22:24,645
And then you buy
a loaf of bread
271
00:22:24,679 --> 00:22:26,147
and then you buy
a head of lettuce
272
00:22:26,180 --> 00:22:27,949
and you put them all together.
273
00:22:27,982 --> 00:22:30,017
And that's how you make
egg salad sandwich.
274
00:22:30,051 --> 00:22:31,853
And don't try
to give one to a zombie.
275
00:22:31,886 --> 00:22:33,888
A zombie wants
a brain salad sandwich.
276
00:22:47,768 --> 00:22:48,970
Hello?
277
00:22:53,674 --> 00:22:54,976
Hello?
278
00:22:57,578 --> 00:22:58,980
Fuck.
279
00:23:00,081 --> 00:23:02,717
Hello, is anyone downstairs?
280
00:23:10,625 --> 00:23:11,926
I said hello.
281
00:23:24,639 --> 00:23:25,740
Hello?
282
00:23:31,812 --> 00:23:32,880
Hello.
283
00:23:39,553 --> 00:23:41,454
I gotta stop smoking weed.
284
00:25:01,268 --> 00:25:03,904
For this next story,
we see a young woman
285
00:25:03,938 --> 00:25:06,674
looking longingly
at her empty backyard.
286
00:25:27,928 --> 00:25:29,797
Honey,
isn't this is so exciting?
287
00:25:29,830 --> 00:25:31,832
Oh, it's beautiful!
288
00:25:31,866 --> 00:25:33,834
I can't believe we did it.
289
00:25:33,868 --> 00:25:35,836
I can't believe we actually
finally bought our first house.
290
00:25:35,870 --> 00:25:38,205
After all
that freaking paperwork.
291
00:25:38,239 --> 00:25:40,341
It was so ridiculous.
292
00:25:40,374 --> 00:25:42,843
Oh my God,
I swear the minute I told them
293
00:25:42,877 --> 00:25:44,979
that I was South African,
that was it.
294
00:25:45,012 --> 00:25:47,048
They were like, "Well,
now we need extra deposits
295
00:25:47,081 --> 00:25:50,618
and extra guarantors,"
And it was just like...
296
00:25:50,651 --> 00:25:52,686
Little bit of xenophobia.
297
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:54,989
Yeah,
like a little bit, honestly.
298
00:25:55,022 --> 00:25:56,657
But still, I'm so excited.
299
00:25:56,690 --> 00:25:58,092
This is so amazing.
I love you so much!
300
00:25:58,125 --> 00:25:59,693
I love you too!
301
00:25:59,727 --> 00:26:01,228
Can you come?
I can't really reach.
302
00:26:01,262 --> 00:26:03,164
Yeah!
303
00:26:19,380 --> 00:26:21,949
You just made a massive hole!
304
00:26:23,217 --> 00:26:25,352
That's from the door!
305
00:26:25,386 --> 00:26:29,190
I'm gonna need a whole can
of spackle just for that hole!
306
00:26:29,223 --> 00:26:30,357
We can have a little cat!
307
00:27:05,893 --> 00:27:07,862
The water's totally brown!
308
00:27:07,895 --> 00:27:09,396
That is disgusting.
309
00:27:09,430 --> 00:27:13,167
There's probably at least
1,500 parasites in there.
310
00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:16,103
That is so nasty!
311
00:27:16,137 --> 00:27:19,206
We could be puking by morning.
312
00:27:26,981 --> 00:27:29,150
Babe, I really...
313
00:27:29,183 --> 00:27:30,951
Oh, God. Babe... Oh, ow!
314
00:27:30,985 --> 00:27:34,355
Babe...
315
00:27:34,388 --> 00:27:36,724
This is great, right?
316
00:27:36,757 --> 00:27:38,425
I mean, the appraisal
looks pretty good.
317
00:27:38,459 --> 00:27:42,696
Yeah, uh, it's yeah,
I mean, it's just that
318
00:27:42,730 --> 00:27:47,835
I wasn't expecting
so many wires and holes.
319
00:27:47,868 --> 00:27:50,070
A lot of holes.
320
00:27:50,104 --> 00:27:51,372
Yeah.
321
00:27:51,405 --> 00:27:53,340
I mean, look, it's...
322
00:27:53,374 --> 00:27:56,076
it's gonna be hard work, okay?
323
00:27:56,110 --> 00:27:57,711
I'm not gonna lie to you,
324
00:27:57,745 --> 00:27:59,413
but it's not going
to be a lot of work.
325
00:27:59,446 --> 00:28:03,350
Just some elbow grease,
you know, painting some walls,
326
00:28:03,384 --> 00:28:06,487
spackle some holes,
replace the carpet,
327
00:28:06,521 --> 00:28:07,855
fix the banister.
328
00:28:07,888 --> 00:28:09,957
We should put some tiles in,
329
00:28:09,990 --> 00:28:12,459
I think that would be...
or you know.
330
00:28:12,493 --> 00:28:14,161
Yeah. And you know,
331
00:28:14,195 --> 00:28:16,063
we probably just have
to patch the roof.
332
00:28:16,096 --> 00:28:17,798
Not like, replace the whole
thing. It's gonna be fine.
333
00:28:17,831 --> 00:28:19,500
Kinda looks like
it needs to be replaced.
334
00:28:19,534 --> 00:28:21,001
But, um, you know what?
335
00:28:21,035 --> 00:28:22,937
You're... you're right.
Honestly,
336
00:28:22,970 --> 00:28:24,772
you know what?
We... we worked so hard.
337
00:28:24,805 --> 00:28:26,373
We bought this house,
and that's all that matters.
338
00:28:26,407 --> 00:28:28,275
And as long as we have a shower
339
00:28:28,309 --> 00:28:30,844
and... and
some running water, that's,
340
00:28:30,878 --> 00:28:33,314
you know...
You checked the plumbing.
341
00:28:33,347 --> 00:28:36,050
I am going to check
the plumbing too.
342
00:28:36,083 --> 00:28:37,851
That's... that's on the list.
343
00:28:37,885 --> 00:28:43,057
So we don't know
if we have a shower right now.
344
00:28:43,090 --> 00:28:44,959
- We will.
- We will?
345
00:28:44,992 --> 00:28:46,794
- We will!
- We will know.
346
00:28:46,827 --> 00:28:51,031
You know how we'll know,
because we hired a contractor.
347
00:28:51,065 --> 00:28:52,967
We did. We did that.
And that's so great
348
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:54,101
'cause you emailed
the contractor
349
00:28:54,134 --> 00:28:55,936
like I asked you to, right?
350
00:28:55,970 --> 00:28:58,072
He's gonna fix all of this.
351
00:28:58,105 --> 00:29:00,074
This is... this is fine.
352
00:29:00,107 --> 00:29:01,375
What am I stressing about.
353
00:29:01,408 --> 00:29:03,477
We hired the contractor, right?
354
00:29:03,511 --> 00:29:05,946
Who? Who?
355
00:29:07,348 --> 00:29:08,916
The contractor?
356
00:29:08,949 --> 00:29:10,317
I sent you his email address
357
00:29:10,351 --> 00:29:12,853
and you said that
you contacted him.
358
00:29:14,021 --> 00:29:16,457
And that he was gonna
fix everything.
359
00:29:17,124 --> 00:29:22,296
Babe, I spent all of
our money on buying the house,
360
00:29:22,329 --> 00:29:26,066
so there's no money left
for a contractor.
361
00:29:26,100 --> 00:29:28,002
We don't have a contractor?
362
00:29:28,035 --> 00:29:31,872
Babe, it's fine.
I took shop in high school.
363
00:29:31,905 --> 00:29:33,974
You did honey,
and you got an A-plus.
364
00:29:35,209 --> 00:29:41,148
I got a letter with a plus sign
after it every semester.
365
00:29:41,181 --> 00:29:43,951
So that's a good sign.
366
00:29:43,984 --> 00:29:47,288
Great.
Yeah, that's... that's fine.
367
00:29:47,321 --> 00:29:49,156
You are right.
You know what?
368
00:29:49,189 --> 00:29:51,025
Are you sure?
369
00:29:51,058 --> 00:29:53,494
Look, anything
that we need to find out,
370
00:29:53,528 --> 00:29:55,597
we look up on the YouTube.
371
00:29:55,630 --> 00:29:59,366
And that way we don't
have to pay some dumb plumber
372
00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:02,136
to come down and have us
stare at his ass crack
373
00:30:02,169 --> 00:30:05,239
while he, like, hits on you
and does shoddy plumbing.
374
00:30:05,272 --> 00:30:07,074
- Right.
- We just do it ourselves and we
375
00:30:07,107 --> 00:30:09,511
don't have to pay anybody
'cause the internet is free.
376
00:30:09,544 --> 00:30:13,047
- The internet is free. Right.
- You're so cute
377
00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:14,415
when you realize things.
378
00:30:14,448 --> 00:30:16,850
We're gonna make
this house so cute.
379
00:30:16,884 --> 00:30:18,485
I love you, shmoopy.
380
00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:21,623
I love you more! No, that nose!
381
00:30:21,656 --> 00:30:23,824
- No, that nose.
- You're gonna make it greasy.
382
00:30:24,358 --> 00:30:26,960
- Don't touch it.
- Okay, time to work.
383
00:30:26,994 --> 00:30:28,329
Okay.
384
00:30:29,463 --> 00:30:30,931
You do that.
