All language subtitles for Bridget And Eamon s02e06 The Irish Summer.eng

(dramatic electronic music)

- Eamon.

Eamon.

Eamon, Eamon, Eamon, Eamon, Eamon.

What are you doing, Eamon?

- I'm brushing (mumbling)'s teeth.

What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm trying to sleep.

- So, Noreen says to me

when Italians have relations

that the women actually enjoy it.

They enjoy it.

We should try it out.

- Do you know what we should try?

You shutting up for five
minutes, how is that?

I'll give you five pounds.

I would spend five minutes with the kids.

I'll even let you touch
it for five minutes.

- Easy.

It is hilarious that you think

I couldn't stop talking for
five minutes, isn't it, Eamon?

Eamon, isn't it?

I mean, you are so stupid.

You know who can't keep her mouth shut?

That Noreen one, she
can't keep her mouth shut.

She can't.

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.

She's always talking.

I don't know what she be talking about.

She be talking about nothing,
going round in circles

and just talking and just...

(mysterious music)

What is it?

- I don't know.

- What do you mean, you don't know?

I thought you knew everything.

- Will you calm down?

- I am bloody calm!

(mysterious music)

Go, go, go, go, go.

(panicked breathing)

(phone ringing)

Hello, Concepta, do you
see it over there too?

Yeah, she saw it there too.

No, I've no idea what it is,

even Eamon.

What do you mean, you (mumbling)?

(gasping) Wait a second.

You rang her first?

(mumbling)

You called Dolores first?

Oh my god, Concepta, I thought you were--

- Concepta, look after
Seth and Shawnee first,

and then and only then your tits.

Children, sorry.

How much does it cost
to call the (mumbling)?

- It's free.

- Call the (mumbling).

- Okay.

- We interrupt normal programming

for this emergency weather report.

- Bridget, get in here!

- The unidentified warm light in the sky

has now been confirmed as the sun.

We now go live to our
reporter, David O'Shaughnessy,

who is outside.

- The appearance of this extraordinary

meteorological phenomenon
known as sunshine

is, experts say, due
to the fact that today

is the first day of the National
Leaving Certificate exams.

- Jesus Christ.

- The summer.

- It's very warm already.

Eamon, I think it might be too hot.

- Don't.

Don't say that, you'll jinx it,

and don't tell (mumbling)
about the swimming pool

out the back either.

I want to be able to enjoy
swimming in that pool

before half the town, aw, you told them.

- I didn't.
- You did.

- I didn't.

- You did, you always do.

- Well, I can say right here, right now,

honestly and definitely,
I told no one about the--

(doorbell rings)
Okay, maybe I did.

(mysterious music)

- Are you nearly done
with that razor, Noreen?

- Everybody ready?

(gasps)

What has happened to my curtains?

- That is very strange.

The dog must've done it.

- Oh, the dog cut a pattern

out of the exact blouse
that you're wearing

and gave it to you?

- Come on, Bridget.

I couldn't find anything in your wardrobe

that could possibly suit anybody.

(gasps)

- It's okay.

Paddy the Pervert, he lives
next door, (mumbling),

he hates curtains.

He's always telling me to leave them open.

Oh, there he is.

Hi, Paddy!

- Are you out yet?

- No, we're not ready yet.

We'll be down in two minutes.

- What about Concepta?

- What?

Yes, Concepta, she's here.

He loves Concepta.

- Oh, such a lovely man.

Taught me (mumbling) for years,

and I swear I credit that fellow

for my knowledge on how to hold a stick.

- Oh, you're very good.

Ladies,

do you want to see the new swimsuit

I bought from (mumbling)?

- Oh, no, Bridget.

(gags)

- You can't go out like that.

Bridget, I don't even like you,

but you need help.

Cover.

(mysterious music)

- Well, that's me done.

Not getting ready?

- I am.

- No, you're not.

- Oh, I don't really
like the sun much, Eamon.

To be honest, I prefer to stay covered up.

- No!

I mean, no!

- See, I read the sun
is actually bad for you.

According to new research,
with the state of the ozone,

sun damage causes cancer.

(laughs)

- Oh, you're a (mumbling), Concepta.

How is the sun bad for you?

- Well, it's definitely
going to be bad for Bridget.

You have to do something, Eamon.

You have to talk to her.

- Talk to her?

I don't even look at her.

Talk to her?

I haven't talked to her in 25 years.

I'm not going to start talking to her now.

- Come on, Eamon, let's go out in the sun.

