All language subtitles for Bridget And Eamon s03e07 Eamons Last Christmas.eng

(dramatic music)

- Now,

spill it.

- No.

- Not the whiskey!

I meant confess.

Just confess.

- No!

I told you everything I know.

I can't remember!

I don't know!

I told you the story.

(crying) Please don't make me.

Unless you want me to tell you

what happened last Christmas.

- I want to know

how your husband ended
up taking the big sleep

in a six-foot wooden box.

- Well, it was a few
days before Christmas.

(Christmas music)

- Bridget, sorry for your troubles.

So close to Christmas and all.

- Oh, no trouble, really.

Just a few vous le vous

and discounts thrown on plates, you know?

- No Eamon being dead?

- Oh yeah, that too.

Boo-hoo.

- Bridget.

Is that the best the undertaker could do?

And there was nothing they
could do about the smell?

- No.

- It's not easy being a single parent,

but somethings get you through.

I mean, with my Shawn--

- Shut up, Concepta.

How are you managing, Bridget?

- Not too bad.

One less ball to sew for
Christmas, I suppose.

Actually, where are your husbands?

I didn't see them at mass.

- Wait!

Think you might have
skipped over a bit there.

You haven't told me how your husband

ended up in the coffin.

- Oh, that.

Yeah, forgot, sorry.

Just trying to set the scene.

Are you getting the whole picture?

Now, you know a bit
about the other husbands

not showing up at mass.

That's very relevant for
later on in the story.

And then the fairy
lights around the coffin,

that was my idea.

Father Gabriel said he'd never seen

the likes of it before.

Beautiful.

- Yes.

Do you think that showed a
distinct lack of remorse?

(laughing)

- Of course it did!

It's Christmas!

Nobody wants remorse at Christmas.

(disco pop music)

(Christmas music)

Not enough!

No!

Eamon, we're short again this Christmas.

We don't have a turkey,

and unless you want chicken
soup for the dinner,

we're going to have to
send the kids out again

with your old rifle and

see what they can shoot and bring home.

- Yeah, I've stopped
listening to you 14 years ago.

- Now, for the third time,
don't shoot yourself.

Go!

Shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo!

Shoo!

Do you know what?

I didn't see Noreen, Concepta,
or Dolores' husband at mass.

It's like they've gone missing.

- Wish I could go missin'.

Or die.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, it'd be amazing, you know.

The life insurance payout

the window's pension I'd get.

Oh, it'd be great for me and the kids.

More so for me.

You know I we get the shop
opportunity all months

so we could probably have
shopping trips for days.

Get a young lad and he'd
probably play guitar

and be a fireman and he's
walking me in the bath,

or the toilet, I don't mind, and we'd--

- Bridget!

Shut up and put the dinner on.

- Would you listen to me
and my silly little dreams?

- [Eamon On Radio] I mean it.

Shut up and put the dinner on.

Don't have me play this a third time.

- Sure, we all know you're indestructible.

I've been poisoning you for years

and the only thing that's
happened to you is your

testicles have grown out of proportion.

- What?

- I'm pretty sure we discussed this.

Did we not?

- What have you been poisoning me with?

- I can explain.

Or I can put on the dinner.

- The lay plays is pure shite.

No, that's wrong, hold on.

It's a pity your mother is dead.

No, that's not it, hold on.

- For the last time,

my mother's in a bungalow in North Armagh.

- Yeah, put the dinner on.

(dog barking)
(daunting music)

Bridget, wake up.

- I'm awake.

Okay.

Just give me a minute.

I know you said you
didn't want anymore kids,

so I borrowed Moreen Plancy's client.

Now, I'm not sure how it works

but her sister had a client,

but when she gave birth to her last child

outside of Goriel's
Chippard, the baby popped out

with a coin in its hand and went, "Ha!"

That happened.

- Yeah, that definitely didn't happen.

No, I was thinking about

what you were talking about earlier on.

- Oh, when I told you

I wrote "Bullocks" inside your car.

- When did you send me that?

- Do you remember we
were watching Magnum PI

and Magnum, he was leaning in to kiss

the blonde heiress and he was just--

- I've stopped listening to you.

No.

About the money you'd get if I was to die.

- Funny enough and for no
suspicious reason whatsoever,

I've done a bit of research.