385
00:30:40,107 --> 00:30:41,909
Okay, so you're saying that...
386
00:30:41,942 --> 00:30:43,377
right,
that after I nail that one,
387
00:30:43,410 --> 00:30:45,412
after I've sanded and
then...
388
00:30:45,446 --> 00:30:47,147
Yeah, I know. Okay.
389
00:30:47,181 --> 00:30:48,583
But what happens
to the spackle?
390
00:30:50,117 --> 00:30:51,251
I gotta let you go.
391
00:30:51,285 --> 00:30:53,120
shmoopy, what happened.
392
00:30:53,153 --> 00:30:55,222
You dropped it because
you were too busy on the phone
393
00:30:55,255 --> 00:30:56,457
because you're
not concentrating.
394
00:30:56,490 --> 00:30:58,258
You're right.
395
00:30:58,292 --> 00:30:59,893
I'm sorry.
396
00:30:59,927 --> 00:31:03,397
Let's just... keep going. Okay?
397
00:31:03,430 --> 00:31:05,899
- Come on, shmoopy.
- All right, shmoopy.
398
00:31:05,933 --> 00:31:07,468
I love you, shmoopy.
399
00:31:07,501 --> 00:31:09,236
- I love you.
- I love you more.
400
00:31:09,269 --> 00:31:10,971
No, really. I love you more.
401
00:31:11,004 --> 00:31:13,374
- No, I love you more.
- No, really.
402
00:31:13,407 --> 00:31:14,475
It's... I love you.
403
00:31:24,017 --> 00:31:27,589
Okay, honey, do you have
all the slats in place?
404
00:31:27,622 --> 00:31:29,657
- Yeah, the slats are in.
- Perfect.
405
00:31:29,691 --> 00:31:32,359
- Nails are through the hinges.
- Awesome.
406
00:31:32,393 --> 00:31:35,996
Yeah, I mean, I think
this is pretty well hung.
407
00:31:36,029 --> 00:31:38,365
I just have a question.
408
00:31:38,399 --> 00:31:40,100
- Yeah?
- Why is there so much space
409
00:31:40,134 --> 00:31:42,002
between the top and the sides
410
00:31:42,035 --> 00:31:45,139
that kind of defeats the entire
purpose of having a door.
411
00:31:45,172 --> 00:31:47,675
Baby, trust me,
I looked at the diagnostic
412
00:31:47,709 --> 00:31:49,577
blueprints for
the door frame. Okay?
413
00:31:49,611 --> 00:31:51,412
- You did?
- Yeah,
414
00:31:51,445 --> 00:31:54,047
there's supposed to be
at least one inch of space.
415
00:31:54,081 --> 00:31:56,250
The diagnostic blueprints
of the door
416
00:31:56,283 --> 00:31:58,085
told you to have space.
417
00:31:58,118 --> 00:32:03,658
Minimum one inch
between door frame and door
418
00:32:03,691 --> 00:32:07,060
for ventilation
in case of a fire.
419
00:32:07,094 --> 00:32:09,229
- That's what it said.
- I'm going to... All right.
420
00:32:09,263 --> 00:32:10,998
I'm gonna trust you.
421
00:32:11,031 --> 00:32:13,133
This is definitely
at least one inch.
422
00:32:13,167 --> 00:32:14,401
You're really smart.
423
00:32:14,435 --> 00:32:16,003
You are. You're... No!
424
00:32:16,036 --> 00:32:18,706
You're... you're a-door-able!
425
00:32:19,473 --> 00:32:22,142
That's too good.
I can't top that. That's a...
426
00:32:22,176 --> 00:32:26,246
God, what the hell?
427
00:32:26,280 --> 00:32:28,015
Yeah, I told you
that was wrong,
428
00:32:28,048 --> 00:32:30,017
but you just don't want
to listen to me, so...
429
00:32:30,050 --> 00:32:31,686
Maybe if you just listened
to me sometimes,
430
00:32:31,719 --> 00:32:33,320
you would
get things right, but...
431
00:32:33,353 --> 00:32:35,289
When did you tell me
that it was wrong?
432
00:32:35,322 --> 00:32:37,191
Yeah, I said, like, "You're
doing the whole thing wrong. "
433
00:32:37,224 --> 00:32:40,194
Like, three times,
but you just ignored me.
434
00:32:40,628 --> 00:32:42,996
Do you have
the blueprint there?
435
00:32:44,064 --> 00:32:45,466
You know, I guess I'll find it.
436
00:32:45,499 --> 00:32:47,301
shmoop!
437
00:32:47,334 --> 00:32:50,672
What happened? I thought
you were looking at the...
438
00:32:50,705 --> 00:32:53,373
- shmoopy...
- Okay, I was making it up.
439
00:32:53,407 --> 00:32:55,342
I'm sorry. I was confused.
440
00:32:55,375 --> 00:32:58,345
- You... No!
- I was just playing.
441
00:32:58,378 --> 00:33:00,447
You're such a playful one.
442
00:33:00,481 --> 00:33:02,115
Stop it.
443
00:33:02,149 --> 00:33:03,383
No, you stop!
444
00:33:03,417 --> 00:33:05,285
No. Stop.
445
00:33:05,319 --> 00:33:07,287
- Seriously
- No, stop. Stop hitting me.
446
00:33:07,321 --> 00:33:09,289
No, can you... I'm trying to...
Can you stop? Stop hitting me.
447
00:33:09,323 --> 00:33:11,058
If you hit me,
I'm gonna hit you back.
448
00:33:11,091 --> 00:33:13,561
- Stop hitting me.
- As long as I get the last hit.
449
00:33:13,595 --> 00:33:14,762
You're being difficult, shmoop.
450
00:33:14,796 --> 00:33:16,063
Did you just call me difficult?
451
00:33:16,096 --> 00:33:17,599
What? No!
452
00:33:17,632 --> 00:33:19,333
If you call me difficult,
I'll gorge your eyes out.
453
00:33:19,366 --> 00:33:22,504
I said,
you're being divine, shmoopy.
454
00:33:22,537 --> 00:33:24,639
Stop being so silly.
455
00:33:32,379 --> 00:33:34,348
- Honey?
- Yes?
456
00:33:34,381 --> 00:33:38,318
Why are you painting a Z
across our brand new wall?
457
00:33:38,352 --> 00:33:40,655
Well, because darling, that is
458
00:33:40,688 --> 00:33:43,056
the most efficient way
to paint a wall.
459
00:33:43,090 --> 00:33:46,561
No, actually, according
to HowToPaintYourHouse. com,
460
00:33:46,594 --> 00:33:50,765
it most certainly says
that you start with a W.
461
00:33:50,798 --> 00:33:53,066
Well, shmoopy,
when I was in shop
462
00:33:53,100 --> 00:33:56,203
in high school getting
pluses on all my grades
463
00:33:56,236 --> 00:33:59,674
all six years,
it was always with a Z shape.
464
00:34:01,241 --> 00:34:04,177
Okay. Well, I really do think
465
00:34:04,211 --> 00:34:07,615
that it should be a W.
466
00:34:10,450 --> 00:34:14,187
I think the Z looks way better.
467
00:34:15,557 --> 00:34:17,257
Really?
468
00:34:17,291 --> 00:34:19,159
I think the W looks better.
469
00:34:19,192 --> 00:34:21,161
What are you gonna do...
what do you gonna do about it?
470
00:34:21,194 --> 00:34:22,597
The man says Z!
471
00:34:25,633 --> 00:34:27,467
You don't even have
as much paint on me
472
00:34:27,501 --> 00:34:29,604
as I have on you
and you've done three passes.
473
00:34:29,637 --> 00:34:31,338
Yeah, well,
I'm just being nice.
474
00:34:31,371 --> 00:34:33,173
I'm trying not to
stuff up your...
475
00:34:33,206 --> 00:34:36,209
- Z shape!
- I'm just a nice person.
476
00:34:36,243 --> 00:34:38,680
- And you...
- You can't even get a W
477
00:34:38,713 --> 00:34:40,247
on your husband's chest.
478
00:34:43,551 --> 00:34:45,520
You're almost whiter
than this wall!
479
00:34:45,553 --> 00:34:47,522
Your hair glove is falling off!
480
00:34:50,324 --> 00:34:53,160
Look, Z shapes all day,
481
00:34:53,193 --> 00:34:56,263
Z shapes all day,
Z shapes all day,
482
00:34:56,296 --> 00:34:57,732
the man says Z.
483
00:34:59,366 --> 00:35:01,301
And calls crocodile tears.
484
00:35:04,706 --> 00:35:06,373
Crocodile tears, shmoops.
485
00:35:57,825 --> 00:36:00,862
I am so sorry.
486
00:36:01,796 --> 00:36:04,398
That was totally a mistake.
487
00:36:04,431 --> 00:36:05,933
I...
488
00:36:05,967 --> 00:36:07,669
I don't even know if
I believe that,
489
00:36:07,702 --> 00:36:09,671
- to be honest with you.
- shmoopy!
490
00:36:09,704 --> 00:36:11,706
You know
I would never try to hurt you.
491
00:36:12,807 --> 00:36:15,576
Who's my favorite shmoopy!
492
00:36:15,610 --> 00:36:17,612
I love you, shmoopy.
493
00:36:17,645 --> 00:36:19,279
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
494
00:36:19,312 --> 00:36:20,848
I love you too, shmoopy.
