All language subtitles for Theatre Macabre. s01e17.The.Husband.Under.the.Bed.eng

(suspenseful music)

(cymbals clash)

- How do you do.

I'm Christopher Lee.

Do you suffer from insomnia?

Do you run out of numbers
counting sheep?

I do.

Last night I counted 6,000 of them.

And after I'd herded them
into box cars

and shipped them off to market,

and finished counting the
money they brought in,

it was morning.

What drove the husband under
the bed in Dostoevsky's story

was not insomnia,
but jealousy.

He was convinced that his
wife was unfaithful to him,

and strangely enough,
so was her lover.

Unfortunately for him, Andre
crawled under the wrong bed.

When the lady's husband came home

he would have cheerfully
jumped out the window,

but they were on the 13th floor,

and he was superstitious.

(dramatic orchestral music)

(coughing)

(coughing)

(footsteps)

- Now, just a minute, sir!

But, sir!

Sir, you mustn't!

(gasps)

_ Oh!

' Ah!

Ah!

Please, I am sorry, it's
my wife I'm looking for.

(coughing)

- That's my husband.

(coughing)

Hide somewhere.

- Hide somewhere?

Where?

- How are you, my dear?

You look nice.

(coughing)

(shushing)

- Just keep quiet.

(shushing)

- If you keep squeezing
my hand, I'll yell.

- Go ahead, yell.

(indistinct chatter)

- Can't you move a little?

- Where do you want me to go?

- I'm afraid that it's
just that I've never been

under a bed before.

- I haven't time to bother
with you, my friend.

- I refuse to be spoken
to with such impertinence.

I demand an apology.

- Be quiet.

- More impertinence.
Do you know who I am, sir?

- You're someone trapped
under a bed, like I am.

- Yes, but I've come to be here
through no fault of my own.

But you're here because of
an embarra--

- A misconception.

- So we were talking
about the cure, you see?

My friend Ivanich said milfoil.

Said for hemorrhoids,
it's wonderful.

"Yes, but Paul, they're treating
me with leeches already."

"Ah, no, my friend,
you must drink milfoil."

(coughing)

And so I'm in a quandary.

You make the choice--
milfoil or leeches?

- What's the difference?

You might as well give it a try.

- I told him about all of
the problems about the gouts,

my intestinal irritation.

"Ah yes," says he, "And
tuberculosis, no doubt."

(coughing)

- There, there, he was
just pulling your leg.

- Anyway, isn't it about time

you were getting ready
for bed, my dear?

- Mm-hmm.

- I presume you are the
wife's lover?

' Quiet!

- I will not! Stop
trying to push me around.

You are the wife's lover,
not me.

I refuse to be involved.

All I am is an innocent bystan-

- Listen, you better be quiet,

or I'll tell them you're
(indistinct)

trying to creep under the
bed to observe mother nature.

- You're trying to make a fool of me!

- I didn't make you a fool!

Huh, I'm happy here.
I'm perfectly willing to sleep

under here 'til tomorrow morning.

- And what am I supposed to do then?

I am a respectable man.
What will my friends think?

(wife humming)

He seems restless.

Suppose he gets suspicious.
What then?

- Have no fear.
Not every husband

is as frivolous as you, my friend.
Some prefer home.

- That's enough from you.
This has never happened before.

Young man, just who are you?

(whispering)

- "And when she woke up
in the arms of Morris..."

(snoring)

"She was overcome with remorse.

Then Morris seemed about to..."

"'Morris," she said, "I was a fool.

And now it's too late to start again.

I shouldn't be here.'

'I know just how you feel.

And so--"

(snoring)

- -"'I feel sure

you're sure you'll forgive me.

I am sure of this.

And before you depart from here,

You won't ever forget how your--

- -love has warmed my heart.

And now, if you need help
in any way,

then come to me.

I'll be happy to help you.

Yes, I'll be happy to help."'

(bang)

(snoring)

' Ah!

- What's making that noise?

Now, what do you suppose?

It sounds like a couple
of cats having a row.

- Mm-hmm. Just a dream
you had, my sweetest one.

- Eh, I'll tell you a story.

Came back and heard a pussy
cat in my study the other day.

The most terrible uproar
in there.

Sounded like a big cat,
as he was purring.

(imitates purring)

It kept up without stopping!

Said to myself, now
that's pussy cat's purring

about my death.

- No, you just stop that.

- Don't you worry.

It's not my time yet.

It's just how I talk.

It's time you went to
bed, dear. Get undressed.

Get into bed now,
and I will stay

until you're asleep, darling.

- No dear,
I don't feel very tired.

- I hear mice in here, the
cat must be after them.

I saw the most beautiful
woman on the stairs just now.

Lovely, yes, fair skin--

(coughing)

St. John's Wort.
St. John's Wort!

- What?

- St. John's Wort.
I'm supposed to drink it,

just before dinner.

- You were just telling me
something about a beautiful lady.

- Was I?
- You were.

- I was?

That's strange.

Ah yes!

Beautiful, beautiful woman,
believe me.

