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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:06,212 --> 00:01:11,556 Today, the fifth of November, I will begin my report. 2 00:01:13,593 --> 00:01:17,668 I will set everything down as precisely as I can. 3 00:01:19,038 --> 00:01:23,312 Yet I don't even know if today really is the fifth of November. 4 00:01:23,713 --> 00:01:28,990 Over the course of the past winter I've lost track of a few days. 5 00:01:29,525 --> 00:01:32,731 I can't even say what day of the week it is. 6 00:01:33,232 --> 00:01:36,472 Not that I think that is very important. 7 00:01:37,608 --> 00:01:41,415 I will have to rely on a few meager notes, 8 00:01:41,448 --> 00:01:45,724 meager, because I never expected to write this report. 9 00:01:45,757 --> 00:01:52,036 I'm afraid much of what I remember will be different from my real experiences 10 00:01:52,605 --> 00:01:56,178 All reports probably share this issue. 11 00:01:56,579 --> 00:01:59,819 I'm not writing for the joy of writing. 12 00:01:59,852 --> 00:02:03,259 So many things have happened to me that I must write, 13 00:02:03,292 --> 00:02:06,298 if I don't want to lose my mind. 14 00:02:06,833 --> 00:02:11,175 There is no one here to think and care for me. 15 00:02:11,475 --> 00:02:13,747 I am quite alone 16 00:02:13,780 --> 00:02:18,757 and I must try to get through the long, dark winter months. 17 00:02:19,725 --> 00:02:21,829 I have taken on this task 18 00:02:21,863 --> 00:02:27,474 to keep me from staring into the gloom and being frightened. 19 00:02:28,376 --> 00:02:30,446 Because I am frightened. 20 00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:33,219 Fear creeps up on me from all sides, 21 00:02:33,252 --> 00:02:37,595 and I do not want to wait until it gets to me and overpowers me. 22 00:02:37,628 --> 00:02:40,266 I shall write until darkness falls, 23 00:02:40,300 --> 00:02:44,474 and this new, unfamiliar work should make my mind tired, 24 00:02:44,509 --> 00:02:47,214 empty and drowsy. 25 00:02:47,247 --> 00:02:52,490 I'm not afraid of morning, only of the long, gloomy afternoons. 26 00:03:50,574 --> 00:03:56,586 I write on the backs of old calendars and on faded stationery. 27 00:03:56,619 --> 00:03:59,090 The paper belonged to Hugo Rüttlinger, 28 00:03:59,123 --> 00:04:02,665 a great collector and hypochondriac. 29 00:04:02,698 --> 00:04:05,937 This report should actually begin with Hugo. 30 00:04:05,971 --> 00:04:09,411 If it weren't for his collecting and hypochondria, 31 00:04:09,444 --> 00:04:11,716 I wouldn't be sitting here today. 32 00:04:11,749 --> 00:04:14,822 I probably wouldn't even be alive. 33 00:05:50,614 --> 00:05:53,620 It was 3:00 p.m. before we reached the hunting lodge. 34 00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:59,632 After a snack, as Hugo was starting to nod off, 35 00:05:59,665 --> 00:06:03,673 Luise suggested that they go back to the village again. 36 00:06:08,195 --> 00:06:10,313 Come on! 37 00:06:14,572 --> 00:06:18,569 We won't stay long. We'll go hunting very early in the morning. 38 00:06:18,740 --> 00:06:21,698 The key is in the ignition if you want to meet us. 39 00:06:21,705 --> 00:06:24,138 - Come on! - Yes. 40 00:06:26,490 --> 00:06:29,608 Where is Lynx? Lynx? 41 00:06:29,741 --> 00:06:34,339 The dog stays here! That stupid dog never obeys. 42 00:06:38,660 --> 00:06:42,657 Lynx? Lynx, come on! 43 00:06:48,371 --> 00:06:50,169 Heel! 44 00:06:51,580 --> 00:06:54,377 Come Lynx! 45 00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:58,136 - Heel! - Don't be so strict. 46 00:06:58,290 --> 00:07:03,285 Lynx, if you don't want to go, then you stay up here. Go back! 47 00:07:03,416 --> 00:07:06,134 Go! Go! 48 00:09:17,359 --> 00:09:20,132 At 9:00 I decided to go to bed. 49 00:09:20,165 --> 00:09:24,440 I locked the door and took the key with me to my room. 50 00:10:49,798 --> 00:10:52,476 Well, Lynx? What's going on? 51 00:11:35,936 --> 00:11:38,876 They must have stayed in the village. 52 00:11:38,909 --> 00:11:41,281 I was very surprised. 53 00:11:41,314 --> 00:11:43,952 Hugo couldn't stand the short beds at the inn, 54 00:11:43,986 --> 00:11:46,825 and he'd not have been so inconsiderate 55 00:11:46,858 --> 00:11:49,764 as to leave me alone in the lodge overnight. 56 00:11:51,568 --> 00:11:55,309 I set off towards the village with Lynx. 57 00:11:59,584 --> 00:12:02,824 I couldn't figure out what had happened. 58 00:12:03,458 --> 00:12:06,665 I hardly noticed how cool and damp it was in the gorge, 59 00:12:06,698 --> 00:12:11,508 because I was brooding about what happened to the Rüttlingers. 60 00:12:12,008 --> 00:12:15,014 Hugo might have had a heart attack. 61 00:12:15,583 --> 00:12:17,987 As it happens so often with hypochondria, 62 00:12:18,020 --> 00:12:21,595 we had stopped taking his condition seriously. 63 00:12:22,630 --> 00:12:26,437 I quickened my pace and sent Lynx on ahead. 64 00:12:27,005 --> 00:12:30,044 I hadn't thought to put on my climbing boots 65 00:12:30,078 --> 00:12:34,019 and stumbled clumsily behind him across the sharp stones. 66 00:13:09,860 --> 00:13:13,577 What is it? 67 00:13:14,526 --> 00:13:19,084 What do you have? Did you hurt yourself? 68 00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:26,756 Have you bitten on your tongue? 69 00:13:34,073 --> 00:13:36,351 Lynx come! 70 00:13:36,490 --> 00:13:38,129 Come on! 71 00:13:40,323 --> 00:13:42,323 Lynx, what is it? 72 00:13:44,450 --> 00:13:46,409 Come on! 73 00:14:28,314 --> 00:14:32,188 Then I heard a thumping sound and glanced around 74 00:14:32,222 --> 00:14:37,900 before realizing it was my own heartbeat thundering in my ears. 75 00:14:40,038 --> 00:14:44,814 My heart had been frightened before I was even aware of it. 76 00:14:46,818 --> 00:14:49,624 I tentatively tried again, 77 00:14:50,058 --> 00:14:55,368 and once more my hand rested on something like a windowpane. 