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[epic music]
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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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[microphone droans]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[man] Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome to the stage,
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00:00:15,723 --> 00:00:19,351
Cincinnati's own,
Gary Owen!
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[cheers and applause]
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All right.
I know. I know.
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I know. I know.
I know.
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I feel the same about myself.
[chuckles]
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00:00:39,914 --> 00:00:43,168
What's going on?
You guys heard any good gossip
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-[mumbles, chuckles]
-[laughter]
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00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:48,548
Ding.
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Going, uh,
I'm sure you guys have heard
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00:00:50,215 --> 00:00:52,384
I'm going through
a very, very messy,
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00:00:52,426 --> 00:00:54,888
and, uh, public divorce.
Um...
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00:00:54,929 --> 00:00:57,724
thought it was gonna be private,
wife had other plans.
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Uh...
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00:01:00,185 --> 00:01:01,727
It is what it is.
What are you gonna do?
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00:01:01,769 --> 00:01:03,188
I ain't the first one
to get a divorce.
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00:01:03,229 --> 00:01:05,982
But, listen, I, uh...
course the next hour
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00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:07,692
I'm obviously gonna talk
about my divorce.
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00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,318
I can't get into it
like I want to.
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00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:10,903
We still in court
going over stuff,
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00:01:10,944 --> 00:01:14,741
but...
can diffuse a few rumors.
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00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:17,242
Uh, no white women
were involved in my divorce.
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00:01:17,284 --> 00:01:20,914
-Uh...no.
-[cheers and applause]
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00:01:20,954 --> 00:01:23,917
-I am still on the squad.
-[women cheering]
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I think I'm the only white guy
in the world
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00:01:33,468 --> 00:01:35,427
that if Black people saw me
with a white lady,
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00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:38,764
they'd be like,
"You fucking sell out!
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I knew it!
I knew he wasn't shit!"
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00:01:42,977 --> 00:01:45,771
"What?
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00:01:45,813 --> 00:01:47,941
What's the problem?"
"You with that white woman."
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00:01:47,982 --> 00:01:52,152
"What?
I'm trying something different."
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Like, the thing about--
the thing about my divorce,
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00:01:57,741 --> 00:01:58,951
like I-I read everything.
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00:01:58,992 --> 00:02:00,036
I read everything
on the Internet.
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00:02:00,078 --> 00:02:01,287
I don't respond
to anything,
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00:02:01,329 --> 00:02:02,914
but I read everything.
Um...
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00:02:02,955 --> 00:02:04,456
you know, I'll just, uh...
let me see...
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00:02:04,498 --> 00:02:06,960
a couple things that I read
about my divorce.
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00:02:07,001 --> 00:02:12,549
One, I read that, uh,
my ex wants $44,000 a month
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00:02:12,590 --> 00:02:14,133
-in alimony.
-[audience exclaims]
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That's what I said,
"Damn! Like..." [chuckles]
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When I first saw $44,000--
I didn't read the article.
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I thought
that was for the year.
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00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,311
[laughter]
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00:02:25,353 --> 00:02:29,274
I literally--I called my lawyer.
I said, "Settle!"
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She's like,
"Gary, that's a month."
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I said,
"Ooh, we goin' to court!"
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So--[chuckles]
So, listen, um,
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00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:40,117
at times during the day
and at times when I'm on stage,
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my mind might go blank.
I did not forget my jokes,
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when you got $44,000 a month
riding on your divorce,
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00:02:46,248 --> 00:02:48,960
you go blank every now and then
and it pops in your head.
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Four four, baby.
Four four.
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It just pops up.
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[laughter]
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00:02:59,679 --> 00:03:01,931
What else did I read?
I read, uh--
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00:03:01,972 --> 00:03:04,266
-I read I'm a dead-beat dad.
-[woman] Oh!
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00:03:04,308 --> 00:03:06,644
Yeah, even though my kids
are grown.
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00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:09,021
Like...you know?
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00:03:09,063 --> 00:03:11,733
Can't be dead--
Can't be a dead-beat to adults.
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Like, I don't--
Listen, man, I been taking Ls
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00:03:16,361 --> 00:03:18,323
on the Internet for months,
right?
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00:03:18,364 --> 00:03:20,657
I don't--I don't respond
to anything, you know?
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00:03:20,699 --> 00:03:24,120
Only time I, um--
Only time I responded was, uh,
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I was just in a mood one day and
Eva Marcille's got a pod cast
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00:03:27,331 --> 00:03:29,542
and when my divorce got
announced on TMZ,
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00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:31,211
they was on it.
All the blogs.
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Everybody was on it
and, uh, Eva Marcille,
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she's got this co host
and the co host was like,
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00:03:35,506 --> 00:03:38,050
"I don't know why this is news.
He ain't no real celebrity.
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I don't know who he is.
I seen him on Instagram
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a few times.
That's it."
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I was like,
"Damn, what's her problem?"
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Then...
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Then the $44,000 a month
came out and then she was like,
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"Oh, he ain't got
cake like that.
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00:03:49,811 --> 00:03:51,522
Ain't no way he got
cake like that.
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00:03:51,563 --> 00:03:54,691
He gonna be broke after a week."
Alls I heard was, "cake."
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So, I DM'd her.
I said, "Bakery, bitch.
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Stay out my pocket.
Fuck you mean?
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[cheers and applause]
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00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,575
You don't know
how much money I make."
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00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:06,119
Fuckin'...
[chuckles]
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So--So, she blocked me,
but she saw it.
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00:04:08,830 --> 00:04:11,708
She saw it.
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00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:15,587
Fuck you worried
about $44,000?
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00:04:15,629 --> 00:04:17,256
That's more listeners
than you got.
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00:04:17,297 --> 00:04:19,258
Shut the fuck up.
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00:04:19,299 --> 00:04:23,095
[laughter]
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It's funny because
all the things I've read
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on the Internet,
ain't nobody got it right yet.
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00:04:27,474 --> 00:04:29,352
Why we gettin' a divorce,
ain't nobody.
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And I ain't gonna say nothin'.
I'ma keep it to myself,
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but if--Man, if that twist
ever comes out,
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it's a monster.
It's...
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00:04:37,150 --> 00:04:40,613
It's--It's one of those twists
that--that when Black people
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hear it,
they go, "Ooooooooh!
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I told you!"
That kind of twist.
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00:04:49,664 --> 00:04:51,791
Okay, so let's think--Let's use
common sense about my divorce.
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Use common sense.
So I'm supposed--
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Evidently,
I'm this wild motherfucker.
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I'm just--I been fucking
everything.
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Like, I been reading up.
Like, "Damn, that motherfucker
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be fucking--Wait, that's me.
What the fuck?"
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00:05:01,383 --> 00:05:04,304
[laughter]
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00:05:07,181 --> 00:05:10,100
But it's been seven months
since my divorce got announced
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00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,936
and in seven months,
not one picture has popped up
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00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:14,772
of me doing anything
inappropriate on the Internet.
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00:05:14,813 --> 00:05:16,357
Not one video's come out
of me doing
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00:05:16,398 --> 00:05:18,150
anything inappropriate
on the Internet.
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00:05:18,191 --> 00:05:21,486
Internet finds everything out.
In seven months, not one picture
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00:05:21,528 --> 00:05:23,448
or one video's come out?
Come on now.
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00:05:23,489 --> 00:05:26,659
Internet finds everything out.
Ask Urban Meyer.
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00:05:26,700 --> 00:05:28,494
[laughter]
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00:05:28,536 --> 00:05:30,830
That motherfucker slapped
a girl's ass at ten.
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00:05:30,871 --> 00:05:32,289
At 10:30 it was
on Sports Center.
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00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:35,335
He watched himself.
He was still at the bar.
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00:05:35,376 --> 00:05:37,337
"Oh, shit.
That's me.
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00:05:37,378 --> 00:05:40,922
Get the fuck off me,
bitch.
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I got to go."
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00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:50,390
[laughing]
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00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:56,731
This--I mean,
let's use common sense, right?
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00:05:56,772 --> 00:05:58,648
In seven months,
if ain't no pictures,
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00:05:58,691 --> 00:06:01,068
no videos popped up of me
doing something inappropriate,
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00:06:01,109 --> 00:06:02,695
I mean, come on now.
It's common sense.
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00:06:02,736 --> 00:06:04,030
What does that tell you?
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00:06:04,071 --> 00:06:06,073
It tells you my side hoes
are loyal!
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00:06:06,114 --> 00:06:07,866
Goddamnit,
I called 'em.
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00:06:07,909 --> 00:06:09,869
Talked about it.
Don't keep--
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00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:13,080
Ain't none
of your fucking business.
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00:06:13,121 --> 00:06:17,126
I ain't fucking
with these Instagram hoes.
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00:06:17,167 --> 00:06:19,753
My ladies are on LinkedIn.
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00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:23,340
[laughter]
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00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:26,051
You gotta have a W2
to get this dick.
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00:06:26,094 --> 00:06:28,888
Shit.
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00:06:28,929 --> 00:06:31,056
Shit, I-I need you to have
something to lose,
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00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:33,058
too, baby girl.
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00:06:35,602 --> 00:06:38,231
Be fucking with these
Instagram hoes.
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00:06:38,272 --> 00:06:41,734
Talking about,
"My hair game crazy."
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00:06:41,775 --> 00:06:44,695
"You in a two-bedroom apartment
with three roommates.
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00:06:44,736 --> 00:06:47,323
If you got crazy hair game,
you can get your own apartment.
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00:06:47,364 --> 00:06:48,991
I'll tell you that shit."
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00:06:49,032 --> 00:06:51,159
Crazy hair game
will get you a studio...
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00:06:51,201 --> 00:06:53,412
I heard.
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00:06:53,453 --> 00:06:56,416
[laughter]
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00:07:00,753 --> 00:07:02,671
Talking about
your hair game crazy.
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00:07:02,712 --> 00:07:05,883
Your rent's $800 a month.
You splittin' it four ways.
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00:07:05,924 --> 00:07:09,387
Your hair game is $200 a month.
That's what it is.
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00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:12,640
That's $3.75 a day.
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00:07:12,681 --> 00:07:15,268
[laughter]
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00:07:15,308 --> 00:07:17,645
These are jokes.
I'm kidding.
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00:07:17,686 --> 00:07:18,979
All this shit's fake.
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00:07:19,020 --> 00:07:21,398
Don't be taking
this shit literal.
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00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:24,402
[laughter]
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00:07:30,491 --> 00:07:32,368
I don't know.
The thing about a divorce,
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00:07:32,409 --> 00:07:34,578
though, when you go through
a public divorce,
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00:07:34,619 --> 00:07:36,371
Man, I just--I just woke up
one day, man,
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00:07:36,414 --> 00:07:40,876
my shit was everywhere.
My shit was on TMZ, BET.
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00:07:40,917 --> 00:07:42,419
Shit was on AOL.
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00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,130
I said,
"Damn, my shit's on dial up.
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00:07:44,171 --> 00:07:47,424
Shit, couldn't even get
to Google yet."
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00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:50,470
AOL got it first.
[hums]
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00:07:50,510 --> 00:07:53,472
[laughter]
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00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:57,309
When my divorce got announced,
I told you I disappeared
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00:07:57,350 --> 00:07:59,395
for two months.
I was, one...
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00:07:59,436 --> 00:08:01,606
I was avoiding a process server,
you know?
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00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:04,691
Them motherfuckers
is sneaky, boy.
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00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:06,319
They almost got me one time.
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00:08:06,359 --> 00:08:08,070
The process server
almost got me.
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00:08:08,112 --> 00:08:10,071
I was in--
I was in Colorado Springs
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00:08:10,114 --> 00:08:12,365
and I was at a comedy club
and at the comedy club,
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00:08:12,407 --> 00:08:13,950
there was an alley behind it.
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00:08:13,993 --> 00:08:15,869
So, I was walking down the alley
and all of a sudden
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00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:17,370
this dude goes,
"Hey, Gary!"
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00:08:17,412 --> 00:08:19,415
And I turned
and the motherfucker
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00:08:19,456 --> 00:08:21,542
was pulling the papers
out of his pocket
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00:08:21,584 --> 00:08:24,253
I turned into Morris Chestnut
from Boyz n the Hood.
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00:08:24,295 --> 00:08:27,215
-I started...
-[laughter]
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00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:32,802
This motherfucker chased me
and threw the papers at me.
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00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:36,014
Dude, I went down like Morris.
"Aah!"
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00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:41,686
[laughs]
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00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:44,815
I got back to my dressing room
then reality set in.
187
00:08:44,856 --> 00:08:47,317
I was like,
"Damn, I almost got served."
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00:08:47,359 --> 00:08:49,027
That's when I turned
into Cuba Gooding.
189
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:50,863
I was like,
"What the fuck?"
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00:08:50,904 --> 00:08:53,865
[laughter]
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00:09:00,413 --> 00:09:03,375
[cheers and applause]
192
00:09:08,922 --> 00:09:11,091
Like, I always took
a lot of personal pride
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00:09:11,133 --> 00:09:12,676
in keeping all my, uh,
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00:09:12,718 --> 00:09:14,554
personal business
off the Internet.
195
00:09:14,595 --> 00:09:16,721
'Cause everybody in this room
got shit you going through.
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00:09:16,763 --> 00:09:18,516
You know,
and we all got those people
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00:09:18,557 --> 00:09:21,601
that they wanna put
all their business out there
198
00:09:21,643 --> 00:09:23,436
every day on Facebook
and Instagram.
199
00:09:23,479 --> 00:09:25,189
And they always start
their posts out like this,
200
00:09:25,230 --> 00:09:28,441
"Now, y'all know me.
Know I ain't like this.
