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1
00:00:01,589 --> 00:00:03,129
- [Bridget] I know she's had a perm.
2
00:00:03,128 --> 00:00:04,648
I mean, who is she trying to kid?
3
00:00:04,646 --> 00:00:07,466
- I can't believe Big Tom
has broken down on our road.
4
00:00:07,468 --> 00:00:08,458
What am I going to say to him?
5
00:00:08,458 --> 00:00:09,778
- Sure I played camogie with her.
6
00:00:09,776 --> 00:00:10,606
We'd be in the dressing room and
7
00:00:10,609 --> 00:00:11,789
I sure had a look down there and it's
8
00:00:11,790 --> 00:00:14,540
straight as a die,
Eamon, straight as a die.
9
00:00:14,544 --> 00:00:16,054
- Hold on!
10
00:00:16,054 --> 00:00:17,994
We're back to where we started.
11
00:00:17,992 --> 00:00:18,832
- I know!
12
00:00:20,143 --> 00:00:21,573
- Where's Big Tom?
13
00:00:21,572 --> 00:00:23,332
- I just said that to
get you out of the house.
14
00:00:23,331 --> 00:00:24,471
You see, I was watching Live At Three
15
00:00:24,467 --> 00:00:27,727
and Thelma Mansfield said
exercise is very important.
16
00:00:27,730 --> 00:00:28,860
Aw, it's fierce important,
17
00:00:28,861 --> 00:00:30,321
especially for men, Eamon.
18
00:00:30,320 --> 00:00:31,530
- I'm after spending half an hour with
19
00:00:31,530 --> 00:00:33,120
you for no reason!
20
00:00:33,123 --> 00:00:34,823
- It's called a walk, Eamon, and
21
00:00:34,819 --> 00:00:36,809
everyone in Dublin is doing it.
22
00:00:36,814 --> 00:00:38,784
Thelma Mansfield, she said that...
23
00:00:38,784 --> 00:00:39,624
Hang on.
24
00:00:40,557 --> 00:00:41,387
Eamon...
25
00:00:43,548 --> 00:00:45,218
You're going to have to
run back to the house.
26
00:00:45,215 --> 00:00:46,835
- I'm not running for no reason, Bridget.
27
00:00:46,840 --> 00:00:47,670
I'm not a drug dealer.
28
00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:48,893
- Eamon, I've no cigarettes!
29
00:00:48,889 --> 00:00:50,199
Will you go back to the house!
30
00:00:50,197 --> 00:00:51,447
- Will you calm down!
31
00:00:51,450 --> 00:00:53,000
- I am bloody calm!
32
00:00:52,999 --> 00:00:53,829
- Check your pockets.
33
00:00:53,833 --> 00:00:54,923
- I have checked my pockets!
- Check your pockets!
34
00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:57,702
- Aw no, here's one, I found it.
35
00:00:57,697 --> 00:00:59,097
Do you know what, Eamon?
36
00:00:59,102 --> 00:01:00,562
I feel healthier already!
37
00:01:00,562 --> 00:01:02,292
Do you?
- Go get the car.
38
00:01:02,285 --> 00:01:04,945
- What?
- Go get the car, go on.
39
00:01:06,589 --> 00:01:08,089
Run, Bridget, Run!
40
00:01:08,966 --> 00:01:11,966
A walk, Jesus Christ, what
will they think of next?
41
00:01:11,968 --> 00:01:14,548
(upbeat music)
42
00:01:39,175 --> 00:01:41,295
- Hello?
- It's me again.
43
00:01:41,300 --> 00:01:42,970
I want it done, it has to be tomorrow.
44
00:01:42,967 --> 00:01:45,297
- Okay, see ya tomorrow.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait--
45
00:01:45,298 --> 00:01:47,878
(phone clicks)
46
00:01:48,764 --> 00:01:52,114
(alarm buzzes)
47
00:01:52,111 --> 00:01:53,791
- Eamon, I need to ask you a question.
48
00:01:53,790 --> 00:01:55,480
It's been playing on my mind all night.
49
00:01:55,475 --> 00:01:57,675
Now, I know we got married very young
50
00:01:57,680 --> 00:01:59,190
and I know the six to eight children
51
00:01:59,193 --> 00:02:01,823
have destroyed my body, and yours.
52
00:02:01,816 --> 00:02:03,666
I know we're not Italian, but do you
53
00:02:03,669 --> 00:02:06,129
still find me attractive in that way?
54
00:02:06,132 --> 00:02:09,472
- [Eamon] Bridget, how do we make toast?
55
00:02:19,231 --> 00:02:22,061
- And the toast comes out like so!
56
00:02:24,938 --> 00:02:27,608
- The man is coming this morning.
57
00:02:27,611 --> 00:02:29,021
- It can't be this morning!
58
00:02:29,020 --> 00:02:30,700
I'm not ready.
59
00:02:30,699 --> 00:02:34,119
- It has to be, I'll never
get this chance again.
60
00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:35,840
- Will the neighbors know?
61
00:02:35,839 --> 00:02:37,759
- Of course, sure he has
to erect his equipment.
62
00:02:37,764 --> 00:02:38,814
- Where?
63
00:02:38,805 --> 00:02:39,695
- What do you mean where?
64
00:02:39,696 --> 00:02:40,546
Up on the roof!
65
00:02:40,554 --> 00:02:41,394
He puts the aerial up on the roof,
66
00:02:41,387 --> 00:02:42,787
runs a wire down from the aerial,
67
00:02:42,788 --> 00:02:43,848
sticks it in the back of the telly
68
00:02:43,851 --> 00:02:47,931
and then we have BBC1,
BBC2, UTV and the other one.
