All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S47E08.WEBRip.x264-ION10

>>> AND NOW, A HOLIDAY MESSAGE
FROM DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I'M BACK!
HI, EVERYONE.

IT'S ME, DR. FAUCI.
DO PEOPLE STILL THINK I'M SEXY,
OR ARE WE DONE WITH THAT?

ALL RIGHT, I KNOW.
PEOPLE SEE ME ON TV, THEY THINK,
"THIS CAN'T BE GOOD."

CHILDREN THINK, "WOW, THAT ELF
ON THE SHELF GOT OLD."
ANYWAY, AS YOU HAVE PROBABLY

HEARD, THERE IS
AN OMICRON WAVE SWEEPING THE
GLOBE.

SO SOME EXPERTS SEE THAT THE
OMICRON VARIANT WOULD BE VACCINE
RESISTANT, KIND OF LIKE, I DON'T

KNOW, 40% OF AMERICANS.
MORE RECENT DATA SUGGESTS THAT
IF YOU HAD A VACCINE AND A

BOOSTER YOU SHOULD BE PRETTY
WELL PROTECTED.
SO IF THAT'S YOU, I'D LIKE TO

OFFICIALLY SAY, UNCLENCH.
WITH COVID CASES ON THE RISE,
PEOPLE STILL HAVE A LOT OF

QUESTIONS.
IS IT SAFE TO TRAVEL?
CAN I STILL USE THIS AS AN

EXCUSE TO GET OUT OF STUFF?
I WOULD LIKE TO NEVER WORK
AGAIN.

WELL, TO HELP ANSWER THESE
QUERIES I ONCE AGAIN INVITED
MEMBERS OF THE CDC TO ACT OUT

VARIOUS HOLIDAY SCENELETS, WHICH
PLEASE KEEP IN MIND, THEY'RE
NOT PROFESSIONAL ACTORS OR

AMATEUR ACTORS.
THEY'RE NERDS WHO ARE TRYING
THEIR BEST.

SO PLEASE WELCOME THE CDC
PLAYERS.
THE FIRST SCENE IS CALLED "GOING

TO A RESTAURANT."
>> HI.
I'D LIKE TO EAT CHRISTMAS DINNER

AT YOUR RESTAURANT, PLEASE.
>> SURE.
AND I JUST NEED TO SEE YOUR

VACCINATION CARD.
>> I ACTUALLY CAN'T FIND IT.
>> YOU MEAN YOU LOST THE LITTLE

ONE INCH PIECE OF CARD BOARD
THEY GAVE YOU?
>> I'M AFRAID SO.

>> THEN URBANISHED FROM SOCIETY.
HAVE FUN LIVING IN THE WOODS.
>> AND SCENE.

>> THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
YOU CAN GET A REPLACEMENT CARD.
I THINK.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO GET
VACCINATED AND IF YOU'RE
VACCINATED GET BOOSTERS, AND IF

YOU'RE BOOSTED MAYBE YOU WANT A
LITTLE TOP OFF.
A LITTLE SPLASH.

I DON'T KNOW.
ANY WAY, LET'S HOPE THIS NEXT
SCENE GOES BETTER.

IT IS CALLED "MILE-HIGH
CHRISTMAS."
>> STEWARDESS, I'M TRAVELING

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS AND I'M
SCARED THAT I'LL GET COVID ON
THE AIRPLANE.

>> DON'T BE.
AIR TRAVEL IS FAIRLY LOW RISK.
>> GREAT.

I ALSO HEARD GIRLS CAN'T GET
PREGNANT IN THE SKY.
IS THAT TRUE?

>> I DON'T KNOW, KING.
LET'S FIND OUT.
>> THAT'S NOT TRUE, AND THAT'S

NOT EVEN HOW SEX WORKS UNLESS
SOMETHING HAS CHANGED.
I GUESS PEOPLE GOT PRETTY LONELY

DURING COVID, HUH?
YEAH.
YEAH.

NOW LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT HOW
CHRISTMAS PRA DIGGSS MIGHT LOOK
DIFFERENT THIS YEAR IN A TRIP TO

THE MALL.
>> SORRY.
YOU CAN'T SIT ON MY LAP ANYMORE.

THANKS TO THE VACCINE, MY TEST
VALUES HAVE BALLOONED IN SIZE.
THEY'RE AS BIG AS GRAPES NOW.

>> REALLY?
>> NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S JUST A CONSPIRACY THEORY,

AND I AM CONCERNED ABOUT THAT
PARTICULAR MAN.
NOW THE PANDEMIC ALSO AFFECTED

PEOPLE ECONOMICALLY.
KEEP THAT IN MIND AS YOU WATCH
THIS NEXT SCENE, "TWO UNEMPLOYED

BROTHERS ON CHRISTMAS DAY."
>> HELLO.
I'M DISGRACED FORMER NEW YORK

GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO.
>> AND I'M DISGRACED FORMER CNN
HOST CHRIS CUOMO.

>> AND WE BOTH LOST OUR JOBS
BECAUSE OF COVID.
>> IS THAT RIGHT?

UNFORTUNATELY, THOSE WERE NOT
THE LAST PUBLIC FIGURES YOU'LL
SEE TONIGHT BECAUSE WHEN IT

COMES TO ACTING DEEPLY OFFENDED
ABOUT SOMETHING MINOR SOME OF
OUR MOST GIFTED PERFORMERS THESE

DAYS COME NOT ONLY FROM
HOLLYWOOD BUT CONGRESS,
INCLUDING THE LADIES IN THIS

NEXT SCENE, "CHRISTMAS ---"
>> HI, I'M LAUREN BOEBERT AND
SHE'S MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE.

>> IT'S PRONOUNCED GUNS.
THE GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN USING
THIS FAKE DISEASE TO STRIP US OF

OUR FREEDOMS.
DO THEY THINK WE'RE DUMB?
>> PLEASE.

WOULD THEY GIVE A DUMB PERSON A
GUN?
>> YES.

>> FIRST, THEY SAID THE
SHUTDOWNS WERE UNTIL THEY FOUND
A VACCINE.

THEN THEY FOUND A VACCINE AND
SAID IT WORKED.
THEN THEY SAID EVERYONE SHOULD

GET IT.
THEN PEOPLE GOT IT AND IT SAVED
THEIR LIVES.

IF THAT'S NOT COMMUNISM, THEN
HONEY, I MIGHT NOT KNOW WHAT
COMMUNISM IS.

>> SO MERRY CHRISTMAS, AND
REMEMBER, GUNS DON'T KILL
PEOPLE.

PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE.
>> NO HELPING.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, LOOK --

IT'S THE TRUTH, GUYS, WE'RE
STILL IN THE MIDST OF A PANDEMIC
AND THAT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE

JUST BECAUSE WE ALL WISH IT
WOULD GO AWAY.
>> OH, DID SOMEBODY SAY "WISH IT

WOULD GO AWAY"?
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S ME.

THE WEIRDO WITH THE BEARDO,
TED CRUZ.
>> TED, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

>> WELL HEY, IF YOU'RE SICK OF
SEEING ME, IMAGINE HOW SICK I AM
OF BEING ME.

>> SENATOR CRUZ, HOW ARE YOU
HANDLING THE PANDEMIC?
>> WELL, TEXTBOOK BAD.

YOU KNOW, I WAS THE ONE NOT
WEARING A MASK AT
BOB DOLE'S FUNERAL.

NOW YOU MAY REMEMBER WHEN I RAN
FOR PRESIDENT IN 2016, BOB DOLE
SAID NOBODY LIKES ME, AND THIS

WEEK I GOT HIM BACK NOT BY BEING
INFECTIOUS, BUT JUST IMAGINE
LOOKING DOWN AT YOUR OWN

FUNERAL, AND THE ONLY FACE YOU
CAN SEE IS MINE.
>> THAT'S VERY DISTURBING.

BUT, WELL, I THINK WE ALL
LEARNED A LOT TODAY.
CLEARLY THIS COUNTRY IS DIVIDED,

BUT I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE ON
AT LEAST A FEW THINGS.
WE ALL WANT TO SPEND TIME

TOGETHER WITH OUR FAMILIES.
>> OR RUN IT BACK SOLO TO
CANCUN.

>> WE ALL WANT OUR LOVED ONES TO
BE SAFE AND HAPPY AND HEALTHY.
>> 'CAUSE FAMILY IS ALL WE HAVE.

>> YEAH.
AS OF TWO WEEKS AGO.
>> NOW THAT'S THE CHRISTMAS

SPIRIT.
SEE, WE ALREADY FOUND SOME
COMMON GROUND.