201
00:09:28,484 --> 00:09:29,694
Now y'all know
I don't like putting
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00:09:29,734 --> 00:09:31,237
my personal business
out there."
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00:09:31,278 --> 00:09:32,445
I go, "No, you put
all your business out there.
204
00:09:32,488 --> 00:09:34,072
That's why I follow you.
205
00:09:34,114 --> 00:09:36,867
I go to your page
to feel better about my life."
206
00:09:36,908 --> 00:09:39,619
Right?
207
00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:41,455
So, I think
that's what bothered me the most
208
00:09:41,497 --> 00:09:43,708
about everything being so public
'cause all my personal business
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00:09:43,748 --> 00:09:45,542
is coming out there.
So--
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00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,670
'Cause even--even, like,
we comin' out the pandemic
211
00:09:47,711 --> 00:09:49,754
right now, you know, and I was
one of the first people
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00:09:49,796 --> 00:09:52,383
to catch Covid, you know?
I was out the box.
213
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,051
We didn't really know
what it was.
214
00:09:54,093 --> 00:09:55,761
When I tested positive
for Covid,
215
00:09:55,802 --> 00:09:59,931
I never felt the need
to go to Facebook or Instagram
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00:09:59,974 --> 00:10:03,603
and say,
"Pray for me!
217
00:10:03,643 --> 00:10:06,439
I just tested positive
for the Corona virus.
218
00:10:06,479 --> 00:10:09,774
I need everybody to call
on all your prayer warriors.
219
00:10:09,816 --> 00:10:12,777
-[cheers and applause]
-I need...
220
00:10:15,572 --> 00:10:18,325
I need...
221
00:10:18,367 --> 00:10:20,452
I need all the prayer warriors
to come down from Heaven
222
00:10:20,494 --> 00:10:21,745
and surround my immune system."
223
00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:23,205
And where are
my prayer warriors?"
224
00:10:24,956 --> 00:10:26,792
What?
225
00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:30,253
What the fuck
is a prayer warrior?
226
00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:32,214
What is that?
227
00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:38,970
Like, is--is there really
a bunch of angels
228
00:10:39,013 --> 00:10:44,435
up in Heaven...
putting on they war paint...
229
00:10:44,476 --> 00:10:47,104
sharpening they knives...
230
00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:48,480
you get up to Heaven,
you're like,
231
00:10:48,522 --> 00:10:53,485
"Dang! Heaven is nice.
This is beautiful.
232
00:10:53,527 --> 00:10:55,028
This is just how I thought
Heaven would be.
233
00:10:55,070 --> 00:10:57,531
This is amazing.
This is per--Ooh.
234
00:10:57,572 --> 00:10:59,658
[laughter]
235
00:10:59,700 --> 00:11:01,160
Who's that?"
236
00:11:01,201 --> 00:11:04,162
"Oh, those are
the prayer warriors.
237
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:08,167
Yeah, you don't talk to them.
They stay on they own clouds.
238
00:11:08,209 --> 00:11:10,293
They only come down from Heaven
when people get on Facebook
239
00:11:10,335 --> 00:11:11,796
and ask the protector
of immune systems
240
00:11:11,836 --> 00:11:13,672
when they catch
the Corona Virus.
241
00:11:13,714 --> 00:11:15,257
And you ain't gonna get
your prayer warriors,
242
00:11:15,298 --> 00:11:16,676
you getting somebody else's
prayer warriors.
243
00:11:16,716 --> 00:11:19,552
Be careful
who you friends with."
244
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,521
I don't know if anybody here
has caught Covid, man,
245
00:11:28,561 --> 00:11:30,230
but when you catch it,
it's a weird feeling, man.
246
00:11:30,272 --> 00:11:31,856
It's odd.
'Cause when I caught it,
247
00:11:31,898 --> 00:11:33,734
I knew I had it.
I had all the symptoms.
248
00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:35,360
All of 'em, you know?
'Cause, you know, and it's weird
249
00:11:35,402 --> 00:11:37,654
'cause you be in denial
until you test positive.
250
00:11:37,696 --> 00:11:39,322
You know,
I was just lying to myself.
251
00:11:39,364 --> 00:11:40,865
I was making up diseases
'cause I didn't wanna
252
00:11:40,907 --> 00:11:43,536
believe I had it.
253
00:11:43,576 --> 00:11:47,748
I just woke up one morning
and I felt different.
254
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:50,875
I was like,
"[yawns]
255
00:11:50,917 --> 00:11:54,171
Ooh. Ooh. Oh.
256
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:55,589
Oh, no.
Oh, shit.
257
00:11:55,631 --> 00:11:58,968
Oh, fuck.
258
00:11:59,008 --> 00:12:00,886
I might have scoliosis.
259
00:12:00,927 --> 00:12:03,723
[laughter]
260
00:12:03,763 --> 00:12:07,058
I think that scoliosis kicked in
from sixth grade.
261
00:12:07,100 --> 00:12:09,228
I took the brace off early.
I been slouching.
262
00:12:09,269 --> 00:12:11,229
I gotta sit up better.
263
00:12:14,399 --> 00:12:15,734
I'm gonna get something to eat.
264
00:12:15,776 --> 00:12:17,570
I'll feel better
when I eat something."
265
00:12:17,610 --> 00:12:20,906
So, I was by myself.
Got some--Went to the pantry,
266
00:12:20,947 --> 00:12:22,324
got some oatmeal out.
We had that--
267
00:12:22,365 --> 00:12:24,576
We had that quick oatmeal
variety pack.
268
00:12:24,618 --> 00:12:27,370
You know, it's in a box.
It's got nine packs of oatmeal.
269
00:12:27,412 --> 00:12:29,373
It's three packs
of apple cinnamon,
270
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:31,792
three packs
of maple brown sugar,
271
00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:34,043
then the three packs
that nobody eats in the middle.
272
00:12:34,085 --> 00:12:36,421
-The plain shit.
-[laughter]
273
00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:38,590
That's the biggest hustle in the
oatmeal game, ain't it?
274
00:12:38,632 --> 00:12:40,301
"Hey, yourself!
Now packs of eight oatmeal
275
00:12:40,341 --> 00:12:43,220
only six packets got flavor."
So...
276
00:12:43,262 --> 00:12:45,473
So I got the apple cinnamon out,
you know?
277
00:12:45,513 --> 00:12:47,307
Took it out, opened it up,
put some water in it,
278
00:12:47,349 --> 00:12:48,600
threw it in the microwave,
heated it up,
279
00:12:48,642 --> 00:12:51,936
took it out, stirred it up.
"Okay.
280
00:12:51,979 --> 00:12:54,815
I'ma feel way better
after I eat
281
00:12:54,856 --> 00:12:58,234
this delicious
apple cinnamon oatmeal.
282
00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:01,529
[blows]
283
00:13:01,571 --> 00:13:03,282
[blows]
284
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:12,041
[laughter]
285
00:13:17,838 --> 00:13:20,048
I must've opened up
the wrong pack."
286
00:13:20,090 --> 00:13:23,009
[laughter]
287
00:13:24,177 --> 00:13:25,470
So, I check the pantry.
288
00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:28,139
I said,
"No, that says apple cinnamon."
289
00:13:28,181 --> 00:13:31,476
Then I started blaming Quaker.
"These stupid motherfuckers
290
00:13:31,518 --> 00:13:34,146
put plain oatmeal
in apple cinnamon pack."
291
00:13:35,772 --> 00:13:37,148
Then I tried
the maple brown sugar.
292
00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:38,609
I couldn't taste that.
I said, "Damn,
293
00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:40,820
I might have that shit."
294
00:13:40,860 --> 00:13:43,656
Went to the doctor,
got tested, came back positive.
295
00:13:43,696 --> 00:13:45,532
You know, then I had to start
making all my phone calls.
296
00:13:45,574 --> 00:13:47,951
I was a damn super spreader,
you know?
297
00:13:47,993 --> 00:13:50,162
Everybody caught it
I came in contact with.
298
00:13:50,204 --> 00:13:51,997
I was getting phone calls
for three days straight.
299
00:13:52,038 --> 00:13:53,666
"Motherfucker, I got it!
300
00:13:53,706 --> 00:13:55,750
Motherfucker, I got it!"
301
00:13:57,335 --> 00:14:00,171
I mean, honestly,
what do you say?
302
00:14:00,214 --> 00:14:01,590
"Sorry!"
303
00:14:01,632 --> 00:14:04,551
[laughter]
304
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:12,600
I still felt bad.
I felt bad making my phone calls
305
00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:14,769
for the virus.
I felt bad.
306
00:14:14,811 --> 00:14:16,522
I did.
307
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:18,816
I can't imagine what
Magic Johnson must've felt like
308
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:20,359
making his phone calls
back in the day.
309
00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:23,362
-That must've been...
-[audience exclaims]
310
00:14:24,904 --> 00:14:27,282
What?
311
00:14:27,324 --> 00:14:30,619
Too soon?
312
00:14:30,661 --> 00:14:34,038
He's fine!
313
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:37,334
He's still alive!
314
00:14:37,375 --> 00:14:39,003
Looking back,
now that we're slowly
315
00:14:39,043 --> 00:14:40,671
coming out of the pandemic--
I hope we're out of it,
316
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:42,046
I've gotten
all the vaccinations.
317
00:14:42,089 --> 00:14:44,133
I got Johnson & Johnson,
Pfizer, and Moderna.
318
00:14:44,173 --> 00:14:46,051
I was like, "Fuck it."
319
00:14:46,093 --> 00:14:48,052
I can't keep up with
what's right and what's wrong.
320
00:14:48,095 --> 00:14:52,016
I got 'em all.
I feel good.
321
00:14:52,056 --> 00:14:53,933
Shit, I might turn into Venom
next week, I don't know.
322
00:14:55,936 --> 00:14:57,229
Right now I feel good.
323
00:15:00,106 --> 00:15:02,109
But I'm-I'm glad--
I'm glad I caught it early, man.
324
00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:04,612
'Cause the whole pandemic
I was able to watch the news
325
00:15:04,652 --> 00:15:07,071
and not be afraid.
'Cause the news made us all
326
00:15:07,114 --> 00:15:11,035
feel like we would die
immediately if we caught it.
327
00:15:11,075 --> 00:15:12,577
And it was crazy.
There was three symptoms:
328
00:15:12,619 --> 00:15:14,330
no taste, no smell,
death.
329
00:15:14,370 --> 00:15:16,040
Like, "Damn.
330
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:19,877
That's one hell of a window."
331
00:15:19,918 --> 00:15:22,378
But I was able to watch the news
no problem the whole time.
332
00:15:22,421 --> 00:15:23,839
News never scared me.
I'd be sitting there,
333
00:15:23,881 --> 00:15:26,050
"Be very careful.
Wear your mask.
334
00:15:26,090 --> 00:15:29,845
Cases are on the rise.
Over 500,000 people have died."
335
00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:33,223
I was like,
"Well, I made it."
336
00:15:33,264 --> 00:15:36,768
They should've had better
prayer warriors.
337
00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:40,064
[cheers and applause]
338
00:15:40,104 --> 00:15:42,858
'Cause my prayer warriors
protected me.
339
00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:49,197
[chuckles]
340
00:15:49,239 --> 00:15:51,200
That's the thing
about dying anyways.
341
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:53,118
Like--Like I'm not afraid
of dying.
342
00:15:53,160 --> 00:15:54,787
I'm not.
I don't wanna die.
343
00:15:54,827 --> 00:15:56,245
I'm enjoying life.
I mean, the last couple months
344
00:15:56,287 --> 00:15:59,123
have been
a little touch and go.
345
00:15:59,166 --> 00:16:01,668
Like I'm not afraid of dying.
Like, you know?
346
00:16:01,710 --> 00:16:03,836
Just let it ha--I mean,
I know I'm going to Heaven.
347
00:16:03,878 --> 00:16:06,422
-[man] That's right!
-I know it. Facts.
348
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:10,426
[laughter]
349
00:16:10,469 --> 00:16:13,263
But I think--
I think everybody's in Heaven.
350
00:16:13,305 --> 00:16:15,014
I think everybody in this room's
gonna die one day
351
00:16:15,056 --> 00:16:17,393
and we all going to Heaven
'cause I have never
352
00:16:17,433 --> 00:16:19,894
been to a funeral
where somebody's going to Hell.
353
00:16:19,936 --> 00:16:22,730
[laughter]
354
00:16:22,772 --> 00:16:25,359
Anybody?
355
00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:28,277
Who the fuck's there?
356
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:30,739
I ain't been to one funeral...
357
00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:33,992
where the Preacher
was just brutally honest
358
00:16:34,034 --> 00:16:37,162
with the family.
[laughs]
359
00:16:37,203 --> 00:16:40,915
Just gets up in front
of the church...
360
00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:43,876
"[chuckles] Um...
361
00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:47,006
Wow...
this is gonna be tough.
362
00:16:47,046 --> 00:16:50,008
Um...
Thank you.
363
00:16:50,049 --> 00:16:51,969
First of all, I wanna thank
everybody for coming.
364
00:16:52,010 --> 00:16:53,970
Um...
365
00:16:54,012 --> 00:16:56,973
won't be charging the family
for today's service.
366
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,518
You did the best you could...
367
00:16:59,559 --> 00:17:02,020
but, uh...
that free will
368
00:17:02,062 --> 00:17:05,941
will sneak up on you sometime,
so...
369
00:17:05,982 --> 00:17:08,277
We got an open casket today.
Got an open casket.
370
00:17:08,317 --> 00:17:10,237
We gonna say our last goodbyes
to Jerry.
371
00:17:10,278 --> 00:17:11,654
If you'd like to see Jerry
one last time,
372
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:13,574
please single file to the left.