69
00:02:47,929 --> 00:02:49,999
- What other one?
70
00:02:50,002 --> 00:02:50,842
(mumbles)
71
00:02:50,835 --> 00:02:51,795
- Channel Four!
72
00:02:51,799 --> 00:02:53,569
- Why don't you tell
the whole road, Bridget!
73
00:02:53,568 --> 00:02:54,778
- No, Eamon, no!
74
00:02:54,783 --> 00:02:57,563
No, because Maureen Clancy,
her sister lives in England
75
00:02:57,560 --> 00:02:58,630
and she said there was a willy on it
76
00:02:58,630 --> 00:02:59,950
last week for no reason!
77
00:02:59,954 --> 00:03:00,934
- So wasn't there a willy on the
78
00:03:00,930 --> 00:03:02,120
Late Late Show last week?
79
00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:04,305
- That was different, that was flacid.
80
00:03:04,311 --> 00:03:05,801
This one was fully...
81
00:03:05,799 --> 00:03:06,849
- Oh, that's lovely!
82
00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:08,313
Is that what yourself
and Maureen do be talking
83
00:03:08,308 --> 00:03:10,618
about on the phone, rigid willies?
84
00:03:10,618 --> 00:03:12,488
You've little to be going on about.
85
00:03:12,487 --> 00:03:13,737
- Eamon, what if we're caught?
86
00:03:13,737 --> 00:03:14,897
- We don't even have a--
87
00:03:14,896 --> 00:03:15,946
- Don't say that word!
88
00:03:15,953 --> 00:03:16,793
- But we don't have a--
89
00:03:16,786 --> 00:03:17,696
- Bridget!
90
00:03:17,700 --> 00:03:19,010
- A license.
91
00:03:19,012 --> 00:03:23,432
- I told you to never mention
that word in this house ever!
92
00:03:23,432 --> 00:03:24,652
- But Eamon, what if we're caught?
93
00:03:24,649 --> 00:03:26,389
Cait Lawless was caught last year
94
00:03:26,385 --> 00:03:29,935
and she went to prison and
now she has a girlfriend!
95
00:03:29,939 --> 00:03:32,119
(doorbell rings)
96
00:03:32,124 --> 00:03:33,044
- It's him.
97
00:03:35,631 --> 00:03:38,241
- They say the weather in
Moscow is fine at night.
98
00:03:38,244 --> 00:03:40,894
- But in Paris it rains all day.
99
00:03:40,886 --> 00:03:42,466
- Okay, okay, okay.
100
00:03:43,415 --> 00:03:46,355
There are no Guards or TV license
101
00:03:46,355 --> 00:03:49,945
inspectors in these parts, are there?
102
00:03:49,953 --> 00:03:51,203
- No.
103
00:03:51,201 --> 00:03:53,721
- Let operations begin!
104
00:03:53,716 --> 00:03:57,226
Here, you wouldn't whip that
up for us there, would you?
105
00:03:57,231 --> 00:03:58,991
Till it's nice and solid.
106
00:03:58,989 --> 00:04:02,319
I like to be able to eat it with a fork.
107
00:04:03,487 --> 00:04:04,987
- Oh, he's lovely!
108
00:04:07,542 --> 00:04:09,162
- Are you going to need the ladder?
109
00:04:09,158 --> 00:04:12,528
- Where I'm going I don't need ladders!
110
00:04:12,528 --> 00:04:14,608
- Are you not putting the
aerial up on the roof?
111
00:04:14,607 --> 00:04:16,077
- Who said anything about the roof?
112
00:04:16,079 --> 00:04:17,039
- Well, I presumed.
113
00:04:17,039 --> 00:04:18,209
- You presumed!
114
00:04:18,207 --> 00:04:19,637
Tell me this, have you ever stared
115
00:04:19,637 --> 00:04:22,127
into the cold dark eyes of a TV inspector
116
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:23,359
while hanging from your middle
117
00:04:23,360 --> 00:04:25,010
finger that's dislocated off an
118
00:04:25,009 --> 00:04:27,829
asbestos roof, sweating bullets,
119
00:04:27,831 --> 00:04:29,411
just so a 34-year-old man, who's
120
00:04:29,406 --> 00:04:30,636
about to give up on the simple
121
00:04:30,644 --> 00:04:32,244
pleasure of life itself,
122
00:04:32,238 --> 00:04:34,808
could watch the snooker on BBC2?
123
00:04:34,812 --> 00:04:35,652
- No.
124
00:04:35,645 --> 00:04:36,765
- And tell me this, have you ever
125
00:04:36,773 --> 00:04:38,043
stared into God's eyes
126
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:40,270
while lightning was
striking down on your skull
127
00:04:40,274 --> 00:04:41,684
as you're bending your neck through
128
00:04:41,678 --> 00:04:43,348
a badly ventilated window
129
00:04:43,345 --> 00:04:45,785
just to get the aerial position right,
130
00:04:45,788 --> 00:04:47,928
just so a family of four can watch
131
00:04:47,928 --> 00:04:50,008
UTV on a Saturday night?
132
00:04:50,006 --> 00:04:51,296
- No.
133
00:04:51,299 --> 00:04:52,129
(thunder rumbles)
134
00:04:52,132 --> 00:04:52,972
- And tell me this, have you ever
135
00:04:52,965 --> 00:04:54,855
screamed into the dark sky,
136
00:04:54,855 --> 00:04:56,045
wondering about the very--
137
00:04:56,051 --> 00:04:57,851
- Do you want the ladder, yes or no!
138
00:04:57,847 --> 00:04:59,097
- Oh yeah, I'll need a ladder.