So, the widow's pension
of 17 pounds a week

is not means tested, so

I could tell in a young man, handsome lad

and the life insurance
payout of 22,000 pounds

would pay off the mortgage in full.

- God, it seems like

I'd be more valuable to
you dead than I am alive.

- Yes, hypodermically speaking.

- I'm putting on side two,

so don't get any ideas.

Take your hand away from there, Bridget.

I mean it.

Take your hand away from there

or I'll cut it off.

Bridget!

Bridget!

Bridget!

Bridget!

(daunting music)
(heavy breathing)

Hold on, Bridget.

I didn't die at Christmas.

- Yes, you did.

- I wouldn't be sitting
here if I died at Christmas.

- Hang on, who's that?

- That's Eamon.

- I thought that was your solicitor.

I thought Eamon died.

- He did.

- I obviously didn't, Bridget.

- You did.

- Shut up.

Listen, I'll tell the story.

It's all her fault.

- (laughing) You have no idea.

Don't mind him.

- Was your husband in
the coffin or was he not?

- He was.

- But I wasn't dead.

- He was.

(daunting music)

- Jesus, I'm dead.

- You're not dead,

but you better pretend to be dead

because the whole town
are going to be here

in a few minutes.

- I didn't agree 100 percent to this.

You didn't have to close the casket on me.

- I just thought I would
save everybody the pain

of having to look at your stupid face.

- Are you wearing yellow?

And perfume?

- I'm just trying to enjoy my life, Eamon.

And if that means some
slightly younger fellow,

who's into new age stuff like

pleasing their other half
with nothing in return,

then so be it.

- I'm not even pretend dead yet

and you're riding half the town.

And by the way, those men don't exist.

- Oh, they do.

Read about it in Woman's Way.

Look.

"Slightly younger partners who are into

"new age stuff like
pleasing their other partner

"for nothing in return."

Good read.

- So you weren't actually dead.

- No.

- Oh.

- Ha, but now

I realize we're in the Garda station

so at the time, yes, I was dead.

- [Bridget] Definitely.

- Definitely.

Now, I'm definitely not dead.

So at the time I was dead.

- So, dead at the time?

- Definitely dead at the time.

- [Garda] But not now.

- Hello, Bridget.

I'm from It Depends First,
your insurance company.

- Oh, he's dead, Neev.

- I'm afraid it's not that easy.

You see, we've had lots of women

cashing in on life assurance.

I'm here to make sure that he's dead.

- And they did it.

Looks like a clearcut case
of insurance fraud to me.

(daunting music)

- Would you like to stab him

with this here knitting needle?

- No, none of that.

Just the industry
standard Anneka Rice test.

- What?

- Basically, we show the
corpse a photo of Anneka Rice

and if there's a reaction
in the middle of the field,

then they're alive.

- But he's not alive.

But let's say he was alive,

but he's not because my Eamon's dead

but how would he see the
picture with his eyes closed?

- Oh, this photo was taken
with the latest technology

called pixels, and we've also sprayed it

with the very pheromones
of Anneka herself.

There's been men that have
been dead since the 70s

that have reacted to it.

- Oh, we wouldn't get a
reaction from my Eamon.

If you were, I would tell him
to think of Margaret Thatcher

and his mother naked playing tennis,

flapping around the court.

Flappity-flap!

Oh, lovely.

Jiggly, jiggly.

- Is there a bit of movement there?

- No, no.

- There is, yeah.

- No, don't think so.

- There is but it's so small that

it doesn't count.

He is officially dead.

- He was like that when he was alive.

(laughing)

No, he was, yeah.

Okay, everybody, go to the church

or the graveyard outside.

I don't care.

Go, go, go!

- So, let me,

hang on a minute now.

Let me get this straight.

- Don't look at that
picture of Anneka Rice.

- Why not?

- Look.

Do you see?

- See what?

- Bus is leaving at their own station,

now it's heading straight for bury.

- What bus?

- Give me a minute.

I can't get out just yet.

- We don't have a minute!

I have to lower this coffin off its foot

and get it into the ground.

Now get out!

- Bridget, I can't.

The picture of Anneka Rice.

- And what?

- The national anthem's playing.

The full forward's standing at attention.

- (snorting) I don't wanna see that.

