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1
00:01:06,212 --> 00:01:11,556
Today, the fifth of November,
I will begin my report.
2
00:01:13,593 --> 00:01:17,668
I will set everything down
as precisely as I can.
3
00:01:19,038 --> 00:01:23,312
Yet I don't even know if today
really is the fifth of November.
4
00:01:23,713 --> 00:01:28,990
Over the course of the past winter
I've lost track of a few days.
5
00:01:29,525 --> 00:01:32,731
I can't even say
what day of the week it is.
6
00:01:33,232 --> 00:01:36,472
Not that I think that is very important.
7
00:01:37,608 --> 00:01:41,415
I will have to rely on
a few meager notes,
8
00:01:41,448 --> 00:01:45,724
meager, because I never expected
to write this report.
9
00:01:45,757 --> 00:01:52,036
I'm afraid much of what I remember will
be different from my real experiences
10
00:01:52,605 --> 00:01:56,178
All reports probably share this issue.
11
00:01:56,579 --> 00:01:59,819
I'm not writing for the joy of writing.
12
00:01:59,852 --> 00:02:03,259
So many things have happened
to me that I must write,
13
00:02:03,292 --> 00:02:06,298
if I don't want to lose my mind.
14
00:02:06,833 --> 00:02:11,175
There is no one here
to think and care for me.
15
00:02:11,475 --> 00:02:13,747
I am quite alone
16
00:02:13,780 --> 00:02:18,757
and I must try to get through
the long, dark winter months.
17
00:02:19,725 --> 00:02:21,829
I have taken on this task
18
00:02:21,863 --> 00:02:27,474
to keep me from staring into
the gloom and being frightened.
19
00:02:28,376 --> 00:02:30,446
Because I am frightened.
20
00:02:30,480 --> 00:02:33,219
Fear creeps up on me from all sides,
21
00:02:33,252 --> 00:02:37,595
and I do not want to wait until
it gets to me and overpowers me.
22
00:02:37,628 --> 00:02:40,266
I shall write until darkness falls,
23
00:02:40,300 --> 00:02:44,474
and this new, unfamiliar work
should make my mind tired,
24
00:02:44,509 --> 00:02:47,214
empty and drowsy.
25
00:02:47,247 --> 00:02:52,490
I'm not afraid of morning, only
of the long, gloomy afternoons.
26
00:03:50,574 --> 00:03:56,586
I write on the backs of old
calendars and on faded stationery.
27
00:03:56,619 --> 00:03:59,090
The paper belonged to Hugo Rüttlinger,
28
00:03:59,123 --> 00:04:02,665
a great collector and hypochondriac.
29
00:04:02,698 --> 00:04:05,937
This report should actually
begin with Hugo.
30
00:04:05,971 --> 00:04:09,411
If it weren't for his
collecting and hypochondria,
31
00:04:09,444 --> 00:04:11,716
I wouldn't be sitting here today.
32
00:04:11,749 --> 00:04:14,822
I probably wouldn't even be alive.
33
00:05:50,614 --> 00:05:53,620
It was 3:00 p.m. before we
reached the hunting lodge.
34
00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:59,632
After a snack,
as Hugo was starting to nod off,
35
00:05:59,665 --> 00:06:03,673
Luise suggested that they
go back to the village again.
36
00:06:08,195 --> 00:06:10,313
Come on!
37
00:06:14,572 --> 00:06:18,569
We won't stay long. We'll go
hunting very early in the morning.
38
00:06:18,740 --> 00:06:21,698
The key is in the ignition
if you want to meet us.
39
00:06:21,705 --> 00:06:24,138
- Come on!
- Yes.
40
00:06:26,490 --> 00:06:29,608
Where is Lynx?
Lynx?
41
00:06:29,741 --> 00:06:34,339
The dog stays here!
That stupid dog never obeys.
42
00:06:38,660 --> 00:06:42,657
Lynx? Lynx, come on!
43
00:06:48,371 --> 00:06:50,169
Heel!
44
00:06:51,580 --> 00:06:54,377
Come Lynx!
45
00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:58,136
- Heel!
- Don't be so strict.
46
00:06:58,290 --> 00:07:03,285
Lynx, if you don't want to go,
then you stay up here. Go back!
47
00:07:03,416 --> 00:07:06,134
Go! Go!
48
00:09:17,359 --> 00:09:20,132
At 9:00 I decided to go to bed.
49
00:09:20,165 --> 00:09:24,440
I locked the door and took
the key with me to my room.
50
00:10:49,798 --> 00:10:52,476
Well, Lynx? What's going on?
51
00:11:35,936 --> 00:11:38,876
They must have stayed in the village.
52
00:11:38,909 --> 00:11:41,281
I was very surprised.
53
00:11:41,314 --> 00:11:43,952
Hugo couldn't stand
the short beds at the inn,
54
00:11:43,986 --> 00:11:46,825
and he'd not have been so inconsiderate
55
00:11:46,858 --> 00:11:49,764
as to leave me alone
in the lodge overnight.
56
00:11:51,568 --> 00:11:55,309
I set off towards the village with Lynx.
57
00:11:59,584 --> 00:12:02,824
I couldn't figure out what had happened.
58
00:12:03,458 --> 00:12:06,665
I hardly noticed how cool
and damp it was in the gorge,
59
00:12:06,698 --> 00:12:11,508
because I was brooding about what
happened to the Rüttlingers.
60
00:12:12,008 --> 00:12:15,014
Hugo might have had a heart attack.
61
00:12:15,583 --> 00:12:17,987
As it happens so often
with hypochondria,
62
00:12:18,020 --> 00:12:21,595
we had stopped
taking his condition seriously.
63
00:12:22,630 --> 00:12:26,437
I quickened my pace
and sent Lynx on ahead.
64
00:12:27,005 --> 00:12:30,044
I hadn't thought
to put on my climbing boots
65
00:12:30,078 --> 00:12:34,019
and stumbled clumsily behind him
across the sharp stones.
66
00:13:09,860 --> 00:13:13,577
What is it?
67
00:13:14,526 --> 00:13:19,084
What do you have?
Did you hurt yourself?
68
00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:26,756
Have you bitten on your tongue?
69
00:13:34,073 --> 00:13:36,351
Lynx come!
70
00:13:36,490 --> 00:13:38,129
Come on!
71
00:13:40,323 --> 00:13:42,323
Lynx, what is it?
72
00:13:44,450 --> 00:13:46,409
Come on!
73
00:14:28,314 --> 00:14:32,188
Then I heard a thumping sound
and glanced around
74
00:14:32,222 --> 00:14:37,900
before realizing it was my own
heartbeat thundering in my ears.
75
00:14:40,038 --> 00:14:44,814
My heart had been frightened
before I was even aware of it.
76
00:14:46,818 --> 00:14:49,624
I tentatively tried again,
77
00:14:50,058 --> 00:14:55,368
and once more my hand rested
on something like a windowpane.
78
00:15:31,106 --> 00:15:36,918
Suddenly I realized what might have been
unconsciously worrying me all along.
