All language subtitles for Bridget And Eamon s03e01 Where Theres a Will.eng

(rock music)

(grunts)
(thuds)

- Wait, wait, wait my glasses.

- You don't wear glasses.

He doesn't wear glasses.

- Give me yours.

- No.

(grunting)

- Wait, wait, wait, I'm wearing a watch.

Everyone knows you can't hit anyone

when they're wearing a watch.

- He's not wearing a watch.

I thought you said you beat
up three people all at once.

- Yeah, those were women, Bridget.

It was at a Philomena
Begley concert in Mullingar.

Ask Frank!

Frank was there!

Aw, hold on.

(grunting)

- Are you not going to hit him?

- Brains over brawn, Bridget.

Oh looky, look, it's Airwolf

It's air-- (head thuds)

(upbeat synth music)

How did I end up in my own backyard,

fighting some young lad from Turkey

and missing my favorite telly?

- Do you not remember?

- If I could remember, do
you think I'd be asking you?

- Well, it all started
when the phone rang.

- And now, we'd like to
report a very serious crime,

where a car was broken into in Dublin

and all the shopping was
stolen out of the boot.

- Stupid Dubs, when will they ever learn

that buying things is
just a waste of money.

Ah, is there anything better
than watching Garda Patrol

on your own, in peace?

(phone ringing)

Phone!

Phone!

Phone!

Bridget, the phone!

- Hello, two-two-five-seven- double eight?

- I had to get out of me chair,

walk all the way over here

and put my hand down as far as there.

- Shut up!

No, not you, mammy.

- Is it mammy, is it mammy?

Put her on, Mammy mammy, put
her on, put her on, put her on!

- It's not your mammy, it's my mother.

- Your mother is dead, Bridget.

I distinctly remember
not going to her funeral.

- For the last time, my mother is not dead

and she's coming over
for Easter Sunday dinner.

Mammy, yes, I'm going to be doing a roast.

What?

I suppose I could, I'd lose a few pounds.

No, I don't want to
look too slutty at mass.

Okay, love you.

Sorry, I won't do that again.

Bye bye.

- Are they gonna exhume her corpse

because that won't be very appetizing

sitting at the dinner table,

bits of her falling into the trifle.

- For the last time,
my mother is not dead!

She's coming for Easter Sunday dinner

and she said she has a big announcement!

(gasps) What if she's
really sick, and she dies

and she has to leave me
all her gold jewelry?

I'll be sparkling.

It'll be great.

It'll be all over me.

(upbeat synth music)

(doorbell dings)

Shite, she's here.

Mammy!

- You're dry.

Not good enough.

- Sorry, mammy.

It's just Father Gabriel.

He won't give us anymore holy water

because of what Eamon did in the vat

when he was caught short
those last two times.

- Oh, it's always Eamon's fault.

- It was Eamon who pissed in the-

I mean, it's good to see you, mammy.

How are you feeling?

- Yes, it is good to see me, isn't it?

I made a cake because I know
you can't bake for shite.

- Oh, you noticed the rug.

Oh, everybody's doing it like
this now round the houses.

Yes, it's modern, they
say (laughs nervously).

Now, mammy your big announcement.

Now, I don't want to
jump to any conclusions,

but if it's terminal and
you haven't got long,

I need to know and yes I do
love really expensive jewelry.

Go on.

- Well, I do have a big announcement,

but I think we'll wait
until everyone is here.

- Eamon, get down here now!

- Did you know that Kermit the Frog

and Miss Piggy are only cohabiting,

which means he doesn't get the tax benefit

of them being married?

That guy is a dope.

- Right, everyone's here.

Do your big announcement, go.

- Eamon.

- Bridget's mother.

- How long has it been?

- Too long.

Bridget told me you died eight years ago.

- I did not.

- I'm sorry she prevented me
from going to your funeral,

which didn't happen.

- She was always a bitch.

- I was not.

- She still is.

- I am not!

- Eamon, do you remember
that bank holiday weekend

in Nenagh?

- Oh, Bridget's mother, I do,

but we can't go back there now.

There's road works in around the N52.

Traffic's a nightmare.

- Bridget, I do hope that
you've made me a trifle.

You know that I love a good trifle.

- Of course your favorite daughter

has made her jewelry-laden
mother a beautiful trifle.

I'll just go check.

