All language subtitles for Bridget And Eamon s03e04 The Video Shop.eng

- [Woman On TV] On post
today issued two new stamps,

22 pence and 26 pence, to mark 1985,

International Youth Year.
The stamps were launched-

(1980's style music)

- Eamon, why don't we go
upstairs for some mouth to...

Anything.

- I am watching my weekly documentary

about large-breasted Californian women,

Seven Dolts In The Water,

and I might be mildly
fantasizing about it later on.

- You don't need to
fantasize, Eamon! Look!

You've got the real thing.

- That's the problem, Bridget!
I don't want the real thing!

The real thing is a head
wrecker! What's that?

- My life-saving yolk.

- Yeah. You can always
trust an Irish woman

to ruin any fantasy
with a hot water bottle,

or an electric blanket,

or some boring story about her mother.

- Okay, fine!

Okay then.

(1980's style music)

(door creaks)

(suspenseful music)

What is that? That doesn't
look like a new kidney.

You were supposed to get me my new kidney!

- There was no kidneys
in the petrol stamp book,

we only had enough tokens
for this VHS video recorder.

Why don't you get a kidney
off of one of your ones?

- Ugh! No! I want one
of those healthy organs

from one of those American kids.

And anyway, there are kidneys
in the petrol stamp book.

Look!

(pages flip)

See? Kidney! 35,000 points.

Right next to the SodaStream.

You weren't supposed to go
get a fricking video recorder!

- Ah yeah, shut up! I don't
want half the town around here!

- The deal was you would
get me my new kidney,

and then we would have 5,000 points left

to get the sesser new teeth!

- Bridget, who wants new teeth

when we can look at new
teeth on the video recorder?

Big, bouncy yet firm, pairs of teeth.

Oh, I imagine it now. You
head off to your mother's

for the week, bring all the kids with you,

Arya and Laxent, I don't care.

I'm sitting here on me own.
Pausing at all the dirty bits.

Now, if you don't mind, I'd
like this moment to myself.

- You promised, Eamon.

(glass breaks)

(gasping)

- There it is! There's the video recorder!

- Bridget, put it on.

(excited gasping)

- [Woman] Great!

Oh. Wow!

- Oh. I've seen this one.

- How could you have seen it?

We've never had a video recorder before.

- Yeah. It's dark, and it's snowing,

and your man shoots your other man

because he's done us all
along. It's called, um, E.T.!

- You've never seen E.T.
How is that for sheep dip?

- (gasps) That was very
good. Oh, that was very good.

What's this one about?

- Do you know what this one's about?

Shut up and let us watch
it! That's what it's about.

- You know, Eamon, you need
to stick the tape in him.

- What do you mean a tape?

- You need a VHS cassette
tape of a film, right,

to put into the recorder,
to watch that film.

Otherwise the video recorder is useless!

- Where are we going to get
a pre-recorded VHS tape?

- Eamon, look!

So, it's been nine months, but it's here!

- It only took me 7,500 petrol stamps

to get a film called "Top Gun."

(gasping)

(rock music)

Wow!

(sounds from Top Gun)

- [Top Gun] Attack! Attack!

(sounds from Top Gun)

You can be my wing man anytime.

(cheering)

- [Woman] Oh, that was mighty!

- Could I pay you money
and take the video home

with me for a short period of time?

- But you don't have a video recorder.

- I'll rent the whole lot off you.

We did a collection for
scabies last month, I'm flush.

- When he's finished with it,
can I rent it off you too?

- Oh, and I'm after her!

- And me too! What is it? Is it drugs?

- [Bridget] Eamon, are you
thinking what I'm thinking?

- That we could make a fortune

by renting out the video
and the video recorder?

Start some kind of video rental business?

- Oh my God, yes! That's
exactly what I was thinking!

That we can make a small
fortune renting out video

and the video recorder to people

and possibly start some
video rental business!

- You weren't, were you?

- No, I wasn't. I was thinking,

why doesn't Martina
Navatalov have a boyfriend?

She is a catch, Eamon! She is a catch!

I'd go out with her myself.

(rock music)

- Bridget, wake up!

- Sorry. Oh, sorry!

