All language subtitles for Bridget And Eamon s04e07 The Alien.eng

(suspenseful music)

- V, the American sci-fi TV miniseries,

is probably the best thing
that's ever happened to me,

ever, in my entire life.

- Aren't you forgetting
something, or someone?

- Oh yeah, Alf, Alf is
probably the best thing

that's ever happened to me.

- Oh, it's just so boring for me now.

- Stop talking.

- My sister, Marcella,
who lives in America--

- Shut up.

- She gets this 12 weeks,
12 weeks before we do.

- I am warning you.

- And she's told me exactly what happens,

so it's just boring for me.

- I am warning you,
you're very near it now.

- I won't say a word, my lips are sealed,

my mouth is shut, I won't say a thing,

I'm gonna stop talking right now.

But isn't that jumpsuit lovely?

I mean, it's amazing that they
came all the way from space,

I know that jumpsuit's from fashion.

- Get out, get out!

(she sighs)

- Oh, fine I'll go, I'll make the tea.

I can't watch this bit.

She peels back her skin, she
reveals she's a lizard woman,

and she eats the mice, sugar?

- Get out!

- She'll be killed with the indigestion.

- You f--

(upbeat 80's style synthesizer music)

- Oh my God, did you see V?

I had no idea that the aliens were

secretly lizard people who eat rats.

- I know a woman from Kerry
who was abducted by aliens

and she woke up in a stylish
trouser suit in Drogheda.

- Yeah, that didn't happen.

- Oh, it did.

I was on the phone to her yesterday.

She's sending me a brochure.

She nearly died.

- Why would she be sending you a brochure?

Oh, I don't care.

- Where's Bridget?

- Yes, myself and Eamon are married.

Sure, course I know her,
she wasn't at the wedding.

(she laughs)

- I told you to tell no-one
ever that we were married.

- Oh no, no I haven't.

No I haven't.

Sorry, can you hold on a second, Sinead?

I just need to have a word
with my legally married

husband Eamon here for two seconds.

- You just said it again!
Who are you talking to?

- No-one.

- You're talking to no-one?

- Oh Eamon, you broke me!

I was having a little chat with a woman

from Revenue called Sinead.

- Revenue?

Hang up!

What the fuck did you tell them?

- (she scoffs) Nothing, sure I didn't tell

Revenue anything, I wouldn't.

- What are all these letters?

- Okay, I might have given them

a few teeny tiny bits of information.

- You told them you were married!

You've lost your unmarried
mother's benefit now.

You told them I wasn't legally blind?

- Yeah.

- Well done.

Now I've lost my disability allowance.

And you told them you
could wipe your own hole.

Well, well done, now I've
lost my carer's allowance.

Thirteen pound fifty a week, Bridget,

thirteen pound fifty a week.

Where am I gonna find
thirteen pound fifty a week?

It's not gonna magically
appear at the door.

- She broke me, Eamon.

She asked me could I wipe
my own arse and I said yes.

I said yes.

- We need to be completely
aware about any unusual thing

and we have to be right on it.

(table rattles)

(spooky alien music plays)

- Probably some reasonable
explanation for that.

- Oh, probably.

I find in my line of
work some very reasonable

explanations for some
really bizarre stuff.

(spooky alien music)

(doorbell rings)

- That doorbell rang quite quickly

after what I found to be a
terrifying flash of lights.

- It's probably aliens.

- Do you think so?

- No!

Aliens aren't going to
invade Ireland, Bridget,

we don't even have a Marks and Spencers.

- Mm.

(spooky alien music)

- My name is Veronica
Gashnikov, west of Nocbelognay.

I have seen your ad in
local paper for lodger.

- I didn't put an ad in the paper,

did you put an ad in the paper?

- No, you must've.

- Good looking woman wanted to
share room with rake of kids.

Thirteen pounds fifty per week.

- Did you say thirteen pound fifty a week?

- Yes.

- Well, you're very welcome,
Thirteen Pound Fifty A Week.

Bridget, go get Thirteen
Pound Fifty a Week a sandwich.

- I have pet mice but you
will not judge me for them

as they will dwindle in
numbers as the week goes on.

Show me to my room now.

- Hold on, there's a big flashing light

and now we have this weirdo and her mice

wanting a room in our house?

No way, no way, no way!

- I pay six months in advance.

- Straight up the stairs, it's
the first door on the left.

- My name Veronica is
very hard to pronounce

so you can call me

V.

(spooky alien music)

- Okay, Veronica.

- No, no, you can call me

V.

(spooky alien music)

- Well, I'm well able to
say Veronica, Veronica,

so if you don't mind,
I'll call you Veronica.

- No, no, I do mind.

It is too hard to pronounce
so you can call me

V.

(spooky alien music)

- Okay, Veronica.

Sorry,

V.

- Here is 351 of your punds.