79
00:15:37,485 --> 00:15:40,458
The road was entirely deserted.
80
00:15:40,491 --> 00:15:44,834
Someone would have
raised the alarm ages ago.
81
00:15:45,168 --> 00:15:48,074
It would have been natural
for the villagers
82
00:15:48,107 --> 00:15:50,946
to be curious and assemble by the wall.
83
00:15:50,980 --> 00:15:54,352
Even if none of them
had discovered the wall,
84
00:15:54,386 --> 00:15:57,358
Hugo and Luise would surely
have bumped into it.
85
00:15:57,392 --> 00:16:00,131
Not seeing a single person
86
00:16:00,164 --> 00:16:03,505
puzzled me even more
than the wall itself.
87
00:16:30,525 --> 00:16:33,832
I got up three more times
and convinced myself
88
00:16:33,866 --> 00:16:36,470
that here, three meters from me,
89
00:16:36,504 --> 00:16:42,248
there really was something
invisible, smooth and cool
90
00:16:42,282 --> 00:16:45,054
blocking my path.
91
00:16:45,923 --> 00:16:48,027
I thought it might be a hallucination
92
00:16:48,060 --> 00:16:51,466
but of course I knew that
it was nothing of that sort.
93
00:16:52,335 --> 00:16:55,408
I could have coped much more
easily with momentary insanity
94
00:16:55,441 --> 00:16:59,016
than with this terrible,
invisible thing.
95
00:17:19,657 --> 00:17:23,598
The first little farmhouse,
only a cottage, in fact,
96
00:17:23,631 --> 00:17:26,370
was just around the next corner.
97
00:17:26,403 --> 00:17:29,076
At last I could see the cottage.
98
00:17:29,109 --> 00:17:34,352
It lay very still in the sunlight...
a peaceful, familiar scene.
99
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:38,360
Excuse me, I...
100
00:18:55,314 --> 00:18:58,187
Come on, Lynx. Come.
101
00:19:19,396 --> 00:19:23,738
We were in a bad situation, Lynx and I,
102
00:19:23,771 --> 00:19:27,378
and at the time
we didn't know how bad it was.
103
00:19:27,813 --> 00:19:32,455
But we weren't lost entirely,
because we had each other.
104
00:19:40,939 --> 00:19:45,214
And if they did, then not in
little villages in the mountains,
105
00:19:45,248 --> 00:19:48,721
not in Austria and not in Europe.
106
00:19:49,723 --> 00:19:52,295
I know how ridiculous that thought was,
107
00:19:52,328 --> 00:19:56,303
but I must admit that
this is what I was thinking.
108
00:22:44,940 --> 00:22:49,281
I woke up around 6:00,
when the birds started singing.
109
00:22:49,950 --> 00:22:54,125
Although I had barely moved,
Lynx knew I was awake
110
00:22:54,158 --> 00:22:56,597
and came to my bed to greet me.
111
00:23:01,774 --> 00:23:04,145
Suddenly it seemed quite impossible
112
00:23:04,178 --> 00:23:06,984
that I would survive
that bright day in May.
113
00:23:07,417 --> 00:23:11,225
At the same time
I knew I had to survive it
114
00:23:11,761 --> 00:23:14,633
and that I had no means of escape.
115
00:23:14,967 --> 00:23:19,375
I had to stay quite calm
and simply get through it.
116
00:23:25,789 --> 00:23:30,631
It wasn't the first time in my life
that I had had to survive like this.
117
00:23:31,065 --> 00:23:35,073
The less I resisted it,
the more bearable it would be.
118
00:24:00,825 --> 00:24:04,767
I no longer remember
what I did that morning.
119
00:24:06,102 --> 00:24:11,112
Maybe the hours that followed were
so awful I've had to forget them,
120
00:24:11,881 --> 00:24:15,420
maybe I spent them
in a state of numbness.
121
00:24:15,453 --> 00:24:17,191
I can't remember.
122
00:25:25,193 --> 00:25:28,935
I finally emerged
from this state around 2:00 p.m.
123
00:25:28,968 --> 00:25:32,041
when I walked
through the gorge with Lynx.
124
00:25:32,074 --> 00:25:37,184
This time I was better equipped. I
had Hugo's binoculars with me, too.
125
00:26:17,297 --> 00:26:22,675
If the man at the well was dead, and
there could be no doubt about that,
126
00:26:23,409 --> 00:26:26,049
then everyone in the valley was dead,
127
00:26:26,082 --> 00:26:30,457
and not only the people, but
everything that had been live.
128
00:26:31,059 --> 00:26:35,768
If that was death, it had
come very quickly and gently,
129
00:26:35,801 --> 00:26:38,439
almost lovingly.
130
00:26:41,379 --> 00:26:46,590
Perhaps it would have been wiser to have
gone with Hugo and Luise to the village.
131
00:27:12,174 --> 00:27:13,844
Lynx!
132
00:27:13,877 --> 00:27:15,648
What's up?
133
00:27:18,920 --> 00:27:21,259
Lynx, come here.
134
00:28:19,308 --> 00:28:20,644
Come.
135
00:28:22,281 --> 00:28:23,584
Come on.
136
00:28:28,293 --> 00:28:31,933
It had dawned on me that the
cow might well be a blessing,
137
00:28:31,966 --> 00:28:34,939
but it was also a burden.
138
00:28:34,972 --> 00:28:38,413
An animal like that
has to be fed and milked
139
00:28:38,446 --> 00:28:41,520
and needs someone there all the time.
140
00:28:41,986 --> 00:28:45,728
I was the owner
and the prisoner of a cow.
141
00:28:46,796 --> 00:28:49,569
I thought about the cow as well,
of course.
142
00:28:50,036 --> 00:28:53,777
If I was especially lucky,
she would be expecting a calf.
143
00:28:54,445 --> 00:28:57,016
But I couldn't rely on that,
144
00:28:57,050 --> 00:29:01,325
I could only hope my cow would
give milk for as long as possible.
145
00:29:02,728 --> 00:29:06,803
I still saw my situation
as a transitory condition,
146
00:29:07,505 --> 00:29:10,578
at least that's what I tried to do.
147
00:29:15,019 --> 00:29:20,363
I thought of a name for my cow
and called her Bella.
148
00:29:20,397 --> 00:29:22,935
She didn't actually need a name at all.
149
00:29:23,637 --> 00:29:29,716
She was the only cow in the forest,
perhaps the only cow in the region.
150
00:29:33,937 --> 00:29:35,583
Until tomorrow, Bella.
151
00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:27,958
10 days had passed,
152
00:33:27,992 --> 00:33:31,331
and nothing
about my situation had changed.
153
00:33:31,364 --> 00:33:34,571
For ten days I'd been numbing
my mind with work,
154
00:33:34,605 --> 00:33:37,210
but the wall was still there,
155
00:33:37,243 --> 00:33:40,216
and nobody had come to get me.
156
00:33:43,957 --> 00:33:48,398
I had no alternative
but to face up to reality.