78 00:15:31,106 --> 00:15:36,918 Suddenly I realized what might have been unconsciously worrying me all along. 79 00:15:37,485 --> 00:15:40,458 The road was entirely deserted. 80 00:15:40,491 --> 00:15:44,834 Someone would have raised the alarm ages ago. 81 00:15:45,168 --> 00:15:48,074 It would have been natural for the villagers 82 00:15:48,107 --> 00:15:50,946 to be curious and assemble by the wall. 83 00:15:50,980 --> 00:15:54,352 Even if none of them had discovered the wall, 84 00:15:54,386 --> 00:15:57,358 Hugo and Luise would surely have bumped into it. 85 00:15:57,392 --> 00:16:00,131 Not seeing a single person 86 00:16:00,164 --> 00:16:03,505 puzzled me even more than the wall itself. 87 00:16:30,525 --> 00:16:33,832 I got up three more times and convinced myself 88 00:16:33,866 --> 00:16:36,470 that here, three meters from me, 89 00:16:36,504 --> 00:16:42,248 there really was something invisible, smooth and cool 90 00:16:42,282 --> 00:16:45,054 blocking my path. 91 00:16:45,923 --> 00:16:48,027 I thought it might be a hallucination 92 00:16:48,060 --> 00:16:51,466 but of course I knew that it was nothing of that sort. 93 00:16:52,335 --> 00:16:55,408 I could have coped much more easily with momentary insanity 94 00:16:55,441 --> 00:16:59,016 than with this terrible, invisible thing. 95 00:17:19,657 --> 00:17:23,598 The first little farmhouse, only a cottage, in fact, 96 00:17:23,631 --> 00:17:26,370 was just around the next corner. 97 00:17:26,403 --> 00:17:29,076 At last I could see the cottage. 98 00:17:29,109 --> 00:17:34,352 It lay very still in the sunlight... a peaceful, familiar scene. 99 00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:38,360 Excuse me, I... 100 00:18:55,314 --> 00:18:58,187 Come on, Lynx. Come. 101 00:19:19,396 --> 00:19:23,738 We were in a bad situation, Lynx and I, 102 00:19:23,771 --> 00:19:27,378 and at the time we didn't know how bad it was. 103 00:19:27,813 --> 00:19:32,455 But we weren't lost entirely, because we had each other. 104 00:19:40,939 --> 00:19:45,214 And if they did, then not in little villages in the mountains, 105 00:19:45,248 --> 00:19:48,721 not in Austria and not in Europe. 106 00:19:49,723 --> 00:19:52,295 I know how ridiculous that thought was, 107 00:19:52,328 --> 00:19:56,303 but I must admit that this is what I was thinking. 108 00:22:44,940 --> 00:22:49,281 I woke up around 6:00, when the birds started singing. 109 00:22:49,950 --> 00:22:54,125 Although I had barely moved, Lynx knew I was awake 110 00:22:54,158 --> 00:22:56,597 and came to my bed to greet me. 111 00:23:01,774 --> 00:23:04,145 Suddenly it seemed quite impossible 112 00:23:04,178 --> 00:23:06,984 that I would survive that bright day in May. 113 00:23:07,417 --> 00:23:11,225 At the same time I knew I had to survive it 114 00:23:11,761 --> 00:23:14,633 and that I had no means of escape. 115 00:23:14,967 --> 00:23:19,375 I had to stay quite calm and simply get through it. 116 00:23:25,789 --> 00:23:30,631 It wasn't the first time in my life that I had had to survive like this. 117 00:23:31,065 --> 00:23:35,073 The less I resisted it, the more bearable it would be. 118 00:24:00,825 --> 00:24:04,767 I no longer remember what I did that morning. 119 00:24:06,102 --> 00:24:11,112 Maybe the hours that followed were so awful I've had to forget them, 120 00:24:11,881 --> 00:24:15,420 maybe I spent them in a state of numbness. 121 00:24:15,453 --> 00:24:17,191 I can't remember. 122 00:25:25,193 --> 00:25:28,935 I finally emerged from this state around 2:00 p.m. 123 00:25:28,968 --> 00:25:32,041 when I walked through the gorge with Lynx. 124 00:25:32,074 --> 00:25:37,184 This time I was better equipped. I had Hugo's binoculars with me, too. 125 00:26:17,297 --> 00:26:22,675 If the man at the well was dead, and there could be no doubt about that, 126 00:26:23,409 --> 00:26:26,049 then everyone in the valley was dead, 127 00:26:26,082 --> 00:26:30,457 and not only the people, but everything that had been live. 128 00:26:31,059 --> 00:26:35,768 If that was death, it had come very quickly and gently, 129 00:26:35,801 --> 00:26:38,439 almost lovingly. 130 00:26:41,379 --> 00:26:46,590 Perhaps it would have been wiser to have gone with Hugo and Luise to the village. 131 00:27:12,174 --> 00:27:13,844 Lynx! 132 00:27:13,877 --> 00:27:15,648 What's up? 133 00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:21,259 Lynx, come here. 134 00:28:19,308 --> 00:28:20,644 Come. 135 00:28:22,281 --> 00:28:23,584 Come on. 136 00:28:28,293 --> 00:28:31,933 It had dawned on me that the cow might well be a blessing, 137 00:28:31,966 --> 00:28:34,939 but it was also a burden. 138 00:28:34,972 --> 00:28:38,413 An animal like that has to be fed and milked 139 00:28:38,446 --> 00:28:41,520 and needs someone there all the time. 140 00:28:41,986 --> 00:28:45,728 I was the owner and the prisoner of a cow. 141 00:28:46,796 --> 00:28:49,569 I thought about the cow as well, of course. 142 00:28:50,036 --> 00:28:53,777 If I was especially lucky, she would be expecting a calf. 143 00:28:54,445 --> 00:28:57,016 But I couldn't rely on that, 144 00:28:57,050 --> 00:29:01,325 I could only hope my cow would give milk for as long as possible. 145 00:29:02,728 --> 00:29:06,803 I still saw my situation as a transitory condition, 146 00:29:07,505 --> 00:29:10,578 at least that's what I tried to do. 147 00:29:15,019 --> 00:29:20,363 I thought of a name for my cow and called her Bella. 148 00:29:20,397 --> 00:29:22,935 She didn't actually need a name at all. 149 00:29:23,637 --> 00:29:29,716 She was the only cow in the forest, perhaps the only cow in the region. 150 00:29:33,937 --> 00:29:35,583 Until tomorrow, Bella. 151 00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:27,958 10 days had passed, 152 00:33:27,992 --> 00:33:31,331 and nothing about my situation had changed. 153 00:33:31,364 --> 00:33:34,571 For ten days I'd been numbing my mind with work, 154 00:33:34,605 --> 00:33:37,210 but the wall was still there, 155 00:33:37,243 --> 00:33:40,216 and nobody had come to get me. 156 00:33:43,957 --> 00:33:48,398 I had no alternative but to face up to reality. 