You can count it if you like
but I would not smell it.

(he inhales deeply)

- Thank you very much,

where's she gone?

- She disappeared.

(suspenseful music)

Oh no, there she is, on the stairs.

(spooky alien music)

- Good, good,

good night.

(sinister music)

- Eamon, this is very odd.

It's like the television program V

is happening right in our very house.

- Don't be stupid, Bridget.

In no way is this like what is the

sure to be forgotten cult classic V.

- [Veronica] Mousey mousey.

(sinister music)

- It's a tiny bit like it.

(upbeat 80s style music)

- Where is she?

Is she not home yet?

What if something terrible
has happened to her?

- Give me a biscuit.

- No, no, they're for the visitor.

- What's that on your face?

- Where?

- There there there there.

- Get off get off get off.

Oh Veronica!

I didn't see you there.

Would you like a biscuit?

- I not eat your stale Irish biscuit.

- Me neither.

Oh yuck.

What even is a biscuit?

- Would you like to sit down, V?

You can have my seat.

- Do you want something to eat?

- I will have some cheese.

- Oh, cheese, yes.

We can do cheese.

Easy Single?

- I want it served on
a small piece of wood

with snapping spring and catch trigger.

- The only thing I have like
that would be a mousetrap.

- Bring this, now.

- Yeah, okay.

Okay, okay.

- Hey, isn't it funny the way
they call them Easy Singles

'cause when you open the
plastic, the cheese tears

and you end up with two bits,

so they really should
be called Easy Doubles.

Is that right, Veronica?

- I said call me V.

Do you really think Easy
cheese should be called

Easy Double because your fat
finger cannot open plastic?

- No.

- Tell me, do you want to make love?

- Yes!

- Ha, I find you no attractive in any way!

So idea of this is disgusting to me.

- Okay.

- You try.

- Okay.

(she sniffs)

(ominous music)

(trap snaps)

(Eamon and V laugh)

- Fine.

(Eamon and V laugh)

- V's about to start,
put it on One, Bridget.

- We no watch TV now.

- V, please, there's a woman in it, Diana.

She looks a bit like you, actually.

She is an alien lizard
woman who eats live rodents

and she is very attractive.

It's 95% the reason why I watch the show.

- We no watch TV now.

- Okay, okay.

Eamon, she doesn't want to
watch V, that's not normal.

- No, this is weird.

This is as weird as the
time you caught Frank

shaving my back and we were
wearing all your clothes

'cause we didn't want to
get our clothes dirty.

- Oh, it's even weirder than that.

I know, maybe she thinks
we're talking about

a different sci-fi American TV miniseries.

Just checking, Vero--

sorry, V, you know the show
that myself and Eamon like,

the science fiction television miniseries

about the aliens that come
to Earth seemingly in peace

but then they get to know the town

and they start to take
over and eat live rodents?

- Yes, we no watch.

- Damn!

- This is all your fault.

Thirteen fifty a week, you said.

- No I didn't, you said that.

- I wouldn't mind but the first

six months of it's been spent already.

- What?

Oh wait, I totally
expected you to do that.

Look, what do we know about Veronica?

- One, she's got a fantastic arse.

Jesus.

- Two!

She's a visitor to our town.

She has a weird interest in rodents

and she doesn't like
American sci-fi miniseries.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

- That we should wait
until she leaves the house,

sneak into her room and
try and find some clues

as to what she's exactly doing here?

- That's exactly what I'm thinking.

We should wait 'til she leaves the house,

then sneak into her
room, then look for clues

and find out what she's doing here.

- You weren't though, were you?

- No, I was thinking
about Dallas and Sue Ellen

and how much gin did she drink
to call her son John Ross.

John Ross, come here John Ross.

What's that about?

That looks stupid (she laughs)

- Bridget, you called one
of ours The Middle One.

- That's only on the birth cert, Eamon.

He's called Little
Bollocks around the house.

(upbeat 80s style synthesizer music)

- I go work now.

Later I have something very
important tell you, Bridget.

- Okay, see you later, V.

We'll be here the whole time.

(laughs nervously)

In the kitchen, as always.

See you later, when you come back.

- She's gone already, Bridget.

- Whoa!

(sinister music)

Eamon, this is weird.

- What?

- She's removed all the furniture.

- She's put up a painting of
Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev

and put a knife through his head.

(Bridget gasps)

- Oh no, that's mine.

The neighbors had an anti-communist

coffee morning last week.

(front door closes)

- Shit, she's coming, hide!

- Where?

- We've only ever hidden in one place

in this room, the wardrobe.

- Wardrobe.

- Now for snack before go work.

(guinea pig squeaks)

(sinister music)

I have another one.

(guinea pig squeaks)

Delicious!

(sinister music)

- Did she just eat a live...
- One bite.

No brown sauce or nothing.

(upbeat 80s style synth music)

So V, any news?