I was having a little snooze for myself.

- Typical, you've fallen
asleep on the job.

What if you oversaw the
airspace in a F-14A Tomcat?

You'd spark a diplomatic incident!

- I'd see those MIG-28s a mile
away, Lieutenant Tiny Penis.

- This is you after pole-vaulting
over the line there.

- You've said far worse
things to me, Eamon.

Like the time you told me
to go sit in the carpark

because I was putting you off
your food on our wedding day!

- Yeah, but I said those things to you.

And you say them to me.

They could be really, really hurtful.

- Oh come on, Eamon. It's hardly no

AIM 54 Pheonix radar-guided
missile, now is it?

It's more like a teeny-tiny little bullet.

- You said it was adequate.

- When a woman says, "Adequate,"
what she means is tiny.

"Decent," means small,
"big" means average,

and "huge" means taking
a few days off work.

Are you crying?

- No. No.

I was just thinking about Goose,

and the time he was ejected from the seat

and he died because you
said he had tiny penis.

- Right. We need to figure out

which section the video's going to go in.

I think it should be in Romance.

- No, it should be in Action/Adventure.

- No! It's actually a Thriller.

- If anything, it's a New Release.

- No! It's a New-ish Release

That You Heard Good Things
About But Haven't Seen Yet!

- No, it's not. It's Noir.

- No, it's not!

- Yes, it is! It has
definite elements of Noir!

- Give it to me!

- Oh my God, everybody's
here! Somebody must be dead!

- Thank you everybody, for coming.

Especially my guest of honor...

I can't believe I'm going to say this.

Johnny Logan!

(gasping)

Second cousin.

(disappointed sigh)

Don't sing!

So, without further ado-

- Is nobody dead?

- No!

- We're opening a video store.

(cheers)

Wait, this is how it works.

New releases are a pound a night.

Videos that aren't new releases
are also a pound a night.

Right? You have to be a
member to rent out the videos.

However, membership is free,

except for a monthly
administration fee of 50 pence

that's paid 12 months
in advance. So that's...

- £12.50!

- £12.50. Any questions?

Yes, you, Johnny Logan's second cousin.

- That sounds very reasonable.

What happens if you don't rewind the tape?

- Don't sing. Thank you for
that unprepared question,

Johnny Logan's second cousin.

If you don't rewind the
tape, it's a 50 pence fine.

If you don't bring back
the tape before 8 P.M.,

that's a 50 pence fine.

And if you even think about
not rewinding the tape,

that's a 50 pence fine.
Right, any more questions?

Yes, you, Johnny Logan's second cousin.

- Eamon, that's very fair.

This video shop is surely the future of...

(mumbling with Eamon)

home entertainment!

And as my second cousin,
Johnny Logan, would sing...

- Don't sing! I declare the
video rental library open!

(cheers)

(wooing in awe)

- You know, I actually hate you, Bridget.

This is absolutely amazing!

- Eamon, any recommendations
for new releases

or videos to rent?

- Um. Top Gun!

- Great! I'll take it
for one night, please.

- Get the money off him.

And the administration fee.

Here, take one of those
certs, fill it out at home.

Want to see a long birth
cert. The long birth cert!

- Can I help you with anything?

- We can't decide! Can we
have another browse, please?

- Browsing costs 50 pence.

- Dolores, look. They have a
drama and a romance section.

- [Bridget] Don't sing!

- But, Bridget! I'm your best friend.

I mean, you've known me all your life.

I'm God-Mother to four of your children.

I gave you a kidney five years ago.

- It wasn't the right blood type anyway,

I had to throw it in the bin. Look!

If you don't have your membership card,

you don't get a video, Concepta.

- Okay. Thanks, Bridget.

- Where were you?

- I was out, pretending to go really fast

on a silver motorbike.

Just after pretend sex
with a pretend woman.

And a pretend shower,
with really hot water.

Didn't have to turn it on and
wait for hours to heat up,

just pressed a pretend button

and loads of hot water came
out. Just contemplating life.

- You're three hours late for your shift!

- Shut up, Ice Man!

- I am not Ice Man! I am
Maverick, you are Ice Man.

- You're not Maverick.

- Oh! I am!