157
00:34:13,015 --> 00:34:15,152
I could kill myself,
158
00:34:15,186 --> 00:34:18,325
or try and dig my way under the wall,
159
00:34:18,358 --> 00:34:22,433
which would probably have been
a strenuous form of suicide.
160
00:34:24,571 --> 00:34:29,648
Or I could stay here
and try to stay alive.
161
00:34:35,326 --> 00:34:40,269
I was no longer young enough to
think seriously about suicide.
162
00:34:40,302 --> 00:34:45,179
It was chiefly thoughts about Lynx
and Bella that kept me from it.
163
00:34:45,212 --> 00:34:50,723
Thanks to Hugo's attentiveness,
I had provisions for the summer,
164
00:34:50,757 --> 00:34:55,567
a home, a lifetime's supply
of wood and a cow.
165
00:35:42,894 --> 00:35:46,602
I firmly resolved
to wind up the clocks each day,
166
00:35:46,635 --> 00:35:49,741
and to cross off the days
from the calendar.
167
00:35:49,775 --> 00:35:52,280
At that time
it seemed very important to me.
168
00:35:52,947 --> 00:35:58,425
I was desperately trying to hold on
to the remnants of civilized life.
169
00:35:59,795 --> 00:36:01,799
I don't know why.
170
00:36:02,501 --> 00:36:05,339
It was almost an inner compulsion.
171
00:36:07,243 --> 00:36:09,681
Perhaps I was afraid
that if I did otherwise
172
00:36:09,715 --> 00:36:12,621
I'd slowly cease to be a human being
173
00:36:12,987 --> 00:36:16,428
and soon start to crawl about,
filthy and stinking,
174
00:36:16,461 --> 00:36:19,668
emitting incomprehensible sounds.
175
00:36:20,236 --> 00:36:22,941
It wasn't that I was afraid
of becoming an animal.
176
00:36:22,974 --> 00:36:25,747
That wouldn't have been so bad,
177
00:36:25,780 --> 00:36:29,588
yet a human being
can never become an animal,
178
00:36:29,621 --> 00:36:33,262
he plunges past an animal
existence into the abyss.
179
00:36:35,833 --> 00:36:38,706
I don't want this to happen to me.
180
00:36:39,374 --> 00:36:43,282
Recently that's what
has made me most afraid,
181
00:36:43,315 --> 00:36:46,755
and it is out of that fear
that I write my report.
182
00:36:50,563 --> 00:36:56,642
On the 30th of May, it rained
a warm and fertile rain all day
183
00:36:56,675 --> 00:37:01,752
that forced me to stay inside
or get drenched in a moment.
184
00:37:38,024 --> 00:37:41,565
That evening the cat came into my house.
185
00:37:42,934 --> 00:37:48,478
So there were four of us,
the cow, the cat, Lynx and me.
186
00:37:49,981 --> 00:37:52,453
Lynx was closest to me,
187
00:37:52,486 --> 00:37:56,127
and soon he wasn't just my dog,
but my friend,
188
00:37:56,160 --> 00:38:00,570
my only friend in a world
of troubles and loneliness.
189
00:38:56,393 --> 00:38:58,312
It's okay, Lynx.
190
00:40:05,251 --> 00:40:08,859
Bella kept me tied to the lodge,
191
00:40:08,893 --> 00:40:12,701
but I wanted to try
to have a look around.
192
00:40:13,401 --> 00:40:18,377
I remembered a path
that led to a lodge higher up,
193
00:40:18,411 --> 00:40:21,919
and down from there
into the opposite valley.
194
00:40:21,952 --> 00:40:23,823
That was where I wanted to go.
195
00:41:32,134 --> 00:41:34,718
Lynx! Heel!
196
00:42:02,960 --> 00:42:04,576
Wait, Lynx!
197
00:43:06,147 --> 00:43:09,253
So now I had examined those valleys
198
00:43:09,286 --> 00:43:12,593
I could reach without staying
away for days at a time.
199
00:43:12,626 --> 00:43:17,603
I could still climb up to the pasture
and look out over the landscape,
200
00:43:17,636 --> 00:43:22,513
but I couldn't risk going any further
into the long mountain range.
201
00:43:22,546 --> 00:43:26,654
Of course somebody would find me
if there was no wall over there.
202
00:43:26,688 --> 00:43:31,097
I had to tell myself they'd
surely have found me long since.
203
00:43:31,130 --> 00:43:34,069
I could sit quietly at home and wait.
204
00:43:35,171 --> 00:43:41,250
But I kept feeling compelled to do
something to counteract uncertainty.
205
00:45:22,686 --> 00:45:25,491
At about 1:00 p.m. I sat down to rest.
206
00:45:26,427 --> 00:45:29,534
The forest lay hazily in the midday sun,
207
00:45:29,567 --> 00:45:33,273
and the warm scent
from the pines floated up to me.
208
00:45:34,443 --> 00:45:37,683
It was much quieter
than in the moonlit night,
209
00:45:37,716 --> 00:45:41,724
as if the forest lay paralyzed
by sleep beneath the yellow sun.
210
00:45:41,758 --> 00:45:45,599
A bird of prey
circled high in the blue sky,
211
00:45:46,601 --> 00:45:49,373
Lynx slept, his ears twitching,
212
00:45:49,406 --> 00:45:53,481
and great silence
descended on me like a bell jar.
213
00:46:06,741 --> 00:46:09,880
I wished I could sit here forever,
214
00:46:09,914 --> 00:46:13,387
in the warmth, in the light,
215
00:46:13,421 --> 00:46:18,063
the dog at my feet
and the bird circling above.
216
00:46:33,226 --> 00:46:38,036
When I walked on
I did so with deep regret,
217
00:46:38,070 --> 00:46:41,076
and on the way I slowly changed,
218
00:46:41,109 --> 00:46:45,485
becoming the only creature
that didn't belong here,
219
00:46:45,519 --> 00:46:47,489
a human...
220
00:46:47,523 --> 00:46:50,127
troubled by chaotic thoughts,
221
00:46:50,160 --> 00:46:53,768
cracking branches with clumsy shoes,
222
00:46:53,802 --> 00:46:56,708
engaged in the bloody
business of hunting.
223
00:48:06,748 --> 00:48:12,660
I realize that I never noted down
days on which I'd shot game.
224
00:48:13,962 --> 00:48:17,836
Now I remember I found it
too revolting to write about.
225
00:48:19,072 --> 00:48:22,044
It was bad enough
that I had to do it at all.
226
00:50:14,035 --> 00:50:19,045
I named the little cat Pearl,
she was so white and rosy.
227
00:50:20,114 --> 00:50:25,490
In a few weeks I realized that
Pearl, an unkempt little thing,
228
00:50:25,525 --> 00:50:29,198
was on the point of becoming a beauty.
229
00:50:30,267 --> 00:50:33,306
Pearl was a small miracle,
230
00:50:33,340 --> 00:50:37,582
but even then I knew she'd
been born in the wrong place.