157 00:34:13,015 --> 00:34:15,152 I could kill myself, 158 00:34:15,186 --> 00:34:18,325 or try and dig my way under the wall, 159 00:34:18,358 --> 00:34:22,433 which would probably have been a strenuous form of suicide. 160 00:34:24,571 --> 00:34:29,648 Or I could stay here and try to stay alive. 161 00:34:35,326 --> 00:34:40,269 I was no longer young enough to think seriously about suicide. 162 00:34:40,302 --> 00:34:45,179 It was chiefly thoughts about Lynx and Bella that kept me from it. 163 00:34:45,212 --> 00:34:50,723 Thanks to Hugo's attentiveness, I had provisions for the summer, 164 00:34:50,757 --> 00:34:55,567 a home, a lifetime's supply of wood and a cow. 165 00:35:42,894 --> 00:35:46,602 I firmly resolved to wind up the clocks each day, 166 00:35:46,635 --> 00:35:49,741 and to cross off the days from the calendar. 167 00:35:49,775 --> 00:35:52,280 At that time it seemed very important to me. 168 00:35:52,947 --> 00:35:58,425 I was desperately trying to hold on to the remnants of civilized life. 169 00:35:59,795 --> 00:36:01,799 I don't know why. 170 00:36:02,501 --> 00:36:05,339 It was almost an inner compulsion. 171 00:36:07,243 --> 00:36:09,681 Perhaps I was afraid that if I did otherwise 172 00:36:09,715 --> 00:36:12,621 I'd slowly cease to be a human being 173 00:36:12,987 --> 00:36:16,428 and soon start to crawl about, filthy and stinking, 174 00:36:16,461 --> 00:36:19,668 emitting incomprehensible sounds. 175 00:36:20,236 --> 00:36:22,941 It wasn't that I was afraid of becoming an animal. 176 00:36:22,974 --> 00:36:25,747 That wouldn't have been so bad, 177 00:36:25,780 --> 00:36:29,588 yet a human being can never become an animal, 178 00:36:29,621 --> 00:36:33,262 he plunges past an animal existence into the abyss. 179 00:36:35,833 --> 00:36:38,706 I don't want this to happen to me. 180 00:36:39,374 --> 00:36:43,282 Recently that's what has made me most afraid, 181 00:36:43,315 --> 00:36:46,755 and it is out of that fear that I write my report. 182 00:36:50,563 --> 00:36:56,642 On the 30th of May, it rained a warm and fertile rain all day 183 00:36:56,675 --> 00:37:01,752 that forced me to stay inside or get drenched in a moment. 184 00:37:38,024 --> 00:37:41,565 That evening the cat came into my house. 185 00:37:42,934 --> 00:37:48,478 So there were four of us, the cow, the cat, Lynx and me. 186 00:37:49,981 --> 00:37:52,453 Lynx was closest to me, 187 00:37:52,486 --> 00:37:56,127 and soon he wasn't just my dog, but my friend, 188 00:37:56,160 --> 00:38:00,570 my only friend in a world of troubles and loneliness. 189 00:38:56,393 --> 00:38:58,312 It's okay, Lynx. 190 00:40:05,251 --> 00:40:08,859 Bella kept me tied to the lodge, 191 00:40:08,893 --> 00:40:12,701 but I wanted to try to have a look around. 192 00:40:13,401 --> 00:40:18,377 I remembered a path that led to a lodge higher up, 193 00:40:18,411 --> 00:40:21,919 and down from there into the opposite valley. 194 00:40:21,952 --> 00:40:23,823 That was where I wanted to go. 195 00:41:32,134 --> 00:41:34,718 Lynx! Heel! 196 00:42:02,960 --> 00:42:04,576 Wait, Lynx! 197 00:43:06,147 --> 00:43:09,253 So now I had examined those valleys 198 00:43:09,286 --> 00:43:12,593 I could reach without staying away for days at a time. 199 00:43:12,626 --> 00:43:17,603 I could still climb up to the pasture and look out over the landscape, 200 00:43:17,636 --> 00:43:22,513 but I couldn't risk going any further into the long mountain range. 201 00:43:22,546 --> 00:43:26,654 Of course somebody would find me if there was no wall over there. 202 00:43:26,688 --> 00:43:31,097 I had to tell myself they'd surely have found me long since. 203 00:43:31,130 --> 00:43:34,069 I could sit quietly at home and wait. 204 00:43:35,171 --> 00:43:41,250 But I kept feeling compelled to do something to counteract uncertainty. 205 00:45:22,686 --> 00:45:25,491 At about 1:00 p.m. I sat down to rest. 206 00:45:26,427 --> 00:45:29,534 The forest lay hazily in the midday sun, 207 00:45:29,567 --> 00:45:33,273 and the warm scent from the pines floated up to me. 208 00:45:34,443 --> 00:45:37,683 It was much quieter than in the moonlit night, 209 00:45:37,716 --> 00:45:41,724 as if the forest lay paralyzed by sleep beneath the yellow sun. 210 00:45:41,758 --> 00:45:45,599 A bird of prey circled high in the blue sky, 211 00:45:46,601 --> 00:45:49,373 Lynx slept, his ears twitching, 212 00:45:49,406 --> 00:45:53,481 and great silence descended on me like a bell jar. 213 00:46:06,741 --> 00:46:09,880 I wished I could sit here forever, 214 00:46:09,914 --> 00:46:13,387 in the warmth, in the light, 215 00:46:13,421 --> 00:46:18,063 the dog at my feet and the bird circling above. 216 00:46:33,226 --> 00:46:38,036 When I walked on I did so with deep regret, 217 00:46:38,070 --> 00:46:41,076 and on the way I slowly changed, 218 00:46:41,109 --> 00:46:45,485 becoming the only creature that didn't belong here, 219 00:46:45,519 --> 00:46:47,489 a human... 220 00:46:47,523 --> 00:46:50,127 troubled by chaotic thoughts, 221 00:46:50,160 --> 00:46:53,768 cracking branches with clumsy shoes, 222 00:46:53,802 --> 00:46:56,708 engaged in the bloody business of hunting. 223 00:48:06,748 --> 00:48:12,660 I realize that I never noted down days on which I'd shot game. 224 00:48:13,962 --> 00:48:17,836 Now I remember I found it too revolting to write about. 225 00:48:19,072 --> 00:48:22,044 It was bad enough that I had to do it at all. 226 00:50:14,035 --> 00:50:19,045 I named the little cat Pearl, she was so white and rosy. 227 00:50:20,114 --> 00:50:25,490 In a few weeks I realized that Pearl, an unkempt little thing, 228 00:50:25,525 --> 00:50:29,198 was on the point of becoming a beauty. 229 00:50:30,267 --> 00:50:33,306 Pearl was a small miracle, 230 00:50:33,340 --> 00:50:37,582 but even then I knew she'd been born in the wrong place. 