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1
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(indistinct voice on TV)
2
00:00:01,973 --> 00:00:03,643
- See what's on two.
3
00:00:05,955 --> 00:00:07,545
- [TV Announcer]
Blackcurrant juice disappear
4
00:00:07,549 --> 00:00:10,039
first time all of the time.
5
00:00:10,042 --> 00:00:11,712
- See what's on one.
6
00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:19,170
- [TV Actor] He took
me to Blackrock Castle.
7
00:00:19,167 --> 00:00:20,577
- Go back to Two.
8
00:00:23,101 --> 00:00:25,261
- [TV Commercial] To
professional quality--
9
00:00:25,261 --> 00:00:28,351
It's just adds, go back to one.
10
00:00:28,352 --> 00:00:32,352
- [TV Actor] So he's got
a job and he's at home.
11
00:00:34,581 --> 00:00:37,541
- See what's on two.
- Shut up!
12
00:00:37,539 --> 00:00:40,369
(energetic music)
13
00:01:00,285 --> 00:01:02,615
(muttering)
14
00:01:04,458 --> 00:01:05,708
- Get up Eamon!
15
00:01:06,848 --> 00:01:08,318
I've my Tupperware party tonight.
16
00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:10,410
I've only 11 hours to clean the place.
17
00:01:10,414 --> 00:01:12,314
- I am asleep, Bridget.
18
00:01:12,307 --> 00:01:14,907
- You're not, Eamon; get up!
19
00:01:14,910 --> 00:01:16,820
You know what happened to
Big Phil couple of weeks ago
20
00:01:16,820 --> 00:01:19,160
when Noreen spotted that
dust on her curtains.
21
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:20,050
- She died.
22
00:01:20,045 --> 00:01:21,275
- [Bridget] She died of shame.
23
00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:22,492
- She didn't die of shame, Bridget.
24
00:01:22,489 --> 00:01:23,819
She died because she took the cocaine
25
00:01:23,816 --> 00:01:26,156
on her 94th birthday for
the first time in her life.
26
00:01:26,156 --> 00:01:27,216
That's why she died.
27
00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:28,601
- [Bridget] She died of shame, same thing.
28
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:30,650
- Ssh. I want to get the headlines.
29
00:01:30,653 --> 00:01:32,493
- [Radio Announcer] A group of activists
30
00:01:32,486 --> 00:01:34,446
called the Pophylactic ICA tried to
31
00:01:34,449 --> 00:01:38,299
smuggle thousands of condoms,
street named rubber jonses
32
00:01:38,297 --> 00:01:39,747
- I don't have time for this.
33
00:01:39,753 --> 00:01:41,593
Get up and mind those kids.
34
00:01:41,586 --> 00:01:44,666
(children screaming)
35
00:01:58,462 --> 00:01:59,732
- Hi Bridget!
36
00:01:59,734 --> 00:02:01,224
- Oh hello Father, come in, sit down.
37
00:02:01,217 --> 00:02:02,757
Here, have a fry.
38
00:02:02,761 --> 00:02:04,161
- Oh lovely.
39
00:02:04,157 --> 00:02:06,647
Now, I've been flicking
through the latest trends,
40
00:02:06,653 --> 00:02:08,163
just to try and get inspired.
41
00:02:08,161 --> 00:02:09,861
And I've a few ideas percolating around
42
00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:11,483
my head for something
you might wear tonight.
43
00:02:11,475 --> 00:02:13,235
But I have to ask you
44
00:02:13,243 --> 00:02:15,263
for the parish newsletter fashion pages.
45
00:02:15,257 --> 00:02:17,197
Are you getting the hair done?
46
00:02:17,195 --> 00:02:18,755
- Of course I am.
47
00:02:18,755 --> 00:02:21,155
Now, I'm thinking I want
something pure modern.
48
00:02:21,161 --> 00:02:23,291
I want loads of body
but but not a bouffant.
49
00:02:23,293 --> 00:02:25,383
Something choppy-changey.
50
00:02:26,711 --> 00:02:29,691
- Now, Eamon, a quick word
about this year's charity box.
51
00:02:29,689 --> 00:02:32,169
We don't want a repeat of
what happened last year.
52
00:02:32,171 --> 00:02:36,471
That child, Kuna Ungugu,
flew 5,000 miles to
53
00:02:36,472 --> 00:02:38,842
personally pick up your Trocaire box,
54
00:02:38,841 --> 00:02:40,571
and what was in it, Eamon?
55
00:02:40,571 --> 00:02:41,831
What was in it?
56
00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:42,919
Semtex.
57
00:02:42,923 --> 00:02:45,273
And I've said before, I don't
care where you got it from.
58
00:02:45,265 --> 00:02:49,305
The poor starving children
need money, Eamon.
59
00:02:49,305 --> 00:02:53,135
Now, get my lips around
one of these big boys.
60
00:02:57,433 --> 00:02:58,443
- Now.
61
00:02:58,444 --> 00:02:59,424
- Sure that's dangerous.
62
00:02:59,419 --> 00:03:01,889
You'd have young lads drowning
themselves just so they can
63
00:03:01,887 --> 00:03:04,037
get a good feel up from a woman.
64
00:03:04,035 --> 00:03:05,575
- What are you doing still here?
65
00:03:05,583 --> 00:03:07,353
I don't want you here for my
Tupperware party, get out.
66
00:03:07,351 --> 00:03:09,331
- Have you been inhaling hairspray again?
67
00:03:09,327 --> 00:03:11,217
Because I've told you
on several occasions,
68
00:03:11,223 --> 00:03:13,443
I don't want to do anything,
69
00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,353
I don't want to go anywhere.
70
00:03:15,345 --> 00:03:17,655
- I can make 20 pounds a week.
71
00:03:17,657 --> 00:03:18,927
(doorbell ringing)
72
00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:20,813
- Come on in ladies!