Come on up.
373
00:17:13,614 --> 00:17:15,491
Pay your respects.
Exit to the right.
374
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:17,493
Once everybody pays
their respects,
375
00:17:17,536 --> 00:17:19,287
we're gonna close the casket,
we're gonna get in our cars,
376
00:17:19,328 --> 00:17:20,913
we're gonna head
to the cemetery.
377
00:17:20,956 --> 00:17:22,583
Once we get to the cemetery,
we're gonna lower
378
00:17:22,623 --> 00:17:25,044
that casket six feet
but Jerry's gonna keep on going.
379
00:17:25,085 --> 00:17:28,671
-So...
-[laughter]
380
00:17:28,713 --> 00:17:32,342
if you would like to speak
to Jerry from this day forward,
381
00:17:32,383 --> 00:17:34,344
please don't look up
in the sky.
382
00:17:34,385 --> 00:17:37,389
Talk to him down to the ground.
Amen forever."
383
00:17:42,102 --> 00:17:43,812
How about this?
How about you ever go
384
00:17:43,854 --> 00:17:46,230
to a funeral and you never
knew your homeboy got saved?
385
00:17:46,273 --> 00:17:48,066
[chuckles]
386
00:17:48,107 --> 00:17:51,069
Like his grandmother
gets in front of the church,
387
00:17:51,111 --> 00:17:53,822
"I'm at peace...
388
00:17:53,864 --> 00:17:56,825
with him passin'...
389
00:17:56,866 --> 00:18:00,662
'cause I know he's in
the arms of Jesus.
390
00:18:01,997 --> 00:18:05,292
He gave his life to Christ."
391
00:18:05,334 --> 00:18:07,585
And you be in the church like,
392
00:18:07,627 --> 00:18:09,462
"Hey, when
that motherfucker meet Jesus?
393
00:18:09,505 --> 00:18:12,423
[laughter]
394
00:18:14,175 --> 00:18:16,845
I was with him Saturday.
He didn't know Jesus on Saturday
395
00:18:16,886 --> 00:18:18,806
I know that.
396
00:18:18,846 --> 00:18:20,641
Nah, we had a good time,
but he ain't know Jesus
397
00:18:20,681 --> 00:18:23,434
on Saturday.
398
00:18:23,477 --> 00:18:27,146
Yeah.
Hey. Hey, what day did he die?
399
00:18:27,189 --> 00:18:28,899
Tuesday?
He died on Tuesday?
400
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,526
Oh, okay.
401
00:18:30,566 --> 00:18:33,569
So he must've met Jesus
on Sunday or Monday then.
402
00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:35,322
That's crazy.
Look at God.
403
00:18:35,364 --> 00:18:37,658
When he do it.
He knew he was comin' home.
404
00:18:37,699 --> 00:18:41,411
He introduced himself.
Man, always on time, ain't he?
405
00:18:41,452 --> 00:18:44,873
Always on time.
He barely made that one.
406
00:18:44,914 --> 00:18:46,458
That was like a last-second
field goal
407
00:18:46,499 --> 00:18:47,918
to Heaven right there.
He barely made that one."
408
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,421
[laughter]
409
00:18:51,462 --> 00:18:53,382
I used to do a joke
a long time ago
410
00:18:53,422 --> 00:18:56,093
about, like, how long
Black church is on Sundays,
411
00:18:56,134 --> 00:18:58,929
but, man, I been to quite a few
Black funerals in my life
412
00:18:58,970 --> 00:19:01,931
neck and neck
with Sunday service.
413
00:19:01,973 --> 00:19:03,892
Man, I been to some Black
funerals,
414
00:19:03,933 --> 00:19:07,979
I started looking around like,
"He ain't comin' back.
415
00:19:08,020 --> 00:19:11,316
At some point we gotta move on
with our own lives, too.
416
00:19:11,357 --> 00:19:13,693
I'll be honest with you,
I'm a friend-of-a-friend.
417
00:19:13,735 --> 00:19:15,863
I barely knew this guy,
man.
418
00:19:15,903 --> 00:19:18,323
We goin' on four hours.
This is the longest me and him
419
00:19:18,364 --> 00:19:21,701
ever hung out at one time.
420
00:19:21,742 --> 00:19:24,621
I'm learning a lot about him.
He seemed like a nice guy.
421
00:19:24,662 --> 00:19:27,248
I didn't know he was
a cornhole champion in college.
422
00:19:27,290 --> 00:19:28,917
That's crazy."
423
00:19:28,959 --> 00:19:31,879
[laughter]
424
00:19:33,087 --> 00:19:34,964
-[sighs]
-[man] Forty-four!
425
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,549
Yeah, it just popped up.
You saw that?
426
00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:39,010
[laughter]
427
00:19:39,052 --> 00:19:41,305
Damn, that's fucked up.
428
00:19:41,345 --> 00:19:43,765
You saw it in my face.
I was like...
429
00:19:43,806 --> 00:19:46,518
[laughter]
430
00:19:46,559 --> 00:19:48,519
Motherfucker
saw it in my face.
431
00:19:48,562 --> 00:19:51,523
[laughter]
432
00:19:54,317 --> 00:19:58,029
That was a good one, man.
[chuckles]
433
00:19:58,071 --> 00:19:59,823
I'll tell you what, though,
I've, uh--
434
00:19:59,864 --> 00:20:01,490
I've talked
to various family members.
435
00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:03,535
Like, I said I got--
there's things I want done,
436
00:20:03,576 --> 00:20:05,787
things I don't want done
when I pass away.
437
00:20:05,828 --> 00:20:08,832
Like, I don't want nobody
showing up at my funeral
438
00:20:08,873 --> 00:20:11,043
with me on a T-shirt.
439
00:20:11,084 --> 00:20:13,879
I don't know if you've seen
these T-shirts at funerals,
440
00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:16,381
but it's got clouds...
441
00:20:16,422 --> 00:20:18,717
and birds...
442
00:20:18,758 --> 00:20:22,261
and angels on it.
443
00:20:22,304 --> 00:20:24,056
At the bottom of the T-shirt
you're gonna have
444
00:20:24,096 --> 00:20:26,557
the day I was born
with the day I died.
445
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,352
Then right in the middle
of the T-shirt
446
00:20:28,393 --> 00:20:31,395
you're gonna have
a picture of me smiling
447
00:20:31,438 --> 00:20:33,774
like I'm happy I'm dead.
448
00:20:33,815 --> 00:20:36,526
[laughter]
449
00:20:36,567 --> 00:20:39,403
At least put
an accurate picture.
450
00:20:39,446 --> 00:20:41,405
[laughter]
451
00:20:41,448 --> 00:20:43,366
"Why the fuck I gotta die first,
man?"
452
00:20:45,326 --> 00:20:47,578
The only reason I say--
I get it.
453
00:20:47,621 --> 00:20:50,082
It's a sign of respect
and it's some how people...
454
00:20:50,123 --> 00:20:51,959
show their, you know,
how their mourning.
455
00:20:51,999 --> 00:20:54,294
But the only reason I don't want
a T-shirt at my funeral
456
00:20:54,335 --> 00:20:56,255
is 'cause, you know,
'cause what happens
457
00:20:56,296 --> 00:20:58,589
when the funeral's over?
Then you take the T-shirt off,
458
00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:00,675
throw it in the hamper.
Next thing I know,
459
00:21:00,717 --> 00:21:04,262
your dirty draws is on my face,
you disrespectful motherfuckers.
460
00:21:04,304 --> 00:21:07,348
Fellas, you might invite one
of your lady friends over
461
00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:10,602
one night, she's got skills
you didn't know she had.
462
00:21:10,643 --> 00:21:13,563
You finish early on your
stomach, "[screams]"
463
00:21:13,604 --> 00:21:15,274
I'm the nearest T-shirt.
Now you're wiping
464
00:21:15,315 --> 00:21:17,441
your shit on my face!
465
00:21:17,483 --> 00:21:21,904
Damnit, put me on a hoodie.
Respect the game.
466
00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:25,450
Ain't nobody ever wiped
their shit off on a hoodie.
467
00:21:25,491 --> 00:21:26,993
"Let me just grab the hoodie."
468
00:21:27,035 --> 00:21:28,662
"Man, it's gonna be
45-degrees tomorrow.
469
00:21:28,703 --> 00:21:30,956
Don't grab my hoodie.
I gotta wear that thing."
470
00:21:30,998 --> 00:21:33,791
Just shuffle your ass
to the bathroom.
471
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:36,585
"Hey,
where's your washcloths?
472
00:21:36,627 --> 00:21:38,255
I ain't trying to get none
on the carpet.
473
00:21:38,296 --> 00:21:40,298
Hold on.
474
00:21:40,339 --> 00:21:43,093
I told you I was backed up."
475
00:21:43,134 --> 00:21:46,054
[laughter]
476
00:21:49,975 --> 00:21:52,768
I looked out in the audience
during that joke
477
00:21:52,810 --> 00:21:54,770
and it looks like
some of you didn't get it.
478
00:21:54,813 --> 00:21:56,690
Um...
479
00:21:56,731 --> 00:21:58,858
Listen, if you're confused
and you don't know what kind
480
00:21:58,900 --> 00:22:01,652
of T-shirt I'm talking about,
um, after the show tonight,
481
00:22:01,694 --> 00:22:05,156
go home and pop on an episode
of The First 48
482
00:22:05,198 --> 00:22:07,284
and at the end of it
they'll do an update
483
00:22:07,325 --> 00:22:09,243
of the deceased
six months later
484
00:22:09,286 --> 00:22:12,122
and the family
will be in a park
485
00:22:12,163 --> 00:22:15,334
and they'll have the T-shirts on
setting off balloons.
486
00:22:15,374 --> 00:22:18,336
[laughter]
487
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:21,589
First way they'll bring
the cameras out
488
00:22:21,631 --> 00:22:24,425
they'll start interviewing
various family members.
489
00:22:24,468 --> 00:22:27,261
Like an aunt will get in front
of the camera,
490
00:22:27,304 --> 00:22:30,348
"I miss him.
I miss him.
491
00:22:30,390 --> 00:22:33,352
[laughter]
492
00:22:36,854 --> 00:22:38,690
I still--
I still talk to him, though.
493
00:22:38,731 --> 00:22:40,566
I still talk to him.
494
00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:43,987
He was gonna start
welding school on Monday
495
00:22:44,028 --> 00:22:46,405
'fore he passed.
He always wanted to be a welder.
496
00:22:46,448 --> 00:22:48,658
He was the best welder
in 11th grade
497
00:22:48,700 --> 00:22:51,118
in his vocational school.
He was amazing."
498
00:22:52,912 --> 00:22:56,083
Dude's niece will do
an original poem.
499
00:22:59,710 --> 00:23:03,089
"I miss my uncle.
He was so sweet.
500
00:23:03,131 --> 00:23:04,423
I want to talk to him.
I can't.
501
00:23:04,466 --> 00:23:06,300
'Cause he's six-foot-deep."
502
00:23:06,343 --> 00:23:09,261
-[laughter]
-"That was so good."
503
00:23:13,557 --> 00:23:15,309
Like, I--
504
00:23:15,352 --> 00:23:17,229
It's weird how you can say
you like watching
505
00:23:17,269 --> 00:23:19,314
The First 48.
506
00:23:19,355 --> 00:23:22,651
Here's my biggest issue
with The First 48, right?
507
00:23:22,691 --> 00:23:25,821
There's only a few shows on TV
I never wanna be on.
508
00:23:25,862 --> 00:23:27,655
I never wanna be on
The First 48,
509
00:23:27,697 --> 00:23:29,365
I never wanna be on
To Catch a Predator.
510
00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:32,243
-Nope.
-[laughter]
511
00:23:32,285 --> 00:23:34,871
I used to say three shows.
I used to say Cheaters,
512
00:23:34,912 --> 00:23:37,332
but we'll let that slide
right now.
513
00:23:37,373 --> 00:23:39,084
[laughter]
514
00:23:39,125 --> 00:23:42,045
Jokes, motherfuckers.
Jokes.
515
00:23:42,086 --> 00:23:45,589
[laughter]
516
00:23:45,632 --> 00:23:50,220
No, uh, first--this is my issue
with The First 48.
517
00:23:50,261 --> 00:23:52,264
They never air
one episode at a time.
518
00:23:52,305 --> 00:23:54,557
Why's it gotta be
eight episodes in a row?
519
00:23:54,598 --> 00:23:57,978
And then--And then it's so crazy
because if you happen to catch
520
00:23:58,018 --> 00:23:59,979
a show from the beginning,
you can't turn it off.
521
00:24:00,020 --> 00:24:03,107
You get so emotionally invested
in that murder.
522
00:24:03,150 --> 00:24:06,236
You really want them
to catch the criminal, you know?
523
00:24:06,277 --> 00:24:08,488
And they always show the murder
about 30 minutes in.
524
00:24:08,529 --> 00:24:11,490
He pops up
on that little computer.
525
00:24:11,533 --> 00:24:13,367
You know,
in the Detective's office?
526
00:24:13,410 --> 00:24:15,453
And they bring him in.
527
00:24:15,495 --> 00:24:18,289
And then you know he's lying
when he starts repeating
528
00:24:18,331 --> 00:24:20,792
everything the Detective
asked him.
529
00:24:20,834 --> 00:24:22,294
"So, let me tell you.
530
00:24:22,335 --> 00:24:23,586
Wh--Where were you
at three o'clock?"
531
00:24:23,627 --> 00:24:25,212
"Three o'clock?"
532
00:24:25,255 --> 00:24:28,174
[laughter]
533
00:24:29,468 --> 00:24:33,762
"You know Charles?"
