All language subtitles for Bridget And Eamon s04e05 The Vase.eng

(grunts)

- Give it to me!

(growls)

Ahh! You said no biting.

- Yes! We also said no body slams,

or wet willies, or pokies
round the back of your legs,

but that didn't stop you, did it?

- This marriage is a
sham. s-a-h-m, a sham,

I don't know how we ended up together.

- Oh, you know, I know, you know.

- No, I actually don't know anymore,

I don't even know what we're fighting over

for the last 4 to 6 hours continuously.

- Oh, I remember, it all started when

we were watching the telly,
the telly, the telly...

- [TV Presenter] Now, this
is a rare piece of art

that dates back to the 16th century.

There's only one other
like it in the world.

The thought is that the other was sold

to someone in the Midlands,
Ireland, in the late 70s.

I would say, if I wasn't happily
married, a vase like this

would give me the opportunity to escape.

Change my life forever ,Because I estimate

that this vase, or one just
like it is worth between 3 or 4

- Hundred, come on, hundred.

- -million pounds.

- That's my fuckin' vase!

(80s pop music)

I!

- Told!

- You!

- This is.

- My!

(howls)

- Vase.

- What? Vase!

- It's vase.

- It's vase, let's just go with vase.

Give it to me, for the
last time, it's mine!

I deserve it, after spending
the last 20 years with you.

- Everything in this house is
mine, except for those kids.

Now give me this 3 to 4 million pound vase

and let me end this sham of a
marriage n' get away from you.

- Get away from me?

You couldn't stay away from me.

Even years ago, you'd
be always callin' 'round

or looking in the window
of Mammy's window,

see if you could get a glimpse
of me, you're pathetic!

- You leave your sexy dead
mother out of this because-

(doorbell rings)

- Mammy, come in, we're just
finishing up a game of twister.

- Bridget, Eamon, oh, good I
see you still have my vase.

(theme song)

(breathing heavily)

- Okay, there must be some
way we can sort this out,

Bridget's mother.

- There's nothing to sort out, Eamon.

I'm taking my vase back and that's that.

And don't try anything funny.

I still have those photos of
you in compromising positions.

Eulgh, disgusting.

Tell me this, how is
your mother, your boss,

your colleagues, pfft I'd say friends

but you don't have any,
how would they like to see

photos of you sitting alone
in the dark, watching p- p- p-

Prince Charles and Diana's wedding.

- Pervert!

- No, no, no, no I only like the carriages

and the guns and the horses,
I don't like the royal family,

they're stupid, they're so stupid.

- Too late Eamon!

- Hang on a second.

It doesn't matter a shite what you have,

cause you can't take
back what didn't belong

to you in the first place.

The vase is mine.

He gave it to me, I remember.

It was the night that Eamon
begged me to marry him.

I remember like it was yesterday.

It was the 1970s, and
calculators were still

too big to fit in your pocket,

and shoulder pads were yet to be

as big as calculators that
couldn't fit in your pockets.

It was the night of my school debs

and I looked amazing, amazing
, amazing, amazing, amazing

(seventies rock music)

- Bridget, is that what
you're wearing to your debs?

- Yes, Mammy, why?

- I just thought you'd want to disguise

your fat hips and not
draw attention to them.

Your cousin went to Dublin
shopping on Saturday

and by 3 o'clock, she was
selling her body on the canal

for 50p a trick.

And she was good looking
and wearing a nice dress.

I wonder how well you'll do, Bridget.

- 40p?

- (sighs) I don't think I'm
ever going to get rid of you.

Like seriously, what
are the chances of some

simple minded idiot ringing
the doorbell and marrying you.

(doorbell rings)

(door opens)

- Is your Ma in?

- No, Eamon, we can't go
upstairs now and do it

I'll be late for the debs.

- So, is she not in?

- She's yeah, she's uh,
she's doing her makeup

she's going to be ages cause she's old

and she needs loads.

- This is fierce Andy Frank, single.

- I'm Eamon's oldest friend but like,

we're the same age and that, yeah.

- Did Eamon tell you that
he nearly put his hand

on my right boob outside the chipper?

- No.

- Didn't want to make you
jealous, did you Eamon?

- No.

- Come in, come in, come in, come in!

Make yourselves comfortable.

And, I'll get you a very strong drink.