73
00:03:20,805 --> 00:03:22,155
I hope none of ye left
your purses at home.
74
00:03:22,157 --> 00:03:24,097
You're very welcome to
the 20 pounds a pers,
75
00:03:24,095 --> 00:03:26,345
Sorry, plastic shite party.
76
00:03:29,964 --> 00:03:32,554
- God, you have to hand it to her.
77
00:03:32,553 --> 00:03:35,443
The sophistication around here.
78
00:03:35,438 --> 00:03:37,308
Look at how clean her curtains are.
79
00:03:37,310 --> 00:03:38,740
- She didn't do them herself.
80
00:03:38,741 --> 00:03:40,151
I hear she gets someone
else in to do them.
81
00:03:40,146 --> 00:03:42,196
- Ladies, Father.
82
00:03:42,198 --> 00:03:45,028
Help yourself to a Mint, Viscount.
83
00:03:45,956 --> 00:03:48,676
Now, Don't be shy, there's
plenty more where that came from.
84
00:03:48,684 --> 00:03:51,194
Noreen, Dolores, Concepta.
85
00:03:51,194 --> 00:03:55,364
Ah yes, the Mint Viscount
are very nice indeed but
86
00:03:56,310 --> 00:03:59,060
have you tried the other variety?
87
00:04:01,726 --> 00:04:03,916
- [Father Gabe] The legends are true.
88
00:04:03,923 --> 00:04:05,213
- Where did you get those?
89
00:04:05,210 --> 00:04:06,460
- Mace of course.
90
00:04:06,458 --> 00:04:08,518
Father, will you do the honors?
91
00:04:08,524 --> 00:04:12,674
- (echoing) Dear Lord, please
bless these Orange Viscount.
92
00:04:12,668 --> 00:04:16,658
We are truly blessed to be
feasting upon the Mint Variety
93
00:04:16,663 --> 00:04:21,283
but to have the orange
flavor is truly an occasion.
94
00:04:21,278 --> 00:04:22,918
In the name of the Father,
the son and the Holy Ghost.
95
00:04:22,916 --> 00:04:23,866
(floorboard creaking)
96
00:04:23,871 --> 00:04:25,951
- Eamon, come here to me!
97
00:04:31,301 --> 00:04:32,131
Eamon?
98
00:04:37,286 --> 00:04:39,036
- Now ladies.
99
00:04:39,044 --> 00:04:41,384
Before I open this box,
I just want you to know
100
00:04:41,384 --> 00:04:44,914
that no cheap plastic has
been used in these products.
101
00:04:44,906 --> 00:04:49,186
They have come all the way
from England, don't you know.
102
00:04:49,194 --> 00:04:50,634
Your husbands are going to love them.
103
00:04:50,626 --> 00:04:52,166
There is nothing worse than when a man
104
00:04:52,170 --> 00:04:54,560
whips out his banana and it's all smelly.
105
00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:56,722
- Great Bridget.
106
00:04:56,724 --> 00:04:58,394
- I'll open the box.
107
00:05:01,587 --> 00:05:03,167
- What is it Bridget?
108
00:05:03,168 --> 00:05:04,668
What's in the box?
109
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,650
(screaming)
110
00:05:17,726 --> 00:05:18,776
- I'm so sorry ladies.
111
00:05:18,782 --> 00:05:20,212
There must've been a terrible mix-up.
112
00:05:20,214 --> 00:05:23,194
Here, have a Valium, here, here.
113
00:05:23,188 --> 00:05:24,878
- I knew you were into shady stuff
114
00:05:24,876 --> 00:05:28,436
with your foil covered
biscuits and your notions!
115
00:05:28,444 --> 00:05:30,614
My psoriasis is on fire already!
116
00:05:30,610 --> 00:05:31,940
- Have a Valium.
117
00:05:32,822 --> 00:05:34,282
- I can't believe you
made me look at them.
118
00:05:34,278 --> 00:05:35,498
Do you know it's a year in purgatory
119
00:05:35,498 --> 00:05:36,788
for every one of them that you see!
120
00:05:36,785 --> 00:05:38,195
That's my fecked!
121
00:05:39,712 --> 00:05:41,262
I'll be there for years.
122
00:05:41,257 --> 00:05:42,087
- But I,
123
00:05:52,287 --> 00:05:55,197
(knocking at door)
124
00:05:58,250 --> 00:06:02,250
- Bridget, I need to come
in and get some sugar.
125
00:06:03,138 --> 00:06:06,898
- I'm sure I have half
a teaspoon if I look.
126
00:06:06,896 --> 00:06:08,316
- Bridget, I was wondering
if it'd at all be possible
127
00:06:08,324 --> 00:06:10,284
to purchase, purely for
educational purposes,
128
00:06:10,284 --> 00:06:11,954
for a friend of mine actually,
129
00:06:11,948 --> 00:06:14,438
one of those rubber sleeping bags.
130
00:06:14,436 --> 00:06:15,336
- What?
131
00:06:15,344 --> 00:06:17,234
- The diving suits.
132
00:06:17,230 --> 00:06:20,100
You know, the tail sheath.
133
00:06:20,104 --> 00:06:21,724
Joybag, French letter.
134
00:06:21,723 --> 00:06:22,563
- What?
135
00:06:22,556 --> 00:06:23,816
- Protestant pleasure pack.
136
00:06:23,820 --> 00:06:24,850
- A condom?
137
00:06:24,846 --> 00:06:26,246
- And money's no object.
138
00:06:26,247 --> 00:06:27,367
You know full well I got
139
00:06:27,370 --> 00:06:29,420
the children's allowance this morning.
140
00:06:29,422 --> 00:06:32,662
I'm also willing to part
with my signed Johnny.
141
00:06:32,657 --> 00:06:34,127
A Johnny for a johnny.