231
00:50:37,615 --> 00:50:40,521
A long-haired white cat
in the middle of the forest
232
00:50:40,555 --> 00:50:43,226
is condemned to an early death.
233
00:50:43,727 --> 00:50:46,232
She had no chance at all.
234
00:50:47,635 --> 00:50:50,675
Perhaps that's why I was so fond of her.
235
00:50:51,276 --> 00:50:54,382
If I think back to the first summer,
236
00:50:54,415 --> 00:50:57,722
it is shadowed more
by the concern for my animals
237
00:50:57,755 --> 00:51:00,928
than by my own desperate situation.
238
00:51:02,198 --> 00:51:06,339
Catastrophe had relieved me
of much responsibility,
239
00:51:06,372 --> 00:51:10,380
but I found, in time, that it
placed a new burden upon me.
240
00:51:10,414 --> 00:51:13,453
Once I was able to assess
the situation a little,
241
00:51:13,486 --> 00:51:17,662
I'd long since ceased being able
to change anything about it.
242
00:51:18,731 --> 00:51:24,643
I don't think my behavior was due
to weakness or sentimentality.
243
00:51:24,676 --> 00:51:28,684
I was simply following an instinct
that had been implanted in me
244
00:51:28,717 --> 00:51:31,056
which I was powerless against
245
00:51:31,089 --> 00:51:33,694
if I didn't want to destroy myself.
246
00:51:34,495 --> 00:51:37,401
I can't see what should be dishonorable
247
00:51:37,434 --> 00:51:41,109
about bearing the burden we're
given, as all animals must.
248
00:51:41,142 --> 00:51:44,382
In the end, we die as all animals do.
249
00:51:45,284 --> 00:51:48,290
I don't even know what honor is.
250
00:51:49,225 --> 00:51:52,765
Being born and dying
is not a matter of honor.
251
00:51:52,799 --> 00:51:55,404
It happens to all creatures
252
00:51:55,437 --> 00:51:58,443
and has no meaning beyond that.
253
00:52:04,388 --> 00:52:07,361
On the 20th of July
I started to harvest the hay.
254
00:54:00,521 --> 00:54:04,663
It took me three weeks
to harvest the meadow.
255
00:54:05,397 --> 00:54:08,102
This wasn't only the weather's fault,
256
00:54:08,135 --> 00:54:12,010
but also that of my clumsiness
and physical weakness.
257
00:54:40,701 --> 00:54:44,609
I was overcome by a wave of despair,
258
00:54:44,643 --> 00:54:47,414
and, for the first time,
I understood quite clearly
259
00:54:47,448 --> 00:54:50,119
the hard blow that had hit me.
260
00:54:50,153 --> 00:54:52,692
I don't know what would have happened
261
00:54:52,725 --> 00:54:56,165
if responsibility for my animals
hadn't forced me
262
00:54:56,198 --> 00:54:59,806
to do at least
the most necessary things.
263
00:55:04,516 --> 00:55:07,789
I don't like remembering that time.
264
00:55:08,122 --> 00:55:12,832
It was 14 days before
I could pull myself together
265
00:55:12,865 --> 00:55:15,203
and start living again.
266
00:59:07,969 --> 00:59:11,375
Autumn was always my favorite season,
267
00:59:11,408 --> 00:59:14,548
although I never felt
very well physically.
268
00:59:14,582 --> 00:59:17,621
In the daytime
I was tired yet wide awake,
269
00:59:18,222 --> 00:59:21,729
and at night I lay for hours
in restless half-sleep
270
00:59:21,762 --> 00:59:25,637
with dreams that were more
confusing and vivid than usual.
271
00:59:25,670 --> 00:59:29,311
My autumnal malaise didn't
spare me in the forest, either,
272
00:59:29,344 --> 00:59:33,319
but since I could hardly afford
it, it took a less extreme form.
273
00:59:34,187 --> 00:59:37,995
Perhaps I didn't have the time
to notice it.
274
00:59:39,264 --> 00:59:42,571
Lynx was very cheerful,
in very high spirits
275
00:59:43,139 --> 00:59:46,779
though an outsider
wouldn't have noticed.
276
00:59:46,812 --> 00:59:49,518
He was, after all,
cheerful almost all the time.
277
00:59:49,552 --> 00:59:53,225
I never saw him stay sulky
for more than three minutes.
278
00:59:53,626 --> 00:59:57,734
He simply couldn't
resist the urge to be cheerful.
279
00:59:58,736 --> 01:00:02,511
And life in the forest was
a constant temptation to him.
280
01:00:02,544 --> 01:00:06,185
Sun, snow, wind, rain...
281
01:00:06,218 --> 01:00:09,592
everything was a cause for joy.
282
01:00:09,625 --> 01:00:13,465
With Lynx nearby,
I could never stay sad for long.
283
01:00:13,499 --> 01:00:17,708
It was almost humbling that
being with me made him so happy.
284
01:00:19,512 --> 01:00:23,051
Perhaps man's delusions
of grandeur come from dogs.
285
01:00:23,485 --> 01:00:29,297
Sometimes I even imagined there
must be something special about me
286
01:00:29,331 --> 01:00:33,372
that made Lynx almost keel over
with joy at the sight of me.
287
01:00:33,405 --> 01:00:36,846
Of course there was
never anything special about me.
288
01:00:36,879 --> 01:00:40,486
Lynx was, like all dogs,
simply addicted to people.
289
01:00:40,905 --> 01:00:43,943
Yes, you're my Lynx. Yes.
290
01:00:44,738 --> 01:00:46,538
Good Boy.
291
01:01:04,902 --> 01:01:09,477
At times now, when I walk alone
in the wintry forest,
292
01:01:09,512 --> 01:01:12,551
I talk to Lynx as I did before.
293
01:01:12,584 --> 01:01:15,223
I have no idea I'm doing it
294
01:01:15,256 --> 01:01:18,395
until something
startles me and I fall silent.
295
01:01:19,598 --> 01:01:24,374
I turn my head and catch the
gleam of a reddish-brown coat.
296
01:01:24,407 --> 01:01:29,484
But the path is empty,
bare bushes and wet stones.
297
01:01:39,572 --> 01:01:43,913
I'm not surprised that
I still hear the dry branches
298
01:01:43,946 --> 01:01:46,786
cracking under
the light tread of his feet.
299
01:01:46,819 --> 01:01:51,562
What else would his little
dog-soul haunt, if not my trail?
300
01:01:52,831 --> 01:01:56,839
He's a friendly ghost
and I'm not afraid of him.
301
01:01:58,976 --> 01:02:03,051
Lynx... beautiful, good dog.
302
01:02:03,084 --> 01:02:05,757
My dog,
303
01:02:05,790 --> 01:02:10,567
it's probably my poor head that
makes the sound of your footsteps,
304
01:02:10,600 --> 01:02:12,504
the gleam of your coat.