Very nice. She had a nice
figure...

- It's her.

She's the woman in
the blue hat. My Sona!

- [Husband]
I heard she's been seeing

some friends up stairs.

- Oh, damn it! It seems
I'm in the wrong place.

You remember what
floor this is?

- Oh, I was sure it was
the top floor.

(husband speaking faintly)

- What are you doing here, my friend?

- Huh, that's a good question.

I bear no bad feelings, anyway.

I am not a brute.

(groaning)

Here is my hand, I offer it.

I know it's a bit dirty.
That's from the dust.

Not important is it?

I don't think it's very important.

They're more important thing.
Feelings, for instance.

- Stop it!

You just keep pushing me!

Quiet!

- Young man, if you'll be a
little nicer, I might explain.

You treat me like a fool.

Why can't we be sensible
and intelligent?

I mean, what are we trying to prove?

I feel as if I were your friend.

I am prepared to invite you to dinner.

It'd be a pleasure!

- When did you meet her?

Suppose she's there waiting for me now!

- Oh no, you wouldn't mind
telling me what she looks like?

- I mind.

What difference is it anyway?

- I'm getting out of here now!

(coughing)

- What about me?

- I'm not your father.

If you want my advice

I'd say you can spend
the night here.

In the morning you can get away.

You're perfectly safe if
you remain right here,

where you are.

(distant coughing)

No man would think there
were two of us.

- Young man, this is torture.

- You want me to tell you something?

Your behavior is like a
cuckolded husband.

- No, I'm single.

_ Eh"

- I'm like the lover (speaking faintly)

(laughing)

- I'm going to speak the truth.

I am at my wit's end.
The wife's been untrue, you see.

I'm going out of my head,
overwhelmed by all this.

But I'm not sure. This very morning
I found a note to her.

Her of all people.
I couldn't believe my eyes.

(speaks faintly)

(murmuring)

(laughing)

- I was the same way as you are.

I ran after them, oh yes,
all the time.

My mind's completely
in a whirl.

- Ah, the cat--
What's going on?

Everything alright,
sweetheart?

- Oh dear, it's those
children upstairs.

- Did I tell you about the fellow I saw?

A real dandy he was,
my dear.

He had a little mustache,
most elegant.

- Um, don't you think you
should go to bed, dear?

- Liza, you don't love
me even a little now.

- Oh darling, stop it.

Stop it, please.

You see, I'm very tired.

- All right, I'm sorry,
I will go to my room.

(coughing)

- No, no, no, don't 9°!

Don't go, darling.

Um, you'd better go...
Uh, yes.

- What in the world is
wrong with you, Liza?

First you say go,
then you say don't go.

It's rather confusing.

It's time we were both in bed.

(yawning)

- Something's fallen in my eye.

Can you look at it for me?

Careful.

Hey, don't put your finger in--

In my inside pocket you'll
find a handkerchief. Get it.

Leave my wallet alone.

Will you please put it
back where you found it?

The corner, please.
Careful.

The eye is a delicate instrument.

' Ah!

- That's fine.

- You really are just,
aren't you?

You're in a strange home, and
then you upset an old man.

Just a nice old gent, eh?

But perhaps he'd go
absolutely berserk,

if he saw you creeping around in here.

You know, you have some very
strange habits, don't you?

- My God, you are indeed stamped

with immorality.
Immorality!

- It just so happens
I'm here by mistake.

It's not my fault if
they let me in, is it?

I guess it's the wife who
was waiting for someone.

It wasn't me.

So I slid under the bed and hid.

(laughing)

I wouldn't have stayed,
except for you, you fool.

I stayed here out of pity,
you were so frightened.

Without me,
what would happen?

You'd probably be standing
like a bump on a log.

- Bump on a log?

A bump on a log? Couldn't
you find a better phrase?

(dog barking and whimpering)

- Come here, don't do that!

Here, sugar.

(dog barking)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(dog whimpering)

- What are you doing?

- It's to keep him from biting me.

- Emil! Oh, Emil!

What have they done to my baby?

Oh, the barbarians!

Oh, I'm going to be ill!

- What's wrong with you, my dear?

Emil, come on, sugar!

Good dog.

Emil, good d09-

Here, here.

' Ah!

(suspenseful orchestra music)

- Liza, what's come over you,
my dear?

- Servants!

- Those scoundrels, both of them!

Those two men, they're
keeping Emil under the bed.

- Are you quite sure?

(gasps)

Emil, come here, honey!

Emil!

Emil, come here!

Emil!

(lively orchestra music)

- Who are you, sir?

- The murderer's still there.
It isn't my fault about Emil!

- 0h, my God!

- Emil, come on,
my dear!

Come along, little dog.
Good dog!

Yes, Emil, come here,
come out!

(groaning)

- Hey, there's someone here!

I've got his foot!

- You murderer!

- You'd better come
out from there at once!

Who are you?

- I'm terribly sorry. You see,
the whole thing's a mistake.

If you'll-- I assure you I'll explain.

_ Oh!