- Do you know why?

Because you poisoned me so much!

It's all out of proportion down there now.

The life raft is huge,

and little fella's on it, he's tiny.

He could be barely seen.

- Okay, work with me.

Talk to me.

Okay, so, think for time.

Having relations and--

- Yeah, that's worked.

- Okay.

Eamon.

I think people were happy you were dead.

- They were just bottling it all up

'til all the emotions hit them
all at once later in life,

and they'll all have a nervous breakdown.

- No, they're all pretty happy about it.

- No, they weren't.

- They were.

- They weren't.

- Yeah, they were.

And everybody said how happy

they were about your death,

and they're really looking forward to

the free drink after the funeral.

- What drink?

- The sandwiches, the tea, the free drink.

We have to make it look convincing.

If people don't see me
celebrating your death,

they'll know something is up.

- Okay, one drink per person.

No shorts, no foreign drinks.

- Right, okay.

Look, you just stay here and lie alone.

Don't let anybody see you

and if somebody just calls to you just

do what you always do.

- Nothing?

- Perfect.

(Christmas music)

- Bridget.

Is the free bar still going?

- Yes.

- I don't know what to
say to you, Bridget!

- Was it, is the free bar still going?

- Yes.

Yes, it was.

And is it?

- It is.

You wouldn't get me a Midland's cooler

with a Malibu chaser, would you?

- Sure.

- Thanks, thanks.

- Hello.

I am Eamon's long lost second cousin,

hence the very strong family resemblance.

How many drinks have you had?

Jesus Christ, you don't even drink!

Arrest him.

Wine?

No way!

- What are you doing?

- What am I doing?

I know for a fact that Eamon

wouldn't have bought you any drink

unless he got two in return.

Eamon doesn't even know who you are.

And who are you?

Don't take any more orders!

Put that drink away!

- There's always one!

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

You're gonna blow this whole thing.

No one can see you alive!

- I told them I was me own cousin.

I'm in disguise, Bridget.

I'm wearing a fake mustache.

- But what if it falls off?

- Won't fall off.

Put it on with me own spit.

- Okay.

No, no, no.

It's too risky.

- Too risky?

What about all the whiskey
they're drinking out there?

I didn't realize what I
was getting meself into

when I faked my own death,

which by the way, I didn't
agree to in the first place.

- Oh, shut up.

Will you go home?

Will you just lie low?

- Not until you close this free bar.

How come I never got to go to

a free bar when I was alive, huh?

You'll have RT News down here
doing a news report on this.

- Okay.

Don't do anything to give the game away.

We're this close to getting the money.

- Ooh, happy Christmas, Bridget.

And?

- Eamon.

Shite.

(disco pop music)

- Right, well.

Your story seems to check out.

Look, I'm sorry to have kept to.

I'm sure you're very busy.

- Oh, that's okay, detective.

Isn't that right, Eamon?

- Yeah, anytime.

Or never again

would suit us a lot better
than anytime, to be honest.

- Just one more thing.

Tell me about the safe house.

- [Dolores] Take off the blindfolds.

- Where are we?

- You're in a house

around the corner from your old house.

- And remember you're in the Midland,

so no one can hear you scream.

- [Eamon] Willie.

- Hey, Eamon.

- Reginald.

- Eamon.

- Charlie.

- [Charlie] Ah!

- Any crash?

- [Johnny] No, nothing.

- I remember that, yeah.

- Do you know I don't think I've seen you

since that time you pretended to be dead,

and we went into hiding so our wives

could collect a massive insurance payout.

- Just the tale right there.

Yeah, that's probably
the last time I saw you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, I did, Shawny.

I did bring the dinners.

- Remember I said that the
husbands that went missing

would be relevant later on in the story.

Remember I said that?

I did that, didn't I?

- She did.

Yeah, it turns out that

some of them has also temporarily died

and at a later stage, they all un-died.

- What are the chances?

And not to frighten anybody in the town

that would think they were ghosts.

- They're wives hid them in a
safe house round the corner.

- As you do.

So you know, a nice,
quite Christmas as usual.

Not much on the telly either, really.

- Yeah, very quiet.

Just your husband dying

and turning up at his own wake

because he was only dead temporarily.