(door slams)

- I think she more likes you.

- What are you talkin' about?

- Here's your drink Eamon.

- I can't drink a pint of whisky, Bridget.

I'm drivin', I'd need a
straw, give it to Frank.

- Frank? Who's Frank?

- Just this sexy devil beside me here.

I know what I'd be
thinking if I was a woman,

I'd be thinkin', wow.

Can't let him slip through me fingers.

- Do you know if it's dangerous

to get coins stuck inside your head?

I'm just asking for a friend, like.

- Anyway, skulled 2 cans
of Cidona on the way over.

Left 'em in the hot press for a fortnight,

it basically is cider.

I'm gonna go rock a piss.

You two guys get to know each other.

- He's so funny.

So Frank, do you think
he really fancies me?

- Oh no, no, unless "Can't
stand that Bridget one

she's stupid, I wish she'd leave me alone"

means something different to you.

- Oh it does, it does, it
means he really fancies me,

and he can't stop thinkin' about me.

Can I ask you a really
personal, serious question?

How much do you think I
would make, per trick,

as a lady of the night, in
Dublin, with a nice dress?

- 25, 30... 30 pence.

- Drink some of that whisky huh.

(gasps) Oh no! I need that
whisky to get Eamon drunk!

Quick! Put it back into the glass!

- How?

- I know. I'll suck it off and
I'll spit it into the glass.

(slurping)

It's not what it looks like.

- Good man, Frank.

- Right well, off you go on your debs.

Don't do anything I would do.

- I'm a little drunk, from
the fumes off Frank's crotch,

are you Eamon?

- No. Oh where are me car keys?

I can't find me car keys.

I can't bring you to the debs now Bridget.

- What?

- Oh, I'm so disappointed.

- Oh, no, no, no, Bridget's mother.

Please don't be disappointed.

Let me comfort you, no
don't be disappointed.

Don't (mumbles), Frank,

shove me that pillow there.

- I know where your car keys are.

- Bridget, where are my keys?

- Eamon, we're all alone,
tell me how you really feel.

- Bridget, I've been using you
to get close to your mother,

so I can make you jealous,
does that make any sense?

- No, (sighs) but what makes sense

in this crazy, crazy world?

- And your dress, it's beautiful.

- Oh thanks, it's a mix
of virginal (laughs)

innocence and animal raunchiness.

It's a highly flammable
cotton and a flouncy lace.

I bought it in Dermot
Drummond Style Corner in-

- Nice.

(both gasp)

- Dermot Drummond Style Corner
- Dermot Drummond Style Corner

- (whispers) Nice.

- Oh, kiss me now Eamon.

- Okay, no tongues.

- Okay.

- Wow.

- We have to get married
now, cause I'm pregnant.

- What?

- 4 months.

- But I, but I know ya 3 months.

- Congratulations.

- He just proposed.

- What?

(glasses clink)

- A toast to Bridget and Eamon,

may they have a long life
together, in their own house,

hopefully in another country.

And may they be blessed
with a baby before too long.

- Like 5 months.

- (gasps) Oh Bridget, I'm so
happy for you, I really am.

I know what I want to give
you as a wedding present,

and why wait?

Because I might not go to the wedding.

So, let me give you my china
vase and as I hand it over,

it is officially yours, forever.

- Ooo!

- Oh Bridget, you know I may
not say this to you very often,

but, deep down, from my heart of hearts,

I will now and always love you.

- Whoa! Whoa. It was 2 cans
of Cidona I had, Bridget,

not a big bag o' heroin,

and I would never say
something like that to you.

- Those cans of Cidona were

in the hot press for a week,
Eamon, your guard was down.

- Yeah, I'll bring the guards down here,

and get them to arrest you for slander.

- And there's no way I gave you
my most precious possession,

that china vase, like think!

Have I ever given you anything, Bridget?

For Christmas, or your birthday,

apart from a feeling of
abandonment and low self-esteem.

- So you just heard how I came
to own this precious vase.

Yeah, and incidentally, no
matter how much he regrets it,

Eamon told me he lo-

- No! No, no, that's not what happened.

I'll tell you what happened.

It was the 1970s, and the frisbee

was still seen as something cool,

not a stupid piece of plastic
that nearly got you killed

when you tried to retrieve it

from the electricity substation.