- I'm Maverick, you're not my
wing man. I am your wing...

Wait no, you're my wing man.

- You're my wing man.

- No, I'm your wing man.

- What? You don't even
know what a wing man is!

- You kill Goose!

- Bridget, Eamon, I'd like
to rent a video off you.

- Top Gun.

- I've seen that. I've
seen it 285 times, Eamon.

Do you know the good bit, where
they step out of the shower?

It's all war, I can't see anything.

- We've, um, Gun Top.

- Gun Top sounds class. What's that about?

- It's about a young
navy aviation officer who

is on board the aircraft carrier
U.S.S. Enterprise himself,

and his radar interceptor officer, RIO,

Nick 'Goose' Bradshaw, has to go down

to train in the navy's fighter
weapon school in Miramar.

Miramar, of course, is
just outside San Diego.

- That sounds brilliant. That's
the one. I want that one.

- Well, you can't because Father Gabriel

hasn't brought it back yet.

(panting)

- Jesus, Father, you're three minutes

and 46 seconds late with it.

But I'd be a right bastard now

to do you for that, wouldn't I?

- Oh, Father Gabe. You forgot
to rewind the tape. Again.

- Look after the shelf, Frank.

(whimpering)

(dog barking)

For the last time, Mrs. McClowsky,

we don't have any blue movies.

- Aemon, where are they all gone?

Have you forgotten to put
your trousers on again?

- We've been open for the last 15 minutes,

nobody's renting Top Gun,
they've seen it a hundred times.

All they want is blue movies
from under the counter.

- What's that?

- It's the thing the till's on.

- I know what a counter is, Eamon.

What's a blue movie? A blue movie?

- I don't know! Noren
wants the Blue Lagoon,

Dolores wants Honey I Blew Everybody,

and Garretta Paul's looking for Robo-Cock.

- We don't have any of those!

- Calm down!

- I am bloody calm.

- I'll tell you one thing for it.

We're going to have to make a blue movie.

- Scheisse!

- No, it's a good thing.

- Oh!

(1980's style music)

Me? And you? Make a blue movie?

We don't even know what a blue movie is!

- Do you know, you wouldn't
think by looking at him,

single, in his 40's, lives alone,

spends an awful amount of
time without any women,

but maybe, just maybe, perhaps
handy Frank knows what it is.

You don't know what I'm
talking about, do you?

- No, say it again.

- We're going to Frank's house.

- Okay.

(electronic retro music)

- Bridget and Eamon. What brings you two?

- We want to talk blue movies.

- So these are mine here, look.

- Oh my God! You've loads.

You could start up your own video shop.

- Shut up, don't be giving him ideas.

Actually, why don't you?

- It wouldn't be fair on
the old dears, you know?

And if I'm being completely honest,

a couple animals as well.

- What are you talking about?
What's he talking about?

- Anyways, so here's a few I made.

Look, I made this one with Ms. McGuire.

It's Beverly Hills Cock.

- Cop.

- Or guard.

- Yeah, okay. And here's another one.

Made this with Ms. Blenohassit,
it's a good one, it's great.

Indiana Jones And At
Last I'm Getting Laid.

And this last one here is,
I made this with Mrs. Kelly,

and it's just titled BIG-ISH.

There's no point messing around
with the title, you know,

when it's staring you in
the face. Or, her face.

- Well, apart from
getting all of the titles

of those movies wrong, what
exactly is a blue movie?

- Well, essentially, a blue movie

is where you take an existing film,

like I do, or a very simple scenario, and-

- Got it! And you cover
it in blue cardboard,

and then you've got a blue movie.

- Jesus Christ, Frank, why
didn't you tell us that

at the very start instead
of all that rigamarole?

(electronic music)

- Come in!

(knocking)

- I'm here to fix the
blockage in your pipes.

- Yes, I did go at it myself,

but I could never reach
a satisfying conclusion

to the issue of my blocked pipes.

- Well, don't worry, I'm here now.

I'll fix it in a jiffy. Just let out...

Just let me whip out my
massive tool. It's in my box.

- It's not in my box. My toolbox, that is.

That was the only box I was
referring to right there.