Then you locked him up
with a bunch of other

dead, or maybe not dead, husbands.

I'd say yeah, sure,
not a lot on the telly.

I don't know why I'm saying this,

but keep talking.

- He'll get used to it, Bridget.

It only look Brendan about three years.

- Shawny still cries himself to sleep

every night of the week,

but he has a good 40 minutes every day

and it gets him through.

- Willie's in a great place right now.

He thinks he's in...

Willie, where do you think you are now?

- Paris, just before the war.

- [Dolores] See, nothing wrong with him.

- My Eamon will never last.

Our bond is too strong.

- Right, time for goodbyes, ladies.

We don't want to arouse suspicion.

And any way, Vee is
starting in 10 minutes.

- Love Vee.

- [Bridget] Eamon, come on, let's go home.

We can give back the money.

- You will in your hole
give back the money.

It'd be the first time in 20 years

I'm not molest going to bed.

We're having a poker night, piss off.

- And okay.

But if you change your mind--

- I won't.

Bridget--

- [Bridget] Yes?

- Piss off!

- Yes, right.

I know you're just hurting, Eamon.

I know you want to come home to me.

- [Willie] Ignore her now.

She'll go away.

- I'm right here for you, Eamon!

- [Willie] Ignore her now.

Ignore.

- [Bridget] I'm going now!

- [Willie] Ignore.

Don't say anything.

Don't move.

- I'm right out here for you, Eamon.

I'm here for you.

But I'll go.

Okay, I'll go.

Okay, bye.

- She's gone.

Did any of you see the mad?

I'm sure he's tied up.

- Nothing.

Haven't seen anything.

- We'd like to remind viewers

that although it's Christmas,

if you're driving, don't
go mad on the drink.

The official Garda Catcher slogan is,

"If you have the car,

"don't have that fifth or sixth pint.

"If you've lost count, just have two more

"and stop there."

- (laughing) What a load of shite.

Eamon, isn't that a load of...

Eamon.

Eamon.

Eamon.

Eamon.

- Ha!

- Not bad.

Three Queens.

- Straight flush.

What have you got, Eamon?

- What beats that?

- Royal flush.

- That's what I have, a royal flush.

- Well, you shark.

You win again.

That's it.

I'm asking Delores for a
redeck of cards for Christmas.

These ones are far too hard to shuffle.

- What?

Don't do that.

Look!

Look what she did to me.

And I only asked her for real water.

- She was going through a
biting phase at the time.

Leave her alone.

- She was going through a
wanting to ride me phase--

- You take that back now.

- No, I don't take that back.

- She wouldn't touch with a barge pole.

- Funny, because that's
what she called this.

- Come here to me, man!

And bring your hairy bullocks!

- Ah!

- Jesus, you're right, Shawny.

What have we been reduced to?

I'm sorry, Willie.

It's this cell, it's
getting to me, you know?

- I know!

I have to get out of here too.

- You can forget it if you think

I'm going ahead with that plan, Charlie.

- Eamon.

- Why not?

- I'll tell you why.

I'll never forget the first
time I was left alone.

It was Christmas Eve.

I was only about seven.

Parents had gone out
for the night, together.

Lamp and batteries.

Jesus, they loved each other.

That night, they gave me the greatest gift

any man could give himself.

The gift of being left alone.

The gift of being able
to scratch your balls

without someone going,
Stop scratching your balls!

They'll fall off.

Me mother's here.

Or the lavish rush of a daydream,

where one from Baywatch, the
one with the big breasts,

breaks down outside your
house in a Fiat Ritmo.

She's just about to take off her top

and show her huge, ample breasts

and then all of a sudden, I can't believe

you left me home from the hospital

and me home with a newborn child.

Eamon, Eamon, Eamon.

To be left alone is no
meant language for me.

To be left alone, is a
beautiful, warm cocoon,

where I emerge, a
ball-scratching, tea-slurping,

daydreaming butterfly.

So you can beef if you
think I'm leaving here.

- Ah!

- I'm not saying it again, Shawny.

- [Eamon] Bridget, your hair looks stupid.

That's a waste of money.

I wish you'd fall in a ditch.

As my mother said, Bridget,

you're not great looking
and you have a big ass,

but you're handy to have around

is what I would say if I cared about you

even one tiny bit, which I don't.

