All language subtitles for Letterkenny s10e04 Prostate.eng

You were a wee bit
over the legal limit

with your pals the other day.

What're you looking at?

- Huh?
- Huh?

- Wayne.
- Huh?

- What's good?
- Nothin'.

Okay, well, what was good?

Oh, darts I smoked,
and hearts I broke'd.

- What?
- Nothin'.

Yous hammered good, buddy?

- Who, me?
- He's hammered.

What's that?

You get into a little
happy hour over there, bud?

- I'm always happy, Katy.
- Where's Rosie?

She never get out of it.

Nothing beats a cat nap
betw.

Couple Caesars
will do that to a gal.

Some snackin' in there, too.

There's some pretzels
with the Caesars.

You better watch out there,
good buddy,

you're gonna get
scoliosis of the liver.

Nope, don't think
that was right, Dary.

- Nope.
- Fine.

He's gonna get
psoriasis of the liver.

- Uh-uh.
- Strike two.

Okay, spina bifida of the liver.

- Air ball.
- Hang 'em up.

Okay, serendipitous of the liver
and just leave it at that.

Did yous know that there's a bar
in Moncton, New Brunswick

that'll give you three
rye and cokes for nine bucks?

Come off it.

Yeah, it's the home of
the 3-for-9.

What is this, 2003s?

Says right on the sign there,
it's the home of the 3-for-9.

Home of where threes are nines.

- Where'd you read that?
- On the internet.

Does it have to be
rye and cokes?

You got a problem?

- No, I just--
- You want one?

Just some people
like rum and cokes

better than rye and cokes.

Yeah, or rum and 7's,
rye and 7's.

Rye and gingers. Vodka 7's.

Vodka tonic. Gin soda.

Seven and tonic,
if you like a mocktail.

Gin and 7's. Rum 'n' ginger.

- Highballs.
- What'd you call me?

An ounce of booze with
a we.

If you wanna...

You think they
designed the 3-for-9?

Be, like, clientele
pays with a ten,

and then the extra buck
would go for a tip?

That's only ten percent.

Yeah, I bet that is
how they designed it.

Here's three highballs
for nine bucks.

Clientele hands them a ten,

and the extra loonie
is for the bartender.

What is this cheapskate
beat-skate

New Brunswick bull crap?

Yeah, cost of living ain't
too highs in New Brunswick,

so there's no excuse
for tippings poorly.

Yeah.

That's why I said
it's just a loonie.

I was out there one time and I
h.

- Huh?
- Was just sayin'

I was out there one time and
he.

- Loanie?
- Yeah, like loanie.

More bass-ackwards
New Brunswick bull crap.

Actually, as I recall dude
said he was from, like,

the other side of
the Great Lakes.

Oh, so then it'd be
a Minnesota loanie.

Or a Wisconsin loanie.

Can you imagine being
the cheapskate beat-skate

New Brunswicker who doesn't give
?

She'd say, "What're you
gonna do with that loanie?

He'd say, "It's not yours
until I give it to you."

She'd say, "You get your
mitts off that loanie."

"Oh, you got big plans
for that loanies do yas?"

"What're you gonna
do with that loanie?"

"You got kids?

If you did you'd know
a loanie goes a long way."

Then she'd say, "I do have kids

and I came a long
way for this loanie."

"What're you gonna
do with that loanie?"

"What I do with the loanie is
none of your beeswax."

"That's my
New Brunswick loanie."

"It's not even a toanie.
It's only a loanie."

"It's not a toanie,
so you'll have no problem

parting with the loanie."

"Oh, you got big plans
for the loanie?"

"What're you gonna do
with that loanie?

"Take the whole family down
Disney with that loanie."

- "Buy a boat with the loanie."
"

"Fur coat with a loanie."

"Tell me what you're
gonna do with that loanie!"

Tip your server.

♪

Laundry day then, eh?

Dr. Rutherford retired.

- Did he really?
- Dum-diddie-doo.

- He was a good guy.
- He's a good guy.