231 00:50:37,615 --> 00:50:40,521 A long-haired white cat in the middle of the forest 232 00:50:40,555 --> 00:50:43,226 is condemned to an early death. 233 00:50:43,727 --> 00:50:46,232 She had no chance at all. 234 00:50:47,635 --> 00:50:50,675 Perhaps that's why I was so fond of her. 235 00:50:51,276 --> 00:50:54,382 If I think back to the first summer, 236 00:50:54,415 --> 00:50:57,722 it is shadowed more by the concern for my animals 237 00:50:57,755 --> 00:51:00,928 than by my own desperate situation. 238 00:51:02,198 --> 00:51:06,339 Catastrophe had relieved me of much responsibility, 239 00:51:06,372 --> 00:51:10,380 but I found, in time, that it placed a new burden upon me. 240 00:51:10,414 --> 00:51:13,453 Once I was able to assess the situation a little, 241 00:51:13,486 --> 00:51:17,662 I'd long since ceased being able to change anything about it. 242 00:51:18,731 --> 00:51:24,643 I don't think my behavior was due to weakness or sentimentality. 243 00:51:24,676 --> 00:51:28,684 I was simply following an instinct that had been implanted in me 244 00:51:28,717 --> 00:51:31,056 which I was powerless against 245 00:51:31,089 --> 00:51:33,694 if I didn't want to destroy myself. 246 00:51:34,495 --> 00:51:37,401 I can't see what should be dishonorable 247 00:51:37,434 --> 00:51:41,109 about bearing the burden we're given, as all animals must. 248 00:51:41,142 --> 00:51:44,382 In the end, we die as all animals do. 249 00:51:45,284 --> 00:51:48,290 I don't even know what honor is. 250 00:51:49,225 --> 00:51:52,765 Being born and dying is not a matter of honor. 251 00:51:52,799 --> 00:51:55,404 It happens to all creatures 252 00:51:55,437 --> 00:51:58,443 and has no meaning beyond that. 253 00:52:04,388 --> 00:52:07,361 On the 20th of July I started to harvest the hay. 254 00:54:00,521 --> 00:54:04,663 It took me three weeks to harvest the meadow. 255 00:54:05,397 --> 00:54:08,102 This wasn't only the weather's fault, 256 00:54:08,135 --> 00:54:12,010 but also that of my clumsiness and physical weakness. 257 00:54:40,701 --> 00:54:44,609 I was overcome by a wave of despair, 258 00:54:44,643 --> 00:54:47,414 and, for the first time, I understood quite clearly 259 00:54:47,448 --> 00:54:50,119 the hard blow that had hit me. 260 00:54:50,153 --> 00:54:52,692 I don't know what would have happened 261 00:54:52,725 --> 00:54:56,165 if responsibility for my animals hadn't forced me 262 00:54:56,198 --> 00:54:59,806 to do at least the most necessary things. 263 00:55:04,516 --> 00:55:07,789 I don't like remembering that time. 264 00:55:08,122 --> 00:55:12,832 It was 14 days before I could pull myself together 265 00:55:12,865 --> 00:55:15,203 and start living again. 266 00:59:07,969 --> 00:59:11,375 Autumn was always my favorite season, 267 00:59:11,408 --> 00:59:14,548 although I never felt very well physically. 268 00:59:14,582 --> 00:59:17,621 In the daytime I was tired yet wide awake, 269 00:59:18,222 --> 00:59:21,729 and at night I lay for hours in restless half-sleep 270 00:59:21,762 --> 00:59:25,637 with dreams that were more confusing and vivid than usual. 271 00:59:25,670 --> 00:59:29,311 My autumnal malaise didn't spare me in the forest, either, 272 00:59:29,344 --> 00:59:33,319 but since I could hardly afford it, it took a less extreme form. 273 00:59:34,187 --> 00:59:37,995 Perhaps I didn't have the time to notice it. 274 00:59:39,264 --> 00:59:42,571 Lynx was very cheerful, in very high spirits 275 00:59:43,139 --> 00:59:46,779 though an outsider wouldn't have noticed. 276 00:59:46,812 --> 00:59:49,518 He was, after all, cheerful almost all the time. 277 00:59:49,552 --> 00:59:53,225 I never saw him stay sulky for more than three minutes. 278 00:59:53,626 --> 00:59:57,734 He simply couldn't resist the urge to be cheerful. 279 00:59:58,736 --> 01:00:02,511 And life in the forest was a constant temptation to him. 280 01:00:02,544 --> 01:00:06,185 Sun, snow, wind, rain... 281 01:00:06,218 --> 01:00:09,592 everything was a cause for joy. 282 01:00:09,625 --> 01:00:13,465 With Lynx nearby, I could never stay sad for long. 283 01:00:13,499 --> 01:00:17,708 It was almost humbling that being with me made him so happy. 284 01:00:19,512 --> 01:00:23,051 Perhaps man's delusions of grandeur come from dogs. 285 01:00:23,485 --> 01:00:29,297 Sometimes I even imagined there must be something special about me 286 01:00:29,331 --> 01:00:33,372 that made Lynx almost keel over with joy at the sight of me. 287 01:00:33,405 --> 01:00:36,846 Of course there was never anything special about me. 288 01:00:36,879 --> 01:00:40,486 Lynx was, like all dogs, simply addicted to people. 289 01:00:40,905 --> 01:00:43,943 Yes, you're my Lynx. Yes. 290 01:00:44,738 --> 01:00:46,538 Good Boy. 291 01:01:04,902 --> 01:01:09,477 At times now, when I walk alone in the wintry forest, 292 01:01:09,512 --> 01:01:12,551 I talk to Lynx as I did before. 293 01:01:12,584 --> 01:01:15,223 I have no idea I'm doing it 294 01:01:15,256 --> 01:01:18,395 until something startles me and I fall silent. 295 01:01:19,598 --> 01:01:24,374 I turn my head and catch the gleam of a reddish-brown coat. 296 01:01:24,407 --> 01:01:29,484 But the path is empty, bare bushes and wet stones. 297 01:01:39,572 --> 01:01:43,913 I'm not surprised that I still hear the dry branches 298 01:01:43,946 --> 01:01:46,786 cracking under the light tread of his feet. 299 01:01:46,819 --> 01:01:51,562 What else would his little dog-soul haunt, if not my trail? 300 01:01:52,831 --> 01:01:56,839 He's a friendly ghost and I'm not afraid of him. 301 01:01:58,976 --> 01:02:03,051 Lynx... beautiful, good dog. 302 01:02:03,084 --> 01:02:05,757 My dog, 303 01:02:05,790 --> 01:02:10,567 it's probably my poor head that makes the sound of your footsteps, 304 01:02:10,600 --> 01:02:12,504 the gleam of your coat. 305 01:02:14,775 --> 01:02:17,948 As long as I exist you'll follow my trail, 306 01:02:17,981 --> 01:02:19,985 hungry and yearning, 307 01:02:20,018 --> 01:02:24,862 as I myself, hungry and yearning, follow invisible trails. 