This way.

- Good, no rush back.

- I like trifle too.

(upbeat synth music)

(upbeat middle eastern music)

- Bridget?

- You know me.

- Yes, Bridget.

(man struggling)

- You can skip all the
bits about you kissin'.

- I can skip it all, if you like.

- Give us a second, Haluk.

- Do you know what, Haluk.

You might have beaten
me into a bloody pulp,

but fair play to ya for
having a go at that one.

Fair play to ya.

- Go ahead.

(fist thuds)

- (laughs) Mammy, this is so funny.

Well, this fella says he knows ya.

- Yes, Bridget.

I see you've already
met my new man, Antonio.

Oh, he's a devil for
coming in the back door.

- What?

But I've just...

I just...

He's 30 years younger than you, mammy.

- 32, actually.

Now, I hope you didn't
throw yourself at him

like a big slut.

Though I wouldn't blame you,

with him being all foreign and all.

I brought him back from
my holidays last month.

He was waiting on my table

and when I saw him eating the
head off two British tourists,

I just knew that he was the one for me.

- I take your coat, my pretty ladies.

You want something to eat?

- Isn't he just the best?

He's got the most wondrous gob.

You can't believe the things

he's done to me with that tongue.

I've never been cleaner.

Front and back!

It was just so organic because
we have so much in common.

He's from Turkey, I love roast turkey.

We both love a bit of Turkish delight.

Isn't that right, Sergio?

- I thought his name is Antonio.

- Antonio, Sergio, how am
I supposed to remember?

- My name is Haluk Akbar Kabeer Yufuk.

Your mother is a very sexy ladies.

You want some bread?

I get you bread.

- Isn't it such a pity that your father

never noticed how sexy I am?

Take your hand away from here.

Take your hand away from there.

With Stefano, I can put
my hand anywhere I want.

He doesn't care, he doesn't
even mind when I put them up--

- Upstairs!

Haluk, there's loaves
defrosting in the hot press.

- So what do you think your new daddy?

- He's not my daddy!

He's not the man who bought
me my first pair of shoes

when I was one and made me
wear them 'til I was six.

He's not the man who
terrorized everybody at mass

with a shotgun because he drank
a bottle of cider vinegar.

He's just not, okay?

- Why can't you just
try to be happy for me?

Just once, Bridget?

I'm not lonely.

I just dread being
alone or being with you.

With Marco, I'm not lonely anymore.

I'm really happy

and he gives me loads of orgizmos
or whatever you call them.

- Okay, okay.

Mammy, I'm sorry for being (mumbles)

- So, my big announcement is

I'm going to put everything in his name.

The jewelry, the house, the lot.

I'm going to redo the will

and I'm going to open a kebab shop

named after the beautiful
place that I was born,

Limerick Junction Kebabs.

- What, the will, you can't, you can't.

I've had you in this house
every Easter, so I could--

- Okay, Bridget, that's enough now.

You either accept the fact
that he's a part of this family

and that he's probably going
to get everything when I die,

or we'll just say our goodbyes now.

- Shite!

(synth music)

We need to get rid of him.

Mammy's lost her mind
from getting her hole in.

We've been cut out of the will.

- Wait, your mother, who's not dead,

is going out with that fella?

- Yes.

She said it herself.

You were in the room.

- How could she do this to me?

I mean us.

I mean you.

- Because she's a cow and
we're not going to get a penny.

God forgive me for saying this,

but there's only one thing we can do.

- We're going to have to kill him.

- No.

- Kill her?

- No, you're going to have to seduce her.

- No, Bridget, you've no idea
what you're asking me to do.

- Look, I sent Haluk down
to Delores to get some sugar

and he'll be ages 'cause she's a diabetic

and she's off her face
on homemade Bailey's.

You seduce mammy, he'll come back.

He'll see you two, you know, at it.

He'll get really annoyed, break it off

and then I'll get my- we'll
get our inheritance back.

- Bridget, you do know that
once I turn on the Eamon charm,

you can't turn that off.

I'm so irresistible to
women that nearly, yeah,

every woman in this town
I've ever chatted up

has called the Guards because
my powers of seduction

are so strong that you could say

they're criminal and smooth.

In fact, some ladies call me the--

- Okay, this is going to be
a lot harder than I thought.

- Smooth, smooth criminal.