495
00:36:20,882 --> 00:36:24,652
No, I love you more, shmoopy.
496
00:36:24,686 --> 00:36:26,353
No, it's me, I love you more.
497
00:36:26,386 --> 00:36:27,555
- Does this face look amused?
- What?
498
00:36:27,588 --> 00:36:29,456
Do I look amused?
499
00:36:29,489 --> 00:36:32,492
You look like you're just
having so much fun like me.
500
00:36:32,527 --> 00:36:34,595
So, shmoopy,
would you mind handing me
501
00:36:34,629 --> 00:36:38,800
that bucket, please,
so I can keep working up here?
502
00:36:38,833 --> 00:36:40,935
- You want the bucket?
- Who's my favorite shmoop?
503
00:36:40,968 --> 00:36:42,904
- You want the bucket?
- Yeah.
504
00:36:42,937 --> 00:36:44,772
Could you hand me the bucket?
Yeah, that'd be really nice.
505
00:36:44,806 --> 00:36:46,674
shmoopy, I love you.
506
00:36:46,708 --> 00:36:48,341
- Love you!
- You're my favorite.
507
00:36:48,375 --> 00:36:49,744
- You're my favorite!
- Who's got the
508
00:36:49,777 --> 00:36:51,546
best nose in all the land?
509
00:36:51,579 --> 00:36:53,781
- Thank you, shmoopy.
- Oh.
510
00:36:53,815 --> 00:36:55,215
Oops.
511
00:36:56,050 --> 00:36:57,719
That's okay.
512
00:36:57,752 --> 00:37:00,487
I love you, still, shmoopy.
513
00:37:00,521 --> 00:37:03,024
But, if next time you could
just hand me the bucket
514
00:37:03,057 --> 00:37:05,459
when I ask you to actually
hand me the bucket,
515
00:37:05,492 --> 00:37:07,829
I'd really appreciate it,
then maybe it wouldn't
516
00:37:07,862 --> 00:37:11,465
come crashing down on your head
while I'm working.
517
00:37:11,498 --> 00:37:13,601
I love you.
Please keep up your good work.
518
00:37:13,634 --> 00:37:15,368
Thank you, shmoop.
519
00:38:09,924 --> 00:38:12,425
I love you, shmoopy.
520
00:38:13,027 --> 00:38:14,929
Fuck you.
521
00:38:14,962 --> 00:38:16,597
What?
522
00:38:17,464 --> 00:38:19,066
Love you.
523
00:38:19,100 --> 00:38:20,467
Ah!
524
00:38:22,804 --> 00:38:24,437
Time to nail.
525
00:38:30,511 --> 00:38:32,680
What?
526
00:38:36,617 --> 00:38:37,952
Oh!
527
00:38:39,620 --> 00:38:40,922
Ugh...
528
00:38:42,690 --> 00:38:43,925
Does it hurt?
529
00:38:48,162 --> 00:38:52,667
It's okay, it's okay,
it's okay, shmoopy.
530
00:38:52,700 --> 00:38:53,935
We're almost done.
531
00:38:55,503 --> 00:38:57,404
Just a little bit
more paint and spackle.
532
00:38:57,437 --> 00:38:58,940
We're almost there.
533
00:39:00,708 --> 00:39:02,043
Okay.
534
00:40:04,739 --> 00:40:06,807
What are you...
what are you doing?
535
00:40:08,075 --> 00:40:10,211
Cutting ceramic tile.
536
00:40:17,718 --> 00:40:19,787
You got...
You gotta to stop.
537
00:40:19,820 --> 00:40:21,622
You gotta stop!
538
00:40:21,656 --> 00:40:22,924
Stop!
539
00:40:24,625 --> 00:40:25,927
Stop!
540
00:40:28,729 --> 00:40:29,897
Stop!
541
00:40:29,931 --> 00:40:31,065
Yes?
542
00:40:31,098 --> 00:40:33,634
That's really dangerous.
543
00:40:33,668 --> 00:40:35,503
Okay? The...
544
00:40:35,536 --> 00:40:39,607
the dust from the tile
could go into your lungs and...
545
00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:43,476
and it's... it can kill you
and there's no cure,
546
00:40:44,211 --> 00:40:47,014
there is no cure.
547
00:40:47,048 --> 00:40:48,683
Yeah?
548
00:40:48,716 --> 00:40:49,784
Yeah.
549
00:41:08,135 --> 00:41:12,206
I want a divorce.
550
00:41:21,248 --> 00:41:25,853
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
551
00:41:31,058 --> 00:41:32,159
Sweetie.
552
00:41:33,160 --> 00:41:35,196
shmoop.
553
00:41:35,229 --> 00:41:39,033
Oh!
554
00:41:39,066 --> 00:41:40,735
Oh, God.
555
00:41:40,768 --> 00:41:42,570
Oh you, bitch.
556
00:41:44,271 --> 00:41:46,273
Oh, you bitch!
557
00:41:46,307 --> 00:41:48,943
You know when I told you
I loved your old sugar cookies?
558
00:41:48,976 --> 00:41:50,544
Yeah?
559
00:41:50,578 --> 00:41:52,747
I lied. That shit tastes
like camel spit.
560
00:41:57,051 --> 00:41:59,020
Oh, God!
561
00:42:02,757 --> 00:42:05,092
Ow!
562
00:42:14,935 --> 00:42:17,138
Oh fuck you, shmoopy.
563
00:42:17,838 --> 00:42:19,206
Fuck you too, shmoopy.
564
00:42:20,808 --> 00:42:22,910
Till death do us
fucking part, bitch.
565
00:42:22,943 --> 00:42:25,212
...Ow!
566
00:42:25,846 --> 00:42:28,182
Ow! Fuck!
567
00:42:29,050 --> 00:42:31,218
God damn it!
568
00:42:31,919 --> 00:42:34,955
Ow!
569
00:42:34,989 --> 00:42:37,124
Fuck you, shmoopy.
570
00:42:37,158 --> 00:42:38,993
God damn it.
571
00:42:39,026 --> 00:42:40,161
Gah!
572
00:42:48,302 --> 00:42:50,137
Ugh!
573
00:43:08,756 --> 00:43:11,325
Oh God, why?
574
00:43:19,867 --> 00:43:24,004
I love you, shmoop.
575
00:43:24,038 --> 00:43:26,774
I love you.
576
00:45:05,206 --> 00:45:07,107
Wow. Wasn't that something
577
00:45:07,141 --> 00:45:08,976
with all that blood
flying around?
578
00:45:09,009 --> 00:45:11,212
I'm not sure I'm gonna
eat my cereal now,
579
00:45:11,245 --> 00:45:13,314
but that raises the question,
580
00:45:13,347 --> 00:45:14,748
is cereal soup?
581
00:45:14,782 --> 00:45:15,950
You know, when you were a kid,
582
00:45:15,983 --> 00:45:17,484
you made soup out of stones.
583
00:45:17,519 --> 00:45:19,887
Why can't you make
soup out of cereal
584
00:45:19,920 --> 00:45:21,789
if you really want to?
You know,
585
00:45:21,822 --> 00:45:23,224
there's a cereal
that kind of has
586
00:45:23,257 --> 00:45:25,025
a rabbit
whenever you see it on TV.
587
00:45:25,059 --> 00:45:27,194
You can make soup
out of rabbit.
588
00:45:27,228 --> 00:45:29,263
So why can't you make soup
out of cereal?
589
00:45:29,296 --> 00:45:32,766
You know, why don't we put
some carrots and celery in it
590
00:45:32,800 --> 00:45:34,401
and have the cereal
with carrots and celery?
591
00:45:34,435 --> 00:45:35,903
Then it really would be soup,
wouldn't it?
592
00:45:38,105 --> 00:45:40,542
You know, chop in some celery,
and some onions,
593
00:45:40,575 --> 00:45:43,444
and some carrots, and now
you've got cereal soup.
594
00:45:43,477 --> 00:45:46,080
Stop. Get away from me.
595
00:45:52,953 --> 00:45:55,389
Well, I don't think
you'd like the cereal
596
00:45:55,422 --> 00:45:57,358
with carrots and celery
in it now.
597
00:45:57,391 --> 00:45:59,093
I don't think so.
598
00:45:59,126 --> 00:46:00,861
So, let's just
come to a conclusion.
599
00:46:00,894 --> 00:46:02,830
- Cereal is not soup.
- Get away from me.
600
00:46:02,863 --> 00:46:04,798
Get away from me!
601
00:46:33,927 --> 00:46:35,896
For our next story, we join
602
00:46:35,929 --> 00:46:38,399
a very rich businessman
and his daughter
603
00:46:38,432 --> 00:46:41,502
as they share coffee
in downtown Manhattan.
604
00:46:55,115 --> 00:46:57,184
This is so unfair.
605
00:46:58,252 --> 00:46:59,853
Tiffany, life is unfair.
606
00:46:59,887 --> 00:47:02,256
But you are being
more than unfair.
607
00:47:02,289 --> 00:47:04,391
Look, fair is my middle name.
608
00:47:04,425 --> 00:47:06,260
Just ask my bridge partners
609
00:47:06,293 --> 00:47:08,395
or even the guys on
the trading floor.
610
00:47:08,429 --> 00:47:11,865
You saw me talk to
the chauffeur the other day,
611
00:47:11,899 --> 00:47:15,269
I told him he has every right
to be as rich as I am.