>> AND WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT THE
FOX NEWS CHRISTMAS TREE
ARSONISTS MUST BE EXECUTED.

>> MAYBE NOT.
>> AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT!"

HOST AND MUSICAL GUEST
BILLIE EILISH.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

BILLIE EILISH!
>>> OH, MY GOD!
THANK YOU GUYS.

HI!
HOW YOU DOING?
I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE.

MY NAME IS BILLIE EILISH.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW ME FROM MY
MUSIC, YOU MAY KNOW ME FROM MY
HAIR OR MY CLOTHES.

THAT'S WHY I DECIDED TO DRESS
LIKE MRS. CLAUS GOING TO THE
CLUB.

BUT ACTUALLY, NO, I AM ONLY
WEARS THIS
BECAUSE AFTER THE SHOW I GOT TO

GO GET MARRIED IN AN ANIME.
SOME PEOPLE WONDER WHY I STARTED
WEARING BAGGY CLOTHES.

THERE WAS ACTUALLY A GOOD
REASON.
SO IT WASN'T JUST FOR COMFORT OR

FOR STYLE.
THIS IS HARD TO SAY FOR ME, BUT
THE

REAL REASON I WORE BIG OVERSIZE
CLOTHES BACK THEN IS I WAS
ACTUALLY TWO KIDS STACKED ON TOP

OF EACH OTHER TRYING TO SNEAK
INTO A R-RATED MOVIE.
IT IS SO, SO GREAT TO BE BACK

HERE AT
"SNL."
I WAS THE MUSICAL GUEST A COUPLE

YEARS AGO, BUT I NEVER THOUGHT
THAT I WOULD HOST.
EVER.

IN FACT, I USED TO SAY THAT I
HATED ACTING, BUT THE TRUTH IS
WHEN I WAS LITTLE I LOVED IT.

MY MOM AND DAD WERE BOTH ACTORS.
SO IS MY BROTHER, FINNEAS.
AND IT WAS MY DREAM TO BE IN A

MOVIE.
AND I REMEMBER WHEN THAT DREAM
DIED.

YEAH.
I WAS 9.
OKAY?

AND MY MOM -- MY MOM
WROTE A FILM INSPIRED BY HER
LIFE.

THIS IS TRUE.
SHE CAST MY BROTHER, FINNEAS, AS
HER SON.

SHE PLAYED THE MOM.
AND IN THE MOVIE, SHE HAD NO
DAUGHTER.

TRUE STORY.
YEAH, I GOT THE HINT FROM THAT.
JUST KIDDING.

MY MOM IS MY BEST FRIEND.
SHE'S HERE.
I KNOW THAT YOU DON'T LIVE

FINNEAS MORE THAN ME.
>> I LOVE YOU, HONEY.
>> OKAY.

OKAY.
[ APPLAUSE ]
>> IT REALLY HAPPENED.

IT IS SO SPECIAL TO BE HOSTING
IN DECEMBER.
NOT ONLY DO I LOVE CHRISTMAS AND

OH, MY GOD, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL
HERE AT CHRISTMAS.
NOT ONLY DO I LOVE CHRISTMAS,

BUT MY BIRTHDAY IS ONE WEEK FROM
TODAY.
[ APPLAUSE ]

I'M TURNING 20, OR AS THE
INTERNET CALLS THAT,
MIDDLE-AGED.

BUT I AM ACTUALLY REALLY EXCITED
TO GET OLDER BECAUSE I AM JUST
NOW STARTING TO UNDERSTAND WHO I

ACTUALLY AM AS A PERSON.
AND THE SCARY THING ABOUT
GROWING UP IN THE PUBLIC EYE IS

PEOPLE JUST DECIDE THAT
EVERYTHING YOU SAY AND DO AND
LOOK LIKE IS WHO YOU ARE

FOREVER.
THAT'S NOT FAIR!
WOULD YOU WANT TO BE JUDGED BY

THE WAY YOU PRESENTED YOURSELF
WHEN YOU WERE 16?
NO.

IMAGINE BEING, SAY, COLIN JOST,
AND THE FIRST THING THAT COMES
UP WHEN YOU GOOGLE YOURSELF IS

16-YORE-OLD COLIN JOST.
YIKES.
SEEN HERE WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE

GO TO PROM.
BUT THE POINT IS, IT TAKES TIME
AND EFFORT TO ACCEPT WHO YOU

REALLY ARE.
YOU'LL BE SO HAPPY THAT YOU DID.
I SPENT A LOT OF YEARS

PRETENDING TO BE SOMEBODY THAT
I'M NOT, BASICALLY ACTING.
AND SOMEBODY WISE ONCE TOLD ME,

"BILLIE, YOU SHOULD NEVER ACT,
THAT PERSON WAS MY MOM.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT.
STICK AROUND.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

>>> HEY, SWEETIE, HOW WAS WORK?
>> OH, INCREDIBLE.
INCREDIBLE.

WE HAD A GREAT MEETING ABOUT
SOME EXCITING EMERGING MARKETS
WITH GROWTH POTENTIAL.

YOU WANT TO HEAR THE DEETS?
NO THANKS.
BUT LOOK AT WHAT I DID.

I PUT UP ALL THE CHRISTMAS CARDS
ON THE FRIDGE.
LOOKS FESTIVE, RIGHT?

>> YEAH.
WOW, WE GOT A LOT OF CARDS THIS
YEAR.

MAN, WE KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE,
HUH?
>> PEOPLE LIKE ME, YOUR SUPER

WHITE, SUPER CHRISTIAN NEIGHBOR
HERE ON T
BEACH WITH MY PRETTY YET

ANNOYING WIFE AND OUR ARMY OF
BLOND CHILDREN IN MATCHING WHITE
SHIRTS AND JEANS.

>> AND YES, THIS IS THE SEVENTH
CHRISTMAS CARD IN A ROW I'VE
BEEN PREGNANT.

I'M NEVER NOT PREGNANT.
>> DID SOMEONE USE THE WORDS
PREGNANT?

BECAUSE I AM TOO.
I'M YOUR COUSIN WHOSE MADE
PREGNANCY MY ENTIRE PERSONALITY.

I STARTED PLANNING THIS
CHRISTMAS CARD AS I WAS PEEING
ON THE PREGNANCY TEST.

>> AND I'M THE HUSBAND WHOSE
NAME YOU WILL NEVER LEARN.
AS YOU CAN SEE MY EYES, I'M NOT

AS INTO THIS CARD CONCEPT AS SHE
IS.
BUT I WASN'T GIVEN A CHOICE.

>> SPEAKING OF COUSINS, I'M YOUR
COUSIN FROM WISCONSIN.
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM ME AND THIS

ANIMAL I KILLED.
MAN, EVERYBODY LOOKS SO HAPPY.
BUT I DON'T RECOGNIZE HER,

THOUGH.
>> HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM
DR. DONNA WOODS OF SMILE TIME

DENTAL PARTNERS.
YOU ARE TWO YEARS LATE FOR YOUR
SIX-MONTH CLEANING.

>> I'LL GO WHEN COVID'S OVER.
OH, DID YOU SEE PIERCE AND
LEONARD'S CARDS?

>> OF COURSE HE DID.
IT'S STUNNING.
>> STUNNING.

>> WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU EXPECT
FROM THE WELL-OFF MIDDLE-AGED
GAY COUPLE YOUR WIFE IS FRIENDS

WITH?
AS USUAL, WE'RE DRESSED TO THE
NINES AND HOLDING OUR OLD, GROSS

LITTLE DOG THAT YOU CANNOT
BELIEVE IS STILL ALIVE.
>> OH, MY --

OH, MY GOD.
THAT RAT OF THEIRS IS STILL
ALIVE?

HOW?
>> SIMPLE.
HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS

IN MEDICAL PROCEDURES.
THAT'S HOW ALL OF WHICH THE VET
PREFACED WITH.

I MEAN, WHAT ARE WE GAINING,
TWO, THREE MONTHS AT THE MOST.
>> WAIT, IS THAT YOUR FRIEND

RUTH WITH MILEY CYRUS?
ARE THEY FRIENDS?
>> NO --

NO, WE ARE NOT, BUT WHAT BETTER
WAY TO REMIND YOU THAT I MET A
CELEBRITY AT A RESTAURANT

11 MONTHS AGO THAN WITH MY
CHRISTMAS CARD?
>> THIS WOMAN CAME UP TO MY

TABLE AND SAID, "YOU'RE
HANNAH MONTANA."
AND THEN SHE SAID THAT SHE HATED

MY MUSIC.
>> I WAS JUST BEING HONEST.
IT'S NOT FOR ME.