No news, that's good.

- You didn't touch your chop
there, are you not hungry

or did you have a big
lunch when you were out

like a cat or, I mean a carvery?

- Bridget, I have something
very important to tell you.

But I see your beard is growing.

You need shave.

I shave you now.

- No, no, no, no it's fine, I leave it

'til your woman in the Post
Office starts calling me Eamon.

- I very good at hot towel shave.

I do it for you to show my
gratitude for your hospitality.

- Oh, we don't do gratitude in Ireland.

No, it's more, we go for
ungratefulness and bearing grudges.

- I do it for you.

Now.

(Bridget tries to speak)

Help me, Eamon.

(sinister music)

(Bridget breathes shallowly)

Oh, I think I hear one of the kids crying,

I'd better go and check!

- No no no no no.

They're all right, they're
out playing on the road.

- Okay now, you won't feel a thing.

(razor scrapes)

You were in my room.

- I was just giving it a bit of a clean.

- But rest of house is
disgusting with dirt.

Like is when you last
clean your net curtains?

- How dare you!

I keep a very clean house.

I was just giving your room
a bit of an extra extra clean

and then Eamon's watch fell off

and it roly-polyed under the door

and we had to go in and
look for it and that's how.

- Is this true?

- Say nothing, Bridget.

- We think you're an alien!

- It's all her fault.

(V laughs)

- (he laughs) Start laughing!

(they all laugh)

- You no laugh now.

You don't know what is joke yet.

(ominous music)

- Are you gonna tell
us what the j-joke is?

- Yes.

I am an alien.

- Did you just say you're an alien?

- Yes.

- I knew it.

I knew it when we saw
you eating the rat yoke.

Exactly.

- An illegal alien.

- Was what I was going
to say, an illegal alien.

Like not an alien from another
planet, like an alien alien.

- I am seeking asylum in
your country by mistake.

I thought I was going to Argentina

but after nine years in the gulag,

you can put up with anything.

- You can't stay here, V.

Like I technically work
for the civil service,

like there's proper
procedure for these things.

Probably.
- She'll be killed if she goes

back to her own country, Eamon.

- No, I don't care.

Three reasons: a, you
won't let us watch V,

two, eating rats, three, something else.

- In gulag, they not give you food.

I survive on whatever meat I can find

and maybe, for shame, get
taste for small live mammals.

- Ah, V.

You could've dipped the little fella

in a bit of brown sauce or something.

Fried him up, even put
him under the grill.

No, no, you have to go.

- You lose thirteen pound fifty a week

and maybe go jail for helping me.

- Okay, she stays.

But Bridget, you can't tell
anyone she's an illegal alien.

- She's already gone, Eamon.

- Oh for...

- Concepta, you'll never guess

who we have living in our house.

(dial tone sounds)

Concepta?

Hello?

Concepta?

Concepta?

(busy tone sounds)

- Bridget, you promised
you wouldn't say anything.

- I didn't tell anybody!

I won't!

I won't tell a soul, sure you know me!

My mouth's like a steel trap.

You know, shut. (she laughs)

I'm not like Noreen,
who told me, by the way,

about Dolores' husband, he had a vasectomy

eight years ago, their youngest is three,

and we've an illegal
alien living in our house.

- You just said it!

- No, I didn't, I was talking about Noreen

who went through Dolores' bins

and we have an illegal
alien living in our house.

- You just said it again!

- Eamon, I can keep a secret.

Sure, I keep loads from you.

I never told you I once had an orgasm.

- I know you did.

I found it and I put it
under the kitchen sink.

Now promise you won't say anything.

- I swear on

- Your children's lives.

- No.

Something I care about like, I know,

my massage wand I use for my sore back.

(knock at door)
- Sorry we called so late

but it's a matter of utmost importance.

- There's a stranger knocking round town

that we don't know about.

- Sure we wouldn't know
anything about that,

would we, Bridget?

- No, we don't know anything.

Mostly.

- Fair enough, we'll be off, so.

Just one more thing.

Who's that standing next to Bridget?

- That's Bridget's sister, Veronica.

- And can you explain
something to us, Eamon?

- Why didn't you marry
the good looking sister?

(they laugh)

(Eamon laughs)

- God, you're dead right there!

I definitely married the wrong one.

Sure Bridget's not a patch on her.

- And how come we never
heard of this sister before?

- She's actually--

- Eight years younger than Bridget.

Tell the funny story, Veronica,

about the time you were growing up.

- I killed a man.

(Eamon laughs maniacally)

- Definitely related to Bridget.

- She's not!

- Allergic to eggs!

In case there was a situation whereby

she was near or in the vicinity of eggs.

- Fair enough.

We'll be off, so.

Have to pretend we've arrested

a load of people for our annual bonus.

- Sure I broke up the world's largest

drink driving cartel!