308 01:02:26,832 --> 01:02:30,072 Neither of us will ever capture our prey. 309 01:03:04,508 --> 01:03:08,114 The first snow fell on the 27th of October. 310 01:03:09,050 --> 01:03:12,089 It took only a few days for winter to set in. 311 01:03:12,691 --> 01:03:14,628 Then came the warm wind 312 01:03:14,662 --> 01:03:17,433 and licked the young snow from the mountains. 313 01:03:18,536 --> 01:03:20,540 It became disagreeably warm, 314 01:03:20,574 --> 01:03:23,813 and the wind hissed day and night around the lodge. 315 01:03:27,219 --> 01:03:29,056 I slept badly 316 01:03:30,860 --> 01:03:34,433 and listened to the baying of stags down below for the rutting season. 317 01:03:34,968 --> 01:03:39,210 Both cats were drawn outside into the warm, damp forest. 318 01:03:39,243 --> 01:03:43,051 I lay awake and worried about Pearl. 319 01:03:43,953 --> 01:03:46,224 The baying of the stags sounded sad, 320 01:03:46,257 --> 01:03:49,163 threatening and sometimes even desperate. 321 01:03:59,183 --> 01:04:02,658 I only hoped the wind wouldn't last too long, 322 01:04:02,691 --> 01:04:05,830 and that winter would finally bring us peace. 323 01:04:06,732 --> 01:04:09,738 The wind only held out for three days, 324 01:04:09,772 --> 01:04:13,044 just long enough to kill Pearl. 325 01:04:45,977 --> 01:04:48,181 Pearl was buried, 326 01:04:48,750 --> 01:04:50,987 and the wind died down overnight, 327 01:04:51,020 --> 01:04:53,860 as if it had accomplished its task. 328 01:04:54,895 --> 01:04:57,232 I haven't forgotten Pearl. 329 01:04:58,101 --> 01:05:02,009 Her death was the first loss I suffered in the forest. 330 01:05:03,980 --> 01:05:08,021 Once, it must have been in the first winter, 331 01:05:08,054 --> 01:05:10,827 I saw a fox standing at the stream. 332 01:05:10,860 --> 01:05:13,164 I could have shot it, 333 01:05:13,198 --> 01:05:17,106 I had the gun with me, but I didn't. 334 01:05:18,341 --> 01:05:23,986 Pearl had to die just because one of her ancestors was an over-bred Angora cat. 335 01:05:24,020 --> 01:05:27,092 From the start she had been destined as a victim. 336 01:05:27,492 --> 01:05:32,136 Was I to punish the beautiful, living fox for this? 337 01:05:32,804 --> 01:05:35,810 Pearl had suffered an injustice, 338 01:05:35,844 --> 01:05:38,950 but the same injustice had also befallen her victims. 339 01:05:39,416 --> 01:05:42,122 Did I have to pass it on to the fox? 340 01:05:44,762 --> 01:05:50,005 The only creature in the forest that can really do right or wrong is me. 341 01:05:50,774 --> 01:05:53,078 And I alone can show mercy. 342 01:05:54,080 --> 01:05:58,254 Sometimes I wish I were not burdened by these decisions. 343 01:05:58,288 --> 01:06:00,292 But I am a human, 344 01:06:00,325 --> 01:06:03,431 and I can only think and act like a human. 345 01:06:04,100 --> 01:06:06,906 Only death will free me from that. 346 01:06:07,841 --> 01:06:12,851 When I think of winter, I see the frost-covered fox at the stream. 347 01:06:12,884 --> 01:06:18,529 A lonely, adult animal that follows its predestined path. 348 01:06:19,163 --> 01:06:23,505 It seems that this image means something important to me, 349 01:06:24,140 --> 01:06:27,780 as if it's only a sign for something else. 350 01:06:28,181 --> 01:06:31,187 But I can't recognize its meaning. 351 01:06:42,484 --> 01:06:44,922 Yes, my Bella. 352 01:06:46,234 --> 01:06:48,952 Yes, you are beautiful. 353 01:06:52,229 --> 01:06:55,202 Bella had become more rounded, 354 01:06:55,235 --> 01:06:59,110 but I still didn't know if she was expecting a calf. 355 01:07:03,351 --> 01:07:06,157 After all we have experienced, 356 01:07:06,190 --> 01:07:09,396 Bella has become more than my cow. 357 01:07:09,430 --> 01:07:11,902 She's a poor, patient sister, 358 01:07:11,936 --> 01:07:15,208 who bears her lot in life with more dignity than I do. 359 01:09:05,529 --> 01:09:10,338 In the night I heard the cold creaking in the wood. 360 01:09:11,608 --> 01:09:13,579 I'd put on a lot of extra logs, 361 01:09:13,612 --> 01:09:17,352 but was shivering under the blanket and couldn't sleep. 362 01:09:18,589 --> 01:09:22,329 Sometimes a log would crackle, then fall silent. 363 01:09:22,362 --> 01:09:24,634 I felt sick. 364 01:09:25,569 --> 01:09:29,410 I knew it was because I had to keep on killing. 365 01:09:30,245 --> 01:09:35,523 I tried to imagine what a person who enjoys killing might feel. 366 01:09:36,457 --> 01:09:38,394 I couldn't. 367 01:09:40,131 --> 01:09:44,674 The hair stood up on my arms, and my mouth grew dry with disgust. 368 01:09:45,342 --> 01:09:48,348 You would probably need to be born to it. 369 01:09:49,250 --> 01:09:53,725 I could bring myself to do it as quickly and skillfully as possible, 370 01:09:54,460 --> 01:09:57,432 but I would never get used to it. 371 01:09:58,969 --> 01:10:02,777 I lay awake for ages in the crackling darkness, 372 01:10:03,278 --> 01:10:05,916 thinking about the little heart 373 01:10:06,751 --> 01:10:11,427 freezing to a clump of ice in the room above me. 374 01:10:29,396 --> 01:10:34,874 After the great freeze, a wave of damp, warmer air set in. 375 01:10:35,743 --> 01:10:41,454 Bella grew nervous, and I had to see to her 10 times a day. 376 01:10:41,988 --> 01:10:45,495 On the 11th of January, Bella bled a little. 377 01:10:45,529 --> 01:10:47,733 It was after her evening feed, 378 01:10:47,767 --> 01:10:51,741 and I decided to set myself up in the barn for the night. 379 01:10:55,503 --> 01:10:58,031 Come on, Bella! Hard! 380 01:11:04,226 --> 01:11:05,664 Hard! 381 01:11:33,670 --> 01:11:35,982 Come on, Bella, come on! 382 01:11:45,716 --> 01:11:49,189 So much had happened recently... 383 01:11:49,222 --> 01:11:53,932 Pearl had been killed, a little bull had come into the world, 384 01:11:53,965 --> 01:11:55,903 deer had frozen to death, 385 01:11:55,936 --> 01:11:59,811 and the carnivores had had a rich winter. 