- He was a great guy.
- Well, now there's a new guy.

Is that what there is?

You've got an appointment
to open up a file with him

- this morning.
- What for?

Because everyone
needs a family doctor.

Oh, I know everybody
needs a family doctor,

but I got chorin'
to do this mornin'.

Yeah?
What about this afternoon?

- Chorin'.
- This evening?

- Chorin'.
- Any and every idle moment?

Chores?

You've got an appointment
this morning to open a file.

Pitter patter.

- Okay, Katy.
- Katy, okay.

Maybe you oughta see
if he's got time for you, too.

Figure out why you've
been allergic to clothes

your whole fucking life.

♪ Do you believe in me
like I believe in you? ♪

(Gasping) Wayne!

Glen.

I know what you're thinking.

"This guy does everything!"

- Which guy?
- Me.

- Well, do you?
- I would.

Alright.

Katy called this morning
and said that you need

a little check-up,
and I said to her,

"Well, we do everything
from coughs to colds

to pimples on your dinkie."

Oh, is that what you said?

Wayne...

I'm going to need
to pull your file.

I think it's over here.

Nope, not that one.

Sometimes I like to
keep it on the bottom.

There it is.

Hm. Alright, Wayne,
you can take a seat.

Doctor will be with you shortly.

WAYNE:
Thank you.

Hey, brother.

Coach, how are ya now?

(Groaning)

Not so bad.

(Groaning) Going pretty
hard at the gym, right?

Probably tell from my bod.

Can confirm.

I was at the gym this morning,

and the owner of the gym
comes over and she says,

she says to me, "Hey, I think
you're here more than I am."

- Oh, is that what she said?
- Yeah, yeah.

She owns the gym.

Yeah, so you'd think no one
would be there more than her.

- Where? At the gym?
- Yeah.

Yeah. Well, she said it
not me, so...

Well, there ya go.

Come to think of it,
I neve,

how you keep such a sweet bod?

Lift with your legs,
not with your back.

Where? At the gym? Why?

If you don't
you'll get hemorrhoids.

Big T, how are ya now?

- Good, and you?
- Not so bad.

- Why are ya here?
- Gettin' my tits done.

Hey, been going
pretty hard at the gym.

Probably tell from my bod.

You here to open a new file with
the new doc, too?

- No.
- Oh, why then?

Got hemorrhoids.

What, so you're going to
walk in there and say,

"How you like them apples?"

I'll say,
"You wanna see a cherry tart?"

Tyson?

Yous must'a been early.

Well, if you're not
10 minutes early, you're late.

- Doctor.
- Eh, call me doc.

What do you think
his real name is?

Looks like a Darren.

I think he looks
like a Jim.

Wow, you really do
lift a lot of weights.

It ain't your
grandma's cherry cobbler.

Eh, I prefer a cherry crumble,

but what I see here is
more of a raspberry crisp.

I'm going to write
you a script.

It's an ointment. You're gonna
apply it three times a day.

You can use the applicator
or your finger,

but if you use your finger,
you gotta go in knuckle deep.

Hey, is there such thing
as a three-knuckler?

Only recreationally.

Hey, when was your
last prostate exam?

GLEN: (Knocking)
Need a hand in there, doc?

Maybe a finger?

Nope.

GLEN: Okay, I'll be right
out.

Mm-hm. So...

Not for love or money, doc.

You've never had
a prostate exam?

Not for all
the tea in China.

A prostate exam is a standard

and very important part
of any head-to-toe physical.

It's my responsibility
to strongly suggest one

with every new file I open.

Glad I ain't opening one.

Well, we're already here.
Why don't I just

saunter up there and check your
Attorney General?

Mm, I don't have time.

You never
had one before, right?

- No, but--
- Well, now's the time.

Alright, don't worry.
The exam only takes a second.

(Blowing)
This is clean.

Well, how are
the cherry tomatoes?

You guys are here to
open a new file, right?

- Just a bit of lip filler.
- I'm seri', dawg.

Just pop in before the gym.
What's up, brother?