- And I found the Ark of the Covenant

and arrested a load of Nazis!

- They never read the reports.

- What the f, Bridget?

You nearly spurted it out twice,

I won't be able to keep
you out of my sight now.

- So she sent me the
brochure and all I have to do

is send her 99 pounds a month,

and leave her and her followers my house

and all my belongings in my will.

It's really simple, I just don't know

actually why I'm doing it.

- That sounds like a cult, Dolores.

- Oh, she is a bit of a cult, Father.

I'm surprised you would say
that about anybody though.

- Does anyone want to ask
me about my new lodger,

sister, Veron, V, back there?

And I can pretend to
hear the question wrong

and tell you something amazing

that's been eating me up inside?

- Noreen!

You must have some blindly boring

shite to hawk on about?

- Oh, has anyone heard about these

new double glazed windows?

- I know, we should all play a game,

let's say something we shouldn't say!

(she laughs maniacally)

(choking sounds)

- Eamon, she change color now.

(choking sounds)

- I was having bad thoughts
about Simon Le Bon.

- Okay, I thought you were saying

something about you sister having

a very strong Russian accent?

- I wasn't but if you
push me on the subject--

- I am warning you.

- What's that?

- (in a high-pitched voice) I
am just about to head home now

'cause I've told you all me sins.

- Hold on, no you won't.

- Shite.

- You are going nowhere
until you break down

in fine detail the bad thoughts

you've had about Simon Le Bon.

(they whisper frantically)

- (whispering) I don't
know who Simon Le Bon is!

I'm in a disco in France.

- Mm, go on.

- And I get all wet and I
have to take my shirt off and

- Mm-hmm.

- Simon Le Bon comes over
and takes his shirt off.

- Mm-hmm.

- I can see all his
muscles and I dry myself

with his shirt.

- Oh!

Well, wild boys never lose it.

- And then I've to go home
to do a big woman thing.

- What, th-that's it?

Well, make something up.

Throw John Taylor into the mix.

- Who's John Taylor again?

(upbeat 80's synth music)

Right, I'm going for a piss.
I'll only be gone a minute,

so don't talk to anyone.

- How can I?

This is too tight, I can't feel my legs.

- Good.

- She's an illegal alien,
she's been living in the house

for thirteen pounds fifty a week!

- What are you doing?

- Oh, I'm sorry Guards, I think
I made a terrible mistake.

Oh, I'm sorry, Eamon.

I had to tell someone, I
had to tell someone, Eamon!

- Thirteen pound fifty a week, gone!

My chances of riding a good looking

international woman
with a great arse, gone!

All because you can't
keep your mouth shut.

You can't keep a secret, can you?

And of all the people to tell, the Guards!

(handcuffs click)

- Right, we'll take it from here.

And to think, she disguised
herself as Bridget's sister.

- Ha, you'd think Ireland
being an island nation

with a limited gene pool--

- And a massive decline in
population in rural areas

would welcome some foreigners, but

- [Together] No!

- All right, so Miss--

- Veronica.

- V, V, V (he stutters)

- No, Veronica, it's very easy to say.

(he stutters)

What word was that?

My name is Veronica.

(they both stutter)

- Oh, I can't be bothered
with these fancy names.

We'll just call you V.

- No, my name is Veronica!

Bridget!

I never got say very
important secret to you.

- You didn't!

I guess I'll never know.

See ya now.

- Come on, Veronica.

- Well, that's that then.

At least you didn't call
Revenue and tell them

about the thirteen pound
fifty a week I didn't declare.

Unbelievable.

Where did you even get the time?

- I hadn't spoken to Inland
Revenue in a long time,

I had to tell them my news.

- Admit it, you have a problem.

- Okay, I have a teeny tiny problem

when it comes to keeping secrets

in some circumstances.

- You're on your last warning now.

The next secret that
comes out of your mouth

I swear to God, I'm going to make you

live in the shed for 13 years.

- Okay, deal.

(upbeat 80s synth music)

- We interrupt this broadcast
for an emergency bulletin.

A Soviet woman with an
unpronounceable name

has escaped from Garda custody

this evening and is currently at large.

Owners of pet rodents
should be especially alert.

(ominous music and banging)

(wondrous, inspirational music)

- What is it, what happened?

- Eamon, she

she said that

ha! You almost had me there,
I'm not saying nothing, no!

- Was it V?

What was her secret?

- Mouth sealed shut.

Thrown away the key.

- Bridget, I think I've seen something

that could tell us we're
not alone in the universe,

that could change the course
of mankind for ever, Bridget.

- I'm not saying it, I'm not.

You almost had me, you almost tricked me

and I was going to say,

okay, I will, this is stupid.

No!

Oh, I'm getting really good at this!

- Forget about the deal.

What was her secret?

- I'll tell you.

I'll tell you, okay.

So she said

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