305
01:02:14,775 --> 01:02:17,948
As long as I exist
you'll follow my trail,
306
01:02:17,981 --> 01:02:19,985
hungry and yearning,
307
01:02:20,018 --> 01:02:24,862
as I myself, hungry and yearning,
follow invisible trails.
308
01:02:26,832 --> 01:02:30,072
Neither of us will
ever capture our prey.
309
01:03:04,508 --> 01:03:08,114
The first snow fell
on the 27th of October.
310
01:03:09,050 --> 01:03:12,089
It took only a few days
for winter to set in.
311
01:03:12,691 --> 01:03:14,628
Then came the warm wind
312
01:03:14,662 --> 01:03:17,433
and licked the young snow
from the mountains.
313
01:03:18,536 --> 01:03:20,540
It became disagreeably warm,
314
01:03:20,574 --> 01:03:23,813
and the wind hissed
day and night around the lodge.
315
01:03:27,219 --> 01:03:29,056
I slept badly
316
01:03:30,860 --> 01:03:34,433
and listened to the baying of stags
down below for the rutting season.
317
01:03:34,968 --> 01:03:39,210
Both cats were drawn outside
into the warm, damp forest.
318
01:03:39,243 --> 01:03:43,051
I lay awake and worried about Pearl.
319
01:03:43,953 --> 01:03:46,224
The baying of the stags sounded sad,
320
01:03:46,257 --> 01:03:49,163
threatening
and sometimes even desperate.
321
01:03:59,183 --> 01:04:02,658
I only hoped the wind
wouldn't last too long,
322
01:04:02,691 --> 01:04:05,830
and that winter
would finally bring us peace.
323
01:04:06,732 --> 01:04:09,738
The wind only held out for three days,
324
01:04:09,772 --> 01:04:13,044
just long enough to kill Pearl.
325
01:04:45,977 --> 01:04:48,181
Pearl was buried,
326
01:04:48,750 --> 01:04:50,987
and the wind died down overnight,
327
01:04:51,020 --> 01:04:53,860
as if it had accomplished its task.
328
01:04:54,895 --> 01:04:57,232
I haven't forgotten Pearl.
329
01:04:58,101 --> 01:05:02,009
Her death was the first loss
I suffered in the forest.
330
01:05:03,980 --> 01:05:08,021
Once, it must have been
in the first winter,
331
01:05:08,054 --> 01:05:10,827
I saw a fox standing at the stream.
332
01:05:10,860 --> 01:05:13,164
I could have shot it,
333
01:05:13,198 --> 01:05:17,106
I had the gun with me, but I didn't.
334
01:05:18,341 --> 01:05:23,986
Pearl had to die just because one of her
ancestors was an over-bred Angora cat.
335
01:05:24,020 --> 01:05:27,092
From the start she had been
destined as a victim.
336
01:05:27,492 --> 01:05:32,136
Was I to punish the beautiful,
living fox for this?
337
01:05:32,804 --> 01:05:35,810
Pearl had suffered an injustice,
338
01:05:35,844 --> 01:05:38,950
but the same injustice
had also befallen her victims.
339
01:05:39,416 --> 01:05:42,122
Did I have to pass it on to the fox?
340
01:05:44,762 --> 01:05:50,005
The only creature in the forest that
can really do right or wrong is me.
341
01:05:50,774 --> 01:05:53,078
And I alone can show mercy.
342
01:05:54,080 --> 01:05:58,254
Sometimes I wish I were not
burdened by these decisions.
343
01:05:58,288 --> 01:06:00,292
But I am a human,
344
01:06:00,325 --> 01:06:03,431
and I can only
think and act like a human.
345
01:06:04,100 --> 01:06:06,906
Only death will free me from that.
346
01:06:07,841 --> 01:06:12,851
When I think of winter, I see the
frost-covered fox at the stream.
347
01:06:12,884 --> 01:06:18,529
A lonely, adult animal that
follows its predestined path.
348
01:06:19,163 --> 01:06:23,505
It seems that this image
means something important to me,
349
01:06:24,140 --> 01:06:27,780
as if it's only
a sign for something else.
350
01:06:28,181 --> 01:06:31,187
But I can't recognize its meaning.
351
01:06:42,484 --> 01:06:44,922
Yes, my Bella.
352
01:06:46,234 --> 01:06:48,952
Yes, you are beautiful.
353
01:06:52,229 --> 01:06:55,202
Bella had become more rounded,
354
01:06:55,235 --> 01:06:59,110
but I still didn't know
if she was expecting a calf.
355
01:07:03,351 --> 01:07:06,157
After all we have experienced,
356
01:07:06,190 --> 01:07:09,396
Bella has become more than my cow.
357
01:07:09,430 --> 01:07:11,902
She's a poor, patient sister,
358
01:07:11,936 --> 01:07:15,208
who bears her lot in life
with more dignity than I do.
359
01:09:05,529 --> 01:09:10,338
In the night I heard the cold
creaking in the wood.
360
01:09:11,608 --> 01:09:13,579
I'd put on a lot of extra logs,
361
01:09:13,612 --> 01:09:17,352
but was shivering under
the blanket and couldn't sleep.
362
01:09:18,589 --> 01:09:22,329
Sometimes a log would crackle,
then fall silent.
363
01:09:22,362 --> 01:09:24,634
I felt sick.
364
01:09:25,569 --> 01:09:29,410
I knew it was because
I had to keep on killing.
365
01:09:30,245 --> 01:09:35,523
I tried to imagine what a person
who enjoys killing might feel.
366
01:09:36,457 --> 01:09:38,394
I couldn't.
367
01:09:40,131 --> 01:09:44,674
The hair stood up on my arms, and
my mouth grew dry with disgust.
368
01:09:45,342 --> 01:09:48,348
You would probably need
to be born to it.
369
01:09:49,250 --> 01:09:53,725
I could bring myself to do it as
quickly and skillfully as possible,
370
01:09:54,460 --> 01:09:57,432
but I would never get used to it.
371
01:09:58,969 --> 01:10:02,777
I lay awake for ages
in the crackling darkness,
372
01:10:03,278 --> 01:10:05,916
thinking about the little heart
373
01:10:06,751 --> 01:10:11,427
freezing to a clump of ice
in the room above me.
374
01:10:29,396 --> 01:10:34,874
After the great freeze, a wave
of damp, warmer air set in.
375
01:10:35,743 --> 01:10:41,454
Bella grew nervous, and I had
to see to her 10 times a day.
376
01:10:41,988 --> 01:10:45,495
On the 11th of January,
Bella bled a little.
377
01:10:45,529 --> 01:10:47,733
It was after her evening feed,
378
01:10:47,767 --> 01:10:51,741
and I decided to set myself up
in the barn for the night.
379
01:10:55,503 --> 01:10:58,031
Come on, Bella! Hard!
380
01:11:04,226 --> 01:11:05,664
Hard!
381
01:11:33,670 --> 01:11:35,982
Come on, Bella, come on!
382
01:11:45,716 --> 01:11:49,189
So much had happened recently...