- Well, you see, I was
trying to catch Sona.

- Sona?

- Yes, my wife Sona.

I thought she-- I thought
my wife was-- from out there

it looks like the same floor!

- Well, that doesn't explain

what you were doing under the bed!

- I'm not a thief, sir, no!

You must believe me!

It's obvious by my dress.

I mean, anybody could see that
I'm completely respectable.

Oh Madam, excuse me,
you must understand,

it's my wife's fault!

It's Sona's fault!

I'm so unhappy, there's
nothing left for me!

It's finished!

Wrecked, you see!

I drink a bitter cup.

- What cup you drink from
is of no interest at all!

By the look of you,
my friend,

I can see you've had a few drinks.

And now explain to us
how you got here!

- Very well, sir.

It's my jealousy.

I bare my soul to you just
as I would to my father...

If my father were here. Both
of you are around the same age.

' Same age?

Why you impudent--

- Excuse me, I didn't mean
to offend you!

It's just that the lady,
she's so young,

and the difference in your age!

I mean, it's most appropriate,
that's all,

a man in his prime, as you are.

It's wonderful to see!

Your Lordship-- I said,
Lordship, as I assume you are,

bearing as such!

- No, sir.

Lordship is not my title.

Besides which, sir, your flattery
doesn't impress me.

Just tell me why you're here!

- Forgive me, I'm sorry,
I made a mistake, sir.

You seemed sort of noble!

Once a friend of my father
introduced me to a Viscount,

I was--

- Who are you?

- I'm going to explain
everything, Your Excellency.

The time spent under
the bed doesn't matter.

It's of no importance,
none whatsoever,

Actually, sir,
it's an amazing story.

(crying)

You will enjoy it.
Believe me, you will.

You see before you a jealous man.

Yes, I'm jealous,
because of my wife.

Please don't get the wrong idea, sir.

Believe me, Your Excellency,

it's obvious your wife
is completely innocent.

Is clean, virtuous, too.

- You dare to make comments
about my wife's virtue?

- You murdered him!
You murdered little Emil!

- Mm, I'm really sorry about that!

I put him in my hat to keep him quiet.

It's all on account of my
wife, who's unfaithful.

She's driving me insane!

I'm so worried, sir.
It's all my wife's fault,

I am a victim.

I'm sure you understand, madam,

because YOU 3T6 a woman,

and romance is sometimes
so very delicate.

You see, I'm not a young man
exactly, in certain ways.

I mean to say I sometimes
feel like an old man!

I'm so confused.

(laughing)

Oh my goodness,
I made you laugh, sir.

My pleasure, I assure you.

- This man is awfully funny.

- Yes, dear, he certainly is,
and he's very dirty, too.

Sweetheart, this man
couldn't be a burglar.

But how did you get in here?

- Strange, isn't it?

In the dead of night, in
the heart of the city,

all of a sudden, a stranger
is found underneath your bed.

It's a bit like reading
Rinaldo Rinaldini.

If you'll allow me,
I'd explain everything.

I'm going to get you a
lovely poodle, too!

A fabulous poodle. He's got
hair like a Persian cat,

and little teeny, weeny legs.

You have to be very
particular about feeding him,

nothing but sugar cubes!

_ Oh!

- I bring him to you, my lady.

You have my word.

You know, sir, I'm so
glad we had this talk.

I've learnt my lessons, sir.

I swear!

Never again!

Never again will I doubt my wife!

(laughing)

- You're quite a fellow!

- Oh! You're not single?

He is a married man,
difficult to believe, eh!

- The reason I got
suspicious, she had some kind

of rendezvous in this
house, and your front room,

the door was wide open!

It was the wrong floor,
but I didn't know that.

So all this time, I've
been under your bed.

(laughing)

(both laughing)

It's so peaceful, now
we're laughing like this.

I think it's just wonderful,

and it's almost completely innocent!

I've just been foolish.

(laughing)

She's the one I saw on the stairs,

the one I was telling you about,
with the gleam in her eye!

- Oh no, Sona is innocent!

I'm sure it wasn't Sona.

- But are you quite certain?

You'd better go upstairs,

and be absolutely sure,
hadn't you?

- She's not there!

She's gone home by now.

She's waiting for me.

I'm positive I won't find her there.

She'd never do that to me.

- She might.

If you do just happen to find her,

you must bring her back with you,

because I'd like to meet her!

- I'm positive I won't find her there.

But I know she'd like to visit you.

Goodbye, and thank you so much.

Goodbye.

- Don't forget you promised
to bring me a lovely poodle?

I shall hold you to it.

- I promise you shall have
it, the best there is,

not just an ordinary poodle,

a fabulous little, furry friend.

So beautiful, and only this big.

You'll see.
It's beloved.

Marvelous!
A real pleasure!

(dramatic orchestral music)

(door banging)

(lady laughing)

(music and laughter crescendo)

- So when you retire for the night,

be sure to look under the bed.

You never know who
might be hiding there.

A jealous husband, a burglar,
or even I.

(dramatic music crescendos)