>> SHE ASKED FOR A PHOTO AND
IMPLIED IF I DIDN'T TAKE IT, IT
WAS BECAUSE I WAS BEING RACIST.

>> THAT'S TRUE.
I USE THAT A LOT.
>> SO, I TOOK THE PICTURE.

SO I GUESS MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM
MILEY AND --
>> YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAME?

YOU RACIST!
>> MAN, RUTH IS SO COOL.
SHE'S FRIENDS WITH FAMOUS

PEOPLE.
>> BY THE WAY, WHO'S
BARBARA JACOBS AGAIN?

>> OH, THAT'S ONE OF MY MOM'S
FRIENDS.
>> HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM ME, YOUR

MOM'S SINGLE FRIEND WHO HAS
LOOKED 52 YEARS OLD SINCE YOU
WERE A BABY.

YOU KNOW, THE DRILL.
EVERY YEAR MY CHRISTMAS CARD HAS
A PICTURE OF ME, ALONE, ON A

CRAZY-ASS VACATION.
LAST YEAR, I WAS ON TOP OF A
MOUNTAIN.

THIS YEAR, I'M SNORKELING OFF
THE COAST OF A VOLCANO.
WHAT'S MY DEAL?

AM I A LESBIAN?
A WEALTHY WIDOW?
YOU DON'T CARE ENOUGH TO ASK

YOUR MOM, SO YOU'LL NEVER KNOW!
>> WAIT, WHO'S THAT IN THE
PAJAMAS?

>> THAT'S HARPER.
WE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER.
>> WERE YOU GUYS FRIENDS?

>> YEAH.
>> NO WE WEREN'T.
AND I MADE HER LIFE A LIVING

HELL.
WHAT'S NEW WITH ME?
LET'S SEE.

STILL A [ BLEEP ].
STILL RICHER THAN HER AND STILL
MARRIED TO MY HANDSOME YET

BORING HUSBAND WHO CHEATS ON ME.
>> I DO CHEAT ON HER, A LOT.
>> WHAT ELSE?

OH, MY SON IS 15 NOW.
HE'S GROWING INTO A FINE YOUNG
INCEL.

>> IT'S GIRLS' FAULTS THAT I'M
NOT COOL.
>> AND IF OUR MATCHING PAJAMAS

DON'T MAKE YOU HATE US, FLIP THE
CARD OVER FOR A LONG BRAGGY LIST
OF WHAT OUR FAMILY DID THIS

YEAR.
>> SPOILER ALERT, WE MOVED INTO
A HUGE HOUSE ON THE LAKE.

>> I DON'T LIKE THE LAKE BECAUSE
YOU HAVE TO WEAR SWIM TRUNKS.
AND I'M AT THE PART OF PUBERTY

WHERE I LOOK LIKE A NEWBORN
GIRAFFE.
>> EVEN THOUGH YOU THINK I'M A

TACKY FAKE [ BLEEP ], I KNOW
THAT MY CHRISTMAS CARDS MAKE YOU
JEALOUS, AND I LOVE THAT I STILL

HAVE THAT POWER OVER YOU.
SO HAPPY HOLIDAYS TAMPON GIRL.
THAT'S WHAT I CALLED YOUR WIFE

IN HIGH SCHOOL.
>> BARBARA SEEMS REAL NICE.
HEY, THANKS FOR DOING THIS,

BABE.
YOU KNOW, I LOVE THAT WE CAN SEE
ALL OUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY JUST

BY WALKING INTO THE KITCHEN.
>> OH, NO.
PIERCE AND LEONARD'S DOG IS

GOING INTO SURGERY AGAIN.
>> THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS FOR OUR
BELOVED PABLO.

HE NEEDS A NEW SPINE.
>> IT'S GOING TO COST $150,000.
BUT HOW CAN YOU SAY NO TO THIS

>> IT'S GOING TO COST $150,000.
BUT HOW CAN YOU SAY NO TO THIS
FACE?

AT YOU FROM THE FRONTWISE, WHAT
YOU WANT TO DO IS HIT HIM RIGHT
IN THE TENDER SPOT.

THEN YOU GOT THE GUN.
>> CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT
BLAKE LIVELY'S DRESS FOR A

SECOND?
Y'ALL, WHEN I SAY I LITERALLY
DIED WHEN I SAW THIS DRESS,

LIKE --
**
>> WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING?

>> MOM, I'M THIRST TRAPPING!
>> OKAY, "SPIDER-MAN" NO WAY
HOME TRAILER IS OFFICIALLY OUT.

IT LOOKS AMAZING!
>> WHEN YOU'RE SO GOOD AT SEGGS
HE GETS SCARED.

THIS IS IN THE DAY OF THE LIFE
OF A MOM OF EIGHT BOYS.
FIRST I WAKE UP, START COOKING.

AND ONCE ALL MY BOYS ARE FED,
IT'S MY TIME, AND I GO TO SLEEP.
** YOU'VE GOT THE APPLE BOTTOM

JEANS
** BOOTS WITH THE FUR
** WITH THE FUR.

**
>> PUT A FINGER DOWN IF YOU'VE
EVER HOOKED UP IN A HOT TUB.

PUT YOUR FINGER DOWN IF YOU'VE
EVER HOOKED UP WITH A HOT TUB.
>> YO, TODAY'S BLOWBACK TRACK IS

A DEEP CUT FOR ALL THE OLD HEADS
OUT THERE.
"OLD TOWN ROAD" BY LIL NAS X.

>> I'M STILL THINKING ABOUT
BLAKE LIVELY'S DRESS, Y'ALL.
>> THIS IS HOMER SIMPSON.

MM, DONUTS.
DOH!
>> THIS HERE IS WHAT YOU WANT TO

DO IF YOU GOT A PERP COMING UP
FROM BEHIND YOU.
LISTEN FOR THE FOOTSTEPS.

HEY, WHO IS THAT?
OKAY, YEAH, I GOT SHOT THAT
TIME.

>> FIT CHECK.
OOH, CHECK THE MOANA SKETCHERS.
OH, THEY LARGE.

>> WHEN YOU FINISH YOUR HOMEWORK
IN TIME TO CHOKE OUT YOUR SUB.
**

>> * ISLAND BOY
I'M A ISLAND BOY
LIKE AN ISLAND BOY *

>> HEY, BUD, YOU BEEN SCROLLING
A WHILE NOW.
YOU MAYBE YOU TAKE A BREAK, SIP

SOME WATER, READ ANY BOOK.
TALK TO A HUMAN.
>> WHEN IT COMES TO SUCCESS, I

MEAN, WHO'S GOT IT HARDEST RIGHT
NOW?
WHITE GUYS.

>> I FIGURED IT OUT, Y'ALL.
BLAKE LIVELY'S DRESS IS
ILLUMINATI FALSE FLAG TO

DISTRACT US FROM THE VACCINE.
EVIDENCE.
>> THE "SPENCER" TRAILER IS OUT.

DANG, DIANA WAS REALLY LONELY.
I FELT --
>> EVER NOTICE WHEN YOU'RE

USING, LIKE, A CHECKOUT LINE --
THE SELF-CHECKOUT LINE AT
GROCERY STORES --

>> YOU SUCK!
SORRY.
**

>> WHEN YOU FINALLY ASK OUT THE
CUTE, QUIET GUY AT SCHOOL, AND
HE SAY, "YES."

AND NOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO
PRETEND ANYMORE.
>> THIS IS AMAZING!

** LOOKING LIKE A LOLLIPOP.
>> WHEN YOUR FAVE PATIENT PULLS
THROUGH.

THROUGH.
AND THROWS DOWN.
**

.
>>> HEY.
>> IS ALL NATIVITY CAST PRESENT?

>> YES.
>> I NEED YOU TO BRING YOUR A
GAME.

>> TIMES ARE CHANGING.
THIS YEAR WE'RE SWITCHING IT UP.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.

AND LUCKY FOR YOU GUYS, WE TOOK
IT UPON OURSELVES TO LEARN ALL
OF HIP HOP.

>> I'M SORRY.
YOU LEARNED ALL OF HIP HOP?
>> CORRECT.

AND IT'S GOING TO BE A FREE FORM
HIP HOP LIVE NATIVITY.
>> OKAY.

NOW, WHERE IS OUR JOSEPH.
WHERE'S OUR JOSEPH?
>> RIGHT HERE, MS. KITTY.

>> OKAY, SO JOSEPH, NOW YOU'RE
GOING TO ENTER WITH A PIMP WALK.
A PIMP WALK.

>> A WHAT?
>> A PIMP WALK.
HERE, NEALY AND I WILL SHOW YOU.