139
00:04:59,096 --> 00:05:01,736
- Now, here's your Angel Delight and
140
00:05:01,744 --> 00:05:03,584
it's whipped and not stirred.
141
00:05:03,580 --> 00:05:05,160
- Oh no, this is for you.
142
00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:06,330
- [Bridget] Oh!
143
00:05:06,331 --> 00:05:07,661
- Eat it for me.
144
00:05:13,239 --> 00:05:14,319
- Stop, Bridget!
145
00:05:14,316 --> 00:05:15,676
Get up on the roof!
146
00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:18,100
- Hang on, we're alright here, man.
147
00:05:18,096 --> 00:05:19,776
As they say on the Burrow, she's got
148
00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:22,758
the mouth for the Angel's
Delight, you know?
149
00:05:22,758 --> 00:05:23,948
- He's a weirdo.
150
00:05:23,946 --> 00:05:25,526
- I like him.
151
00:05:25,528 --> 00:05:27,628
Now, did you tell him not
to put on that Channel Four?
152
00:05:27,627 --> 00:05:29,397
I don't want that filth in this house.
153
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:30,820
- Of course I did
154
00:05:31,816 --> 00:05:32,646
n't.
155
00:05:33,873 --> 00:05:36,463
(upbeat music)
156
00:05:38,431 --> 00:05:40,051
You didn't tell anyone, did you?
157
00:05:40,052 --> 00:05:43,362
- Eamon, you have to give me
some credit, I've told no-one.
158
00:05:43,361 --> 00:05:46,101
- Swear on your dead mother's soul.
159
00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:48,996
- For the last time,
my mother is not dead.
160
00:05:48,995 --> 00:05:51,325
- Well, that's just
typical of her, isn't it!
161
00:05:51,327 --> 00:05:52,337
I want to watch that in peace.
162
00:05:52,344 --> 00:05:53,864
I don't want half the town round here.
163
00:05:53,863 --> 00:05:55,103
- I've told no-one!
164
00:05:55,100 --> 00:05:57,860
(clears throat)
165
00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:02,758
- This humble cable is
about to change your lives.
166
00:06:02,762 --> 00:06:03,792
- Will you just stick it in!
167
00:06:03,793 --> 00:06:06,113
- This needs to be savored, mate.
168
00:06:06,106 --> 00:06:07,526
This isn't some slide-it-in in the
169
00:06:07,525 --> 00:06:11,155
back of a Hiace after a
Stockton's Wing concert.
170
00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:14,113
Here, you wouldn't whip up that for
171
00:06:14,112 --> 00:06:16,152
me there, my lovely lady, would you?
172
00:06:16,145 --> 00:06:17,725
You could even spread a bit around
173
00:06:17,731 --> 00:06:19,341
there, if you wanted to.
174
00:06:19,335 --> 00:06:21,235
- If you don't stick that cable in
175
00:06:21,238 --> 00:06:23,118
right now, I will ram it up your--
176
00:06:23,118 --> 00:06:25,178
- Okay, okay, okay!
177
00:06:25,184 --> 00:06:27,534
It's alright, I'm just saying,
as we'd say in the Burrow,
178
00:06:27,534 --> 00:06:30,874
she could make some cash from the smash!
179
00:06:34,797 --> 00:06:36,997
You are channel people now!
180
00:06:36,999 --> 00:06:39,749
(doorbell rings)
181
00:06:42,557 --> 00:06:44,207
- Aw for, sake!
182
00:06:44,212 --> 00:06:46,592
- Oh, come in, I have some voulez-vous
183
00:06:46,591 --> 00:06:48,911
and some mint viscounts on the table.
184
00:06:48,910 --> 00:06:50,530
- I knew you couldn't
keep your mouth shut!
185
00:06:50,528 --> 00:06:52,218
- It's not my fault that the 40-or-so
186
00:06:52,219 --> 00:06:54,329
people I told couldn't
keep their mouth shut!
187
00:06:54,329 --> 00:06:56,179
They're lucky I had a few
bits in for the party.
188
00:06:56,175 --> 00:06:57,005
- What do you mean party?
189
00:06:57,008 --> 00:06:58,808
What party are you going on about?
190
00:06:58,811 --> 00:07:00,601
- A channels party, huh?
191
00:07:00,603 --> 00:07:02,243
All the rage in Dublin!
192
00:07:02,242 --> 00:07:03,082
- What?
193
00:07:03,075 --> 00:07:05,545
- Come here, did you get the dirty one?
194
00:07:05,546 --> 00:07:06,476
- What are you on about?
195
00:07:06,479 --> 00:07:07,589
- Channel Four!
196
00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:09,123
- I did not!
197
00:07:09,118 --> 00:07:11,238
And if I did it's coming straight off.
198
00:07:11,235 --> 00:07:12,925
It would be on there by an accident.
199
00:07:12,931 --> 00:07:14,391
That's the only way it would have
200
00:07:14,385 --> 00:07:15,815
got on there, by an accident.
201
00:07:15,821 --> 00:07:18,401
- No, no, no, no, the
brother told me he seen a
202
00:07:18,399 --> 00:07:20,469
full-frontal of a fully erect--
203
00:07:20,466 --> 00:07:22,836
- I don't care, I don't
care, it's pure filth.
204
00:07:22,836 --> 00:07:24,186
And if it's on there, it's on there
205
00:07:24,185 --> 00:07:26,125
by an accident and it's coming off.
206
00:07:26,130 --> 00:07:29,000
- Male penis, a fully
erect male penis, Eamon.
207
00:07:28,995 --> 00:07:31,065
Up to there, massive!
208
00:07:31,071 --> 00:07:33,931
- Will everybody just stop
talking about penises?
209
00:07:33,926 --> 00:07:36,426
Are you obsessed with penises?