386 01:12:01,681 --> 01:12:05,187 I myself had had a lot of excitement, 387 01:12:05,221 --> 01:12:07,793 and now I was tired. 388 01:12:07,827 --> 01:12:12,537 When I closed my eyes I saw snowy mountains on the horizon, 389 01:12:12,570 --> 01:12:18,715 white flakes dropping on my face in a big, bright silence. 390 01:12:20,251 --> 01:12:24,861 I had no thoughts, no memories, 391 01:12:25,327 --> 01:12:29,102 there was only the big, silent, snowy light. 392 01:12:30,304 --> 01:12:35,515 I knew this feeling could be dangerous for a lonely person, 393 01:12:36,016 --> 01:12:40,091 but I couldn't muster any strength to resist it. 394 01:13:24,345 --> 01:13:27,753 Lynx didn't leave me in peace for long. 395 01:13:28,053 --> 01:13:32,830 He kept coming to me and prodding me with his nose. 396 01:13:32,863 --> 01:13:38,107 Sighing, I got up and set about my daily work. 397 01:13:39,877 --> 01:13:45,054 Now Lynx, my friend and guardian, has ceased to be, 398 01:13:45,087 --> 01:13:51,366 and sometimes the desire to go into the white and painless silence is very great. 399 01:13:51,901 --> 01:13:54,039 I must take care of myself 400 01:13:54,072 --> 01:13:57,211 and be stricter with myself than I was before. 401 01:14:01,186 --> 01:14:03,959 Lynx was my sixth sense. 402 01:14:04,392 --> 01:14:09,402 Now he's dead I feel like an amputee. 403 01:14:10,271 --> 01:14:14,412 I miss something and will always miss it. 404 01:14:15,281 --> 01:14:20,157 It isn't only that I miss him when I'm hunting and following trails 405 01:14:20,191 --> 01:14:24,767 and have to spend hours clambering after a deer I've shot. 406 01:14:25,903 --> 01:14:28,273 It's not just that. 407 01:14:29,442 --> 01:14:36,023 The worst thing is that without Lynx I feel truly alone. 408 01:14:54,894 --> 01:15:00,404 The question of moving to the pasture occupied me more with every passing day. 409 01:15:00,437 --> 01:15:03,410 The task struck me as terribly arduous, 410 01:15:03,443 --> 01:15:06,349 even if I were to take only necessities with me 411 01:15:06,383 --> 01:15:10,191 and live quite primitively in the pasture. 412 01:15:10,558 --> 01:15:15,134 Once I realized that I'd settled on the move long ago, 413 01:15:15,167 --> 01:15:19,911 when I'd first seen the green pastures, 414 01:15:19,944 --> 01:15:22,015 I grew calmer. 415 01:15:22,048 --> 01:15:24,219 And on the 25th of May 416 01:15:24,252 --> 01:15:28,027 I took my departure from the hunting lodge. 417 01:15:36,109 --> 01:15:38,480 The path was quite well preserved, 418 01:15:38,514 --> 01:15:45,127 but it was still four hours before our curious procession reached the pasture. 419 01:15:45,161 --> 01:15:47,131 It was approaching midday. 420 01:15:47,165 --> 01:15:49,302 I was completely exhausted, 421 01:15:49,335 --> 01:15:54,513 less from physical effort than from nervous tension. 422 01:15:56,650 --> 01:15:58,621 Something new was beginning. 423 01:15:58,654 --> 01:16:01,093 I didn't know what it would bring me, 424 01:16:01,126 --> 01:16:06,570 but my homesickness and anxiety about the future were fading. 425 01:16:08,007 --> 01:16:12,749 I started to realize that the pasture is beautiful, strange and dangerous, 426 01:16:12,782 --> 01:16:17,025 and, like all strange things, filled with secret seductions. 427 01:16:17,559 --> 01:16:20,532 It was a strange feeling to have an overview of a wide area 428 01:16:20,565 --> 01:16:24,405 unhindered by mountains and trees. 429 01:16:24,806 --> 01:16:28,413 And it was not immediately comfortable and liberating. 430 01:16:28,447 --> 01:16:32,021 My eyes had to get used to it, 431 01:16:32,055 --> 01:16:35,762 after a year in the narrow, deep, circular valley. 432 01:16:41,707 --> 01:16:46,183 During my time in the pasture I wrote no diary entries. 433 01:16:46,216 --> 01:16:51,059 I had taken the calendar with me and dutifully crossed out each day, 434 01:16:51,093 --> 01:16:56,136 but I didn't even enter important events such as the hay-harvest. 435 01:16:56,169 --> 01:17:00,177 The memory of that time has remained fresh, however, 436 01:17:00,211 --> 01:17:03,317 and it isn't hard for me to write about it. 437 01:17:03,350 --> 01:17:06,489 I shall never forge the fragrance of summer, the rainstorms 438 01:17:06,524 --> 01:17:11,567 and the evenings glittering with stars. 439 01:19:37,859 --> 01:19:41,567 For the first time in my life I was calm, 440 01:19:41,600 --> 01:19:46,510 not content or happy, but calm. 441 01:19:46,877 --> 01:19:53,389 It was as if a big hand had stopped the clock in my head. 442 01:20:21,814 --> 01:20:25,120 Sometimes my thoughts tangle up, 443 01:20:25,153 --> 01:20:30,096 and it is as if the forest is growing roots in me 444 01:20:30,130 --> 01:20:35,106 and thinking its old, eternal thoughts with my brain. 445 01:20:36,275 --> 01:20:41,554 Back then, in the second summer, I hadn't reached that point. 446 01:20:41,587 --> 01:20:44,593 The boundaries were still firmly in place. 447 01:20:45,026 --> 01:20:50,972 I find it hard to separate my old self from my new self when I write. 448 01:20:51,005 --> 01:20:53,911 And I'm not sure that my new self 449 01:20:53,944 --> 01:20:58,821 isn't being slowly absorbed into some greater whole. 450 01:20:58,854 --> 01:21:02,294 But even then the transformation was starting. 451 01:21:04,600 --> 01:21:06,202 It was the pasture's fault. 452 01:21:07,872 --> 01:21:11,614 It was almost impossible, in the buzzing stillness of the meadow, 453 01:21:11,647 --> 01:21:17,592 beneath the big sky, to remain a single, separate self, 454 01:21:17,626 --> 01:21:20,932 a small, blind, independent life 455 01:21:20,965 --> 01:21:25,173 that didn't want to integrate into a greater community. 456 01:21:26,042 --> 01:21:30,918 Once my major source of pride was to lead such a life, 457 01:21:31,218 --> 01:21:36,195 but in the pasture it suddenly struck me as pathetic and absurd, 458 01:21:37,030 --> 01:21:39,970 an over-inflated nothing. 