"Charles?
534
00:24:33,805 --> 00:24:36,098
I don't know no Charles."
535
00:24:36,141 --> 00:24:39,268
Then they show him a picture.
"Oh, that's Charlie.
536
00:24:39,310 --> 00:24:42,146
No, you said 'Charles,'
That's 'Charlie.'
537
00:24:42,189 --> 00:24:44,566
Why would I kill Charlie?
I've known Charlie for 15 years.
538
00:24:44,607 --> 00:24:47,360
Why would I kill Charlie?"
539
00:24:47,402 --> 00:24:50,779
Then he gets convicted
and the episode ends
540
00:24:50,822 --> 00:24:53,950
and he's shuffling off
to the cop car all shackled up.
541
00:24:53,991 --> 00:24:56,952
And literally you're
in your home watching TV going,
542
00:24:56,995 --> 00:25:00,457
"Whoo! Man!
I feel safe.
543
00:25:00,498 --> 00:25:01,749
They got a murderer
off the street.
544
00:25:01,790 --> 00:25:05,002
I can go to Miami.
I can go to Miami now."
545
00:25:05,045 --> 00:25:07,380
So you feel safe.
Like in Miami there's one less
546
00:25:07,421 --> 00:25:08,882
murderer on the street.
547
00:25:08,923 --> 00:25:10,217
But--Here's The First 48,
548
00:25:10,258 --> 00:25:12,384
they don't even give you
a second
549
00:25:12,427 --> 00:25:14,930
to, like, come down
off the murder in Miami.
550
00:25:14,970 --> 00:25:17,348
They don't go to commercial.
They're like, "Fuck Miami.
551
00:25:17,390 --> 00:25:18,557
Let's go straight to
a new murder.
552
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:20,602
-Tulsa...
-[laughter]
553
00:25:20,643 --> 00:25:23,646
9:58 p.m.
554
00:25:23,688 --> 00:25:27,107
Shots ring out
in a Walmart parking lot.
555
00:25:27,150 --> 00:25:29,027
Michael is shot.
556
00:25:29,068 --> 00:25:32,113
He dies
on the way to the hospital.
557
00:25:32,154 --> 00:25:34,865
Michael was 21 years old,
an aspiring musician
558
00:25:34,908 --> 00:25:36,785
with 11 children."
559
00:25:36,825 --> 00:25:38,452
[laughter]
560
00:25:38,495 --> 00:25:42,457
"Damn, Mike should've spent
more time at the studio.
561
00:25:42,498 --> 00:25:45,585
Shit. Wouldn't have been
at Walmart getting Pampers."
562
00:25:50,923 --> 00:25:53,509
First 48 be in Cincinnati
sometimes, too.
563
00:25:53,552 --> 00:25:55,554
-I be seeing that shit.
-[audience murmurs]
564
00:25:55,595 --> 00:25:58,014
Yup.
They ain't been here in a while.
565
00:25:58,056 --> 00:25:59,723
I don't know what happened.
566
00:25:59,766 --> 00:26:01,433
[laughter]
567
00:26:01,476 --> 00:26:03,435
Cincinnati--Cincinnati's got
some areas, man.
568
00:26:03,478 --> 00:26:06,021
Fuck.
It's weird now, man,
569
00:26:06,064 --> 00:26:09,401
'cause the bad areas
are half bad.
570
00:26:09,441 --> 00:26:11,443
[laughter]
571
00:26:11,486 --> 00:26:13,613
You go down Vine you be cool.
572
00:26:13,654 --> 00:26:16,031
Then all of a sudden
you're like, "What the fuck?
573
00:26:16,074 --> 00:26:19,035
[laughter]
574
00:26:19,076 --> 00:26:22,162
I was just at a coffee shop.
575
00:26:22,204 --> 00:26:24,915
How the fuck
did I get in this neighborhood?"
576
00:26:24,958 --> 00:26:27,919
[cheers and applause]
577
00:26:34,718 --> 00:26:38,555
The fucking neighborhoods
in Cincinnati, boy.
578
00:26:38,596 --> 00:26:40,931
The Cincinnati Zoo
be killin' me
579
00:26:40,973 --> 00:26:42,726
'cause we got one of the nicest
zoos in the country,
580
00:26:42,767 --> 00:26:45,519
but that neighborhood
around it?
581
00:26:45,562 --> 00:26:48,690
Them animals ain't escapin'
the Cincinnati Zoo.
582
00:26:48,731 --> 00:26:51,776
[laughter]
583
00:26:51,817 --> 00:26:55,904
I would--I would love to see
a lion escape the zoo.
584
00:26:55,947 --> 00:26:58,616
"Rawr!
Fuck this!
585
00:26:58,658 --> 00:27:01,452
[laughter]
586
00:27:01,493 --> 00:27:04,956
The fuck's going on?"
587
00:27:04,998 --> 00:27:07,208
All the lions,
"I thought you left."
588
00:27:07,249 --> 00:27:08,960
"Motherfucker,
it's a jungle out there!"
589
00:27:11,671 --> 00:27:13,506
Some of them neighborhoods
in Cincinnati, they be lookin'
590
00:27:13,547 --> 00:27:16,258
at that lion, "The fuck
a lion doing around here?"
591
00:27:16,300 --> 00:27:19,261
[laughter]
592
00:27:22,140 --> 00:27:24,476
Don't even phase
these motherfuckers.
593
00:27:33,276 --> 00:27:36,237
[laughter]
594
00:27:36,278 --> 00:27:38,239
"Fuckin' lion, bro."
595
00:27:39,365 --> 00:27:41,617
[laughs]
596
00:27:41,660 --> 00:27:43,452
Some of them addicts,
they be trying to get some shit
597
00:27:43,495 --> 00:27:45,913
off the lion.
"You got any change?"
598
00:27:45,954 --> 00:27:50,585
"It's a lion!
How high are you?"
599
00:27:50,626 --> 00:27:54,005
"Shut the fuck up.
That ain't a lion.
600
00:27:54,046 --> 00:27:56,173
You--Hey.
Hey, you a lion?
601
00:27:56,216 --> 00:27:59,469
You a lion? You a lion?
They say you a lion.
602
00:27:59,510 --> 00:28:01,261
You a lion?
603
00:28:01,304 --> 00:28:04,265
[laughter]
604
00:28:06,101 --> 00:28:08,268
-Rawr.
-[laughter]
605
00:28:08,310 --> 00:28:10,145
Rawr.
606
00:28:10,188 --> 00:28:12,481
That motherfucker
ain't no lion."
607
00:28:12,524 --> 00:28:15,485
[laughter]
608
00:28:20,614 --> 00:28:23,535
[laughs]
609
00:28:25,912 --> 00:28:29,498
That's the shit, man.
[sighs]
610
00:28:29,540 --> 00:28:31,543
Like, people ask me, like,
what I've been doing
611
00:28:31,584 --> 00:28:33,795
'cause I been kinda
layin' low lately, you know?
612
00:28:33,836 --> 00:28:36,463
Watched a lot of Netflix.
A lot of Netflix, man.
613
00:28:36,506 --> 00:28:41,219
Fuck. I star--I watched so much
Netflix in the last six months,
614
00:28:41,260 --> 00:28:44,346
Netflix stopped
giving me suggestions.
615
00:28:44,389 --> 00:28:48,476
"Fuck it, man,
you watched everything."
616
00:28:48,518 --> 00:28:51,229
And, like, you know,
Netflix is cool, but, like,
617
00:28:51,270 --> 00:28:53,064
I like some
of the original programmin'.
618
00:28:53,105 --> 00:28:55,733
I like, like,
the Squid Game was good.
619
00:28:55,775 --> 00:28:57,568
And then I watched
that show Made.
620
00:28:57,610 --> 00:28:59,738
That was good.
I liked that show Made
621
00:28:59,778 --> 00:29:01,573
'cause they lived
in a trailer and they broke up.
622
00:29:01,614 --> 00:29:06,368
-I was like, "Ooh.
-[laughter]
623
00:29:06,411 --> 00:29:10,248
I can relate to this shit."
624
00:29:10,289 --> 00:29:12,167
The documentaries be fucking
me up on Netflix, though.
625
00:29:12,208 --> 00:29:14,460
Them documentaries.
I be like, "Where they be
626
00:29:14,501 --> 00:29:17,255
finding this shit?"
I watched that Jeffrey Epstein.
627
00:29:17,296 --> 00:29:20,174
That documentary?
That dude was wildin'.
628
00:29:20,216 --> 00:29:22,384
Even R. Kelly was like,
"You doing too much, bro.
629
00:29:22,427 --> 00:29:25,430
-Slow down. Seriously.
-[laughter]
630
00:29:25,471 --> 00:29:26,931
I took a girl to Chicago.
631
00:29:26,972 --> 00:29:28,266
This motherfucker
had an island."
632
00:29:28,307 --> 00:29:30,101
I was like, "Levels."
633
00:29:30,143 --> 00:29:34,104
[laughter]
634
00:29:34,146 --> 00:29:37,650
I watched, uh, man, I watched
that Aaron Hernandez documentary
635
00:29:37,691 --> 00:29:41,237
and that dude was wildin'.
That dude was killin' people,
636
00:29:41,278 --> 00:29:43,198
suckin' dick,
and catching touchdowns
637
00:29:43,239 --> 00:29:45,700
in the same weekend.
638
00:29:45,741 --> 00:29:49,370
I ain't never had a weekend
that wild.
639
00:29:49,412 --> 00:29:51,789
He got me beat.
640
00:29:51,831 --> 00:29:55,043
Aaron Hernandez did three things
in three days
641
00:29:55,084 --> 00:29:56,877
I have never done.
642
00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:58,921
I've never killed nobody,
I've never sucked a dick,
643
00:29:58,962 --> 00:30:01,466
and I have never
caught a touchdown.
644
00:30:01,508 --> 00:30:03,718
I got nothing in common
with that dude.
645
00:30:03,759 --> 00:30:06,805
[laughter]
646
00:30:06,845 --> 00:30:09,223
Here's my biggest issue
with Netflix.
647
00:30:09,265 --> 00:30:12,393
I don't like it that, Netflix,
they don't give
648
00:30:12,434 --> 00:30:14,895
accurate descriptions
of a lot of their programs.
649
00:30:14,938 --> 00:30:16,815
So, you'll watch something.
Think you're watching--
650
00:30:16,855 --> 00:30:18,441
and it'll be--it'll be about
about totally something--
651
00:30:18,482 --> 00:30:19,776
something else
that you didn't see comin'.
652
00:30:19,817 --> 00:30:21,361
Like,
you had no business watching.
653
00:30:21,402 --> 00:30:23,278
'Cause one day I was searching
through Netflix
654
00:30:23,321 --> 00:30:28,159
and, uh, I saw this documentary
called Abducted in Plain Sight.
655
00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:29,827
-[audience groans]
-Some of you seen it,
656
00:30:29,868 --> 00:30:32,287
some of you haven't.
Well, this is what Netflix
657
00:30:32,329 --> 00:30:33,957
says it's about.
Netflix said,
658
00:30:33,998 --> 00:30:36,709
"See how a young family
moves to Utah
659
00:30:36,750 --> 00:30:39,002
and their oldest daughter
gets kidnapped not once,
660
00:30:39,045 --> 00:30:41,130
but twice by the same
next-door-neighbor.
661
00:30:41,171 --> 00:30:42,673
-[woman] Oh, yeah.
-I'm like,
662
00:30:42,714 --> 00:30:44,299
"How the fuck's that happen?"
I watch that.
663
00:30:44,342 --> 00:30:45,802
I turn it on.
664
00:30:45,844 --> 00:30:50,347
So,
this is what it's really about.
665
00:30:50,390 --> 00:30:51,723
This is what
it's really about.
666
00:30:51,766 --> 00:30:54,184
It's a husband, wife,
three daughters.
667
00:30:54,227 --> 00:30:56,854
They move to Utah.
They move right next door
668
00:30:56,895 --> 00:30:59,857
to this guy and his wife.
So the next-door-neighbor dude
669
00:30:59,899 --> 00:31:02,026
takes a likin'
to the oldest daughter.
670
00:31:02,067 --> 00:31:05,363
So he ends up
fuckin' the dad...
671
00:31:05,404 --> 00:31:07,614
then he kidnaps the daughter.
672
00:31:07,656 --> 00:31:11,160
Notice what I just said
right there.
673
00:31:11,201 --> 00:31:13,371
The dad fucked the dad!
674
00:31:13,412 --> 00:31:16,164
You gotta put
that in the description!
675
00:31:16,207 --> 00:31:18,710
How you leave that shit out?
That changed the whole
676
00:31:18,750 --> 00:31:21,129
goddamn documentary
for me personally.
677
00:31:21,170 --> 00:31:23,506
[laughter]
678
00:31:23,547 --> 00:31:27,050
-Gets worse.
-[laughter]
679
00:31:27,093 --> 00:31:30,721
So the dad fucks the dad...
kidnaps the daughter.
680
00:31:30,762 --> 00:31:32,390
Then they catch him
with the daughter.
681
00:31:32,431 --> 00:31:34,100
He says, "Yeah, yeah,
go ahead and turn me in.
682
00:31:34,142 --> 00:31:36,435
Go ahead and press charges.
If you do...
683
00:31:36,477 --> 00:31:38,688
I'm telling everybody
your dad's a homosexual."
684
00:31:38,729 --> 00:31:40,273
Family don't want that shit
getting out.
685
00:31:40,315 --> 00:31:42,566
They don't press charges.
So, he gets to move
686
00:31:42,608 --> 00:31:44,402
right next door again.