210
00:07:37,519 --> 00:07:38,449
- There's boobs as well.
211
00:07:38,450 --> 00:07:39,700
- I don't care!
212
00:07:40,658 --> 00:07:41,908
- This is BBC1.
213
00:07:42,835 --> 00:07:45,415
(lively music)
214
00:07:49,152 --> 00:07:52,902
- Hello, welcome to The
Day After Today's Planet.
215
00:07:52,895 --> 00:07:55,995
I'm Martina Falcourt Prickly Coppermount
216
00:07:55,997 --> 00:07:58,487
and these are called CDs.
217
00:07:58,488 --> 00:08:00,108
- [All] Ooh!
218
00:08:00,108 --> 00:08:02,388
- And this is BBC2.
219
00:08:02,387 --> 00:08:03,567
- [Announcer] Keeping
up the trend with all
220
00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:06,560
the latest fashions on BBC2, it's
221
00:08:06,562 --> 00:08:07,982
The Clothes Show.
222
00:08:09,288 --> 00:08:10,458
- This is UTV.
223
00:08:11,666 --> 00:08:13,496
- [Announcer] Now on UTV we go live
224
00:08:13,499 --> 00:08:16,439
to Belfast for the main evening news.
225
00:08:16,437 --> 00:08:17,727
- [All] Huh?
226
00:08:17,729 --> 00:08:18,959
- And that's it.
227
00:08:18,963 --> 00:08:20,603
- But what about that button, Bridget?
228
00:08:20,601 --> 00:08:21,981
- Oh no, there's nothing there.
229
00:08:21,975 --> 00:08:23,735
I made sure nothing was on there.
230
00:08:23,742 --> 00:08:25,042
Sure, look!
231
00:08:25,036 --> 00:08:27,466
(gasps)
232
00:08:27,466 --> 00:08:29,746
- [Woman] Now on Channel
Four, we explore the
233
00:08:29,751 --> 00:08:32,011
sexual influence of the Kamasutra
234
00:08:32,007 --> 00:08:33,677
on the British ice-cream industry.
235
00:08:33,681 --> 00:08:34,991
- Jesus Christ!
236
00:08:34,991 --> 00:08:37,571
- [All] No, no, no, no, no, no!
237
00:08:39,214 --> 00:08:43,534
- Bridget, leave it on,
just in case there's a, a--
238
00:08:43,526 --> 00:08:44,596
- A programme about Ireland!
239
00:08:44,602 --> 00:08:46,602
- [Women] Yes, yes, yes!
240
00:08:46,599 --> 00:08:48,059
- Sure I can just put on RTE for that.
241
00:08:48,063 --> 00:08:49,983
- [All] No, no, no, no!
242
00:08:51,352 --> 00:08:53,632
- Bridget, a lot of people have family
243
00:08:53,626 --> 00:08:56,596
in Britain and they might pop up.
244
00:08:56,603 --> 00:08:58,923
- On the sexual nature of ice-cream?
245
00:08:58,922 --> 00:09:01,032
I can't have that filth on in my house!
246
00:09:01,028 --> 00:09:04,268
- Yeah, yeah, but it might be educational!
247
00:09:04,269 --> 00:09:06,099
- [All] Yes, yes, yes!
248
00:09:07,581 --> 00:09:09,001
- Two minutes!
249
00:09:08,997 --> 00:09:10,627
- [Man] By placing the cold ice-cream on
250
00:09:10,627 --> 00:09:12,057
your partner's areola...
251
00:09:12,062 --> 00:09:13,562
- Hello!
- Father!
252
00:09:15,659 --> 00:09:17,909
- What are we all watching?
253
00:09:30,126 --> 00:09:32,786
(ominous music)
254
00:09:36,249 --> 00:09:38,579
- Ooh, this looks interesting.
255
00:09:38,575 --> 00:09:40,195
A friend of mine was involved in the
256
00:09:40,197 --> 00:09:42,117
nuclear war in the 1960s.
257
00:09:42,123 --> 00:09:44,873
(doorbell rings)
258
00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:48,767
- TV license inspector.
259
00:09:48,773 --> 00:09:51,523
(locks clicking)
260
00:10:05,098 --> 00:10:05,928
- Eamon!
261
00:10:07,592 --> 00:10:09,322
Can I have you?
262
00:10:09,318 --> 00:10:10,568
- What?
263
00:10:10,573 --> 00:10:12,573
- I've something to tell you.
264
00:10:12,566 --> 00:10:13,396
- What?
265
00:10:13,399 --> 00:10:14,409
- A quick word.
266
00:10:14,413 --> 00:10:15,253
- What!
267
00:10:15,246 --> 00:10:16,406
- In the hall!
268
00:10:21,490 --> 00:10:23,620
Eamon, we've made a terrible mistake!
269
00:10:23,621 --> 00:10:25,201
- It's not our fault that
young fella is thick.
270
00:10:25,201 --> 00:10:26,581
Sure he's the height for
the Guards to get in!
271
00:10:26,576 --> 00:10:30,406
- No, the TV license
inspector is at the door!
272
00:10:31,821 --> 00:10:33,711
- Calm down, okay?
273
00:10:33,713 --> 00:10:35,133
The last thing we need now is to
274
00:10:35,129 --> 00:10:37,799
send the whole house into panic.
275
00:10:40,633 --> 00:10:42,023
Anybody here have a television license?
276
00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:44,266
(laughing)
277
00:11:01,889 --> 00:11:03,849
The TV license inspector is at the door.
278
00:11:03,848 --> 00:11:06,178
(screaming)
279
00:11:18,630 --> 00:11:20,750
- Father Gabriel, surely you have one?