383
01:11:49,222 --> 01:11:53,932
Pearl had been killed, a little
bull had come into the world,
384
01:11:53,965 --> 01:11:55,903
deer had frozen to death,
385
01:11:55,936 --> 01:11:59,811
and the carnivores
had had a rich winter.
386
01:12:01,681 --> 01:12:05,187
I myself had had a lot of excitement,
387
01:12:05,221 --> 01:12:07,793
and now I was tired.
388
01:12:07,827 --> 01:12:12,537
When I closed my eyes I saw
snowy mountains on the horizon,
389
01:12:12,570 --> 01:12:18,715
white flakes dropping on my face
in a big, bright silence.
390
01:12:20,251 --> 01:12:24,861
I had no thoughts, no memories,
391
01:12:25,327 --> 01:12:29,102
there was only
the big, silent, snowy light.
392
01:12:30,304 --> 01:12:35,515
I knew this feeling could be
dangerous for a lonely person,
393
01:12:36,016 --> 01:12:40,091
but I couldn't muster
any strength to resist it.
394
01:13:24,345 --> 01:13:27,753
Lynx didn't leave me in peace for long.
395
01:13:28,053 --> 01:13:32,830
He kept coming to me
and prodding me with his nose.
396
01:13:32,863 --> 01:13:38,107
Sighing, I got up
and set about my daily work.
397
01:13:39,877 --> 01:13:45,054
Now Lynx, my friend and
guardian, has ceased to be,
398
01:13:45,087 --> 01:13:51,366
and sometimes the desire to go into the
white and painless silence is very great.
399
01:13:51,901 --> 01:13:54,039
I must take care of myself
400
01:13:54,072 --> 01:13:57,211
and be stricter with myself
than I was before.
401
01:14:01,186 --> 01:14:03,959
Lynx was my sixth sense.
402
01:14:04,392 --> 01:14:09,402
Now he's dead I feel like an amputee.
403
01:14:10,271 --> 01:14:14,412
I miss something
and will always miss it.
404
01:14:15,281 --> 01:14:20,157
It isn't only that I miss him when
I'm hunting and following trails
405
01:14:20,191 --> 01:14:24,767
and have to spend hours clambering
after a deer I've shot.
406
01:14:25,903 --> 01:14:28,273
It's not just that.
407
01:14:29,442 --> 01:14:36,023
The worst thing is that without
Lynx I feel truly alone.
408
01:14:54,894 --> 01:15:00,404
The question of moving to the pasture
occupied me more with every passing day.
409
01:15:00,437 --> 01:15:03,410
The task struck me as terribly arduous,
410
01:15:03,443 --> 01:15:06,349
even if I were
to take only necessities with me
411
01:15:06,383 --> 01:15:10,191
and live quite primitively
in the pasture.
412
01:15:10,558 --> 01:15:15,134
Once I realized that I'd settled
on the move long ago,
413
01:15:15,167 --> 01:15:19,911
when I'd first seen the green pastures,
414
01:15:19,944 --> 01:15:22,015
I grew calmer.
415
01:15:22,048 --> 01:15:24,219
And on the 25th of May
416
01:15:24,252 --> 01:15:28,027
I took my departure
from the hunting lodge.
417
01:15:36,109 --> 01:15:38,480
The path was quite well preserved,
418
01:15:38,514 --> 01:15:45,127
but it was still four hours before our
curious procession reached the pasture.
419
01:15:45,161 --> 01:15:47,131
It was approaching midday.
420
01:15:47,165 --> 01:15:49,302
I was completely exhausted,
421
01:15:49,335 --> 01:15:54,513
less from physical effort
than from nervous tension.
422
01:15:56,650 --> 01:15:58,621
Something new was beginning.
423
01:15:58,654 --> 01:16:01,093
I didn't know what it would bring me,
424
01:16:01,126 --> 01:16:06,570
but my homesickness and anxiety
about the future were fading.
425
01:16:08,007 --> 01:16:12,749
I started to realize that the pasture
is beautiful, strange and dangerous,
426
01:16:12,782 --> 01:16:17,025
and, like all strange things,
filled with secret seductions.
427
01:16:17,559 --> 01:16:20,532
It was a strange feeling to have
an overview of a wide area
428
01:16:20,565 --> 01:16:24,405
unhindered by mountains and trees.
429
01:16:24,806 --> 01:16:28,413
And it was not immediately
comfortable and liberating.
430
01:16:28,447 --> 01:16:32,021
My eyes had to get used to it,
431
01:16:32,055 --> 01:16:35,762
after a year in the narrow,
deep, circular valley.
432
01:16:41,707 --> 01:16:46,183
During my time in the pasture
I wrote no diary entries.
433
01:16:46,216 --> 01:16:51,059
I had taken the calendar with me and
dutifully crossed out each day,
434
01:16:51,093 --> 01:16:56,136
but I didn't even enter important
events such as the hay-harvest.
435
01:16:56,169 --> 01:17:00,177
The memory of that time
has remained fresh, however,
436
01:17:00,211 --> 01:17:03,317
and it isn't hard
for me to write about it.
437
01:17:03,350 --> 01:17:06,489
I shall never forge the fragrance
of summer, the rainstorms
438
01:17:06,524 --> 01:17:11,567
and the evenings glittering with stars.
439
01:19:37,859 --> 01:19:41,567
For the first time in my life
I was calm,
440
01:19:41,600 --> 01:19:46,510
not content or happy, but calm.
441
01:19:46,877 --> 01:19:53,389
It was as if a big hand had
stopped the clock in my head.
442
01:20:21,814 --> 01:20:25,120
Sometimes my thoughts tangle up,
443
01:20:25,153 --> 01:20:30,096
and it is as if the forest
is growing roots in me
444
01:20:30,130 --> 01:20:35,106
and thinking its old,
eternal thoughts with my brain.
445
01:20:36,275 --> 01:20:41,554
Back then, in the second summer,
I hadn't reached that point.
446
01:20:41,587 --> 01:20:44,593
The boundaries
were still firmly in place.
447
01:20:45,026 --> 01:20:50,972
I find it hard to separate my old
self from my new self when I write.
448
01:20:51,005 --> 01:20:53,911
And I'm not sure that my new self
449
01:20:53,944 --> 01:20:58,821
isn't being slowly absorbed
into some greater whole.
450
01:20:58,854 --> 01:21:02,294
But even then
the transformation was starting.
451
01:21:04,600 --> 01:21:06,202
It was the pasture's fault.
452
01:21:07,872 --> 01:21:11,614
It was almost impossible, in the
buzzing stillness of the meadow,
453
01:21:11,647 --> 01:21:17,592
beneath the big sky, to remain
a single, separate self,
454
01:21:17,626 --> 01:21:20,932
a small, blind, independent life
455
01:21:20,965 --> 01:21:25,173
that didn't want to integrate
into a greater community.
456
01:21:26,042 --> 01:21:30,918
Once my major source of pride
was to lead such a life,
457
01:21:31,218 --> 01:21:36,195
but in the pasture it suddenly
struck me as pathetic and absurd,
458
01:21:37,030 --> 01:21:39,970
an over-inflated nothing.
