All language subtitles for Bridget And Eamon s04e04 The Dating Agency.eng

(upbeat electronic music)

(whistling)

- Well?

- Jesus Christ, Frank, were
you born in a stable, were ye?

How 'bout knockin' first?

- I was.

- What?

- I was born in a stable.

- Oh yeah, I don't care,
what has you so late?

You know I like a good old
ball-scratchin' around seven,

it's nearly half past!

- Yeah I was just wondering, like,

will we just go for a
pint instead, will we?

- Frank, you must be callin'
around here for what,

40 years, every night?

Have you no other friends?

- No.

In fairness, neither do you.

- Psh, psh!

I've loads of friends.

- Like who?

- What do you mean, like...

Like...

- Oh, for a second there

I thought you were gonna say Bridget!

(laughing)

- Remember the time
Podge Ban Begley told us

that his wife was his best friend,

and we kicked the shit out of him!

- That was hilarious, I
did three months for that!

(laughing)

Right and we're not going out,

we'll get down to some scratchin'.

Can I use the rubber gloves this time?

- No!

(funky electronic music)

- Eamon, do you think Frank is lonely?

- He's not lonely, he's a weirdo.

- He is your oldest friend.

- Let's get one thing straight.

I'm his friend, he's not mine.

I only hold onto him because he does stuff

around the house I don't want to do.

- That's a horrible thing to say.

- It's the truth.

Turn off the big light there, I'm tired.

- I'll get that for you, Eamon.

- I have a brilliant idea.

But I'll tell you tomorrow.

- I'll be here anyway.

(upbeat music)

- So, the idea is we're gonna

sign Frank up to the dating agency!

- This is your big idea?

- Yeah, so he can meet someone new.

- So he can stop saying we're friends!

Good, good, go on, go on, go on.

- Thanks, mate.

- Never say that word again.

- Okay, okay, Frank, let's fill out

your dating agency profile.

Okay, age?

- 70 upwards.

- Jeez, you're not 70.

- Oh, my age?

Eh 43.

- I'll put down 39.

- He just said 43.

- You lie in these yokes,
everybody knows that.

- What are you looking for in a woman?

- Well, a definite preference
would be her own hips,

and if she'd the bottom row of her teeth,

that'd be a bonus.

- Put down outgoing.

- Okay.

Hobbies?

- I love, and I mean love, falconry.

- You don't own a falcon.

You've never even seen a falcon.

- Yeah, but most of my hobbies,

in fact, all of my
hobbies, I've never done,

I never will do.

That's why they're called hobbies.

- I know, I'll put down,
erm, walking and reading.

Maybe just, maybe just walking.

Okay.

Eh, your biggest turn-ons?

- They have to, and I mean have to

have a good sense of humor.

That's very important to me.

That's paramount, it's paramount.

In fact, if you think about
it, nothin' else matters.

Just a good sense of humor.

And a strong pulse.

- Don't put down pulse.

- No.

And finally,

(laughing)

eh, do you potentially want to marry?

(laughing)

- Marry?

(laughing)

You get married?

(laughing)

- Yes.

I was nearly married twice.

On both occasions, they
died walking down the aisle.

- Jesus, how?

- At that age?

That's like a marathon to them.

It's too far.

- D'you know what Bridget,

I can't believe I'm actually saying this,

but you're right, just lie.

- So Frank, they say your
chances of getting a date

goes way up if you make a video.

- Let's get this over with,
come on, give me that yoke.

- Okay.

- Okay and action!

- [Bridget] Frank just say,
hello, my name is Frank.

- Hello my name is Frank.

- I'd like to meet some lovely ladies

for friendship and to--

- Ride.

- Ride?

- Okay, done, right, I'm outta here,

place smells of cabbage
soup and old people's urine,

Family Ties is on in three minutes anyway.

- Do you think anyone will
like it Bridget, do you?

- Oh Frank, just remember,
no matter how bad things get,

somewhere out there, there is somebody

worse off and more desperate.

- Ah thanks Bridget.

- Don't touch me.

(upbeat music)

It's here, the results
of the dating video.

Wait to see what desperate looking munter

is going to be left listening
to Frank shiteing on

give us a bit of a break.

- Go on, lets have a
look at the poor yoke,

she's probably as bad as you.

- Okay, okay, okay, go.

Move, move, move, move,
move, move, go, go, go.

- Go around.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Oh she's probably in bits
or not the full shilling.

(laughing)

- Hello there ladies, my name's Eamon,

I'll keep this short, you're
probably sitting there

dripping already just looking at me.

- Right.

- Wait, wait, wait, this is
the bit where I talk about you.

I'm married to Bridget who
would make Magnum PI jealous

because her mustache is bigger than his.

(laughing)

No no no, I go on to talk about

your wonky left tit and your gammy leg.