280
00:11:20,749 --> 00:11:23,049
- Of course I have a TV license!
281
00:11:23,049 --> 00:11:24,059
If I didn't have a TV license,
282
00:11:24,059 --> 00:11:25,709
I wouldn't be watching
The Angeles every day!
283
00:11:25,706 --> 00:11:26,536
It's in my jacket.
284
00:11:26,539 --> 00:11:27,429
I must have dropped it.
285
00:11:27,427 --> 00:11:28,297
It's probably in the hallway.
286
00:11:28,301 --> 00:11:30,301
- Relax, Father.
287
00:11:30,296 --> 00:11:31,366
Who, in their right mind,
288
00:11:31,366 --> 00:11:33,116
has a television license?
289
00:11:33,123 --> 00:11:36,443
- Oh God, what am I going to do?
290
00:11:36,437 --> 00:11:37,347
We have to go, we have to flee,
291
00:11:37,349 --> 00:11:38,399
we have to leave right now.
292
00:11:38,401 --> 00:11:41,721
- I know him, he's the worst of them.
293
00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:42,620
When he gets the scent of an
294
00:11:42,620 --> 00:11:46,550
unlicensed TV, he's
like a rabid rottweiler.
295
00:11:46,545 --> 00:11:48,625
He never gives up, never.
296
00:11:49,698 --> 00:11:52,308
His eyes are black and emotionless,
297
00:11:52,306 --> 00:11:55,386
like a shark when he's about to bite.
298
00:11:59,122 --> 00:11:59,962
- Hello?
299
00:12:03,610 --> 00:12:06,260
- Do you remember the siege of Limerick?
300
00:12:06,263 --> 00:12:08,533
Two years we were in that house.
301
00:12:08,531 --> 00:12:10,991
Two years, there was 14 of us.
302
00:12:10,990 --> 00:12:13,660
With not a license between us.
303
00:12:13,661 --> 00:12:16,781
Suddenly there was no sign of him.
304
00:12:16,781 --> 00:12:18,221
Two weeks went past,
305
00:12:18,222 --> 00:12:20,352
then another two.
306
00:12:20,349 --> 00:12:22,529
It was all quiet.
307
00:12:22,531 --> 00:12:23,531
- Too quiet?
308
00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:26,120
- Fairly quiet.
309
00:12:27,593 --> 00:12:29,373
And no one knows who did it.
310
00:12:29,371 --> 00:12:31,471
Someone opened the front door.
311
00:12:31,472 --> 00:12:33,572
Probably one of the pregnant women.
312
00:12:33,574 --> 00:12:34,974
- Women!
313
00:12:34,965 --> 00:12:36,275
- We were out in the front garden,
314
00:12:36,279 --> 00:12:37,649
the 14 of us, in groups of two
315
00:12:37,654 --> 00:12:38,854
and three hugging each other.
316
00:12:38,847 --> 00:12:40,287
We thought we'd made it.
317
00:12:40,286 --> 00:12:42,376
No one saw it coming.
318
00:12:42,375 --> 00:12:43,935
Suddenly he struck.
319
00:12:43,938 --> 00:12:46,518
He fined us one by one, all 14.
320
00:12:48,646 --> 00:12:51,056
Even the dog got done.
321
00:12:51,062 --> 00:12:52,962
- Oh, oh, I have to go!
322
00:12:52,963 --> 00:12:54,433
Abandon house!
323
00:12:54,428 --> 00:12:56,438
Every man, woman and priest for himself!
324
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:57,953
- Father Gabriel!
325
00:12:57,952 --> 00:12:59,252
Snap out of it!
326
00:12:59,253 --> 00:13:02,503
Look, we can beat this, we can do this.
327
00:13:05,404 --> 00:13:06,934
But we have to be brave.
328
00:13:06,930 --> 00:13:09,310
We have to stay united.
329
00:13:09,305 --> 00:13:11,965
And, most importantly, no one is
330
00:13:12,818 --> 00:13:14,988
getting out of this house.
331
00:13:17,951 --> 00:13:20,191
- I've never seen Bridget so angry.
332
00:13:20,190 --> 00:13:22,150
- Angry, that's nothing.
333
00:13:22,150 --> 00:13:23,330
You want to see what she did to me
334
00:13:23,334 --> 00:13:26,254
when I said I didn't fancy Johnny Logan!
335
00:13:26,251 --> 00:13:27,081
- Oh!
336
00:13:27,927 --> 00:13:29,087
- This is war!
337
00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:33,347
(explosion booms)
338
00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:35,426
I've always wanted to say that!
339
00:13:35,431 --> 00:13:38,201
But it is very important.
340
00:13:38,196 --> 00:13:39,526
- Anyone, hello?
341
00:13:43,809 --> 00:13:45,479
I'll just wait here.
342
00:13:57,846 --> 00:14:00,656
- What are you going to
do when this is over?
343
00:14:00,655 --> 00:14:04,485
- Probably spend more
time with the kids, you?
344
00:14:05,559 --> 00:14:07,909
- I've always wanted to travel.
345
00:14:07,909 --> 00:14:10,629
Maybe go shopping in Naas!
346
00:14:10,628 --> 00:14:13,888
- I've heard it's a nice place to shop.
347
00:14:13,894 --> 00:14:16,544
- What about you, Noreen?
348
00:14:16,544 --> 00:14:18,964
- I've always wanted to
give that heroin a taste.
349
00:14:18,957 --> 00:14:21,287
- You could probably get that in Naas!
350
00:14:21,293 --> 00:14:23,173
We could all get the bus, bring the kids.
351
00:14:23,165 --> 00:14:25,245
Make a day of it, Dolores.