- Yeah, I know. Yeah,
but I'm holding the box.

Let me start my handy work.

- [Bridget] But, what?

- Well, you're not supposed...

Maybe say something about
me gripping my massive tool.

- Yes! Yes! Um, I do
hope you have a good grip

on your massive tool so you
don't drop it on my lino,

which is new by the way,
Noren if you're watching.

- Well I'm finished here,
is there anything else

you'd like me to have a go
at with my massive tool?

- Oh. What would you do?

- I fixed this washing machine.

- Oh, yeah.

- And I fixed the solder strength.

- Oh, yeah.

- I'll take them bins out.

- Oh, dirty, dirty. Oh, Eamon!

- Cut!

- What do you mean "Cut"?
You got it, come on, move on.

- It was perfect, we
just need to do one more.

Bridget, remember, that's not Eamon.

He's Remmington, a local widower.

His wife died in tragic
circumstances on their honeymoon,

and heartbroken, he left
his high-power executive job

in Nace, and moved home
to become a plumber.

- I'm sorry Father, it's just Eamon

has never fixed anything
in the house before.

So when he started saying those things,

I got a little bit excited.

- Bridget, we're losing the light!

Dolores has to go do her
messages in five minutes,

and the light is hers.

So we need to get it in the next take!

Eamon, I'm getting tragedy.
I'm getting heartbreak.

But I'm not getting desire.

- Don't know what you're talking about.

- Perfect, let's go again.

- I need some time for Bridget's makeup.

- [Father Gabriel] How much time?

- Two or three hours. The way she is,

it's not believable anyone would like her.

- I'm right here. I can hear you!

- Frank, we can fix it later.
Frank, can we fix it later?

- No, I'll just not point
the camera at her face.

- I can still hear you.

- Okay, lock it up. Camera ready?

- Yeah.

- Sound ready?

- Okay, let's pick it up from,
"Even take out the bins."

And, action!

- I can even take out the bins.

- Thanks, Remmington.
I'm just a lonely girl.

All alone. Left on the shelf.

Ever since the horrific fire in school,

during the Leaven Search,

and I was the only one to survive.

Even still, no one invited me to the Debs.

The scars on my face
may have mostly healed,

but not on my heart.

- Gubnait moves closer to Remmington.

Remmington reaches out
his hand towards hers.

And Remmington holds her hand.

- I'm not holding her hand.

- Okay. Okay. Keep rolling.

We'll jump to the end of the scene.

Remmington has unblocked Gubnait's pipes,

he stands beside her all sweaty,

his musk fills her nostrils.

Oh, she adores his aroma.
She longs to be near him.

- I need the toilet
upstairs unblocked too.

- The music swells, both
their hearts speak together.

He stares into her eyes, and...

- And then you ride each other.

- What?

- What? What Frank?

- Yeah, and then they ride each other.

- What? We're making a blue movie, Frank.

We're not making a porno.

- Yeah, okay, I'll fill
those bits in later.

Or, just forget I said that there.

- Okay.

- Hollywood would never come

to this almost forgotten
Irish Midlands town,

but maybe, just maybe,

they can bring a bit of Hollywood here.

- Hello, I am Bridget. And
tonight is the gala premiere

of our first movie in our front room.

- Eamon, only three weeks ago
you saw your first ever video,

and now you've made your own movie.

- You're a fine bit of stuff.

- Frank, you were working
behind the scenes.

- Morning. Walking behind us on air, huh?

- Bridget, you've certainly
pushed the boat out.

Love the red carpet.

- Oh! Thank you. Only six hours

with a red marker from
one of the kids. Yes.

And even though I have a sight
headache, like I'm dying,

and I'm still a tad high,
it was totally worth it.

Did you get a sandwich?

- Roshinef Yachna, RTE News.

- Did you get a sandwich?

Oh, it's great to see
so many familiar faces

here tonight, isn't it?

- Is it, really?

- It is. Sister Agnacia,
Sister Carmen, Sister Anne,

who I've not seen in 25
years, did you get a sandwich?

Did you get a sandwich?
Did you get a sandwich?

You did, great. And,
our lovely bank manager,

Mister Fitzgerald, who's here
with our car loan application.