(romantic pop music)

well, Bridget's mother,
what's a girl like you

doing in a kitchen like this?

- I'm here for Sunday lunch.

- That's a nice dress.

It would look nicer on my bedroom floor.

- Oh, why?

What kind of carpet have you got in there?

- No, I...

Here's 20 pence.

Go phone your mother and tell
her you won't be home tonight.

- Eamon, my mother's
been dead for 30 years.

Plus, I'd just use your phone.

I'm staying here tonight already.

- Give me back the 20 pence then!

- You haven't changed,
Eamon, but I've moved on.

- Listen babe, you
better get on this plane

called Eamon's love jet
'cause if you don't,

you're gonna regret it.

Maybe not today, maybe
not tomorrow, but soon

when the plane's booked out

and you have to call the ferry

and there's a rake of kids getting sick.

She must be deaf in her right ear

'cause I turned the charm
up to a good seven there

and normally they're dripping.

- (groans) Jesus Christ,
Eamon, you need help.

I've set up the good room.

Take one of these.

I'll tell you what to say.

- Firstly, I don't need your help

and twoly, she'll hear it.

- She won't.

She's actually deaf in her right ear.

Keep it to one side.

(slow, romantic music)

Tell her she looks lovely, over.

- You look lovely, over.

- Thank you, Eamon.

- [Bridget] Now, ask her
would she like a drink, over.

- Would you like a drink over?

- Yes, but in a glass, not over me.

Do you remember we got carried
away once and tried that.

Doesn't work with the hot toddy.

- [Bridget] Now say this.

You look so young.

It must be so hard for such
a young beautiful woman

to be a mother.

Is that why you treated
Bridget like a piece of shite,

you big, baldy bitch?

Over.

- I will not, over.

- Not what over?

- Em, you must have
had Bridget very young.

- Oh, way too young and
she nearly killed me.

Jesus, the size of her head.

The nurses thought I
must've been with some fella

from Easter Island.

(laughing)

- Yeah, it's massive.

She's not allowed near the
windows during the summertime.

She blocks out too much sunlight.

The kids get rickets.

(laughing)

- Once when she asked
for a puppy at Christmas,

we gave her a rat that
had rabies for the laugh.

- Yeah, Ratsy.

She talks about him.

Sometimes, when I'm bored, I
smash up glass into tiny pieces

and put into sugar bowls
so she nearly dies.

- I've done that.

Eamon, you're gas.

What did she do to deserve a man like you?

- [Bridget] I can hear
everything you're saying!

Over.

- [Both] Good, over.

(laughing)

- Bridget is so stupid that
she makes stupidity-er people

feel better about themselves
and her arse is huge.

- Oh, Eamon keep talking like that

and I might lose the run of myself.

- Course you will.

You're a woman.

Let me show you where
I hide all her inhalers

so when she has a fit,
she can't find them.

- (gasps) I'd love that.

Do you remember that B & B in Nenagh?

- How could I forget?

They gave us a double room

when I distinctly asked for a single.

- We were thrown out.

- Yeah, we took shelter
from the rain under a tree.

Not romantically.

It's just I was too tight
arsed to pay for the room.

(laughs) but tonight, my room is free.

- It's working.

- [Bridget's Mother] I don't see anything

of Bridget's worth stealing.

- She's no relation to Bridget.

She's no relation to Bridget.

She's no relation to Bridget.

- Eamon, what are you doing?

Are you feeling okay?

- Don't be shy.

I know I'm irresistible.

You're only a woman, after all.

I'm gonna do things to you
that Haluk has never done.

(moaning)

oh, Eamon, oh Eamon.

Do that to me then.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Eam-

Oh, Eamon.

Oh, Eamon.

Oh, Eamon, Eamon, Eamon.

(uptempo synth music)

(thuds)

(Eamon groaning)

- Where is she?

- Oh, you're back.

My mother is upstairs.

Upstairs, in the bed.

In the bedroom.

The bedroom.

With Eamon.

The man of the house.

My husband.

Now, I don't know what
they could be doing,

but you should go upstairs
and have a look for yourself.

You, walk up the stairs
and go look and see

what mammy and Eamon are doing.

They could be, I don't,
I, just go upstairs.

(hard rock music)

Oh my god, my plan is working.

My husband is having
relations with my mother.