It was the night of our debs.

- (echoes) Debs, debs, debs,
debs, debs, debs, debs, debs.

(rock music)

- Bridget, is that what
you're wearing to your debs?

- Yes, Mammy, why?

- I just thought you'd want
to disguise your fat hips

and not draw attention to them.

Your cousin went to Dublin
shopping on Saturday

and by 3 o'clock, she was
selling her body on the canal

for 50p a trick. and she was good lookin'

and wearing a nice dress.

I wonder how well you'll do, Bridget.

- 40p?

- (sighs) I don't think I'm
ever going to get rid of you,

like seriously, what are the chances

of some simple minded
idiot ringing the doorbell

and marrying you?

(doorbell rings)

- Eamon, that's exactly
how I said it happened.

It's exactly the same.

- No it's not.

I added the Jebediah Spy into it.

- It is. Everyone? Isn't it
the same? Everyone, isn't it?

- It's completely different,
okay, pay attention.

- Is your Ma in?

- She is!

She's just doing her makeup,
although she doesn't need it,

cause she's gorgeous without
it, the (mumbles) bitch!

- This is Fierce Andy Frank, he's single.

- Hi, I'm Eamon's oldest
friend, he's so cool.

Led Zeppelin wanted him in the
band and he was like no way.

- Hello, Frank , I'm a horrible person.

And I'm way too tough
on my beautiful mother

who's besotted by a
mysterious ginger bloke

she can't stop talkin' about.

- Okay, well my hobbies
include fast walking,

and normal speed walking and

taking drunk girls to the debs.

- (drunkenly mumbles)

(rock music)

- Frank, you're making it way too obvious.

She now knows I'm trying
to set you up with her

and bring her to the debs,
just play it cool, man.

Frank, the wallpaper.

- Shit.
- Shit.

(both laugh)

- Frank, the stairs.

- Shit.
- Shit.

- Hey Frank, the phone.

(both laugh)

- Shit.
- Shit.

Well, it's handy if you
wanna go to hospital or...

- Yeah, it's a good communication device.

- Here's another drink, Eamon.

(glasses clink)

You ready to take me to the debs?

Even though I'm a horrible cook.

- Can't drink that Bridget,

pint of whiskey,

I'm a responsible young man.

See does Frank want it.

- Flanky? Who's Flanky?

- Who's Frank?

Just this sexy beast beside me here.

I know if I was an annoying drunk woman

what I'd be thinkin, I'd be thinkin,

oo he's the best I'm ever gonna do.

- Is it dangerous to
get a cocktail sausage

stuck inside your head?

Just asking for a friend.

- Anyway, you'll be my
step daughter someday,

soon hopefully.

I'm gonna go rock a piss.

- (snorts)

- Oh, hello Bridget's mother.

- Eamon.

- It's a nice day today, isn't it?

- What?

- Oh, what I meant to say is,

I love you Bridget's mother, not Bridget.

I'm courting her so I can
court my way into your heart.

My bounty is as boundless as the sea.

My love is-

- So you're doing Romeo and Juliet

for the leaving service as well?

- Yeah, stupid Eamon, stupid.

- Look, it's as simple as this.

I need someone to take that

annoying simpleton off my hands.

- Yeah, well it won't be me.

- She only has 2 months to live, Eamon.

Did I tell you that?

- Really?

Is that true?

- Uh huh, so, if you marry her,

it'll be over before you know it.

- Yeah, 2 months is way too long.

- (sighs) I'll tell you what.

- If you take her to the debs tonight...

(whispers)

- Yeah, not enough.

- Ahh, you can have this vase.

It means nothing to me but

I am saying to you in a very factual way

that you can have it,

and have 100% ownership
of it in perpetuity.

- Okay, that's a deal.

That's a deal for the vase, yeah?

We're doing a deal for the
vase, you've given me the vase.

That's a deal, everyone's seen that one.

Huh?

That's a deal for the vase, yeah?

- [Bridget] I'll suck it off
and I'll spit in the glass.

(slurps)

- Here, Frank, come here.

What does... (whispers) mean?

- It's where you take the
tire off the rim of a wheel.

That's what it's called.
- Okay, okay, okay.

- Yes!

- She's gonna change me tires as well.

- (clears throat) Eamon,

do you have something to say to Bridget?