- What are you doing with a dating video?

- I don't have a dating video.

- How's your dating
video working out Eamon?

- Shut up Frank.

- Okay.

- More importantly, what
kind of dating agency

puts me and Frank together.

(upbeat music)

- It wasn't me that paired you up,

it was the computer.

- The computer?

Jesus Christ Father, I've
never seen one before.

What does it do?

- Oh it can do loads, it
can calculate numbers.

- Wow!

- And that's it.

- Wow!

- Well get your computer
to do the selection again.

(keyboard clicking)

(computer whirring)

- Right just have to give it 37 minutes.

(computer whirring)

Here we are.

Frank.

(computer whirring)

Date selected.

Eamon!

It's a match!

- How is that--

- Even possible?

- Me and--

- Frank have

absolutely nothing
- Absolutely nothing

- in common.
- in common.

(sniffling)

- Sure how am I even on that computer?

- Well because you sent in your--

- Cough.

Try set him up with a woman there.

(computer whirring)

- There's only one name.

- Alexis.
- Alexis.

- Oh yeah, she sounds lovely.

- Is she some kind of
murdered or something Father?

- I don't know.

- It's a date.

(upbeat music)

- Now Frank, you want to
make a god first impression

on your date tonight with Alexis.

- Yeah and speaking of
first impressions Frank,

you make terrible ones.

First time I met you,
didn't like you at all.

- Yeah but then you got
to know me over time

and it was like ...

- Anyway, what's the most
important think on a first date.

- I know, don't be yourself,
I haven't been myself

for 20 years and it's
worked out perfectly for me.

Well actually if you think about it--

- Shut up.

You're not some simpleton in blue overalls

that calls himself Fierce Handy Frank,

even though you're not fierce
handy at anything, are you?

- No.

(laughing)

- Yeah but it was you that
gave me that nickname Eamon

like I wanted to be called Frank the Tank.

- See I was doing a
thing there Frank called

managing expectations, right?

The only tank you resemble is
some kind of immersion tank.

- Right now let's try out
your cha up lines on a woman.

We don't have one so
we'll try Bridget, okay.

Now I'll hold up this
picture of Charlie Haughey

against her face so as
not to distract you, go.

- Eh hello, eh how are
your varicose veins?

- Oh awful painful when it rains.

- Stop!

Firstly you don't talk,
secondly, under 70 Frank.

- Under 70.

- Under 70.

- Under 70.

- Go.

- Em Alexis.

- Good, remembering her name,
apparently they love that shit

good, good, good, go, go on, go on.

- So Alexis, how many times are you up

during the night for the wee wee?

- Frank, under 70, under 70.

- Yeah, yeah, sorry, sorry
Eamon, it's just that

I've very little experience
with younger women, you know

or women who've anything to live for.

- Mhm.

- I'll give you a chat up line, right,

that will work on any woman right.

Oh wait till you see
this, this will get her

as randy as a heifer on
the first day of May.

- Go!
- Here we go, here we go.

Okay watch this, watch this, okay.

The Beatles sang I Want To Hold Your Hand

but Alexis, I want to hand your hole.

Do you get it?

Switched it around.

- Oh yeah yeah, oh, does that work?

- Guaranteed.

- Frank why don't you just
ask her about her hobbies?

(laughing)

- Simpleton, women don't have hobbies.

- No no I think I'll go
along with Eamon's advice,

after all he did get you up the aisle.

- Up the pole more like,

I was six months pregnant
he hadn't a choice.

- Oh shite, is that the time?

I don't even have a watch.

So I better go.

Wish me luck.

(upbeat music)

There's plenty of time to say
it you know, you could say it,

just two little words,
you could say, good luck!

Like hey Frank, good luck.

No?

You could be like, good luck!

Just going now.

Not gone yet.

Nearly.

You could still say it.

Still time.

(upbeat music)

- Isn't it great to get the smell of Frank

out of the house for even two minutes?

- Yeah.

- Oh what kind of a munter
is this woman going to be?

- She'd be better off going
to an actual cattle mart.

(laughing)

No he's bringing her to the cattle mart,

there's a little cafe
opened up down there, yeah.

- Lovely.

- Two brothers from Roscommon
have it now yeah, yeah.

(upbeat music)

- Eamon, the Beatles sang
I Want to Hold Your Hand

but you sang I want to--

- Bridget I've installed a panic button

and if you try anything on,
the guards will be in here

within four to five days.

I've pressed it.

- I just--

- I've pressed it, I've pressed it.

- I'm back and it wasn't a disaster,

in fact, it was brilliant!

And I used your line
Eamon, she thought it was

a little bit forward on
a first date you know

but get this, she thinks I'm funny.

- What's wrong with her?

How many limbs has she?

- Five, no four.