Did you get a sandwich?
You did, great. Great.

And all our friends and neighbors,

who will see from watching this movie,

I'm a different person from that total

and utter slut I was years ago.
Did you all get a sandwich?

- Can you shut about the sandwiches?

They all have a sandwich.

- Bridget, Eamon, we've just had word

from the news room that
on t-shock Charlie Haughey

was watching the live report,

and was so impressed by your wholesome

family friendly film production,

that he wants to bring you onto his yacht

to talk about investing
in further productions.

What do you have to say about that?

- Oh my God!

- Charlie Haughey?

- Charlie! Charlie!

- Charlie? Are you serious?

- Hi, Charlie! My name is Bridget!

- Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Charlie, Charlie I love you.

- Oh, it's very hot in
here, isn't it? Oh, so hot.

- And, Charlie, my brother has land,

and the county's stopped
us from putting up houses.

- Dinner dance! Oh, I love
an algy on outside hills,

oh the British went
over, oh look at me go!

- Now, you're the man!
You're the man! Tardy!

Sell yourself to him.
Sell yourself to him.

- Where can we go? I could
look great on boat with you.

I would, I would. Anything you need.

- You can have her, you
can have whatever you want!

- Yes!

- You're some man! You're
some man, I tell you.

- Yes, with beautiful hair!
I love the way it looks.

- I love the way you
told Thatcher to eff off.

- So good, so masculine. Masculine.

(clapping)

Eamon. Eamon. Eamon.

- What?

- Do you know what? I really
feel that we've done something

just really, really good.

- Do you know, I'm a bit
embarrassed saying this but,

I'm so proud of what I did.

(smooth rock music)

- I'm here to fix the
blockage in your pipes.

- Yes, I did go at it myself,

but I could never reach
a satisfying conclusion

to the issue of my blocked pipes.

- [Frank's Voice] Why don't
we forget all this plumbing,

and go back to my caravan
and ride each other?

- [Frank Mimicking Bridget]
That sounds lovely.

I'm Bridget. Same that's in here.

- Right Mrs. McClows-

Bridget! Take your clothes
off. We can start riding,

and if you need a hand with the buttons

because of your arthritis,
just let me know.

- Okay. I'm Bridget. That sounds lovely.

(smooth rock music)

(grunting)

- Turn it off. Turn it off. Turn it off.

Turn it off. Turn it off!

- Jesus Christ, Eamon. Make it stop!

- I am never using that
rolling pin ever again.

- Bridget, I would've shaved
my back if I were you.

- Jesus he's holding her like two shovels.

(angry grunts)

- Okay, so, the people in the
video were wearing exactly

the same things as myself and Eamon,

and they sound exactly
like myself and Eamon,

but, but, but...

- I would never do those things to her.

- Yes!

- Not even if there was a power coach,

I was drunk, and she'd had plastic surgery

to make herself look like Theresa Lowe.

- Okay, so you can all go home,

and rest assured that it
was not Bridget and Eamon.

And when you're at home,

remind yourself that it
was not Bridget and Eamon.

No. It doesn't matter anyway. It's gone.

And you'll never see it
ever, ever, ever, EVER again.

And, Eamon, you wanted to say something?

I was looking, that you wanted
to say something brilliant.

- Did you all get a sandwich?

- Did you get a sandwich?

- Go get the sandwiches.

- Yeah, I'll get more sandwiches.

- Go get the sandwiches.

(paper ripping)

- Eamon, who was the
man in the blue overalls

doing the unspeakable
things to Mrs. McClowsky?

- Frank! I'll ask Frank,

he knows people in the movie business.

It's over now anyway. And
no one will ever see it,

ever, ever see that blue movie ever again.

- And even though we
didn't get my new kidney,

the new Carillon, or our old car back,

at least they were good enough
to give us povolts here,

I like him.

- And there has to be a better explanation

as to why you're on a horse.

- No there isn't. There actually isn't.

But could you imagine how much our lives

would be destroyed if
that sex tape got out.

Which can't happen now because
the only copy is smashed up.

- What the? God damn you Frank!

It was Frank! You finally did it.

You maniac! God damn you Frank!

God damn you to hell! No!

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