612
00:47:15,302 --> 00:47:17,004
All he has to do
is work for it.
613
00:47:18,573 --> 00:47:22,343
I started my business with
a couple of million dollars.
614
00:47:22,376 --> 00:47:24,244
He could do the same.
615
00:47:24,278 --> 00:47:26,080
But obviously he's lazy.
616
00:47:26,914 --> 00:47:29,016
Otherwise, he wouldn't
still be driving cars.
617
00:47:30,451 --> 00:47:33,854
He's not Mexican lazy,
but... still.
618
00:47:35,489 --> 00:47:37,224
He gets what he deserves.
619
00:47:37,257 --> 00:47:39,360
I get what I deserve.
620
00:47:39,393 --> 00:47:40,928
And you get what you deserve.
621
00:47:40,961 --> 00:47:42,229
And I deserve this.
622
00:47:44,064 --> 00:47:46,534
It's just a camping trip
with my friends.
623
00:47:48,936 --> 00:47:51,038
And why haven't
I ever met these friends?
624
00:47:51,071 --> 00:47:52,574
I mean, what are they like?
625
00:47:52,607 --> 00:47:54,576
They're nice people, Daddy.
626
00:47:54,609 --> 00:47:56,009
Nice.
627
00:47:56,678 --> 00:47:59,413
So you like one of them,
628
00:47:59,446 --> 00:48:01,215
some cute boy, perhaps?
629
00:48:01,248 --> 00:48:02,950
Maybe.
630
00:48:04,385 --> 00:48:06,153
What's his name?
631
00:48:06,186 --> 00:48:07,955
- Is it the Wellingworth boy...
- No, Daddy,
632
00:48:07,988 --> 00:48:09,223
you don't know him.
633
00:48:09,256 --> 00:48:12,459
His name is... Vinnie.
634
00:48:15,530 --> 00:48:17,965
Vinnie. Oh, Jesus.
635
00:48:17,998 --> 00:48:19,500
Are you telling me
he's Italian?
636
00:48:20,200 --> 00:48:22,236
He's really sweet.
637
00:48:22,269 --> 00:48:24,706
Sweet. What does his father do?
638
00:48:24,739 --> 00:48:27,474
Okay, I don't know.
I think he's a plumber.
639
00:48:27,509 --> 00:48:29,644
Oh, my God. Oh...
640
00:48:29,677 --> 00:48:32,079
Are you trying
to give me a heart attack?
641
00:48:32,112 --> 00:48:34,616
All right. You know what?
This is just...
642
00:48:34,649 --> 00:48:38,252
It's just...
All right. Yeah. Hang on.
643
00:48:38,285 --> 00:48:40,354
Here, wait a minute.
644
00:48:40,387 --> 00:48:42,089
I'll tell you what,
645
00:48:42,122 --> 00:48:43,558
why don't you go shopping
this weekend instead?
646
00:48:44,692 --> 00:48:48,462
Wouldn't you prefer a nice
bracelet or a pretty dress?
647
00:48:48,495 --> 00:48:52,032
No, I want to go camping.
648
00:48:52,065 --> 00:48:53,635
I worked hard
to get into the school
649
00:48:53,668 --> 00:48:55,235
that you wanted me to go to.
650
00:48:55,269 --> 00:48:58,506
You chose Princeton, not me.
651
00:48:58,540 --> 00:49:00,708
Don't I deserve
a little bit of a reward?
652
00:49:02,276 --> 00:49:04,712
It's just a trip
with my friends.
653
00:49:08,015 --> 00:49:10,083
You don't get it, sweetie.
654
00:49:10,117 --> 00:49:11,318
They're not your friends.
655
00:49:11,351 --> 00:49:13,521
They hate you. They hate me.
656
00:49:15,422 --> 00:49:19,126
We are what they would call
one percenters.
657
00:49:19,159 --> 00:49:23,531
Your friends are... not.
658
00:49:23,565 --> 00:49:25,567
They're the 99 belower.
659
00:49:25,600 --> 00:49:28,570
And Vinnie,
he may even be a negative five.
660
00:49:30,103 --> 00:49:32,306
Look, your friends
have been brainwashed
661
00:49:32,339 --> 00:49:34,576
into believing
that you and I hate America,
662
00:49:35,677 --> 00:49:37,512
but in fact,
it's them who hate America.
663
00:49:38,412 --> 00:49:39,980
And everything it stands for.
664
00:49:40,648 --> 00:49:44,418
Now, really, if you want
to go ahead and feel common,
665
00:49:44,451 --> 00:49:46,621
why don't you buy yourself
a little Hermes bracelet
666
00:49:46,654 --> 00:49:48,690
or some little thing like that
667
00:49:48,723 --> 00:49:50,625
and forget about
the camping nonsense?
668
00:49:50,658 --> 00:49:53,460
Okay, first of all,
Daddy, it's "air-mes. "
669
00:49:53,494 --> 00:49:58,265
Second of all, in three months,
I'm going to be in Princeton,
670
00:49:58,298 --> 00:50:00,501
making my own mistakes,
getting drunk,
671
00:50:00,535 --> 00:50:04,572
failing midterms, eating pizza
with the wrong fork.
672
00:50:04,606 --> 00:50:07,107
You're not going to be there
to save me.
673
00:50:07,140 --> 00:50:09,677
I need to start learning
from my own mistakes.
674
00:50:12,346 --> 00:50:14,381
It's just a weekend.
675
00:50:14,414 --> 00:50:16,818
Think of it as training wheels.
676
00:50:16,851 --> 00:50:20,522
Come... come on, Daddy.
I've earned this.
677
00:50:20,555 --> 00:50:23,090
Fine, fine.
678
00:50:23,123 --> 00:50:25,425
But you're taking
your cell phone,
679
00:50:25,459 --> 00:50:27,194
you're turning it on,
680
00:50:27,227 --> 00:50:29,697
and most importantly...
681
00:50:29,731 --> 00:50:31,498
call us if you need it.
682
00:50:31,533 --> 00:50:33,066
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
683
00:50:33,100 --> 00:50:35,369
You are the best daddy ever.
684
00:50:37,271 --> 00:50:39,406
Vinnie.
685
00:50:40,608 --> 00:50:42,442
This is not going to end well.
686
00:51:11,338 --> 00:51:14,341
Hey, Tiffany,
look, I pissed on myself.
687
00:51:15,543 --> 00:51:17,645
You must be
very proud of yourself.
688
00:51:17,679 --> 00:51:19,514
No, no, actually, I just...
I didn't pee on myself,
689
00:51:19,547 --> 00:51:21,348
I just sprayed beer all over.
690
00:51:22,684 --> 00:51:25,452
Wait! Do you want
to take a closer look?
691
00:51:29,524 --> 00:51:31,291
So what's up,
what did you want to show me?
692
00:51:31,325 --> 00:51:34,161
I got this...
this thing for Tiffany.
693
00:51:34,194 --> 00:51:35,697
Oh yeah, I saw you
put it in your pocket.
694
00:51:35,730 --> 00:51:37,464
Yeah, I'm kind of nervous.
695
00:51:37,497 --> 00:51:38,900
- It's a big weekend for me.
- Don't be nervous.
696
00:51:38,933 --> 00:51:40,668
- Let me see it.
- All right.
697
00:51:40,702 --> 00:51:42,737
- Yeah, definitely.
- How big is it?
698
00:51:42,770 --> 00:51:44,304
It's not that big.
699
00:51:44,338 --> 00:51:46,206
Oh, you're probably
being modest.
700
00:51:46,239 --> 00:51:48,342
Come on. Just show me. Hold on.
Oh, wait, here she comes.
701
00:51:48,375 --> 00:51:50,243
Can we go somewhere else?
702
00:51:50,277 --> 00:51:52,479
Listen, you having a good time?
703
00:51:55,516 --> 00:51:57,150
Can you just give me a moment?
704
00:51:57,184 --> 00:51:58,820
We can go somewhere
and have a talk,
705
00:51:58,853 --> 00:52:00,555
I just want to finish
the conversation with Maureen.
706
00:52:02,389 --> 00:52:04,726
Listen, just try to have fun.
707
00:52:05,860 --> 00:52:07,494
You're much prettier
when you smile.
708
00:52:08,930 --> 00:52:10,598
We'll be right back.
709
00:52:49,937 --> 00:52:53,574
Yeah. So, I mean, I know
this is crazy, but, um...
710
00:52:54,441 --> 00:52:55,576
I'm crazy about her.
711
00:52:55,610 --> 00:52:57,612
- Aw!
- And I know that
712
00:52:57,645 --> 00:53:00,280
we've only been dating for,
like, three months, but...
713
00:53:01,649 --> 00:53:03,283
Think I'm gonna ask her
to marry me.
714
00:53:03,316 --> 00:53:04,652
What? That's amazing!
715
00:53:04,686 --> 00:53:06,253
Yeah, I'm going to do it
this weekend.
716
00:53:15,697 --> 00:53:18,398
- Well, do you have it with you?
- Yeah, I do.
717
00:53:18,432 --> 00:53:20,601
I mean, I've only been carrying
it around with me all day.
718
00:53:20,635 --> 00:53:22,970
Let me see it, let me see it.
How are you gonna do it?
719
00:53:23,004 --> 00:53:24,672
Are you gonna
get down on one knee?
720
00:53:24,706 --> 00:53:26,440
Are you gonna just, like,
spring it on her? Like...