- Does she has some
terminal illness and a list

of hazardous things she
wants to do before she dies?

- No and I checked but no, she's perfect.

- Frank, look at me now,
now don't lie to me,

are you on drugs.

- Well if love is a drug.

- It isn't.

- Oh well it doesn't matter cause

we've fallen madly in love
and we're getting married.

- Married?

We thought it would just
be a quick finger bang

around the back of the pub.

- And Eamon, I want you to be my best man.

Who else would I want to
help me on my wedding day

and stand up in front of the whole town

and tell humorous stories
about our friendship?

- One of your six brothers.

- No it has to be you.

- No.

- It has to be you!

- Okay!

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

It's nearly seven o'clock Frank,

here you can use the gloves this time.

(doorbell ringing)

- That'll be her now,
scratch your own balls.

- What do you mean, scratch me own balls?

Frank this has gone too
far, scratch me own balls.

- It'll never last.

She's probably in bits, mark my words.

(upbeat music)

- Who are you?

- Oh I'm Alexis, Frank's now fiancee.

(laughing)

- She's no Mrs. McGonagall
with the two broken hips

and a fist full of Rennies but she'll do.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, sorry Frank,

but you're bottom of the barrel stuff,

Alexis here well, she's the cream,

the luxurious lathery cream.

- Eh okay.

I think what Eamon was
trying to say Alexis

is em, have you some sort
of ongoing brain injury?

Are you one of those religious types

that's really into, you know, women.

- No, I just met Frank
and we fell in love.

- Oh me too!

(laughing)

Well I didn't meet me because
that would be a weird date.

(laughing)

- Okay well this is completely (beep) up.

- This is really (beep) up!

- Like I've seen some really
(beep) up things in my time

but this is completely (beep).

(beep) up!

Like (beep) (beep) (beep) (beep) up!

- It's absolutely (beep).

(laughing)

- She has to go, he won't scratch
me balls when she's around

what kind of a world has there become that

a grown man has to scratch
his balls on his own Bridget?

- Don't look at me, there's only one thing

we can do Eamon, we're going to have to

investigate.

(upbeat music)

Lets look for clues.

- No.

(laughing)

(gasping)

Hide, hide, hide.

- There's nowhere to hide.

- Hide, hide, hide.

- There's nowhere to hide.

(laughing)

- What are you two doing here?

- I know exactly what they're doing here,

actually I don't know.

- We just popped over to see if you two

would like to double date.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Oh for (beep) sake.

(upbeat music)

- Come in, come in, remember
the plan is to break them up

before she marries him
and they're happy forever.

- I never thought I'd see the day

that happiness would walk into this house.

- Welcome to my dinner party.

I've always wanted to say that.

- This is weird.

You two are acting weird.

(laughing)

What?

- No no, for all the years I've know you,

you've never offered me a drink

or anything to eat let alone dinner.

- Great, now that that's all sorted,

why don't you pay close
attention to how myself and Eamon

act after years and years
and years of marriage,

and maybe you'll have a little think about

your own plans about getting
married or something, I dunno.

(sighing)

- Bridget why is it that every
time I go into the bathroom

there are no towels in
there, question mark.

I mean seriously, what's
wrong with you, question mark.

Do you really need to use that many towels

when you have a bath, question mark.

That is one of the many
reasons why I hate you

and I regret ever marrying you.

- Eamon were you just reading that off

of the bottom of the sugar bowl?

- No.

- Cause it sounded like you were.

(laughing)

- You've changed Frank, I don't
like this new confident you.

- Deal with it, mate.

- I hope when I'm as old as you Bridget

that I'll still be as in love

with Frank as you are with Eamon.

- I'm not that old.

- Ah no I mean you're
great for your age like.

- My very young age.

- Well you're closer to
death than she is so.

Thankfully.

- Fuck you Eamon!

- Oh Bridget say that again.

- Say what?

Fuck you Eamon!

- That's just like how my
lovely old granny speaks.

Oh you remind me so much of her Bridget.

Old old Granny Gran, you'd love her,

you two would have so much to talk about

like the famine or other
old things like that.

(groaning)

- How come you keep putting
empty milk back in the fridge?

- Sausage?

- [Alexis] I'd love one.

- Uh I've a good mind to kill her.

- What did you just say?

- That I've a good mind to kill her.

- That's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna kill her.

(ominous music)

(piano music)

- Oh no Frank, something
terrible has happened,

Alexis, she's dead.

- What?

- I was going to the
post office with Eamon

and he was driving too fast and I said,

what are you doing slow down

and he said, no I won't,
and she stepped out,

she's gone Frank, she's gone.

- No, no, no, I need to see her.

(screaming)

- I tried to save her
Frank, honestly I tried.

I really did but she wasn't breathin'.

I tried to do that thing
where you get a Biro

and just jam it into the neck but

she was just all over the place.