142
00:06:34,133 --> 00:06:38,223
(knocking at door)
- Hide, hide.
143
00:06:40,146 --> 00:06:42,496
- I'll cut to the chase Bridget.
144
00:06:42,495 --> 00:06:44,615
The rubber johnnies, what are they for?
145
00:06:44,618 --> 00:06:47,188
- A man puts it on when you have,
146
00:06:47,187 --> 00:06:48,017
relations.
147
00:06:48,906 --> 00:06:49,836
- Like your cousin?
148
00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:51,390
- Sexual relations.
149
00:06:51,386 --> 00:06:52,916
- You mean your cousin.
150
00:06:52,924 --> 00:06:54,814
- You have no idea what
I'm talking about, do you?
151
00:06:54,810 --> 00:06:58,960
- I'll give you 15 pounds
for two, 20 for three.
152
00:06:58,956 --> 00:07:00,266
- I am disgusted.
153
00:07:00,270 --> 00:07:01,730
You would think I would give you
154
00:07:01,726 --> 00:07:04,196
three of those yokes for twenty?
155
00:07:04,197 --> 00:07:05,597
Get in there and I'll give you four.
156
00:07:05,601 --> 00:07:08,841
- Bridget, I love what
you've done under here.
157
00:07:08,836 --> 00:07:10,976
It's just so Falcon Crest.
158
00:07:10,982 --> 00:07:12,752
I hope I get the same
deal as she's getting?
159
00:07:12,750 --> 00:07:13,580
- Get 'em!
160
00:07:15,646 --> 00:07:19,056
(fast electro pop music)
161
00:07:36,108 --> 00:07:39,438
(cash register ringing)
162
00:07:41,479 --> 00:07:44,309
(clearing throat)
163
00:07:54,192 --> 00:07:56,782
(mob shouting)
164
00:07:58,622 --> 00:08:01,292
(siren wailing)
165
00:08:09,304 --> 00:08:10,224
- How many?
166
00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:13,624
- Two, four, 12, 12 crackers.
167
00:08:15,284 --> 00:08:16,974
- I'll take it up the other end, Frank.
168
00:08:16,973 --> 00:08:18,643
- Shut up, you need them anyway.
169
00:08:18,635 --> 00:08:19,715
You mad yoke.
170
00:08:29,522 --> 00:08:31,732
- Bridget, Bridget, it's back on.
171
00:08:31,730 --> 00:08:34,420
- [TV Reporter] A condom
comes in a pack like that.
172
00:08:34,423 --> 00:08:36,393
That is the dreaded object.
173
00:08:36,386 --> 00:08:39,706
- Jesus Christ, condoms Bridget.
174
00:08:39,712 --> 00:08:40,652
- What?
175
00:08:40,650 --> 00:08:44,290
- Condoms; It's a
thundering disgrace, look.
176
00:08:44,290 --> 00:08:48,720
- [TV Reported] The condom
is made from rubber.
177
00:08:48,724 --> 00:08:52,264
- Like, are we supposed to
sit and watch this filth?
178
00:08:52,258 --> 00:08:54,738
- That's a long-sheathed Trojan.
179
00:08:54,740 --> 00:08:55,680
- What?
180
00:08:55,676 --> 00:08:58,626
- I said I'd rather listen to Larry Gogan.
181
00:08:58,632 --> 00:09:00,792
He's great, isn't he.
182
00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:02,961
(doorbell ringing)
183
00:09:02,962 --> 00:09:04,692
- Who calls to someone's house
184
00:09:04,692 --> 00:09:06,372
when The Late Late Show is on?
185
00:09:06,370 --> 00:09:07,530
- Someone must be dead.
186
00:09:07,525 --> 00:09:09,025
- Or it's the IRA.
187
00:09:16,562 --> 00:09:19,042
I've a half-naked Fierce
Handy Frank at the door,
188
00:09:19,044 --> 00:09:20,404
looking for two small ones.
189
00:09:20,396 --> 00:09:22,586
Says if he doesn't get them
soon, he's about to explode.
190
00:09:22,593 --> 00:09:25,023
- Phew, I thought it was the guards.
191
00:09:25,024 --> 00:09:26,724
- He says he wants to talk to you.
192
00:09:26,715 --> 00:09:28,305
- Here, give us a few
of them quick, will ya.
193
00:09:28,314 --> 00:09:29,794
Before she goes off the boil.
194
00:09:29,794 --> 00:09:31,264
She's after having a blood transfusion
195
00:09:31,263 --> 00:09:32,683
and if you look at her
from the right angle,
196
00:09:32,679 --> 00:09:35,359
doesn't look a day over 70.
197
00:09:35,358 --> 00:09:38,158
- Fierce Handy Frank, you must've
called to the wrong house.
198
00:09:38,155 --> 00:09:39,535
He's mad.
199
00:09:39,542 --> 00:09:42,352
Now go on out of there and
don't look in my bag that's
200
00:09:42,354 --> 00:09:45,204
hanging on the door in the hall, go on.
201
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:46,030
He's gas.
202
00:09:48,358 --> 00:09:49,858
- That's very strange.
203
00:09:49,855 --> 00:09:51,435
Why would Fierce Handy Frank be calling
204
00:09:51,438 --> 00:09:53,338
to the door during The Late Late Show?
205
00:09:53,339 --> 00:09:55,329
And why did you think it was the guards?
206
00:09:55,329 --> 00:09:56,559
- Oh Eamon.
207
00:09:56,563 --> 00:10:00,263
You see, what happened
was a package arrived--
208
00:10:00,255 --> 00:10:02,915
- I've to stop listening to you.
209
00:10:18,573 --> 00:10:19,943
What's going on in here?
210
00:10:19,936 --> 00:10:23,626
- Eamon. This isn't what it looks like.