(ominous music)

(gags)

- Jesus Christ and the seven
horse lips of Port Ayrington,

stay back!

- Oh, do make that stop, Eamon.

Please make that stop.

- What?

- Stay back!

There's only one man who can sort this.

(mysterious music)

- I came as quick as I could.

- Things have gotten worse since I phoned.

- Have you given her anything?

- Just a bit of flat 7Up,
but it hasn't worked.

- (gasps) Oh, Jesus Christ,
it's worse than you described.

- What?

Oh, they're grand.

(mumbling) never shave them.

- I command you, my
child, to shave your legs

in the name of the Father and the Son.

(growling in demonic voice)

Our Lord commands you.

Well, he asks you nicely.

Hold her down.

(snarling)

Lord, grant me the power to apply

this (mumbling) effectively.

- No!

It burns, it burns!

- Eamon, give me the razor.

Take the good book.

- What's this?

- It's the Good Book of Beauty.

I got it at Woman's Way last week.

It's full of useful tidbits.

(growls in demonic voice)

St. Ireland's patron saint
of leg hair, guide my hand.

Shaving foam, now.

(crying out)

What is that?

- It's washing up liquid.

It was the only thing I could find.

- It'll have to do.

(mysterious music)

- God.

- She's waking up.

- I feel 10 stone lighter.

- You are freed, my child.

(mysterious music)

- Right, Paddy the Pervert's out there.

Nobody is to tell him
we've yellow pack beer.

You know what he's like when
he's had a few drinks in him.

- Are you nearly ready?

- Two minutes, Paddy.

- Now, secondly.

Lads, there are strict pool rules, okay?

A, no running around the pool,

B, no drinks around the pool,

and three, most importantly, lads,

no one's to go to the toilet in it.

Right?

There are three perfectly
good hedges out there.

For God's sake, lads, use them.

- Would you come on, Eamon?

I don't want to get rickets
again like last year.

- Oh, and finally,

due to new EEC regulations,

anybody wearing a peach
jumper with white trim

and little dickey bows

and a brown blouse with a white collar

is not allowed to wear that any more,

so you'll have to take
that off you, Concepta.

- Oh, right.

Sure, I'll just stay inside.

- No, you can't.

- Why not?

- Because you have to...

- You're to help me with the fry outside.

- You mean barbecue?

- [Bridget and Eamon] It's a fry outside.

- Oh, yeah, and finally,

this goes for you, Teen
Wolf, and your big mouth,

nobody is to say that it's too--

- Yeah, it's too--

- Stop.

What did I just say?

The moment anybody says it's too,

all right, you know
what's going to happen.

- Okay.

- Right, let me go check conditions.

(upbeat electronic music)

It's perfect.

Bridget, (mumbling).

- Go, go, go!

- No, Father, you have to stay
behind and answer the phone,

or, God forbid, someone calls to the door.

- But I'm going to San
Francisco in a few weeks

to see the boys.

I can't show up looking like an albino.

- You're grand, Father.

I'll stay in, you go out.

- No, nobody's coming out unless I say so.

Concepta, you have to come out with me

to help me with the fry outside,

and it's going to get very warm,

so you might as well take
off all your clothes now.

- But, sure, the only thing
I know about barbecues

is that the word comes
from the original language

of the Taino people of the Caribbean

and you smoke food over hot charcoals.

- Jesus Christ, you're so stupid.

That has got nothing to do
with frying food outside.

(laughs) Stay in there.

(sighs)

- Shit.

- Where's the pool?

- There.

- That's a paddling pool, Eamon.

- I think you'll find
it's an outdoor pool.

- Find it where?

- Written on the box.

- Oh, give me an hour,
we'll be drowning ourselves.

- Use the foot pumpers, you--

- Oh, yeah. (laughs)

(mysterious music)

(groovy pop music)

- What are you doing out here?

- I wanted to help.

- You can help by waiting in by the phone.

- But, Eamon, the Maynooth reunion.

I wanted to look like a
sunswept Andrew Ridgeley.

- I'll Andrew Ridgeley you.

- Eamon!

- Oh, do you like Wham?

- Oh, I love Wham.

- Wham the, back inside of the house.

(mysterious music)

(blows whistle)

Pool open.

(blows whistle)

Splashing, get out.

I don't care which one, get out.

- Which is the shallow end?

- It's happening (mumbling) this end,

so if you're not a strong swimmer,

I'd stay down that end.

- I'll stay down this end.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
you're going to the deep end.

Stay near to the shallow end.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, okay.