- Bridget, I've been using you
to get close to your mother,

so I can make you jealous,
does that make any sense?

- No, (gasps) kiss me now.

- Okay, no tongues.

(sensual music)

- Okay.

- We have to get married now.

- Yeah, I know.

- Quickly.

- Yeah, I know.

- Yes, cause I'm pregnant.

- What?

- Four months.

- What?

- Yeah.

- What?

- (laughs)

- What?

What?

- Is that true, Mammy?

- (scoffs) Look, Bridget.

Yeah.

- This marriage is a sham.

- (scoffs) What?

Are you saying a marriage where
two people hate each other

and marry under false pretenses is a sham?

- I tell you that every single day.

- I never noticed.

- What d'you mean you didn't no

I literally told you three times

about fifteen minutes ago.

- Oh! I thought you said ham.

Thought you said you wanted a bit of ham.

Not sh- oh.

- Well maybe I'd prefer a bit of cheese.

- What? No!

You're asking me to trust you two?

I can't believe anything you say.

You sent me to the Magdalene laundries,

you told me it was-

- Well, in fairness,

you came out able to do a lovely shirt.

- I do a lovely shirt.

- You do a great shirt.

- I do a great shirt.

And you, Eamon.

You told me I was a mermaid

and you threw me off the ferry!

No, there's nobody I can
trust in this town, except!

- You hoo!

- Father Gabriel, my closest confidant,

my nearest, dearest friend,
tell them the truth.

- Oh, sorry, I wasn't listening to you.

I just came to collect my

- Shirts?

- No, my vase!

(theme tune)

(theme tune)

I'll say it again, that vase is mine.

- But that makes no sense whatsoever.

- As the Catholic priest,

I find people are saying
that to me all the time,

but in this instance, it
does, it does make sense.

That vase belongs to me.

- How?

You weren't even there that night.

- I, for one, think an
independent version of this story

will prove once and for all

that I was telling the truth.

- Oh, we'll see.

- Let me tell you what
really, really happened.

It was the 70s,

the growth of live televised sports

led to a craze of streakers where

hairy naked men were tackled to the ground

by lucky policemen.

I had been recently ordained

and had just moved back to the town.

The doorbell on Bridget's
mother's house rang.

(imitates buzzing doorbell)

(rock music)

- Eamon, I think I might be a hippy now

because I've no interest in owning things.

I mean, isn't all
possession theft, really?

- Is your Ma in?

- No, we can't go upstairs and do it now,

we'll be late for the debs.

- This is Fierce Andy Frank, he's single.

- I'm here too!

Hello, I'm Father Gabriel,

but you can call me Father
Gabriel, i'm back in town.

I've spent the last few years running guns

for the rebels in the Angolan civil war,

and recently, I was heavily involved

in freeing hostages at
Entebbe airport in Uganda.

- Hey, didn't Charles
Bronson play you in the

TV movie version of that?

- He did!

Anyway, all of that's very,
very memorable, don't you think?

- Very.

- We won't forget any of that in a hurry.

- Continue.

- Come in! make yourselves
comfortable, come in, come on in.

I'll go make you a-

- [Gabriel] Snazzy

- -drink.

- I don't know, I think
she more likes you.

- What are you talking about?

- Here's your drink Eamon.

- I don't want that, give it to Frank,

or Father Gabriel.

- Yeah, I'm still here,
Father Gabriel, me.

Hello.

Remember?

- I'm gonna go rock a piss.

- Oh, don't give it to me,

I'm very clumsy.

- (gasps) I need that snowball
cocktail to get Eamon drunk!

Quick, put it back in the glass!

- But how?

- I know, I'll suck it off

and I'll spit it into the glass.

- 12 Hail Marys and 20 Our
Fathers for that, Bridget.

- Sorry, Father.

(slurps)

- Bridget.

(angelic music)

- Father Gabriel, it's
so good to see you here.

And at precisely 8:22pm!

- That's the same time I've
got, make a mental note of that,

you never know when you'll need to provide

a clear statement to the
courts or the guards.

- I will.

But first, there's some very
angry looking firemen outside

with AK-47s and rocket
propelled grenade launchers!

(African soldiers outside)

- Oh no, it's the Libyans, they found me.

Everyone, hit the floor!