687
00:31:44,443 --> 00:31:47,279
Then he ends up
fucking the mom...
688
00:31:47,322 --> 00:31:51,075
then he kidnaps
the daughter again!
689
00:31:51,116 --> 00:31:52,911
And the whole time
I'm watching this shit
690
00:31:52,951 --> 00:31:57,373
I'm going, "Goddamnit..."
I know Black people are going,
691
00:31:57,414 --> 00:31:59,249
"That's some White people shit
right there.
692
00:31:59,291 --> 00:32:01,001
[laughter]
693
00:32:01,044 --> 00:32:03,421
That would never happen
to no Black family."
694
00:32:03,462 --> 00:32:06,089
[cheers and applause]
695
00:32:06,132 --> 00:32:07,383
Fuck you.
That's Utah white.
696
00:32:07,424 --> 00:32:09,052
That's a different type
of White.
697
00:32:09,093 --> 00:32:11,095
I'm not taking a L
for my whole race on that one.
698
00:32:13,972 --> 00:32:16,558
What makes the documentary
even more disturbing,
699
00:32:16,601 --> 00:32:18,728
is the dad is the narrator.
700
00:32:18,769 --> 00:32:20,395
It ain't somebody else
telling the story.
701
00:32:20,438 --> 00:32:22,356
No, the dad's going into detail
about how he fucked
702
00:32:22,397 --> 00:32:24,191
the neighbor dude.
703
00:32:24,232 --> 00:32:26,736
And, listen, you don't see
this twist coming at all
704
00:32:26,777 --> 00:32:28,403
'cause the documentary is about
an hour-and-a-half long.
705
00:32:28,446 --> 00:32:30,030
It's about 30 minutes in
before this twist happens.
706
00:32:30,073 --> 00:32:31,783
So,
30 minutes in it's movin' along
707
00:32:31,824 --> 00:32:33,367
like a regular
kidnapping documentary.
708
00:32:33,409 --> 00:32:35,827
So at this point
I'm not really paying attention.
709
00:32:35,870 --> 00:32:37,162
I'm on my phone.
I'm texting people.
710
00:32:37,204 --> 00:32:38,789
More listening than watching,
right?
711
00:32:38,831 --> 00:32:40,959
And all of a sudden the dad...
712
00:32:40,999 --> 00:32:42,626
in the middle of the TV
on his recliner
713
00:32:42,669 --> 00:32:44,921
and he just starts talking.
714
00:32:44,962 --> 00:32:47,507
"Well, um...
715
00:32:47,547 --> 00:32:50,843
so, Bill came over...
716
00:32:50,884 --> 00:32:54,596
and...he asked me
to go for a ride...
717
00:32:54,639 --> 00:32:57,933
in his--in his car.
718
00:32:57,976 --> 00:33:00,687
So I got in his car...
719
00:33:00,728 --> 00:33:02,980
and we went for a ride.
720
00:33:04,899 --> 00:33:06,985
And he stopped...
721
00:33:07,026 --> 00:33:09,487
near a park...
722
00:33:09,528 --> 00:33:12,114
and he proceeded to tell me
723
00:33:12,155 --> 00:33:14,825
he's no longer happy...
724
00:33:14,866 --> 00:33:16,911
in his marriage.
725
00:33:16,952 --> 00:33:18,829
And him and his wife...
726
00:33:18,871 --> 00:33:21,498
are no longer intimate.
727
00:33:21,540 --> 00:33:23,584
And I looked over...
728
00:33:23,625 --> 00:33:25,502
and his penis was out.
729
00:33:25,545 --> 00:33:27,921
[laughter]
730
00:33:27,963 --> 00:33:32,634
And he said to me,
'I just need a release.
731
00:33:32,677 --> 00:33:35,846
I just need a release.'
732
00:33:35,887 --> 00:33:38,765
[laughter]
733
00:33:38,808 --> 00:33:41,477
So, I leaned over...
734
00:33:41,518 --> 00:33:43,562
and I released him."
735
00:33:45,022 --> 00:33:46,816
And I'm on my phone like,
736
00:33:46,857 --> 00:33:49,736
"The fuck he just say?"
737
00:33:49,776 --> 00:33:53,573
Now I'm rewinding this shit.
I can't turn it off.
738
00:33:53,613 --> 00:33:56,075
It's a fucking trainwreck
at this point.
739
00:33:56,116 --> 00:33:58,828
So I watched the whole
Goddamn documentary
740
00:33:58,870 --> 00:34:00,997
and as soon as it's over,
Netflix starts suggesting
741
00:34:01,038 --> 00:34:02,832
all this new shit
for me to watch.
742
00:34:02,873 --> 00:34:05,125
"Gary, by your viewing history,
you might wanna watch
743
00:34:05,167 --> 00:34:07,462
Brokeback Mountain.
744
00:34:07,502 --> 00:34:09,464
You might wanna check out
The Crying Game."
745
00:34:09,504 --> 00:34:10,922
I'm like...
746
00:34:10,964 --> 00:34:13,968
[laughter]
747
00:34:14,009 --> 00:34:17,388
[laughs]
748
00:34:17,430 --> 00:34:19,223
Cincinnati's fun.
Every time I walk around
749
00:34:19,265 --> 00:34:21,142
downtown Cincinnati--
every time I walk around
750
00:34:21,183 --> 00:34:25,187
downtown, it's, uh--
Cincinnati's definitely a city
751
00:34:25,229 --> 00:34:28,024
I am Black famous in downtown.
752
00:34:28,066 --> 00:34:29,817
'Cause I tell ya, every time
I walk around downtown
753
00:34:29,859 --> 00:34:31,069
during the day,
I don't ever get stopped
754
00:34:31,109 --> 00:34:33,071
by any white people.
Ever. Ever.
755
00:34:33,111 --> 00:34:34,404
I get stopped by
every Black person, though.
756
00:34:34,446 --> 00:34:37,200
Fuck.
Sometimes Black people stop me
757
00:34:37,241 --> 00:34:38,701
even if
they don't know my name.
758
00:34:38,743 --> 00:34:40,828
They just know they seen me
on something.
759
00:34:40,870 --> 00:34:43,413
-[laughter]
-'Cause I be walking.
760
00:34:43,455 --> 00:34:44,915
I'll see three brothers
coming this way.
761
00:34:44,957 --> 00:34:46,375
And I can see the wheels
fucking turning
762
00:34:46,417 --> 00:34:48,544
as they get closer
and they be like,
763
00:34:48,585 --> 00:34:51,297
"Oh, shit!
Oh, shi--!
764
00:34:51,339 --> 00:34:54,049
That's old boy!
765
00:34:54,091 --> 00:34:57,053
That's old boy right there!
That's old boy!"
766
00:34:57,095 --> 00:34:58,303
And then their friend
will come up.
767
00:34:58,346 --> 00:35:01,431
"Oh, that is him.
That's him.
768
00:35:01,473 --> 00:35:03,475
He's from the, um...
769
00:35:03,517 --> 00:35:05,895
He's from the, um...
770
00:35:05,937 --> 00:35:08,980
Yup, yup, that's him.
771
00:35:09,022 --> 00:35:12,526
[laughter]
772
00:35:12,567 --> 00:35:15,529
I have never--I've never been on
a show called The Yep,
773
00:35:15,571 --> 00:35:18,073
by the way.
And sometimes if I look back,
774
00:35:18,116 --> 00:35:19,991
like, Black people look at me
like I'm not supposed
775
00:35:20,033 --> 00:35:21,953
to look back at 'em.
"Don't look back here!
776
00:35:21,993 --> 00:35:24,955
-You know you you.
-[laughter]
777
00:35:26,832 --> 00:35:29,127
Motherfucker walking around
the scene like you ain't you.
778
00:35:29,167 --> 00:35:30,877
Yeah, it's you!
It's you!
779
00:35:30,919 --> 00:35:34,006
[laughs]
He actin' like he ain't him."
780
00:35:40,428 --> 00:35:42,765
I like--I tell you,
I like being Black famous.
781
00:35:42,806 --> 00:35:44,600
Oh, I do. I like it.
Because I travel.
782
00:35:44,642 --> 00:35:46,602
I'm in a different city
every week
783
00:35:46,643 --> 00:35:49,147
and, um, I love it, like,
when I get to cities
784
00:35:49,187 --> 00:35:52,316
and I see, uh--I see Black
people in customer service jobs.
785
00:35:52,357 --> 00:35:54,276
So, if I'm at the airport
I like when Black people work
786
00:35:54,317 --> 00:35:56,529
at Delta or United.
When I get to a hotel
787
00:35:56,571 --> 00:35:58,823
I love it when Black people
are at the front desk.
788
00:35:58,864 --> 00:36:00,658
'Cause what I've learned
through my travels
789
00:36:00,700 --> 00:36:02,785
is when Black people know you
and they like you,
790
00:36:02,826 --> 00:36:07,080
man, Black people
will hook you up.
791
00:36:07,122 --> 00:36:10,042
-[cheers and applause]
-They--
792
00:36:13,044 --> 00:36:17,299
They don't give a fuck
about the rules.
793
00:36:17,341 --> 00:36:19,676
White people,
we're not like that.
794
00:36:19,718 --> 00:36:21,803
We're just not.
We wanna help people,
795
00:36:21,846 --> 00:36:23,555
but we can't.
"Company policy."
796
00:36:23,598 --> 00:36:25,600
-But we do.
-[laughter]
797
00:36:25,640 --> 00:36:28,185
"I can't.
Cameras."
798
00:36:28,227 --> 00:36:31,189
[laughter]
799
00:36:39,571 --> 00:36:41,364
[chuckles]
800
00:36:41,406 --> 00:36:43,993
I was thinking about
all the free shit
801
00:36:44,035 --> 00:36:46,370
I've gotten in my life
being Black famous, right?
802
00:36:46,412 --> 00:36:50,040
We've gotten free clothes,
free shoes, food, liquor.
803
00:36:50,082 --> 00:36:53,210
Gotten into places
I shouldn't be in, you know?
804
00:36:53,252 --> 00:36:55,129
Shit, I remember--
[chuckles] This is a true story.
805
00:36:55,171 --> 00:36:57,047
About, like, five--
five or six years ago.
806
00:36:57,089 --> 00:36:58,549
So, I was going
to a Bengals game
807
00:36:58,591 --> 00:37:00,218
I'm walk around
trying to look for the gate.
808
00:37:00,259 --> 00:37:01,886
I'm getting in, right?
So, I'm sitting there
809
00:37:01,928 --> 00:37:03,095
and all of a sudden I'm looking
up and all of a sudden,
810
00:37:03,136 --> 00:37:04,513
this one Black dude,
security guard,
811
00:37:04,555 --> 00:37:05,973
he was like,
"Hey, what's up, G?
812
00:37:06,015 --> 00:37:07,515
You in town?
You got a show or something?"
813
00:37:07,558 --> 00:37:08,975
I said, "No, I'm just going
to the game."
814
00:37:09,017 --> 00:37:10,810
He goes, "You got tickets?"
"Yeah, yeah."
815
00:37:10,852 --> 00:37:12,772
So, I show him the tickets.
"Come on. I'll walk you in."
816
00:37:12,812 --> 00:37:14,732
Motherfucker walked me in.
Fifteen minutes later,
817
00:37:14,774 --> 00:37:16,776
we on the sidelines pre-game.
I said, "Damn, this motherfucker
818
00:37:16,817 --> 00:37:19,736
-got me on the field."
-[laughter]
819
00:37:25,243 --> 00:37:27,912
So we sitting there bullshitting
about life
820
00:37:27,953 --> 00:37:29,872
and all of a sudden he goes,
"G, I'll be right back.
821
00:37:29,913 --> 00:37:31,290
I'm gonna do something.
Just stay right here.
822
00:37:31,332 --> 00:37:32,792
You good. This my area."
I said, "All right."
823
00:37:32,832 --> 00:37:34,542
I'm sitting there
and I got no lanyard,
824
00:37:34,584 --> 00:37:36,837
I got no credentials.
All of a sudden,
825
00:37:36,879 --> 00:37:38,172
a white security guard
comes from here.
826
00:37:38,214 --> 00:37:39,756
"Hey!
Where's your credentials?"
827
00:37:39,799 --> 00:37:41,509
Now I know I didn't wanna snitch
on our boy.
828
00:37:41,549 --> 00:37:43,261
"I-I don't have anything."
829
00:37:43,301 --> 00:37:44,761
He's like,
"How'd you get down here?"
830
00:37:44,803 --> 00:37:47,765
-I go, "I just walked."
-[laughter]
831
00:37:49,558 --> 00:37:51,935
So now he's trying
to kick me out the stadium.
832
00:37:51,977 --> 00:37:53,604
Why did another Black security
guard
833
00:37:53,645 --> 00:37:54,897
come from the other side
of the field,
834
00:37:54,939 --> 00:37:57,232
-"G! Just come down here!"
-"Okay.
835
00:37:57,274 --> 00:38:00,736
-I'm going here now."
-[laughter]
836
00:38:00,777 --> 00:38:03,363
I'm bullshitting
with this dude.
837
00:38:03,406 --> 00:38:06,533
He's upset with the white dude.
"This motherfucker, man.
838
00:38:06,575 --> 00:38:07,993
Motherfucker been here
five years.
839
00:38:08,035 --> 00:38:09,203
I been here since Ken Anderson
were here.
840
00:38:09,245 --> 00:38:10,745
Motherfucker.
Ken Anderson!
841
00:38:10,788 --> 00:38:12,455
Forty-five years.
Motherfucker been here five
842
00:38:12,497 --> 00:38:14,375
and he trying to run shit.
Gary, I got this.
843
00:38:14,417 --> 00:38:15,709
From the 30 to the end zone.