Opening up a new file involves
a head-to-toe physical.

What, are you saying
there's a pedicure, too, or?

Guess what comes with
a head-to-toe physical.

Gym membership.

(Whistling)

Now, I want to make sure
I heard that right.

(Whistling)

So, you said...

(Whistling)

- (Whistling)
- You mean...

(Both whistling)

- GLEN: Wayne.
- Pardon?

- The doctor will see you now.
- I'm out.

Or it says Coach?

- Mm-hm.
- Whoever wants to go first.

Just give me a sec to disinfect.

- I gotta go to the gym.
- I gotta get to chorin'.

- Well, gym's more important.
-.

BOTH: You wanna just go?
Let's just go.

- How're you now?
- Good, and you?

- Not so bad.
- There you go.

Gonna do some
chorin' this afternoon?

Yeah. Just takin' five
before chores?

Yeah. It's like,
a pretty good five.

Yeah. Might, uh...

Might end up takin'
a real good five here.

Did you hear
Dr. Rutherford's retiring?

Yeah. He was a good guy.

- He's a good guy.
- He was a great guy.

So, you gonna go open up
a file with the new guy?

I may.

That's good. Everybody should
have a family doctor.

For sure.

Mm-hm.

They should...

And you?

Yeah, thought I'd go down there.

Oh.

- So I did.
- Did you really?

Went down after 'brefakst'.

So, is it true...

that you get a head-to-toe
physical

when you open up
a new file, or...

- Can confirm.
- Alright.

So, do you want to
do anything notable...

...in and around
the end of 'er, or?

Yeah, you could call it notable.

What was it?

Um...

Tunneling?

Oof. Oof. Oof-oof-oof.

It's in the gallery, or?

- Down the crawlspace.
- Alright.

Well, how was that for ya?

I heard that sort of thing
can.

Well, how would it do that?

Well...

you let someone
go up there once,

and it just doesn't work
anymore.

Oh, like it just stops working.

- Bottoms up.
- Like, instantly,

or you just-- you just--

like, losing power to
the dash for a wee bit?

Nope, she won't turn over.

And no matter
how many times you try.

- Nope, won't even spark.
- That right?

Is that right?

So, did you...

end up opening, uh...

a new file there, or?

Well--

How's the garburator, doc?

Well, it's good for me,
but I think your dentist

- would tell you to floss.
- Yeah, guess I could

try out those white strips
I got for Christmas.

Well, alright, Daryl.
Take your pants down.

GLEN: (Knocking)
Need a hand in there, doc?

- Maybe a finger?
- Nope.

GLEN: Okay, I'll be right
out.

Mm-hm. So...

Just take my pants down?

Yeah, take your pants down.

I'll do your
biannual prostate exam,

and then we'll get you back
to that... (Sniffing)

...barn it smells like
you just came from.

Well, I just,
I never had one before.

Wait, Dr. Rutherford never
met your sheriff's deputy?

- Nope.
- Your Hochelaga-Maisonneuve.

- Nope.
- Went outsi?

Never.

No quick Uncle Sam?

- Uh-uh..
- Huh.

Never touched the grand gland,
eh?

Well, we're here now,
so why don't we just

dance on up there
and check out Bobcaygeon?

I, just-- maybe I don't
have time right now.

You never had one before, right?

Well, no, but--

Then now is the time.
Don't worry.

The exam only takes a second.

Oh, I should put on my glove.

And then straight
up the channel?

Oh, no, I pumped the brakes.

- Did you really?
- Yep.

How?

I said I had to poo.

You said you had to poo.

Yeah. I said I'd never had
to.

Right then and there.

So, took my pants back up,
said I had to poo.

No, but I thought you said
you had to poo to get out of

taking your pants down.

No, I got the idea
for saying I had to poo

after I had took my pants down.

Yeah, but--
(Scoffing)

--you were pert'
around the bases.

Yeah.

You shoulda just
let him slide into home.

- Yeah.
- Oh, Dary. I feel you.

That's going to be the one
that got away, good buddy.