So shut up.

Your arse is so fat, Bridget,

you need two communions at mass.

- Okay, that's about it.

- Oh, yeah.

Oh, Filomina.

No, Bosco's not watching.

I don't want Bosco to watch.

I don't wanna play that--

- Eamon, wake up.

- No, not into that.

- No, it's Christmas Day.

We're gonna break outta here.

- No, no, no.

- Delores will be here in
a couple of minutes, okay?

She'll come with the fry and the newspaper

and the clean clothes
and the Christmas dinner

and the Christmas presents
and a few tins of beer.

- We need to get outta here!

- No, lads.

No, no, no.

- The plan is,

we're gonna jump her.

You're gonna put this
pillowcase over her head.

Now, Willie.

- I grab her legs, and we'll all

roll her up in the rug.

- Lads, lads, lads, lads!

Do you not remember the beautiful

balls-scratching night we had last night?

Willie!

You scratched your arse
and smelled your fingers.

Did I say anything to you about that?

Did I?

No!

Lads, lads, protect the cocoon, lads.

Protect the cocoon.

- We're trapped in here, Eamon!

We have to try and escape.

What if our wives need us at home?

- Come on!

Charlie what do you think?

- Ah!

- You miss your kids?

(laughing) You miss your kids?

You had me on that, I miss
my kids, escape thing.

Go back to bed.

(knocking)

- [Charlie] She's here.

- Back where I can see you.

You know the drill.

- Thank God you're here.

Shawny and Willie are sick.

They need a doctor.

Hurry, please.

- Jesus.

Just let me put down the
four fries, the pot of tea,

the 12-pack of beer, and the Christmas

double-issue RTE Guide with
Bibi Baskin on the cover.

- Ah, lads, lads.

(daunting music)

- Did you just give him a thumbs up?

- No.

I just, telling him to hold on

just for one more minute.

- Okay.

- You all right, Charlie?

That's it!

That's it!

- Whoa!

- How did you know?

- It was me.

I wrote it in the gravy
on last night's plates.

- Look, I've washed it off now,

but he wrote it with the edge of his fork.

- Yeah, I overheard your plan

when I was on the en suite.

- Eamon, we told you.

We don't have an en suite.

That's a record player.

- I tried listening to
Filomena Bailey's famous hits

and got hit in the face with your shite.

- Oh, get over it.

- And Bridget caved.

Came to us, said she was lonely.

(laughing obnoxiously)

Naturally, we all laughed at her too,

but she reminded us that
it was Christmas and--

- But what is Christmas?

If not a time for being with those who,

maybe you don't love, but gotten used to

over the years?

- Aww.

- Delores.

Things are going to get better.

Being in here, I realized
how much I've missed you.

I don't want you to be alone at Christmas

and if anyone's going to
scratch your athlete's foot,

it's gonna be me, okay?

- No one can roll my pie
cream in the way you do.

No one.

- This is going to be the
making up, Eamon, I know it.

The few days apart will
do us a world of good.

It's over.

Let's go home.

- No.

- What?

Get your fat arse out
that door to those kids

who can't be alone at Christmas!

- I was happy dead

and you had to go lonely on me.

I want to stay dead.

- Well, you can't!

Who's gonna pay the rent on this safehouse

with no insurance money?

Unless,

I pretend to be dead

and I lock myself in this room with you

forever and ever?

- Well, Happy fucking
Christmas to you too.

- That's the spirit.

Just don't use the en suite.

- I'm not writing any of this up.

Go.

Just please, go.

And no more fake deaths.

- Detective,

I guarantee the next time I kill him,

it'll be for real.

- I wish you would.

- And just one more question.

The en suite,

I thought there wasn't any
en suite in the safehouse.

- No, there's not.

Have you tried taking a shite

at a 33 revolutions per minute?
It's very tricky and messy.

- You don't turn it on when you're going.

- Oh.

Thanks, Eamon.

Thanks for telling me now.

- Listen, could you not arrest her

under section seven for
wrecking people's heads?

Could you do that?

- Where's he going?

We had chemistry.

I felt my mood pulsating
when he was talking to me.

I think that's why he
kept us here so long.

I think he fancied me.

Don't be getting jealous, Eamon.

I'll stay, you go.

Go, go, go.

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