459 01:22:12,769 --> 01:22:16,777 On the 16th of October, after my return from the pasture, 460 01:22:16,810 --> 01:22:19,916 I began to keep my diary again. 461 01:22:19,950 --> 01:22:23,222 For almost all of October the weather was fine. 462 01:22:23,256 --> 01:22:28,266 I now made the most of the promising climate and doubled my wood supply. 463 01:22:28,834 --> 01:22:31,072 On All Saints' Day it suddenly grew warm, 464 01:22:31,105 --> 01:22:35,046 and I knew that this could only herald winter. 465 01:22:41,258 --> 01:22:45,400 On the 10th of December I find a strange entry, 466 01:22:46,235 --> 01:22:49,074 "Time is passing so quickly." 467 01:22:49,810 --> 01:22:53,116 I can't remember writing it. 468 01:22:53,149 --> 01:22:57,224 I don't know what happened on that 10th of December 469 01:22:57,257 --> 01:23:03,236 that led me to write, beneath "New-fallen snow" and "Fetched hay," 470 01:23:03,269 --> 01:23:05,507 "Time is passing so quickly." 471 01:23:06,375 --> 01:23:10,083 Was time passing especially fast back then? 472 01:23:10,416 --> 01:23:13,991 I can't remember or give an account of it. 473 01:23:14,024 --> 01:23:16,162 And it isn't true. 474 01:23:16,195 --> 01:23:19,301 Time only seemed to be passing quickly to me. 475 01:23:19,334 --> 01:23:23,543 I think time stands quite still and I move around in it, 476 01:23:23,577 --> 01:23:28,620 sometimes slowly and sometimes at a furious rate. 477 01:23:28,653 --> 01:23:34,398 I do something, things race ahead, and I forget time. 478 01:23:34,431 --> 01:23:38,540 And then, quite suddenly, it surrounds me again. 479 01:23:39,408 --> 01:23:41,378 I shall have to get used to it, 480 01:23:41,412 --> 01:23:45,053 its indifference and omnipresence. 481 01:23:50,430 --> 01:23:54,171 Since Lynx died I feel this clearly. 482 01:23:54,539 --> 01:23:58,613 I sit at the table and time stands still. 483 01:23:59,181 --> 01:24:03,657 I can't see it, smell it or hear it, 484 01:24:03,690 --> 01:24:07,064 but it surrounds me on all sides, 485 01:24:07,631 --> 01:24:11,405 its silence and motionlessness is terrible. 486 01:24:16,516 --> 01:24:20,323 At heart these thoughts are quite meaningless. 487 01:24:20,724 --> 01:24:23,697 I pity animals, and I pity people, 488 01:24:23,730 --> 01:24:27,304 because they're thrown into this life without being consulted. 489 01:24:28,773 --> 01:24:32,080 Maybe people are more deserving of pity, 490 01:24:32,114 --> 01:24:38,693 as they have just enough intelligence to resist the natural course of things. 491 01:24:39,394 --> 01:24:45,206 It has made them wicked and desperate, and not very lovable. 492 01:24:46,408 --> 01:24:50,751 And yet, life could have been lived differently. 493 01:24:51,719 --> 01:24:55,393 There is no impulse more reasonable than love. 494 01:24:56,062 --> 01:25:00,303 It makes life more bearable for loving and loved one. 495 01:25:00,336 --> 01:25:07,551 We should have recognized in time that this was our only chance, 496 01:25:07,585 --> 01:25:10,724 our only hope for a better life. 497 01:25:11,859 --> 01:25:18,439 For an endless army of the dead, mankind's only chance has vanished forever. 498 01:25:19,274 --> 01:25:22,347 I keep thinking about that. 499 01:25:22,380 --> 01:25:26,488 I can't understand why we had to take the wrong path. 500 01:25:27,257 --> 01:25:29,629 I only know it's too late. 501 01:25:38,880 --> 01:25:42,354 This autumn a white crow appeared. 502 01:25:43,923 --> 01:25:46,696 It flies a little behind the others 503 01:25:46,729 --> 01:25:51,539 and settles alone on a tree avoided by its companions. 504 01:25:58,286 --> 01:26:01,659 I can't understand why the other crows don't like it. 505 01:26:01,693 --> 01:26:04,699 I think it's an especially beautiful bird, 506 01:26:04,732 --> 01:26:08,206 but it's repugnant to the others. 507 01:26:08,239 --> 01:26:14,752 A miserable absurdity that shouldn't exist, a white crow. 508 01:26:16,288 --> 01:26:20,831 It sits there until the great flock has flown away, 509 01:26:20,864 --> 01:26:24,539 and then I bring it a little food. 510 01:26:24,572 --> 01:26:27,778 It can't know why it's been ostracized, 511 01:26:27,811 --> 01:26:30,684 that's the only life it knows. 512 01:26:30,717 --> 01:26:34,525 It will always be an outcast and so alone 513 01:26:34,559 --> 01:26:40,303 that it is less afraid of people than its black brethren. 514 01:26:56,302 --> 01:27:01,913 Every day I wait for the white crow and call to it, 515 01:27:01,946 --> 01:27:06,689 and it looks at me attentively with its reddish eyes. 516 01:27:06,723 --> 01:27:09,529 I can do very little for it. 517 01:27:09,562 --> 01:27:15,272 Perhaps my scraps are prolonging a life that shouldn't be prolonged. 518 01:27:16,643 --> 01:27:19,549 But I want the white crow to live, 519 01:27:19,582 --> 01:27:24,391 and sometimes I dream there's another one in the forest 520 01:27:24,424 --> 01:27:27,464 and that they will find each other. 521 01:27:27,497 --> 01:27:31,839 I don't believe it will happen, I just wish it dearly. 522 01:27:39,087 --> 01:27:43,462 Gradually I began to disengage from my past 523 01:27:43,496 --> 01:27:47,003 and grow into a new order. 524 01:28:27,951 --> 01:28:32,226 It was May by the time the weather really improved. 525 01:28:32,259 --> 01:28:34,832 Two years had passed in the forest. 526 01:28:34,865 --> 01:28:37,805 It struck me that now I hardly ever thought 527 01:28:37,838 --> 01:28:40,476 that someone might find me at last. 528 01:28:41,613 --> 01:28:44,885 I decided to set off soon for the alpine pasture. 529 01:29:03,590 --> 01:29:08,700 By the beginning of June I'd managed to get used to the pasture, 530 01:29:08,733 --> 01:29:11,673 but it was never the same as the previous year. 531 01:29:11,706 --> 01:29:15,981 That first summer there was gone irrevocably, 532 01:29:16,014 --> 01:29:18,620 and I didn't want a weaker version of it, 533 01:29:18,653 --> 01:29:24,130 so I kept myself from succumbing once more to the old magic. 