That's my shit.
844
00:38:15,750 --> 00:38:17,085
This motherfucker got ten yards.
845
00:38:17,127 --> 00:38:19,922
He trying to run
the whole Goddamn field."
846
00:38:19,964 --> 00:38:21,381
I'm just agreeing with him.
847
00:38:21,424 --> 00:38:24,176
"He do seem like he do too much.
He did, man."
848
00:38:24,218 --> 00:38:27,138
[laughter]
849
00:38:28,888 --> 00:38:31,100
Even when we got in town.
Like, we flew in--
850
00:38:31,142 --> 00:38:32,600
we flew in, like,
three days ago
851
00:38:32,642 --> 00:38:34,979
for the special.
Got an early night.
852
00:38:35,020 --> 00:38:37,064
I had a bunch of--
My boys were in town.
853
00:38:37,105 --> 00:38:39,649
So, we went to Avis when
we landed to get a rent-a-car
854
00:38:39,692 --> 00:38:41,819
and, uh, we got to Avis
there was, uh,
855
00:38:41,861 --> 00:38:44,238
two white ladies and one
Black lady working at Avis.
856
00:38:44,279 --> 00:38:47,450
So, we get in line
and literally I waited
857
00:38:47,491 --> 00:38:50,910
for the Black lady's counter
to open up at Avis, you know?
858
00:38:50,953 --> 00:38:53,247
Like, it was my turn to go
and the white lady goes, "Next."
859
00:38:53,288 --> 00:38:55,165
"No, go ahead, man.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
860
00:38:55,207 --> 00:38:57,459
You go ahead. I'ma wait.
Go ahead. Go ahead."
861
00:38:57,500 --> 00:38:59,169
[laughter]
862
00:38:59,210 --> 00:39:01,504
As soon as that Black lady's
counter opened up,
863
00:39:01,547 --> 00:39:02,506
I was walking up like,
"Come on, please recognize me.
864
00:39:02,547 --> 00:39:04,049
Please recognize me."
865
00:39:04,091 --> 00:39:05,593
So I got there.
She knew who I was.
866
00:39:05,634 --> 00:39:08,721
She goes, "Oh, hey, Gary.
What you doing in town?
867
00:39:08,763 --> 00:39:10,013
You back home
for a couple days?"
868
00:39:10,055 --> 00:39:11,556
"Yeah.
No, I got a show.
869
00:39:11,598 --> 00:39:12,975
I'm filming
my Showtime special out here.
870
00:39:13,017 --> 00:39:14,852
"Oh, okay. Okay.
I might have to check that out.
871
00:39:14,893 --> 00:39:17,855
Okay, well, let me see
what we got you in real quick.
872
00:39:17,897 --> 00:39:20,857
[laughter]
873
00:39:22,151 --> 00:39:25,029
What the fuck?
Economy?
874
00:39:25,071 --> 00:39:27,238
Mm-mm. I can't have you
riding around my city
875
00:39:27,281 --> 00:39:29,075
in that bullshit.
876
00:39:29,116 --> 00:39:33,453
[cheers and applause]
877
00:39:33,495 --> 00:39:35,538
I don't know what the fuck
she start typing,
878
00:39:35,580 --> 00:39:39,417
alls I know, we got an Escalade
for $34 right now, so...
879
00:39:39,459 --> 00:39:42,922
[cheers and applause]
880
00:39:42,962 --> 00:39:45,424
Thank you,
Black lady at Avis.
881
00:39:45,466 --> 00:39:49,386
[laughter]
882
00:39:49,428 --> 00:39:52,723
Hell yes she got free tickets.
She's in here somewhere.
883
00:39:52,765 --> 00:39:55,725
-Shit.
-[cheers and applause]
884
00:40:00,605 --> 00:40:03,567
Yeah, you take care of me.
I take care of you.
885
00:40:03,609 --> 00:40:05,652
Trust.
886
00:40:05,694 --> 00:40:07,696
But it was funny because
I didn't know
887
00:40:07,738 --> 00:40:09,239
what she was typing.
She was typing away
888
00:40:09,281 --> 00:40:10,741
and then she hit me
with the keys.
889
00:40:10,783 --> 00:40:12,410
That's when I looked
at the new contract
890
00:40:12,451 --> 00:40:14,912
and that's when I saw,
"Escalade. Four days.
891
00:40:14,953 --> 00:40:18,165
Thirty four dollars."
Not a day.
892
00:40:18,207 --> 00:40:21,084
Total $34.
893
00:40:21,127 --> 00:40:23,712
It's like $8.75 a day.
894
00:40:25,797 --> 00:40:27,466
So when I saw that,
I grabbed my road manager.
895
00:40:27,508 --> 00:40:29,051
I said,
"Yo, man, leave her tickets.
896
00:40:29,093 --> 00:40:30,136
Any show she wants to go to.
Leave her tickets.
897
00:40:30,176 --> 00:40:31,220
Just let her go.
Come on."
898
00:40:31,261 --> 00:40:32,930
So he's like, "All right."
899
00:40:32,971 --> 00:40:34,598
So, now when she realized
I was gonna leave her
900
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:36,267
tickets to the show,
now she wanted to do
901
00:40:36,308 --> 00:40:40,770
more shit for me
as if the $34 wasn't enough.
902
00:40:40,812 --> 00:40:42,647
So now I'm walking
to the Escalade and she started
903
00:40:42,689 --> 00:40:44,942
yelling at me, "Gary!
904
00:40:44,984 --> 00:40:47,819
Gary!
905
00:40:47,861 --> 00:40:50,448
Don't worry
about that gas, either."
906
00:40:50,488 --> 00:40:53,408
-[laughter, cheers and applause]
-"Okay.
907
00:40:57,495 --> 00:41:00,623
I ain't putting no gas
in that motherfucker.
908
00:41:00,665 --> 00:41:02,417
Oh, it's gonna come back
on empty.
909
00:41:02,459 --> 00:41:05,379
Trust and believe
it's gonna come back on empty.
910
00:41:05,421 --> 00:41:07,547
If I gotta push
that motherfucker myself."
911
00:41:11,343 --> 00:41:13,136
[woman shouts indistinctly]
912
00:41:13,178 --> 00:41:15,388
Oh, I think that was her.
913
00:41:15,430 --> 00:41:17,892
[laughter]
914
00:41:17,933 --> 00:41:21,812
I see you. Thank you.
Doo doo.
915
00:41:21,854 --> 00:41:23,772
You gotta figure out things,
man.
916
00:41:23,814 --> 00:41:25,566
A lot of life changes
going on right now.
917
00:41:25,607 --> 00:41:27,401
I gotta figure out--
I know, um...
918
00:41:27,442 --> 00:41:29,111
I know eventually they be
calling me they be calling me.
919
00:41:29,152 --> 00:41:30,279
Trying to get on all these
talk shows and stuff.
920
00:41:30,321 --> 00:41:31,863
I been saying no
the whole time.
921
00:41:31,906 --> 00:41:33,491
I don't wanna talk about it
right now,
922
00:41:33,531 --> 00:41:35,701
but if I ever do
make a statement,
923
00:41:35,743 --> 00:41:40,330
[groans] gotta figure out
who I'm gonna blame.
924
00:41:40,372 --> 00:41:43,459
It ain't gonna be me,
so...
925
00:41:43,500 --> 00:41:46,212
I think at this point I might--
I might go with Bill Cosby
926
00:41:46,252 --> 00:41:48,339
-at this point because...
-[laughter]
927
00:41:48,379 --> 00:41:50,841
if you kinda think about it,
in a roundabout way,
928
00:41:50,883 --> 00:41:53,551
it's kinda Bill Cosby's fault,
too, because...
929
00:41:53,593 --> 00:41:55,721
before Bill Cosby got in trouble
with his scandal,
930
00:41:55,763 --> 00:41:58,515
you never heard of a comedian
in any kind of sex scandal.
931
00:41:58,556 --> 00:42:00,392
It was, like, athletes
and rappers had all scandals.
932
00:42:00,433 --> 00:42:02,435
Comedians, we were over here.
Nobody fucked with us
933
00:42:02,477 --> 00:42:03,979
because we were kiddin'.
934
00:42:04,020 --> 00:42:05,522
[laughter]
935
00:42:05,564 --> 00:42:07,691
"What'd you say?"
"I was just kiddin'."
936
00:42:10,236 --> 00:42:11,819
One thing I will say
about Bill Cosby, though,
937
00:42:11,861 --> 00:42:13,488
he definitely had a type,
didn't he?
938
00:42:13,531 --> 00:42:15,323
Man,
he liked white women.
939
00:42:15,366 --> 00:42:17,826
Whoo! If it's snowin',
he's goin', baby.
940
00:42:17,868 --> 00:42:20,788
[laughter]
941
00:42:22,580 --> 00:42:25,375
I think at one point I read
one day in the courtroom
942
00:42:25,417 --> 00:42:27,210
I think there was,
like, 32 women
943
00:42:27,252 --> 00:42:29,004
was accusing him of stuff.
944
00:42:29,046 --> 00:42:30,631
Like, and I-I think at one point
they was all in the courtroom.
945
00:42:30,672 --> 00:42:32,549
There was, like, 32 white ladies
in the courtroom
946
00:42:32,591 --> 00:42:34,676
accusing Bill Cosby of stuff.
And, like...
947
00:42:34,718 --> 00:42:36,553
it wasn't just the public
that was shocked by that stuff.
948
00:42:36,595 --> 00:42:37,930
It was, like, comedians,
we were shocked.
949
00:42:37,971 --> 00:42:39,348
'Cause that's like
one of our own.
950
00:42:39,390 --> 00:42:40,723
It was like,
"Man, this is crazy, man.
951
00:42:40,765 --> 00:42:42,725
Rudy's dad."
952
00:42:42,767 --> 00:42:46,105
[laughter]
953
00:42:46,145 --> 00:42:47,605
I remember one night
a bunch of us comics
954
00:42:47,647 --> 00:42:49,692
in the greenroom talking
and for some reason
955
00:42:49,732 --> 00:42:52,236
the conversation shifted to me
and someone was like,
956
00:42:52,277 --> 00:42:54,196
"Gary, what if that was you?
What if you was Bill Cosby?
957
00:42:54,238 --> 00:42:56,198
How would you get out of it?"
I said, "Well...
958
00:42:56,239 --> 00:42:58,283
first of all,
I'd never be in that situation.
959
00:42:58,325 --> 00:43:00,368
Second of all,
if you're telling me
960
00:43:00,410 --> 00:43:02,078
I'm in a courtroom.
I got 32 white ladies
961
00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:03,705
staring at me saying
I did something to them,
962
00:43:03,747 --> 00:43:05,623
I don't need a lawyer,
I could defend myself
963
00:43:05,665 --> 00:43:07,709
against those accusations."
964
00:43:07,750 --> 00:43:09,712
Sittin' on the stand
just lookin' at me.
965
00:43:09,752 --> 00:43:13,716
"How do you plea, Mr. Owen?"
"Not guilty!"
966
00:43:13,756 --> 00:43:15,341
"Well, you said that
with a lot of confidence.
967
00:43:15,384 --> 00:43:17,511
How can you be 100% sure?"
"I know I'm not guilty,
968
00:43:17,553 --> 00:43:19,930
Your Honor,
'cause I ain't had white pussy
969
00:43:19,971 --> 00:43:21,931
since white pussy had me.
970
00:43:21,973 --> 00:43:24,183
[laughter]
971
00:43:24,225 --> 00:43:27,770
The last white pussy I had
was my mama's
972
00:43:27,812 --> 00:43:31,567
and I have never been
in another white pussy since.
973
00:43:31,609 --> 00:43:35,111
I had to fight and crawl my way
out that pussy
974
00:43:35,154 --> 00:43:36,779
and I barely made it!
975
00:43:36,821 --> 00:43:40,116
And once my head
was finally free...
976
00:43:40,158 --> 00:43:42,076
and I could see and breathe
on my own
977
00:43:42,118 --> 00:43:43,787
for the first time...
978
00:43:43,828 --> 00:43:46,832
I took one last look back
and I said to my baby self,
979
00:43:46,873 --> 00:43:48,750
'Never again.'
980
00:43:48,792 --> 00:43:51,754
[laughter]
981
00:43:51,794 --> 00:43:55,131
[cheers and applause]
982
00:43:55,174 --> 00:43:59,803
I think I suffer from
white pussy PTSD.
983
00:43:59,845 --> 00:44:03,181
Even my daddy left her.
984
00:44:03,223 --> 00:44:07,060
Everybody leaves
that white pussy, Your Honor."
985
00:44:07,102 --> 00:44:09,772
I'm kidding!
986
00:44:09,812 --> 00:44:12,357
These are jokes!
987
00:44:12,399 --> 00:44:15,234
I'm sure my mom
has amazing pussy.
988
00:44:15,276 --> 00:44:18,113
[laughter]
989
00:44:18,154 --> 00:44:21,158
She got seven kids.
990
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:23,993
Multiple baby daddies.
991
00:44:24,035 --> 00:44:27,163
I dare wanna say
my mama got that wap, shit.
992
00:44:27,205 --> 00:44:30,000
[cheers and applause]
993
00:44:30,042 --> 00:44:31,669
You ain't got all them
baby daddies,
994
00:44:31,709 --> 00:44:34,672
you ain't got that wap.
995
00:44:34,712 --> 00:44:37,424
First time I heard that song
I called my mom
996
00:44:37,466 --> 00:44:40,176
I said, "Mom, they wrote a song
about you."
997
00:44:40,218 --> 00:44:42,971
-[laughter]
-She's like, "What is it?"