PLAY THE TRACK, SWEETIE.
GONNA BE A PIMP WALK.
A PIMP WALK.

A PIMP WALK.
A PIMP WALK.
AND YOU WANT TO GET LOW IN YOUR

BODY, GUYS, 'CAUSE HIP-HOP --
HIP-HOP'S DOWN HERE.
>> Y'ALL ARE UP HERE, BUT

HIP-HOP IS DOWN HERE.
SEE, THE STREETS ARE IN THE
KNEES.

>> OH, ARE THEY NOW?
>> YOU KNOW WHAT?
BECAUSE IT'S -- AND IT'S --

OKAY.
AND IT'S A, "I'M JOSEPH.
I'M A BABY DADDY NOW."

A PIMP WALK.
I PIMP WALK.
NOW DO IT, GO DO IT.

>> OKAY, SO LIKE --
>> PIMP WALK.
>> PIMP WALK.

>> PIMP WALK.
>> PIMP WALK.
PIMP WA --

GETTING THERE.
OKAY.
BABY, GO TO THE CORNER,

FACE THE WALL AND KEEP
PRACTICING YOUR PIMP WALK.
>> OH, SO JUST FACE THE WALL?

>> YEAH.
>> OKAY.
>> WHERE ARE MY DONKEYS AT?

>> RIGHT HERE.
>> BY ALL MEANS, TEACH ME
HIP-HOP.

>> OKAY, SO YOU THREE ARE GOING
FOLLOW JOSEPH OUT.
NOT UP HERE.

THIS IS COUNTRY MUSIC.
DOWN HERE, THIS IS HIP-HOP.
AND THEN WHEN YOU LAND, I WANT

BOOTY BOOTY.
>> DON'T YOU MEAN ASS?
>> THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

>> NOW WATCH ME POP MY BUTT.
CAN EVERYONE SEE MY BUTT?
>> CAN YOU SEE THAT POP?

IT'S A HIP POP.
IT'S A
TROT, TROT, HOP.

TROT, TROT, POP.
TROT, TROT, POP.
TROT, TROT, POP.

JUST STRAIGHT DONKEY CHRISTMAS
HIP-HOP.
POP.

>> HOW IS NO ONE FILMING THIS?
>> SORRY, JUST THROWING THIS OUT
THERE, BUT I'D BE TOTALLY COOL

JUST DOING WHAT WE PRACTICED,
MAYBE DROPPING THE WHOLE
FREEFORM HIP-HOP THING?

>> OH, BABY JESUS, PLEASE BE
QUIET AND FOCUS ON YOUR
TWERKING.

>> EXCUSE ME, TWERKING?
>> ALL RIGHT.
DONKEYS, GO OVER THERE, OKAY.

AND POP.
ALL RIGHT, ARE YOU IN YOUR
DIAPER?

>> I MEAN, YEAH.
>> OKAY, DROP, ROLL, LET'S GO.
>> OH, JESUS, MARY, AND

JULIANNA MARGULIES.
JESUS, DO YOU NOT HAVE A BUTT?
OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO

BUILD HIM A BUTT.
ALL RIGHT.
>> OKAY, WHOA, HEY, WHOA, HOLD

ON.
NO, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY -- I
DON'T WANT TO TWERK.

I'M PLAYING A BABY.
>> LISTEN, BABY JESUS CAN DO
ANYTHING.

GO!
TWERK, SON.
>> BRING IT OUT.

>> ALL RIGHT.
YOU CAN ACTUALLY TWERK.
>> IT'S A MIRACLE.

NOW, WHERE'S MY MARY?
MARY, GET OVER HERE.
>> OKAY, HOW COMFORTABLE ARE YOU

ON A STRIPPER POLE, SWEETIE?
>> I'M NOT SURE.
>> WRONG ANSWER.

I'LL DO IT.
ALL RIGHT, MARY, GO GRIND ON THE
WALL.

ALL RIGHT, DROP THE BEAT.
ALL RIGHT, GET MY JOSEPH IN ON
THE PIMP WALK.

THE PIMP WALK.
>> DONKEYS START POPPING.
COME ON.

>> YES.
>> YES.
AND BABY J IS SHAKING LIKE A

RATTLE.
>> PRAISE HIM!
PRAISE BABY JESUS!

>> OH, MY GOODNESS.
I THINK WE MIGHT JUST HAVE
OURSELVES A CHRISTMAS SHOW!

>>> DINNER IN TEN MINUTES,
JULIE.
>> OKAY, DAD.

* EVEN THAT GUY'S HAND
COULD MAKE A GOOD MAN *
* TURN BAD

SO PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE *
* LET ME, LET ME, LET ME
LET ME GET WHAT I WANT

THIS TIME *
>> MOM, CAN I HAVE A FRIEND OVER
FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER?

>> OF COURSE, SWEETIE, THE MORE
THE MERRIER.
* GET WHAT I WANT THIS TIME

HAVEN'T HAD A DREAM *
* IN A LONG TIME
SEE THE LIFE I'VE HAD *

* COULD MAKE A GOOD MAN
TURN BAD *
* SO FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE

LET ME GET WHAT I WANT *
* LORD KNOWS
IT WOULD BE THE FIRST TIME *

* LORD KNOWS
IT WOULD BE THE FIRST TIME *
**

* LORD KNOWS
IT WOULD BE THE FIRST TIME *
**

* SO PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE
LET ME, LET ME, LET ME *
* LET ME GET WHAT I WANT

THIS TIME *
* LORD KNOWS
* LET ME GET WHAT I WANT

THIS TIME *
* LORD KNOWS
IT WOULD BE THE FIRST TIME *

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
>> MOM, IT MIGHT BE TWO FRIENDS,
ACTUALLY.

**
**
**

>> DUDE.
**
**

* SO PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE
LET ME, LET ME, LET ME *
* LET ME GET WHAT I WANT

THIS TIME *
* LORD KNOWS
IT WOULD BE THE FIRST TIME *

[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
>> MOM, DON'T GET THE DOOR!
>> "THE NEXT DOOR."

THIS HOLIDAY SEASON, KNOW THY
NEIGHBOR BEFORE YOU LOVE THY
NEIGHBOR.

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN --
>> BILLIE EILISH.

**
* WHEN I'M AWAY FROM YOU
I'M HAPPIER THAN EVER

WISH I COULD
EXPLAIN IT BETTER *
* I WISH IT WASN'T TRUE

MM-HMM
GIVE ME A DAY OR TWO TO
THINK OF SOMETHING CLEVER *

* TO WRITE MYSELF A LETTER
TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO
MM-HMM

DO YOU READ MY INTERVIEWS *
* OR DO YOU SKIP MY AVENUE
WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE

PASSING THROUGH
WAS I EVEN ON YOUR WAY *
* I KNEW WHEN I ASKED YOU

TO BE COOL ABOUT
WHAT I WAS TELLING YOU *
* YOU'D DO THE OPPOSITE

OF WHAT YOU SAID YOU'D DO
AND I'D END UP MORE AFRAID
DON'T SAY IT ISN'T FAIR *

* YOU CLEARLY WEREN'T AWARE
THAT YOU MADE ME MISERABLE
OOH *

* SO IF YOU REALLY
WANNA KNOW
WHEN I'M AWAY FROM YOU

I'M HAPPIER THAN EVER *
* WISH I COULD
EXPLAIN IT BETTER

I WISH IT WASN'T TRUE
MM-HMM *
**

* YOU CALLED ME AGAIN
DRUNK IN YOUR BENZ
DRIVING HOME

UNDER THE INFLUENCE *
* YOU SCARED ME TO DEATH
BUT I'M WASTING MY BREATH

'CAUSE YOU ONLY LISTEN
TO YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS *
* I DON'T RELATE TO YOU

I DON'T RELATE TO YOU NO
'CAUSE I'D NEVER
TREAT ME THIS BADLY*

* YOU MAKE ME HATE THIS CITY
AND I DON'T TALK --
ABOUT YOU ON THE INTERNET *

* NEVER TOLD ANYONE
ANYTHING BAD
'CAUSE THAT -- EMBARRASSING

YOU WERE MY EVERYTHING *
* AND ALL THAT YOU DID
WAS MAKE ME FEEL SO SAD

SO DON'T WASTE
THE TIME I DON'T HAVE *
* AND DON'T TRY TO

MAKE ME FEEL BAD
I COULD TALK ABOUT EVERY TIME
THAT YOU SHOWED UP ON TIME *

* BUT I'D HAVE AN EMPTY LINE
'CAUSE YOU NEVER DID
NEVER PAID ANY MIND

TO MY MOTHER OR FRIENDS *
* SO I SHUT 'EM ALL OUT
FOR YOU

'CAUSE I WAS A KID
YOU RUINED EVERYTHING GOOD *
* ALWAYS SAID YOU WERE

MISUNDERSTOOD
YOU MADE ALL MY MOMENTS
YOUR OWN *

* WHY CAN'T YOU
LEAVE ME ALONE *
**

**
**
**

**
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Announcer: WANT TO HEAR MORE?

COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
>> GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."