721
00:53:26,473 --> 00:53:27,809
- I... I don't know.
- That's...
722
00:53:34,381 --> 00:53:36,884
- That is so amazing.
- Thanks.
723
00:53:42,056 --> 00:53:44,491
- Oh, she's gonna love that.
- You think so?
724
00:53:44,525 --> 00:53:46,326
Is there something on it?
725
00:53:46,359 --> 00:53:48,428
Yeah, there's an inscription
I had them put on it.
726
00:53:56,436 --> 00:53:58,506
That is so sweet.
727
00:53:58,539 --> 00:54:00,842
Oh, yes,
she is going to love that.
728
00:54:00,875 --> 00:54:02,877
Perfect find. Absolutely.
729
00:54:02,910 --> 00:54:04,679
Thank you so much.
I really appreciate that.
730
00:54:04,712 --> 00:54:05,980
I just had to tell somebody.
731
00:54:06,013 --> 00:54:07,782
My God, I'm so excited for you.
732
00:54:07,815 --> 00:54:09,684
Thank you.
733
00:54:21,328 --> 00:54:23,664
Vinnie, Vinnie?
Vinnie, are you okay?
734
00:54:23,698 --> 00:54:26,534
- Oh, my God, what happened?
- It was an accident.
735
00:54:26,567 --> 00:54:29,971
Oh, Vinnie. Oh, my God,
you shot him. You shot him!
736
00:54:30,004 --> 00:54:32,339
Wait, wait!
Let's think about this first.
737
00:54:32,372 --> 00:54:33,808
Oh, my God! Vinnie, Vinnie?
738
00:54:33,841 --> 00:54:35,308
We're going to get
into so much trouble!
739
00:54:35,342 --> 00:54:36,644
What are you talking about?
740
00:54:36,677 --> 00:54:38,012
You're gonna get
in so much trouble.
741
00:54:38,045 --> 00:54:39,580
- Oh, my God.
- Let's call my dad first.
742
00:54:39,614 --> 00:54:40,848
He has a big time attorney.
743
00:54:40,882 --> 00:54:42,083
We can get out of it.
744
00:54:42,116 --> 00:54:44,018
We? Are you crazy?
745
00:54:44,051 --> 00:54:46,821
- Oh, my God.
- Wait!
746
00:54:46,854 --> 00:54:48,556
Vinnie?
747
00:54:48,589 --> 00:54:49,991
Vinnie? Oh!
748
00:54:51,458 --> 00:54:52,593
Oh, my God.
749
00:55:03,704 --> 00:55:05,706
You can forget about Princeton,
750
00:55:05,740 --> 00:55:08,910
maybe a community college,
if you're lucky.
751
00:55:09,944 --> 00:55:13,514
Remember this phrase,
"You want fries with that?"
752
00:55:13,948 --> 00:55:15,716
You're going to be saying
that for the next
753
00:55:15,750 --> 00:55:16,751
50 years of your life.
754
00:55:20,655 --> 00:55:24,892
You gave up your life for
a reefer baked goombah?
755
00:55:25,526 --> 00:55:29,063
Who would bang your best friend
if you turn your back on him?
756
00:55:33,100 --> 00:55:34,669
Boy,
I'll say you made a mistake
757
00:55:34,702 --> 00:55:36,671
when I wasn't
there watching you.
758
00:55:36,704 --> 00:55:38,039
I can't fix this.
759
00:55:38,072 --> 00:55:40,808
Now you go and you fix it.
760
00:56:28,488 --> 00:56:30,524
- Run!
- What?
761
00:56:38,966 --> 00:56:40,868
Wait...
762
00:56:40,902 --> 00:56:42,937
Tiffany,
did you just shoot Vinnie?
763
00:57:22,076 --> 00:57:23,811
Nobody else has to die,
Maureen.
764
00:57:25,246 --> 00:57:27,181
We can tell the police
that Hank and Vinnie
765
00:57:27,214 --> 00:57:28,749
were in some weird love duet
766
00:57:28,783 --> 00:57:29,917
and that
they killed each other.
767
00:57:30,618 --> 00:57:32,954
What?
What are you talking about?
768
00:57:34,221 --> 00:57:36,257
Hank wasn't going anywhere.
769
00:57:36,290 --> 00:57:38,159
A misogynistic date rape drunk
770
00:57:38,192 --> 00:57:40,094
who barely
got out of high school.
771
00:57:40,127 --> 00:57:43,030
Nobody is going to miss
an idiot who works at Wal-Mart.
772
00:57:43,064 --> 00:57:44,665
You're crazy.
773
00:57:44,699 --> 00:57:46,499
I heard
you got into Penn State.
774
00:57:47,868 --> 00:57:49,804
Hey, it's not Princeton,
but you're smart.
775
00:57:51,772 --> 00:57:53,274
Not as smart as me, but...
776
00:57:53,307 --> 00:57:55,776
get with the program,
you know what's going on.
777
00:57:58,612 --> 00:58:00,581
Maureen...
778
00:58:00,614 --> 00:58:02,883
my daddy's lawyer
can work miracles.
779
00:58:02,917 --> 00:58:05,219
Please don't make the same
mistake your friends made.
780
00:58:05,252 --> 00:58:08,222
- What are you talking about?
- Stay in your lane.
781
00:58:23,604 --> 00:58:25,806
Oh, shit! Are you okay?
782
00:58:34,015 --> 00:58:35,282
Help!
783
00:58:36,250 --> 00:58:37,752
Help!
784
00:58:40,721 --> 00:58:42,690
Oh, God! Oh, God!
785
00:58:51,866 --> 00:58:53,701
I'm sorry.
786
01:00:16,951 --> 01:00:19,220
Dad!
787
01:00:19,253 --> 01:00:20,988
you were right, my...
788
01:00:21,021 --> 01:00:23,224
my friends, they tried
to kidnap me for ransom
789
01:00:23,257 --> 01:00:27,094
and they just went crazy and
started shooting each other.
790
01:00:29,430 --> 01:00:31,165
I'm going to need a lawyer.
791
01:00:33,300 --> 01:00:35,936
Please help me,
I don't know what to do.
792
01:00:35,970 --> 01:00:37,972
Please, please, please.
793
01:00:39,173 --> 01:00:42,076
Please, help me!
794
01:01:09,170 --> 01:01:10,938
Hey Tiff! Tiff, guess...
795
01:01:10,971 --> 01:01:13,240
guess what I just go
on my gender studies exam.
796
01:01:13,274 --> 01:01:14,742
You're not gonna believe this.
797
01:01:14,775 --> 01:01:17,144
A double D.
798
01:01:17,178 --> 01:01:20,714
- A double D, get it?
- I just pissed myself.
799
01:01:20,748 --> 01:01:23,450
I'm kidding, it's just beer.
800
01:01:25,186 --> 01:01:27,254
- What?
- Ugh, whatever.
801
01:01:32,960 --> 01:01:34,695
Can I call you back?
802
01:01:37,464 --> 01:01:40,201
Can we go somewhere else?
803
01:01:40,234 --> 01:01:41,468
You're not having fun?
804
01:01:42,770 --> 01:01:44,271
No, Trevor.
805
01:01:44,972 --> 01:01:46,240
Okay, in a minute.
806
01:01:46,273 --> 01:01:47,474
I'll go upstairs
to talk to Brenda,
807
01:01:47,509 --> 01:01:48,943
and I'll be right back down.
808
01:01:51,412 --> 01:01:54,114
All right. Come on.
Try to have some fun.
809
01:01:54,148 --> 01:01:55,382
You're much
prettier when you smile.
810
01:02:46,000 --> 01:02:49,370
Ooh, there was some hunting
in that... oh, in that story.
811
01:02:49,403 --> 01:02:51,338
Rifle work, shotgun work.
812
01:02:51,372 --> 01:02:53,173
Oh, my word.
813
01:02:53,207 --> 01:02:55,075
You know, rich people
like to go hunting.
814
01:02:55,109 --> 01:02:57,411
They like to go after animals
like elephants
815
01:02:57,444 --> 01:02:59,947
and bison and stuff like that.
816
01:02:59,980 --> 01:03:01,348
If animals could talk,
what would they say
817
01:03:01,382 --> 01:03:02,983
about being shot at?
818
01:03:03,017 --> 01:03:04,451
And who would be
the rudest one?
819
01:03:04,485 --> 01:03:06,820
Which animal would
not take so well
820
01:03:06,854 --> 01:03:09,356
to being shot at
by voicing their opinion?
821
01:03:09,390 --> 01:03:11,125
Which one do you think?
822
01:03:22,169 --> 01:03:23,605
What the hell?
823
01:03:49,531 --> 01:03:51,432
You know what I think?
824
01:03:51,465 --> 01:03:53,334
I think the rudest animal
would be a sloth.
825
01:03:53,367 --> 01:03:55,469
All they want to do
is hang around
826
01:03:55,502 --> 01:03:57,471
and if you try to get them
to do something, they'll say,
827
01:03:58,439 --> 01:04:01,942
"Yeah, get the fuck
away from me, pal. "
828
01:04:01,975 --> 01:04:05,647
That's rude. Mm. Or maybe
a turtle, the same way.
829
01:04:05,680 --> 01:04:08,115
The turtle, though,
he can beat the rabbit.
830
01:04:45,319 --> 01:04:47,321
Our newest story
is about the times
831
01:04:47,354 --> 01:04:50,491
when you think you're there,
but you're not there.