211
00:10:23,626 --> 00:10:25,796
Okay, so you might look
at Dolores over there
212
00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:26,999
and think she's sorting out
213
00:10:26,995 --> 00:10:29,515
the multiple boxes into 3 for 20 deals.
214
00:10:29,518 --> 00:10:31,378
And okay, so Concepta might look like
215
00:10:31,379 --> 00:10:33,779
she's filtering the
small, medium and large.
216
00:10:33,782 --> 00:10:36,572
Okay, you might look at Noreen over there
217
00:10:36,565 --> 00:10:39,405
and see that she may be testing
out the fruit flavored ones
218
00:10:39,411 --> 00:10:41,401
on a selection of rolling pins, but you
219
00:10:41,401 --> 00:10:42,811
couldn't be further from the truth.
220
00:10:42,805 --> 00:10:46,615
You see, what's happening, Eamon, here is,
221
00:10:46,615 --> 00:10:48,455
I can't lie to you.
222
00:10:48,459 --> 00:10:49,289
It's true.
223
00:10:50,175 --> 00:10:52,975
I've become a condom dealer
and I've hired these bitches
224
00:10:52,983 --> 00:10:54,403
to cut down the boxes and
225
00:10:54,401 --> 00:10:55,611
I've a dozen dealers on the streets
226
00:10:55,611 --> 00:10:57,681
right now, peddling the rubber.
227
00:10:57,677 --> 00:11:00,107
- Oh Bridget, Bridget, Bridget.
228
00:11:00,107 --> 00:11:02,637
You have brought shame onto this house.
229
00:11:02,642 --> 00:11:05,752
And you know what, it's not
meself I feel sorry for.
230
00:11:05,751 --> 00:11:07,601
It's the six to eight kids that we have.
231
00:11:07,595 --> 00:11:09,615
They'll be scandalized forever.
232
00:11:09,621 --> 00:11:12,691
- I've 12 grand hidden
in the Trocaire boxes.
233
00:11:12,686 --> 00:11:14,516
- They'll get over it.
234
00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:23,850
Who knew you had it in your Bridget.
235
00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:24,809
You know what?
236
00:11:24,811 --> 00:11:25,981
I'm almost pr,
237
00:11:26,877 --> 00:11:29,007
I'm fierce, I'm pr,
238
00:11:29,008 --> 00:11:30,668
I'm prou, I'm fierce,
239
00:11:30,674 --> 00:11:32,784
I'm delighted for you now, I have to say.
240
00:11:32,784 --> 00:11:33,624
I'm delighted for you.
241
00:11:33,617 --> 00:11:34,737
As your dead mother used to say,
242
00:11:34,737 --> 00:11:36,277
Bridget, she's not great looking
243
00:11:36,279 --> 00:11:38,049
but she's fierce handy
to have around the place.
244
00:11:38,047 --> 00:11:39,497
And you know what, God rest
her soul, she was dead right.
245
00:11:39,503 --> 00:11:42,863
- Eamon, for the last time,
my mother is not dead.
246
00:11:42,858 --> 00:11:44,608
- Don't take the shine
off this for me Bridget.
247
00:11:44,613 --> 00:11:47,153
- Look at that, look at that, it's like
248
00:11:47,147 --> 00:11:49,317
children's allowance day every day.
249
00:11:49,320 --> 00:11:50,200
(knocking at door)
250
00:11:50,204 --> 00:11:51,914
- Get down!
251
00:11:51,906 --> 00:11:53,436
- [Eamon] Do something, get rid of him.
252
00:11:53,438 --> 00:11:56,128
- [Bridget] I know what to do.
253
00:11:56,128 --> 00:11:58,488
- [Father Gabe] Eamon, Eamon,
I know you're in there.
254
00:11:58,494 --> 00:12:01,714
- Oh look Eamon, Dynasty's on the telly!
255
00:12:01,710 --> 00:12:05,440
It's the one where
Blake is in his Speedos!
256
00:12:05,442 --> 00:12:06,692
He loves Blake.
257
00:12:09,498 --> 00:12:11,928
- You're going to have to do
something about that cash.
258
00:12:11,926 --> 00:12:14,496
- Relax Eamon, I know all
about money laundering.
259
00:12:14,499 --> 00:12:16,009
I gave it a good going over with the Jif
260
00:12:16,007 --> 00:12:17,267
before I stuffed it in the boxes.
261
00:12:17,269 --> 00:12:18,479
- Good, good, good.
262
00:12:18,476 --> 00:12:19,916
Now, under no circumstances are you
263
00:12:19,918 --> 00:12:21,188
to spend that money, right.
264
00:12:21,193 --> 00:12:23,273
- We don't want to be drawing
attention to ourselves.
265
00:12:23,273 --> 00:12:25,413
The last thing we want
around here is the guards,
266
00:12:25,405 --> 00:12:26,495
taking the kids off us.
267
00:12:26,497 --> 00:12:27,987
Jesus, worse, they could
take the money off us.
268
00:12:27,994 --> 00:12:30,314
- I'm no eejit Eamon.
269
00:12:30,305 --> 00:12:31,135
But look.
270
00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:33,545
We have a bigger problem.
271
00:12:33,545 --> 00:12:35,205
We're out of supplies.
272
00:12:35,206 --> 00:12:36,946
Do you know what that means?
273
00:12:36,949 --> 00:12:38,549
We're gonna have,
274
00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:40,820
We're gonna have to go,
275
00:12:40,824 --> 00:12:42,964
We're gonna have to go up north.
276
00:12:42,957 --> 00:12:43,787
- Where?
277
00:12:45,310 --> 00:12:47,000
- Up north.
278
00:12:46,999 --> 00:12:48,029
- Where?
279
00:12:48,025 --> 00:12:49,785
- Northern Ireland, Eamon.
280
00:12:49,793 --> 00:12:51,083
- Northern Ireland!
281
00:12:51,082 --> 00:12:53,142
Are you out of your tiny mind, Bridget?