I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST.
>>> ON THURSDAY A CHICAGO JURY

DECLARED JUSSIE SMOLLETT REALLY
BAD AT ACTING.
SMOLLETT WAS FOUND GUILTY OF

CHARGES RELATED TO STAGING A
HATE CRIME.
IT'S THE WORST STAGED HATE CRIME

SINCE MY ALL-CHRISTIAN
PRODUCTION OF "FIDDLER ON THE
ROOF."

AND IN LEGAL NEWS WHERE SOMEONE
DEFINITELY WON'T GET CONVICTED,
DONALD TRUMP IS BEING

INVESTIGATED FOR FRAUD
BY NEW YORK ATTORNEY GENERAL
LETITIA JAMES.

JAMES WANT TO DEPOSE TRUMP UNDER
OATH ON JANUARY 7th.
COME ON.

JANUARY 7th?
THAT'S THE DAY AFTER HIS
BIG ANNIVERSARY.

>>> ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT, A
FORMER STAFF MEMBER FOR VICE
PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS SAYS

THAT SHE OFTEN FAILS TO READ
BRIEFING MATERIAL AND IS
UNPREPARED FOR MEETINGS.

WOW, YOU KNOW, IT FEELS AMAZING
TO FINALLY SEE SOMEONE LIKE ME
IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

AFTER THE TREE OUTSIDE OF FOX
NEWS WAS SET ON FIRE, FOX HOST
SAID THIS SCROOGE IS NOT GOING

TO GET AWAY WITH IT.
AND NOTHING HAS EVER EXPLAINED
FOX NEWS BETTER THAN A RICH

WHITE LADY CALLING A HOMELESS
MAN SCROOGE.
[ APPLAUSE ]

SO YOU LISTEN.
TRUMP ADVISER ROGER STONE WHO
DRAWS HIS GLASSES ON WITH A

SHARPIE REFUSED TO COOPERATE IN
THE JANUARY 6th ATTACK.
THOUGH STONE SAID HE WOULD BE

OPEN TO SITTING IN THE CORNER
WATCHING THE COMMITTEE TAKE
TURNS ON HIS WIFE.

>>> RUSSIA HAS DEPLOYED
90,000 TROOPS TO ITS BORDER WITH
UKRAINE, LEADING MANY TO BELIEVE

VLADIMIR PUTIN INTENDS TO INVADE
THE COUNTRY.
AND NO OFFENSE TO UKRAINE, BUT

WHY?
IS RUSSIA RUNNING LOW ON TRACK
SUITS AND COUNTERFEIT COLOGNE?

AND AT THE SAME TIME IT'S TOUGH
FOR AMERICA TO CRITICIZE
COUNTRIES WHO TAKE LAND FROM

THEIR NEIGHBORS.
I MEAN, IT'S NOT EXACTLY A
SECRET WHERE WE GOT NEW MEXICO.

>> THE CDC BELIEVES THE OMICRON
VARIANT FIRST APPEARED IN THE
U.S. DURING A RECENT ANIME

CONVENTION IN NEW YORK.
DAMN, THE ONE TIME THEY LEAVE
THE HOUSE.

>> NEW YORK CITY WILL REQUIRE
ALL CHILDREN OVER THE AGE OF 5
TO SHOW PROOF OF VACCINATION

BEFORE DINING INDOORS OR GOING
TO AN ENTERTAINMENT VENUE,
BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING A

5-YEAR-OLD CAN DO, IT'S KEEP
TRACK OF A SMALL PIECE OF PAPER.
>> AFTER CNN FIRED CHRIS CUOMO,

IT WAS REVEALED THAT THE FORMER
ANCHOR HAS BEEN ACCUSED OF
SEXUAL MISCONDUCT JUST LIKE HIS

OLDER BROTHER.
WELL, THOSE TWO ARE QUITE A
PAIR, SAID CUOMO TO A FEMALE

COWORKER.
>>> REPRESENTATIVE DEVIN NUNES,
SEEN HERE REALIZING A LITTLE

CAME OUT ON THAT ONE --
ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS LEAVING
CONGRESS TO BECOME CEO OF

TRUMP'S NEW SOCIAL MEDIA
COMPANY.
WHICH AGAIN JUST BASED ON THIS

PHOTO WILL BE CALLED SQUIRT.
>>> AFTER TWO YEARS THE TSA
EXPECTS HOLIDAY FAMILY

GATHERINGS TO BE BACK TO
PREPANDEMIC LEVELS.
HERE TO TALK ABOUT HER FAMILY

THIS HOLIDAY IS PUNKIE JOHNSON.
>> WHAT'S GOOD, MR. CHE?
>> HEY, I'M ALL RIGHT.

SO YOU'RE TRAVELING TO SEE YOUR
FAMILY FOR CHRISTMAS, HUH?
>> I AM.

THEY ALL DOWN IN NEW ORLEANS.
YO, I GOT A BIG FAMILY, AND WE
GOT LOTS OF HOLIDAY RULES.

SO LET'S START OFF WITH THE MOST
IMPORTANT.
FOOD.

LIKE THE OLDEST PERSON MUST
ALWAYS MAKE THE POTATO SALAD
BECAUSE THEY HAVE LIVED, CHE.

THE KNOW THE SECRET INGREDIENT
ISN'T EGGS OR PAPRIKA.
IT'S PAIN, DOG.

YOU CAN'T MAKE REAL POTATO SALAD
UNLESS YOU STRUGGLE WITH BONE
DISEASE, HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, OR

YOU GREW UP DRINKING FROM A
SEGREGATED WATER FOUNTAIN, MAN.
>> YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHY MY UNCLE

MAKES OUR POTATO SALAD.
HE DON'T HAVE A FOOT.
>> DAMN!

HE AIN'T GOT NO FOOT?
IT MUST BE DELICIOUS!
>> IT'S PRETTY GOOD, PUNK.

SO, DOES EVERYBODY BRING
SOMETHING?
>> YEAH, MAN.

EVERYBODY EXCEPT FOR MY SHADY
UNCLE.
ALL HE BRING IS JUDGMENT, MAN.

HE STILL CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GAY,
HE BE LIKE, YOU STILL INTO THOSE
GIRLS, HUH?

I'M LIKE, "YES, UNC, BECAUSE
WOMEN ARE FLUFFY LIKE HOTEL
PILLOWS."

THEY SMELL LIKE CUCUMBER LEMON
AND STABILITY.
I DON'T WANT THE MAKE UP NEXT TO

NO BIG HAIRY MAN IN MY BED WITH
A BULGE IN MY BACK.
UGH!

Y'ALL JUST ROUGH LIKE BRICKS AND
SMELL LIKE NEWPORTS AND EXCUSES.
THEN HE ALWAYS ASK, "WELL, HOW

YOU EXPECT TO MAKE A BABY,
THEN?"
>> WELL, DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A

BABY?
>> I DO.
I REALLY DO.

ESPECIALLY AROUND THE HOLIDAY
TIME, YOU KNOW?
I GET BABY FEVER, YOU KNOW.

BUT I GOT TO BE HONEST, I DON'T
WANT A DAUGHTER.
>> WHY NOT?

BECAUSE WHAT IF WE SHE TURN OUT
STRAIGHT?
I DON'T WANT MY BABY GIRL TO GET

BONED.
YOU ALL FEEL ME FELLAS.
COME ON NOW.

IF I HAVE A DAUGHTER AND SHE
BRING A MAN HOME, I'LL BE LIKE,
I DIDN'T RAISE YOU LIKE THAT.

WHERE DID YOU LEARN THIS
NONSENSE, HUH?
IF I'M GAY AND YOUR MOMMA GAY,

THEN YOU GAY.
>>
>> YOU CAN'T MAKE YOUR CHILD

GAY.
>> WATCH ME.
FROM AGE 1 THROUGH 5 MY CHILD

GONNA WEAR NOTHING BUT JORDANS,
A DIAPER, GOLD CHAINS, AND A
SPORTS BRA.

SHE'LL BE GAY BY 6.
>> YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT WILL
HAPPEN.