832
01:04:50,525 --> 01:04:53,360
It's almost as if
you're invisible.
833
01:05:18,520 --> 01:05:21,255
Alexandra, tell me
something I want to hear.
834
01:05:21,288 --> 01:05:22,590
The Raymond Grant book,
835
01:05:22,624 --> 01:05:24,491
did you get
his daughter to sign on?
836
01:05:24,526 --> 01:05:27,027
Yes. Well, sir, we actually
had a really good meeting.
837
01:05:27,060 --> 01:05:28,429
I think we're going
to get the deal.
838
01:05:28,462 --> 01:05:30,097
All right. Very good.
839
01:05:30,130 --> 01:05:31,965
Give me her number
so I can give her a ring.
840
01:05:31,999 --> 01:05:33,635
I actually
didn't get her number.
841
01:05:35,235 --> 01:05:38,071
Alex, you spoke to
Jasmin Grant today,
842
01:05:38,105 --> 01:05:40,508
and you didn't get her number?
Why?
843
01:05:40,542 --> 01:05:42,443
I didn't want to push it.
844
01:05:42,476 --> 01:05:44,445
She's going through a lot.
I'll just give her some space.
845
01:05:44,478 --> 01:05:46,180
She has my card.
846
01:05:46,213 --> 01:05:48,248
Push it.
We're all going through a lot.
847
01:05:48,282 --> 01:05:50,484
Do you have any idea
how many publishers
848
01:05:50,518 --> 01:05:53,020
are knocking on that decrepit
door to get to that book?
849
01:05:53,053 --> 01:05:55,355
This is a big deal.
This book is gonna be huge.
850
01:05:56,156 --> 01:05:57,559
What's it about anyway?
851
01:05:57,592 --> 01:05:59,326
She doesn't even know.
852
01:06:00,294 --> 01:06:02,095
Raymond had deadlines,
853
01:06:02,129 --> 01:06:04,331
and he was constantly
missing all the deadlines.
854
01:06:04,364 --> 01:06:07,134
For all we know, it could be
a collection of just Post-Its.
855
01:06:08,235 --> 01:06:09,537
Right. Post-Its.
856
01:06:11,071 --> 01:06:14,441
Yeah, right. We were probably
gonna drop him anyway.
857
01:06:14,475 --> 01:06:17,144
Last couple of films
flopped at the box office.
858
01:06:17,177 --> 01:06:19,046
Book sales tanked.
859
01:06:19,079 --> 01:06:21,114
He kept saying, "I just
need one, one more hit and...
860
01:06:21,148 --> 01:06:22,282
I'm back on top. "
861
01:06:24,051 --> 01:06:26,654
Exactly, we all thought
he just had a writer's block.
862
01:06:26,688 --> 01:06:29,223
You know, his best stuff
was his early work.
863
01:06:29,256 --> 01:06:31,325
Towards the end...
864
01:06:31,358 --> 01:06:33,528
Just like bands,
win three albums,
865
01:06:33,561 --> 01:06:35,362
after that they all suck.
866
01:06:35,395 --> 01:06:37,264
Same thing.
867
01:06:37,297 --> 01:06:38,465
You know what happens
to those bands
868
01:06:38,499 --> 01:06:39,366
when their front man dies?
869
01:06:40,768 --> 01:06:42,770
Everybody and their mother
is clawing to get
870
01:06:42,804 --> 01:06:44,639
the last album because
it might be worth something,
871
01:06:44,672 --> 01:06:46,406
even though they haven't
had a hit in two decades.
872
01:06:47,642 --> 01:06:49,176
Hmm?
873
01:06:49,209 --> 01:06:50,377
No, yeah, you're right.
874
01:06:52,145 --> 01:06:53,213
You're right, I'll get onto it.
875
01:06:53,247 --> 01:06:54,682
- When?
- Now.
876
01:06:54,716 --> 01:06:57,184
Perfect.
That's what I want to hear.
877
01:06:57,819 --> 01:07:00,454
And if I didn't tell you that
your job depended on this one,
878
01:07:00,487 --> 01:07:02,289
well, I'd be lying.
879
01:07:02,322 --> 01:07:04,626
- So let me know.
- Okay.
880
01:07:19,707 --> 01:07:22,476
Well, those are the perils
of being invisible.
881
01:07:22,510 --> 01:07:24,478
That's why
they wear those yellow vests
882
01:07:24,512 --> 01:07:26,514
out on the highway, right?
883
01:07:26,548 --> 01:07:28,516
Invisible man would never
work on the highway. Oh my.
884
01:07:28,550 --> 01:07:32,319
Anyway, the question we need
to address right now is
885
01:07:32,352 --> 01:07:34,254
how many chickens
would it take
886
01:07:34,288 --> 01:07:35,455
to kill an elephant?
887
01:07:43,565 --> 01:07:44,632
Hello?
888
01:07:47,569 --> 01:07:49,604
Hello?
889
01:07:59,279 --> 01:08:00,414
Hello?
890
01:08:04,418 --> 01:08:06,219
Jasmin?
891
01:08:11,491 --> 01:08:13,160
Hello?
892
01:08:14,829 --> 01:08:16,363
Hello?
893
01:08:18,198 --> 01:08:19,634
Anyone home?
894
01:08:22,737 --> 01:08:27,609
!Oye!?Que te pasa?
?Que tu haces en mi casa?
895
01:08:29,343 --> 01:08:31,813
!Esperate! No soy.
896
01:08:47,762 --> 01:08:51,532
Um, would it take 500
elephant-sized chickens
897
01:08:51,566 --> 01:08:53,735
to kill
an elephant-sized chicken?
898
01:09:03,978 --> 01:09:06,246
I'm gonna... I'm gonna go with,
899
01:09:06,279 --> 01:09:08,716
it's gonna take
one elephant-sized chicken
900
01:09:08,750 --> 01:09:10,350
to kill an elephant.
901
01:09:10,384 --> 01:09:11,853
And that would be
one big chicken.
902
01:09:11,886 --> 01:09:15,790
When he pecks,
earthquake time.
903
01:09:15,823 --> 01:09:18,860
Our next story is about
a conference of scientists.
904
01:09:18,893 --> 01:09:21,361
It's a typical
scientific meeting
905
01:09:21,395 --> 01:09:24,699
where some scientists are
more welcome than others.
906
01:10:00,034 --> 01:10:03,437
Why the hell do we have
to live in a castle?
907
01:10:03,470 --> 01:10:04,806
It's just one of the many perks
908
01:10:04,839 --> 01:10:06,574
of being a mad scientist,
my darling.
909
01:10:06,607 --> 01:10:08,308
But you're not mad.
910
01:10:08,341 --> 01:10:10,477
- No.
- You're not even annoyed.
911
01:10:10,511 --> 01:10:12,446
You're...
912
01:10:12,479 --> 01:10:13,648
Perky.
913
01:10:13,681 --> 01:10:15,817
Why the hell are you so perky?
914
01:10:17,417 --> 01:10:19,554
It's your birthday.
915
01:10:19,587 --> 01:10:22,289
That's says 50.
Do I look 50?
916
01:10:22,322 --> 01:10:23,825
Uh, no, no, no.
917
01:10:23,858 --> 01:10:25,760
And you do not look 50
the other eight times
918
01:10:25,793 --> 01:10:27,528
we celebrated
your 50th birthday either.
919
01:10:27,562 --> 01:10:30,598
Seven. I am 57.
920
01:10:30,631 --> 01:10:33,333
Do I look 58?
921
01:10:33,768 --> 01:10:36,303
Why can't you invent
something useful,
922
01:10:36,336 --> 01:10:37,739
like an anti-aging formula
923
01:10:37,772 --> 01:10:39,774
and not roller skates
for squirrels?
924
01:10:40,808 --> 01:10:43,678
Well, I will admit to a bit
of a dry period lately,
925
01:10:43,711 --> 01:10:46,313
but honestly,
this cake is del... Oh!
926
01:11:00,494 --> 01:11:01,629
Don't worry, baby.
927
01:11:01,662 --> 01:11:03,698
It's just a little bit stuck.
928
01:11:03,731 --> 01:11:05,900
You'll be fine.
929
01:11:05,933 --> 01:11:07,635
Just stay still. Don't move.
930
01:11:07,668 --> 01:11:10,037
You're not moving.
You're good at not moving.
931
01:11:10,071 --> 01:11:11,572
Oh!
932
01:11:11,606 --> 01:11:15,843
Honey, honey, honey!
Honey, you okay?
933
01:11:51,846 --> 01:11:55,082
She's alive!
934
01:11:55,116 --> 01:11:56,717
She's...
935
01:11:57,484 --> 01:11:58,753
Crapola!
936
01:12:20,007 --> 01:12:23,476
She's alive!
937
01:12:23,511 --> 01:12:24,846
Motherfucker!
938
01:12:39,560 --> 01:12:41,729
Mr. Frankenstein.
939
01:12:41,762 --> 01:12:43,898
Dr. Frankenstein, actually.
940
01:12:43,931 --> 01:12:45,867
Whatever. What is it this time?
941
01:12:45,900 --> 01:12:48,636
I was wondering if
I could borrow a little power,
942
01:12:48,669 --> 01:12:49,937
just as scooch.
943
01:12:49,971 --> 01:12:51,639
Power.