- I don't want to panic you, Frank,

but there's a floater near your face.

(screams)

Get out of the water!

- I can't swim!

- Then I'm going after you.

- I can't swim!

- Don't die on me, Frank.

Don't die on me.

I'm not spending the
hottest day of the year

in the hospital.

(sputters)

Okay, who didn't hear the rules

about not shitting in the pool?

- Sorry, Eamon.

That was me.

- Okay.

Fair enough, Paddy, you
didn't hear the bit about

using the bushes.

(mysterious music)

(disco music)

- Do you know what?

Maybe this ozone layer
yolk is just propaganda.

I think I will take off my tops.

Eamon, can I ask you a question?

I've no bathing suit.

Do you mind if I go topless?

I know we're not in France

and nobody wants to be looking
at my 38GG fake breasts.

- No.

- No yes or no no?

- Yes.

- [Concepta] Great.

- Eamon, your mother's on the phone.

She says it's urgent.

- You talk to her, I'm busy.

- No, she says she has to
talk to her special boy.

- [Eamon] Tell her I'm dead.

- Jesus, but isn't it
fierce close altogether?

- You know what, actually, it's too hot.

(thunderclap)

Aw!

Shite!

(thunderclap)

(dramatic music)

(dramatic music)

- 90 minutes.

- That's the best summer
we've had since 1976.

- Do you know what, I think
you've got a bit of a color.

- You've got a bit of a
color there too, Bridget.

- Yes, ow, I can feel it coming up now.

- I can feel the color coming up too now,

in a kind of a sickly seeing
double dehydrated kind of way.

- I feel that too.

That must be good.

- I think that's sunstroke.

It's very dangerous.

- Jesus, Concepta,
sunstroke's only a myth.

- I do feel kind of hot yet cold,

alive yet dying at the same time.

- That's the start of it, Bridget.

You have to treat as
many of us as possible.

Get the calomine lotion.

- What about yourself?

- Sure, I'm grand.

I was covered up.

- (screams) Concepta, your back!

- What, Bridget, I didn't go anywhere.

- No, your back, it's burned to a crisp.

It's like somebody cut a
big hole out of your dress.

Oh my god.

- Oh yeah, that was me.

- (laughs) Isn't he a gas, take it?

Where did he get the
name Paddy the Pervert?

- Oh, you know, like
(mumbling), "the Pervert."

He is a bit of a pervert, though.

- That's interesting.

- Bridget, is she all right?

- I don't know.

Oh, look at you, Frank.

You've got a bit of a color now.

- Do I?

That's great.

- Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ.

We're all going to die.

- Not if we act quickly.

- Father, this is no time
for stations of the cross.

- No, I did a first aid
course back in the mid-60s.

A few renegade priests and myself,

we tried to join the
Burkina Faso coup-d'etat,

but we missed the train
from Maynooth to Dublin.

Oh, the folly of youth.

- Father, Father, people are dying.

- We need calomine lotion quickly,

but more than anything we need a doctor.

(dramatic Latin music)

- Let me help.

- You, help?

- Beautiful woman, I can
see from your enchanted face

that you are worried.

- What's happening?

- I've seen this kind
of thing happen before.

When an Irish man gets a bit of sun,

the vitamin D levels rise
up so high in his system

he becomes alert, positive, and, well...

- I want to make love to you

beside wild-grazing deer,

beneath the lush green verdun grass

in the park of the phoenix,

and then in the morning, and then at noon,

and then at teatime,

and then maybe a little time

between the teatime and the nighttime,

and again and again and again

until the OPW tell us to move on.

- In Eamon's case, a little bit Latin.

- Padre, give me the calomine lotion.

Let us save lives here.

- [Bridget] I like this new...

- Eamondo.

- He's lost his memory.

Call an ambulance.

- Shut up.

It's Brigitte.

- Brigitte.

So beautiful.

I feel a great sadness.

This little chica with
the (mumbling) grandes

will not make it through the night.

Please, somebody give me a pillow.

I will put her out of her mystery.

- There you go, Eamondo.

- Oh, no, sorry.

No, I'm not dying.

I just have a bit of sunstroke.

- Here, Eamon.

- Please, turn around.

- Oh, okay.

- Oh, the humanity!

I feel so much pain,

a pain that can only be
lifted by making love.

- Okay, so let's go upstairs now.

No, Jesus, no.

No, no, you might drop that on yourself.

I'll keep that.

Sure they don't need it.

I need it for myself.

- Bridget, we need to tend to the others.