282
00:12:53,135 --> 00:12:55,275
I don't speak Northern
Irish, neither do you.
283
00:12:55,278 --> 00:12:56,788
They've all got their teeth done.
284
00:12:56,789 --> 00:12:58,119
We'll stand out.
285
00:13:02,481 --> 00:13:05,101
- [Bridget] Yoo-hoo, hello!
286
00:13:05,095 --> 00:13:06,175
Hello, hello?
287
00:13:09,567 --> 00:13:13,007
- They're not going to
understand hello, Bridget.
288
00:13:13,013 --> 00:13:15,133
What about yous!
289
00:13:15,131 --> 00:13:17,861
Big bong diddly dong dong, diddly dong.
290
00:13:17,860 --> 00:13:19,770
- Jesus Christ Eamon,
that could mean anything.
291
00:13:19,773 --> 00:13:21,703
- It's better than hello, isn't it.
292
00:13:21,697 --> 00:13:24,277
- Are ye here for the condoms?
293
00:13:24,283 --> 00:13:26,373
- We want to buy condoms.
294
00:13:27,430 --> 00:13:29,250
- Look, I don't have
time for messing about.
295
00:13:29,250 --> 00:13:30,620
Are yous dealing or not?
296
00:13:30,616 --> 00:13:31,986
- I don't know what she's saying.
297
00:13:31,990 --> 00:13:35,570
- Rubber johnnies, no
baby makers, no baby.
298
00:13:37,102 --> 00:13:40,012
- It's 20 pounds for
100 of them, so it is.
299
00:13:40,014 --> 00:13:43,854
- The rain in Spain falls
mainly on the plain.
300
00:13:46,590 --> 00:13:48,340
- Give him the money.
301
00:13:51,676 --> 00:13:53,116
- [Bridget] Eamon, it's too heavy.
302
00:13:53,118 --> 00:13:55,178
- [Eamon] Stop your
bloody moaning, Bridget.
303
00:13:55,184 --> 00:13:56,934
- Okay, one more, just one more, Eamon.
304
00:13:56,928 --> 00:13:58,508
- Bridget, Bridget!
305
00:14:04,038 --> 00:14:05,288
Faster, faster!
306
00:14:06,244 --> 00:14:08,384
Faster, faster, Come on!
307
00:14:08,377 --> 00:14:10,957
Put some welly into it, faster.
308
00:14:12,071 --> 00:14:13,211
- [Bridget] Jesus Christ.
309
00:14:13,214 --> 00:14:14,054
- I told you not to smoke
310
00:14:14,047 --> 00:14:15,347
when you're pushing the car up a hill.
311
00:14:15,347 --> 00:14:16,367
You'll get a better run on it.
312
00:14:16,373 --> 00:14:18,513
- Put on Johnny, quick, put on Johnny.
313
00:14:18,512 --> 00:14:19,922
- Are you out of your tiny little mind?
314
00:14:19,923 --> 00:14:21,163
We're not across the border yet.
315
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,020
I might as well tie a tricolor the roof,
316
00:14:23,016 --> 00:14:24,156
throw the condoms out the window
317
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:25,860
and sing A Nation Once Again
at the top of my lungs.
318
00:14:25,864 --> 00:14:26,724
- Put him on.
319
00:14:26,724 --> 00:14:27,994
- Do you know what to
say now if we're stopped?
320
00:14:27,994 --> 00:14:28,834
- Yes.
321
00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:31,127
The boxes are full of communion
books for the children
322
00:14:31,130 --> 00:14:32,980
and we're going back to the orphanage.
323
00:14:32,975 --> 00:14:34,605
Look, a church.
324
00:14:34,614 --> 00:14:35,954
- Bridget, that's a Protestant church.
325
00:14:35,953 --> 00:14:37,413
- Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
326
00:14:37,409 --> 00:14:39,009
Eamon, what were we thinking!
327
00:14:39,005 --> 00:14:40,435
Smuggling, from the North!
328
00:14:40,438 --> 00:14:41,728
Oh my God Eamon.
329
00:14:41,725 --> 00:14:43,095
What's going to happen to us?
330
00:14:43,104 --> 00:14:44,174
- Will you calm down!
331
00:14:44,169 --> 00:14:45,699
- I am bloody calm!
332
00:14:45,704 --> 00:14:48,344
What's the point of being calm?
333
00:14:48,337 --> 00:14:50,407
They're going to shoot us!
334
00:14:50,412 --> 00:14:51,582
We'll be shot!
335
00:14:53,882 --> 00:14:56,472
- The road Bridget, the road!
336
00:14:56,468 --> 00:14:57,698
- It's a load of shite.
337
00:14:57,700 --> 00:15:00,080
- It can only mean one thing.
338
00:15:00,084 --> 00:15:02,404
- We're back in the south!
339
00:15:02,396 --> 00:15:06,236
♫ For the last time hold my now
340
00:15:06,244 --> 00:15:10,204
♫ Don't cry, don't say a word
341
00:15:10,196 --> 00:15:11,556
- It's a wig Bridget.
342
00:15:11,562 --> 00:15:14,062
- Well I read in the RTE
Guide, it's his own hair.
343
00:15:14,058 --> 00:15:15,668
- It's a wig Bridget.
344
00:15:15,670 --> 00:15:17,070
- Why would Bosco wear a wig?
345
00:15:17,073 --> 00:15:19,673
- Why would a grown woman be
watching kiddie's programs?
346
00:15:19,673 --> 00:15:21,663
- Now, what can I get you?
347
00:15:21,663 --> 00:15:23,913
- I'll have a pint and she'll
have a Midlands Cooler.
348
00:15:23,910 --> 00:15:24,960
- What's that again?
349
00:15:24,964 --> 00:15:27,024
- It's a West Coast Cooler
with a Smithwick's head.