944
01:12:51,672 --> 01:12:52,940
That's all you mad
scientists think about,
945
01:12:52,974 --> 01:12:55,843
power to rule the world.
946
01:12:55,877 --> 01:12:57,477
Well, I don't think
you even have enough power
947
01:12:57,511 --> 01:12:58,913
to mow your lawn.
948
01:12:58,946 --> 01:13:00,915
Ah, yes, the death weeds.
949
01:13:00,948 --> 01:13:02,984
Well, I promise to get
to them next Tuesday.
950
01:13:03,017 --> 01:13:06,554
There was an experiment
that went wrong.
951
01:13:06,587 --> 01:13:08,890
- Sorry about the dog.
- What?
952
01:13:08,923 --> 01:13:10,925
Huh? What?
953
01:13:10,958 --> 01:13:14,028
Look, last week
it was a cup of sugar,
954
01:13:14,061 --> 01:13:16,463
the week before that
it was tea bags.
955
01:13:16,496 --> 01:13:18,599
Now this.
956
01:13:18,633 --> 01:13:20,735
What do you need
my electricity for?
957
01:13:22,203 --> 01:13:24,572
Just to reanimate the dead.
958
01:13:24,605 --> 01:13:25,740
It's no biggie.
959
01:13:25,773 --> 01:13:26,974
Very low power consumption.
960
01:13:28,609 --> 01:13:30,678
- Huh.
- Yeah, it's...
961
01:13:30,711 --> 01:13:32,680
funny, actually. Funny story.
962
01:13:32,713 --> 01:13:34,849
I accidentally killed my wife,
and you know,
963
01:13:34,882 --> 01:13:37,752
I would like to see her back
so, if I could just...
964
01:13:37,785 --> 01:13:39,921
Yeah, whatever.
965
01:13:39,954 --> 01:13:41,454
Thank you.
966
01:13:41,488 --> 01:13:43,157
What a bitch.
967
01:14:05,546 --> 01:14:06,948
She's alive.
968
01:14:06,981 --> 01:14:08,649
She's alive!
969
01:14:50,257 --> 01:14:53,027
What the fuck
are you doing?
970
01:14:53,060 --> 01:14:55,930
Just checking to see
if you're alive again.
971
01:14:55,963 --> 01:14:57,798
Again?
972
01:14:57,832 --> 01:15:00,634
Did you fucking kill me?
973
01:15:00,668 --> 01:15:02,803
Just temporarily.
You're a lot better now.
974
01:15:02,837 --> 01:15:04,205
Look, you're siting up
and everything.
975
01:15:04,972 --> 01:15:07,008
You stabbed me?
976
01:15:07,041 --> 01:15:10,578
Oh, my God, you better not
have left a scar.
977
01:15:10,611 --> 01:15:14,181
No, you look as lovely as ever.
978
01:15:14,215 --> 01:15:15,716
Where's the mirror?
979
01:15:16,884 --> 01:15:19,720
Where's that damn mirror?
980
01:15:19,754 --> 01:15:21,155
Well, there's one by the
kitchen, there's another one
981
01:15:21,188 --> 01:15:22,790
in the bathroom...
let's go this way.
982
01:15:22,823 --> 01:15:24,291
This is a nice big one.
983
01:15:24,325 --> 01:15:27,795
Victor, you motherfucker.
I'm hideous!
984
01:15:28,796 --> 01:15:30,264
Only on the outside.
985
01:15:30,297 --> 01:15:32,533
I mean,
beauty's only skin deep.
986
01:15:33,034 --> 01:15:34,235
Oh, God.
987
01:15:34,268 --> 01:15:35,970
Oh, God.
What has he done?
988
01:15:38,339 --> 01:15:41,876
Honey, what are you doing?
989
01:15:45,079 --> 01:15:47,314
You know, it's not so bad...
990
01:15:47,348 --> 01:15:49,316
With a little make up on
991
01:15:49,350 --> 01:15:51,752
you'll be as beautiful
as the day I met you.
992
01:15:55,222 --> 01:15:56,791
Honey?
993
01:15:56,824 --> 01:15:58,726
Honey boo-boo?
994
01:16:11,172 --> 01:16:13,641
I don't know what happened.
995
01:16:13,674 --> 01:16:16,043
You must have tripped
and accidentally swallowed
996
01:16:16,077 --> 01:16:18,179
all those pills,
but do not worry.
997
01:16:18,212 --> 01:16:20,047
Threw them all out.
We'll be just fine.
998
01:16:20,081 --> 01:16:22,616
Right. An accident.
999
01:16:22,650 --> 01:16:25,352
I got
a little surprise for you.
1000
01:16:25,386 --> 01:16:27,354
- What?
- Upstairs,
1001
01:16:27,388 --> 01:16:29,123
I set up the VCR
with all those tapes
1002
01:16:29,156 --> 01:16:30,758
of you winning
the beauty contest.
1003
01:16:30,791 --> 01:16:33,027
I know how that cheers you up.
1004
01:16:33,060 --> 01:16:35,129
We'll go upstairs
and watch them, yeah? Come on.
1005
01:16:35,162 --> 01:16:36,297
Come on.
1006
01:16:51,946 --> 01:16:53,681
There she is!
1007
01:16:53,714 --> 01:16:55,783
Oh, my God. Honey, you are so...
1008
01:16:55,816 --> 01:16:58,152
Oh, by the way,
1009
01:16:58,185 --> 01:17:00,855
I was thinking
about how to deal with,
1010
01:17:00,888 --> 01:17:02,957
let's call them
blemishes on your face,
1011
01:17:02,990 --> 01:17:06,160
and while you were away,
1012
01:17:06,193 --> 01:17:07,995
I took an art class.
1013
01:17:08,028 --> 01:17:09,830
I think I was able
to reconstruct
1014
01:17:09,864 --> 01:17:11,265
your face really well.
1015
01:17:11,298 --> 01:17:13,767
Oh, yeah? You fixed me.
1016
01:17:15,136 --> 01:17:17,972
So you're telling me I'm
as beautiful as I was before?
1017
01:17:18,005 --> 01:17:20,441
Even better,
and I got a perfect score
1018
01:17:20,474 --> 01:17:22,176
from my art teacher.
1019
01:17:22,209 --> 01:17:23,978
I don't know.
1020
01:17:24,011 --> 01:17:26,914
It doesn't feel right.
1021
01:17:26,947 --> 01:17:29,016
What artist did you study?
1022
01:17:29,049 --> 01:17:30,351
Picasso!
1023
01:17:39,960 --> 01:17:42,029
What the hell is this?
1024
01:17:42,062 --> 01:17:45,332
I knew your affections for
the cat were very strong, so.
1025
01:17:46,133 --> 01:17:50,337
You attached Fifi to me?
1026
01:17:50,371 --> 01:17:52,806
Yes! Don't you love it?
1027
01:17:52,840 --> 01:17:54,875
Now, you guys
will never be separated.
1028
01:17:54,909 --> 01:17:58,279
What the fuck
is wrong with you?
1029
01:17:58,312 --> 01:17:59,980
Wait, you don't like this?
1030
01:18:02,517 --> 01:18:04,084
Fifi?
1031
01:18:04,118 --> 01:18:05,886
If that's Fifi,
1032
01:18:05,920 --> 01:18:08,455
who the hell is this
you've attached to me?
1033
01:18:09,290 --> 01:18:12,993
I don't know,
he was back by the dumpsters.
1034
01:18:13,027 --> 01:18:15,763
So cute, looks just
like Fifi, doesn't it?
1035
01:18:18,232 --> 01:18:19,900
Uh...
1036
01:18:19,934 --> 01:18:22,203
Think of it as like
a windshield wiper,
1037
01:18:22,236 --> 01:18:25,806
you grow used to it,
your friends will be jealous.
1038
01:18:38,886 --> 01:18:43,224
Victor,
stop bringing me back.
1039
01:18:43,257 --> 01:18:45,025
But I love you!
1040
01:18:45,059 --> 01:18:48,162
But I don't love
living this way.
1041
01:18:48,195 --> 01:18:50,898
What can I do
to make you happy?
1042
01:18:50,931 --> 01:18:53,100
You can make me
beautiful again.
1043
01:18:53,133 --> 01:18:55,836
But you already are beautiful.
1044
01:18:55,869 --> 01:18:57,471
No, I'm not.
1045
01:18:57,504 --> 01:18:59,907
You're the most beautiful
women that I know.
1046
01:18:59,940 --> 01:19:01,976
I'm ugly.
1047
01:19:02,009 --> 01:19:03,511
You're a masterpiece.
1048
01:19:03,545 --> 01:19:05,112
Your delicate hands...
1049
01:19:05,145 --> 01:19:06,847
Hand.
1050
01:19:06,880 --> 01:19:09,383
Your wonderful eyes.
Your beautiful smile.
1051
01:19:09,416 --> 01:19:12,554
Your radiance knows no bounds.
1052
01:19:12,587 --> 01:19:14,556
You really think so?
1053
01:19:14,589 --> 01:19:16,790
I most certainly do,
my darling.
1054
01:19:16,824 --> 01:19:18,192
Then kiss me.
1055
01:19:19,893 --> 01:19:21,996
- What?
- Kiss me.
1056
01:19:22,029 --> 01:19:25,199
If I'm not vile to look at
then make love to me.
1057
01:19:28,202 --> 01:19:30,237
If I'm as beautiful as ever,
1058
01:19:30,271 --> 01:19:34,808
then you should want
to pounce on me right now.