459
01:22:12,769 --> 01:22:16,777
On the 16th of October, after
my return from the pasture,
460
01:22:16,810 --> 01:22:19,916
I began to keep my diary again.
461
01:22:19,950 --> 01:22:23,222
For almost all of October
the weather was fine.
462
01:22:23,256 --> 01:22:28,266
I now made the most of the promising
climate and doubled my wood supply.
463
01:22:28,834 --> 01:22:31,072
On All Saints' Day
it suddenly grew warm,
464
01:22:31,105 --> 01:22:35,046
and I knew that this
could only herald winter.
465
01:22:41,258 --> 01:22:45,400
On the 10th of December
I find a strange entry,
466
01:22:46,235 --> 01:22:49,074
"Time is passing so quickly."
467
01:22:49,810 --> 01:22:53,116
I can't remember writing it.
468
01:22:53,149 --> 01:22:57,224
I don't know what happened
on that 10th of December
469
01:22:57,257 --> 01:23:03,236
that led me to write, beneath
"New-fallen snow" and "Fetched hay,"
470
01:23:03,269 --> 01:23:05,507
"Time is passing so quickly."
471
01:23:06,375 --> 01:23:10,083
Was time passing
especially fast back then?
472
01:23:10,416 --> 01:23:13,991
I can't remember
or give an account of it.
473
01:23:14,024 --> 01:23:16,162
And it isn't true.
474
01:23:16,195 --> 01:23:19,301
Time only seemed to be
passing quickly to me.
475
01:23:19,334 --> 01:23:23,543
I think time stands quite still
and I move around in it,
476
01:23:23,577 --> 01:23:28,620
sometimes slowly
and sometimes at a furious rate.
477
01:23:28,653 --> 01:23:34,398
I do something, things race
ahead, and I forget time.
478
01:23:34,431 --> 01:23:38,540
And then, quite suddenly,
it surrounds me again.
479
01:23:39,408 --> 01:23:41,378
I shall have to get used to it,
480
01:23:41,412 --> 01:23:45,053
its indifference and omnipresence.
481
01:23:50,430 --> 01:23:54,171
Since Lynx died I feel this clearly.
482
01:23:54,539 --> 01:23:58,613
I sit at the table
and time stands still.
483
01:23:59,181 --> 01:24:03,657
I can't see it, smell it or hear it,
484
01:24:03,690 --> 01:24:07,064
but it surrounds me on all sides,
485
01:24:07,631 --> 01:24:11,405
its silence and motionlessness
is terrible.
486
01:24:16,516 --> 01:24:20,323
At heart these thoughts
are quite meaningless.
487
01:24:20,724 --> 01:24:23,697
I pity animals, and I pity people,
488
01:24:23,730 --> 01:24:27,304
because they're thrown into this
life without being consulted.
489
01:24:28,773 --> 01:24:32,080
Maybe people are more deserving of pity,
490
01:24:32,114 --> 01:24:38,693
as they have just enough intelligence
to resist the natural course of things.
491
01:24:39,394 --> 01:24:45,206
It has made them wicked and
desperate, and not very lovable.
492
01:24:46,408 --> 01:24:50,751
And yet, life could have
been lived differently.
493
01:24:51,719 --> 01:24:55,393
There is no impulse
more reasonable than love.
494
01:24:56,062 --> 01:25:00,303
It makes life more bearable
for loving and loved one.
495
01:25:00,336 --> 01:25:07,551
We should have recognized in time
that this was our only chance,
496
01:25:07,585 --> 01:25:10,724
our only hope for a better life.
497
01:25:11,859 --> 01:25:18,439
For an endless army of the dead,
mankind's only chance has vanished forever.
498
01:25:19,274 --> 01:25:22,347
I keep thinking about that.
499
01:25:22,380 --> 01:25:26,488
I can't understand why we
had to take the wrong path.
500
01:25:27,257 --> 01:25:29,629
I only know it's too late.
501
01:25:38,880 --> 01:25:42,354
This autumn a white crow appeared.
502
01:25:43,923 --> 01:25:46,696
It flies a little behind the others
503
01:25:46,729 --> 01:25:51,539
and settles alone on a tree
avoided by its companions.
504
01:25:58,286 --> 01:26:01,659
I can't understand why
the other crows don't like it.
505
01:26:01,693 --> 01:26:04,699
I think it's
an especially beautiful bird,
506
01:26:04,732 --> 01:26:08,206
but it's repugnant to the others.
507
01:26:08,239 --> 01:26:14,752
A miserable absurdity that
shouldn't exist, a white crow.
508
01:26:16,288 --> 01:26:20,831
It sits there until the great
flock has flown away,
509
01:26:20,864 --> 01:26:24,539
and then I bring it a little food.
510
01:26:24,572 --> 01:26:27,778
It can't know why it's been ostracized,
511
01:26:27,811 --> 01:26:30,684
that's the only life it knows.
512
01:26:30,717 --> 01:26:34,525
It will always be an outcast
and so alone
513
01:26:34,559 --> 01:26:40,303
that it is less afraid of people
than its black brethren.
514
01:26:56,302 --> 01:27:01,913
Every day I wait for the
white crow and call to it,
515
01:27:01,946 --> 01:27:06,689
and it looks at me attentively
with its reddish eyes.
516
01:27:06,723 --> 01:27:09,529
I can do very little for it.
517
01:27:09,562 --> 01:27:15,272
Perhaps my scraps are prolonging a
life that shouldn't be prolonged.
518
01:27:16,643 --> 01:27:19,549
But I want the white crow to live,
519
01:27:19,582 --> 01:27:24,391
and sometimes I dream there's
another one in the forest
520
01:27:24,424 --> 01:27:27,464
and that they will find each other.
521
01:27:27,497 --> 01:27:31,839
I don't believe it will happen,
I just wish it dearly.
522
01:27:39,087 --> 01:27:43,462
Gradually I began to disengage
from my past
523
01:27:43,496 --> 01:27:47,003
and grow into a new order.
524
01:28:27,951 --> 01:28:32,226
It was May by the time
the weather really improved.
525
01:28:32,259 --> 01:28:34,832
Two years had passed in the forest.
526
01:28:34,865 --> 01:28:37,805
It struck me
that now I hardly ever thought
527
01:28:37,838 --> 01:28:40,476
that someone might find me at last.
528
01:28:41,613 --> 01:28:44,885
I decided to set off soon
for the alpine pasture.
529
01:29:03,590 --> 01:29:08,700
By the beginning of June I'd managed
to get used to the pasture,
530
01:29:08,733 --> 01:29:11,673
but it was never the same
as the previous year.
531
01:29:11,706 --> 01:29:15,981
That first summer there
was gone irrevocably,
532
01:29:16,014 --> 01:29:18,620
and I didn't want
a weaker version of it,
533
01:29:18,653 --> 01:29:24,130
so I kept myself from succumbing
once more to the old magic.