352
00:14:25,246 --> 00:14:27,416
- Buses give me terrible constipation,
353
00:14:27,416 --> 00:14:29,326
but that would be nice.
354
00:14:30,199 --> 00:14:31,799
- No-one is getting out of here,
355
00:14:31,797 --> 00:14:33,667
but as we say at three
a.m. in the chipper,
356
00:14:33,674 --> 00:14:36,004
you can make the best of a bad lot
357
00:14:35,996 --> 00:14:38,456
if you've got the Knorr-how.
358
00:14:38,456 --> 00:14:39,616
Three sachets.
359
00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:43,561
No need to fight, ladies.
360
00:14:45,925 --> 00:14:48,065
Look, I'm sorry it has to be you but
361
00:14:48,074 --> 00:14:49,664
someone has got to go.
362
00:14:49,658 --> 00:14:51,378
- Do you want a drop of
whiskey before you head out?
363
00:14:51,378 --> 00:14:52,798
- Oh, stop your whingeing!
364
00:14:52,802 --> 00:14:54,062
I'll take that.
365
00:14:54,057 --> 00:14:57,037
- Right, go out to the
door and tell the man
366
00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:59,790
that Mommy and Daddy aren't here.
367
00:15:00,826 --> 00:15:01,656
Go on.
368
00:15:01,659 --> 00:15:02,739
- Go, go, go!
369
00:15:05,602 --> 00:15:07,522
Go on, go on, good lad.
370
00:15:10,764 --> 00:15:12,424
- Mommy and Daddy told me to tell you
371
00:15:12,421 --> 00:15:14,251
that they're not here.
372
00:15:16,225 --> 00:15:18,215
- That's enough, that's enough.
373
00:15:18,221 --> 00:15:19,051
- Oh Jesus.
374
00:15:19,054 --> 00:15:21,644
- That's enough, that's enough.
375
00:15:24,498 --> 00:15:25,328
Fuck!
376
00:15:25,331 --> 00:15:27,501
(screams)
377
00:15:32,304 --> 00:15:33,724
Come on, come on!
378
00:15:36,511 --> 00:15:38,221
We're going to need a bigger child!
379
00:15:38,218 --> 00:15:39,918
- I'm going to need another cigarette!
380
00:15:39,915 --> 00:15:42,665
(dramatic music)
381
00:15:56,850 --> 00:15:58,330
Oh Jesus!
382
00:15:58,328 --> 00:15:59,158
No!
383
00:16:01,015 --> 00:16:03,425
- Bridget, this is important.
384
00:16:04,401 --> 00:16:06,791
Barton, my first cousin, his
385
00:16:06,794 --> 00:16:09,044
daughter's husband's uncle,
386
00:16:10,554 --> 00:16:12,464
what would that make him to me now?
387
00:16:12,457 --> 00:16:13,847
- Second cousin!
388
00:16:13,851 --> 00:16:16,081
- No, that can't be right.
389
00:16:16,078 --> 00:16:19,828
My first cousin's
daughter's husband's uncle.
390
00:16:21,609 --> 00:16:24,219
- No, he's your second
cousin once removed.
391
00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:25,987
- No, no, no, no.
392
00:16:25,988 --> 00:16:28,658
My first cousin, his father's...
393
00:16:30,135 --> 00:16:31,305
no, his daughter's...
394
00:16:31,314 --> 00:16:32,154
- Eamon!
- What?
395
00:16:32,147 --> 00:16:32,977
- Shut up!
396
00:16:32,980 --> 00:16:34,830
- No, Bridget, this is important.
397
00:16:34,826 --> 00:16:37,236
My first cousin Martin, his
398
00:16:37,237 --> 00:16:40,177
daughter's uncle's husband--
399
00:16:40,179 --> 00:16:43,759
- Is your first cousin's
cousin twice removed.
400
00:16:43,761 --> 00:16:44,591
- No.
401
00:16:44,594 --> 00:16:46,344
He's your great-second
cousin on your side.
402
00:16:46,339 --> 00:16:49,369
- No, he's your third nephew once removed.
403
00:16:49,369 --> 00:16:51,199
- I have it, it's you!
404
00:16:52,148 --> 00:16:53,718
You see, if you went back in time
405
00:16:53,717 --> 00:16:56,147
and had relations with your second cousin.
406
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:58,189
- John the Baptist was Jesus's cousin.
407
00:16:58,185 --> 00:17:00,095
- No, it's definitely Eamon.
408
00:17:00,098 --> 00:17:02,848
(all chattering)
409
00:17:04,221 --> 00:17:07,091
- It is definitely Eamon for sure!
410
00:17:07,091 --> 00:17:07,921
- Concepta!
411
00:17:07,924 --> 00:17:08,894
How could he be me?
412
00:17:08,886 --> 00:17:11,466
He's out there, I'm in here, I'm me!
413
00:17:11,472 --> 00:17:12,542
- Do I know him?
414
00:17:12,539 --> 00:17:15,049
- Yeah, he was at our wedding.
415
00:17:15,050 --> 00:17:17,020
He has the gammy eye and the hairy neck.
416
00:17:17,020 --> 00:17:20,340
He looks like he's wearing
a scarf permanently.
417
00:17:20,339 --> 00:17:22,099
- [Bridget] Did he vote Fine Gael once?
418
00:17:22,099 --> 00:17:24,179
- Yeah, yeah, that's him.
419
00:17:26,289 --> 00:17:30,469
Look, Bridget, he's outside
now in his Fiat Ritmo.
420
00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:32,906
He's got half a tank full of petrol.
421
00:17:32,906 --> 00:17:35,426
He's going to bring you to Leitrim, okay?
422
00:17:35,433 --> 00:17:36,693
And you'll be safe there.