1059
01:19:35,376 --> 01:19:36,810
I...
1060
01:19:39,480 --> 01:19:41,115
Crapola.
1061
01:19:43,618 --> 01:19:45,953
Are you sure
you're in the mood, honey?
1062
01:19:45,986 --> 01:19:47,921
- Yes.
- Because, you know,
1063
01:19:47,955 --> 01:19:49,256
we could watch television
or something.
1064
01:19:49,290 --> 01:19:52,359
Make me feel beautiful.
1065
01:19:52,393 --> 01:19:54,061
Yeah. Cool. Cool, cool. Sure.
1066
01:20:05,039 --> 01:20:07,875
Okay, okay. Let's do this.
1067
01:20:24,291 --> 01:20:26,293
Is it good for you, baby?
1068
01:20:26,327 --> 01:20:29,531
I should have made the daddy
hole a little bit bigger.
1069
01:20:32,567 --> 01:20:35,102
Oh, it's the balloon.
1070
01:20:35,135 --> 01:20:36,538
Just the balloon.
1071
01:21:25,152 --> 01:21:28,055
Are you okay, Victor?
1072
01:21:28,088 --> 01:21:32,092
Yeah, that was amazing, baby.
1073
01:21:34,161 --> 01:21:36,130
Just like our wedding night.
1074
01:21:38,165 --> 01:21:41,536
You have definitely
not aged one bit.
1075
01:21:41,569 --> 01:21:44,338
Oh, my God.
1076
01:21:44,371 --> 01:21:46,907
Oh, I'll get it, baby.
1077
01:21:49,276 --> 01:21:51,245
I ordered dinner.
1078
01:21:51,278 --> 01:21:55,282
So you just stay there and bask
in the glory of... my love.
1079
01:21:55,315 --> 01:21:57,017
I'll get the dinner.
1080
01:21:58,520 --> 01:22:00,487
Magic pizza!
1081
01:22:00,522 --> 01:22:05,392
We deliver in less than five
hours or your soda is half off.
1082
01:22:05,426 --> 01:22:08,162
Yes.
Wonderful, wonderful. Honey!
1083
01:22:08,195 --> 01:22:09,664
I'm just going
to get some pizza,
1084
01:22:09,697 --> 01:22:11,666
put in the blender
for your food hole.
1085
01:22:11,699 --> 01:22:13,568
Let's see what I got there.
1086
01:22:13,601 --> 01:22:15,502
How are you doing, buddy?
What's your name?
1087
01:22:15,537 --> 01:22:16,970
Fuck off.
1088
01:22:17,004 --> 01:22:19,541
Fuckov?
Is that Russian? Fuckov?
1089
01:22:19,574 --> 01:22:22,109
Say,
there's something on your roof.
1090
01:22:22,142 --> 01:22:24,077
Huh? What?
1091
01:22:33,086 --> 01:22:34,656
Oh, shit.
1092
01:22:38,025 --> 01:22:39,594
Aw!
1093
01:22:45,265 --> 01:22:47,067
What are you complaining about?
1094
01:22:48,603 --> 01:22:51,773
It's only been a couple of
weeks, you'll get used to it.
1095
01:22:51,806 --> 01:22:55,543
Besides, not only did
you get your second hand back,
1096
01:22:55,577 --> 01:22:58,278
but you have
a third one as a spare.
1097
01:23:01,181 --> 01:23:03,751
Hey! Those are my lips.
1098
01:23:03,785 --> 01:23:06,053
Ah, Fuckov.
I'm sorry, I keep forgetting.
1099
01:23:06,086 --> 01:23:08,489
You're a very good kisser,
though.
1100
01:23:15,229 --> 01:23:18,165
Nibbling on your ears
is positively delicious.
1101
01:23:18,198 --> 01:23:21,301
Victor, this has to stop.
1102
01:23:21,335 --> 01:23:23,470
What? I can always get
more pizza. What you think?
1103
01:23:23,504 --> 01:23:25,205
He's the only pizza guy
in the world, baby?
1104
01:23:25,239 --> 01:23:27,809
I'm done. I want out.
1105
01:23:27,842 --> 01:23:29,744
Okay, you want to go out?
1106
01:23:29,777 --> 01:23:31,245
Let's see,
we could go to the park
1107
01:23:31,278 --> 01:23:33,180
if we go out the backdoor...
1108
01:23:33,213 --> 01:23:35,750
I want a divorce.
1109
01:23:37,084 --> 01:23:38,352
What?
1110
01:23:38,385 --> 01:23:40,655
Look at me.
Just look at me.
1111
01:23:41,823 --> 01:23:45,125
Can you honestly tell me
I'm beautiful?
1112
01:23:46,326 --> 01:23:47,227
Honestly.
1113
01:23:48,262 --> 01:23:50,364
I'm not gonna lie,
it's taking a little bit
1114
01:23:50,397 --> 01:23:52,099
to get used to you new features
but you know,
1115
01:23:52,132 --> 01:23:53,635
I'm getting there.
I'm getting there.
1116
01:23:53,668 --> 01:23:55,637
We all change physically.
1117
01:23:57,672 --> 01:24:00,140
It's not the physical things
that are important, though.
1118
01:24:00,173 --> 01:24:02,644
I did not fall in love
with you for your beauty alone.
1119
01:24:02,677 --> 01:24:04,812
I fell in love with you for
your kindness and
1120
01:24:04,846 --> 01:24:07,147
your sense of humor
and the way you cheered me up
1121
01:24:07,180 --> 01:24:08,415
when my experiments went wrong,
1122
01:24:08,448 --> 01:24:09,851
and you had to do
that quite a bit.
1123
01:24:09,884 --> 01:24:11,753
Am I kidding? No.
1124
01:24:13,688 --> 01:24:16,624
The heart does not use
the eyes to see.
1125
01:24:16,658 --> 01:24:21,161
True beauty can not
be reflected in the mirror.
1126
01:24:21,194 --> 01:24:25,399
I love you. The real you,
the deep down inside you.
1127
01:24:25,432 --> 01:24:28,803
Nothing could
change that, ever.
1128
01:24:28,836 --> 01:24:30,437
You know,
they call me a mad scientist.
1129
01:24:30,470 --> 01:24:32,172
Well, yes, I am mad.
1130
01:24:33,173 --> 01:24:34,776
I'm mad about you.
1131
01:24:35,843 --> 01:24:37,411
You know what?
1132
01:24:37,444 --> 01:24:39,714
I have a cousin
who's a plastic surgeon.
1133
01:24:39,747 --> 01:24:42,149
I'm sold. Goodbye, Victor.
1134
01:24:42,182 --> 01:24:43,450
Have a nice life.
1135
01:24:43,483 --> 01:24:45,485
Wait...
1136
01:24:45,520 --> 01:24:48,121
wait, what? What?
1137
01:24:48,155 --> 01:24:49,591
What?
1138
01:24:50,223 --> 01:24:55,663
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
1139
01:24:55,697 --> 01:24:58,733
Wait, wait.
1140
01:25:07,675 --> 01:25:10,277
A monster, kill it!
1141
01:25:53,220 --> 01:25:54,656
Oh, hey.
1142
01:25:54,689 --> 01:25:56,490
Oh, great, great read.
1143
01:25:56,524 --> 01:25:59,661
You must be, are you...
are you representing Jasmin?
1144
01:25:59,694 --> 01:26:02,697
I will have
my people talk to Jasmin.
1145
01:26:02,730 --> 01:26:04,766
You must be
her boyfriend, right?
1146
01:26:04,799 --> 01:26:06,834
Okay, I really have to go.
1147
01:27:02,657 --> 01:27:04,391
Jasmin, darling.
1148
01:27:04,424 --> 01:27:06,694
Fantastic seeing you.
1149
01:27:06,728 --> 01:27:08,029
Thank you. Thank you.
1150
01:27:08,062 --> 01:27:09,864
We here at
Snake Oil Publishing,
1151
01:27:09,897 --> 01:27:11,566
we love the book.
1152
01:27:11,599 --> 01:27:13,433
We just loved it.
1153
01:27:13,467 --> 01:27:14,602
You actually read it?
1154
01:27:14,635 --> 01:27:16,604
Oh, no.
1155
01:27:16,637 --> 01:27:18,706
But I talked to
my people on the phone
1156
01:27:18,740 --> 01:27:21,876
and they could not
stop screaming about it.
1157
01:27:21,909 --> 01:27:23,978
Oh, I see.
1158
01:27:24,011 --> 01:27:25,913
Mh-mm. I talked
to the distributors
1159
01:27:25,947 --> 01:27:29,349
and they say
the new Raymond Castle book
1160
01:27:29,382 --> 01:27:30,885
is going to be huge.
1161
01:27:30,918 --> 01:27:32,587
- Well, that's great news.
- Yeah,
1162
01:27:32,620 --> 01:27:34,522
we're gonna have
tons of copies in Wal-Mart,
1163
01:27:34,555 --> 01:27:36,958
in Barnes & Noble.
1164
01:27:36,991 --> 01:27:39,459
It's gonna be
the next Goosebumps.
1165
01:27:39,493 --> 01:27:41,863
Oh, that's good. Good.
1166
01:27:41,896 --> 01:27:44,832
This book,
it's gonna be killer.
1167
01:27:50,403 --> 01:27:52,372
Well, I hope so.
82449
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