350
00:15:27,020 --> 00:15:28,670
- Here, you can take it out of that.
351
00:15:28,669 --> 00:15:30,589
- I don't want your cash.
352
00:15:30,594 --> 00:15:32,884
- Any chance of some rubbers instead?
353
00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:34,310
- Rubbers, rubbers.
354
00:15:34,310 --> 00:15:36,570
- Rubbers. I think there's one
355
00:15:36,574 --> 00:15:39,074
in the kid's pencil case at home.
356
00:15:39,068 --> 00:15:40,798
- I had a rubber ducky has a child once.
357
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:42,490
- I had a rubber ball growing up.
358
00:15:42,487 --> 00:15:45,647
Isn't it fantastic, the amount
of legal uses for rubber.
359
00:15:45,646 --> 00:15:46,916
It's fantastic now.
360
00:15:46,922 --> 00:15:48,822
- Can I just say, right here, right now,
361
00:15:48,818 --> 00:15:51,528
I've never seen a condom.
362
00:15:51,534 --> 00:15:52,884
- Do you know what's great, when you're
363
00:15:52,878 --> 00:15:56,218
having a conversation and someone
totally changes the topic.
364
00:15:56,220 --> 00:15:58,140
Like, can ponies smoke?
365
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:00,602
- I know donkeys do.
366
00:16:00,602 --> 00:16:01,852
- I'll give you all the drink you want
367
00:16:01,850 --> 00:16:04,020
for three strawberry ones.
368
00:16:05,306 --> 00:16:06,626
- Do you know what, Podge.
369
00:16:06,634 --> 00:16:09,044
I never congratulated you
on not having to emigrate.
370
00:16:09,036 --> 00:16:10,846
Because there isn't a
lot of work at the moment
371
00:16:10,854 --> 00:16:12,534
and fair play to you, put it there.
372
00:16:12,525 --> 00:16:15,435
There's a banana one in the middle.
373
00:16:22,185 --> 00:16:23,845
- I have this funny feeling, Eamon.
374
00:16:23,849 --> 00:16:25,719
I don't know what it is.
375
00:16:25,719 --> 00:16:28,799
- It's happiness, Bridget, happiness.
376
00:16:29,815 --> 00:16:34,285
("Charlie's Angels" theme music on TV)
377
00:16:34,287 --> 00:16:37,207
Oh, I do like watching you in here.
378
00:16:37,213 --> 00:16:39,233
Just the two of us.
379
00:16:39,227 --> 00:16:42,137
I could look at you all night long.
380
00:16:43,127 --> 00:16:45,687
You're a thing of beauty, you know that.
381
00:16:45,689 --> 00:16:48,109
Look at the reception on you.
382
00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:50,888
- As a community, we're living
383
00:16:50,887 --> 00:16:52,417
way beyond our means.
384
00:16:52,422 --> 00:16:54,262
- Right, Before you
start your play acting,
385
00:16:54,255 --> 00:16:57,135
I know for a fact, it's not your birthday.
386
00:16:57,143 --> 00:16:58,883
- Eamon, all the kids
are playing on the road.
387
00:16:58,883 --> 00:17:01,713
We've exactly 11 minutes
before Dallas starts.
388
00:17:01,705 --> 00:17:02,875
- Bridget, we can't.
389
00:17:02,884 --> 00:17:05,124
It's the feast day of the
immaculate conception,
390
00:17:05,123 --> 00:17:06,823
according to Tunisia.
391
00:17:06,823 --> 00:17:08,443
- I haven't spent 45 minutes
392
00:17:08,438 --> 00:17:10,608
shaving my legs not to celebrate, Eamon.
393
00:17:10,611 --> 00:17:13,081
I want to celebrate, so
we're going to celebrate!
394
00:17:13,079 --> 00:17:14,999
Bridget, we have six
to eight kids already.
395
00:17:15,003 --> 00:17:17,243
If I even breathe on
you, you become pregnant.
396
00:17:17,239 --> 00:17:20,049
Like I'm as virile as JR Ewing.
397
00:17:20,047 --> 00:17:23,707
- Eamon, we can just
use one of these yokes.
398
00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:26,470
It'll stop, you know.
399
00:17:26,471 --> 00:17:29,151
Bridget, we don't even
know how these work.
400
00:17:29,147 --> 00:17:31,157
It could get stuck or explode.
401
00:17:31,162 --> 00:17:33,592
- If Concepta can manage
them, and this is a woman
402
00:17:33,593 --> 00:17:35,713
who put her good delph
into the washing machine
403
00:17:35,713 --> 00:17:37,183
and now eats her dinner off plates
404
00:17:37,183 --> 00:17:41,773
she bought at a petrol
station, then so can we.
405
00:17:41,770 --> 00:17:45,350
- Turn off the lights,
turn off the lights!
406
00:17:47,022 --> 00:17:47,982
- [Bridget] Do you want a hand?
407
00:17:47,982 --> 00:17:49,402
- [Eamon] No, it's not
a tennis racket, Jesus.
408
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,350
- [Bridget] Sorry, I'm sorry Eamon.
409
00:17:51,351 --> 00:17:53,491
- [Eamon] Will you
leave it alone, Bridget!
410
00:17:53,490 --> 00:17:55,890
- [Bridget] How does that feel?
411
00:17:55,886 --> 00:17:56,866
- [Eamon] Very tight.
412
00:17:56,874 --> 00:18:00,294
- [Bridget] Hang on, I'll get the medium.
413
00:18:01,582 --> 00:18:03,422
No, that's the medium.
414
00:18:04,479 --> 00:18:06,089
- I can't breathe properly in this.
415
00:18:06,088 --> 00:18:07,388
I can't breathe properly.
416
00:18:07,392 --> 00:18:08,822
- Eamon, I don't care.
417
00:18:08,823 --> 00:18:10,733
You won't need your
nose where you're going.