YOU COULD HAVE A GAY SON.
>> HELL NO!
MY FAMILY MOTTO GONNA BE "I'M

SMASHING HOES, THEN EVERYBODY'S
SMASHING HOES."
THIS GOING TO BE AN HOE-SMASHING

HOUSE.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, AMERICA!
>> PUNKIE JOHNSON, EVERYBODY.

>> YO, MA, I'M PREGNANT.
>> IT WAS REPORTED THAT STALLONE
WILL PLAY AN ITALIAN MOB BOSS

FROM NEW YORK CITY IN WHAT IS AN
ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE SCENARIO FOR
THE CLOSED CAPTIONING GUY.

>>> A MAN IN INDIA SET A NEW
RECORD BY STARING AT THE SUN FOR
AN HOUR WITHOUT BLINKING.

THE RECORD IS FOR BEST DRUGS.
SGLNKTS A WOMAN TESTIFYING IN
THE SEX TRAFFICKING TRIAL OF

GHISLAINE MAXWELL SAID THAT HE
TOLD HER EPSTEIN NEEDED TO HAVE
SEX THREE TIMES A DAY.

AND IF NOT, HE'LL KILL HIMSELF.
>> BUT DO YOU GET IT?
>>> NBC SAID IT WOULD NOT AIR

THE QUALIFYING TRIALS TO THE
OLYMPIC CURLING TEAM BECAUSE OF
AN AD ON THE ICE FOR A DUTCH SEX

TOY.
OH, SO THAT'S WHAT THAT THING
IS.

>>> BAREFOOT WINE TEAMED UP WITH
OREOS TEAMED UP FOR RED WINE
WITH HINTS OF CHOCOLATE.

>>> A NEW REPORT SHOWS THAT
FEMALE DOCTORS MAKE $2 MILLION
LESS THAN MEN.

THAT'S JUST NOT RIGHT.
I MEAN, FEMALE DOCTORS?
>> A NEW STUDY FINDS THAT IF

CATS WERE HUMANS, THEIR BEHAVIOR
WOULD CLASSIFY THEM AS PSYCHO
PATHS.

WHILE IF DOGS WERE HUMAN, THEY
WOULD GET ME TOOED ON DAY ONE.
>>> A NEW REPORT LONDON ENGLAND.

HERE'S AN IDEA.
MAYBE STOP DRIVING ON THE WRONG
SIDE OF THE ROAD?

>>> KENTUCKY FRI CHICKEN IS
TESTING A NEW DIPPING SAUCE
CALLED SWEET HOT CAPITAL CITY

MAMBO SAUCE.
COINCIDENTALLY SWEET HOT CAPITAL
CITY MAMBO SAUCE IS ALSO WHAT

JOST CALLS RAP MUSIC.
>> NO.
ONCE.

>>> WE HERE AT "UPDATE" SURE DO
LOVE ANIMALS.
DOGS, CATS, LOVE THOSE GUYS.

HERE TO DO HIS NEW ANIMAL
SEGMENT, ANDY'S AMAZING ANIMALS,
IS OUR OWN ANDREW DISMUKES.

>> HEY.
YEAH.
HEY.

HEY, THERE, COLIN.
RAWR!
JUST GOOFING.

>> THAT WAS GREAT.
>> HEY, ANDREW.
I REALLY LOVE THE FACE PAINT.

>> THANKS.
>> YEAH, I UNDERSTAND YOU ALSO
BROUGHT SOME ANIMAL FRIENDS WITH

YOU TODAY.
>> THAT'S RIGHT, COLIN.
ANIMALS CAN DO SOME PRETTY

INCREDIBLE STUFF AND TODAY I
BROUGHT MY SMARTEST FRIEND,
BONGO THE OCTOPUS.

>> WOW.
>> YEAH, SO BONGO HERE IS
ACTUALLY SOMEWHAT OF A PSYCHIC.

IN FACT, HE'S CORRECTLY
PREDICTED THE WINNER OF THE LAST
THREE WORLD CUPS.

AND TODAY HE'LL BE PREDICTING
THE WINNER OF SUNDAY'S GAME
BETWEEN THE PACKERS AND BEARS.

>> WOW, VERY COOL.
SO HOW DOES IT WORK?
>> WELL, WHEN I SAY "GO," BONGO

WILL USE HIS SHARPIE TO CHECK
OFF WHICH TEAM HE PREDICTS IS
GOING TO WIN.

>> OKAY, WELL THEN, LET'S GET
STARTED.
>> ALL RIGHT, ARE YOU READY,

BONGO?
BEGIN.
YOU KNOW, COLIN, OCTOPI ARE

HIGHLY INTUITIVE.
THEY CAN ANTICIPATE STRESSFUL
SITUATIONS AND EVEN EXPERIENCE

COMPLEX EMOTIONS.
>> WOW, I MEAN, THAT'S REALLY
COOL, ANDREW.

[ DING ]
>> OH, TIME'S UP.
OKAY, BONGO.

WHAT IS YOUR PREDICTION?
>> WAIT, WHAT?
DOES THAT SAY YOU'RE GOING TO

DIE IN SEVEN DAYS?
>> BONGO, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
>> ANDREW, I DON'T THINK AN

OCTOPUS CAN --
>> SHH, SHH, SHUT UP, COLIN.
>> BONGO, YOU SEE WHAT MAN

CANNOT.
THEREFORE, I WILL ACCEPT MY
DESTINY.

BONGO THE OCTOPUS, EVERYONE.
>> WOW.
>> WASN'T THAT AMAZING, COLIN?

>> ANDREW, ARE YOU OKAY?
>> YEAH.
I JUST THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO

PICK THE PACKERS, BUT I GUESS
INSTEAD I'M GOING TO DIE.
>> DO YOU WANT TO, YOU KNOW, I

DON'T KNOW, STOP THE SEGMENT?
>> NAH, I'M GOOD.
WE ALL GOTTA DIE SOMETIME,

RIGHT?
MY NEXT FURRY FRIEND IS ONE
TALKATIVE POOCH.

IT'S TACO THE TALKING DOG!
YES.
HERE HE COMES.

OKAY.
OKAY.
TACO, LET'S GET TACO.

SO TACO HERE COMMUNICATES BY
PUSHING THESE BUTTONS, AND HE
CAN EVEN SOLVE SOME BASIC MATH

PROBLEMS.
LITTLE SHY.
HE CAN EVEN SOLVE SOME BASIC

MATH PROBLEMS.
TACO, WHAT'S FOUR PLUS FOUR?
>> ARE YOU GOING TO DIE?

>> YES, I THINK SO.
BUT YOU DON'T GOT TO WORRY ABOUT
THAT.

JUST TELL ME, WHAT'S FOUR PLUS
FOUR?
>> ARE YOU SCARED?

>> OF COURSE I'M SCARED, BUT
BONGO SAYS IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN,
SO IT'S PRETTY MUCH A DONE DEAL.

TACO, WHAT'S FOUR PLUS FOUR?
>> I LOVE YOU.
>> I LOVE YOU, TOO, TAC.

HOW ABOUT FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE,
YOU TELL ME -- WHAT'S FOUR PLUS
FOUR?

>> THREE.
>> THAT'S NOT IT.
>> THREE.

>> NO, NO IT'S NOT.
IT'S NOT THREE, BUD.
>> JUST MESSING.

IT'S EIGHT.
>> YOU SON OF A [ BLEEP ].
YOU GOT ME AGAIN.

>> ANDY'S AMAZING ANIMALS,
EVERYONE.
>> I'M GOING TO DIE.

>> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M
COLIN JOST.
>> I'M MICHAEL CHE.

>> I'M MICHAEL CHE.
GOODNIGHT!
**

>>> HEY, GIRLS, I HAVE A
CHRISTMAS QUESTION FOR YOU.
HAS THIS EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?

>> IT SURE HAS, LESLIE D.
>> WAIT, I HAVEN'T ASKED YOU
YET.

>> ASKED US WHAT, LESLIE D.?
>> JUST LET ME ASK IT AND THEN
YOU'LL KNOW.

>> OKAY, DON'T GET MAD.
>> GIRLS, I'M ASKING IF YOU EVER
DREAMED OF MEETING SOMEONE YOUR

WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE, AND THEN WHEN
YOU FINALLY GOT THE CHANCE, IT
DIDN'T GO QUITE AS PLANNED?

>> OH, WE KNOW JUST WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT.
>> BUT SING ABOUT IT ANYWAY JUST

IN CASE WE DIDN'T.
* IT WAS A WINTER'S NIGHT
A QUARTER TO THREE *

* I WAS DOZING BY MY
CHRISTMAS TREE *
* WHEN HE APPEARED WITH A

FULL WHITE BEARD *
* THE VERY GUY
THAT I REVERED *

* I'M TALKING SANTA
SANTA *
* I WAS IN THE SAME

ROOM WITH HIM **
>> YOU MET THE SANTA, LIKE FROM
THE BIBLE?