(gunshots)

- They'll stop at nothing to get back

the nuclear detonators I stole and sold

to pay for the men's only
gym, just outside town.

Men's only, men.

(gunshots)

- I can't die today,

I haven't come up with
my signature hairstyle.

I was thinking, rat-ty flat-ty?

- No, chop-py change-y.

(exhales)

- (sighs) I wasted my
life raising my children.

I was really hoping that
once I finally moved out,

I could enjoy myself for once!

- Find yourself a younger foreign man

and let yourself go.

- I don't really have that
much to live for anyway, so.

- Well, I do!

- I've got 2 cans of Cidona
leftover in the hot press,

they'll go to waste!

- I'm pregnant, and it's, yours.

- I'll marry you.

- Nobody's gonna die today.

- In that case, I mightn't.

- We're all getting out
of here, even you Frank.

- How?

- We'll just use the backdoor.

- Yeah that'll work.

- But first, I'm going to place this vase,

that I brought, on the dresser here.

Look, everyone take a mental
picture of me doing it.

(gunshots)

Right, I'll come back in
10 years to pick it up.

You all saw that.

- I definitely saw that.

- Who will ever forget the night

we were attacked by Libyan terrorists?

And Father Gay who brought his own vase,

put it on Bridget's mother's dresser.

- It's been a pretty memorable evening.

Right, let's go because 4
of those hostages in Entebbe

actually did die.

Right, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

(suspenseful music)

(grenades firing)

- I think that proves everything.

- What?
- Still mine.

- No!

- Give it.

- Oh, sorry to interrupt.

I just called over to collect my vase.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, Frank, not you as well.

- Go on, tell your story.

- Oh, I don't need a story,

I was the one who bought it originally.

Look, I have a receipt.

- No, no...

(grunts)

- Let go, Bridget, let go.

Hold on a second, this isn't real.

This is a rubber vase.

- Oh yeah! I remember,

my husband, he won it in a joke raffle

at the Parish hall one night.

- Oh yeah, and then he,

he let us fend for ourself
for like several years

and he ran off with some
woman, daddy was a riot.

- Actually, I remember handing
it out to him on the night.

- Now to think of it,

I caught him stealing money

from the local charity
collection box one night,

probably just when he
ran away with that woman.

And he bamboozled me, with special stories

about his adventures with his rubber vase.

- I remember those rubber vase stories!

Those were ace!

- Remember the one where
the occult obsessed Nazis

were chasing him and his father

and he had to cross over
that invisible bridge.

- With the rubber vase.

- With the rubber vase!

- Oh, and remember the
one when he moved to

a rural seaside town and
it was terrorized by sharks

and he went on a boat to kill the shark

and the boat, it wasn't big enough

and he said we need to get a boat

that isn't as small as this one,

but they killed the shark
eventually, in the end, you know.

- With the rubber vase.

- Yeah
- Yeah! With the rubber vase!

- This rubber vase is
completely worthless,

except for massive sentimental value,

which is also completely worthless.

- Here, Frank, you can have it.

- Oh, loo, there's something in here.

- Just says Faberge.

This is probably worthless too,

I'll just smash it off the ground.

Oh no, no, no, no, hold on.

Can I have it? I like it.

- Whatever you're into.

- (sighs) Eamon, we're not
going to be millionaires.

- No.

- But, you know what?

I think we learned something today.

- Do you know, I hate saying this Bridget,

but I think you're right.

I think our lives will never
be the same ever again.

(theme tune)

(TV music)

- I think I'll do a side of
sham for the dinner Eamon.

- Did you say "sham"?

- No, I said "ham".

- Right, cause, I was thinking
of a night, about a week ago,

where we had an opportunity

to get away from each other forever,

what was that again?

- Oh, yeah!

I remember, wasn't it-

- No, it's gone.

- No, no, no.

Wasn't it something to do with-

- Faberge egg!

It was your Mam with a Faberge egg.

They're worthless!

They're gonna laugh at him.

You dick, they're gonna laugh at you!

- [TV Presenter] And a
Faberge egg in this condition,

could only expect to fetch half
a million pounds at auction.

(crowd gasps and woos)

So, I'd insure it for twice that.

- That's your fault, that's
your fault, that's your fault.

(classical music)

- Thank you.

- Frank!

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