It's time to make some sandwiches, yes.

(Bridget's mother and Eamon groaning)

(retching)

- Oh, sorry, I didn't mean
to spit in your face there.

I was just trying to ride your misses.

- What?

- Oh, look!

Eamon and mammy must be
starving after all that riding.

Haluk, you must be off now.

Did you get a sandwich?

- That is not what is happening.

- Is this true?

- Haluk, yes, there may have
been something a long time ago,

but he married Bridget and
I don't take sloppy seconds.

- You try to take my womans?

- Jesus, his English is coming
great since he's been here,

hasn't it, Eamon?

- You fight me now.

- Okay, stop.

This has gone too far.

- Yes.

You're right mammy.

So what.

So what if we've tried
to get you into the bed,

swindle you out of your money,
throw you into a nursing home

and never visit you ever again?

- Okay, Haluk, kick the shite out of him.

- Outside, now.

- Okay, but you've been warned.

Just need five minutes to get ready.

- If I were you, Haluk,
I'd think he was stalling.

- Stalling?

Why would I be stalling?

Stalling, sure, stalling's for horses.

Or markets.

Like there's loads of stalls
in markets, isn't there?

I was in a market in England
once, oh, years ago now.

Ah, there was loads of stalls.

- Would you stop leaving everybody waiting

and get downstairs?

I'm sure even mammy would like to see you

get your face smashed in.

- Oh, yeah.

That'll be lovely.

- You think some jumped
up, foreign fancy boy

is going to beat me in a fight, well--

(fist thuds)

- (gasps) oh my God, Haluk, stop.

His face is fucked up enough.

Kick him in the balls.

- Can I get a toast, a Guinness sandwich

and a pint of ham and cheese, please?

- Now, you pay for getting
sticky finger with my womans.

- Oh my God, Haluk,
that is disgusting talk

and I would really help
my husband right now

if I wasn't a little bit
turned on now by your strength.

I mean, what am I saying, strength?

Penis.

- How much is that?

(Haluk screams)

(groaning)
(hard rock music)

(screaming)

- Oh my God, is that shit on a stick?

(laughing maniacally)

- Are you not entertained?

- A shit on a stick.

Seriously, who does that?

A shit on a stick!

- Well done, Eamon.

Where did you get the shit on a stick?

- The dog.

- We don't have a dog.

- I'll ask the questions around here.

- Look at mammy over there.

Crying, all alone again.

- No...

- It's great isn't it?

Look at her.

(melancholy pop music)
(Bridget's mother crying)

- Ah, shit on a stick.

- Yeah.

(electronic synth music)

- Let's do our party piece.

I'll go first.

- No.

The best part of Garda Patrol is on.

You know the bit when
they put the photo fits

of the criminals up and then
we guess which of the neighbors

it looks like most (laughing).

So funny.

Look at this eejit with the glasses.

Turn that shite off.

Turn it off.

Turn it off!

- Okay, gonna tell a story.

It's a true story.

It was the 1970's.

Superser heaters had just
arrived into Ireland,

bringing on the first summer of warmth.

Dana was at number one with her hit,

All Kinds of Everything.

Meanwhile, Fidelma and the
Castros were at number two

with a less known hit, A Small
Selection of a Few Things.

People could be heard
shouting at each other

hey you, close that door.

I'm not heating the streets.

And that's when I first
met Bridget's mother.

(upbeat rock music)

- Sit down there while
Bridget's getting ready

and I'll pour you a glass of mineral.

- Thanks, Bridget's mother.

You're, you.

- Did you see our new Superser?

we're the first people
in the town to have one.

- Yeah, there's great heat out of it.

God, you can nearly open a window.

- We're not heating the street.

- Yeah, I was just saying.

Stupid Eamon, stupid!

- I think you're the first
fella to call on Bridget

more than once.

She's either too easy
or too annoying or both.

She's got no friends.

I don't think I'll ever get rid of her.

- Yeah, you're probably right there.

Actually, I was thinking
of maybe changing my mind

and asking you would you--

- I'll just give her a shout.

- No, don't!

- [Bridget's Mother] Bridget!

- Mammy.

- Sit down there and
keep young Eamon company

while I go and rub Oil
of Olay all over myself.

Oh (laughs) sorry, Eamon.