423
00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:38,019
- Leitrim, safe?
424
00:17:39,415 --> 00:17:40,915
- Bridget, please.
425
00:17:42,742 --> 00:17:44,632
- I'm not leaving, Eamon.
426
00:17:44,629 --> 00:17:47,109
You can't get rid of me that easily.
427
00:17:47,114 --> 00:17:50,454
It'll be grand once the messages arrive.
428
00:17:52,446 --> 00:17:54,966
- The messages aren't coming.
429
00:17:54,970 --> 00:17:56,270
- They are.
430
00:17:56,270 --> 00:17:57,910
I sent the three girls for them, Eamon.
431
00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,930
They're coming.
432
00:17:59,933 --> 00:18:02,023
- The three girls barely
made it down the driveway.
433
00:18:02,020 --> 00:18:03,350
The inspector...
434
00:18:04,873 --> 00:18:07,573
- The messages will come.
435
00:18:07,574 --> 00:18:09,744
The girls will bring them!
436
00:18:11,486 --> 00:18:12,486
- The girls are gone.
437
00:18:12,491 --> 00:18:14,701
The eldest is dead, Bridget!
438
00:18:14,702 --> 00:18:15,542
- Is she not just out there in the
439
00:18:15,535 --> 00:18:17,695
back of the inspector's car?
440
00:18:17,704 --> 00:18:19,834
- She's as good as dead.
441
00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:20,672
- Okay.
442
00:18:21,854 --> 00:18:23,944
- Eamon, I'm not leaving.
443
00:18:25,186 --> 00:18:27,186
You can find me a fag around this house.
444
00:18:27,188 --> 00:18:29,218
You just need to go and have a look.
445
00:18:29,216 --> 00:18:32,446
- Bridget, listen to me, please.
446
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:34,295
Go with my cousin to Leitrim.
447
00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:35,610
You can stop in a petrol station
448
00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:38,094
along the way and buy as
many fags as you want.
449
00:18:38,090 --> 00:18:39,010
Please!
450
00:18:39,007 --> 00:18:41,237
- No, Eamon, it's okay.
451
00:18:41,235 --> 00:18:44,295
I'm not going, I'm staying.
452
00:18:44,303 --> 00:18:47,333
You go find me a fag, go, go, go.
453
00:18:47,328 --> 00:18:49,138
- Bridget, there are
no fags in this house.
454
00:18:49,136 --> 00:18:49,966
- Yes, there are.
455
00:18:49,969 --> 00:18:51,009
- Bridget, there isn't.
456
00:18:51,013 --> 00:18:53,433
- You can find them,
you can, I know you can.
457
00:18:53,431 --> 00:18:54,351
Go, go, go!
458
00:19:05,882 --> 00:19:06,922
Eamon!
459
00:19:06,919 --> 00:19:09,109
Did you see the cobweb up there!
460
00:19:09,108 --> 00:19:10,608
I'm getting at that now.
461
00:19:10,610 --> 00:19:12,280
I am going to do it!
462
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:23,443
- Bridget, I have some very grave news.
463
00:19:24,324 --> 00:19:26,344
We searched in behind this couch here,
464
00:19:26,339 --> 00:19:27,789
in between the arms of this chair
465
00:19:27,793 --> 00:19:29,443
here and behind that couch.
466
00:19:29,439 --> 00:19:31,579
We checked in between the arms of
467
00:19:31,579 --> 00:19:33,409
this chair here, nothing there.
468
00:19:33,408 --> 00:19:36,848
We went in behind that
couch, on the television.
469
00:19:36,846 --> 00:19:37,906
We even went upstairs and went and
470
00:19:37,907 --> 00:19:41,267
went around some of the children's rooms.
471
00:19:41,274 --> 00:19:42,364
We tried the good room.
472
00:19:42,363 --> 00:19:43,693
Over the dresser.
473
00:19:43,690 --> 00:19:45,110
Couldn't find anything.
474
00:19:45,107 --> 00:19:47,017
We can't find anything.
475
00:19:48,401 --> 00:19:50,631
We called off the search around
476
00:19:50,633 --> 00:19:53,303
seven o'clock to watch MacGyver.
477
00:19:55,276 --> 00:19:56,966
- No problem, just get the duty-free
478
00:19:56,966 --> 00:20:00,376
boxes from under the sink in the kitchen.
479
00:20:03,782 --> 00:20:04,782
- Bridget...
480
00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:07,920
- You smoked the last of the
481
00:20:07,917 --> 00:20:10,367
duty-frees this morning.
482
00:20:10,370 --> 00:20:12,620
There's no cigarettes left.
483
00:20:26,725 --> 00:20:30,885
- Anyone who thinks I should
cut down anyway, leave now!
484
00:20:39,411 --> 00:20:41,991
Frank, Eamon, Father, you stay.
485
00:20:46,667 --> 00:20:47,827
No cigarettes?
486
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:53,340
Huh, nine, nine, nine boxes of cigarettes
487
00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:56,347
I had under that sink!
488
00:20:56,352 --> 00:20:58,172
Who didn't tell me about this?
489
00:20:58,169 --> 00:20:59,669
How did you let this happen?
490
00:20:59,665 --> 00:21:02,355
Why wasn't I told about this sooner?
491
00:21:02,356 --> 00:21:04,496
Do you know what's going
to happen to me now?
492
00:21:04,501 --> 00:21:06,741
I'm going to blow up like a balloon!
493
00:21:06,738 --> 00:21:09,278
I'll be 19 stone by tomorrow!
494
00:21:09,280 --> 00:21:12,390
You'll have to roll me
out of here in a tent!