- Yeah, but--
- No but...

It's just...

Have you-- You know how you have
to spread your butt cheeks

sometimes 'cause
you're going to--

Sure, sure.

Well, have you ever
had another man

spread your butt cheeks for ya?
(Voicing rising in pitch)

Well, no.

Well, it's a bit... queer.

I'll let you have that one.

This man wanted to spread
my butt cheeks wide open

and just--
(Whistling)

Yeah, that's--
that's why Tyson said.

He said... (Whistling)

(Whistling)

And that was all just
a bit too much for you then?

Yeah, so I took my pants up
and hit eject on the...

(Whistling)

But you're right at
the doorstep of the...

(Whistling)

But I couldn't, you know...
(Whistling)

But couldn't you just...
(Whistling)

KATY: Hey.

Whistle while you work?

Have you no fucking garments?

The clinic called.

'Kay.

Why'd you miss
your appointment?

- Glen tattled?!
- I never said it was Glen.

Why'd you miss your appointment?

Well, I'm not gonna tell you
un.

Doesn't matter who tattled.

You're not s'posed to tattle,
Katy!

Yet here you are
telling me to tattle.

You know, I go through
the trouble of making you

that appointment, and then you
go being ignorant of my time?

It wasn't on fucking purpose!

Glen says that if you leave
ri.

Oh, Glen said that, did he?

Well, guess you just shot
you.

Go.

BOTH:
No!

Go! Scooch your bum.

(Whistling)

(Typing loudly)

Daryl! Wayne!

Glen.

You twos left in
a hurry this morning.

Did you forget to
say goodbye to someone?

I had to poo.

Thank you for your honesty,
Daryl. Wayne?

I had a spin class.

You had a spin class?

Monday, Wednesday,
and twice on Friday.

I'll have to verify that.
Let me see your calves.

Look, can the doc
still fit us in or no?

I'll have to
verify that also.

Let me pull your files.

Okay. Yeah.

Go ahead and take a seat.

How're ya now?

- Hey, brother.
- Not so bad.

Hey, remember when I was
telling you I was going

pretty hard at the gym?
Probably tell from my bod.

Well, I hope
you're not down there

taking pictures of yourself.

Eh, deadlifting plates.

So, I bend over
for the Olympic bar

and give it a tug
with my back like you said.

No, you should lift with
your legs, not your back.

Now I got the grapes of wrath,
like Tyson.

What?

I got little fish eggs, brother.

- Got a little 'tapico'.
- Ah, a little trouser rub.

A little backyard caviar there.

I asked Tyson if I could
borrow his ointment, right?

For my cranberries,
and he thought that was gay.

I'll let him have that one.

Just a little ill at ease that
the doctor's gonna want to--

Dance on up there?

Well, he's in the neighbourhood.

That'll want a buggy.

Did you ever have one, Coach?

A body fat test?
Yeah, ev.

Holy fuck.

Even though they look at my bod,
they still do it.

No, a...
(Whistling)

Just to confirm you mean a...
(Whistling)

Can confirm he means a...
(Whistling)

No. You?

No.

You haven't either,
hey, brother?

Why haven't you had one?

- I'm scared.
- What for?

I've never had a desire
to put anything up my butt.

So, let's operate
on the assumption

I'm not going to love it.

You know,
like I love going to the gym.

Yeah, it'd be a little
bit cramped up there.

So, what if the doc
traipses up there,

and it, you know,
he sees a reason to

traipse up there again?

Oh...

You know, one traipse
could lead to many traipses.

- Yeah, I guess it could.
- A.

So, it's an ignorance
is bliss type thing.

I never even thought about that.

Well, what keep
you from getting...

- Betwixt?
- Yeah.

Well, I heard that it could
break your heterosexuality.

I think if something
like that's going to break

your heterosexuality it was

- already broken.
- Maybe already broken.

- Yeah, that was my initial...
- I've had some time to think

- ...thinking that I came up
- about it, that's the

- ...with as well.
- concl.

Hey, why are you so hesitant,
Wayne?