You probably don't want to hear about

Bridget's mother's fingers massaging cream

into every nook and cranny
of her still supple body.

- No, I do.

I do, I do, I do.

- So embarrassing.

- Your mother, she's
some woman, isn't she?

- Suppose.

She did tell me I was adopted

and that my real family wanted me back.

They were from Finland, so she bought me

a one way ticket on the ferry.

I didn't go.

- She's some sense of style, doesn't she?

Like, if I ever get
married, I want my wife

to do up the front room exactly like this.

I mean, exactly like this.

- Eamon, do you know
what people say about me?

They said I'm a less good
looking version of Dana.

What do you think?

- Dana?

Are they on drugs 'cause
you look nothing like Dana.

- (laughing) He said drugs.

Did you get the talk in school

about doing the heavy petting?

If you do it, that you
have to marry someone?

- Yeah, the only person
I'm ever gonna heavy pet

is your mother.

- What?

- I mean, the person who I marry,

who may or may not be your mother.

- Yeah, me too, except,
not with my mother.

- Yeah.

- Eamon, do you want to
try a bit of practice,

like a little bit of light
petting or something?

- Bridget, I'm pretty
sure this is the only time

I'm ever gonna say this, but
take your hand away from there.

- Bridget.
- No.

- Bridget.
- No.

- Bridget!

- Oh, I'm sorry Eamon.

It's just the heat from the Superser.

It's making me want to
try some medium petting

and then inevitably
lose the run of myself.

Do you want to see my boobs?

- No!

- Bridget, your father, he's--

- Dead?

- Yes!

- No, he has to go to Naas
with work for a few weeks.

- Oh.

- Oh no, what a terrible accident.

- I said he wasn't dead.

- He's gone to Naas for
a few weeks to work.

- Oh, babe that's tough.

Having to go to Naas for
a few weeks to work, babe.

Oh, no.

Here, put your head on my shoulder there

and cry if you want.

Well, don't cry.

I don't like women who cry, but
like you know, that's tough.

Oh no, show me that pillow, will ya?

Ah, that's tough.

Yeah, tough.

Really tough.

- Are you saying that you--

- Yeah.

- But you said it was pure
coincidence that our house

was decorated exactly
the same as my mother's.

- Yeah and you told me
that you weren't thick.

Can you not remember what I said to you?

- Bridget, I know all the lads said

that I'd get me hole off ya if
I bought you a bag of chips,

but I'm in love with your mother.

- What?

- Bridget, I can't say this more clearly.

I'm in love with your mother.

- Uh huh.

So what are you saying?

You're in love with her?

- Yeah.

The day I married you, I thought
I was marrying your mother.

- Eamon.

- Bridget's mother.

- Well, I know when I'm not wanted.

I'm just gonna go to Noreen's.

I'm sure she has a spare room.

- Noreen hates you.

- Yes I know, but she'll
probably enjoy the tragedy

of my husband falling
in love with my mother!

I'm going to go.

- Fine.

- I'm going.

I'm leaving now.

Okay, bye.

- [Eamon] Bye.

- Bye.

- You don't need to keep telling us.

- Just going to go.

- Yeah, bye.

- Okay, bye.

- Just go.

- Now, off.

- [Eamon] Bye.

- Off I go.

Bye now, going to go.

Really going to go now.

See you later.

- Bridget!

- Eamon!

- Close the door.

Not heating the street.

Oh, Bridget's mother, I've
never felt this way before.

- Me neither.

Apart from with Haluk, earlier on today.

Let's finish what we started
all those years ago in Nenagh

and head up to the room for
a good two and 1/2 to three,

no two minutes of passion.

- Hmm, with the lights off, maybe,

so I can't tell that you're ginger?

- Bridget's mother, I lo-

- Before you finish saying that,

did you hear what happened to Mrs. McGall

when she was making toast
in her bath last winter?

- No, please.

- Did you hear, Eamon, did ya?

- She died.

- She died.

They found her, electrocuted in the bath

- with a copy of the RTE...
- Guide on the floor.

She'd circled Tomorrow's World.

Sure she'd never see tomorrow,

let alone tomorrow's
world and she only 95.

She was a day.

- (crying) Can a man not fall in love

with his wife's mother without that woman

turning into the woman he
was trying to get away from

in the first place?

- Shut up.

- No, shit on a stick!

(Eamon crying)

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