998
00:44:43,013 --> 00:44:45,098
I said, "I'm gonna send it
to your phone."
999
00:44:45,140 --> 00:44:47,267
I sent it to her phone.
She called me back.
1000
00:44:47,308 --> 00:44:50,687
"How'd they know?"
1001
00:44:50,729 --> 00:44:52,897
"Streets are talking,
Mom."
1002
00:44:55,942 --> 00:44:59,321
She was a wild one, boy.
1003
00:44:59,363 --> 00:45:01,198
Man, my mom was wild
back in the day.
1004
00:45:01,239 --> 00:45:02,950
I knew she was wild.
But it was, you know--
1005
00:45:02,991 --> 00:45:05,493
but, you know, like...
my mom and dad, like,
1006
00:45:05,535 --> 00:45:06,703
they had me in high school.
They were young.
1007
00:45:06,745 --> 00:45:08,372
They were teenagers,
you know?
1008
00:45:08,413 --> 00:45:09,872
Like, they didn't--
Neither of them really
1009
00:45:09,915 --> 00:45:11,709
wanted to be parents,
you know?
1010
00:45:11,750 --> 00:45:13,669
It was like I--It was like
as soon as I came out
1011
00:45:13,710 --> 00:45:16,004
my dad went that way,
my mom went that way.
1012
00:45:16,046 --> 00:45:18,841
I was like, "Hey, one of you
motherfuckers wanna raise me?"
1013
00:45:18,881 --> 00:45:21,843
[laughter]
1014
00:45:28,225 --> 00:45:30,352
It's odd when your parents
ain't shit, you know?
1015
00:45:30,393 --> 00:45:33,062
Like, for different reasons,
you know?
1016
00:45:33,105 --> 00:45:34,814
Neither of 'em was--They just
didn't wanna be parents.
1017
00:45:34,857 --> 00:45:36,734
What are you gonna do,
you know?
1018
00:45:36,774 --> 00:45:38,819
That's why I don't understand
when I see dudes get drafted
1019
00:45:38,861 --> 00:45:41,238
in the NBA or the NFL
and the first thing they do,
1020
00:45:41,279 --> 00:45:44,323
"I'm gonna buy my mom a house."
I go, "For what?
1021
00:45:44,366 --> 00:45:46,033
[laughter]
1022
00:45:46,076 --> 00:45:47,368
That's stupid.
1023
00:45:47,410 --> 00:45:50,372
What the fuck
she ever do for you?"
1024
00:45:50,413 --> 00:45:53,082
Like, "No, Gary,
most moms are cool."
1025
00:45:53,125 --> 00:45:56,712
"I don't believe that shit."
1026
00:45:56,754 --> 00:45:58,922
'Cause I remember growing up.
I would see kids go to school
1027
00:45:58,964 --> 00:46:01,133
and they had lunchboxes
and lunches in it.
1028
00:46:01,174 --> 00:46:03,051
I'm thinking they made it.
I said, "Damn, how you make
1029
00:46:03,093 --> 00:46:06,053
that bologna and cheese sandwich
like that?"
1030
00:46:06,096 --> 00:46:09,390
"My mom did that."
"Motherfucker, for real.
1031
00:46:09,433 --> 00:46:12,018
[laughter]
1032
00:46:12,060 --> 00:46:14,187
You telling me your mom
got up early...
1033
00:46:14,229 --> 00:46:16,230
before you went to school
made you breakfast
1034
00:46:16,272 --> 00:46:18,524
and lunch?
Get the fuck outta here.
1035
00:46:18,567 --> 00:46:20,401
Ain't no mom doing that shit."
1036
00:46:20,444 --> 00:46:21,944
[laughter]
1037
00:46:21,986 --> 00:46:24,363
I never saw my mom
before I went to school.
1038
00:46:24,406 --> 00:46:26,366
Ever.
'Cause when I was--
1039
00:46:26,408 --> 00:46:29,535
Man, when I was seven, though,
seven years old was--
1040
00:46:29,578 --> 00:46:31,705
that's the year you start
to really remember shit.
1041
00:46:31,747 --> 00:46:33,207
You know, everything before
seven's kinda like
1042
00:46:33,247 --> 00:46:36,209
a TV going on and off.
When I was seven, man,
1043
00:46:36,250 --> 00:46:37,752
that's when
I was in second grade
1044
00:46:37,794 --> 00:46:39,754
and that's when my mom
was in the pocket.
1045
00:46:39,797 --> 00:46:42,591
Like she had a nice little
rotation going at that age, man.
1046
00:46:42,633 --> 00:46:45,218
'Cause she was like 23, 24,
you know?
1047
00:46:45,259 --> 00:46:47,971
She was single. No other kids.
Wasn't married yet.
1048
00:46:48,013 --> 00:46:50,473
You know, and then we didn't
move to the trailer yet
1049
00:46:50,515 --> 00:46:52,725
-so me and her had a little--
-[cheers]
1050
00:46:52,767 --> 00:46:54,602
we had a little
one bedroom apartment
1051
00:46:54,645 --> 00:46:57,439
downtown Cincinnati
and my mom slept in the bedroom
1052
00:46:57,480 --> 00:46:58,816
every night,
I slept on the couch.
1053
00:46:58,857 --> 00:47:00,107
So my bedtime
was nine o'clock.
1054
00:47:00,149 --> 00:47:01,442
So every night
when I went to bed
1055
00:47:01,484 --> 00:47:02,694
it was always
just me and my mom,
1056
00:47:02,736 --> 00:47:04,738
but when I woke up...
1057
00:47:04,779 --> 00:47:07,991
a friend had come over
when I was sleeping.
1058
00:47:08,033 --> 00:47:10,326
And that's how I got to school
in second grade
1059
00:47:10,368 --> 00:47:12,703
was my mom's friends
1060
00:47:12,745 --> 00:47:14,832
'cause my mom had to be
at work at 5:00 a.m.,
1061
00:47:14,872 --> 00:47:16,415
I didn't go to school
until 8:00 a.m..
1062
00:47:16,457 --> 00:47:18,334
So I guess I was
part of the deal.
1063
00:47:18,377 --> 00:47:20,754
-[laughter]
-"You can come over,
1064
00:47:20,796 --> 00:47:23,172
but you gotta take
Gary to school the next day."
1065
00:47:23,214 --> 00:47:25,133
So,
when I was in second grade,
1066
00:47:25,174 --> 00:47:27,386
kids at my school
thought I was balling
1067
00:47:27,426 --> 00:47:31,515
'cause I was getting dropped off
in a different car every day.
1068
00:47:31,556 --> 00:47:35,268
Monday I'd be in a Ford F150.
Tuesday I'm in a Honda Accord.
1069
00:47:35,310 --> 00:47:37,980
Wednesday I'm in an Acura.
Kids at my school was like,
1070
00:47:38,020 --> 00:47:41,107
"Dang, Gary,
how many cars you got?"
1071
00:47:41,149 --> 00:47:43,026
"I don't know. I just get in 'em
and come to school.
1072
00:47:43,067 --> 00:47:45,529
I don't know if it's mine
though."
1073
00:47:45,571 --> 00:47:47,864
Life was good, you know?
I didn't know any different.
1074
00:47:47,906 --> 00:47:49,448
I thought it was cool.
It was cool to have guys
1075
00:47:49,491 --> 00:47:51,158
to talk to on the way to school.
You know, and then--
1076
00:47:51,201 --> 00:47:53,287
then leave it to the sixth
graders to fuck my life up
1077
00:47:53,328 --> 00:47:54,788
at recess one day.
1078
00:47:54,830 --> 00:47:56,707
I'm having a good day
on the playground.
1079
00:47:56,747 --> 00:47:58,125
All of a sudden, like,
three, four sixth graders
1080
00:47:58,165 --> 00:48:00,960
just hitting me up,
"Hey, Gary! Gary!
1081
00:48:01,002 --> 00:48:03,504
Hey, you know those guys that
bring you to school, right?"
1082
00:48:03,547 --> 00:48:06,758
"Yeah, they my mom's friends."
1083
00:48:06,799 --> 00:48:10,261
"No, they doing it to her."
1084
00:48:10,303 --> 00:48:13,223
[laughter]
1085
00:48:15,933 --> 00:48:18,604
They do it to your mom
1086
00:48:18,645 --> 00:48:21,189
and then they bring you
to school."
1087
00:48:21,230 --> 00:48:23,066
"No, they don't.
My mom don't do it.
1088
00:48:23,107 --> 00:48:25,067
She's never done it."
1089
00:48:25,109 --> 00:48:28,113
[laughter]
1090
00:48:28,154 --> 00:48:30,908
"They do it to your mom...
1091
00:48:30,948 --> 00:48:34,243
and then they bring you
to school."
1092
00:48:34,285 --> 00:48:35,787
"No, they don't.
My mom don't do it.
1093
00:48:35,828 --> 00:48:37,788
She's never done it.
I asked her!"
1094
00:48:39,498 --> 00:48:41,834
"Your mom don't do it?
1095
00:48:41,877 --> 00:48:44,837
How you think you got here?"
1096
00:48:44,879 --> 00:48:46,924
"Prayers warriors
brought me down, I guess."
1097
00:48:46,964 --> 00:48:49,926
[laughter]
1098
00:48:52,803 --> 00:48:55,681
Then leave it to my best friend
Chris to pull me aside
1099
00:48:55,723 --> 00:48:57,392
when we came in from recess
to tell me the truth
1100
00:48:57,433 --> 00:49:00,437
about my mom.
I knew he wasn't lying.
1101
00:49:00,479 --> 00:49:02,272
Saying, "Gary, come here.
Listen, okay?
1102
00:49:02,314 --> 00:49:03,564
The sixth graders
ain't lying.
1103
00:49:03,607 --> 00:49:06,317
Your mom's doing it
to those guys.
1104
00:49:06,359 --> 00:49:08,236
It--It don't make her
a bad mom, though.
1105
00:49:08,277 --> 00:49:09,821
She makin' sure
you get to school every day.
1106
00:49:09,863 --> 00:49:12,491
That's a good mom.
Some moms don't care
1107
00:49:12,531 --> 00:49:14,158
how they kids get to school,
but your mom makes sure
1108
00:49:14,201 --> 00:49:16,118
you get to school every day.
That's a good mom.
1109
00:49:16,160 --> 00:49:18,872
But don't get it twisted,
she's doing it to those guys."
1110
00:49:18,913 --> 00:49:21,832
[laughter]
1111
00:49:28,214 --> 00:49:30,884
"So she...
be doing it to 'em?
1112
00:49:30,926 --> 00:49:33,178
She told me she never done it.
She be doing it to 'em?"
1113
00:49:33,220 --> 00:49:38,015
"Yeah. It don't make her
a bad mom, though.
1114
00:49:38,058 --> 00:49:40,643
You ever wake up and nobody's
there to take you to school?"
1115
00:49:40,685 --> 00:49:43,270
"Mm-hmm a couple times."
"'Cause they ain't do it...
1116
00:49:43,312 --> 00:49:47,067
so they left."
1117
00:49:47,109 --> 00:49:51,154
I was fucked up at recess
for, like, a week!
1118
00:49:51,196 --> 00:49:53,656
Now I didn't wanna talk
to the guys
1119
00:49:53,698 --> 00:49:55,575
that were takin' me to school
'cause I knew
1120
00:49:55,616 --> 00:49:59,078
they were doing it to my mom.
So we'd be on the way to school.
1121
00:49:59,120 --> 00:50:00,830
I'd be mean muggin' 'em
the whole drive.
1122
00:50:00,872 --> 00:50:03,834
[laughter]
1123
00:50:08,714 --> 00:50:11,758
And then I thought about it
and I was like, "Fuck this shit.
1124
00:50:11,799 --> 00:50:13,259
I'm gonna start
asking for shit."
1125
00:50:13,301 --> 00:50:14,803
You just ain't gonna
do it to my mom
1126
00:50:14,845 --> 00:50:17,346
and I don't get nothin'
out of the deal.
1127
00:50:17,388 --> 00:50:19,015
So we'd be
on the way to school.
1128
00:50:19,056 --> 00:50:20,975
"Hey, can we stop
at McDonald's?
1129
00:50:21,017 --> 00:50:23,562
I'm really hungry.
Can we stop at McDonald's?"
1130
00:50:23,602 --> 00:50:25,062
"I ain't got time, little man.
I'm runnin' late.
1131
00:50:25,105 --> 00:50:27,024
I ain't got time
to stop at McDonald's."
1132
00:50:27,064 --> 00:50:28,357
"Well, you had time
to have my mom suck your dick
1133
00:50:28,399 --> 00:50:30,694
last night, right?"
1134
00:50:30,736 --> 00:50:33,196
"All right,
let's stop real quick."
1135
00:50:33,238 --> 00:50:35,406
"Fuck you, I'm gonna get me
a McGriddle."
1136
00:50:41,078 --> 00:50:44,498
Yeah,
Fridays was the worst
1137
00:50:44,540 --> 00:50:46,877
'cause two guys
would drop me off, so...
1138
00:50:46,917 --> 00:50:49,254
-[woman] Gary!
-[audience awws]
1139
00:50:49,296 --> 00:50:52,256
[laughter]
1140
00:50:54,134 --> 00:50:56,428
[sighs] They never had a problem
stopping at McDonald's, though.
1141
00:50:56,470 --> 00:50:58,055
Them motherfuckers--
[laughs]
1142
00:50:58,096 --> 00:50:59,430
"Can you stop at McDonald's?"
"Fuck, yeah.
1143
00:50:59,473 --> 00:51:01,433
We're starving, too."