>> WERE YOU NERVOUS, LESLIE D.?
>> WAS I EVER?
HOO.

* BUT I SAID TO MYSELF
DON'T BE A FOOL *
* BE SMOOTH AS ICE

AND PLAY IT COOL *
* SO HERE IS WHAT I SAID **
>> HEY, SEXY, MOMMA.

NICE TEETH.
* MADE IT WEIRD
WITH SANTA

* SANTA **
>> NOW, WHY DID YOU GO AHEAD AND
CALL HIM MOMMA,

LESLIE D.?
>> I DON'T KNOW, I WAS NERVOUS.
HE'S FAMOUS.

I THOUGHT IF I WINKED HE'D KNOW
I WAS KIDDING.
* DOES SANTA HATE ME

IT'S ANYONE'S GUESS *
* HE SAI
AND I SAID YES *

* HE ASKED IF SHE'D
BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE *
* AND I SAID **

>> WHO'S ASKING, VIRGIN?
* YEAH, MADE IT WEIRD
WITH SANTA

SANTA **
>> WAS DOES THAT EVEN MEAN,
LESLIE D.?

>> I DON'T KNOW.
IT JUST CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH.
>> WHAT DID SANTA DO?

* HE GAVE AN ODD SMILE
AND SAID OKAY, SURE *
* THEN HE SORT OF STARTED

HEADING TOWARDS THE DOOR *
>> NOT THE CHIMNEY?
>> NO.

I THINK HE JUST WANTED TO GET
OUT OF THERE, SO I SAID, "OKAY,
SANTA, YOU DO YOU."

* AND THEN I MADE
FINGER GUNS
AND I WENT ZOOP ZOOP **

>> YIKES.
WHAT IS I DON'T THINK WITH YOU?
* DON'T FEEL BAD

IT HAPPENS TO US ALL *
* WE MET HIM ONCE AT
A CHRISTMAS BALL *

* ASKED IF HE COULD WRESTLE
AND WE SHOULD *
* HAVE REHEARSED

'CAUSE THEN HE ASKED *
* IF WE'D BEEN GOOD AND
HERE'S WHAT HE SAID **

>> YOU TELL ME, MR. JINGLE
.
YOU'RE IN CHARGE, DADDY.

I THOUGHT I WAS FLIRTING.
I DON'T KNOW.
BUT I THEN I REMEMBERED, MAYBE

HE HAS A WIFE.
SO THEN I SAID, "HEY, SANTA, YOU
AND MRS. CLAUS NEVER HAD

CHILDREN.
WAS THAT A CONSCIOUS DECISION OR
WAS THERE A HEALTH ISSUE THERE?

OR ARE THE ELVES YOUR CHILDREN
AND YOU KEEP TRYING TO MAKE A
REAL TALL ONE?"

>> NO!
>> THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
>> HE ASKED ME WHAT MY NAME WAS

AND I SAID BETH, AND HE SAID,
"GET AWAY FROM ME BETH."
* I DON'T THINK I'M ON

GOOD TERMS WITH SANTA
SANTA **
>> BUT IT GETS WORSE.

'CAUSE THEN I SAID, "SORRY,
SANTA, WE'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE.
BUT JUST SO YOU KNOW, YOUR FLY

IS DOWN."
AND HE SAID, "NO, THAT'S JUST
THE FUZZY SEAM ON MY SANTA

SUIT."
AND I SAID, "NO, LOOK."
AND THEN I TOUCHED HIM DOWN

THERE.
>> WHY?
>> I DON'T KNOW.

BECAUSE MY BRAIN DOESN'T WORK.
* WE REALLY BLEW IT
WITH SANTA

SANTA *
* HE THINKS I'M A DODO
HE THINKS I'M A DOOF *

* MY OH, MY, WHAT'S THE
SOUND ON THE ROOF **
>> HO HO HO.

>> SANTA!
>> PRANCER SAID I SHOULD GIVE
YOU ONE MORE CHANCE.

AFTER ALL IT IS CHRISTMAS IN TWO
WEEKS.
** IT'S NOT ABOUT SANTA.

WE'RE NOT GOOD IN CROWDS *
* WE NEVER KNOW WHAT
WE'LL SAY OUT LOUD

>> ALL IS FORGIVEN.
IN FACT, I BRING GIFTS
AND I THANK YOU FOR THIS

JAZZY CHRISTMAS RIFT *
>> WOW!
>> SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

>> MY WIFE!
>> TRY AGAIN.
>> THANK YOU, SANTA!

WE'RE WEIRD.
BUT WE LOVE YOU.
>> HEY.

SANTA'S A LITTLE WEIRD, TOO.
* MERRY CHRISTMAS *
* MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* MERRY CHRISTMAS *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I KNOW, IT'S LIKE, WHAT DO I

GET MY DAD FOR CHRISTMAS?
>> BUYING PRESENTS IS THE WORST.
>> YEAH, IT'S SO STRESSFUL.

>> TOTALLY.
AND WHAT'S UP WITH SANTA'S
CLOTHES?

IT'S LIKE, YOU MIGHT WANT TO
UPDATE THAT WARDROBE, RIGHT?
>> YEAH.

HEY, KYLE.
>> QUESTION FOR YOU -- WHAT ARE
YOU ALL DOING FOR CHRISTMAS?

SHOULD WE DO SOMETHING TOGETHER?
THAT'D BE KIND OF WEIRD AND
COOL.

>> I MEAN, I'M GOING HOME.
>> YEAH, IT'S FAMILY FOR ME.
>> AH, DOPE.

WELL, IF THINGS CHANGE I'M JUST
CHILLING OVER THE BREAK, SO HIT
ME UP.

>> OKAY.
>> GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE.
TINY TOM.

>> IT'S NOT TINY TOM.
IT'S THOMPSON.
>> NO.

>> OH, MAN.
BLESS HIS HEART.
**

>> BOWEN, MY DASTARDLY
COMPANION.
>> OH, HEY, KYLE.

>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR XMAS.
>> MY PARENTS ARE FLYING IN.
>> WELL, IF THE PLANE CRASHES OR

ANYTHING I'LL JUST BE LOUNGING
IN THE CITY.
SO, HIT ME UP.

>> JESUS.
>> REMEMBER, DON'T BE NAUGHTY.
OH, OH.

JACOB.
COOLEST PAGE EVER.
HEY, YOU GET TO SPEND CHRISTMAS

WITH ME.
I KNOW, I'M SORT OF AN "SNL"
VET, BUT I'M SURPRISINGLY DOWN

TO HANG WITH PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
>> OH, I ACTUALLY CAN'T.
I'M GOING UPSTATE.

>> BUT I'M ON THE CAST.
>> ARE YOU CRYING?
>> NO, NO, NO.

I WAS JUST THINKING HOW COOL IT
IS THAT SANTA DOES IT ALL IN ONE
NIGHT.

THE GUY'S A MONSTER.
* JUST ANOTHER CHRISTMAS
ALONE *

>> WOW.
>> KYLE, YOU'RE A GREAT SINGER.
>> I KNOW.

THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE ME ON
THIS SHOW.
I HAVE NO ONE TO SPEND CHRISTMAS

WITH.
EVEN THE PLEASE DON'T DESTROY
GUYS SAID I SHOULDN'T BE ALIVE.

>> WOW, SORRY, MAN.
BUT CHRISTMAS ISN'T JUST ABOUT
WHERE YOU ARE ON DECEMBER 25th.

IT'S ABOUT THE LOVE THAT
SURROUNDS YOU EVERY DAY.
I BET THERE'S A LOT OF CHRISTMAS

JOY HERE AT 30 ROCK.
>> YEAH.
I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> SO, GO AHEAD.
WHO BRINGS CHRISTMAS JOY INTO
YOUR LIFE?

>> WELL, THERE'S KENAN THOMPSON.
HE STILL CALLS ME BECK BENNETT.
BUT I CAN TELL THAT HIS HEART IS

DEFINITELY IN THE RIGHT PLACE.
AND NOBONE'S BETTER THAN HEIDI
AND EGO.

THEY'RE SO FUNNY.
THEY'VE GOT THIS GREAT BIT GOING
WHERE THEY JUST DON'T FOLLOW ME

ON INSTAGRAM.
CAN'T FORGET PETE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S TOUGH BEING THE

HANDSOME GUYS ON THE SHOW.
TABLOIDS JUST WON'T LEAVE US
ALONE.