Well, I'm a bit ashamed
of myself here, fellas.

- What's the scoop, good buddy?
- Lay it on us, brother.

I hate change.

That seems like a slow death.

You know what, your whole life,
come into the doc,

shines a light in your eyes,
looks in your mouth,

listens to your heart.

And now, all of a sudden,

they want to put
their finger up your ass.

Fellas, the whole thing just
makes me want to go to bed.

- How're ya now?
- Good, and you?

- Not so bad.
- He got .

- I have never--
- He go.

I've never run from
anything in my life.

What's that got to do with
your blood oranges, brother?

Can't live with myself.

Ran out of the guy's office
over a little oil check.

- It's embarrassing.
- It's not.

- No, I did it, too.
- That makes it even worse.

You want to know what?

We all scrambled.

So, maybe it's not
that embarrassing.

My pants were still down
when I started running.

- Did you trip?
- Yup.

- (Groaning)
- That's fucking embarrassing.

That's a bit embarrassing, so.

DOC: Well, well, well.

Here's a bunch
of familiar faces.

I'll take you in
no particular order.

Just give me a sec
to disinfect.

TANIS:
Hey, 'sup pink dicks.

Hey, Tanis.

Just came from the gym.

Doesn't count unless you
tell everyone then, eh?

You look good, Coach.

It's the gym,
I just got back from it.

Doesn't count unless you tell
e?

You're like a drunk seven?

(Giggling)
Really?

Daryl, what are
you doing here?

Did you put a chicken bone
up your nose again?

I was told you're not
s'posed to ask people that.

Coach, if you're here to get
a referral to talk to a shrink

about your dead wife,
it's good. It's time.

Tyson, you can't be helped.

- What's up, boo?
- How're you now?

- Gettin' your tits done?
- Not so bad.

Seriously, what up?

Well, we're all getting
our prostates checked.

Well, we're s'posed to.

What do you mean
you're s'posed to?

- Well, we're--
- Scared.

- Skittish.
- Tired.

Yeah, it's just none of us have
.

Well, what's a prostate?
Do I have one?

In women I'm told
it's the G-spot.

Guys have a G-spot?

- No.
- Well, I'm told that they do.

Why wouldn't you want
to get that checked?

Boom.

Okay, so am I going
to have to Google this?

What the fuck is a--

(Whistling)

(Whistling questioningly)

(Whistling)

(Whistling questioningly)

- (Whistling)
- (Whistling)

(Whistling)

'Kay. So, what's he put
up there?

The fuck you mean what
does he put up there, Tanis?

Well, what's the apparatus
called that he puts up there?

- A digit.
- Huh?

- A pointer.
- Huh?

- A feeler.
- What?

- A finger.
- A finger?

Yes, a fin-- phalange.

- And then what?
- Then what?

And then what else
does he put up there?

- It's a, uh--
- Like, it's just his--

- Tactile.
- For how long?

He said the exam
is over in seconds.

- (Scoffing)
- You pussies.

- What?
- You pussies.

MEN:
What?!

BOTH:
You fucking pussies!

That's derogatory.

Try getting a pap smear.

- What's that?
- What's that?

It's like getting fingered
but with salad tongs.

Holy fuck!

- Alright, I need a volunteer.
- Why?

Daryl, you just volunteered
yourself, you lucky man.

Get over here.

(Clapping softly)

Get on your back.

That's your stomach, idiot.

These are stirrups
for your feet.

Now, put your feet
in the stirrups.

And we're going to pretend
lik.

- Is his mitt right out?
- Oh, it's right out.

It's getting free air
conditioning and shit.

I get that at the gym.

I'm the doctor,
and I'm going to put my face

right up in his mitt.

You put your face
right in his mitt?

Can confirm,
and it's the only time

it's not aggressively welcomed.

Boy, you're really in
his mitt there, Tanis.

Not yet.

Now, you're going
to want to scooch.

Why?

'Cause it's a pap smear, idiot.

- More.
- More?

More. More!

I think that's gone far enough!