534
01:29:25,365 --> 01:29:28,238
But the pasture
didn't make it hard for me.
535
01:29:28,271 --> 01:29:33,015
It had closed itself off and
showed me an unfamiliar face.
536
01:29:34,885 --> 01:29:37,858
I often sat, as I'd done a year before,
537
01:29:37,891 --> 01:29:40,631
on the bench by the house
looking out over the meadow.
538
01:29:40,664 --> 01:29:42,768
It hadn't changed from before,
539
01:29:42,801 --> 01:29:45,607
and it smelled just as sweet,
540
01:29:45,641 --> 01:29:49,915
but I didn't go into
the old raptures again.
541
01:29:55,125 --> 01:29:57,831
I'd stopped making longer expeditions,
542
01:29:57,865 --> 01:30:02,006
since I'd drawn up my boundaries
the previous summer.
543
01:30:02,039 --> 01:30:05,012
I no longer cared where the wall went.
544
01:30:12,059 --> 01:30:17,403
That summer I quite forgot that
Lynx was a dog and I a human.
545
01:30:17,436 --> 01:30:22,113
I knew it, but it had lost
any distinctive meaning.
546
01:30:24,483 --> 01:30:27,657
Lynx too had changed.
547
01:30:28,158 --> 01:30:32,701
Now he had so much of my
attention, he had grown calmer
548
01:30:32,735 --> 01:30:34,237
and didn't seem constantly afraid
549
01:30:36,107 --> 01:30:38,947
that I might vanish into thin air as
soon as he went off for five minutes.
550
01:30:40,951 --> 01:30:42,955
Thinking about it today,
551
01:30:42,988 --> 01:30:47,965
I believe that was the only
big fear in his dog's life,
552
01:30:47,998 --> 01:30:50,804
being abandoned, on his own.
553
01:30:52,439 --> 01:30:55,479
I too had learned a lot more
554
01:30:55,513 --> 01:30:59,120
and understood almost all
his movements and sounds.
555
01:31:00,289 --> 01:31:05,165
Now, at last, there was a silent
understanding between us.
556
01:36:42,574 --> 01:36:45,144
I carried Lynx to the hut
557
01:36:46,481 --> 01:36:48,952
and laid him on the bench.
558
01:36:52,527 --> 01:36:56,535
He'd suddenly grown small and light.
559
01:36:59,172 --> 01:37:05,586
And then, as if from a great
distance, I heard Bella roaring.
560
01:37:05,953 --> 01:37:08,826
She was beside herself with fear.
561
01:37:09,628 --> 01:37:12,499
I tried to calm her down.
562
01:37:13,836 --> 01:37:16,775
Only then did I remember the man.
563
01:37:21,016 --> 01:37:23,889
I knew he must be dead.
564
01:37:25,024 --> 01:37:28,866
He had been such a big target
that I couldn't have missed.
565
01:37:33,909 --> 01:37:36,582
I was glad he was dead,
566
01:37:37,584 --> 01:37:42,092
it would have been hard for me
to kill an injured person.
567
01:37:42,125 --> 01:37:45,566
Yet I couldn't have left him alive.
568
01:37:45,600 --> 01:37:48,872
Or maybe I could, I don't know.
569
01:37:51,912 --> 01:37:55,018
I didn't want to leave him in the meadow
570
01:37:55,051 --> 01:38:00,261
not beside the dead bull,
in the virgin grass.
571
01:38:00,294 --> 01:38:03,067
So I picked him up by the legs
572
01:38:03,100 --> 01:38:05,806
and dragged him to the lookout point.
573
01:38:05,840 --> 01:38:11,150
There, where the rocks
fall steeply to the scree-slope
574
01:38:11,183 --> 01:38:13,120
and alpine roses blossom in June,
575
01:38:13,154 --> 01:38:16,026
I let him roll down the hill.
576
01:38:21,738 --> 01:38:25,311
I dug a grave for Lynx in the evening.
577
01:38:25,813 --> 01:38:29,888
I dug the hole deep, laid Lynx into it,
578
01:38:29,921 --> 01:38:34,731
covered him with earth and
stamped the grass down over it.
579
01:38:34,764 --> 01:38:37,335
And then I was very tired,
580
01:38:38,137 --> 01:38:41,043
more tired than ever before.
581
01:39:54,623 --> 01:40:00,001
Then I sat down on the bench
and waited for the long night.
582
01:40:00,034 --> 01:40:03,140
It was a bright, starlit night,
583
01:40:03,174 --> 01:40:07,115
and the wind drifted down coldly
from the cliffs.
584
01:40:07,148 --> 01:40:12,192
But I was colder than the wind
and didn't feel the chill.
585
01:40:15,498 --> 01:40:20,274
At first light I got up
and left the pasture with Bella.
586
01:40:22,312 --> 01:40:26,486
The next day I resumed my usual work.
587
01:40:27,055 --> 01:40:31,463
October came and
I harvested potatoes and fruit.
588
01:40:32,132 --> 01:40:38,010
The straw needed cutting,
but that took only a week,
589
01:40:39,379 --> 01:40:43,320
and finally,
physically beaten and broken,
590
01:40:43,354 --> 01:40:45,692
I stopped my pointless escape attempts
591
01:40:45,725 --> 01:40:48,497
and confronted my thoughts.
592
01:40:52,673 --> 01:40:55,645
Nothing at all came of it.
593
01:41:11,176 --> 01:41:15,986
I would like to know why
the stranger killed my animals.
594
01:41:16,654 --> 01:41:21,330
I shall never find out and
perhaps it is better that way.
595
01:41:24,336 --> 01:41:27,142
Now I am quite calm.
596
01:41:27,743 --> 01:41:30,615
I can see a little further ahead.
597
01:41:31,150 --> 01:41:34,623
I can see that this is not yet the end.
598
01:41:35,291 --> 01:41:38,164
Everything goes on.
599
01:41:38,197 --> 01:41:42,272
Bull, Pearl and Lynx
will never exist again,
600
01:41:43,407 --> 01:41:48,250
but something new is coming,
and I can't avoid that.
601
01:41:49,319 --> 01:41:54,763
The memories, the grief
and the fear will remain,
602
01:41:54,797 --> 01:41:58,370
and the hard work,
for as long as I live.
603
01:42:08,290 --> 01:42:12,799
Today, on the 25th of February,
604
01:42:12,833 --> 01:42:15,371
I shall end my report.
605
01:42:16,874 --> 01:42:20,348
There isn't a single sheet
of paper left.
606
01:42:21,851 --> 01:42:24,289
It's now around 5:00 in the evening,
607
01:42:24,322 --> 01:42:28,464
and already so light that
I can write without the lamp.
608
01:42:29,466 --> 01:42:34,577
The crows have risen and circle
screeching over the forest.
609
01:42:35,478 --> 01:42:37,649
When they are out of sight
610
01:42:37,683 --> 01:42:41,891
I will go to the clearing
and feed the white crow.
611
01:42:43,427 --> 01:42:45,732
It is waiting there for me.
50850
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