418
00:18:10,734 --> 00:18:14,634
So stop your moaning and horse it into me.
419
00:18:14,634 --> 00:18:15,954
- [Eamon] Can a man not try
420
00:18:15,954 --> 00:18:19,124
the withdrawal method in his own home?
421
00:18:20,159 --> 00:18:22,679
Do you now who's a great
woman, Bridget, the Queen.
422
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,640
I don't understand for one minute
423
00:18:24,642 --> 00:18:26,792
why she gets such bad press over here.
424
00:18:26,788 --> 00:18:28,928
She's a fine bit of stuff.
425
00:18:28,934 --> 00:18:30,214
- Do you want tea?
426
00:18:30,206 --> 00:18:32,026
- No, I'll have a coffee.
427
00:18:32,026 --> 00:18:33,626
- A coffee?
428
00:18:33,627 --> 00:18:36,017
- I had the strangest dream last night.
429
00:18:36,019 --> 00:18:39,209
I dreamt that I won the All Ireland.
430
00:18:39,210 --> 00:18:41,650
- The hurling or the football?
431
00:18:41,645 --> 00:18:43,365
- Cricket, and you know what?
432
00:18:43,370 --> 00:18:45,810
I actually think I enjoyed myself.
433
00:18:45,806 --> 00:18:47,626
- Eamon, I once said I liked the look
434
00:18:47,626 --> 00:18:49,046
of that cricketer with the mustache
435
00:18:49,054 --> 00:18:51,844
and you made me sleep
in the shed for a week.
436
00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:53,969
- Mm, nice coffee.
437
00:18:53,970 --> 00:18:55,930
I must get the recipe off you some time.
438
00:18:55,932 --> 00:18:57,302
Yes I know.
439
00:18:57,297 --> 00:19:00,717
Ever since our incident
with the you know whats,
440
00:19:00,716 --> 00:19:02,856
I've been feeling quite strange.
441
00:19:02,860 --> 00:19:04,580
- Now Eamon, don't be silly.
442
00:19:04,578 --> 00:19:06,548
And you know what, I'm not
doing any spuds tonight.
443
00:19:06,550 --> 00:19:08,690
No, I think I'm going to
do something different.
444
00:19:08,686 --> 00:19:10,266
A pie or something.
445
00:19:11,314 --> 00:19:12,814
- No spuds, a pie.
446
00:19:14,964 --> 00:19:17,284
- Would you like to try some of this
447
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:19,840
beautiful Oxford lunch cake I baked?
448
00:19:19,842 --> 00:19:22,172
- Step away from the Oxford lunch.
449
00:19:22,168 --> 00:19:22,998
- What?
450
00:19:23,856 --> 00:19:26,366
- Bridget, put down the Oxford lunch.
451
00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:28,626
- What in the Prince
Charles is wrong with you?
452
00:19:28,629 --> 00:19:30,059
- I'm wearing a turtle neck.
453
00:19:30,058 --> 00:19:31,968
You haven't boiled any potatoes today.
454
00:19:31,968 --> 00:19:34,048
We're turning Protestant!
455
00:19:37,983 --> 00:19:40,533
No, it's not use, she's gone.
456
00:19:40,532 --> 00:19:41,812
Say your goodbyes.
457
00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:45,466
Be all off to live with your
mental aunty in the morning.
458
00:19:45,471 --> 00:19:47,191
Here, you might as well take these.
459
00:19:47,190 --> 00:19:48,810
She's not use for them.
460
00:19:48,812 --> 00:19:50,302
- I just remembered.
461
00:19:50,296 --> 00:19:52,816
It's our turn to have Father
Gabe around for Sunday lunch.
462
00:19:52,820 --> 00:19:55,470
Take that turtle neck off you.
463
00:19:55,472 --> 00:19:58,322
We'll take him into the good room.
464
00:19:58,318 --> 00:20:00,648
- We don't even have a good,
465
00:20:03,925 --> 00:20:06,625
- Don't you even breathe in there!
466
00:20:06,629 --> 00:20:09,549
(doorbell ringing)
467
00:20:10,389 --> 00:20:13,089
Now, here we are father.
468
00:20:13,093 --> 00:20:16,513
- Oh Bridget, this must be the good room.
469
00:20:17,943 --> 00:20:19,373
- What, oh no.
470
00:20:19,371 --> 00:20:20,751
This is the old room.
471
00:20:20,751 --> 00:20:22,941
Sure we use this all the time.
472
00:20:22,935 --> 00:20:24,255
Isn't that right Eamon?
473
00:20:24,259 --> 00:20:25,699
- A good room, sure that sounds
474
00:20:25,701 --> 00:20:27,121
like something a Protestant would do.
475
00:20:27,119 --> 00:20:29,929
- There's definitely
none of those in here.
476
00:20:29,927 --> 00:20:32,407
- No, no, definitely not.
477
00:20:32,409 --> 00:20:33,649
You're not a Protestant.
478
00:20:33,654 --> 00:20:35,404
I'm not a Protestant.
479
00:20:35,401 --> 00:20:37,001
You're definitely not a Protestant.
480
00:20:36,999 --> 00:20:38,549
No Protestants in here.
481
00:20:38,545 --> 00:20:40,555
Just the way I like it.
482
00:20:40,563 --> 00:20:43,633
- Well in fairness, I've
met some fine Protestants.
483
00:20:43,629 --> 00:20:45,299
They're not all bad.
484
00:20:46,657 --> 00:20:47,487
- There's the phone.
485
00:20:47,490 --> 00:20:48,660
- We don't have a phone.
486
00:20:48,661 --> 00:20:49,491
- Shut up.
487
00:20:57,550 --> 00:21:00,540
- I told you you shouldn't
have looked him in the eye.
488
00:21:00,539 --> 00:21:04,049
- If you spill a drop
of that gravy in there!