Okay, now, we're going
to insert the speculum.

Ooh, speculum was
my nickname in high school.

- Oh!
- How could I help?

- Why thank you, nurse.
- What's a speculum?

You know what
the jaws of life are?

Yeah, it's what a fireman
uses to pry a survivor

out of an automobile car,
you know, in an accident...

After an accident.

It's like that,
but for your mitt.

What?!

Now, nurse. Inserting.

(Clearing throat)
Inserti.

They used to keep that thing ice
.

And alley-oop. There.

Now that the speculum is
inside of Daryl's mitt--

- Thank you, nurse.
- My a.

Now, I'm going to take
this cone-shaped brush,

and this teeny-tiny
plastic spatula,

and I'm gonna scrape Daryl's
cervix

like I'm scraping yogurt out
from the inside of a cup.

- Not his cervix!
- What's that?

Do I have one of those?

It's, like, inside your mitt.
That's all you need to know.

And scraping,
scraping, scraping.

Ooh, such fine work, doctor.

Scraping, scraping,
scraping.

You really have
to get it all.

And I'm scraping Daryl's mitt.

Doctor, little thought here.

Since we're already
in the neighbourhood,

what if we bebop downstairs
and check out his

- Lukewarm Steve Ass-tin?
- Mm.

And as much as I would love to
keep scraping Daryl's mitt,

he's in his barn clothes.

Oof.

- May I get up?
- You may.

Now, think about that the next
time you want to cry about

a finger up your ass
for a few seconds.

For many, it's a treat.

Put your mitt away, pussy.

Thanks, nurse.

♪ You and me,
might be you and me, again ♪

♪ And I don't want to waste
mo♪

♪

♪ Catholic discipline ♪

♪ Damage on the skin ♪

♪ Catholic discipline ♪

♪ Scars on my brain ♪

♪ Catholic discipline ♪

♪ Damage on the skin ♪

♪ Catholic discipline ♪

♪ Shut me out ♪

♪ Just a piece of meat,
just a piece of meat ♪

♪ Just a piece of meat,
you're just a piece of, ah! ♪

♪ You're just a piece of meat,
just a piece of meat ♪

♪ Just a piece of meat,
just a piece of meat ♪

♪ Just a piece of meat,
just a piece of meat ♪

♪ Just a piece of meat,
you're just a piece of, ah!♪

♪ You're just a piece of meat,
just a piece of meat ♪

♪ Just a piece of meat,
you're just a piece of, ah! ♪

♪ You're just a piece of meat ♪

♪ You take a piece of me ♪

♪ You're just a piece of meat ♪

Wow, never experienced anything
like that at the gym.

Okay.

It's a bit like
taking a shit but on rewind.

That's a mental picture.

Well, it's a conversation
piece is what it is.

It's a conversation piece.

I guess a wee bit of burrowing
isn't the end of the world.

Talk to me when
you get daggered.

- How far up does he go?
- I'd say about an inch.

I'd say it's more like two.

Oh, it's not two inches.
I've seen two inches.

And it's not two inches.

It's a bit queer having a man

spread your
butt cheeks for you, eh?

That's exactly what I said.

I said it's a bit queer.

- The word means two things.
- Mm.

Hey, brother.

Is your heterosexuality intact?

Puppers?

- Please and thank you.
- Please and thank you.

She's fully operational.

Fully operational then, eh?

She's alive.

Well, Coach, how's she
go up there? She all gravy?

Well, I got a couple of
strawberries in the rhubarb,

but other than that...

- Huh?
- Hunky dory.

It wasn't all that bad.

Well, that's the thing,
it's not bad, it's just new.

It's a--
It's a new part of life.

So, what are you
going to do now

with your nevertheless
intact heterosexuality, Dary?

Get out of my barn clothes.

♪ Welcome to
Man on a Beach, here ♪

♪ Monday, the 12th of December ♪

♪ And I'm here
above Whitsand Bay ♪

♪ With Mark and Nathaniel ♪

♪ So, chaps... ♪

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