495
00:21:12,390 --> 00:21:15,510
- But Bridget, you could
take up a sport or a hobby.
496
00:21:15,505 --> 00:21:16,335
- A hobby!
497
00:21:18,289 --> 00:21:20,099
I'm not a Protestant!
498
00:21:20,104 --> 00:21:21,164
- That's outrageous!
499
00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:22,920
Basketball is getting fierce popular
500
00:21:22,924 --> 00:21:24,244
in the country at the moment.
501
00:21:24,237 --> 00:21:25,527
- Basketball!
502
00:21:25,529 --> 00:21:27,629
And what am I going to
do with a basketball
503
00:21:27,631 --> 00:21:29,271
when I'm making the dinner?
504
00:21:29,270 --> 00:21:31,060
Am I going to play basketball when
505
00:21:31,057 --> 00:21:33,637
I'm hoovering the kids
or washing the floor?
506
00:21:33,638 --> 00:21:34,468
Basketball!
507
00:21:34,471 --> 00:21:37,021
I'll destroy every ornament in the house!
508
00:21:37,020 --> 00:21:39,720
My house will look worse than Concepta's!
509
00:21:39,724 --> 00:21:41,644
(sobs)
510
00:21:52,506 --> 00:21:55,236
Everyone knows I smoke.
511
00:21:55,235 --> 00:21:58,455
Bridget, choppy-changey hair,
512
00:21:58,462 --> 00:22:00,612
glasses, keeps a good house,
513
00:22:00,606 --> 00:22:03,106
six to eight children, smokes.
514
00:22:04,351 --> 00:22:06,021
(sighs)
515
00:22:06,015 --> 00:22:08,515
What am I without a fag, only
516
00:22:08,522 --> 00:22:11,662
a small-minded woman with notions?
517
00:22:11,657 --> 00:22:12,907
What will I do?
518
00:22:15,830 --> 00:22:18,190
I'll be forced to read a book!
519
00:22:18,185 --> 00:22:19,705
(sobs)
520
00:22:19,707 --> 00:22:20,737
- She doesn't mean it.
521
00:22:20,742 --> 00:22:22,832
She's not that desperate!
522
00:22:27,349 --> 00:22:28,349
- It's over.
523
00:22:34,048 --> 00:22:36,468
- I think she took that well!
524
00:22:38,551 --> 00:22:40,721
(screams)
525
00:22:43,387 --> 00:22:45,047
- I'm getting a fag!
526
00:22:49,032 --> 00:22:50,872
- Sorry for your loss.
527
00:22:56,577 --> 00:22:59,407
- Thanks, mate, thanks for coming.
528
00:23:02,339 --> 00:23:05,919
I'll never forget the
first time I saw you.
529
00:23:07,765 --> 00:23:09,705
(sobs)
530
00:23:09,707 --> 00:23:12,037
You changed my life forever.
531
00:23:13,083 --> 00:23:14,923
I'll never forget you.
532
00:23:16,454 --> 00:23:17,374
I love you.
533
00:23:21,824 --> 00:23:23,964
- Are you the owner of this house?
534
00:23:23,955 --> 00:23:27,705
- Yes, I am, and we
don't have a TV any more.
535
00:23:31,956 --> 00:23:36,116
And 34 pounds for a license,
it's a thundering disgrace!
536
00:23:38,284 --> 00:23:41,624
- And how much did that TV set cost you?
537
00:23:41,623 --> 00:23:45,043
- 614 pounds, I haven't even it paid off.
538
00:23:46,764 --> 00:23:47,604
Aw, shh...
539
00:23:49,273 --> 00:23:50,613
- And your first cousin's daughter's
540
00:23:50,605 --> 00:23:54,355
husband's uncle is no
relation to you at all.
541
00:23:56,355 --> 00:23:57,765
(sobbing)
542
00:23:57,765 --> 00:23:58,595
No!
543
00:23:59,513 --> 00:24:00,353
No!
544
00:24:01,313 --> 00:24:04,423
No, no, Frank, let go of me!
545
00:24:04,417 --> 00:24:05,247
- No relation?
546
00:24:05,250 --> 00:24:07,180
And you had him at our wedding.
547
00:24:07,178 --> 00:24:08,638
- Will you shut up!
548
00:24:08,641 --> 00:24:09,501
Stick on One there.
549
00:24:09,495 --> 00:24:11,505
MacGyver is starting.
550
00:24:11,505 --> 00:24:12,675
- We don't have One.
551
00:24:12,681 --> 00:24:14,101
We only have Two.
552
00:24:14,963 --> 00:24:17,103
- Well, I'm not watching
RTE2 for the rest of my life.
553
00:24:17,095 --> 00:24:19,765
It's full of women wearing dungarees!
554
00:24:19,767 --> 00:24:22,827
- I can get you a newish TV for nothing,
555
00:24:22,828 --> 00:24:26,078
but you'll have to do something for me.
556
00:24:28,537 --> 00:24:30,387
Yeah, rub it in, rub it in,
557
00:24:30,393 --> 00:24:33,023
cover the chest, cover the chest.
558
00:24:33,022 --> 00:24:36,262
I'm liking that, liking that a lot.
559
00:24:36,259 --> 00:24:38,169
Oh yeah, you've done this before.
560
00:24:38,170 --> 00:24:39,870
You are the best.
561
00:24:39,866 --> 00:24:42,146
- I don't feel comfortable with this.
562
00:24:42,149 --> 00:24:45,649
- Shut up, Bridget, it's for a free telly!
563
00:25:13,644 --> 00:25:16,894
- You are an Angel and I am Delight-ed!
564
00:25:18,377 --> 00:25:19,207
- Weirdos!
565
00:25:19,257 --> 00:25:23,807
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