1144
00:51:01,475 --> 00:51:04,435
[laughter]
1145
00:51:07,855 --> 00:51:09,399
At least--I will say this
about my mom,
1146
00:51:09,441 --> 00:51:11,192
she always tried to hide it.
1147
00:51:11,234 --> 00:51:12,902
She never tried to, like--
1148
00:51:12,944 --> 00:51:15,238
like tell me what she was doing
with these guys.
1149
00:51:15,279 --> 00:51:17,741
She waited until I went to bed
and she came up with
1150
00:51:17,783 --> 00:51:20,076
with all these reasons
why the guys was coming over.
1151
00:51:20,118 --> 00:51:24,080
You know, I was like, "Dang,
our stove goes out a lot."
1152
00:51:24,122 --> 00:51:27,334
[laughter]
1153
00:51:27,375 --> 00:51:29,377
My dad, though,
oh, my God.
1154
00:51:29,419 --> 00:51:31,797
Like my mom,
like we had a little apartment.
1155
00:51:31,837 --> 00:51:33,631
But it was nice. It was cool.
It was tiny, but it was nice.
1156
00:51:33,672 --> 00:51:35,299
My dad, whenever I'd go over
to his place,
1157
00:51:35,341 --> 00:51:37,928
that was a shit hole.
Man.
1158
00:51:37,968 --> 00:51:40,930
It was one bedroom.
He didn't have any front door.
1159
00:51:40,971 --> 00:51:42,473
He had a screen.
1160
00:51:42,515 --> 00:51:44,767
Had the little hook latch
on it.
1161
00:51:44,810 --> 00:51:46,268
I'd stay all night,
he'd be in the bedroom,
1162
00:51:46,310 --> 00:51:47,562
I'd be on the couch,
he'd be like,
1163
00:51:47,604 --> 00:51:49,647
"Gary, lock the front door!"
Dink.
1164
00:51:49,689 --> 00:51:51,982
[laughter]
1165
00:51:52,024 --> 00:51:55,027
"I don't think that's gonna stop
any crime, Dad."
1166
00:51:57,196 --> 00:52:00,741
Then he would just having girls
come over all times of the day.
1167
00:52:00,783 --> 00:52:03,285
You know, "Your dad here?
Your dad here?"
1168
00:52:03,328 --> 00:52:05,080
And I would hear 'em.
It's weird.
1169
00:52:05,122 --> 00:52:07,040
Like, I heard, you know,
you seven, eight
1170
00:52:07,082 --> 00:52:08,750
you be hearing
these panting noises.
1171
00:52:08,792 --> 00:52:10,127
I don't know
what they was doing in there.
1172
00:52:10,167 --> 00:52:11,627
I didn't know
what they was doing,
1173
00:52:11,669 --> 00:52:13,587
but it was like I knew my dad's
stroke game
1174
00:52:13,629 --> 00:52:15,631
by the panting
'cause it was like,
1175
00:52:15,674 --> 00:52:18,634
[screams]
1176
00:52:18,676 --> 00:52:22,430
[laughter]
1177
00:52:22,471 --> 00:52:23,806
I was like, "Damn."
For some reason
1178
00:52:23,848 --> 00:52:26,142
that fourth stroke,
my dad went deep!"
1179
00:52:26,183 --> 00:52:28,477
[laughter]
1180
00:52:28,520 --> 00:52:30,312
I guess it was a sign
of things to come.
1181
00:52:30,355 --> 00:52:32,189
Four four, baby.
Four four.
1182
00:52:35,651 --> 00:52:37,821
Man, I'm trying to make
some changes in my life.
1183
00:52:37,863 --> 00:52:40,656
One thing you ain't gonna see.
You ain't gonna see me
1184
00:52:40,698 --> 00:52:43,326
on Dr. Phil
or Iyanla Vanzant
1185
00:52:43,368 --> 00:52:45,287
trying to fix my life.
"I'm just trying
1186
00:52:45,328 --> 00:52:48,790
to work on myself."
1187
00:52:48,832 --> 00:52:50,500
I've been doing the other stuff
since the divorce.
1188
00:52:50,542 --> 00:52:54,629
I've been eating.
I eat a lot more pussy.
1189
00:52:54,671 --> 00:52:56,547
[laughter]
1190
00:52:56,589 --> 00:52:58,799
I got--You know,
you gotta take accountability
1191
00:52:58,841 --> 00:53:01,011
for your part in things
1192
00:53:01,051 --> 00:53:03,471
and I just wasn't...
into eating pussy
1193
00:53:03,513 --> 00:53:05,306
the last couple years
of my marriage.
1194
00:53:05,348 --> 00:53:07,933
It's totally my fault.
She did nothing wrong.
1195
00:53:07,975 --> 00:53:10,145
It was all me. I just--
I don't know what happened.
1196
00:53:10,187 --> 00:53:11,980
I just...
You know?
1197
00:53:12,022 --> 00:53:14,024
She'd be like,
"Come on, eat my pussy."
1198
00:53:14,064 --> 00:53:15,859
"[groans]"
1199
00:53:15,901 --> 00:53:17,944
You--You know the marriage
might be over
1200
00:53:17,986 --> 00:53:19,321
when you gotta take
a deep breath.
1201
00:53:19,361 --> 00:53:21,156
"[inhales, exhales sharply]"
1202
00:53:21,198 --> 00:53:23,825
[laughter]
1203
00:53:23,866 --> 00:53:25,035
I was lazy.
1204
00:53:25,076 --> 00:53:27,037
I was a lazy pussy eater,
ladies.
1205
00:53:27,078 --> 00:53:29,872
I gotta take accountability.
I was just...
1206
00:53:29,915 --> 00:53:31,707
wasn't putting no effort.
1207
00:53:31,750 --> 00:53:34,002
Just sticking out my tongue.
1208
00:53:34,044 --> 00:53:36,962
[laughter]
1209
00:53:53,980 --> 00:53:57,192
But now I'm doing better.
1210
00:53:57,234 --> 00:53:59,736
I'm getting my head
into it again.
1211
00:53:59,777 --> 00:54:02,738
[cheers and applause]
1212
00:54:04,114 --> 00:54:05,450
Holding legs up.
1213
00:54:05,491 --> 00:54:07,076
"I didn't know
you was this tall."
1214
00:54:11,455 --> 00:54:14,417
I'm working on some new
pussy eating moves.
1215
00:54:14,459 --> 00:54:17,712
You know,
you be practicing in the mirror.
1216
00:54:17,754 --> 00:54:20,422
So I got a couple
I've been working on.
1217
00:54:20,464 --> 00:54:23,676
I got this one
pussy eating move.
1218
00:54:23,718 --> 00:54:25,928
I call it the Strobe Light.
1219
00:54:28,223 --> 00:54:30,392
Strobe light that pussy!
1220
00:54:30,433 --> 00:54:32,602
[laughter]
1221
00:54:32,643 --> 00:54:34,270
Strobe light that pussy!
1222
00:54:38,774 --> 00:54:40,651
Go get 'em, boy!
1223
00:54:46,908 --> 00:54:49,785
I tell ya--I tell ya
I've already made a decision.
1224
00:54:49,828 --> 00:54:54,248
What I'm not gonna do anymore,
I am no longer eating pussy
1225
00:54:54,290 --> 00:54:57,835
to slow music.
Nope, those days are over.
1226
00:54:57,877 --> 00:55:00,129
'Cause I figure if you
put on slow music
1227
00:55:00,171 --> 00:55:01,797
and you're eating pussy
to music,
1228
00:55:01,839 --> 00:55:02,924
you're probably gonna
eat the pussy slow.
1229
00:55:02,966 --> 00:55:05,009
Why do that?
1230
00:55:05,051 --> 00:55:08,971
Put on some fast shit.
Some fast pussy eating music.
1231
00:55:09,013 --> 00:55:12,392
I'm making a pussy eating
mixtape right now.
1232
00:55:12,433 --> 00:55:14,810
I am making a pussy eating
mix tape
1233
00:55:14,852 --> 00:55:17,230
so when I bring my girl
over at my house--
1234
00:55:17,272 --> 00:55:19,024
Well, I don't have a house
right now,
1235
00:55:19,064 --> 00:55:21,276
but I will again one day.
Fuck you!
1236
00:55:21,317 --> 00:55:23,236
I'm gonna have a house again.
Shut the fuck up.
1237
00:55:23,277 --> 00:55:24,988
I'm gonna get me a house.
1238
00:55:25,029 --> 00:55:27,323
I'm gonna have an amazing
sound system in my house.
1239
00:55:27,364 --> 00:55:30,326
When my girl comes over
I'm gonna put on
1240
00:55:30,368 --> 00:55:33,663
-my pussy eating mix tape...
-[laughter]
1241
00:55:33,705 --> 00:55:36,165
it's gonna be all fast
pussy eating music.
1242
00:55:36,207 --> 00:55:38,667
I'm gonna put on some Heavy D,
[blubbers]
1243
00:55:38,709 --> 00:55:40,252
Pussy eating music!
1244
00:55:40,294 --> 00:55:42,504
[laughter]
1245
00:55:42,547 --> 00:55:44,506
Put on some early-'90s
JJ Fad.
1246
00:55:44,549 --> 00:55:48,093
Supersonic hum anum anum
anum anum anum anum anum anum
1247
00:55:48,136 --> 00:55:50,180
Yeah.
1248
00:55:50,221 --> 00:55:52,348
Anything by Busta Rhymes.
Every day I gotta go
1249
00:55:52,390 --> 00:55:54,017
Wanna eat!
Gotta eat!
1250
00:55:54,058 --> 00:55:55,100
And I gotta know
And I gotta go
1251
00:55:55,142 --> 00:55:56,227
Gimme some more
1252
00:55:56,268 --> 00:55:57,854
[laughter]
1253
00:55:57,895 --> 00:55:59,730
Okay, I can't eat pussy
to Twista, though.
1254
00:55:59,772 --> 00:56:02,232
That's too fast, damn.
I about broke my neck
1255
00:56:02,274 --> 00:56:03,776
one night eating pussy
to that motherfucker.
1256
00:56:03,817 --> 00:56:06,363
"[rolling tongue]
1257
00:56:06,404 --> 00:56:09,073
When the fuck
is the Jamie Foxx part?!
1258
00:56:09,114 --> 00:56:11,785
I need a rest!"
1259
00:56:11,826 --> 00:56:14,745
[cheers and applause]
1260
00:56:16,372 --> 00:56:18,332
Neck's all stiff.
1261
00:56:22,169 --> 00:56:25,006
I'm not putting on slow music
and eating pussy.
1262
00:56:26,216 --> 00:56:28,009
The fuck I'm gonna look like?
1263
00:56:28,051 --> 00:56:30,720
What am I gonna do?
Put on Maxwell?
1264
00:56:30,761 --> 00:56:32,888
Slow-ass Maxwell?
1265
00:56:32,930 --> 00:56:36,308
Just down there,
Uh-huh
1266
00:56:36,350 --> 00:56:40,355
Ooh ooh ooh
1267
00:56:40,397 --> 00:56:43,691
[laughter]
1268
00:56:43,732 --> 00:56:49,238
Uh-huh
Ooh ooh ooh
1269
00:56:49,279 --> 00:56:52,241
[cheers and applause]
1270
00:56:53,868 --> 00:56:57,038
Pray God you can cope
1271
00:56:57,080 --> 00:56:59,748
Girl just sitting there?
"What the fuck
1272
00:56:59,790 --> 00:57:01,834
is with the pause breaks?
1273
00:57:01,875 --> 00:57:04,754
Just eat my pussy,
motherfucker!"
1274
00:57:08,841 --> 00:57:12,553
Now this party's over
1275
00:57:15,515 --> 00:57:18,100
Now she's leavin' all upset.
1276
00:57:18,142 --> 00:57:21,145
I gotta make her feel good
on the way out.
1277
00:57:21,187 --> 00:57:26,401
I know you got a little light
in you, babe
1278
00:57:26,442 --> 00:57:29,111
I know you got a lot of--
1279
00:57:29,154 --> 00:57:31,281
[laughs]
1280
00:57:31,321 --> 00:57:33,700
Now looking back in my house
all by myself.
1281
00:57:33,741 --> 00:57:37,453
Should be crying,
but I just can't...
1282
00:57:37,495 --> 00:57:41,123
Let it go, baby
1283
00:57:41,165 --> 00:57:44,794
[laughter]
1284
00:57:44,835 --> 00:57:47,797
Should be hoping,
but I can't
1285
00:57:49,089 --> 00:57:51,759
Hmm
[chuckles]
1286
00:57:51,801 --> 00:57:54,596
Then I start thinking
about my divorce again.
1287
00:57:54,636 --> 00:57:57,306
[sighs]
Make it go
1288
00:57:57,348 --> 00:57:58,765
[laughter]
1289
00:57:58,808 --> 00:58:03,270
Make it go away
1290
00:58:03,312 --> 00:58:04,730
[applause]
1291
00:58:04,772 --> 00:58:06,732
Then I realize there's other
women out there.
1292
00:58:06,774 --> 00:58:08,776
I can still eat their pussys.
1293
00:58:08,817 --> 00:58:11,946
Give me a...
1294
00:58:11,988 --> 00:58:13,656
I gotta get out.
Thanks for coming to see me.
1295
00:58:13,698 --> 00:58:14,866
I appreciate y'all.
Thank you!
1296
00:58:14,908 --> 00:58:17,826
[cheers and applause]
1297
00:58:52,904 --> 00:58:54,863
I don't know, ask Lisa.
1298
00:58:54,906 --> 00:58:55,864
[laughter]
1299
00:58:55,906 --> 00:58:58,868
[microphone droans]
1300
00:58:58,910 --> 00:59:01,870
[bright tone]
127182
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