534 01:29:25,365 --> 01:29:28,238 But the pasture didn't make it hard for me. 535 01:29:28,271 --> 01:29:33,015 It had closed itself off and showed me an unfamiliar face. 536 01:29:34,885 --> 01:29:37,858 I often sat, as I'd done a year before, 537 01:29:37,891 --> 01:29:40,631 on the bench by the house looking out over the meadow. 538 01:29:40,664 --> 01:29:42,768 It hadn't changed from before, 539 01:29:42,801 --> 01:29:45,607 and it smelled just as sweet, 540 01:29:45,641 --> 01:29:49,915 but I didn't go into the old raptures again. 541 01:29:55,125 --> 01:29:57,831 I'd stopped making longer expeditions, 542 01:29:57,865 --> 01:30:02,006 since I'd drawn up my boundaries the previous summer. 543 01:30:02,039 --> 01:30:05,012 I no longer cared where the wall went. 544 01:30:12,059 --> 01:30:17,403 That summer I quite forgot that Lynx was a dog and I a human. 545 01:30:17,436 --> 01:30:22,113 I knew it, but it had lost any distinctive meaning. 546 01:30:24,483 --> 01:30:27,657 Lynx too had changed. 547 01:30:28,158 --> 01:30:32,701 Now he had so much of my attention, he had grown calmer 548 01:30:32,735 --> 01:30:34,237 and didn't seem constantly afraid 549 01:30:36,107 --> 01:30:38,947 that I might vanish into thin air as soon as he went off for five minutes. 550 01:30:40,951 --> 01:30:42,955 Thinking about it today, 551 01:30:42,988 --> 01:30:47,965 I believe that was the only big fear in his dog's life, 552 01:30:47,998 --> 01:30:50,804 being abandoned, on his own. 553 01:30:52,439 --> 01:30:55,479 I too had learned a lot more 554 01:30:55,513 --> 01:30:59,120 and understood almost all his movements and sounds. 555 01:31:00,289 --> 01:31:05,165 Now, at last, there was a silent understanding between us. 556 01:36:42,574 --> 01:36:45,144 I carried Lynx to the hut 557 01:36:46,481 --> 01:36:48,952 and laid him on the bench. 558 01:36:52,527 --> 01:36:56,535 He'd suddenly grown small and light. 559 01:36:59,172 --> 01:37:05,586 And then, as if from a great distance, I heard Bella roaring. 560 01:37:05,953 --> 01:37:08,826 She was beside herself with fear. 561 01:37:09,628 --> 01:37:12,499 I tried to calm her down. 562 01:37:13,836 --> 01:37:16,775 Only then did I remember the man. 563 01:37:21,016 --> 01:37:23,889 I knew he must be dead. 564 01:37:25,024 --> 01:37:28,866 He had been such a big target that I couldn't have missed. 565 01:37:33,909 --> 01:37:36,582 I was glad he was dead, 566 01:37:37,584 --> 01:37:42,092 it would have been hard for me to kill an injured person. 567 01:37:42,125 --> 01:37:45,566 Yet I couldn't have left him alive. 568 01:37:45,600 --> 01:37:48,872 Or maybe I could, I don't know. 569 01:37:51,912 --> 01:37:55,018 I didn't want to leave him in the meadow 570 01:37:55,051 --> 01:38:00,261 not beside the dead bull, in the virgin grass. 571 01:38:00,294 --> 01:38:03,067 So I picked him up by the legs 572 01:38:03,100 --> 01:38:05,806 and dragged him to the lookout point. 573 01:38:05,840 --> 01:38:11,150 There, where the rocks fall steeply to the scree-slope 574 01:38:11,183 --> 01:38:13,120 and alpine roses blossom in June, 575 01:38:13,154 --> 01:38:16,026 I let him roll down the hill. 576 01:38:21,738 --> 01:38:25,311 I dug a grave for Lynx in the evening. 577 01:38:25,813 --> 01:38:29,888 I dug the hole deep, laid Lynx into it, 578 01:38:29,921 --> 01:38:34,731 covered him with earth and stamped the grass down over it. 579 01:38:34,764 --> 01:38:37,335 And then I was very tired, 580 01:38:38,137 --> 01:38:41,043 more tired than ever before. 581 01:39:54,623 --> 01:40:00,001 Then I sat down on the bench and waited for the long night. 582 01:40:00,034 --> 01:40:03,140 It was a bright, starlit night, 583 01:40:03,174 --> 01:40:07,115 and the wind drifted down coldly from the cliffs. 584 01:40:07,148 --> 01:40:12,192 But I was colder than the wind and didn't feel the chill. 585 01:40:15,498 --> 01:40:20,274 At first light I got up and left the pasture with Bella. 586 01:40:22,312 --> 01:40:26,486 The next day I resumed my usual work. 587 01:40:27,055 --> 01:40:31,463 October came and I harvested potatoes and fruit. 588 01:40:32,132 --> 01:40:38,010 The straw needed cutting, but that took only a week, 589 01:40:39,379 --> 01:40:43,320 and finally, physically beaten and broken, 590 01:40:43,354 --> 01:40:45,692 I stopped my pointless escape attempts 591 01:40:45,725 --> 01:40:48,497 and confronted my thoughts. 592 01:40:52,673 --> 01:40:55,645 Nothing at all came of it. 593 01:41:11,176 --> 01:41:15,986 I would like to know why the stranger killed my animals. 594 01:41:16,654 --> 01:41:21,330 I shall never find out and perhaps it is better that way. 595 01:41:24,336 --> 01:41:27,142 Now I am quite calm. 596 01:41:27,743 --> 01:41:30,615 I can see a little further ahead. 597 01:41:31,150 --> 01:41:34,623 I can see that this is not yet the end. 598 01:41:35,291 --> 01:41:38,164 Everything goes on. 599 01:41:38,197 --> 01:41:42,272 Bull, Pearl and Lynx will never exist again, 600 01:41:43,407 --> 01:41:48,250 but something new is coming, and I can't avoid that. 601 01:41:49,319 --> 01:41:54,763 The memories, the grief and the fear will remain, 602 01:41:54,797 --> 01:41:58,370 and the hard work, for as long as I live. 603 01:42:08,290 --> 01:42:12,799 Today, on the 25th of February, 604 01:42:12,833 --> 01:42:15,371 I shall end my report. 605 01:42:16,874 --> 01:42:20,348 There isn't a single sheet of paper left. 606 01:42:21,851 --> 01:42:24,289 It's now around 5:00 in the evening, 607 01:42:24,322 --> 01:42:28,464 and already so light that I can write without the lamp. 608 01:42:29,466 --> 01:42:34,577 The crows have risen and circle screeching over the forest. 609 01:42:35,478 --> 01:42:37,649 When they are out of sight 610 01:42:37,683 --> 01:42:41,891 I will go to the clearing and feed the white crow. 611 01:42:43,427 --> 01:42:45,732 It is waiting there for me. 50850

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