I GUESS EVERYONE HERE BRINGS ME
JOY.
EXCEPT MAYBE MIKEY DAY.

I REALLY DON'T LIKE HIM.
I THINK HE'S FAKE.
I HAVE A FANTASY WHERE I CATCH

HIM ON A WRITE-IN NIGHT ALL
ALONE.
THEN, I TIE HIM UP.

I'M WEARING A MASK, BUT I LET
HIM GET A PEEK AT WHO'S IN
CHARGE.

>> KYLE?
>> YOU GUESSED IT.
>> I THROW HIM IN A CLOSET.

KICK HIM AROUND A LITTLE BIT.
POUR SOME GAS TEEN ON HIM.
GET SOME MATCHES.

THEN, I GO ON HIS COMPUTER,
CHANGE THE ALL THE MIKEYS IN HIS
SCRIPT TO KYLES.

AND THEN LOOK AT ME.
I'M THE STAR OF THE SHOW.
I'M DOM JUNIOR!

SO, YEAH, TO ANSWER YOUR
QUESTION, IT'S VERY JOYFUL TO BE
HERE AT 30 ROCK.

>> HOLY [ BLEEP ].
>> THANKS FOR THE HELP, BILLIE.
AND MERRY CHRISTMAS.

AH, WHAT'S UP, MIKEY?
WHOA, COOL SHOES, MAN.
>> THANKS.

>> HEY, BILLIE, HOW'S IT GOING?
>> RUN.
QUIT THE SHOW.

YOU'RE NOT SAFE.
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM
MAT SHAT, DOM JUNIOR, FLUSTERED

MAT SHAT, DOM JUNIOR, FLUSTERED
CUSTOMER, AND ALL YOUR FAVORITE
KYLE MOONEY CHARACTERS.

>> ONCE AGAIN, BILLIE EILISH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
**
* HOME ALONE

TRYIN' NOT TO EAT
DISTRACT MYSELF
WITH PORNOGRAPHY *

* I HATE THE WAY
SHE LOOKS AT ME
I CAN'T STAND THE DIALOGUE

SHE WOULD NEVER BE *
* THAT SATISFIED
IT'S A MALE FANTASY

I'M GOING BACK TO THERAPY *
* 'CAUSE I LOVED YOU THEN
AND I LOVE YOU NOW

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW *
* GUESS IT'S HARD TO KNOW
WHEN NOBODY ELSE COMES AROUND

IF I'M GETTING OVER YOU
OR JUST PRETENDING TO *
* BE ALL RIGHT

CONVINCE MYSELF
I HATE YOU *
**

* I GOT A CALL FROM
A GIRL I USED
TO KNOW *

* WE WERE INSEPARABLE
YEARS AGO
THOUGHT WE'D GET ALONG

BUT IT WASN'T SO *
* AND IT'S ALL I THINK ABOUT
WHEN I'M BEHIND THE WHEEL

I WORRY THIS IS HOW
I'M ALWAYS GONNA FEEL *
* BUT NOTHING LASTS

I KNOW THE DEAL
BUT I LOVED YOU THEN
AND I LOVE YOU NOW *

* AND I DON'T KNOW HOW
GUESS IT'S HARD TO KNOW
WHEN NOBODY ELSE COMES AROUND

IF I'M GETTING OVER YOU *
* OR JUST PRETENDING TO
BE ALL RIGHT

CONVINCE MYSELF I HATE YOU
CAN'T GET OVER YOU *
* NO MATTER WHAT I DO

I KNOW I SHOULD BUT
I COULD NEVER HATE YOU *
**

**
>>> SERVICES.
AMENITIES.

ELEVATOR.
CURTAINS WITH STICKS.
YOU'LL FIND ALL THIS AND MORE AT

BUSINESS GARDEN INN AND SUITES
AND HOTEL ROOM INN.
HELLO, I'M KATHLYN, THE FRONT

DESK GIRL.
>> AND I'M KATHREEN, THE SAME
PERSON AS HER.

>> OTHER HOTELS PROVIDE
RELAXATION, LUXURY, AND ROMANCE.
OUR ROOMS PROVIDE EVERY COMFORT

PROVIDED BY LAW.
TINY SOAP IN PLASTIC.
>> PHONE THAT BLINKS.

>> BAND-AID COLORED BLANKET.
>> CHAIR FOR SUITCASE.
>> BLACK AND WHITE PHOTO OF

FERRIS WHEEL.
>> AND DRYER THAT GOES --
>> SHORT GLASS WEARING A LITTLE

HAT.
>> AND SMALL STAIN IN PLACE YOU
HAVE TO TOUCH.

>> ENJOY OUR HOT TUB, ALWAYS
OCCUPIED BY AN 8-YEAR-OLD BOY IN
GOGGLES ALWAYS STARING AT YOUR

BREASTS.
HE'S BEEN IN THERE FOR HARMLESS
AND HE'S NOT GETTING OUT UNTIL

YOU DO.
>> WANT TO SEE THE LOCAL SIGHTS?
ASK OUR CONCIERGE, DOREEN.

>> BUT BE WARNED, SHE'S HAVING A
HARD MONTH EVERY MONTH.
>> LOOK FOR ADVENTURE.

SEE THE CAVES.
EVERY TOWN H CAVES.
I'D LOVE TO GO, BUT I CAN'T

AFFORD TO.
I APOLOGIZE FOR CRYING WHEN YOU
STOPPED BY EARLIER.

I DIDN'T SLEEP WELL LAST NIGHT.
MY DOGS HAVE TAKEN OVER THE BED
AND THE FERAL CAT I RESCUED BIT

ME PRETTY HARD.
SO, PLEASE, FOR ME,
PLEASE SEE THE CAVES.

>> VISIT US, AND SEE WHY TRIP
ADVISER CALLED US ONE BIG STOCK
PHOTO YOU CAN SLEEP IN.

>> AND WHY THE NEWS CALLED US
THE PLACE THAT MAN DID THOSE
THINGS.

>> WE PUT THE HOSPITAL IN
HOSPITALITY.
>> SITUATED BETWEEN THE DMV AND

DARKENED SONIC.
IT'S THE LOCATION THAT WILL MAKE
YOUR UBER DRIVE SAY, "YOU SURE?"

>> AND BREAKFAST MEANS MORNING
HERE AT BUSINESS GARDEN INN AND
SUITE AND HOTEL ROOM INN.

>> FILL UP ON ALL YOUR
CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST FAVORITES
LIKE --

>> WET EGGS.
>> CEREAL IN GUMBALL MACHINE.
>> DIY WAFFLES.

>> SAUSAGE THAT SQUIRTS.
>> AND YOGURT IN A FRIDGE THAT
GETS PAD LOCKED AT 8:59 A.M.

>> NO MERCY.
YOU CAN LOOK, BUT YOU CAN'T
TOUCH.

>> YOU WANTED YOGURT?
WAKE UP AT 4:00, BITCH.
>> AND WHATEVER YOU NEED, DAY OR

NIGHT, JUST ASK TREVOR, OUR
BELLHOP/VALET/NIGHT
MANAGER/IN-HOUSE DOCTOR.

>> I WILL DROP YOUR BAGS.
I WILL SCRATCH YOUR CAR.
I WILL WATCH JOE ROGAN VIDEOS ON

MY PHONE, NO HEADPHONES.
IF YOU'RE A MAN, I WILL TELL YOU
WHERE THE STRIP CLUBS ARE.

I WILL OFFER TO GET YOU COCAINE,
AND THEN I WILL FLAKE.
I AM CHAOS.

>> SO NEXT TIME YOU TRAVEL,
PLEASE STAY WITH US.
>> OUR GUESTS JOIN US FOR ALL OF

LIFE'S LESS SPARKLY MOMENTS.
>> BUSINESS CONFERENCE.
>> INTERVENTION.

>> MAGIC THE GATHERING
TOURNAMENT.
>> AFFAIR WITH OLD MAN.

>> MEETING STRANGER WHO CLAIMS
TO HAVE INFORMATION.
>> FUNERAL FOR AUNT WHO DIED

DRIVING THE WRONG WAY ON THE
TACONIC STATE PARKWAY.
>> CULT DEPROGRAMMING.

>> AFTER-PROM HAND STUFF.
>> AND HIDING FROM THE POLICE.
>> SO JOIN US AT BUSINESS GARDEN

INN AND SUITES AND HOTEL ROOM
INN.
>> IT'S LIKE WE ALWAYS SAY --

>> WE MAY NOT BE THE
RITZ CARLTON.
>> BUSINESS GARDEN INN AND

>> BUSINESS GARDEN INN AND
SUITES AND HOTEL ROOM INN.
SEE THE CAVES.