489
00:21:04,050 --> 00:21:05,230
- What Bridget, what?
490
00:21:05,232 --> 00:21:08,502
We're going to end up in
hell for all eternity anyway.
491
00:21:08,499 --> 00:21:11,229
- More potatoes Father?
492
00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:13,978
- D'ya know who is a great woman?
493
00:21:15,128 --> 00:21:16,848
Our Lady, the Catholic Virgin Mary.
494
00:21:16,846 --> 00:21:18,396
Now, she is just brilliant.
495
00:21:18,404 --> 00:21:20,174
I'm often saying it to Bridget.
496
00:21:20,165 --> 00:21:21,245
- Oh he is.
497
00:21:21,251 --> 00:21:23,021
I do be getting fierce jealous, don't I?
498
00:21:23,020 --> 00:21:25,150
He's always like, you should
get your hair like her.
499
00:21:25,152 --> 00:21:27,082
And you know what, I think I might.
500
00:21:27,076 --> 00:21:29,726
- You'd give up the
choppy/changey Bridget?
501
00:21:29,728 --> 00:21:33,878
- Eh, do you know what's
great and not boring at all.
502
00:21:33,877 --> 00:21:36,617
The Letters of St. Paul
to the Corinthians.
503
00:21:36,620 --> 00:21:38,980
They're brilliant, it's just brilliant.
504
00:21:38,984 --> 00:21:41,034
- Really, because I don't recall
505
00:21:41,026 --> 00:21:43,356
seeing ye two at mass today.
506
00:21:45,900 --> 00:21:49,110
- The truth is Father, we've been
507
00:21:49,114 --> 00:21:50,834
keeping something from you.
508
00:21:50,826 --> 00:21:54,826
Bridget's done something
stupid and as a result,
509
00:21:55,876 --> 00:21:59,786
Now there's loads of
money in the Trocaire box.
510
00:22:01,580 --> 00:22:04,670
- Oh there must be two pounds in here!
511
00:22:04,672 --> 00:22:06,842
- Three pounds and 27 pence.
512
00:22:06,842 --> 00:22:10,192
- Jesus Christ, you've
broken parish records.
513
00:22:10,192 --> 00:22:12,792
Eamon, I knew if I kept
at you, it'd pay off.
514
00:22:12,792 --> 00:22:14,252
- Three whole pounds.
515
00:22:14,248 --> 00:22:16,258
- And 27 pence.
516
00:22:16,261 --> 00:22:17,631
- This calls for a celebration.
517
00:22:17,628 --> 00:22:18,458
Tia Maria!
518
00:22:19,568 --> 00:22:21,318
- [Eamon] No, no, no!
519
00:22:23,194 --> 00:22:25,274
- Heavens above.
520
00:22:25,271 --> 00:22:27,271
There must be at least,
521
00:22:31,438 --> 00:22:32,768
- 37,489 pounds.
522
00:22:36,854 --> 00:22:39,524
Gone because of your notions
523
00:22:39,522 --> 00:22:41,652
and your stupid Tupperware parties.
524
00:22:41,654 --> 00:22:42,774
- Look on the bright side.
525
00:22:42,772 --> 00:22:44,372
Aren't all the condoms out of the house
526
00:22:44,372 --> 00:22:45,692
and no-one got hurt.
527
00:22:45,686 --> 00:22:46,516
- No one got hurt?
528
00:22:46,519 --> 00:22:47,879
We turned Proddy, Bridget.
529
00:22:47,878 --> 00:22:50,048
Once you go Protestant you
can't go back you know.
530
00:22:50,052 --> 00:22:51,282
We've six to eight kids.
531
00:22:51,284 --> 00:22:52,474
Have you ever seen a Protestant family
532
00:22:52,468 --> 00:22:53,648
with six to eight kids?
533
00:22:53,650 --> 00:22:55,040
We're going to have to
get rid of seven of them.
534
00:22:55,044 --> 00:22:57,044
- Father Gabriel, how
am I going to tell him?
535
00:22:57,044 --> 00:23:00,284
You know how sensitive he is.
536
00:23:00,282 --> 00:23:01,122
Hold on.
537
00:23:01,115 --> 00:23:03,325
(vomiting noisily)
538
00:23:03,330 --> 00:23:05,500
I'm pregnant, we're cured.
539
00:23:14,121 --> 00:23:15,041
Is that it?
540
00:23:17,620 --> 00:23:18,450
- What are you doing?
541
00:23:18,453 --> 00:23:19,653
- I'm practicing for my party.
542
00:23:19,648 --> 00:23:20,878
- No more parties!
543
00:23:20,882 --> 00:23:22,472
Not after your plastic shite one.
544
00:23:22,473 --> 00:23:23,653
Look at all the trouble it got us into.
545
00:23:23,652 --> 00:23:25,302
- No Eamon, this is different.
546
00:23:25,296 --> 00:23:26,786
Noreen said it's great fun.
547
00:23:26,793 --> 00:23:28,083
It's called a swingers party.
548
00:23:28,079 --> 00:23:29,599
- I'm not bringing in them
swings again, Bridget.
549
00:23:29,597 --> 00:23:30,637
- No, you dope.
550
00:23:30,635 --> 00:23:31,885
You don't bring a swing in here.
551
00:23:31,885 --> 00:23:34,665
Noreen said all you need
is a glass bowl, some keys
552
00:23:34,669 --> 00:23:36,759
and some oily lubricant.
553
00:23:36,763 --> 00:23:39,483
- Right, as long as
everyone goes home early.
554
00:23:39,481 --> 00:23:41,001
I want to be in bed by 10 o'clock.
555
00:23:41,002 --> 00:23:44,122
- Noreen said you'll in
bed, along with her fella,
556
00:23:44,122 --> 00:23:45,712
at half past eight.
557
00:23:45,762 --> 00:23:50,312
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