Couldn't even find a place to put it in.

Me balls are fairly itchy now Frank.

- She's basically like jam now Frank,

you wouldn't think that a person
hit in a minor car accident

would resemble several
jars of raspberry jam

but they do, she's gone, she's gone Frank.

- It's all Bridget's fault really because

she wanted to go to the post office.

- It's really Eamon's
fault because he made me

write the letter to
RTE that I had to post.

You know giving out about
the people in the tracksuits

selling the porridge in
the ad, you know the one.

- But how is that important now?

- Oh it isn't, oh it isn't but

that's Bridget for you, isn't it?

Bridget, Bridget blame-y pants, huh?

Poor Alexis dead on the
road out there, huh.

And what does Bridget want to do?

Blame someone else but d'you know what,

it's no-ones fault today Frank, huh,

maybe except for Alexis,
poor dead Alexis, huh,

maybe it's her fault or
maybe it's the Flahavans, huh

running around in their
tracksuits, the father screaming

at the little lad cause he can't keep up.

- Better for it to happen now Frank,

you might get your money
back on the reception, huh.

- I can't believe it, is she
really dead Eamon, is she?

- Oh Frank, I can positively 100% say

that your fiancee Alexis is dead.

- Sorry I was just at
the bank transferring

all my money into Frank's bank account.

- Alexis, you're alive.

Bridget and Eamon thought
they killed you with the car!

- Oh jeepers!

That's a bit dark, isn't it?

- But you're alive, so let's nobody

ever speak about this ever again.

- Yeah but Eamon, the
blood, who's blood is this?

- Who's blood is this,
who's blood is this,

who's blood is this Bridget?

- Oh just some random person's,

totally irrelevant, probably English.

- What she said.

- You mean you still killed someone.

- A sheep, it was a sheep.

- [Frank] A sheep?

- Yeah.

- A sheep you thought
looked so like Alexis

it was actually her?

- Oh yeah, yeah.

- That's lucky!

- Not for her, them, she, the sheep.

(laughing)

- Who's blood is this?

(laughing)

- Shut up.

This is ridiculous, what
are we going to do Frank,

and that slut, being, what's the word?

- Happy.

- Happy, we're going to
have to do something,

this is a disaster.

- So I'm actually getting married, huh.

There is nothing that you
two miserable, dried up,

non-riding bastards can do about it.

(laughing)

Oh I am happy.

I said it, oh that felt good huh.

And if you think about it, I've
got you two to thank for it.

So thank you Bridget and thank you Eamon.

Now lets all go inside and
celebrate my happiness.

Fairly sure nothing's gonna go wrong.

- Well that's that then, there's
only one thing for it now.

- Be happy for him.

- No we're going to have
to go nuclear on it.

- Yes, I was hoping you'd say that.

So I brought a jar of
cabbage soup mixed with

old people's urine, don't
ask me where I got it.

- Wasn't going to.

- Okay so you get Frank
to have a sniff of this

and I'll get of the elders
he used to ride revved up

around the back of, actually swap swap,

I'll do the, I'll do the Frank, Frank!

(organ music)

- Have you seen Frank?

Oh, Granny Gran!

- Oh it's so sad, bit
like the famine, bitch!

(screaming)

- Alexis!

Call you later, Alexis!

- Good girl Deirdre.

(rock music)

(crying)

- Alexis!

- Forget it Frank, she's gone, mate.

- Aye, I suppose you're right anyway,

what was I letting doing a beautiful,

caring, funny woman come between us?

I always knew we were friends.

And we will be friends, forever.

- What?

- Here more importantly,
do you want to head up

to the caravan and play
Hungry Hungry Hippos,

or no we can go skimming
stones at the septic tank.

- Dammit Frank, you know
I love throwing stones

at the septic tanks, why
can't I quit you Frank, why?

- Eamon.

- Oh don't, you smell
like cabbage and piss.

Go back further, I still smell it.

I can still smell it.

Actually do you know what,
start getting my stones.

Start getting my stones,
not, no, I want gray ones.

Gray ones, put that back, put
that back where you got it.

Put that back where you found it.

Oh yeah, yeah, good
man, good man, good man,

to the right a bit,
your right, your right,

yeah that's it, that's
it, you're doing well now.

Go left a bit a tiny tad, go left a tad.

No no your left, you,
get, dig in, dig in now,

yeah that's it, that's it,
don't be gentle with it,

yeah, oh don't hang off it!

Don't hang off it!

Don't, don't kiss it better!

- You know it's funny Eamon, I didn't know

you meant the balls of your feet

when you said you balls were itchy.

(laughing)

- Oh you'll be doing those next.

Sure I might as well while I'm down here.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, wash your hands first,

I'm not a weirdo.

(upbeat music)

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