Give me the lotion.

- No.

- No, he is right.

There is a time for making of the love,

there is a time for (mumbling),

and there is a time for MacGyver.

What time does MacGyver start?

- What's happening?

(funky music)
- Oh, it's wearing off.

Thank God.

We need to call him an
ambulance and treat others.

- No, no.

- MacGyver, MacGyver.

Is MacGyver on now?

What time is MacGyver on?

- Don't leave me, Eamondo.

(growls incoherently)

- Senorita.

La belladonna.

(Bridget squeals)
(romantic music)

- Now, Eamondo, you know
exactly what I want,

and I'm ready to be
treated like a real woman

for the first time ever.

- This, this is so beautiful
it makes me want to weep.

I want to caress it with my lips,

but before I do that,

I want to fist it.

(grunts)

(mumbling)

Feel this.

Oh, yes.

- No one has ever said such things to me.

Keep going, keep going.

- It is as beautiful as the morning sun.

It is as silky as silk

and it takes like the earth,

the earth in which you rule my world.

- Two words: Derry gold.

You know, you really know
how to make one feel special.

Would you like another drink?

(laughs)

- Brigitte, you get me.

You just get me.

You drive-a me crazy.

Crazy, crazy, crazy.

♫ Oh, Brigitte

♫ The passion between the sheets

♫ The flames as our love beats

♫ Our love beats

♫ It beats, it beats

This is a load of shite.

This is--
(yells)

♫ Let's make love

♫ But first we eat

- Let's skip dessert
and let's go make love.

- You, senorita, you are dessert.

- No, I have an Arctic roll
in the freezer that I made.

- Si, go get the Arctic roll,

but you must bring the jelly.

I love the jelly.

- Oh, I love jelly too.

- (laughs) I love the jelly,

but not as much as my amante.

- Oh, I love my auntie too.

Not the mental spinster one,

the one that's a bit a crack,

the alcoholic one, you know.

- No, "my amante" means...

It doesn't matter what it means.

You drive me crazy, you lady.

I love you, Brigitte!

(plays guitar)

- Bridget, this has to stop.

People are dying out there.

I need that lotion.

- Never.

- I shouldn't be dancing at all.

It's probably giving you the impression

that I'm on your side,
but I'm clearly not.

Just the heart wants what the heart wants.

Ole!

- Ole!

- Bridget!

Bridget, I need the last
drop of calomine lotion.

- No, I need it!

He's going to make love
to me like an Italian.

I'm going to have my first
and maybe only ever orgasm.

- But I have first and
second and third degree burns

on 90% of my body.

- I don't care.

I don't know how I did it,

but I burnt my lady bits,

and nobody likes a burnt rasher, Noreen!

(dramatic Latin guitar music)

(screams)

- There's only one way to settle this.

Like adults.

(gentle guitar music)

(mumbling)

(squeaking)

Now.

Now.

- Yes.

Put your arm out, Bridget.

- Just get it over with.

(whimpers)

- Now.

- Shite.

- Other arm.

Oh, wait, same arm.

- You don't have to do this, Noreen.

- Now.

(screams)

Should've shared in the
first place, Bridget.

Ah, well, now it's all mine.

- No!

I'm okay.

Keep going.

- But, Bridget, you're bleeding.

- Now!

- Now.

(dramatic music intensifies)

Now.

- Oh, fuck.

- Inside thigh, now.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Bridget.

- Inside thigh, now.

Do you know what?

I've changed my mind.

- Oh, really?

- No!

(screams)

Oh, Eamondo, I've dreamt of this day.

- Dream of the night too.

Dream of the morning.

Dream of the midmorning.

Dream of the lunchtime.

Dream of the teatime.

Dream of various times throughout the day.

My love for you is so passionate.

- I'm going to go and
fix my rasher right now.

(both scream)

- Get off!

No, no, no!

No!

(dramatic music)

(sputters)

(groans and coughs)

- Make it stop!

Bridget, Bridget, Bridget, Bridget!

What shite is going on in here?

- No, Eamondo!

- Who's Eamondo?

- I'll never be happy.

Who's going to make mad,
passionate relations with me now?

Not now, Paddy.

- Go out and get me me tea.

I want three Marietta biscuits.

I want to see the butter
come up through the holes.

And put on (mumbling).

Paddy.

(tragic orchestral music)

(opera singer singing in foreign language)

Is that smoke?

- Eamondo, it's me, Bridget.

- It's burned me trousers.

- Eamondo!

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